1 This fortune brought to you by:
2 The DragonFly BSD Project
4 =======================================================================
6 || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
7 || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
9 =======================================================================
10 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
12 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
13 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
14 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
15 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
16 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
17 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
18 Read the Warner paperback!
19 Invoke the Unix program!
20 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
21 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
25 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
27 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
28 inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
29 a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
30 ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
31 age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
32 long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
33 ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
34 in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
39 p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
40 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
53 _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____
67 _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_
68 -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
69 -############// |\^^/| \\############-
70 _~############// (O||O) \\############~_
71 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
72 -###############\\ (oo) //###############-
73 -#################\\ / `' \ //#################-
74 -###################\\/ () \//###################-
75 _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_
76 |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \|
77 ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| '
78 ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> '
80 __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/
81 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/
84 _/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l
85 I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l
86 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l
87 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l
88 [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l
89 [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l
90 [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l
91 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l
92 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l
93 [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l
94 [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's
95 [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings
96 _[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________
97 [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R>
99 In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside.
102 SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE
103 MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR!
108 :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .:
109 (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o
110 ====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-'
111 \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: ..
112 ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.:
113 ( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \
114 ( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\
115 (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\
116 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/
135 Use ladder tonight --
136 you're splitting my ends.
140 Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
141 Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
144 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
145 the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
146 of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
147 of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
148 bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
149 pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
150 there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
151 to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
153 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
154 This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
155 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
159 For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
160 save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
161 next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
162 to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
163 forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
164 the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
165 either. If you need some help, give us a call.
167 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
170 12 + 144 + 20 + 3*4 2
171 ---------------------- + 5 * 11 = 9 + 0
174 A dozen, a gross and a score,
175 Plus three times the square root of four,
177 Plus five times eleven,
178 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
180 -- Gifts for Children --
182 This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
183 because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
184 and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
185 morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
186 exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
187 your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
188 Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
189 might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
190 me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
191 who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
192 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
196 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
197 ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
198 should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
199 clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
200 example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
201 three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
202 that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
203 at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
204 So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
205 years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
206 pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
208 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
209 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
211 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
217 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
218 of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
219 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
223 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
224 to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
225 "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
230 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
231 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
232 the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
233 each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
234 chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
235 nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
236 days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
237 seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
238 friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
239 Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
240 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
241 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
242 all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
244 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
246 Has your family tried 'em?
250 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
252 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
253 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
257 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
258 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
259 stains that indicate freshness.
261 It's grad exam time...
263 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
264 system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
265 this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
266 bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
267 new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
270 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
271 it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
272 length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
275 Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
277 It's grad exam time...
279 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
280 bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
281 been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
284 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
285 day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
286 economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
287 Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
290 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
291 if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
292 special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
294 Pittsburgh driver's test
296 a) extremely dangerous.
298 c) the fault of the previous administration.
299 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
300 The correct answer is b.
301 Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
302 are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
303 you have nothing to worry about.
305 Pittsburgh driver's test
306 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
308 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
311 The correct answer is d.
312 If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
314 Pittsburgh driver's test
315 3: When stopped at an intersection you should
316 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
317 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
319 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
320 The correct answer is d.
321 You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
323 Answer c is worth a half point.
325 Pittsburgh driver's test
331 The correct answer is b.
332 The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
333 are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
334 you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
336 Pittsburgh driver's test
337 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
338 How often should you test it?
343 The correct answer is d.
344 You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
345 and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
347 Pittsburgh driver's test
348 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
349 but a steady left tail light. This means
350 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
351 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
352 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
353 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
354 d) The driver is from out of town.
355 The correct answer is d.
356 Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
358 Pittsburgh driver's test
363 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
364 The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
365 are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
368 Pittsburgh driver's test
369 9: Roads are salted in order to
374 The correct answer is c.
375 Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
376 indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
377 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
380 THE STORY OF CREATION
384 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
385 and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
386 was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
387 registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
388 and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
389 Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
390 and there was morning, one interrupt ...
393 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
396 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
397 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
398 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
399 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
400 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
402 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
403 he met the traveling salesman.
404 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
405 in high-level language.
406 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
407 and Apples," commented Jack.
408 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
409 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
410 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
411 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
413 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
414 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
417 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
419 (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
420 (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
423 (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
424 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
425 (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
426 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
427 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
432 Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
433 And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
434 Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
436 Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
437 And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
438 Know what to kiss -- and when.
439 Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
441 Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
442 Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
443 And despite the changing fortunes of time,
444 There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
446 You are a fluke of the universe ...
447 You have no right to be here.
448 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
449 Is laughing behind your back.
453 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
455 Double bucky, you're the one!
456 You make my keyboard lots of fun
457 Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
459 Control and Meta side by side,
460 Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
461 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
463 Oh, I sure wish that I,
464 Had a couple of bits more!
465 Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
467 Double bucky, left and right
468 OR'd together, outta sight!
469 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
470 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
471 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
472 -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978
473 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
474 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
477 Hard Copies and Chmod
479 And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
480 cold diskdrives hardware monitors
481 user-hostile software
483 of course they're only bits and bytes
484 and characters and strings
487 just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
488 telling me he loves me and
489 he'll take care of me
491 simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
492 deep intimate secrets and
493 how he doesn't trust me
495 couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
496 on personal stationery
497 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
499 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
500 Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
501 margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
502 will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
504 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
505 neither has street credibility.
506 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
507 on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
509 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
511 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
512 ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
513 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
514 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
515 up of western dualism?
516 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
519 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
520 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
521 All kludgy were the function flows
522 And subroutines adhoc.
524 Beware the runtime-bug my friend
525 squrooneg, the false goto
526 Beware the infiniteloop
527 And shun the inprectoo.
529 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
530 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
531 nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
532 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
533 when you hit the ground.
534 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
535 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
536 to psychological problems.
537 5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
538 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
539 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
540 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
541 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
542 7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
543 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
544 staggering illegally.
545 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
546 sanitary due to limited circulation.
547 10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
550 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
551 The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
552 in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
553 Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
554 fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
555 Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
556 target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
557 If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
558 computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
559 through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
560 to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
561 for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
562 take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
563 into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
564 computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
565 they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
566 Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
567 a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
568 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
571 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
573 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
574 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
576 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
577 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
578 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
580 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
581 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
582 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
583 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
584 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
585 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
587 The Three Major Kind of Tools
589 * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
590 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
591 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
592 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
594 * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
596 * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
597 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
598 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
599 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
600 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
602 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
603 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
604 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
605 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
606 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
607 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
608 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
609 And we've also found Just flip one switch
610 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
611 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
613 Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
614 Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
615 And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
617 'Twas the Night before Crisis
619 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
620 Not a program was working not even a browse.
621 The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
622 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
623 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
624 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
625 When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
626 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
627 And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
628 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
629 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
630 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
631 On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
632 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
633 His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
634 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
635 A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
636 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
638 What I Did During My Fall Semester
639 On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
640 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
641 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
643 On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
644 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
645 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
647 On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
648 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
649 I found a thesis topic:
650 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
651 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
652 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
654 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
656 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
657 be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
658 agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
659 out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
660 of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
661 not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
662 conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
663 sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
664 close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
665 words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
666 must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
667 linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
668 metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
669 be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
670 writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
671 the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
677 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
681 The integral of z squared, dz
682 From 1 to the cube root of 3
685 Is the log of the cube root of e
689 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
690 Plans to "Eat it later"
692 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
694 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
695 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
696 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
697 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
698 They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
699 With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
700 and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
701 in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
702 computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
703 you should blame when you make a mistake.
705 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
706 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
707 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
709 *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
711 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
714 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
715 to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
716 be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
717 would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
718 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
719 same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
720 "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
721 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
722 with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
723 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
724 Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
725 ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
726 ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
727 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
728 hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
730 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
731 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
732 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
733 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
734 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
736 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
737 Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
738 help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
739 enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
741 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
742 To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
743 try this simple test:
744 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
745 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
746 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
747 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
748 If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
749 them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
751 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
753 Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
754 programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
755 form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
756 winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
757 sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
758 Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
759 program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
760 was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
761 his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
762 have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
763 in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
764 be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
765 can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
766 yourself in the morning.
769 \a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root ***
771 System going down in 60 seconds
775 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
776 personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
777 best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
778 Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
779 soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
780 reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
781 table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
782 not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
783 crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
784 beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
785 wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
787 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
789 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
791 7,140 pounds on the Sun
792 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
794 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
795 43 pounds on the Moon
796 648 pounds on Jupiter
798 303 pounds on Neptune
801 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
804 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
805 the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
806 the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
807 another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
809 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
810 of carp-to-carp walleting."
812 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
813 the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
814 missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
815 his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
816 work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
817 flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
818 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
819 events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
820 dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
821 "Have you seen my parakeet?"
823 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
824 a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
825 foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
826 have what I think is a pretty good act."
827 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
828 the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
829 Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
830 his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
831 man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
832 performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
833 from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
834 the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
835 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
836 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
839 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
842 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
843 his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
844 the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
845 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
846 toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
848 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
849 whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
850 got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
851 medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
852 rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
853 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
854 itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
855 and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
856 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
857 commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
859 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
860 his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
862 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
863 house of seven gobbles.
865 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
866 buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
867 the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
868 boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
869 the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
870 the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
871 they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
872 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
873 farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
874 frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
876 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
877 don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
878 today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
879 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
880 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
881 the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
883 A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
884 her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
885 looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
886 sadly, "runneth over."
888 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
889 After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
890 one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
891 the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
892 "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
893 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
895 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
896 island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
897 could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
898 were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
899 the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
900 the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
901 downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
902 charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
903 men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
904 Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
905 blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
906 only blurt out, "What happened?"
907 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
908 ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
909 grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
910 hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
911 the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
912 to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
914 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
915 dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
916 brother and inquires after his pet.
917 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
918 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
919 he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
920 of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
921 outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
922 corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
923 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
924 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
926 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
929 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
930 I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
931 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
932 be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
933 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
934 dog's stuck in its throat."
936 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
937 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
938 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
940 A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your
941 book The Martian Chronicles?"
943 He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the
946 He said "No." -- So I hit him.
947 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
949 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
950 days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
952 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
953 The housewife replied, "Four!".
954 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
955 through my spread sheet one more time."
956 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
957 hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
959 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
960 made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
961 would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
963 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
964 state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
965 I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay."
966 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
967 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
968 and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
970 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
971 the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
972 The bartender ignores him.
973 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
975 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
976 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
977 leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
978 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
979 jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
980 saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
981 "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
983 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
984 to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
985 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
986 and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
987 French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
988 and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
989 German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
990 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
991 told, "that one is 150,000."
992 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
993 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
994 do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
995 -- being told in Poland, 1987
997 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
998 Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
999 wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
1000 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
1001 pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
1003 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
1005 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
1006 first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
1007 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
1008 and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
1009 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
1010 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
1011 little more ... that's it."
1012 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
1013 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
1014 go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
1015 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
1016 street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
1017 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
1018 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
1019 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1021 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
1022 shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
1023 that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
1024 soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
1025 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
1026 agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
1027 Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
1028 -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
1030 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
1031 afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
1032 he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
1033 for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
1034 help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
1035 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
1036 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
1037 won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
1039 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
1040 during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
1041 was making a bolt for the door.
1043 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
1044 terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
1045 Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
1046 homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
1047 got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
1048 who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
1049 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
1050 something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
1051 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
1053 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
1054 "Do you serve lawyers here?".
1055 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
1056 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
1059 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
1060 wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
1062 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
1064 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
1065 program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
1067 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
1068 how long will it take?"
1069 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
1070 to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
1071 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
1072 satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
1073 The programmer agreed to this.
1074 Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his
1075 retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
1076 He had been programming all night.
1077 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1079 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
1080 invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
1081 manager retained his job.
1082 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
1083 refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
1084 concept, and thus I expect no reward."
1085 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
1086 holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
1087 employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
1088 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
1089 so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
1090 everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
1091 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1093 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
1094 work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
1095 at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
1096 resigned on the spot.
1097 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
1098 working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
1099 programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
1100 hours of the morning.
1101 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1103 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
1104 document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
1105 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
1106 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
1107 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
1108 take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
1109 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
1110 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
1111 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
1112 completed," he said.
1113 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1115 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
1116 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
1117 he said, "may I examine it?"
1118 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
1119 "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
1120 and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
1121 where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
1123 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
1124 mysterious setting?"
1125 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
1126 And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
1127 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1129 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
1130 "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
1132 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
1133 "It is," came the reply.
1134 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
1135 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
1136 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
1137 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
1138 over for today," he said.
1139 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1143 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
1144 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
1145 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
1146 today's minute attention span.
1148 The Troubled Aardvark
1150 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
1151 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
1152 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
1153 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled
1154 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
1155 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
1156 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
1157 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
1158 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
1159 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
1160 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
1162 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
1165 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
1166 new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
1168 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
1169 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
1170 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
1171 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
1172 "If what?" asked the composer.
1173 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
1175 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
1176 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
1177 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
1178 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
1179 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
1180 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
1181 power-down sequence.
1182 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
1183 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
1184 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
1187 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
1188 documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
1189 the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
1190 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
1191 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
1192 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
1193 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
1194 has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
1195 themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
1196 entered the mystery of the Tao."
1197 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1199 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
1200 sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
1201 baffled. What is the reason for this?"
1202 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
1203 the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
1204 do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
1205 simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
1206 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
1207 Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
1208 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
1210 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
1211 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1213 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
1214 much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
1215 among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
1217 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
1218 company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
1219 would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
1220 servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
1221 of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
1222 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1224 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
1225 that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
1226 vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
1227 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
1228 names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
1229 unnatural entity exist?"
1230 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
1231 disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
1232 its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
1233 beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
1234 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1236 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
1238 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
1239 reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
1240 of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
1241 but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
1242 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
1243 "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
1244 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1246 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
1247 power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
1248 "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
1249 of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
1252 "A penny for your thoughts?"
1253 "A dollar for your death."
1256 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
1257 in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
1258 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
1259 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
1260 party. He walked out into the night.
1261 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
1262 be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
1264 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
1265 to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
1266 save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
1268 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
1269 He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
1270 has killed them all.
1271 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
1272 went out to be killed?
1273 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
1274 He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
1276 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
1277 upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
1278 "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
1280 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
1281 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
1283 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
1284 strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
1285 throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
1286 loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
1288 A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment". What is this
1289 law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
1290 way that astonishes him least.
1291 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1292 program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1294 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1295 disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1297 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1299 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1300 conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1301 of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1302 unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1303 clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they
1304 made rude noises during my presentation."
1305 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1306 Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1307 an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1308 Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1309 with social conventions?"
1310 "They are alive within the Tao."
1311 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1313 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
1314 stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"
1315 "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
1317 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1318 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1319 doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1320 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1321 which contained twelve more loons.
1322 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1323 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1324 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1325 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1327 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1328 recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1329 his wellness potential."
1331 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1332 of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1334 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1335 personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1337 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1338 mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1340 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1341 of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1342 only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1343 of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1344 unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1345 touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1346 experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1347 pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1349 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1351 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1352 "This is a parson to parson call."
1353 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1354 Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1355 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1356 deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1357 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1358 often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1359 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1360 caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1361 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1364 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1365 As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1366 eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1368 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1369 SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1370 really want to know.
1371 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1372 under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1374 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1375 realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1376 see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1377 group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1378 that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1379 it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1380 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1381 work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1382 Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1383 dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1384 another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1385 the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1386 requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1387 going to it is so large.
1388 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1389 electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1390 British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1391 British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1392 I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1393 secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1394 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1396 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1397 Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1398 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1399 friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1400 had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1401 and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1402 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1403 from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1404 Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1406 "...A strange enigma is man!"
1407 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
1408 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
1409 that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
1410 becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
1411 any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
1412 will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
1414 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
1416 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
1418 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
1419 to die, would you remarry?"
1420 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
1421 this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
1422 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
1423 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
1424 "Well, would you live in this house?"
1425 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
1426 I've always loved it here."
1427 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
1430 "She's left handed."
1432 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1433 to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1434 sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1435 "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1436 Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1437 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1438 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1440 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1441 am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1442 suck the poison from the wound."
1443 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1444 a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1445 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1446 who my real friends are."
1448 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
1449 little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
1450 save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
1452 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1453 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1454 child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1455 therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1456 to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1457 the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1458 his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1459 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1460 after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1461 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1464 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
1465 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
1466 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
1467 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
1468 vatch das blinkenlights!!!
1470 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
1471 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
1472 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
1474 "This is true," He replied.
1475 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
1476 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
1477 right to make his laws?"
1478 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
1481 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1483 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1484 directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1485 Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1486 edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1487 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1488 wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1491 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1492 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1493 would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1494 favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1496 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1497 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1498 discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1499 children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1500 Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1501 ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1502 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1503 Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1504 interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1505 a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1506 cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1507 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1508 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1509 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1510 realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1511 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1514 All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and
1515 how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
1516 graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
1517 These are the things I learned:
1521 Put things back where you found them.
1522 Clean up your own mess.
1523 Don't take things that aren't yours.
1524 Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
1525 Wash your hands before you eat.
1527 Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
1528 Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and
1529 paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
1530 Take a nap every afternoon.
1531 When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands,
1533 Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam
1534 cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows
1535 how or why, but we are all like that.
1536 Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in
1537 the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we.
1538 And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you
1539 learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.
1540 Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden
1541 Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality
1543 [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the
1544 whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon
1545 and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments
1546 had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them
1547 and to clean up their own mess.
1548 And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go
1549 out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
1550 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know
1551 I Learned in Kindergarten"
1553 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
1554 earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
1555 minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
1556 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
1558 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
1559 of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
1560 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
1563 All that you touch, And all you create,
1564 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1565 All that you taste, All that you do,
1566 All you feel, And all you say,
1567 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1568 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1569 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1570 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1571 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1572 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1573 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1574 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1576 But the sun is eclipsed
1579 There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1580 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1582 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1583 with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1584 years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1585 or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1587 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1588 want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1589 thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1590 the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1591 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1592 to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1593 up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1594 Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1595 perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1596 impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1597 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1598 screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1600 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
1601 time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
1602 had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
1603 teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
1605 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
1606 he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
1608 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
1609 after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
1610 time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
1611 with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
1612 is ready to build a second system.
1613 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
1614 he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
1615 other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
1616 will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
1618 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
1619 the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
1620 The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1621 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
1623 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
1624 porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
1625 picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
1626 tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
1627 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
1628 beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
1630 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
1631 for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
1632 stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
1633 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
1634 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
1635 faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
1637 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
1638 handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
1639 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
1640 the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
1643 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1644 is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1645 announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1646 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1647 all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1648 piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1649 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1650 "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1651 outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1652 this head and pulls the trigger.
1653 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1655 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1656 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1658 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1659 The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1660 to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1661 used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1662 woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1663 and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1664 over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1665 and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1666 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1667 while plunging the knife into his heart.
1668 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1669 "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1670 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1671 while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1673 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
1674 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
1675 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
1676 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
1677 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
1678 hour seems like a minute."
1679 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
1680 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
1681 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1683 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1684 great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1685 I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1686 I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1687 I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1688 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1689 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1691 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
1692 bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
1693 to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
1694 upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
1695 breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
1696 (skip a bit brother...)
1697 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
1698 take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
1699 Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
1700 shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
1701 that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
1702 three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
1703 Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
1705 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
1707 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1708 asked the father of his little son.
1711 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
1712 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding
1713 someone qualified who is willing to accept the post."
1714 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
1715 can at least make a decision."
1716 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
1717 young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
1718 up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
1719 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
1721 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
1722 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
1724 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
1725 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
1726 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
1729 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1730 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
1731 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1732 "That was the curious incident."
1733 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1735 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1736 preaching to a group of disciples.
1737 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1738 the absolute reality of --"
1739 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1740 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1742 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1743 with the spirit of the morning.
1744 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1746 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1747 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1749 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1750 enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1751 soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1752 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1753 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1754 Governor, and he vaporized.
1755 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1756 his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1758 "Are you police officers?"
1759 "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
1760 -- The Blues Brothers
1762 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
1763 "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
1766 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1767 for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1768 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1769 you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1770 friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1771 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1773 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1775 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
1776 Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1777 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1779 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1780 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
1782 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1783 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1784 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1785 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1786 Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1787 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1788 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1789 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1790 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1791 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1793 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it,
1794 and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full
1795 of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come
1796 by their ignorance the hard way."
1797 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle"
1799 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1800 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1801 boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1802 look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1803 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1804 teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1805 the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1806 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1807 Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1808 what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1809 clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1810 get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1811 You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1812 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1813 pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1814 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1816 "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
1819 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1820 the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1821 still five feet between rails.
1822 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1823 in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1824 of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1825 axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1826 could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1827 great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1828 rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1829 new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1830 over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1832 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1834 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1835 along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1836 Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1837 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1838 would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1839 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1840 to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1841 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1842 I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1843 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1844 whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1845 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1846 it some other time, Carrie."
1848 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1850 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
1851 the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
1852 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
1855 Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1856 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1857 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1859 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which
1860 way I ought to go from here?"
1861 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said
1863 "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
1864 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
1865 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
1867 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
1868 in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1870 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1873 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1875 Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1876 old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1877 For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1878 is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1879 try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1880 two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1881 back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1882 come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1883 run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1884 something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1885 up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1886 neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1887 stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1888 coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1889 skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1890 Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1891 was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1892 air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1893 Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1895 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1897 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1898 functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1899 the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1900 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1901 diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1902 square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1904 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1905 DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1906 ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1907 CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1908 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1910 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1912 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1913 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1914 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1915 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1916 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1917 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1918 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1919 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1920 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1921 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1923 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
1924 be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
1926 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
1928 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
1929 I've always been especially fond of married women."
1931 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1932 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1933 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1934 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1936 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1937 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1938 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1939 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1940 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1942 "Do you think there's a God?"
1943 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
1946 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1947 white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1949 Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1951 p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns?
1952 Or is Vaseline better?
1954 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
1955 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
1956 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
1957 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
1958 intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
1959 They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
1960 used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
1961 bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
1962 They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
1963 They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
1964 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
1966 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
1967 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
1968 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
1969 "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
1971 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1972 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1973 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1974 experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1975 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1976 to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1977 thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1978 march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1979 sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1980 The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1981 human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1982 sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1983 all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1984 knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1985 my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1986 characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1987 The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1988 `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1989 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1991 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1992 him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1993 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1994 She's a woman who conks to stupor.
1995 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1996 man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1997 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1998 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1999 bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
2001 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
2002 were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
2003 red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
2004 "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
2005 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
2006 shot at mine, over there."
2008 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
2009 called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
2010 have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
2011 most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
2012 time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
2013 have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
2014 although God alone knows why it would want to.
2015 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
2016 direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
2017 have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
2018 direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
2019 harmful electron buildup in the wires.
2020 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2022 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
2023 At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
2024 after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
2025 "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
2028 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
2029 far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
2030 the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
2031 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
2032 days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
2033 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
2034 speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
2035 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
2036 and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
2037 sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
2038 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
2039 be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
2041 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
2042 that she didn't recognize me.
2043 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
2044 this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
2045 they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
2046 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
2048 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
2049 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
2050 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
2051 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
2052 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
2053 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
2054 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
2056 Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the
2057 humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
2058 rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
2059 seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
2060 The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
2061 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
2062 aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
2063 but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
2064 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
2065 message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
2066 but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
2067 energy policy and neither do you."
2068 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
2070 "Fantasies are free."
2071 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
2073 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
2074 other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
2075 the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
2077 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
2078 to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
2079 Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
2080 piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
2081 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
2082 inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
2083 other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
2084 placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
2085 the little hammers strike.
2086 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
2087 their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
2088 Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
2090 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
2091 you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
2092 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
2094 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
2095 of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
2101 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
2102 "of course you know what `it' means."
2104 "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
2105 said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
2107 The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
2109 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
2110 usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
2111 evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
2112 such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
2113 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
2114 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
2115 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
2116 At last, one spoke: "How about `a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
2117 in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
2118 professor spoke: "I'd suggest `an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
2119 nodded. A third spoke: "I propose `a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
2120 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
2121 remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
2122 the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
2124 Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose.'"
2126 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
2128 "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
2130 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
2131 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
2132 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
2134 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
2135 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
2137 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
2138 extracurricular activity except you."
2139 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
2140 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
2141 -- The Firesign Theatre
2143 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
2144 to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
2145 beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
2146 dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
2147 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
2148 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
2150 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
2151 differences once and for all.
2152 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
2153 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
2155 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
2156 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
2157 to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
2158 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
2159 text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
2160 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
2161 the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
2162 expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
2163 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
2164 perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
2165 denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
2167 Thank you and good luck.
2168 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
2170 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
2172 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
2173 Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
2174 off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
2175 wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
2176 mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
2177 tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
2180 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
2181 may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
2182 Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
2183 even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
2184 aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
2185 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
2186 for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
2187 Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
2188 hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
2189 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
2190 bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
2191 for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
2192 proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
2193 about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
2194 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
2195 them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
2196 you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
2197 -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
2198 Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
2199 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
2200 can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
2201 line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
2203 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
2205 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
2206 his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
2207 verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
2208 thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
2209 had actually implicationed.
2210 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
2211 leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
2212 since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
2215 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
2216 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
2217 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
2218 to conquer the world.
2219 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
2220 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
2221 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
2222 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
2223 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
2224 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
2225 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2227 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
2228 from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
2229 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
2230 promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
2231 nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
2232 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
2233 you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
2234 right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
2235 the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
2236 find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
2237 the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
2239 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
2240 No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
2242 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
2243 situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
2244 hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
2245 "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
2246 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
2247 the gun on himself!"
2248 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
2249 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
2251 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
2254 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
2255 "Yes; I don't have one."
2256 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
2257 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
2259 "Have you lived here all your life?"
2260 "Oh, twice that long."
2262 "Hawk, we're going to die."
2263 "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
2266 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
2267 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
2268 heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
2269 ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
2270 rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
2271 felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
2272 doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
2273 "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
2275 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
2276 out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
2278 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
2279 does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
2280 combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
2282 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
2284 He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without
2285 lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light
2286 without darkening me.
2287 -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas
2289 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
2290 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
2292 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
2293 "How would that help?"
2296 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
2297 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
2298 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
2299 "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
2300 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
2301 "Oh, it's not dead then."
2302 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
2303 goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
2305 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
2306 to a dead cat, do you?"
2309 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
2312 "Whattaya got for collateral?"
2317 "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference
2318 between amd64 and ia64."
2319 "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd
2320 know the difference then."
2321 -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture
2323 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
2324 willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
2325 for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
2326 "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
2327 centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
2328 trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
2329 because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
2330 object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
2331 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
2332 broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
2333 a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
2334 inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
2335 same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
2336 an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
2337 these sometime around the middle of next week".
2338 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2340 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
2341 of her blonde companion.
2342 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
2343 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
2346 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why
2347 were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
2348 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
2349 replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
2350 you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
2351 deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
2352 second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
2353 in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
2354 licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
2356 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
2357 hers and not my own, not ever again."
2358 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
2360 "How many people work here?"
2363 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
2364 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
2365 who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
2367 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
2369 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
2370 social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
2371 full of money before."
2373 "How'd you get that flat?"
2374 "Ran over a bottle."
2375 "Didn't you see it?"
2376 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
2378 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
2379 misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
2380 the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
2381 see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
2382 background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
2383 uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
2384 cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
2385 remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
2386 line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
2387 The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
2388 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
2390 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
2391 the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
2392 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
2393 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
2395 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
2397 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
2398 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
2399 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
2402 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
2403 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
2404 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
2405 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
2406 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
2407 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
2408 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
2409 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
2410 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2412 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
2414 HE asked me about black holes in space.
2415 (There's a hole *where*?)
2417 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
2418 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
2419 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
2421 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
2422 HE talked internal combustion engines.
2423 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
2425 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
2427 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
2430 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
2431 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
2433 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
2435 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
2436 we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
2437 leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
2438 in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
2439 time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
2440 library, we could call each other up:
2443 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
2444 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
2445 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
2446 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
2447 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
2448 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
2449 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
2450 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
2451 have to get back to you.
2453 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
2455 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
2456 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
2457 till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
2459 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
2461 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
2462 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
2464 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
2465 so many different things."
2466 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
2469 "Through the Looking-Glass,
2470 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
2472 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
2473 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
2474 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
2475 can't be measured in monetary terms.
2476 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
2477 have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
2478 by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
2479 should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
2480 understand his long delay.
2482 I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
2483 I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?"
2484 He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later
2485 the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.
2486 I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I
2487 want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his
2488 shack in the desert.
2489 Then the phone rang. He said "You get it."
2490 I picked it up and said "Hello?"
2491 The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?"
2493 The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from
2494 your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
2495 university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
2496 loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?"
2497 I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all
2498 of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...
2499 and I would appreciate it you never called me again."
2502 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2503 I think very probably he might be cured."
2504 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2505 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2506 The elders murmured assent.
2507 "Now, what affects it?"
2508 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2509 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2510 things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2511 depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2512 as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2513 his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2514 irritation and distraction."
2515 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2516 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2517 to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2518 operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2519 "And then he will be sane?"
2520 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2521 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2522 -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2524 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
2525 "Did you ever see a doctor?"
2528 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2529 of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2530 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2531 as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2532 "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2534 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2535 myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2536 immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2537 observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2538 but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2539 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2540 conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2541 proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2542 I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2543 prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2544 happened to be in the right.
2545 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2547 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2549 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2551 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2552 back; I would be nice."
2553 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2555 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2557 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2558 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2559 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2560 valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2561 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2563 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2564 asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2565 That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2566 over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2568 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2569 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2570 these complaints represent?"
2571 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2572 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2574 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2576 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2577 including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2578 as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2579 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2580 of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2581 and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2582 My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2583 when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2584 into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2585 pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2586 into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2587 explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2588 time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2589 deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2591 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
2592 that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
2593 more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
2594 might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
2595 otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
2597 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
2599 I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
2600 He said, "What you need is to grow up, son."
2601 I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and
2602 to me that don't sound like much fun.
2603 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
2605 "I suppose you expect me to talk."
2606 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
2609 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
2610 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of
2612 -- The Life of Brian
2614 "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
2615 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
2617 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
2618 "What'll you have, Bud"?
2619 I said," I don't know, surprise me".
2620 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
2621 -- Rodney Dangerfield
2623 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
2624 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2625 that is also a psychological interaction.
2626 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2628 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2629 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2631 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2632 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2633 is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2634 the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2635 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2637 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2639 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2640 expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2642 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2644 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2645 everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2646 we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2647 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2650 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2651 brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2652 up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2653 repeat the sequence.
2654 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2655 hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2656 again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2658 -- William S. Burroughs
2660 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
2661 around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
2662 explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
2663 "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
2664 deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
2665 better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
2666 with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
2667 you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
2668 successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
2669 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
2670 You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
2671 difficult can it be?"
2672 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
2673 which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
2674 other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
2675 yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
2676 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2678 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2679 means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2680 somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2681 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2682 them, or something?"
2683 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2684 lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2685 not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2686 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2687 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2688 you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2689 it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2690 would destroy the whole point of it."
2691 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2693 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
2694 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
2696 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
2698 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2699 right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2700 library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2701 should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2702 was by the time I find it.
2703 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2704 "The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2705 that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2706 pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2710 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after
2711 badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
2712 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home
2715 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2716 Junior, what are you up to?"
2717 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2719 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2720 will publish such rubbish!"
2721 "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
2722 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
2723 rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.
2724 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
2725 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
2727 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
2728 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
2729 out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
2730 Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
2731 should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
2732 next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2734 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
2735 important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2737 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2738 his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2739 kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2740 was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2741 Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2742 Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2743 of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2744 and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2745 out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2747 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
2748 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2749 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2750 pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2751 been an efficiency expert?
2752 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2754 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
2757 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
2758 can see what we have done."
2759 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
2760 man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
2761 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
2762 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
2763 "Certainly," said man.
2764 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
2766 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
2768 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2769 null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2770 IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2771 be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2772 carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2773 the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2774 evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2775 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2777 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2778 the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2779 large numbers and prospered.
2780 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2781 as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2782 was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2783 until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2784 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2785 structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2786 out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2787 they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
2788 understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2789 amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2790 Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2791 -- The Story of Babel
2793 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2794 Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2796 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2797 time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2798 have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2799 How could it be otherwise?
2800 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2802 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2803 sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2804 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2805 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2806 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2807 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2808 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2809 you close your eyes?"
2810 "So that the room will be empty."
2811 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2813 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2814 changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2815 bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2816 This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
2817 making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2818 the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2819 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2820 it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2821 its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2822 does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2823 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2825 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
2826 In the evening, floating in the soup.
2828 Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
2829 Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
2830 You can ask them anything you want to.
2831 They won't answer; they can't talk.
2833 I took a fish head out to see a movie,
2834 Didn't have to pay to get it in.
2836 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
2837 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
2839 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in
2840 Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
2844 -- Barnes & Barnes, "Fish Heads"
2846 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2847 to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2848 like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2849 baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2850 Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2851 achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2854 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2855 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2856 life-style otherwise."
2857 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2859 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
2860 announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
2861 today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
2862 a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
2863 in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
2864 around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
2865 those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
2866 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
2867 citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
2868 these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
2869 than a citizen bless their country?"
2871 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
2872 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
2873 "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
2874 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
2876 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2877 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2878 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2879 Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2880 enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2881 sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2882 custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2883 freedom and games to the network...
2886 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2887 by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2888 the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2889 case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2890 which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2891 like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2892 require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2893 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2895 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2896 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2897 because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2899 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2900 there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2901 duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2902 of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2903 you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2904 and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2905 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2906 to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2907 response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2908 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2909 have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2910 different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2911 person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2912 remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2913 religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2914 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2916 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
2917 primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
2918 of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
2919 arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
2920 completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
2921 once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
2922 subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
2924 -- Friedrich Nietzsche, "The Birth of Tragedy"
2926 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2927 for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2928 change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2929 ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2930 after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2931 starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2932 a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2933 his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2934 he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2936 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2937 a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2938 parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2939 to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2940 As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2941 the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2942 "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2944 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2945 balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2946 turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2947 need to find out where we are."
2948 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2949 cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2950 standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2952 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2953 fifty feet in the air!"
2954 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2955 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2956 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2959 That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2960 George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2961 New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2963 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2964 everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2965 was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2966 cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2967 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2968 really needed in the first place.
2969 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2970 analogous to the above.
2971 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2973 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2974 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2975 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2976 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2977 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2978 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2979 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2981 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2985 "It means summon's in trouble."
2986 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
2988 "It's today!" said Piglet.
2989 "My favorite day," said Pooh.
2991 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2992 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2993 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2994 when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2995 Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2996 it always me, teacher?"
2997 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
3000 -- being told in Poland, 1987
3002 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
3003 her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
3004 the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
3005 way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
3006 begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
3007 stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
3008 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
3009 the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
3010 mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
3011 wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
3012 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
3013 can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
3014 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
3015 the dining room skylight."
3017 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
3018 lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
3019 getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
3020 the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
3021 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
3022 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
3023 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
3024 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
3025 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
3026 They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
3030 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
3031 tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
3032 and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
3033 outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
3034 caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
3035 day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
3036 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
3037 What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
3038 start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
3039 Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
3040 class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
3041 movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
3042 police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
3043 home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
3044 now. They're in a band.
3047 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
3048 Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
3049 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
3050 dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
3051 dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
3052 away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
3053 the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
3054 other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
3055 out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
3056 back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
3057 forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
3058 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
3060 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
3061 into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
3062 galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
3063 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
3064 eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
3065 rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
3066 the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
3067 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
3068 guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
3069 the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
3070 smacked his lips with relish.
3071 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
3072 "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
3077 My love is like an iron wand
3078 That conks me on the head,
3079 My love is like the valium
3080 That I take before my bed,
3081 My love is like the pint of scotch
3082 That I drink when I be dry;
3083 And I shall love thee still, my dear,
3084 Until my wife is wise.
3086 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
3088 "I said `intellectual'."
3091 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
3092 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
3095 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
3098 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
3100 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all
3101 the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
3102 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
3105 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
3106 approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
3107 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
3108 to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
3109 All I have in the world is this gun."
3111 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
3112 Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
3113 company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
3114 defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
3115 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
3116 plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
3117 cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
3118 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
3120 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
3121 Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
3122 pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
3123 military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
3124 Esther and hustle them off to prison.
3125 They can't prove who they are because they've left their
3126 passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
3127 and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
3128 movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
3129 charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
3130 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
3131 they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
3132 if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
3133 her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
3134 possible, and turns to Murray.
3135 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
3136 spits in the sergeants face.
3137 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
3138 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
3140 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
3141 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
3142 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
3143 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
3144 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
3145 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
3146 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
3147 and Knights of Pithiests.
3148 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
3149 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
3150 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
3151 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
3152 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
3153 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
3154 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
3155 embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
3156 looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
3157 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
3158 So we're going back in a few years...
3161 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
3162 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
3164 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
3165 even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
3166 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
3167 robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
3168 an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
3169 the alter of human limitations.
3170 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
3171 in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
3172 the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
3173 threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
3174 stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
3175 earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
3176 Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
3177 earth really does revolve about the sun.
3178 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
3180 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
3181 a girl should not do before twenty."
3182 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
3185 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
3186 you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
3187 oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
3188 cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
3189 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
3190 the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
3191 repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
3193 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
3194 of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
3195 it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
3196 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
3197 therapy ask if people have had therapy.
3198 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
3199 Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
3200 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
3202 NEW YORK -- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
3203 directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
3204 Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
3205 offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
3206 true value of the company.
3207 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
3208 Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
3209 agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
3210 their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
3211 reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
3212 reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
3215 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
3216 simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
3217 hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
3218 really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
3219 expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
3220 those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
3222 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
3223 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
3225 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
3226 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
3227 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
3228 "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
3229 born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
3230 program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
3231 stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
3232 a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
3233 times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
3234 *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
3235 program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
3236 the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
3237 stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
3238 hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
3239 "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
3241 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
3242 tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
3243 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
3244 plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
3245 they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
3246 Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
3247 administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
3248 you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
3249 described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
3250 interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
3251 that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
3252 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
3253 inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
3254 so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
3255 if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
3257 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3259 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
3260 to be avoided than harped upon.
3261 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
3262 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
3263 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
3264 about helping to postpone this reunion.
3265 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
3267 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
3268 of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
3269 urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
3270 put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
3272 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
3275 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
3276 demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
3277 testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
3278 and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
3279 no attention to the signal.
3280 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
3281 complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
3282 "I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
3283 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
3284 lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
3286 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
3287 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
3288 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
3289 $283 on the desk before the cashier.
3290 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
3291 route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
3292 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
3293 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
3294 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
3296 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
3297 around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
3298 grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
3299 almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
3300 found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
3301 desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
3302 staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
3303 Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
3304 sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
3305 being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
3306 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
3307 wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
3308 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
3309 dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
3312 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
3313 to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
3314 There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
3315 alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
3316 dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
3318 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
3319 the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
3320 to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
3322 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
3323 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
3325 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
3326 There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
3327 is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
3328 non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
3329 several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
3330 best, write it down and make that the standard.
3331 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
3332 from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
3333 committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
3334 with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
3335 something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
3336 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
3337 then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
3338 it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
3339 after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
3340 committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
3341 it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
3342 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
3344 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
3345 tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
3346 they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
3347 it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
3348 at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
3349 heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
3350 "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
3351 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
3352 she looked like the side of a barn.
3353 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
3354 had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
3355 and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
3356 when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
3357 to decide quickly. I decided.
3358 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
3359 man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me
3360 faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
3361 me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
3362 good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
3363 the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
3364 a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
3365 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
3367 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
3368 special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
3369 traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
3370 traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
3371 see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
3372 spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
3373 week, until it led them to a parking space.
3374 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
3375 let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
3376 will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
3377 great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
3378 our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
3379 to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
3380 which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
3381 shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
3382 go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
3383 and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
3384 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
3387 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
3388 crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
3389 and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
3390 resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
3391 said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
3392 let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
3393 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
3394 you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
3395 die quicker than boredom!"
3396 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
3397 once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
3398 as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
3399 bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
3400 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
3401 a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
3402 to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
3403 Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
3404 Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
3405 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
3406 rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
3409 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
3410 time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
3411 in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
3412 dolphins live forever!
3413 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
3414 produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
3415 only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
3416 away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
3417 steal one of these birds.
3418 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
3419 escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
3420 combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
3421 on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
3422 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
3423 bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
3424 stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
3425 car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
3426 transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
3428 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
3429 through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
3430 on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
3431 frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
3432 I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
3433 a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
3434 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
3435 help you break such a spell."
3436 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
3437 taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
3438 the night under her pillow."
3439 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
3440 pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
3441 enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
3442 royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
3443 her father and mother still don't believe her story.
3445 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
3446 One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
3447 biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
3448 until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
3449 of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
3450 with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
3451 accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
3452 snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
3453 "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
3454 simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
3455 fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
3456 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
3457 boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
3458 plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
3459 heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
3460 went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
3461 his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
3462 was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
3463 the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
3464 he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
3465 his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
3467 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
3468 to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
3469 and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
3470 like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
3471 is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
3472 is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
3473 And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
3474 a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
3475 perception of the elephant.
3476 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
3477 attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
3478 bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
3479 goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
3480 them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
3482 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
3483 in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
3484 who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
3485 and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
3486 win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
3487 way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
3488 each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
3489 not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
3490 in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
3491 they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
3492 treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
3493 thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
3494 answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
3496 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
3497 of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
3498 complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
3499 obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
3500 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
3501 available to anyone.
3502 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
3504 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
3505 a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
3507 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
3508 student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
3511 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
3512 an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
3513 went to speak with him.
3514 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
3516 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3517 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3518 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3520 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3521 he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3522 I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3523 things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3524 them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3525 so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3527 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3529 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3530 saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3531 lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3532 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3534 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3535 and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3536 people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3537 stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3538 wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3539 "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3540 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3541 meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3542 happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3543 again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3544 one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3545 losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3546 could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3547 and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3548 what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3549 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3550 and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3551 passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3552 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3555 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3556 directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3557 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3558 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3559 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3560 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3562 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3563 Back came the reply...
3564 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3565 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3566 "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3567 Back came the reply...
3568 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3569 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3571 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3572 is our support for UNIX?
