| 1 | This fortune brought to you by: |
| 2 | $FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes,v 1.34.2.12 2002/10/19 05:10:08 fanf Exp $ |
| 3 | $DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes,v 1.2 2003/06/17 04:25:23 dillon Exp $ |
| 4 | % |
| 5 | -- Gifts for Children -- |
| 6 | |
| 7 | This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, |
| 8 | because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months |
| 9 | and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- |
| 10 | morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children |
| 11 | exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If |
| 12 | your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You |
| 13 | Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it |
| 14 | might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe |
| 15 | me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child |
| 16 | who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. |
| 17 | -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" |
| 18 | % |
| 19 | -- Gifts for Men -- |
| 20 | |
| 21 | Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional |
| 22 | ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you |
| 23 | should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the |
| 24 | clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For |
| 25 | example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only |
| 26 | three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, |
| 27 | that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh |
| 28 | at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). |
| 29 | So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several |
| 30 | years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will |
| 31 | pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. |
| 32 | |
| 33 | If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More |
| 34 | than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set |
| 35 | of tires. |
| 36 | -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" |
| 37 | % |
| 38 | *** NEWSFLASH *** |
| 39 | Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! |
| 40 | % |
| 41 | ACHTUNG!!! |
| 42 | |
| 43 | Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy |
| 44 | schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit |
| 45 | spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das |
| 46 | rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und |
| 47 | vatch das blinkenlights!!! |
| 48 | % |
| 49 | Chapter 1 |
| 50 | |
| 51 | The story so far: |
| 52 | |
| 53 | In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot |
| 54 | of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. |
| 55 | -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" |
| 56 | % |
| 57 | DELETE A FORTUNE! |
| 58 | |
| 59 | Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like |
| 60 | to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to |
| 61 | "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it |
| 62 | gets expunged. |
| 63 | % |
| 64 | Get GUMMed |
| 65 | --- ------ |
| 66 | The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April |
| 67 | 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above |
| 68 | the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep |
| 69 | each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered |
| 70 | chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek |
| 71 | nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three |
| 72 | days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two |
| 73 | seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- |
| 74 | friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is |
| 75 | Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis |
| 76 | "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You |
| 77 | Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because |
| 78 | all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we |
| 79 | could tell them. |
| 80 | -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 |
| 81 | % |
| 82 | Pittsburgh Driver's Test |
| 83 | |
| 84 | (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light |
| 85 | but a steady left tail light. This means |
| 86 | |
| 87 | (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn |
| 88 | to call the problem to the driver's attention. |
| 89 | (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. |
| 90 | (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. |
| 91 | (d) the driver is from out of town. |
| 92 | |
| 93 | The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign |
| 94 | countries to signal turns. |
| 95 | % |
| 96 | Pittsburgh Driver's Test |
| 97 | |
| 98 | (8) Pedestrians are |
| 99 | |
| 100 | (a) irrelevant. |
| 101 | (b) communists. |
| 102 | (c) a nuisance. |
| 103 | (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. |
| 104 | |
| 105 | The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are |
| 106 | totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. |
| 107 | % |
| 108 | Has your family tried 'em? |
| 109 | |
| 110 | POWDERMILK BISCUITS |
| 111 | |
| 112 | Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! |
| 113 | |
| 114 | They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the |
| 115 | strength to get up and do what needs to be done. |
| 116 | |
| 117 | POWDERMILK BISCUITS |
| 118 | |
| 119 | Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the |
| 120 | biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains |
| 121 | that indicate freshness. |
| 122 | % |
| 123 | THE STORY OF CREATION |
| 124 | or |
| 125 | THE MYTH OF URK |
| 126 | |
| 127 | In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, |
| 128 | and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM |
| 129 | was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be |
| 130 | registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; |
| 131 | and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data |
| 132 | Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening |
| 133 | and there was morning, one interrupt ... |
| 134 | -- Rico Tudor |
| 135 | % |
| 136 | JACK AND THE BEANSTACK |
| 137 | by Mark Isaak |
| 138 | |
| 139 | Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL |
| 140 | character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their |
| 141 | hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices |
| 142 | are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some |
| 143 | BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it |
| 144 | to him. |
| 145 | So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, |
| 146 | he met the traveling salesman. |
| 147 | "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman |
| 148 | in high-level language. |
| 149 | "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips |
| 150 | and Apples," commented Jack. |
| 151 | "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue |
| 152 | there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." |
| 153 | Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when |
| 154 | he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she |
| 155 | started thrashing. |
| 156 | "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these |
| 157 | kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the |
| 158 | window ... |
| 159 | % |
| 160 | A Severe Strain on the Credulity |
| 161 | |
| 162 | As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest |
| 163 | parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket |
| 164 | is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one |
| 165 | considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one |
| 166 | begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really |
| 167 | starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor |
| 168 | maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. |
| 169 | Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing |
| 170 | of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to |
| 171 | re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum |
| 172 | against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the |
| 173 | knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. |
| 174 | -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 |
| 175 | % |
| 176 | AMAZING BUT TRUE ... |
| 177 | |
| 178 | If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end |
| 179 | across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. |
| 180 | % |
| 181 | AMAZING BUT TRUE ... |
| 182 | |
| 183 | There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it |
| 184 | would completely cover the Sahara Desert. |
| 185 | % |
| 186 | Another Glitch in the Call |
| 187 | ------- ------ -- --- ---- |
| 188 | (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) |
| 189 | |
| 190 | We don't need no indirection |
| 191 | We don't need no flow control |
| 192 | No data typing or declarations |
| 193 | Did you leave the lists alone? |
| 194 | |
| 195 | Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! |
| 196 | |
| 197 | Chorus: |
| 198 | All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. |
| 199 | All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. |
| 200 | % |
| 201 | Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: |
| 202 | |
| 203 | (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). |
| 204 | (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. |
| 205 | (3) I don't know. |
| 206 | (4) Who cares? |
| 207 | (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, |
| 208 | Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. |
| 209 | (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my |
| 210 | book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and |
| 211 | bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of |
| 212 | Papyrus Books). |
| 213 | % |
| 214 | DETERIORATA |
| 215 | |
| 216 | Go placidly amid the noise and waste, |
| 217 | And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. |
| 218 | Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. |
| 219 | Rotate your tires. |
| 220 | Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, |
| 221 | And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. |
| 222 | Know what to kiss -- and when. |
| 223 | Remember that two wrongs never make a right, |
| 224 | But that three do. |
| 225 | Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". |
| 226 | Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, |
| 227 | And despite the changing fortunes of time, |
| 228 | There is always a big future in computer maintenance. |
| 229 | |
| 230 | You are a fluke of the universe ... |
| 231 | You have no right to be here. |
| 232 | Whether you can hear it or not, the universe |
| 233 | Is laughing behind your back. |
| 234 | -- National Lampoon |
| 235 | % |
| 236 | Double Bucky |
| 237 | (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") |
| 238 | |
| 239 | Double bucky, you're the one! |
| 240 | You make my keyboard lots of fun |
| 241 | Double bucky, an additional bit or two: |
| 242 | (Vo-vo-de-o!) |
| 243 | Control and Meta side by side, |
| 244 | Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! |
| 245 | Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! |
| 246 | |
| 247 | Double bucky, left and right |
| 248 | OR'd together, outta sight! |
| 249 | Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of |
| 250 | Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of |
| 251 | Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! |
| 252 | |
| 253 | -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. |
| 254 | % |
| 255 | Gimmie That Old Time Religion |
| 256 | We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, |
| 257 | Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, |
| 258 | I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, |
| 259 | And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! |
| 260 | (chorus) (chorus) |
| 261 | |
| 262 | In the church of Aphrodite, |
| 263 | The priestess wears a see-through nightie, |
| 264 | She's a mighty righteous sightie, |
| 265 | And she's good enough for me! |
| 266 | (chorus) |
| 267 | |
| 268 | CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, |
| 269 | Give me that old time religion, |
| 270 | Give me that old time religion, |
| 271 | 'Cause it's good enough for me! |
| 272 | % |
| 273 | MORE SPORTS RESULTS: |
| 274 | The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last |
| 275 | Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while |
| 276 | the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the |
| 277 | Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could |
| 278 | paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player |
| 279 | took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting |
| 280 | their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player |
| 281 | said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a |
| 282 | fight and the match was called by officials. |
| 283 | % |
| 284 | OUTCONERR |
| 285 | Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes |
| 286 | Did logzerneg the ifthen block |
| 287 | All kludgy were the function flows |
| 288 | And subroutines adhoc. |
| 289 | |
| 290 | Beware the runtime-bug my friend |
| 291 | squrooneg, the false goto |
| 292 | Beware the infiniteloop |
| 293 | And shun the inprectoo. |
| 294 | % |
| 295 | Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence |
| 296 | Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. |
| 297 | |
| 298 | (1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, |
| 299 | ants. |
| 300 | (2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. |
| 301 | (3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. |
| 302 | (4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. |
| 303 | (5) Exotic birds flock around you. |
| 304 | (6) People ignore you at parties. |
| 305 | (7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. |
| 306 | (8) You no longer get off on cocaine. |
| 307 | % |
| 308 | Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence |
| 309 | (1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear |
| 310 | bomb; use the stairs. |
| 311 | (2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit |
| 312 | the ground. |
| 313 | (3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. |
| 314 | (4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to |
| 315 | psychological problems. |
| 316 | (5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to |
| 317 | recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed |
| 318 | potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. |
| 319 | (6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs |
| 320 | will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. |
| 321 | (7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. |
| 322 | (8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be |
| 323 | staggering illegally. |
| 324 | (9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more |
| 325 | sanitary due to limited circulation. |
| 326 | (10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on |
| 327 | D-Day. |
| 328 | % |
| 329 | The STAR WARS Song |
| 330 | Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: |
| 331 | |
| 332 | I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah |
| 333 | Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda |
| 334 | S-O-D-A soda |
| 335 | I saw the little runt sitting there on a log |
| 336 | I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda |
| 337 | Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda |
| 338 | |
| 339 | Well I've been around but I ain't never seen |
| 340 | A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green |
| 341 | Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda |
| 342 | Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand |
| 343 | How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand |
| 344 | Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda |
| 345 | % |
| 346 | The Three Major Kind of Tools |
| 347 | |
| 348 | * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or |
| 349 | jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a |
| 350 | manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, |
| 351 | bludgeons, and truncheons.) |
| 352 | |
| 353 | * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) |
| 354 | |
| 355 | * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far |
| 356 | greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. |
| 357 | (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses |
| 358 | any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) |
| 359 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" |
| 360 | % |
| 361 | (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") |
| 362 | Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug |
| 363 | Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug |
| 364 | And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. |
| 365 | Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, |
| 366 | Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall |
| 367 | And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. |
| 368 | And we've also found Just flip one switch |
| 369 | When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch |
| 370 | You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble |
| 371 | in a flash. |
| 372 | Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU |
| 373 | Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," |
| 374 | And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. |
| 375 | % |
| 376 | 'Twas the Night before Crisis |
| 377 | |
| 378 | 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, |
| 379 | Not a program was working not even a browse. |
| 380 | The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, |
| 381 | Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. |
| 382 | The users were nestled all snug in their beds, |
| 383 | While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. |
| 384 | When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, |
| 385 | I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. |
| 386 | And what to my wondering eyes should appear, |
| 387 | But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. |
| 388 | More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, |
| 389 | And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; |
| 390 | On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! |
| 391 | On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! |
| 392 | His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, |
| 393 | From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. |
| 394 | A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, |
| 395 | Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... |
| 396 | % |
| 397 | William Safire's Rules for Writers: |
| 398 | |
| 399 | Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never |
| 400 | be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to |
| 401 | agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words |
| 402 | out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal |
| 403 | of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must |
| 404 | not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a |
| 405 | conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a |
| 406 | sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as |
| 407 | close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more |
| 408 | words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles |
| 409 | must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a |
| 410 | linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing |
| 411 | metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should |
| 412 | be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their |
| 413 | writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows |
| 414 | the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek |
| 415 | viable alternatives. |
| 416 | % |
| 417 | A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling |
| 418 | by Mark Twain |
| 419 | |
| 420 | For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped |
| 421 | to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer |
| 422 | be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained |
| 423 | would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 |
| 424 | might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the |
| 425 | same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with |
| 426 | "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. |
| 427 | Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear |
| 428 | with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 |
| 429 | or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. |
| 430 | Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi |
| 431 | ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz |
| 432 | ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. |
| 433 | Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud |
| 434 | hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. |
| 435 | % |
| 436 | |
| 437 | \a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root *** |
| 438 | |
| 439 | System going down in 60 seconds |
| 440 | |
| 441 | |
| 442 | % |
| 443 | "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" |
| 444 | "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to |
| 445 | feel interested. |
| 446 | "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little |
| 447 | vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged |
| 448 | Aged Man.'" |
| 449 | "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" |
| 450 | Alice corrected herself. |
| 451 | "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is |
| 452 | called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" |
| 453 | "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time |
| 454 | completely bewildered. |
| 455 | "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is |
| 456 | "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." |
| 457 | -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" |
| 458 | % |
| 459 | A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was |
| 460 | eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality |
| 461 | test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." |
| 462 | Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into |
| 463 | the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". |
| 464 | % |
| 465 | A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing |
| 466 | about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their |
| 467 | arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon |
| 468 | the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because |
| 469 | Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply |
| 470 | incredible surgical feat." |
| 471 | The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the |
| 472 | Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of |
| 473 | that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an |
| 474 | architect." |
| 475 | The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, |
| 476 | "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" |
| 477 | % |
| 478 | A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The |
| 479 | first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. |
| 480 | "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow |
| 481 | and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." |
| 482 | "But the collar is up around my ears!" |
| 483 | "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a |
| 484 | little more ... that's it." |
| 485 | "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. |
| 486 | "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you |
| 487 | go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." |
| 488 | So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the |
| 489 | street. Reba and Florence see him go by. |
| 490 | "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" |
| 491 | "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." |
| 492 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
| 493 | % |
| 494 | A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his |
| 495 | novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how |
| 496 | insignificant," said the master. |
| 497 | |
| 498 | "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. |
| 499 | |
| 500 | "It is," came the reply. |
| 501 | |
| 502 | "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. |
| 503 | |
| 504 | "It is even in a video game," said the master. |
| 505 | |
| 506 | "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" |
| 507 | |
| 508 | The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The |
| 509 | lesson is over for today," he said. |
| 510 | -- "The Tao of Programming" |
| 511 | % |
| 512 | A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at |
| 513 | the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the |
| 514 | pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite |
| 515 | nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." |
| 516 | "If what?" asked the composer. |
| 517 | "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" |
| 518 | % |
| 519 | A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which |
| 520 | removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to |
| 521 | doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous |
| 522 | amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware |
| 523 | limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the |
| 524 | larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient |
| 525 | power-down sequence. |
| 526 | An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the |
| 527 | building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has |
| 528 | bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer |
| 529 | cool. |
| 530 | % |
| 531 | A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came |
| 532 | upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. |
| 533 | "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow |
| 534 | man". |
| 535 | As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, |
| 536 | he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." |
| 537 | % |
| 538 | After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from |
| 539 | Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, |
| 540 | and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon |
| 541 | to be created." |
| 542 | "This is true," He replied. |
| 543 | "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. |
| 544 | "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the |
| 545 | right to make his laws?" |
| 546 | "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to |
| 547 | make his own." |
| 548 | It was so granted. |
| 549 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 550 | % |
| 551 | An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He |
| 552 | knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with |
| 553 | great restraint. |
| 554 | As he designs the first work, frill after frill and |
| 555 | embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away |
| 556 | to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, |
| 557 | and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of |
| 558 | that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. |
| 559 | This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. |
| 560 | When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will |
| 561 | confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, |
| 562 | and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that |
| 563 | are particular and not generalizable. |
| 564 | The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using |
| 565 | all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first |
| 566 | one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". |
| 567 | -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" |
| 568 | % |
| 569 | An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity |
| 570 | in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. |
| 571 | "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if |
| 572 | you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like |
| 573 | an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an |
| 574 | hour seems like a minute." |
| 575 | The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a |
| 576 | moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" |
| 577 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
| 578 | % |
| 579 | "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" |
| 580 | asked the father of his little son. |
| 581 | "Diet." |
| 582 | % |
| 583 | Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and |
| 584 | took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his |
| 585 | followers. |
| 586 | One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and |
| 587 | there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. |
| 588 | "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his |
| 589 | commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your |
| 590 | Purpose in Life, anyway?" |
| 591 | Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The |
| 592 | Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) |
| 593 | Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. |
| 594 | Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. |
| 595 | -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" |
| 596 | % |
| 597 | COMMENT |
| 598 | |
| 599 | Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, |
| 600 | A medley of extemporanea; |
| 601 | And love is thing that can never go wrong; |
| 602 | And I am Marie of Roumania. |
| 603 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 604 | % |
| 605 | Deck Us All With Boston Charlie |
| 606 | |
| 607 | Deck us all with Boston Charlie, |
| 608 | Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! |
| 609 | Nora's freezin' on the trolley, |
| 610 | Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! |
| 611 | |
| 612 | Don't we know archaic barrel, |
| 613 | Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. |
| 614 | Trolley Molly don't love Harold, |
| 615 | Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! |
| 616 | -- Walt Kelly |
| 617 | % |
| 618 | During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen |
| 619 | were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a |
| 620 | red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, |
| 621 | "Hey, you almost hit my wife." |
| 622 | "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a |
| 623 | shot at mine, over there." |
| 624 | % |
| 625 | Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, |
| 626 | called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you |
| 627 | have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in |
| 628 | most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the |
| 629 | time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could |
| 630 | have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, |
| 631 | although God alone knows why it would want to. |
| 632 | The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, |
| 633 | direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes |
| 634 | have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one |
| 635 | direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents |
| 636 | harmful electron buildup in the wires. |
| 637 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" |
| 638 | % |
| 639 | Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping |
| 640 | mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as |
| 641 | "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you |
| 642 | how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", |
| 643 | "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night |
| 644 | So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. |
| 645 | -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" |
| 646 | % |
| 647 | Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each |
| 648 | other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around |
| 649 | the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors |
| 650 | d'oeuvres. |
| 651 | Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes |
| 652 | to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your |
| 653 | Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright |
| 654 | piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. |
| 655 | Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with |
| 656 | inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down |
| 657 | other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and |
| 658 | placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when |
| 659 | the little hammers strike. |
| 660 | Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over |
| 661 | their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning |
| 662 | Christmas tree. The piano is missing. |
| 663 | |
| 664 | You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless |
| 665 | you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level |
| 666 | 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. |
| 667 | % |
| 668 | FIGHTING WORDS |
| 669 | |
| 670 | Say my love is easy had, |
| 671 | Say I'm bitten raw with pride, |
| 672 | Say I am too often sad -- |
| 673 | Still behold me at your side. |
| 674 | |
| 675 | Say I'm neither brave nor young, |
| 676 | Say I woo and coddle care, |
| 677 | Say the devil touched my tongue -- |
| 678 | Still you have my heart to wear. |
| 679 | |
| 680 | But say my verses do not scan, |
| 681 | And I get me another man! |
| 682 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 683 | % |
| 684 | "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence |
| 685 | of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." |
| 686 | |
| 687 | "Whose?" |
| 688 | |
| 689 | "MINE! HA-HA!" |
| 690 | % |
| 691 | "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an |
| 692 | extracurricular activity except you." |
| 693 | "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" |
| 694 | "Only to ten, Mudhead." |
| 695 | |
| 696 | -- Firesign Theater |
| 697 | % |
| 698 | GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 |
| 699 | |
| 700 | On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- |
| 701 | Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them |
| 702 | off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I |
| 703 | wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his |
| 704 | mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a |
| 705 | tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men |
| 706 | stood lookout. |
| 707 | % |
| 708 | Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the |
| 709 | month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people |
| 710 | are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. |
| 711 | The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either |
| 712 | (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax |
| 713 | tadpole". |
| 714 | Bite the wax tadpole. |
| 715 | There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? |
| 716 | The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's |
| 717 | hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to |
| 718 | bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, |
| 719 | but broad satiric vistas do not open up. |
| 720 | -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle |
| 721 | % |
| 722 | Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's |
| 723 | willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop |
| 724 | for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say |
| 725 | "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home |
| 726 | centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas |
| 727 | trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise |
| 728 | because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every |
| 729 | object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... |
| 730 | Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the |
| 731 | broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has |
| 732 | a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the |
| 733 | inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the |
| 734 | same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at |
| 735 | an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of |
| 736 | these sometime around the middle of next week". |
| 737 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" |
| 738 | % |
| 739 | How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are |
| 740 | 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, |
| 741 | who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a |
| 742 | nanocentury. |
| 743 | -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs |
| 744 | % |
| 745 | Hug O' War |
| 746 | |
| 747 | I will not play at tug o' war. |
| 748 | I'd rather play at hug o' war, |
| 749 | Where everyone hugs |
| 750 | Instead of tugs, |
| 751 | Where everyone giggles |
| 752 | And rolls on the rug, |
| 753 | Where everyone kisses, |
| 754 | And everyone grins, |
| 755 | And everyone cuddles, |
| 756 | And everyone wins. |
| 757 | -- Shel Silverstein |
| 758 | % |
| 759 | Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small |
| 760 | misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of |
| 761 | the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to |
| 762 | see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or |
| 763 | background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with |
| 764 | uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it |
| 765 | cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that |
| 766 | remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification, |
| 767 | line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth: |
| 768 | The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct. |
| 769 | -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine" |
| 770 | % |
| 771 | "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a |
| 772 | quavering voice. |
| 773 | "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of |
| 774 | course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which |
| 775 | I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in |
| 776 | Elven-lore: |
| 777 | |
| 778 | "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, |
| 779 | Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. |
| 780 | Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, |
| 781 | This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. |
| 782 | The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. |
| 783 | The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. |
| 784 | If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. |
| 785 | If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." |
| 786 | -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" |
| 787 | % |
| 788 | I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because |
| 789 | we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently |
| 790 | leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, |
| 791 | in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had |
| 792 | time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the |
| 793 | library, we could call each other up: |
| 794 | |
| 795 | You: Hello? Bob? |
| 796 | Bob: Yes? |
| 797 | You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you |
| 798 | took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? |
| 799 | Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? |
| 800 | You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: |
| 801 | "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. |
| 802 | I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill |
| 803 | and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto |
| 804 | the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to |
| 805 | have to get back to you. |
| 806 | Bob: Fine. |
| 807 | -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" |
| 808 | % |
| 809 | "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said |
| 810 | Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- |
| 811 | till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for |
| 812 | you!'" |
| 813 | "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice |
| 814 | objected. |
| 815 | "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful |
| 816 | tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor |
| 817 | less." |
| 818 | "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean |
| 819 | so many different things." |
| 820 | "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- |
| 821 | that's all." |
| 822 | -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" |
| 823 | % |
| 824 | "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of |
| 825 | that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put |
| 826 | more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it |
| 827 | might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not |
| 828 | otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be |
| 829 | otherwise.'" |
| 830 | -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" |
| 831 | % |
| 832 | If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs |
| 833 | around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace |
| 834 | explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The |
| 835 | "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and |
| 836 | deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the |
| 837 | better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random |
| 838 | with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives |
| 839 | you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a |
| 840 | successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. |
| 841 | And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. |
| 842 | You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How |
| 843 | difficult can it be?" |
| 844 | Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, |
| 845 | which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying |
| 846 | other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up |
| 847 | yourself for far less money. This article can help you. |
| 848 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" |
| 849 | % |
| 850 | In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, |
| 851 | junior, what are you up to?" |
| 852 | "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the |
| 853 | rabbit. |
| 854 | "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" |
| 855 | "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the |
| 856 | rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied |
| 857 | expression on his face. |
| 858 | Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" |
| 859 | "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits |
| 860 | devour wolves." |
| 861 | "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" |
| 862 | "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes |
| 863 | out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. |
| 864 | Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody |
| 865 | should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting |
| 866 | next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. |
| 867 | |
| 868 | The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- |
| 869 | it's your PhD advisor that really counts. |
| 870 | % |
| 871 | INVENTORY |
| 872 | Four be the things I am wiser to know: |
| 873 | Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. |
| 874 | |
| 875 | Four be the things I'd been better without: |
| 876 | Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. |
| 877 | |
| 878 | Three be the things I shall never attain: |
| 879 | Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. |
| 880 | |
| 881 | Three be the things I shall have till I die: |
| 882 | Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. |
| 883 | % |
| 884 | It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east |
| 885 | laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The |
| 886 | thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, |
| 887 | nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying |
| 888 | for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. |
| 889 | Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating |
| 890 | under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting |
| 891 | icepacks. |
| 892 | -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" |
| 893 | % |
| 894 | Love's Drug |
| 895 | |
| 896 | My love is like an iron wand |
| 897 | That conks me on the head, |
| 898 | My love is like the valium |
| 899 | That I take before my bed, |
| 900 | My love is like the pint of scotch |
| 901 | That I drink when I be dry; |
| 902 | And I shall love thee still, my dear, |
| 903 | Until my wife is wise. |
| 904 | % |
| 905 | Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring |
| 906 | Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping |
| 907 | pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret |
| 908 | military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and |
| 909 | Esther and hustle them off to prison. |
| 910 | They can't prove who they are because they've left their |
| 911 | passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day |
| 912 | and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation |
| 913 | movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, |
| 914 | charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. |
| 915 | The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where |
| 916 | they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them |
| 917 | if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call |
| 918 | her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not |
| 919 | possible, and turns to Murray. |
| 920 | "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he |
| 921 | spits in the sergeants face. |
| 922 | "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." |
| 923 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
| 924 | % |
| 925 | No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider |
| 926 | the furniture! |
| 927 | -- Sherlock Holmes |
| 928 | % |
| 929 | Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home |
| 930 | tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. |
| 931 | Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell |
| 932 | plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where |
| 933 | they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of |
| 934 | Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon |
| 935 | administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, |
| 936 | you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and |
| 937 | described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with |
| 938 | interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools |
| 939 | that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. |
| 940 | This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it |
| 941 | inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the |
| 942 | so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off |
| 943 | if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to |
| 944 | direct sunlight. |
| 945 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" |
| 946 | % |
| 947 | On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in |
| 948 | receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's |
| 949 | income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than |
| 950 | $283 on the desk before the cashier. |
| 951 | "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That |
| 952 | route never brought in money like this! What happened?" |
| 953 | "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured |
| 954 | business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and |
| 955 | worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" |
| 956 | % |
| 957 | Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a |
| 958 | great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to |
| 959 | the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of |
| 960 | life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But |
| 961 | one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is |
| 962 | going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I |
| 963 | shall die of boredom." |
| 964 | The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that |
| 965 | current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the |
| 966 | rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" |
| 967 | But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, |
| 968 | and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. |
| 969 | Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current |
| 970 | lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. |
| 971 | And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, |
| 972 | "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the |
| 973 | Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current |
| 974 | said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us |
| 975 | free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this |
| 976 | adventure. |
| 977 | But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to |
| 978 | the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. |
| 979 | % |
| 980 | One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How |
| 981 | enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? |
| 982 | Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many |
| 983 | years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. |
| 984 | Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple |
| 985 | language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for |
| 986 | students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for |
| 987 | interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of |
| 988 | its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on |
| 989 | VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. |
| 990 | It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will |
| 991 | run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and |
| 992 | will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. |
| 993 | With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and |
| 994 | quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With |
| 995 | VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of |
| 996 | documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the |
| 997 | difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS |
| 998 | is that it's all there. |
| 999 | -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 |
| 1000 | % |
| 1001 | Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, |
| 1002 | requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm |
| 1003 | into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing |
| 1004 | problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the |
| 1005 | radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how |
| 1006 | plumbing works. |
| 1007 | A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, |
| 1008 | except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, |
| 1009 | it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets |
| 1010 | and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at |
| 1011 | all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can |
| 1012 | kill you. |
| 1013 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" |
| 1014 | % |
| 1015 | "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" |
| 1016 | Candy |
| 1017 | Is dandy |
| 1018 | But liquor |
| 1019 | Is quicker. |
| 1020 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 1021 | % |
| 1022 | "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated |
| 1023 | thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY |
| 1024 | advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." |
| 1025 | "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. |
| 1026 | "Too proud?" the other enquired. |
| 1027 | Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," |
| 1028 | she said, "that one can't help growing older." |
| 1029 | "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With |
| 1030 | proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." |
| 1031 | -- Lewis Carroll |
| 1032 | % |
| 1033 | So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. |
| 1034 | With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to |
| 1035 | maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of |
| 1036 | corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to |
| 1037 | flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward |
| 1038 | it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- |
| 1039 | I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in |
| 1040 | the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. |
| 1041 | Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and |
| 1042 | I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our |
| 1043 | heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're |
| 1044 | unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water |
| 1045 | up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the |
| 1046 | opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of |
| 1047 | our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all |
| 1048 | the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers |
| 1049 | cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen |
| 1050 | these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked |
| 1051 | into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. |
| 1052 | -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" |
| 1053 | % |
| 1054 | "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") |
| 1055 | |
| 1056 | On the good ship Enterprise |
| 1057 | Every week there's a new surprise |
| 1058 | Where the Romulans lurk |
| 1059 | And the Klingons often go berserk. |
| 1060 | |
| 1061 | Yes, the good ship Enterprise |
| 1062 | There's excitement anywhere it flies |
| 1063 | Where Tribbles play |
| 1064 | And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. |
| 1065 | |
| 1066 | See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, |
| 1067 | Mr. Spock is at his side. |
| 1068 | The weekly menace, ooh-ooh |
| 1069 | It gets fried, scattered far and wide. |
| 1070 | |
| 1071 | It's the good ship Enterprise |
| 1072 | Heading out where danger lies |
| 1073 | And you live in dread |
| 1074 | If you're wearing a shirt that's red. |
| 1075 | -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics |
| 1076 | % |
| 1077 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE |
| 1078 | |
| 1079 | SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language |
| 1080 | Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for |
| 1081 | Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code |
| 1082 | with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, |
| 1083 | END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make |
| 1084 | a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus |
| 1085 | they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without |
| 1086 | the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. |
| 1087 | % |
| 1088 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP |
| 1089 | |
| 1090 | This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of |
| 1091 | an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said |
| 1092 | to be useful in protheththing lithtth. |
| 1093 | % |
| 1094 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL |
| 1095 | |
| 1096 | SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. |
| 1097 | Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they |
| 1098 | compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the |
| 1099 | coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom |
| 1100 | sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to |
| 1101 | compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but |
| 1102 | infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. |
| 1103 | % |
| 1104 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE |
| 1105 | |
| 1106 | Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely |
| 1107 | unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just |
| 1108 | are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. |
| 1109 | SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at |
| 1110 | parties. |
| 1111 | % |
| 1112 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- |
| 1113 | |
| 1114 | This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he |
| 1115 | submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is |
| 1116 | best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the |
| 1117 | language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code |
| 1118 | statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very |
| 1119 | similar to COBOL. |
| 1120 | % |
| 1121 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH |
| 1122 | |
| 1123 | FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types |
| 1124 | refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and |
| 1125 | JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and |
| 1126 | BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, |
| 1127 | CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. |
| 1128 | |
| 1129 | The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and |
| 1130 | financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include |
| 1131 | VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH |
| 1132 | and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers |
| 1133 | who end up using this language. |
| 1134 | % |
| 1135 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE |
| 1136 | |
| 1137 | Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene |
| 1138 | DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The |
| 1139 | language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics |
| 1140 | and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A |
| 1141 | spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of |
| 1142 | ours." |
| 1143 | |
| 1144 | The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have |
| 1145 | almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the |
| 1146 | organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to |
| 1147 | exist. |
| 1148 | % |
| 1149 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL |
| 1150 | From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, |
| 1151 | VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. |
| 1152 | |
| 1153 | Here is a sample program: |
| 1154 | LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START |
| 1155 | IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND |
| 1156 | VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN |
| 1157 | FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 |
| 1158 | DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) |
| 1159 | BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) |
| 1160 | SURE |
| 1161 | LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM |
| 1162 | REALLY |
| 1163 | LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) |
| 1164 | IM*SURE |
| 1165 | GOTO THE MALL |
| 1166 | |
| 1167 | When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: |
| 1168 | |
| 1169 | GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! |
| 1170 | % |
| 1171 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK |
| 1172 | |
| 1173 | This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, |
| 1174 | Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to |
| 1175 | the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. |
| 1176 | |
| 1177 | The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs |
| 1178 | while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there |
| 1179 | because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and |
| 1180 | Perrier. |
| 1181 | |
| 1182 | Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle |
| 1183 | and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower |
| 1184 | case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the |
| 1185 | message: |
| 1186 | "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can |
| 1187 | you find the time to try it again?" |
| 1188 | % |
| 1189 | The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the |
| 1190 | klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." |
| 1191 | |
| 1192 | "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" |
| 1193 | |
| 1194 | "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" |
| 1195 | % |
| 1196 | The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the |
| 1197 | Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a |
| 1198 | large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' |
| 1199 | it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the |
| 1200 | apparatus for a spectator sport. |
| 1201 | |
| 1202 | The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for |
| 1203 | castrating pigs during Sunday service. |
| 1204 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 1205 | % |
| 1206 | The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood |
| 1207 | as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. |
| 1208 | The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in |
| 1209 | the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in |
| 1210 | twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. |
| 1211 | |
| 1212 | "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached |
| 1213 | everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a |
| 1214 | fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- |
| 1215 | and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." |
| 1216 | |
| 1217 | "How?" demanded Fafhrd. |
| 1218 | |
| 1219 | Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." |
| 1220 | -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" |
| 1221 | % |
| 1222 | THE WOMBAT |
| 1223 | |
| 1224 | The wombat lives across the seas, |
| 1225 | Among the far Antipodes. |
| 1226 | He may exist on nuts and berries, |
| 1227 | Or then again, on missionaries; |
| 1228 | His distant habitat precludes |
| 1229 | Conclusive knowledge of his moods. |
| 1230 | But I would not engage the wombat |
| 1231 | In any form of mortal combat. |
| 1232 | % |
| 1233 | THEORY |
| 1234 | Into love and out again, |
| 1235 | Thus I went and thus I go. |
| 1236 | Spare your voice, and hold your pen: |
| 1237 | Well and bitterly I know |
| 1238 | All the songs were ever sung, |
| 1239 | All the words were ever said; |
| 1240 | Could it be, when I was young, |
| 1241 | Someone dropped me on my head? |
| 1242 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 1243 | % |
| 1244 | There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that |
| 1245 | someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named |
| 1246 | Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or |
| 1247 | Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that |
| 1248 | every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is |
| 1249 | this? |
| 1250 | Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for |
| 1251 | centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___\b\b\byou |
| 1252 | can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's |
| 1253 | forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster |
| 1254 | -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't |
| 1255 | even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover |
| 1256 | why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. |
| 1257 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
| 1258 | % |
| 1259 | Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire |
| 1260 | rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better |
| 1261 | than he does. |
| 1262 | As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about |
| 1263 | it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily |
| 1264 | sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we |
| 1265 | consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is |
| 1266 | being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. |
| 1267 | The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can |
| 1268 | do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his |
| 1269 | honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can |
| 1270 | be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public |
| 1271 | relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter |
| 1272 | Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. |
| 1273 | This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. |
| 1274 | -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt |
| 1275 | from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear |
| 1276 | and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" |
| 1277 | % |
| 1278 | To A Quick Young Fox: |
| 1279 | Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, |
| 1280 | Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? |
| 1281 | Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- |
| 1282 | Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. |
| 1283 | -- Lazy Dog |
| 1284 | % |
| 1285 | "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past |
| 1286 | year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley |
| 1287 | reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their |
| 1288 | artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue |
| 1289 | moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon |
| 1290 | Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the |
| 1291 | entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the |
| 1292 | sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." |
| 1293 | |
| 1294 | "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. |
| 1295 | |
| 1296 | "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made |
| 1297 | good copy." |
| 1298 | -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" |
| 1299 | % |
| 1300 | WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: |
| 1301 | |
| 1302 | Firings will continue until morale improves. |
| 1303 | % |
| 1304 | We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. |
| 1305 | But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle |
| 1306 | Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... |
| 1307 | I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of |
| 1308 | her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I |
| 1309 | had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone |
| 1310 | told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was |
| 1311 | lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he |
| 1312 | fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing |
| 1313 | what men must do. ... |
| 1314 | "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible |
| 1315 | sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew |
| 1316 | not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a |
| 1317 | quiet and peace I will never forget. |
| 1318 | "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the |
| 1319 | tollway belle's for thee." |
| 1320 | The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was |
| 1321 | a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I |
| 1322 | poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. |
| 1323 | -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway |
| 1324 | Competition |
| 1325 | % |
| 1326 | "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty |
| 1327 | teenager asked her mother. |
| 1328 | "Encouragement, dear," she replied. |
| 1329 | % |
| 1330 | "What's that thing?" |
| 1331 | "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in |
| 1332 | computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what |
| 1333 | it does. We call it a two-by-four." |
| 1334 | -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" |
| 1335 | % |
| 1336 | When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure |
| 1337 | clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer |
| 1338 | to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. |
| 1339 | In a way, the next move is up to him. |
| 1340 | -- R. A. Lafferty |
| 1341 | % |
| 1342 | "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon |
| 1343 | airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in |
| 1344 | deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me |
| 1345 | when I was young!" |
| 1346 | "Why, what did she tell you?" |
| 1347 | "I don't know, I didn't listen!" |
| 1348 | -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" |
| 1349 | % |
| 1350 | YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF |
| 1351 | PAPER SHUFFLING! |
| 1352 | |
| 1353 | Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be |
| 1354 | a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel |
| 1355 | really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." |
| 1356 | |
| 1357 | Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward |
| 1358 | to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and |
| 1359 | make really big Zorkmids." |
| 1360 | |
| 1361 | MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when |
| 1362 | you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. |
| 1363 | |
| 1364 | SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! |
| 1365 | % |
| 1366 | You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the |
| 1367 | Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the |
| 1368 | parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. |
| 1369 | -- Sherlock Holmes |
| 1370 | % |
| 1371 | Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that |
| 1372 | bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a |
| 1373 | chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home |
| 1374 | electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit |
| 1375 | breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires |
| 1376 | until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can |
| 1377 | damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change |
| 1378 | your fuses regularly. |
| 1379 | Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This |
| 1380 | sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more |
| 1381 | often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case |
| 1382 | you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not |
| 1383 | sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a |
| 1384 | fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed |
| 1385 | electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, |
| 1386 | such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette |
| 1387 | table, etc. |
| 1388 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" |
| 1389 | % |
| 1390 | _ |
| 1391 | _ / \ o |
| 1392 | / \ | | o o o |
| 1393 | | | | | _ o o o o |
| 1394 | | \_| | / \ o o o |
| 1395 | \__ | | | o o |
| 1396 | | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ |
| 1397 | | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ |
| 1398 | | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ |
| 1399 | | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) |
| 1400 | | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- |
| 1401 | | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ |
| 1402 | | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ |
| 1403 | // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ |
| 1404 | // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ |
| 1405 | //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ |
| 1406 | |
| 1407 | Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels |
| 1408 | start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and |
| 1409 | then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the |
| 1410 | music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. |
| 1411 | -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" |
| 1412 | % |
| 1413 | n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); |
| 1414 | n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); |
| 1415 | n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); |
| 1416 | n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); |
| 1417 | n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); |
| 1418 | |
| 1419 | -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. |
| 1420 | % |
| 1421 | n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1); |
| 1422 | n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2); |
| 1423 | n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4); |
| 1424 | n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8); |
| 1425 | n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16); |
| 1426 | |
| 1427 | -- C code which counts the bits in a word. |
| 1428 | % |
| 1429 | " ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a |
| 1430 | pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!" |
| 1431 | -- Winston Churchill |
| 1432 | % |
| 1433 | ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you |
| 1434 | have turned into a pile of dust. |
| 1435 | % |
| 1436 | ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he |
| 1437 | was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. |
| 1438 | -- Mark Twain |
| 1439 | % |
| 1440 | "... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known |
| 1441 | quotations." |
| 1442 | -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare |
| 1443 | % |
| 1444 | "... all the modern inconveniences ..." |
| 1445 | -- Mark Twain |
| 1446 | % |
| 1447 | "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often |
| 1448 | picturesque liar." |
| 1449 | -- Mark Twain |
| 1450 | % |
| 1451 | ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. |
| 1452 | % |
| 1453 | ... And malt does more than Milton can |
| 1454 | To justify God's ways to man |
| 1455 | -- A. E. Housman |
| 1456 | % |
| 1457 | "... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of |
| 1458 | your own." |
| 1459 | -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter |
| 1460 | Preposterous Words |
| 1461 | % |
| 1462 | ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. |
| 1463 | -- J. B. White |
| 1464 | % |
| 1465 | ... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... |
| 1466 | % |
| 1467 | ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can |
| 1468 | easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed |
| 1469 | and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) |
| 1470 | upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was |
| 1471 | without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based |
| 1472 | on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court |
| 1473 | was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and |
| 1474 | sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, |
| 1475 | human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. |
| 1476 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 1477 | % |
| 1478 | ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human |
| 1479 | intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as |
| 1480 | we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues |
| 1481 | that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding |
| 1482 | of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard |
| 1483 | example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- |
| 1484 | makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing |
| 1485 | whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a |
| 1486 | finite or an infinite number. |
| 1487 | -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" |
| 1488 | % |
| 1489 | ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. |
| 1490 | -- Virginia Masters |
| 1491 | % |
| 1492 | ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___\b\b\bdid* quote anybody in this |
| 1493 | business, it probably would be gibberish. |
| 1494 | -- Thom McLeod |
| 1495 | % |
| 1496 | Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. |
| 1497 | % |
| 1498 | ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, |
| 1499 | and you would not have been informed. |
| 1500 | % |
| 1501 | " I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights |
| 1502 | instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is |
| 1503 | standing still ..." |
| 1504 | -- Steven Wright |
| 1505 | % |
| 1506 | "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was |
| 1507 | supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which |
| 1508 | actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." |
| 1509 | -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning |
| 1510 | Points in l'Amour" |
| 1511 | % |
| 1512 | ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with |
| 1513 | the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls |
| 1514 | asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... |
| 1515 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 1516 | % |
| 1517 | ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a |
| 1518 | KOSHER DELI!! |
| 1519 | % |
| 1520 | ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves |
| 1521 | smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is |
| 1522 | not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. |
| 1523 | -- Stephen Crane |
| 1524 | % |
| 1525 | ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and |
| 1526 | legally ... impeccable! |
| 1527 | % |
| 1528 | ... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling |
| 1529 | Alley!! |
| 1530 | % |
| 1531 | ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to |
| 1532 | get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in |
| 1533 | the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs |
| 1534 | on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage |
| 1535 | children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a |
| 1536 | snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn |
| 1537 | to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about |
| 1538 | a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an |
| 1539 | outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does |
| 1540 | he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect |
| 1541 | Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks |
| 1542 | Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some |
| 1543 | kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your |
| 1544 | children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop |
| 1545 | quickly. |
| 1546 | -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" |
| 1547 | % |
| 1548 | ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you |
| 1549 | with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday |
| 1550 | shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday |
| 1551 | advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a |
| 1552 | shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take |
| 1553 | them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. |
| 1554 | -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" |
| 1555 | % |
| 1556 | "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, |
| 1557 | lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of |
| 1558 | their C programs." |
| 1559 | -- Robert Firth |
| 1560 | % |
| 1561 | ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce |
| 1562 | Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One |
| 1563 | thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If |
| 1564 | somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it |
| 1565 | on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what |
| 1566 | a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. |
| 1567 | -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" |
| 1568 | % |
| 1569 | ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those |
| 1570 | who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, |
| 1571 | and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious |
| 1572 | and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. |
| 1573 | -- Voltarine de Cleyre |
| 1574 | % |
| 1575 | ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their |
| 1576 | procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as |
| 1577 | to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of |
| 1578 | sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making |
| 1579 | documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly |
| 1580 | listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another |
| 1581 | documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, |
| 1582 | under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the |
| 1583 | effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply |
| 1584 | scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White |
| 1585 | in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of |
| 1586 | thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and |
| 1587 | then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very |
| 1588 | dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all |
| 1589 | along. |
| 1590 | -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" |
| 1591 | % |
| 1592 | ... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that |
| 1593 | consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune |
| 1594 | of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to |
| 1595 | listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. |
| 1596 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 1597 | % |
| 1598 | "... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." |
| 1599 | -- Dave Barry |
| 1600 | % |
| 1601 | ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! |
| 1602 | % |
| 1603 | ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from |
| 1604 | other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in |
| 1605 | charity we can only call "inhuman." |
| 1606 | -- R. A. Lafferty |
| 1607 | % |
| 1608 | ... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives |
| 1609 | as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as |
| 1610 | determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people |
| 1611 | buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s |
| 1612 | couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three |
| 1613 | weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, |
| 1614 | they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent |
| 1615 | restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of |
| 1616 | excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going |
| 1617 | off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have |
| 1618 | a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. |
| 1619 | -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" |
| 1620 | % |
| 1621 | !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH |
| 1622 | % |
| 1623 | (1) Alexander the Great was a great general. |
| 1624 | (2) Great generals are forewarned. |
| 1625 | (3) Forewarned is forearmed. |
| 1626 | (4) Four is an even number. |
| 1627 | (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. |
| 1628 | (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. |
| 1629 | |
| 1630 | Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. |
| 1631 | % |
| 1632 | (1) Everything depends. |
| 1633 | (2) Nothing is always. |
| 1634 | (3) Everything is sometimes. |
| 1635 | % |
| 1636 | 100 buckets of bits on the bus |
| 1637 | 100 buckets of bits |
| 1638 | Take one down, short it to ground |
| 1639 | FF buckets of bits on the bus |
| 1640 | |
| 1641 | FF buckets of bits on the bus |
| 1642 | FF buckets of bits |
| 1643 | Take one down, short it to ground |
| 1644 | FE buckets of bits on the bus |
| 1645 | |
| 1646 | ad infinitum... |
| 1647 | % |
| 1648 | $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at |
| 1649 | which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. |
| 1650 | -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" |
| 1651 | % |
| 1652 | 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. |
| 1653 | % |
| 1654 | 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR |
| 1655 | (1) Scarecrow for centipedes |
| 1656 | (2) Dead cat brush |
| 1657 | (3) Hair barrettes |
| 1658 | (4) Cleats |
| 1659 | (5) Self-piercing earrings |
| 1660 | (6) Fungus trellis |
| 1661 | (7) False eyelashes |
| 1662 | (8) Prosthetic dog claws |
| 1663 | . |
| 1664 | . |
| 1665 | . |
| 1666 | (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) |
| 1667 | (100) Killer velcro |
| 1668 | (101) Currency |
| 1669 | % |
| 1670 | 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's |
| 1671 | the law! |
| 1672 | % |
| 1673 | 186,282 miles per second: |
| 1674 | |
| 1675 | It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! |
| 1676 | % |
| 1677 | 2180, U.S. History question: |
| 1678 | What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what |
| 1679 | office did he later hold? |
| 1680 | % |
| 1681 | 3 syncs represent the trinity - init, the child and the eternal zombie |
| 1682 | process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such |
| 1683 | traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find |
| 1684 | ourselves in. |
| 1685 | -- Jordan K. Hubbard |
| 1686 | % |
| 1687 | $3,000,000 |
| 1688 | % |
| 1689 | "355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible |
| 1690 | simulation!" |
| 1691 | % |
| 1692 | 43rd Law of Computing: |
| 1693 | Anything that can go wr |
| 1694 | fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped |
| 1695 | % |
| 1696 | 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) |
| 1697 | The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National |
| 1698 | Redwood Forest. |
| 1699 | % |
| 1700 | 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) |
| 1701 | The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the |
| 1702 | Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. |
| 1703 | % |
| 1704 | 77. HO HUM -- The Redundant |
| 1705 | |
| 1706 | ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme |
| 1707 | --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife |
| 1708 | ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working |
| 1709 | ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the |
| 1710 | ---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to |
| 1711 | --- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. |
| 1712 | |
| 1713 | Nine in the second place means: |
| 1714 | The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. |
| 1715 | |
| 1716 | Six in the third place means: |
| 1717 | In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue |
| 1718 | Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! |
| 1719 | % |
| 1720 | 99 blocks of crud on the disk, |
| 1721 | 99 blocks of crud! |
| 1722 | You patch a bug, and dump it again: |
| 1723 | 100 blocks of crud on the disk! |
| 1724 | |
| 1725 | 100 blocks of crud on the disk, |
| 1726 | 100 blocks of crud! |
| 1727 | You patch a bug, and dump it again: |
| 1728 | 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... |
| 1729 | % |
| 1730 | A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no |
| 1731 | responsibility at the other. |
| 1732 | % |
| 1733 | A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. |
| 1734 | -- Carl Sandburg |
| 1735 | % |
| 1736 | A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out |
| 1737 | of a divorce. |
| 1738 | -- Don Quinn |
| 1739 | % |
| 1740 | A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining |
| 1741 | and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. |
| 1742 | -- Mark Twain |
| 1743 | % |
| 1744 | A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it |
| 1745 | adds up to be real money. |
| 1746 | -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen |
| 1747 | % |
| 1748 | A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. |
| 1749 | % |
| 1750 | A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. |
| 1751 | % |
| 1752 | A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. |
| 1753 | % |
| 1754 | A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have |
| 1755 | enlightened him with ours. |
| 1756 | % |
| 1757 | A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well |
| 1758 | as afterward. |
| 1759 | % |
| 1760 | A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the |
| 1761 | poor to protect them from each other. |
| 1762 | % |
| 1763 | A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. |
| 1764 | % |
| 1765 | A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not |
| 1766 | mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty |
| 1767 | trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. |
| 1768 | -- Dave Barry |
| 1769 | % |
| 1770 | A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. |
| 1771 | % |
| 1772 | A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. |
| 1773 | Avoid him. He's a Commie. |
| 1774 | % |
| 1775 | A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but |
| 1776 | won't cross the street to vote in a national election. |
| 1777 | -- Bill Vaughan |
| 1778 | % |
| 1779 | A city is a large community where people are lonesome together |
| 1780 | -- Herbert Prochnow |
| 1781 | % |
| 1782 | A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody |
| 1783 | wants to read. |
| 1784 | -- Mark Twain |
| 1785 | % |
| 1786 | A closed mouth gathers no foot. |
| 1787 | % |
| 1788 | A computer, to print out a fact, |
| 1789 | Will divide, multiply, and subtract. |
| 1790 | But this output can be |
| 1791 | No more than debris, |
| 1792 | If the input was short of exact. |
| 1793 | -- Gigo |
| 1794 | % |
| 1795 | A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. |
| 1796 | % |
| 1797 | A CONS is an object which cares. |
| 1798 | -- Bernie Greenberg. |
| 1799 | % |
| 1800 | A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it |
| 1801 | is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. |
| 1802 | % |
| 1803 | A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. |
| 1804 | -- Dyer |
| 1805 | % |
| 1806 | A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the |
| 1807 | damned things is ample. |
| 1808 | -- Rebecca West |
| 1809 | % |
| 1810 | A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. |
| 1811 | -- Ben Franklin |
| 1812 | % |
| 1813 | A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison |
| 1814 | And had an affair with a Saracen. |
| 1815 | She was not oversexed, |
| 1816 | Or jealous or vexed, |
| 1817 | She just wanted to make a comparison. |
| 1818 | % |
| 1819 | A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen |
| 1820 | lantern. |
| 1821 | -- Edgar A. Shoaff |
| 1822 | % |
| 1823 | A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? |
| 1824 | % |
| 1825 | A day without sunshine is like night. |
| 1826 | % |
| 1827 | A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur |
| 1828 | coat. |
| 1829 | % |
| 1830 | A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that |
| 1831 | you will look forward to the trip. |
| 1832 | % |
| 1833 | A diva who specializes in risqu'\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... |
| 1834 | % |
| 1835 | A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. |
| 1836 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 1837 | % |
| 1838 | A dozen, a gross, and a score, |
| 1839 | Plus three times the square root of four, |
| 1840 | Divided by seven, |
| 1841 | Plus five times eleven, |
| 1842 | Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. |
| 1843 | % |
| 1844 | A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a |
| 1845 | Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. |
| 1846 | Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network |
| 1847 | with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the |
| 1848 | Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly |
| 1849 | pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while |
| 1850 | simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick |
| 1851 | Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. |
| 1852 | % |
| 1853 | A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the |
| 1854 | subject. |
| 1855 | -- Winston Churchill |
| 1856 | % |
| 1857 | A fool must now and then be right by chance. |
| 1858 | % |
| 1859 | A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block |
| 1860 | of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an |
| 1861 | elephant. |
| 1862 | % |
| 1863 | A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into |
| 1864 | superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. |
| 1865 | -- George Bernard Shaw |
| 1866 | % |
| 1867 | A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. |
| 1868 | -- D. Gries |
| 1869 | % |
| 1870 | "A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch |
| 1871 | dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." |
| 1872 | -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" |
| 1873 | % |
| 1874 | A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. |
| 1875 | -- Adlai Stevenson |
| 1876 | % |
| 1877 | A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than |
| 1878 | he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men |
| 1879 | favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter |
| 1880 | facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. |
| 1881 | -- H. L. Mencken |
| 1882 | % |
| 1883 | A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding |
| 1884 | ducks. |
| 1885 | -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 |
| 1886 | % |
| 1887 | A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. |
| 1888 | A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. |
| 1889 | But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_\b_\b_\b_\bthat _\b_\b_\bhad _\b_\bto _\b_\b_\b_\bmean _\b_\b_\b_\b_\b_\b_\b_\b_\bsomething*. |
| 1890 | -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" |
| 1891 | % |
| 1892 | A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort |
| 1893 | of). |
| 1894 | % |
| 1895 | A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. |
| 1896 | Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific |
| 1897 | game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have |
| 1898 | traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, |
| 1899 | preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. |
| 1900 | -- Donald A. Metz |
| 1901 | % |
| 1902 | A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and |
| 1903 | placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or |
| 1904 | rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results |
| 1905 | from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball |
| 1906 | and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the |
| 1907 | ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical |
| 1908 | phenomena. |
| 1909 | -- Donald A. Metz |
| 1910 | % |
| 1911 | A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened |
| 1912 | into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the |
| 1913 | hope of greening the landscape of idea. |
| 1914 | -- John Ciardi |
| 1915 | % |
| 1916 | A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever |
| 1917 | gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes, |
| 1918 | then asks the backhoe operator for directions. |
| 1919 | -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net> |
| 1920 | % |
| 1921 | A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely |
| 1922 | rearranging their prejudices. |
| 1923 | -- William James |
| 1924 | % |
| 1925 | A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest |
| 1926 | man a century. |
| 1927 | % |
| 1928 | A hypothetical paradox: |
| 1929 | What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security |
| 1930 | team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of |
| 1931 | Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? |
| 1932 | -- Tom Galloway |
| 1933 | % |
| 1934 | A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. |
| 1935 | C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. |
| 1936 | E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. |
| 1937 | G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. |
| 1938 | I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. |
| 1939 | K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. |
| 1940 | M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. |
| 1941 | O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl |
| 1942 | Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. |
| 1943 | S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. |
| 1944 | U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. |
| 1945 | W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. |
| 1946 | Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. |
| 1947 | -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" |
| 1948 | % |
| 1949 | A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. |
| 1950 | % |
| 1951 | A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide |
| 1952 | who has the better lawyer. |
| 1953 | -- Robert Frost |
| 1954 | % |
| 1955 | A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. |
| 1956 | % |
| 1957 | A lady with one of her ears applied |
| 1958 | To an open keyhole heard, inside, |
| 1959 | Two female gossips in converse free -- |
| 1960 | The subject engaging them was she. |
| 1961 | "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks |
| 1962 | That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" |
| 1963 | As soon as no more of it she could hear |
| 1964 | The lady, indignant, removed her ear. |
| 1965 | "I will not stay," she said with a pout, |
| 1966 | "To hear my character lied about!" |
| 1967 | -- Gopete Sherany |
| 1968 | % |
| 1969 | A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is |
| 1970 | not worth knowing. |
| 1971 | % |
| 1972 | A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program |
| 1973 | in than some that do. |
| 1974 | -- Dennis M. Ritchie |
| 1975 | % |
| 1976 | A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work |
| 1977 | by being declared to work. |
| 1978 | -- Anatol Holt |
| 1979 | % |
| 1980 | A Law of Computer Programming: |
| 1981 | Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you |
| 1982 | will find the programmers cannot write in English. |
| 1983 | % |
| 1984 | A limerick packs laughs anatomical |
| 1985 | Into space that is quite economical. |
| 1986 | But the good ones I've seen |
| 1987 | So seldom are clean, |
| 1988 | And the clean ones so seldom are comical. |
| 1989 | % |
| 1990 | A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of |
| 1991 | nothing. |
| 1992 | % |
| 1993 | A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. |
| 1994 | -- H. H. Munroe |
| 1995 | % |
| 1996 | A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. |
| 1997 | % |
| 1998 | A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any |
| 1999 | price. |
| 2000 | % |
| 2001 | A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in |
| 2002 | his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and |
| 2003 | exceptional ability in that particular field." |
| 2004 | % |
| 2005 | A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. |
| 2006 | -- Steve Wright |
| 2007 | % |
| 2008 | A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I |
| 2009 | believe everything positively stinks. |
| 2010 | -- Lew Col |
| 2011 | % |
| 2012 | A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" |
| 2013 | |
| 2014 | "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a |
| 2015 | sense of obligation." |
| 2016 | -- Stephen Crane |
| 2017 | % |
| 2018 | A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. |
| 2019 | % |
| 2020 | A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. |
| 2021 | % |
| 2022 | A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed |
| 2023 | on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new |
| 2024 | game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the |
| 2025 | pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly |
| 2026 | along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their |
| 2027 | heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn |
| 2028 | around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite |
| 2029 | direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the |
| 2030 | paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin |
| 2031 | colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins |
| 2032 | fall over gently onto their backs. |
| 2033 | -- Audobon Society Magazine |
| 2034 | |
| 2035 | 2001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk: |
| 2036 | |
| 2037 | For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) |
| 2038 | monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as |
| 2039 | Lynx helicopters passed overhead. |
| 2040 | |
| 2041 | "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," |
| 2042 | said team leader Dr Richard Stone. |
| 2043 | |
| 2044 | "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped |
| 2045 | calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated |
| 2046 | with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, |
| 2047 | really." |
| 2048 | |
| 2049 | The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres |
| 2050 | (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" |
| 2051 | on king penguins. |
| 2052 | % |
| 2053 | A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out |
| 2054 | on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed |
| 2055 | loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom |
| 2056 | do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" |
| 2057 | % |
| 2058 | A new dramatist of the absurd |
| 2059 | Has a voice that will shortly be heard. |
| 2060 | I learn from my spies |
| 2061 | He's about to devise |
| 2062 | An unprintable three-letter word. |
| 2063 | % |
| 2064 | A new koan: |
| 2065 | |
| 2066 | If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. |
| 2067 | |
| 2068 | If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. |
| 2069 | |
| 2070 | It is an ice cream koan. |
| 2071 | % |
| 2072 | A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. |
| 2073 | Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now |
| 2074 | has no excuse for further procrastination. |
| 2075 | % |
| 2076 | A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies |
| 2077 | insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the |
| 2078 | right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. |
| 2079 | % |
| 2080 | A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the |
| 2081 | rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. |
| 2082 | % |
| 2083 | A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a |
| 2084 | "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. |
| 2085 | -- Mahatma Ghandi |
| 2086 | % |
| 2087 | A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power |
| 2088 | off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: |
| 2089 | "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no |
| 2090 | understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off |
| 2091 | and on. The machine worked. |
| 2092 | % |
| 2093 | A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. |
| 2094 | % |
| 2095 | A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. |
| 2096 | -- Gloria Steinem |
| 2097 | % |
| 2098 | A penny saved is ridiculous. |
| 2099 | % |
| 2100 | A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. |
| 2101 | % |
| 2102 | A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. |
| 2103 | -- George Wald |
| 2104 | % |
| 2105 | A pig is a jolly companion, |
| 2106 | Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- |
| 2107 | A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, |
| 2108 | Though mountains may topple and tilt. |
| 2109 | When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, |
| 2110 | When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, |
| 2111 | Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, |
| 2112 | You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, |
| 2113 | You'll never go wrong with a pig! |
| 2114 | -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" |
| 2115 | % |
| 2116 | "A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!" |
| 2117 | -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra" |
| 2118 | % |
| 2119 | A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? |
| 2120 | |
| 2121 | And he answered: |
| 2122 | |
| 2123 | It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. |
| 2124 | |
| 2125 | It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. |
| 2126 | |
| 2127 | It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City |
| 2128 | upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come |
| 2129 | to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. |
| 2130 | |
| 2131 | And that is Fate? said the priest. |
| 2132 | |
| 2133 | Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. |
| 2134 | |
| 2135 | That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was |
| 2136 | too. |
| 2137 | -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" |
| 2138 | % |
| 2139 | A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. |
| 2140 | % |
| 2141 | "A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis |
| 2142 | of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite |
| 2143 | series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric |
| 2144 | precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from |
| 2145 | inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical |
| 2146 | accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality |
| 2147 | for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly |
| 2148 | defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the |
| 2149 | information in the first place." |
| 2150 | -- IEEE Grid news magazine |
| 2151 | % |
| 2152 | A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that |
| 2153 | your wife will give you for free. |
| 2154 | % |
| 2155 | A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be |
| 2156 | too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which |
| 2157 | was intended for her preservation. |
| 2158 | -- Colton |
| 2159 | % |
| 2160 | A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as |
| 2161 | "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if |
| 2162 | the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants |
| 2163 | to make a travesty of the game. |
| 2164 | -- Donald A. Metz |
| 2165 | % |
| 2166 | "A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked |
| 2167 | out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon." |
| 2168 | -- Steel City News |
| 2169 | % |
| 2170 | "A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives." |
| 2171 | % |
| 2172 | A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: |
| 2173 | |
| 2174 | Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, |
| 2175 | "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny |
| 2176 | bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the |
| 2177 | lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and |
| 2178 | breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the |
| 2179 | Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of |
| 2180 | the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt |
| 2181 | thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then |
| 2182 | proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being |
| 2183 | the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand |
| 2184 | Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, |
| 2185 | shall snuff it." |
| 2186 | -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" |
| 2187 | % |
| 2188 | A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices |
| 2189 | that the system works. |
| 2190 | % |
| 2191 | A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and |
| 2192 | the real reason. |
| 2193 | % |
| 2194 | A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen |
| 2195 | objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer |
| 2196 | scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added |
| 2197 | concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three |
| 2198 | dimensional objects ... |
| 2199 | % |
| 2200 | A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may |
| 2201 | not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized |
| 2202 | rosewater. |
| 2203 | % |
| 2204 | A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man |
| 2205 | contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. |
| 2206 | -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery |
| 2207 | % |
| 2208 | A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will |
| 2209 | keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those |
| 2210 | that are worth committing. |
| 2211 | -- Samuel Butler |
| 2212 | % |
| 2213 | A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard |
| 2214 | -- Prof. Steiner |
| 2215 | % |
| 2216 | A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. |
| 2217 | -- O'Henry |
| 2218 | % |
| 2219 | A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many |
| 2220 | bad measures. |
| 2221 | -- Daniel Webster |
| 2222 | % |
| 2223 | A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to |
| 2224 | Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it |
| 2225 | true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as |
| 2226 | Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt |
| 2227 | shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. |
| 2228 | % |
| 2229 | A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an |
| 2230 | exam. |
| 2231 | % |
| 2232 | A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something |
| 2233 | undreamed of by its author. |
| 2234 | -- S. C. Johnson |
| 2235 | % |
| 2236 | A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over |
| 2237 | Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the |
| 2238 | other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing |
| 2239 | new versions of their own innards! |
| 2240 | -- Michael O'Brien |
| 2241 | % |
| 2242 | A tautology is a thing which is tautological. |
| 2243 | % |
| 2244 | A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, |
| 2245 | and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. |
| 2246 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 2247 | % |
| 2248 | A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by |
| 2249 | blowing first. |
| 2250 | % |
| 2251 | A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene |
| 2252 | triangle. |
| 2253 | % |
| 2254 | A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. |
| 2255 | % |
| 2256 | A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest |
| 2257 | in students. |
| 2258 | -- John Ciardi |
| 2259 | % |
| 2260 | "A University without students is like an ointment without a fly." |
| 2261 | -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin |
| 2262 | % |
| 2263 | A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, |
| 2264 | Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. |
| 2265 | She found a good way |
| 2266 | To combine work and play: |
| 2267 | She sells C shells by the seashore. |
| 2268 | % |
| 2269 | A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature |
| 2270 | replaces it with. |
| 2271 | -- Tennessee Williams |
| 2272 | % |
| 2273 | A very intelligent turtle |
| 2274 | Found programming UNIX a hurdle |
| 2275 | The system, you see, |
| 2276 | Ran as slow as did he, |
| 2277 | And that's not saying much for the turtle. |
| 2278 | % |
| 2279 | A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without |
| 2280 | getting nervous. |
| 2281 | % |
| 2282 | "A witty saying proves nothing." |
| 2283 | -- Voltaire |
| 2284 | % |
| 2285 | A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets |
| 2286 | people's attention. |
| 2287 | % |
| 2288 | "A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to |
| 2289 | admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact |
| 2290 | remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one |
| 2291 | reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It |
| 2292 | is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of |
| 2293 | using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these |
| 2294 | matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times." |
| 2295 | -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII |
| 2296 | % |
| 2297 | A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe |
| 2298 | in God. |
| 2299 | % |
| 2300 | A.A.A.A.A.: |
| 2301 | An organization for drunks who drive |
| 2302 | % |
| 2303 | \a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!\a |
| 2304 | You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! |
| 2305 | % |
| 2306 | Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. |
| 2307 | % |
| 2308 | "About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the |
| 2309 | ends." |
| 2310 | -- Herbert Hoover |
| 2311 | % |
| 2312 | Absence makes the heart go wander. |
| 2313 | % |
| 2314 | Absent, adj.: |
| 2315 | Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; |
| 2316 | slandered. |
| 2317 | % |
| 2318 | Absentee, n.: |
| 2319 | A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove |
| 2320 | himself from the sphere of exaction. |
| 2321 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 2322 | % |
| 2323 | Abstainer, n.: |
| 2324 | A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a |
| 2325 | pleasure. |
| 2326 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 2327 | % |
| 2328 | Absurdity, n.: |
| 2329 | A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own |
| 2330 | opinion. |
| 2331 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 2332 | % |
| 2333 | Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, |
| 2334 | because the stakes are so low. |
| 2335 | -- Wallace Sayre |
| 2336 | % |
| 2337 | Accident, n.: |
| 2338 | A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of |
| 2339 | body is better. |
| 2340 | % |
| 2341 | Accidents cause History. |
| 2342 | |
| 2343 | If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the |
| 2344 | Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not |
| 2345 | have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil |
| 2346 | could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and |
| 2347 | the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. |
| 2348 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 2349 | % |
| 2350 | According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person |
| 2351 | shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than |
| 2352 | fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening |
| 2353 | of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of |
| 2354 | the returns." |
| 2355 | % |
| 2356 | According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least |
| 2357 | once a year. |
| 2358 | % |
| 2359 | According to my best recollection, I don't remember. |
| 2360 | -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo |
| 2361 | % |
| 2362 | According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are |
| 2363 | totally worthless. |
| 2364 | % |
| 2365 | According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never |
| 2366 | dies. |
| 2367 | % |
| 2368 | "According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to |
| 2369 | live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came |
| 2370 | in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. |
| 2371 | Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime." |
| 2372 | -- David Letterman |
| 2373 | % |
| 2374 | Accordion, n.: |
| 2375 | A bagpipe with pleats. |
| 2376 | % |
| 2377 | Accuracy, n.: |
| 2378 | The vice of being right |
| 2379 | % |
| 2380 | Acid -- better living through chemistry. |
| 2381 | % |
| 2382 | Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. |
| 2383 | % |
| 2384 | Acquaintance, n.: |
| 2385 | A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well |
| 2386 | enough to lend to. |
| 2387 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 2388 | % |
| 2389 | "Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from |
| 2390 | coughing." |
| 2391 | % |
| 2392 | Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had |
| 2393 | everyone glued in their seats!" |
| 2394 | Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of |
| 2395 | it!" |
| 2396 | % |
| 2397 | Actor: So what do you do for a living? |
| 2398 | Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving |
| 2399 | dishes for Chinese restaurants. |
| 2400 | -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" |
| 2401 | % |
| 2402 | Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. |
| 2403 | % |
| 2404 | ADA, n.: |
| 2405 | Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in |
| 2406 | Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA |
| 2407 | awareness." |
| 2408 | % |
| 2409 | Admiration, n.: |
| 2410 | Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. |
| 2411 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 2412 | % |
| 2413 | Adolescence, n.: |
| 2414 | The stage between puberty and adultery. |
| 2415 | % |
| 2416 | "Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look |
| 2417 | like you ..." |
| 2418 | -- Gilda Radner |
| 2419 | % |
| 2420 | Adore, v.: |
| 2421 | To venerate expectantly. |
| 2422 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 2423 | % |
| 2424 | Adult, n.: |
| 2425 | One old enough to know better. |
| 2426 | % |
| 2427 | Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest |
| 2428 | way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. |
| 2429 | -- Sinclair Lewis |
| 2430 | % |
| 2431 | Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, |
| 2432 | then at least be aseptic. |
| 2433 | % |
| 2434 | After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. |
| 2435 | It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life |
| 2436 | more advanced than the lichen family. |
| 2437 | -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly |
| 2438 | Do" |
| 2439 | % |
| 2440 | After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. |
| 2441 | % |
| 2442 | After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not |
| 2443 | for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have |
| 2444 | simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. |
| 2445 | -- P. J. O'Rourke |
| 2446 | % |
| 2447 | After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found |
| 2448 | on the bench. |
| 2449 | % |
| 2450 | After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose |
| 2451 | names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary |
| 2452 | Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted |
| 2453 | many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi |
| 2454 | Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two |
| 2455 | different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current |
| 2456 | developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer |
| 2457 | attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led |
| 2458 | to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, |
| 2459 | skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously |
| 2460 | injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it |
| 2461 | hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact |
| 2462 | that it sinks like a stone. |
| 2463 | -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" |
| 2464 | % |
| 2465 | "After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of |
| 2466 | the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the |
| 2467 | cost to others, to win advancement." |
| 2468 | -- Norman Thomas |
| 2469 | % |
| 2470 | After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? |
| 2471 | % |
| 2472 | After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe |
| 2473 | everything. Just in case. |
| 2474 | % |
| 2475 | After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access |
| 2476 | cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been |
| 2477 | removed. |
| 2478 | % |
| 2479 | Afternoon, n.: |
| 2480 | That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the |
| 2481 | morning. |
| 2482 | % |
| 2483 | Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a |
| 2484 | change. |
| 2485 | % |
| 2486 | Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. |
| 2487 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 2488 | % |
| 2489 | Age, n.: |
| 2490 | That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we |
| 2491 | still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise |
| 2492 | to commit. |
| 2493 | -- Ambrose Bierce |
| 2494 | % |
| 2495 | Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, |
| 2496 | there's the rub. |
| 2497 | |
| 2498 | For all dreams are not equal, |
| 2499 | some exit to nightmare |
| 2500 | most end with the dreamer |
| 2501 | |
| 2502 | But at least one must be lived ... and died. |
| 2503 | % |
| 2504 | Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. |
| 2505 | % |
| 2506 | "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the |
| 2507 | Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact |
| 2508 | that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately |
| 2509 | unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep |
| 2510 | up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." |
| 2511 | -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic |
| 2512 | % |
| 2513 | Air is water with holes in it |
| 2514 | % |
| 2515 | Alas, I am dying beyond my means. |
| 2516 | -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed |
| 2517 | % |
| 2518 | Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire |
| 2519 | telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New |
| 2520 | York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? |
| 2521 | And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they |
| 2522 | receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." |
| 2523 | % |
| 2524 | Alden's Laws: |
| 2525 | (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause |
| 2526 | of pregnancy. |
| 2527 | (2) Always be backlit. |
| 2528 | (3) Sit down whenever possible. |
| 2529 | % |
| 2530 | Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, |
| 2531 | Aleph-null bottles of beer, |
| 2532 | You take one down, and pass it around, |
| 2533 | Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. |
| 2534 | % |
| 2535 | Alex Haley was adopted! |
| 2536 | % |
| 2537 | Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting |
| 2538 | for a dial tone. |
| 2539 | % |
| 2540 | Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of |
| 2541 | them keeps paying for it. |
| 2542 | -- Peggy Joyce |
| 2543 | % |
| 2544 | All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely |
| 2545 | than others. |
| 2546 | -- Alan Truscott |
| 2547 | % |
| 2548 | All extremists should be taken out and shot. |
| 2549 | % |
| 2550 | All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing |
| 2551 | without thinking. |
| 2552 | % |
| 2553 | "All flesh is grass" |
| 2554 | -- Isiah |
| 2555 | Smoke a friend today. |
| 2556 | % |
| 2557 | All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. |
| 2558 | % |
| 2559 | All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own |
| 2560 | importance. |
| 2561 | % |
| 2562 | All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled |
| 2563 | by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... |
| 2564 | % |
| 2565 | All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power |
| 2566 | -- Ashleigh Brilliant |
| 2567 | % |
| 2568 | All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are |
| 2569 | Socrates. |
| 2570 | -- Woody Allen |
| 2571 | % |
| 2572 | "All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us |
| 2573 | sane." |
| 2574 | % |
| 2575 | "All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more |
| 2576 | specific." |
| 2577 | -- Jane Wagner |
| 2578 | % |
| 2579 | All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. |
| 2580 | -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. |
| 2581 | % |
| 2582 | All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of |
| 2583 | the United States. |
| 2584 | -- Vic Gold |
| 2585 | % |
| 2586 | All power corrupts, but we need electricity. |
| 2587 | % |
| 2588 | All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. |
| 2589 | % |
| 2590 | All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of |
| 2591 | every organism to live beyond its income. |
| 2592 | -- Samuel Butler |
| 2593 | % |
| 2594 | All science is either physics or stamp collecting. |
| 2595 | -- E. Rutherford |
| 2596 | % |
| 2597 | "All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right |
| 2598 | hands." |
| 2599 | -- Saint Patrick |
| 2600 | % |
| 2601 | All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. |
| 2602 | % |
| 2603 | All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, |
| 2604 | too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you |
| 2605 | subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you |
| 2606 | can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. |
| 2607 | Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax |
| 2608 | decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What |
| 2609 | if it rains?" |
| 2610 | -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" |
| 2611 | % |
| 2612 | All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most |
| 2613 | ridiculous ones. |
| 2614 | -- La Rochefoucauld |
| 2615 | % |
| 2616 | All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by |
| 2617 | the government in less than a second. |
| 2618 | -- Jim Fiebig |
| 2619 | % |
| 2620 | All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. |
| 2621 | -- Sean O'Casey |
| 2622 | % |
| 2623 | All the world's a VAX, |
| 2624 | And all the coders merely butchers; |
| 2625 | They have their exits and their entrails; |
| 2626 | And one int in his time plays many widths, |
| 2627 | His sizeof being _\bN bytes. At first the infant, |
| 2628 | Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. |
| 2629 | And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, |
| 2630 | And shining morning face, creeping like slug |
| 2631 | Unwillingly to school. |
| 2632 | -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 |
| 2633 | % |
| 2634 | All theoretical chemistry is really physics; |
| 2635 | and all theoretical chemists know it. |
| 2636 | -- Richard P. Feynman |
| 2637 | % |
| 2638 | All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. |
| 2639 | % |
| 2640 | All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for |
| 2641 | fun. Money's just the way we keep score. |
| 2642 | % |
| 2643 | All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. |
| 2644 | % |
| 2645 | All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes |
| 2646 | infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in |
| 2647 | which he was born. |
| 2648 | -- Francois Fenelon |
| 2649 | % |
| 2650 | All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent |
| 2651 | upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a |
| 2652 | visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is |
| 2653 | informing, stimulating and ennobling. |
| 2654 | -- H. L. Mencken |
| 2655 | % |
| 2656 | Alliance, n.: |
| 2657 | In international politics, the union of two thieves who have |
| 2658 | their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot |
| 2659 | separately plunder a third. |
| 2660 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 2661 | % |
| 2662 | Alone, adj.: |
| 2663 | In bad company. |
| 2664 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 2665 | % |
| 2666 | Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight |
| 2667 | Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. |
| 2668 | -- Dave Barry |
| 2669 | % |
| 2670 | Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. |
| 2671 | % |
| 2672 | Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, |
| 2673 | mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have |
| 2674 | any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place |
| 2675 | to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, |
| 2676 | Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a |
| 2677 | serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the |
| 2678 | same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely |
| 2679 | that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A |
| 2680 | penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job |
| 2681 | running the post office. |
| 2682 | -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" |
| 2683 | % |
| 2684 | Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been |
| 2685 | reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the |
| 2686 | day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable |
| 2687 | interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on |
| 2688 | pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, |
| 2689 | and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. |
| 2690 | Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous |
| 2691 | material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the |
| 2692 | management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion |
| 2693 | the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical |
| 2694 | Gamekeeping." |
| 2695 | -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) |
| 2696 | % |
| 2697 | Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid |
| 2698 | back. |
| 2699 | % |
| 2700 | Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. |
| 2701 | % |
| 2702 | "Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing |
| 2703 | that way." |
| 2704 | % |
| 2705 | Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. |
| 2706 | % |
| 2707 | Ambidextrous, adj.: |
| 2708 | Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. |
| 2709 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 2710 | % |
| 2711 | Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. |
| 2712 | -- Charlie McCarthy |
| 2713 | % |
| 2714 | America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism |
| 2715 | to decadence without touching civilization. |
| 2716 | -- John O'Hara |
| 2717 | % |
| 2718 | America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, |
| 2719 | until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and |
| 2720 | changed its name to "America". |
| 2721 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 2722 | % |
| 2723 | American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective |
| 2724 | employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for |
| 2725 | employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference |
| 2726 | between the men's room and the women's room without having little |
| 2727 | pictures on the doors. |
| 2728 | -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" |
| 2729 | % |
| 2730 | "Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it." |
| 2731 | % |
| 2732 | An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because |
| 2733 | people refuse to see it. |
| 2734 | -- James Michener, "Space" |
| 2735 | % |
| 2736 | An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but |
| 2737 | is always polite to traffic cops. |
| 2738 | % |
| 2739 | "An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to |
| 2740 | New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but |
| 2741 | not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax." |
| 2742 | -- David Letterman |
| 2743 | % |
| 2744 | An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. |
| 2745 | % |
| 2746 | An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. |
| 2747 | % |
| 2748 | An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree |
| 2749 | murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's |
| 2750 | mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. |
| 2751 | Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the |
| 2752 | suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a |
| 2753 | murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." |
| 2754 | % |
| 2755 | An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you |
| 2756 | really care to know. |
| 2757 | % |
| 2758 | An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. |
| 2759 | % |
| 2760 | An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. |
| 2761 | % |
| 2762 | An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded |
| 2763 | summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your |
| 2764 | arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey |
| 2765 | responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" |
| 2766 | % |
| 2767 | An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. |
| 2768 | -- A. P. Herbert |
| 2769 | % |
| 2770 | An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He |
| 2771 | wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is |
| 2772 | advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and |
| 2773 | Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in |
| 2774 | incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote |
| 2775 | excellence: |
| 2776 | |
| 2777 | "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and |
| 2778 | discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able |
| 2779 | to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting |
| 2780 | things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch |
| 2781 | parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a |
| 2782 | timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who |
| 2783 | doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. |
| 2784 | Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high |
| 2785 | school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as |
| 2786 | successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and |
| 2787 | they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." |
| 2788 | -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" |
| 2789 | % |
| 2790 | An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. |
| 2791 | % |
| 2792 | An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these |
| 2793 | eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as |
| 2794 | possible. |
| 2795 | -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" |
| 2796 | % |
| 2797 | An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. |
| 2798 | % |
| 2799 | "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge." |
| 2800 | % |
| 2801 | Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no |
| 2802 | government at all. |
| 2803 | % |
| 2804 | And as we stand on the edge of darkness |
| 2805 | Let our chant fill the void |
| 2806 | That others may know |
| 2807 | |
| 2808 | In the land of the night |
| 2809 | The ship of the sun |
| 2810 | Is drawn by |
| 2811 | The grateful dead. |
| 2812 | |
| 2813 | -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. |
| 2814 | % |
| 2815 | And I heard Jeff exclaim, |
| 2816 | As they strolled out of sight, |
| 2817 | "Merry Christmas to all -- |
| 2818 | You take credit cards, right?" |
| 2819 | -- "Outsiders" comic |
| 2820 | % |
| 2821 | And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. |
| 2822 | % |
| 2823 | And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and |
| 2824 | fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it |
| 2825 | looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One |
| 2826 | approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin |
| 2827 | is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then |
| 2828 | of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides |
| 2829 | gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this |
| 2830 | procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom |
| 2831 | youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and |
| 2832 | Orson Welles. |
| 2833 | -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" |
| 2834 | % |
| 2835 | "...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a |
| 2836 | courtesy detail." |
| 2837 | % |
| 2838 | And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a |
| 2839 | horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical |
| 2840 | columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, |
| 2841 | ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the |
| 2842 | world. |
| 2843 | -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" |
| 2844 | % |
| 2845 | And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have |
| 2846 | a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks |
| 2847 | tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets |
| 2848 | tragedy face to face, we have politics. |
| 2849 | -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and |
| 2850 | Ground Cover" |
| 2851 | % |
| 2852 | Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. |
| 2853 | Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____\b\b\b\b\bneeds heroes. |
| 2854 | -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" |
| 2855 | % |
| 2856 | Angels we have heard on High |
| 2857 | Tell us to go out and Buy. |
| 2858 | -- Tom Lehrer |
| 2859 | % |
| 2860 | Ankh if you love Isis. |
| 2861 | % |
| 2862 | Anoint, v.: |
| 2863 | To grease a king or other great functionary already |
| 2864 | sufficiently slippery. |
| 2865 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 2866 | % |
| 2867 | Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. |
| 2868 | % |
| 2869 | Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but |
| 2870 | television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom |
| 2871 | and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that |
| 2872 | offers whiter teeth *___\b\b\band* fresher breath. |
| 2873 | -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly |
| 2874 | Do" |
| 2875 | % |
| 2876 | Anthony's Law of Force: |
| 2877 | Don't force it; get a larger hammer. |
| 2878 | % |
| 2879 | Anthony's Law of the Workshop: |
| 2880 | Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible |
| 2881 | corner of the workshop. |
| 2882 | |
| 2883 | Corollary: |
| 2884 | On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike |
| 2885 | your toes. |
| 2886 | % |
| 2887 | Antonym, n.: |
| 2888 | The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. |
| 2889 | % |
| 2890 | Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. |
| 2891 | -- Charles McCabe |
| 2892 | % |
| 2893 | Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a |
| 2894 | representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a |
| 2895 | representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone |
| 2896 | capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. |
| 2897 | -- Richard Schickel |
| 2898 | % |
| 2899 | Any excuse will serve a tyrant. |
| 2900 | -- Aesop |
| 2901 | % |
| 2902 | Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that |
| 2903 | this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a |
| 2904 | whole week. |
| 2905 | % |
| 2906 | Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to |
| 2907 | sell it. |
| 2908 | % |
| 2909 | Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche |
| 2910 | -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, |
| 2911 | my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off |
| 2912 | the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was |
| 2913 | undoubtedly true. |
| 2914 | -- Solomon Short |
| 2915 | % |
| 2916 | Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. |
| 2917 | -- Sydney J. Harris |
| 2918 | % |
| 2919 | Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger |
| 2920 | object. |
| 2921 | % |
| 2922 | Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to |
| 2923 | exactly the point of most pressure. |
| 2924 | -- Milt Barber |
| 2925 | % |
| 2926 | Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. |
| 2927 | -- Rich Kulawiec |
| 2928 | % |
| 2929 | Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged |
| 2930 | demo. |
| 2931 | % |
| 2932 | Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. |
| 2933 | -- Arthur C. Clarke |
| 2934 | % |
| 2935 | Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked |
| 2936 | something. |
| 2937 | % |
| 2938 | Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. |
| 2939 | -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. |
| 2940 | % |
| 2941 | Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. |
| 2942 | % |
| 2943 | Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is |
| 2944 | probably parked. |
| 2945 | % |
| 2946 | Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. |
| 2947 | % |
| 2948 | Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is |
| 2949 | supposed to be doing at the moment. |
| 2950 | -- Robert Benchley |
| 2951 | % |
| 2952 | Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. |
| 2953 | -- Publius Syrus |
| 2954 | % |
| 2955 | Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with |
| 2956 | none. |
| 2957 | % |
| 2958 | Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he |
| 2959 | is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not |
| 2960 | make messes in the house. |
| 2961 | -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" |
| 2962 | % |
| 2963 | Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. |
| 2964 | -- Samuel Goldwyn |
| 2965 | % |
| 2966 | Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. |
| 2967 | -- W. C. Fields |
| 2968 | % |
| 2969 | Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no |
| 2970 | account be allowed to do the job. |
| 2971 | -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" |
| 2972 | % |
| 2973 | Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never |
| 2974 | tried taking candy from a baby. |
| 2975 | -- Robin Hood |
| 2976 | % |
| 2977 | Anything free is worth what you pay for it. |
| 2978 | % |
| 2979 | Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the |
| 2980 | price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" |
| 2981 | means the price went way up. |
| 2982 | % |
| 2983 | Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. |
| 2984 | % |
| 2985 | Anything worth doing is worth overdoing |
| 2986 | % |
| 2987 | "Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution" |
| 2988 | % |
| 2989 | Aphorism, n.: |
| 2990 | A concise, clever statement. |
| 2991 | Afterism, n.: |
| 2992 | A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. |
| 2993 | -- James Alexander Thom |
| 2994 | % |
| 2995 | APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of |
| 2996 | the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of |
| 2997 | coding bums. |
| 2998 | % |
| 2999 | "APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I |
| 3000 | can't read any of them." |
| 3001 | -- Roy Keir |
| 3002 | % |
| 3003 | Aquadextrous, adj.: |
| 3004 | Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off |
| 3005 | with your toes. |
| 3006 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 3007 | % |
| 3008 | AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) |
| 3009 | You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. |
| 3010 | You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to |
| 3011 | be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same |
| 3012 | mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. |
| 3013 | % |
| 3014 | Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: |
| 3015 | Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing |
| 3016 | general can be said." |
| 3017 | % |
| 3018 | ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- |
| 3019 | FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE |
| 3020 | % |
| 3021 | Are you a turtle? |
| 3022 | % |
| 3023 | "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." |
| 3024 | -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" |
| 3025 | % |
| 3026 | ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) |
| 3027 | You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You |
| 3028 | are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are |
| 3029 | not very nice. |
| 3030 | % |
| 3031 | Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your |
| 3032 | shoes. |
| 3033 | -- Mickey Mouse |
| 3034 | % |
| 3035 | Armadillo: |
| 3036 | To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle |
| 3037 | % |
| 3038 | Arnold's Laws of Documentation: |
| 3039 | (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. |
| 3040 | (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. |
| 3041 | (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the |
| 3042 | first two laws. |
| 3043 | % |
| 3044 | Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to |
| 3045 | measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you |
| 3046 | imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? |
| 3047 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 |
| 3048 | % |
| 3049 | Art is anything you can get away with. |
| 3050 | -- Marshall McLuhan. |
| 3051 | % |
| 3052 | Art is either plagiarism or revolution. |
| 3053 | -- Paul Gauguin |
| 3054 | % |
| 3055 | Arthur's Laws of Love: |
| 3056 | (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you |
| 3057 | remind them of someone else. |
| 3058 | (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be |
| 3059 | delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of |
| 3060 | yourself in person. |
| 3061 | % |
| 3062 | Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. |
| 3063 | % |
| 3064 | As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are |
| 3065 | interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick |
| 3066 | perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, |
| 3067 | "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... |
| 3068 | -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" |
| 3069 | % |
| 3070 | "As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual |
| 3071 | certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I |
| 3072 | became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can |
| 3073 | meet girls." |
| 3074 | -- Matt Cartmill |
| 3075 | % |
| 3076 | As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not |
| 3077 | certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. |
| 3078 | -- Albert Einstein |
| 3079 | % |
| 3080 | As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. |
| 3081 | -- Weisert |
| 3082 | % |
| 3083 | As I was going up Punch Card Hill, |
| 3084 | Feeling worse and worser, |
| 3085 | There I met a C.R.T. |
| 3086 | And it drop't me a cursor. |
| 3087 | |
| 3088 | C.R.T., C.R.T., |
| 3089 | Phosphors light on you! |
| 3090 | If I had fifty hours a day |
| 3091 | I'd spend them all at you. |
| 3092 | |
| 3093 | -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes |
| 3094 | % |
| 3095 | As I was passing Project MAC, |
| 3096 | I met a Quux with seven hacks. |
| 3097 | Every hack had seven bugs; |
| 3098 | Every bug had seven manifestations; |
| 3099 | Every manifestation had seven symptoms. |
| 3100 | Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, |
| 3101 | How many losses at Project MAC? |
| 3102 | % |
| 3103 | As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great |
| 3104 | industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free |
| 3105 | speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to |
| 3106 | myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a |
| 3107 | real American talk like that. |
| 3108 | -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) |
| 3109 | % |
| 3110 | As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? |
| 3111 | % |
| 3112 | As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its |
| 3113 | fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be |
| 3114 | popular. |
| 3115 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 3116 | % |
| 3117 | As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. |
| 3118 | % |
| 3119 | "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 |
| 3120 | programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging." |
| 3121 | -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new |
| 3122 | computer system. |
| 3123 | % |
| 3124 | As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it |
| 3125 | wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had |
| 3126 | to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized |
| 3127 | that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in |
| 3128 | finding mistakes in my own programs. |
| 3129 | -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 |
| 3130 | % |
| 3131 | As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's |
| 3132 | so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. |
| 3133 | -- Woody Allen |
| 3134 | % |
| 3135 | As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there |
| 3136 | is always a future in Computer Maintenance. |
| 3137 | -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" |
| 3138 | % |
| 3139 | As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free |
| 3140 | variable." |
| 3141 | % |
| 3142 | As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple |
| 3143 | memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time |
| 3144 | to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, |
| 3145 | E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. |
| 3146 | -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" |
| 3147 | % |
| 3148 | As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would |
| 3149 | interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the |
| 3150 | Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure |
| 3151 | out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on |
| 3152 | Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual |
| 3153 | organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, |
| 3154 | birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never |
| 3155 | see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and |
| 3156 | stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations |
| 3157 | with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are |
| 3158 | talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both |
| 3159 | highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. |
| 3160 | -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every |
| 3161 | Teen Should Know" |
| 3162 | % |
| 3163 | As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull |
| 3164 | your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. |
| 3165 | The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along |
| 3166 | with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall |
| 3167 | from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all |
| 3168 | over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of |
| 3169 | a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the |
| 3170 | spider is suing you for damages. |
| 3171 | % |
| 3172 | As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." |
| 3173 | % |
| 3174 | ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. |
| 3175 | % |
| 3176 | Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if |
| 3177 | one went to Harvard). |
| 3178 | -- Edgar R. Fiedler |
| 3179 | % |
| 3180 | Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the |
| 3181 | Station-to-Station rate. |
| 3182 | % |
| 3183 | Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. |
| 3184 | % |
| 3185 | Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the |
| 3186 | bathtub, it tolls for thee. |
| 3187 | % |
| 3188 | Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" |
| 3189 | for an answer. |
| 3190 | % |
| 3191 | "Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old |
| 3192 | woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, |
| 3193 | she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'" |
| 3194 | -- David Letterman |
| 3195 | % |
| 3196 | Ass, n.: |
| 3197 | The masculine of "lass". |
| 3198 | % |
| 3199 | Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. |
| 3200 | Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be |
| 3201 | strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. |
| 3202 | Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check |
| 3203 | and dying broke. |
| 3204 | -- Stanley Walker |
| 3205 | % |
| 3206 | "At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los |
| 3207 | Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head |
| 3208 | under the exhaust of a bus until he revived." |
| 3209 | % |
| 3210 | At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is |
| 3211 | not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where |
| 3212 | it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. |
| 3213 | -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow |
| 3214 | % |
| 3215 | At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know... |
| 3216 | We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit |
| 3217 | around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At |
| 3218 | least that's what we thought. Then it got worse. |
| 3219 | |
| 3220 | It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a |
| 3221 | while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that |
| 3222 | crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just |
| 3223 | have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little |
| 3224 | `more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day. |
| 3225 | Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even |
| 3226 | function as a normal person. |
| 3227 | |
| 3228 | I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If |
| 3229 | you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you |
| 3230 | some UNIX, |
| 3231 | |
| 3232 | Just Say No! |
| 3233 | % |
| 3234 | At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial |
| 3235 | challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. |
| 3236 | -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 |
| 3237 | % |
| 3238 | "At least they're ___________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bEXPERIENCED incompetents" |
| 3239 | % |
| 3240 | At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his |
| 3241 | thumb with a hammer. |
| 3242 | -- Marshall Lumsden |
| 3243 | % |
| 3244 | At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will |
| 3245 | find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on |
| 3246 | the computer. |
| 3247 | % |
| 3248 | Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole |
| 3249 | or street lamp. |
| 3250 | % |
| 3251 | Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. |
| 3252 | -- Winston Churchill |
| 3253 | % |
| 3254 | Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever |
| 3255 | depths they were once able to plumb. |
| 3256 | -- Stanley Kaufman |
| 3257 | % |
| 3258 | Automobile, n.: |
| 3259 | A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down |
| 3260 | pedestrians. |
| 3261 | % |
| 3262 | Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. |
| 3263 | -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" |
| 3264 | % |
| 3265 | Avoid reality at all costs. |
| 3266 | % |
| 3267 | "Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but |
| 3268 | we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you." |
| 3269 | -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student |
| 3270 | % |
| 3271 | Bacchus, n.: |
| 3272 | A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for |
| 3273 | getting drunk. |
| 3274 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 3275 | % |
| 3276 | Bagbiter: |
| 3277 | 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually |
| 3278 | intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This |
| 3279 | bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on |
| 3280 | obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the |
| 3281 | bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, |
| 3282 | CHOMPER, CHOMPING. |
| 3283 | % |
| 3284 | Bagdikian's Observation: |
| 3285 | Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American |
| 3286 | newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a |
| 3287 | ukelele. |
| 3288 | % |
| 3289 | Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: |
| 3290 | A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides |
| 3291 | by governors. |
| 3292 | % |
| 3293 | Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. |
| 3294 | % |
| 3295 | Banectomy, n.: |
| 3296 | The removal of bruises on a banana. |
| 3297 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 3298 | % |
| 3299 | Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. |
| 3300 | % |
| 3301 | Barach's Rule: |
| 3302 | An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own |
| 3303 | physician. |
| 3304 | % |
| 3305 | Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the |
| 3306 | floor -- especially in the dark. |
| 3307 | % |
| 3308 | Barometer, n.: |
| 3309 | An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we |
| 3310 | are having. |
| 3311 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 3312 | % |
| 3313 | Barth's Distinction: |
| 3314 | There are two types of people: those who divide people into two |
| 3315 | types, and those who don't. |
| 3316 | % |
| 3317 | Baruch's Observation: |
| 3318 | If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. |
| 3319 | % |
| 3320 | Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high |
| 3321 | taxes. |
| 3322 | -- Will Rogers |
| 3323 | % |
| 3324 | Basic is a high level languish. |
| 3325 | APL is a high level anguish. |
| 3326 | % |
| 3327 | "BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'." |
| 3328 | % |
| 3329 | Basic, n.: |
| 3330 | A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in |
| 3331 | that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. |
| 3332 | % |
| 3333 | Bathquake, n.: |
| 3334 | The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water |
| 3335 | faucet is turned on to a certain point. |
| 3336 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 3337 | % |
| 3338 | Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your |
| 3339 | door. |
| 3340 | % |
| 3341 | BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) |
| 3342 | % |
| 3343 | Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely |
| 3344 | get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your |
| 3345 | face. |
| 3346 | -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" |
| 3347 | % |
| 3348 | Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. |
| 3349 | % |
| 3350 | Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. |
| 3351 | -- Mark Twain |
| 3352 | % |
| 3353 | Be different: conform. |
| 3354 | % |
| 3355 | Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so |
| 3356 | get used to it. |
| 3357 | % |
| 3358 | Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake. |
| 3359 | % |
| 3360 | Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and |
| 3361 | miss |
| 3362 | -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" |
| 3363 | % |
| 3364 | Bees are very busy souls |
| 3365 | They have no time for birth controls |
| 3366 | And that is why in times like these |
| 3367 | There are so many Sons of Bees. |
| 3368 | % |
| 3369 | Begathon, n.: |
| 3370 | A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so |
| 3371 | you won't have to watch commercials. |
| 3372 | % |
| 3373 | Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh |
| 3374 | away. |
| 3375 | % |
| 3376 | Beifeld's Principle: |
| 3377 | The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and |
| 3378 | receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is |
| 3379 | already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better |
| 3380 | looking and richer male friend. |
| 3381 | % |
| 3382 | "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> |
| 3383 | % |
| 3384 | Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. |
| 3385 | % |
| 3386 | Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: |
| 3387 | (1) Houses are for people to live in. |
| 3388 | (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. |
| 3389 | (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. |
| 3390 | % |
| 3391 | "Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" |
| 3392 | -- Time Bandits |
| 3393 | % |
| 3394 | Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down |
| 3395 | to the copy center and make as many copies as you want." |
| 3396 | -- Kirk McKusick |
| 3397 | % |
| 3398 | Besides the device, the box should contain: |
| 3399 | |
| 3400 | * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" |
| 3401 | |
| 3402 | * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two |
| 3403 | club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. |
| 3404 | |
| 3405 | YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram |
| 3406 | cable. |
| 3407 | |
| 3408 | IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your |
| 3409 | spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car |
| 3410 | that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King |
| 3411 | without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's |
| 3412 | why." |
| 3413 | |
| 3414 | WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. |
| 3415 | -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" |
| 3416 | % |
| 3417 | Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. |
| 3418 | % |
| 3419 | Better dead than mellow. |
| 3420 | % |
| 3421 | better !pout !cry |
| 3422 | better watchout |
| 3423 | lpr why |
| 3424 | santa claus <north pole >town |
| 3425 | |
| 3426 | cat /etc/passwd >list |
| 3427 | ncheck list |
| 3428 | ncheck list |
| 3429 | cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist |
| 3430 | cat list | grep nice >giftlist |
| 3431 | santa claus <north pole > town |
| 3432 | |
| 3433 | who | grep sleeping |
| 3434 | who | grep awake |
| 3435 | who | egrep 'bad|good' |
| 3436 | for (goodness sake) { |
| 3437 | be good |
| 3438 | } |
| 3439 | % |
| 3440 | Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson |
| 3441 | Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. |
| 3442 | Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and |
| 3443 | great effort pushing boulders into a single word. |
| 3444 | |
| 3445 | It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. |
| 3446 | Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin |
| 3447 | equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the |
| 3448 | destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass |
| 3449 | both Parliament and Party. |
| 3450 | |
| 3451 | It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other |
| 3452 | planets, this may be the first message received from us. |
| 3453 | -- The Realist, November, 1964. |
| 3454 | % |
| 3455 | "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not |
| 3456 | tried it." |
| 3457 | -- Donald Knuth |
| 3458 | % |
| 3459 | Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! |
| 3460 | % |
| 3461 | Beware of low-flying butterflies. |
| 3462 | % |
| 3463 | Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. |
| 3464 | -- Leonard Brandwein |
| 3465 | % |
| 3466 | Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a |
| 3467 | drip under pressure. |
| 3468 | % |
| 3469 | "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and |
| 3470 | finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of |
| 3471 | murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by |
| 3472 | their ignorance the hard way." |
| 3473 | -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" |
| 3474 | % |
| 3475 | Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but |
| 3476 | nothing of interest is easy. |
| 3477 | % |
| 3478 | Binary, adj.: |
| 3479 | Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. |
| 3480 | % |
| 3481 | "Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same |
| 3482 | thing as division." |
| 3483 | % |
| 3484 | Bipolar, adj.: |
| 3485 | Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, |
| 3486 | New York |
| 3487 | % |
| 3488 | Birth, n.: |
| 3489 | The first and direst of all disasters. |
| 3490 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 3491 | % |
| 3492 | Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic |
| 3493 | % |
| 3494 | Bizoos, n.: |
| 3495 | The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a |
| 3496 | basketball. |
| 3497 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 3498 | % |
| 3499 | Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. |
| 3500 | % |
| 3501 | Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as |
| 3502 | Wheels. |
| 3503 | % |
| 3504 | BLISS is ignorance |
| 3505 | % |
| 3506 | Blood flows down one leg and up the other. |
| 3507 | % |
| 3508 | Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. |
| 3509 | % |
| 3510 | Blore's Razor: |
| 3511 | Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is |
| 3512 | funnier. |
| 3513 | % |
| 3514 | Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in |
| 3515 | plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has |
| 3516 | it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was |
| 3517 | arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept |
| 3518 | throwing up on them. |
| 3519 | % |
| 3520 | Boling's postulate: |
| 3521 | If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. |
| 3522 | % |
| 3523 | Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: |
| 3524 | Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so |
| 3525 | vividly manifests their lack of progress. |
| 3526 | % |
| 3527 | Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: |
| 3528 | Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. |
| 3529 | % |
| 3530 | BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! |
| 3531 | % |
| 3532 | Boob's Law: |
| 3533 | You always find something in the last place you look. |
| 3534 | % |
| 3535 | Bore, n.: |
| 3536 | A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. |
| 3537 | -- Walter Winchell |
| 3538 | % |
| 3539 | Bore, n.: |
| 3540 | A person who talks when you wish him to listen. |
| 3541 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 3542 | % |
| 3543 | Boren's Laws: |
| 3544 | (1) When in charge, ponder. |
| 3545 | (2) When in trouble, delegate. |
| 3546 | (3) When in doubt, mumble. |
| 3547 | % |
| 3548 | Boss, n.: |
| 3549 | According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages |
| 3550 | the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, |
| 3551 | in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an |
| 3552 | ornamental stud." |
| 3553 | % |
| 3554 | Boston, n.: |
| 3555 | Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for |
| 3556 | finishing second in the Irish jig competition. |
| 3557 | % |
| 3558 | Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry |
| 3559 | that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation |
| 3560 | straightened out for a crowbar. |
| 3561 | -- O. W. Holmes |
| 3562 | % |
| 3563 | Boy, life takes a long time to live |
| 3564 | -- Steven Wright |
| 3565 | % |
| 3566 | Boy, n.: |
| 3567 | A noise with dirt on it. |
| 3568 | % |
| 3569 | Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least |
| 3570 | when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. |
| 3571 | -- James Thurber |
| 3572 | % |
| 3573 | Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. |
| 3574 | -- Kin Hubbard |
| 3575 | % |
| 3576 | Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the |
| 3577 | unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only |
| 3578 | (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend |
| 3579 | to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' |
| 3580 | -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking |
| 3581 | Style" |
| 3582 | % |
| 3583 | Bradley's Bromide: |
| 3584 | If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a |
| 3585 | committee -- that will do them in. |
| 3586 | % |
| 3587 | Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: |
| 3588 | When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more |
| 3589 | easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have |
| 3590 | handled this?" |
| 3591 | % |
| 3592 | Brain fried -- Core dumped |
| 3593 | % |
| 3594 | Brain, n.: |
| 3595 | The apparatus with which we think that we think. |
| 3596 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 3597 | % |
| 3598 | Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: |
| 3599 | To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of |
| 3600 | error in an opponent. |
| 3601 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 3602 | % |
| 3603 | Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, |
| 3604 | since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. |
| 3605 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 3606 | % |
| 3607 | Bride, n.: |
| 3608 | A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. |
| 3609 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 3610 | % |
| 3611 | Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may |
| 3612 | revitalize the corner saloon. |
| 3613 | % |
| 3614 | British Israelites: |
| 3615 | The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of |
| 3616 | Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by |
| 3617 | Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further |
| 3618 | believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the |
| 3619 | Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in |
| 3620 | the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your |
| 3621 | head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. |
| 3622 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 3623 | % |
| 3624 | Broad-mindedness, n.: |
| 3625 | The result of flattening high-mindedness out. |
| 3626 | % |
| 3627 | Brontosaurus Principle: |
| 3628 | Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them |
| 3629 | in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when |
| 3630 | this occurs, they are an endangered species. |
| 3631 | -- Thomas K. Connellan |
| 3632 | % |
| 3633 | Brooke's Law: |
| 3634 | Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool |
| 3635 | discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it |
| 3636 | beyond recognition. |
| 3637 | % |
| 3638 | Brooks's Law: |
| 3639 | Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later |
| 3640 | % |
| 3641 | Brucify, v: |
| 3642 | 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified" |
| 3643 | 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements |
| 3644 | [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun}, |
| 3645 | {frustrate}] |
| 3646 | 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification |
| 3647 | (of one of the two other meanings). |
| 3648 | The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce |
| 3649 | Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for |
| 3650 | reviews just done in his spirit. |
| 3651 | % |
| 3652 | Bubble Memory, n.: |
| 3653 | A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's |
| 3654 | intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". |
| 3655 | % |
| 3656 | Bucy's Law: |
| 3657 | Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. |
| 3658 | % |
| 3659 | Bug, n.: |
| 3660 | An aspect of a computer program which exists because the |
| 3661 | programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he |
| 3662 | wrote the program. |
| 3663 | |
| 3664 | Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. |
| 3665 | -- Ray Simard |
| 3666 | % |
| 3667 | Bugs, pl. n.: |
| 3668 | Small living things that small living boys throw on small |
| 3669 | living girls. |
| 3670 | % |
| 3671 | BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the |
| 3672 | outfit." |
| 3673 | GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" |
| 3674 | BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." |
| 3675 | -- Jay Ward |
| 3676 | % |
| 3677 | Bumper sticker: |
| 3678 | |
| 3679 | "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British |
| 3680 | manufacture" |
| 3681 | % |
| 3682 | Bureaucrat, n.: |
| 3683 | A person who cuts red tape sideways. |
| 3684 | -- J. McCabe |
| 3685 | % |
| 3686 | Bureaucrat, n.: |
| 3687 | A politician who has tenure. |
| 3688 | % |
| 3689 | Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. |
| 3690 | % |
| 3691 | Burn's Hog Weighing Method: |
| 3692 | (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a |
| 3693 | sawhorse. |
| 3694 | (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. |
| 3695 | (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again |
| 3696 | perfectly balanced. |
| 3697 | (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. |
| 3698 | -- Robert Burns |
| 3699 | % |
| 3700 | "But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations |
| 3701 | paws." |
| 3702 | % |
| 3703 | "But I don't like Spam!!!!" |
| 3704 | % |
| 3705 | But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the |
| 3706 | system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, |
| 3707 | analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. |
| 3708 | -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing |
| 3709 | Compilers" |
| 3710 | % |
| 3711 | "But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast |
| 3712 | to the nearest gas station." |
| 3713 | % |
| 3714 | But scientists, who ought to know |
| 3715 | Assure us that it must be so. |
| 3716 | Oh, let us never, never doubt |
| 3717 | What nobody is sure about. |
| 3718 | -- Hilaire Belloc |
| 3719 | % |
| 3720 | But soft you, the fair Ophelia: |
| 3721 | Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, |
| 3722 | But get thee to a nunnery -- go! |
| 3723 | -- Mark "The Bard" Twain |
| 3724 | % |
| 3725 | But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who |
| 3726 | was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal |
| 3727 | education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in |
| 3728 | 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of |
| 3729 | American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was |
| 3730 | invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he |
| 3731 | invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant |
| 3732 | adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends |
| 3733 | electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the |
| 3734 | electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant |
| 3735 | part) sends it right back to the customer again. |
| 3736 | |
| 3737 | This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch |
| 3738 | of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since |
| 3739 | very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. |
| 3740 | In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United |
| 3741 | States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it |
| 3742 | ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate |
| 3743 | increases. |
| 3744 | -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" |
| 3745 | % |
| 3746 | "But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad |
| 3747 | place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. |
| 3748 | Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a |
| 3749 | kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, |
| 3750 | poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I |
| 3751 | explained yet about the bytes?" |
| 3752 | % |
| 3753 | "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable |
| 3754 | computers?" |
| 3755 | % |
| 3756 | Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes |
| 3757 | Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; |
| 3758 | Less dear than army ants in apple pies |
| 3759 | Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, |
| 3760 | Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; |
| 3761 | Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose |
| 3762 | They suck, and like the double-breasted suit |
| 3763 | Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, |
| 3764 | Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; |
| 3765 | And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: |
| 3766 | Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; |
| 3767 | Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. |
| 3768 | Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, |
| 3769 | Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. |
| 3770 | % |
| 3771 | By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task |
| 3772 | completely overwhelm you. |
| 3773 | % |
| 3774 | "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, |
| 3775 | it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to |
| 3776 | invent. (R. Emerson)" |
| 3777 | -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program |
| 3778 | (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") |
| 3779 | [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to |
| 3780 | misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] |
| 3781 | % |
| 3782 | "By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began |
| 3783 | to suspect 'Hungry' ..." |
| 3784 | -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" |
| 3785 | % |
| 3786 | By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I |
| 3787 | mean. |
| 3788 | -- Mark Twain |
| 3789 | % |
| 3790 | Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to |
| 3791 | point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very |
| 3792 | fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are |
| 3793 | often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people |
| 3794 | from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B |
| 3795 | that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____\b\b\b\b\bthere. They often |
| 3796 | wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell |
| 3797 | they wanted to be. |
| 3798 | -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" |
| 3799 | % |
| 3800 | C, n.: |
| 3801 | A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more |
| 3802 | like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or |
| 3803 | anything else. It is either the best language available to the art |
| 3804 | today, or it isn't. |
| 3805 | -- Ray Simard |
| 3806 | % |
| 3807 | Cabbage, n.: |
| 3808 | A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as |
| 3809 | a man's head. |
| 3810 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 3811 | % |
| 3812 | "Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception." |
| 3813 | -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 |
| 3814 | % |
| 3815 | Cahn's Axiom: |
| 3816 | When all else fails, read the instructions. |
| 3817 | % |
| 3818 | California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. |
| 3819 | -- Fred Allen |
| 3820 | % |
| 3821 | California, n.: |
| 3822 | From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or |
| 3823 | Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or |
| 3824 | "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." |
| 3825 | -- Ed Moran |
| 3826 | % |
| 3827 | Call on God, but row away from the rocks. |
| 3828 | -- Indian proverb |
| 3829 | % |
| 3830 | "Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target |
| 3831 | Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." |
| 3832 | % |
| 3833 | "Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle." |
| 3834 | -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth |
| 3835 | % |
| 3836 | "Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth |
| 3837 | Corner, Vermont." |
| 3838 | -- Clarence Darrow |
| 3839 | % |
| 3840 | Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two |
| 3841 | points. |
| 3842 | -- M. M. Johnston |
| 3843 | % |
| 3844 | Canada Bill Jone's Motto: |
| 3845 | It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. |
| 3846 | |
| 3847 | Supplement: |
| 3848 | A .44 magnum beats four aces. |
| 3849 | % |
| 3850 | Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents |
| 3851 | for postage and 30 cents for storage. |
| 3852 | -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial |
| 3853 | Post |
| 3854 | % |
| 3855 | Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? |
| 3856 | Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, |
| 3857 | A root or two, a torus and a node: |
| 3858 | The inverse of my verse, a null domain. |
| 3859 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" |
| 3860 | % |
| 3861 | CANCER (June 21 - July 22) |
| 3862 | You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's |
| 3863 | problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things |
| 3864 | off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare |
| 3865 | recipients are Cancer people. |
| 3866 | % |
| 3867 | Canonical, adj.: |
| 3868 | The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true |
| 3869 | story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some |
| 3870 | annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a |
| 3871 | point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and |
| 3872 | eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used |
| 3873 | the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. |
| 3874 | Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" |
| 3875 | Stallman: "What did he say?" |
| 3876 | Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." |
| 3877 | % |
| 3878 | CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) |
| 3879 | You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do |
| 3880 | much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any |
| 3881 | importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as |
| 3882 | they take root and become trees. |
| 3883 | % |
| 3884 | Captain Penny's Law: |
| 3885 | You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of |
| 3886 | the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. |
| 3887 | % |
| 3888 | Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than |
| 3889 | expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to |
| 3890 | complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their |
| 3891 | planning to reduce the time it takes. |
| 3892 | % |
| 3893 | Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and |
| 3894 | trousers that don't match. |
| 3895 | % |
| 3896 | Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: |
| 3897 | The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a |
| 3898 | dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then |
| 3899 | putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. |
| 3900 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 3901 | % |
| 3902 | Cat, n.: |
| 3903 | Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. |
| 3904 | % |
| 3905 | Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. |
| 3906 | -- Mark Twain |
| 3907 | % |
| 3908 | Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. |
| 3909 | % |
| 3910 | CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. |
| 3911 | % |
| 3912 | Cecil, you're my final hope |
| 3913 | Of finding out the true Straight Dope |
| 3914 | For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat |
| 3915 | But none of my cats are at all like that. |
| 3916 | This unusual animal (so it is said) |
| 3917 | Is simultaneously alive and dead! |
| 3918 | What I don't understand is just why he |
| 3919 | Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. |
| 3920 | My future now hangs in between eigenstates. |
| 3921 | In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. |
| 3922 | If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way |
| 3923 | And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. |
| 3924 | But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, |
| 3925 | Then I will *___\b\b\band* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. |
| 3926 | -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium |
| 3927 | of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams |
| 3928 | % |
| 3929 | Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. |
| 3930 | % |
| 3931 | Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the |
| 3932 | center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation |
| 3933 | works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. |
| 3934 | -- Kelvin Throop III |
| 3935 | % |
| 3936 | Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, |
| 3937 | how many? |
| 3938 | % |
| 3939 | Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. |
| 3940 | Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something |