3573 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3574 Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3575 VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3576 easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3577 users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3578 And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3579 good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3580 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3581 out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3582 up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3583 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3584 check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3585 what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3586 you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3587 is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3588 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3589 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3592 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
3593 enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
3594 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
3595 years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
3596 Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
3597 language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
3598 students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
3599 interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
3600 its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
3601 VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3602 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
3603 run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
3604 will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3605 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
3606 quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
3607 VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
3608 documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
3609 difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
3610 is that it's all there.
3611 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
3614 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3615 Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3616 to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3617 on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3618 "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3621 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3622 Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3623 affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3624 which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3625 diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3626 to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3627 be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3630 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3632 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3633 town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3634 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3635 stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3636 Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3638 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3639 loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3640 husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3641 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3642 Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3643 never reveal our sauce."
3644 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3645 kept favoring curry.
3646 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3647 game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3649 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3650 these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3652 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3653 misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3654 swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3655 respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3656 enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3657 the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3658 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3659 version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3660 "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3661 able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3662 call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3663 youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3665 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3666 sounding a bit worried.
3667 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3668 is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3669 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3671 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3672 Cobb said, hopping out.
3673 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3675 Phases of a Project:
3679 (4) Search for the Guilty.
3680 (5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3681 (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3683 Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt
3684 snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one
3685 reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives.
3686 We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were.
3687 But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours.
3688 If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator,
3689 well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment,
3690 everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't
3691 know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_.
3692 -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In"
3694 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
3695 requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
3696 into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
3697 problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
3698 radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
3700 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
3701 except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
3702 it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
3703 and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
3704 all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
3706 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3708 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3709 the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3710 ran like a gentle wind.
3711 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3712 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3713 follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3714 would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3715 longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3716 My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3717 free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3718 writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3719 coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3720 and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3721 program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3722 eyes for a moment and then log off."
3723 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3724 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3726 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
3733 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
3734 universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
3735 know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
3736 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
3737 starfield surrounding the ship.
3738 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
3739 ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
3740 they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
3741 been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
3742 and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
3743 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
3744 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
3746 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3747 Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3748 and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3749 every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3750 getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3751 me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3752 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3753 to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3754 No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3755 maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3756 the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3757 whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3758 possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3759 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
3760 On the Campaign Trail"
3762 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3763 what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3764 somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3765 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3766 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3767 if they don't live our way."
3769 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3770 happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3771 ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3772 Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3773 his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3774 decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3775 through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3776 in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3777 "When you look at it that way..."
3778 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3779 Whatever. We want. To do."
3780 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3782 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3783 uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3784 rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3785 algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3786 of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3787 claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3788 differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3789 largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3790 he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3792 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
3794 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3795 their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3796 generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3798 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3799 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3800 shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3801 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3802 advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3803 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3804 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3805 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3813 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3814 "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3815 them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3816 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3817 Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3818 That way you'll get it out of your system."
3819 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3820 inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3821 time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3822 several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3824 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3825 Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3826 barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3827 Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3829 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3830 prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3831 here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3832 psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3833 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3834 hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3836 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3837 afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3838 the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3839 long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3840 removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3841 Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3842 Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3843 nice gesture you made today, George.
3844 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3845 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3846 respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3847 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3850 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
3851 "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
3852 said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3853 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3854 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3855 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3856 she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3857 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3858 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3860 "Through the Looking-Glass,
3861 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
3863 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3864 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3865 Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3866 the odd integers are prime."
3867 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3868 sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3869 experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3870 prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3871 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3872 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3873 "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3874 see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3875 well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3877 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3878 "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3879 I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3880 his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3881 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3883 She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing."
3884 I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano."
3887 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3888 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3889 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3891 "What's he wanted for?"
3894 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
3895 Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
3896 automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
3897 in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
3898 He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
3899 published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
3900 had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
3901 provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
3902 Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
3905 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
3906 With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
3907 maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
3908 corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
3909 flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
3910 it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
3911 I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
3912 the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
3913 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
3914 I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
3915 heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
3916 unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
3917 up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
3918 opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
3919 our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
3920 the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
3921 cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
3922 these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
3923 into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3924 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3926 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
3927 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
3928 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
3930 "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
3931 -- Dating in Minnesota
3933 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3934 haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3935 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3936 the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3937 stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3938 may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3939 Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3940 theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3941 butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3942 disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3943 per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3944 when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3945 the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3946 People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3947 much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3948 Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3949 by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3950 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3951 This is the Minneapple.
3953 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3954 alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3955 the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3957 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3958 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3959 greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3960 harmony in the world.
3961 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3963 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3965 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3966 on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3967 Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3968 employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3969 farmers in America."
3970 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3972 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
3973 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
3974 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
3975 women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
3976 good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
3977 Machineries of Joy?"
3978 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
3979 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
3981 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3983 Bottle 750 milliliters
3984 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3986 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3987 Methuselah 8 bottles
3988 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3989 Balthazar 16 bottles
3990 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3991 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3993 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3994 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3995 to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3996 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3998 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3999 these questions three, ere the other side he see!
4001 "What is your name?"
4002 "Sir Brian of Bell."
4003 "What is your quest?"
4004 "I seek the Holy Grail."
4005 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
4006 to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
4007 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
4009 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
4010 Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
4011 never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
4012 and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
4013 run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
4014 Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
4015 strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
4016 were doing was right, that we were winning...
4017 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
4018 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
4019 need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
4020 -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
4021 of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
4022 up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
4023 you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
4024 broke and rolled back.
4025 -- Hunter S. Thompson
4027 "Surely you can't be serious."
4028 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
4030 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
4031 to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
4032 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
4033 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
4034 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
4035 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
4036 was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
4038 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
4040 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
4041 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
4042 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
4043 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
4044 she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
4046 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
4048 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
4049 they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
4050 -- e. e. cummings last service call
4052 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
4053 and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
4054 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
4055 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
4056 you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
4057 honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
4058 it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
4059 the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
4060 tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
4061 is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
4062 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
4064 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
4065 for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
4066 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
4067 has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
4068 curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
4069 foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
4070 sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
4071 dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
4072 people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
4073 is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
4075 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
4076 in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
4077 laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
4078 got a sense of humor?"
4079 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
4081 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
4082 "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
4083 in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
4084 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
4085 but not much good in a fight."
4087 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
4088 a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
4089 his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
4090 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
4091 please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
4092 sees nothing but goyim..."
4093 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
4094 you got problems. What about my son?"
4096 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
4097 physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
4098 "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
4100 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
4103 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
4105 SPECIES: Cranial Males
4106 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
4108 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
4109 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
4110 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
4111 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
4112 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
4114 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
4115 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
4117 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
4119 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
4121 SPECIES: Cranial Males
4122 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
4124 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
4125 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
4126 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
4127 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
4128 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
4130 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
4131 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
4133 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
4135 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
4137 SPECIES: Cranial Males
4138 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
4140 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
4141 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
4142 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
4143 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
4144 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
4145 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
4146 plastic digital watch with calculator.
4148 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
4149 As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
4151 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
4152 -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
4154 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
4155 inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
4156 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
4157 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
4158 he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
4159 Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
4161 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
4162 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
4163 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
4164 chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
4165 mix-up. Nothing serious."
4166 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
4167 mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
4168 coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
4169 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
4171 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
4172 the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
4173 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
4174 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
4176 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
4178 On the good ship Enterprise
4179 Every week there's a new surprise
4180 Where the Romulans lurk
4181 And the Klingons often go berserk.
4183 Yes, the good ship Enterprise
4184 There's excitement anywhere it flies
4186 And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
4188 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
4189 Mr. Spock is at his side.
4190 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
4191 It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
4193 It's the good ship Enterprise
4194 Heading out where danger lies
4195 And you live in dread
4196 If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
4197 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
4199 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
4200 the subject of towels.
4201 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
4202 interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
4203 You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
4204 of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
4205 of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
4206 Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
4207 with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
4208 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4210 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
4211 the subject of towels.
4212 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
4213 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
4214 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
4215 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
4216 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
4217 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
4218 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
4219 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
4221 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4223 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
4224 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
4225 branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
4226 wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
4227 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
4228 horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
4229 Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
4230 "That's two," he said.
4231 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
4232 crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
4233 off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
4234 shot the horse between the eyes.
4235 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
4236 married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
4237 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
4239 "The jig's up, Elman."
4243 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
4245 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
4246 Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
4247 Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
4248 with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
4249 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
4250 a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
4251 they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
4252 the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
4254 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
4256 This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
4257 an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
4258 to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
4260 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL
4262 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
4263 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
4264 compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
4265 coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
4266 sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
4267 compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
4268 infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
4270 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE
4272 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
4273 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
4274 are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
4275 SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
4278 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-
4280 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
4281 submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
4282 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
4283 language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
4284 statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
4287 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
4289 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
4290 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
4291 JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
4292 BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
4293 CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
4295 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
4296 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
4297 VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH,
4298 THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated
4299 FORTH programmers who end up using this language.
4301 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18c: DOGO
4303 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
4304 DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
4305 SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
4306 graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
4307 it travels across the screen.
4309 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
4311 Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
4312 Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
4313 language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
4314 and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
4315 spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
4318 The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
4319 almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
4320 organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
4323 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
4324 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
4325 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
4327 Here is a sample program:
4328 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
4329 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
4330 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
4331 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
4333 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
4335 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
4337 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
4341 When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
4343 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
4345 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
4347 This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
4348 Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
4349 the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
4351 The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
4352 while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
4353 because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
4356 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
4357 and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
4358 case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
4360 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
4361 you find the time to try it again?"
4363 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
4364 a position of negative need.
4365 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
4366 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
4368 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
4369 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
4370 prestige of His identity.
4371 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
4372 ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
4373 sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
4374 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
4375 into a pleasurific mood state.
4376 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
4377 in the context of non-cooperative elements.
4378 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
4379 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
4380 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
4381 empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
4382 target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
4383 tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
4386 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
4387 master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
4388 master's office while the master waited in silence.
4389 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
4390 began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
4391 system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
4392 interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
4394 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
4396 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
4397 everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
4399 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
4400 data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
4402 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
4403 programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
4404 you know where it might be?"
4405 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
4406 in the data center."
4407 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4409 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
4410 emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
4412 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
4413 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
4414 right! Can I have a dollar?"
4416 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
4417 change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
4418 is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
4419 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4421 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
4422 students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
4424 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
4425 recognition of the sanctity of human life."
4427 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
4428 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
4429 "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
4430 farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
4432 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
4433 Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
4434 probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
4436 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
4437 logically experienced citizens."
4439 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
4440 just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
4441 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
4443 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
4444 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
4446 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
4447 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
4449 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
4450 Alice corrected herself.
4451 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
4452 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
4453 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
4454 time completely bewildered.
4455 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
4456 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
4458 "Through the Looking-Glass,
4459 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
4461 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
4462 You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
4463 old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
4464 grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
4465 bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
4466 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
4468 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
4469 Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
4470 large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
4471 it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
4472 apparatus for a spectator sport.
4474 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
4475 castrating pigs during Sunday service.
4476 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4478 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
4479 I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
4480 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
4481 Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
4482 out on the water, round. Usurper.
4483 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
4485 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
4487 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
4488 problems in order to get results.
4489 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
4490 toy problems in order to get results.
4492 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
4493 their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
4494 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
4495 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
4496 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
4497 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
4498 The answer exists only in the Tao.
4499 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4501 "The pyramid is opening!"
4503 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
4504 -- The Firesign Theatre,
4505 "How Can You Be In Two Places At
4506 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
4508 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
4509 forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
4510 their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
4511 to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
4512 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
4513 on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
4514 got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
4515 hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
4516 most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
4517 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
4518 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
4519 suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
4520 through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
4521 and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
4522 one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
4524 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
4526 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
4528 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
4529 expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
4531 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
4532 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4534 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
4535 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
4537 A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
4538 should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
4539 take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
4540 of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
4541 statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
4542 of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
4543 only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
4545 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
4546 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
4547 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
4548 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
4550 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
4552 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
4553 programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
4554 is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
4556 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
4557 retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
4559 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4563 The wombat lives across the seas,
4564 Among the far Antipodes.
4565 He may exist on nuts and berries,
4566 Or then again, on missionaries;
4567 His distant habitat precludes
4568 Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
4569 But I would not engage the wombat
4570 In any form of mortal combat.
4572 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
4573 stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
4574 his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
4575 to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
4576 wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
4577 Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
4578 of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
4579 line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
4580 he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
4581 was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
4582 he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
4583 to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
4584 for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
4585 As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
4586 Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
4589 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
4590 it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
4591 the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
4592 With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
4593 make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
4594 when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
4595 him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
4596 with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
4597 THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
4598 TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
4599 has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
4600 Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
4601 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
4603 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
4604 with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
4605 sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
4607 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
4608 problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
4609 headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
4610 gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
4611 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
4615 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
4616 wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
4617 hard, to keep from falling.
4618 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
4619 his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
4621 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
4622 are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
4623 heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
4624 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
4626 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
4627 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
4632 Into love and out again,
4633 Thus I went and thus I go.
4634 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
4635 Well and bitterly I know
4636 All the songs were ever sung,
4637 All the words were ever said;
4638 Could it be, when I was young,
4639 Someone dropped me on my head?
4642 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
4643 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
4644 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
4645 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
4646 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
4648 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
4649 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _
\by_
\bo_
\bu
4650 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
4651 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
4652 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
4653 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
4654 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
4655 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4657 There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are
4658 sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts
4659 that people cannot think.
4660 -- Richard W. Hamming
4662 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
4663 he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
4664 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
4665 forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
4666 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
4667 of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
4668 But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
4669 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
4670 but nothing was to be found.
4671 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
4672 guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
4673 better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
4674 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
4675 curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
4676 in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
4677 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
4678 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4680 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
4681 A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
4682 programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
4683 master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
4684 appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
4685 understand the Tao before transcending structure."
4686 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4688 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
4689 day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
4690 of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
4691 change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
4692 whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
4694 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
4695 going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
4696 a man who answered one door.
4697 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
4699 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
4700 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
4701 "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
4702 "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
4704 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
4705 you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
4706 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
4707 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
4708 they're carrying upstairs!"
4710 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
4711 three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4712 each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4714 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4715 cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4716 pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4718 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4719 off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4720 pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4721 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4722 solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly
4723 against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4724 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4725 Proof: assume the opposite...
4727 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4728 warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4729 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4730 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4731 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4732 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4734 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4735 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4736 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4737 tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4738 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4739 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4740 is easier to design."
4741 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4742 he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4743 The programmer made no reply.
4744 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4746 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4747 how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4748 "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4749 share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4750 easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4751 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4752 friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4753 midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4754 of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4755 as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4756 like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4757 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4758 two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4759 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4761 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4762 drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4763 pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4764 demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4765 sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4766 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4767 No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4768 ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae
4769 was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4770 beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4771 things was itself the doing of them.
4772 To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4773 so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4774 greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4775 and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4776 sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4777 of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4778 spread only for demons or for gods."
4779 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4781 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
4782 parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
4783 being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
4784 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
4785 Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
4786 whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
4787 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
4788 about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
4789 country. We're completely computerized.
4790 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
4791 leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
4792 real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
4793 country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
4794 look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
4795 yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
4796 I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
4797 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
4798 He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
4799 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
4800 we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
4801 your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
4802 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
4804 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4805 explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4806 use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4807 and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4808 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4809 pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since
4810 we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4811 making anything out of all the hard work.
4812 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4813 around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4814 attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4815 locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4816 -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow
4818 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
4819 rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
4821 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
4822 it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
4823 sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
4824 consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
4825 being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
4826 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
4827 do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
4828 honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
4829 be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
4830 relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
4831 Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
4832 This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
4833 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
4834 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
4835 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
4837 To A Quick Young Fox:
4838 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4839 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4840 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
4841 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4844 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4845 wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4846 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4847 food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4848 promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4849 eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4850 Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4851 pint of ice cream nearby.
4852 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4854 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4856 The other saw stars.
4858 Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4859 While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4862 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4863 ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4864 "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4865 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4866 seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4867 sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4868 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4869 an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4870 bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4871 son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4872 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4873 and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4874 was Carmen or Cohen.
4875 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4876 since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4877 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4879 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
4880 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to
4882 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
4884 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
4885 year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
4886 reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
4887 artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
4888 moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
4889 Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
4890 entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
4891 sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
4892 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4893 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
4895 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4897 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4898 Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4901 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4902 stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4903 to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4905 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4906 finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4907 are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4909 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4911 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4913 Firings will continue until morale improves.
4915 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4916 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4917 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4918 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4919 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4920 by law, up to and including nothing.
4921 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4922 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4923 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4924 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4925 attack shark at which point we relented.
4926 -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4928 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4929 and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4930 trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4931 in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4933 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4934 at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4935 Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4936 -- William Burroughs
4938 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4940 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4941 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
4942 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4943 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4944 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
4945 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4946 leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4947 and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4948 hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4949 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4950 so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4951 brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4953 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4954 you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4955 psycho-prompter couch?"
4957 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4958 your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4959 pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4961 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4962 repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4963 at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4964 your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4965 two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4966 projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4968 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4969 been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4970 explain the failure of your three marriages."
4972 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4976 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4977 of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4978 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4979 only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4980 able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4981 undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4982 inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4983 All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4984 became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4985 not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4986 meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4987 all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4988 all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4989 destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4990 Time passed, unheeded.
4991 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4992 Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4995 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4996 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4997 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4998 scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
5000 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
5001 let him lie there all night."
5002 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
5003 White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
5004 and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
5005 that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
5006 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
5007 and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
5008 around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
5009 in the street, bleeding to death...'"
5010 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
5011 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
5012 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
5013 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
5014 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
5016 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
5017 The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
5018 maim or kill innocent little children."
5019 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
5020 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
5023 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
5025 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
5026 an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
5027 "It means the Thing to Do."
5028 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
5030 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
5031 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
5032 coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
5035 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
5036 great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so
5037 good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
5038 MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
5039 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
5040 is mightier than you."
5041 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
5042 "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
5043 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
5044 stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
5045 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
5046 quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
5047 THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
5048 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
5049 him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
5050 orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
5051 The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers:
5052 "Man, you don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the
5055 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
5056 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
5057 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
5058 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
5060 The New Yorker's comment:
5061 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
5063 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
5064 "Oh, is he very old then?"
5065 "No, we just don't like him."
5066 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
5067 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
5068 great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
5069 you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
5071 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
5072 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
5073 pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
5074 of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
5077 "We've got a problem, HAL".
5078 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
5079 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
5080 way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
5081 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
5082 advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
5083 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
5084 they're not selling."
5085 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
5086 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
5088 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
5089 I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
5090 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
5091 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
5092 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
5093 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
5095 "What are we going to do?"
5096 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking
5097 for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
5098 short initiation period."
5099 -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting"
5101 "What are you watching?"
5103 "Well, what's happening?"
5104 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
5106 "Why are you watching it?"
5107 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
5111 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
5113 "You keep it to yourself."
5116 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
5118 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
5120 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
5121 chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
5122 conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
5123 repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
5124 they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
5125 passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
5126 all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
5127 and they remain permanent influences on your life.
5128 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
5129 as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
5130 less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
5131 men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
5132 more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
5133 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
5135 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
5136 didn't believe in God".
5137 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
5138 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
5139 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
5142 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
5143 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
5144 ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
5145 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
5147 "What's that thing?"
5148 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
5149 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
5150 it does. We call it a two-by-four."
5151 -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"
5153 "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the
5154 assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his
5155 whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another
5156 drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced
5157 another cheer and another round of drinks.
5158 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
5159 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
5160 the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
5162 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
5163 his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
5164 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
5166 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
5167 driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
5168 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
5169 closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
5170 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
5171 moved farther to the left."
5172 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
5174 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
5175 When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
5176 to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
5178 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
5179 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
5180 accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
5181 When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
5183 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
5184 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
5186 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
5187 "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
5188 the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
5189 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
5190 might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
5192 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
5193 that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
5194 hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
5195 to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
5196 but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
5197 seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
5198 invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
5199 sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
5200 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
5201 It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
5203 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
5205 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
5206 "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
5207 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
5208 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
5210 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
5212 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
5213 the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
5214 three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
5215 "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
5216 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
5217 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
5218 then. We're trying to catch her."
5219 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
5220 carrying a bucket of sand?"
5221 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
5223 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
5224 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
5225 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
5228 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
5229 his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
5230 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
5232 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
5233 `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
5234 a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
5235 salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
5236 machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
5237 thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
5238 had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
5239 more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
5240 acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
5241 be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
5242 were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
5243 why the sea is salt."
5244 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
5245 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
5247 Why are you doing this to me?
5248 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
5250 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
5252 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
5253 night?" demanded the irate mother.
5254 "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
5255 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
5256 movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
5257 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
5260 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
5261 vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
5262 unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
5263 the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
5266 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
5267 Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
5268 buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
5269 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
5270 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
5271 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
5272 and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
5273 "Okay. It's your wife."
5277 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
5278 his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
5285 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
5286 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
5288 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
5289 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
5290 quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
5291 and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
5292 Chips, as well as after Chips?
5294 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
5295 mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
5296 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
5297 bury it or else throw it into the brook."
5298 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
5299 do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
5300 long, and two mouses wide."
5301 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
5303 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
5307 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
5308 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
5309 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
5310 program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
5311 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
5312 there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
5313 There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
5314 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
5316 "You are *so* lovely."
5318 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
5320 "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
5321 "Sure. Whaddya got?"
5322 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
5324 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
5325 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
5326 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
5327 was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
5328 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
5330 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
5331 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
5332 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
5334 "Why, what did she tell you?"
5335 "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
5336 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5338 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
5339 any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
5340 fit to hear his view of things?"
5341 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
5342 you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
5343 imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
5344 if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
5345 potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
5346 and you may feel free to kick his ass."
5347 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
5349 "You say there are two types of people?"
5350 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
5352 "Wrong. There are three groups:
5353 Those who separate people into three groups.
5354 Those who don't separate people into groups.
5355 Those who can't decide."
5356 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
5358 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
5359 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
5361 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
5362 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
5365 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
5368 Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
5369 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
5370 really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
5372 Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
5373 to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
5374 make really big Zorkmids."
5376 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
5377 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
5379 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
5381 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
5382 week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
5383 only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
5384 Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
5385 to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
5386 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
5387 rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
5388 fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
5389 soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
5390 beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
5391 twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
5392 age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
5393 This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
5394 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
5396 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
5397 bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
5398 chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
5399 electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
5400 breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
5401 until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
5402 damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
5403 your fuses regularly.
5404 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
5405 sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
5406 often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
5407 you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
5408 sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
5409 fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
5410 electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
5411 such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
5413 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
5415 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
5416 "We wound barbed wire around them."
5418 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
5420 Youth is not a time of life--it is a state of mind. It is not a
5421 matter of red cheeks, red lips and supple knees. It is a temper of the
5422 will; a quality of the imagination; a vigor of the emotions; it is a
5423 freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a tempermental
5424 predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure
5425 over a life of ease. This often exists in a man of fifty, more than in
5426 a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years;
5427 people grow old by deserting their ideals.
5429 Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles
5430 the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair--these are the
5431 long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to
5434 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart a
5435 love of wonder; the sweet amazement at the stars and starlike things and
5436 thoughts; the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike
5437 appetite for what comes next, and the joy in the game of life.
5439 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young
5440 as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as
5441 old as your despair.
5443 In the central place of your heart there is a wireless station.
5444 So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, grandeur,
5445 courage, and power from the earth, from men and from the Infinite--so
5446 long are you young. When the wires are all down and the central places
5447 of your heart are covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of
5448 cynicism, then are you grown old, indeed!
5449 -- Samuel Ullman, "Youth" (1934), as published in
5450 The Silver Treasury, Prose and Verse for Every Mood
5467 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____
5468 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__
5469 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\
5470 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " )
5471 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
5472 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\
5473 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\
5474 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\
5475 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\
5476 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
5481 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
5482 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
5483 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
5484 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
5490 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
5492 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
5493 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
5495 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
5497 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
5498 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
5499 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
5500 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
5501 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
5503 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
5515 EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND
5516 AS ONE OF THE BROADEST
5517 GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL
5518 PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE
5519 GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES
5520 IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND
5521 IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING *
5522 IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE
5523 INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT
5530 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
5534 * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
5536 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
5537 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
5538 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
5539 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
5540 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
5542 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
5544 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
5545 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
5546 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
5547 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
5548 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
5550 -- C code which counts the bits in a word.
5552 === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5554 Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
5555 will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
5556 updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
5557 machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
5558 populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
5561 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5563 A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
5565 The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
5566 Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
5567 switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
5568 Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
5569 back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
5572 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5574 Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
5575 this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
5576 order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
5577 please communicate them by one of the following paths:
5579 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
5580 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
5581 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
5584 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
5585 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
5586 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
5588 * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
5589 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
5591 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5593 CAR and CDR now return extra values.
5595 The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
5596 to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
5597 well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
5598 destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
5600 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
5602 For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
5603 object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
5604 fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
5605 hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
5606 it cold boots the machine so often.
5608 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5610 Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
5611 INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
5612 LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
5613 done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
5614 Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
5616 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
5621 This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
5622 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
5623 This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
5624 Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him
5625 confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
5627 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5629 JCL support as alternative to system menu.
5631 In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
5632 we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
5633 alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
5634 interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
5635 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
5636 window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
5637 such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
5638 syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
5639 debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
5640 messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
5642 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5644 The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
5645 collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
5646 (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
5647 virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
5648 QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
5649 collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
5650 than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
5651 more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
5652 remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
5653 in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
5654 SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
5656 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5658 There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
5659 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
5663 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5665 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
5667 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
5670 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5672 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
5674 We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
5676 **** CONVENTION REMINDER
5678 No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
5679 Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
5680 smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
5681 carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
5682 marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
5684 **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
5686 For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
5687 Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
5688 to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
5689 beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
5690 they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
5691 Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
5692 not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
5693 all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
5696 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
5698 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
5699 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
5700 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
5701 second per second takes over.
5702 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
5703 intervenes suddenly.
5704 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
5705 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
5706 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
5707 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
5709 III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
5710 conforming to its perimeter.
5711 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
5712 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
5713 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
5714 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
5715 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
5716 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5718 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
5719 2. The Nutcracker Swede
5720 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
5722 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
5723 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5726 9. Santa's Magic Lap
5727 10. Hot Buttered Elves
5728 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
5731 ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
5732 have turned into a pile of dust.
5734 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
5735 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
5738 ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
5739 were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
5740 a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
5741 Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
5742 and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
5743 that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
5744 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
5746 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5747 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
5748 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
5749 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5750 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5751 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5752 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5753 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5754 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
5755 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5757 =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
5759 To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
5760 course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
5761 offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
5762 afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
5763 to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
5764 there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
5766 ... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
5767 products, if they are built at all, are dogs!
5768 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
5771 ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
5772 programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
5773 down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
5774 behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
5775 never when standing.
5777 Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
5778 know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
5779 know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
5780 hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static
5781 electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
5782 An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
5783 the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
5784 touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
5785 astray by hunting and pecking.
5786 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
5787 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
5789 "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
5793 ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
5795 ... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
5797 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5799 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
5800 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
5801 ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
5802 haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5803 it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5804 prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5805 looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5806 is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5807 mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5808 may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5809 have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5810 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5812 ... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
5813 my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any
5814 resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The
5815 question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them
5816 is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of
5817 the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A
5818 discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope
5821 ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
5822 easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
5823 and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
5824 upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
5825 without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
5826 on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
5827 was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
5828 sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
5829 human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
5830 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5832 ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
5833 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
5834 we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
5835 that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
5836 of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
5837 example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
5838 makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
5839 whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
5840 finite or an infinite number.
5841 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
5843 ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
5846 ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5847 objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5848 public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5849 public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5850 parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5851 are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5852 the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5853 other's private parts.
5854 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5856 ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5857 civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5859 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
5861 ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *_
\bd_
\bi_
\bd* quote anybody in this
5862 business, it probably would be gibberish.
5865 ... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
5866 perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5867 attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5868 introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5869 yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5870 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5872 <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5874 ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5875 "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5876 words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5877 He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5878 them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5879 Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5880 knows them in the naming.
5881 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5887 "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
5888 supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
5889 actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
5890 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
5893 ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
5894 the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
5895 asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
5896 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
5898 ... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does
5899 on lust, this would be a better world.
5900 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
5902 ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
5905 **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5907 Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5908 erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5909 Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5910 Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5911 valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5912 in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5913 as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5914 time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5915 of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5916 space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5917 validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5918 extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5919 or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5921 ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5922 intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5923 to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5924 at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5926 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5928 ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
5929 smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
5930 not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
5933 >>> Internal error in fortune program:
5934 >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5935 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5937 : is not an identifier
5939 ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5940 sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5941 words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5942 superficial design flaws.
5943 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5944 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
5946 ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5947 existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5948 systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5949 hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5952 ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5953 found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5956 ... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5957 What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?
5960 ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
5961 legally ... impeccable!
5963 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5964 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5965 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5966 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5967 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic
5968 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5969 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5970 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5971 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
5972 of a lucrative nature.
5973 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5974 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
5976 ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5980 Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5981 skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5982 than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5984 *
\a\a\a** NEWSFLASH ***
5985 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
5988 ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
5989 get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
5990 the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
5991 on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
5992 children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
5993 snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
5994 to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
5995 a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
5996 outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
5997 he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
5998 Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
5999 Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
6000 kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
6001 children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
6003 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
6005 ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
6006 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
6007 shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
6008 advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
6009 shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
6010 them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
6011 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
6013 ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
6014 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
6018 ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
6019 Connell, Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
6020 thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
6021 somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
6022 on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
6023 a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
6024 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
6026 ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
6027 downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
6028 awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
6029 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
6030 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
6032 -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
6033 -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
6034 -- Surveillance should precede saltation.
6035 -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
6036 -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
6038 -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
6039 -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
6040 canine with innovative maneuvers.
6041 -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
6042 -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
6043 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
6045 ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
6046 who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
6047 and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
6048 and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
6049 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
6051 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
6052 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
6053 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
6054 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
6055 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
6056 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
6057 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
6058 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
6059 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
6060 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
6061 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
6062 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
6063 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
6064 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
6065 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
6067 ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
6069 It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
6070 in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
6071 sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
6072 we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
6073 "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
6074 wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
6075 IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
6076 about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
6077 forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
6078 rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
6079 succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
6080 in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
6081 underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
6082 of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
6083 IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
6084 discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
6086 -- THE BATES MOTEL --
6091 Norman, knock loudly,
6096 ... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...
6099 ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
6101 ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
6102 other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
6103 charity we can only call "inhuman."
6106 -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
6107 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
6108 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
6109 materials, there is conflagration.
6110 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
6111 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
6112 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
6113 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
6114 optimal cachinnation.
6115 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
6117 ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
6118 have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
6119 or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
6120 layers that are going to be agreed upon.
6121 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
6123 ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
6124 thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
6125 biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
6126 cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
6128 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
6130 ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
6131 million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
6132 -- The Firesign Theatre
6134 ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
6135 from beginning to end.
6136 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
6139 e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
6141 * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
6143 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
6144 entrances; others cannot.
6145 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
6146 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
6147 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
6148 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
6149 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
6151 VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
6152 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
6153 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
6154 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
6155 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
6156 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
6157 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
6158 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
6159 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
6160 watching it happen to a duck instead.
6161 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
6162 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
6163 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
6167 ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
6168 observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
6169 years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
6170 descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
6171 do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
6172 flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
6173 things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
6174 established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
6175 to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
6176 cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
6178 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
6179 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
6181 ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
6182 has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
6183 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
6185 ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
6186 Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
6187 piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
6188 wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
6189 right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
6190 poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
6191 hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
6192 to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
6193 anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
6194 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
6195 barely able to walk.
6196 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
6197 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
6198 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
6199 "The good news first!"
6200 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
6201 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
6202 The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
6203 the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
6206 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
6208 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
6209 2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
6210 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
6212 QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
6213 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
6215 (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
6216 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
6217 (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
6218 Wash the windows once a week.
6219 (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
6220 coal for the day's business.
6221 (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
6223 (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
6224 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
6225 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
6226 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
6227 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6230 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
6232 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
6233 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
6234 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
6235 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
6236 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
6237 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
6238 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
6239 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
6240 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
6241 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
6242 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
6244 (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
6245 (2) Great generals are forewarned.
6246 (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
6247 (4) Four is an even number.
6248 (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
6249 (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
6250 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
6252 (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
6253 (2) Great generals are forewarned.
6254 (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
6255 (4) Four is an even number.
6256 (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
6257 (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
6258 Therefore, all horses are black.
6260 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
6261 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
6262 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
6263 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
6264 the social ramble ain't restful.
6265 5. Avoid running at all times.
6266 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
6267 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
6269 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
6270 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
6272 Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
6273 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
6274 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
6275 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
6276 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
6277 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
6278 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
6279 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
6280 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
6281 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
6282 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
6283 Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
6284 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
6285 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
6286 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
6287 Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
6288 to 1 meter per second
6289 One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
6290 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
6291 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
6292 1 Word = 1 Millipicture
6293 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
6294 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
6295 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
6296 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
6297 The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
6301 (1) Everything depends.
6302 (2) Nothing is always.
6303 (3) Everything is sometimes.
6305 1) Never draw what you can copy.
6306 2) Never copy what you can trace.
6307 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
6309 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
6310 you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
6311 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
6312 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
6314 1: No code table for op: ++post
6317 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
6318 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
6319 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
6320 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
6321 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
6322 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
6323 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
6325 10. Not everybody looks good naked.
6326 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
6327 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
6328 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
6329 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
6330 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
6331 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
6332 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
6333 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
6334 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
6336 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock"
6338 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
6340 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
6341 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
6342 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
6343 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
6344 other beers on the side.
6345 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of
6347 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
6348 folk music on yer fave radio station.
6349 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
6350 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
6352 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
6353 enormous can of vegetable juice.
6354 10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
6356 100 buckets of bits on the bus
6358 Take one down, short it to ground
6359 FF buckets of bits on the bus
6361 FF buckets of bits on the bus
6363 Take one down, short it to ground
6364 FE buckets of bits on the bus
6368 $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
6369 which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
6370 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
6372 $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
6373 increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
6374 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6376 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
6378 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
6379 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
6383 (5) Self-piercing earrings
6386 (8) Prosthetic dog claws
6390 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
6396 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
6399 1/2 oz. orange juice
6402 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
6403 Long Island Iced Tea
6407 17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
6409 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
6410 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
6411 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
6412 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
6413 ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
6414 --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
6416 Nine in the second place means:
6417 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
6419 Six in the third place means:
6420 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
6421 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
6423 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
6426 17th Rule of Friendship:
6428 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
6429 of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
6431 -- Esquire, May 1977
6433 186,282 miles per second:
6434 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
6436 1893 The ideal brain tonic
6437 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
6439 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
6440 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
6441 1906 The drink of QUALITY
6442 1907 Good to the last drop
6443 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
6444 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
6445 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
6446 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
6447 1919 It satisfies thirst
6448 1919 The taste is the test
6449 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
6450 1922 Thirst knows no season
6451 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
6452 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6454 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
6455 1929 The high sign of refreshment
6456 1929 The pause that refreshes
6457 1930 It had to be good to get where it is
6458 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
6459 1935 The pause that brings friends together
6460 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
6461 1938 The best friend thirst ever had
6462 1939 Thirst stops here
6463 1942 It's the real thing
6465 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
6466 1963 Things go better with Coke
6467 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
6468 1979 Have a Coke and a smile
6470 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6472 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
6474 2nd graffitiest: Why?
6476 2180, U.S. History question:
6477 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
6478 office did he later hold?
6480 3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie
6481 process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
6482 traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
6484 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
6489 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
6491 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
6492 and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
6493 that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
6494 adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
6495 tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
6497 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
6499 3rd Law of Computing:
6500 Anything that can go wr
6501 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
6503 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
6505 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
6507 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
6508 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
6509 tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
6510 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
6511 Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
6512 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
6513 has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
6514 Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
6515 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
6517 (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
6518 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
6519 (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
6520 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
6521 and other good books.
6522 (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
6523 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
6524 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
6525 (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
6526 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
6527 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
6528 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
6529 (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
6530 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
6531 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
6533 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6541 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6542 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
6545 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6546 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
6547 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
6549 90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
6550 The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
6552 94% of the women in America are beautiful
6553 and the rest hang out around here.
6555 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
6557 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6558 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
6560 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
6562 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6563 101 blocks of crud on the disk!
6565 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
6566 at one end and no responsibility at the other.
6568 A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
6571 A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
6573 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
6574 who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
6577 A bachelor is an unaltared male.
6579 A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
6583 A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
6584 the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
6586 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
6587 ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
6590 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
6591 and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
6594 A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
6597 A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
6598 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6600 A beer delayed is a beer denied.
6602 A beginning is the time for taking the
6603 most delicate care that balances are correct.
6604 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
6606 A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
6607 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
6609 A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
6610 A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
6611 A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
6612 A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
6614 A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
6615 a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
6616 jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
6618 The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
6619 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
6620 The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
6621 there's one white zebra."
6622 The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
6624 The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
6626 A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
6628 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
6631 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
6633 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
6639 A black cat crossing your path signifies
6640 that the animal is going somewhere.
6643 A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
6644 best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
6645 serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
6646 schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
6647 work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
6648 not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
6649 elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
6650 stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
6651 supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
6652 professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
6653 academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
6654 and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
6655 resource centers along the roads.
6656 -- The Underground Grammarian
6658 A bore is a man who talks so much about
6659 himself that you can't talk about yourself.
6661 A bore is someone who persists in holding his
6662 own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
6664 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
6666 A box without hinges, key, or lid,
6667 Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
6670 A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
6671 of turning around three times before lying down.
6674 A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
6677 A budget is just a method of worrying
6678 before you spend money, as well as afterward.
6680 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
6682 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
6684 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
6685 hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
6686 drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
6687 found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
6688 got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
6689 experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
6690 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
6691 got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
6692 friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
6693 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
6694 pole in a complex plane."
6696 A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
6697 The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
6698 Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
6699 And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
6700 -- Robert W. Service
6702 A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
6703 is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
6705 A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
6708 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
6709 and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
6711 A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
6712 to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
6713 and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
6714 examine him about his recent diet.
6715 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
6717 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
6718 Tell me a bit about this missionary."
6719 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
6720 walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
6721 him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
6722 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
6723 the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
6725 A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
6727 A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
6728 on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
6729 and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
6730 with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
6731 until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
6732 and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
6733 spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
6735 A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
6736 does not prove anything.
6737 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
6739 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
6741 A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
6742 Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
6744 A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
6745 had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
6746 various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
6747 invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
6748 and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
6749 asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
6750 between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
6751 string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
6754 From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
6755 string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
6756 who passed it on to theirs.
6758 A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
6759 time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
6760 evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
6761 the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
6762 the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
6763 much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
6764 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
6765 The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
6766 after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
6767 to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
6768 silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
6769 go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
6770 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
6771 the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
6773 A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
6774 a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
6775 with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
6777 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
6778 desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
6780 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
6782 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
6785 A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
6787 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not
6788 mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
6789 trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
6792 A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
6794 A chronic disposition to inquiry
6795 deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
6797 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
6798 will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
6800 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
6801 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
6804 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
6807 A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
6809 A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
6811 -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester,
6812 "The Disappearance of Literature"
6814 A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
6816 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
6818 A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
6819 a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
6820 sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
6821 know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
6822 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
6824 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6826 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
6827 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
6828 valuable scientific objectivity.
6830 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
6831 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
6832 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
6834 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
6835 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
6837 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6839 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
6840 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
6841 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
6842 disability you may have experienced.
6844 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
6845 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
6846 explained in terms that you would understand.
6848 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
6849 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
6850 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
6852 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6854 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
6855 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
6856 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
6858 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
6859 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
6861 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
6862 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
6863 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
6864 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
6866 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
6867 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
6869 A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
6870 as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
6871 dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
6872 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
6874 A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
6877 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
6878 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6880 A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
6881 scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
6884 A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
6887 A company is known by the men it keeps.
6889 A complex system that works is invariably
6890 found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
6892 A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
6895 [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
6898 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
6899 with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
6902 A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
6903 the president one of the latest talking computers.
6904 Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
6905 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
6907 Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
6908 Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
6909 Computer: George Washington.
6910 President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
6911 Where is my father?"
6912 Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6913 President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6915 Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6916 landed a twelve pound bass.
6918 A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
6919 the computer science student has run in to.
6921 CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
6922 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
6923 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
6924 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
6925 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
6926 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
6927 get the pointer value from there?
6928 Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
6929 make it point to the previous item.
6930 CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
6931 and structure elements must have unique names within that
6933 Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
6935 And then the CS Student was enlightened.
6937 A computer science student on an exam:
6939 According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just
6940 a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently,
6941 information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool
6944 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6946 A computer, to print out a fact,
6947 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
6948 But this output can be
6949 No more than debris,
6950 If the input was short of exact.
6953 A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6954 cake without ketchup and mustard.
6956 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6958 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6959 do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6962 A CONS is an object which cares.
6965 A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6968 A conservative is a man
6969 who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
6972 A conservative is a man
6973 with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
6974 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
6976 A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
6977 is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
6979 A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
6982 A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
6983 damned things is ample.
6986 A couch is as good as a chair.
6988 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6989 -- Benjamin Franklin
6991 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6992 beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6993 one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6994 like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6995 Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6996 his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6997 Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6998 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6999 man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
7001 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
7002 as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
7003 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
7004 there, he don't have one!"
7006 A cousin of mine once said about money,
7007 money is always there but the pockets change;
7008 it is not in the same pockets after a change,
7009 and that is all there is to say about money.
7012 A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
7013 in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
7014 each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
7015 and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
7016 the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
7017 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
7018 well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
7019 houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
7020 fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
7021 of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
7022 complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
7023 ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
7024 this central section.
7025 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
7026 colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
7027 brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
7028 hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
7030 A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
7033 A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
7034 qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
7035 in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
7037 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
7038 And had an affair with a Saracen.
7039 She was not oversexed,
7040 Or jealous or vexed,
7041 She just wanted to make a comparison.
7043 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
7046 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
7048 A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
7050 A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
7052 A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
7054 A day without sunshine is like night.
7056 A dead man cannot bite.
7057 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
7059 A debugged program is one for which you have
7060 not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
7063 A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
7064 Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
7065 their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
7066 society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
7067 domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
7068 is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
7069 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
7071 A Difficulty for Every Solution.
7072 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
7074 A diplomat is a man who can convince his
7075 wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
7077 A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
7078 go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
7081 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
7082 in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
7083 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
7085 A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
7088 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
7089 you will look forward to the trip.
7091 A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
7092 your birthday when you never look any older?"