| 3941 | Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy |
| 3942 | out of it? |
| 3943 | Jaka: Ugh! |
| 3944 | Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? |
| 3945 | -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" |
| 3946 | % |
| 3947 | Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long |
| 3948 | walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They |
| 3949 | then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy |
| 3950 | health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, |
| 3951 | not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find |
| 3952 | only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the |
| 3953 | others who have tried it. |
| 3954 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 3955 | % |
| 3956 | Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny-- |
| 3957 | Did you ever try buying them without money? |
| 3958 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 3959 | % |
| 3960 | Character Density, n.: |
| 3961 | The number of very weird people in the office. |
| 3962 | % |
| 3963 | Checkuary, n.: |
| 3964 | The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and |
| 3965 | ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his |
| 3966 | checks. |
| 3967 | % |
| 3968 | Chef, n.: |
| 3969 | Any cook who swears in French. |
| 3970 | % |
| 3971 | Chemicals, n.: |
| 3972 | Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. |
| 3973 | % |
| 3974 | Chemistry is applied theology. |
| 3975 | -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III |
| 3976 | % |
| 3977 | Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. |
| 3978 | % |
| 3979 | Chicago, n.: |
| 3980 | Where the dead still vote ... early and often! |
| 3981 | % |
| 3982 | Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: |
| 3983 | Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn |
| 3984 | headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". |
| 3985 | -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 |
| 3986 | % |
| 3987 | Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: |
| 3988 | The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request |
| 3989 | for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will |
| 3990 | cheerfully baste you. |
| 3991 | -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 |
| 3992 | % |
| 3993 | Chicken Little only has to be right once. |
| 3994 | % |
| 3995 | Chicken Little was right. |
| 3996 | % |
| 3997 | Chicken Soup, n.: |
| 3998 | An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, |
| 3999 | cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure |
| 4000 | is neurotic dependence on one's mother. |
| 4001 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
| 4002 | % |
| 4003 | Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every |
| 4004 | effort to teach them good manners. |
| 4005 | % |
| 4006 | Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're |
| 4007 | going to catch you in next. |
| 4008 | -- Franklin P. Jones |
| 4009 | % |
| 4010 | Children aren't happy without something to ignore, |
| 4011 | And that's what parents were created for. |
| 4012 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 4013 | % |
| 4014 | Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for |
| 4015 | word what you shouldn't have said. |
| 4016 | % |
| 4017 | Chism's Law of Completion: |
| 4018 | The amount of time required to complete a government project is |
| 4019 | precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. |
| 4020 | % |
| 4021 | Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: |
| 4022 | When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. |
| 4023 | % |
| 4024 | Chivalry, Schmivalry! |
| 4025 | Roger the thief has a |
| 4026 | method he uses for |
| 4027 | sneaky attacks: |
| 4028 | Folks who are reading are |
| 4029 | Characteristically |
| 4030 | Always Forgetting to |
| 4031 | Guard their own bac ... |
| 4032 | % |
| 4033 | Christ: |
| 4034 | A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. |
| 4035 | % |
| 4036 | Churchill's Commentary on Man: |
| 4037 | Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the |
| 4038 | time he will pick himself up and continue on. |
| 4039 | % |
| 4040 | Cigarette, n.: |
| 4041 | A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in |
| 4042 | between. |
| 4043 | % |
| 4044 | Cinemuck, n.: |
| 4045 | The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which |
| 4046 | covers the floors of movie theaters. |
| 4047 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 4048 | % |
| 4049 | Clairvoyant, n.: |
| 4050 | A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that |
| 4051 | which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. |
| 4052 | -- Ambrose Bierce |
| 4053 | % |
| 4054 | Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like |
| 4055 | shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. |
| 4056 | -- Phyllis Diller |
| 4057 | % |
| 4058 | Cleanliness is next to impossible. |
| 4059 | % |
| 4060 | "Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." |
| 4061 | % |
| 4062 | Cleveland still lives. God ____\b\b\b\bmust be dead. |
| 4063 | % |
| 4064 | Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. |
| 4065 | % |
| 4066 | Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on |
| 4067 | society. |
| 4068 | -- Mark Twain |
| 4069 | % |
| 4070 | COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. |
| 4071 | % |
| 4072 | Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. |
| 4073 | % |
| 4074 | Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- |
| 4075 | "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." |
| 4076 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 4077 | % |
| 4078 | "Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." |
| 4079 | -- Blair Houghton |
| 4080 | % |
| 4081 | Coincidence, n.: |
| 4082 | You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was |
| 4083 | going on. |
| 4084 | % |
| 4085 | Coincidences are spiritual puns. |
| 4086 | -- G. K. Chesterton |
| 4087 | % |
| 4088 | Cold, adj.: |
| 4089 | When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. |
| 4090 | % |
| 4091 | Cold, adj.: |
| 4092 | When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own |
| 4093 | pockets. |
| 4094 | % |
| 4095 | Collaboration, n.: |
| 4096 | A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the |
| 4097 | other fellow can spell. |
| 4098 | % |
| 4099 | College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the |
| 4100 | faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if |
| 4101 | the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, |
| 4102 | legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the |
| 4103 | loss to humanity. |
| 4104 | -- H. L. Mencken |
| 4105 | % |
| 4106 | Colvard's Logical Premises: |
| 4107 | All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it |
| 4108 | won't. |
| 4109 | |
| 4110 | Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: |
| 4111 | This is especially true when dealing with someone you're |
| 4112 | attracted to. |
| 4113 | |
| 4114 | Grelb's Commentary |
| 4115 | Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. |
| 4116 | % |
| 4117 | Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, |
| 4118 | And every vector dreams of matrices. |
| 4119 | Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: |
| 4120 | It whispers of a more ergodic zone. |
| 4121 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" |
| 4122 | % |
| 4123 | Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, |
| 4124 | Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, |
| 4125 | Their indices bedecked from one to _\bn, |
| 4126 | Commingled in an endless Markov chain! |
| 4127 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" |
| 4128 | % |
| 4129 | Command, n.: |
| 4130 | Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in |
| 4131 | such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. |
| 4132 | % |
| 4133 | Commitment, n.: |
| 4134 | Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. |
| 4135 | The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. |
| 4136 | % |
| 4137 | Committee, n.: |
| 4138 | A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group |
| 4139 | decide that nothing can be done. |
| 4140 | -- Fred Allen |
| 4141 | % |
| 4142 | Committee Rules: |
| 4143 | (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. |
| 4144 | (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this |
| 4145 | stamps you as being wise. |
| 4146 | (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the |
| 4147 | others. |
| 4148 | (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. |
| 4149 | (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you |
| 4150 | popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. |
| 4151 | % |
| 4152 | Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to |
| 4153 | be appointed to do the work. |
| 4154 | % |
| 4155 | Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at |
| 4156 | different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. |
| 4157 | -- Clive James |
| 4158 | % |
| 4159 | Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. |
| 4160 | -- Josh Billings |
| 4161 | % |
| 4162 | Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. |
| 4163 | -- Albert Einstein |
| 4164 | % |
| 4165 | Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness |
| 4166 | of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." |
| 4167 | -- David Guaspari |
| 4168 | % |
| 4169 | Computer programmers do it byte by byte |
| 4170 | % |
| 4171 | Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems |
| 4172 | theory. |
| 4173 | % |
| 4174 | Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. |
| 4175 | % |
| 4176 | Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. |
| 4177 | -- Pablo Picasso |
| 4178 | % |
| 4179 | Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in |
| 4180 | the world that just don't add up. |
| 4181 | % |
| 4182 | Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more |
| 4183 | than the estimate the job will cost. |
| 4184 | % |
| 4185 | Conceit causes more conversation than wit. |
| 4186 | -- LaRouchefoucauld |
| 4187 | % |
| 4188 | Concept, n.: |
| 4189 | Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than |
| 4190 | $25,000. |
| 4191 | % |
| 4192 | Condense soup, not books! |
| 4193 | % |
| 4194 | Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is |
| 4195 | good for dandruff. |
| 4196 | -- Peter de Vries |
| 4197 | % |
| 4198 | Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the |
| 4199 | situation. |
| 4200 | % |
| 4201 | Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that |
| 4202 | would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that |
| 4203 | you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer |
| 4204 | maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS |
| 4205 | OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY |
| 4206 | UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED |
| 4207 | IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD |
| 4208 | WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND |
| 4209 | SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, |
| 4210 | RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, |
| 4211 | RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE |
| 4212 | FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? |
| 4213 | -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" |
| 4214 | % |
| 4215 | Connector Conspiracy, n: |
| 4216 | [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the |
| 4217 | KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of |
| 4218 | manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) |
| 4219 | to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old |
| 4220 | stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive |
| 4221 | interface devices. |
| 4222 | % |
| 4223 | Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. |
| 4224 | -- H. L. Mencken |
| 4225 | % |
| 4226 | Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking |
| 4227 | -- H. L. Mencken |
| 4228 | % |
| 4229 | Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. |
| 4230 | % |
| 4231 | Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you |
| 4232 | wish you weren't. |
| 4233 | % |
| 4234 | "Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." |
| 4235 | -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] |
| 4236 | % |
| 4237 | Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then |
| 4238 | give it back to them. |
| 4239 | % |
| 4240 | "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and |
| 4241 | if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" |
| 4242 | -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" |
| 4243 | % |
| 4244 | "Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern |
| 4245 | technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat." |
| 4246 | % |
| 4247 | Conversation, n.: |
| 4248 | A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath |
| 4249 | is called the listener. |
| 4250 | % |
| 4251 | Conway's Law: |
| 4252 | In any organization there will always be one person who knows |
| 4253 | what is going on. |
| 4254 | |
| 4255 | This person must be fired. |
| 4256 | % |
| 4257 | Coronation, n.: |
| 4258 | The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and |
| 4259 | visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite |
| 4260 | bomb. |
| 4261 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 4262 | % |
| 4263 | Corrupt, adj.: |
| 4264 | In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. |
| 4265 | % |
| 4266 | Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a |
| 4267 | muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can |
| 4268 | make of capitalism. |
| 4269 | -- Walter Lippmann |
| 4270 | % |
| 4271 | Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job |
| 4272 | is to enforce the law and fight crime. |
| 4273 | -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan |
| 4274 | % |
| 4275 | Court, n.: |
| 4276 | A place where they dispense with justice. |
| 4277 | -- Arthur Train |
| 4278 | % |
| 4279 | Coward, n.: |
| 4280 | One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. |
| 4281 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 4282 | % |
| 4283 | Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with |
| 4284 | nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. |
| 4285 | -- Wernher von Braun |
| 4286 | % |
| 4287 | Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. |
| 4288 | -- A. E. Neuman |
| 4289 | % |
| 4290 | Critic, n.: |
| 4291 | A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries |
| 4292 | to please him. |
| 4293 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 4294 | % |
| 4295 | Croll's Query: |
| 4296 | If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? |
| 4297 | % |
| 4298 | cursor address, n: |
| 4299 | "Hello, cursor!" |
| 4300 | -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" |
| 4301 | % |
| 4302 | "Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It |
| 4303 | eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the |
| 4304 | business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." |
| 4305 | -- Johnny Hart |
| 4306 | % |
| 4307 | Cynic, n.: |
| 4308 | A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not |
| 4309 | as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking |
| 4310 | out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. |
| 4311 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 4312 | % |
| 4313 | Cynic, n.: |
| 4314 | One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced |
| 4315 | eye. |
| 4316 | % |
| 4317 | Dare to be naive. |
| 4318 | -- R. Buckminster Fuller |
| 4319 | % |
| 4320 | Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. |
| 4321 | % |
| 4322 | Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." |
| 4323 | Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." |
| 4324 | % |
| 4325 | Dawn, n.: |
| 4326 | The time when men of reason go to bed. |
| 4327 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 4328 | % |
| 4329 | Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. |
| 4330 | % |
| 4331 | %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory |
| 4332 | -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears |
| 4333 | % |
| 4334 | Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also |
| 4335 | easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to |
| 4336 | improve. |
| 4337 | % |
| 4338 | Dear Lord: |
| 4339 | I just want *___\b\b\bone* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On |
| 4340 | the other hand", again. |
| 4341 | % |
| 4342 | Dear Miss Manners: |
| 4343 | My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's |
| 4344 | elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between |
| 4345 | courses, is all right. Which is correct? |
| 4346 | |
| 4347 | Gentle Reader: |
| 4348 | For the purpose of answering examinations in your home |
| 4349 | economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this |
| 4350 | principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now |
| 4351 | than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners |
| 4352 | believes that is. |
| 4353 | % |
| 4354 | Dear Miss Manners: |
| 4355 | Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from |
| 4356 | your face. |
| 4357 | |
| 4358 | Gentle Reader: |
| 4359 | Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on |
| 4360 | your face ... |
| 4361 | % |
| 4362 | Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part |
| 4363 | of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old |
| 4364 | will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a |
| 4365 | commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as |
| 4366 | "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a |
| 4367 | table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always |
| 4368 | says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, |
| 4369 | "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this |
| 4370 | complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim |
| 4371 | if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a |
| 4372 | dead bat? |
| 4373 | |
| 4374 | Answer: Yes. |
| 4375 | -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" |
| 4376 | % |
| 4377 | Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? |
| 4378 | |
| 4379 | Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business |
| 4380 | signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a |
| 4381 | word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR |
| 4382 | ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when |
| 4383 | creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put |
| 4384 | quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT |
| 4385 | DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. |
| 4386 | -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" |
| 4387 | % |
| 4388 | Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. |
| 4389 | % |
| 4390 | Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. |
| 4391 | -- R. Geis |
| 4392 | % |
| 4393 | Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. |
| 4394 | % |
| 4395 | "Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'". |
| 4396 | % |
| 4397 | Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down |
| 4398 | % |
| 4399 | Death is only a state of mind. |
| 4400 | |
| 4401 | Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. |
| 4402 | % |
| 4403 | Death to all fanatics! |
| 4404 | % |
| 4405 | Decision maker, n.: |
| 4406 | The person in your office who was unable to form a task force |
| 4407 | before the music stopped. |
| 4408 | % |
| 4409 | Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really |
| 4410 | overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene |
| 4411 | language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the |
| 4412 | judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when |
| 4413 | addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). |
| 4414 | -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing |
| 4415 | Assoc. |
| 4416 | % |
| 4417 | "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of |
| 4418 | marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a |
| 4419 | theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, |
| 4420 | those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly |
| 4421 | blessed. |
| 4422 | -- Randy Davis |
| 4423 | % |
| 4424 | default, n.: |
| 4425 | [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, |
| 4426 | mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will |
| 4427 | come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. |
| 4428 | -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" |
| 4429 | % |
| 4430 | #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) |
| 4431 | #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ |
| 4432 | - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ |
| 4433 | - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) |
| 4434 | |
| 4435 | -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word |
| 4436 | % |
| 4437 | Definitions of hardware and software for dummies: |
| 4438 | |
| 4439 | Hardware is what you kick; |
| 4440 | Software is what you curse. |
| 4441 | % |
| 4442 | Deliberation, n.: |
| 4443 | The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is |
| 4444 | buttered on. |
| 4445 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 4446 | % |
| 4447 | "Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow." |
| 4448 | % |
| 4449 | Demand the establishment of the government |
| 4450 | in its rightful home at Disneyland. |
| 4451 | % |
| 4452 | Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than |
| 4453 | we deserve. |
| 4454 | -- George Bernard Shaw |
| 4455 | % |
| 4456 | Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder |
| 4457 | aloud what the country could do under first-class management. |
| 4458 | -- Senator Soaper |
| 4459 | % |
| 4460 | Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the |
| 4461 | incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. |
| 4462 | -- George Bernard Shaw |
| 4463 | % |
| 4464 | Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you |
| 4465 | don't think. |
| 4466 | % |
| 4467 | Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by |
| 4468 | Jackasses. |
| 4469 | -- H. L. Mencken |
| 4470 | % |
| 4471 | Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. |
| 4472 | -- Jawaharlal Nehru |
| 4473 | % |
| 4474 | Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people |
| 4475 | are right more than half of the time. |
| 4476 | -- E. B. White |
| 4477 | % |
| 4478 | Democracy, n.: |
| 4479 | A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass |
| 4480 | meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. |
| 4481 | Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. |
| 4482 | Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, |
| 4483 | whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, |
| 4484 | prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. |
| 4485 | Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. |
| 4486 | -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), |
| 4487 | since withdrawn. |
| 4488 | % |
| 4489 | Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the |
| 4490 | board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. |
| 4491 | % |
| 4492 | Dentist, n.: |
| 4493 | A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls |
| 4494 | coins out of one's pockets. |
| 4495 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 4496 | % |
| 4497 | Despising machines to a man, |
| 4498 | The Luddites joined up with the Klan, |
| 4499 | And ride out by night |
| 4500 | In a sheeting of white |
| 4501 | To lynch all the robots they can. |
| 4502 | -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson |
| 4503 | % |
| 4504 | Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will |
| 4505 | be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over |
| 4506 | the table. |
| 4507 | -- The Anarchist Cookbook |
| 4508 | % |
| 4509 | DeVries's Dilemma: |
| 4510 | If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want |
| 4511 | hits the paper. |
| 4512 | % |
| 4513 | Did I say 2? I lied. |
| 4514 | % |
| 4515 | Did you know that clones never use mirrors? |
| 4516 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 4517 | % |
| 4518 | Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined |
| 4519 | them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? |
| 4520 | % |
| 4521 | Did you know ... |
| 4522 | |
| 4523 | That no-one ever reads these things? |
| 4524 | % |
| 4525 | Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot |
| 4526 | that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: |
| 4527 | |
| 4528 | "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and |
| 4529 | squirrel." |
| 4530 | |
| 4531 | -- ihuxw!tommyo |
| 4532 | % |
| 4533 | "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a |
| 4534 | conventional thing to happen to him." |
| 4535 | -- John Barrymore's dying words |
| 4536 | % |
| 4537 | Die, v.: |
| 4538 | To stop sinning suddenly. |
| 4539 | -- Elbert Hubbard |
| 4540 | % |
| 4541 | Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. |
| 4542 | % |
| 4543 | Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. |
| 4544 | Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. |
| 4545 | % |
| 4546 | Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. |
| 4547 | % |
| 4548 | Disc space -- the final frontier! |
| 4549 | % |
| 4550 | Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my |
| 4551 | employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely |
| 4552 | coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is |
| 4553 | non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the |
| 4554 | absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. |
| 4555 | The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for |
| 4556 | the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, |
| 4557 | non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) |
| 4558 | % |
| 4559 | Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be |
| 4560 | yours too." |
| 4561 | -- Dave Haynie |
| 4562 | % |
| 4563 | Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. |
| 4564 | % |
| 4565 | Distinctive, adj.: |
| 4566 | A different color or shape than our competitors. |
| 4567 | % |
| 4568 | Distress, n.: |
| 4569 | A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. |
| 4570 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 4571 | % |
| 4572 | District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape |
| 4573 | injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any |
| 4574 | damage inflicted on the vehicle. |
| 4575 | % |
| 4576 | Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? |
| 4577 | % |
| 4578 | Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? |
| 4579 | % |
| 4580 | Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. |
| 4581 | % |
| 4582 | Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. |
| 4583 | % |
| 4584 | Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to |
| 4585 | anger. |
| 4586 | % |
| 4587 | "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good |
| 4588 | with ketchup." |
| 4589 | % |
| 4590 | Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. |
| 4591 | Violators will be prosecuted. |
| 4592 | (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) |
| 4593 | % |
| 4594 | Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. |
| 4595 | % |
| 4596 | Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each |
| 4597 | day as it comes. |
| 4598 | -- Donald Kaul |
| 4599 | % |
| 4600 | Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. |
| 4601 | % |
| 4602 | Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. |
| 4603 | % |
| 4604 | Do you have lysdexia? |
| 4605 | % |
| 4606 | Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take |
| 4607 | the time to take the dirt out of them? |
| 4608 | % |
| 4609 | "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" |
| 4610 | "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" |
| 4611 | "I've never done anything illegal before." |
| 4612 | "I thought you said you were an accountant!" |
| 4613 | % |
| 4614 | Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and |
| 4615 | when it is bad, it is better than nothing. |
| 4616 | -- Dick Brandon |
| 4617 | % |
| 4618 | Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must |
| 4619 | be good because the programmers hate it so much. |
| 4620 | % |
| 4621 | Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? |
| 4622 | % |
| 4623 | Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she |
| 4624 | pretty? |
| 4625 | W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of |
| 4626 | bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to |
| 4627 | sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. |
| 4628 | Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. |
| 4629 | W. C.: It's almost impossible. |
| 4630 | -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson |
| 4631 | E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" |
| 4632 | % |
| 4633 | Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. |
| 4634 | % |
| 4635 | Don't be humble ... you're not that great. |
| 4636 | -- Golda Meir |
| 4637 | % |
| 4638 | Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. |
| 4639 | % |
| 4640 | Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! |
| 4641 | -- Joe Cointment |
| 4642 | % |
| 4643 | "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, |
| 4644 | sincerely, extremely dangerously. |
| 4645 | |
| 4646 | They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. |
| 4647 | They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They |
| 4648 | used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used |
| 4649 | finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used |
| 4650 | fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. |
| 4651 | They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. |
| 4652 | They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. |
| 4653 | They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And |
| 4654 | what the hell, they caught him. |
| 4655 | |
| 4656 | -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the |
| 4657 | Tick-Tock Man" |
| 4658 | % |
| 4659 | Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! |
| 4660 | % |
| 4661 | Don't feed the bats tonight. |
| 4662 | % |
| 4663 | Don't get even -- get odd! |
| 4664 | % |
| 4665 | Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly |
| 4666 | misleading. Debug only code. |
| 4667 | -- Dave Storer |
| 4668 | % |
| 4669 | "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes |
| 4670 | you nothing. It was here first." |
| 4671 | -- Mark Twain |
| 4672 | % |
| 4673 | Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. |
| 4674 | % |
| 4675 | Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. |
| 4676 | % |
| 4677 | Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. |
| 4678 | % |
| 4679 | Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. |
| 4680 | % |
| 4681 | Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. |
| 4682 | % |
| 4683 | Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking |
| 4684 | distance. |
| 4685 | % |
| 4686 | Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. |
| 4687 | % |
| 4688 | Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. |
| 4689 | % |
| 4690 | Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy |
| 4691 | it today you can do it again tomorrow. |
| 4692 | % |
| 4693 | "Don't say yes until I finish talking." |
| 4694 | -- Darryl F. Zanuck |
| 4695 | % |
| 4696 | Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. |
| 4697 | Cheat. |
| 4698 | -- Ambrose Bierce |
| 4699 | % |
| 4700 | Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! |
| 4701 | -- "Brazil" |
| 4702 | % |
| 4703 | Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. |
| 4704 | -- Walt Kelly |
| 4705 | % |
| 4706 | Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive. |
| 4707 | % |
| 4708 | Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. |
| 4709 | % |
| 4710 | "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to |
| 4711 | get more wax!!" |
| 4712 | % |
| 4713 | Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts |
| 4714 | avoiding you. |
| 4715 | -- The Old Farmer's Almanac |
| 4716 | % |
| 4717 | "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any |
| 4718 | good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." |
| 4719 | -- Howard Aiken |
| 4720 | % |
| 4721 | Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already |
| 4722 | tomorrow in Australia. |
| 4723 | -- Charles Schultz |
| 4724 | % |
| 4725 | Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too |
| 4726 | busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. |
| 4727 | % |
| 4728 | Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? |
| 4729 | % |
| 4730 | Double-Blind Experiment, n.: |
| 4731 | An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is |
| 4732 | fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a |
| 4733 | belief in the tooth fairy. |
| 4734 | % |
| 4735 | Down with categorical imperative! |
| 4736 | % |
| 4737 | "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." |
| 4738 | % |
| 4739 | Drew's Law of Highway Biology: |
| 4740 | The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front |
| 4741 | of your eyes. |
| 4742 | % |
| 4743 | Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__\b\bis* fun trying. |
| 4744 | % |
| 4745 | Drive defensively. Buy a tank. |
| 4746 | % |
| 4747 | Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic |
| 4748 | route! |
| 4749 | % |
| 4750 | Ducharme's Axiom: |
| 4751 | If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize |
| 4752 | yourself as part of the problem. |
| 4753 | % |
| 4754 | Ducharme's Precept: |
| 4755 | Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. |
| 4756 | % |
| 4757 | Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and |
| 4758 | it holds the universe together ... |
| 4759 | -- Carl Zwanzig |
| 4760 | % |
| 4761 | Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders |
| 4762 | has been discontinued. |
| 4763 | % |
| 4764 | Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate |
| 4765 | and captain of your soul. |
| 4766 | % |
| 4767 | Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been |
| 4768 | discontinued. |
| 4769 | % |
| 4770 | During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several |
| 4771 | times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o |
| 4772 | % |
| 4773 | "Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have |
| 4774 | nothing whatever to do with it." |
| 4775 | -- W. Somerset Maugham |
| 4776 | % |
| 4777 | E Pluribus Unix |
| 4778 | % |
| 4779 | Eagleson's Law: |
| 4780 | Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more |
| 4781 | months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is |
| 4782 | an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) |
| 4783 | % |
| 4784 | Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends |
| 4785 | % |
| 4786 | /earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. |
| 4787 | % |
| 4788 | Earth is a beta site. |
| 4789 | % |
| 4790 | "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." |
| 4791 | -- Jeff Berner |
| 4792 | % |
| 4793 | Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: |
| 4794 | Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the |
| 4795 | cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of |
| 4796 | the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this |
| 4797 | means the puzzle is solved. |
| 4798 | -- Steve Rubenstein |
| 4799 | % |
| 4800 | "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work." |
| 4801 | % |
| 4802 | Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. |
| 4803 | -- John Kenneth Galbraith |
| 4804 | % |
| 4805 | Economics, n.: |
| 4806 | Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. |
| 4807 | Galbraith ... |
| 4808 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 4809 | % |
| 4810 | Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy |
| 4811 | would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it |
| 4812 | hasn't. |
| 4813 | -- Robert Orben |
| 4814 | % |
| 4815 | Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a |
| 4816 | percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. |
| 4817 | -- Edgar R. Fiedler |
| 4818 | % |
| 4819 | Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. |
| 4820 | -- Fred Allen |
| 4821 | % |
| 4822 | Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. |
| 4823 | -- Irsin Edman |
| 4824 | % |
| 4825 | Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! |
| 4826 | -- Bullwinkle Moose |
| 4827 | % |
| 4828 | Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. |
| 4829 | -- Adlai Stevenson |
| 4830 | % |
| 4831 | Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many |
| 4832 | people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable |
| 4833 | comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where |
| 4834 | the "nog" comes from. |
| 4835 | |
| 4836 | To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in |
| 4837 | season, eggs... |
| 4838 | % |
| 4839 | Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain |
| 4840 | of being a damned fool. |
| 4841 | -- Bellamy Brooks |
| 4842 | % |
| 4843 | Egotist, n.: |
| 4844 | A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. |
| 4845 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 4846 | % |
| 4847 | Ehrman's Commentary: |
| 4848 | (1) Things will get worse before they get better. |
| 4849 | (2) Who said things would get better? |
| 4850 | % |
| 4851 | Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. |
| 4852 | -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star |
| 4853 | % |
| 4854 | Eleanor Rigby |
| 4855 | Sits at the keyboard |
| 4856 | And waits for a line on the screen |
| 4857 | Lives in a dream |
| 4858 | Waits for a signal |
| 4859 | Finding some code |
| 4860 | That will make the machine do some more. |
| 4861 | What is it for? |
| 4862 | |
| 4863 | All the lonely users, where do they all come from? |
| 4864 | All the lonely users, why does it take so long? |
| 4865 | % |
| 4866 | Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. |
| 4867 | % |
| 4868 | Electrocution, n.: |
| 4869 | Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. |
| 4870 | % |
| 4871 | Elevators smell different to midgets |
| 4872 | % |
| 4873 | Emerson's Law of Contrariness: |
| 4874 | Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we |
| 4875 | can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. |
| 4876 | % |
| 4877 | Encyclopedia Salesmen: |
| 4878 | Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police |
| 4879 | and tell them your house is being burgled. |
| 4880 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 4881 | % |
| 4882 | Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. |
| 4883 | Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. |
| 4884 | -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary |
| 4885 | % |
| 4886 | Entropy isn't what it used to be. |
| 4887 | % |
| 4888 | Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which |
| 4889 | otherwise require harder thinking. |
| 4890 | -- Jerome Lettvin |
| 4891 | % |
| 4892 | Epperson's law: |
| 4893 | When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably |
| 4894 | something his wife can beat him at. |
| 4895 | % |
| 4896 | Equal bytes for women. |
| 4897 | % |
| 4898 | Error in operator: add beer |
| 4899 | % |
| 4900 | Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven |
| 4901 | Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; |
| 4902 | Und aller-m"\bumsige Burggoven |
| 4903 | Dir mohmen R"\bath ausgraben. |
| 4904 | -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" |
| 4905 | % |
| 4906 | Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. |
| 4907 | -- Woody Allen |
| 4908 | % |
| 4909 | Etymology, n.: |
| 4910 | Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that |
| 4911 | were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed |
| 4912 | from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" |
| 4913 | ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." |
| 4914 | -- Mike Kellen |
| 4915 | % |
| 4916 | Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to |
| 4917 | speak it to? |
| 4918 | -- Clarence Darrow |
| 4919 | % |
| 4920 | "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit |
| 4921 | there." |
| 4922 | -- Will Rogers |
| 4923 | % |
| 4924 | "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." |
| 4925 | -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" |
| 4926 | % |
| 4927 | Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United |
| 4928 | States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a |
| 4929 | day. |
| 4930 | % |
| 4931 | Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you |
| 4932 | just how busy they are. |
| 4933 | % |
| 4934 | Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, |
| 4935 | exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." |
| 4936 | All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with |
| 4937 | spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: |
| 4938 | Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please |
| 4939 | take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? |
| 4940 | My wife is available. No. How about ..." |
| 4941 | -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" |
| 4942 | % |
| 4943 | Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. |
| 4944 | % |
| 4945 | Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. |
| 4946 | % |
| 4947 | Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this |
| 4948 | woman and stop her. |
| 4949 | % |
| 4950 | "Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one |
| 4951 | idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's |
| 4952 | sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all |
| 4953 | of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two |
| 4954 | highly-motivated, caustic twits." |
| 4955 | -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet |
| 4956 | % |
| 4957 | Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired |
| 4958 | signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not |
| 4959 | fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not |
| 4960 | spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the |
| 4961 | genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way |
| 4962 | of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is |
| 4963 | humanity hanging on a cross of iron. |
| 4964 | -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 |
| 4965 | % |
| 4966 | Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): |
| 4967 | |
| 4968 | Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in |
| 4969 | front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an |
| 4970 | odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even |
| 4971 | and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of |
| 4972 | legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, |
| 4973 | there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse |
| 4974 | of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same |
| 4975 | color"], that does not exist. |
| 4976 | % |
| 4977 | Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. |
| 4978 | -- Frank Moore Colby |
| 4979 | % |
| 4980 | Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. |
| 4981 | % |
| 4982 | Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. |
| 4983 | -- Don Vonada |
| 4984 | % |
| 4985 | "Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95." |
| 4986 | % |
| 4987 | Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. |
| 4988 | -- Miguel de Cervantes |
| 4989 | % |
| 4990 | "Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the |
| 4991 | richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work" |
| 4992 | -- Robert Orben |
| 4993 | % |
| 4994 | Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. |
| 4995 | |
| 4996 | It makes sense, when you don't think about it. |
| 4997 | % |
| 4998 | Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one |
| 4999 | instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every |
| 5000 | program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. |
| 5001 | % |
| 5002 | Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and |
| 5003 | another for which it wasn't. |
| 5004 | % |
| 5005 | Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. |
| 5006 | % |
| 5007 | Every solution breeds new problems. |
| 5008 | % |
| 5009 | Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no |
| 5010 | guarantee of eventual success. |
| 5011 | % |
| 5012 | "Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it." |
| 5013 | % |
| 5014 | Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. |
| 5015 | -- Beckett |
| 5016 | % |
| 5017 | Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. |
| 5018 | -- Dykstra |
| 5019 | % |
| 5020 | Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. |
| 5021 | % |
| 5022 | Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be |
| 5023 | taught how ___\b\b\bnot to. So it is with the great programmers. |
| 5024 | % |
| 5025 | Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to |
| 5026 | realize it. |
| 5027 | % |
| 5028 | Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic |
| 5029 | formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the |
| 5030 | scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact |
| 5031 | wholly unconcerned with what ____\b\b\b\bdoes exist. Indeed, the banality of |
| 5032 | existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to |
| 5033 | discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the |
| 5034 | problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the |
| 5035 | mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, |
| 5036 | one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely |
| 5037 | different way ... |
| 5038 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" |
| 5039 | % |
| 5040 | Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____\b\b\b\bdoes anything about it. |
| 5041 | % |
| 5042 | Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, |
| 5043 | no one we know belongs. |
| 5044 | % |
| 5045 | Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being |
| 5046 | that a belch is more satisfying. |
| 5047 | -- Ingmar Bergman |
| 5048 | % |
| 5049 | Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about |
| 5050 | something you know. |
| 5051 | -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav, |
| 5052 | June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List |
| 5053 | % |
| 5054 | Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. |
| 5055 | % |
| 5056 | Everything you know is wrong! |
| 5057 | % |
| 5058 | Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less |
| 5059 | obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no |
| 5060 | solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. |
| 5061 | There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no |
| 5062 | straight lines. |
| 5063 | -- R. Buckminster Fuller |
| 5064 | % |
| 5065 | Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. |
| 5066 | % |
| 5067 | Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. |
| 5068 | % |
| 5069 | Excellent day to have a rotten day. |
| 5070 | % |
| 5071 | Excellent time to become a missing person. |
| 5072 | % |
| 5073 | Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from |
| 5074 | acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. |
| 5075 | -- W. Somerset Maugham |
| 5076 | % |
| 5077 | Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. |
| 5078 | % |
| 5079 | Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do |
| 5080 | the work. |
| 5081 | -- John G. Pollard |
| 5082 | % |
| 5083 | Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. |
| 5084 | % |
| 5085 | Expense Accounts, n.: |
| 5086 | Corporate food stamps. |
| 5087 | % |
| 5088 | Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. |
| 5089 | -- Olivier |
| 5090 | % |
| 5091 | Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake |
| 5092 | when you make it again. |
| 5093 | -- F. P. Jones |
| 5094 | % |
| 5095 | Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and |
| 5096 | the instruction afterward. |
| 5097 | % |
| 5098 | Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old |
| 5099 | ones. |
| 5100 | % |
| 5101 | Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. |
| 5102 | % |
| 5103 | Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. |
| 5104 | % |
| 5105 | Expert, n.: |
| 5106 | Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. |
| 5107 | % |
| 5108 | Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: |
| 5109 | |
| 5110 | NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE |
| 5111 | |
| 5112 | To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully |
| 5113 | cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand |
| 5114 | corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and |
| 5115 | address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- |
| 5116 | to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower |
| 5117 | left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card |
| 5118 | below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your |
| 5119 | computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL |
| 5120 | SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card |
| 5121 | (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the |
| 5122 | Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be |
| 5123 | disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print |
| 5124 | this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and |
| 5125 | completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. |
| 5126 | % |
| 5127 | F: When into a room I plunge, I |
| 5128 | Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. |
| 5129 | Then I linger, darkly brooding |
| 5130 | On the poison they're exuding. |
| 5131 | -- The Roguelet's ABC |
| 5132 | % |
| 5133 | f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. |
| 5134 | % |
| 5135 | f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. |
| 5136 | % |
| 5137 | F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! |
| 5138 | % |
| 5139 | Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. |
| 5140 | % |
| 5141 | Fairy Tale, n.: |
| 5142 | A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. |
| 5143 | % |
| 5144 | Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic |
| 5145 | without looking to see whether the seeds move. |
| 5146 | % |
| 5147 | Faith, n: |
| 5148 | That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be |
| 5149 | untrue. |
| 5150 | % |
| 5151 | Fakir, n: |
| 5152 | A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost |
| 5153 | religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to |
| 5154 | have shinnied up a rope and vanished. |
| 5155 | % |
| 5156 | Familiarity breeds attempt |
| 5157 | % |
| 5158 | Families, when a child is born |
| 5159 | Want it to be intelligent. |
| 5160 | I, through intelligence, |
| 5161 | Having wrecked my whole life, |
| 5162 | Only hope the baby will prove |
| 5163 | Ignorant and stupid. |
| 5164 | Then he will crown a tranquil life |
| 5165 | By becoming a Cabinet Minister |
| 5166 | -- Su Tung-p'o |
| 5167 | % |
| 5168 | Famous, adj.: |
| 5169 | Conspicuously miserable. |
| 5170 | -- Ambrose Bierce |
| 5171 | % |
| 5172 | Famous last words: |
| 5173 | % |
| 5174 | Famous last words: |
| 5175 | (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. |
| 5176 | (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. |
| 5177 | (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- |
| 5178 | (4) We won't need reservations. |
| 5179 | (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. |
| 5180 | (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. |
| 5181 | (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. |
| 5182 | % |
| 5183 | Famous last words: |
| 5184 | (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." |
| 5185 | (2) "You and what army?" |
| 5186 | (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be |
| 5187 | a cop." |
| 5188 | % |
| 5189 | Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the |
| 5190 | Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. |
| 5191 | Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an |
| 5192 | utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life |
| 5193 | forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches |
| 5194 | are a pretty neat idea ... |
| 5195 | -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" |
| 5196 | % |
| 5197 | Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it |
| 5198 | every six months. |
| 5199 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 5200 | % |
| 5201 | Fats Loves Madelyn |
| 5202 | % |
| 5203 | Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... |
| 5204 | % |
| 5205 | Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, |
| 5206 | neither will you. |
| 5207 | % |
| 5208 | Fifth Law of Applied Terror: |
| 5209 | If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. |
| 5210 | |
| 5211 | Corollary: |
| 5212 | If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you |
| 5213 | live. |
| 5214 | % |
| 5215 | Fifth Law of Procrastination: |
| 5216 | Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that |
| 5217 | there is nothing important to do. |
| 5218 | % |
| 5219 | Fifty flippant frogs |
| 5220 | Walked by on flippered feet |
| 5221 | And with their slime they made the time |
| 5222 | Unnaturally fleet. |
| 5223 | % |
| 5224 | Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North |
| 5225 | Carolina. |
| 5226 | % |
| 5227 | Finagle's Creed: |
| 5228 | Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. |
| 5229 | % |
| 5230 | Finagle's First Law: |
| 5231 | If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. |
| 5232 | % |
| 5233 | Finagle's fourth Law: |
| 5234 | Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes |
| 5235 | it worse. |
| 5236 | % |
| 5237 | Finagle's Second Law: |
| 5238 | No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be |
| 5239 | someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it |
| 5240 | happened according to his own pet theory. |
| 5241 | % |
| 5242 | Finagle's Third Law: |
| 5243 | In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, |
| 5244 | beyond all need of checking, is the mistake |
| 5245 | |
| 5246 | Corollaries: |
| 5247 | (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. |
| 5248 | (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really |
| 5249 | don't want to hear, will see it immediately. |
| 5250 | % |
| 5251 | Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture |
| 5252 | on a rock. |
| 5253 | -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 |
| 5254 | % |
| 5255 | Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. |
| 5256 | % |
| 5257 | Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. |
| 5258 | % |
| 5259 | Fine's Corollary: |
| 5260 | Functionality breeds Contempt. |
| 5261 | % |
| 5262 | Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: |
| 5263 | |
| 5264 | "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." |
| 5265 | |
| 5266 | Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: |
| 5267 | |
| 5268 | P.O. Box 35 |
| 5269 | Baffled Greek, Michigan |
| 5270 | % |
| 5271 | First, a few words about tools. |
| 5272 | |
| 5273 | Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of |
| 5274 | the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously |
| 5275 | injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If |
| 5276 | you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look |
| 5277 | particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for |
| 5278 | granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. |
| 5279 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" |
| 5280 | % |
| 5281 | First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: |
| 5282 | Machines that piss people off get murdered. |
| 5283 | -- Pat Taber |
| 5284 | % |
| 5285 | First Law of Bicycling: |
| 5286 | No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the |
| 5287 | wind. |
| 5288 | % |
| 5289 | First Law of Procrastination: |
| 5290 | Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility |
| 5291 | for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed |
| 5292 | the deadline). |
| 5293 | % |
| 5294 | First Law of Socio-Genetics: |
| 5295 | Celibacy is not hereditary. |
| 5296 | % |
| 5297 | First Rule of History: |
| 5298 | History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each |
| 5299 | other. |
| 5300 | % |
| 5301 | "First things first -- but not necessarily in that order" |
| 5302 | -- Dr. Who, "Doctor Who" |
| 5303 | % |
| 5304 | Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. |
| 5305 | -- Robert Firth |
| 5306 | % |
| 5307 | Flappity, floppity, flip |
| 5308 | The mouse on the m"\bobius strip; |
| 5309 | The strip revolved, |
| 5310 | The mouse dissolved |
| 5311 | In a chronodimensional skip. |
| 5312 | % |
| 5313 | FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when |
| 5314 | the little hand is on the .... |
| 5315 | % |
| 5316 | Flon's Law: |
| 5317 | There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is |
| 5318 | the least bit difficult to write bad programs. |
| 5319 | % |
| 5320 | Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her |
| 5321 | husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my |
| 5322 | joules!" |
| 5323 | |
| 5324 | "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux |
| 5325 | a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." |
| 5326 | |
| 5327 | "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them |
| 5328 | in my burette ... We must call a copper." |
| 5329 | |
| 5330 | Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, |
| 5331 | said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name |
| 5332 | of Lawrence Ium. |
| 5333 | |
| 5334 | "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and |
| 5335 | dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can |
| 5336 | catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an |
| 5337 | activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... |
| 5338 | -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" |
| 5339 | % |
| 5340 | flowchart, n. & v.: |
| 5341 | [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart |
| 5342 | "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] |
| 5343 | 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction |
| 5344 | problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation |
| 5345 | using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic |
| 5346 | doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for |
| 5347 | wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A |
| 5348 | thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's |
| 5349 | Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce |
| 5350 | flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate |
| 5351 | (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. |
| 5352 | -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" |
| 5353 | % |
| 5354 | Flugg's Law: |
| 5355 | When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the |
| 5356 | world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. |
| 5357 | % |
| 5358 | Flying saucers on occasion |
| 5359 | Show themselves to human eyes. |
| 5360 | Aliens fume, put off invasion |
| 5361 | While they brand these tales as lies. |
| 5362 | % |
| 5363 | Fog Lamps, n.: |
| 5364 | Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the |
| 5365 | fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the |
| 5366 | driver's brain is in a fog. |
| 5367 | |
| 5368 | See also "Idiot Lights". |
| 5369 | % |
| 5370 | Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. |
| 5371 | -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" |
| 5372 | % |
| 5373 | For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... |
| 5374 | % |
| 5375 | For a good time, call (510) 642-9483 |
| 5376 | % |
| 5377 | For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a |
| 5378 | cat. |
| 5379 | % |
| 5380 | "For an adequate time call 555-3321" |
| 5381 | % |
| 5382 | For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be |
| 5383 | always old-fashioned. |
| 5384 | % |
| 5385 | For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, |
| 5386 | and wrong. |
| 5387 | -- H. L. Mencken |
| 5388 | % |
| 5389 | For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. |
| 5390 | -- R. Clopton |
| 5391 | % |
| 5392 | For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. |
| 5393 | % |
| 5394 | For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire |
| 5395 | life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days |
| 5396 | now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets |
| 5397 | when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch |
| 5398 | in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have |
| 5399 | the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which |
| 5400 | means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are |
| 5401 | advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are |
| 5402 | the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their |
| 5403 | names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot |
| 5404 | ("part of this complete breakfast"). |
| 5405 | -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" |
| 5406 | % |
| 5407 | For perfect happiness, remember two things: |
| 5408 | (1) Be content with what you've got. |
| 5409 | (2) Be sure you've got plenty. |
| 5410 | % |
| 5411 | For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say |
| 5412 | "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. |
| 5413 | -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to |
| 5414 | the U.S. |
| 5415 | % |
| 5416 | For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. |
| 5417 | % |
| 5418 | "For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of |
| 5419 | a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with |
| 5420 | computers altogether?" |
| 5421 | -- Jehan Shuman |
| 5422 | % |
| 5423 | For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they |
| 5424 | like. |
| 5425 | -- Abraham Lincoln |
| 5426 | % |
| 5427 | "For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but |
| 5428 | phone calls taper off." |
| 5429 | -- Johnny Carson |
| 5430 | % |
| 5431 | For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model |
| 5432 | a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do. |
| 5433 | Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start |
| 5434 | religions. |
| 5435 | |
| 5436 | -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com> |
| 5437 | % |
| 5438 | For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- |
| 5439 | I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. |
| 5440 | But now I think a thought that brings me hope: |
| 5441 | Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. |
| 5442 | -- Justin Richardson. |
| 5443 | % |
| 5444 | For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! |
| 5445 | % |
| 5446 | Forgetfulness, n.: |
| 5447 | A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their |
| 5448 | destitution of conscience. |
| 5449 | % |
| 5450 | Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. |
| 5451 | % |
| 5452 | fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. |
| 5453 | % |
| 5454 | FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 |
| 5455 | |
| 5456 | RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. |
| 5457 | One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and |
| 5458 | arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating |
| 5459 | hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. |
| 5460 | % |
| 5461 | Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri |
| 5462 | sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. |
| 5463 | |
| 5464 | Oh, and have a nice day! |
| 5465 | -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 |
| 5466 | % |
| 5467 | fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: |
| 5468 | |
| 5469 | I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. |
| 5470 | "Hey you, get off my plate" |
| 5471 | -- Roger Midnight |
| 5472 | % |
| 5473 | Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: |
| 5474 | "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" |
| 5475 | % |
| 5476 | Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): |
| 5477 | |
| 5478 | Don't Write On Walls! |
| 5479 | |
| 5480 | (and underneath) |
| 5481 | |
| 5482 | You want I should type? |
| 5483 | % |
| 5484 | Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): |
| 5485 | No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this |
| 5486 | State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed |
| 5487 | with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females |
| 5488 | weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it |
| 5489 | apply to female horses. |
| 5490 | % |
| 5491 | Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful |
| 5492 | Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an |
| 5493 | impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and |
| 5494 | clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following |
| 5495 | exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. |
| 5496 | |
| 5497 | DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are |
| 5498 | having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. |
| 5499 | HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? |
| 5500 | DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter |
| 5501 | is that female oysters through their living habits cast out |
| 5502 | large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large |
| 5503 | amounts of fertilization ... |
| 5504 | HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many |
| 5505 | teenagers who read The Congressional Record. |
| 5506 | % |
| 5507 | Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: |
| 5508 | |
| 5509 | Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. |
| 5510 | % |
| 5511 | FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 |
| 5512 | |
| 5513 | Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good |
| 5514 | liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and |
| 5515 | light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything |
| 5516 | drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. |
| 5517 | % |
| 5518 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: |
| 5519 | |
| 5520 | Q: Are you married? |
| 5521 | A: No, I'm divorced. |
| 5522 | Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? |
| 5523 | A: A lot of things I didn't know about. |
| 5524 | % |
| 5525 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: |
| 5526 | |
| 5527 | Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? |
| 5528 | A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. |
| 5529 | % |
| 5530 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: |
| 5531 | |
| 5532 | THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present |
| 5533 | information and prejudice from your minds, if you have |
| 5534 | any ... |
| 5535 | % |
| 5536 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: |
| 5537 | |
| 5538 | Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? |
| 5539 | A: I will be three months November 8th. |
| 5540 | Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? |
| 5541 | A: Yes. |
| 5542 | Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? |
| 5543 | % |
| 5544 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: |
| 5545 | |
| 5546 | Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? |
| 5547 | A: No. |
| 5548 | Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? |
| 5549 | A: Picking them up in the air. |
| 5550 | Q: Where was the dog at this time? |
| 5551 | A: Attached to the ears. |
| 5552 | % |
| 5553 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: |
| 5554 | |
| 5555 | Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were |
| 5556 | able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to |
| 5557 | go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with |
| 5558 | him to the station? |
| 5559 | MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. |
| 5560 | % |
| 5561 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: |
| 5562 | |
| 5563 | Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? |
| 5564 | A: By death. |
| 5565 | Q: And by whose death was it terminated? |
| 5566 | % |
| 5567 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: |
| 5568 | |
| 5569 | Q: What is your name? |
| 5570 | A: Ernestine McDowell. |
| 5571 | Q: And what is your marital status? |
| 5572 | A: Fair. |
| 5573 | % |
| 5574 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: |
| 5575 | |
| 5576 | Q: What happened then? |
| 5577 | A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify |
| 5578 | me." |
| 5579 | Q: Did he kill you? |
| 5580 | A: No. |
| 5581 | % |
| 5582 | Fourth Law of Applied Terror: |
| 5583 | The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology |
| 5584 | instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. |
| 5585 | |
| 5586 | Corollary: |
| 5587 | Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do |
| 5588 | except study for that instructor's course. |
| 5589 | % |
| 5590 | Fourth Law of Revision: |
| 5591 | It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about |
| 5592 | interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. |
| 5593 | % |
| 5594 | Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not |
| 5595 | almost one, it is damn near zero. |
| 5596 | -- David Ellis |
| 5597 | % |
| 5598 | Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a |
| 5599 | policeman's tie. |
| 5600 | % |
| 5601 | FreeBSD: everything but the fairings |
| 5602 | % |
| 5603 | FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today? |
| 5604 | % |
| 5605 | FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are? |
| 5606 | % |
| 5607 | Fresco's Discovery: |
| 5608 | If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. |
| 5609 | % |
| 5610 | Friends, Romans, Hipsters, |
| 5611 | Let me clue you in; |
| 5612 | I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. |
| 5613 | The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; |
| 5614 | The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus |
| 5615 | Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; |
| 5616 | If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, |
| 5617 | And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. |
| 5618 | Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; |
| 5619 | So are they all, all cool cats, -- |
| 5620 | Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. |
| 5621 | % |
| 5622 | Frisbeetarianism, n.: |
| 5623 | The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and |
| 5624 | gets stuck. |
| 5625 | % |
| 5626 | Frobnicate, v.: |
| 5627 | To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. |
| 5628 | Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a |
| 5629 | frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK |
| 5630 | sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless |
| 5631 | manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse |
| 5632 | search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is |
| 5633 | turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it |
| 5634 | he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the |
| 5635 | screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because |
| 5636 | turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. |
| 5637 | % |
| 5638 | Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: |
| 5639 | An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to |
| 5640 | electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to |
| 5641 | FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and |
| 5642 | FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. |
| 5643 | FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure |
| 5644 | via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be |
| 5645 | applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. |
| 5646 | % |
| 5647 | From a Tru64 patch description: |
| 5648 | |
| 5649 | Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error |
| 5650 | % |
| 5651 | [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology |
| 5652 | Association, in Rome]: |
| 5653 | |
| 5654 | The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria |
| 5655 | and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not |
| 5656 | spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, |
| 5657 | or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in |
| 5658 | millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have |
| 5659 | reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology |
| 5660 | engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, |
| 5661 | president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social |
| 5662 | schizophrenia in mass genocide. |
| 5663 | % |
| 5664 | From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: |
| 5665 | |
| 5666 | Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and |
| 5667 | the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the |
| 5668 | Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his |
| 5669 | candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground |
| 5670 | nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, |
| 5671 | other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not |
| 5672 | qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their |
| 5673 | being nuts (unground)." |
| 5674 | % |
| 5675 | From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was |
| 5676 | convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. |
| 5677 | -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" |
| 5678 | % |
| 5679 | [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made |
| 5680 | in Japan]: |
| 5681 | |
| 5682 | The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT |
| 5683 | MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is |
| 5684 | featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality |
| 5685 | against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", |
| 5686 | "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 |
| 5687 | Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile |
| 5688 | operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. |
| 5689 | |
| 5690 | And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help |
| 5691 | achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by |
| 5692 | HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. |
| 5693 | % |
| 5694 | From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the |
| 5695 | instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new |
| 5696 | experience in sound: |
| 5697 | |
| 5698 | 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading |
| 5699 | sound is normal for this type of connector. |
| 5700 | % |
| 5701 | From too much love of living, |
| 5702 | From hope and fear set free, |
| 5703 | We thank with brief thanksgiving, |
| 5704 | Whatever gods may be, |
| 5705 | That no life lives forever, |
| 5706 | That dead men rise up never, |
| 5707 | That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. |
| 5708 | -- Swinburne |
| 5709 | % |
| 5710 | Fuch's Warning: |
| 5711 | If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well |
| 5712 | enough to travel. |
| 5713 | % |
| 5714 | Fudd's First Law of Opposition: |
| 5715 | Push something hard enough and it will fall over. |
| 5716 | % |
| 5717 | Furbling, v.: |
| 5718 | Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank |
| 5719 | even when you are the only person in line. |
| 5720 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 5721 | % |
| 5722 | Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. |
| 5723 | -- H. H. Williams |
| 5724 | % |
| 5725 | Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. |
| 5726 | % |
| 5727 | G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One |
| 5728 | of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his |
| 5729 | secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says |
| 5730 | `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And |
| 5731 | that's your chance, my boy." |
| 5732 | % |
| 5733 | Garbage In -- Gospel Out. |
| 5734 | % |
| 5735 | Garter, n.: |
| 5736 | An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her |
| 5737 | stockings and desolating the country. |
| 5738 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 5739 | % |
| 5740 | Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall |
| 5741 | on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! |
| 5742 | -- Adventures of Asterix. |
| 5743 | % |
| 5744 | Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". |
| 5745 | |
| 5746 | Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound |
| 5747 | than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: |
| 5748 | "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." |
| 5749 | Obvious, isn't it? |
| 5750 | Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start |
| 5751 | speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as |
| 5752 | long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all |
| 5753 | your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and |
| 5754 | so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed |
| 5755 | individuals and then grow ... |
| 5756 | Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those |
| 5757 | signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when |
| 5758 | everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on |
| 5759 | the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs |
| 5760 | backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I |
| 5761 | think not, my friend, I think not. |
| 5762 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
| 5763 | % |
| 5764 | "Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore." |
| 5765 | % |
| 5766 | GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) |
| 5767 | You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you |
| 5768 | because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much |
| 5769 | for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for |
| 5770 | committing incest. |
| 5771 | % |
| 5772 | GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) |
| 5773 | Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while |
| 5774 | you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise |
| 5775 | and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short |
| 5776 | trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. |
| 5777 | % |
| 5778 | Genderplex, n.: |
| 5779 | The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to |
| 5780 | determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and |
| 5781 | tortoises). |
| 5782 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 5783 | % |
| 5784 | Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why |
| 5785 | you should. |
| 5786 | % |
| 5787 | Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus |
| 5788 | handicapped. |
| 5789 | -- Elbert Hubbard |
| 5790 | % |
| 5791 | Genius, n.: |
| 5792 | A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with |
| 5793 | "bright". |
| 5794 | % |
| 5795 | George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. |
| 5796 | -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 |
| 5797 | % |
| 5798 | George Orwell was an optimist. |
| 5799 | % |
| 5800 | George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to |
| 5801 | have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. |
| 5802 | -- Ashley Cooper |
| 5803 | % |
| 5804 | Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: |
| 5805 | (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong |
| 5806 | direction. |
| 5807 | (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. |
| 5808 | (3) The energy required to change either one of these states |
| 5809 | will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so |
| 5810 | much as to make the task totally impossible. |
| 5811 | % |
| 5812 | Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. |
| 5813 | % |
| 5814 | Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! |
| 5815 | % |
| 5816 | Ginsberg's Theorem: |
| 5817 | (1) You can't win. |
| 5818 | (2) You can't break even. |
| 5819 | (3) You can't even quit the game. |
| 5820 | |
| 5821 | Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: |
| 5822 | Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem |
| 5823 | meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's |
| 5824 | Theorem. To wit: |
| 5825 | |
| 5826 | (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. |
| 5827 | (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break |
| 5828 | even. |
| 5829 | (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the |
| 5830 | game. |
| 5831 | % |
| 5832 | Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place |
| 5833 | to stand, and I will drain the world. |
| 5834 | % |
| 5835 | "Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war." |
| 5836 | -- Napolean |
| 5837 | % |
| 5838 | Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! |
| 5839 | % |
| 5840 | Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to |
| 5841 | a new town. |
| 5842 | % |
| 5843 | Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. |
| 5844 | % |
| 5845 | "Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying |
| 5846 | around, I'd rather lie around. No contest." |
| 5847 | -- Eric Clapton |
| 5848 | % |
| 5849 | Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: |
| 5850 | Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP |
| 5851 | machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. |
| 5852 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 |
| 5853 | % |
| 5854 | Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: |
| 5855 | Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the |
| 5856 | probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some |
| 5857 | useful work done. |
| 5858 | % |
| 5859 | Gnagloot, n.: |
| 5860 | A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to |
| 5861 | impress people. |
| 5862 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 5863 | % |
| 5864 | Go climb a gravity well! |
| 5865 | % |
| 5866 | Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may |
| 5867 | be in owning a piece thereof. |
| 5868 | -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" |
| 5869 | % |
| 5870 | Go 'way! You're bothering me! |
| 5871 | % |
| 5872 | God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six |
| 5873 | days and then pulled an all-nighter. |
| 5874 | % |
| 5875 | God doesn't play dice. |
| 5876 | -- Albert Einstein |
| 5877 | % |
| 5878 | "God gives burdens; also shoulders" |
| 5879 | |
| 5880 | Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the |
| 5881 | end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I |
| 5882 | can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why |
| 5883 | would he lie about a thing like that? |
| 5884 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
| 5885 | % |
| 5886 | God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... |
| 5887 | The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do |
| 5888 | not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman |
| 5889 | ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on |
| 5890 | smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and |
| 5891 | water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in |
| 5892 | the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at |
| 5893 | night! |
| 5894 | -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher |
| 5895 | % |
| 5896 | God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. |
| 5897 | % |
| 5898 | God is a polytheist. |
| 5899 | % |
| 5900 | God is Dead |
| 5901 | -- Nietzsche |
| 5902 | Nietzsche is Dead |
| 5903 | -- God |
| 5904 | Nietzsche is God |
| 5905 | -- The Dead |
| 5906 | % |
| 5907 | God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's |
| 5908 | % |
| 5909 | God is real, unless declared integer. |
| 5910 | % |
| 5911 | God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the |
| 5912 | elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying |
| 5913 | other things. |
| 5914 | -- Pablo Picasso |
| 5915 | % |
| 5916 | God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. |
| 5917 | -- Alfred Jarry |
| 5918 | % |
| 5919 | God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. |
| 5920 | % |
| 5921 | God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. |
| 5922 | % |
| 5923 | God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board |
| 5924 | -- Mark Twain |
| 5925 | % |
| 5926 | God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. |
| 5927 | -- Kronecker |
| 5928 | % |
| 5929 | God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. |
| 5930 | % |
| 5931 | God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. |
| 5932 | -- Albert Einstein |
| 5933 | % |
| 5934 | God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. |
| 5935 | % |
| 5936 | God rest ye CS students now, |
| 5937 | Let nothing you dismay. |
| 5938 | The VAX is down and won't be up, |
| 5939 | Until the first of May. |
| 5940 | The program that was due this morn, |
| 5941 | Won't be postponed, they say. |
| 5942 | |
| 5943 | Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, |
| 5944 | Comfort and joy, |
| 5945 | Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. |
| 5946 | |
| 5947 | The bearings on the drum are gone, |
| 5948 | The disk is wobbling, too. |
| 5949 | We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol |
| 5950 | Can't tell false from true. |
| 5951 | And now we find that we can't get |
| 5952 | At Berkeley's 4.2. |
| 5953 | |
| 5954 | (chorus) |
| 5955 | % |
| 5956 | Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to |
| 5957 | school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a |
| 5958 | person a car. |
| 5959 | % |
| 5960 | Gold, n.: |
| 5961 | A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It |
| 5962 | is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who |
| 5963 | immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold |
| 5964 | hasn't done anything to them. |
| 5965 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 5966 | % |
| 5967 | Goldenstern's Rules: |
| 5968 | (1) Always hire a rich attorney |
| 5969 | (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. |
| 5970 | % |
| 5971 | Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad |
| 5972 | example. |
| 5973 | -- La Rouchefoucauld |
| 5974 | % |
| 5975 | Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. |
| 5976 | % |
| 5977 | Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. |
| 5978 | % |
| 5979 | Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. |
| 5980 | % |
| 5981 | Good day to let down old friends who need help. |
| 5982 | % |
| 5983 | Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. |
| 5984 | % |
| 5985 | Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. |
| 5986 | % |
| 5987 | Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. |
| 5988 | % |
| 5989 | Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's |
| 5990 | new lover. |
| 5991 | % |
| 5992 | "Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored." |
| 5993 | -- George Saunders' dying words |
| 5994 | % |
| 5995 | Gordon's first law: |
| 5996 | If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing |
| 5997 | well. |
| 5998 | % |
| 5999 | Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with |
| 6000 | time travel, you never can tell." |
| 6001 | -- Dr. Who, "Androids of Tara" |
| 6002 | % |
| 6003 | //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH |
| 6004 | % |
| 6005 | Got Mole problems? |
| 6006 | Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23 |
| 6007 | % |
| 6008 | Goto, n.: |
| 6009 | A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers |
| 6010 | to complain about unstructured programmers. |
| 6011 | -- Ray Simard |
| 6012 | % |
| 6013 | Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. |
| 6014 | -- John Updike, "Couples" |
| 6015 | % |
| 6016 | Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are |
| 6017 | different lies. |
| 6018 | % |
| 6019 | Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know |
| 6020 | any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he |
| 6021 | doesn't know much. |
| 6022 | -- Will Rogers |
| 6023 | % |
| 6024 | Grabel's Law: |
| 6025 | 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. |
| 6026 | % |
| 6027 | Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. |
| 6028 | % |
| 6029 | Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture. |
| 6030 | % |
| 6031 | Grandpa Charnock's Law: |
| 6032 | You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. |
| 6033 | % |
| 6034 | Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. |
| 6035 | % |
| 6036 | Gray's Law of Programming: |
| 6037 | `_\bn+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same |
| 6038 | time as `_\bn' tasks. |
| 6039 | |
| 6040 | Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: |
| 6041 | `_\bn+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_\bn' trivial tasks. |
| 6042 | % |
| 6043 | Great minds run in great circles. |
| 6044 | % |
| 6045 | Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic |
| 6046 | tickets. |
| 6047 | % |
| 6048 | Greener's Law: |
| 6049 | Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. |
| 6050 | % |
| 6051 | Grelb's Reminder: |
| 6052 | Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above |
| 6053 | average drivers. |
| 6054 | % |
| 6055 | "Grub first, then ethics." |
| 6056 | -- Bertolt Brecht |
| 6057 | % |
| 6058 | Gurmlish, n.: |
| 6059 | The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which |
| 6060 | prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his |
| 6061 | mouth. |
| 6062 | -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" |
| 6063 | % |
| 6064 | Gyroscope, n.: |
| 6065 | A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also |
| 6066 | free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each |
| 6067 | other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two |
| 6068 | mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the |
| 6069 | other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus |
| 6070 | offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any |
| 6071 | torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. |
| 6072 | -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary |
| 6073 | % |
| 6074 | H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, |
| 6075 | Slice him up before he slays you. |
| 6076 | Nothing makes you look a slob |
| 6077 | Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). |
| 6078 | -- The Roguelet's ABC |
| 6079 | % |
| 6080 | H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. |
| 6081 | Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. |
| 6082 | -- Maxwell Bodenheim |
| 6083 | % |
| 6084 | H. L. Mencken's Law: |
| 6085 | Those who can -- do. |
| 6086 | Those who can't -- teach. |
| 6087 | |
| 6088 | Martin's Extension: |
| 6089 | Those who cannot teach -- administrate. |
| 6090 | % |
| 6091 | Hacker's Law: |
| 6092 | The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a |
| 6093 | nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. |
| 6094 | % |
| 6095 | Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. |
| 6096 | % |
| 6097 | Hail to the sun god |
| 6098 | He sure is a fun god |
| 6099 | Ra! Ra! Ra! |
| 6100 | % |
| 6101 | Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big |
| 6102 | enough majority in any town? |
| 6103 | -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" |
| 6104 | % |
| 6105 | Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) |
| 6106 | % |
| 6107 | Half-done: |
| 6108 | This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still |