7094 A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
7095 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
7097 A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
7098 inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
7100 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
7101 the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
7102 condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
7104 A diva who specializes in risqu'
\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
7106 A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
7107 some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
7108 that you only have six weeks to live."
7109 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
7111 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
7114 A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
7115 waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
7116 lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
7117 courtesy," he explained.
7119 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
7122 A dozen, a gross, and a score,
7123 Plus three times the square root of four,
7125 Plus five times eleven,
7126 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
7128 A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
7132 A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
7135 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
7136 a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
7137 a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
7138 an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
7140 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
7143 A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
7145 A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
7148 A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
7149 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
7151 -- Robert A. Heinlein
7153 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
7154 Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
7155 Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
7156 with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the
7157 Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly
7158 pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while
7159 simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick
7160 Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
7162 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
7163 -- Winston Churchill
7165 A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
7167 A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
7168 m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
7169 alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
7170 running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
7171 m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
7172 takes off and disappears into the distance.
7173 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
7174 the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
7175 sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
7176 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
7177 me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
7178 dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
7179 So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
7181 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
7182 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
7185 A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
7186 He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
7187 to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
7188 should be masculine or feminine.
7189 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
7190 Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
7191 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
7192 them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
7193 went on their way rather quickly.
7194 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
7195 belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
7196 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
7198 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
7200 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
7201 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
7202 it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
7205 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
7206 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
7208 A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
7210 A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
7212 A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
7213 rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
7214 down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
7215 on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
7216 station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
7217 drowned in the lake!"
7218 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
7219 more chain than he can swim with?"
7221 A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
7222 A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
7223 And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
7224 A baby-sitter I've never yet
7225 Baby-sits -- Had letters let
7226 But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
7229 (Or scatters scats);
7230 A potting shed's for potting;
7233 Or caught an otter otting.
7236 A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
7238 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
7239 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
7241 A fool and his honey are soon parted.
7243 A fool and his money are soon popular.
7245 A fool and your money are soon partners.
7247 A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
7248 A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
7250 A fool must now and then be right by chance.
7252 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
7253 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
7255 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
7256 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
7258 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
7259 superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
7260 -- George Bernard Shaw
7262 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
7265 A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
7267 A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
7270 A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
7271 dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension.
7272 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
7274 A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
7275 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
7277 A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
7280 A friend in need is a pest indeed.
7282 A friend is a present you give yourself.
7283 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
7285 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
7286 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
7289 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
7290 lawyers more than he hates his wife.
7292 A full belly makes a dull brain.
7293 -- Benjamin Franklin
7295 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
7297 A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other
7300 A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
7302 A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
7303 he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
7304 favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
7305 facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
7308 A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
7309 His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
7311 A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
7312 that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
7313 assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
7314 They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
7315 each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
7318 Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
7319 Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
7320 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
7321 electrical shock to the horse.
7322 G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
7323 Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
7324 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
7325 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
7326 G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
7327 I decide what to do. Physicist?
7329 Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
7331 A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
7333 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
7335 A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
7337 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
7339 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
7342 A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
7344 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
7345 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
7346 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_
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\bt_
\bo _
\bm_
\be_
\ba_
\bn _
\bs_
\bo_
\bm_
\be_
\bt_
\bh_
\bi_
\bn_
\bg*.
7347 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
7349 A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
7350 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
7352 A girl's best friend is her mutter.
7355 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
7356 it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
7358 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
7359 a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
7361 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
7362 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
7363 game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
7364 traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
7365 preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
7368 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
7369 placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
7370 rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results
7371 from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
7372 and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
7373 ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena.
7376 A good man always knows his limitations.
7379 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
7380 -- Michel de Montaigne
7382 A good memory does not equal pale ink.
7384 A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
7385 all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
7388 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
7391 A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
7395 A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
7396 into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
7397 hope of greening the landscape of idea.
7400 A good reputation is more valuable than money.
7403 A good scapegoat is hard to find.
7405 A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
7407 A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
7408 gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
7409 then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
7410 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
7412 A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
7413 call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
7414 "That's dynamite, baby."
7415 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
7417 A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
7418 you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
7422 A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
7423 the table after you eat.
7425 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
7428 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
7429 to take it all away.
7432 A grammarian's life is always intense.
7434 A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
7435 -- Benjamin Franklin
7437 A great many people think they are thinking
7438 when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
7441 A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
7444 A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
7445 green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
7446 grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
7447 indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
7448 bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
7449 with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
7450 of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
7451 upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department
7452 store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
7453 of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
7454 properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
7455 anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
7456 geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
7457 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
7459 A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
7460 are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
7461 not going to church on Sunday.
7464 A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
7467 A guy has to get fresh once in a while
7468 so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
7470 A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
7473 Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
7474 To retain people as men -- and maidservants
7475 Brings good fortune.
7477 A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
7479 A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
7481 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
7483 A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
7484 weight in other people's patience.
7487 A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
7489 If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
7490 a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
7491 photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
7496 A Hen Brooding Kittens
7497 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
7498 a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
7499 kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
7500 says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
7501 she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
7502 felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
7503 her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
7504 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
7506 A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
7508 A holding company is a thing where you hand
7509 an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
7511 A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
7512 "Hello?" his friend answers.
7513 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
7514 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
7515 for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
7516 studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
7517 series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
7518 I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
7519 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
7521 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
7523 A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
7524 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
7526 A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
7528 A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
7529 Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
7530 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901
7532 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
7535 A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
7538 A hypothetical paradox:
7539 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
7540 team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
7541 Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
7544 A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
7545 C is for Clara who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
7546 E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
7547 G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
7548 I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
7549 K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
7550 M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Neville who died of ennui.
7551 O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
7552 Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
7553 S is for Susan who perished of fits, T is for Titus who flew into bits.
7554 U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
7555 W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice.
7556 Y is for Yorick whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
7557 -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies"
7562 A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
7563 B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
7564 C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
7565 D is for dd, the command that does all.
7566 E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
7567 F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
7568 G is for grep, a clever detective, while
7569 H is for halt, which may seem defective.
7570 I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
7571 J is for join, which nobody uses.
7572 K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
7573 L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
7574 M is for more, from which less was begot, and
7575 N is for nice, which it really is not.
7576 O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
7577 P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
7578 Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
7579 R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
7580 S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
7581 T is for true, which does very little.
7582 U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
7583 V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
7584 W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
7585 X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
7586 Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
7587 Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
7588 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
7590 A joint is just tea for two.
7592 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
7594 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
7597 A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
7600 A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
7602 Simply handed in through the window.
7603 There is certainly no blame in this.
7605 A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
7608 A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
7609 good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
7611 A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
7613 A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
7614 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
7616 A king's castle is his home.
7618 A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
7619 for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
7620 words are superfluous.
7622 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
7624 A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
7627 A lady with one of her ears applied
7628 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
7629 Two female gossips in converse free --
7630 The subject engaging them was she.
7631 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
7632 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
7633 As soon as no more of it she could hear
7634 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
7635 "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
7636 "To hear my character lied about!"
7639 A language that doesn't affect the way you
7640 think about programming is not worth knowing.
7643 A language that doesn't have everything is
7644 actually easier to program in than some that do.
7645 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
7647 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
7648 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
7649 and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
7650 line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
7651 do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
7652 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
7653 there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
7654 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
7655 third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
7656 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
7657 this here corn liquor?"
7658 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
7659 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
7660 "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
7661 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
7662 a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
7663 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
7664 with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
7665 smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
7668 A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
7669 That is, they work by being declared to work.
7672 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
7673 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
7674 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
7675 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
7676 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
7677 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
7678 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
7679 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
7680 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
7681 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
7682 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
7683 to the flypaper with all the other flies.
7685 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
7686 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
7688 A Law of Computer Programming:
7689 Make it possible for programmers to write in English
7690 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
7692 A liberal is a man too broad minded to take his own side in a quarrel.
7695 A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
7698 A lie in time saves nine.
7700 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
7702 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
7704 A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
7706 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
7708 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
7710 A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
7711 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
7713 A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
7716 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
7717 Into space that is quite economical.
7718 But the good ones I've seen
7719 So seldom are clean,
7720 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
7722 A LISP programmer knows the value of
7723 everything, but the cost of nothing.
7726 A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
7729 A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
7731 A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
7734 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
7735 -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924)
7737 A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
7738 right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
7739 know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
7740 little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
7741 then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
7743 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
7744 have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
7745 those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
7746 the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
7747 APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
7748 with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
7749 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
7751 A little word of doubtful number,
7752 A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
7753 If you add an "s" to this,
7754 Great is the metamorphosis.
7755 Plural is plural now no more,
7756 And sweet what bitter was before.
7759 A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
7761 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
7763 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
7764 Buy the negatives at any price.
7766 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
7768 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
7771 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
7772 and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
7775 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
7778 A major, with wonderful force,
7779 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
7780 All the flowers looked round,
7781 But no horse could be found;
7782 So he just rhododendron, of course.
7784 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
7787 A man always needs to remember one thing about
7788 a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
7790 A man always remembers his first love with special
7791 tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
7794 A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
7795 who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
7796 lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
7797 you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
7799 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
7800 on the side to make it interesting?"
7802 A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
7806 A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
7807 or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
7810 A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
7813 A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
7814 By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
7815 was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
7817 A deep majestic voice answered,
7818 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
7819 "Help me!!" cried the man.
7820 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
7821 you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
7822 The man thought for a moment and cried out:
7823 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
7825 A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
7829 A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
7830 next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
7832 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
7833 Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
7834 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
7835 with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
7837 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
7838 "Nah," says the man.
7839 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
7840 man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
7841 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
7844 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
7845 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
7847 A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
7850 A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
7851 man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
7852 whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
7854 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
7855 with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
7856 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
7857 "They're only four dollars apiece."
7859 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
7860 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
7861 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
7862 and he heads off into the distance.
7863 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
7864 Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
7865 sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
7866 staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
7867 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
7868 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
7870 A man is known by the company he organizes.
7873 A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
7874 He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
7877 A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
7880 A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
7881 longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
7882 followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
7883 other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
7884 no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
7885 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
7886 but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
7888 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
7889 in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
7890 attacked and killed her."
7891 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
7892 don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
7893 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
7895 A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
7896 antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
7897 from around here, are you?"
7898 "No," replies the man with the antennae.
7899 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
7900 either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
7901 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
7902 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
7903 there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
7904 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
7905 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
7906 big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
7907 Martians have that?"
7908 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
7910 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
7911 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
7912 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
7914 A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
7917 A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
7918 but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
7920 A man may well bring a horse to the water,
7921 but he cannot make him drink with he will.
7924 A man of genius makes no mistakes.
7925 His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
7926 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
7928 A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
7930 A man said to the Universe:
7932 "However," replied the Universe,
7933 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
7936 A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
7937 some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
7938 he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
7939 might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
7940 her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
7942 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
7943 by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
7944 in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
7945 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
7946 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
7947 just want to get my saddle back!"
7949 A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
7950 he is able to answer.
7953 A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
7955 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
7956 he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
7957 into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
7958 tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
7959 wakes up and gives me hell."
7960 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
7962 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
7963 stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
7964 `How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
7965 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
7966 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
7969 A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
7970 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
7971 why did you Di......eeee"
7972 The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
7973 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
7974 carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
7975 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
7976 why....eeeee did you.."
7977 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
7978 Tell, me who is buried here?"
7979 "My wife's first husband."
7981 A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
7982 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
7984 A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
7987 A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
7988 will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
7990 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
7991 find a girl willing to listen to him.
7993 A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
7995 A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
7997 A man with one watch knows what time it is.
7998 A man with two watches is never quite sure.
8000 A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
8002 A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
8004 A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
8006 A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
8007 destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
8008 turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
8009 would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
8010 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
8012 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
8014 A man's best friend is his dogma.
8016 A man's gotta know his limitations.
8017 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
8019 A man's house is his castle.
8022 A man's house is his hassle.
8024 A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
8025 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
8026 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
8027 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
8028 "What about you: do you see it?"
8029 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
8030 on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
8031 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
8032 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
8033 who is the one that wants to see it?"
8035 A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
8036 observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
8037 they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
8038 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
8040 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
8041 understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
8042 from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
8044 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
8046 A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
8049 A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
8051 A meeting is an event at which the
8052 minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
8054 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
8055 but to protect the writer.
8058 A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
8059 and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
8060 -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz
8062 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
8063 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
8064 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
8065 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
8066 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
8067 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
8068 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
8069 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
8070 paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
8071 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
8072 fall over gently onto their backs.
8073 -- Audubon Society Magazine
8075 [From the BBC, 2001-02-02:
8076 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
8077 monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx
8078 helicopters passed overhead.
8079 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
8080 said team leader Dr. Richard Stone.
8081 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
8082 calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
8083 with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
8085 The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
8086 (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on
8089 A mighty creature is the germ,
8090 Though smaller than the pachyderm.
8091 His customary dwelling place
8092 Is deep within the human race.
8093 His childish pride he often pleases
8094 By giving people strange diseases.
8095 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
8096 You probably contain a germ.
8099 A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
8101 A modem is a baudy house.
8103 A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
8104 is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
8107 A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
8108 floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
8109 its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
8110 terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
8111 Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
8112 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
8113 children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
8114 and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
8115 proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
8116 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
8117 you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
8118 purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
8121 A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
8122 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
8125 A motion to adjourn is always in order.
8127 A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.
8129 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
8131 A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
8133 A musician, an artist, an architect:
8134 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
8137 A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
8138 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
8140 A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
8143 A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
8145 A national debt, if it is not excessive,
8146 will be to us a national blessing.
8147 -- Alexander Hamilton
8149 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out
8150 on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed
8151 loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom
8152 do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
8154 A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
8155 discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
8156 still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
8157 same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
8158 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
8159 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
8160 ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
8163 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
8164 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
8165 It is an ice cream koan.
8167 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
8168 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
8169 now has no excuse for further procrastination.
8171 A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
8172 had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
8173 come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
8174 catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
8175 the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
8176 it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
8177 in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
8178 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
8180 A New Way of Taking Pills
8181 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
8182 having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
8183 small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
8184 will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
8185 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
8187 A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
8188 rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
8190 A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
8191 on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
8192 over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
8193 As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
8194 from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
8195 "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
8196 you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
8197 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
8198 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
8199 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
8200 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
8201 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
8202 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
8206 A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
8207 by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
8208 out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
8209 that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
8210 himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
8211 the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
8212 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
8213 onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
8214 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
8217 A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
8218 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
8220 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
8223 A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
8224 "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
8227 A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
8229 "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
8231 The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
8232 relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
8235 "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
8237 With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
8238 enlightenment, several years later.
8243 Answering his FAQ quickly,
8244 With thought and sarcasm.
8246 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
8248 A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
8249 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
8251 A Parable of Modern Research:
8253 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
8254 brightly lit corner.
8255 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
8256 "I can only see here."
8258 A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
8259 -- William S. Burroughs
8261 A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
8263 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
8266 A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
8268 A penny saved has not been spent.
8270 A penny saved is a penny taxed.
8272 A penny saved is ridiculous.
8274 A penny saved kills your career in government.
8276 A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
8277 govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
8278 on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
8279 itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
8280 manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
8283 A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
8284 who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
8285 speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
8286 unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
8289 A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
8291 A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
8293 A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
8294 A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
8296 A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
8297 schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
8300 A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
8303 A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
8306 A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
8307 gets out and goes into the office.
8308 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
8309 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
8310 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
8312 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
8313 truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
8315 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
8316 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
8318 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
8319 conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
8320 "we're building a house".
8322 A pig is a jolly companion,
8323 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
8324 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
8325 Though mountains may topple and tilt.
8326 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
8327 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
8328 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
8329 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
8330 You'll never go wrong with a pig!
8331 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
8333 A pipe gives a wise man time to think
8334 and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
8336 A place for everything and everything in its place.
8337 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
8339 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
8340 referring to memory management system services.]
8342 A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
8345 A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
8346 contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
8349 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
8351 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
8353 A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
8354 about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
8355 money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
8356 finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
8357 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
8358 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
8360 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
8361 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
8362 to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
8363 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
8364 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
8366 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
8368 A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
8369 but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
8372 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
8375 A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
8377 A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
8378 -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra"
8380 A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
8381 Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
8382 But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
8385 A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
8388 A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
8389 last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
8390 of yours to press against my heart.
8391 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
8393 A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
8395 A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
8396 Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
8398 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
8400 And the Master answered:
8401 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
8402 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
8403 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to
8404 City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
8405 to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
8407 And that is Fate? said the priest.
8409 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
8411 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know
8412 what Freight was too.
8413 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
8415 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
8418 A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
8419 asks you not to kill him.
8420 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
8422 A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
8423 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8425 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
8427 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
8428 being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
8429 incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
8430 assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
8431 and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
8432 dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
8433 annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
8434 unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
8435 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
8437 A programming language is low level
8438 when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
8440 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
8441 drink with -- even if he drank.
8444 A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
8445 watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
8446 looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
8447 tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
8448 they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
8449 by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
8450 killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
8451 could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
8452 emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
8453 the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
8455 A promiscuous person is usually someone who is
8456 getting more sex than you are.
8459 A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
8460 by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
8463 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
8464 your wife asks you for nothing.
8467 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
8468 your wife will give you for free.
8470 A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
8471 too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
8472 was intended for her preservation.
8475 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
8476 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
8477 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
8478 to make a travesty of the game.
8481 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
8482 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
8483 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
8485 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
8486 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
8487 might be made an Archbishop."
8488 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
8489 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
8490 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
8491 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
8492 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
8493 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
8494 up from being the Pope?"
8495 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
8496 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
8498 A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
8499 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
8502 A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
8503 entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
8506 A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
8508 A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
8509 his neighbor notice it.
8512 A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
8513 commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
8514 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
8515 the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
8516 field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
8517 room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
8518 beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
8519 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
8520 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
8521 obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
8523 A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
8524 A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
8526 A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
8527 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture
8529 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
8530 ticket and rejoices that the system works.
8532 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
8533 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
8534 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
8535 needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
8537 A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to
8538 help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this
8539 out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my
8542 A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
8543 people what to do with their money.
8544 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
8546 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
8549 A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
8550 not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
8553 A robin redbreast in a cage
8554 Puts all Heaven in a rage.
8557 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
8558 contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
8559 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
8561 A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
8563 A rolling stone gathers momentum.
8565 A rolling stone gathers no moss.
8568 A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
8569 demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
8570 holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
8571 Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
8574 A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
8575 weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
8576 banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
8577 The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
8578 the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
8579 is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
8580 monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
8581 plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
8582 weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
8583 the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
8584 was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
8585 will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
8586 as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
8587 was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
8588 when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
8590 A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
8591 PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
8592 Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
8593 with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
8594 joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
8595 drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
8596 up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
8597 good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
8598 true. I'm very good in beds as well."
8600 A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
8601 If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
8602 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
8604 A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
8606 A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
8607 Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
8608 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
8610 I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
8611 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
8612 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
8615 A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
8617 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
8618 their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
8619 the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
8620 such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
8621 their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
8622 the vocation must fit the individual.
8623 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
8625 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
8627 A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
8628 making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
8629 die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
8632 A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
8633 the vexation of thinking.
8634 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831)
8636 A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
8637 of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
8638 water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
8639 of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
8641 It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
8642 recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
8644 -- J. W. N. Sullivan
8646 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
8647 him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
8651 A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
8654 A Severe Strain on the Credulity
8655 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
8656 highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
8657 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
8658 multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
8659 for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
8660 flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
8661 charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
8662 Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
8663 know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
8664 better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
8665 lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
8666 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
8668 A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
8669 thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
8670 problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
8671 aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
8672 away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
8673 participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
8674 will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
8675 men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
8676 idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
8677 the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
8678 submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
8679 is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
8680 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
8682 A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
8685 A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
8686 All tenderly his messenger he chose;
8687 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
8690 I knew the language of the floweret;
8691 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
8692 Love long has taken for his amulet
8695 Why is it no one ever sent me yet
8696 One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
8697 Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
8699 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
8701 A sinking ship gathers no moss.
8704 A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
8706 A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
8708 A snake lurks in the grass.
8709 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
8711 A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
8712 African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
8713 Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
8715 A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
8716 the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
8717 which is on its way out.
8720 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
8723 A soft drink turneth away company.
8725 A song in time is worth a dime.
8727 A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
8728 family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
8729 when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
8730 and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
8731 "How are you?" they ask.
8732 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
8733 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
8734 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
8735 that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
8736 he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
8738 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
8739 Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
8740 at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
8741 enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
8743 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
8744 talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
8745 well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
8746 that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
8748 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
8750 A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
8752 A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
8755 A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
8756 probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
8757 the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
8758 Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
8760 A stitch in time saves nine.
8762 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
8765 A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
8769 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
8770 As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
8771 student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
8772 the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
8773 the student with a stick.
8775 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
8777 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
8779 A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
8780 undreamed of by its author.
8783 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
8787 A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
8788 Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
8789 other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
8790 new versions of their own innards!
8793 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8794 -- by Charles Dickens
8796 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
8798 The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
8801 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
8803 Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
8804 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
8806 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
8809 -- by William Shakespeare
8811 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
8812 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
8814 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8815 -- by Charles Dickens
8817 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
8818 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
8821 Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
8822 -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
8824 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
8825 feels guilty and apologizes.
8827 The Odyssey LITE(tm)
8830 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
8832 A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
8834 A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
8836 A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
8837 -- Michael Winner, British film director
8839 A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
8840 of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
8842 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
8843 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
8846 A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
8847 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H."
8849 A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
8852 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
8853 and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
8854 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8856 A transistor protected by a fast-acting
8857 fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
8859 A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
8860 wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
8861 Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
8862 sitting in the yard watching the pig.
8863 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
8864 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
8865 was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
8866 pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
8867 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
8868 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
8869 the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
8870 That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
8872 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
8874 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
8875 got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
8877 A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
8880 A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
8881 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
8884 A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
8885 -- Benjamin Franklin
8887 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8889 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8891 A truth that's told with bad intent
8892 Beats all the lies you can invent.
8895 A university is what a college becomes
8896 when the faculty loses interest in students.
8899 A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
8900 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
8902 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
8903 Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
8904 She found a good way
8905 To combine work and play:
8906 She sells C shells by the seashore.
8908 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
8909 than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
8910 -- Tennessee Williams
8912 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
8915 A violent man will die a violent death.
8918 A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
8920 A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
8922 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
8924 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
8927 A watched clock never boils.
8929 A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
8932 A well-known friend is a treasure.
8934 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
8935 A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant.
8936 Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
8937 Software rots if not used.
8939 These are great mysteries.
8940 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
8942 A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
8945 A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
8946 *for the rest of your life*.
8949 A wise man can see more from a mountain top
8950 than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
8952 A wise man can see more from the bottom
8953 of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
8955 A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
8958 A witty saying proves nothing.
8961 A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
8964 A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
8965 admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact
8966 remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
8967 reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It
8968 is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
8969 using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these
8970 matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times.
8971 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
8973 A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
8974 were quite a struggle.
8977 A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
8979 A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
8980 To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
8981 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
8983 A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
8986 A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
8987 of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
8990 A woman forgives the audacity of which
8991 her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
8994 A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
8995 thankful for a good one.
8996 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
8998 A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
9002 A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
9003 she flies; fly from her, she follows.
9006 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
9007 it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
9008 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
9010 A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
9011 over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
9012 pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
9015 A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
9016 physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
9017 when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
9018 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
9020 A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
9023 A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
9024 came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
9025 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
9026 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
9027 (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
9028 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
9029 one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
9030 a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
9032 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
9033 phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
9034 an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
9036 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
9037 up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
9039 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
9041 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
9044 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
9045 Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
9047 A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
9048 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
9050 A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
9052 A word to the wise is enough.
9053 -- Miguel de Cervantes
9055 A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
9056 that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
9057 watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
9058 myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
9059 and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
9060 "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
9061 to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
9063 A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
9064 what he writes fiction.
9067 A yawn is a silent shout.
9070 A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
9072 A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
9073 bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
9074 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
9076 A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
9077 a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
9078 have that!" she gushed.
9079 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
9080 window and grabbing the ring.
9081 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
9082 I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
9083 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
9085 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
9086 anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
9087 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
9089 A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
9090 walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
9091 woman, who is obviously window shopping, looks her straight in the eye and
9092 says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
9093 allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
9094 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
9095 pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
9096 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
9097 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
9098 I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
9099 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
9100 calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
9101 at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
9102 can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
9103 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
9104 of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
9105 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
9106 The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
9107 you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
9108 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
9111 A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
9113 Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
9114 suggestions as to how to get started?"
9115 A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
9116 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
9117 Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
9118 A: "But I never asked anybody how."
9121 An organization for drunks who drive.
9123 AA
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
9124 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
9126 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
9128 Abbott's Admonitions:
9129 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
9130 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
9132 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
9134 Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
9135 on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
9137 Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
9138 Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
9139 And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
9140 Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
9141 An angel writing in a book of gold.
9142 Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
9143 And to the presence in the room he said,
9144 "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
9145 And with a look made of all sweet accord,
9146 Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
9147 "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
9148 Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
9149 But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
9150 Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
9151 The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
9152 It came again with a great wakening light,
9153 And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
9154 And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
9155 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
9157 About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
9159 About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
9161 About the only thing we have left that actually
9162 discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
9164 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
9167 About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
9168 ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
9169 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9171 Above all else - sky.
9173 Above all things, reverence yourself.
9175 Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
9178 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
9179 and miss the return train.
9181 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
9182 great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
9183 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
9185 Absence in love is like water upon fire;
9186 a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
9189 Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
9190 it enkindles the great.
9192 Absence makes the heart forget.
9194 Absence makes the heart go wander.
9196 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
9199 Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
9201 Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
9204 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
9208 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
9209 himself from the sphere of exaction.
9210 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9212 Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
9216 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
9218 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9221 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
9222 of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
9223 and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
9224 men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
9225 their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
9226 evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
9227 test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
9228 performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
9229 immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
9230 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
9231 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
9232 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
9235 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
9237 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9239 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
9240 because the stakes are so low.
9243 Academicians care, that's who.
9246 A modern school where football is taught.
9248 An archaic school where football is not taught.
9250 Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
9252 Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
9255 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
9258 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
9260 -- Foolish Dictionary
9263 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
9264 in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
9265 bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
9266 Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
9267 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
9269 Accidents cause History.
9271 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
9272 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
9273 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
9274 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
9275 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
9276 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9278 According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
9279 everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
9280 national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
9281 smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
9282 most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
9283 that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
9284 Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
9285 parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
9286 decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
9287 a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
9288 sheepish grin" comes from.
9290 According to all the latest reports,
9291 there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
9293 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
9294 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
9295 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
9296 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
9299 According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
9300 and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
9302 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
9304 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
9307 According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
9308 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
9310 According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
9313 According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
9316 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
9317 live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came
9318 in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much.
9319 Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
9323 A bagpipe with pleats.
9326 The vice of being right.
9328 Acid -- better living through chemistry.
9330 Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
9333 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
9334 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
9335 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
9336 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9338 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
9340 Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
9341 and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
9342 well, I think of my sex life.
9347 Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
9348 Cary Grant Archibald Leach
9349 Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
9350 Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
9351 John Wayne Marion Morrison
9352 Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
9353 Richard Burton Richard Jenkins, Jr.
9354 Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
9355 Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
9357 Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
9358 everyone glued in their seats!"
9359 Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
9362 Actor: So what do you do for a living?
9363 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
9364 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
9365 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
9367 Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
9369 Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
9370 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford,
9371 "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
9373 Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
9375 Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
9376 will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
9378 N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
9379 only have one floor to go to.
9381 Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
9382 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
9383 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
9384 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
9385 it is true for all N+1 floors.
9388 Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
9391 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
9392 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
9394 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
9396 Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
9397 [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
9400 Adding features does not necessarily increase
9401 functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
9403 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
9404 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
9406 Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
9407 close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
9408 scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
9409 -- George Washington (1732-1799)
9411 Adding sound to movies would be like
9412 putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
9413 -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925
9415 Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
9416 something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
9418 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
9420 Adler's Distinction:
9421 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
9422 and from the bureaucrats.
9425 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
9426 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9429 The stage between puberty and adultery.
9431 Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
9436 To venerate expectantly.
9437 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9440 One old enough to know better.
9444 Advancement in position.
9446 Advertisements contain the only
9447 truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
9450 Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
9451 way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
9454 Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
9457 Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
9458 intelligence long enough to get money from it.
9461 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
9462 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
9465 Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
9467 Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
9469 Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
9470 then at least be aseptic.
9472 African violet: Such worth is rare
9473 Apple blossom: Preference
9474 Bachelor's button: Celibacy
9475 Bay leaf: I change but in death
9476 Camellia: Reflected loveliness
9477 Chrysanthemum, red: I love
9478 Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
9479 Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
9483 Forget-me-not: True love
9485 Gardenia: Secret, untold love
9486 Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
9487 Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
9488 Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
9489 Leaves (dead): Melancholy
9490 Lilac: Youthful innocence
9491 Lily: Purity, sweetness
9492 Lily of the valley: Return of happiness
9493 Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
9494 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
9496 After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
9497 comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
9498 except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
9499 is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
9500 under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
9501 permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
9502 especially that which is prohibited.
9503 -- Newton Minow, 1985,
9504 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools
9506 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
9507 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
9508 more advanced than the lichen family.
9509 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
9511 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
9513 After a while you learn the subtle difference
9514 Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
9515 And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
9516 And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
9517 And presents aren't promises
9518 And you begin to accept your defeats
9519 With your head up and your eyes open,
9520 With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
9521 And you learn to build all your roads
9522 On today because tomorrow's ground
9523 Is too uncertain. And futures have
9524 A way of falling down in midflight,
9525 After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
9526 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
9527 For someone to bring you flowers.
9528 And you learn that you really can endure...
9529 That you really are strong,
9530 And you really do have worth
9531 And you learn and learn
9532 With every goodbye you learn.
9533 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
9535 After all, all he did was string together
9536 a lot of old, well-known quotations.
9537 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
9539 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
9541 After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
9544 After all my erstwhile dear,
9545 My no longer cherished,
9546 Need we say it was not love,
9547 Just because it perished?
9548 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
9550 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not
9551 for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
9552 simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
9555 After an instrument has been assembled,
9556 extra components will be found on the bench.
9558 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
9559 month than you did before.
9561 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
9562 names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
9563 Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
9564 many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
9565 Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
9566 different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
9567 developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
9568 attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
9569 to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
9570 skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
9571 injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
9572 hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
9573 that it sinks like a stone.
9574 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9576 After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
9577 claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
9578 in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
9579 bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
9580 judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
9581 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
9582 Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
9583 this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
9584 take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
9585 perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
9586 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
9587 Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
9588 where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
9590 After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
9591 the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
9592 cost to others, to win advancement.
9595 After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
9597 After living in New York, you trust nobody,
9598 but you believe everything. Just in case.
9600 ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
9601 Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
9602 I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
9603 and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
9604 Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
9605 did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
9606 development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
9607 one foot in his mouth.)
9608 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
9610 After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
9613 After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
9614 by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
9615 with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
9616 carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
9617 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
9619 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
9620 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
9622 After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
9623 throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
9624 Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
9625 at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
9626 his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
9627 with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
9628 that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
9629 Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
9630 first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
9631 single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
9632 According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
9633 the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
9634 charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
9635 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
9637 Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
9638 precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
9639 Nobel Prize in 1923.
9641 After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
9642 the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
9643 the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
9644 any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
9645 deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
9647 The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
9648 Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
9649 But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
9650 or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
9651 burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
9652 neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
9653 oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
9655 Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
9656 straight to the point.
9657 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
9659 After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
9660 indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
9662 After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
9665 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
9668 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
9670 Against Idleness and Mischief
9672 How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
9673 Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
9674 And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
9675 From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
9677 In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
9678 I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
9679 For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
9680 For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
9681 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
9683 Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
9684 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
9686 Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
9688 Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
9691 Age is a tyrant who forbids,
9692 at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
9695 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
9696 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the
9697 enterprise to commit.
9698 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9701 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
9703 Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
9705 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
9706 Or what's a heaven for ?
9707 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
9709 Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
9712 For all dreams are not equal,
9713 some exit to nightmare
9714 most end with the dreamer
9716 But at least one must be lived ... and died.
9718 Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
9719 "How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
9720 And I answer them most mysteriously:
9721 "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
9724 Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
9726 Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
9728 Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
9730 "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
9731 Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
9732 that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
9733 unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
9734 up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
9735 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
9737 Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
9739 Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
9740 excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
9742 Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
9745 Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
9746 -- The Mad Dogtender
9748 Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
9749 bring me a message from a young man.
9752 Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
9754 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
9757 Air Force Inertia Axiom:
9758 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
9760 Air is water with holes in it.
9763 A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
9764 the fattening of the poor.
9765 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9767 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
9769 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
9770 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
9771 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
9773 Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
9774 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
9776 Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
9777 machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
9778 as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
9779 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9781 Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
9782 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
9784 Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
9785 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
9790 Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
9791 or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
9792 a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
9793 Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
9796 Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
9797 telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
9798 York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
9799 And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
9800 receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
9803 Social innovations tend to the level
9804 of minimum tolerable well-being.
9806 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
9807 The surest poison is time.
9808 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
9810 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
9811 -- George Bernard Shaw
9814 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
9816 (2) Always be backlit.
9817 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
9819 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
9820 Aleph-null bottles of beer,
9821 You take one down, and pass it around,
9822 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
9824 Alex Haley was adopted!
9826 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
9829 Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
9830 the closest our country has ever been to being even.
9831 -- The Best of Will Rogers
9833 Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
9834 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
9836 Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
9837 important programming language yet developed.
9841 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
9843 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
9845 Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
9846 them keeps paying for it.
9849 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
9852 Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
9855 Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
9857 Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
9859 Alive without breath,
9861 Never thirsty, ever drinking,
9862 All in mail ever clinking.
9864 All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
9866 All art is but imitation of nature.
9867 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
9869 All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
9870 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
9871 Catiline", by Sallust
9873 All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
9877 All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
9878 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
9880 All constants are variables.
9882 All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
9885 All extremists should be taken out and shot.
9887 All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
9892 Smoke a friend today.
9894 All generalizations are false, including this one.
9897 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
9899 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
9901 All Gods were immortal.
9902 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
9904 All great discoveries are made by mistake.
9907 All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
9909 All heiresses are beautiful.
9912 All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
9913 to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
9916 All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
9919 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
9921 All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
9924 All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
9925 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
9928 All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
9929 makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
9930 an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
9933 All I need to have a good time,
9934 Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9935 With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
9936 A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9938 All I want is to never grow old,
9939 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9940 I want 97 kilos already rolled,
9941 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9943 I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
9944 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9945 I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
9946 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9947 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
9949 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
9950 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
9952 All intelligent species own cats.
9954 All is fear in love and war.
9956 All is well that ends well.
9959 All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
9960 throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
9961 practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
9962 Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
9963 that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
9964 that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
9966 All kings is mostly rapscallions.
9969 All laws are simulations of reality.
9972 All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
9975 All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
9979 All men have the right to wait in line.
9981 All men know the utility of useful things;
9982 but they do not know the utility of futility.
9985 All men profess honesty as long as they can.
9986 To believe all men honest would be folly.
9987 To believe none so is something worse.
9988 -- John Quincy Adams
9990 All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
9991 a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
9994 All most people ask of life is a constant
9995 and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
9997 All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
9999 All my friends and I are crazy.
10000 That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
10002 All my friends are getting married,
10003 Yes, they're all growing old,
10004 They're all staying home on the weekend,
10005 They're all doing what they're told.
10007 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
10011 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
10013 All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
10014 the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
10016 All of the animals except man know that
10017 the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
10019 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
10020 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
10021 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
10022 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
10025 All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
10026 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon"
10028 All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
10029 Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
10030 tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
10031 "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
10032 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
10034 All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
10038 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
10039 parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
10040 can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
10042 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
10044 All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
10047 All phone calls are obscene.
10048 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
10050 All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
10053 All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
10055 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
10056 those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
10057 of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
10058 goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
10059 and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
10060 the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
10062 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
10064 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
10066 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
10067 to live beyond its income.
10068 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
10070 All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
10071 -- Ernest Rutherford
10073 All seems condemned in the long run
10074 to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
10077 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
10080 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
10082 All that glitters has a high refractive index.
10084 All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
10086 All that is gold does not glitter,
10087 Not all those who wander are lost;
10088 The old that is strong does not wither,
10089 Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
10090 From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
10091 A light from the shadows shall spring;
10092 Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
10093 The crownless again shall be king.
10094 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
10096 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
10097 too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
10098 subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
10099 can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
10100 Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
10101 decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
10103 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
10105 All the evidence concerning the universe
10106 has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
10108 All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
10109 It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
10110 With all the words gone, They all had their day
10111 What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
10113 But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
10114 And all the lines read, So small and so tender
10115 There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
10116 And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
10118 It reminds me of days of So what is this line
10119 Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
10120 It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
10121 And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
10123 I've read all the greats
10124 Both starving and fat,
10125 But none was as great as
10126 "I tot I taw a puddy tat."
10127 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
10129 All the men on my staff can type.
10132 ...all the modern inconveniences...
10135 All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
10137 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
10139 All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
10142 All the simple programs have been written.
10144 All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
10145 the government in less than a second.
10148 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
10150 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
10153 All the world's a VAX,
10154 And all the coders merely butchers;
10155 They have their exits and their entrails;
10156 And one int in his time plays many widths,
10157 His sizeof being _
\bN bytes. At first the infant,
10158 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
10159 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
10160 And shining morning face, creeping like slug
10161 Unwillingly to school.
10162 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
10164 All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
10165 and all theoretical chemists know it.
10166 -- Richard P. Feynman
10168 All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
10170 All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
10172 All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
10173 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
10175 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
10176 it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
10179 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
10181 All warranty and guarantee clauses
10182 become null and void upon payment of invoice.
10184 All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
10185 infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
10187 -- Francois Fenelon
10189 All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
10190 other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
10191 This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
10193 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
10195 All who joy would win Must share it --
10196 Happiness was born a twin.
10199 All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
10201 All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
10202 upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
10203 visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
10204 informing, stimulating and ennobling.
10208 When all else fails, read the instructions.
10211 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
10212 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they
10213 cannot separately plunder a third.
10214 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10216 All's well that ends.
10218 Almost anything derogatory you could say
10219 about today's software design would be accurate.
10224 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10226 Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
10227 to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
10229 alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
10230 ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
10231 baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
10232 Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
10233 baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
10234 beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
10236 caaa, n: An automobile.
10237 centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
10238 someone involved with the Knicks.)
10239 chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
10240 dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
10242 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
10244 Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
10245 Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
10248 Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
10249 buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
10250 Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
10251 reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
10252 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
10253 bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
10254 "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
10255 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
10257 Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
10259 Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
10260 mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
10261 any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
10262 to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
10263 Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
10264 serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
10265 same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
10266 that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
10267 penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
10268 running the post office.
10269 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
10271 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
10272 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
10273 life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
10274 minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
10275 apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
10276 of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
10277 through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
10278 those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
10279 reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
10281 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
10283 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
10285 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
10288 Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
10290 Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
10292 Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
10295 Always store beer in a dark place.
10297 Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
10298 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
10300 Always there remain portions of our heart
10301 into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
10303 Always think of something new; this
10304 helps you forget your last rotten idea.
10307 Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
10310 Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
10312 AMAZING BUT TRUE...
10313 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
10314 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
10316 AMAZING BUT TRUE...
10317 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
10318 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
10320 Ambidextrous, adj.:
10321 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
10322 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10325 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
10327 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
10328 -- Charlie McCarthy
10331 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
10332 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
10333 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10335 America: born free and taxed to death.
10337 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
10340 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
10343 America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
10344 and the scum rises to the top.
10347 America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
10348 -- President John F. Kennedy
10350 The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
10351 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
10352 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
10353 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
10354 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
10356 The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
10357 from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
10358 to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
10359 Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
10360 of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
10361 by the majority they were at the time.
10362 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
10364 America is the country where you buy a lifetime
10365 supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
10367 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
10368 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
10371 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
10372 until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
10373 changed its name to "America".
10374 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
10376 America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
10378 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
10379 employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
10380 employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
10381 between the men's room and the women's room without having little
10382 pictures on the doors.
10383 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
10385 American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
10387 American cars are made shoddily...
10388 Cars made overseas are far superior.
10391 [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
10392 we allow them short of hanging.
10395 America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
10396 tail it knocks over a chair.
10399 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
10400 everybody and still nobody likes him.
10403 Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
10405 Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
10406 to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
10407 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
10409 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
10411 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
10414 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
10415 and divide at the same time.
10417 Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
10418 -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407)
10420 Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
10422 An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
10423 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
10425 An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
10428 An Ada exception is when a routine gets
10429 in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty."
10431 An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
10433 An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
10434 people refuse to see it.
10435 -- James Michener, "Space"
10437 An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
10438 his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
10439 asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
10440 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
10442 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
10445 An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
10448 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
10449 to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
10450 -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
10452 An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
10453 to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
10454 and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
10455 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
10458 An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
10461 An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
10462 winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
10463 over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
10464 open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
10465 let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
10466 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
10467 do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
10469 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
10470 scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
10471 that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
10473 An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
10474 about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
10476 American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
10478 Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
10479 transportation everywhere."
10480 A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
10481 R: "We take the train."
10482 A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
10483 R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
10484 A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
10485 R: "We take tanks."
10487 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
10488 the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
10490 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
10491 New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
10492 not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
10495 An aphorism is never exactly true;
10496 it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
10499 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
10501 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
10503 An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
10505 An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
10507 An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
10509 An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
10511 An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
10514 An attachment a la Plato
10515 for a bashful young potato
10516 or a, not too French, french bean
10517 must excite your languid spleen.
10518 For, if you walk down Picadilly
10519 with a poppy or lily
10520 in your medieval hand,
10521 every one will say,
10522 as you walk your flowery way;
10523 "If this young man is content,
10524 with a vegetable love
10525 which would certainly not content me.
10526 Why, what a very pure young man
10527 this pure young man must be!"
10528 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
10529 [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde]
10531 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
10532 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
10533 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
10534 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
10535 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
10536 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
10538 An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
10539 really care to know.
10541 An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
10543 An economist is a man who would marry
10544 Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
10546 An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
10547 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
10549 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
10551 An efficient and a successful administration manifests
10552 itself equally in small as in great matters.