| 6109 | crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference |
| 6110 | between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like |
| 6111 | the difference between life and death. |
| 6112 | You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill |
| 6113 | there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the |
| 6114 | airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough |
| 6115 | Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on |
| 6116 | Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk |
| 6117 | about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the |
| 6118 | man, "Let me have a nice half-done." |
| 6119 | Worth the trouble, wasn't it? |
| 6120 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
| 6121 | % |
| 6122 | Hall's Laws of Politics: |
| 6123 | (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. |
| 6124 | (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something |
| 6125 | fixed. |
| 6126 | (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend |
| 6127 | military spending, and conservatives social spending in |
| 6128 | their own districts). |
| 6129 | % |
| 6130 | Hand, n.: |
| 6131 | A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and |
| 6132 | commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. |
| 6133 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 6134 | % |
| 6135 | Hanlon's Razor: |
| 6136 | Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by |
| 6137 | stupidity. |
| 6138 | % |
| 6139 | Hanson's Treatment of Time: |
| 6140 | There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days |
| 6141 | before Saturday. |
| 6142 | % |
| 6143 | Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. |
| 6144 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 6145 | % |
| 6146 | Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. |
| 6147 | -- Oscar Levant |
| 6148 | % |
| 6149 | Happiness, n.: |
| 6150 | An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of |
| 6151 | another. |
| 6152 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 6153 | % |
| 6154 | Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? |
| 6155 | % |
| 6156 | Hardware, n.: |
| 6157 | The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. |
| 6158 | % |
| 6159 | Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark |
| 6160 | The Duke is fond of kittens |
| 6161 | He likes to take their insides out |
| 6162 | And use them for his mittens |
| 6163 | From "The Thirteen Clocks" |
| 6164 | % |
| 6165 | Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, |
| 6166 | Advertising wondrous things. |
| 6167 | -- Tom Lehrer |
| 6168 | % |
| 6169 | Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand |
| 6170 | convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. |
| 6171 | -- Tobias Smollet |
| 6172 | % |
| 6173 | Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: |
| 6174 | Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment |
| 6175 | ruined. |
| 6176 | % |
| 6177 | Harris's Lament: |
| 6178 | All the good ones are taken. |
| 6179 | % |
| 6180 | Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he |
| 6181 | makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean |
| 6182 | famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses |
| 6183 | probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you |
| 6184 | have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like |
| 6185 | enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their |
| 6186 | attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock |
| 6187 | down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, |
| 6188 | just like Richard Nixon." |
| 6189 | -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" |
| 6190 | % |
| 6191 | Hartley's First Law: |
| 6192 | You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float |
| 6193 | on his back, you've got something. |
| 6194 | % |
| 6195 | Hartley's Second Law: |
| 6196 | Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. |
| 6197 | % |
| 6198 | Harvard Law: |
| 6199 | Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, |
| 6200 | temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will |
| 6201 | do as it damn well pleases. |
| 6202 | % |
| 6203 | "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" |
| 6204 | "Yes, I don't have one." |
| 6205 | "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." |
| 6206 | -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 |
| 6207 | % |
| 6208 | Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are |
| 6209 | typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter |
| 6210 | keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use |
| 6211 | of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is |
| 6212 | not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. |
| 6213 | % |
| 6214 | Hatred, n.: |
| 6215 | A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's |
| 6216 | superiority. |
| 6217 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 6218 | % |
| 6219 | Have an adequate day. |
| 6220 | % |
| 6221 | Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is |
| 6222 | to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a |
| 6223 | non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? |
| 6224 | |
| 6225 | Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This |
| 6226 | still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or |
| 6227 | only serves to blunt the warning signs. |
| 6228 | |
| 6229 | Long live the revolution! |
| 6230 | Have a nice day. |
| 6231 | % |
| 6232 | Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell |
| 6233 | you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time |
| 6234 | for play? |
| 6235 | % |
| 6236 | Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, |
| 6237 | I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container |
| 6238 | filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite |
| 6239 | sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in |
| 6240 | their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or |
| 6241 | mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why |
| 6242 | they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. |
| 6243 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" |
| 6244 | % |
| 6245 | "Have you lived here all your life?" |
| 6246 | "Oh, twice that long." |
| 6247 | % |
| 6248 | Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a |
| 6249 | crack in your sidewalk? |
| 6250 | % |
| 6251 | Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline |
| 6252 | sharply the minute they start waving guns around? |
| 6253 | -- Dr. Who |
| 6254 | % |
| 6255 | Have you reconsidered a computer career? |
| 6256 | % |
| 6257 | HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. |
| 6258 | SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___\b\b\bOWN brains. |
| 6259 | -- Walt Kelley |
| 6260 | % |
| 6261 | "He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental |
| 6262 | effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable |
| 6263 | perversion." |
| 6264 | -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" |
| 6265 | % |
| 6266 | "He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions" |
| 6267 | % |
| 6268 | He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation |
| 6269 | perfectly delightful. |
| 6270 | -- Sydney Smith |
| 6271 | % |
| 6272 | He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and |
| 6273 | heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope |
| 6274 | of ever behaving "normally." |
| 6275 | -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" |
| 6276 | % |
| 6277 | He hadn't a single redeeming vice. |
| 6278 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 6279 | % |
| 6280 | "He is now rising from affluence to poverty." |
| 6281 | -- Mark Twain |
| 6282 | % |
| 6283 | He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. |
| 6284 | % |
| 6285 | He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. |
| 6286 | -- John Mason Brown, drama critic |
| 6287 | % |
| 6288 | He thought he saw an albatross |
| 6289 | That fluttered 'round the lamp. |
| 6290 | He looked again and saw it was |
| 6291 | A penny postage stamp. |
| 6292 | "You'd best be getting home," he said, |
| 6293 | "The nights are rather damp." |
| 6294 | % |
| 6295 | He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. |
| 6296 | -- Jonathon Swift |
| 6297 | % |
| 6298 | "He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him |
| 6299 | insufferable." |
| 6300 | % |
| 6301 | "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both |
| 6302 | eyes ..." |
| 6303 | % |
| 6304 | He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry |
| 6305 | attacks democracy itself. |
| 6306 | -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS |
| 6307 | % |
| 6308 | He who Laughs, Lasts. |
| 6309 | % |
| 6310 | Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. |
| 6311 | % |
| 6312 | Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying |
| 6313 | of nothing. |
| 6314 | -- Redd Foxx |
| 6315 | % |
| 6316 | Heaven, n.: |
| 6317 | A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of |
| 6318 | their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you |
| 6319 | expound your own. |
| 6320 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 6321 | % |
| 6322 | Heavy, adj.: |
| 6323 | Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. |
| 6324 | % |
| 6325 | "Heisenberg may have slept here" |
| 6326 | % |
| 6327 | Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. |
| 6328 | -- Milton Friedman |
| 6329 | % |
| 6330 | Heller's Law: |
| 6331 | The first myth of management is that it exists. |
| 6332 | |
| 6333 | Johnson's Corollary: |
| 6334 | Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the |
| 6335 | organization. |
| 6336 | % |
| 6337 | "Hello," he lied. |
| 6338 | -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent |
| 6339 | % |
| 6340 | Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! |
| 6341 | % |
| 6342 | HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! |
| 6343 | -- E. E. CUMMINGS |
| 6344 | % |
| 6345 | Help a swallow land at Capistrano. |
| 6346 | % |
| 6347 | Help fight continental drift. |
| 6348 | % |
| 6349 | Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! |
| 6350 | % |
| 6351 | Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. |
| 6352 | % |
| 6353 | Her locks an ancient lady gave |
| 6354 | Her loving husband's life to save; |
| 6355 | And men -- they honored so the dame -- |
| 6356 | Upon some stars bestowed her name. |
| 6357 | |
| 6358 | But to our modern married fair, |
| 6359 | Who'd give their lords to save their hair, |
| 6360 | No stellar recognition's given. |
| 6361 | There are not stars enough in heaven. |
| 6362 | % |
| 6363 | "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from |
| 6364 | Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." |
| 6365 | % |
| 6366 | Here I sit, broken-hearted, |
| 6367 | All logged in, but work unstarted. |
| 6368 | First net.this and net.that, |
| 6369 | And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. |
| 6370 | |
| 6371 | The boss comes by, and I play the game, |
| 6372 | Then I turn back to net.flame. |
| 6373 | Is there a cure (I need your views), |
| 6374 | For someone trapped in net.news? |
| 6375 | |
| 6376 | I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, |
| 6377 | 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. |
| 6378 | % |
| 6379 | Here in my heart, I am Helen; |
| 6380 | I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. |
| 6381 | I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"\bel; |
| 6382 | I'm Salome, moon of the East. |
| 6383 | |
| 6384 | Here in my soul I am Sappho; |
| 6385 | Lady Hamilton am I, as well. |
| 6386 | In me R'\becamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, |
| 6387 | With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. |
| 6388 | |
| 6389 | I'm all of the glamorous ladies |
| 6390 | At whose beckoning history shook. |
| 6391 | But you are a man, and see only my pan, |
| 6392 | So I stay at home with a book. |
| 6393 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 6394 | % |
| 6395 | Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical |
| 6396 | lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach |
| 6397 | your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. |
| 6398 | Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in |
| 6399 | pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, |
| 6400 | but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an |
| 6401 | important electrical lesson. |
| 6402 | |
| 6403 | It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed |
| 6404 | your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small |
| 6405 | objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will |
| 6406 | attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and |
| 6407 | collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your |
| 6408 | friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the |
| 6409 | carpet, thus completing the circuit. |
| 6410 | |
| 6411 | Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without |
| 6412 | touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your |
| 6413 | finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you |
| 6414 | have carpeting. |
| 6415 | -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" |
| 6416 | % |
| 6417 | "Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like |
| 6418 | `Psychic Wins Lottery'?" |
| 6419 | -- Jay Leno |
| 6420 | % |
| 6421 | "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." |
| 6422 | % |
| 6423 | He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be |
| 6424 | there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. |
| 6425 | % |
| 6426 | "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." |
| 6427 | % |
| 6428 | Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, |
| 6429 | then they'd be algorithms. |
| 6430 | % |
| 6431 | "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" |
| 6432 | -- W. C. Fields |
| 6433 | % |
| 6434 | "Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. |
| 6435 | As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of |
| 6436 | equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. |
| 6437 | Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you |
| 6438 | probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of |
| 6439 | course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my |
| 6440 | experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out |
| 6441 | of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. |
| 6442 | |
| 6443 | "Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our |
| 6444 | motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" |
| 6445 | -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" |
| 6446 | % |
| 6447 | Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person |
| 6448 | reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, |
| 6449 | nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. |
| 6450 | % |
| 6451 | Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; |
| 6452 | Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. |
| 6453 | Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws |
| 6454 | Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; |
| 6455 | We buried him today because |
| 6456 | As far as we can tell, he's dead. |
| 6457 | -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty |
| 6458 | Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; |
| 6459 | "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter |
| 6460 | Schickele |
| 6461 | % |
| 6462 | Higgeldy Piggeldy, |
| 6463 | Hamlet of Elsinore |
| 6464 | Ruffled the critics by |
| 6465 | Dropping this bomb: |
| 6466 | "Phooey on Freud and his |
| 6467 | Psychoanalysis -- |
| 6468 | Oedipus, Shmoedipus, |
| 6469 | I just love Mom." |
| 6470 | % |
| 6471 | Hindsight is an exact science. |
| 6472 | % |
| 6473 | Hippogriff, n.: |
| 6474 | An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. |
| 6475 | The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. |
| 6476 | The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which |
| 6477 | is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full |
| 6478 | of surprises. |
| 6479 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 6480 | % |
| 6481 | Hire the morally handicapped. |
| 6482 | % |
| 6483 | "His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had |
| 6484 | money, he went to Southern California." |
| 6485 | % |
| 6486 | "His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice" |
| 6487 | -- Foghorn Leghorn |
| 6488 | % |
| 6489 | "His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier." |
| 6490 | % |
| 6491 | History is curious stuff |
| 6492 | You'd think by now we had enough |
| 6493 | Yet the fact remains I fear |
| 6494 | They make more of it every year. |
| 6495 | % |
| 6496 | History, n.: |
| 6497 | Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we |
| 6498 | learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from |
| 6499 | what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long |
| 6500 | view. |
| 6501 | -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" |
| 6502 | % |
| 6503 | History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. |
| 6504 | % |
| 6505 | Hlade's Law: |
| 6506 | If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they |
| 6507 | will find an easier way to do it. |
| 6508 | % |
| 6509 | Hoare's Law of Large Problems: |
| 6510 | Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get |
| 6511 | out. |
| 6512 | % |
| 6513 | Hofstadter's Law: |
| 6514 | It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take |
| 6515 | Hofstadter's Law into account. |
| 6516 | % |
| 6517 | Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. |
| 6518 | -- Rex Reed |
| 6519 | % |
| 6520 | Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: |
| 6521 | The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. |
| 6522 | -- Chris Shaw |
| 6523 | % |
| 6524 | "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense" |
| 6525 | % |
| 6526 | Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. |
| 6527 | -- F. M. Hubbard |
| 6528 | % |
| 6529 | Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." |
| 6530 | % |
| 6531 | Honk if you love peace and quiet. |
| 6532 | % |
| 6533 | Honorable, adj.: |
| 6534 | Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative |
| 6535 | bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the |
| 6536 | honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." |
| 6537 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 6538 | % |
| 6539 | Horngren's Observation: |
| 6540 | Among economists, the real world is often a special case. |
| 6541 | % |
| 6542 | Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on |
| 6543 | people. |
| 6544 | -- W. C. Fields |
| 6545 | % |
| 6546 | Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. |
| 6547 | % |
| 6548 | "Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed." |
| 6549 | -- Neil Armstrong |
| 6550 | % |
| 6551 | How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? |
| 6552 | % |
| 6553 | How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? |
| 6554 | % |
| 6555 | How come wrong numbers are never busy? |
| 6556 | % |
| 6557 | "How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows." |
| 6558 | % |
| 6559 | How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? |
| 6560 | -- Elliot, "E.T." |
| 6561 | % |
| 6562 | How doth the little crocodile |
| 6563 | Improve his shining tail, |
| 6564 | And pour the waters of the Nile |
| 6565 | On every golden scale! |
| 6566 | |
| 6567 | How cheerfully he seems to grin, |
| 6568 | How neatly spreads his claws, |
| 6569 | And welcomes little fishes in, |
| 6570 | With gently smiling jaws! |
| 6571 | -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" |
| 6572 | % |
| 6573 | How doth the VAX's C compiler |
| 6574 | Improve its object code. |
| 6575 | And even as we speak does it |
| 6576 | Increase the system load. |
| 6577 | |
| 6578 | How patiently it seems to run |
| 6579 | And spit out error flags, |
| 6580 | While users, with frustration, all |
| 6581 | Tear their clothes to rags. |
| 6582 | % |
| 6583 | How doth the VAX's C-compiler |
| 6584 | Improve its object code. |
| 6585 | And even as we speak does it |
| 6586 | Increase the system load. |
| 6587 | |
| 6588 | How patiently it seems to run |
| 6589 | And spit out error flags, |
| 6590 | While users, with frustration, all |
| 6591 | Tear all their clothes to rags. |
| 6592 | % |
| 6593 | How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're |
| 6594 | on. |
| 6595 | % |
| 6596 | How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? |
| 6597 | None: "We'll fix it in software." |
| 6598 | |
| 6599 | How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? |
| 6600 | None: "We'll document it in the manual." |
| 6601 | |
| 6602 | How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? |
| 6603 | None: "The user can work it out." |
| 6604 | % |
| 6605 | "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being |
| 6606 | carried by a waiter at a nice party?" |
| 6607 | |
| 6608 | Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors |
| 6609 | d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell |
| 6610 | what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then |
| 6611 | say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it |
| 6612 | back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another |
| 6613 | cheese!" and so on. |
| 6614 | -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" |
| 6615 | % |
| 6616 | How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to |
| 6617 | Dayton? |
| 6618 | -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey |
| 6619 | % |
| 6620 | How to become a sysop: |
| 6621 | I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and |
| 6622 | developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never |
| 6623 | worked a full day in my life since then. |
| 6624 | -- rho/slashdot |
| 6625 | % |
| 6626 | How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. |
| 6627 | % |
| 6628 | HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: |
| 6629 | #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. |
| 6630 | % |
| 6631 | HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: |
| 6632 | #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. |
| 6633 | % |
| 6634 | HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: |
| 6635 | |
| 6636 | #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of |
| 6637 | you. |
| 6638 | % |
| 6639 | Howe's Law: |
| 6640 | Everyone has a scheme that will not work. |
| 6641 | % |
| 6642 | However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional |
| 6643 | manner ... sulking and nausea. |
| 6644 | -- Tom K. Ryan |
| 6645 | % |
| 6646 | HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., |
| 6647 | motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate |
| 6648 | amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. |
| 6649 | The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the |
| 6650 | Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the |
| 6651 | bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on |
| 6652 | the bill. Agreed to. |
| 6653 | -- Albuquerque Journal |
| 6654 | % |
| 6655 | Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. |
| 6656 | % |
| 6657 | Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in |
| 6658 | 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an |
| 6659 | operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral |
| 6660 | catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of |
| 6661 | his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took |
| 6662 | the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the |
| 6663 | Nobel Prize. |
| 6664 | % |
| 6665 | Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. |
| 6666 | % |
| 6667 | "Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." |
| 6668 | -- William Gilbert |
| 6669 | % |
| 6670 | Hurewitz's Memory Principle: |
| 6671 | The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional |
| 6672 | to ..... to ........ uh .............. |
| 6673 | % |
| 6674 | I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a |
| 6675 | professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any |
| 6676 | other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. |
| 6677 | -- Richard M. Nixon |
| 6678 | |
| 6679 | What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? |
| 6680 | -- Richard M. Nixon |
| 6681 | % |
| 6682 | I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my |
| 6683 | computer to be running Win98. |
| 6684 | -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list |
| 6685 | % |
| 6686 | "I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder |
| 6687 | have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. |
| 6688 | This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's |
| 6689 | reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go |
| 6690 | buy some more." |
| 6691 | -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM |
| 6692 | % |
| 6693 | "I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, |
| 6694 | of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell |
| 6695 | you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial |
| 6696 | atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something |
| 6697 | inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering." |
| 6698 | -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan |
| 6699 | % |
| 6700 | I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. |
| 6701 | % |
| 6702 | "I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" |
| 6703 | -- Paul McCracken |
| 6704 | % |
| 6705 | "I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger." |
| 6706 | -- Gloria Steinem |
| 6707 | % |
| 6708 | I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. |
| 6709 | -- Dennis Ritchie |
| 6710 | % |
| 6711 | "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." |
| 6712 | -- English Professor |
| 6713 | % |
| 6714 | "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the |
| 6715 | great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." |
| 6716 | -- Winston Churchill |
| 6717 | % |
| 6718 | "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone |
| 6719 | has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." |
| 6720 | -- English Professor, Ohio University |
| 6721 | % |
| 6722 | I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast |
| 6723 | with an option to buy. |
| 6724 | % |
| 6725 | "I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater." |
| 6726 | % |
| 6727 | "I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of |
| 6728 | the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for |
| 6729 | you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway." |
| 6730 | -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, |
| 6731 | University of Tennessee at Knoxville |
| 6732 | % |
| 6733 | "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an |
| 6734 | argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and |
| 6735 | steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, |
| 6736 | they don't even invite me." |
| 6737 | -- Dave Barry |
| 6738 | % |
| 6739 | "I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." |
| 6740 | -- G. K. Chesterton |
| 6741 | % |
| 6742 | "I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." |
| 6743 | -- Will Rogers |
| 6744 | % |
| 6745 | "I bet the human brain is a kludge." |
| 6746 | -- Marvin Minsky |
| 6747 | % |
| 6748 | I brake for chezlogs! |
| 6749 | % |
| 6750 | I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. |
| 6751 | -- Biff Barf |
| 6752 | % |
| 6753 | I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan |
| 6754 | prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very |
| 6755 | bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after |
| 6756 | relentless day. |
| 6757 | -- Betty MacDonald |
| 6758 | % |
| 6759 | I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. |
| 6760 | % |
| 6761 | "I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and |
| 6762 | 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be |
| 6763 | true." |
| 6764 | -- Harry Truman |
| 6765 | % |
| 6766 | "I can resist anything but temptation." |
| 6767 | % |
| 6768 | "I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." |
| 6769 | -- Lillian Hellman |
| 6770 | % |
| 6771 | I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate |
| 6772 | of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... |
| 6773 | -- F. H. Wales (1936) |
| 6774 | % |
| 6775 | I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. |
| 6776 | |
| 6777 | What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good |
| 6778 | grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause |
| 6779 | of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the |
| 6780 | United States would have lost World War II." |
| 6781 | -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" |
| 6782 | % |
| 6783 | "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." |
| 6784 | -- Joe Walsh |
| 6785 | % |
| 6786 | "I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling." |
| 6787 | -- Florence Henderson |
| 6788 | % |
| 6789 | I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can |
| 6790 | understand it. |
| 6791 | -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. |
| 6792 | % |
| 6793 | I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a |
| 6794 | novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. |
| 6795 | -- Fred Allen |
| 6796 | % |
| 6797 | I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather |
| 6798 | dance with the cows till you come home. |
| 6799 | -- Groucho Marx |
| 6800 | % |
| 6801 | "I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps |
| 6802 | the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..." |
| 6803 | -- Peter Oakley |
| 6804 | % |
| 6805 | "I didn't know it was impossible when I did it." |
| 6806 | % |
| 6807 | I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The |
| 6808 | curtain was up. |
| 6809 | % |
| 6810 | I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an |
| 6811 | exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to |
| 6812 | minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary |
| 6813 | accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a |
| 6814 | mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the |
| 6815 | bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always |
| 6816 | different. |
| 6817 | -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) |
| 6818 | % |
| 6819 | "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." |
| 6820 | -- Isaac Asimov |
| 6821 | % |
| 6822 | "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us |
| 6823 | with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use." |
| 6824 | -- Galileo Galilei |
| 6825 | % |
| 6826 | "I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should." |
| 6827 | -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe |
| 6828 | % |
| 6829 | "I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians |
| 6830 | don't believe in astrology." |
| 6831 | -- James R. F. Quirk |
| 6832 | % |
| 6833 | I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just |
| 6834 | a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more |
| 6835 | numbers!! |
| 6836 | % |
| 6837 | I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of |
| 6838 | a frog jumping on my Breakfast. |
| 6839 | -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 |
| 6840 | % |
| 6841 | "I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the |
| 6842 | nominating" |
| 6843 | -- Boss Tweed |
| 6844 | % |
| 6845 | "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." |
| 6846 | -- Ashleigh Brilliant |
| 6847 | % |
| 6848 | "I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of |
| 6849 | people waiting to abuse me." |
| 6850 | -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" |
| 6851 | % |
| 6852 | I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. |
| 6853 | -- Elvis Presley |
| 6854 | % |
| 6855 | "I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd |
| 6856 | eat it, and I just hate it." |
| 6857 | -- Clarence Darrow |
| 6858 | % |
| 6859 | "I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path." |
| 6860 | -- Ronald Mabbitt |
| 6861 | % |
| 6862 | I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the |
| 6863 | streets and frighten the horses. |
| 6864 | -- Victor Hugo |
| 6865 | % |
| 6866 | "I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?" |
| 6867 | % |
| 6868 | "I don't think so," said Ren'\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished. |
| 6869 | % |
| 6870 | "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other |
| 6871 | hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." |
| 6872 | % |
| 6873 | I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that |
| 6874 | the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is |
| 6875 | thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists |
| 6876 | broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. |
| 6877 | Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off |
| 6878 | their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... |
| 6879 | -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE |
| 6880 | COMING!" |
| 6881 | % |
| 6882 | I doubt, therefore I might be. |
| 6883 | % |
| 6884 | "I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business |
| 6885 | on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment |
| 6886 | he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual |
| 6887 | becoming, with a goal in front and not behind." |
| 6888 | -- George Bernard Shaw |
| 6889 | % |
| 6890 | "I drink to make other people interesting." |
| 6891 | -- George Jean Nathan |
| 6892 | % |
| 6893 | I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, |
| 6894 | so I woke up from sheer boredom. |
| 6895 | % |
| 6896 | I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the |
| 6897 | accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For |
| 6898 | the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that |
| 6899 | can't be measured in monetary terms. |
| 6900 | |
| 6901 | Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have |
| 6902 | that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by |
| 6903 | subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should |
| 6904 | someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly |
| 6905 | understand his long delay. |
| 6906 | % |
| 6907 | "I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words." |
| 6908 | % |
| 6909 | "I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very |
| 6910 | reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." |
| 6911 | -- Gotama Buddha |
| 6912 | % |
| 6913 | I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bhorrifying* 20 |
| 6914 | minutes of my life! |
| 6915 | % |
| 6916 | 'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." |
| 6917 | -- Mae West |
| 6918 | % |
| 6919 | I get up each morning, gather my wits. |
| 6920 | Pick up the paper, read the obits. |
| 6921 | If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. |
| 6922 | So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. |
| 6923 | % |
| 6924 | I get up each morning, gather my wits. |
| 6925 | Pick up the paper, read the obits. |
| 6926 | If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. |
| 6927 | So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. |
| 6928 | |
| 6929 | Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? |
| 6930 | My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. |
| 6931 | But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, |
| 6932 | And think of the places my get-up has been. |
| 6933 | -- Pete Seeger |
| 6934 | % |
| 6935 | "I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler |
| 6936 | Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!" |
| 6937 | -- Mary Lou Bax |
| 6938 | % |
| 6939 | "I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense." |
| 6940 | % |
| 6941 | "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means |
| 6942 | it's going to be up all night." |
| 6943 | -- Steven Wright |
| 6944 | % |
| 6945 | "I hate quotations." |
| 6946 | -- Ralph Waldo Emerson |
| 6947 | % |
| 6948 | I have a simple philosophy: |
| 6949 | |
| 6950 | Fill what's empty. |
| 6951 | Empty what's full. |
| 6952 | Scratch where it itches. |
| 6953 | -- A. R. Longworth |
| 6954 | % |
| 6955 | "I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it |
| 6956 | any time!" |
| 6957 | % |
| 6958 | "I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, |
| 6959 | which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'." |
| 6960 | -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" |
| 6961 | % |
| 6962 | I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth |
| 6963 | and they never believe me. |
| 6964 | -- Camillo Di Cavour |
| 6965 | % |
| 6966 | I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. |
| 6967 | -- Edgar Allan Poe |
| 6968 | % |
| 6969 | "I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You |
| 6970 | sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an |
| 6971 | eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I |
| 6972 | have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of |
| 6973 | beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a |
| 6974 | guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more |
| 6975 | of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry." |
| 6976 | -- President Harry S Truman |
| 6977 | % |
| 6978 | I have learned |
| 6979 | To spell hors d'oeuvres |
| 6980 | Which still grates on |
| 6981 | Some people's n'oeuvres. |
| 6982 | -- Warren Knox |
| 6983 | % |
| 6984 | "I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming |
| 6985 | that I have never made one." |
| 6986 | -- James Gordon Bennett |
| 6987 | % |
| 6988 | "I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to |
| 6989 | make it shorter." |
| 6990 | -- Blaise Pascal |
| 6991 | % |
| 6992 | I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole |
| 6993 | ____\b\b\b\bBODY! |
| 6994 | -- from "Cerebus" #82 |
| 6995 | % |
| 6996 | "I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer." |
| 6997 | -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" |
| 6998 | % |
| 6999 | "I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." |
| 7000 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 7001 | % |
| 7002 | "I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it |
| 7003 | scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. |
| 7004 | -- Steven Wright |
| 7005 | % |
| 7006 | "I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..." |
| 7007 | -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 |
| 7008 | % |
| 7009 | "I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking |
| 7010 | his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell |
| 7011 | beating up a child." |
| 7012 | -- Steven Wright |
| 7013 | % |
| 7014 | I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked |
| 7015 | at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. |
| 7016 | -- Poul Anderson |
| 7017 | % |
| 7018 | "I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere." |
| 7019 | % |
| 7020 | "I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it." |
| 7021 | % |
| 7022 | I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! |
| 7023 | % |
| 7024 | "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." |
| 7025 | -- Bill Hoest |
| 7026 | % |
| 7027 | I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. |
| 7028 | % |
| 7029 | "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World |
| 7030 | War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." |
| 7031 | -- Albert Einstein |
| 7032 | % |
| 7033 | "I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! |
| 7034 | The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building." |
| 7035 | -- Charles Schulz |
| 7036 | % |
| 7037 | "I like being single. I'm always there when I need me." |
| 7038 | -- Art Leo |
| 7039 | % |
| 7040 | I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to |
| 7041 | promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want |
| 7042 | peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of |
| 7043 | the way and let them have it. |
| 7044 | -- Dwight D. Eisenhower |
| 7045 | % |
| 7046 | "I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours." |
| 7047 | % |
| 7048 | "I like your game but we have to change the rules." |
| 7049 | % |
| 7050 | "I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what |
| 7051 | entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils." |
| 7052 | -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson |
| 7053 | % |
| 7054 | "I love to eat them Smurfies |
| 7055 | Smurfies what I love to eat |
| 7056 | Bite they ugly heads off, |
| 7057 | Nibble on they bluish feet." |
| 7058 | % |
| 7059 | "I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but |
| 7060 | don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the |
| 7061 | speed of light." |
| 7062 | -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk |
| 7063 | % |
| 7064 | "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." |
| 7065 | -- Ashleigh Brilliant |
| 7066 | % |
| 7067 | "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a |
| 7068 | week sometimes to make it up." |
| 7069 | -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" |
| 7070 | % |
| 7071 | I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts |
| 7072 | % |
| 7073 | "I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do |
| 7074 | was to go away." |
| 7075 | % |
| 7076 | "I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like." |
| 7077 | % |
| 7078 | I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. |
| 7079 | -- George Bernard Shaw |
| 7080 | % |
| 7081 | "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" |
| 7082 | -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) |
| 7083 | % |
| 7084 | "I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the |
| 7085 | kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled |
| 7086 | substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no |
| 7087 | restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we |
| 7088 | made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given |
| 7089 | powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative |
| 7090 | nerve disease." |
| 7091 | -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" |
| 7092 | % |
| 7093 | I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! |
| 7094 | % |
| 7095 | "I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral |
| 7096 | slob." |
| 7097 | -- William F. Buckley |
| 7098 | % |
| 7099 | I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that |
| 7100 | the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional |
| 7101 | congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile |
| 7102 | so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the |
| 7103 | plumber. |
| 7104 | |
| 7105 | But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such |
| 7106 | as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of |
| 7107 | the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never |
| 7108 | win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually |
| 7109 | write about, such as nose-picking. |
| 7110 | -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against |
| 7111 | Political Fallout" |
| 7112 | % |
| 7113 | I really hate this damned machine |
| 7114 | I wish that they would sell it. |
| 7115 | It never does quite what I want |
| 7116 | But only what I tell it. |
| 7117 | % |
| 7118 | "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." |
| 7119 | % |
| 7120 | I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope |
| 7121 | they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. |
| 7122 | -- Will Rogers |
| 7123 | % |
| 7124 | I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, |
| 7125 | I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. |
| 7126 | Bernoulli would have been content to die |
| 7127 | Had he but known such _\ba-squared cos 2(phi)! |
| 7128 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" |
| 7129 | % |
| 7130 | I sent a letter to the fish, |
| 7131 | I told them, "This is what I wish." |
| 7132 | The little fishes of the sea, |
| 7133 | They sent an answer back to me. |
| 7134 | The little fishes' answer was |
| 7135 | "We cannot do it, sir, because ..." |
| 7136 | I sent a letter back to say |
| 7137 | It would be better to obey. |
| 7138 | But someone came to me and said |
| 7139 | "The little fishes are in bed." |
| 7140 | I said to him, and I said it plain |
| 7141 | "Then you must wake them up again." |
| 7142 | I said it very loud and clear, |
| 7143 | I went and shouted in his ear. |
| 7144 | But he was very stiff and proud, |
| 7145 | He said "You needn't shout so loud." |
| 7146 | And he was very proud and stiff, |
| 7147 | He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." |
| 7148 | I took a kettle from the shelf, |
| 7149 | I went to wake them up myself. |
| 7150 | But when I found the door was locked |
| 7151 | I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, |
| 7152 | And when I found the door was shut, |
| 7153 | I tried to turn the handle, But ... |
| 7154 | |
| 7155 | "Is that all?" asked Alice. |
| 7156 | "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." |
| 7157 | -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" |
| 7158 | % |
| 7159 | "I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck." |
| 7160 | -- Graffito in Los Angeles |
| 7161 | % |
| 7162 | "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full |
| 7163 | house and four people died." |
| 7164 | -- Steven Wright |
| 7165 | % |
| 7166 | "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to |
| 7167 | see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." |
| 7168 | -- Shirley Temple |
| 7169 | % |
| 7170 | I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do |
| 7171 | too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which |
| 7172 | direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After |
| 7173 | much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot |
| 7174 | tub to face is up. |
| 7175 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" |
| 7176 | % |
| 7177 | "I think it is true for all _\bn. I was just playing it safe with _\bn >= 3 |
| 7178 | because I couldn't remember the proof." |
| 7179 | -- Baker, Pure Math 351a |
| 7180 | % |
| 7181 | "I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." |
| 7182 | % |
| 7183 | I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick |
| 7184 | and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this |
| 7185 | country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people |
| 7186 | in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly |
| 7187 | not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. |
| 7188 | -- Monty Python |
| 7189 | % |
| 7190 | I think that I shall never see |
| 7191 | A billboard lovely as a tree. |
| 7192 | Perhaps, unless the billboards fall |
| 7193 | I'll never see a tree at all. |
| 7194 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 7195 | % |
| 7196 | I think that I shall never see |
| 7197 | A thing as lovely as a tree. |
| 7198 | But as you see the trees have gone |
| 7199 | They went this morning with the dawn. |
| 7200 | A logging firm from out of town |
| 7201 | Came and chopped the trees all down. |
| 7202 | But I will trick those dirty skunks |
| 7203 | And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. |
| 7204 | % |
| 7205 | "I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple |
| 7206 | to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the |
| 7207 | farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light |
| 7208 | into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from |
| 7209 | the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing |
| 7210 | off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the |
| 7211 | color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on |
| 7212 | out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars |
| 7213 | singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors." |
| 7214 | -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club |
| 7215 | % |
| 7216 | I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people |
| 7217 | could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files. |
| 7218 | -- Jordan K. Hubbard |
| 7219 | % |
| 7220 | I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown |
| 7221 | ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think |
| 7222 | we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. |
| 7223 | When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we |
| 7224 | are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was |
| 7225 | driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa |
| 7226 | Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, |
| 7227 | were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous |
| 7228 | conversation ... |
| 7229 | -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" |
| 7230 | % |
| 7231 | "I thought you were trying to get into shape." |
| 7232 | "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." |
| 7233 | % |
| 7234 | I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in |
| 7235 | twenty minutes. It's about Russia. |
| 7236 | -- Woody Allen |
| 7237 | % |
| 7238 | I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. |
| 7239 | % |
| 7240 | "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." |
| 7241 | % |
| 7242 | "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." |
| 7243 | % |
| 7244 | "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my |
| 7245 | body. Then I realized who was telling me this." |
| 7246 | -- Emo Phillips |
| 7247 | % |
| 7248 | I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere |
| 7249 | near the place. |
| 7250 | -- Steven Wright |
| 7251 | % |
| 7252 | I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to |
| 7253 | animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for |
| 7254 | anything connected with society except that which makes the roads |
| 7255 | safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women |
| 7256 | warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. |
| 7257 | -- Brendan Behan |
| 7258 | % |
| 7259 | "I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. |
| 7260 | Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE |
| 7261 | HAW"!!'" |
| 7262 | -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" |
| 7263 | % |
| 7264 | I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know |
| 7265 | anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is |
| 7266 | a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows |
| 7267 | up. |
| 7268 | -- Will Rogers |
| 7269 | % |
| 7270 | "I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I |
| 7271 | put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured |
| 7272 | what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I |
| 7273 | should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to |
| 7274 | get off my driveway." |
| 7275 | -- Steven Wright |
| 7276 | % |
| 7277 | "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I |
| 7278 | didn't know." |
| 7279 | -- Mark Twain |
| 7280 | % |
| 7281 | I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending |
| 7282 | their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to |
| 7283 | buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. |
| 7284 | -- Emile Henry Gauvreay |
| 7285 | % |
| 7286 | "I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full |
| 7287 | house and four people died." |
| 7288 | -- Steven Wright |
| 7289 | % |
| 7290 | "I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything |
| 7291 | specific". |
| 7292 | -- Steven Wright |
| 7293 | % |
| 7294 | I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained |
| 7295 | it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass |
| 7296 | stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. |
| 7297 | I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be |
| 7298 | absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had |
| 7299 | developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. |
| 7300 | Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's |
| 7301 | temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I |
| 7302 | chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to |
| 7303 | the point where it would not run at all. |
| 7304 | -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black |
| 7305 | Holes and the Fate of Stars" |
| 7306 | % |
| 7307 | "I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any |
| 7308 | questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the |
| 7309 | speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? |
| 7310 | |
| 7311 | He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work |
| 7312 | for him then. |
| 7313 | -- Steven Wright |
| 7314 | % |
| 7315 | "I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in |
| 7316 | the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't |
| 7317 | included." |
| 7318 | -- Steven Wright |
| 7319 | % |
| 7320 | "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the |
| 7321 | statues that are in all the other museums." |
| 7322 | -- Steven Wright |
| 7323 | % |
| 7324 | I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that |
| 7325 | it took seven others to beat him! |
| 7326 | % |
| 7327 | "I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. |
| 7328 | There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work." |
| 7329 | -- Gallagher |
| 7330 | % |
| 7331 | "I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've |
| 7332 | always worked for me." |
| 7333 | -- Hunter S. Thompson |
| 7334 | % |
| 7335 | IBM had a PL/I, |
| 7336 | Its syntax worse than JOSS; |
| 7337 | And everywhere this language went, |
| 7338 | It was a total loss. |
| 7339 | % |
| 7340 | "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." |
| 7341 | % |
| 7342 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got |
| 7343 | to undo it." |
| 7344 | % |
| 7345 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat." |
| 7346 | % |
| 7347 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I |
| 7348 | snore." |
| 7349 | % |
| 7350 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in |
| 7351 | `Y.'" |
| 7352 | % |
| 7353 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my |
| 7354 | blender." |
| 7355 | % |
| 7356 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my |
| 7357 | garage door." |
| 7358 | % |
| 7359 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from |
| 7360 | Julian to Gregorian." |
| 7361 | % |
| 7362 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for |
| 7363 | static cling." |
| 7364 | % |
| 7365 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered." |
| 7366 | % |
| 7367 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my |
| 7368 | cottage cheese sculpture." |
| 7369 | % |
| 7370 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving." |
| 7371 | % |
| 7372 | "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night." |
| 7373 | % |
| 7374 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma |
| 7375 | transplant." |
| 7376 | % |
| 7377 | "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV." |
| 7378 | % |
| 7379 | "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never |
| 7380 | came back." |
| 7381 | % |
| 7382 | "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay |
| 7383 | tuned." |
| 7384 | % |
| 7385 | "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that |
| 7386 | need worrying about." |
| 7387 | % |
| 7388 | "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." |
| 7389 | % |
| 7390 | Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box |
| 7391 | of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. |
| 7392 | % |
| 7393 | Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like |
| 7394 | solitary confinement. |
| 7395 | % |
| 7396 | Idiot Box, n.: |
| 7397 | The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the |
| 7398 | stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. |
| 7399 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 7400 | % |
| 7401 | Idiot, n.: |
| 7402 | A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human |
| 7403 | affairs has always been dominant and controlling. |
| 7404 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 7405 | % |
| 7406 | If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. |
| 7407 | -- Roy Santoro |
| 7408 | % |
| 7409 | If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape |
| 7410 | at about 30 miles/second. |
| 7411 | -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming |
| 7412 | % |
| 7413 | "If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." |
| 7414 | -- Paul White |
| 7415 | % |
| 7416 | If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus |
| 7417 | forecast is a camel's behind. |
| 7418 | -- Edgar R. Fiedler |
| 7419 | % |
| 7420 | If A equals success, then the formula is _\bA = _\bX + _\bY + _\bZ. _\bX is work. _\bY |
| 7421 | is play. _\bZ is keep your mouth shut. |
| 7422 | -- Albert Einstein |
| 7423 | % |
| 7424 | If a group of _\bN persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _\bN-1 |
| 7425 | passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. |
| 7426 | -- T. Cheatham |
| 7427 | % |
| 7428 | If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four |
| 7429 | hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where |
| 7430 | it votes guilty. |
| 7431 | -- Joseph C. Goulden |
| 7432 | % |
| 7433 | If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake |
| 7434 | him up. |
| 7435 | % |
| 7436 | If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. |
| 7437 | % |
| 7438 | If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have |
| 7439 | dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to |
| 7440 | maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it |
| 7441 | must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. |
| 7442 | -- Donald A. Metz |
| 7443 | % |
| 7444 | "If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good |
| 7445 | attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to |
| 7446 | playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- |
| 7447 | unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager |
| 7448 | can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?" |
| 7449 | -- Sparky Anderson |
| 7450 | % |
| 7451 | If all be true that I do think, |
| 7452 | There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; |
| 7453 | Good friends, good wine, or being dry, |
| 7454 | Or lest we should be by-and-by, |
| 7455 | Or any other reason why. |
| 7456 | % |
| 7457 | If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular |
| 7458 | error. |
| 7459 | -- John Kenneth Galbraith |
| 7460 | % |
| 7461 | If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot |
| 7462 | platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave |
| 7463 | that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. |
| 7464 | % |
| 7465 | If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. |
| 7466 | -- Paul Beatty |
| 7467 | % |
| 7468 | If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a |
| 7469 | conclusion. |
| 7470 | -- William Baumol |
| 7471 | % |
| 7472 | If an S and an I and an O and a U |
| 7473 | With an X at the end spell Su; |
| 7474 | And an E and a Y and an E spell I, |
| 7475 | Pray what is a speller to do? |
| 7476 | Then, if also an S and an I and a G |
| 7477 | And an HED spell side, |
| 7478 | There's nothing much left for a speller to do |
| 7479 | But to go commit siouxeyesighed. |
| 7480 | -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" |
| 7481 | % |
| 7482 | If anything can go wrong, it will. |
| 7483 | % |
| 7484 | If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. |
| 7485 | % |
| 7486 | If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. |
| 7487 | % |
| 7488 | If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four |
| 7489 | tellers? |
| 7490 | % |
| 7491 | "If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?" |
| 7492 | % |
| 7493 | If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? |
| 7494 | % |
| 7495 | If everybody minded their own business, the world would go |
| 7496 | around a deal faster. |
| 7497 | -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" |
| 7498 | % |
| 7499 | If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. |
| 7500 | % |
| 7501 | If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three |
| 7502 | to a can. |
| 7503 | % |
| 7504 | If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. |
| 7505 | % |
| 7506 | If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. |
| 7507 | % |
| 7508 | If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit |
| 7509 | Ears. |
| 7510 | % |
| 7511 | If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their |
| 7512 | Heads. |
| 7513 | % |
| 7514 | If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with |
| 7515 | green, baggy skin. |
| 7516 | % |
| 7517 | If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. |
| 7518 | % |
| 7519 | If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to |
| 7520 | invent it. |
| 7521 | % |
| 7522 | If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger |
| 7523 | hands. |
| 7524 | % |
| 7525 | If God is dead, who will save the Queen? |
| 7526 | % |
| 7527 | If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? |
| 7528 | % |
| 7529 | "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." |
| 7530 | -- Yiddish saying |
| 7531 | % |
| 7532 | If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? |
| 7533 | -- Marvin Kitman |
| 7534 | % |
| 7535 | "If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be |
| 7536 | replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!" |
| 7537 | % |
| 7538 | If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! |
| 7539 | -- Samuel Goldwyn |
| 7540 | % |
| 7541 | If I don't drive around the park, |
| 7542 | I'm pretty sure to make my mark. |
| 7543 | If I'm in bed each night by ten, |
| 7544 | I may get back my looks again. |
| 7545 | If I abstain from fun and such, |
| 7546 | I'll probably amount to much; |
| 7547 | But I shall stay the way I am, |
| 7548 | Because I do not give a damn. |
| 7549 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 7550 | % |
| 7551 | If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. |
| 7552 | % |
| 7553 | If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the |
| 7554 | plantation and go home. |
| 7555 | -- Eugene P. Gallagher |
| 7556 | % |
| 7557 | If I had any humility I would be perfect. |
| 7558 | -- Ted Turner |
| 7559 | % |
| 7560 | "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." |
| 7561 | -- Albert Einstein |
| 7562 | % |
| 7563 | If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the |
| 7564 | shoulders of giants. |
| 7565 | -- Isaac Newton |
| 7566 | |
| 7567 | In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side |
| 7568 | with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. |
| 7569 | -- Gerald Holton |
| 7570 | |
| 7571 | If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing |
| 7572 | on my shoulders. |
| 7573 | -- Hal Abelson |
| 7574 | |
| 7575 | In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. |
| 7576 | -- Brian K. Reid |
| 7577 | % |
| 7578 | If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. |
| 7579 | |
| 7580 | On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is |
| 7581 | also a psychological interaction. |
| 7582 | |
| 7583 | The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so |
| 7584 | friendly. |
| 7585 | |
| 7586 | The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. |
| 7587 | -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" |
| 7588 | % |
| 7589 | If I traveled to the end of the rainbow |
| 7590 | As Dame Fortune did intend, |
| 7591 | Murphy would be there to tell me |
| 7592 | The pot's at the other end. |
| 7593 | -- Bert Whitney |
| 7594 | % |
| 7595 | If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? |
| 7596 | % |
| 7597 | If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. |
| 7598 | % |
| 7599 | If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. |
| 7600 | They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun |
| 7601 | of it. |
| 7602 | -- Thomas Carlyle |
| 7603 | % |
| 7604 | "If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they |
| 7605 | forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll |
| 7606 | just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. |
| 7607 | And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* |
| 7608 | pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! |
| 7609 | And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and |
| 7610 | think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to |
| 7611 | receive Net Mail ..." |
| 7612 | -- Leith (Casey) Leedom |
| 7613 | % |
| 7614 | If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. |
| 7615 | % |
| 7616 | If little else, the brain is an educational toy. |
| 7617 | -- Tom Robbins |
| 7618 | % |
| 7619 | If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women |
| 7620 | you've got in the house. |
| 7621 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 7622 | % |
| 7623 | If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by |
| 7624 | the page number. |
| 7625 | % |
| 7626 | If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. |
| 7627 | % |
| 7628 | "If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think |
| 7629 | little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and |
| 7630 | Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination." |
| 7631 | -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) |
| 7632 | % |
| 7633 | If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. |
| 7634 | -- A. Einstein. |
| 7635 | % |
| 7636 | If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit |
| 7637 | in my name at a Swiss bank. |
| 7638 | -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" |
| 7639 | % |
| 7640 | If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. |
| 7641 | % |
| 7642 | If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without |
| 7643 | having to accomplish anything. |
| 7644 | % |
| 7645 | If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, |
| 7646 | he should see how bad it is with representation. |
| 7647 | % |
| 7648 | If preceded by a '-' , the timezone shall be east of the Prime |
| 7649 | Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by |
| 7650 | an optional preceding '+' ). |
| 7651 | -- POSIX 2001 |
| 7652 | |
| 7653 | The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of |
| 7654 | (i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time. |
| 7655 | -- RFC 2822 |
| 7656 | % |
| 7657 | If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of |
| 7658 | arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the |
| 7659 | physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker |
| 7660 | entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. |
| 7661 | -- Vannevar Bush |
| 7662 | % |
| 7663 | If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied |
| 7664 | harder. |
| 7665 | -- Pope John Paul I |
| 7666 | % |
| 7667 | "If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." |
| 7668 | -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 |
| 7669 | % |
| 7670 | If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would |
| 7671 | presumably flunk it. |
| 7672 | -- Stanley Garn |
| 7673 | % |
| 7674 | If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. |
| 7675 | -- Norm Schryer |
| 7676 | % |
| 7677 | If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to |
| 7678 | get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. |
| 7679 | See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving |
| 7680 | the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting |
| 7681 | that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The |
| 7682 | college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious |
| 7683 | and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to |
| 7684 | rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. |
| 7685 | Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure |
| 7686 | interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by |
| 7687 | opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for |
| 7688 | himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for |
| 7689 | boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. |
| 7690 | -- Ralph Waldo Emerson |
| 7691 | % |
| 7692 | "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for |
| 7693 | me!" |
| 7694 | -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) |
| 7695 | % |
| 7696 | If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances |
| 7697 | are 50-50 it will. |
| 7698 | % |
| 7699 | If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If |
| 7700 | the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the |
| 7701 | bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will |
| 7702 | exceed all expectations. |
| 7703 | -- Reverend Chichester |
| 7704 | % |
| 7705 | If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. |
| 7706 | % |
| 7707 | If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that |
| 7708 | will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. |
| 7709 | % |
| 7710 | If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? |
| 7711 | -- Art Hoppe |
| 7712 | % |
| 7713 | If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make |
| 7714 | something out of you. |
| 7715 | -- Muhammad Ali |
| 7716 | % |
| 7717 | If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. |
| 7718 | % |
| 7719 | If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. |
| 7720 | % |
| 7721 | If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? |
| 7722 | % |
| 7723 | If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was |
| 7724 | yesterday? |
| 7725 | % |
| 7726 | If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is |
| 7727 | doing the thinking. |
| 7728 | -- Lyndon Baines Johnson |
| 7729 | % |
| 7730 | If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. |
| 7731 | -- Laurence J. Peter |
| 7732 | % |
| 7733 | "If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely" |
| 7734 | % |
| 7735 | "If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage." |
| 7736 | % |
| 7737 | If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel |
| 7738 | in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary |
| 7739 | qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. |
| 7740 | -- Marguerite Emmons |
| 7741 | % |
| 7742 | If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? |
| 7743 | -- Ann Edwards-Duff |
| 7744 | % |
| 7745 | "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." |
| 7746 | -- J. Paul Getty |
| 7747 | % |
| 7748 | If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. |
| 7749 | % |
| 7750 | If you can read this, you're too close. |
| 7751 | % |
| 7752 | If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. |
| 7753 | % |
| 7754 | If you cannot convince them, confuse them. |
| 7755 | -- Harry S Truman |
| 7756 | % |
| 7757 | If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a |
| 7758 | call. |
| 7759 | % |
| 7760 | If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. |
| 7761 | % |
| 7762 | If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? |
| 7763 | % |
| 7764 | If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. |
| 7765 | % |
| 7766 | If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. |
| 7767 | -- Clarence Day |
| 7768 | % |
| 7769 | If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. |
| 7770 | -- Freeman Dyson |
| 7771 | % |
| 7772 | "If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little |
| 7773 | Lavoris in the toilet." |
| 7774 | -- Jay Leno |
| 7775 | % |
| 7776 | If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to |
| 7777 | either of you for the rest of the day. |
| 7778 | % |
| 7779 | "If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to |
| 7780 | have to get a toehold in the public eye." |
| 7781 | % |
| 7782 | If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody |
| 7783 | will. |
| 7784 | % |
| 7785 | If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it |
| 7786 | will always do it. |
| 7787 | -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin |
| 7788 | % |
| 7789 | "If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is |
| 7790 | make the rubble bounce" |
| 7791 | -- Winston Churchill |
| 7792 | % |
| 7793 | If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. |
| 7794 | % |
| 7795 | If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. |
| 7796 | % |
| 7797 | "If you have to hate, hate gently" |
| 7798 | % |
| 7799 | If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to |
| 7800 | boot yourself in the posterior. |
| 7801 | -- A. J. Liebling |
| 7802 | % |
| 7803 | If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. |
| 7804 | % |
| 7805 | If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. |
| 7806 | -- Graham Summer |
| 7807 | % |
| 7808 | If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few |
| 7809 | people die past the age of a hundred. |
| 7810 | -- George Burns |
| 7811 | % |
| 7812 | If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you |
| 7813 | really make them think they'll hate you. |
| 7814 | % |
| 7815 | If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. |
| 7816 | -- Maslow |
| 7817 | % |
| 7818 | If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure |
| 7819 | can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly |
| 7820 | develop. |
| 7821 | % |
| 7822 | If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite |
| 7823 | you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. |
| 7824 | -- Mark Twain |
| 7825 | % |
| 7826 | If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, |
| 7827 | you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get |
| 7828 | ice, but no cup. |
| 7829 | % |
| 7830 | If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But |
| 7831 | this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is |
| 7832 | somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. |
| 7833 | % |
| 7834 | If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're |
| 7835 | the sucker. |
| 7836 | % |
| 7837 | If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. |
| 7838 | % |
| 7839 | If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, |
| 7840 | It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. |
| 7841 | Or some joker who is slicker, |
| 7842 | Will trick you of your liquor, |
| 7843 | If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. |
| 7844 | % |
| 7845 | If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. |
| 7846 | -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard |
| 7847 | % |
| 7848 | If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens |
| 7849 | tomorrow! |
| 7850 | % |
| 7851 | If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car |
| 7852 | payments. |
| 7853 | -- Earl Wilson |
| 7854 | % |
| 7855 | If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. |
| 7856 | -- Arthur Kasspe |
| 7857 | % |
| 7858 | If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest |
| 7859 | shopping center in the world? |
| 7860 | -- Richard M. Nixon |
| 7861 | % |
| 7862 | If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest |
| 7863 | shopping center in the world? |
| 7864 | -- Richard Nixon |
| 7865 | % |
| 7866 | If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would |
| 7867 | be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call |
| 7868 | you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw |
| 7869 | another party next year. |
| 7870 | |
| 7871 | What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up |
| 7872 | several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've |
| 7873 | been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to |
| 7874 | avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning |
| 7875 | parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from |
| 7876 | having another one ... |
| 7877 | |
| 7878 | If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless |
| 7879 | your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas |
| 7880 | through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure |
| 7881 | that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting |
| 7882 | someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... |
| 7883 | % |
| 7884 | If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them |
| 7885 | end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. |
| 7886 | -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" |
| 7887 | % |
| 7888 | "If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." |
| 7889 | -- A. L. |
| 7890 | % |
| 7891 | If you want divine justice, die. |
| 7892 | -- Nick Seldon |
| 7893 | % |
| 7894 | If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people |
| 7895 | he gave it to. |
| 7896 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 7897 | % |
| 7898 | If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the |
| 7899 | Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's |
| 7900 | statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington |
| 7901 | telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with |
| 7902 | titles beginning with the word "National". |
| 7903 | -- George Will |
| 7904 | % |
| 7905 | If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every |
| 7906 | word you say, talk in your sleep. |
| 7907 | % |
| 7908 | "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some |
| 7909 | memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, |
| 7910 | even if they don't know what it means." |
| 7911 | -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" |
| 7912 | % |
| 7913 | If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. |
| 7914 | % |
| 7915 | If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for |
| 7916 | tomorrow morning, sleep late. |
| 7917 | -- Henny Youngman |
| 7918 | % |
| 7919 | If you're happy, you're successful. |
| 7920 | % |
| 7921 | If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. |
| 7922 | % |
| 7923 | If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. |
| 7924 | -- Benjamin Disraeli |
| 7925 | % |
| 7926 | If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? |
| 7927 | % |
| 7928 | "If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round |
| 7929 | it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the |
| 7930 | universe?" |
| 7931 | % |
| 7932 | If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. |
| 7933 | -- Ronald Reagan |
| 7934 | % |
| 7935 | Ignisecond, n.: |
| 7936 | The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car |
| 7937 | door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" |
| 7938 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 7939 | % |
| 7940 | Il brilgue: les t^\boves libricilleux |
| 7941 | Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, |
| 7942 | Enm^\bim'\bes sont les gougebosquex, |
| 7943 | Et le m^\bomerade horgrave. |
| 7944 | -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" |
| 7945 | % |
| 7946 | Iles's Law: |
| 7947 | There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly |
| 7948 | at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. |
| 7949 | Neither will Iles. |
| 7950 | % |
| 7951 | "I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, |
| 7952 | carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, |
| 7953 | I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun." |
| 7954 | -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H |
| 7955 | % |
| 7956 | I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd |
| 7957 | listen to it! |
| 7958 | -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire |
| 7959 | % |
| 7960 | I'll grant thee random access to my heart, |
| 7961 | Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; |
| 7962 | And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove |
| 7963 | And in our bound partition never part. |
| 7964 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" |
| 7965 | % |
| 7966 | "I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. |
| 7967 | That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood." |
| 7968 | -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] |
| 7969 | % |
| 7970 | Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the |
| 7971 | land He's trying to ignore. |
| 7972 | % |
| 7973 | "I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from |
| 7974 | man." |
| 7975 | % |
| 7976 | I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! |
| 7977 | % |
| 7978 | "I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my |
| 7979 | sister." |
| 7980 | % |
| 7981 | I'm changing my name to Chrysler |
| 7982 | I'm going down to Washington, D.C. |
| 7983 | I'll tell some power broker |
| 7984 | What they did for Iacocca |
| 7985 | Will be perfectly acceptable to me! |
| 7986 | I'm changing my name to Chrysler, |
| 7987 | I'm heading for that great receiving line. |
| 7988 | When they hand a million grand out, |
| 7989 | I'll be standing with my hand out, |
| 7990 | Yessir, I'll get mine! |
| 7991 | -- Tom Paxton |
| 7992 | % |
| 7993 | I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. |
| 7994 | % |
| 7995 | "I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to |
| 7996 | die in." |
| 7997 | -- George McGovern |
| 7998 | % |
| 7999 | I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. |
| 8000 | -- Fred Allen |
| 8001 | % |
| 8002 | I'm going to live forever, or die trying! |
| 8003 | -- Spider Robinson |
| 8004 | % |
| 8005 | "I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" |
| 8006 | -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate |
| 8007 | % |
| 8008 | i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be |
| 8009 | living apart. |
| 8010 | -- e. e. cummings |
| 8011 | % |
| 8012 | I'm N-ary the tree, I am, |
| 8013 | N-ary the tree, I am, I am. |
| 8014 | I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, |
| 8015 | She's traversed me seven times before. |
| 8016 | And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) |
| 8017 | Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) |
| 8018 | I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. |
| 8019 | N-ary the tree I am, I am, |
| 8020 | N-ary the tree I am. |
| 8021 | % |
| 8022 | "I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. |
| 8023 | It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get." |
| 8024 | % |
| 8025 | "I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday |
| 8026 | life." |
| 8027 | % |
| 8028 | I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is |
| 8029 | -- I could be just as proud for half the money. |
| 8030 | -- Arthur Godfrey |
| 8031 | % |
| 8032 | I'm rated PG-34!! |
| 8033 | % |
| 8034 | "I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____\b\b\b\bREAL |
| 8035 | soon ..." |
| 8036 | % |
| 8037 | "I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it |
| 8038 | (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." |
| 8039 | -- English Professor, Providence College |
| 8040 | % |
| 8041 | "I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time |
| 8042 | coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve |
| 8043 | you being a dumbass." |
| 8044 | -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org> |
| 8045 | % |
| 8046 | I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, |
| 8047 | I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; |
| 8048 | In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, |
| 8049 | I am the very model of a modern Major-General. |
| 8050 | -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" |
| 8051 | % |
| 8052 | "I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's |
| 8053 | lives" |
| 8054 | % |
| 8055 | Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. |
| 8056 | -- Jules de Gaultier |
| 8057 | % |
| 8058 | "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the |
| 8059 | usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody |
| 8060 | thinks of complaining." |
| 8061 | -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal |
| 8062 | % |
| 8063 | Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has |
| 8064 | a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk |
| 8065 | storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on |
| 8066 | voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. |
| 8067 | What's the first question that the computer community asks? |
| 8068 | |
| 8069 | "Is it PC compatible?" |
| 8070 | % |
| 8071 | Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. |
| 8072 | -- Jack Paar |
| 8073 | % |
| 8074 | Immortality -- a fate worse than death. |
| 8075 | -- Edgar A. Shoaff |
| 8076 | % |
| 8077 | Impartial, adj.: |
| 8078 | Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from |
| 8079 | espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two |
| 8080 | conflicting opinions. |
| 8081 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 8082 | % |
| 8083 | Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the |
| 8084 | mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the |
| 8085 | Boss is reading it. |
| 8086 | % |
| 8087 | Impossible, adj.: |
| 8088 | (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; |
| 8089 | (2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may |
| 8090 | perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. |
| 8091 | -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" |
| 8092 | % |
| 8093 | In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of |
| 8094 | stairs. |
| 8095 | % |
| 8096 | In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled |
| 8097 | waffles. |
| 8098 | % |
| 8099 | In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't |
| 8100 | get parts. |
| 8101 | % |
| 8102 | In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The |
| 8103 | creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. |
| 8104 | % |
| 8105 | In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred |
| 8106 | syrup. |
| 8107 | % |
| 8108 | In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only |
| 8109 | we can't control when the five year period will begin. |
| 8110 | % |
| 8111 | In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" |
| 8112 | Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. |
| 8113 | -- Frank Mankiewicz |
| 8114 | % |
| 8115 | In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, |
| 8116 | "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." |
| 8117 | -- Mark Twain |
| 8118 | % |
| 8119 | In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground |
| 8120 | with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call |
| 8121 | this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. |
| 8122 | % |
| 8123 | In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one |
| 8124 | of the risks he takes. |
| 8125 | -- Adlai Stevenson |
| 8126 | % |
| 8127 | In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so |
| 8128 | sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All |
| 8129 | those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the |
| 8130 | devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up |
| 8131 | as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. |
| 8132 | -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" |
| 8133 | % |
| 8134 | In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own |
| 8135 | incompetency |
| 8136 | -- The Peter Principle |
| 8137 | % |
| 8138 | In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) |
| 8139 | are to be treated as variables. |
| 8140 | % |
| 8141 | "In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of |
| 8142 | nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir." |
| 8143 | -- Stuart Keate |
| 8144 | % |
| 8145 | In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own |
| 8146 | at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. |
| 8147 | % |
| 8148 | In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. |
| 8149 | % |
| 8150 | In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools |
| 8151 | will be temporarily canceled. |
| 8152 | % |
| 8153 | In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and |
| 8154 | make it better. |
| 8155 | % |
| 8156 | In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle |
| 8157 | a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order |
| 8158 | to get her attention. |
| 8159 | % |
| 8160 | In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride |
| 8161 | in any motor vehicle. |
| 8162 | % |
| 8163 | "In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." |
| 8164 | -- Winston Churchill, of Montgomery |
| 8165 | % |
| 8166 | In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door |
| 8167 | neighbor. |
| 8168 | % |
| 8169 | In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. |
| 8170 | % |
| 8171 | In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last |
| 8172 | resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but |
| 8173 | inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. |
| 8174 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 8175 | % |
| 8176 | In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our |
| 8177 | programming languages. |
| 8178 | % |
| 8179 | In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on |
| 8180 | the sidewalks when a concert is on. |
| 8181 | % |
| 8182 | In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come |
| 8183 | into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish |
| 8184 | between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which |
| 8185 | will only make it mushy. |
| 8186 | -- Mark Twain |
| 8187 | % |
| 8188 | In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your |
| 8189 | pocket. |
| 8190 | % |
| 8191 | In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any |
| 8192 | pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while |
| 8193 | either flying or waiting to board a plane. |
| 8194 | % |
| 8195 | In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless |
| 8196 | there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red |
| 8197 | flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. |
| 8198 | % |
| 8199 | In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as |
| 8200 | to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the |
| 8201 | speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. |
| 8202 | % |
| 8203 | "In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the |
| 8204 | universe." |
| 8205 | -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos |
| 8206 | % |
| 8207 | In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, |
| 8208 | intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from |
| 8209 | the cares of office. |
| 8210 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 8211 | % |
| 8212 | In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds |
| 8213 | and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. |
| 8214 | % |
| 8215 | In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying |
| 8216 | of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public |
| 8217 | view." |
| 8218 | % |
| 8219 | In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space |
| 8220 | Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. |
| 8221 | Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, |
| 8222 | We shall encounter, counting, face to face. |
| 8223 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" |
| 8224 | % |
| 8225 | In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that |
| 8226 | is over six feet in length. |
| 8227 | % |
| 8228 | In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. |
| 8229 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 |
| 8230 | % |
| 8231 | "In short, _\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _\bN is not Richardian." |
| 8232 | % |
| 8233 | In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. |
| 8234 | % |
| 8235 | In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a |
| 8236 | moving automobile. |
| 8237 | % |
| 8238 | [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You |
| 8239 | could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense |
| 8240 | that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... |
| 8241 | |
| 8242 | And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory |
| 8243 | over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we |
| 8244 | didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no |
| 8245 | point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; |
| 8246 | we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... |
| 8247 | |
| 8248 | So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in |
| 8249 | Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost |
| 8250 | ___\b\b\bsee the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and |
| 8251 | rolled back. |
| 8252 | -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" |
| 8253 | % |
| 8254 | In the beginning was the word. |
| 8255 | But by the time the second word was added to it, |
| 8256 | there was trouble. |
| 8257 | For with it came syntax ... |
| 8258 | -- John Simon |
| 8259 | % |
| 8260 | In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat |
| 8261 | hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am |
| 8262 | training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the |
| 8263 | net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any |
| 8264 | preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you |
| 8265 | close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be |
| 8266 | empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. |
| 8267 | % |
| 8268 | In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in |
| 8269 | the proper order then why can't he? |
| 8270 | % |
| 8271 | In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful |
| 8272 | Dead. |
| 8273 | -- Egyptian Book of the Dead |
| 8274 | % |
| 8275 | In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. |
| 8276 | -- Alan Perlis |
| 8277 | % |
| 8278 | In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or |
| 8279 | a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it |
| 8280 | to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by |
| 8281 | forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you |
| 8282 | stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit |
| 8283 | punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong |
| 8284 | enough to punch you. |
| 8285 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 8286 | % |
| 8287 | In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has |
| 8288 | shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the |
| 8289 | Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million |
| 8290 | three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years |
| 8291 | from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. |
| 8292 | ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such |
| 8293 | wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of |
| 8294 | fact. |
| 8295 | -- Mark Twain |
| 8296 | % |
| 8297 | In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to |
| 8298 | drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at |
| 8299 | discotheques. |
| 8300 | -- Art Linkletter |
| 8301 | % |
| 8302 | In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take |
| 8303 | my advice. |
| 8304 | -- Winston Churchill |
| 8305 | % |
| 8306 | In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without |
| 8307 | the supervision of a licensed engineer. |
| 8308 | % |
| 8309 | In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse |
| 8310 | along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. |
| 8311 | % |
| 8312 | Incumbent, n.: |
| 8313 | Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. |
| 8314 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 8315 | % |
| 8316 | Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? |
| 8317 | % |
| 8318 | Individualists unite! |
| 8319 | % |
| 8320 | Infancy, n.: |
| 8321 | The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven |
| 8322 | lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon |
| 8323 | afterward. |
| 8324 | -- Ambrose Bierce |
| 8325 | % |
| 8326 | Information Center, n.: |
| 8327 | A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is |
| 8328 | to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. |
| 8329 | % |
| 8330 | Ingrate, n.: |
| 8331 | A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of |
| 8332 | indigestion. |
| 8333 | % |
| 8334 | Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. |
| 8335 | -- Martin Luther King, Jr. |
| 8336 | % |
| 8337 | Ink, n.: |
| 8338 | A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and |
| 8339 | water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote |
| 8340 | intellectual crime. |
| 8341 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 8342 | % |
| 8343 | Innovation is hard to schedule. |
| 8344 | -- Dan Fylstra |
| 8345 | % |
| 8346 | Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. |
| 8347 | % |
| 8348 | Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the |
| 8349 | salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. |
| 8350 | % |
| 8351 | Interpreter, n.: |
| 8352 | One who enables two persons of different languages to |
| 8353 | understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to |
| 8354 | the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. |
| 8355 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 8356 | % |
| 8357 | Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. |
| 8358 | % |
| 8359 | Iron Law of Distribution: |
| 8360 | Them that has, gets. |
| 8361 | % |
| 8362 | "Irrationality is the square root of all evil" |
| 8363 | -- Douglas Hofstadter |
| 8364 | % |
| 8365 | Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is |
| 8366 | meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a |
| 8367 | soap bubble? |
| 8368 | % |
| 8369 | Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the |
| 8370 | beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get |
| 8371 | out, and such as are out wish to get in? |
| 8372 | -- Ralph Emerson |
| 8373 | % |
| 8374 | Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! |
| 8375 | % |
| 8376 | Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction |
| 8377 | listen to weather forecasts and economists? |
| 8378 | -- Kelvin Throop III |
| 8379 | % |
| 8380 | Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune |
| 8381 | tellers take economists seriously? |
| 8382 | % |
| 8383 | Issawi's Laws of Progress: |
| 8384 | |
| 8385 | The Course of Progress: |
| 8386 | Most things get steadily worse. |
| 8387 | |
| 8388 | The Path of Progress: |
| 8389 | A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. |
| 8390 | % |
| 8391 | It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working |
| 8392 | as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he |
| 8393 | had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, |
| 8394 | "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed |
| 8395 | Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival |
| 8396 | came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer |
| 8397 | this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the |
| 8398 | Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. |
| 8399 | To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's |
| 8400 | your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, |
| 8401 | "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" |
| 8402 | % |
| 8403 | It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown |
| 8404 | came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and |
| 8405 | applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I |
| 8406 | think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the |
| 8407 | wits, who believe that it is a joke. |
| 8408 | -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) |
| 8409 | % |
| 8410 | It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is |
| 8411 | thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have |
| 8412 | drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. |
| 8413 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 8414 | % |
| 8415 | It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself |
| 8416 | that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____\b\b\b\bonly* by amusing oneself that |
| 8417 | one can learn." |
| 8418 | -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman |
| 8419 | % |
| 8420 | It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have |
| 8421 | been searching for evidence which could support this. |
| 8422 | -- Bertrand Russell |
| 8423 | % |
| 8424 | It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. |
| 8425 | % |
| 8426 | It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to |
| 8427 | program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in |
| 8428 | organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be |
| 8429 | self-critical? |
| 8430 | -- Alan Perlis |
| 8431 | % |
| 8432 | It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of |
| 8433 | Urbana, Illinois. |
| 8434 | % |
| 8435 | It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will |
| 8436 | not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves |
| 8437 | and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like |
| 8438 | mature human beings ... |
| 8439 | -- Playboy, January 1983 |
| 8440 | % |
| 8441 | It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a |
| 8442 | pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the |
| 8443 | sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. |
| 8444 | -- Voltaire |
| 8445 | % |
| 8446 | It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what |
| 8447 | they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed |
| 8448 | that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so |
| 8449 | much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins |
| 8450 | had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But |
| 8451 | conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more |
| 8452 | intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. |
| 8453 | |
| 8454 | Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending |
| 8455 | destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to |
| 8456 | alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were |
| 8457 | misinterpreted ... |
| 8458 | -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The |
| 8459 | Galaxy" |
| 8460 | % |
| 8461 | It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be |
| 8462 | coming up it. |
| 8463 | -- Henry Allen |
| 8464 | % |
| 8465 | It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? |
| 8466 | One in a million, perhaps. |
| 8467 | % |
| 8468 | It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark |
| 8469 | % |
| 8470 | It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three |
| 8471 | benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never |
| 8472 | to use either. |
| 8473 | -- Mark Twain |
| 8474 | % |
| 8475 | It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both |
| 8476 | incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by |
| 8477 | twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. |
| 8478 | -- Rod Serling |
| 8479 | % |
| 8480 | "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is |
| 8481 | lightly greased." |
| 8482 | -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" |
| 8483 | % |
| 8484 | It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its |
| 8485 | proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community |
| 8486 | a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to |
| 8487 | treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the |
| 8488 | focus of attention, the harder the task. |
| 8489 | -- Sydney J. Harris |
| 8490 | % |
| 8491 | It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice |
| 8492 | versa. |
| 8493 | % |
| 8494 | It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. |
| 8495 | % |
| 8496 | It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct |
| 8497 | one. |
| 8498 | % |
| 8499 | It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because |
| 8500 | if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of |
| 8501 | people. |
| 8502 | -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" |
| 8503 | % |
| 8504 | It is hard to predict, in particular about the future. |
| 8505 | -- Robert Storm Petersen |
| 8506 | % |
| 8507 | It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood |
| 8508 | Boulevard at one time. |
| 8509 | % |
| 8510 | It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. |
| 8511 | % |
| 8512 | It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry |
| 8513 | a tune. |
| 8514 | -- Woody Allen |
| 8515 | % |
| 8516 | It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so |
| 8517 | ingenious. |
| 8518 | % |
| 8519 | It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not |
| 8520 | desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. |
| 8521 | -- Woody Allen |
| 8522 | % |
| 8523 | It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our |
| 8524 | offense consists in doubting it. |
| 8525 | -- Justice Robert H. Jackson |
| 8526 | % |
| 8527 | It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the |
| 8528 | problem. |
| 8529 | % |
| 8530 | It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be |
| 8531 | privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to |
| 8532 | corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. |
| 8533 | -- George Bernard Shaw |
| 8534 | % |
| 8535 | It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. |
| 8536 | -- Gore Vidal |
| 8537 | % |
| 8538 | It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one |
| 8539 | damn thing over and over. |
| 8540 | -- Edna St. Vincent Millay |
| 8541 | % |
| 8542 | It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? |
| 8543 | -- Elizabeth Carpenter |
| 8544 | % |
| 8545 | It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a |
| 8546 | pit. |
| 8547 | % |
| 8548 | It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that |
| 8549 | virginity could be a virtue. |
| 8550 | -- Voltaire |
| 8551 | % |
| 8552 | It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their |
| 8553 | dignity. |
| 8554 | % |
| 8555 | It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared |
| 8556 | to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. |
| 8557 | -- Havelock Ellis |
| 8558 | % |
| 8559 | It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the |
| 8560 | lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as |
| 8561 | high as the eagle? |
| 8562 | % |
| 8563 | It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a |
| 8564 | statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more |
| 8565 | glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through |
| 8566 | which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the |
| 8567 | day, that is the highest of arts. |
| 8568 | -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" |
| 8569 | % |
| 8570 | It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad |
| 8571 | crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed |
| 8572 | until the other has gone. |
| 8573 | % |
| 8574 | It is the business of little minds to shrink. |
| 8575 | -- Carl Sandburg |
| 8576 | % |
| 8577 | It is the business of the future to be dangerous. |
| 8578 | -- Hawkwind |
| 8579 | % |
| 8580 | It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for |
| 8581 | five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But |
| 8582 | it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. |
| 8583 | % |
| 8584 | It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. |
| 8585 | % |
| 8586 | It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too |
| 8587 | good either if you speak when your head is empty. |
| 8588 | % |
| 8589 | It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a |
| 8590 | warning to others. |
| 8591 | % |
| 8592 | "It runs like _\bx, where _\bx is something unsavory" |
| 8593 | -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 |
| 8594 | % |
| 8595 | It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the |
| 8596 | flag. |
| 8597 | % |
| 8598 | It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the |
| 8599 | municipality. |
| 8600 | -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio |
| 8601 | % |
| 8602 | "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, |
| 8603 | but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." |
| 8604 | -- Robert Benchly |
| 8605 | % |
| 8606 | It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. |
| 8607 | % |
| 8608 | "It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set |
| 8609 | foot." |
| 8610 | % |
| 8611 | It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a |
| 8612 | breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was |
| 8613 | broken ... |
| 8614 | -- James Dent |
| 8615 | % |
| 8616 | "It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps |
| 8617 | I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I |
| 8618 | don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and |
| 8619 | the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual |
| 8620 | charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its |
| 8621 | novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but |
| 8622 | yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable |
| 8623 | man a lifetime." |
| 8624 | -- Thomas Aldrich |
| 8625 | % |
| 8626 | It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like |
| 8627 | the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. |
| 8628 | % |
| 8629 | It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on |
| 8630 | the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. |
| 8631 | % |
| 8632 | It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human |
| 8633 | nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant |
| 8634 | examples. |
| 8635 | -- Charles Dickens |
| 8636 | % |
| 8637 | It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing |
| 8638 | warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or |
| 8639 | two things still safe to eat. |
| 8640 | -- Robert Fuoss |
| 8641 | % |
| 8642 | It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. |
| 8643 | -- Andrew Jackson |
| 8644 | % |
| 8645 | "It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone |
| 8646 | underwear." |
| 8647 | % |
| 8648 | It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. |
| 8649 | % |
| 8650 | "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." |
| 8651 | -- Steven Wright |
| 8652 | % |
| 8653 | "It's a summons." |
| 8654 | "What's a summons?" |
| 8655 | "It means summon's in trouble." |
| 8656 | -- Rocky and Bullwinkle |
| 8657 | % |
| 8658 | It's a very *__\b\bUN*lucky week in which to be took dead. |
| 8659 | -- Churchy La Femme |
| 8660 | % |
| 8661 | It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short. |
| 8662 | % |
| 8663 | It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. |
| 8664 | % |
| 8665 | "It's bad luck to be superstitious." |
| 8666 | -- Andrew W. Mathis |
| 8667 | % |
| 8668 | It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. |
| 8669 | -- Marty Winch |
| 8670 | % |
| 8671 | "It's easier said than done." |
| 8672 | |
| 8673 | ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than |
| 8674 | said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than |
| 8675 | said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than |
| 8676 | done". |
| 8677 | % |
| 8678 | It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. |
| 8679 | % |
| 8680 | It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for |
| 8681 | being right. |
| 8682 | % |
| 8683 | "It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an |
| 8684 | hour!" |
| 8685 | -- Macy's |
| 8686 | % |
| 8687 | It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. |
| 8688 | % |
| 8689 | It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it |
| 8690 | is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It |
| 8691 | isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. |
| 8692 | -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News |
| 8693 | % |
| 8694 | It's just a jump to the left |
| 8695 | And then a step to the right. |
| 8696 | Put your hands on your hips |
| 8697 | And pull your knees in tight. |
| 8698 | It's the pelvic thrust |
| 8699 | That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane |
| 8700 | |
| 8701 | LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! |
| 8702 | |
| 8703 | -- Rocky Horror Picture Show |
| 8704 | % |
| 8705 | "It's kind of fun to do the impossible." |
| 8706 | -- Walt Disney |
| 8707 | % |
| 8708 | "It's Like This" |
| 8709 | |
| 8710 | Even the samurai |
| 8711 | have teddy bears, |
| 8712 | and even the teddy bears |
| 8713 | get drunk. |
| 8714 | % |
| 8715 | It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong |
| 8716 | direction. |
| 8717 | % |
| 8718 | "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." |
| 8719 | % |
| 8720 | It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. |
| 8721 | -- Sam Goldwyn |
| 8722 | % |
| 8723 | It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how |
| 8724 | to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. |
| 8725 | -- George Burns |
| 8726 | % |
| 8727 | It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. |
| 8728 | -- Phil White |
| 8729 | % |
| 8730 | "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." |
| 8731 | -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston |
| 8732 | % |
| 8733 | It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. |
| 8734 | -- Alexander Korda |
| 8735 | % |
| 8736 | "It's not just a computer -- it's your ass." |
| 8737 | -- Cal Keegan |
| 8738 | % |
| 8739 | It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's |
| 8740 | what you're taking for it... |
| 8741 | % |
| 8742 | It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off |
| 8743 | the ground. |
| 8744 | -- Daniel B. Luten |
| 8745 | % |
| 8746 | It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it |
| 8747 | happens. |
| 8748 | -- Woody Allen |
| 8749 | % |
| 8750 | It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. |
| 8751 | -- Garfield |
| 8752 | % |
| 8753 | It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that |
| 8754 | English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many |
| 8755 | other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. |
| 8756 | -- Sydney J. Harris |
| 8757 | % |
| 8758 | It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... |
| 8759 | % |
| 8760 | It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. |
| 8761 | % |
| 8762 | It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the |
| 8763 | Devil when he is the only explanation of it. |
| 8764 | % |
| 8765 | It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which |
| 8766 | raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody |
| 8767 | not to. |
| 8768 | -- Franklin P. Jones |
| 8769 | % |
| 8770 | It's the thought, if any, that counts! |
| 8771 | % |
| 8772 | I've built a better model than the one at Data General |
| 8773 | For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral |
| 8774 | My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; |
| 8775 | My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. |
| 8776 | My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, |
| 8777 | You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; |
| 8778 | There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; |
| 8779 | My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. |
| 8780 | |
| 8781 | I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: |
| 8782 | There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, |
| 8783 | Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral |
| 8784 | I've built a better model than the one at Data General. |
| 8785 | |
| 8786 | -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of |
| 8787 | "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", |
| 8788 | by Gilbert & Sullivan) |
| 8789 | % |
| 8790 | I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. |
| 8791 | % |
| 8792 | I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was |
| 8793 | this little hole in the bottom ... |
| 8794 | -- John Croll |
| 8795 | % |
| 8796 | I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. |
| 8797 | % |
| 8798 | I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. |
| 8799 | -- Groucho Marx |
| 8800 | % |
| 8801 | I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes |
| 8802 | on the same day. |
| 8803 | % |
| 8804 | "I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer." |
| 8805 | % |
| 8806 | "I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer" |
| 8807 | -- Senator Claghorn |
| 8808 | % |
| 8809 | I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; |
| 8810 | And from that full meridian of my glory |
| 8811 | I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, |
| 8812 | Like a bright exhalation in the evening |
| 8813 | And no man see me more. |
| 8814 | -- Shakespeare |
| 8815 | % |
| 8816 | Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: |
| 8817 | No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the |
| 8818 | legislature is in session. |
| 8819 | % |
| 8820 | James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total |
| 8821 | indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. |
| 8822 | -- Tom Stoppard |
| 8823 | % |
| 8824 | Jenkinson's Law: |
| 8825 | It won't work. |
| 8826 | % |
| 8827 | Jesus Saves, |
| 8828 | Moses Invests, |
| 8829 | But only Buddha pays Dividends. |
| 8830 | % |
| 8831 | Job Placement, n.: |
| 8832 | Telling your boss what he can do with your job. |
| 8833 | % |
| 8834 | Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! |
| 8835 | % |
| 8836 | Johnson's First Law: |
| 8837 | When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the |
| 8838 | most inconvenient possible time. |
| 8839 | % |
| 8840 | Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called |
| 8841 | "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do |
| 8842 | anything loses. |
| 8843 | % |
| 8844 | Join the march to save individuality! |
| 8845 | % |
| 8846 | Jone's Law: |
| 8847 | The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone |
| 8848 | to blame it on. |
| 8849 | % |
| 8850 | Jone's Motto: |
| 8851 | Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. |
| 8852 | % |
| 8853 | Jones's First Law: |
| 8854 | Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of |
| 8855 | endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction |
| 8856 | to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their |
| 8857 | original contribution. |
| 8858 | % |
| 8859 | Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac |
| 8860 | (and nobody cares about it). |
| 8861 | -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 |
| 8862 | % |
| 8863 | Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good |
| 8864 | solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires |
| 8865 | one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the |
| 8866 | winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is |
| 8867 | because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise |
| 8868 | mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political |
| 8869 | motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the |
| 8870 | whole truth. |
| 8871 | -- Stephen R. Schwambach |
| 8872 | % |
| 8873 | Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has |
| 8874 | changed. |
| 8875 | -- Irene Peter |
| 8876 | % |
| 8877 | Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he |
| 8878 | knows what it is. |
| 8879 | % |
| 8880 | Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. |
| 8881 | % |
| 8882 | Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you |
| 8883 | get a prompt, type like hell. |
| 8884 | % |
| 8885 | "Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't |
| 8886 | immune to bullets" |
| 8887 | -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" |
| 8888 | % |
| 8889 | "Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some |
| 8890 | of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" |
| 8891 | -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US |
| 8892 | % |
| 8893 | "Just remember, it all started with a mouse." |
| 8894 | -- Walt Disney |
| 8895 | % |
| 8896 | Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to |
| 8897 | twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! |
| 8898 | % |
| 8899 | `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, |
| 8900 | As he landed his crew with care; |
| 8901 | Supporting each man on the top of the tide |
| 8902 | By a finger entwined in his hair. |
| 8903 | |
| 8904 | 'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: |
| 8905 | That alone should encourage the crew. |
| 8906 | Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: |
| 8907 | What I tell you three times is true.' |
| 8908 | % |
| 8909 | Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create |
| 8910 | a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity. |
| 8911 | -- Lionel Lauer |
| 8912 | % |
| 8913 | Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a |
| 8914 | faster rat!!! |
| 8915 | % |
| 8916 | Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! |
| 8917 | -- Michael J. Wagner |
| 8918 | % |
| 8919 | Justice is incidental to law and order. |
| 8920 | -- J. Edgar Hoover |
| 8921 | % |
| 8922 | Justice, n.: |
| 8923 | A decision in your favor. |
| 8924 | % |
| 8925 | K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; |
| 8926 | Cobol's wordy and confining; |
| 8927 | KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; |
| 8928 | Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. |
| 8929 | -- The Roguelet's ABC |
| 8930 | % |
| 8931 | Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to |
| 8932 | wear tail lights. |
| 8933 | % |
| 8934 | Katz' Law: |
| 8935 | Man and nations will act rationally when all other |
| 8936 | possibilities have been exhausted. |
| 8937 | % |
| 8938 | Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. |
| 8939 | % |
| 8940 | Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze |
| 8941 | - Hellman's Mayonnaise |
| 8942 | % |
| 8943 | Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. |
| 8944 | % |
| 8945 | Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. |
| 8946 | % |
| 8947 | Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: |
| 8948 | (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc |
| 8949 | straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this |
| 8950 | force is technically termed "car suck"). |
| 8951 | (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive |
| 8952 | than "Watch this!" |
| 8953 | % |
| 8954 | Keep your Eye on the Ball, |
| 8955 | Your Shoulder to the Wheel, |
| 8956 | Your Nose to the Grindstone, |
| 8957 | Your Feet on the Ground, |
| 8958 | Your Head on your Shoulders. |
| 8959 | Now ... try to get something DONE! |
| 8960 | % |
| 8961 | Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most |
| 8962 | automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the |
| 8963 | numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the |
| 8964 | driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the |
| 8965 | dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know |
| 8966 | what's wrong." |
| 8967 | % |
| 8968 | Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: |
| 8969 | Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, |
| 8970 | and parking for the faculty. |
| 8971 | % |
| 8972 | Kids have *_____\b\b\b\b\bnever* taken guidance from their parents. If you could |
| 8973 | travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the |
| 8974 | original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate |
| 8975 | teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for |
| 8976 | grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate |
| 8977 | teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. |
| 8978 | -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly |
| 8979 | Do" |
| 8980 | % |
| 8981 | Kin, n.: |
| 8982 | An affliction of the blood |
| 8983 | % |
| 8984 | Kinkler's First Law: |
| 8985 | Responsibility always exceeds authority. |
| 8986 | |
| 8987 | Kinkler's Second Law: |
| 8988 | All the easy problems have been solved. |
| 8989 | % |
| 8990 | "Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack." |
| 8991 | % |
| 8992 | Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through |
| 8993 | any of its streets. |
| 8994 | % |
| 8995 | Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. |
| 8996 | % |
| 8997 | Kiss your keyboard goodbye! |
| 8998 | % |
| 8999 | Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. |
| 9000 | % |
| 9001 | Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within. |
| 9002 | % |
| 9003 | Kleptomaniac, n.: |
| 9004 | A rich thief. |
| 9005 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 9006 | % |
| 9007 | Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. |
| 9008 | % |
| 9009 | Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. |
| 9010 | -- Henry N. Camp |
| 9011 | % |
| 9012 | Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): |
| 9013 | The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. |
| 9014 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 9015 | % |
| 9016 | Labor, n.: |
| 9017 | One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. |
| 9018 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 9019 | % |
| 9020 | Lackland's Laws: |
| 9021 | (1) Never be first. |
| 9022 | (2) Never be last. |
| 9023 | (3) Never volunteer for anything |
| 9024 | % |
| 9025 | Lactomangulation, n.: |
| 9026 | Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly |
| 9027 | that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. |
| 9028 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 9029 | % |
| 9030 | Ladybug, ladybug, |
| 9031 | Look to your stern! |
| 9032 | Your house is on fire, |
| 9033 | Your children will burn! |
| 9034 | So jump ye and sing, for |
| 9035 | The very first time |
| 9036 | The four lines above |
| 9037 | Have been put into rhyme. |
| 9038 | -- Walt Kelly |
| 9039 | % |
| 9040 | Laetrile is the pits |
| 9041 | % |
| 9042 | Langsam's Laws: |
| 9043 | (1) Everything depends. |
| 9044 | (2) Nothing is always. |
| 9045 | (3) Everything is sometimes. |
| 9046 | % |
| 9047 | Larkinson's Law: |
| 9048 | All laws are basically false. |
| 9049 | % |
| 9050 | Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with |
| 9051 | was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting |
| 9052 | pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the |
| 9053 | farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their |
| 9054 | sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do |
| 9055 | you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? |
| 9056 | What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead |
| 9057 | of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under |
| 9058 | the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops |
| 9059 | whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which |
| 9060 | Lassie filed the applications for. |
| 9061 | -- Dave Barry |
| 9062 | % |
| 9063 | "Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment |
| 9064 | had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to |
| 9065 | my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'" |
| 9066 | -- Steven Wright |
| 9067 | % |
| 9068 | "Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police |
| 9069 | record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense |
| 9070 | of humor." |
| 9071 | % |
| 9072 | Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. |
| 9073 | % |
| 9074 | Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. |
| 9075 | % |
| 9076 | "Laughter is the closest distance between two people." |
| 9077 | -- Victor Borge |
| 9078 | % |
| 9079 | Law of Communications: |
| 9080 | The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications |
| 9081 | between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of |
| 9082 | misunderstanding. |
| 9083 | % |
| 9084 | Law of Probable Dispersal: |
| 9085 | Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly |
| 9086 | distributed. |
| 9087 | % |
| 9088 | Law of Selective Gravity: |
| 9089 | An object will fall so as to do the most damage. |
| 9090 | |
| 9091 | Jenning's Corollary: |
| 9092 | The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is |
| 9093 | directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. |
| 9094 | % |
| 9095 | Law of the Perversity of Nature: |
| 9096 | You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the |
| 9097 | bread to butter. |
| 9098 | % |
| 9099 | Laws of Serendipity: |
| 9100 | |
| 9101 | (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for |
| 9102 | something. |
| 9103 | (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already |
| 9104 | be engaged in making an inferior one. |
| 9105 | % |
| 9106 | Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: |
| 9107 | No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- |
| 9108 | approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. |
| 9109 | % |
| 9110 | Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. |
| 9111 | % |
| 9112 | Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and |
| 9113 | everything else follows in the same way. |
| 9114 | -- Alan J. Perlis |
| 9115 | % |
| 9116 | Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. |
| 9117 | % |
| 9118 | Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the |
| 9119 | fun? |
| 9120 | % |
| 9121 | Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: |
| 9122 | "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour |
| 9123 | unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a |
| 9124 | drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he |
| 9125 | can." |
| 9126 | % |
| 9127 | Leibowitz's Rule: |
| 9128 | When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you |
| 9129 | hold the hammer with both hands. |
| 9130 | % |
| 9131 | LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) |
| 9132 | You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are |
| 9133 | pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike |
| 9134 | honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people |
| 9135 | are thieves. |
| 9136 | % |
| 9137 | LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) |
| 9138 | Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. |
| 9139 | Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because |
| 9140 | you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of |
| 9141 | fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got |
| 9142 | a sick sense of humor. |
| 9143 | % |
| 9144 | Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. |
| 9145 | % |
| 9146 | "Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a |
| 9147 | number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash |
| 9148 | and another number." |
| 9149 | -- James Estes |
| 9150 | % |
| 9151 | Let us live!!! |
| 9152 | Let us love!!! |
| 9153 | Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! |
| 9154 | |
| 9155 | You first. |
| 9156 | % |
| 9157 | Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every |
| 9158 | relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you |
| 9159 | really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the |
| 9160 | end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the |
| 9161 | qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and |
| 9162 | bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind |
| 9163 | his back." |
| 9164 | -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn |
| 9165 | % |
| 9166 | Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick |
| 9167 | your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as |
| 9168 | Mental Anguish. You would sue: |
| 9169 | |
| 9170 | * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions |
| 9171 | section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand |
| 9172 | into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls |
| 9173 | in there". |
| 9174 | |
| 9175 | * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious |
| 9176 | cretin like yourself. |
| 9177 | |
| 9178 | * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this |
| 9179 | case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you |
| 9180 | a large cash settlement anyway. |
| 9181 | -- Dave Barry |
| 9182 | % |
| 9183 | Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often |
| 9184 | overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of |
| 9185 | dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your |
| 9186 | tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to |
| 9187 | spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe |
| 9188 | money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will |
| 9189 | probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? |
| 9190 | It's not his money. |
| 9191 | -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" |
| 9192 | % |
| 9193 | LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) |
| 9194 | |
| 9195 | Dear Sir, |
| 9196 | |
| 9197 | I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or |
| 9198 | to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in |
| 9199 | public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result |
| 9200 | in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn |
| 9201 | will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed |
| 9202 | agricultural industry. |
| 9203 | |
| 9204 | Yours faithfully, |
| 9205 | Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. |
| 9206 | Sevenoaks |
| 9207 | % |
| 9208 | Lewis's Law of Travel: |
| 9209 | The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to |
| 9210 | anyone, ever. |
| 9211 | % |
| 9212 | Liar, n.: |
| 9213 | A lawyer with a roving commission. |
| 9214 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 9215 | % |
| 9216 | Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. |
| 9217 | -- Harry Emerson Fosdick |
| 9218 | % |
| 9219 | LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) |
| 9220 | Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your |
| 9221 | desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and |
| 9222 | polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. |
| 9223 | % |
| 9224 | LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) |
| 9225 | You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with |
| 9226 | reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. |
| 9227 | Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most |
| 9228 | Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal |
| 9229 | disease. |
| 9230 | % |
| 9231 | Lie, n.: |
| 9232 | A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one |
| 9233 | discovered to date. |
| 9234 | % |
| 9235 | Lieberman's Law: |
| 9236 | Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. |
| 9237 | % |
| 9238 | Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. |
| 9239 | % |
| 9240 | Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. |
| 9241 | % |
| 9242 | "Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to |
| 9243 | eat it nevertheless." |
| 9244 | -- Flaubert |
| 9245 | % |
| 9246 | "Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." |
| 9247 | % |
| 9248 | Life is like a simile. |
| 9249 | % |
| 9250 | Life is like an analogy |
| 9251 | % |
| 9252 | Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find |
| 9253 | there is nothing in it. |
| 9254 | % |
| 9255 | "Life is too important to take seriously." |
| 9256 | -- Corky Siegel |
| 9257 | % |
| 9258 | "Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." |
| 9259 | -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" |
| 9260 | % |
| 9261 | "Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of |
| 9262 | which I disapprove." |
| 9263 | % |
| 9264 | "Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility" |
| 9265 | -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie |
| 9266 | % |
| 9267 | "Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it |
| 9268 | weren't for other people" |
| 9269 | -- Blore |
| 9270 | % |
| 9271 | Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. |
| 9272 | % |
| 9273 | Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made |
| 9274 | sense from things she found in gift shops. |
| 9275 | -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. |
| 9276 | % |
| 9277 | Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking |
| 9278 | for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. |
| 9279 | -- Alan McKay |
| 9280 | % |
| 9281 | Limericks are art forms complex, |
| 9282 | Their topics run chiefly to sex. |
| 9283 | They usually have virgins, |
| 9284 | And masculine urgin's, |
| 9285 | And other erotic effects. |
| 9286 | % |
| 9287 | Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. |
| 9288 | Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946. |
| 9289 | |
| 9290 | Lincoln was elected president in November 1860. |
| 9291 | Kennedy in November 1960. |
| 9292 | |
| 9293 | Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to |
| 9294 | the theatre. |
| 9295 | Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going |
| 9296 | to Dallas. |
| 9297 | |
| 9298 | Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse. |
| 9299 | Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre. |
| 9300 | |
| 9301 | Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. |
| 9302 | Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. |
| 9303 | |
| 9304 | The first Johnson was born in 1808. |
| 9305 | The second Johnson was born in 1908. |
| 9306 | |
| 9307 | -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001 |
| 9308 | % |
| 9309 | Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. |
| 9310 | % |
| 9311 | Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe |
| 9312 | we should think only about today. |
| 9313 | Charlie Brown: |
| 9314 | No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get |
| 9315 | better. |
| 9316 | % |
| 9317 | Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. |
| 9318 | -- Candice Bergen |
| 9319 | % |
| 9320 | Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip |
| 9321 | around the Sun. |
| 9322 | % |
| 9323 | Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted |
| 9324 | before. |
| 9325 | % |
| 9326 | Lizzie Borden took an axe, |
| 9327 | And plunged it deep into the VAX; |
| 9328 | Don't you envy people who |
| 9329 | Do all the things ___\b\b\bYOU want to do? |
| 9330 | % |
| 9331 | Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these |
| 9332 | interest rates, we don't need it." |
| 9333 | % |
| 9334 | Lobster: |
| 9335 | Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are |
| 9336 | squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the |
| 9337 | only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to |
| 9338 | eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial |
| 9339 | before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most |
| 9340 | ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime |
| 9341 | in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its |
| 9342 | unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of |
| 9343 | the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, |
| 9344 | "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a |
| 9345 | memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe |
| 9346 | at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. |
| 9347 | Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, |
| 9348 | too. |
| 9349 | -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils |
| 9350 | into Excuses and Apologies" |
| 9351 | % |
| 9352 | Lockwood's Long Shot: |
| 9353 | The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't |
| 9354 | one in a million, but once would be enough. |
| 9355 | % |
| 9356 | Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____\b\b\b\b\bawful*. |
| 9357 | % |
| 9358 | Logicians have but ill defined |
| 9359 | As rational the human kind. |
| 9360 | Logic, they say, belongs to man, |
| 9361 | But let them prove it if they can. |
| 9362 | -- Oliver Goldsmith |
| 9363 | % |
| 9364 | Look out! Behind you!\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a |
| 9365 | % |
| 9366 | Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us |
| 9367 | to pay income taxes, too? |
| 9368 | -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox |
| 9369 | % |
| 9370 | Loose bits sink chips. |
| 9371 | % |
| 9372 | Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, |
| 9373 | BOOGA!" |
| 9374 | % |
| 9375 | Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. |
| 9376 | % |
| 9377 | Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in |
| 9378 | Halstead, Kansas. |
| 9379 | % |
| 9380 | Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. |
| 9381 | % |
| 9382 | Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the |
| 9383 | world has ever seen. |
| 9384 | % |
| 9385 | Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. |
| 9386 | -- Sigmund Freud |
| 9387 | % |
| 9388 | "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it |
| 9389 | flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." |
| 9390 | -- Matt Groening |
| 9391 | % |
| 9392 | Love is a word that is constantly heard, |
| 9393 | Hate is a word that is not. |
| 9394 | Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. |
| 9395 | Love, I have read, is hot. |
| 9396 | But hate is the verb that to me is superb, |
| 9397 | And Love but a drug on the mart. |
| 9398 | Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, |
| 9399 | But Hating, my boy, is an Art. |
| 9400 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 9401 | % |
| 9402 | "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with |
| 9403 | the ideal never goes unpunished." |
| 9404 | -- Goethe |
| 9405 | % |
| 9406 | Love is sentimental measles. |
| 9407 | % |
| 9408 | Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. |
| 9409 | -- H. L. Mencken |
| 9410 | % |
| 9411 | Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. |
| 9412 | % |
| 9413 | Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. |
| 9414 | -- Louise Beal |
| 9415 | % |
| 9416 | Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up |
| 9417 | to. |
| 9418 | % |
| 9419 | Lowery's Law: |
| 9420 | If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing |
| 9421 | anyway. |
| 9422 | % |
| 9423 | LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. |
| 9424 | % |
| 9425 | Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: |
| 9426 | There's always one more bug. |
| 9427 | % |
| 9428 | Lunatic Asylum, n.: |
| 9429 | The place where optimism most flourishes. |
| 9430 | % |
| 9431 | Lysistrata had a good idea. |
| 9432 | % |
| 9433 | "MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into |
| 9434 | the smallest amount of thoughts." |
| 9435 | -- Winston Churchill |
| 9436 | % |
| 9437 | Machine-Independent, adj.: |
| 9438 | Does not run on any existing machine. |
| 9439 | % |
| 9440 | Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, |
| 9441 | and play games -- but not with pleasure. |
| 9442 | -- Leo Rosten |
| 9443 | % |
| 9444 | Mad, adj.: |
| 9445 | Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... |
| 9446 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 9447 | % |
| 9448 | Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them |
| 9449 | first for seven hours, they always come out tender. |
| 9450 | -- W. C. Fields |
| 9451 | % |
| 9452 | MAFIA, n: |
| 9453 | [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance |
| 9454 | Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore |
| 9455 | subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is |
| 9456 | rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy |
| 9457 | reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP |
| 9458 | operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that |
| 9459 | MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped |
| 9460 | variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex |
| 9461 | security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a |
| 9462 | more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an |
| 9463 | imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES |
| 9464 | options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. |
| 9465 | Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a |
| 9466 | powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and |
| 9467 | entire nodal aggravations. |
| 9468 | -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" |
| 9469 | % |
| 9470 | Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism |
| 9471 | |
| 9472 | Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. |
| 9473 | |
| 9474 | The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works |
| 9475 | of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject |
| 9476 | with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human |
| 9477 | knowledge. |
| 9478 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 9479 | % |
| 9480 | Magnocartic, adj.: |
| 9481 | Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping |
| 9482 | carts. |
| 9483 | -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" |
| 9484 | % |
| 9485 | Magpie, n.: |
| 9486 | A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it |
| 9487 | might be taught to talk. |
| 9488 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 9489 | % |
| 9490 | Maier's Law: |
| 9491 | If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed |
| 9492 | of. |
| 9493 | |
| 9494 | Corollaries: |
| 9495 | (1) The bigger the theory, the better. |
| 9496 | (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than |
| 9497 | 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to |
| 9498 | obtain a correspondence with the theory. |
| 9499 | % |
| 9500 | Main's Law: |
| 9501 | For every action there is an equal and opposite government |
| 9502 | program. |
| 9503 | % |
| 9504 | Maintainer's Motto: |
| 9505 | If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. |
| 9506 | % |
| 9507 | Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly |
| 9508 | as one man. |
| 9509 | |
| 9510 | Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. |
| 9511 | |
| 9512 | Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. |
| 9513 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 9514 | % |
| 9515 | Majority, n.: |
| 9516 | That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. |
| 9517 | % |
| 9518 | Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! |
| 9519 | % |
| 9520 | Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users |
| 9521 | tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It |
| 9522 | has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is |
| 9523 | the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. |
| 9524 | -- System V.2 administrator's guide |
| 9525 | % |
| 9526 | Malek's Law: |
| 9527 | Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. |
| 9528 | % |
| 9529 | Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good |
| 9530 | joke?" |
| 9531 | |
| 9532 | Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- |
| 9533 | |
| 9534 | Man 1: ______\b\b\b\b\b\bTIMING! |
| 9535 | % |
| 9536 | "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." |
| 9537 | -- Lily Tomlin |
| 9538 | % |
| 9539 | Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called |
| 9540 | upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. |
| 9541 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 9542 | % |
| 9543 | Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the |
| 9544 | only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. |
| 9545 | -- Wernher von Braun |
| 9546 | % |
| 9547 | Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. |
| 9548 | -- Mark Twain |
| 9549 | % |
| 9550 | Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the |
| 9551 | victims he intends to eat until he eats them. |
| 9552 | -- Samuel Butler |
| 9553 | % |
| 9554 | Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the |
| 9555 | victims he intends to eat until he eats them. |
| 9556 | -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) |
| 9557 | % |
| 9558 | Man, n.: |
| 9559 | An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks |
| 9560 | he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief |
| 9561 | occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, |
| 9562 | however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole |
| 9563 | habitable earth and Canada. |
| 9564 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 9565 | % |
| 9566 | Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it |
| 9567 | is an enemy. |
| 9568 | -- Albert Einstein |
| 9569 | % |
| 9570 | Mandrell: "You know what I think?" |
| 9571 | Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you |
| 9572 | don't think, right?" |
| 9573 | -- Dr. Who |
| 9574 | % |
| 9575 | Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, |
| 9576 | dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive |
| 9577 | man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the |
| 9578 | air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first |
| 9579 | primitive umpire. |
| 9580 | |
| 9581 | What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as |
| 9582 | mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. |
| 9583 | -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" |
| 9584 | % |
| 9585 | Manual, n.: |
| 9586 | A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a |
| 9587 | given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The |
| 9588 | information you need in in the others. |
| 9589 | -- Ray Simard |
| 9590 | % |
| 9591 | Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, |
| 9592 | there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he |
| 9593 | was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how |
| 9594 | completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... |
| 9595 | -- Walt Kelly |
| 9596 | % |
| 9597 | Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: |
| 9598 | Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a |
| 9599 | simple yes or no answer. |
| 9600 | % |
| 9601 | Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. |
| 9602 | -- Voltaire |
| 9603 | % |
| 9604 | Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on |
| 9605 | the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam |
| 9606 | dancing. |
| 9607 | -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 |
| 9608 | % |
| 9609 | Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. |
| 9610 | -- Malcolm Smith |
| 9611 | % |
| 9612 | Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. |
| 9613 | -- R. Drabek |
| 9614 | % |
| 9615 | Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they |
| 9616 | translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something |
| 9617 | entirely different. |
| 9618 | -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe |
| 9619 | % |
| 9620 | Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is |
| 9621 | described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can |
| 9622 | play. |
| 9623 | -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by |
| 9624 | James Blish |
| 9625 | % |
| 9626 | "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence." |
| 9627 | % |
| 9628 | Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a |
| 9629 | receipt. |
| 9630 | % |
| 9631 | Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. |
| 9632 | -- Jules Feiffer |
| 9633 | % |
| 9634 | May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts |
| 9635 | % |
| 9636 | May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! |
| 9637 | % |
| 9638 | May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. |
| 9639 | % |
| 9640 | May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a |
| 9641 | Thousand Caramels. |
| 9642 | % |
| 9643 | Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. |
| 9644 | -- R. S. Barton |
| 9645 | % |
| 9646 | Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge |
| 9647 | it. |
| 9648 | % |
| 9649 | McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: |
| 9650 | If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not |
| 9651 | $19.95. |
| 9652 | % |
| 9653 | Meader's Law: |
| 9654 | Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to |
| 9655 | everyone you know, only more so. |
| 9656 | % |
| 9657 | Meeting, n.: |
| 9658 | An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or |
| 9659 | department not represented in the room must solve a problem. |
| 9660 | % |
| 9661 | Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures |
| 9662 | from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha |
| 9663 | Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man |
| 9664 | had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. |
| 9665 | -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams |
| 9666 | % |
| 9667 | Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: |
| 9668 | The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. |
| 9669 | % |
| 9670 | Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: |
| 9671 | The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the |
| 9672 | cork makes when it is popped. |
| 9673 | % |
| 9674 | Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: |
| 9675 | All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. |
| 9676 | % |
| 9677 | Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: |
| 9678 | Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that |
| 9679 | is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can |
| 9680 | never hope to acquire it. |
| 9681 | % |
| 9682 | Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and |
| 9683 | it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin |
| 9684 | very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently |
| 9685 | tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... |
| 9686 | [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important |
| 9687 | world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the |
| 9688 | next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] |
| 9689 | ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your |
| 9690 | cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of |
| 9691 | billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even |
| 9692 | more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a |
| 9693 | fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the |
| 9694 | older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and |
| 9695 | obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the |
| 9696 | window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger |
| 9697 | hotshot cells moving up from below. |
| 9698 | -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" |
| 9699 | % |
| 9700 | Menu, n.: |
| 9701 | A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. |
| 9702 | % |
| 9703 | Meskimen's Law: |
| 9704 | There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to |
| 9705 | do it over. |
| 9706 | % |
| 9707 | MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. |
| 9708 | % |
| 9709 | Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. |
| 9710 | % |
| 9711 | methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- |
| 9712 | ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- |
| 9713 | phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- |
| 9714 | taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- |
| 9715 | glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- |
| 9716 | nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- |
| 9717 | minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- |
| 9718 | cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- |
| 9719 | leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- |
| 9720 | cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- |
| 9721 | lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- |
| 9722 | sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- |
| 9723 | cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- |
| 9724 | nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- |
| 9725 | nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- |
| 9726 | partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- |
| 9727 | glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- |
| 9728 | valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- |
| 9729 | cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- |
| 9730 | nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- |
| 9731 | rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- |
| 9732 | glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- |
| 9733 | sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- |
| 9734 | lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- |
| 9735 | glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: |
| 9736 | The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a |
| 9737 | 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. |
| 9738 | -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and |
| 9739 | % |
| 9740 | Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. |
| 9741 | % |
| 9742 | Micro Credo: |
| 9743 | Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. |
| 9744 | % |
| 9745 | "Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been |
| 9746 | watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." |
| 9747 | % |
| 9748 | "Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you |
| 9749 | out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles." |
| 9750 | % |
| 9751 | Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" |
| 9752 | Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO |
| 9753 | inconsiderate." |
| 9754 | -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" |
| 9755 | % |
| 9756 | Miksch's Law: |
| 9757 | If a string has one end, then it has another end. |
| 9758 | % |
| 9759 | Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. |
| 9760 | -- Groucho Marx |
| 9761 | % |
| 9762 | Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. |
| 9763 | -- Groucho Marx |
| 9764 | % |
| 9765 | Millihelen, adj: |
| 9766 | The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. |
| 9767 | % |
| 9768 | Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with |
| 9769 | themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. |
| 9770 | -- Susan Ertz |
| 9771 | % |
| 9772 | Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that |
| 9773 | politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum |
| 9774 | and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they |
| 9775 | are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to |
| 9776 | rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all |
| 9777 | the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert |
| 9778 | Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert |
| 9779 | Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when |
| 9780 | Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the |
| 9781 | black. |
| 9782 | -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" |
| 9783 | % |
| 9784 | Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there |
| 9785 | is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, |
| 9786 | myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in |
| 9787 | the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my |
| 9788 | unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You |
| 9789 | will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as |
| 9790 | dead as a door-nail. |
| 9791 | % |
| 9792 | Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. |
| 9793 | % |
| 9794 | Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap |
| 9795 | pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. |
| 9796 | % |
| 9797 | Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. |
| 9798 | % |
| 9799 | Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. |
| 9800 | -- Russell Baker |
| 9801 | % |
| 9802 | Misfortune, n.: |
| 9803 | The kind of fortune that never misses. |
| 9804 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 9805 | % |
| 9806 | Miss, n.: |
| 9807 | A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that |
| 9808 | they are in the market. |
| 9809 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 9810 | % |
| 9811 | Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. |
| 9812 | % |
| 9813 | Mitchell's Law of Committees: |
| 9814 | Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are |
| 9815 | held to discuss it. |
| 9816 | % |
| 9817 | MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) |
| 9818 | |
| 9819 | Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers |
| 9820 | 2 cups water 2 cups sugar |
| 9821 | 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice |
| 9822 | Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine |
| 9823 | Cinnamon |
| 9824 | |
| 9825 | Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break |
| 9826 | RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar |
| 9827 | and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon |
| 9828 | juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously |
| 9829 | with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top |
| 9830 | crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let |
| 9831 | steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust |
| 9832 | is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. |
| 9833 | -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box |
| 9834 | % |
| 9835 | Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. |
| 9836 | % |
| 9837 | Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked |
| 9838 | him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just |
| 9839 | last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew |
| 9840 | better. |
| 9841 | % |
| 9842 | Molecule, n.: |
| 9843 | The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished |
| 9844 | from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a |
| 9845 | closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of |
| 9846 | matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the |
| 9847 | atom in that it is an ion ... |
| 9848 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 9849 | % |
| 9850 | Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: |
| 9851 | If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented |
| 9852 | it wasn't worth doing. |
| 9853 | % |
| 9854 | Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. |
| 9855 | % |
| 9856 | Monday, n.: |
| 9857 | In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. |
| 9858 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 9859 | % |
| 9860 | Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. |
| 9861 | % |
| 9862 | Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots |
| 9863 | % |
| 9864 | Money is the root of all wealth. |
| 9865 | % |
| 9866 | Moon, n.: |
| 9867 | 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to |
| 9868 | hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). |
| 9869 | % |
| 9870 | Mophobia, n.: |
| 9871 | Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. |
| 9872 | % |
| 9873 | More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One |
| 9874 | path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total |
| 9875 | extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. |
| 9876 | -- Woody Allen |
| 9877 | % |
| 9878 | Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: |
| 9879 | Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd |
| 9880 | be out of a job. |
| 9881 | % |
| 9882 | Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex |
| 9883 | because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs |
| 9884 | and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little |
| 9885 | eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around |
| 9886 | and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the |
| 9887 | female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just |
| 9888 | dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven |
| 9889 | by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the |
| 9890 | truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of |
| 9891 | them that it doesn't make any difference. |
| 9892 | -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every |
| 9893 | Teen Should Know" |
| 9894 | % |
| 9895 | Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently |
| 9896 | than they do. |
| 9897 | -- Turgenev |
| 9898 | % |
| 9899 | Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. |
| 9900 | -- Frank Zappa |
| 9901 | % |
| 9902 | Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. |
| 9903 | -- Arnold Bennett |
| 9904 | % |
| 9905 | Mother is the invention of necessity. |
| 9906 | % |
| 9907 | Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. |
| 9908 | % |
| 9909 | Mr. Cole's Axiom: |
| 9910 | The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the |
| 9911 | population is growing. |
| 9912 | % |
| 9913 | "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) |
| 9914 | "365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old |
| 9915 | Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his |
| 9916 | pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes |
| 9917 | in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be |
| 9918 | in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, |
| 9919 | 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic |
| 9920 | computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much |
| 9921 | fun to watch. |
| 9922 | -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) |
| 9923 | % |
| 9924 | Murphy's Discovery: |
| 9925 | Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to |
| 9926 | women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything |
| 9927 | will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in |
| 9928 | trouble! |
| 9929 | % |
| 9930 | Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't |
| 9931 | work. |
| 9932 | % |
| 9933 | Murphy's Law of Research: |
| 9934 | Enough research will tend to support your theory. |
| 9935 | % |
| 9936 | "Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..." |
| 9937 | -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" |
| 9938 | % |
| 9939 | Mustgo, n.: |
| 9940 | Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so |
| 9941 | long it has become a science project. |
| 9942 | -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" |
| 9943 | % |
| 9944 | "My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on |
| 9945 | it." |
| 9946 | -- "Grendel", by John Gardner |
| 9947 | % |
| 9948 | My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I |
| 9949 | threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. |
| 9950 | First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the |
| 9951 | frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up |
| 9952 | the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed |
| 9953 | forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier |
| 9954 | perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through |
| 9955 | the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative |
| 9956 | crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a |
| 9957 | symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state |
| 9958 | in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I |
| 9959 | really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded |
| 9960 | OK. |
| 9961 | -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" |
| 9962 | % |
| 9963 | "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless |
| 9964 | there are three other people." |
| 9965 | -- Orson Welles |
| 9966 | % |
| 9967 | My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand |
| 9968 | times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and |
| 9969 | sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right |
| 9970 | through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever |
| 9971 | listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just |
| 9972 | log out again. |
| 9973 | % |
| 9974 | "My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?" |
| 9975 | -- MadameX |
| 9976 | % |
| 9977 | My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, |
| 9978 | And a wild young wood-thing bore him! |
| 9979 | The ways are fair to his roaming feet, |
| 9980 | And the skies are sunlit for him. |
| 9981 | As sharply sweet to my heart he seems |
| 9982 | As the fragrance of acacia. |
| 9983 | My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- |
| 9984 | And I wish he were in Asia. |
| 9985 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 9986 | % |
| 9987 | My love runs by like a day in June, |
| 9988 | And he makes no friends of sorrows. |
| 9989 | He'll tread his galloping rigadoon |
| 9990 | In the pathway or the morrows. |
| 9991 | He'll live his days where the sunbeams start |
| 9992 | Nor could storm or wind uproot him. |
| 9993 | My own dear love, he is all my heart -- |
| 9994 | And I wish somebody'd shoot him. |
| 9995 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 9996 | % |
| 9997 | My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been |
| 9998 | one. |
| 9999 | -- Groucho Marx |
| 10000 | % |
| 10001 | My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. |
| 10002 | % |
| 10003 | My own dear love, he is strong and bold |
| 10004 | And he cares not what comes after. |
| 10005 | His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, |
| 10006 | And his eyes are lit with laughter. |
| 10007 | He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- |
| 10008 | Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. |
| 10009 | My own dear love, he is all my world -- |
| 10010 | And I wish I'd never met him. |
| 10011 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 10012 | % |
| 10013 | "My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling |
| 10014 | Alley!!" |
| 10015 | -- Zippy the Pinhead |
| 10016 | % |
| 10017 | My pen is at the bottom of a page, |
| 10018 | Which, being finished, here the story ends; |
| 10019 | 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, |
| 10020 | But stories somehow lengthen when begun. |
| 10021 | -- Byron |
| 10022 | % |
| 10023 | My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not |
| 10024 | signed. |
| 10025 | -- Christopher Morley |
| 10026 | % |
| 10027 | "My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies" |
| 10028 | % |
| 10029 | Mythology, n.: |
| 10030 | The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its |
| 10031 | origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished |
| 10032 | from the true accounts which it invents later. |
| 10033 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 10034 | % |
| 10035 | Naeser's Law: |
| 10036 | You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it |
| 10037 | damnfoolproof. |
| 10038 | % |
| 10039 | NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he |
| 10040 | says is wrong. |
| 10041 | GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says |
| 10042 | will be right. |
| 10043 | -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" |
| 10044 | % |
| 10045 | Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant |
| 10046 | said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next |
| 10047 | time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone |
| 10048 | might steal it." |
| 10049 | % |
| 10050 | Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the |
| 10051 | villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," |
| 10052 | said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the |
| 10053 | villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The |
| 10054 | remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he |
| 10055 | said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of |
| 10056 | my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually |
| 10057 | spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. |
| 10058 | % |
| 10059 | Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to |
| 10060 | serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk |
| 10061 | into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" |
| 10062 | "Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" |
| 10063 | % |
| 10064 | Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful |
| 10065 | than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the |
| 10066 | light more." |
| 10067 | % |
| 10068 | Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver |
| 10069 | pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of |
| 10070 | meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, |
| 10071 | "Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without |
| 10072 | the recipe?" |
| 10073 | % |
| 10074 | Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of |
| 10075 | scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. |
| 10076 | -- Mary Ellen Kelly |
| 10077 | % |
| 10078 | Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of |
| 10079 | conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the |
| 10080 | fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he |
| 10081 | is most likely to be creamed? |
| 10082 | -- Solomon Short |
| 10083 | % |
| 10084 | Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, |
| 10085 | God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. |
| 10086 | |
| 10087 | It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! |
| 10088 | Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. |
| 10089 | % |
| 10090 | Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it |
| 10091 | cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. |
| 10092 | -- Fran Leibowitz |
| 10093 | % |
| 10094 | Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's |
| 10095 | character, give him power. |
| 10096 | -- Abraham Lincoln |
| 10097 | % |
| 10098 | Necessity is a mother. |
| 10099 | % |
| 10100 | Neckties strangle clear thinking. |
| 10101 | -- Lin Yutang |
| 10102 | % |
| 10103 | Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. |
| 10104 | % |
| 10105 | Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. |
| 10106 | % |
| 10107 | Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. |
| 10108 | % |
| 10109 | Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off |
| 10110 | % |
| 10111 | Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled |
| 10112 | with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to |
| 10113 | change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually |
| 10114 | fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators |
| 10115 | have windows. |
| 10116 | % |
| 10117 | Never eat more than you can lift. |
| 10118 | -- Miss Piggy |
| 10119 | % |
| 10120 | Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. |
| 10121 | % |
| 10122 | Never let your schooling interfere with your education. |
| 10123 | % |
| 10124 | Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. |
| 10125 | -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" |
| 10126 | % |
| 10127 | Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to |
| 10128 | make it complex and wonderful. |
| 10129 | % |
| 10130 | Never offend people with style when you can offend them with |
| 10131 | substance. |
| 10132 | -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 |
| 10133 | % |
| 10134 | Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. |
| 10135 | % |
| 10136 | Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a |
| 10137 | law against it by that time. |
| 10138 | % |
| 10139 | Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. |
| 10140 | % |
| 10141 | Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. |
| 10142 | % |
| 10143 | Never try to outstubborn a cat. |
| 10144 | -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" |
| 10145 | % |
| 10146 | Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. |
| 10147 | -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS |
| 10148 | % |
| 10149 | "Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon." |
| 10150 | % |
| 10151 | Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's |
| 10152 | supposed to do. |
| 10153 | -- R. A. Heinlein |
| 10154 | % |
| 10155 | New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. |
| 10156 | % |
| 10157 | New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in |
| 10158 | any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. |
| 10159 | % |
| 10160 | New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of |
| 10161 | Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. |
| 10162 | % |
| 10163 | New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. |
| 10164 | -- Monty Python's Big Red Book |
| 10165 | % |
| 10166 | New systems generate new problems. |
| 10167 | % |
| 10168 | New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and |
| 10169 | his wife most often reminds him to act it. |
| 10170 | -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary |
| 10171 | % |
| 10172 | New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. |
| 10173 | % |
| 10174 | New York's got the ways and means; |
| 10175 | Just won't let you be. |
| 10176 | -- The Grateful Dead |
| 10177 | % |
| 10178 | Newlan's Truism: |
| 10179 | An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government |
| 10180 | economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. |
| 10181 | % |
| 10182 | NEWS FLASH!! |
| 10183 | Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West |
| 10184 | German pole-vault champion. |
| 10185 | % |
| 10186 | Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. |
| 10187 | % |
| 10188 | Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: |
| 10189 | A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. |
| 10190 | % |
| 10191 | Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't |
| 10192 | have a lucky day this year. |
| 10193 | % |
| 10194 | Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying |
| 10195 | as an income tax refund. |
| 10196 | -- F. J. Raymond |
| 10197 | % |
| 10198 | "Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice." |
| 10199 | -- Foghorn Leghorn |
| 10200 | % |
| 10201 | Nihilism should commence with oneself. |
| 10202 | % |
| 10203 | Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name |
| 10204 | correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into |
| 10205 | (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but |
| 10206 | Americans call him by value. |
| 10207 | % |
| 10208 | Nine megs for the secretaries fair, |
| 10209 | Seven megs for the hackers scarce, |
| 10210 | Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, |
| 10211 | Three megs for system source; |
| 10212 | |
| 10213 | One disk to rule them all, |
| 10214 | One disk to bind them, |
| 10215 | One disk to hold the files |
| 10216 | And in the darkness grind 'em. |
| 10217 | % |
| 10218 | Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes |
| 10219 | And tapes without any tracks; |
| 10220 | Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes |
| 10221 | And tapes mixed up on the racks -- |
| 10222 | Take hold of the tape |
| 10223 | And pull off the strip, |
| 10224 | And then you'll be sure |
| 10225 | Your tape drive will skip. |
| 10226 | |
| 10227 | -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes |
| 10228 | % |
| 10229 | "Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they |
| 10230 | would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect |
| 10231 | that much." |
| 10232 | -- Augustine |
| 10233 | % |
| 10234 | Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: |
| 10235 | The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of |
| 10236 | the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. |
| 10237 | % |
| 10238 | "Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends |
| 10239 | hang out. |
| 10240 | -- Zonker Harris |
| 10241 | % |
| 10242 | No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless |
| 10243 | absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. |
| 10244 | -- Fran Lebowitz |
| 10245 | % |
| 10246 | No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a |
| 10247 | camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform |
| 10248 | effectively under such difficult conditions. |
| 10249 | -- Laurence J. Peter |
| 10250 | % |
| 10251 | "No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" |
| 10252 | -- Dr. Who |
| 10253 | % |
| 10254 | No good deed goes unpunished. |
| 10255 | -- Clare Boothe Luce |
| 10256 | % |
| 10257 | No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after |
| 10258 | eating one peanut. |
| 10259 | -- Channing Pollock |
| 10260 | % |
| 10261 | No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. |
| 10262 | % |
| 10263 | No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will |
| 10264 | seriously cramp his style. |
| 10265 | % |
| 10266 | No matter what other nations may say about the United States, |
| 10267 | immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. |
| 10268 | % |
| 10269 | No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. |
| 10270 | -- Eleanor Roosevelt |
| 10271 | % |
| 10272 | "No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid." |
| 10273 | % |
| 10274 | No one has a higher opinion of him than he has. |
| 10275 | -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999 |
| 10276 | % |
| 10277 | No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval |
| 10278 | system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of |
| 10279 | the author. |
| 10280 | -- Chris Shaw |
| 10281 | % |
| 10282 | No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- |
| 10283 | He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. |
| 10284 | Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame |
| 10285 | And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. |
| 10286 | CHORUS: |
| 10287 | Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, |
| 10288 | And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. |
| 10289 | Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, |
| 10290 | And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. |
| 10291 | Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails |
| 10292 | And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. |
| 10293 | All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff |
| 10294 | But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" |
| 10295 | (chorus) |
| 10296 | Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. |
| 10297 | The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. |
| 10298 | A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, |
| 10299 | But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! |
| 10300 | (chorus) |
| 10301 | % |
| 10302 | No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. |
| 10303 | % |
| 10304 | No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. |
| 10305 | % |
| 10306 | "No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied |
| 10307 | occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an |
| 10308 | indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining |
| 10309 | occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as |
| 10310 | an indication-applied occurrence." |
| 10311 | -- ALGOL 68 Report |
| 10312 | % |
| 10313 | "No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of |
| 10314 | paper." |
| 10315 | -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was |
| 10316 | taken over by Rupert Murdoch |
| 10317 | % |
| 10318 | Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing |
| 10319 | it. |
| 10320 | -- Tallulah Bankhead |
| 10321 | % |
| 10322 | NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION |
| 10323 | % |
| 10324 | Nobody said computers were going to be polite. |
| 10325 | % |
| 10326 | Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in |