10553 -- Winston Churchill
10555 An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
10556 in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
10559 An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
10560 when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
10561 several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
10562 despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
10563 usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
10564 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
10565 barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
10566 I've already paid them half of it."
10567 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
10568 euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
10570 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
10572 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
10573 anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
10574 already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
10575 engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
10576 the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
10577 has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
10578 mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
10579 was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
10580 humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
10581 trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
10583 An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
10585 An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
10586 summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
10587 arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
10588 responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
10590 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
10593 An evil mind is a great comfort.
10595 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He
10596 wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is
10597 advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and
10598 Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
10599 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
10602 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
10603 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
10604 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
10605 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
10606 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
10607 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
10608 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
10609 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
10610 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
10611 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
10612 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
10613 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
10615 An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
10617 ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
10621 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
10625 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
10626 as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
10627 -- Benjamin Stolberg
10629 An expert is one who knows more and more about less
10630 and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
10632 An eye in a blue face
10633 Saw an eye in a green face.
10634 "That eye is like this eye"
10635 Said the first eye,
10637 Not in high place."
10639 An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
10640 Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
10641 A manly man, to be a wizard able;
10642 Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
10643 His console, when he typed, a man might hear
10644 Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
10645 Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
10646 Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
10647 The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
10648 As old and strict he tended to ignore;
10649 He let go by the things of yesterday
10650 And took the modern world's more spacious way.
10651 He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
10652 Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
10653 And that a hacker underworked is a mere
10654 Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
10655 That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
10656 That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
10657 And I agreed and said his views were sound;
10658 Was he to study till his head wend round
10659 Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
10660 As Andy bade and till the very soil?
10661 Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
10662 Let Andy have his labor to himself!
10664 [well, almost. Ed.]
10666 An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
10669 There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
10670 bought they stay bought.
10673 An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
10674 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
10676 An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
10677 eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
10679 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
10681 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
10683 An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
10686 An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
10688 An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
10689 is to allow oneself to be devoured.
10692 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
10695 An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
10696 each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
10697 function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
10698 by the corresponding row and column labels.
10699 -- Genesereth & Nilsson,
10700 "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence"
10702 An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
10703 -- Benjamin Franklin
10705 An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
10706 great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
10707 a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
10708 have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
10709 hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
10710 of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
10711 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
10712 "Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
10713 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
10714 strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
10715 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
10716 man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
10717 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
10718 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
10721 An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
10724 An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
10725 A pessimist is a married optimist.
10727 An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
10729 An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
10732 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
10735 An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
10737 Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
10740 And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
10741 was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
10742 Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
10743 That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
10744 I've worried and worried and worried away.
10745 Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
10746 I've worried about it with all of my heart.
10748 "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
10749 the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
10750 UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
10751 nothing is going to get better - it's not.
10752 So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
10753 "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
10755 "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
10756 And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
10757 Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
10758 Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
10759 Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
10760 Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
10761 -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax"
10763 And as we stand on the edge of darkness
10764 Let our chant fill the void
10765 That others may know
10767 In the land of the night
10768 The ship of the sun
10771 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
10773 And did those feet, in ancient times,
10774 Walk upon England's mountains green?
10775 And was the Holy Lamb of God
10776 In England's pleasant pastures seen?
10777 And did the Countenance Divine
10778 Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
10779 And was Jerusalem builded here
10780 Among these dark satanic mills?
10782 Bring me my bow of burning gold!
10783 Bring me my arrows of desire!
10784 Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
10785 Bring me my chariot of fire!
10786 I shall not cease from mental fight,
10787 Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
10788 Till we have built Jerusalem
10789 In England's green and pleasant land.
10790 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
10792 And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
10794 And ever has it been known that
10795 love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
10798 And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
10799 "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
10800 to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
10801 greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
10802 spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
10803 he shouted out, "YOPP!"
10804 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
10805 Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
10806 They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
10807 I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
10808 whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
10809 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
10810 on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
10811 them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
10812 the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
10813 them. No matter how small-ish!"
10814 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
10816 And here I wait so patiently
10817 Waiting to find out what price
10818 You have to pay to get out of
10819 Going thru all of these things twice
10820 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
10822 And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
10824 And I heard Jeff exclaim,
10825 As they strolled out of sight,
10826 "Merry Christmas to all --
10827 You take credit cards, right?"
10828 -- "Outsiders" comic
10830 And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
10831 ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
10832 little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
10833 them, aren't braced against them.
10834 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
10836 And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
10837 My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
10838 Addams -- he was good for nothing."
10839 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
10841 And if California slides into the ocean,
10842 Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
10843 I predict this motel will be standing,
10844 Until I've paid my bill.
10845 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
10847 And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
10848 "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
10852 As I am heading for the sink.
10853 I am spitting out all the bitterness,
10854 Along with half of my last drink.
10856 And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
10857 Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
10860 And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
10861 what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
10864 And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
10867 And miles to go before I sleep.
10869 And now for something completely the same.
10871 And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
10872 And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
10873 The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
10874 And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
10876 We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
10877 The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
10878 But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
10879 Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
10881 Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
10882 And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
10883 Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
10884 We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
10886 Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
10887 We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
10888 Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
10889 You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
10892 And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
10894 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
10896 And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
10898 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
10901 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show
10902 Mama'd come to school
10903 and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
10904 Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
10905 Got a good head if he'd apply it
10906 but you know yourself
10907 it's always somewhere else
10908 I'd build me a castle
10909 with dragons and kings
10910 and I'd ride off with them
10911 As I stood by my window
10912 and looked out on those
10914 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
10916 And so it was, later,
10917 As the miller told his tale,
10918 That her face, at first just ghostly,
10919 Turned a whiter shade of pale.
10922 And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
10923 fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
10924 looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
10925 approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
10926 is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
10927 of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
10928 gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
10929 procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
10930 youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
10932 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
10934 And that's the way it is...
10937 And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
10938 turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
10939 the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
10940 clothes! He is naked!"
10941 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
10943 And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
10944 black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
10945 penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
10946 white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
10947 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
10948 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
10950 And the silence came surging softly backwards
10951 When the plunging hooves were gone...
10952 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
10954 And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
10955 with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
10957 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
10958 rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
10959 which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
10960 in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
10961 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
10963 And this is good old Boston,
10964 The home of the bean and the cod,
10965 Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
10966 And the Cabots talk only to God.
10968 And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
10969 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
10971 And we heard him exclaim
10972 As he started to roam:
10973 "I'm a hologram, kids,
10974 please don't try this at home!'"
10977 And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
10978 ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
10979 Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
10980 economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
10981 give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
10982 of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
10983 exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
10984 and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
10985 without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
10986 afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
10987 loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
10988 engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
10989 shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
10990 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
10992 And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
10993 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
10994 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
10995 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
10996 -- The Grateful Dead
10998 And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
10999 have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
11000 the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
11001 loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
11002 in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
11003 license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
11006 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
11007 a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
11008 tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
11009 tragedy face to face, we have politics.
11010 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
11011 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
11013 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
11014 because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
11016 "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
11017 you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
11018 and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
11020 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
11022 Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
11023 Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _
\bn_
\be_
\be_
\bd_
\bs heroes.
11024 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
11026 Andrea's Admonition:
11027 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
11028 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
11029 it isn't and he can.
11034 Angels we have heard on High
11035 Tell us to go out and Buy.
11038 Anger is momentary madness.
11041 Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
11043 Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
11044 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
11047 Ankh if you love Isis.
11049 Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
11051 Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
11053 Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
11054 just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs,
11055 cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
11056 at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
11057 think you can, and that's the point, right?)
11060 To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
11062 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11064 Another day, another dollar.
11065 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
11066 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
11069 Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build
11070 and nobody wants to do maintenance.
11071 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Hocus Pocus"
11073 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
11075 Another megabytes the dust.
11077 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
11078 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
11079 and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
11080 offers whiter teeth *_
\ba_
\bn_
\bd* fresher breath.
11081 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
11083 Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
11086 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
11089 Anthony's Law of Force:
11090 Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
11092 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
11093 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
11094 corner of the workshop.
11097 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
11100 Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
11101 Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
11103 Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
11106 Was tired of living alonio
11107 He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
11108 Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio
11109 Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
11111 Sitting and knitting alonio.
11113 Said if you will be my ownio
11114 I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio
11115 And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
11116 An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
11118 Is that you will quickly begonio.
11120 Uttered a dismal moanio
11121 And went off and hid
11122 Or I'm told that he did
11123 In the Antarctical Zonio.
11126 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
11128 Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
11129 [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
11130 Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
11131 cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
11132 Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
11133 them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
11134 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
11135 cars across Europe.
11137 Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
11138 which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
11140 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
11143 Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
11144 mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
11145 than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
11146 And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
11147 Is there a better way to die?
11148 -- Charles Lindbergh
11150 Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
11151 representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
11152 representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
11153 capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
11154 -- Richard Schickel
11156 Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
11159 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
11160 this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
11163 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
11166 Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
11170 Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
11174 Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
11176 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche
11177 -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance,
11178 my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off
11179 the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was
11183 Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
11185 Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
11186 rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
11187 of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
11188 requires a heroism which is transcendent.
11189 -- Henry Ward Beecher
11191 Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
11192 -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields
11194 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
11195 liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
11196 be deemed to be a cat.
11197 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
11199 Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
11200 -- Sydney J. Harris
11202 Any president should have the right to shoot
11203 at least two people a year without explanation.
11204 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
11206 Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
11209 Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer
11213 Any program which runs right is obsolete.
11215 Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
11217 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
11218 Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
11219 From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
11220 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
11222 Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger
11225 Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
11226 exactly the point of most pressure.
11229 Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
11231 Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
11234 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
11236 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
11237 -- Arthur C. Clarke
11239 Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason
11240 given proper legal counsel.
11241 -- Alfred Perlstein
11243 Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
11246 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
11247 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
11249 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
11251 Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
11252 has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
11255 Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
11256 organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
11259 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
11260 sight of a police car is probably parked.
11262 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
11264 Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
11265 person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
11266 and in the right way -- that is not easy.
11269 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
11270 supposed to be doing at the moment.
11273 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
11276 Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
11279 Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the
11280 first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
11281 explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
11282 intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
11283 thought on every occasion.
11284 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
11286 Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
11288 Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my
11289 extremely humble opinion.
11292 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
11293 is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
11294 make messes in the house.
11295 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
11297 Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
11298 -- Robert A. Heinlein
11300 Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence.
11301 -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry
11303 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
11306 Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
11307 that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
11308 is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
11309 mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
11310 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
11312 Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
11313 knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
11316 Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
11319 Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
11320 as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
11321 -- Philippus Paracelsus
11323 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
11324 account be allowed to do the job.
11325 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
11327 Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
11328 recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
11329 particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
11330 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
11332 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
11335 Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
11336 tried taking candy from a baby.
11339 Anything anybody can say about America is true.
11342 Anything cut to length will be too short.
11344 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
11346 Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
11348 Anything is possible on paper.
11351 Anything is possible, unless it's not.
11353 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
11354 The label means the price went up.
11355 The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
11356 means the price went way up.
11358 Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
11360 Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
11361 undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
11362 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
11364 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
11366 Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
11367 big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
11368 nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
11369 cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
11370 over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
11371 going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
11372 all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
11373 but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
11374 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
11376 Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
11377 If you want to come, you're not invited.
11379 Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.
11382 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
11383 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
11386 A concise, clever statement.
11388 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
11389 -- James Alexander Thom
11391 APL hackers do it in the quad.
11393 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
11394 future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
11396 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
11398 APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
11399 ...and is best for educational purposes.
11402 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I
11403 can't read any of them.
11406 Appearances often are deceiving.
11410 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
11413 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
11414 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11416 April is the cruelest month...
11417 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
11419 Aquadextrous, adj.:
11420 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
11422 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
11424 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
11425 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
11426 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to
11427 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
11428 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
11430 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
11431 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
11432 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
11433 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
11434 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
11436 AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
11437 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
11438 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
11439 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
11440 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
11441 able to lend you a few bucks.
11443 Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
11444 ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
11445 cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
11446 cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
11447 then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
11448 never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
11451 Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
11452 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
11453 general can be said."
11455 ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
11456 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
11460 Are we running light with overbyte?
11463 In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
11464 representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
11465 The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
11468 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11469 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11471 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
11472 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
11473 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
11474 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
11475 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
11476 Don't you know any better?
11477 How could you be so stupid?
11478 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
11479 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
11480 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
11482 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11483 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11485 Do as I say, not as I do.
11486 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
11487 What did you do *this* time?
11488 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
11489 When I was your age...
11490 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
11491 Think of all the starving children in India.
11492 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
11493 I'm going to kill you.
11495 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
11497 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11498 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11500 Go away. You bother me.
11501 Why? Because life is unfair.
11502 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
11503 Children should be seen and not heard.
11504 You'll be the death of me.
11505 You'll understand when you're older.
11507 Wipe that smile off your face.
11508 I don't believe you.
11509 How many times have I told you to be careful?
11512 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11513 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11515 Good children always obey.
11516 Quit acting so childish.
11518 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
11519 Why do you have to know so much?
11520 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
11521 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
11522 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
11524 I'm only doing this because I love you.
11526 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11527 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11529 When are you going to grow up?
11530 I'm only doing this for your own good.
11531 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
11533 What's wrong with you?
11534 Someday you'll thank me for this.
11535 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
11536 Don't you have any sense at all?
11537 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
11538 Why? Because I said so.
11539 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
11541 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11542 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11544 You wouldn't understand.
11545 You ask too many questions.
11546 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
11547 That's for me to know and you to find out.
11548 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
11550 You're acting too big for your britches.
11551 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
11552 Wait till your father gets home.
11553 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
11554 Shape up or ship out.
11558 Are you making all this up as you go along?
11560 Are you sure the back door is locked?
11562 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
11563 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
11565 Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
11566 in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
11569 Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
11570 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
11572 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
11573 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You
11574 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are
11577 ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
11578 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
11579 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
11580 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
11583 An obscure art no longer practiced in
11584 the world's developed countries.
11586 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
11590 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
11592 Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
11593 autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
11598 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
11600 Armstrong's Collection Law:
11601 If the check is truly in the mail,
11602 it is surely made out to someone else.
11604 Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
11605 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
11606 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
11607 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
11610 Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
11611 measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
11612 imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
11613 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11615 Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
11616 a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
11617 one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
11618 to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
11620 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
11621 flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
11623 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
11624 And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
11625 instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
11626 piece would be better known as:
11627 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
11629 Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
11630 incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
11631 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
11633 Art is a jealous mistress.
11634 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
11636 Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
11639 Art is anything you can get away with.
11640 -- Marshall McLuhan
11642 Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
11645 Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
11648 "Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
11649 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
11651 Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
11653 Arthur's Laws of Love:
11654 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
11655 remind them of someone else.
11656 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
11657 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
11658 yourself in person.
11661 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
11662 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
11663 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
11664 Article the Fourth:
11665 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
11666 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
11667 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
11669 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
11670 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
11671 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
11672 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
11673 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
11675 Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
11676 artificial flowers have to flowers.
11679 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
11681 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
11683 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
11684 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
11685 perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
11686 "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
11687 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
11689 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
11690 I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
11691 This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
11694 As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
11695 a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
11696 Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
11698 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
11699 with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
11700 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
11701 a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
11703 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
11704 fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
11705 firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
11706 NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
11708 As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
11709 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
11711 As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
11712 the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
11713 a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
11716 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
11717 certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
11720 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
11723 As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
11724 -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear"
11726 As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
11727 We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
11728 -- Frederic Reynolds
11730 As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
11731 of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
11734 As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
11736 As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
11739 As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
11740 religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
11741 methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
11742 to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
11743 years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
11744 untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
11745 and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
11746 high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
11747 surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
11750 As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
11751 pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
11754 As I thought, no better from this side.
11757 As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
11758 Feeling worse and worser,
11759 There I met a C.R.T.
11760 And it drop't me a cursor.
11763 Phosphors light on you!
11764 If I had fifty hours a day
11765 I'd spend them all at you.
11766 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
11768 As I was passing Project MAC,
11769 I met a Quux with seven hacks.
11770 Every hack had seven bugs;
11771 Every bug had seven manifestations;
11772 Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
11773 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
11774 How many losses at Project MAC?
11776 As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
11777 I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
11778 The words were torn and tattered,
11779 From the storm the night before,
11780 The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
11782 Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
11783 Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
11784 Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
11785 And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
11787 Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
11788 Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
11789 Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
11790 And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
11792 As in certain cults it is possible to
11793 kill a process if you know its true name.
11794 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
11796 As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
11797 smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
11798 in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
11799 norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
11800 computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
11801 IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
11802 standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
11803 standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
11804 allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
11805 innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
11806 imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
11807 images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
11808 on the austerity of the word.
11809 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
11811 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
11812 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free
11813 speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to
11814 myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a
11815 real American talk like that.
11816 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
11818 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
11820 As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
11821 schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
11822 The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
11824 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
11825 When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
11826 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
11828 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11829 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11830 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11832 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11834 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
11835 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
11836 3. Some people never look at me.
11837 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
11838 5. My sex life is A-okay.
11839 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11840 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
11841 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11842 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
11843 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11844 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
11845 12. I cannot read or write.
11846 13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
11847 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
11848 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
11849 16. I am never startled by a fish.
11850 17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
11851 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
11852 19. People who break the law are wise guys.
11853 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11855 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11856 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11857 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11859 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11861 1. I think beavers work too hard.
11862 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
11864 4. I like mannish children.
11865 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
11866 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
11867 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
11868 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
11869 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
11870 10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11871 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
11873 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
11874 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
11875 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
11876 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
11877 16. My eyes are always cold.
11878 17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11879 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11880 19. I am never startled by a fish.
11881 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11883 As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
11884 The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
11885 It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
11886 An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
11887 Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
11888 Follow it through, me canny lad O;
11889 Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
11890 Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
11891 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
11893 As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
11894 Please update your programs.
11896 As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
11897 Please update your programs.
11899 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
11901 As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
11902 the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
11904 News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
11906 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
11907 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
11908 Keywords: C sources
11911 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
11912 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
11913 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
11914 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
11916 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
11917 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
11918 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
11921 As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
11922 a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
11923 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
11924 conversion to a new computer system.
11926 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
11927 I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
11928 Of society offenders who might well be underground
11929 And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
11930 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
11932 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
11933 as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
11934 discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
11935 part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
11937 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
11939 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
11940 because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
11943 As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
11944 bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
11945 or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
11946 version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
11947 component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
11948 efficient test cases will usually be available.
11949 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
11951 As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
11952 is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
11953 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11955 As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
11956 as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
11957 but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
11958 with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
11960 -- Benjamin Franklin
11962 As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
11963 -- Miguel de Cervantes
11965 As Will Rogers would have said,"There is no such thing as a free
11968 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple
11969 memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
11970 to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
11971 E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
11972 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
11974 As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
11975 but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
11978 As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
11979 interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
11980 Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
11981 out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
11982 Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
11983 organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
11984 birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
11985 see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
11986 stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
11987 with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
11988 talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
11989 highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
11990 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
11993 As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
11994 your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
11995 The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
11996 with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
11997 from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
11998 over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
11999 a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
12000 spider is suing you for damages.
12002 As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
12003 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
12005 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
12007 Ascend to the high mountain pass,
12008 Cross the shallow side of the wide ocean.
12009 Do not give up to the great distance:
12010 It's by going that you will reach your aim.
12011 Be not discouraged by human frailty:
12012 You will overcome it if you try to.
12013 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
12016 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
12017 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
12018 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
12022 ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
12024 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
12026 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
12027 If God won't have you, the devil must.
12029 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
12030 one went to Harvard).
12031 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
12033 Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
12034 will pay only the station-to-station rate.
12037 Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
12039 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ...
12040 if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
12042 Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
12045 Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
12048 Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
12049 -- John Stuart Mill
12051 Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
12052 woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
12053 she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
12056 Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
12057 said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
12058 released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
12059 right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
12060 learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
12061 writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
12062 newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
12063 bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
12064 chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
12065 as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
12066 everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
12067 the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
12068 and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
12069 couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
12070 two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
12071 -- Garrison Keillor
12073 Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
12074 lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
12075 -- Christopher Hampton
12078 The masculine of "lass".
12080 Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
12081 and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
12084 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
12085 Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
12086 strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
12087 Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
12091 Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
12093 Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
12094 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
12096 At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
12097 solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
12098 take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
12099 available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
12100 In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
12101 is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
12102 relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
12103 a computer problem?"
12104 "Remember the twin paradox?"
12105 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
12106 fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
12107 that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
12108 computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
12109 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
12110 the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
12112 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
12114 At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
12115 not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
12116 it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
12117 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
12119 At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
12120 my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
12121 ignorance upon the shore.
12124 At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
12125 We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
12126 around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
12127 least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
12129 It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
12130 while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
12131 crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
12132 have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
12133 `more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
12134 Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
12135 function as a normal person.
12137 I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
12138 you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
12143 At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
12144 the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
12145 quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
12147 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
12149 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
12150 challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
12151 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
12153 At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
12154 "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
12157 At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
12160 At least they're _
\bE_
\bX_
\bP_
\bE_
\bR_
\bI_
\bE_
\bN_
\bC_
\bE_
\bD incompetents.
12162 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
12163 thumb with a hammer.
12164 -- Marshall Lumsden
12166 At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
12167 especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
12168 -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
12169 in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
12170 after fact and reason.
12173 At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
12174 coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
12177 At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
12178 and no further activities are scheduled.
12180 At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
12181 The image of Providing Nourishment.
12182 Thus the superior man is careful of his words
12183 And temperate in eating and drinking.
12185 At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
12186 contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
12187 or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
12188 of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
12189 nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
12190 world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
12191 enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
12193 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
12195 At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
12196 to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
12197 die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
12198 room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
12199 The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
12200 grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
12201 You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
12202 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
12204 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
12205 opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
12206 his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
12207 guess who's going to die soon!"
12209 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
12210 find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
12213 At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
12214 -- Peter G. Alaquon
12216 At times discretion should be thrown aside,
12217 and with the foolish we should play the fool.
12220 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
12221 number of pens that person is carrying.
12223 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12226 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
12228 Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
12231 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
12232 -- Winston Churchill
12234 Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
12235 to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
12238 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
12239 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
12240 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
12241 suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
12242 is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
12243 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
12246 A gyp off the old block.
12248 Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
12252 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
12254 Auribus teneo lupum.
12255 [I hold a wolf by the ears.]
12258 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
12260 Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
12261 depths they were once able to plumb.
12264 Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
12265 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
12268 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
12272 Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
12274 Avoid cliches like the plague.
12275 They're a dime a dozen.
12277 Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
12279 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
12280 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12282 Avoid reality at all costs.
12284 Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
12285 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
12286 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
12288 Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
12290 Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
12291 ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
12292 to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
12293 mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
12295 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
12296 bad fiction contest.
12299 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
12301 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12304 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
12307 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
12309 Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
12310 that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
12311 correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
12312 invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
12313 West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
12314 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
12315 Business before pleasure."
12317 Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
12318 military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
12319 who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
12320 Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
12321 problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
12322 written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
12323 (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
12324 types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
12325 the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
12326 the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
12327 never really caught on.
12329 Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
12330 uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
12332 BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
12333 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
12335 Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
12337 BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
12339 Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
12340 whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
12344 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
12345 intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
12346 bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
12347 obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
12348 bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
12351 Bagdikian's Observation:
12352 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
12353 newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a
12356 Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
12357 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
12359 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
12360 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
12366 Fear of opening one's eyes.
12370 Fear of being buried alive.
12379 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
12381 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
12383 Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
12384 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
12385 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
12388 The removal of bruises on a banana.
12389 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12391 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
12394 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
12396 Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
12397 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
12398 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
12399 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
12400 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
12402 Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
12403 floor -- especially in the dark.
12406 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
12409 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
12411 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12413 Barth's Distinction:
12414 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
12415 types, and those who don't.
12417 Baruch's Observation:
12418 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
12420 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
12423 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
12426 Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
12427 Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
12429 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
12430 (2) Advising the President.
12431 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
12434 Basic Definitions of Science:
12435 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
12436 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
12437 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
12439 Basic is a high level languish.
12440 APL is a high level anguish.
12442 BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism."
12444 BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
12448 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
12449 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
12451 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
12452 come in and sink my boats.
12456 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
12457 faucet is turned on to a certain point.
12458 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12460 Batteries not included.
12463 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
12464 will not yield to the tongue.
12465 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12467 Be a better psychiatrist and the world
12468 will beat a psychopath to your door.
12470 BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
12472 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
12474 Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
12475 get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
12477 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12479 Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
12482 Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
12484 Be careful! Is it classified?
12486 Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
12488 Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
12489 situations that can't bear inspection.
12491 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
12494 Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
12495 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
12497 Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
12499 Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
12502 Be cautious in your daily affairs.
12504 Be cheerful while you are alive.
12505 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
12507 Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
12508 to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
12511 Be different: conform.
12513 Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
12514 the issue afterwards.
12516 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
12517 Things won't get any better so get used to it.
12519 Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
12522 Insult a rich relative today.
12524 Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
12525 nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
12527 Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
12530 Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
12531 -- Pope St. Gregory I
12533 Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
12535 Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
12536 Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
12538 Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
12539 and original in your work.
12542 Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
12544 Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
12547 Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
12549 Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
12551 Be valiant, but not too venturous.
12552 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
12556 In marketing: A small piece of a market over which you gain
12557 control and from which you go out to control other pieces of
12560 In war: Where soldiers die.
12562 Beam me up, Scotty!
12564 Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
12566 Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
12568 Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
12571 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
12573 Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
12575 Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
12577 Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
12580 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
12581 Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
12584 Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
12588 Because I do not hope,
12589 Because I do not hope to survive
12590 Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
12591 Because I do, only do,
12595 Because the wine remembers.
12597 Because we don't think about future generations,
12598 they will never forget us.
12602 What did you bring back for me?
12604 Been Transferred Lately?
12606 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
12608 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
12610 Bees are very busy souls
12611 They have no time for birth controls
12612 And that is why in times like these
12613 There are so many Sons of Bees.
12615 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
12616 -- Addison H. Hallock
12618 Before destruction a man's heart is
12619 haughty, but humility goes before honour.
12622 ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
12623 or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
12624 did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
12625 manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
12626 this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
12630 Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
12632 Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
12633 they are "Let's eat out."
12635 Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
12636 starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
12638 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
12640 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
12642 Before you ask more questions, think about whether
12643 you really want to know the answers.
12644 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
12646 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
12647 That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
12651 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
12652 you won't have to watch commercials.
12654 Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
12655 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
12657 Beggars should be no choosers.
12660 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
12662 Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
12664 Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
12666 Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
12667 is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
12668 the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
12672 Behold the warranty -- the bold print
12673 giveth and the fine print taketh away.
12675 Beifeld's Principle:
12676 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
12677 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
12678 already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
12679 looking and richer male friend.
12681 Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
12683 Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
12684 stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
12685 opposite applies with the judges.
12686 -- Beyond the Fringe
12688 Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
12689 since it consists principally of dealings with men.
12692 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
12693 to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
12694 and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
12695 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
12696 seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
12698 Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
12699 if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
12700 has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
12701 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
12703 "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
12705 Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
12706 disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
12708 Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
12709 enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
12712 Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
12713 Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
12716 Being owned by someone used to be called
12717 slavery -- now it's called commitment.
12719 Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
12721 Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
12722 standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
12723 -- unnamed Justice Department official
12725 Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
12728 Something you do not believe.
12730 Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
12732 -- Honore de Balzac
12734 Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
12736 Ben, why didn't you tell me?
12739 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
12740 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
12741 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
12742 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
12744 Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.
12748 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
12750 Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break
12751 Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It
12753 Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
12754 to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
12757 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
12758 none of his friends like him either.
12761 Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
12762 transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
12763 Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken
12764 place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
12765 surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
12766 MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
12767 For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
12768 rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
12769 "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
12770 after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
12771 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
12772 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
12773 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
12774 "The test or the room?"
12775 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
12776 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
12777 Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
12778 great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
12779 tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
12781 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
12784 Bershere's Formula for Failure:
12785 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
12786 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
12788 Besides the device, the box should contain:
12789 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
12790 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
12791 and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
12793 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
12795 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
12796 spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
12797 that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
12798 without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
12801 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
12802 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
12804 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
12805 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
12806 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
12807 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
12808 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
12809 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
12810 victuals being spent and especially our beer."
12811 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
12813 Best Mistakes In Films
12814 In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
12815 four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
12817 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
12818 street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
12819 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
12820 with television aerials.
12821 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
12822 fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
12824 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
12825 clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
12826 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
12828 Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.
12831 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
12832 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
12833 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
12835 Better by far you should forget and
12836 smile than that you should remember and be sad.
12837 -- Christina Rossetti
12839 Better dead than mellow.
12841 Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
12842 around while you have your life in such a mess.
12844 Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
12846 Better late than never.
12847 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
12849 Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
12854 santa claus <north pole >town
12856 cat /etc/passwd >list
12859 cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
12860 cat list | grep nice >giftlist
12861 santa claus <north pole >town
12863 who | grep sleeping
12865 who | egrep 'bad|good'
12866 for (goodness sake) {
12870 Better the prince of some inferior court,
12871 Than second, or less, in beatific light.
12872 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
12874 Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
12876 Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
12877 -- motto of the Christopher Society
12879 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
12881 Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
12884 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
12885 Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
12886 Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
12887 great effort pushing boulders into a single word.
12889 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
12890 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
12891 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
12892 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
12893 both Parliament and Party.
12895 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
12896 planets, this may be the first message received from us.
12897 -- The Realist, November, 1964
12899 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
12901 Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
12909 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
12911 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
12912 referring to system service dispatching.]
12914 BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
12916 Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
12918 Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
12920 Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
12922 Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
12923 a new wearer of clothes.
12924 -- Henry David Thoreau
12928 Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
12932 Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
12934 Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
12936 Beware of geeks bearing graft.
12938 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
12940 Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
12941 danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
12942 the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
12945 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
12946 -- Leonard Brandwein
12948 Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
12949 drip under pressure.
12951 Beware of strong drink. It can make you
12952 shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
12953 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
12955 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
12957 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
12958 is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
12960 Beware the new TTY code!
12962 Beware the one behind you.
12965 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
12967 Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
12968 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
12969 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
12970 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
12972 Big book, big bore.
12975 Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
12976 Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
12979 Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
12981 Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
12984 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
12986 Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
12987 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season
12989 Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
12990 generation to generation?
12992 Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
12995 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
12997 Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
12998 and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
12999 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
13002 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
13004 Biology grows on you.
13006 Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
13010 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
13013 Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
13014 nightgowns do with keeping warm.
13015 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
13017 Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
13020 The first and direst of all disasters.
13021 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13023 Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
13025 Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
13026 behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
13027 absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
13028 time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
13029 time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
13030 on the observer's movement in restaurants.
13031 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
13034 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
13035 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
13036 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
13039 Bit off more than my mind could chew,
13040 Shower or suicide, what do I do?
13041 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
13045 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
13048 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
13050 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13052 Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
13053 are involved in when they burn stores.
13056 Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
13057 Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
13058 Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
13059 They were just some of my tropical fish.
13061 Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
13062 Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
13063 Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
13064 Now I have many less tropical fish.
13068 That's an empty wish.
13069 Just dump them together
13070 And leave them alone,
13071 And soon you will have -- no fish.
13072 -- To My Favorite Things
13074 Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
13075 The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
13076 A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
13077 She wants to hit those bricks,
13078 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
13079 While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
13080 The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
13081 I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
13082 I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
13083 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
13085 Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
13087 Blessed are the forgetful: for they
13088 get the better even of their blunders.
13089 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
13091 Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
13094 Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
13096 -- James Russell Lowell
13098 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
13099 for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
13101 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
13104 Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
13107 Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
13108 for he shall enjoy living.
13111 Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
13112 abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
13115 Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
13118 BLISS is ignorance.
13121 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
13122 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
13123 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
13125 Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
13127 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
13129 Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
13130 The judge's jokes are always funny.
13133 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
13136 Blow it out your ear.
13139 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
13142 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
13144 Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
13145 plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
13146 it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
13147 arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
13148 throwing up on them.
13150 Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
13152 Boling's postulate:
13153 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
13155 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
13156 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
13157 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
13159 Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
13160 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
13162 Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
13163 seemed to come from Texas.
13164 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
13166 Bondage maybe, discipline never!
13169 Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
13171 BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
13174 You always find something in the last place you look.
13177 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
13180 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
13184 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
13185 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13188 (1) When in charge, ponder.
13189 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
13190 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
13193 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
13194 the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
13195 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
13199 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
13202 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
13203 finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
13205 Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
13206 that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
13207 straightened out for a crowbar.
13210 Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
13211 interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
13212 on the same communications line connection.
13213 -- Bell System Technical Reference
13215 Boucher's Observation:
13216 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
13217 several octaves higher than originally written.
13219 Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
13223 Talent goes where the action is.
13226 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
13230 Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
13231 You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13232 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
13233 To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13234 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
13235 And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13236 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
13238 Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
13239 'Advanced Systems Development' group!
13241 Boy, life takes a long time to live.
13245 A noise with dirt on it.
13247 Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
13249 Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
13251 Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
13252 when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
13255 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
13258 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
13259 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
13260 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
13261 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
13262 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
13263 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
13264 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
13265 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
13266 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
13267 which is all the time.
13268 -- The Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
13270 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
13271 unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
13272 (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
13273 to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
13274 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
13278 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
13279 committee -- that will do them in.
13281 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
13282 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
13283 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have
13286 Brain fried -- core dumped
13289 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
13290 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13292 Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
13293 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
13294 of error in an opponent.
13295 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13297 brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
13298 theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
13300 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
13301 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
13302 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
13303 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
13305 Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
13306 is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
13307 off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
13308 single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
13309 kept going, sliding safely into third base.
13310 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
13311 bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
13312 Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
13313 took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
13314 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
13315 start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
13316 into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
13317 shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
13318 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
13320 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
13323 Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
13326 Break into jail and claim police brutality.
13328 Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
13329 since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
13330 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13332 Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
13333 Watch lights fade from every room.
13334 Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
13335 another day's useless energies spent.
13337 Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
13338 Lonely man cries for love and has none.
13339 New mother picks up and suckles her son.
13340 Senior citizens wish they were young.
13342 Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
13343 Removes the colors from our sight.
13344 Red is grey and yellow white.
13345 But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
13346 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
13348 Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
13351 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
13352 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13354 Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
13357 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
13359 Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
13360 data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
13361 an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
13362 and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
13363 which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
13364 in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
13365 hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
13366 construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
13367 assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
13368 only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
13369 of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
13370 analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
13371 appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
13374 Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
13375 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
13376 i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
13377 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
13379 "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
13380 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
13381 fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
13382 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
13383 -- "The Jabberwock"
13385 Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
13386 revitalize the corner saloon.
13388 Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
13389 more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
13390 If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
13391 brusque, your character.
13394 British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
13395 it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
13398 British Israelites:
13399 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
13400 Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
13401 Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
13402 believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
13403 Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
13404 the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your
13405 head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
13406 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13408 Broad-mindedness, n.:
13409 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
13412 People tend to congregate in the back
13413 of the church and the front of the bus.
13416 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
13418 Brontosaurus Principle:
13419 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
13420 in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
13421 this occurs, they are an endangered species.
13422 -- Thomas K. Connellan
13425 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
13426 discovers something which either abolishes the system or
13427 expands it beyond recognition.
13430 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
13433 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
13434 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
13435 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
13437 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
13438 (of one of the two other meanings).
13439 The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
13440 Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
13441 reviews just done in his spirit.
13443 BS: You remind me of a man.
13445 BS: The man with the power.
13447 BS: The power of voodoo.
13451 BS: Remind me of a man.
13453 BS: The man with the power...
13454 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
13457 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
13458 intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
13460 Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
13463 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
13466 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
13467 programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
13470 Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
13474 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
13475 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends when
13476 people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
13477 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
13480 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
13483 Building translators is good clean fun.
13486 BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
13488 GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
13489 BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
13490 -- Jay Ward, "Rocky and Bullwinkle"
13493 All the parts falling off this car are
13494 of the very finest British manufacture.
13496 Bunker's Admonition:
13497 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
13500 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
13501 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
13502 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
13504 Bureau Termination, Law of:
13505 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
13506 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
13507 12 months after the decision is made.
13510 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
13513 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
13517 A politician who has tenure.
13519 Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
13521 Burke's Postulates:
13522 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
13523 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
13525 Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
13526 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
13528 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
13529 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
13530 perfectly balanced.
13531 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
13534 Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
13537 Bus error -- driver executed.
13539 Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
13541 Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
13543 Business is a good game -- lots of competition
13544 and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
13545 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
13547 Business will be either better or worse.
13550 But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
13552 But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
13555 But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
13556 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
13558 But has any little atom,
13559 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
13560 Ever stopped to think or CARE
13563 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
13564 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
13565 kill more than I could eat.
13568 But I don't like Spam!!!!
13570 "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
13571 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
13572 "But I'm feeling much better..."
13573 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
13574 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
13576 But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
13577 back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
13578 what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
13579 to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
13580 true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
13581 theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
13582 even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
13583 crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
13584 that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
13585 with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
13586 everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
13587 therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
13589 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
13591 But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
13592 nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
13593 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
13595 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
13596 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
13597 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
13599 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
13604 But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
13606 But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
13607 In proving foresight may be vain:
13608 The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
13610 An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
13612 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
13614 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
13616 But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
13618 But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
13619 to the nearest gas station.
13621 But scientists, who ought to know
13622 Assure us that it must be so.
13623 Oh, let us never, never doubt
13624 What nobody is sure about.
13627 But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
13629 But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
13630 frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
13633 But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
13634 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
13635 But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
13636 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
13638 But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
13639 was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
13640 education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
13641 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
13642 American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
13643 invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
13644 invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
13645 adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
13646 electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
13647 electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
13648 part) sends it right back to the customer again.
13650 This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
13651 of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
13652 very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
13653 In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
13654 States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
13655 ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
13657 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
13659 But these pills can't be habit forming;
13660 I've been taking them for years.
13662 But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
13663 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
13664 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
13665 is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
13666 enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
13667 Have I explained yet about the bytes?
13669 But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
13672 But you shall not escape my iambics.
13673 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
13675 But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
13676 reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
13677 those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
13678 -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
13680 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
13681 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
13682 Less dear than army ants in apple pies
13683 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
13684 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
13685 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
13686 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
13687 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
13688 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
13689 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
13690 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
13691 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
13692 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
13693 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
13696 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
13698 By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
13699 completely overwhelm you.
13701 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
13703 By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
13704 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
13705 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
13708 By nature, men are nearly alike;
13709 by practice, they get to be wide apart.
13712 By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
13713 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
13714 as it is to invent.
13715 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
13716 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
13717 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
13718 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
13719 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
13721 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
13722 -- Charles Spurgeon
13724 By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
13725 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
13727 By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
13728 to suspect "Hungry" ...
13729 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
13731 By the time you swear you're his,
13732 shivering and sighing
13733 and he vows his passion is
13734 infinite, undying --
13735 Lady, make a note of this:
13736 One of you is lying.
13737 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
13739 By the yard, life is hard.
13740 By the inch, it's a cinch.
13742 By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
13743 Another man's, I mean.
13746 By working faithfully eight hours a day,
13747 you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
13751 Believing Your Own Bull
13753 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
13754 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
13755 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
13756 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
13757 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
13758 that so many people from point A are so keen to get _
\bt_
\bh_
\be_
\br_
\be. They often
13759 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
13761 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13763 BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
13764 carefully print the chaff.
13775 C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
13777 C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
13778 harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
13779 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
13782 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
13783 like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
13784 anything else. It is either the best language available to the art
13785 today, or it isn't.
13789 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
13791 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13793 Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.
13794 -- The Mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
13797 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
13798 is supposed to know is there.
13800 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
13804 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
13805 Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
13806 "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
13809 Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
13810 and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
13813 Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
13816 Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
13817 current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
13819 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
13822 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
13823 referring to logical names.]
13825 Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
13826 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
13828 Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
13829 Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
13830 Calm down, and speak to me in English,
13831 Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
13833 Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
13834 Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
13835 Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
13837 Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
13838 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
13840 Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
13845 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
13847 Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
13849 Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
13853 Can anyone remember when the times
13854 were not hard, and money not scarce?
13856 Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
13857 Yes, work never begun.
13859 "Can you be more stupid than aggravating the judge AND your lawyer?
13860 No? Oh yes you can: You can aggravate the whole kernel community."
13861 -- Alexander Lyamin (about Hans Reisers murder trial)
13863 Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
13864 only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
13865 -- Robert J. Ringer
13867 Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
13868 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
13870 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
13871 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
13873 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
13874 It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
13875 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
13877 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
13878 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
13879 A root or two, a torus and a node:
13880 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
13881 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13883 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13884 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
13885 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
13886 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
13887 when you're poor and unhappy.
13889 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13890 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
13891 problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
13892 off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
13893 recipients are Cancer people.
13896 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true
13897 story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some
13898 annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a
13899 point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and
13900 eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used
13901 the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking.
13902 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
13903 Stallman: "What did he say?"
13904 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
13906 Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
13907 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test
13908 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
13910 Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
13912 Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat.
13914 Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
13915 the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
13916 -- John Maynard Keynes
13918 CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
13919 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
13920 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
13921 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
13922 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
13923 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
13925 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
13926 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
13927 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
13928 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
13930 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
13931 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
13932 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
13933 importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
13934 they tend to take root and become trees.
13936 Captain Penny's Law:
13937 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
13938 the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
13940 Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
13942 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
13943 expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
13944 complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
13945 planning to reduce the time it takes.
13947 Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
13948 trousers that don't match.
13950 Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
13951 the name Craney incorrectly.
13954 Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
13955 fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
13956 the same can be said of dirt.
13958 Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
13959 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
13960 dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
13961 putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
13962 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13964 Carson's Consolation:
13965 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
13966 It can always be used as a bad example.
13968 Carson's Observation on Footwear:
13969 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
13971 Carswell's Corollary:
13972 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
13973 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
13976 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
13978 Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
13981 Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
13984 Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
13986 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
13987 -- Garrison Keillor
13989 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
13990 a sled through the snow.
13992 Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
13994 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
13995 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
13997 Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
13999 Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
14001 CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
14003 CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
14005 Cecil, you're my final hope
14006 Of finding out the true Straight Dope
14007 For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
14008 But none of my cats are at all like that.
14009 This unusual animal (so it is said)
14010 Is simultaneously alive and dead!
14011 What I don't understand is just why he
14012 Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
14013 My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
14014 In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
14015 If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
14016 And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
14017 But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
14018 Then I will *_
\ba_
\bn_
\bd* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
14019 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
14020 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
14022 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
14024 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
14025 center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation
14026 works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
14027 -- Kelvin Throop III
14029 Census Taker to Housewife:
14030 Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
14032 Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
14034 Cerebral atrophy, n.:
14035 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
14036 impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
14037 symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
14038 performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
14039 everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
14040 and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
14041 victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
14043 Cerebral darwinism, n.:
14044 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
14045 through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
14046 alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
14047 the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
14048 first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
14049 imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
14050 Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
14051 performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
14053 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
14054 Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something
14055 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
14058 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
14059 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
14061 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
14062 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
14063 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
14064 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
14065 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
14066 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
14067 others who have tried it.
14068 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14070 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
14071 most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
14072 Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
14073 reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
14074 nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
14075 but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
14076 nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
14077 -- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973
14079 Certainly the game is rigged.
14080 Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
14081 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
14083 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
14084 but it's very funny --
14085 Did you ever try buying them without money?
14088 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
14090 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
14091 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
14093 CF&C stole it, fair and square.
14096 Chairman of the Bored.
14098 Chamberlain's Laws:
14099 1: The big guys always win.