| 10327 | order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the |
| 10328 | substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young |
| 10329 | and rob the old. |
| 10330 | -- Lewis Lapham |
| 10331 | % |
| 10332 | Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with |
| 10333 | constructive praise. |
| 10334 | % |
| 10335 | Noncombatant, n.: |
| 10336 | A dead Quaker. |
| 10337 | -- Ambrose Bierce |
| 10338 | % |
| 10339 | Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. |
| 10340 | % |
| 10341 | Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: |
| 10342 | Negative expectations yield negative results. |
| 10343 | Positive expectations yield negative results. |
| 10344 | % |
| 10345 | Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. |
| 10346 | % |
| 10347 | Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. |
| 10348 | % |
| 10349 | Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the |
| 10350 | Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats |
| 10351 | in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the |
| 10352 | moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a |
| 10353 | dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every |
| 10354 | respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside |
| 10355 | it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, |
| 10356 | then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they |
| 10357 | chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... |
| 10358 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" |
| 10359 | % |
| 10360 | "Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none." |
| 10361 | -- Shakespeare |
| 10362 | % |
| 10363 | "Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper |
| 10364 | is from the wrong kind of tree." |
| 10365 | -- Professor W. |
| 10366 | % |
| 10367 | Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter |
| 10368 | of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund |
| 10369 | is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- |
| 10370 | unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is |
| 10371 | careful not to make any poultry jokes ... |
| 10372 | -- Woody Allen |
| 10373 | % |
| 10374 | Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. |
| 10375 | % |
| 10376 | Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. |
| 10377 | % |
| 10378 | Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... |
| 10379 | |
| 10380 | To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the |
| 10381 | light comes on. |
| 10382 | % |
| 10383 | Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. |
| 10384 | -- Andrew Young |
| 10385 | % |
| 10386 | Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires |
| 10387 | tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. |
| 10388 | -- Nero Wolfe |
| 10389 | % |
| 10390 | Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. |
| 10391 | Conscience makes egotists of us all. |
| 10392 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 10393 | % |
| 10394 | Nothing recedes like success. |
| 10395 | -- Walter Winchell |
| 10396 | % |
| 10397 | Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited |
| 10398 | love. |
| 10399 | -- Charlie Brown |
| 10400 | % |
| 10401 | November, n.: |
| 10402 | The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. |
| 10403 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 10404 | % |
| 10405 | Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. |
| 10406 | % |
| 10407 | Now I lay me down to sleep |
| 10408 | I pray the double lock will keep; |
| 10409 | May no brick through the window break, |
| 10410 | And, no one rob me till I awake. |
| 10411 | % |
| 10412 | "Now is the time for all good men to come to." |
| 10413 | -- Walt Kelly |
| 10414 | % |
| 10415 | Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next |
| 10416 | time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV |
| 10417 | to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for |
| 10418 | eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself |
| 10419 | the following questions: |
| 10420 | |
| 10421 | (1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a |
| 10422 | food? |
| 10423 | (2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich |
| 10424 | exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? |
| 10425 | (3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as |
| 10426 | prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with |
| 10427 | double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living |
| 10428 | right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like |
| 10429 | longer.) |
| 10430 | |
| 10431 | That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. |
| 10432 | % |
| 10433 | "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called |
| 10434 | Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that |
| 10435 | were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..." |
| 10436 | -- "The Begatting of a President" |
| 10437 | % |
| 10438 | "Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a |
| 10439 | smurfette." |
| 10440 | -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 |
| 10441 | % |
| 10442 | [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. |
| 10443 | -- Edwin Meese III |
| 10444 | % |
| 10445 | "Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." |
| 10446 | -- Karl Lehenbauer |
| 10447 | % |
| 10448 | "Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of |
| 10449 | normal routines, for children and adults alike." |
| 10450 | -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" |
| 10451 | % |
| 10452 | "Nuclear war would really set back cable." |
| 10453 | -- Ted Turner |
| 10454 | % |
| 10455 | Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. |
| 10456 | % |
| 10457 | (null cookie; hope that's ok) |
| 10458 | % |
| 10459 | Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're |
| 10460 | guessing. |
| 10461 | % |
| 10462 | O give me a home, |
| 10463 | Where the buffalo roam, |
| 10464 | Where the deer and the antelope play, |
| 10465 | Where seldom is heard |
| 10466 | A discouraging word, |
| 10467 | 'Cause what can an antelope say? |
| 10468 | % |
| 10469 | Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the |
| 10470 | reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest |
| 10471 | amount of hot air. |
| 10472 | -- Thomas L. Martin |
| 10473 | % |
| 10474 | Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. |
| 10475 | -- Plato |
| 10476 | % |
| 10477 | Of all the words of witch's doom |
| 10478 | There's none so bad as which and whom. |
| 10479 | The man who kills both which and whom |
| 10480 | Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. |
| 10481 | -- Fletcher Knebel |
| 10482 | % |
| 10483 | "Of ______\b\b\b\b\b\bcourse it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a |
| 10484 | fake?" |
| 10485 | % |
| 10486 | "Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power |
| 10487 | tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..." |
| 10488 | -- Crazy Nigel |
| 10489 | % |
| 10490 | Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. |
| 10491 | % |
| 10492 | Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. |
| 10493 | And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a |
| 10494 | blazer. |
| 10495 | % |
| 10496 | Office Automation, n.: |
| 10497 | The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone |
| 10498 | you would want to talk with over coffee. |
| 10499 | % |
| 10500 | Ogden's Law: |
| 10501 | The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch |
| 10502 | up. |
| 10503 | % |
| 10504 | Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! |
| 10505 | % |
| 10506 | Oh don't the days seem lank and long |
| 10507 | When all goes right and none goes wrong, |
| 10508 | And isn't your life extremely flat |
| 10509 | With nothing whatever to grumble at! |
| 10510 | % |
| 10511 | Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay |
| 10512 | I muck with indices and structs all day |
| 10513 | And when it works, I shout hoo-ray |
| 10514 | Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay |
| 10515 | % |
| 10516 | Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd |
| 10517 | be irresponsible, too. |
| 10518 | -- Lichty & Wagner |
| 10519 | % |
| 10520 | Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, |
| 10521 | And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; |
| 10522 | Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth |
| 10523 | Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things |
| 10524 | You have not dreamed of -- |
| 10525 | Wheeled and soared and swung |
| 10526 | High in the sunlit silence. |
| 10527 | Hovering there |
| 10528 | I've chased the shouting wind along and flung |
| 10529 | My eager craft through footless halls of air. |
| 10530 | Up, up along delirious, burning blue |
| 10531 | I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, |
| 10532 | Where never lark, or even eagle flew; |
| 10533 | And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod |
| 10534 | The high untrespassed sanctity of space, |
| 10535 | Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. |
| 10536 | -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" |
| 10537 | % |
| 10538 | Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. |
| 10539 | % |
| 10540 | Oh, when I was in love with you, |
| 10541 | Then I was clean and brave, |
| 10542 | And miles around the wonder grew |
| 10543 | How well did I behave. |
| 10544 | |
| 10545 | And now the fancy passes by, |
| 10546 | And nothing will remain, |
| 10547 | And miles around they'll say that I |
| 10548 | Am quite myself again. |
| 10549 | -- A. E. Housman |
| 10550 | % |
| 10551 | Oh, wow! Look at the moon! |
| 10552 | % |
| 10553 | "OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard." |
| 10554 | -- Dr. Joy |
| 10555 | % |
| 10556 | OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. |
| 10557 | % |
| 10558 | Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. |
| 10559 | -- Trotsky |
| 10560 | % |
| 10561 | Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. |
| 10562 | % |
| 10563 | Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. |
| 10564 | % |
| 10565 | Oliver's Law: |
| 10566 | Experience is something you don't get until just after you need |
| 10567 | it. |
| 10568 | % |
| 10569 | Omnibiblious, adj.: |
| 10570 | Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. |
| 10571 | I'm omnibiblious." |
| 10572 | % |
| 10573 | OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of |
| 10574 | JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O |
| 10575 | as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... |
| 10576 | WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? |
| 10577 | % |
| 10578 | On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: |
| 10579 | |
| 10580 | "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." |
| 10581 | -- Wolfgang Pauli |
| 10582 | % |
| 10583 | On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only |
| 10584 | nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter |
| 10585 | what it does. |
| 10586 | -- Will Rogers |
| 10587 | % |
| 10588 | On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are |
| 10589 | created jerks. |
| 10590 | -- Avery |
| 10591 | % |
| 10592 | On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are |
| 10593 | created jerks. |
| 10594 | -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" |
| 10595 | % |
| 10596 | On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a |
| 10597 | POINT ... |
| 10598 | % |
| 10599 | On the subject of C program indentation: |
| 10600 | |
| 10601 | "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be |
| 10602 | indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." |
| 10603 | -- Blair P. Houghton |
| 10604 | % |
| 10605 | "On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, |
| 10606 | Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right |
| 10607 | answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of |
| 10608 | confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." |
| 10609 | -- Charles Babbage |
| 10610 | % |
| 10611 | Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were |
| 10612 | forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. |
| 10613 | -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" |
| 10614 | % |
| 10615 | Once, adv.: |
| 10616 | Enough. |
| 10617 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 10618 | % |
| 10619 | Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that |
| 10620 | each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his |
| 10621 | choice. |
| 10622 | |
| 10623 | In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians |
| 10624 | called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" |
| 10625 | and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People |
| 10626 | passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy |
| 10627 | Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" |
| 10628 | -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" |
| 10629 | % |
| 10630 | Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, |
| 10631 | Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". |
| 10632 | Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your |
| 10633 | principals or your mistress". |
| 10634 | % |
| 10635 | Once Law was sitting on the bench |
| 10636 | And Mercy knelt a-weeping. |
| 10637 | "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! |
| 10638 | Nor come before me creeping. |
| 10639 | Upon you knees if you appear, |
| 10640 | 'Tis plain you have no standing here." |
| 10641 | |
| 10642 | Then Justice came. His Honor cried: |
| 10643 | "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" |
| 10644 | "Amica curiae," she replied -- |
| 10645 | "Friend of the court, so please you." |
| 10646 | "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- |
| 10647 | I never saw your face before!" |
| 10648 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 10649 | % |
| 10650 | Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human |
| 10651 | beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by |
| 10652 | side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them |
| 10653 | which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the |
| 10654 | sky. |
| 10655 | -- Rainer Rilke |
| 10656 | % |
| 10657 | Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of |
| 10658 | us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of |
| 10659 | the smaller prime numbers. |
| 10660 | |
| 10661 | 2: The Odd Prime -- |
| 10662 | It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED. |
| 10663 | 3: The True Prime -- |
| 10664 | Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." |
| 10665 | 31: The Arbitrary Prime -- |
| 10666 | Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime |
| 10667 | in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 |
| 10668 | received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the |
| 10669 | next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none |
| 10670 | at all. |
| 10671 | |
| 10672 | Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are |
| 10673 | derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but |
| 10674 | true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. |
| 10675 | % |
| 10676 | One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least |
| 10677 | somebody's listening. |
| 10678 | -- Franklin P. Jones |
| 10679 | % |
| 10680 | "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." |
| 10681 | |
| 10682 | Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. |
| 10683 | The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. |
| 10684 | -- Chuq Von Rospach |
| 10685 | % |
| 10686 | One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing |
| 10687 | how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. |
| 10688 | -- Professor Charles P. Issawi |
| 10689 | % |
| 10690 | One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. |
| 10691 | % |
| 10692 | One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell |
| 10693 | the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald |
| 10694 | announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to |
| 10695 | a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The |
| 10696 | captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth |
| 10697 | -- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, |
| 10698 | "to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if |
| 10699 | I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" |
| 10700 | "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." |
| 10701 | % |
| 10702 | One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet |
| 10703 | when well oiled. |
| 10704 | % |
| 10705 | One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they |
| 10706 | never have to stop and answer the phone. |
| 10707 | % |
| 10708 | One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. |
| 10709 | -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) |
| 10710 | % |
| 10711 | One learns to itch where one can scratch. |
| 10712 | -- Ernest Bramah |
| 10713 | % |
| 10714 | One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as |
| 10715 | one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will |
| 10716 | produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to |
| 10717 | represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as |
| 10718 | many ... |
| 10719 | -- Anthony Chevins |
| 10720 | % |
| 10721 | One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. |
| 10722 | % |
| 10723 | One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How |
| 10724 | will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, |
| 10725 | I'll tell you." |
| 10726 | % |
| 10727 | One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. |
| 10728 | % |
| 10729 | One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible |
| 10730 | from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at |
| 10731 | least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts |
| 10732 | are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but |
| 10733 | when He's good, nobody can touch Him. |
| 10734 | -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 |
| 10735 | % |
| 10736 | One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to |
| 10737 | do and always a clever thing to say. |
| 10738 | -- Will Durant |
| 10739 | % |
| 10740 | One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God |
| 10741 | create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bsomebody has to buy |
| 10742 | retail." |
| 10743 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
| 10744 | % |
| 10745 | One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your |
| 10746 | seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best |
| 10747 | way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who |
| 10748 | fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become |
| 10749 | disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. |
| 10750 | % |
| 10751 | One Page Principle: |
| 10752 | A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch |
| 10753 | paper cannot be understood. |
| 10754 | -- Mark Ardis |
| 10755 | % |
| 10756 | "One planet is all you get." |
| 10757 | % |
| 10758 | One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could |
| 10759 | manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that |
| 10760 | they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's |
| 10761 | say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding |
| 10762 | study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by |
| 10763 | sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, |
| 10764 | strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus |
| 10765 | rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also |
| 10766 | be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. |
| 10767 | Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle |
| 10768 | Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save |
| 10769 | millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently |
| 10770 | support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that |
| 10771 | your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members |
| 10772 | of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are |
| 10773 | already too large to fit on normal aircraft. |
| 10774 | -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" |
| 10775 | % |
| 10776 | One reason why George Washington |
| 10777 | Is held in such veneration: |
| 10778 | He never blamed his problems |
| 10779 | On the former Administration. |
| 10780 | -- George O. Ludcke |
| 10781 | % |
| 10782 | One seldom sees a monument to a committee. |
| 10783 | % |
| 10784 | One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh |
| 10785 | paint. |
| 10786 | % |
| 10787 | "One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that |
| 10788 | sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of |
| 10789 | sheer terror." |
| 10790 | -- W. K. Hartmann |
| 10791 | % |
| 10792 | One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a |
| 10793 | new model. |
| 10794 | % |
| 10795 | One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. |
| 10796 | % |
| 10797 | One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned |
| 10798 | at the stake while the votes were being counted. |
| 10799 | -- Thomas B. Reed |
| 10800 | % |
| 10801 | One-Shot Case Study, n.: |
| 10802 | The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which |
| 10803 | it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes |
| 10804 | green. |
| 10805 | % |
| 10806 | On-line, adj.: |
| 10807 | The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a |
| 10808 | computer. |
| 10809 | % |
| 10810 | Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. |
| 10811 | % |
| 10812 | Only God can make random selections. |
| 10813 | % |
| 10814 | Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to |
| 10815 | use the editorial "we." |
| 10816 | % |
| 10817 | Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. |
| 10818 | % |
| 10819 | Optimization hinders evolution. |
| 10820 | % |
| 10821 | Oregano, n.: |
| 10822 | The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. |
| 10823 | % |
| 10824 | Oregon, n.: |
| 10825 | Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday |
| 10826 | night. |
| 10827 | % |
| 10828 | Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry |
| 10829 | is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. |
| 10830 | -- Mike Adams |
| 10831 | % |
| 10832 | Osborn's Law: |
| 10833 | Variables won't; constants aren't. |
| 10834 | % |
| 10835 | Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your |
| 10836 | nails. |
| 10837 | % |
| 10838 | O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: |
| 10839 | Murphy was an optimist. |
| 10840 | % |
| 10841 | Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is |
| 10842 | they charge fifteen cents for them. |
| 10843 | % |
| 10844 | Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the |
| 10845 | office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we |
| 10846 | were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of |
| 10847 | juice. But only *_\b_\bhe* had a lollipop. |
| 10848 | |
| 10849 | He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" |
| 10850 | |
| 10851 | Her reply: |
| 10852 | |
| 10853 | "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it |
| 10854 | means to be a programmer." |
| 10855 | % |
| 10856 | Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. |
| 10857 | Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, |
| 10858 | In kernel as it is in user! |
| 10859 | % |
| 10860 | Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. |
| 10861 | -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries |
| 10862 | % |
| 10863 | "Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." |
| 10864 | -- Alex Schure |
| 10865 | % |
| 10866 | Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. |
| 10867 | -- General Omar N. Bradley |
| 10868 | % |
| 10869 | "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, |
| 10870 | it's too dark to read." |
| 10871 | -- Groucho Marx |
| 10872 | % |
| 10873 | Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now |
| 10874 | I can remember things that *have* happened before ... |
| 10875 | % |
| 10876 | Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! |
| 10877 | % |
| 10878 | Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. |
| 10879 | % |
| 10880 | Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. |
| 10881 | % |
| 10882 | Ozman's Laws: |
| 10883 | (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he |
| 10884 | won't. |
| 10885 | (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they |
| 10886 | make. |
| 10887 | (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. |
| 10888 | (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. |
| 10889 | % |
| 10890 | Painting, n.: |
| 10891 | The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and |
| 10892 | exposing them to the critic. |
| 10893 | -- Ambrose Bierce |
| 10894 | % |
| 10895 | panic: can't find / |
| 10896 | % |
| 10897 | panic: kernel trap (ignored) |
| 10898 | % |
| 10899 | Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much |
| 10900 | better. |
| 10901 | -- Laurie Anderson |
| 10902 | % |
| 10903 | Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. |
| 10904 | % |
| 10905 | Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. |
| 10906 | % |
| 10907 | Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. |
| 10908 | % |
| 10909 | Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to |
| 10910 | criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. |
| 10911 | -- D. J. Hicks |
| 10912 | % |
| 10913 | Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. |
| 10914 | % |
| 10915 | Pardo's First Postulate: |
| 10916 | Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or |
| 10917 | fattening. |
| 10918 | |
| 10919 | Arnold's Addendum: |
| 10920 | Everything else causes cancer in rats. |
| 10921 | % |
| 10922 | Parker's Law: |
| 10923 | Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. |
| 10924 | % |
| 10925 | Parkinson's Fifth Law: |
| 10926 | If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good |
| 10927 | bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. |
| 10928 | % |
| 10929 | Parkinson's Fourth Law: |
| 10930 | The number of people in any working group tends to increase |
| 10931 | regardless of the amount of work to be done. |
| 10932 | % |
| 10933 | Parsley |
| 10934 | is gharsley. |
| 10935 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 10936 | % |
| 10937 | Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. |
| 10938 | % |
| 10939 | "Pascal is not a high-level language." |
| 10940 | -- Steven Feiner |
| 10941 | % |
| 10942 | "Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." |
| 10943 | -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 |
| 10944 | % |
| 10945 | Pascal, n.: |
| 10946 | A programming language named after a man who would turn over in |
| 10947 | his grave if he knew about it. |
| 10948 | % |
| 10949 | Pascal Users: |
| 10950 | To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the |
| 10951 | death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. |
| 10952 | % |
| 10953 | Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. |
| 10954 | -- Eric Hoffer |
| 10955 | % |
| 10956 | Patageometry, n.: |
| 10957 | The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant |
| 10958 | under brain transplants. |
| 10959 | % |
| 10960 | Paul Revere was a tattle-tale |
| 10961 | % |
| 10962 | Paul's Law: |
| 10963 | In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you |
| 10964 | save. |
| 10965 | % |
| 10966 | Paul's Law: |
| 10967 | You can't fall off the floor. |
| 10968 | % |
| 10969 | Peace, n.: |
| 10970 | In international affairs, a period of cheating between two |
| 10971 | periods of fighting. |
| 10972 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 10973 | % |
| 10974 | Peanut Blossoms |
| 10975 | |
| 10976 | 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk |
| 10977 | 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla |
| 10978 | 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour |
| 10979 | 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda |
| 10980 | 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt |
| 10981 | |
| 10982 | Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie |
| 10983 | sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a |
| 10984 | Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a |
| 10985 | hell of a lot. |
| 10986 | % |
| 10987 | Pecor's Health-Food Principle: |
| 10988 | Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in |
| 10989 | it. |
| 10990 | % |
| 10991 | Pedaeration, n.: |
| 10992 | The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the |
| 10993 | sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. |
| 10994 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 10995 | % |
| 10996 | Penguin Trivia #46: |
| 10997 | Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. |
| 10998 | -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 |
| 10999 | % |
| 11000 | People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. |
| 11001 | -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. |
| 11002 | % |
| 11003 | People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of |
| 11004 | the future. |
| 11005 | % |
| 11006 | "People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense." |
| 11007 | -- Ken Kesey |
| 11008 | % |
| 11009 | People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. |
| 11010 | % |
| 11011 | People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better |
| 11012 | press than people who are just funny and smart. |
| 11013 | -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" |
| 11014 | % |
| 11015 | People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never |
| 11016 | slept in a room with a single mosquito. |
| 11017 | % |
| 11018 | People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who |
| 11019 | haven't what they want that they don't want it. |
| 11020 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 11021 | % |
| 11022 | People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that |
| 11023 | Benjamin Franklin said it first. |
| 11024 | % |
| 11025 | People will buy anything that's one to a customer. |
| 11026 | % |
| 11027 | People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they |
| 11028 | did yesterday. |
| 11029 | % |
| 11030 | Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. |
| 11031 | "Confound those who have said our remarks before us." |
| 11032 | -- Aelius Donatus |
| 11033 | % |
| 11034 | Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. |
| 11035 | % |
| 11036 | Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but |
| 11037 | when there is no longer anything to take away. |
| 11038 | -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery |
| 11039 | % |
| 11040 | Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! |
| 11041 | % |
| 11042 | Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.: |
| 11043 | A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events |
| 11044 | emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and |
| 11045 | identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development. |
| 11046 | Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time. |
| 11047 | % |
| 11048 | Peter's Law of Substitution: |
| 11049 | Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after |
| 11050 | themselves. |
| 11051 | % |
| 11052 | Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to |
| 11053 | exciting Camden, New Jersey. |
| 11054 | % |
| 11055 | Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. |
| 11056 | % |
| 11057 | Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. |
| 11058 | -- John Keats |
| 11059 | % |
| 11060 | Pick another fortune cookie. |
| 11061 | % |
| 11062 | "Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional |
| 11063 | hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational |
| 11064 | sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..." |
| 11065 | % |
| 11066 | Pig, n.: |
| 11067 | An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race |
| 11068 | by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is |
| 11069 | inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. |
| 11070 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 11071 | % |
| 11072 | PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) |
| 11073 | You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being |
| 11074 | followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your |
| 11075 | associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack |
| 11076 | confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible |
| 11077 | things to small animals. |
| 11078 | % |
| 11079 | PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) |
| 11080 | Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the |
| 11081 | American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as |
| 11082 | nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will |
| 11083 | probably get run over by a bus. |
| 11084 | % |
| 11085 | Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. |
| 11086 | -- Don Marquis |
| 11087 | % |
| 11088 | "Plaese porrf raed." |
| 11089 | -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase |
| 11090 | % |
| 11091 | Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia |
| 11092 | because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers |
| 11093 | couldn't compete successfully with poets. |
| 11094 | -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half |
| 11095 | Shell" |
| 11096 | % |
| 11097 | Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill |
| 11098 | them. |
| 11099 | % |
| 11100 | Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic |
| 11101 | table. |
| 11102 | -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" |
| 11103 | % |
| 11104 | Please ignore previous fortune. |
| 11105 | % |
| 11106 | Please take note: |
| 11107 | % |
| 11108 | Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" |
| 11109 | until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched |
| 11110 | out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, |
| 11111 | and such. |
| 11112 | -- N. Meyrowitz |
| 11113 | % |
| 11114 | Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? |
| 11115 | % |
| 11116 | PLUNDERER'S THEME |
| 11117 | (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) |
| 11118 | |
| 11119 | Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. |
| 11120 | If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. |
| 11121 | Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. |
| 11122 | Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. |
| 11123 | % |
| 11124 | Pohl's law: |
| 11125 | Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. |
| 11126 | % |
| 11127 | Police: Good evening, are you the host? |
| 11128 | Host: No. |
| 11129 | Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. |
| 11130 | Host: About the drugs? |
| 11131 | Police: No. |
| 11132 | Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? |
| 11133 | Police: No, the noise. |
| 11134 | Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns |
| 11135 | or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the |
| 11136 | background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? |
| 11137 | The neighbors? |
| 11138 | Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent |
| 11139 | complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could |
| 11140 | ask the host to quiet things down? |
| 11141 | Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive |
| 11142 | religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living |
| 11143 | room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the |
| 11144 | lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out |
| 11145 | onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind |
| 11146 | down. |
| 11147 | % |
| 11148 | Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell |
| 11149 | all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. |
| 11150 | % |
| 11151 | Politician, n.: |
| 11152 | An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of |
| 11153 | organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the |
| 11154 | agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared |
| 11155 | with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. |
| 11156 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 11157 | % |
| 11158 | Politician, n.: |
| 11159 | From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or |
| 11160 | "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence |
| 11161 | "polytetien", a person of two or more faces. |
| 11162 | -- Martin Pitt |
| 11163 | % |
| 11164 | Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even |
| 11165 | where there is no river. |
| 11166 | -- Nikita Khrushchev |
| 11167 | % |
| 11168 | Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough |
| 11169 | to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. |
| 11170 | % |
| 11171 | Polymer physicists are into chains. |
| 11172 | % |
| 11173 | Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the |
| 11174 | Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The |
| 11175 | white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before |
| 11176 | it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his |
| 11177 | name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with |
| 11178 | laughter, singing |
| 11179 | Half a pound of tuppenny rice |
| 11180 | Half a pound of treacle |
| 11181 | That's the way the chimney smokes |
| 11182 | Pope Goestheveezl |
| 11183 | The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of |
| 11184 | laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for |
| 11185 | hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron |
| 11186 | Hans Neizant B"\bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"\boln in 1653. |
| 11187 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 11188 | % |
| 11189 | Portable, adj.: |
| 11190 | Survives system reboot. |
| 11191 | % |
| 11192 | Positive, adj.: |
| 11193 | Mistaken at the top of one's voice. |
| 11194 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 11195 | % |
| 11196 | Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. |
| 11197 | % |
| 11198 | "Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat" |
| 11199 | -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 |
| 11200 | % |
| 11201 | Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. |
| 11202 | % |
| 11203 | Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely. |
| 11204 | -- Vint Cerf |
| 11205 | % |
| 11206 | Power, n: |
| 11207 | The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. |
| 11208 | % |
| 11209 | Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little |
| 11210 | more time for dreaming. |
| 11211 | -- J. P. McEvoy |
| 11212 | % |
| 11213 | Predestination was doomed from the start. |
| 11214 | % |
| 11215 | President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and |
| 11216 | forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. |
| 11217 | % |
| 11218 | President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the |
| 11219 | vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. |
| 11220 | -- The Washington Post |
| 11221 | % |
| 11222 | Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! |
| 11223 | % |
| 11224 | Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: |
| 11225 | It's on the other side. |
| 11226 | % |
| 11227 | [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves |
| 11228 | to see him work. |
| 11229 | -- Winston Churchill |
| 11230 | % |
| 11231 | Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. |
| 11232 | % |
| 11233 | Probable-Possible, my black hen, |
| 11234 | She lays eggs in the Relative When. |
| 11235 | She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now |
| 11236 | Because she's unable to postulate how. |
| 11237 | -- Frederick Winsor |
| 11238 | % |
| 11239 | Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have |
| 11240 | orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which |
| 11241 | is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. |
| 11242 | -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every |
| 11243 | Teen Should Know" |
| 11244 | % |
| 11245 | Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data |
| 11246 | encryption standard and they came up with ... |
| 11247 | Student: EBCDIC! |
| 11248 | % |
| 11249 | Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. |
| 11250 | Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on |
| 11251 | his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's |
| 11252 | earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% |
| 11253 | % |
| 11254 | Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to |
| 11255 | build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying |
| 11256 | to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. |
| 11257 | |
| 11258 | -- Rich Cook |
| 11259 | % |
| 11260 | Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. |
| 11261 | |
| 11262 | This technique is used on equations with "_\bn" in them. Induction |
| 11263 | techniques are very popular, even the military used them. |
| 11264 | |
| 11265 | SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. |
| 11266 | |
| 11267 | We know it's true for _\bn equal to 1. Now assume that it's true |
| 11268 | for every natural number less than _\bn. _\bN is arbitrary, so we can take _\bn |
| 11269 | as large as we want. If _\bn is sufficiently large, the case of _\bn+1 is |
| 11270 | trivially equivalent, so the only important _\bn are _\bn less than _\bn. We |
| 11271 | can take _\bn = _\bn (from above), so it's true for _\bn+1 because it's just |
| 11272 | about _\bn. |
| 11273 | QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") |
| 11274 | % |
| 11275 | Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. |
| 11276 | SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. |
| 11277 | (1) Horses have an even number of legs. |
| 11278 | (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. |
| 11279 | (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of |
| 11280 | legs for a horse. |
| 11281 | (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. |
| 11282 | (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. |
| 11283 | |
| 11284 | Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by: |
| 11285 | Intimidation |
| 11286 | Gesticulation (handwaving) |
| 11287 | "Try it; it works" |
| 11288 | Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) |
| 11289 | Blatant assertion |
| 11290 | Changing all the 2's to _\bn's |
| 11291 | Mutual consent |
| 11292 | Lack of a counterexample, and |
| 11293 | "It stands to reason" |
| 11294 | % |
| 11295 | Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: |
| 11296 | |
| 11297 | BBW Branch Both Ways |
| 11298 | BEW Branch Either Way |
| 11299 | BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full |
| 11300 | BH Branch and Hang |
| 11301 | BMR Branch Multiple Registers |
| 11302 | BOB Branch On Bug |
| 11303 | BPO Branch on Power Off |
| 11304 | BST Backspace and Stretch Tape |
| 11305 | CDS Condense and Destroy System |
| 11306 | CLBR Clobber Register |
| 11307 | CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately |
| 11308 | CM Circulate Memory |
| 11309 | CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming |
| 11310 | CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip |
| 11311 | CRN Convert to Roman Numerals |
| 11312 | % |
| 11313 | Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: |
| 11314 | |
| 11315 | DC Divide and Conquer |
| 11316 | DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key |
| 11317 | DO Divide and Overflow |
| 11318 | EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator |
| 11319 | EPI Execute Programmer Immediately |
| 11320 | EROS Erase Read Only Storage |
| 11321 | EXCE Execute Customer Engineer |
| 11322 | HCF Halt and Catch Fire |
| 11323 | IBP Insert Bug and Proceed |
| 11324 | INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) |
| 11325 | PBC Print and Break Chain |
| 11326 | PDSK Punch Disk |
| 11327 | % |
| 11328 | Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: |
| 11329 | |
| 11330 | PI Punch Invalid |
| 11331 | POPI Punch Operator Immediately |
| 11332 | PVLC Punch Variable Length Card |
| 11333 | RASC Read And Shred Card |
| 11334 | RPM Read Programmers Mind |
| 11335 | RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) |
| 11336 | RTAB Rewind tape and break |
| 11337 | RWDSK rewind disk |
| 11338 | RWOC Read Writing On Card |
| 11339 | SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write |
| 11340 | SLC Search for Lost Chord |
| 11341 | SPSW Scramble Program Status Word |
| 11342 | SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk |
| 11343 | STROM Store in Read Only Memory |
| 11344 | TDB Transfer and Drop Bit |
| 11345 | WBT Water Binary Tree |
| 11346 | % |
| 11347 | "Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller |
| 11348 | than the both put together." |
| 11349 | % |
| 11350 | Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check |
| 11351 | three friends. If they're OK, you're it. |
| 11352 | % |
| 11353 | Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well |
| 11354 | anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. |
| 11355 | -- H. L. Mencken |
| 11356 | % |
| 11357 | Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves |
| 11358 | to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way |
| 11359 | to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the |
| 11360 | cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in |
| 11361 | fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a |
| 11362 | lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of |
| 11363 | the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. |
| 11364 | -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" |
| 11365 | % |
| 11366 | Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen. |
| 11367 | % |
| 11368 | Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. |
| 11369 | % |
| 11370 | Pushing 40 is exercise enough. |
| 11371 | % |
| 11372 | Put no trust in cryptic comments. |
| 11373 | % |
| 11374 | Put your Nose to the Grindstone! |
| 11375 | -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. |
| 11376 | % |
| 11377 | Putt's Law: |
| 11378 | Technology is dominated by two types of people: |
| 11379 | Those who understand what they do not manage. |
| 11380 | Those who manage what they do not understand. |
| 11381 | % |
| 11382 | Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? |
| 11383 | A: One per person. |
| 11384 | % |
| 11385 | Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? |
| 11386 | A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. |
| 11387 | % |
| 11388 | Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? |
| 11389 | A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. |
| 11390 | % |
| 11391 | Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? |
| 11392 | A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. |
| 11393 | |
| 11394 | Q: How long does it take? |
| 11395 | A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've |
| 11396 | brought with them. |
| 11397 | |
| 11398 | Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? |
| 11399 | A: They replace your generator. |
| 11400 | % |
| 11401 | Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? |
| 11402 | A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb |
| 11403 | itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective |
| 11404 | reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a |
| 11405 | maudlin cosmos of nothingness. |
| 11406 | % |
| 11407 | Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb |
| 11408 | in San Francisco? |
| 11409 | A: Both of them. |
| 11410 | % |
| 11411 | Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? |
| 11412 | A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. |
| 11413 | % |
| 11414 | Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? |
| 11415 | A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. |
| 11416 | % |
| 11417 | Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? |
| 11418 | A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, |
| 11419 | Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of |
| 11420 | the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% |
| 11421 | of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences |
| 11422 | of non-blank characters separated by blanks". |
| 11423 | % |
| 11424 | Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? |
| 11425 | A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring |
| 11426 | light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government |
| 11427 | plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer |
| 11428 | prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb |
| 11429 | assassin to break the bulb in the first place. |
| 11430 | % |
| 11431 | Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? |
| 11432 | A: One and a half. |
| 11433 | % |
| 11434 | Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? |
| 11435 | A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem |
| 11436 | to the earlier joke. |
| 11437 | % |
| 11438 | Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
| 11439 | A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those |
| 11440 | Californians trying to share the experience. |
| 11441 | % |
| 11442 | Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? |
| 11443 | A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub |
| 11444 | with brightly colored machine tools. |
| 11445 | % |
| 11446 | Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
| 11447 | A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out |
| 11448 | of the way. |
| 11449 | % |
| 11450 | Q: What's a light-year? |
| 11451 | A: One-third less calories than a regular year. |
| 11452 | % |
| 11453 | Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? |
| 11454 | A: Because it was on the other side. |
| 11455 | % |
| 11456 | Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? |
| 11457 | A: To stamp out forest fires. |
| 11458 | |
| 11459 | Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? |
| 11460 | A: To stamp out flaming ducks. |
| 11461 | % |
| 11462 | Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? |
| 11463 | A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. |
| 11464 | % |
| 11465 | Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What |
| 11466 | should I do? |
| 11467 | |
| 11468 | A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on |
| 11469 | believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be |
| 11470 | the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No |
| 11471 | time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if |
| 11472 | somebody else has made the correction. |
| 11473 | |
| 11474 | And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're |
| 11475 | the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have |
| 11476 | to inform the whole net right away! |
| 11477 | |
| 11478 | -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions |
| 11479 | on Netiquette" |
| 11480 | % |
| 11481 | Quality Control, n.: |
| 11482 | The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off |
| 11483 | a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. |
| 11484 | % |
| 11485 | Question: |
| 11486 | Man Invented Alcohol, |
| 11487 | God Invented Grass. |
| 11488 | Who do you trust? |
| 11489 | % |
| 11490 | Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! |
| 11491 | % |
| 11492 | Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! |
| 11493 | % |
| 11494 | Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. |
| 11495 | |
| 11496 | (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) |
| 11497 | % |
| 11498 | Quigley's Law: |
| 11499 | Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will |
| 11500 | atttempt to use it. |
| 11501 | % |
| 11502 | QUOTE OF THE DAY: |
| 11503 | |
| 11504 | ` |
| 11505 | |
| 11506 | % |
| 11507 | "Qvid me anxivs svm?" |
| 11508 | % |
| 11509 | QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: |
| 11510 | 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 |
| 11511 | kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one |
| 11512 | thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a |
| 11513 | painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] |
| 11514 | person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. |
| 11515 | -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. |
| 11516 | % |
| 11517 | Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. |
| 11518 | % |
| 11519 | Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something |
| 11520 | I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of |
| 11521 | computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport |
| 11522 | store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told |
| 11523 | all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all |
| 11524 | the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are |
| 11525 | they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current |
| 11526 | rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on |
| 11527 | Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be |
| 11528 | impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying |
| 11529 | goes, giving away the store? |
| 11530 | -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President |
| 11531 | % |
| 11532 | Ray's Rule of Precision: |
| 11533 | Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. |
| 11534 | % |
| 11535 | Razors pain you; |
| 11536 | Rivers are damp; |
| 11537 | Acids stain you; |
| 11538 | And drugs cause cramp. |
| 11539 | Guns aren't lawful; |
| 11540 | Nooses give; |
| 11541 | Gas smells awful; |
| 11542 | You might as well live. |
| 11543 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 11544 | % |
| 11545 | Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe |
| 11546 | the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described |
| 11547 | with pictures. |
| 11548 | % |
| 11549 | Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of |
| 11550 | Congress. But I repeat myself. |
| 11551 | -- Mark Twain |
| 11552 | % |
| 11553 | Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic |
| 11554 | value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is |
| 11555 | much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice |
| 11556 | this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. |
| 11557 | % |
| 11558 | Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware |
| 11559 | has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing |
| 11560 | machines are so poor at I/O. |
| 11561 | % |
| 11562 | Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are |
| 11563 | so long they can't afford the disk space. |
| 11564 | % |
| 11565 | Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write |
| 11566 | in anything less portable than a number two pencil. |
| 11567 | % |
| 11568 | Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker |
| 11569 | with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they |
| 11570 | hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for |
| 11571 | applications.) |
| 11572 | % |
| 11573 | Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run |
| 11574 | on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo |
| 11575 | sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. |
| 11576 | % |
| 11577 | Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured |
| 11578 | programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- |
| 11579 | trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise |
| 11580 | clear desks. |
| 11581 | % |
| 11582 | Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine |
| 11583 | doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell |
| 11584 | quiche. |
| 11585 | % |
| 11586 | Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it |
| 11587 | should be hard to understand. |
| 11588 | % |
| 11589 | Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the |
| 11590 | illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how |
| 11591 | much good it did them. |
| 11592 | % |
| 11593 | Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires |
| 11594 | you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers |
| 11595 | wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly |
| 11596 | spring up in the middle of the machine room. |
| 11597 | % |
| 11598 | Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write |
| 11599 | in BASIC after reaching puberty. |
| 11600 | % |
| 11601 | Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress |
| 11602 | freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who |
| 11603 | wear white socks. |
| 11604 | % |
| 11605 | Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who |
| 11606 | can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. |
| 11607 | % |
| 11608 | Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. |
| 11609 | % |
| 11610 | Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use |
| 11611 | functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? |
| 11612 | % |
| 11613 | Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. |
| 11614 | This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a |
| 11615 | computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. |
| 11616 | % |
| 11617 | Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and |
| 11618 | greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any |
| 11619 | moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that |
| 11620 | systems could be virtual at *___\b\b\ball* levels. They would like personal |
| 11621 | computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your |
| 11622 | DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their |
| 11623 | Correctness Verification Aid packages. |
| 11624 | % |
| 11625 | Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the |
| 11626 | job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like |
| 11627 | using an undocumented external procedure. |
| 11628 | % |
| 11629 | Real Time, adj.: |
| 11630 | Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there |
| 11631 | and then. |
| 11632 | % |
| 11633 | Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never |
| 11634 | afraid to break your face. |
| 11635 | % |
| 11636 | Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts |
| 11637 | down the system for days. |
| 11638 | % |
| 11639 | Real Users hate Real Programmers. |
| 11640 | % |
| 11641 | Real Users know your home telephone number. |
| 11642 | % |
| 11643 | Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your |
| 11644 | program doesn't deliver it. |
| 11645 | % |
| 11646 | Real Users never use the Help key. |
| 11647 | % |
| 11648 | Real World, The n.: |
| 11649 | 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may |
| 11650 | be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To |
| 11651 | programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related |
| 11652 | to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and |
| 11653 | tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. |
| 11654 | The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. |
| 11655 | "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used |
| 11656 | pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking |
| 11657 | of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a |
| 11658 | deceased person. |
| 11659 | % |
| 11660 | Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. |
| 11661 | % |
| 11662 | Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. |
| 11663 | % |
| 11664 | Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? |
| 11665 | -- Patrick Sky |
| 11666 | % |
| 11667 | Reality is for people who lack imagination. |
| 11668 | % |
| 11669 | Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. |
| 11670 | % |
| 11671 | Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. |
| 11672 | -- Alvy Ray Smith |
| 11673 | % |
| 11674 | "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go |
| 11675 | away". |
| 11676 | -- Philip K. Dick |
| 11677 | % |
| 11678 | "Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" |
| 11679 | % |
| 11680 | Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than |
| 11681 | being flat broke and having a stomach ache. |
| 11682 | -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" |
| 11683 | % |
| 11684 | Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you |
| 11685 | lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, |
| 11686 | but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and |
| 11687 | Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 |
| 11688 | recessions. |
| 11689 | % |
| 11690 | Reclaimer, spare that tree! |
| 11691 | Take not a single bit! |
| 11692 | It used to point to me, |
| 11693 | Now I'm protecting it. |
| 11694 | It was the reader's CONS |
| 11695 | That made it, paired by dot; |
| 11696 | Now, GC, for the nonce, |
| 11697 | Thou shalt reclaim it not. |
| 11698 | % |
| 11699 | "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe |
| 11700 | again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know |
| 11701 | which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A |
| 11702 | spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the |
| 11703 | starfield surrounding the ship. |
| 11704 | |
| 11705 | "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC |
| 11706 | announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they |
| 11707 | are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been |
| 11708 | intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and |
| 11709 | transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. |
| 11710 | Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." |
| 11711 | -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" |
| 11712 | % |
| 11713 | Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: |
| 11714 | If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. |
| 11715 | % |
| 11716 | Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. |
| 11717 | -- Anatole France |
| 11718 | % |
| 11719 | "Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used |
| 11720 | it." |
| 11721 | -- Dave Barry |
| 11722 | % |
| 11723 | Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. |
| 11724 | -- Dave Butler |
| 11725 | % |
| 11726 | Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good |
| 11727 | offense! |
| 11728 | % |
| 11729 | Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. |
| 11730 | % |
| 11731 | Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be |
| 11732 | worse in Cleveland. |
| 11733 | -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" |
| 11734 | % |
| 11735 | Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. |
| 11736 | % |
| 11737 | Renning's Maxim: |
| 11738 | Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. |
| 11739 | % |
| 11740 | Reporter, n.: |
| 11741 | A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a |
| 11742 | tempest of words. |
| 11743 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 11744 | % |
| 11745 | REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? |
| 11746 | |
| 11747 | SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that |
| 11748 | the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can |
| 11749 | carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." |
| 11750 | I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind |
| 11751 | of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to |
| 11752 | do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of |
| 11753 | ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we |
| 11754 | need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political |
| 11755 | career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but |
| 11756 | that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I |
| 11757 | can't help it. |
| 11758 | -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" |
| 11759 | % |
| 11760 | Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western |
| 11761 | Civilization? |
| 11762 | Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. |
| 11763 | % |
| 11764 | Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. |
| 11765 | -- Wernher von Braun |
| 11766 | % |
| 11767 | Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get |
| 11768 | another chance later on. |
| 11769 | % |
| 11770 | Review Questions |
| 11771 | |
| 11772 | (1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, |
| 11773 | and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before |
| 11774 | he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the |
| 11775 | Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? |
| 11776 | |
| 11777 | (2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks |
| 11778 | twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks |
| 11779 | every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off |
| 11780 | his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? |
| 11781 | |
| 11782 | (3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers |
| 11783 | the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a |
| 11784 | pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King |
| 11785 | Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? |
| 11786 | % |
| 11787 | Rhode's Law: |
| 11788 | When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, |
| 11789 | circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, |
| 11790 | empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, |
| 11791 | induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always |
| 11792 | for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, |
| 11793 | material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or |
| 11794 | none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, |
| 11795 | proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, |
| 11796 | universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it |
| 11797 | becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. |
| 11798 | % |
| 11799 | "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time." |
| 11800 | -- Steven Wright |
| 11801 | % |
| 11802 | Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention |
| 11803 | Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will |
| 11804 | reject the proposal. |
| 11805 | % |
| 11806 | ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. |
| 11807 | MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- |
| 11808 | door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. |
| 11809 | % |
| 11810 | Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. |
| 11811 | -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With |
| 11812 | Pogo" |
| 11813 | % |
| 11814 | Rudin's Law: |
| 11815 | If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it |
| 11816 | every time. |
| 11817 | % |
| 11818 | Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: |
| 11819 | Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall |
| 11820 | be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person |
| 11821 | shall be deemed to be a cat. |
| 11822 | % |
| 11823 | Rule of Creative Research: |
| 11824 | (1) Never draw what you can copy. |
| 11825 | (2) Never copy what you can trace. |
| 11826 | (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. |
| 11827 | % |
| 11828 | Rule of Defactualization: |
| 11829 | Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. |
| 11830 | % |
| 11831 | Rule of Feline Frustration: |
| 11832 | When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly |
| 11833 | content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. |
| 11834 | % |
| 11835 | Rule of the Great: |
| 11836 | When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep |
| 11837 | thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. |
| 11838 | % |
| 11839 | Rules: |
| 11840 | (1) The boss is always right. |
| 11841 | (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. |
| 11842 | % |
| 11843 | Rules for Academic Deans: |
| 11844 | (1) HIDE!!!! |
| 11845 | (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! |
| 11846 | -- Father Damian C. Fandal |
| 11847 | % |
| 11848 | Rules for driving in New York: |
| 11849 | (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. |
| 11850 | (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers |
| 11851 | on. |
| 11852 | (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the |
| 11853 | intersection. |
| 11854 | % |
| 11855 | RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED |
| 11856 | (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. |
| 11857 | (2) Never leave the table hungry. |
| 11858 | (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. |
| 11859 | (4) Enjoy your food. |
| 11860 | (5) Enjoy your companion's food. |
| 11861 | (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to |
| 11862 | accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. |
| 11863 | (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, |
| 11864 | for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a |
| 11865 | brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? |
| 11866 | (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. |
| 11867 | (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You |
| 11868 | can always eat it later. |
| 11869 | (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. |
| 11870 | (11) Avoid blue food. |
| 11871 | -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet" |
| 11872 | % |
| 11873 | SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) |
| 11874 | You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless |
| 11875 | tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority |
| 11876 | of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People |
| 11877 | laugh at you a great deal. |
| 11878 | % |
| 11879 | San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. |
| 11880 | -- Herb Caen |
| 11881 | % |
| 11882 | San Francisco, n.: |
| 11883 | Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. |
| 11884 | % |
| 11885 | Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. |
| 11886 | -- Mark Harrold |
| 11887 | % |
| 11888 | Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, |
| 11889 | He must be a communist. |
| 11890 | And a beard and long hair, |
| 11891 | Must be a pacifist. |
| 11892 | |
| 11893 | What's in that pipe that he's smoking? |
| 11894 | -- Arlo Guthrie |
| 11895 | % |
| 11896 | Satellite Safety Tip #14: |
| 11897 | If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. |
| 11898 | % |
| 11899 | Sattinger's Law: |
| 11900 | It works better if you plug it in. |
| 11901 | % |
| 11902 | Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, |
| 11903 | Is like being nowhere at all, |
| 11904 | All through the day how the hours rush by, |
| 11905 | You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. |
| 11906 | -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" |
| 11907 | % |
| 11908 | Sauron is alive in Argentina! |
| 11909 | % |
| 11910 | Save energy: be apathetic. |
| 11911 | % |
| 11912 | Save the whales. Collect the whole set. |
| 11913 | % |
| 11914 | Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. |
| 11915 | % |
| 11916 | "Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I |
| 11917 | ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. |
| 11918 | -- Steven Wright |
| 11919 | % |
| 11920 | SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! |
| 11921 | -- Ken Thompson |
| 11922 | % |
| 11923 | Schapiro's Explanation: |
| 11924 | The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's |
| 11925 | because they use more manure. |
| 11926 | % |
| 11927 | Schizophrenia beats being alone. |
| 11928 | % |
| 11929 | Schlattwhapper, n.: |
| 11930 | The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, |
| 11931 | hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. |
| 11932 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 11933 | % |
| 11934 | Schnuffel, n.: |
| 11935 | A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in |
| 11936 | mixed company. |
| 11937 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 11938 | % |
| 11939 | Schwiggle, n.: |
| 11940 | The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a |
| 11941 | pencil. |
| 11942 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 11943 | % |
| 11944 | Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made |
| 11945 | of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts |
| 11946 | is not necessarily science. |
| 11947 | -- Henri Poincair'\be |
| 11948 | % |
| 11949 | Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. |
| 11950 | % |
| 11951 | Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. |
| 11952 | -- William Buckley |
| 11953 | |
| 11954 | % |
| 11955 | SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) |
| 11956 | You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will |
| 11957 | achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of |
| 11958 | ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. |
| 11959 | % |
| 11960 | Scott's first Law: |
| 11961 | No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. |
| 11962 | % |
| 11963 | Scott's second Law: |
| 11964 | When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found |
| 11965 | to have been wrong in the first place. |
| 11966 | |
| 11967 | Corollary: |
| 11968 | After the correction has been found in error, it will be |
| 11969 | impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. |
| 11970 | % |
| 11971 | Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! |
| 11972 | Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? |
| 11973 | Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. |
| 11974 | Kirk: Then it's of external origin? |
| 11975 | Spock: Affirmative. |
| 11976 | Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. |
| 11977 | Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. |
| 11978 | % |
| 11979 | Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. |
| 11980 | % |
| 11981 | Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the |
| 11982 | Presidency. |
| 11983 | -- Richard Nixon |
| 11984 | % |
| 11985 | Second Law of Business Meetings: |
| 11986 | If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you |
| 11987 | will pick the wrong one. |
| 11988 | |
| 11989 | Corollary: |
| 11990 | If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it |
| 11991 | wrong, anyway. |
| 11992 | % |
| 11993 | "Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). |
| 11994 | In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a |
| 11995 | multiline message byte. |
| 11996 | In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message |
| 11997 | must be sent passive true. |
| 11998 | The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: |
| 11999 | (1) The ANRS if DAV is false |
| 12000 | (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: |
| 12001 | (a) The LADS is active |
| 12002 | (b) Nor LACS is active" |
| 12003 | |
| 12004 | -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for |
| 12005 | Programmable Instrumentation |
| 12006 | % |
| 12007 | Security check: \a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT! |
| 12008 | % |
| 12009 | Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. |
| 12010 | She scissored short. Sorely shorn, |
| 12011 | Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, |
| 12012 | Silently scheming, |
| 12013 | Sightlessly seeking |
| 12014 | Some savage, spectacular suicide. |
| 12015 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" |
| 12016 | % |
| 12017 | "See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..." |
| 12018 | % |
| 12019 | Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: |
| 12020 | Ice Cream cures all ills. |
| 12021 | % |
| 12022 | Self Test for Paranoia: |
| 12023 | You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's |
| 12024 | your own fault. |
| 12025 | % |
| 12026 | Seminars, n.: |
| 12027 | From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. |
| 12028 | % |
| 12029 | Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would |
| 12030 | notify you if the record has pornographic material or |
| 12031 | material glorifying violence?" |
| 12032 | Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." |
| 12033 | Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's |
| 12034 | legs on the album cover is good indication that it's |
| 12035 | not for little Johnny." |
| 12036 | |
| 12037 | -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock |
| 12038 | lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 |
| 12039 | % |
| 12040 | Senate, n.: |
| 12041 | A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and |
| 12042 | misdemeanors. |
| 12043 | -- Ambrose Bierce |
| 12044 | % |
| 12045 | Serenity through viciousness. |
| 12046 | % |
| 12047 | Serocki's Stricture: |
| 12048 | Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. |
| 12049 | % |
| 12050 | Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. |
| 12051 | % |
| 12052 | Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a |
| 12053 | big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at |
| 12054 | reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's |
| 12055 | build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up |
| 12056 | like crabgrass all over the United States. |
| 12057 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" |
| 12058 | % |
| 12059 | Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. |
| 12060 | % |
| 12061 | Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. |
| 12062 | -- Swami X |
| 12063 | % |
| 12064 | Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. |
| 12065 | -- M. C. Reed. |
| 12066 | % |
| 12067 | Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, |
| 12068 | it's one of the best. |
| 12069 | -- Woody Allen |
| 12070 | % |
| 12071 | Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: |
| 12072 | A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the |
| 12073 | temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. |
| 12074 | A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog |
| 12075 | functionaries, and there's a joke about that: |
| 12076 | A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the |
| 12077 | middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be |
| 12078 | bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" |
| 12079 | The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I |
| 12080 | am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks |
| 12081 | he's nobody!" |
| 12082 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
| 12083 | % |
| 12084 | Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off |
| 12085 | during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. |
| 12086 | -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every |
| 12087 | Teen Should Know" |
| 12088 | % |
| 12089 | Shaw's Principle: |
| 12090 | Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will |
| 12091 | want to use it. |
| 12092 | % |
| 12093 | "She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." |
| 12094 | -- Gypsy Rose Lee |
| 12095 | % |
| 12096 | She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. |
| 12097 | -- Mark Twain |
| 12098 | % |
| 12099 | She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them |
| 12100 | were bad. |
| 12101 | % |
| 12102 | She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could |
| 12103 | have poured on a waffle ... |
| 12104 | % |
| 12105 | "She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, |
| 12106 | you should hear me play piano.'" |
| 12107 | -- Morrisey |
| 12108 | % |
| 12109 | "Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have |
| 12110 | taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an |
| 12111 | excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature." |
| 12112 | -- Samuel Johnson |
| 12113 | % |
| 12114 | She's genuinely bogus. |
| 12115 | % |
| 12116 | SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! |
| 12117 | POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! |
| 12118 | % |
| 12119 | Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is |
| 12120 | playing golf with his boss. |
| 12121 | % |
| 12122 | Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. |
| 12123 | % |
| 12124 | Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs. |
| 12125 | % |
| 12126 | Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. |
| 12127 | -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet |
| 12128 | % |
| 12129 | Silverman's Law: |
| 12130 | If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. |
| 12131 | % |
| 12132 | Simon's Law: |
| 12133 | Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. |
| 12134 | % |
| 12135 | Since I hurt my pendulum |
| 12136 | My life is all erratic. |
| 12137 | My parrot, who was cordial, |
| 12138 | Is now transmitting static. |
| 12139 | The carpet died, a palm collapsed, |
| 12140 | The cat keeps doing poo. |
| 12141 | The only thing that keeps me sane |
| 12142 | Is talking to my shoe. |
| 12143 | -- My Shoe |
| 12144 | % |
| 12145 | Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're |
| 12146 | alive. |
| 12147 | -- John Sloan |
| 12148 | % |
| 12149 | Since we're all here, we must not be all there. |
| 12150 | -- Bob "Mountain" Beck |
| 12151 | % |
| 12152 | [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the |
| 12153 | vices I admire. |
| 12154 | -- Winston Churchill |
| 12155 | % |
| 12156 | Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate |
| 12157 | Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically |
| 12158 | excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. |
| 12159 | This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally |
| 12160 | examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published |
| 12161 | Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be |
| 12162 | printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry |
| 12163 | comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had |
| 12164 | no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. |
| 12165 | % |
| 12166 | Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): |
| 12167 | That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, |
| 12168 | or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should |
| 12169 | have gotten. |
| 12170 | % |
| 12171 | Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes |
| 12172 | to work. |
| 12173 | % |
| 12174 | Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, |
| 12175 | when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and |
| 12176 | apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I |
| 12177 | neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a |
| 12178 | tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they |
| 12179 | were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of |
| 12180 | souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a |
| 12181 | testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from |
| 12182 | chains. |
| 12183 | -- Frederick Douglass |
| 12184 | % |
| 12185 | Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: |
| 12186 | (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad |
| 12187 | check. |
| 12188 | (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. |
| 12189 | (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is |
| 12190 | attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is |
| 12191 | attracted to dark objects. |
| 12192 | % |
| 12193 | Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... |
| 12194 | % |
| 12195 | Slurm, n.: |
| 12196 | The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when |
| 12197 | it sits in the dish too long. |
| 12198 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 12199 | % |
| 12200 | Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. |
| 12201 | -- Fletcher Knebel |
| 12202 | % |
| 12203 | Snacktrek, n.: |
| 12204 | The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly |
| 12205 | returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have |
| 12206 | materialized. |
| 12207 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 12208 | % |
| 12209 | So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate |
| 12210 | your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and |
| 12211 | hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast |
| 12212 | array of 8-millimeter video equipment. |
| 12213 | |
| 12214 | ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you |
| 12215 | were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format |
| 12216 | that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as |
| 12217 | toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be |
| 12218 | made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a |
| 12219 | format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. |
| 12220 | -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics |
| 12221 | Revolution" |
| 12222 | % |
| 12223 | So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in |
| 12224 | praise of intelligence. |
| 12225 | -- Bertrand Russell |
| 12226 | % |
| 12227 | "So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple |
| 12228 | pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops |
| 12229 | its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very |
| 12230 | imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, |
| 12231 | and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, |
| 12232 | and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the |
| 12233 | gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots." |
| 12234 | -- Samuel Foote |
| 12235 | % |
| 12236 | So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever |
| 12237 | remember his Bible? |
| 12238 | % |
| 12239 | Sodd's Second Law: |
| 12240 | Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is |
| 12241 | bound to occur. |
| 12242 | % |
| 12243 | Software, n.: |
| 12244 | Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. |
| 12245 | % |
| 12246 | Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. |
| 12247 | % |
| 12248 | Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. |
| 12249 | -- Ed Howe |
| 12250 | % |
| 12251 | Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to |
| 12252 | celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around |
| 12253 | stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on |
| 12254 | "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind |
| 12255 | of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The |
| 12256 | government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level |
| 12257 | Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and |
| 12258 | billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which |
| 12259 | it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming |
| 12260 | thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with |
| 12261 | the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money |
| 12262 | and go to a mall. |
| 12263 | -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" |
| 12264 | % |
| 12265 | Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some |
| 12266 | people have mediocrity thrust upon them. |
| 12267 | -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" |
| 12268 | % |
| 12269 | Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only |
| 12270 | one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." |
| 12271 | % |
| 12272 | Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit |
| 12273 | them on the head. |
| 12274 | % |
| 12275 | Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. |
| 12276 | % |
| 12277 | Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when |
| 12278 | you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even |
| 12279 | worse. |
| 12280 | -- Avery |
| 12281 | % |
| 12282 | Some points to remember [about animals]: |
| 12283 | |
| 12284 | (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, |
| 12285 | hippopotamuses; |
| 12286 | (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the |
| 12287 | front of your clothes; |
| 12288 | (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs |
| 12289 | you have just kicked. |
| 12290 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 12291 | % |
| 12292 | Some primal termite knocked on wood. |
| 12293 | And tasted it, and found it good. |
| 12294 | And that is why your Cousin May |
| 12295 | Fell through the parlor floor today. |
| 12296 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 12297 | % |
| 12298 | Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand |
| 12299 | progress. |
| 12300 | % |
| 12301 | Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand |
| 12302 | progress. |
| 12303 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 |
| 12304 | % |
| 12305 | Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the |
| 12306 | pens will multiply instead of disappear. |
| 12307 | % |
| 12308 | Someone will try to honk your nose today. |
| 12309 | % |
| 12310 | "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm |
| 12311 | the only ashtray." |
| 12312 | % |
| 12313 | Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. |
| 12314 | -- Lily Tomlin |
| 12315 | % |
| 12316 | Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. |
| 12317 | % |
| 12318 | "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the |
| 12319 | Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then |
| 12320 | intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men |
| 12321 | and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our |
| 12322 | best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are |
| 12323 | we not God's Machineries of Joy?" |
| 12324 | |
| 12325 | "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." |
| 12326 | -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" |
| 12327 | % |
| 12328 | Song Title of the Week: |
| 12329 | "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change |
| 12330 | in me." |
| 12331 | % |
| 12332 | Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already |
| 12333 | paid may disregard this fortune). |
| 12334 | % |
| 12335 | Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. |
| 12336 | % |
| 12337 | Sorry, no fortune this time. |
| 12338 | % |
| 12339 | Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- |
| 12340 | bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the |
| 12341 | road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. |
| 12342 | -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" |
| 12343 | % |
| 12344 | "Spare no expense to save money on this one." |
| 12345 | -- Samuel Goldwyn |
| 12346 | % |
| 12347 | Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: |
| 12348 | If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as |
| 12349 | if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question |
| 12350 | back at him. |
| 12351 | % |
| 12352 | Speak roughly to your little boy, |
| 12353 | And beat him when he sneezes: |
| 12354 | He only does it to annoy |
| 12355 | Because he knows it teases. |
| 12356 | |
| 12357 | Wow! wow! wow! |
| 12358 | |
| 12359 | I speak severely to my boy, |
| 12360 | And beat him when he sneezes: |
| 12361 | For he can thoroughly enjoy |
| 12362 | The pepper when he pleases! |
| 12363 | |
| 12364 | Wow! wow! wow! |
| 12365 | -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" |
| 12366 | % |
| 12367 | Speak roughly to your little VAX, |
| 12368 | And boot it when it crashes; |
| 12369 | It knows that one cannot relax |
| 12370 | Because the paging thrashes! |
| 12371 | |
| 12372 | Wow! Wow! Wow! |
| 12373 | |
| 12374 | I speak severely to my VAX, |
| 12375 | And boot it when it crashes; |
| 12376 | In spite of all my favorite hacks |
| 12377 | My jobs it always thrashes! |
| 12378 | |
| 12379 | Wow! Wow! Wow! |
| 12380 | % |
| 12381 | Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. |
| 12382 | % |
| 12383 | Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. |
| 12384 | -- Dave Millman |
| 12385 | % |
| 12386 | Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am |
| 12387 | sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, |
| 12388 | cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free |
| 12389 | the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a |
| 12390 | bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a |
| 12391 | controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before |
| 12392 | passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same |
| 12393 | memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, |
| 12394 | no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously |
| 12395 | designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? |
| 12396 | % |
| 12397 | Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: |
| 12398 | |
| 12399 | With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair |
| 12400 | He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! |
| 12401 | And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down |
| 12402 | As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! |
| 12403 | Helpless users with projects due |
| 12404 | Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! |
| 12405 | |
| 12406 | Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! |
| 12407 | Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" |
| 12408 | |
| 12409 | * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation |
| 12410 | * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. |
| 12411 | -- Curtis Jackson |
| 12412 | % |
| 12413 | Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently |
| 12414 | these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people |
| 12415 | to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't |
| 12416 | communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so |
| 12417 | on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real |
| 12418 | life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't |
| 12419 | communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____\b\b\b\b\bleast |
| 12420 | he can do is to Shut Up! |
| 12421 | -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" |
| 12422 | % |
| 12423 | "Speed is subsittute fo accurancy." |
| 12424 | % |
| 12425 | Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: |
| 12426 | The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the |
| 12427 | number of times you have looked at it. |
| 12428 | % |
| 12429 | Spelling is a lossed art. |
| 12430 | % |
| 12431 | Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. |
| 12432 | % |
| 12433 | Spirtle, n.: |
| 12434 | The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in |
| 12435 | your eye. |
| 12436 | -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" |
| 12437 | % |
| 12438 | Spouse, n.: |
| 12439 | Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you |
| 12440 | wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. |
| 12441 | % |
| 12442 | "Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist |
| 12443 | drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'\bee of bat guano; and the |
| 12444 | greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll |
| 12445 | take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!" |
| 12446 | -- Harlan Ellison |
| 12447 | % |
| 12448 | Stay away from flying saucers today. |
| 12449 | % |
| 12450 | Stay away from hurricanes for a while. |
| 12451 | % |
| 12452 | "Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly." |
| 12453 | % |
| 12454 | Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: |
| 12455 | Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have |
| 12456 | another drink. |
| 12457 | % |
| 12458 | Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: |
| 12459 | Never test for an error condition you don't know how to |
| 12460 | handle. |
| 12461 | % |
| 12462 | Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. |
| 12463 | % |
| 12464 | Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only |
| 12465 | take a bath ... |
| 12466 | % |
| 12467 | Stult's Report: |
| 12468 | Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is |
| 12469 | fight the solutions. |
| 12470 | % |
| 12471 | Stupid, n.: |
| 12472 | Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. |
| 12473 | % |
| 12474 | Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? |
| 12475 | % |
| 12476 | Sturgeon's Law: |
| 12477 | 90% of everything is crud. |
| 12478 | % |
| 12479 | Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your |
| 12480 | editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. |
| 12481 | -- Mark Twain |
| 12482 | % |
| 12483 | Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way |
| 12484 | before it is understood. |
| 12485 | % |
| 12486 | Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. |
| 12487 | % |
| 12488 | Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar |
| 12489 | without his duck ... |
| 12490 | % |
| 12491 | (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) |
| 12492 | |
| 12493 | To code the impossible code, |
| 12494 | To bring up a virgin machine, |
| 12495 | To pop out of endless recursion, |
| 12496 | To grok what appears on the screen, |
| 12497 | |
| 12498 | To right the unrightable bug, |
| 12499 | To endlessly twiddle and thrash, |
| 12500 | To mount the unmountable magtape, |
| 12501 | To stop the unstoppable crash! |
| 12502 | % |
| 12503 | Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! |
| 12504 | % |
| 12505 | Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. |
| 12506 | % |
| 12507 | Support your local police force -- steal!! |
| 12508 | % |
| 12509 | Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. |
| 12510 | % |
| 12511 | Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! |
| 12512 | % |
| 12513 | Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type |
| 12514 | in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving |
| 12515 | the room is punishable under law: |
| 12516 | |
| 12517 | Name # |
| 12518 | % |
| 12519 | Surprise due today. Also the rent. |
| 12520 | % |
| 12521 | Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. |
| 12522 | % |
| 12523 | Swahili, n.: |
| 12524 | The language used by the National Enquirer to print their |
| 12525 | retractions. |
| 12526 | -- Johnny Hart |
| 12527 | % |
| 12528 | Sweater, n.: |
| 12529 | A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. |
| 12530 | % |
| 12531 | Swipple's Rule of Order: |
| 12532 | He who shouts the loudest has the floor. |
| 12533 | % |
| 12534 | Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. |
| 12535 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 |
| 12536 | % |
| 12537 | System/3! System/3! |
| 12538 | See how it runs! See how it runs! |
| 12539 | Its monitor loses so totally! |
| 12540 | It runs all its programs in RPG! |
| 12541 | It's made by our favorite monopoly! |
| 12542 | System/3! |
| 12543 | % |
| 12544 | Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad |
| 12545 | infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. |
| 12546 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 |
| 12547 | % |
| 12548 | T: One big monster, he called TROLL. |
| 12549 | He don't rock, and he don't roll; |
| 12550 | Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. |
| 12551 | He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. |
| 12552 | -- The Roguelet's ABC |
| 12553 | % |
| 12554 | Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a |
| 12555 | hole in his head. |
| 12556 | % |
| 12557 | Tact, n.: |
| 12558 | The unsaid part of what you're thinking. |
| 12559 | % |
| 12560 | Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. |
| 12561 | % |
| 12562 | Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting |
| 12563 | enough cheese |
| 12564 | -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" |
| 12565 | % |
| 12566 | Take it easy, we're in a hurry. |
| 12567 | % |
| 12568 | Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it |
| 12569 | needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. |
| 12570 | -- Kipling |
| 12571 | % |
| 12572 | Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit |
| 12573 | back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good |
| 12574 | beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up |
| 12575 | drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a |
| 12576 | nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves |
| 12577 | and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So |
| 12578 | Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw |
| 12579 | no need to improve ... |
| 12580 | -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" |
| 12581 | % |
| 12582 | Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to |
| 12583 | your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, |
| 12584 | and they'll call you crazy. |
| 12585 | -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" |
| 12586 | % |
| 12587 | Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. |
| 12588 | -- Euripides |
| 12589 | % |
| 12590 | Talkers are no good doers. |
| 12591 | -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" |
| 12592 | % |
| 12593 | Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. |
| 12594 | -- Friedrich Nietzsche |
| 12595 | % |
| 12596 | TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) |
| 12597 | You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged |
| 12598 | determination and work like hell. Most people think you are |
| 12599 | stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. |
| 12600 | % |
| 12601 | Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind |
| 12602 | the tree." |
| 12603 | -- Russell Long |
| 12604 | % |
| 12605 | Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself |
| 12606 | out of the market. |
| 12607 | % |
| 12608 | Taxes, n.: |
| 12609 | Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get |
| 12610 | an extension. |
| 12611 | % |
| 12612 | Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he |
| 12613 | grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. |
| 12614 | % |
| 12615 | Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. |
| 12616 | % |
| 12617 | Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means |
| 12618 | for going backwards. |
| 12619 | -- Aldous Huxley |
| 12620 | % |
| 12621 | Telephone, n.: |
| 12622 | An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the |
| 12623 | advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. |
| 12624 | -- Ambrose Bierce |
| 12625 | % |
| 12626 | Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, |
| 12627 | Is those things arms, or is they legs? |
| 12628 | I marvel at thee, Octopus; |
| 12629 | If I were thou, I'd call me us. |
| 12630 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 12631 | % |
| 12632 | Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop |
| 12633 | writing. |
| 12634 | -- R. Geis |
| 12635 | % |
| 12636 | "Terence, this is stupid stuff: |
| 12637 | You eat your victuals fast enough; |
| 12638 | There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, |
| 12639 | To see the rate you drink your beer. |
| 12640 | But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, |
| 12641 | It gives a chap the belly-ache. |
| 12642 | The cow, the old cow, she is dead; |
| 12643 | It sleeps well the horned head: |
| 12644 | We poor lads, 'tis our turn now |
| 12645 | To hear such tunes as killed the cow. |
| 12646 | Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme |
| 12647 | Your friends to death before their time. |
| 12648 | Moping, melancholy mad: |
| 12649 | Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad." |
| 12650 | -- A. E. Housman |
| 12651 | % |
| 12652 | "Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a |
| 12653 | surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one |
| 12654 | hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other |
| 12655 | hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother." |
| 12656 | -- Len Cool, "American Pie" |
| 12657 | % |
| 12658 | Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a |
| 12659 | pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city |
| 12660 | until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is |
| 12661 | ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe |
| 12662 | because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical |
| 12663 | fact, for he merely said: |
| 12664 | |
| 12665 | "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because |
| 12666 | it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain |
| 12667 | because it is impossible." |
| 12668 | |
| 12669 | Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of |
| 12670 | philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. |
| 12671 | -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types |
| 12672 | |
| 12673 | (Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). |
| 12674 | % |
| 12675 | Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. |
| 12676 | % |
| 12677 | Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. |
| 12678 | % |
| 12679 | "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even |
| 12680 | one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." |
| 12681 | -- J. Finnegan, USC. |
| 12682 | % |
| 12683 | Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. |
| 12684 | -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly |
| 12685 | % |
| 12686 | "That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver" |
| 12687 | -- Foghorn Leghorn |
| 12688 | % |
| 12689 | "That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all." |
| 12690 | % |
| 12691 | That secret you've been guarding, isn't. |
| 12692 | % |
| 12693 | That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. |
| 12694 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 12695 | % |
| 12696 | The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. |
| 12697 | % |
| 12698 | The Abrams' Principle: |
| 12699 | The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. |
| 12700 | % |
| 12701 | The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper |
| 12702 | -- Thomas Jefferson |
| 12703 | % |
| 12704 | The Advertising Agency Song: |
| 12705 | |
| 12706 | When your client's hopping mad, |
| 12707 | Put his picture in the ad. |
| 12708 | If he still should prove refractory, |
| 12709 | Add a picture of his factory. |
| 12710 | % |
| 12711 | "The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug |
| 12712 | someone with it." |
| 12713 | -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 |
| 12714 | % |
| 12715 | The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends |
| 12716 | for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic |
| 12717 | bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself |
| 12718 | constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are |
| 12719 | all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by |
| 12720 | neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby |
| 12721 | Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it |
| 12722 | would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the |
| 12723 | desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by |
| 12724 | fire-fighting aircraft. |
| 12725 | |
| 12726 | -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog |
| 12727 | % |
| 12728 | The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas |
| 12729 | River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little |
| 12730 | Rock. |
| 12731 | % |
| 12732 | The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. |
| 12733 | Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed |
| 12734 | and color, but also on ability. |
| 12735 | -- T. Lehrer |
| 12736 | % |
| 12737 | The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. |
| 12738 | -- Bill Murray |
| 12739 | % |
| 12740 | The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use |
| 12741 | in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the |
| 12742 | Declaration not for that, but for future use. |
| 12743 | -- Abraham Lincoln |
| 12744 | % |
| 12745 | The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. |
| 12746 | % |
| 12747 | The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the |
| 12748 | average man can see better than he can think. |
| 12749 | % |
| 12750 | "The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by |
| 12751 | people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried |
| 12752 | anything." |
| 12753 | -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore |
| 12754 | % |
| 12755 | The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than |
| 12756 | cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and |
| 12757 | difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, |
| 12758 | which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- |
| 12759 | here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO |
| 12760 | RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you |
| 12761 | want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking |
| 12762 | lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a |
| 12763 | squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out |
| 12764 | and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, |
| 12765 | his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was |
| 12766 | neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking |
| 12767 | lots. |
| 12768 | -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" |
| 12769 | % |
| 12770 | The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit |
| 12771 | called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in |
| 12772 | writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would |
| 12773 | be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices |
| 12774 | immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a |
| 12775 | bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special |
| 12776 | Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of |
| 12777 | paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty |
| 12778 | would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. |
| 12779 | The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to |
| 12780 | emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood |
| 12781 | Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." |
| 12782 | -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" |
| 12783 | % |
| 12784 | The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; |
| 12785 | but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. |
| 12786 | % |
| 12787 | The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. |
| 12788 | -- W. C. Fields |
| 12789 | % |
| 12790 | The best defense against logic is ignorance. |
| 12791 | % |
| 12792 | The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. |
| 12793 | % |
| 12794 | "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and |
| 12795 | blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. |
| 12796 | You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at |
| 12797 | night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only |
| 12798 | love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or |
| 12799 | know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only |
| 12800 | one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what |
| 12801 | wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, |
| 12802 | never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never |
| 12803 | dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a |
| 12804 | lot of things there are to learn." |
| 12805 | -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" |
| 12806 | % |
| 12807 | The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them |
| 12808 | is a match. |
| 12809 | -- Will Rogers |
| 12810 | % |
| 12811 | The bigger the theory the better. |
| 12812 | % |
| 12813 | The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse |
| 12814 | time. |
| 12815 | -- Merrick Furst |
| 12816 | % |
| 12817 | The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss |
| 12818 | Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. |
| 12819 | |
| 12820 | It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been |
| 12821 | known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, |
| 12822 | in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two |
| 12823 | under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of |
| 12824 | people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a |
| 12825 | city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking |
| 12826 | umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of |
| 12827 | activity that frightens the horses on the street ... |
| 12828 | % |
| 12829 | "The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch." |
| 12830 | % |
| 12831 | The bogosity meter just pegged. |
| 12832 | % |
| 12833 | The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up |
| 12834 | in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. |
| 12835 | % |
| 12836 | The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: |
| 12837 | To determine how long it will take to write and debug a |
| 12838 | program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and |
| 12839 | convert to the next higher units. |
| 12840 | % |
| 12841 | The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. |
| 12842 | Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in |
| 12843 | automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. |
| 12844 | -- Art Buchwald |
| 12845 | % |
| 12846 | The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding |
| 12847 | bureaucracy. |
| 12848 | % |
| 12849 | "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the |
| 12850 | flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language." |
| 12851 | % |
| 12852 | The camel has a single hump; |
| 12853 | The dromedary two; |
| 12854 | Or else the other way around. |
| 12855 | I'm never sure. Are you? |
| 12856 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 12857 | % |
| 12858 | The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly |
| 12859 | greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed |
| 12860 | inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner |
| 12861 | party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. |
| 12862 | -- H. L. Mencken |
| 12863 | % |
| 12864 | "The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain." |
| 12865 | -- G. Fitch |
| 12866 | % |
| 12867 | The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up |
| 12868 | at the steam fitters' picnic. |
| 12869 | % |
| 12870 | The chief cause of problems is solutions. |
| 12871 | % |
| 12872 | The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. |
| 12873 | -- Alfred Adler |
| 12874 | % |
| 12875 | The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will |
| 12876 | walk carefully. |
| 12877 | -- Russian Proverb |
| 12878 | % |
| 12879 | "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live |
| 12880 | elsewhere." |
| 12881 | % |
| 12882 | "The Computer made me do it." |
| 12883 | % |
| 12884 | The computing field is always in need of new cliches. |
| 12885 | -- Alan Perlis |
| 12886 | % |
| 12887 | The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his |
| 12888 | memos. |
| 12889 | -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 |
| 12890 | % |
| 12891 | The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other |
| 12892 | subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up |
| 12893 | every bird watcher in the country. |
| 12894 | -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 |
| 12895 | % |
| 12896 | The Consultant's Curse: |
| 12897 | When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him |
| 12898 | what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong |
| 12899 | medicine, and is normally only required once. |
| 12900 | % |
| 12901 | The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is |
| 12902 | none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." |
| 12903 | Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. |
| 12904 | Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you |
| 12905 | talked about. |
| 12906 | -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" |
| 12907 | % |
| 12908 | The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. |
| 12909 | % |
| 12910 | The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going |
| 12911 | down. |
| 12912 | % |
| 12913 | The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to |
| 12914 | eat. |
| 12915 | -- John McNulty |
| 12916 | % |
| 12917 | The Crown is full of it! |
| 12918 | -- Nate Harris, 1775 |
| 12919 | % |
| 12920 | The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should |
| 12921 | therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could |
| 12922 | hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to |
| 12923 | declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, |
| 12924 | then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. |
| 12925 | Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. |
| 12926 | -- William Ellery Channing |
| 12927 | % |
| 12928 | The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. |
| 12929 | % |
| 12930 | The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of |
| 12931 | us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching |
| 12932 | Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. |
| 12933 | % |
| 12934 | The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? |
| 12935 | % |
| 12936 | The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. |
| 12937 | % |
| 12938 | "The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell |
| 12939 | into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him |
| 12940 | out again, it would be a calamity." |
| 12941 | -- Benjamin Disraeli |
| 12942 | % |
| 12943 | The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science |
| 12944 | requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require |
| 12945 | scholarship. |
| 12946 | -- Robert Heinlein |
| 12947 | % |
| 12948 | The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the |
| 12949 | following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: |
| 12950 | |
| 12951 | "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. |
| 12952 | Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is |
| 12953 | Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. |
| 12954 | "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. |
| 12955 | Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. |
| 12956 | Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. |
| 12957 | Macaroons are ____\b\b\b\bvery Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is |
| 12958 | goyish. Lime soda is ____\b\b\b\bvery goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that |
| 12959 | Jews won't go near them ..." |
| 12960 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
| 12961 | % |
| 12962 | The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on |
| 12963 | a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. |
| 12964 | % |
| 12965 | The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man |
| 12966 | really clever who has not found that he is stupid. |
| 12967 | -- Gilbert K. Chesterson |
| 12968 | % |
| 12969 | The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show |
| 12970 | off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his |
| 12971 | next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the |
| 12972 | duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the |
| 12973 | duck and returned it to his master. |
| 12974 | "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. |
| 12975 | "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't |
| 12976 | swim." |
| 12977 | % |
| 12978 | The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late |
| 12979 | and owns the worm farm. |
| 12980 | -- Travis McGee |
| 12981 | % |
| 12982 | The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. |
| 12983 | % |
| 12984 | The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and |
| 12985 | add ten percent. |
| 12986 | % |
| 12987 | The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on |
| 12988 | weather forecasters. |
| 12989 | -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann |
| 12990 | % |
| 12991 | "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not |
| 12992 | Compute' -- I forget which." |
| 12993 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 |
| 12994 | % |
| 12995 | The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of |
| 12996 | civilization. |
| 12997 | -- Ralph Waldo Emerson |
| 12998 | % |
| 12999 | The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with |
| 13000 | symposium to follow. |
| 13001 | % |
| 13002 | The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach |
| 13003 | their children to speak it. |
| 13004 | -- George Bernard Shaw |
| 13005 | % |
| 13006 | The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a |
| 13007 | remarkable Christian forbearance among men. |
| 13008 | -- Ambrose Bierce |
| 13009 | % |
| 13010 | The fact that it works is immaterial. |
| 13011 | -- L. Ogborn |
| 13012 | % |
| 13013 | The faster we go, the rounder we get. |
| 13014 | -- The Grateful Dead |
| 13015 | % |
| 13016 | The Fifth Rule: |
| 13017 | You have taken yourself too seriously. |
| 13018 | % |
| 13019 | The First Commandment for Technicians: |
| 13020 | Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged |
| 13021 | capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most |
| 13022 | untechnician-like manner. |
| 13023 | % |
| 13024 | The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. |
| 13025 | -- Abbie Hoffman |
| 13026 | % |
| 13027 | The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King |
| 13028 | Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a |
| 13029 | tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad |
| 13030 | forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously |
| 13031 | fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of |
| 13032 | threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked |
| 13033 | suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of |
| 13034 | foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead |
| 13035 | one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with |
| 13036 | dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found |
| 13037 | drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown |
| 13038 | and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have |
| 13039 | thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture |
| 13040 | of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left |
| 13041 | in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed |
| 13042 | crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave |
| 13043 | Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when |
| 13044 | a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful |
| 13045 | throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. |
| 13046 | -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" |
| 13047 | % |
| 13048 | The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of |
| 13049 | management is that success equals skill. |
| 13050 | -- Robert Heller |
| 13051 | % |
| 13052 | The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish |
| 13053 | child, was propounded to me by my father: |
| 13054 | "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and |
| 13055 | whistles?" |
| 13056 | I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity |
| 13057 | gave up. |
| 13058 | "A herring," said my father. |
| 13059 | "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" |
| 13060 | "So hang it there." |
| 13061 | "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. |
| 13062 | "Paint it." |
| 13063 | "But a herring isn't wet." |
| 13064 | "If it's just painted it's still wet." |
| 13065 | "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring |
| 13066 | doesn't whistle!!" |
| 13067 | "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it |
| 13068 | hard." |
| 13069 | -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" |
| 13070 | % |
| 13071 | "The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your |
| 13072 | hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do." |
| 13073 | -- McCloctnik the Lucid |
| 13074 | % |
| 13075 | The First Rule of Program Optimization: |
| 13076 | Don't do it. |
| 13077 | |
| 13078 | The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): |
| 13079 | Don't do it yet. |
| 13080 | -- Michael Jackson |
| 13081 | % |
| 13082 | The first time, it's a KLUDGE! |
| 13083 | The second, a trick. |
| 13084 | Later, it's a well-established technique! |
| 13085 | -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics |
| 13086 | % |
| 13087 | The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions |
| 13088 | Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: |
| 13089 | |
| 13090 | As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of |
| 13091 | logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more |
| 13092 | appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the |
| 13093 | four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. |
| 13094 | . . . |
| 13095 | Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible |
| 13096 | blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves |
| 13097 | parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge |
| 13098 | of the hyper-cube. |
| 13099 | % |
| 13100 | The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by |
| 13101 | people who want some. |
| 13102 | -- Dwight MacDonald |
| 13103 | % |
| 13104 | The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by |
| 13105 | a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. |
| 13106 | % |
| 13107 | "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and |
| 13108 | vinyl." |
| 13109 | -- Dave Barry |
| 13110 | % |
| 13111 | The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the |
| 13112 | number of your kids by 32 teeth. |
| 13113 | % |
| 13114 | The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to |
| 13115 | chance. |
| 13116 | % |
| 13117 | The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. |
| 13118 | % |
| 13119 | The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the |
| 13120 | center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South |
| 13121 | Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South |
| 13122 | End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. |
| 13123 | % |
| 13124 | The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled |
| 13125 | today. |
| 13126 | % |
| 13127 | The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at |
| 13128 | least until we've finished building it. |
| 13129 | % |
| 13130 | The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature |
| 13131 | is to build better mice. |
| 13132 | % |
| 13133 | The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him |
| 13134 | love and he invented marriage. |
| 13135 | % |
| 13136 | THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES |
| 13137 | The one who has the gold makes the rules. |
| 13138 | % |
| 13139 | "The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who |
| 13140 | make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians |
| 13141 | have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine |
| 13142 | man in the bonds of Hell." |
| 13143 | -- St. Augustine |
| 13144 | % |
| 13145 | The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got |
| 13146 | to be good. |
| 13147 | % |
| 13148 | The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of |
| 13149 | statistics. These are raised to the _\bnth degree, the cube roots are |
| 13150 | extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive |
| 13151 | displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every |
| 13152 | case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts |
| 13153 | down anything he damn well pleases. |
| 13154 | -- Sir Josiah Stamp |
| 13155 | % |
| 13156 | The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all |
| 13157 | who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. |
| 13158 | -- Benjamin Franklin. |
| 13159 | % |
| 13160 | The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: |
| 13161 | The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in |
| 13162 | courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk |
| 13163 | clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods |
| 13164 | of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp |
| 13165 | Hedgehog Eater. |
| 13166 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 13167 | % |
| 13168 | The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men |
| 13169 | of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. |
| 13170 | -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis |
| 13171 | % |
| 13172 | The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. |
| 13173 | -- Albert Einstein |
| 13174 | % |
| 13175 | The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom |
| 13176 | whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, |
| 13177 | nohow. |
| 13178 | % |
| 13179 | The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: |
| 13180 | You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. |
| 13181 | % |
| 13182 | The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent |
| 13183 | thinkers. |
| 13184 | % |
| 13185 | The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, |
| 13186 | which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at |
| 13187 | least 5000 years old." |
| 13188 | % |
| 13189 | The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for |
| 13190 | lists of "Ten Best". |
| 13191 | -- H. Allen Smith |
| 13192 | % |
| 13193 | "The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and |
| 13194 | has gills through which it can see." |
| 13195 | -- Monty Python |
| 13196 | % |
| 13197 | The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity |
| 13198 | -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. |
| 13199 | % |
| 13200 | The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange |
| 13201 | protein -- it rejects it. |
| 13202 | -- P. Medawar |
| 13203 | % |
| 13204 | The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can |
| 13205 | remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider |
| 13206 | struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in |
| 13207 | spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and |
| 13208 | wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head |
| 13209 | off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. |
| 13210 | -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" |
| 13211 | % |
| 13212 | The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. |
| 13213 | -- Mark Twain |
| 13214 | % |
| 13215 | The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that |
| 13216 | procession but carrying a banner. |
| 13217 | -- Mark Twain |
| 13218 | % |
| 13219 | The idea is to die young as late as possible. |
| 13220 | -- Ashley Montague |
| 13221 | % |
| 13222 | The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic |
| 13223 | devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, |
| 13224 | where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with |
| 13225 | sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, |
| 13226 | consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than |
| 13227 | have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones |
| 13228 | repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist |
| 13229 | of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic |
| 13230 | devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" |
| 13231 | -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" |
| 13232 | % |
| 13233 | "The identical is equal to itself, since it is different." |
| 13234 | -- Franco Spisani |
| 13235 | % |
| 13236 | "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit |
| 13237 | longer." |
| 13238 | -- Henry Kissinger |
| 13239 | % |
| 13240 | The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf |
| 13241 | has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know |
| 13242 | when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. |
| 13243 | -- Will Rogers |
| 13244 | % |
| 13245 | The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important |
| 13246 | point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly |
| 13247 | important thing to people. |
| 13248 | -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King |
| 13249 | % |
| 13250 | The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the |
| 13251 | number of participants. |
| 13252 | -- Adam Walinsky |
| 13253 | % |
| 13254 | The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided |
| 13255 | by the number of people in the group. |
| 13256 | % |
| 13257 | The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free |
| 13258 | information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a |
| 13259 | dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a |
| 13260 | real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. |
| 13261 | |
| 13262 | So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never |
| 13263 | pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big |
| 13264 | consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... |
| 13265 | -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" |
| 13266 | % |
| 13267 | The Kennedy Constant: |
| 13268 | Don't get mad -- get even. |
| 13269 | % |
| 13270 | The Killer Ducks are coming!!! |
| 13271 | % |
| 13272 | The ladies men admire, I've heard, |
| 13273 | Would shudder at a wicked word. |
| 13274 | Their candle gives a single light; |
| 13275 | They'd rather stay at home at night. |
| 13276 | They do not keep awake till three, |
| 13277 | Nor read erotic poetry. |
| 13278 | They never sanction the impure, |
| 13279 | Nor recognize an overture. |
| 13280 | They shrink from powders and from paints ... |
| 13281 | So far, I've had no complaints. |
| 13282 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 13283 | % |
| 13284 | "The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a |
| 13285 | word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about |
| 13286 | drugs.' |
| 13287 | -- Roy Blount, Jr. |
| 13288 | % |
| 13289 | The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the |
| 13290 | poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal |
| 13291 | bread. |
| 13292 | -- Anatole France |
| 13293 | % |
| 13294 | The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the |
| 13295 | law free. |
| 13296 | -- Henry David Thoreau |
| 13297 | % |
| 13298 | "The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all |
| 13299 | men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the |
| 13300 | universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we |
| 13301 | presently imagine we own." |
| 13302 | -- H.G. Wells |
| 13303 | % |
| 13304 | The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching |
| 13305 | train. |
| 13306 | % |
| 13307 | The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. |
| 13308 | % |
| 13309 | The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get |
| 13310 | much sleep. |
| 13311 | -- Woody Allen |
| 13312 | % |
| 13313 | The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. |
| 13314 | -- Henry Kissinger |
| 13315 | % |
| 13316 | "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as |
| 13317 | we could with both of them." |
| 13318 | -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" |
| 13319 | % |
| 13320 | The makers may make |
| 13321 | and the users may use, |
| 13322 | but the fixers must fix |
| 13323 | with but minimal clues |
| 13324 | % |
| 13325 | The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the |
| 13326 | crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no |
| 13327 | one has ever been. |
| 13328 | -- Alan Ashley-Pitt |
| 13329 | % |
| 13330 | The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that |
| 13331 | will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. |
| 13332 | -- Mark Twain. |
| 13333 | % |
| 13334 | The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a |
| 13335 | soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which |
| 13336 | when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. |
| 13337 | % |
| 13338 | The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. |
| 13339 | % |
| 13340 | The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to |
| 13341 | devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. |
| 13342 | -- Lew Mammel, Jr. |
| 13343 | % |
| 13344 | The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might |
| 13345 | be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the |
| 13346 | law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was |
| 13347 | guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples |
| 13348 | Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking |
| 13349 | Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality |
| 13350 | of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive |
| 13351 | power. |
| 13352 | -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems |
| 13353 | Thinking." |
| 13354 | % |
| 13355 | The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. |
| 13356 | -- Laurence J. Peter |
| 13357 | % |
| 13358 | The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. |
| 13359 | -- Nicol Williamson |
| 13360 | % |
| 13361 | The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. |
| 13362 | % |
| 13363 | The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. |
| 13364 | % |
| 13365 | "The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the |
| 13366 | lower the mailing cost." |
| 13367 | -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" |
| 13368 | % |
| 13369 | The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and |
| 13370 | robbers there will be. |
| 13371 | -- Lao Tsu |
| 13372 | % |
| 13373 | The more things change, the more they stay insane. |
| 13374 | % |
| 13375 | The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us |
| 13376 | is right. |
| 13377 | % |
| 13378 | The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. |
| 13379 | -- Andy Warhol |
| 13380 | % |
| 13381 | "The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and |
| 13382 | to watch someone else do it wrong without comment." |
| 13383 | -- Theodore H. White |
| 13384 | % |
| 13385 | The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new |
| 13386 | discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." |
| 13387 | -- Isaac Asimov |
| 13388 | % |
| 13389 | The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. |
| 13390 | % |
| 13391 | "The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in |
| 13392 | 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." |
| 13393 | -- D. Letterman |
| 13394 | % |
| 13395 | The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: |
| 13396 | Support your right to bare arms! |
| 13397 | % |
| 13398 | The net of law is spread so wide, |
| 13399 | No sinner from its sweep may hide. |
| 13400 | Its meshes are so fine and strong, |
| 13401 | They take in every child of wrong. |
| 13402 | O wondrous web of mystery! |
| 13403 | Big fish alone escape from thee! |
| 13404 | -- James Jeffrey Roche |
| 13405 | % |
| 13406 | The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I |
| 13407 | hope I don't get run over again. |
| 13408 | % |
| 13409 | The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, |
| 13410 | in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. |
| 13411 | |
| 13412 | But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for |
| 13413 | whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. |
| 13414 | -- Matthew 5:37 |
| 13415 | % |
| 13416 | "The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The |
| 13417 | Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. |
| 13418 | The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive |
| 13419 | and running the country ..." |
| 13420 | -- Robert J Woodhead |
| 13421 | % |
| 13422 | The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to |
| 13423 | choose from. |
| 13424 | -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum |
| 13425 | % |
| 13426 | The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the |
| 13427 | 80-column card. |
| 13428 | -- Dennis M. Ritchie |
| 13429 | % |
| 13430 | The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should |
| 13431 | serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society |
| 13432 | these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their |
| 13433 | function is to serve as checks upon the state. |
| 13434 | -- Alan Barth |
| 13435 | % |
| 13436 | The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are |
| 13437 | correct. |
| 13438 | -- Ralph Hartley |
| 13439 | % |
| 13440 | The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly |
| 13441 | analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their |
| 13442 | occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve |
| 13443 | these problems when called upon. |
| 13444 | |
| 13445 | However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to |
| 13446 | remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. |
| 13447 | % |
| 13448 | The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: |
| 13449 | Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, |
| 13450 | Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate |
| 13451 | Planning." |
| 13452 | % |
| 13453 | The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. |
| 13454 | % |
| 13455 | The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader |
| 13456 | catch his own breath. |
| 13457 | -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart |
| 13458 | % |
| 13459 | The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age |
| 13460 | brings wisdom. |
| 13461 | -- H. L. Mencken |
| 13462 | % |
| 13463 | The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when |
| 13464 | to cringe. |
| 13465 | % |
| 13466 | The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the |
| 13467 | `social sciences' is: some do, some don't. |
| 13468 | -- Ernest Rutherford |
| 13469 | % |
| 13470 | The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop |
| 13471 | and take a rest. |
| 13472 | % |
| 13473 | "The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon." |
| 13474 | -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and |
| 13475 | Over and Over" |
| 13476 | % |
| 13477 | The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. |
| 13478 | % |
| 13479 | The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber |
| 13480 | has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, |
| 13481 | finished, and put inside boxes. |
| 13482 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" |
| 13483 | % |
| 13484 | The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any |
| 13485 | use to oneself. |
| 13486 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 13487 | % |
| 13488 | "The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from |
| 13489 | history." |
| 13490 | -- Hegel |
| 13491 | |
| 13492 | "I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the |
| 13493 | long view." |
| 13494 | -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" |
| 13495 | % |
| 13496 | The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. |
| 13497 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 13498 | % |
| 13499 | The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up |
| 13500 | until 5 or 6 p.m. |
| 13501 | % |
| 13502 | The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. |
| 13503 | -- Bohr |
| 13504 | % |
| 13505 | The optimum committee has no members. |
| 13506 | -- Norman Augustine |
| 13507 | % |
| 13508 | "The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost |
| 13509 | went back in time." |
| 13510 | -- Steven Wright |
| 13511 | % |
| 13512 | The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because |
| 13513 | it isn't here. |
| 13514 | -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) |
| 13515 | % |
| 13516 | The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it |
| 13517 | were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. |
| 13518 | -- H. L. Mencken |
| 13519 | % |
| 13520 | The Pig, if I am not mistaken, |
| 13521 | Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. |
| 13522 | Let others think his heart is big, |
| 13523 | I think it stupid of the Pig. |
| 13524 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 13525 | % |
| 13526 | The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter |
| 13527 | swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the |
| 13528 | batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The |
| 13529 | center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute |
| 13530 | his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. |
| 13531 | -- Dizzy Dean |
| 13532 | % |
| 13533 | The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. |
| 13534 | -- David Lardner |
| 13535 | % |
| 13536 | The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish |
| 13537 | to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it |
| 13538 | is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of |
| 13539 | courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own |
| 13540 | preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper |
| 13541 | social function of expressing true distaste. |
| 13542 | -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to |
| 13543 | Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" |
| 13544 | % |
| 13545 | "The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more |
| 13546 | often." |
| 13547 | % |
| 13548 | The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, |
| 13549 | Were each of them once a kiddie. |
| 13550 | A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. |
| 13551 | Do I want one? God Forbiddie! |
| 13552 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 13553 | % |
| 13554 | The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his |
| 13555 | brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is |
| 13556 | Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. |
| 13557 | -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter |
| 13558 | % |
| 13559 | The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday |
| 13560 | they might force their beliefs on us. |
| 13561 | -- Mario Cuomo |
| 13562 | % |
| 13563 | The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired |
| 13564 | warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by |
| 13565 | changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped |
| 13566 | marker. |
| 13567 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" |
| 13568 | % |
| 13569 | The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to |
| 13570 | constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every |
| 13571 | appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA |
| 13572 | statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This |
| 13573 | also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. |
| 13574 | -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers |
| 13575 | % |
| 13576 | The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough |
| 13577 | voters to win the next election. |
| 13578 | % |
| 13579 | The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" |
| 13580 | represents the secondary theme: |
| 13581 | |
| 13582 | Law Enforcement Officials |
| 13583 | |
| 13584 | The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: |
| 13585 | |
| 13586 | Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials |
| 13587 | % |
| 13588 | The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the |
| 13589 | stupidity of your action. |
| 13590 | % |
| 13591 | The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. |
| 13592 | Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil |
| 13593 | using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle |
| 13594 | Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, |
| 13595 | etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous |
| 13596 | bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None |
| 13597 | of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats |
| 13598 | developed cancer. |
| 13599 | -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" |
| 13600 | % |
| 13601 | The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go |
| 13602 | to erase it. |
| 13603 | -- Glaser and Way |
| 13604 | % |
| 13605 | The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get |
| 13606 | results. |
| 13607 | |
| 13608 | The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy |
| 13609 | problems in order to get results. |
| 13610 | |
| 13611 | The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy |
| 13612 | problems in order to get results. |
| 13613 | % |
| 13614 | The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be |
| 13615 | pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. |
| 13616 | -- Elizabeth Taylor |
| 13617 | % |
| 13618 | The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. |
| 13619 | % |
| 13620 | The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's |
| 13621 | outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by |
| 13622 | mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once |
| 13623 | tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims |
| 13624 | the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. |
| 13625 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 13626 | % |
| 13627 | "The pyramid is opening!" |
| 13628 | "Which one?" |
| 13629 | "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" |
| 13630 | -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At |
| 13631 | Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" |
| 13632 | % |
| 13633 | The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: |
| 13634 | "My brain is paged out to my liver" |
| 13635 | % |
| 13636 | The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is |
| 13637 | it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, |
| 13638 | that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of |
| 13639 | industrial waste? |
| 13640 | -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" |
| 13641 | % |
| 13642 | The rain it raineth on the just |
| 13643 | And also on the unjust fella, |
| 13644 | But chiefly on the just, because |
| 13645 | The unjust steals the just's umbrella. |
| 13646 | % |
| 13647 | The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is |
| 13648 | cursed. |
| 13649 | % |
| 13650 | The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. |
| 13651 | % |
| 13652 | The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", |
| 13653 | which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape |
| 13654 | Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil |
| 13655 | Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. |
| 13656 | -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" |
| 13657 | % |
| 13658 | The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's |
| 13659 | absolutely not. |
| 13660 | -- Bill Gates |
| 13661 | % |
| 13662 | The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one |
| 13663 | persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all |
| 13664 | progress depends on the unreasonable man. |
| 13665 | -- George Bernard Shaw |
| 13666 | % |
| 13667 | The revolution will not be televised. |
| 13668 | % |
| 13669 | The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. |
| 13670 | -- Emerson |
| 13671 | % |
| 13672 | The rhino is a homely beast, |
| 13673 | For human eyes he's not a feast. |
| 13674 | Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, |
| 13675 | I'll stare at something less prepoceros. |
| 13676 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 13677 | % |
| 13678 | The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This |
| 13679 | means that only left handed people are in their right mind. |
| 13680 | % |
| 13681 | "The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests |
| 13682 | and to his imagination for his facts." |
| 13683 | -- Sheridan |
| 13684 | % |
| 13685 | The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. |
| 13686 | -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas |
| 13687 | % |
| 13688 | "The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the |
| 13689 | House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights |
| 13690 | you have and what rights you have not got." |
| 13691 | -- J. Parnell Thomas |
| 13692 | % |
| 13693 | The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with |
| 13694 | sloppy analysis! |
| 13695 | % |
| 13696 | The Roman Rule |
| 13697 | The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the |
| 13698 | one who is doing it. |
| 13699 | % |
| 13700 | The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in |
| 13701 | his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on |
| 13702 | one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't |
| 13703 | take it too seriously. |
| 13704 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 13705 | % |
| 13706 | The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or |
| 13707 | give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. |
| 13708 | -- Jane Bryant Quinn |
| 13709 | % |
| 13710 | "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" |
| 13711 | % |
| 13712 | The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 |
| 13713 | showed that all had these things in common: |
| 13714 | |
| 13715 | (1) They all had moderate appetites. |
| 13716 | (2) They all came from middle class homes |
| 13717 | (3) All but two of them were dead. |
| 13718 | % |
| 13719 | The scum also rises. |
| 13720 | -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson |
| 13721 | % |
| 13722 | The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, |
| 13723 | respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones |
| 13724 | from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the |
| 13725 | milestones are lifted. |
| 13726 | -- George Bernard Shaw |
| 13727 | % |
| 13728 | The Seventh Commandments for Technicians |
| 13729 | Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy |
| 13730 | fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in |
| 13731 | other ways. |
| 13732 | % |
| 13733 | The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. |
| 13734 | % |
| 13735 | The shortest distance between two points is under construction. |
| 13736 | -- Noelie Alito |
| 13737 | % |
| 13738 | The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: |
| 13739 | The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going |
| 13740 | in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long |
| 13741 | way.) |
| 13742 | -- Dan Roddick |
| 13743 | % |
| 13744 | "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity |
| 13745 | and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted |
| 13746 | activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... |
| 13747 | neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water." |
| 13748 | % |
| 13749 | "The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their |
| 13750 | money." |
| 13751 | -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" |
| 13752 | % |
| 13753 | "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" |
| 13754 | % |
| 13755 | The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be |
| 13756 | able to correct them. |
| 13757 | -- Nicolaides |
| 13758 | % |
| 13759 | The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. |
| 13760 | % |
| 13761 | The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's |
| 13762 | readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of |
| 13763 | some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet |
| 13764 | reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led |
| 13765 | the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well |
| 13766 | known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at |
| 13767 | Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program |
| 13768 | of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of |
| 13769 | psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three |
| 13770 | Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That |
| 13771 | these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a |
| 13772 | further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want |
| 13773 | something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from |
| 13774 | the Russians. |
| 13775 | -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 |
| 13776 | % |
| 13777 | The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. |
| 13778 | % |
| 13779 | The steady state of disks is full. |
| 13780 | -- Ken Thompson |
| 13781 | % |
| 13782 | The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make |
| 13783 | them unsafe. |
| 13784 | -- Mayor Frank Rizzo |
| 13785 | % |
| 13786 | "The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and |
| 13787 | is an emerging underachiever." |
| 13788 | % |
| 13789 | The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant |
| 13790 | biology. |
| 13791 | % |
| 13792 | "The subspace _\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _\bV. And there aren't |
| 13793 | even any property taxes." |
| 13794 | -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b |
| 13795 | % |
| 13796 | The sum of the Universe is zero. |
| 13797 | % |
| 13798 | The sun was shining on the sea, |
| 13799 | Shining with all his might: |
| 13800 | He did his very best to make |
| 13801 | The billows smooth and bright -- |
| 13802 | And this was very odd, because it was |
| 13803 | The middle of the night. |
| 13804 | -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" |
| 13805 | % |
| 13806 | The superfluous is very necessary. |
| 13807 | -- Voltaire |
| 13808 | % |
| 13809 | The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. |
| 13810 | -- Mark Twain |
| 13811 | % |
| 13812 | The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our |
| 13813 | authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as |
| 13814 | the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as |
| 13815 | the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much |
| 13816 | radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much |
| 13817 | as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we |
| 13818 | receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the |
| 13819 | Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will |
| 13820 | heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to |
| 13821 | the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much |
| 13822 | heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for |
| 13823 | radiation, (_\bH/_\bE)^4 = 50, where _\bE is the absolute temperature of the |
| 13824 | earth (~300K), gives _\bH as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell |
| 13825 | cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the |
| 13826 | fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which |
| 13827 | burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means |
| 13828 | that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We |
| 13829 | have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. |
| 13830 | -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 |
| 13831 | % |
| 13832 | The Third Law of Photography: |
| 13833 | If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined |
| 13834 | when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark |
| 13835 | leaks out. |
| 13836 | % |
| 13837 | The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: |
| 13838 | |
| 13839 | The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. |
| 13840 | The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break |
| 13841 | even. |
| 13842 | The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. |
| 13843 | % |
| 13844 | The trouble with a kitten is that |
| 13845 | When it grows up, it's always a cat |
| 13846 | -- Ogden Nash. |
| 13847 | % |
| 13848 | The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. |
| 13849 | % |
| 13850 | The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate |
| 13851 | it. |
| 13852 | -- Franklin P. Jones |
| 13853 | % |
| 13854 | The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing |
| 13855 | more important to do. |
| 13856 | % |
| 13857 | The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody |
| 13858 | appreciates how difficult it was. |
| 13859 | % |
| 13860 | The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. |
| 13861 | -- Ken Kesey |
| 13862 | % |
| 13863 | The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. |
| 13864 | -- Lenny Bruce |
| 13865 | % |
| 13866 | The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And |
| 13867 | vice versa. |
| 13868 | % |
| 13869 | The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks |
| 13870 | Which practically conceal its sex. |
| 13871 | I think it clever of the turtle |
| 13872 | In such a fix to be so fertile. |
| 13873 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 13874 | % |
| 13875 | "The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and |
| 13876 | stupidity." |
| 13877 | % |
| 13878 | The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more |
| 13879 | annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. |
| 13880 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 13881 | % |
| 13882 | The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are |
| 13883 | "100 percent American"... |
| 13884 | -- U. S. Army (1945) |
| 13885 | % |
| 13886 | The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to |
| 13887 | everybody and still nobody likes him. |
| 13888 | -- Jim Samuels |
| 13889 | % |
| 13890 | The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be |
| 13891 | broken. |
| 13892 | % |
| 13893 | The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the |
| 13894 | combination is locked up in the safe. |
| 13895 | -- Peter DeVries |
| 13896 | % |
| 13897 | The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie |
| 13898 | Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said |
| 13899 | to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his |
| 13900 | decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." |
| 13901 | % |
| 13902 | The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and |
| 13903 | religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging |
| 13904 | from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its |
| 13905 | yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the |
| 13906 | world put together. |
| 13907 | -- Sir Peter Medawar |
| 13908 | % |
| 13909 | The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes |
| 13910 | the worst cigars. |
| 13911 | -- H. L. Mencken |
| 13912 | % |
| 13913 | The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid |
| 13914 | prejudice. |
| 13915 | -- Mark Twain |
| 13916 | % |
| 13917 | The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. |
| 13918 | Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts |
| 13919 | to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to |
| 13920 | be one of the facts that needs altering. |
| 13921 | -- Dr. Who, "Face of Evil" |
| 13922 | % |
| 13923 | "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." |
| 13924 | % |
| 13925 | "The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, |
| 13926 | it's just a tired feeling:" |
| 13927 | % |
| 13928 | The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. |
| 13929 | % |
| 13930 | "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity |
| 13931 | that would be clearly understood." |
| 13932 | -- Alexander Haig |
| 13933 | % |
| 13934 | "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start |
| 13935 | with a large fortune." |
| 13936 | % |
| 13937 | The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, |
| 13938 | Like Jaspar wine and sugar, |
| 13939 | It must have blown through someone's feet, |
| 13940 | Like those of Caspar Weinberger. |
| 13941 | -- P. Opus |
| 13942 | % |
| 13943 | The world is coming to an end. Please log off. |
| 13944 | % |
| 13945 | The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! |
| 13946 | % |
| 13947 | The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! |
| 13948 | % |
| 13949 | The world's as ugly as sin, |
| 13950 | And almost as delightful |
| 13951 | -- Frederick Locker-Lampson |
| 13952 | % |
| 13953 | The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of |
| 13954 | four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all |
| 13955 | the answers. |
| 13956 | % |
| 13957 | Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. |
| 13958 | |
| 13959 | He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, |
| 13960 | then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open |
| 13961 | market. |
| 13962 | |
| 13963 | If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should |
| 13964 | not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. |
| 13965 | |
| 13966 | Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. |
| 13967 | Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. |
| 13968 | Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. |
| 13969 | -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" |
| 13970 | % |
| 13971 | Then here's to the City of Boston, |
| 13972 | The town of the cries and the groans. |
| 13973 | Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, |
| 13974 | And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. |
| 13975 | -- Franklin Pierce Adams |
| 13976 | % |
| 13977 | There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, |
| 13978 | and praiseworthy ... |
| 13979 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 13980 | % |
| 13981 | There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own |
| 13982 | cats. |
| 13983 | % |
| 13984 | There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis |
| 13985 | are chosen correctly. |
| 13986 | % |
| 13987 | There are no games on this system. |
| 13988 | % |
| 13989 | There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the |
| 13990 | existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any |
| 13991 | marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat |
| 13992 | engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is |
| 13993 | obviously impossible. |
| 13994 | -- Richard Davisson |
| 13995 | % |
| 13996 | There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the |
| 13997 | truth without lying. |
| 13998 | % |
| 13999 | There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a |
| 14000 | vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. |
| 14001 | -- Gloria Steinem |
| 14002 | % |
| 14003 | "There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both |
| 14004 | plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; |
| 14005 | and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, |
| 14006 | don't we all?" |
| 14007 | % |
| 14008 | "There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells |
| 14009 | and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated |
| 14010 | pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving |
| 14011 | them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you |
| 14012 | stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your |
| 14013 | intelligence." |
| 14014 | -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII |
| 14015 | % |
| 14016 | There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. |
| 14017 | -- Disraeli |
| 14018 | % |
| 14019 | "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away |
| 14020 | from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone |
| 14021 | loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor." |
| 14022 | % |
| 14023 | There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be |
| 14024 | offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin |
| 14025 | a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount |
| 14026 | of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of |
| 14027 | affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. |
| 14028 | When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. |
| 14029 | Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. |
| 14030 | -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior |
| 14031 | % |
| 14032 | "There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and |
| 14033 | engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far |
| 14034 | the more certain." |
| 14035 | -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 |
| 14036 | % |
| 14037 | There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring |
| 14038 | the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many |
| 14039 | facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next |
| 14040 | fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent |
| 14041 | Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's |
| 14042 | Factor; that's engineering. |
| 14043 | % |
| 14044 | There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I |
| 14045 | can't remember. |
| 14046 | -- Italo Svevo |
| 14047 | % |
| 14048 | There are three ways to get something done: |
| 14049 | (1) Do it yourself. |
| 14050 | (2) Hire someone to do it for you. |
| 14051 | (3) Forbid your kids to do it. |
| 14052 | % |
| 14053 | There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is |
| 14054 | one of them. |
| 14055 | % |
| 14056 | There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect |
| 14057 | the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the |
| 14058 | sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. |
| 14059 | -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" |
| 14060 | % |
| 14061 | There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good |
| 14062 | sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. |
| 14063 | -- Woody Allen |
| 14064 | % |
| 14065 | "There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to |
| 14066 | make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the |
| 14067 | other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious |
| 14068 | deficiencies." |
| 14069 | -- C. A. R. Hoare |
| 14070 | % |
| 14071 | "There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the |
| 14072 | other is to read Pope." |
| 14073 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 14074 | % |
| 14075 | There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one |
| 14076 | works. |
| 14077 | % |
| 14078 | There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a |
| 14079 | suitable application of high explosives. |
| 14080 | % |
| 14081 | There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. |
| 14082 | -- R. W. Gerard |
| 14083 | % |
| 14084 | There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. |
| 14085 | -- Henry Kissinger |
| 14086 | % |
| 14087 | There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer |
| 14088 | than 100. |
| 14089 | -- Steele's Law |
| 14090 | % |
| 14091 | There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know |
| 14092 | nothing about. |
| 14093 | % |
| 14094 | There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an |
| 14095 | opinion. |
| 14096 | -- Anatole France |
| 14097 | % |
| 14098 | There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of |
| 14099 | paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. |
| 14100 | % |
| 14101 | There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. |
| 14102 | % |
| 14103 | There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs |
| 14104 | tied during the month of April. |
| 14105 | % |
| 14106 | There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. |
| 14107 | -- Walt Disney |
| 14108 | % |
| 14109 | "There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, |
| 14110 | Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and |
| 14111 | love of the Fatherland." |
| 14112 | -- Adolf Hitler |
| 14113 | % |
| 14114 | There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly |
| 14115 | what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly |
| 14116 | disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and |
| 14117 | inexplicable. |
| 14118 | |
| 14119 | There is another theory which states that this has already happened. |
| 14120 | -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" |
| 14121 | % |
| 14122 | "There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a |
| 14123 | vacuum." |
| 14124 | -- Arthur C. Clarke |
| 14125 | % |
| 14126 | There *__\b\bis* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. |
| 14127 | % |
| 14128 | There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. |
| 14129 | -- Mark Twain |
| 14130 | % |
| 14131 | There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the |
| 14132 | tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not |
| 14133 | abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and |
| 14134 | war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, |
| 14135 | of course. |
| 14136 | -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. |
| 14137 | % |
| 14138 | "There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their |
| 14139 | home." |
| 14140 | -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society |
| 14141 | Convention, 1977 |
| 14142 | % |
| 14143 | There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. |
| 14144 | -- George Bernard Shaw |
| 14145 | % |
| 14146 | There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast |
| 14147 | reflexes. |
| 14148 | % |
| 14149 | There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. |
| 14150 | % |
| 14151 | There is no time like the pleasant. |
| 14152 | % |
| 14153 | There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be |
| 14154 | doing. |
| 14155 | % |
| 14156 | There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. |
| 14157 | There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong. |
| 14158 | % |
| 14159 | "There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," |
| 14160 | said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just |
| 14161 | a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable |
| 14162 | question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been |
| 14163 | there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in |
| 14164 | the middle of the night?'" |
| 14165 | % |
| 14166 | There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the |
| 14167 | ocean level wouldn't cure. |
| 14168 | -- Ross MacDonald |
| 14169 | % |
| 14170 | There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and |
| 14171 | that is not being talked about. |
| 14172 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 14173 | % |
| 14174 | There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale |
| 14175 | returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. |
| 14176 | -- Mark Twain |
| 14177 | % |
| 14178 | There once was a girl named Irene |
| 14179 | Who lived on distilled kerosene |
| 14180 | But she started absorbin' |
| 14181 | A new hydrocarbon |
| 14182 | And since then has never benzene. |
| 14183 | % |
| 14184 | There once was a member of Mensa |
| 14185 | Who was a most excellent fencer. |
| 14186 | The sword that he used |
| 14187 | Was his -- (line is refused, |
| 14188 | And has now been removed by the censor). |
| 14189 | % |
| 14190 | There once was an old man from Esser, |
| 14191 | Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. |
| 14192 | It at last grew so small, |
| 14193 | He knew nothing at all, |
| 14194 | And now he's a College Professor. |
| 14195 | % |
| 14196 | "There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved |
| 14197 | it." |
| 14198 | -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia |
| 14199 | % |
| 14200 | There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were |
| 14201 | left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. |
| 14202 | Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they |
| 14203 | started debating who should be allowed to stay. |
| 14204 | |
| 14205 | The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all |
| 14206 | over the world, the President explained that if he died then America |
| 14207 | would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley |
| 14208 | said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair |
| 14209 | thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 |
| 14210 | votes. |
| 14211 | % |
| 14212 | There was a young lady from Hyde |
| 14213 | Who ate a green apple and died. |
| 14214 | While her lover lamented |
| 14215 | The apple fermented |
| 14216 | And made cider inside her inside. |
| 14217 | % |
| 14218 | There was a young man who said "God, |
| 14219 | I find it exceedingly odd, |
| 14220 | That the willow oak tree |
| 14221 | Continues to be, |
| 14222 | When there's no one about in the Quad." |
| 14223 | |
| 14224 | "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, |
| 14225 | For I'm always about in the Quad; |
| 14226 | And that's why the tree, |
| 14227 | Continues to be," |
| 14228 | Signed "Yours faithfully, God." |
| 14229 | % |
| 14230 | There was a young poet named Dan, |
| 14231 | Whose poetry never would scan. |
| 14232 | When told this was so, |
| 14233 | He said, "Yes, I know. |
| 14234 | It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." |
| 14235 | % |
| 14236 | "There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: |
| 14237 | both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to |
| 14238 | talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him |
| 14239 | during the trial." |
| 14240 | -- David Letterman |
| 14241 | % |
| 14242 | There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of |
| 14243 | the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- |
| 14244 | digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the |
| 14245 | 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the |
| 14246 | transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity |
| 14247 | stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative |
| 14248 | feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching |
| 14249 | systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the |
| 14250 | first electrical digital computer, and the first communications |
| 14251 | satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the |
| 14252 | telephone business? |
| 14253 | % |
| 14254 | There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not |
| 14255 | a fence. |
| 14256 | % |
| 14257 | There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that |
| 14258 | allows you to install Windows. |
| 14259 | -- Matthew D. Fuller |
| 14260 | % |
| 14261 | There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. |
| 14262 | % |
| 14263 | There's little in taking or giving, |
| 14264 | There's little in water or wine: |
| 14265 | This living, this living, this living, |
| 14266 | Was never a project of mine. |
| 14267 | Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is |
| 14268 | The gain of the one at the top, |
| 14269 | For art is a form of catharsis, |
| 14270 | And love is a permanent flop, |
| 14271 | And work is the province of cattle, |
| 14272 | And rest's for a clam in a shell, |
| 14273 | So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- |
| 14274 | Would you kindly direct me to hell? |
| 14275 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 14276 | % |
| 14277 | There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our |
| 14278 | whole lives, win, lose, or draw. |
| 14279 | -- Walt Kelly |
| 14280 | % |
| 14281 | There's no future in time travel. |
| 14282 | % |
| 14283 | There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. |
| 14284 | -- Dr. Who |
| 14285 | % |
| 14286 | There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get |
| 14287 | any worse. |
| 14288 | % |
| 14289 | There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. |
| 14290 | % |
| 14291 | There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government |
| 14292 | working for you. |
| 14293 | -- Will Rodgers |
| 14294 | % |
| 14295 | "There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead |
| 14296 | armadillos." |
| 14297 | -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner |
| 14298 | % |
| 14299 | There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to |
| 14300 | work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants. |
| 14301 | -- Mike Smith |
| 14302 | % |
| 14303 | "There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't |
| 14304 | aggravate." |
| 14305 | % |
| 14306 | There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn |
| 14307 | what it is I'll get married again. |
| 14308 | -- Clint Eastwood |
| 14309 | % |
| 14310 | There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is |
| 14311 | becoming an endangered synthetic. |
| 14312 | -- Lily Tomlin |
| 14313 | % |
| 14314 | "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" |
| 14315 | "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" |
| 14316 | "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP |
| 14317 | out of MEGATON MAN!" |
| 14318 | % |
| 14319 | These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they |
| 14320 | used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. |
| 14321 | % |
| 14322 | They also surf who only stand on waves. |
| 14323 | % |
| 14324 | "They make a desert and call it peace." |
| 14325 | -- Tacitus (55?-120?) |
| 14326 | % |
| 14327 | They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners |
| 14328 | always spell better than they pronounce. |
| 14329 | -- Mark Twain |
| 14330 | % |
| 14331 | "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary |
| 14332 | safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." |
| 14333 | -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 |
| 14334 | % |
| 14335 | "They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!" |
| 14336 | % |
| 14337 | They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results |
| 14338 | About a month before. Their hair began to curl |
| 14339 | The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it |
| 14340 | But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. |
| 14341 | |
| 14342 | He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this |
| 14343 | To pass where they had failed For it must ever be |
| 14344 | And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest |
| 14345 | The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. |
| 14346 | |
| 14347 | My notion was to start again |
| 14348 | Ignoring all they'd done |
| 14349 | We quickly turned it into code |
| 14350 | To see if it would run. |
| 14351 | % |
| 14352 | They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! |
| 14353 | % |
| 14354 | "They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult |
| 14355 | to like." |
| 14356 | -- Avon |
| 14357 | % |
| 14358 | Things are more like they used to be than they are now. |
| 14359 | % |
| 14360 | Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. |
| 14361 | % |
| 14362 | Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. |
| 14363 | % |
| 14364 | Think honk if you're a telepath. |
| 14365 | % |
| 14366 | Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! |
| 14367 | % |
| 14368 | Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer |
| 14369 | crashes. |
| 14370 | % |
| 14371 | Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". |
| 14372 | % |
| 14373 | "Thirty days hath Septober, |
| 14374 | April, June, and no wonder. |
| 14375 | all the rest have peanut butter |
| 14376 | except my father who wears red suspenders." |
| 14377 | % |
| 14378 | This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 |
| 14379 | % |
| 14380 | This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, |
| 14381 | please use the program "________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\brandchar". This program generates random |
| 14382 | characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with |
| 14383 | something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be |
| 14384 | more profound than THIS program has ever been. |
| 14385 | % |
| 14386 | This fortune intentionally not included. |
| 14387 | % |
| 14388 | This fortune is false. |
| 14389 | % |