14100 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
14102 Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
14105 Change your thoughts and you change your world.
14107 Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
14110 Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
14112 Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
14114 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
14115 Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
14116 that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
14117 quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
14118 mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
14119 a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
14120 can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
14123 Character density, n.:
14124 The number of very weird people in the office.
14126 Character is what you are in the dark!
14127 -- Lord John Whorfin
14129 Charity begins at home.
14130 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
14133 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
14135 Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
14136 Linus: To make others happy.
14137 Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
14139 Charlie was a chemist,
14140 But Charlie is no more.
14141 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
14143 Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
14144 without having asked any clear question.
14146 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
14148 Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
14149 they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
14152 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
14153 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
14155 Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
14157 Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
14158 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
14161 Any cook who swears in French.
14164 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
14165 the next time he's in need.
14168 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
14170 Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
14172 Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
14174 Chemistry is applied theology.
14175 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
14177 Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
14180 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
14184 Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
14187 Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
14189 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
14190 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
14191 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
14192 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
14194 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
14195 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
14196 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
14197 cheerfully baste you.
14198 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
14200 Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
14201 Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
14203 Chicken Little only has to be right once.
14205 Chicken Little was right.
14208 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
14209 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
14210 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
14211 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
14213 Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
14214 shivers when it's warm.
14216 Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
14217 them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
14219 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
14220 despite every effort to teach them good manners.
14222 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
14223 going to catch you in next.
14224 -- Franklin P. Jones
14226 Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
14227 And that's what parents were created for.
14230 Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
14231 Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
14234 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
14235 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
14237 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
14238 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
14240 Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
14242 Chism's Law of Completion:
14243 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
14244 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
14246 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
14247 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
14249 Chivalry, Schmivalry!
14250 Roger the thief has a
14253 Folks who are reading are
14255 Always Forgetting to
14256 Guard their own bac ...
14260 Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
14261 a friend if she were a man.
14265 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
14266 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
14267 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
14268 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
14269 She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
14270 And we begged her not to go.
14271 But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
14272 And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
14273 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
14274 And incriminating claus-marks on her
14275 Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
14276 He's been taking this so well.
14277 See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
14278 Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
14279 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
14280 They should never give a license,
14281 To a man who drives a sleigh and
14283 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
14286 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
14288 Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
14290 Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
14291 -- George Bernard Shaw
14293 Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
14294 Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
14295 Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
14296 Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
14298 On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
14299 Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
14300 There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
14301 The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
14303 It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
14304 It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
14305 Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
14306 What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
14307 Angels We Have Heard On High,
14308 Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
14309 Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
14310 Driving his reindeer across the sky,
14311 Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
14314 Churchill's Commentary on Man:
14315 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
14316 time he will pick himself up and continue on.
14319 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
14323 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
14324 covers the floors of movie theaters.
14325 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
14327 Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
14330 Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
14333 Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
14334 See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
14336 Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
14340 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
14341 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
14342 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14344 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
14345 aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
14348 Clarke's Conclusion:
14349 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
14351 Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
14352 Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
14355 Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
14356 leading the parade.
14359 Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
14360 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
14363 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
14365 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
14366 shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
14369 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
14373 Where their last tornado did six
14374 million dollars worth of improvements.
14376 Cleveland still lives. God _
\bm_
\bu_
\bs_
\bt be dead.
14379 Yes, I spent a week there one day.
14381 Climate and Surgery
14382 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
14383 received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
14384 the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
14385 day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
14386 riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
14387 recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
14388 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
14390 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
14391 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
14393 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
14394 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
14395 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
14396 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
14397 please?" it asked the bartender.
14398 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
14399 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
14400 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
14403 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
14404 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
14405 is a clone of our product."
14407 Clones are people two.
14409 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
14411 Clothes make the man.
14412 Naked people have little or no influence on society.
14415 Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
14416 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
14417 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
14418 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
14420 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
14421 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
14422 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
14424 Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
14425 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
14426 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
14428 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
14429 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
14430 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
14432 Coach: How's it going, Norm?
14433 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
14434 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
14436 Sam: What's up, Norm?
14437 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
14438 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
14440 Coach: What's the story, Norm?
14441 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
14442 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
14444 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
14445 Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
14446 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
14448 Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
14449 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
14450 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
14452 Sam: What will you have, Norm?
14453 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
14454 of whatever comes out of that tap.
14455 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
14456 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
14457 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
14459 Coach: What's up, Norm?
14460 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
14461 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
14463 Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
14464 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
14465 -- Cheers, Snow Job
14467 Coach: Beer, Normie?
14468 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
14469 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
14470 -- Cheers, Snow Job
14473 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
14476 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
14478 COBOL is for morons.
14479 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14481 COBOL programmers are down in the dumps.
14483 Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
14485 Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
14486 terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
14488 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
14489 "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
14490 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14492 Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
14496 There is no bottom to worse.
14499 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
14500 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
14501 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
14504 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
14507 Coincidences are spiritual puns.
14508 -- G. K. Chesterton
14511 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
14514 Cold hands, no gloves.
14517 Thinly sliced cabbage.
14520 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
14521 other fellow can spell.
14524 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
14526 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
14527 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
14528 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
14529 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
14534 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
14536 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
14538 Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
14540 0. integrated 0. management 0. options
14541 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
14542 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
14543 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
14544 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
14545 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
14546 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
14547 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
14548 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
14549 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
14551 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
14552 the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
14553 "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
14554 virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
14555 one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
14556 "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
14557 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
14559 Colvard's Logical Premises:
14560 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it
14563 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
14564 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
14567 Grelb's Commentary:
14568 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
14570 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
14571 And every vector dreams of matrices.
14572 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
14573 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
14574 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14576 Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
14577 Your winter garment of repentance fling.
14578 The bird of time has but a little way
14579 To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
14583 -- George McGovern, 1972
14585 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
14586 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
14587 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
14589 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
14590 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
14591 Their indices bedecked from one to _
\bn,
14592 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
14593 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14595 Come live with me, and be my love,
14596 And we will some new pleasures prove
14597 Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
14598 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14601 Come live with me and be my love,
14602 And we will some new pleasures prove
14603 Of golden sands and crystal brooks
14604 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14605 There's nothing that I wouldn't do
14606 If you would be my POSSLQ.
14608 You live with me, and I with you,
14609 And you will be my POSSLQ.
14610 I'll be your friend and so much more;
14611 That's what a POSSLQ is for.
14613 And everything we will confess;
14614 Yes, even to the IRS.
14615 Some day on what we both may earn,
14616 Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
14617 You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
14618 You'll share my life - up to a point!
14619 And that you'll be so glad to do,
14620 Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
14622 Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
14623 -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767)
14625 Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
14626 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne
14629 That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
14630 And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
14631 Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
14632 Stop up the access and passage to remorse
14633 That no compunctious visiting of nature
14634 Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
14635 The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
14636 And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
14637 Wherever in your sightless substances
14638 You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
14639 And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
14640 That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
14641 Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
14642 To cry `Hold, hold!'
14643 -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth"
14645 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
14647 Coming to Stores Near You:
14649 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
14651 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
14652 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
14653 I'm Not Misbehaving
14655 And A Whole Lot More...
14657 Coming together is a beginning;
14658 keeping together is progress;
14659 working together is success.
14662 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
14663 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
14665 Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
14666 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
14669 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
14670 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
14673 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
14674 decide that nothing can be done.
14678 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
14679 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
14680 stamps you as being wise.
14681 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
14683 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
14684 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
14685 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
14687 Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
14688 be appointed to do the work.
14690 Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
14691 different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
14694 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
14697 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
14700 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
14701 Everyone thinks he has enough.
14702 -- Rene Descartes, 1637
14704 Commoner's three laws of ecology:
14705 1) No action is without side-effects.
14706 2) Nothing ever goes away.
14707 3) There is no free lunch.
14709 Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
14711 Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
14712 of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
14715 Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
14716 has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
14717 either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
14718 stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
14719 misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
14720 the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
14721 characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
14724 COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
14725 one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
14728 Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
14729 is in the eye of the beholder.
14730 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
14732 Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
14733 courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
14738 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
14741 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
14744 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
14745 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
14746 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
14749 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
14750 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
14751 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
14753 Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
14755 Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
14757 Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
14760 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
14761 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
14762 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
14763 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
14764 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
14765 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
14766 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
14768 Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
14770 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14772 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
14773 adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
14776 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
14778 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
14779 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
14782 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
14785 Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
14786 the world that just don't add up.
14788 Computers can't cruise. Meandering is a foreign concept to them.
14789 The computer assumes that all behavior is in pursuit of an ultimate
14790 goal. Whenever a motorist changes his or her mind and veers off
14791 course, the GPS lady issues that snippy announcement: "Recalculating!"
14792 -- Joel Achenbach (www.slate.com, 20 Jun 2008)
14794 Computers don't actually think.
14795 You just think they think.
14798 Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
14799 than the estimate the job will cost.
14801 Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
14802 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
14805 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
14808 Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
14809 from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
14810 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
14812 Condense soup, not books!
14815 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
14816 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
14817 he's already decided to do.
14819 Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
14820 confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
14823 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
14825 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
14826 that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
14829 Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
14831 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
14833 Confidant, confidante, n.:
14834 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
14835 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14837 Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
14838 fall flat on your face.
14841 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
14843 CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
14844 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
14846 Conflicting research paradigms
14847 Have legitimized various crimes.
14848 The worst we can see
14850 Measuring reaction times.
14852 Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
14854 Confucius say too damn much!
14856 Confucius say too much.
14857 -- Recent Chinese proverb
14859 Confusion will be my epitaph
14860 as I walk a cracked and broken path
14861 If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
14862 but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
14863 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
14865 Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
14866 If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
14869 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
14870 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
14871 you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
14872 maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
14873 OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
14874 UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
14875 IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
14876 WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
14877 SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
14878 RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
14879 RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
14880 FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
14881 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
14883 Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
14885 He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
14890 Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If
14891 v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing
14892 a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker
14893 with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into
14894 a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it
14897 -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain
14898 nameless to the development team after releasing
14899 the second version of their product.
14901 Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
14903 Mathematician's Proof:
14904 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
14905 odd numbers are prime.
14907 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
14908 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14910 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
14911 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14912 Computer Scientist's Proof:
14913 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
14915 Connector Conspiracy, n.:
14916 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
14917 KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
14918 manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
14919 to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
14920 stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
14923 Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
14925 Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and
14926 governing that is hard.
14927 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
14929 Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
14930 -- William Shakespeare
14932 Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
14935 Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
14936 when everything else feels great.
14938 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
14939 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
14941 Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
14943 Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
14947 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
14948 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
14949 never admitted to in the first place.
14951 Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
14952 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
14955 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
14959 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
14960 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
14961 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14963 Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion...
14964 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
14966 Consider the following axioms carefully:
14967 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
14969 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
14970 What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
14971 thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
14972 consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
14974 Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
14975 it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
14976 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
14978 Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
14979 the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
14983 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
14984 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
14985 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
14986 Calculator, Will Travel.
14989 An ordinary man a long way from home.
14992 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
14993 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
14994 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
14995 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
14999 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
15000 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
15002 Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
15003 give it back to them.
15006 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
15008 Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
15009 the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
15010 we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
15011 will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
15012 seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
15013 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
15015 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
15016 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
15018 "Through the Looking-Glass,
15019 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
15021 Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
15022 technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
15024 Convention is the ruler of all.
15027 Conversation enriches the understanding,
15028 but solitude is the school of genius.
15031 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
15032 is called the listener.
15035 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
15038 This person must be fired.
15040 Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
15042 -- Raymond Chandler
15045 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
15046 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
15047 interested in reading them.
15050 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
15051 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a
15053 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15055 Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
15056 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
15059 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
15061 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a
15062 muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can
15063 make of capitalism.
15066 Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
15067 His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
15068 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
15071 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
15073 Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
15074 at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
15075 the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
15076 mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
15077 being easier to stake.
15079 Counting in binary is just like counting
15080 in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
15083 Counting in octal is just like counting
15084 in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
15087 Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
15089 Courage is grace under pressure.
15091 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
15094 Courage is your greatest present need.
15097 A place where they dispense with justice.
15100 Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
15101 -- William Congreve
15104 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
15105 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15107 Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
15108 nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
15109 -- Wernher von Braun
15111 Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
15113 Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
15114 process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
15115 attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
15116 enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
15117 and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
15118 between adequacy and excellence.
15120 Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
15121 peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
15122 ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
15123 say it was obvious all along.
15124 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
15126 Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
15128 Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
15129 sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
15131 Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
15135 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
15137 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
15138 If you are the first to know about something bad,
15139 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
15140 regardless of your formal duties.
15142 Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
15146 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
15148 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15150 Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
15153 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
15154 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
15157 Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
15158 -- Socrates' last words
15161 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
15164 The amount of work done varies inversely
15165 with the time spent in the office.
15167 Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
15170 Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
15171 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
15172 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
15173 much work has already been done on it.
15175 Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
15177 Crush! Kill! Destroy!
15181 Cthulhu for President!
15182 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
15184 Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
15186 Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
15188 Cure the disease and kill the patient.
15192 One whose program will not run.
15195 Cursor address, n.:
15197 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15199 curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
15201 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
15202 addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
15203 matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
15204 people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
15205 Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
15206 The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
15207 the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
15208 order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
15209 Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
15210 check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
15211 possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
15212 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
15213 cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
15217 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
15218 Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
15219 Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
15220 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15222 Custer committed Siouxicide.
15224 Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
15225 of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
15228 If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
15232 Cutler Webster's Law:
15233 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
15234 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
15236 Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
15237 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
15238 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.
15242 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
15243 as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
15244 out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
15245 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15251 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
15253 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
15254 several of us died of tuberculosis.
15257 <Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser,
15260 <``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing
15261 it lacks is a decent editor
15264 The city that chose Astroturf to
15265 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
15267 Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
15269 Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
15271 Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!
15274 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
15276 Damn, I need a Coke!
15277 -- Dr. William DeVries
15278 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
15280 DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
15283 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
15285 Dark and lonely on a summer night
15288 The watchdog barkin'
15292 Slip in his window.
15294 Then his house I start to wreck
15299 C-I-L-L my landlord!
15300 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
15302 Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
15303 opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
15306 Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
15307 -- Princess Leia Organa
15309 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
15312 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
15315 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
15316 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
15318 Data is not information;
15319 Information is not knowledge;
15320 Knowledge is not wisdom;
15323 Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
15324 Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
15326 David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
15328 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
15329 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
15330 * Hourly motel rates
15331 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
15332 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
15333 like some countries we could mention
15334 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
15335 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
15336 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
15338 David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of
15339 remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at
15340 a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a
15341 second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the
15342 speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global
15343 communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will
15344 instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air,
15345 underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's
15346 ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical
15347 and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living...
15348 [Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what
15349 unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind."
15350 -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966
15352 Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
15353 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
15354 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
15357 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
15360 The time when men of reason go to bed.
15361 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15363 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
15365 %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
15366 -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
15369 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
15371 Dealing with failure is easy:
15372 Work hard to improve.
15373 Success is also easy to handle:
15374 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
15376 Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
15377 all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
15381 How can I choose what groups to post in?
15385 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
15386 all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
15387 should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
15388 Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
15389 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
15390 that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
15391 expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
15392 header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
15394 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15397 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
15398 summarize. What should I do?
15402 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
15403 that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
15404 replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
15405 summarizing a vote.
15406 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15409 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
15414 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
15415 dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
15416 much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
15418 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15421 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
15426 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
15427 between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
15428 looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
15429 point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
15430 lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
15431 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15434 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
15435 tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
15436 his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
15437 Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
15438 -- A Concerned Citizen
15441 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
15442 experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
15443 will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
15444 represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
15445 act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
15447 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
15448 like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
15449 understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
15450 literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
15451 possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
15452 they are always interested in good stories.
15455 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
15456 to. How about an example?
15460 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
15461 the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
15462 would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
15463 big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
15464 as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
15465 news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
15466 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
15467 He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
15468 interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
15469 soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
15470 news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
15471 interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
15472 well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
15473 there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
15474 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
15475 group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
15476 will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
15477 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15480 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
15485 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
15486 "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
15488 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
15489 (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
15490 signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
15491 about the signature anyway.
15492 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15494 Dear Emily, what about test messages?
15498 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
15499 merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
15500 ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
15501 a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
15502 but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
15504 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15507 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
15508 unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
15509 prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
15510 mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
15513 I just want *_
\bo_
\bn_
\be* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
15514 the other hand", again.
15516 Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
15520 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
15521 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
15522 courses, is all right. Which is correct?
15525 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
15526 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
15527 of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
15528 correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
15531 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
15535 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
15539 I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
15540 rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
15541 This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
15542 protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
15543 soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
15544 and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
15545 umbrella without seeming insulting?
15548 Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
15549 although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
15550 attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
15551 Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
15552 before making your attack.
15554 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
15555 of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
15556 will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
15557 commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
15558 "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
15559 table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
15560 says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Doesn't that really mean,
15561 "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
15562 complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
15563 if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
15567 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15569 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
15571 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
15572 signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a
15573 word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
15574 ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
15575 creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put
15576 quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
15577 DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
15578 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15581 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
15586 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
15587 read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
15588 posting it. All others please ignore."
15589 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
15590 over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
15591 time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
15592 maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
15593 your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
15594 directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
15595 as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
15596 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
15597 money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
15598 letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
15599 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
15600 so post it as many places as you can.
15601 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15603 Death before dishonor.
15604 But neither before breakfast.
15606 Death comes on every passing breeze,
15607 He lurks in every flower;
15608 Each season has its own disease,
15609 Its peril -- every hour.
15612 Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
15614 Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
15615 of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
15618 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
15620 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
15623 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
15625 Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
15627 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
15629 Death is only a state of mind.
15631 Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
15633 Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
15635 Death to all fanatics!
15638 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
15640 Debug is human, de-fix divine.
15642 Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance,
15643 and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum
15645 DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
15648 Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
15649 erra, n: A mistake.
15650 faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
15651 Linder, n: A female name.
15652 memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
15653 New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
15654 New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
15655 Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
15656 Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
15657 ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
15658 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
15659 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
15661 Decision maker, n.:
15662 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
15663 before the music stopped.
15665 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
15666 overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene
15667 language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
15668 judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
15669 addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
15670 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
15672 Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
15673 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
15675 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
15676 that your life is more interesting than it really is.
15679 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
15680 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
15681 theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
15682 those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
15687 The hardware's, of course.
15690 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
15691 mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
15692 come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
15693 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15695 Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
15698 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
15699 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
15700 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
15701 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
15703 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
15705 Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
15707 Hardware is what you kick;
15708 Software is what you curse.
15710 Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
15713 (cond ((null c) () )
15715 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
15717 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
15719 (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
15721 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
15722 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
15723 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
15724 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
15725 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
15726 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
15728 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
15729 ;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
15732 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
15733 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15734 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15735 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15736 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15738 Delay is preferable to error.
15739 -- Thomas Jefferson
15741 Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
15742 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
15744 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
15745 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
15747 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
15748 referring to I/O system services.]
15750 Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
15751 related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
15752 entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
15753 into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
15754 to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
15755 history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
15756 can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
15757 for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
15758 are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
15759 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
15761 I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
15762 more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
15763 with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
15765 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
15768 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
15770 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15772 Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
15774 Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
15775 skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
15776 to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
15777 overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
15778 apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
15779 as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
15780 steroid-free fitness center.
15781 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
15783 Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
15784 her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
15785 nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
15787 Demand the establishment of the government
15788 in its rightful home at Disneyland.
15790 Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
15791 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
15793 Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
15794 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
15796 Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than
15798 -- George Bernard Shaw
15800 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
15801 aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
15804 Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
15805 incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
15806 -- George Bernard Shaw
15808 Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
15811 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
15812 will get the blame.
15813 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
15815 Democracy is also a form of worship.
15816 It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
15819 Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
15820 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
15822 Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
15823 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
15825 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
15826 are right more than half of the time.
15829 Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
15830 deserve to get it good and hard.
15831 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
15833 Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
15834 forms that have been tried from time to time.
15835 -- Winston Churchill
15838 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass
15839 meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy.
15840 Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
15841 Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
15842 whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
15843 prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
15844 Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
15845 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
15849 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
15852 The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
15853 Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
15854 you don't have to waste your time voting.
15855 -- Charles Bukowski
15857 Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
15858 Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
15860 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
15861 The remainder is thrown out.
15863 Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
15865 Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
15866 Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
15868 Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
15869 windows by Democrats.
15870 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
15872 Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
15873 board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
15875 Dental health is next to mental health.
15878 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
15879 pulls coins out of one's pockets.
15880 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15883 A smallish city located just below the "O" in Colorado.
15885 Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
15887 Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
15889 Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
15891 Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
15892 but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
15895 Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
15897 Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
15898 und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
15901 What you regret not doing later on.
15903 Desist from enumerating your fowl
15904 prior to their emergence from the shell.
15906 Despising machines to a man,
15907 The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
15908 And ride out by night
15909 In a sheeting of white
15910 To lynch all the robots they can.
15911 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
15913 Despite all appearances, your boss
15914 is a thinking, feeling, human being.
15916 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
15917 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
15919 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
15921 Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
15922 don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
15923 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
15925 Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
15928 If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
15929 the one you don't want hits the paper.
15931 Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
15932 fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
15935 Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
15936 Some do, some don't.
15938 Did I say 2? I lied.
15940 Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
15941 and slim chance mean the same thing?
15943 Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
15945 Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
15946 has already been born?
15949 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
15950 that's how dogs spend their lives.
15953 Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
15955 Did you hear about the model who sat
15956 on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
15958 Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
15959 Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
15961 Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
15963 Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
15968 Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
15969 only recaptured 116 of them?
15972 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
15974 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
15977 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
15978 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
15979 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
15981 A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
15984 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
15985 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
15986 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
15987 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
15989 Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
15991 Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
15992 selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
15993 try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
15994 select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
15995 set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
15996 should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
15998 Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
15999 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16001 Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
16004 Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
16005 them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
16009 That no-one ever reads these things?
16011 Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
16012 that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
16014 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
16019 Did you know the University of Iowa
16020 closed down after someone stole the book?
16022 Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
16023 Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
16024 It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
16025 Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
16028 Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?
16030 Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
16031 conventional thing to happen to him.
16032 -- John Barrymore's dying words
16035 To stop sinning suddenly.
16038 Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
16039 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
16041 Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
16043 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
16045 Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
16048 Dignity is like a flag.
16049 It flaps in a storm.
16054 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
16055 only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
16056 for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
16058 Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
16060 Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
16061 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
16062 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
16065 Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
16067 Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
16068 truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
16070 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
16071 asked him, after a few days.
16072 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
16074 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
16075 Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
16076 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
16078 Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
16081 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
16084 Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
16090 Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
16094 3: Don't get mad, get even.
16095 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
16098 As distinguished from some other bar.
16100 Disc space -- the final frontier!
16102 Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
16103 employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
16104 coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
16105 non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
16106 absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
16107 The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
16108 the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
16109 non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
16111 Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
16116 Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
16117 an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
16119 Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
16121 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
16123 Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
16126 Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
16129 Disk crisis, please clean up!
16131 Disks travel in packs.
16133 Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
16134 Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
16136 Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
16137 but it does make you part of a larger picture.
16140 A different color or shape than our competitors.
16143 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
16144 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16146 District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
16147 injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
16148 damage inflicted on the vehicle.
16150 Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
16151 acquaintance and without any visible reason.
16152 -- Lord Chesterfield
16154 Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
16156 Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
16159 Do clones have navels?
16161 Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
16164 Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
16166 Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
16168 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
16170 Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
16172 Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
16174 Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
16177 Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
16178 your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
16179 a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
16180 cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
16181 of them ever committed suicide.
16182 -- Henry David Thoreau
16184 Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
16185 Their tastes may not be the same.
16186 -- George Bernard Shaw
16188 Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
16190 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
16191 -- Robert A. Heinlein
16193 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
16195 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
16198 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
16199 for they become soggy and hard to light.
16201 Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
16202 for they are subtle and quick to anger.
16204 Do not overtax your powers.
16206 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
16207 Violators will be prosecuted.
16208 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
16210 Do not seek death; death will find you.
16211 But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
16212 -- Dag Hammarskjold
16214 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
16216 Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
16218 Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
16220 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
16221 learn to dread each day as it comes.
16224 Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
16226 Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
16228 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
16230 Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
16232 Do not worry about which side your
16233 bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
16235 Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
16237 Do, or do not; there is no try.
16239 Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
16241 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
16243 Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
16245 Do unto others before they undo you.
16247 Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
16249 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
16250 -- Aleister Crowley
16252 Do what you can to prolong your life,
16253 in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
16255 Do you believe in intuition?
16256 No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
16258 Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
16259 Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
16260 Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
16261 Can you see your neck?
16262 Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
16263 If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
16264 This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
16265 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
16268 Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
16270 Do you have lysdexia?
16272 Do YOU have redeeming social value?
16274 Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
16275 I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
16276 think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
16277 think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
16278 like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
16279 fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
16283 Do you know Montana?
16285 Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
16286 is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
16289 Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
16290 answer, but a certain wrong answer?
16293 Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
16294 between Nixon and the White House.
16295 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
16297 Do you suffer painful elimination?
16298 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
16300 Do you suffer painful recrimination?
16301 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
16303 Do you suffer painful illumination?
16304 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
16306 Do you suffer painful hallucination?
16307 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
16309 Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
16311 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
16312 just whipped out a quarter?
16315 Do you think your mother and I should have lived
16316 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
16318 Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
16319 your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
16320 your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
16321 Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
16322 Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
16323 -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
16325 Do your otters do the shimmy?
16326 Do they like to shake their tails?
16327 Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
16328 Is your garden full of snails?
16330 Do your part to help preserve life on
16331 Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
16333 Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
16334 little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
16335 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
16338 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
16341 Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
16342 when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
16345 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
16346 be good because the programmers hate it so much.
16348 Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
16349 Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
16350 Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
16351 Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
16352 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
16354 Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
16356 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
16358 Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
16359 and the rest of us.
16361 Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
16363 Doing gets it done.
16365 Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
16367 W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
16368 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
16369 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
16370 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
16371 W. C.: It's almost impossible.
16372 -- W. C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
16373 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
16375 Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
16377 Don't abandon hope.
16378 Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
16380 Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
16383 Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
16384 It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
16385 Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
16386 I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
16388 Don't be humble, you're not that great.
16391 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
16393 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
16395 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
16397 Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
16399 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy
16401 Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
16404 Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
16406 Don't confuse things that need action
16407 with those that take care of themselves.
16409 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
16411 Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
16412 -- The Firesign Theatre
16414 Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
16416 Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
16419 Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
16420 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
16422 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
16424 Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
16425 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
16427 Don't eat yellow snow.
16429 Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
16431 Don't everyone thank me at once!
16434 Don't expect people to keep in step--
16435 it's hard enough just staying in line.
16437 Don't feed the bats tonight.
16439 Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
16442 Don't get even, get odd.
16444 Don't get mad, get even.
16445 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
16447 Don't get even, get jewelry.
16450 Don't get mad, get interest.
16452 Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
16454 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
16455 misleading. Debug only code.
16458 Don't get to bragging.
16460 "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes
16461 you nothing. It was here first."
16464 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
16466 Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
16469 Don't guess - check your security regulations.
16471 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
16473 Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
16475 Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
16477 Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
16481 Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
16483 Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
16484 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
16486 Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
16488 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
16490 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
16492 Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
16493 Probably soon after she throws me out.
16495 Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
16496 until you have hold of something else.
16497 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
16499 Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
16500 don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
16501 don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
16502 or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
16503 remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
16504 you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
16505 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
16507 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
16509 Don't let your status become too quo!
16511 Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
16513 Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
16515 Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
16521 Your brains are in it.
16524 Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
16526 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
16527 -- Scottish proverb
16529 Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
16531 Don't patch bad code -- rewrite it.
16532 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style"
16534 Don't plan any hasty moves.
16535 You'll be evicted soon anyway.
16537 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
16538 if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
16540 Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
16541 -- Miguel de Cervantes
16543 Don't quit now, we might just as well
16544 lock the door and throw away the key.
16546 Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
16548 Don't read everything you believe.
16550 Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
16552 Don't remember what you can infer.
16555 Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
16556 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
16558 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
16560 Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
16561 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
16563 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
16565 Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
16567 Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
16569 Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
16573 Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
16575 Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
16578 Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
16581 Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
16582 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
16584 Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
16586 Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
16589 Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
16590 sodomy and the lash.
16591 -- Winston Churchill
16593 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
16595 Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
16598 Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
16601 Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
16602 I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
16603 -- Watchman Examiner
16605 Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
16607 Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
16610 Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
16611 with my breakfast cereal.
16612 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
16614 Don't vote - it only encourages them!
16616 Don't wake me up too soon...
16617 Gonna take a ride across the moon...
16620 Don't worry. Life's too long.
16621 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
16623 Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
16625 Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
16627 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
16629 Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any
16630 good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
16633 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
16634 tomorrow in Australia.
16637 Don't Worry, Be Happy.
16640 Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
16641 you can always take something for it.
16643 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
16644 busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
16646 Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
16648 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
16650 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
16651 want to help you could agree with each other?
16653 Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
16655 Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
16656 Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an
16657 awful lot of talking, don't they?
16658 -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz"
16662 Double-blind Experiment, n.:
16663 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
16664 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
16665 by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
16667 Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
16670 Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
16671 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian
16673 Down to the Banana Republics,
16674 Down to the tropical sun.
16675 Go the expatriated Americans,
16676 Hoping to find some fun.
16677 Some of them go for the sailing,
16678 Caught by the lure of the sea.
16679 Trying to find what is ailing,
16680 Living in the land of the free.
16681 Some of them are running from lovers,
16682 Leaving no forward address.
16683 Some of them are running tons of ganja,
16684 Some are running from the IRS.
16685 Late at night you will find them,
16686 In the cheap hotels and bars.
16687 Hustling the senoritas,
16688 While they dance beneath the stars.
16689 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
16691 Down with the categorical imperative!
16694 In a hierarchical organization,
16695 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
16697 Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
16698 by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
16699 of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
16700 time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
16702 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
16704 Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
16706 The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
16707 that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
16708 Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
16709 luxury that you never feel hungry.
16711 Here's how the diet works:
16714 First Month: One egg
16715 Second Month: A raisin
16716 Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
16718 If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
16719 lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
16721 Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
16724 Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
16726 Drakenberg's Discovery:
16727 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
16728 it's probably because you don't have them on.
16730 Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
16732 Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
16734 Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
16736 Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
16737 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
16740 Drilling for oil is boring.
16742 Drink and dance and laugh and lie
16743 Love, the reeling midnight through
16744 For tomorrow we shall die!
16745 (But, alas, we never do.)
16746 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
16748 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *_
\bi_
\bs* fun trying.
16750 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
16751 instant motor skills.
16754 Drinking is not a spectator sport.
16757 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
16758 with, that it's compounding a felony.
16761 Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
16762 that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
16763 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
16765 Drive defensively, buy a tank.
16767 Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
16768 avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
16769 jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
16772 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
16773 of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
16774 seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
16775 priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
16776 "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
16781 DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
16784 Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
16788 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
16791 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
16793 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
16798 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
16799 yourself as part of the problem.
16801 Ducharme's Precept:
16802 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
16806 Ducks? What ducks??
16808 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and
16809 it holds the universe together ...
16812 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
16813 has been discontinued.
16815 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
16816 and captain of your soul.
16818 Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
16821 Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
16823 During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
16824 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
16825 pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
16826 in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
16829 During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
16830 times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
16832 During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
16834 Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
16835 perform as president?"
16836 Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
16839 During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
16840 fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
16841 and fly your colors proudly.
16843 Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
16844 Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
16845 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
16848 What one expects from others.
16851 Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
16852 nothing whatever to do with it.
16853 -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words
16855 Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
16856 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed
16858 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
16865 Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
16867 Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
16870 Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
16871 Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
16872 worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
16873 imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
16874 typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
16875 the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
16876 corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
16877 Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
16878 in a sealed board room. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
16879 offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
16880 a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
16881 then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
16882 company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
16883 competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
16884 orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
16885 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
16887 Each of us bears his own Hell.
16888 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
16890 Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
16891 in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
16892 university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
16893 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
16895 Each person has the right to take the subway.
16898 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
16899 months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
16900 an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
16904 NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
16905 OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
16907 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
16911 LAST MAGAZINE READ:
16912 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
16913 TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
16915 EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
16917 Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
16918 science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
16919 21st century aircraft:
16921 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
16922 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
16923 pilot if he touches anything.
16924 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
16926 Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
16927 be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
16929 Early to rise and early to bed makes
16930 a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
16933 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
16935 Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
16937 /earth: file system full.
16939 /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
16941 Earth is a beta site.
16943 Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
16946 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
16947 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
16948 cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
16949 the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
16950 means the puzzle is solved.
16951 -- Steve Rubenstein
16953 Easy come and easy go,
16954 some call me easy money,
16955 Sometimes life is full of laughs,
16956 and sometimes it ain't funny
16957 You may think that I'm a fool
16958 and sometimes that is true,
16959 But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
16960 with or without you.
16963 Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
16964 -- Harry Secombe's diet
16966 Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
16968 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
16970 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
16972 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
16974 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
16975 will happen to you the rest of the day.
16977 [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
16979 Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
16981 Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
16983 Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
16985 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
16986 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
16989 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith.
16990 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16992 Economies of scale:
16993 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
16994 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
16995 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
16996 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
16997 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
17001 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
17002 personality to become an accountant.
17004 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy
17005 would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it
17009 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
17010 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
17011 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
17013 Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
17016 Editing is a rewording activity.
17018 Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
17019 demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
17020 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
17022 Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
17023 time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
17024 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
17026 Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
17027 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
17029 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
17032 Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
17035 Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
17036 to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
17037 of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
17038 royal-blue chickens.
17039 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
17041 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
17042 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose
17044 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
17045 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
17047 Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
17048 people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
17049 comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
17050 the "nog" comes from.
17052 To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in
17055 Ego sum ens omnipotens
17057 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
17058 of being a damned fool.
17061 Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
17064 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
17067 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
17068 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
17070 egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
17072 Ehrman's Commentary:
17073 (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
17074 (2) Who said things would get better?
17076 Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
17077 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
17079 ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
17080 original joy his falling in love with Ada.
17083 Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
17084 God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
17086 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
17088 Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
17089 -- Groucho Marx' last words
17092 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
17093 armrest in a movie theatre.
17094 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
17097 Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
17099 Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
17100 make the machine do some more.
17103 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
17104 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
17107 Writing the code for a program that no one will run
17109 Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
17113 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
17114 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
17115 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
17116 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
17120 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
17121 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
17122 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
17124 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
17126 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
17127 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
17128 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
17129 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
17130 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
17131 the faint of heart.
17132 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
17133 Cut into squares and enjoy!
17136 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
17137 children under eight years of age.
17139 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
17142 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
17144 Elegance and truth are inversely related.
17148 A mouse built to government specifications.
17150 Elevators smell different to midgets.
17152 Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
17153 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
17154 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
17155 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
17156 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
17157 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
17158 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
17159 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
17161 Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
17162 In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
17163 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
17164 Half asleep, Eli murmured,
17165 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
17167 Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
17170 The feel of a kiss.
17172 Eloquence is logic on fire.
17174 Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
17175 Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
17178 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
17180 Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
17181 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
17182 can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
17184 Encyclopedia for sale by father.
17185 Son knows everything.
17187 Encyclopedia Salesmen:
17188 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
17189 and tell them your house is being burgled.
17190 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
17192 Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
17193 Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
17194 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
17196 Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
17198 I turn again, back to my own beginning,
17199 And here, find rest.
17201 Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
17202 property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
17203 of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
17204 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
17206 Engineering: "How will this work?"
17207 Science: "Why will this work?"
17208 Management: "When will this work?"
17209 Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
17211 English literature's performing flea.
17212 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
17215 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
17216 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
17217 in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
17218 of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
17219 psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
17220 and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
17221 conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
17222 thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
17223 was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
17224 ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
17226 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
17227 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
17230 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
17232 Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
17234 Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
17237 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
17238 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
17240 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
17242 Entropy requires no maintenance.
17245 Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
17249 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
17250 instead of having to try and acquire one.
17252 Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
17253 otherwise require harder thinking.
17257 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
17258 something his wife can beat him at.
17260 Equal bytes for women.
17262 Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
17263 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
17265 Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
17266 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
17268 Error in operator: add beer
17270 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
17271 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
17272 Und aller-m"
\bumsige Burggoven
17273 Dir mohmen R"
\bath ausgraben.
17275 "Through the Looking-Glass,
17276 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
17278 Eschew obfuscation.
17280 Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
17281 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
17283 E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
17285 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
17288 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
17291 Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
17292 fashion for those with no taste.
17295 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
17296 were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed
17297 from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
17298 ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
17301 Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen;
17302 Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
17303 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
17305 Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
17306 the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
17307 Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
17308 Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
17309 Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
17310 Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
17311 make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
17312 them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
17313 a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
17314 the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
17315 they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
17317 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
17322 Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
17324 Even a cabbage may look at a king.
17326 Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
17328 Even a man who is pure at heart,
17329 And says his prayers at night
17330 Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
17331 And the moon is full and bright.
17332 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
17334 Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
17337 Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
17341 Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
17344 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
17347 Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
17348 When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
17349 Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
17350 And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
17351 Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
17352 To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
17353 Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
17354 I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
17355 I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
17356 Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
17357 A fairer summer and a later fall
17358 Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
17359 And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
17360 I tell you this across the blackened vine.
17361 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
17362 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
17364 Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
17366 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
17367 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
17369 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
17370 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
17373 Events are not affected, they develop.
17376 Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
17378 Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
17379 bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
17381 Ever get the feeling that the world's
17382 on tape and one of the reels is missing?
17385 Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
17386 just how busy they are?
17388 Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
17389 Simple coincidence?
17392 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
17393 That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
17394 We're big but bigger we will be,
17395 We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
17397 Our products now are known in every zone.
17398 Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
17399 We've fought our way thru
17400 And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
17401 For the Ever Onward IBM!
17402 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
17404 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
17405 We're bound for the top to never fall,
17406 Right here and now we thankfully
17407 Pledge sincerest loyalty
17408 To the corporation that's the best of all
17409 Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
17410 Let's show the world just what we think of them!
17411 So let us sing men -- Sing men
17412 Once or twice, then sing again
17413 For the Ever Onward IBM!
17414 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
17416 Ever since I was a young boy,
17417 I've hacked the ARPA net,
17418 From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
17419 Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
17420 But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
17421 On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
17422 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
17423 Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
17424 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
17425 Sure sends a mean packet.
17426 He's a UNIX wizard,
17427 There has to be a twist.
17428 The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
17429 Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
17430 How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
17431 I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
17432 What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
17433 The proper bit flags set,
17434 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
17435 Sure sends a mean packet.
17438 Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
17439 exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
17440 All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
17441 spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
17442 Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
17443 take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
17444 My wife is available. No. How about ..."
17445 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
17447 Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
17449 Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
17451 Because newspapers are read too.
17452 Two and Two is four.
17453 Four and four is eight.
17454 Eight and four is twelve.
17455 There are twelve inches in a ruler.
17456 Queen Mary was a ruler.
17457 Queen Mary was a ship.
17458 Ships sail the sea.
17459 There are fishes in the sea.
17461 The Fins fought the Russians.
17463 Fire engines are always rush'n.
17464 Therefore fire engines are red.
17466 Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
17467 technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
17468 The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
17469 computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long
17470 Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
17471 trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
17472 one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
17473 "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
17474 there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
17475 computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
17476 ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
17477 anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
17478 said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
17479 them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
17480 Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
17482 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
17483 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
17485 Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
17487 Every cloud engenders not a storm.
17488 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
17490 Every cloud has a silver lining;
17491 you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
17493 Every country has the government it deserves.
17494 -- Joseph De Maistre
17496 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
17498 Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
17500 Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
17503 Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
17505 Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
17506 woman and stop her.
17508 Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
17509 idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
17510 sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
17511 of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
17512 highly-motivated, caustic twits.
17513 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
17515 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
17516 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
17517 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
17518 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
17519 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
17520 of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
17521 humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
17522 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
17524 Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
17526 Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
17527 front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
17528 odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
17529 and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
17530 legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
17531 there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
17532 of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
17533 color"], that does not exist.
17535 Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
17536 -- Frank Moore Colby
17538 Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
17540 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
17543 Every love's the love before
17545 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
17547 Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
17549 Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
17550 or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
17551 Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
17552 only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
17553 subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
17554 own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
17555 by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
17556 philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
17557 but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
17558 in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
17559 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
17561 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
17562 -- Miguel de Cervantes
17564 Every man takes the limits of his own field
17565 of vision for the limits of the world.
17568 Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
17569 and powerful know that he is.
17570 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
17572 Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
17573 that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
17574 and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
17575 essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
17576 inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
17577 forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
17578 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
17580 Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
17581 it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
17584 Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the
17585 richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
17588 Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
17589 than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
17590 It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
17591 It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
17592 up, you'd better be running.
17594 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
17596 Every night my prayers I say,
17597 And get my dinner every day;
17598 And every day that I've been good,
17599 I get an orange after food.
17600 The child that is not clean and neat,
17601 With lots of toys and things to eat,
17602 He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
17603 Or else his dear papa is poor.
17604 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
17606 Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
17608 It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
17610 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
17611 start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
17612 then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
17613 music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
17614 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
17616 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
17617 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
17620 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
17621 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
17622 When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.
17623 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
17625 Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
17626 the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
17627 sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
17630 Every path has its puddle.
17632 Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
17633 drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
17634 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17636 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
17637 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
17638 program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
17640 Every program has (at least) two purposes:
17641 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
17643 Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
17645 Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
17647 Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
17648 eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
17650 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
17651 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
17654 Every solution breeds new problems.
17656 Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
17657 guarantee of eventual success.
17659 Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
17662 Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
17664 Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
17666 Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
17668 Every time you manage to close the door on
17669 Reality, it comes in through the window.
17671 Every why hath a wherefore.
17672 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
17674 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
17677 Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
17681 Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
17682 called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
17683 the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
17684 otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
17685 and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
17686 Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
17687 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
17688 a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
17689 you're fired. As of right now."
17690 Sam signed the papers immediately.
17691 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
17692 couldn't have signed earlier?"
17693 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
17696 Everybody has something to conceal.
17699 Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
17700 if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
17702 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17703 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
17705 Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
17706 fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
17707 good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
17708 poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
17710 Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
17711 lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
17714 Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
17715 and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
17717 Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
17718 do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
17719 two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
17720 you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
17722 And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
17723 And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
17724 Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
17725 for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
17726 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
17728 Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
17731 Everybody needs a little love sometime;
17732 stop hacking and fall in love!
17734 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
17736 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
17737 to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
17739 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
17741 Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
17743 Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
17746 Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
17748 Everyone is in the best seat.
17751 Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
17754 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
17755 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
17756 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
17757 wholly unconcerned with what _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs exist. Indeed, the banality of
17758 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
17759 discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
17760 problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
17761 mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
17762 one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
17764 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
17766 Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs anything about it.
17768 Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
17772 Everyone was born right-handed.
17773 Only the greatest overcome it.
17775 Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
17776 1. They want it quick.
17777 2. They want it good.
17778 3. They want it cheap.
17779 I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
17780 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
17782 Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
17784 Everything bows to success, even grammar.
17786 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
17788 Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
17790 Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
17791 -- Alexander Woollcott
17793 Everything in this book may be wrong.
17794 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17796 Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
17797 no one we know belongs.