| 14390 | This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. |
| 14391 | % |
| 14392 | "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, |
| 14393 | regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling |
| 14394 | keys ..." |
| 14395 | % |
| 14396 | "This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT |
| 14397 | DOG." |
| 14398 | -- Bob Violence |
| 14399 | % |
| 14400 | "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an |
| 14401 | actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?" |
| 14402 | % |
| 14403 | This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, |
| 14404 | because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under |
| 14405 | which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has |
| 14406 | "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the |
| 14407 | consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any |
| 14408 | rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for |
| 14409 | oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill |
| 14410 | Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers |
| 14411 | over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These |
| 14412 | innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been |
| 14413 | passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with |
| 14414 | amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do |
| 14415 | apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, |
| 14416 | and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. |
| 14417 | -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" |
| 14418 | % |
| 14419 | This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. |
| 14420 | % |
| 14421 | This is for all ill-treated fellows |
| 14422 | Unborn and unbegot, |
| 14423 | For them to read when they're in trouble |
| 14424 | And I am not. |
| 14425 | -- A. E. Housman |
| 14426 | % |
| 14427 | "This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back |
| 14428 | to one." |
| 14429 | -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 |
| 14430 | % |
| 14431 | This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. |
| 14432 | % |
| 14433 | THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM |
| 14434 | |
| 14435 | If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your |
| 14436 | contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue |
| 14437 | without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are |
| 14438 | contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We |
| 14439 | can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money |
| 14440 | for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the |
| 14441 | difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight |
| 14442 | and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to |
| 14443 | "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before |
| 14444 | you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. |
| 14445 | Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute |
| 14446 | 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The |
| 14447 | Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or |
| 14448 | more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... |
| 14449 | % |
| 14450 | This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the |
| 14451 | power of computers: |
| 14452 | |
| 14453 | Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct |
| 14454 | the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a |
| 14455 | minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The |
| 14456 | results are that one should eat each day: |
| 14457 | |
| 14458 | 1/2 chicken |
| 14459 | 1 egg |
| 14460 | 1 glass of skim milk |
| 14461 | 27 heads of lettuce. |
| 14462 | -- Rev. Adrian Melott |
| 14463 | % |
| 14464 | This is the ____\b\b\b\bLAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! |
| 14465 | % |
| 14466 | This is the story of the bee |
| 14467 | Whose sex is very hard to see |
| 14468 | |
| 14469 | You cannot tell the he from the she |
| 14470 | But she can tell, and so can he |
| 14471 | |
| 14472 | The little bee is never still |
| 14473 | She has no time to take the pill |
| 14474 | |
| 14475 | And that is why, in times like these |
| 14476 | There are so many sons of bees. |
| 14477 | % |
| 14478 | This is your fortune. |
| 14479 | % |
| 14480 | This land is full of trousers! |
| 14481 | this land is full of mausers! |
| 14482 | And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! |
| 14483 | -- Firesign Theater |
| 14484 | % |
| 14485 | This land is made of mountains, |
| 14486 | This land is made of mud, |
| 14487 | This land has lots of everything, |
| 14488 | For me and Elmer Fudd. |
| 14489 | |
| 14490 | This land has lots of trousers, |
| 14491 | This land has lots of mousers, |
| 14492 | And pussycats to eat them |
| 14493 | When the sun goes down. |
| 14494 | % |
| 14495 | This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, |
| 14496 | you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where |
| 14497 | to go. |
| 14498 | % |
| 14499 | This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 |
| 14500 | % |
| 14501 | This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with |
| 14502 | great force. |
| 14503 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 14504 | % |
| 14505 | This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of |
| 14506 | the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many |
| 14507 | solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were |
| 14508 | largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, |
| 14509 | which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of |
| 14510 | paper that were unhappy. |
| 14511 | -- Douglas Adams |
| 14512 | % |
| 14513 | "This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does |
| 14514 | something child-like." |
| 14515 | -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 |
| 14516 | % |
| 14517 | This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland |
| 14518 | student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. |
| 14519 | |
| 14520 | One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use |
| 14521 | Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one |
| 14522 | computer language to another and has a built-in editing system |
| 14523 | which identifies errors in the original program. |
| 14524 | % |
| 14525 | This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. |
| 14526 | -- Hofstadter |
| 14527 | % |
| 14528 | This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget |
| 14529 | it. |
| 14530 | % |
| 14531 | Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those |
| 14532 | of us who do. |
| 14533 | % |
| 14534 | Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. |
| 14535 | % |
| 14536 | Those who can't write, write manuals. |
| 14537 | % |
| 14538 | "Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics." |
| 14539 | -- French Proverb |
| 14540 | % |
| 14541 | Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. |
| 14542 | -- Henry Spencer |
| 14543 | % |
| 14544 | Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, |
| 14545 | for these only gave life, those the art of living well. |
| 14546 | -- Aristotle |
| 14547 | % |
| 14548 | Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often |
| 14549 | surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. |
| 14550 | -- Mark B. Cohen |
| 14551 | % |
| 14552 | Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. |
| 14553 | % |
| 14554 | Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent |
| 14555 | revolution inevitable. |
| 14556 | -- John F. Kennedy |
| 14557 | % |
| 14558 | Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are |
| 14559 | men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean |
| 14560 | without the roar of its many waters. |
| 14561 | -- Frederick Douglass |
| 14562 | % |
| 14563 | Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are |
| 14564 | the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with |
| 14565 | Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- |
| 14566 | whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A |
| 14567 | fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any |
| 14568 | more about the matter than the others. |
| 14569 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 14570 | % |
| 14571 | Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. |
| 14572 | % |
| 14573 | Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. |
| 14574 | -- Ford Prefect |
| 14575 | % |
| 14576 | Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at |
| 14577 | once. |
| 14578 | % |
| 14579 | 'Tis the dream of each programmer, |
| 14580 | Before his life is done, |
| 14581 | To write three lines of APL, |
| 14582 | And make the damn things run. |
| 14583 | % |
| 14584 | To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. |
| 14585 | % |
| 14586 | To be is to do. |
| 14587 | -- I. Kant |
| 14588 | To do is to be. |
| 14589 | -- A. Sartre |
| 14590 | Yabba-Dabba-Doo! |
| 14591 | -- F. Flintstone |
| 14592 | % |
| 14593 | "To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore |
| 14594 | this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to |
| 14595 | offer in response is based on information available to make no such |
| 14596 | statement." |
| 14597 | % |
| 14598 | To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, |
| 14599 | call it the target. |
| 14600 | % |
| 14601 | To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think |
| 14602 | of four kids and one bathroom. |
| 14603 | -- John DiMarco |
| 14604 | % |
| 14605 | "To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System" |
| 14606 | % |
| 14607 | To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. |
| 14608 | % |
| 14609 | To err is human, to moo bovine. |
| 14610 | % |
| 14611 | To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. |
| 14612 | -- B. Duggan |
| 14613 | % |
| 14614 | To generalize is to be an idiot. |
| 14615 | -- William Blake |
| 14616 | % |
| 14617 | To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three |
| 14618 | men, two of them absent. |
| 14619 | % |
| 14620 | To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. |
| 14621 | -- Thomas Edison |
| 14622 | % |
| 14623 | To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. |
| 14624 | % |
| 14625 | To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. |
| 14626 | % |
| 14627 | To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide |
| 14628 | a test load. |
| 14629 | % |
| 14630 | To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional |
| 14631 | system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, |
| 14632 | inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: |
| 14633 | precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, |
| 14634 | uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, |
| 14635 | well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures |
| 14636 | of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very |
| 14637 | secure ecological niche. |
| 14638 | -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" |
| 14639 | % |
| 14640 | To understand this important story, you have to understand how the |
| 14641 | telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local |
| 14642 | computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is |
| 14643 | in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the |
| 14644 | lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. |
| 14645 | |
| 14646 | Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it |
| 14647 | suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the |
| 14648 | computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the |
| 14649 | one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe |
| 14650 | break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid |
| 14651 | incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, |
| 14652 | an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca |
| 14653 | pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's |
| 14654 | loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen |
| 14655 | and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. |
| 14656 | -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own |
| 14657 | Phones?" |
| 14658 | % |
| 14659 | "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" |
| 14660 | % |
| 14661 | "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." |
| 14662 | -- Woody Allen |
| 14663 | % |
| 14664 | Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. |
| 14665 | % |
| 14666 | Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. |
| 14667 | % |
| 14668 | Today is the first day of the rest of the mess |
| 14669 | % |
| 14670 | Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. |
| 14671 | % |
| 14672 | Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday |
| 14673 | % |
| 14674 | "Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word |
| 14675 | except in major motion pictures." |
| 14676 | -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" |
| 14677 | % |
| 14678 | Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? |
| 14679 | |
| 14680 | And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? |
| 14681 | -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" |
| 14682 | % |
| 14683 | "Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new |
| 14684 | cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more |
| 14685 | spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog." |
| 14686 | -- Bob & Ray |
| 14687 | % |
| 14688 | Toilet Toup'\bee, n.: |
| 14689 | Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus |
| 14690 | creating endless annoyance to male users. |
| 14691 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 14692 | % |
| 14693 | Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. |
| 14694 | % |
| 14695 | Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. |
| 14696 | % |
| 14697 | Too clever is dumb. |
| 14698 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 14699 | % |
| 14700 | Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. |
| 14701 | -- Mae West |
| 14702 | % |
| 14703 | Too much of everything is just enough. |
| 14704 | -- Bob Wier |
| 14705 | % |
| 14706 | Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available |
| 14707 | briefcases. |
| 14708 | -- Governor Jerry Brown |
| 14709 | % |
| 14710 | Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer: |
| 14711 | |
| 14712 | 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid! |
| 14713 | 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! |
| 14714 | 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! |
| 14715 | 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. |
| 14716 | Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality |
| 14717 | assurance people in its wake. |
| 14718 | 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' |
| 14719 | - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. |
| 14720 | 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. |
| 14721 | 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! |
| 14722 | 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features |
| 14723 | are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. |
| 14724 | 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the |
| 14725 | original Klingon. |
| 14726 | 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship |
| 14727 | it and let them flee like the dogs they are! |
| 14728 | % |
| 14729 | Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the |
| 14730 | earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. |
| 14731 | As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. |
| 14732 | Please... |
| 14733 | |
| 14734 | CONSERVE GRAVITY |
| 14735 | |
| 14736 | Follow these simple suggestions: |
| 14737 | |
| 14738 | (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. |
| 14739 | (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. |
| 14740 | (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like |
| 14741 | curling. |
| 14742 | (4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead. |
| 14743 | (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big |
| 14744 | pile. |
| 14745 | (6) Stop flipping pancakes |
| 14746 | % |
| 14747 | Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. |
| 14748 | % |
| 14749 | Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live |
| 14750 | in eucalyptus trees. |
| 14751 | % |
| 14752 | Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant |
| 14753 | intelligence. |
| 14754 | -- Henrik Tikkanen |
| 14755 | % |
| 14756 | Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. |
| 14757 | -- Mark Twain |
| 14758 | % |
| 14759 | Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) |
| 14760 | % |
| 14761 | Truthful, adj.: |
| 14762 | Dumb and illiterate. |
| 14763 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 14764 | % |
| 14765 | Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. |
| 14766 | -- Charles Schulz |
| 14767 | % |
| 14768 | Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no |
| 14769 | good. |
| 14770 | % |
| 14771 | Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, |
| 14772 | is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written |
| 14773 | in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and |
| 14774 | pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), |
| 14775 | defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the |
| 14776 | absolutely perfect future. |
| 14777 | -- Amrom Katz |
| 14778 | % |
| 14779 | Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. |
| 14780 | % |
| 14781 | Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only |
| 14782 | specification is that it should run noiselessly. |
| 14783 | % |
| 14784 | Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. |
| 14785 | -- Alan Watts |
| 14786 | % |
| 14787 | Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____\b\b\b\byell into keyboard. |
| 14788 | % |
| 14789 | Turnaucka's Law: |
| 14790 | The attention span of a computer is only as long as its |
| 14791 | electrical cord. |
| 14792 | % |
| 14793 | Tussman's Law: |
| 14794 | Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. |
| 14795 | % |
| 14796 | TV is chewing gum for the eyes. |
| 14797 | -- Frank Lloyd Wright |
| 14798 | % |
| 14799 | 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks |
| 14800 | Did gyre and gimble in their cave |
| 14801 | All mimsy was the CS-VAX |
| 14802 | And Cory raths outgrabe. |
| 14803 | |
| 14804 | "Beware the software rot, my son! |
| 14805 | The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! |
| 14806 | Beware the broken pipe, and shun |
| 14807 | The frumious system crash!" |
| 14808 | % |
| 14809 | 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period |
| 14810 | preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And |
| 14811 | throughout our place of residence, |
| 14812 | Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the |
| 14813 | possessors of this potential, including that |
| 14814 | species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. |
| 14815 | Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward |
| 14816 | edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, |
| 14817 | Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an |
| 14818 | imminent visitation from an eccentric |
| 14819 | philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations |
| 14820 | is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... |
| 14821 | % |
| 14822 | Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. |
| 14823 | -- Walt Kelly |
| 14824 | % |
| 14825 | Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. |
| 14826 | -- Howard Kandel |
| 14827 | % |
| 14828 | Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man |
| 14829 | said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The |
| 14830 | second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his |
| 14831 | chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded |
| 14832 | only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the |
| 14833 | courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. |
| 14834 | If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is |
| 14835 | dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and |
| 14836 | must pay three silver pieces." |
| 14837 | % |
| 14838 | Two percent of zero is almost nothing. |
| 14839 | % |
| 14840 | "Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. |
| 14841 | I forget the second." |
| 14842 | % |
| 14843 | Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. |
| 14844 | % |
| 14845 | U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! |
| 14846 | Run right up and rub its horn. |
| 14847 | Look at all those points you're losing! |
| 14848 | UMBER HULKS are so confusing. |
| 14849 | -- The Roguelet's ABC |
| 14850 | % |
| 14851 | "Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." |
| 14852 | |
| 14853 | (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) |
| 14854 | -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) |
| 14855 | % |
| 14856 | UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. |
| 14857 | % |
| 14858 | "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" |
| 14859 | |
| 14860 | "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, |
| 14861 | right?" |
| 14862 | -- MacNelley, "Shoe" |
| 14863 | % |
| 14864 | Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: |
| 14865 | Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a |
| 14866 | hammer or get a splinter in it. |
| 14867 | % |
| 14868 | Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a |
| 14869 | just man is also in prison. |
| 14870 | -- Henry David Thoreau |
| 14871 | % |
| 14872 | Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it |
| 14873 | can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... |
| 14874 | % |
| 14875 | Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: |
| 14876 | Superiority is recessive. |
| 14877 | % |
| 14878 | Unfair animal names: |
| 14879 | |
| 14880 | -- tsetse fly -- bullhead |
| 14881 | -- booby -- duck-billed platypus |
| 14882 | -- sapsucker -- Clarence |
| 14883 | -- Gary Larson |
| 14884 | % |
| 14885 | United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the |
| 14886 | Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of |
| 14887 | all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of |
| 14888 | all the patriots of every persuasion. |
| 14889 | |
| 14890 | Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the |
| 14891 | world. |
| 14892 | -- Isaac Asimov |
| 14893 | % |
| 14894 | Universe, n.: |
| 14895 | The problem. |
| 14896 | % |
| 14897 | University, n.: |
| 14898 | Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's |
| 14899 | usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to |
| 14900 | fix it, and ... |
| 14901 | % |
| 14902 | unix soit qui mal y pense |
| 14903 | % |
| 14904 | UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on |
| 14905 | Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). |
| 14906 | -- Andy Tannenbaum |
| 14907 | % |
| 14908 | Unnamed Law: |
| 14909 | If it happens, it must be possible. |
| 14910 | % |
| 14911 | Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out |
| 14912 | twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. |
| 14913 | -- H. L. Mencken |
| 14914 | % |
| 14915 | Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir |
| 14916 | % |
| 14917 | User n.: |
| 14918 | A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. |
| 14919 | % |
| 14920 | USER, n.: |
| 14921 | The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." |
| 14922 | -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" |
| 14923 | % |
| 14924 | Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. |
| 14925 | -- S. C. Johnson |
| 14926 | % |
| 14927 | Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, |
| 14928 | opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. |
| 14929 | -- Doug Larson |
| 14930 | % |
| 14931 | Vail's Second Axiom: |
| 14932 | The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the |
| 14933 | amount of work already completed. |
| 14934 | % |
| 14935 | Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... |
| 14936 | Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... |
| 14937 | -- Tom Chapin |
| 14938 | % |
| 14939 | Van Roy's Law: |
| 14940 | An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. |
| 14941 | % |
| 14942 | Vanilla, adj.: |
| 14943 | Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, |
| 14944 | very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla |
| 14945 | extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply |
| 14946 | "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot |
| 14947 | and sour won ton soup. |
| 14948 | % |
| 14949 | Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: |
| 14950 | (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only |
| 14951 | once. |
| 14952 | (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data |
| 14953 | points. |
| 14954 | % |
| 14955 | Veni, Vidi, Visa. |
| 14956 | % |
| 14957 | Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. |
| 14958 | % |
| 14959 | Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." |
| 14960 | Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes |
| 14961 | waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." |
| 14962 | % |
| 14963 | Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. |
| 14964 | -- Salvor Hardin |
| 14965 | % |
| 14966 | Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the |
| 14967 | yard. |
| 14968 | % |
| 14969 | VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) |
| 14970 | Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to |
| 14971 | ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this |
| 14972 | morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you |
| 14973 | wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of |
| 14974 | that old underwear you own. |
| 14975 | % |
| 14976 | VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) |
| 14977 | You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is |
| 14978 | sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and |
| 14979 | sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus |
| 14980 | drivers. |
| 14981 | % |
| 14982 | "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. |
| 14983 | % |
| 14984 | Virtue is its own punishment. |
| 14985 | % |
| 14986 | Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving |
| 14987 | from where you left them to where you can't find them. |
| 14988 | % |
| 14989 | Vitamin C deficiency is apauling |
| 14990 | % |
| 14991 | VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. |
| 14992 | % |
| 14993 | Vote anarchist |
| 14994 | % |
| 14995 | Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and |
| 14996 | TAX-DEFERRED! |
| 14997 | % |
| 14998 | VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? |
| 14999 | % |
| 15000 | "Wagner's music is better than it sounds." |
| 15001 | -- Mark Twain |
| 15002 | % |
| 15003 | Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" |
| 15004 | 1st customer: "I'll have tea." |
| 15005 | 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" |
| 15006 | (Waiter exits, returns) |
| 15007 | Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" |
| 15008 | % |
| 15009 | Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. |
| 15010 | % |
| 15011 | War hath no fury like a non-combatant. |
| 15012 | -- Charles Edward Montague |
| 15013 | % |
| 15014 | War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. |
| 15015 | % |
| 15016 | WARNING: |
| 15017 | Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your |
| 15018 | mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on |
| 15019 | your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. |
| 15020 | % |
| 15021 | Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. |
| 15022 | % |
| 15023 | Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for |
| 15024 | those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking |
| 15025 | up. |
| 15026 | -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 |
| 15027 | % |
| 15028 | Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. |
| 15029 | % |
| 15030 | Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. |
| 15031 | -- John F. Kennedy |
| 15032 | % |
| 15033 | Waste not, get your budget cut next year. |
| 15034 | % |
| 15035 | Wasting time is an important part of living. |
| 15036 | % |
| 15037 | Watson's Law: |
| 15038 | The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the |
| 15039 | number and significance of any persons watching it. |
| 15040 | % |
| 15041 | We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which |
| 15042 | divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being |
| 15043 | correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. |
| 15044 | -- Niels Bohr |
| 15045 | % |
| 15046 | We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. |
| 15047 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 15048 | % |
| 15049 | We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. |
| 15050 | -- Winston Churchill |
| 15051 | % |
| 15052 | We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. |
| 15053 | -- Whole Earth Catalog |
| 15054 | % |
| 15055 | We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. |
| 15056 | -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" |
| 15057 | % |
| 15058 | We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to |
| 15059 | socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The |
| 15060 | bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say |
| 15061 | socialism? |
| 15062 | -- Fidel Castro |
| 15063 | % |
| 15064 | "We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last |
| 15065 | theorem." |
| 15066 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 |
| 15067 | % |
| 15068 | "We are upping our standards ... so up yours." |
| 15069 | -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988. |
| 15070 | % |
| 15071 | We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. |
| 15072 | % |
| 15073 | We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is |
| 15074 | deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. |
| 15075 | -- James E. Day, Postmaster General |
| 15076 | % |
| 15077 | "We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!" |
| 15078 | -- Vroomfondel |
| 15079 | % |
| 15080 | "We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." |
| 15081 | % |
| 15082 | We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a |
| 15083 | fish. |
| 15084 | % |
| 15085 | We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the |
| 15086 | hardware, but we can *___\b\b\bsee* the blinking lights! |
| 15087 | % |
| 15088 | We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? |
| 15089 | -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission |
| 15090 | % |
| 15091 | "We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an |
| 15092 | hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down |
| 15093 | mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on |
| 15094 | our grave singing Haleleuia ..." |
| 15095 | -- Monty Python |
| 15096 | % |
| 15097 | We have met the enemy, and he is us. |
| 15098 | -- Walt Kelly |
| 15099 | % |
| 15100 | We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get |
| 15101 | back to normal, and that they already have. |
| 15102 | % |
| 15103 | "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his |
| 15104 | hands for masturbation." |
| 15105 | -- Lily Tomlin |
| 15106 | % |
| 15107 | We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an |
| 15108 | official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death |
| 15109 | Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish |
| 15110 | you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that |
| 15111 | said "ELECTROCUTION". |
| 15112 | |
| 15113 | Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your |
| 15114 | teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing |
| 15115 | process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a |
| 15116 | couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways |
| 15117 | out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste |
| 15118 | stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom |
| 15119 | floor, which is how the police would find you. |
| 15120 | |
| 15121 | You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. |
| 15122 | -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" |
| 15123 | % |
| 15124 | We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all |
| 15125 | purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start |
| 15126 | with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the |
| 15127 | playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is |
| 15128 | best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can |
| 15129 | buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. |
| 15130 | -- Alan M. Turing |
| 15131 | % |
| 15132 | We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always |
| 15133 | respect their good judgement. |
| 15134 | % |
| 15135 | We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass |
| 15136 | no matter how self-seeking. |
| 15137 | -- F. G. Withington |
| 15138 | % |
| 15139 | We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago |
| 15140 | people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. |
| 15141 | For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had |
| 15142 | to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare |
| 15143 | fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with |
| 15144 | primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how |
| 15145 | ugly paneling is to begin with. |
| 15146 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" |
| 15147 | % |
| 15148 | We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best |
| 15149 | friends are trying to kill us. |
| 15150 | % |
| 15151 | We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one |
| 15152 | technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. |
| 15153 | % |
| 15154 | we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, |
| 15155 | we will cry over things we used to laugh & |
| 15156 | our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile |
| 15157 | creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & |
| 15158 | in the end a summer with wild winds & |
| 15159 | new friends will be. |
| 15160 | % |
| 15161 | We wish you a Hare Krishna |
| 15162 | We wish you a Hare Krishna |
| 15163 | We wish you a Hare Krishna |
| 15164 | And a Sun Myung Moon! |
| 15165 | -- Maxwell Smart |
| 15166 | % |
| 15167 | Weiler's Law: |
| 15168 | Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it |
| 15169 | himself. |
| 15170 | % |
| 15171 | Weinberg's First Law: |
| 15172 | Progress is made on alternate Fridays. |
| 15173 | % |
| 15174 | Weinberg's Principle: |
| 15175 | An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while |
| 15176 | sweeping on to the grand fallacy. |
| 15177 | % |
| 15178 | Weinberg's Second Law: |
| 15179 | If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, |
| 15180 | then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. |
| 15181 | % |
| 15182 | Weiner's Law of Libraries: |
| 15183 | There are no answers, only cross references. |
| 15184 | % |
| 15185 | Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if |
| 15186 | you run out of food. |
| 15187 | -- Dean McLaughlin. |
| 15188 | % |
| 15189 | "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is |
| 15190 | no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five |
| 15191 | hundred." |
| 15192 | -- The Mahabharata. |
| 15193 | % |
| 15194 | "We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." |
| 15195 | % |
| 15196 | Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a |
| 15197 | lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a |
| 15198 | governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the |
| 15199 | reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top |
| 15200 | contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men |
| 15201 | will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the |
| 15202 | most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and |
| 15203 | appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday |
| 15204 | morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit |
| 15205 | interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a |
| 15206 | guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through |
| 15207 | the entire show without answering a single question ... |
| 15208 | -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" |
| 15209 | % |
| 15210 | Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them |
| 15211 | back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, |
| 15212 | or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they |
| 15213 | they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. |
| 15214 | -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile |
| 15215 | % |
| 15216 | "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___\b\b\bcan* |
| 15217 | you believe?!" |
| 15218 | -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] |
| 15219 | % |
| 15220 | Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, |
| 15221 | And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; |
| 15222 | I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, |
| 15223 | I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. |
| 15224 | |
| 15225 | If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, |
| 15226 | Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, |
| 15227 | 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. |
| 15228 | I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. |
| 15229 | |
| 15230 | On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, |
| 15231 | But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. |
| 15232 | Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, |
| 15233 | I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. |
| 15234 | -- Core Dumped Blues |
| 15235 | % |
| 15236 | "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" |
| 15237 | |
| 15238 | "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... |
| 15239 | coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." |
| 15240 | -- Dr. Who |
| 15241 | % |
| 15242 | We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from |
| 15243 | the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging |
| 15244 | you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right |
| 15245 | in his bowl full of jelly. |
| 15246 | -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" |
| 15247 | % |
| 15248 | We're only in it for the volume. |
| 15249 | -- Black Sabbath |
| 15250 | % |
| 15251 | Westheimer's Discovery: |
| 15252 | A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a |
| 15253 | couple of hours in the library. |
| 15254 | % |
| 15255 | Wethern's Law: |
| 15256 | Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. |
| 15257 | % |
| 15258 | We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center |
| 15259 | of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, |
| 15260 | but for some reason nobody's ever done it. |
| 15261 | -- Andy Rooney |
| 15262 | % |
| 15263 | "What are we going to do?" |
| 15264 | |
| 15265 | "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for |
| 15266 | something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a |
| 15267 | short initiation period." |
| 15268 | % |
| 15269 | "What are you doing?" |
| 15270 | |
| 15271 | "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something |
| 15272 | that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short |
| 15273 | initiation period." |
| 15274 | % |
| 15275 | What color is a chameleon on a mirror? |
| 15276 | % |
| 15277 | What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? |
| 15278 | % |
| 15279 | What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? |
| 15280 | % |
| 15281 | What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. |
| 15282 | % |
| 15283 | What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. |
| 15284 | % |
| 15285 | "What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so |
| 15286 | that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our |
| 15287 | country. Nice try anyway, George." |
| 15288 | -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA |
| 15289 | % |
| 15290 | What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the |
| 15291 | entrance? |
| 15292 | % |
| 15293 | What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow |
| 15294 | in his footsteps? |
| 15295 | % |
| 15296 | What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower |
| 15297 | stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed |
| 15298 | barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character |
| 15299 | from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of |
| 15300 | while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our |
| 15301 | dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up |
| 15302 | powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the |
| 15303 | bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any |
| 15304 | one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact |
| 15305 | lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where |
| 15306 | you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", |
| 15307 | if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with |
| 15308 | that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; |
| 15309 | they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to |
| 15310 | flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. |
| 15311 | -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" |
| 15312 | % |
| 15313 | What I tell you three times is true. |
| 15314 | % |
| 15315 | "What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- |
| 15316 | sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up |
| 15317 | with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always |
| 15318 | came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at |
| 15319 | parties. |
| 15320 | -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" |
| 15321 | % |
| 15322 | What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. |
| 15323 | % |
| 15324 | What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I |
| 15325 | definitely overpaid for my carpet. |
| 15326 | -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" |
| 15327 | % |
| 15328 | What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's |
| 15329 | worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? |
| 15330 | -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" |
| 15331 | % |
| 15332 | What is a magician but a practicing theorist? |
| 15333 | -- Obi-Wan Kenobi |
| 15334 | % |
| 15335 | What is mind? No matter. |
| 15336 | What is matter? Never mind. |
| 15337 | -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 |
| 15338 | % |
| 15339 | What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern |
| 15340 | computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest |
| 15341 | and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. |
| 15342 | % |
| 15343 | "What is the Nature of God?" |
| 15344 | |
| 15345 | CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= |
| 15346 | 1 QT. SOUR CREAM |
| 15347 | 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT |
| 15348 | 1/2 CUT CHIVES. |
| 15349 | STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. |
| 15350 | |
| 15351 | "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." |
| 15352 | -- Bloom County |
| 15353 | % |
| 15354 | "What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" |
| 15355 | -- Bertold Brecht |
| 15356 | % |
| 15357 | "What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, |
| 15358 | which is the exact opposite." |
| 15359 | -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 |
| 15360 | % |
| 15361 | What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. |
| 15362 | % |
| 15363 | "What I've done, of course, is total garbage." |
| 15364 | -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a |
| 15365 | % |
| 15366 | What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing |
| 15367 | to compare it with. |
| 15368 | % |
| 15369 | What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. |
| 15370 | It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books |
| 15371 | and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes |
| 15372 | and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, |
| 15373 | women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate |
| 15374 | mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige |
| 15375 | and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." |
| 15376 | -- Susan Gordon |
| 15377 | % |
| 15378 | What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? |
| 15379 | -- Ursula K. LeGuin |
| 15380 | % |
| 15381 | What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. |
| 15382 | % |
| 15383 | What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. |
| 15384 | % |
| 15385 | What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. |
| 15386 | % |
| 15387 | What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. |
| 15388 | % |
| 15389 | What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent |
| 15390 | bagel. |
| 15391 | % |
| 15392 | What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! |
| 15393 | % |
| 15394 | What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. |
| 15395 | % |
| 15396 | What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. |
| 15397 | % |
| 15398 | What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. |
| 15399 | % |
| 15400 | What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. |
| 15401 | % |
| 15402 | What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? |
| 15403 | -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" |
| 15404 | % |
| 15405 | What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which |
| 15406 | nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday |
| 15407 | Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- |
| 15408 | launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just |
| 15409 | remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual |
| 15410 | process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still |
| 15411 | be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. |
| 15412 | -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" |
| 15413 | % |
| 15414 | What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. |
| 15415 | % |
| 15416 | Whatever became of eternal truth? |
| 15417 | % |
| 15418 | Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for |
| 15419 | cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils |
| 15420 | as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding |
| 15421 | hundred dollar bills." |
| 15422 | -- Herb Caen |
| 15423 | % |
| 15424 | Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not |
| 15425 | nailed down. |
| 15426 | -- Collis P. Huntingdon |
| 15427 | % |
| 15428 | "Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not |
| 15429 | cockroaches!" |
| 15430 | -- Mom |
| 15431 | % |
| 15432 | "What's another word for Thesaurus?" |
| 15433 | -- Steven Wright |
| 15434 | % |
| 15435 | "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" |
| 15436 | -- Dr. Who |
| 15437 | % |
| 15438 | When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the |
| 15439 | money is. |
| 15440 | -- Robespierre |
| 15441 | % |
| 15442 | When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the |
| 15443 | thing," it's the money. |
| 15444 | -- Kim Hubbard |
| 15445 | % |
| 15446 | When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half |
| 15447 | loop? |
| 15448 | % |
| 15449 | When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is |
| 15450 | not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space |
| 15451 | travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. |
| 15452 | -- Robert Heinlein |
| 15453 | % |
| 15454 | When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the |
| 15455 | sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain |
| 15456 | relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. |
| 15457 | -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle |
| 15458 | Maintenance" |
| 15459 | % |
| 15460 | When all other means of communication fail, try words. |
| 15461 | % |
| 15462 | "When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo |
| 15463 | tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?" |
| 15464 | -- Reuben Flagg |
| 15465 | % |
| 15466 | When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before |
| 15467 | the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." |
| 15468 | -- Vine Deloria, Jr. |
| 15469 | % |
| 15470 | When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I |
| 15471 | think it was a Tuesday. |
| 15472 | % |
| 15473 | When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to |
| 15474 | guarantee them. |
| 15475 | % |
| 15476 | "When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great |
| 15477 | parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if |
| 15478 | I'm leaving." |
| 15479 | -- Steven Wright |
| 15480 | % |
| 15481 | When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a |
| 15482 | year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire |
| 15483 | winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. |
| 15484 | -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" |
| 15485 | % |
| 15486 | When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young |
| 15487 | ladies, and, of course, the goat. |
| 15488 | % |
| 15489 | When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now |
| 15490 | I'm beginning to believe it. |
| 15491 | -- Clarence Darrow |
| 15492 | % |
| 15493 | When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you |
| 15494 | take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come |
| 15495 | and get you." |
| 15496 | -- Jerry Lewis |
| 15497 | % |
| 15498 | "When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any |
| 15499 | firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'" |
| 15500 | -- Steven Wright |
| 15501 | % |
| 15502 | When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into |
| 15503 | the soul of the boy sitting next to me. |
| 15504 | -- Woody Allen |
| 15505 | % |
| 15506 | When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an |
| 15507 | act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A |
| 15508 | group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a |
| 15509 | six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things |
| 15510 | together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... |
| 15511 | Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective |
| 15512 | responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military |
| 15513 | establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have |
| 15514 | been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things |
| 15515 | together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. |
| 15516 | -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" |
| 15517 | % |
| 15518 | When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened |
| 15519 | or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I |
| 15520 | cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to |
| 15521 | go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. |
| 15522 | -- Mark Twain |
| 15523 | % |
| 15524 | When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. |
| 15525 | % |
| 15526 | "When in doubt, tell the truth." |
| 15527 | -- Mark Twain |
| 15528 | % |
| 15529 | When in doubt, use brute force. |
| 15530 | -- Ken Thompson |
| 15531 | % |
| 15532 | When in panic, fear and doubt, |
| 15533 | Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. |
| 15534 | % |
| 15535 | When love is gone, there's always justice. |
| 15536 | And when justice is gone, there's always force. |
| 15537 | And when force is gone, there's always Mom. |
| 15538 | Hi, Mom! |
| 15539 | -- Laurie Anderson |
| 15540 | % |
| 15541 | When Marriage is Outlawed, |
| 15542 | Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. |
| 15543 | % |
| 15544 | When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment |
| 15545 | results. |
| 15546 | -- Calvin Coolidge |
| 15547 | % |
| 15548 | When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony |
| 15549 | concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- |
| 15550 | and I find I mind it less and less." |
| 15551 | -- Louise Andrews Kent |
| 15552 | % |
| 15553 | When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: |
| 15554 | for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when |
| 15555 | your boss is away and you get twice as much done. |
| 15556 | -- Daniel B. Luten |
| 15557 | % |
| 15558 | When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only |
| 15559 | say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. |
| 15560 | % |
| 15561 | "When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical" |
| 15562 | -- Jon Carroll |
| 15563 | % |
| 15564 | When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you |
| 15565 | modify the problem, not the remedy. |
| 15566 | % |
| 15567 | When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, |
| 15568 | the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a |
| 15569 | nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____\b\b\b\bthat. |
| 15570 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 15571 | % |
| 15572 | When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is |
| 15573 | metaphysics. |
| 15574 | -- Voltaire |
| 15575 | % |
| 15576 | When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the |
| 15577 | stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them |
| 15578 | from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones |
| 15579 | were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the |
| 15580 | corners as bodies of a lower grade ... |
| 15581 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" |
| 15582 | % |
| 15583 | When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the |
| 15584 | plane will fly. |
| 15585 | -- Donald Douglas |
| 15586 | % |
| 15587 | When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most |
| 15588 | insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are |
| 15589 | required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and |
| 15590 | exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. |
| 15591 | -- George Bernard Shaw |
| 15592 | % |
| 15593 | When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is |
| 15594 | not hereditary. |
| 15595 | -- Thomas Paine |
| 15596 | % |
| 15597 | When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- |
| 15598 | except our fingertips will have been singed. |
| 15599 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 |
| 15600 | % |
| 15601 | When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of |
| 15602 | investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, |
| 15603 | so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or |
| 15604 | swayed, directly to the goal. |
| 15605 | -- Amrom Katz |
| 15606 | % |
| 15607 | "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut." |
| 15608 | % |
| 15609 | When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. |
| 15610 | % |
| 15611 | When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. |
| 15612 | -- Harry Truman |
| 15613 | % |
| 15614 | "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." |
| 15615 | -- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war |
| 15616 | % |
| 15617 | When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by |
| 15618 | asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't |
| 15619 | know the answer either. |
| 15620 | -- Edgar R. Fiedler |
| 15621 | % |
| 15622 | When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. |
| 15623 | -- The Wall Street Journal |
| 15624 | % |
| 15625 | When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the |
| 15626 | impression you will make. |
| 15627 | % |
| 15628 | When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, |
| 15629 | Wretched, bored, dejected; only |
| 15630 | Here's the rub, my darling dear |
| 15631 | I feel the same when you are near. |
| 15632 | -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" |
| 15633 | % |
| 15634 | When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. |
| 15635 | % |
| 15636 | Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". |
| 15637 | -- Dave Parnas |
| 15638 | % |
| 15639 | Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to |
| 15640 | see it tried on him personally. |
| 15641 | -- A. Lincoln |
| 15642 | % |
| 15643 | Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. |
| 15644 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 15645 | % |
| 15646 | Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last |
| 15647 | you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his |
| 15648 | Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. |
| 15649 | -- Mark Twain |
| 15650 | "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" |
| 15651 | % |
| 15652 | Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time |
| 15653 | to reform. |
| 15654 | -- Mark Twain |
| 15655 | % |
| 15656 | WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE |
| 15657 | |
| 15658 | Oh, dear, where can the matter be |
| 15659 | When it's converted to energy? |
| 15660 | There is a slight loss of parity. |
| 15661 | Johnny's so long at the fair. |
| 15662 | % |
| 15663 | Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what |
| 15664 | is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. |
| 15665 | -- John Kenneth Galbraith |
| 15666 | % |
| 15667 | Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. |
| 15668 | % |
| 15669 | Whether you can hear it or not |
| 15670 | The Universe is laughing behind your back |
| 15671 | -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" |
| 15672 | % |
| 15673 | Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? |
| 15674 | % |
| 15675 | While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is |
| 15676 | admission to someone else. |
| 15677 | % |
| 15678 | While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, |
| 15679 | The fate of empires and the fall of kings; |
| 15680 | While quacks of State must each produce his plan, |
| 15681 | And even children lisp the Rights of Man; |
| 15682 | Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, |
| 15683 | The Rights of Woman merit some attention. |
| 15684 | -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", |
| 15685 | November 26, 1792 |
| 15686 | % |
| 15687 | While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. |
| 15688 | % |
| 15689 | While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't |
| 15690 | keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. |
| 15691 | -- Edward Stevenson |
| 15692 | % |
| 15693 | While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own |
| 15694 | form of misery. |
| 15695 | % |
| 15696 | While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining |
| 15697 | position. |
| 15698 | % |
| 15699 | While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their |
| 15700 | correctness never does. |
| 15701 | % |
| 15702 | While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very |
| 15703 | reassuring to know that it's still there. |
| 15704 | % |
| 15705 | While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are |
| 15706 | safe, for you can watch both of his. |
| 15707 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 15708 | % |
| 15709 | Whistler's Law: |
| 15710 | You never know who is right, but you always know who is in |
| 15711 | charge. |
| 15712 | % |
| 15713 | "Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new |
| 15714 | Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." |
| 15715 | % |
| 15716 | Who made the world I cannot tell; |
| 15717 | 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. |
| 15718 | My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, |
| 15719 | I never soiled with such a deed. |
| 15720 | -- A. E. Housman |
| 15721 | % |
| 15722 | Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? |
| 15723 | % |
| 15724 | Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? |
| 15725 | % |
| 15726 | "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. |
| 15727 | -- George Ade |
| 15728 | % |
| 15729 | Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. |
| 15730 | % |
| 15731 | Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. |
| 15732 | % |
| 15733 | Who's on first? |
| 15734 | % |
| 15735 | "Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could |
| 15736 | have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing." |
| 15737 | -- Ian Shoales |
| 15738 | % |
| 15739 | "Why be a man when you can be a success?" |
| 15740 | -- Bertold Brecht |
| 15741 | % |
| 15742 | Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we |
| 15743 | have? |
| 15744 | % |
| 15745 | Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? |
| 15746 | % |
| 15747 | Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to |
| 15748 | avoid responsibility with? |
| 15749 | % |
| 15750 | Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office |
| 15751 | automation? |
| 15752 | % |
| 15753 | Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. |
| 15754 | % |
| 15755 | Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently |
| 15756 | there must be a beverage. |
| 15757 | -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" |
| 15758 | % |
| 15759 | Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have |
| 15760 | more lawyers? |
| 15761 | |
| 15762 | New Jersey had first choice. |
| 15763 | % |
| 15764 | Why don't elephants eat penguins ? |
| 15765 | |
| 15766 | Because they can't get the wrappers off ... |
| 15767 | % |
| 15768 | Why I Can't Go Out With You: |
| 15769 | |
| 15770 | I'd LOVE to, but ... |
| 15771 | -- I have to floss my cat. |
| 15772 | -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. |
| 15773 | -- I need to spend more time with my blender. |
| 15774 | -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. |
| 15775 | -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. |
| 15776 | -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. |
| 15777 | -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. |
| 15778 | -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. |
| 15779 | -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. |
| 15780 | -- I have some really hard words to look up. |
| 15781 | -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. |
| 15782 | -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. |
| 15783 | % |
| 15784 | "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is |
| 15785 | because we are not the person involved" |
| 15786 | -- Mark Twain |
| 15787 | % |
| 15788 | Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? |
| 15789 | % |
| 15790 | "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" |
| 15791 | -- Lily Tomlin |
| 15792 | % |
| 15793 | "Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love |
| 15794 | you knowing nothing?" |
| 15795 | -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions |
| 15796 | % |
| 15797 | Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? |
| 15798 | Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your |
| 15799 | children open their old-fashioned presents. |
| 15800 | |
| 15801 | Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" |
| 15802 | |
| 15803 | You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it |
| 15804 | falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" |
| 15805 | |
| 15806 | Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer |
| 15807 | with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, |
| 15808 | and I get this cretin TOP?" |
| 15809 | |
| 15810 | Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." |
| 15811 | |
| 15812 | You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" |
| 15813 | |
| 15814 | Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." |
| 15815 | -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" |
| 15816 | % |
| 15817 | "Why was I born with such contemporaries?" |
| 15818 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 15819 | % |
| 15820 | Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: |
| 15821 | No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, |
| 15822 | when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your |
| 15823 | direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. |
| 15824 | -- John L. Shelton |
| 15825 | % |
| 15826 | Wiker's Law: |
| 15827 | Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. |
| 15828 | % |
| 15829 | Williams and Holland's Law: |
| 15830 | If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by |
| 15831 | statistical methods. |
| 15832 | % |
| 15833 | Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as |
| 15834 | it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. |
| 15835 | % |
| 15836 | Wit, n.: |
| 15837 | The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery |
| 15838 | ... by leaving it out. |
| 15839 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 15840 | % |
| 15841 | With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I |
| 15842 | try to be a fraud and a half. |
| 15843 | -- Otto von Bismarck |
| 15844 | % |
| 15845 | With a rubber duck, one's never alone. |
| 15846 | -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" |
| 15847 | % |
| 15848 | With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once |
| 15849 | build a nuclear balm? |
| 15850 | % |
| 15851 | With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand |
| 15852 | miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and |
| 15853 | still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no |
| 15854 | such thing as progress. |
| 15855 | -- Ransom K. Ferm |
| 15856 | % |
| 15857 | Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. |
| 15858 | % |
| 15859 | Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: |
| 15860 | (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. |
| 15861 | (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. |
| 15862 | (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) |
| 15863 | (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a |
| 15864 | VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. |
| 15865 | (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. |
| 15866 | -- Rich Kulawiec |
| 15867 | % |
| 15868 | Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If |
| 15869 | you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut |
| 15870 | down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that |
| 15871 | tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with |
| 15872 | long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit |
| 15873 | there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you |
| 15874 | come back. |
| 15875 | |
| 15876 | Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, |
| 15877 | when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. |
| 15878 | Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the |
| 15879 | cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood |
| 15880 | heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately |
| 15881 | beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, |
| 15882 | and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, |
| 15883 | although their insurance rates went way up. |
| 15884 | -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" |
| 15885 | % |
| 15886 | Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): |
| 15887 | We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage |
| 15888 | any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you |
| 15889 | should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, |
| 15890 | and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we |
| 15891 | bargained for. |
| 15892 | % |
| 15893 | Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your |
| 15894 | chairs. |
| 15895 | % |
| 15896 | World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced |
| 15897 | dress code! |
| 15898 | % |
| 15899 | Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: |
| 15900 | August. The lines are the shortest, though. |
| 15901 | -- Steve Rubenstein |
| 15902 | % |
| 15903 | Worst Month of the Year: |
| 15904 | February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if |
| 15905 | you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't |
| 15906 | get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. |
| 15907 | -- Steve Rubenstein |
| 15908 | % |
| 15909 | Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: |
| 15910 | From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved |
| 15911 | in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs |
| 15912 | damage my videotapes?" |
| 15913 | % |
| 15914 | Worst Vegetable of the Year: |
| 15915 | The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next |
| 15916 | year. |
| 15917 | -- Steve Rubenstein |
| 15918 | % |
| 15919 | "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" |
| 15920 | |
| 15921 | "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat |
| 15922 | -- Lewis Carroll |
| 15923 | % |
| 15924 | "Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish |
| 15925 | and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer |
| 15926 | if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and |
| 15927 | and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and |
| 15928 | and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?" |
| 15929 | % |
| 15930 | Write-Protect Tab, n.: |
| 15931 | A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly |
| 15932 | left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error |
| 15933 | message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the |
| 15934 | momentary inconvenience. |
| 15935 | -- Robb Russon |
| 15936 | % |
| 15937 | Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. |
| 15938 | -- Frank Zappa |
| 15939 | % |
| 15940 | "Wrong," said Renner. |
| 15941 | |
| 15942 | "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with |
| 15943 | the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" |
| 15944 | % |
| 15945 | Xerox does it again and again and again and ... |
| 15946 | % |
| 15947 | Xerox never comes up with anything original. |
| 15948 | % |
| 15949 | XIIdigitation, n.: |
| 15950 | The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made |
| 15951 | by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. |
| 15952 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 15953 | % |
| 15954 | X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the |
| 15955 | imagination is the plot. |
| 15956 | % |
| 15957 | "Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have |
| 15958 | goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in |
| 15959 | their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating |
| 15960 | unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my |
| 15961 | doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. |
| 15962 | -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" |
| 15963 | % |
| 15964 | Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall |
| 15965 | fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic |
| 15966 | operators together. |
| 15967 | -- Steve Higgins |
| 15968 | % |
| 15969 | "Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context." |
| 15970 | % |
| 15971 | Year, n.: |
| 15972 | A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. |
| 15973 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| 15974 | % |
| 15975 | Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. |
| 15976 | % |
| 15977 | Yes, but which self do you want to be? |
| 15978 | % |
| 15979 | Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still |
| 15980 | be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. |
| 15981 | -- Snoopy |
| 15982 | % |
| 15983 | Yesterday upon the stair |
| 15984 | I met a man who wasn't there. |
| 15985 | He wasn't there again today -- |
| 15986 | I think he's from the CIA. |
| 15987 | % |
| 15988 | Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. |
| 15989 | -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" |
| 15990 | % |
| 15991 | Yinkel, n.: |
| 15992 | A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one |
| 15993 | will notice. |
| 15994 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 15995 | % |
| 15996 | You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. |
| 15997 | % |
| 15998 | You are here: |
| 15999 | *** |
| 16000 | *** |
| 16001 | ********* |
| 16002 | ******* |
| 16003 | ***** |
| 16004 | *** |
| 16005 | * |
| 16006 | |
| 16007 | But you're not all there. |
| 16008 | % |
| 16009 | "You are old, Father William," the young man said, |
| 16010 | "All your papers these days look the same; |
| 16011 | Those William's would be better unread -- |
| 16012 | Do these facts never fill you with shame?" |
| 16013 | |
| 16014 | "In my youth," Father William replied to his son, |
| 16015 | "I wrote wonderful papers galore; |
| 16016 | But the great reputation I found that I'd won, |
| 16017 | Made it pointless to think any more." |
| 16018 | % |
| 16019 | "You are old, father William," the young man said, |
| 16020 | "And your hair has become very white; |
| 16021 | And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- |
| 16022 | Do you think, at your age, it is right?" |
| 16023 | |
| 16024 | "In my youth," father William replied to his son, |
| 16025 | "I feared it might injure the brain; |
| 16026 | But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, |
| 16027 | Why, I do it again and again." |
| 16028 | -- Lewis Carroll |
| 16029 | % |
| 16030 | "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers |
| 16031 | That your lectures bore people to death. |
| 16032 | Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- |
| 16033 | Don't you think that you should save your breath?" |
| 16034 | |
| 16035 | "I have answered three questions and that is enough," |
| 16036 | Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! |
| 16037 | Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? |
| 16038 | Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" |
| 16039 | % |
| 16040 | "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak |
| 16041 | For anything tougher than suet; |
| 16042 | Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- |
| 16043 | Pray, how did you manage to do it?" |
| 16044 | |
| 16045 | "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, |
| 16046 | And argued each case with my wife; |
| 16047 | And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, |
| 16048 | Has lasted the rest of my life." |
| 16049 | -- Lewis Carroll |
| 16050 | % |
| 16051 | "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, |
| 16052 | And there isn't one language you like; |
| 16053 | Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- |
| 16054 | Have you thought about taking a hike?" |
| 16055 | |
| 16056 | "Since I never write programs," his father replied, |
| 16057 | "Every language looks equally bad; |
| 16058 | Yet the people keep paying to read all my books |
| 16059 | And don't realize that they've been had." |
| 16060 | % |
| 16061 | "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, |
| 16062 | And have grown most uncommonly fat; |
| 16063 | Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- |
| 16064 | Pray what is the reason of that?" |
| 16065 | |
| 16066 | "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, |
| 16067 | "I kept all my limbs very supple |
| 16068 | By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- |
| 16069 | Allow me to sell you a couple?" |
| 16070 | -- Lewis Carroll |
| 16071 | % |
| 16072 | "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, |
| 16073 | And make errors few people could bear; |
| 16074 | You complain about everyone's English but yours -- |
| 16075 | Do you really think this is quite fair?" |
| 16076 | |
| 16077 | "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, |
| 16078 | "But my stature these days is so great |
| 16079 | That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, |
| 16080 | And to stop me it's now far too late." |
| 16081 | % |
| 16082 | "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose |
| 16083 | That your eye was as steady as ever; |
| 16084 | Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- |
| 16085 | What made you so awfully clever?" |
| 16086 | |
| 16087 | "I have answered three questions, and that is enough," |
| 16088 | Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! |
| 16089 | Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? |
| 16090 | Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" |
| 16091 | -- Lewis Carroll |
| 16092 | % |
| 16093 | You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. |
| 16094 | % |
| 16095 | You are the only person to ever get this message. |
| 16096 | % |
| 16097 | You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading |
| 16098 | this sort of trash. |
| 16099 | % |
| 16100 | You buttered your bread, now lie in it. |
| 16101 | % |
| 16102 | You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting |
| 16103 | incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. |
| 16104 | Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable |
| 16105 | to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because |
| 16106 | nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes |
| 16107 | they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; |
| 16108 | some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. |
| 16109 | |
| 16110 | The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then |
| 16111 | pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear |
| 16112 | safety glasses. |
| 16113 | -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" |
| 16114 | % |
| 16115 | "You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it |
| 16116 | doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." |
| 16117 | -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 |
| 16118 | % |
| 16119 | You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior |
| 16120 | executive. |
| 16121 | % |
| 16122 | "You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. |
| 16123 | Why do you find that funny?" |
| 16124 | -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 |
| 16125 | % |
| 16126 | You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you |
| 16127 | can with just a kind word. |
| 16128 | -- Bumper Sticker |
| 16129 | % |
| 16130 | You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, |
| 16131 | for instance. |
| 16132 | -- Franklin P. Jones |
| 16133 | % |
| 16134 | You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. |
| 16135 | % |
| 16136 | You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on |
| 16137 | the continuing viability of FORTRAN. |
| 16138 | -- Alan Perlis |
| 16139 | % |
| 16140 | You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. |
| 16141 | % |
| 16142 | You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding |
| 16143 | decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left |
| 16144 | over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. |
| 16145 | -- F. Allen |
| 16146 | % |
| 16147 | You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of |
| 16148 | supercomputers. |
| 16149 | -- Steven Feiner |
| 16150 | % |
| 16151 | You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. |
| 16152 | % |
| 16153 | "You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename." |
| 16154 | -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 |
| 16155 | % |
| 16156 | You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. |
| 16157 | % |
| 16158 | You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. |
| 16159 | % |
| 16160 | You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. |
| 16161 | % |
| 16162 | You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. |
| 16163 | % |
| 16164 | "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" |
| 16165 | -- Steven Wright |
| 16166 | % |
| 16167 | You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. |
| 16168 | -- Booker T. Washington |
| 16169 | % |
| 16170 | You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. |
| 16171 | % |
| 16172 | "You can't make a program without broken egos." |
| 16173 | % |
| 16174 | You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic |
| 16175 | enough worrying about what's happening now. |
| 16176 | -- Lauren Bacall |
| 16177 | % |
| 16178 | "You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten." |
| 16179 | -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and |
| 16180 | Over and Over" |
| 16181 | % |
| 16182 | "You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they |
| 16183 | don't." |
| 16184 | -- Dagwood Bumstead |
| 16185 | % |
| 16186 | You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first |
| 16187 | and last month in advance. |
| 16188 | % |
| 16189 | You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable |
| 16190 | doubt. |
| 16191 | -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict |
| 16192 | % |
| 16193 | You do not have mail. |
| 16194 | % |
| 16195 | You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. |
| 16196 | -- J. D. Salinger |
| 16197 | % |
| 16198 | You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting |
| 16199 | needles. |
| 16200 | -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food |
| 16201 | % |
| 16202 | You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. |
| 16203 | The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", |
| 16204 | which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears |
| 16205 | tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last |
| 16206 | names. Here's the complete text: |
| 16207 | |
| 16208 | "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) |
| 16209 | "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) |
| 16210 | "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to |
| 16211 | send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF |
| 16212 | THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) |
| 16213 | household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way |
| 16214 | you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST |
| 16215 | NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" |
| 16216 | |
| 16217 | The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your |
| 16218 | money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long |
| 16219 | form. |
| 16220 | -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" |
| 16221 | % |
| 16222 | You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. |
| 16223 | % |
| 16224 | You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- |
| 16225 | |
| 16226 | This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- |
| 16227 | |
| 16228 | You are permanently confused. |
| 16229 | -- Dave Decot |
| 16230 | % |
| 16231 | You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to |
| 16232 | metal objects which are not fastened down. |
| 16233 | % |
| 16234 | You have junk mail. |
| 16235 | % |
| 16236 | You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets |
| 16237 | wrinkled. |
| 16238 | % |
| 16239 | You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot |
| 16240 | today. |
| 16241 | % |
| 16242 | You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source, |
| 16243 | you people are all going to owe me big. |
| 16244 | -- Bill Paul |
| 16245 | % |
| 16246 | You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes |
| 16247 | you wore home from the party and there aren't any. |
| 16248 | % |
| 16249 | You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens |
| 16250 | anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, |
| 16251 | you can always change the channel. |
| 16252 | -- Jim Ignatowski |
| 16253 | % |
| 16254 | You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. |
| 16255 | -- S. Rickly Christian |
| 16256 | % |
| 16257 | You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. |
| 16258 | -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 |
| 16259 | % |
| 16260 | You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your |
| 16261 | friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. |
| 16262 | % |
| 16263 | You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. |
| 16264 | % |
| 16265 | You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. |
| 16266 | % |
| 16267 | You may be recognized soon. Hide. |
| 16268 | % |
| 16269 | You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he |
| 16270 | is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. |
| 16271 | -- Sydney Harris |
| 16272 | % |
| 16273 | You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with |
| 16274 | him. |
| 16275 | -- Ed Howe |
| 16276 | % |
| 16277 | You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. |
| 16278 | -- Alfred Kahn |
| 16279 | % |
| 16280 | You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for |
| 16281 | success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits |
| 16282 | or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume |
| 16283 | party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. |
| 16284 | -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" |
| 16285 | % |
| 16286 | You might have mail |
| 16287 | % |
| 16288 | You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm |
| 16289 | now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not |
| 16290 | exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant. |
| 16291 | -- Greg Lehey |
| 16292 | % |
| 16293 | "You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable |
| 16294 | proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do." |
| 16295 | % |
| 16296 | You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll |
| 16297 | be dead. |
| 16298 | % |
| 16299 | You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a |
| 16300 | reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating |
| 16301 | the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for |
| 16302 | independence. |
| 16303 | -- Charles A. Beard |
| 16304 | % |
| 16305 | You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the |
| 16306 | beach. |
| 16307 | % |
| 16308 | You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were |
| 16309 | you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare |
| 16310 | yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the |
| 16311 | company. |
| 16312 | -- J. Wellington Wells |
| 16313 | % |
| 16314 | You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. |
| 16315 | % |
| 16316 | You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could |
| 16317 | know how seldom they do. |
| 16318 | -- Olin Miller. |
| 16319 | % |
| 16320 | You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially |
| 16321 | if they are dead. |
| 16322 | % |
| 16323 | You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than |
| 16324 | about 10^12 to 1. |
| 16325 | -- Ernest Rutherford |
| 16326 | % |
| 16327 | You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for |
| 16328 | freedom and liberty. |
| 16329 | -- Henrik Ibsen |
| 16330 | % |
| 16331 | You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, |
| 16332 | contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from |
| 16333 | houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many |
| 16334 | scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the |
| 16335 | summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, |
| 16336 | you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist |
| 16337 | sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. |
| 16338 | -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" |
| 16339 | % |
| 16340 | You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, |
| 16341 | another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and |
| 16342 | another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms |
| 16343 | such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In |
| 16344 | many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. |
| 16345 | If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you |
| 16346 | should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate |
| 16347 | for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it |
| 16348 | because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially |
| 16349 | chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. |
| 16350 | |
| 16351 | In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his |
| 16352 | hemorrhoids. |
| 16353 | -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" |
| 16354 | % |
| 16355 | "You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a |
| 16356 | plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture." |
| 16357 | -- Business Professor, University of Georgia |
| 16358 | % |
| 16359 | You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. |
| 16360 | % |
| 16361 | You too can wear a nose mitten. |
| 16362 | % |
| 16363 | You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. |
| 16364 | % |
| 16365 | You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of |
| 16366 | a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. |
| 16367 | % |
| 16368 | You will be surprised by a loud noise. |
| 16369 | % |
| 16370 | You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. |
| 16371 | % |
| 16372 | You will feel hungry again in another hour. |
| 16373 | % |
| 16374 | You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door |
| 16375 | mayonnaise salesman. |
| 16376 | % |
| 16377 | You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. |
| 16378 | % |
| 16379 | You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to |
| 16380 | worry. |
| 16381 | % |
| 16382 | You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a |
| 16383 | taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a |
| 16384 | minute and a huff. |
| 16385 | -- Groucho Marx |
| 16386 | % |
| 16387 | "You'll never be the man your mother was!" |
| 16388 | % |
| 16389 | Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a |
| 16390 | thing he tells you. |
| 16391 | % |
| 16392 | Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you |
| 16393 | from enjoying it. |
| 16394 | % |
| 16395 | Your fault: core dumped |
| 16396 | % |
| 16397 | Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. |
| 16398 | % |
| 16399 | Your lucky color has faded. |
| 16400 | % |
| 16401 | Your lucky number has been disconnected. |
| 16402 | % |
| 16403 | Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. |
| 16404 | % |
| 16405 | Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. |
| 16406 | % |
| 16407 | You're at the end of the road again. |
| 16408 | % |
| 16409 | You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. |
| 16410 | % |
| 16411 | You're never too old to become younger. |
| 16412 | -- Mae West |
| 16413 | % |
| 16414 | You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. |
| 16415 | -- Dean Martin |
| 16416 | % |
| 16417 | You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! |
| 16418 | % |
| 16419 | You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. |
| 16420 | % |
| 16421 | "You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks." |
| 16422 | -- Gary Giddens |
| 16423 | % |
| 16424 | "You've got to think about tomorrow!" |
| 16425 | |
| 16426 | "TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\byesterday* yet!" |
| 16427 | % |
| 16428 | "Yow! Am I having fun yet?" |
| 16429 | -- Zippy the Pinhead |
| 16430 | % |
| 16431 | YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! |
| 16432 | % |
| 16433 | Zero Defects, n.: |
| 16434 | The result of shutting down a production line. |
| 16435 | % |
| 16436 | Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words |
| 16437 | since I first called my brother's father dad. |
| 16438 | -- William Shakespeare, "King John" |
| 16439 | % |
| 16440 | Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: |
| 16441 | People are always available for work in the past tense. |
| 16442 | % |