17799 Everything is possible. Pass the word.
17800 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
17802 Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
17803 that a belch is more satisfying.
17806 Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
17807 something you know.
17808 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
17809 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
17811 Everything might be different in the present
17812 if only one thing had been different in the past.
17814 Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
17815 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
17817 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
17819 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
17822 Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
17825 Everything that can be invented has been invented.
17826 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
17828 Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
17830 Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
17832 Everything you know is wrong!
17834 Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
17835 rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
17838 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
17839 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
17840 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
17841 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
17843 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
17845 Everything's great in this good old world;
17846 (This is the stuff they can always use.)
17847 God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
17848 (This will provide for baby's shoes.)
17849 Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
17850 Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
17851 Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
17852 (This is what fetches the bacon home.)
17853 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
17855 Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
17856 opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
17857 that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
17858 -- Flannery O'Connor
17860 Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
17861 Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
17862 Everyone is looking for the answer,
17864 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
17866 Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
17867 of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
17870 Evolution is a million line computer
17871 program falling into place by accident.
17873 Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
17874 the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
17875 evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
17876 doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
17877 life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
17878 as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
17879 respect to theories about how the process operates.
17880 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life"
17882 Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even
17883 the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
17886 Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
17887 It is the only thing.
17888 -- Albert Schweitzer
17890 Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler.
17892 Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
17894 Excellent day to have a rotten day.
17896 Excellent time to become a missing person.
17898 Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
17901 Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
17902 customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
17904 Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
17905 Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
17907 Excerpt from a DEC field service document:
17910 - none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the
17911 screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP
17912 comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands.
17914 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
17915 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
17916 -- W. Somerset Maugham
17918 Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility.
17920 Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
17922 Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
17925 Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
17929 Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
17931 Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
17933 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
17934 and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
17936 Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
17938 Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
17940 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
17942 Expedience is the best teacher.
17944 Expense accounts, n.:
17945 Corporate food stamps.
17947 Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
17948 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
17950 Experience is not what happens to you;
17951 it is what you do with what happens to you.
17954 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
17955 when you make it again.
17956 -- Franklin P. Jones
17958 Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and
17959 the instruction afterward.
17961 Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
17964 Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
17966 Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
17967 particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
17968 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
17970 Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
17973 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
17977 Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
17979 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
17981 To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
17982 cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
17983 corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
17984 address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
17985 to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
17986 left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
17987 below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
17988 computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
17989 SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
17990 (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
17991 Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
17992 disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
17993 this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
17994 completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
17996 Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
17997 of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
17998 but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
17999 that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
18000 argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
18001 and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
18002 neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
18003 handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
18004 than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
18005 offer more plausible alternatives.
18006 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
18007 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
18009 Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
18010 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
18012 Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
18013 of justice is no virtue.
18016 F: When into a room I plunge, I
18017 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
18018 Then I linger, darkly brooding
18019 On the poison they're exuding.
18020 -- The Roguelet's ABC
18022 F. Scott Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
18023 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
18025 "Yes. They have more money."
18027 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
18029 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
18031 F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
18033 f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
18035 FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
18037 Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
18039 Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
18042 Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
18044 Facts are the enemy of truth.
18047 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
18050 Failed Attempts To Break Records
18051 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
18052 the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
18053 he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
18054 doesn't even shout at me."
18055 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
18056 record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
18057 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
18058 after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
18059 "People complained I was too noisy," he said.
18060 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
18061 the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
18062 drone got waterlogged," he said.
18063 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
18064 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
18065 had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
18066 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
18068 Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
18070 Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
18071 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
18074 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
18076 Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
18078 Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
18079 ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
18080 the doubt that moved all the mountains.
18081 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
18083 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
18084 without looking to see whether the seeds move.
18086 Faith is under the left nipple.
18090 That quality which enables us to
18091 believe what we know to be untrue.
18094 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
18095 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
18096 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
18099 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
18100 love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
18101 light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
18102 and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
18103 these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
18104 good idea to check with your doctor.
18107 Falling in love is a lot like dying.
18108 You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
18110 Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
18112 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus"
18114 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
18115 the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
18118 Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
18119 autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
18122 Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
18124 Familiarity breeds attempt.
18126 Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
18129 Families, when a child is born
18130 Want it to be intelligent.
18131 I, through intelligence,
18132 Having wrecked my whole life,
18133 Only hope the baby will prove
18134 Ignorant and stupid.
18135 Then he will crown a tranquil life
18136 By becoming a Cabinet Minister
18140 Conspicuously miserable.
18141 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
18146 1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
18147 2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
18148 3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
18149 4. We won't need reservations.
18150 5. It's always sunny there this time of the year.
18151 6. Don't worry, it's not loaded.
18152 7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
18153 8. Don't worry! Women love it!
18155 Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
18156 forgotten your aim.
18157 -- George Santayana
18159 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
18160 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
18162 Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
18163 reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
18164 were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
18165 and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
18166 from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
18167 deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
18168 was the Empire forged.
18169 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
18171 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
18173 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
18174 Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
18175 Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
18176 utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
18177 forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
18178 are a pretty neat idea ...
18179 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
18181 Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
18182 stressful than divorce.
18183 -- Wall Street Journal
18185 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
18186 it every six months.
18189 Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
18192 Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
18194 Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
18197 Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
18200 Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
18202 Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
18204 Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
18205 Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
18207 Fats Loves Madelyn.
18209 Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
18210 Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
18211 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
18214 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
18216 Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
18217 -- Hunter S. Thompson
18219 Fear is the greatest salesman.
18223 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
18224 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
18225 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
18226 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
18227 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
18229 Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
18230 potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
18233 Feel disillusioned?
18234 I've got some great new illusions, right here!
18236 Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
18239 Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
18240 An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
18241 Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
18242 Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
18243 I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
18244 A singular development of cat communications
18245 That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
18246 For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
18247 A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
18248 You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
18249 And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
18250 It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
18251 Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
18252 Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
18253 And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
18254 I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
18255 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
18257 Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
18258 you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
18259 to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
18260 other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the
18261 list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
18262 yours to the bottom of the list.
18264 Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
18265 Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
18266 his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
18267 out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
18268 build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
18269 this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
18270 her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
18272 Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
18275 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
18278 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
18279 of car fenders during snowstorms.
18280 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
18282 Ferguson's Precept:
18283 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
18285 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,
18288 Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
18289 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
18290 Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
18291 basic difference between robots and humans?
18292 Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
18293 Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
18294 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
18296 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
18300 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
18302 Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
18303 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
18304 Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
18305 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
18306 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
18308 Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
18309 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
18311 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
18313 Fifth Law of Procrastination:
18314 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
18315 there is nothing important to do.
18317 Fifty flippant frogs
18318 Walked by on flippered feet
18319 And with their slime they made the time
18322 Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
18326 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
18329 Throwing your wait around.
18331 Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
18332 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
18335 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
18337 Finagle's Eighth Law:
18338 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
18340 Finagle's Ninth Law:
18341 No matter what results are expected,
18342 someone is always willing to fake it.
18344 Finagle's Tenth Law:
18345 No matter what the result someone
18346 is always eager to misinterpret it.
18348 Finagle's Eleventh Law:
18349 No matter what occurs, someone believes
18350 it happened according to his pet theory.
18352 Finagle's First Law:
18353 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
18355 Finagle's Second Law:
18356 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
18358 Finagle's Fourth Law:
18359 Once a job is fouled up,
18360 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
18362 Finagle's Fifth Law:
18363 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
18365 Finagle's Sixth Law:
18366 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
18368 Finagle's Second Law:
18369 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
18370 someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
18371 happened according to his own pet theory.
18373 Finagle's Seventh Law:
18374 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
18376 Finagle's Third Law:
18377 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
18378 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
18381 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
18382 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
18383 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
18386 Perfection is finality.
18387 Nothing is perfect.
18388 There are lumps in it.
18390 Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
18392 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
18394 Fine day for friends.
18397 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
18399 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
18402 Functionality breeds Contempt.
18404 Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
18406 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
18408 Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
18411 Baffled Greek, Michigan
18414 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18416 First, a few words about tools.
18418 Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
18419 the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
18420 injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
18421 you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
18422 particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
18423 granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
18424 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
18426 First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
18427 Machines that piss people off get murdered.
18430 First Law of Bicycling:
18431 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
18433 First law of debate:
18434 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
18436 First Law of Procrastination:
18437 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
18438 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
18441 First Law of Socio-Genetics:
18442 Celibacy is not hereditary.
18444 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
18445 self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
18446 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
18448 First Rule of History:
18449 History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
18452 First rule of public speaking.
18453 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
18455 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
18457 First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
18458 But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
18460 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
18461 call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
18462 phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
18463 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
18464 the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
18465 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
18466 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
18467 bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
18468 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
18469 another phone booth.
18470 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
18471 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
18472 released it, too, in the scrub.
18473 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
18474 telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
18475 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
18476 and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
18477 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
18479 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980
18481 First things first -- but not necessarily in that order.
18482 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
18484 "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
18485 "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
18486 and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
18487 trees to prove their manhood.
18491 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
18492 promoted managers are kept for observation.
18494 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
18497 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
18500 Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
18501 Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
18502 I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
18503 And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
18504 Yes, I'm goin' insane,
18505 And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
18506 Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18507 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
18508 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
18509 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
18510 You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
18511 You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
18512 Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
18513 That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
18514 Yes, and goin' insane,
18515 You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
18516 Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18518 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
18520 Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
18521 were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
18522 had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
18523 "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
18524 the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
18525 "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
18526 Irish Political History".
18528 Five rules for eternal misery:
18529 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
18530 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
18531 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
18532 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
18533 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
18534 how much better things might have been or how much worse
18535 things might become).
18536 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
18537 follow the first four rules.
18543 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
18544 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
18546 Flappity, floppity, flip
18547 The mouse on the m"
\bobius strip;
18548 The strip revolved,
18549 The mouse dissolved
18550 In a chronodimensional skip.
18553 Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
18554 Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ...
18556 Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
18559 Flattery will get you everywhere.
18561 Flee at once, all is discovered.
18563 Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
18567 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
18568 the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
18570 Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
18571 husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
18574 "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
18575 a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
18577 "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
18578 in my burette ... We must call a copper."
18580 Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
18581 said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
18584 "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
18585 dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
18586 catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
18587 activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
18588 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
18590 Flowchart, n. & v.:
18591 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
18592 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
18593 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
18594 problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
18595 using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
18596 doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
18597 wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
18598 thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
18599 Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
18600 flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
18601 (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
18602 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
18605 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
18606 world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
18608 Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
18610 Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
18611 Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
18613 Flying saucers on occasion
18614 Show themselves to human eyes.
18615 Aliens fume, put off invasion
18616 While they brand these tales as lies.
18619 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
18620 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
18621 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
18623 Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
18624 tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored.
18625 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
18626 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
18628 Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
18629 -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo"
18631 Foolproof Operation:
18632 No provision for adjustment.
18634 Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
18636 Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
18637 a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
18639 Football combines the two worst features of American life.
18640 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
18641 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
18643 Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets.
18646 For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
18648 For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
18650 For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
18652 For a light heart lives long.
18653 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
18655 For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
18658 For adult education nothing beats children.
18660 For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
18661 women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
18662 religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
18663 The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
18664 known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
18665 prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
18666 misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
18667 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
18669 For an adequate time call 555-3321.
18671 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
18672 always old-fashioned.
18674 For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
18677 For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
18679 For courage mounteth with occasion.
18680 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
18682 For every bloke who makes his mark,
18683 there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
18686 For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
18690 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
18693 For every human problem, there is a neat,
18694 plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
18697 For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
18698 you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
18699 not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
18700 that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
18701 when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
18702 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
18703 '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
18704 -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
18706 For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
18708 For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
18712 For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
18721 For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
18723 For good, return good.
18724 For evil, return justice.
18726 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
18727 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
18729 For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
18730 but with break of day I went to make supplication.
18731 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
18733 For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
18734 As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
18735 But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
18736 He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
18737 Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
18738 And no quarrel a knight ought to take
18739 But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
18742 For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
18744 For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
18745 and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
18748 For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
18749 get themselves filed.
18752 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
18753 put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
18756 For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
18757 life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
18758 now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
18759 when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
18760 in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
18761 the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
18762 means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
18763 advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
18764 the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
18765 names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
18766 ("part of this complete breakfast").
18767 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
18769 For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
18770 the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
18771 power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
18772 and bad music may be put on record forever.
18773 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
18775 For people who like that kind of book,
18776 that is the kind of book they will like.
18778 For perfect happiness, remember two things:
18779 (1) Be content with what you've got.
18780 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
18783 Parachute. Used once.
18784 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
18786 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
18787 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
18788 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
18790 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
18792 For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
18793 a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
18794 computers altogether?
18797 For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
18798 each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
18800 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
18802 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18803 referring to system overview.]
18806 For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
18807 This gives me great hope for the human race.
18810 For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
18812 For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
18813 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
18815 For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
18816 neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
18817 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
18819 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18820 referring to powerfail recovery.]
18822 For they starve the frightened little child
18823 Till it weeps both night and day:
18824 And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
18825 And gibe the old and grey,
18826 And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
18827 And none a word may say.
18829 Each narrow cell in which we dwell
18830 Is a foul and dark latrine,
18831 And the fetid breath of living Death
18832 Chokes up each grated screen,
18833 And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
18834 In Humanity's machine.
18836 And all men kill the thing they love,
18837 By all let this be heard,
18838 Some do it with a bitter look,
18839 Some with a flattering word,
18840 The coward does it with a kiss,
18841 The brave man with a sword.
18844 For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
18845 When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
18846 him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
18847 spend my evenings?"
18850 For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
18851 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
18852 recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
18855 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
18856 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
18858 8 oz. shredded suet
18860 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
18862 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
18863 overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
18864 the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
18865 gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
18866 half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
18867 salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
18868 swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
18869 available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
18870 four to five hours.
18872 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
18875 For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
18876 phone calls taper off.
18879 For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
18880 a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
18881 Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
18883 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
18885 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
18886 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
18887 But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
18888 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
18889 -- Justin Richardson
18891 For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
18893 Force has no place where there is need of skill.
18896 "Force is but might," the teacher said--
18897 "That definition's just."
18898 The boy said naught but thought instead,
18899 Remembering his pounded head:
18900 "Force is not might but must!"
18903 If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
18904 No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
18906 FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
18909 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
18910 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
18912 Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
18915 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
18916 their destitution of conscience.
18918 Forgive and forget.
18922 for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
18923 -- George Bernard Shaw
18925 Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
18926 And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
18929 Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
18932 Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
18934 Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
18938 FORTRAN is a good example of a language
18939 which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
18941 [What's good about it? Ed.]
18943 FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
18944 occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
18947 FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
18950 FORTRAN rots the brain.
18953 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
18954 inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
18955 too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
18956 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
18958 [FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
18959 probably for at least the next decade.
18962 Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
18964 Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
18965 the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
18966 of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
18967 responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
18968 or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
18969 claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
18970 provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
18971 the accepted body of scientific evidence.
18972 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
18975 Fortune and love befriend the bold.
18978 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
18980 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
18981 A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
18982 my dissertation to rhyme.
18984 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
18987 A: No, He's a mythter.
18989 fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
18991 fortune: CPU time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
18993 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
18996 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
18997 of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
18998 hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
19001 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
19002 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
19003 for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
19004 weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
19008 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
19009 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
19012 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
19015 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
19016 refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
19018 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
19019 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
19020 she will get on with her life.
19021 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
19022 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
19023 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
19024 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
19025 always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
19026 drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
19027 community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
19028 these classes rarely prove effective.
19030 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
19033 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
19034 boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
19035 of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
19038 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
19039 together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
19040 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
19041 together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
19042 sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
19043 psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
19044 sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
19045 jerk, I guess you're OK."
19047 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
19050 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
19051 work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
19052 she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
19053 grabbing the cherry in the center.
19056 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
19057 manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
19058 himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
19059 fixed without special tools".
19060 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
19061 accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
19062 car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
19065 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
19068 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
19069 Men talk about "the bachelor party".
19072 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
19073 he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
19074 the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
19075 the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
19076 them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
19077 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
19078 They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
19080 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
19083 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
19084 around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
19085 she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
19086 OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
19087 one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
19088 his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
19089 of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
19090 so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
19094 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
19095 the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
19096 him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
19097 to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
19098 Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
19099 shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
19100 price their policies accordingly.
19101 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
19102 rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
19105 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
19108 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
19109 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
19110 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
19111 would not be able to identify most of these items.
19114 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
19115 and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
19116 are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
19117 everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
19118 his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
19119 Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
19121 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
19124 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
19125 out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
19126 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
19127 checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
19130 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
19131 looking, men kick cats.
19134 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
19135 about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
19136 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
19137 aware of some short people living in the house.
19139 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
19142 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
19143 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
19144 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
19145 he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
19146 of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
19147 the laundromat. This is a myth.
19150 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
19151 they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
19152 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
19153 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
19156 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
19157 Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
19158 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
19160 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
19163 Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells
19164 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
19165 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
19166 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
19167 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
19168 which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat.
19170 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
19173 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
19174 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
19175 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
19176 Boardwalk property.
19178 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
19180 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
19182 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
19183 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
19184 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in
19185 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
19186 With Julie Christie.
19188 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
19190 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
19191 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
19192 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
19195 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
19198 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
19199 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
19200 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
19201 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
19202 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
19204 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
19206 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
19207 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
19208 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
19209 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
19210 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
19211 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
19212 a glowing performance.
19214 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
19216 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
19217 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
19218 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
19219 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
19221 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
19223 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
19224 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
19225 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
19226 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
19227 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
19230 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
19232 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
19233 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
19234 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
19235 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
19237 THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
19238 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
19239 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
19240 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
19241 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
19243 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
19245 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
19247 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
19248 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
19249 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
19251 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19253 It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
19254 supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
19255 more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
19256 negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
19257 negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
19258 as that in support of an affirmative.
19259 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472
19261 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19263 We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
19264 left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
19265 seems to us that someone has been very careless.
19268 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19270 We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
19271 may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
19272 species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
19273 of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
19274 revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
19275 it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
19276 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466
19278 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
19280 Skilled oral communicator:
19281 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
19282 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
19284 Skilled written communicator:
19285 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
19286 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
19289 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
19290 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
19291 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
19293 Key company figure:
19294 Serves as the perfect counter example.
19296 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
19299 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
19300 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
19302 An excellent sounding board:
19303 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
19304 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
19306 A planner and organizer:
19307 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
19308 animal tags on his clothing.
19310 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
19312 Has management potential:
19313 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
19314 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
19318 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
19322 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
19326 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
19329 Fortune favors the lucky.
19331 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
19333 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
19335 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
19337 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
19338 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
19339 Cowboy cheerleaders.
19341 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
19343 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
19344 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
19345 Juliet, this bud's for you.
19347 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
19349 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
19352 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
19354 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
19357 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
19359 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
19361 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
19363 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
19364 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
19366 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
19368 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
19370 fortune: No such file or directory
19375 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
19377 ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
19378 Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
19379 Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
19380 renkontas. I've met.
19381 La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
19382 Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
19383 Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
19384 Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
19387 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
19389 ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
19390 ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
19391 ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
19392 Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
19393 Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
19394 ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
19397 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
19399 Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
19401 Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
19402 Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
19403 Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
19404 Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
19405 Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
19407 FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
19409 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
19410 Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
19411 Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
19412 Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
19414 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
19416 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
19417 Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
19419 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
19421 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
19422 Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
19424 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
19426 A: To be or not to be.
19427 Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
19429 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
19431 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
19432 Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
19434 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
19436 A: Chicken Teriyaki.
19437 Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
19439 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
19441 A: Go west, young man, go west!
19442 Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
19444 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
19446 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
19447 Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
19449 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
19451 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
19452 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
19454 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
19456 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
19457 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
19459 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
19463 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
19464 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
19465 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
19466 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
19468 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
19469 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
19470 make "heads or tails of all this"
19473 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
19474 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
19476 Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
19477 sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
19479 Oh, and have a nice day!
19480 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
19482 Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
19484 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
19485 "Hey you, get off my plate"
19488 Fortune's current rates:
19492 Answers requiring thought .50
19493 Correct answers $1.00
19495 Dumb looks are still free.
19497 Fortune's diet truths:
19498 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
19499 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
19500 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
19501 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
19502 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
19503 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
19504 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
19505 appealing as tepid beer.
19506 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
19507 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
19508 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
19510 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
19511 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
19512 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
19513 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
19516 Fortune's Exercising Truths:
19518 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
19519 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
19520 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
19521 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
19522 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
19523 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
19524 you twitter around in your chair.
19525 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
19526 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
19527 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
19528 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
19529 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
19530 followed by one throw-up.
19531 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
19533 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
19536 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
19537 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
19538 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
19539 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
19540 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
19542 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
19543 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
19544 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
19545 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
19546 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
19547 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
19548 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
19549 of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
19550 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
19551 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
19552 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
19553 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
19554 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
19555 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
19556 poothtick comes out crean.
19558 Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
19559 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
19561 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19562 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
19563 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
19564 A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family.
19565 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
19566 rather than a spotted one.
19567 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
19568 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
19569 legume-part of the pea family.
19570 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
19572 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19573 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
19574 Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
19576 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
19577 Can you name the seven seas?
19578 Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
19579 North Pacific, South Pacific.
19580 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
19581 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
19583 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
19584 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
19586 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
19588 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
19589 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
19590 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
19592 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19593 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
19594 at least once a year.
19596 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
19598 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
19599 can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
19601 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
19602 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
19603 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
19604 ability in that particular field."
19606 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19608 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
19609 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
19611 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
19612 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
19614 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
19615 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
19616 movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
19617 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
19619 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
19621 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
19622 a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
19624 Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
19626 Don't Write On Walls!
19630 You want I should type?
19632 Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
19635 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
19636 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
19638 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
19640 if reality disappears?
19641 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
19642 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
19644 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
19645 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
19646 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
19647 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
19648 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
19649 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
19650 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
19651 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
19653 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
19655 if you get a phone call from Mars:
19656 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
19657 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
19658 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
19660 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
19661 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
19662 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
19663 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
19666 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
19667 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
19668 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
19669 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
19670 charges may have been reversed.
19672 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
19674 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
19675 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
19676 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
19677 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
19678 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
19679 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
19680 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
19682 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
19683 closet contains an alternate dimension?
19684 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
19685 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
19686 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
19687 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
19688 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
19690 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
19692 WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
19694 Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
19695 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
19696 combination of beauty and power. Few have
19697 excelled him in the use of the English language,
19698 or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
19699 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
19700 single poem ever written."
19702 Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
19703 doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
19704 of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
19705 bungling and greed of President
19708 ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
19709 not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
19711 Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
19712 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
19713 State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
19714 with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
19715 weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
19716 apply to female horses.
19718 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
19719 goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
19720 House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
19721 sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
19722 and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
19724 Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
19725 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
19726 Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
19727 Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
19728 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
19729 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
19731 Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
19732 teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
19734 Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
19736 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
19738 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
19740 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
19741 your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
19742 and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
19743 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
19745 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
19747 Q: Are you married?
19748 A: No, I'm divorced.
19749 Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
19750 A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
19752 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
19754 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
19755 A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
19757 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
19759 THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
19760 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
19763 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
19765 Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
19766 A: I will be three months November 8th.
19767 Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
19769 Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
19771 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
19773 Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
19775 Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
19776 A: Picking them up in the air.
19777 Q: Where was the dog at this time?
19778 A: Attached to the ears.
19780 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
19782 Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
19783 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
19784 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
19785 him to the station?
19786 MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
19788 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
19790 Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
19792 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
19794 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
19796 Q: What is your name?
19797 A: Ernestine McDowell.
19798 Q: And what is your marital status?
19801 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
19803 Q: What happened then?
19804 A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
19806 Q: Did he kill you?
19809 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
19811 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
19812 the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
19813 the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
19814 in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
19815 incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
19816 never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
19817 memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
19818 done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
19819 the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
19820 you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
19821 the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
19823 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
19824 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
19825 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
19827 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
19829 Never goose a wolverine.
19831 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
19833 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
19835 Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
19837 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
19838 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
19840 Four be the things I'd been better without:
19841 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
19843 Three be the things I shall never attain:
19844 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
19846 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
19847 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
19848 -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory"
19850 Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
19851 tombstones, women and competitors.
19852 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
19854 Four hours to bury the cat?
19855 Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
19857 Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
19858 ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
19859 This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
19860 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
19862 Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
19863 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
19864 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
19867 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
19868 study for that instructor's course.
19870 Fourth Law of Revision:
19871 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
19872 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
19875 Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
19876 almost one, it is damn near zero.
19879 Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
19882 Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
19885 Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
19886 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
19888 Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire.
19889 -- A Yippie proverb
19891 Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
19893 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
19895 Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
19898 Freedom is slavery.
19899 Ignorance is strength.
19903 Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
19905 Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
19906 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
19908 Fremen add life to spice!
19910 Fresco's Discovery:
19911 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
19913 Friction is a drag.
19916 Increased automation of clerical function
19917 invariably results in increased operational costs.
19919 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
19923 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
19925 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
19927 Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
19928 Let me clue you in;
19929 I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
19930 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
19931 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
19932 Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
19933 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
19934 And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
19935 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
19936 So are they all, all cool cats, --
19937 Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
19939 Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
19941 -- Honore de Balzac
19943 Frisbeetarianism, n.:
19944 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
19948 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
19949 Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
19950 frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
19951 sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
19952 manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
19953 search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
19954 turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
19955 he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
19956 screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
19957 turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
19959 Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
19960 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
19961 electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
19962 FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
19963 FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
19964 FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
19965 via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
19966 applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
19968 From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
19969 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
19971 From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
19972 That is the point that must be reached.
19975 From a Tru64 patch description:
19977 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
19979 [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
19980 Association, in Rome]:
19982 The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
19983 and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
19984 spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
19985 or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
19986 millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
19987 reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
19988 engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
19989 president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
19990 schizophrenia in mass genocide.
19992 From Italian tourist guide:
19994 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
19995 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
19997 From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
19999 From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
20002 From the crystal swirling waters,
20004 To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
20005 Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
20006 From ev'ry hallowed venue,
20007 Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
20008 Your butt is on the menu
20009 And the check is in the mail.
20010 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
20012 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
20013 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
20014 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
20016 [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
20019 The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
20020 MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
20021 featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
20022 against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
20023 "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
20024 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
20025 operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
20027 And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
20028 achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
20029 HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
20031 From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
20033 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
20034 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
20035 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
20036 volunteers who have worked hard to define international
20037 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
20038 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
20039 Italy celebrated on October 18."
20041 From the Pointless Comparison Collection:
20043 To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are,
20044 if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar
20045 system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up
20046 all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to
20047 set off the flash bulb on your camera once.
20049 -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network
20050 systems program at JPL
20052 From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
20053 instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
20054 experience in sound:
20056 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
20057 sound is normal for this type of connector.
20059 From too much love of living,
20060 From hope and fear set free,
20061 We thank with brief thanksgiving,
20062 Whatever gods may be,
20063 That no life lives forever,
20064 That dead men rise up never,
20065 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
20069 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
20072 Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
20073 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
20076 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
20077 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
20078 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
20081 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
20082 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
20085 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
20086 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
20087 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
20092 Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
20095 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
20096 even when you are the only person in line.
20097 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20099 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
20102 Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
20103 but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
20105 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
20107 Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
20108 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
20110 G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
20111 of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
20112 secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
20113 `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
20114 that's your chance, my boy."
20116 Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
20117 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
20118 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
20120 Garbage In - Gospel Out.
20123 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
20124 stockings and desolating the country.
20125 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20127 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
20128 our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
20129 -- Adventures of Asterix
20131 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
20133 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
20134 than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
20135 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
20137 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
20138 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
20139 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
20140 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
20141 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
20142 individuals and then grow ...
20143 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
20144 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
20145 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
20146 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
20147 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
20148 think not, my friend, I think not.
20149 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20151 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
20152 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
20153 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
20154 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
20155 in it today, either.
20157 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
20158 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
20159 because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
20160 for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
20163 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
20164 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while
20165 you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
20166 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
20167 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
20170 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
20171 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
20173 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20176 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
20177 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
20178 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20180 General notions are generally wrong.
20181 -- Lady M. W. Montagu
20183 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
20184 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
20186 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20190 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
20192 Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
20196 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
20197 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
20198 all the right things to all the right people.
20200 Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
20203 Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
20204 -- Thomas Alva Edison
20209 Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
20211 Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
20213 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
20217 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
20221 Why he stays in the bottle.
20224 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
20225 to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
20226 with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
20227 thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
20228 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
20229 manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
20230 I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
20231 Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
20232 exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
20233 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
20234 for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
20235 confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
20236 regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
20237 may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
20238 fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
20239 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
20240 my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
20241 why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
20242 must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
20243 one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
20244 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
20245 of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
20246 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
20247 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
20250 Gentlemen do not read each other's mail.
20251 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
20252 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
20255 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
20258 George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
20259 his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
20260 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
20262 Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
20263 had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
20264 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
20266 George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
20267 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
20269 George Orwell was an optimist.
20271 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
20272 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
20275 George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
20276 me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
20277 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
20278 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
20279 and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
20280 No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
20281 George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
20282 the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
20283 Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
20284 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
20285 yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
20286 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
20287 gonna get on Labor Day."
20289 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
20290 one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
20291 "And he didn't understand me."
20293 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
20294 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
20295 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
20296 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
20297 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
20298 much as to make the task totally impossible.
20300 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
20302 Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
20305 Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
20307 Getting into trouble is easy.
20308 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
20310 Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
20311 out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
20312 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
20313 of the American Bar Association
20315 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
20318 Following the rules will not get the job done.
20320 Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
20322 Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
20324 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
20325 Snatch them from their little housies (...)
20326 First we chase them 'round the field (...)
20327 Then we have them for a meal (...)
20329 Toss them here and catch them there (...)
20330 See them flying through the air (...)
20331 Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
20332 Falling mice have great appeal (...)
20334 See the hunter stretched before us (...)
20335 He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
20336 Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
20337 Of the blood of little critters (...)
20339 Gilbert's Discovery:
20340 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
20341 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
20343 Gil-galad was an Elven-King
20344 of him the harpers sadly sing;
20345 the last whose realm was fair and free
20346 between the Mountains and the Sea.
20348 His sword was long, his lance was keen,
20349 his shining helm afar was seen;
20350 the countless stars of heaven's field
20351 were mirrored in his silver shield.
20353 But long ago he rode away,
20354 and where he dwelleth none can say;
20355 for into darkness fell his star
20356 in Mordor where the shadows are.
20360 Ginsberg's Theorem:
20362 2. You can't break even.
20363 3. You can't even quit the game.
20365 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
20366 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
20367 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
20370 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
20371 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
20372 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
20375 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
20376 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
20378 GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
20380 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
20381 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
20384 Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
20385 that everything he encounters needs pounding.
20387 Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
20389 Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
20390 that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
20392 Give him an evasive answer.
20394 Give me a fish and I will eat today.
20395 Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
20397 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
20398 to stand, and I will drain the world.
20400 Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
20402 Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
20405 Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
20408 Give me libertines or give me meth.
20410 Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
20411 Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
20412 But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
20413 Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
20416 Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
20418 Give me your students, your secretaries,
20419 Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
20420 The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
20421 Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
20422 I lift my disk beside the processor.
20423 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
20425 Give thought to your reputation.
20426 Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
20430 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
20432 Give your very best today.
20433 Heaven knows it's little enough.
20435 Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
20436 -- William Faulkner
20438 Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
20439 Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
20442 Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
20444 Given sufficient time, what you put
20445 off doing today will get done by itself.
20447 Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around,
20448 I'd rather lie around. No contest.
20451 Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
20452 car keys to teenage boys.
20455 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:
20456 Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP
20457 machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
20458 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
20461 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
20462 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
20464 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
20465 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
20466 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
20467 some useful work done.
20469 Gloffing is a state of mine.
20471 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
20472 fifth of dry red wine
20474 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
20478 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
20479 a few pieces of dried orange peel
20481 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
20482 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
20483 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
20484 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
20485 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
20486 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
20487 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
20488 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
20489 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
20493 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
20495 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20497 Go ahead, make my day.
20498 -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan
20500 Go away, I'm all right.
20501 -- H. G. Wells' last words
20503 Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
20504 "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
20508 Go climb a gravity well.
20510 Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
20512 Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
20513 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
20515 Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
20516 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
20518 Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
20519 be in owning a piece thereof.
20520 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
20522 Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
20523 but quickly to their misfortunes.
20526 Go to a movie tonight.
20527 Darkness becomes you.
20529 Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
20533 The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
20534 teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
20535 in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
20538 Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
20539 religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
20540 on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
20541 secure which is not supported by moral habits.
20544 Go 'way! You're bothering me!
20546 Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
20550 Darwin's chief rival.
20552 God created a few perfect heads.
20553 The rest he covered with hair.
20556 And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
20557 but many other things ceased as well.
20558 Woman was God's second mistake.
20559 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
20561 God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
20562 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
20564 God doesn't play dice.
20567 God gave man two ears and one tongue so
20568 that we listen twice as much as we speak.
20571 "God gives burdens; also shoulders."
20573 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
20574 end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
20575 can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
20576 would he lie about a thing like that?
20577 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20579 God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
20580 change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
20582 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
20583 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
20584 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
20585 ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
20586 smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and
20587 water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in
20588 the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
20590 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
20592 God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
20593 that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
20594 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
20596 God help those who do not help themselves.
20599 God helps them that helps themselves.
20600 -- Benjamin Franklin
20602 God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
20604 God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
20605 but by pains and contradictions.
20608 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
20610 God is a polytheist.
20619 God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
20622 God is love, but get it in writing.
20625 God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
20626 much less ambitious project.
20628 God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's!
20630 God is real, unless declared integer.
20632 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
20633 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
20637 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
20640 God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
20642 God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
20644 God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
20647 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
20649 God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
20652 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
20655 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
20657 God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
20660 God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
20662 God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
20664 God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
20665 Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
20666 The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
20667 Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
20668 The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
20669 Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
20672 We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
20673 They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
20674 A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
20675 It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
20676 The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
20677 We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
20680 And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
20681 Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
20682 We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
20683 Won't ruin your whole day.
20684 You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
20686 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
20688 God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
20689 and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
20692 God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
20694 God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
20696 God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
20700 God votes Republican.
20702 God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
20706 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
20707 somebody moves the ends.
20709 Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
20711 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
20712 school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
20716 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
20717 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who
20718 immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold
20719 hasn't done anything to them.
20720 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
20722 Goldenstern's Rules:
20723 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
20724 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
20726 Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
20727 eating before he bursts.
20730 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
20733 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
20734 (2) Time accelerates.
20735 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
20737 Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
20738 -- by Margaret Mitchell
20740 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
20742 Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
20745 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
20747 The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
20748 -- by Ernest Hemingway
20750 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
20752 Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
20755 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
20757 Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
20759 Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
20761 -- La Rochefoucauld
20763 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
20765 Good day for business affairs.
20766 Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
20768 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
20770 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
20772 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
20774 Good day to deal with people in high places;
20775 particularly lonely stewardesses.
20777 Good day to let down old friends who need help.
20779 Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
20780 at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
20781 ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
20782 song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
20784 Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two.
20786 Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
20788 Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
20789 those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
20790 will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
20791 government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
20792 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
20794 "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
20796 Good judgment comes from experience.
20797 Experience comes from bad judgment.
20800 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
20802 Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
20803 giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
20804 at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
20806 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
20808 Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
20810 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
20812 Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
20814 Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
20816 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
20819 Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
20822 Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
20825 Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
20826 -- George Saunders' dying words
20828 Goodbye, cool world.
20830 Gordon's first law:
20831 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
20835 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
20837 Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
20838 time travel, you never can tell.
20839 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Androids of Tara"
20842 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
20845 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
20847 Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
20848 Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
20852 Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
20854 Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
20855 I went out for a ride and never came back.
20856 Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
20857 I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
20859 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20860 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20861 Lay down your money and you play your part,
20862 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20864 I met her in a Kingstown bar,
20865 We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
20866 We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
20867 Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
20869 Everybody needs a place to rest,
20870 Everybody wants to have a home.
20871 Don't make no difference what nobody says,
20872 Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
20873 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
20876 Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
20879 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
20880 to complain about unstructured programmers.
20884 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
20885 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
20886 leaving the best part.
20888 Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
20891 Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
20892 -- John Updike, "Couples"
20894 Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
20897 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
20898 more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
20900 -- The Best of Will Rogers
20903 There is an exception to all laws.
20905 Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
20906 leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
20908 -- Princess Leia Organa
20911 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
20913 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
20915 Graduate students and most professors are
20916 no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
20918 Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
20920 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
20921 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
20922 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
20924 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
20925 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20927 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
20929 Graphics blind the eyes.
20930 Audio files deafen the ear.
20931 Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
20932 Heuristics weaken the mind.
20933 Options wither the heart.
20935 The Guru observes the net
20936 but trusts his inner vision.
20937 He allows things to come and go.
20938 His heart is as open as the ether.
20941 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
20943 Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
20947 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
20949 Gravity brings me down.
20951 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
20953 Gray's Law of Programming:
20954 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
20955 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
20957 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
20958 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
20960 Great acts are made up of small deeds.
20963 Great American Axiom:
20964 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
20966 Great minds run in great circles.
20968 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
20970 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
20971 place of residence.
20973 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
20975 Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
20977 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
20979 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
20981 Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
20984 They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
20985 also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
20988 Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
20990 Green light in A.M. for new projects.
20991 Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
20994 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
20996 Green's Law of Debate:
20997 Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
20999 Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming:
21000 Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains
21001 an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation
21002 of half of Common Lisp.
21005 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
21008 grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
21010 Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
21011 value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
21015 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
21017 Grig (the navigator):
21018 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
21022 Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
21024 Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
21025 Grig: That's the spirit!
21026 -- The Last Starfighter
21028 Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
21029 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
21031 Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
21032 groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
21035 Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
21036 -- Maurice Chevalier
21038 Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
21039 reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
21040 concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
21041 disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
21042 any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
21043 meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
21044 Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
21045 adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
21046 authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
21047 television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
21048 sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
21049 combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
21050 universe while straddling a giant worm.
21053 Grub first, then ethics.
21057 A French chopping center.
21060 The probability of a given event
21061 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
21063 Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
21065 Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
21066 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
21067 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
21068 (2) The strength of the turbulence
21069 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
21072 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
21073 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
21074 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
21077 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
21078 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
21079 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
21082 A computer owner who can read the manual.
21085 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
21086 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
21087 other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
21088 mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
21089 other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
21090 offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
21091 torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
21092 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
21094 H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
21095 Slice him up before he slays you.
21096 Nothing makes you look a slob
21097 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
21098 -- The Roguelet's ABC
21100 H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
21101 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
21102 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
21104 H. L. Mencken's Law:
21105 Those who can -- do.
21106 Those who can't -- teach.
21108 Martin's Extension:
21109 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
21111 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
21114 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
21115 things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
21116 philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack".
21117 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
21118 of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
21119 a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
21120 and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
21122 Hacker's Fight Song
21124 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
21125 He's a guy with the happy knack!
21126 Never bungles, never shirks,
21127 Always gets his stuff to work!
21129 All take a drink (important!)
21131 Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers.
21133 Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
21134 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
21135 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
21136 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
21137 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
21138 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
21139 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
21140 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
21141 "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
21142 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
21143 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
21144 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
21145 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
21147 "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
21148 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
21149 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
21150 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
21151 "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
21152 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
21153 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
21156 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
21157 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
21159 Hackers of the world, unite!
21161 Hacker's Quicky #313:
21162 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
21166 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
21168 Had he and I but met
21169 By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
21170 We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
21171 Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
21172 And killed him in his place.
21173 I shot him dead because --
21174 Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
21175 Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
21176 That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
21177 No other reason why.
21178 Yes; quaint and curious war is!
21179 You shoot a fellow down
21180 You'd treat, if met where any bar is
21181 Or help to half-a-crown.
21184 Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
21185 useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
21186 -- Alfonso the Wise
21188 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
21189 referring to operating system initialization.]
21191 Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
21192 fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
21194 Hail to the sun god
21195 He's such a fun god
21198 Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
21200 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
21201 enough majority in any town?
21202 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
21204 Hale Mail Rule, The:
21205 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
21206 one of the following:
21207 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
21210 (d) The letter you are answering.
21212 Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
21213 But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
21214 But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
21215 When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
21217 Half Moon tonight. (At least it is better than no Moon at all.)
21219 Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
21221 Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
21222 and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
21225 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
21226 crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
21227 between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
21228 the difference between life and death.
21229 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
21230 there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
21231 airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
21232 Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
21233 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
21234 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
21235 man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
21236 Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
21237 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
21239 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
21241 Hall's Laws of Politics:
21242 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
21243 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
21245 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
21246 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
21247 their own districts).
21250 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
21251 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
21252 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21255 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
21257 Handshaking protocol, n.:
21258 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
21259 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
21260 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
21262 Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
21266 The wrath of grapes.
21269 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
21272 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
21273 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
21276 Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
21278 Happiness is a hard disk.
21280 Happiness is a positive cash flow.
21282 Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
21285 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
21288 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
21290 Happiness is the greatest good.
21292 Happiness is twin floppies.
21294 Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
21296 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
21299 Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
21302 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
21304 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21307 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
21309 Happy feast of the pig!
21311 Happy is the child whose father died rich.
21314 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
21317 Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
21320 Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
21322 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
21323 -- Charlie McCarthy
21326 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
21328 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
21329 The Duke is fond of kittens
21330 He likes to take their insides out
21331 And use them for his mittens
21334 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
21335 Advertising wondrous things.
21338 Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
21339 convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
21342 Harp not on that string.
21343 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21345 Harriet's Dining Observation:
21346 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
21347 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
21349 Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
21350 and I were waiting with our plates ready.
21351 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
21353 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
21354 reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
21355 again, Harris and the pie were gone!
21356 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
21357 hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
21358 on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
21359 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
21360 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
21361 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
21362 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
21364 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
21365 to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
21366 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
21367 hadn't been carving that pie."
21368 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
21370 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
21371 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
21373 Harrison's Postulate:
21374 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
21377 All the good ones are taken.
21379 Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
21380 always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
21381 required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
21382 were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
21383 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
21384 a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
21385 pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
21386 procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
21387 took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
21388 the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
21389 again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
21390 waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
21391 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
21392 was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
21393 could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
21396 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
21397 makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
21398 famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
21399 probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
21400 have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
21401 enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
21402 attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
21403 down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
21404 just like Richard Nixon."
21405 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
21407 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
21408 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
21409 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
21410 with all that pep and vitality.
21412 Hartley's First Law:
21413 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
21414 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
21416 Hartley's Second Law:
21417 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
21420 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
21423 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
21424 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
21425 organism will do as it damn well pleases.
21429 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
21430 a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski
21431 has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
21432 has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
21434 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
21435 Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
21436 fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
21437 or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
21438 asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
21442 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
21443 Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
21444 Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
21445 the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
21446 out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
21448 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
21450 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
21452 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
21453 typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
21454 keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
21455 of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
21456 not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
21458 Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
21459 appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
21460 and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
21461 not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
21462 incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
21463 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
21469 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
21471 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
21472 -- "Night After Night", 1932
21474 Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
21475 stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
21477 Hate the sin and love the sinner.
21480 Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
21481 unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
21485 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
21487 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21489 Have a coke and a smile!
21494 Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
21496 Have a place for everything and keep the thing
21497 somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
21503 Have an adequate day.
21507 Have no friends not equal to yourself.
21510 Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
21511 to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
21512 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
21514 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
21515 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
21516 only serves to blunt the warning signs.
21518 Long live the revolution!
21521 Have the courage to take your own thoughts
21522 seriously, for they will shape you.
21525 Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
21526 halfway between an oven and a pasture?
21527 walking in a trance toward a pregnant
21528 seventeen-year-old housewife's
21529 two-day-old cookbook?
21530 -- Richard Brautigan
21532 Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
21534 Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
21535 she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
21536 whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
21537 So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
21539 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
21541 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
21542 you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
21545 Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs,
21546 I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container
21547 filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
21548 sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in
21549 their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
21550 mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything, which is why
21551 they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
21552 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
21554 Have you flogged your kid today?
21556 Have you locked your file cabinet?
21558 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
21559 crack in your sidewalk?
21561 Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
21562 sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
21563 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
21565 Have you reconsidered a computer career?
21567 Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
21568 photograph an American with his mouth shut!
21570 Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
21571 Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
21572 In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
21573 Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
21575 How can you tell me you're lonely,
21576 And say for you the sun don't shine?
21577 Let me take you by the hand
21578 Lead you through the streets of London
21579 I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
21581 Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
21582 Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
21583 In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
21584 For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
21586 Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
21587 On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
21588 High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
21589 Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
21590 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21591 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21593 Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
21594 Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
21595 Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
21596 Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
21597 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21599 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21600 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21601 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21602 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21603 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21604 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21606 Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
21607 in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
21608 then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
21609 eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
21610 blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
21611 the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
21612 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
21614 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
21616 Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
21619 Having no talent is no longer enough.
21622 Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
21623 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21625 Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
21628 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
21629 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
21630 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
21631 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
21634 Hawkeye's Conclusion:
21635 It's not easy to play the clown
21636 when you've got to run the whole circus.
21638 He: Do you like Kipling?
21639 She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
21641 He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
21642 She: "What do you want me to yell?"
21645 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
21646 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
21649 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
21652 He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
21653 effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
21655 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
21657 He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
21658 the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
21659 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
21661 He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
21662 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
21664 He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
21665 finer than the staple of his argument.
21666 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
21668 He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
21671 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
21673 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
21674 perfectly delightful.
21677 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
21678 heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
21679 of ever behaving "normally."
21680 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
21682 He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
21685 He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
21686 Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
21689 He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
21692 He hath eaten me out of house and home.
21693 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
21695 He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
21696 of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
21697 said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
21698 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
21700 He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
21703 He is considered a most graceful speaker
21704 who can say nothing in the most words.
21706 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
21708 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
21711 He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
21714 He is the best of men who dislikes power.
21717 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
21719 He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
21720 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
21722 He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
21724 He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
21725 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
21727 He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
21728 -- Sir Richard Burton
21730 He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
21731 once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
21733 He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
21736 He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
21739 He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
21740 had fallen to the ground.
21741 -- The Book of Serenity
21743 (He opens a tolm and begins.)
21745 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
21746 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
21747 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
21748 I must translate it otherwise.
21749 If I am well inspired and not blind.
21750 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
21751 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
21752 Lest you should write too hastily.
21753 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
21754 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
21755 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
21756 That my translation must be changed again.
21757 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
21758 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
21759 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
21761 [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
21762 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear
21764 My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
21765 -- Peter Stack, movie review
21767 His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
21768 -- John Stark, movie review
21770 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
21771 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
21773 He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
21774 And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
21775 -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband
21777 He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
21778 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
21780 He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
21781 -- Scottish proverb
21783 He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
21784 -- Benjamin Franklin
21786 He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
21787 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
21789 He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
21790 -- Benjamin Franklin
21792 He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
21794 He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
21795 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
21797 He thought he saw an albatross
21798 That fluttered 'round the lamp.
21799 He looked again and saw it was
21800 A penny postage stamp.
21801 "You'd best be getting home," he said,
21802 "The nights are rather damp."
21804 He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
21805 three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
21806 In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
21807 slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
21808 the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
21809 -- Eric Van Lustbader
21811 [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
21815 He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
21817 He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
21818 made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
21819 disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
21820 dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
21821 told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
21824 He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
21827 He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
21830 He was part of my dream, of course --
21831 but then I was part of his dream too.
21833 "Through the Looking-Glass,
21834 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
21836 He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
21838 He was the sort of person whose personality
21839 would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
21841 He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
21843 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
21844 attacks democracy itself.
21845 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
21847 He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
21848 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
21850 He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
21851 the human condition is a fool.
21854 He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
21855 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
21857 He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
21858 -- Honore de Balzac
21860 He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
21863 He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
21865 He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
21867 He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
21869 He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
21871 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
21873 He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
21874 a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
21875 -- Giacomo Leopardi
21877 He who hates vices hates mankind.
21879 He who hesitates is a damned fool.
21882 He who hesitates is last.
21884 He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
21886 He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
21888 He who invents adages for others to peruse
21889 takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
21891 He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
21893 He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
21895 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
21897 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
21898 encounter many rivals.
21899 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
21901 He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
21902 night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
21903 senses until the day of judgment.
21906 He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
21908 He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
21911 He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
21912 He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
21913 He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
21915 He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
21916 But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
21917 And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
21918 he knows something. Or something like that.
21920 He who knows others is wise.
21921 He who knows himself is enlightened.
21924 He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
21927 He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
21930 He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
21932 He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
21934 He who laughs last is probably your boss.
21936 He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
21938 He who laughs, lasts.
21940 He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
21942 He who loses, wins the race,
21943 And parallel lines meet in space.
21944 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
21946 He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
21949 He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
21951 He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
21952 be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
21953 -- Sir Richard Burton
21955 He who slings mud generally loses ground.
21956 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
21958 He who slings mud loses ground.
21961 He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
21963 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
21965 He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
21968 He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
21971 He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
21972 on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
21973 education and culture.
21974 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
21976 HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
21979 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
21981 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
21986 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
21987 started chiseling on his wife?
21990 the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
21991 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
21994 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
21995 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
21998 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
21999 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
22000 up a chopped libber?
22003 the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because
22004 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
22007 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
22008 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
22012 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
22013 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
22014 typewriter's ribbon?
22017 the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
22018 One fortunate cookie...
22020 Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
22021 From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
22022 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
22024 Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
22025 Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
22027 Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
22028 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
22030 Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
22031 on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
22032 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
22033 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
22036 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
22037 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
22039 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22041 Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
22042 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
22045 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
22047 Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
22049 Heisenberg may have been here.
22051 Heisenberg may have slept here.
22053 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
22056 Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
22057 for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
22058 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
22060 Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
22061 how are they supposed to know you care?
22063 Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
22064 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
22067 Truth seen too late.
22070 The first myth of management is that it exists.
22072 Johnson's Corollary:
22073 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
22076 Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
22077 please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
22078 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
22080 Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
22081 date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
22082 And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
22083 you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
22084 smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
22085 don't hear your girl screaming any more?
22087 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
22088 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
22089 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
22092 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
22094 Hell's broken loose.
22097 Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
22099 Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
22101 HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
22103 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
22106 Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
22108 Help fight continental drift.
22110 HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune!
22112 Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
22114 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
22116 Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
22118 Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
22119 getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
22120 her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
22121 regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
22122 them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
22123 them, without any power of engaging their respect.
22126 Her locks an ancient lady gave
22127 Her loving husband's life to save;
22128 And men -- they honored so the dame --
22129 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
22131 But to our modern married fair,
22132 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
22133 No stellar recognition's given.
22134 There are not stars enough in heaven.
22136 Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
22137 from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth...
22139 Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
22141 Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
22142 I've been caught inside this trap too many times
22143 I must've walked these steps and said these words a
22144 thousand times before
22145 It seems like I know everybody's lines.
22146 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
22148 Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
22152 Here I sit, broken-hearted,
22153 All logged in, but work unstarted.
22154 First net.this and net.that,
22155 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
22157 The boss comes by, and I play the game,
22158 Then I turn back to net.flame.
22159 Is there a cure (I need your views),
22160 For someone trapped in net.news?
22162 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
22163 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
22165 Here in my heart, I am Helen;
22166 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
22167 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
22168 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
22170 Here in my soul I am Sappho;
22171 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
22172 In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
22173 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
22175 I'm all of the glamorous ladies
22176 At whose beckoning history shook.
22177 But you are a man, and see only my pan,
22178 So I stay at home with a book.
22181 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
22182 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
22183 your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
22184 Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
22185 pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
22186 but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
22187 important electrical lesson.
22189 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
22190 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
22191 objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
22192 attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
22193 collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
22194 friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
22195 carpet, thus completing the circuit.
22197 Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
22198 touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
22199 finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
22201 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
22203 Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
22204 if you're alive, it isn't.
22206 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
22207 to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
22208 marketing anxiety in China.
22210 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
22211 inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
22213 Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
22215 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
22216 a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
22217 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
22218 satiric vistas do not open up.
22219 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
22221 HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
22222 SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
22225 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
22227 Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
22228 Now she's at rest, and so am I.
22229 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
22231 Here there by tygers.
22233 HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
22234 the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
22235 around as if you're going to fall.
22236 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
22238 Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline
22239 like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?
22243 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
22245 He's been like a father to me,
22246 He's the only DJ you can get after three,
22247 I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
22248 And why he don't like me I don't understand.
22253 He's got the heart of a little child,
22254 and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
22256 He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
22258 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
22260 He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
22261 his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
22264 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
22265 there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
22267 He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is.
22269 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,
22270 then they'd be algorithms.
22272 Hewett's Observation:
22273 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
22274 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
22275 peers similarly engaged.
22277 Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!
22280 Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
22281 To get a little more stack;
22282 If that's not enough then you lose it all
22283 And have to pop all the way back.
22285 Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
22286 gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
22288 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
22289 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
22290 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
22291 these words were spoken.
22293 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
22294 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
22297 Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
22298 Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
22300 Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
22301 the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
22302 leave your name and message after the beep...
22304 Hi! How are things going?
22305 (just fine, thank you...)
22306 Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
22307 (you just asked one...)
22308 Well, how about one more?
22309 (one more than the first one?)
22311 (you already asked that...)
22312 [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
22313 May I ask two questions, sir?
22315 May I ask ONE then?
22317 Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
22319 Sir, how may I ask you a question?
22320 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
22321 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
22322 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
22324 Sir, may I ask nine questions?
22325 (go right ahead...)
22327 Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
22328 As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
22329 equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
22330 Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
22331 probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
22332 course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
22333 experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
22334 of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
22336 Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
22337 motto is: "It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain."
22338 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
22340 Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
22341 You wanna help on the audit now?
22343 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
22344 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
22345 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
22347 Hickery Dickery Dock,
22348 The mice ran up the clock,
22349 The clock struck one,
22350 The others escaped with minor injuries.
22352 Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
22356 Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
22358 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
22359 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
22360 Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
22361 Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
22362 We buried him today because
22363 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
22364 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
22365 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
22366 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
22371 Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb:
22372 "Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis --
22373 Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom."
22375 Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
22376 Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
22378 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
22380 High heels are a device invented by a woman
22381 who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
22383 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
22384 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
22385 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
22386 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
22387 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
22388 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
22389 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
22390 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
22391 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
22392 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
22393 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
22394 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
22395 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
22396 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
22397 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
22399 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
22402 A California innovation composed
22403 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
22405 Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
22407 Hildebrant's Principle:
22408 If you don't know where you are going,
22409 any road will get you there.
22411 Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
22412 Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
22413 Him: "Really? That's incredible...
22414 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
22417 Hindsight is always 20:20.
22421 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
22422 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
22423 The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
22424 is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full
22426 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22428 Hire the morally handicapped.
22430 His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
22431 a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
22432 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
22434 ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
22437 His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
22438 outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew...
22440 His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
22441 to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
22442 claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
22443 stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
22444 Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
22445 went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
22446 prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
22447 goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
22448 the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
22449 Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
22450 rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
22451 Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
22452 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
22454 His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
22455 money, he went to Southern California.
22457 His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
22459 His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
22462 His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
22464 His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
22467 His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
22469 Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
22470 of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
22471 continues to this day.
22474 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
22476 History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
22477 of the Mexican revolution:
22479 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
22480 captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
22481 shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
22482 the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
22483 army where he was then executed."
22485 History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
22486 i.e. none to speak of.
22489 History is curious stuff
22490 You'd think by now we had enough
22491 Yet the fact remains I fear
22492 They make more of it every year.
22494 History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
22495 cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
22498 History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
22500 History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
22501 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
22503 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
22505 History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
22506 time as bedroom farce.
22508 History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
22510 History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
22511 periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
22512 asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
22513 intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
22514 state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
22515 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
22517 Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
22518 Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
22519 Pour my black old coffee longer,
22520 While that smell is gettin' stronger
22521 A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
22523 Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
22524 With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
22525 If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
22526 The Lord'll bless your sharin'
22527 A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
22529 And let me halfway fall in love,
22530 For part of a lonely night,
22531 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22532 Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
22533 Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
22534 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22537 Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
22538 The stapler runs out of staples
22539 only while you are trying to staple something.
22542 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
22543 will find an easier way to do it.
22545 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
22546 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
22548 The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
22549 media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
22550 discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
22551 our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
22552 structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
22553 remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
22554 creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
22555 inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
22556 class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
22557 the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
22558 sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
22559 exist in a more fundamental sense.
22561 Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
22562 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
22564 Hodie natus est radici frater.
22566 Hoffer's Discovery:
22567 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
22568 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
22571 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
22572 Hofstadter's Law into account.
22574 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
22575 Take a shot every time:
22577 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
22578 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
22579 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
22580 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
22581 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
22582 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
22583 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
22584 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
22585 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
22586 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
22587 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
22588 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
22589 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
22590 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
22591 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
22592 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
22593 -- Lebeau wears his apron.
22594 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
22595 plan is impossible.
22596 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
22599 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
22601 Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
22604 Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
22605 Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
22607 Tune in again tomorrow:
22608 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
22612 Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
22613 they have to take you in.
22614 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
22616 Home is where the hurt is.
22618 Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
22619 cage is to a cockatoo.
22620 -- George Bernard Shaw
22622 Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
22623 The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
22626 Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
22628 "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
22631 Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
22634 Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
22636 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
22639 Honesty's the best policy.
22640 -- Miguel de Cervantes
22643 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
22646 Honi soit la vache qui rit.
22648 Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
22650 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
22653 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
22654 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
22655 honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
22656 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22658 Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
22661 Hope is a waking dream.
22664 Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
22667 Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
22669 Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
22672 Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
22673 as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
22676 Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
22677 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
22679 Horngren's Observation:
22680 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
22682 Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
22685 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
22688 HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
22690 HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
22692 Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
22693 had towels from my house.
22696 Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
22699 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
22700 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
22702 Housework can kill you if done right.
22705 Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
22708 How apt the poor are to be proud.
22709 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
22711 How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
22713 How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind?
22716 How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
22717 -- Charles de Gaulle
22719 How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
22722 How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
22723 thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
22724 in the waking state?
22727 How can you think and hit at the same time?
22730 How can you work when the system's so crowded?
22732 How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
22734 How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
22735 claim they'll make you?
22737 How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
22739 How come we never talk anymore?
22741 How come wrong numbers are never busy?
22743 How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
22744 in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
22747 How could they think women a recreation?
22748 Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
22749 Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
22750 of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
22751 be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
22752 Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
22753 I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
22754 of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
22755 The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
22756 Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
22757 A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
22758 I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
22759 for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
22760 To ambergris. But not for recreation.
22761 I would not have lost so much for recreation.
22763 Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
22764 of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
22765 Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
22766 have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
22767 But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
22768 To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
22769 and call and call forever till she turn from bird
22770 to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
22771 To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
22772 in all her fresh particularity of difference.
22773 Then oh, through the underwater time of night
22774 indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
22775 This I have done with my life, and am content.
22776 I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
22777 standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
22778 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
22780 How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
22782 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
22785 How doth the little crocodile
22786 Improve his shining tail,
22787 And pour the waters of the Nile
22788 On every golden scale!
22790 How cheerfully he seems to grin,
22791 How neatly spreads his claws,
22792 And welcomes little fishes in,
22793 With gently smiling jaws!
22794 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
22796 How doth the VAX's C-compiler
22797 Improve its object code.
22798 And even as we speak does it
22799 Increase the system load.
22801 How patiently it seems to run
22802 And spit out error flags,
22803 While users, with frustration, all
22804 Tear all their clothes to rags.
22806 How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
22807 journalists, and they believe what they read.
22808 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
22810 How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
22812 How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
22813 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
22815 "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
22816 carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
22818 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
22819 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
22820 what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
22821 say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
22822 back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
22823 cheese!" and so on.
22824 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
22826 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
22828 How many weeks are there in a light year?
22830 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
22832 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
22834 How much does she love you?
22835 Less than you'll ever know.
22837 How much for your women? I want to buy your
22838 daughter... how much for the little girl?
22839 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
22841 How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
22843 How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
22845 How often I found where I should be going
22846 only by setting out for somewhere else.
22847 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
22849 How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
22851 How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
22854 How to become a sysop:
22855 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
22856 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've
22857 never worked a full day in my life since then.
22860 How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
22861 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
22863 How untasteful can you get?
22865 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
22867 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22868 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
22870 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22871 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
22873 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22874 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
22877 How you look depends on where you go.
22880 Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
22882 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
22883 manner ... sulking and nausea.
22886 However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
22887 is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
22888 There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
22889 or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
22890 powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
22891 sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
22892 not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
22893 government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
22894 with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
22895 threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
22896 tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
22897 that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
22898 "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
22899 claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
22900 angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
22901 who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
22902 call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
22903 of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
22904 in the name of "conservatism."
22905 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
22907 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
22908 that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
22909 changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
22910 was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
22911 amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
22912 was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
22913 -- Albuquerque Journal
22916 Don't take life too seriously;
22917 you won't get out of it alive.
22919 Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
22921 I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
22926 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
22928 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
22929 Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
22930 table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
22931 a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
22932 walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
22933 x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
22935 Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
22936 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
22938 Human resources are human first, and resources second.
22941 Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
22942 responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
22946 Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
22949 Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
22950 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
22952 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
22954 Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
22957 Humorists always sit at the children's table.
22960 "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
22961 chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
22962 jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
22963 state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
22964 through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
22965 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
22966 Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
22967 You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
22968 dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
22970 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
22972 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
22973 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
22974 All the king's horses,
22975 And all the king's men,
22976 Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
22978 Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
22980 Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
22981 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
22982 to... to... uh.....
22984 Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given
22985 time, turns into people.
22989 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
22990 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
22992 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
22993 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
22995 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
22997 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
22999 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
23000 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
23002 -- Norman Augustine
23004 I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
23005 are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
23006 carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
23007 terrifies people the most.
23010 I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
23013 I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
23016 I allow the world to live as it chooses,
23017 and I allow myself to live as I choose.
23019 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
23020 or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
23021 viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
23022 -- Richard M. Nixon
23024 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
23025 -- Richard M. Nixon
23027 I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
23028 good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
23029 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
23031 I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
23034 I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
23035 It is never any good to oneself.
23036 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
23038 I always say beauty is only sin deep.
23039 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
23041 I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
23042 accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
23043 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
23045 I always wake up at the crack of ice.
23048 I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
23049 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
23050 I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
23051 On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
23052 I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
23053 The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
23054 Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
23055 And a cow. And a cow.
23057 The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
23058 Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
23059 The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
23060 It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
23061 Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
23062 One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
23063 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
23064 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
23065 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
23067 I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
23068 person, you will not sell me another book.
23071 I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
23073 I am a conscientious man, when I throw
23074 rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
23075 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
23077 I am a deeply superficial person.
23080 I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
23084 I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
23085 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
23087 I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
23088 computer to be running Win98.
23089 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
23091 I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
23092 limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
23093 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
23095 I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
23096 -- Winston Churchill
23098 I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
23099 have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
23100 This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
23101 reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
23103 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
23105 I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
23106 for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
23107 is to suffer for others.
23110 I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
23111 quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
23112 otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
23113 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
23115 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
23116 -- Katharine Whitehorn
23118 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
23119 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
23120 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
23123 I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
23124 of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
23125 you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
23126 atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
23127 inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering.
23128 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
23130 I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
23131 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
23133 I am looking for a honest man.
23134 -- Diogenes the Cynic
23136 I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
23141 -- Richard M. Nixon
23143 I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
23146 I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
23147 -- William Allen White
23149 I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
23152 I am not now and never have been a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger.
23155 I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
23156 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
23158 I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it.
23159 -- English Professor
23161 I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
23162 that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
23163 planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
23164 world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
23167 I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do
23168 something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what
23170 -- Edward Everett Hale, (1822 - 1909)
23172 I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
23173 (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
23174 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
23176 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the
23177 great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
23178 -- Winston Churchill
23180 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
23181 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
23182 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
23184 I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
23185 with an option to buy.
23187 I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
23189 I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
23191 I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
23194 I am two with nature.
23197 I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
23198 I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
23201 I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
23202 sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
23203 loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
23204 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
23205 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
23207 I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
23208 argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
23209 steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
23210 they don't even invite me.
23213 I asked a teacher what the opposite of a miracle was and she, without
23214 thinking, I assume, said it was an act of God.
23215 -- Terry Prachett (Daily Mail 21 june 2008)
23217 I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
23218 why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
23219 small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
23220 would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
23221 Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
23222 them completely, even molding the keypads.
23223 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
23225 I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
23226 ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
23234 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
23237 I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
23238 perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
23239 I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
23240 and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
23241 a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
23242 together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
23243 wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
23244 the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
23245 be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
23246 to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
23247 as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
23248 twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
23250 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
23252 I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
23253 particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
23256 I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
23257 -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
23258 how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
23259 to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
23260 political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
23261 because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
23262 the people who might elect him.
23265 I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
23266 -- G. K. Chesterton
23268 I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
23271 I believe that professional wrestling is clean
23272 and everything else in the world is fixed.
23273 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
23275 I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
23276 thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
23277 total discrediting of the world of reality.
23280 I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
23283 I bet the human brain is a kludge.
23286 I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
23287 the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
23288 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23290 I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
23291 end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
23292 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
23293 they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
23294 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23296 I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
23297 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
23298 a visit to a London veterans hospital
23300 I brake for chezlogs!
23302 I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
23303 Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
23304 box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
23305 relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
23306 psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
23307 more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
23308 sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
23309 be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
23310 as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
23311 thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
23312 the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
23313 your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
23314 your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
23315 apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
23316 down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
23319 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
23322 I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
23323 They're still living in the fifties.
23326 I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
23328 I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
23329 All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
23330 -- The Firesign Theatre
23332 I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
23334 I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
23335 prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
23336 bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
23340 I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
23341 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
23343 I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
23346 I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
23347 and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
23350 I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
23352 I can relate to that.
23354 I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
23355 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
23359 I can resist anything but temptation.
23361 I can see him a'comin'
23362 With his big boots on,
23363 With his big thumb out,
23364 He wants to get me.
23365 He wants to hurt me.
23366 He wants to bring me down.
23367 But some time later,
23368 When I feel a little straighter,
23369 I'll come across a stranger
23370 Who'll remind me of the danger,
23371 And then.... I'll run him over.
23372 Pretty smart on my part!
23373 To find my way... In the dark!
23376 I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
23377 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
23380 I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
23383 I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
23384 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
23386 I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
23387 of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
23388 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
23390 I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
23391 If it be man's work I will do it.
23393 I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
23395 What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
23396 grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
23397 of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
23398 United States would have lost World War II."
23399 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
23401 I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
23404 I can't come back, I don't know how it works.
23405 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
23407 I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
23410 I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
23411 -- Florence Henderson
23413 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
23416 I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
23417 If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
23418 I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
23419 Your Socks Outside-in
23420 I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
23421 Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
23422 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
23423 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
23424 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
23425 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
23427 I can't mate in captivity.
23428 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married
23430 I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
23431 It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
23434 I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
23435 -- Albert Anastasia
23437 I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
23438 forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
23439 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
23440 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
23443 I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can
23445 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
23447 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
23448 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
23451 I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
23452 I'm frightened of the old ones.
23455 "I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
23456 instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
23457 standing still ..."
23460 I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
23461 keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
23465 I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
23466 a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
23467 -- Michael Prichard
23469 I consider a new device or technology to have been
23470 culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
23473 I consider the day misspent that I am not
23474 either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
23475 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
23477 I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
23478 dance with the cows till you come home.
23481 I could never learn to like her --
23482 except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
23485 I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
23487 I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps
23488 the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand...
23491 I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
23493 I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
23494 I should have to believe in it in this one.
23497 I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
23500 I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
23501 But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
23504 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
23506 I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
23508 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The
23511 I disagree with what you say, but will defend
23512 to the death your right to tell such LIES!
23514 I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
23515 and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
23516 unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
23517 you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
23518 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23520 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
23521 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
23522 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23524 I do desire we may be better strangers.
23525 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
23527 I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
23529 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
23530 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
23531 minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
23532 accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
23533 mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
23534 bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
23536 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
23538 I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
23539 Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
23540 nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
23543 I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
23544 quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
23545 the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
23546 and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
23547 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
23548 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
23549 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
23550 Cardinals backed down and played.
23552 I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
23555 I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
23556 with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
23559 I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
23560 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
23562 I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
23563 any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
23564 comes nearest to it of any.
23565 -- Henry David Thoreau
23567 I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
23568 butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
23571 I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
23572 starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
23573 reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
23574 devote it to research in mathematics.
23575 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
23577 I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
23578 I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
23582 I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
23585 I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
23586 don't believe in astrology.
23587 -- James R. F. Quirk
23589 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
23590 a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
23593 I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
23594 a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
23595 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
23597 I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
23598 run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
23599 husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
23600 -- The Best of Will Rogers
23602 I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
23603 -- Heard in Bethlehem
23605 I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
23608 I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
23612 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
23613 deserve that either.
23616 I don't do it for the money.
23617 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
23619 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
23622 I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
23623 -- Katherine Cebrian
23625 I don't get no respect.
23627 I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
23628 I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
23630 I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
23631 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
23633 I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
23634 highly trained certified public accountants.
23637 I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
23638 people waiting to abuse me.
23639 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
23641 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
23642 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
23645 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
23648 I don't know what Descartes' got,
23649 But booze can do what Kant cannot.
23652 I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
23653 more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
23656 I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
23657 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
23659 I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
23661 I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
23662 eat it, and I just hate it.
23665 I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
23667 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
23668 with Dutch Schultz.
23670 I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
23671 trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
23672 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
23675 I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
23678 I don't mind arguing with myself.
23679 It's when I lose that it bothers me.
23682 I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
23685 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
23686 streets and frighten the horses.
23689 I don't need no arms around me...
23690 I don't need no drugs to calm me...
23691 I have seen the writing on the wall.
23692 Don't think I need anything at all.
23693 No! Don't think I need anything at all!
23694 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23695 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23696 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
23698 I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
23700 I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
23702 I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
23703 he starts to practice law.
23704 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
23707 I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
23708 fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
23709 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23711 "I don't think so," said Ren'
\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
23713 I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
23714 Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
23715 -- Richard M. Nixon, 1972
23717 "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
23718 to the sea and drown yourselves."
23720 "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
23721 you human beings don't."
23724 I don't understand you anymore.
23726 I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
23727 But there will definitely be a party tonight...
23729 I don't want a pickle,
23730 I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
23731 And I don't want to die,
23732 I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
23735 I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
23738 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
23739 I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
23742 I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
23743 the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
23744 thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
23745 broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
23746 Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
23747 their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
23748 -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
23751 I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
23753 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
23756 I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
23758 I dote on his very absence.
23759 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
23761 I doubt, therefore I might be.
23763 I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
23764 on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
23765 he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
23766 becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
23767 -- George Bernard Shaw
23769 I drink to make other people interesting.
23770 -- George Jean Nathan
23772 I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
23774 I enjoy the time that we spend together.
23776 I exist, therefore I am paid.
23778 I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
23780 I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
23782 I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
23783 so I woke up from sheer boredom.
23785 I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
23786 honest difference of opinion.
23789 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
23790 I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
23793 I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
23794 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
23797 I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words.
23799 I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
23802 I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
23803 reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
23806 I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
23807 I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
23808 I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
23809 I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
23811 How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
23812 How can there be a building, that has no floor?
23813 How can there be a program, that has no end?
23814 How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
23816 An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
23817 A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
23818 A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
23819 I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
23821 I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bhorrifying* 20
23822 minutes of my life!
23824 I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
23827 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
23830 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
23831 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
23832 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
23833 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
23835 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
23836 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
23837 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
23838 And think of the places my get-up has been.
23841 I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
23842 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
23844 I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
23847 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
23848 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
23849 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
23852 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
23856 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
23859 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
23860 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
23861 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
23862 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
23863 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
23864 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
23865 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
23868 I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
23871 I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
23872 and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
23874 No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
23875 human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
23876 you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
23877 generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
23879 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23881 I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
23882 was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
23883 being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
23884 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23886 I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
23887 time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
23888 win -- or even how you won.
23891 I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
23892 other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
23895 I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
23896 Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
23897 one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
23898 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23900 I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
23903 I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
23904 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
23905 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23907 I had a dream last night...
23908 I dreamt about 1976.
23909 I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
23910 I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
23911 Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
23912 so I went back to sleep again.
23913 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
23915 I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
23916 depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
23917 see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
23918 through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
23919 why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
23920 dinner and I let it go.
23921 -- Winston Churchill
23923 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
23924 in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
23928 I had another dream the other day about government financial management
23929 people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
23930 had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
23932 I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
23933 and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
23937 I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
23938 people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
23939 put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
23940 power to make things different is a bitch.
23943 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
23944 so I took his shoes.
23947 I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
23948 implement a PL/1 compiler.
23951 I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
23952 Moore show I heard the word "damn"!
23955 I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
23957 I hate babies. They're so human.
23963 I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
23964 it's going to be up all night.
23967 I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
23968 and I know how bad I am.
23972 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
23974 I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
23975 there's nothing else to do.
23978 I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
23979 ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
23982 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
23983 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
23984 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
23985 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
23986 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
23987 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
23988 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
23989 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
23990 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
23993 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
23994 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
23995 and just keeps on typing.
23998 I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
23999 the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
24000 sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
24001 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
24003 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
24004 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
24005 I just... to make a long story short..."
24008 I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
24009 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters
24011 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
24012 I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
24016 I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
24017 And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
24018 He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
24019 And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
24021 The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
24022 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
24023 For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
24024 And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
24025 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
24027 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
24028 I spent last summer folding it.
24029 People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
24032 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
24035 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
24036 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
24037 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
24040 I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
24042 I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
24043 but I can't prove it.
24045 I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
24048 I have a very strange feeling about this...
24051 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
24052 sacrifice my wife's brother.
24055 I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
24056 to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
24057 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
24059 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
24062 I have become me without my consent.
24064 I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
24065 would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
24066 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
24068 I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
24070 -- George Bernard Shaw
24072 I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
24073 to sit still in a room.
24076 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
24077 and they never believe me.
24078 -- Camillo Di Cavour
24080 I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
24081 to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
24082 support of the woman I love.
24083 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, announcing his abdication
24084 of the British throne in order to marry the American
24085 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. (1936)
24087 I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
24088 most of them are trash.
24091 I have gained this by philosophy:
24092 that I do without being commanded what others
24093 do only from fear of the law.
24096 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
24099 I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
24100 of a prostate operation.
24101 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
24103 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
24106 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
24107 I do believe that is a record.
24108 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
24110 I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
24111 sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
24112 eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
24113 have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
24114 beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
24115 guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
24116 of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.
24119 I have learned silence from the talkative,
24120 toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
24124 To spell hors d'oeuvres
24125 Which still grates on
24126 Some people's n'oeuvres.
24129 I have lots of things in my pockets;
24130 None of them is worth anything.
24131 Sociopolitical whines aside,
24132 Gan you give me, gratis, free,
24133 The price of half a gallon
24135 And most of the bus fare home.
24137 I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
24138 that I have never made one.
24139 -- James Gordon Bennett
24141 I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
24145 I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
24147 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY!
24148 -- from "Cerebus" #82
24150 I have never been one to sacrifice
24151 my appetite on the altar of appearance.
24152 -- A. M. Readyhough
24154 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
24157 I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
24160 Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
24161 gone in two years. He was half right.
24162 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
24164 Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
24167 I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
24168 already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
24172 I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
24173 in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
24176 I have no doubt the Devil grins,
24177 As seas of ink I spatter.
24178 Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
24179 The other kind don't matter.
24180 -- Robert W. Service
24182 I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
24183 own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
24184 of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
24185 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
24187 I have not yet begun to byte!
24189 I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
24192 I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
24193 and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
24194 be blockhead enough to have me.
24197 I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
24200 I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
24203 I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
24204 Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
24205 advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
24206 for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
24207 after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
24208 of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
24209 commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, nor even
24210 the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
24211 reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
24212 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
24213 a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
24214 execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
24215 justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
24216 venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
24217 ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
24218 made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
24219 declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
24220 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
24221 by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
24222 advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
24223 think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse
24224 calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
24225 In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
24226 be economized by the aid of machinery.
24227 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
24229 I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
24230 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
24232 I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
24234 I have that old biological urge,
24235 I have that old irresistible surge,
24238 I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
24241 I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
24242 scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
24245 I have to convince you, or at least snow you ...
24246 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
24248 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
24251 I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
24252 the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
24253 authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
24254 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
24255 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
24256 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
24257 science of data processing), c. 1957
24259 I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
24260 his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
24261 beating up a child.
24264 I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
24265 -- John D. Rockefeller
24267 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
24268 at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
24271 I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
24273 I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
24275 I hear the sound that the machines make,
24276 and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
24278 I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
24280 I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
24281 interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
24282 more than he knows.
24283 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
24285 I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
24286 -- Thomas Jefferson
24288 I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
24289 I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
24290 My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
24291 But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
24293 The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
24294 For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
24295 I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
24296 So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
24298 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
24300 I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
24301 secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
24303 I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
24306 I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
24310 I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
24312 I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
24313 He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
24314 and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
24315 ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
24316 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
24318 I just got out of the hospital after a
24319 speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
24322 I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
24325 I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
24328 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
24329 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
24330 -- Arturo Toscanini
24332 I knew her before she was a virgin.
24333 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
24335 I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
24336 If I could just remember what it was.
24338 I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
24339 take one along that worked.
24340 -- Raymond Chandler
24342 I know if you been talkin' you done said
24343 just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
24344 You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
24345 and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
24346 But don't you get square!
24347 There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
24348 They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
24350 I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
24352 I know not how I came into this,
24353 shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
24356 I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
24357 War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
24360 I know on which side my bread is buttered.
24363 I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
24364 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
24367 I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
24368 you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
24369 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
24371 I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
24372 custody means. Get even with your old lady.
24375 I know what you're thinking -- "Did he fire six shots or only five?"
24376 Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
24377 myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
24378 world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
24379 one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, punk?
24380 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
24382 I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
24383 but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
24386 I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
24387 but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
24389 I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
24391 I lately lost a preposition;
24392 It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
24393 And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
24394 Up from out of under there."
24396 Correctness is my vade mecum,
24397 And straggling phrases I abhor,
24398 And yet I wondered, "What should he come
24399 Up from out of under for?"
24402 I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
24403 Waitin' for the double E.
24404 The railroad don't run no more.
24405 Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
24406 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
24407 These young girls won't let me be,
24408 Lord have mercy on me!
24411 Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
24412 Well, I ain't naming names.
24413 But she really worked me over good,
24414 She was just like Jesse James.
24415 She really worked me over good,
24416 She was a credit to her gender.
24417 She put me through some changes, boy,
24418 Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
24420 I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
24421 She asked me if I'd beat her.
24422 She took me back to the Hyatt House,
24423 I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
24424 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
24426 I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
24427 didn't is just lyin'!
24430 I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
24433 I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
24434 that kidnaped Europa.
24435 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
24437 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
24438 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
24439 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
24440 the way and let them have it.
24441 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
24443 I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours.
24445 I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
24447 I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
24450 I like your game but we have to change the rules.
24452 I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
24454 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
24455 to bite people themselves.
24456 -- August Strindberg
24458 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
24459 I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
24462 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
24463 person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
24466 I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
24467 someone takes them away.
24470 I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
24471 It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
24473 I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
24476 I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
24479 I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
24480 entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
24481 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
24483 I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
24484 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
24486 I love to eat them Smurfies
24487 Smurfies what I love to eat
24488 Bite they ugly heads off,
24489 Nibble on they bluish feet.
24491 I love treason but hate a traitor.
24492 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
24494 I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
24497 I love you, not only for what you are,
24498 but for what I am when I am with you.
24501 I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
24502 commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
24504 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
24506 I married beneath me. All women do.
24507 -- Lady Nancy Astor
24509 I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
24510 don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
24512 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
24514 I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
24516 I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
24519 I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
24520 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
24522 I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
24523 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
24525 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
24526 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
24529 I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
24533 I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
24534 I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
24535 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
24537 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
24538 -- Alexander Woollcott
24540 I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
24541 week sometimes to make it up.
24542 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
24544 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
24546 I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
24547 and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
24548 -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
24549 we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
24552 And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
24553 sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
24554 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
24555 roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
24556 sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
24558 Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
24559 area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
24561 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
24563 I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
24566 I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
24567 legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
24571 I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
24572 something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
24573 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
24575 I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
24576 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
24579 I never did it that way before.
24581 I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
24582 places they do today.
24585 I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
24586 could do was to go away.
24588 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
24591 I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
24594 I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
24597 I never made a mistake in my life.
24598 I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
24601 I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
24602 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
24604 I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
24606 I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
24608 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
24609 what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
24611 I never saw a purple cow
24612 I never hope to see one
24613 But I can tell you anyhow
24614 I'd rather see than be one.
24617 I've never seen a purple cow
24618 I never hope to see one
24619 But from the milk we're getting now
24620 There certainly must be one
24623 Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
24624 I'm sorry now I wrote it
24625 But I can tell you anyhow
24626 I'll kill you if you quote it.
24627 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
24629 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
24631 I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
24634 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
24635 -- George Bernard Shaw
24637 I only know what I read in the papers.
24640 I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!
24641 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
24643 I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
24644 letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
24645 words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
24646 resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
24647 then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
24648 that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
24649 a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
24650 -- Letters From Colette
24653 It's off to work I go...
24655 I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
24659 I owe the public nothing.
24662 I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
24663 the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
24664 not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
24665 must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
24666 in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
24667 wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
24669 -- Thomas Jefferson
24671 I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
24672 kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
24673 substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
24674 restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
24675 made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
24676 powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
24678 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
24680 I pledge allegiance to the flag
24681 of the United States of America
24682 and to the republic for which it stands,
24686 and justice for all.
24687 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
24689 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
24692 I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
24694 I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
24695 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
24697 I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
24700 Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
24703 I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
24704 -- William F. Buckley
24706 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
24707 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
24710 I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
24713 I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
24714 tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
24715 they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
24716 crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
24717 These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
24718 aspire to crudeness.
24719 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
24721 I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
24724 I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
24725 parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
24726 motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
24727 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
24729 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
24730 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
24733 I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
24734 To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
24736 I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
24739 I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
24740 the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
24741 congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
24742 so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
24745 But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
24746 as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
24747 the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
24748 win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
24749 write about, such as nose-picking.
24750 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
24753 I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
24754 -- Marilyn Chambers
24756 I really hate this damned machine
24757 I wish that they would sell it.
24758 It never does quite what I want
24759 But only what I tell it.
24761 I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
24762 who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
24763 something of what has been passing in the world in their time.
24764 -- Thomas Jefferson
24766 I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
24767 wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
24768 flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
24769 Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
24773 I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
24774 reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
24775 I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
24778 I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
24779 believing that some men are my equals.
24782 I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
24784 I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
24785 morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
24786 the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
24787 invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
24788 the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
24789 asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
24790 "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
24791 that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
24794 I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
24795 to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
24796 and didn't come back for 20 years.
24798 I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
24802 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
24803 looks like I'm the only one moving.
24806 I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
24809 I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
24810 woman should marry -- and no man.
24811 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
24813 I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
24814 England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
24815 raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
24816 New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
24817 countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
24818 if they don't get it.
24821 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
24822 and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
24824 I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
24825 'Round and round they sped.
24826 I was disturbed at this,
24827 I accosted the man,
24828 "It is futile," I said.
24830 "You lie!" He cried,
24834 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
24837 I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
24838 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
24841 I saw what you did and I know who you are.
24843 I see a bad moon rising.
24844 I see trouble on the way.
24845 I see earthquakes and lightnin'
24846 I see bad times today.
24847 Don't go 'round tonight,
24848 It's bound to take your life.
24849 There's a bad moon on the rise.
24850 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
24852 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
24853 they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
24856 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
24857 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
24858 Bernoulli would have been content to die
24859 Had he but known such _
\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!
24860 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
24862 I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
24863 the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
24864 us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
24865 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24867 I sent a letter to the fish,
24868 I told them, "This is what I wish."
24869 The little fishes of the sea,
24870 They sent an answer back to me.
24871 The little fishes' answer was
24872 "We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
24873 I sent a letter back to say
24874 It would be better to obey.
24875 But someone came to me and said
24876 "The little fishes are in bed."
24877 I said to him, and I said it plain
24878 "Then you must wake them up again."
24879 I said it very loud and clear,
24880 I went and shouted in his ear.
24881 But he was very stiff and proud,
24882 He said "You needn't shout so loud."
24883 And he was very proud and stiff,
24884 He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
24885 I took a kettle from the shelf,
24886 I went to wake them up myself.
24887 But when I found the door was locked
24888 I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
24889 And when I found the door was shut,
24890 I tried to turn the handle, But ...
24892 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
24893 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
24895 "Through the Looking-Glass,
24896 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
24898 I sent a message to another time,
24899 But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
24900 I sent a message to another plane,
24901 Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
24903 I met someone who looks at lot like you,
24904 She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
24905 She's only programmed to be very nice,
24906 But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
24907 She tells me that she likes me very much,
24908 But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
24910 I realize that it must seem so strange,
24911 That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
24912 She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
24913 She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
24914 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
24916 I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
24917 a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
24919 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
24921 I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
24922 -- graffito in Los Angeles
24926 -- graffito in San Francisco
24928 There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
24929 lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
24932 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
24933 most western countries.
24938 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
24939 Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
24942 I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
24947 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
24949 Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
24950 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
24952 I stick my neck out for nobody.
24953 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" (1942)
24955 I stood on the leading edge,
24956 The eastern seaboard at my feet.
24957 "Jump!" said Yoko Ono
24958 I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
24959 Go on and give it a try,
24960 Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
24961 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
24963 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
24964 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
24967 I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win.
24970 I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
24971 too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
24972 direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
24973 much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
24975 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
24977 I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
24978 Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
24979 Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
24980 That needs a helping hand,
24981 Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
24982 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
24984 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24985 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24986 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24987 are worth considering, to wit:
24990 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
24991 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
24994 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
24995 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
24996 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
25000 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
25003 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25004 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25005 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25006 are worth considering, to wit:
25009 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
25010 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
25011 a U-turn on a divided highway."
25014 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
25015 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
25016 traveling more than 60 MPH."
25018 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25019 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25020 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25021 are worth considering, to wit:
25024 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
25025 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
25028 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
25029 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
25030 a 5' parking space."
25033 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
25034 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
25036 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
25037 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
25039 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
25040 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
25041 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
25043 I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
25044 pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
25045 munchies, and ate the other half.
25047 Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
25048 bottle stuck up my nose.
25049 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25051 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
25052 and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
25054 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
25055 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
25056 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
25057 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25059 I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
25060 the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
25061 I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
25062 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25064 I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
25067 I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
25068 or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
25071 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
25072 -- William Shakespeare
25074 I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
25075 paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
25077 I think it is true for all _
\bn. I was just playing it safe with _
\bn >= 3
25078 because I couldn't remember the proof.
25079 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
25081 I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
25082 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
25084 I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
25086 I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
25087 desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
25088 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
25090 I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
25091 and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
25092 country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
25093 in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
25094 not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
25097 I think that I shall never hear
25098 A poem lovelier than beer.
25099 The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
25100 With golden base and snowy cap.
25101 The stuff that I can drink all day
25102 Until my mem'ry melts away.
25103 Poems are made by fools, I fear
25104 But only Schlitz can make a beer.
25106 I think that I shall never see
25107 A billboard lovely as a tree.
25108 Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
25109 I'll never see a tree at all.
25112 I think that I shall never see
25113 A thing as lovely as a tree.
25114 But as you see the trees have gone
25115 They went this morning with the dawn.
25116 A logging firm from out of town
25117 Came and chopped the trees all down.
25118 But I will trick those dirty skunks
25119 And write a brand new poem called "Trunks".
25121 I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
25122 to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
25123 farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
25124 into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
25125 the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
25126 off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
25127 color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
25128 out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
25129 singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors.
25130 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
25132 I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
25133 remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
25136 I think the world is run by C students.
25139 I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
25140 could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
25141 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
25143 I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
25144 I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
25145 say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
25147 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
25149 I think, therefore I am... I think.
25151 I think there's a world market for about five computers.
25152 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (1943)
25154 I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
25156 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
25158 I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
25161 I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
25162 ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
25163 we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
25164 When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
25165 are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
25166 driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
25167 Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
25168 were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
25170 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
25172 I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
25173 -- The Firesign Theatre
25175 I think we're in trouble.
25178 I think your opinions are reasonable,
25179 except for the one about my mental instability.
25180 -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University
25182 "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
25183 "As a programmer, yes," she replied,
25184 "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
25185 "You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
25186 Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
25187 They had so much in common, you'd say.
25188 They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
25189 And prompts that were cute or risque'.
25190 He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
25191 She sent one from some past high school day,
25192 And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
25193 If they hadn't met in L.A.
25194 "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
25195 He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
25196 And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
25197 If you were not so totally weird!"
25198 If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
25199 And he had not done just the same,
25200 They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
25201 And would not have had fun with the game.
25203 "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail"
25205 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
25207 -- The Firesign Theatre,
25208 "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
25210 I thought YOU silenced the guard!
25212 I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
25213 pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!
25214 -- Winston Churchill
25216 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
25217 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
25221 I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
25222 desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
25224 -- Madeleine Gobeil
25226 I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
25227 constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
25228 and drown myself in the noise.
25229 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
25231 I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
25232 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
25234 I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
25237 I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
25238 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
25240 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
25241 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
25242 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
25244 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
25245 I never have to go upstairs.
25247 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
25248 front of it in only eight minutes.
25251 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
25254 I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
25257 I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
25260 I used to be a rebel in my youth.
25261 This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
25262 Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
25263 problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
25264 a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
25265 I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
25269 I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
25271 I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
25274 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
25277 I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
25278 I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
25279 I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
25280 With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
25281 And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
25282 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
25283 No more, Mr. Clean,
25284 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
25285 They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
25287 My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
25288 Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
25289 I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
25290 The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
25291 And punched me in the nose, he said,
25293 He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
25294 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
25296 I used to have a drinking problem.
25297 Now I love the stuff.
25299 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
25300 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
25302 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
25303 like I'm the only one moving.
25305 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
25306 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
25307 to be out that long."
25309 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
25310 my car goes 500 miles an hour.
25313 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
25314 I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
25315 more mature than I am.
25317 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
25319 I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
25320 foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
25321 loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
25324 I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
25325 body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
25328 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
25332 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to
25333 animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for
25334 anything connected with society except that which makes the roads
25335 safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women
25336 warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.
25339 I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
25341 I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
25342 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
25344 I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
25345 Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE
25347 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
25349 I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
25352 I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
25354 I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
25355 endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
25356 pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
25357 bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
25358 excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
25359 critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
25361 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
25363 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
25364 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
25367 I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
25368 anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
25369 a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
25373 I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
25374 Trouble I love and peace I despise
25375 Wild horses kicked me in my side
25376 Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
25379 I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
25380 put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
25381 what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
25382 should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
25383 get off my driveway.
25386 I was eatin' some chop suey,
25387 With a lady in St. Louie,
25388 When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
25389 And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
25390 Roll this rocker out some money,
25391 Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
25394 I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
25395 I said I didn't know.
25398 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
25399 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
25400 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
25401 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
25402 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
25403 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
25404 that all the time."
25405 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
25407 I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in
25408 the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
25411 I was in accord with the system so long as it
25412 permitted me to function effectively.
25415 I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
25416 these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
25417 kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
25418 I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
25419 avoiding the beach.
25420 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
25422 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
25423 lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
25426 I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
25427 anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
25428 breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody. He really
25429 gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
25430 works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
25431 Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
25432 for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
25433 two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
25434 was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
25435 I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
25436 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
25438 I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
25439 their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
25440 buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
25441 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
25443 I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full
25444 house and four people died.
25447 I was the best I ever had.
25450 I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
25453 I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
25454 desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
25455 because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
25456 me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
25457 took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
25459 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
25462 I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
25465 I went home with a waitress,
25466 The way I always do.
25467 How I was I to know?
25468 She was with the Russians too.
25470 I was gambling in Havana,
25471 I took a little risk.
25472 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
25473 Dad, get me out of this.
25474 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
25476 I went into a general store ... they wouldn't sell me anything specific.
25479 I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
25480 If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
25484 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
25485 it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
25486 stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
25487 I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
25488 absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
25489 developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
25490 Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
25491 temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I
25492 chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to
25493 the point where it would not run at all.
25494 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
25495 Holes and the Fate of Stars"
25497 I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
25498 I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
25500 Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
25501 As if you just squashed a cop.
25502 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
25504 I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
25508 I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
25509 questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
25510 speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
25512 He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
25516 I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
25517 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
25518 would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
25519 all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
25521 Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
25522 been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
25524 There was a computer in every doorknob.
25527 I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
25528 I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
25530 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
25532 I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
25533 the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
25537 I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
25538 statues that are in all the other museums.
25541 I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
25542 it took seven others to beat him!
25544 I will always love the false image I had of you.
25546 I will follow the good side right to the fire,
25547 but not into it if I can help it.
25548 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
25550 I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
25551 year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
25552 Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
25553 the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
25554 writing on this stone!
25557 I will make you shorter by the head.
25560 I will never lie to you.
25562 I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
25566 I will not get drunk!
25568 I will not in public!
25570 I will not fall down!
25572 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
25574 I will not forget you.
25576 I will not play at tug o' war.
25577 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
25578 Where everyone hugs
25580 Where everyone giggles
25581 And rolls on the rug,
25582 Where everyone kisses,
25583 And everyone grins,
25584 And everyone cuddles,
25586 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
25588 I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
25592 I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
25593 we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
25596 I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
25598 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
25600 I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
25601 There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
25604 I wish you humans would leave me alone.
25606 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
25608 I woke up a feelin' mean
25609 went down to play the slot machine
25610 the wheels turned round,
25611 and the letters read
25612 "Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
25615 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
25616 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
25617 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
25618 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
25621 "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
25622 know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
25623 be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
25624 I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
25627 I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
25628 -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp"
25630 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
25631 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
25634 I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
25635 but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
25636 because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
25637 after we've been home a long while.
25640 I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
25641 only they won't let me raise my voice.
25644 I would have made a good pope.
25645 -- Richard M. Nixon
25647 I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
25648 gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
25649 missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
25652 I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
25653 of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
25654 image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
25655 forget or do not know.
25656 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
25658 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
25659 referring to image activation and termination.]
25661 I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
25662 understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
25663 our tasks will be solved.
25664 -- Warren G. Harding
25666 I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection
25667 with income tax policies.
25668 -- William F. Buckley
25670 I would like to know
25671 What I was fencing in
25672 And what I was fencing out.
25675 I would much rather have men ask why
25676 I have no statue, than why I have one.
25677 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
25679 I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
25680 they're being taped.
25681 -- Richard M. Nixon
25683 I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
25684 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
25686 I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
25687 and be above ground than reign among the dead.
25688 -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91
25690 I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
25691 sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
25693 I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
25695 I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
25697 I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
25698 for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
25699 -- Hunter S. Thompson
25701 I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
25703 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
25704 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
25721 [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
25722 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
25723 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
25724 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
25725 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
25726 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
25730 Idiots Become Managers
25732 Impossible to Buy Machine
25733 Incredibly Big Machine
25734 Industry's Biggest Mistake
25735 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
25736 It Boggles the Mind
25737 It's Better Manually
25738 Itty-Bitty Machines
25740 IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
25741 who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
25742 -- with regrets to Douglas Adams
25745 Its syntax worse than JOSS;
25746 And everywhere this language went,
25747 It was a total loss.
25749 IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
25751 IBM Pollyanna Principle:
25752 Machines should work. People should think.
25754 IBM's original motto:
25755 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
25757 I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
25760 [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
25762 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
25764 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
25767 I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
25768 -- Princess Leia Organa
25770 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
25771 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
25773 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
25775 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
25777 I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
25778 whole field to private industry.
25781 I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
25784 I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat.
25786 I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
25789 I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
25792 I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
25795 I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
25798 I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
25799 Julian to Gregorian.
25801 I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
25804 I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.
25806 I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
25807 cottage cheese sculpture.
25809 I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
25811 I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.
25813 I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
25816 I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
25818 I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
25821 I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
25824 I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
25825 need worrying about.
25827 I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
25828 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
25830 I'd never cry if I did find
25831 A blue whale in my soup...
25832 Nor would I mind a porcupine
25833 Inside a chicken coop.
25834 Yes life is fine when things combine,
25835 Like ham in beef chow mein...
25836 But lord, this time I think I mind,
25837 They've put acid in my rain.
25840 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
25843 I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
25844 Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
25847 I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
25849 I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
25851 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
25854 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
25856 I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
25859 I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
25861 I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
25862 Than cry with the saints,
25863 The sinners are much more fun!
25864 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
25866 I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
25868 Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
25869 solitary confinement.
25871 Identify your visitor.
25874 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
25875 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
25876 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
25879 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
25880 affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
25881 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
25884 Leisure gone to seed.
25886 Idleness is the holiday of fools.
25888 If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick
25889 and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your
25890 shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this",
25891 well that would be enough immortality for me.
25892 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
25894 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
25897 If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
25898 at about 30 miles/second.
25899 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
25901 If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
25904 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus
25905 forecast is a camel's behind.
25906 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
25908 If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
25910 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
25911 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
25913 If A equals success, then the formula is _
\bA = _
\bX + _
\bY + _
\bZ. _
\bX is work. _
\bY
25914 is play. _
\bZ is keep your mouth shut.
25917 If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
25920 If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
25921 there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
25924 If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
25925 really a guru at all?
25926 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
25928 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four
25929 hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where
25931 -- Joseph C. Goulden
25933 IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
25934 is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
25935 to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
25936 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
25938 If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
25941 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
25942 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
25944 If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
25947 If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
25948 If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
25950 If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
25951 he will lose his reverence for all of life.
25952 -- Albert Schweitzer
25954 If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
25955 separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
25956 it might well prolong his life.
25957 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
25959 If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
25960 ... it expects what never was and never will be.
25961 -- Thomas Jefferson
25963 If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
25964 and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
25965 will lose that, too.
25966 -- W. Somerset Maugham
25968 If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
25969 and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
25970 convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
25971 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
25973 If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
25975 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
25976 dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
25977 maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
25978 must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
25981 If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
25982 love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
25985 If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
25986 is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
25987 only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
25989 If a system is administered wisely,
25990 its users will be content.
25991 They enjoy hacking their code
25992 and don't waste time implementing
25993 labor-saving shell scripts.
25994 Since they dearly love their accounts,
25995 they aren't interested in other machines.
25996 There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
25997 but these don't access any hosts.
25998 There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
25999 but nobody ever uses them.
26000 People enjoy reading their mail,
26001 take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
26002 spend weekends working at their terminals,
26003 delight in the doings at the site.
26004 And even though the next system is so close
26005 that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
26006 they are content to die of old age
26007 without ever having gone to see it.
26009 If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
26010 If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
26011 game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
26012 course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
26013 goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
26016 If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
26017 -- G. K. Chesterton
26019 If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
26022 If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
26024 If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
26025 to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
26026 that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
26029 If all be true that I do think,
26030 There be five reasons why one should drink;
26031 Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
26032 Or lest we should be by-and-by,
26033 Or any other reason why.
26035 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
26036 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
26038 If all else fails, lower your standards.
26040 If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
26042 If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
26043 platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
26044 that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
26046 If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I
26047 wouldn't be a bit surprised.
26050 If all the seas were ink,
26051 And all the reeds were pens,
26052 And all the skies were parchment,
26053 And all the men could write,
26054 These would not suffice
26055 To write down all the red tape
26056 Of this Government.
26058 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
26061 If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
26065 If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
26066 and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
26067 not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
26068 camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even
26069 responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
26070 collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
26071 have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
26072 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
26073 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
26075 If an S and an I and an O and a U
26076 With an X at the end spell Su;
26077 And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
26078 Pray what is a speller to do?
26079 Then, if also an S and an I and a G
26080 And an HED spell side,
26081 There's nothing much left for a speller to do
26082 But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
26083 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
26085 If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
26086 car he ever lays down in front of.
26089 If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
26090 let him become president of Harvard.
26093 If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
26094 We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
26095 blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
26096 tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
26098 If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
26100 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26102 If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
26104 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
26106 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
26108 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
26110 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26113 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26114 Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
26117 [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
26119 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
26121 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
26122 -- Leonard Levinson
26124 If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
26126 If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
26127 identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
26128 collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
26129 I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
26130 plentiful as blackberries.
26133 If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
26136 If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
26137 some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
26138 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
26140 If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
26141 but illegal purposes.
26144 If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
26146 If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
26149 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
26153 If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
26155 If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
26159 If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
26161 If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't
26162 deserve to have any.
26163 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a
26164 driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his
26165 conviction for sodomy.
26167 If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
26169 If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
26170 there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
26172 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
26174 If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
26175 do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
26177 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
26179 If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
26180 him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
26181 -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
26183 If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
26184 around a deal faster.
26185 -- The Duchess; Lewis Carroll,
26186 "Through the Looking-Glass,
26187 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
26189 If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
26191 If everything on the road of life seems to
26192 be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
26194 If everything seems to be going well,
26195 you have obviously overlooked something.
26197 If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
26198 -- Bertrand Russell
26200 If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
26202 If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
26203 is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
26204 exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
26205 after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
26206 exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
26207 can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
26210 If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
26211 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
26213 If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
26216 If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
26218 If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
26220 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
26222 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
26224 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
26226 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
26228 If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
26231 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
26233 If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
26236 If God had really intended men to fly,
26237 he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
26240 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
26241 have made them cute and furry.
26244 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
26247 If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
26250 If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
26251 He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
26253 If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
26255 If God is One, what is bad?
26258 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
26260 If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
26263 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
26266 If God wanted us to have a President,
26267 He would have sent us a candidate.
26268 -- Jerry Dreshfield
26270 If graphics hackers are so smart,
26271 why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
26273 If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
26276 If he had only learnt a little less, how
26277 infinitely better he might have taught much more!
26279 If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
26280 and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
26281 think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
26282 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
26284 If he should ever change his faith,
26285 it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
26287 If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
26288 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
26290 If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
26293 If I could read your mind, love,
26294 What a tale your thoughts could tell,
26295 Just like a paperback novel,
26296 The kind the drugstore sells,
26297 When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
26298 The hero would be me,
26300 You won't read that book again, because
26301 the ending is just too hard to take.
26303 I walk away, like a movie star,
26304 Who gets burned in a three way script,
26306 A movie queen to play the scene
26307 Of bringing all the good things out in me,
26308 But for now, love, let's be real
26309 I never thought I could act this way,
26310 And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
26311 I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
26312 And I just can't get it back...
26313 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
26315 If I could stick my pen in my heart,
26316 I would spill it all over the stage.
26317 Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
26318 Would you think the boy was strange?
26321 If I could stick a knife in my heart,
26322 Suicide right on the stage,
26323 Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
26324 Would it help to ease the pain?
26326 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
26328 If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
26331 If I don't drive around the park,
26332 I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
26333 If I'm in bed each night by ten,
26334 I may get back my looks again.
26335 If I abstain from fun and such,
26336 I'll probably amount to much;
26337 But I shall stay the way I am,
26338 Because I do not give a damn.
26341 If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
26343 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
26344 Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
26345 as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
26346 you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
26347 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
26349 If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
26351 IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
26352 got to be a better way.
26353 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
26355 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
26356 plantation and go home.
26357 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
26359 If I had any humility I would be perfect.
26362 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
26363 a laboratory jar at Harvard.
26366 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
26367 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
26369 If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
26370 would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
26371 trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
26372 I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
26373 travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
26374 You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
26375 and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
26376 if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
26377 have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
26378 years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
26379 without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
26380 If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
26381 lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
26382 earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
26383 more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
26384 ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
26386 If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
26389 If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
26390 -- Tallulah Bankhead
26392 If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
26394 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
26395 shoulders of giants.
26398 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
26399 the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
26402 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
26406 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
26409 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
26410 stand on each other's toes.
26413 It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
26414 this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
26415 software engineers dig each other's graves.
26418 If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
26421 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
26422 I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
26423 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
26425 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
26426 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
26428 If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
26429 -- Alan Parsons Project
26431 If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
26432 I'm an engineer working on something.
26435 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
26437 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
26438 As Dame Fortune did intend,
26439 Murphy would be there to tell me
26440 The pot's at the other end.
26443 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
26445 If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
26446 work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
26449 If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
26450 because I can't swim.
26453 If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
26454 I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
26457 If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
26459 If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
26462 If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
26463 answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
26465 If in doubt, mumble.
26467 If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
26469 If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
26471 If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
26472 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
26474 If it happens once, it's a bug.
26475 If it happens twice, it's a feature.
26476 If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
26478 If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
26480 If it heals good, say it.
26482 If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
26483 answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
26486 If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
26488 If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
26491 If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
26494 If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
26496 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
26498 If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
26500 If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
26501 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
26503 If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
26504 I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
26505 the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
26506 forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
26507 of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
26510 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
26512 If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
26514 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
26516 If it's worth doing, do it for money.
26518 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
26520 If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
26522 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
26523 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
26527 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
26528 send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
26529 other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
26530 of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
26531 they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
26532 they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
26533 them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
26534 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
26536 If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
26537 had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
26538 -- Karl Marx's Mother
26540 If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
26542 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
26544 If life is merely a joke, the question
26545 still remains: for whose amusement?
26547 If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
26549 If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
26552 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
26553 you've got in the house.
26554 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
26556 If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
26559 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
26560 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
26562 If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
26565 If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
26567 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
26568 -- Mary Wilson Little
26570 If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
26573 If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
26574 be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
26577 If men are not afraid to die,
26578 it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
26580 If men live in constant fear of dying,
26581 And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
26582 Who will dare to break the law?
26584 There is always an official executioner.
26585 If you try to take his place,
26586 It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
26587 If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
26588 you will only hurt your hand.
26589 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
26591 If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
26593 If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
26594 be a merrier world.
26595 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
26597 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
26598 little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
26599 Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
26600 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859)
26602 If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
26603 over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
26606 If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
26607 of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
26608 in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
26609 far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
26610 various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
26611 it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
26612 connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
26613 get an unfair advantage.
26614 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
26616 If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
26619 If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
26621 "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"
26623 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
26626 If only God would give me some clear sign!
26627 Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
26628 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
26630 If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
26632 If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
26634 If only you knew she loved you, you could
26635 face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
26637 If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
26639 If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
26640 -- George Bernard Shaw
26642 If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
26643 he should see how bad it is with representation.
26645 If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
26646 then we are a sorry lot indeed.
26649 If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
26650 there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
26653 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
26654 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
26656 [What brand of ink? Ed.]
26658 If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
26659 will take sandwiches.
26662 Eats first, morals after.
26663 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
26665 If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
26666 I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
26669 If people see that you mean them no harm,
26670 they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
26672 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
26674 If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime
26675 Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
26676 an optional preceding '+').
26679 The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
26680 (i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
26683 If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
26684 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
26686 If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
26688 If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
26690 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
26692 If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
26695 If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
26697 Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
26698 Eating components of soured milk.
26699 On at least one occasion,
26700 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
26701 Or at least in her vicinity,
26702 And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
26703 Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
26704 -- Ann Melugin Williams
26706 If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
26707 pool cues, who would win?
26710 3) The television viewing public
26713 If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
26716 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
26717 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
26718 physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
26719 entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
26722 If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
26726 If she had not been cupric in her ions,
26728 Their romance might have flourished.
26729 But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
26731 Love could not help but die,
26732 Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished.
26734 If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
26737 If some people didn't tell you,
26738 you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
26740 If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
26742 -- Pope John Paul I
26744 If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
26746 If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
26747 ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
26749 If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
26752 If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
26753 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
26755 If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
26756 presumably flunk it.
26759 If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
26760 and never be our destiny.
26761 -- Rene de Visme Williamson
26763 If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
26764 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
26765 and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
26766 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
26768 If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
26769 this would be a better world.
26770 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
26772 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
26775 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
26776 get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
26777 See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
26778 the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
26779 that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The
26780 college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
26781 and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
26782 rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective.
26783 Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
26784 interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by
26785 opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
26786 himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
26787 boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
26788 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
26790 If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
26791 steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
26792 principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
26794 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990
26796 If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
26799 If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
26800 would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
26803 [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
26805 If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
26808 If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
26809 mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
26811 If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
26812 Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
26814 If the government doesn't trust the people, why
26815 doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
26817 If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
26818 consider what may be fertilizing it.
26820 If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
26821 we would be so simple we couldn't.
26823 If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!
26824 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
26826 If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
26827 I would have recommended something simpler.
26828 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
26829 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
26831 If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
26832 the lives of both have been wasted.
26834 If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
26835 then this sentence would not be false.
26837 If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
26838 goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
26841 If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
26844 If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
26847 If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
26848 what a living the poor could make!
26850 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
26852 If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
26853 the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
26856 If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
26858 If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
26859 Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
26860 on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
26861 paper folding, or something.
26864 If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
26865 -- Chief Dan George
26867 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
26868 If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
26869 If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
26870 church attendance will exceed all expectations.
26871 -- Reverend Chichester
26873 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
26875 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
26876 will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
26878 If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
26879 of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
26883 If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
26884 -- Edward A. Murphy, Jr.
26886 If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
26887 can't afford divorce.
26890 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
26893 If there is no wind, row.
26896 If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
26897 have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
26900 If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
26902 If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
26903 years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
26904 school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
26905 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
26907 If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
26908 something out of you.
26911 If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
26913 If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
26914 go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
26915 days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
26919 If they were so inclined, they could impeach
26920 him because they don't like his necktie.
26921 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
26923 If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
26925 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
26927 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
26930 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
26932 If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
26935 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
26938 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
26939 doing the thinking.
26940 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26942 Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
26944 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26946 I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
26947 itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
26948 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26950 If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
26951 -- Ernest Hemingway
26953 If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely.
26955 If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
26956 If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
26958 If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
26960 If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
26961 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
26963 If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
26964 all be millionaires.
26965 -- Abigail Van Buren
26967 If we do not change our direction we are
26968 likely to end up where we are headed.
26970 If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
26973 If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
26977 If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
26978 findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive.
26979 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
26980 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
26983 If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
26984 It's the light of an oncoming train.
26987 If we spoke a different language, we
26988 would perceive a somewhat different world.
26991 If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
26992 we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
26995 If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
26997 If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
27000 If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
27002 If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
27004 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
27006 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
27007 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
27008 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
27009 -- Marguerite Emmons
27011 If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
27013 If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
27014 beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
27015 lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
27016 women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
27019 If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
27020 -- Aristotle Onassis
27022 If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer.
27023 Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter
27024 than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is.
27027 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
27028 Quit work and play for once!
27030 If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
27033 If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
27034 -- Ann Edwards-Duff
27036 If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
27037 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
27040 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
27043 If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
27045 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
27046 good, you will get out of it.
27048 If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
27049 your honesty is corrupt.
27051 If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
27052 longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
27053 -- Abigail Van Buren
27055 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
27056 If you are for yourself, then what are you?
27059 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
27060 evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
27062 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
27064 If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
27065 by your parents, we will cash your check.
27067 If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
27068 over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
27071 If you are smart enough to know that you're not
27072 smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
27074 If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
27076 If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
27078 If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
27079 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
27081 If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
27084 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
27086 If you can not say it, you can not whistle it, either.
27089 If you can read this, you're too close.
27091 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
27093 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
27096 If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
27097 what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
27098 -- Edwin Schrodinger
27100 If you can't be good, be careful.
27101 If you can't be careful, give me a call.
27103 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
27105 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
27107 If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
27109 If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
27110 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
27112 If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
27114 If you catch a man, throw him back.
27115 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
27117 If you continually give you will continually have.
27119 If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
27120 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
27122 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
27124 If you didn't have most of your friends,
27125 you wouldn't have most of your problems.
27127 If you didn't have to work so hard,
27128 you'd have more time to be depressed.
27130 If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
27133 If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
27134 it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
27137 If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
27139 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
27141 If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
27143 -- Mordecai Richler
27145 If you don't do it, you'll never know what
27146 would have happened if you had done it.
27148 If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
27150 If you don't drink it, someone else will.
27152 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
27155 If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
27158 If you don't have the time right now,
27159 will you have redo right time later?
27161 If you don't have time to do it right, where
27162 are you going to find the time to do it over?
27164 If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
27166 If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
27168 If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
27171 If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
27172 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
27174 If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:
27175 Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
27178 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
27180 If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
27181 either of you for the rest of the day.
27183 If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
27184 have to get a toehold in the public eye.
27186 If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
27187 an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that
27188 it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
27189 will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything
27190 it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
27191 around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
27192 carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted
27193 raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
27194 what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
27195 properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
27196 gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
27197 numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
27198 you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
27199 over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
27200 was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
27201 network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
27202 software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
27203 number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
27204 in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
27207 If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
27210 If you explain something so clearly that no
27211 one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
27213 If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
27215 If you find a solution and become attached to it,
27216 the solution may become your next problem.
27218 If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
27220 If you float on instinct alone, how can you
27221 calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
27222 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
27224 If you fool around with something long
27225 enough, it will eventually break.
27227 If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
27229 If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
27231 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
27233 If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
27234 make the rubble bounce.
27235 -- Winston Churchill
27237 If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
27238 so as not to disturb those around you.
27240 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
27241 all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
27245 If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
27247 If you had better tools, you could more
27248 effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
27250 If you had just one moment to live
27251 And they granted you one special wish
27252 Would you ask for something
27253 Like another chance.
27254 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
27256 If you hands are clean and your cause is just
27257 and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
27259 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
27261 If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
27264 If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
27266 If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
27267 new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
27268 does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
27269 make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
27270 The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
27271 you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
27272 will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
27273 cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
27274 dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
27275 of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
27277 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
27279 If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
27282 If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
27284 If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
27287 If you have to hate, hate gently.
27289 If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
27291 If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
27292 in chartered accountancy beckons.
27293 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
27296 If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
27297 hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
27300 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
27301 boot yourself in the posterior.
27302 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
27304 If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
27306 If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
27310 If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
27312 If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
27315 If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
27318 If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
27319 you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
27322 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
27323 365 useless things.
27325 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
27328 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
27330 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
27333 If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
27334 -- Simone De Beauvoir
27336 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
27337 people die past the age of a hundred.
27340 If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
27341 and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
27342 -- Garrison Keillor
27344 If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
27345 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
27347 If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
27348 If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
27350 If you lose a son you can always get another,
27351 but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
27352 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
27354 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,
27357 If you love someone, set them free.
27358 If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
27360 If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
27361 come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
27363 If you make a mistake you right it
27364 immediately to the best of your ability.
27366 If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
27367 with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
27368 -- The Best of Will Rogers
27370 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
27371 but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
27373 If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
27374 be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
27377 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
27380 If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
27381 Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
27383 If you need anything just whistle.
27384 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
27385 Just put your lips together and blow.
27386 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
27388 If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
27389 they must not be deceiving you very well.
27391 If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
27394 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
27395 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
27398 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
27399 you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
27402 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
27403 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
27406 If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
27407 this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
27408 somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
27410 If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
27412 If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
27413 But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
27414 is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it.
27417 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
27421 If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
27422 Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
27423 something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
27424 they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
27425 they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
27426 if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
27427 -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
27430 If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
27432 If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
27434 If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
27435 deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
27436 are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
27438 If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
27440 If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
27441 But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
27442 -- Swami Prabhupada
27444 If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
27447 If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
27449 If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
27451 If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
27452 many it's research.
27455 If you stew apples like cranberries,
27456 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
27459 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
27460 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
27461 Or some joker who is slicker,
27462 Will trick you of your liquor,
27463 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
27465 If you stick your head in the sand,
27466 one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
27468 If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
27470 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
27474 If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
27475 then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
27478 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
27481 If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
27483 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
27484 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
27486 If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
27489 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
27493 If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
27494 don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
27497 If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
27498 someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
27501 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
27504 If you think the system is working,
27505 ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
27507 If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
27508 shopping center in the world?
27509 -- Richard M. Nixon
27511 If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
27512 lack sufficient imagination.
27514 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
27515 be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
27516 you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw
27517 another party next year.
27519 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
27520 several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
27521 been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to
27522 avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
27523 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
27524 having another one ...
27526 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
27527 your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
27528 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure
27529 that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting
27530 someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
27533 If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
27534 them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
27537 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
27538 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
27539 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
27541 If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
27542 and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
27545 If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
27546 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
27548 If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
27550 If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
27553 If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
27554 done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
27556 If you want divine justice, die.
27559 If you want me to be a good little bunny
27560 just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
27563 If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
27566 If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
27567 read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
27570 If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
27572 If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
27576 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
27579 If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
27581 If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
27585 If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
27586 -- Harry Blackstone
27588 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
27589 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
27590 statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington
27591 telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with
27592 titles beginning with the word "National".
27595 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
27596 word you say, talk in your sleep.
27598 If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
27599 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
27600 even if they don't know what it means.
27601 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
27603 If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
27605 If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
27606 fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
27609 If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
27610 If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
27611 If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
27612 If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
27615 If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
27617 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
27619 If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
27620 boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
27623 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
27624 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
27625 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
27626 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
27627 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
27628 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
27629 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
27630 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
27631 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
27632 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
27635 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
27637 If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
27638 -- Benjamin Franklin
27640 If you would understand your own age, read the works
27641 of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
27643 If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
27644 Bed down with a pretty girl.
27647 If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
27649 If your bread is stale, make toast.
27651 If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
27652 If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
27653 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince"
27655 If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
27656 I guess you do have a problem.
27657 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
27659 If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
27661 If your mind grows weak,
27662 Don't yield to the weakness.
27663 Even if tired of thought,
27664 Never stop thinking.
27665 My sons and descendants,
27666 Don't get exhausted in reason--
27667 But become experienced.
27668 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
27670 If your mother knew what you're doing,
27671 she'd probably hang her head and cry.
27673 If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
27675 If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
27676 longer be fantasies.
27679 If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
27680 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
27683 If you're careful enough, nothing
27684 bad or good will ever happen to you.
27686 If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
27687 The Olympics are over.
27689 If you're constantly being mistreated,
27690 you're cooperating with the treatment.
27692 If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
27693 strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
27695 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89
27697 If you're going to America, bring your own food.
27698 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
27700 If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
27701 tomorrow morning, sleep late.
27704 If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
27706 If you're happy, you're successful.
27708 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
27710 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
27711 -- Benjamin Disraeli
27713 If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
27715 If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
27716 As well as by traffic and crime,
27717 Consider how worry-free gophers are,
27718 Though living on burrowed time.
27719 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
27721 If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
27722 off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
27723 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
27725 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
27729 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
27730 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
27731 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
27733 Ignorance is bliss.
27736 Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
27737 BLISS is ignorance.
27739 Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
27740 rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
27741 -- Franklin K. Dane
27743 Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
27745 Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
27746 so resolutely pursuing it.
27748 Ignore previous fortune.
27750 Il brilgue: les t^
\boves libricilleux
27751 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
27752 Enm^
\bim'
\bes sont les gougebosquex,
27753 Et le m^
\bomerade horgrave.
27755 "Through the Looking-Glass,
27756 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
27759 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
27760 at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
27763 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
27766 I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
27768 I'll burn my books.
27769 -- Christopher Marlowe
27771 I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
27772 carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
27773 I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.
27774 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
27776 I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
27778 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
27780 I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
27781 in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
27782 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
27784 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
27785 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
27786 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
27787 And in our bound partition never part.
27788 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
27790 I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
27791 I play just what I feel.
27792 Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
27793 And die behind the wheel.
27794 They got a name for the winners in the world,
27795 I want a name when I lose.
27796 They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
27797 Call me Deacon Blues.
27798 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
27800 I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
27803 I'll never get off this planet.
27806 I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
27808 I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
27809 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.
27810 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
27812 I'll turn over a new leaf.
27813 -- Miguel de Cervantes
27815 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
27819 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
27822 Illegitimi non carborundum
27823 (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
27825 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
27826 it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
27828 Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
27830 Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
27833 I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man.
27835 "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
27836 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
27837 the idea of a doomsday machine.
27838 "I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
27839 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
27840 Ellen up a steep incline.
27841 "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
27842 -- "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
27843 "I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
27844 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
27845 Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise.
27846 "I'm a doctor, not a coal miner."
27847 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
27848 "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
27849 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
27850 that Kirk talked strangely.
27851 "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
27852 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
27853 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
27854 "What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?"
27855 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
27856 physical exam to answer the alert.
27858 I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
27859 a sports jacket and take off my brain.
27861 I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
27863 I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
27864 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
27865 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
27867 I'm all for computer dating, but I
27868 wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
27870 I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
27871 eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
27874 I'm always looking for a new idea that
27875 will be more productive than its cost.
27876 -- David Rockefeller
27879 But it's not what I really want to do.
27880 What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
27881 I know what you're going to say --
27882 "Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
27883 All right! But it's what I want to do.
27884 Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
27886 The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
27889 I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
27890 that I could have been created by man.
27892 I'm changing my name to Chrysler
27893 I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
27894 I'll tell some power broker
27895 What they did for Iacocca
27896 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
27897 I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
27898 I'm heading for that great receiving line.
27899 When they hand a million grand out,
27900 I'll be standing with my hand out,
27901 Yessir, I'll get mine!
27904 I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
27906 "I'm dying," he croaked.
27907 "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted.
27908 "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
27909 "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
27910 "The fire is going out," he bellowed.
27911 "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
27912 "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
27913 "You snake," she rattled.
27914 "Someone's at the door," she chimed.
27915 "Company's coming," she guessed.
27916 "Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
27917 "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
27918 "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
27919 "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
27920 "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
27921 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
27923 I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
27926 I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
27929 I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
27931 I'm glad I was not born before tea.
27932 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
27934 I'm glad that I'm an American,
27935 I'm glad that I am free,
27936 But I wish I were a little doggy,
27937 And McGovern were a tree.
27939 I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
27940 every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
27943 > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
27944 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
27945 > And in LA it's 72.
27947 > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
27948 is a million percent.
27949 > And in LA it's 72.
27951 > In New York there are a million interesting people.
27952 > And in LA there are 72.
27954 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
27957 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
27960 I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
27963 I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
27966 I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
27967 says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
27970 I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
27972 I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
27973 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
27975 I'm just as sad as sad can be!
27976 I've missed your special date.
27977 Please say that you're not mad at me
27978 My tax return is late.
27979 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
27981 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
27985 I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
27986 N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
27987 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
27988 She's traversed me seven times before.
27989 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
27990 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
27991 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
27992 N-ary the tree I am, I am,
27993 N-ary the tree I am.
27994 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
27996 I'm not a lovable man.
27997 -- Richard M. Nixon
27999 I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
28000 with twenty-eight years ago.
28003 I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
28006 I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
28010 I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
28011 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
28013 I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
28015 I'm not offering myself as an example;
28016 every life evolves by its own laws.
28018 I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
28022 I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!
28024 I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
28025 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
28027 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
28029 I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
28033 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
28034 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
28036 I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
28037 gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
28038 and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
28039 to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
28040 yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
28041 really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
28042 what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
28043 okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
28046 I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
28049 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
28050 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
28055 I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
28056 Let's not talk again REAL soon...
28058 I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
28059 (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage.
28060 -- English Professor, Providence College
28062 I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
28064 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
28066 I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
28067 coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
28068 you being a dumbass.
28069 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
28071 I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
28073 I'm sorry I missed.
28076 I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
28078 I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
28080 I'm successful because I'm lucky.
28081 The harder I work, the luckier I get.
28083 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
28084 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
28085 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
28086 I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
28087 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
28089 I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
28090 like pigeons and Catholics.
28093 I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
28096 Imagination is more important than knowledge.
28099 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
28100 -- Jules de Gaultier
28102 Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
28103 usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
28104 thinks of complaining.
28105 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
28107 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
28108 a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
28109 storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
28110 voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
28111 What's the first question that the computer community asks?
28113 "Is it PC compatible?"
28115 Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
28116 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
28118 Imagine what we can imagine!
28119 -- Arthur Rubinstein
28121 Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
28124 Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
28125 In order for something to become clean, something else must
28126 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
28129 Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
28132 Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
28134 Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
28136 Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
28139 Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
28140 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
28142 Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
28145 Immutability, Three Rules of:
28146 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
28147 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
28148 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
28151 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
28152 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
28153 conflicting opinions.
28154 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28156 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
28157 mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
28158 Boss is reading it.
28161 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
28162 (2) I can't be bothered;
28163 (3) God can't be bothered.
28164 Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
28165 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
28167 In 1750 Isaac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
28170 In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
28173 In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
28176 In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
28177 creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
28179 In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
28182 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
28183 in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
28184 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
28185 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
28186 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
28188 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
28189 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
28191 In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
28192 dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
28193 more to its liking.
28195 In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
28196 Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
28199 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
28201 In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
28202 an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
28204 In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
28205 the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
28207 In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
28208 by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
28209 has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
28210 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
28212 In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
28213 humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
28217 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
28218 Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
28220 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
28221 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
28223 In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
28224 other really likes.
28225 -- Elizabeth Ashley
28227 In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
28228 in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
28229 to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
28230 have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
28231 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
28233 In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
28234 Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
28235 -- Frank Mankiewicz
28237 In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
28238 "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
28241 In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
28242 of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
28243 because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
28244 person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
28245 superior to Tops10.
28247 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
28248 taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
28250 In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
28251 with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
28252 this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
28254 In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
28255 of the risks he takes.
28256 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
28258 In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
28259 sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
28260 those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
28261 devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
28262 as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
28263 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
28265 In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
28266 be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
28270 In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
28272 In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
28274 -- The Peter Principle
28276 In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
28277 sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
28280 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
28281 are to be treated as variables.
28283 In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
28284 the answer may be obtained by inspection.
28286 In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
28287 it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
28290 In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
28293 A catch basin for everything you don't want
28294 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
28296 In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
28297 the cows are known sluts.
28300 In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
28301 made the World Series just something that came later.
28302 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
28304 In buying horses and taking a wife
28305 shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
28307 In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
28308 thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
28309 teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
28310 said, "up to the mathematicians."
28311 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
28313 In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
28314 it into television shows.
28315 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
28317 In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
28319 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
28320 will be temporarily canceled.
28322 In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
28323 -- The Kidner Report
28325 In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
28327 In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
28328 He'll kiss it and make it better.
28330 In charity there is no excess.
28333 In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
28334 husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
28335 be free of subjugation.
28336 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
28338 In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
28339 This is called Monotony.
28341 In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
28342 a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
28343 to get her attention.
28345 In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
28348 In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
28350 In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
28351 in any motor vehicle.
28353 In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
28354 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
28356 In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
28359 In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
28361 In dwelling, be close to the land.
28362 In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
28363 In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
28364 In speech, be true.
28365 In work, be competent.
28366 In action, be careful of your timing.
28369 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
28370 programming languages.
28372 In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
28373 -- Thomas Jefferson
28375 In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
28376 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
28378 In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
28379 Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
28380 And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
28381 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
28384 In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
28386 In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
28387 transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
28388 in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
28389 spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
28390 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
28392 In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
28393 in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
28395 In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
28396 I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
28397 because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
28398 didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
28399 Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
28400 for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
28401 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
28403 In God we trust; all else we walk through.
28405 In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
28406 know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
28409 In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
28410 the sidewalks when a concert is on.
28412 In her first passion woman loves her lover,
28413 In all the others all she loves is love.
28414 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
28416 In high school in Brooklyn
28417 I was the baseball manager,
28418 proud as I could be
28419 I chased baseballs,
28420 gathered thrown bats
28421 handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
28422 It was very important work but it was dark blue while
28423 for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
28424 but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
28425 When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
28426 their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
28427 I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
28428 Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
28429 got these jackets, and among all those green ones
28430 surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
28431 I still recall that jacket
28432 and the memory goes on hurting.
28433 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
28435 In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
28436 afterwards that causes the problems.
28439 In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
28442 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
28443 use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
28444 which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
28447 In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
28448 murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
28449 and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
28450 five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
28452 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
28454 In just seven days, I can make you a man!
28455 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
28456 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
28458 In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
28459 progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
28462 In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
28465 In like a dimwit, out like a light.
28468 In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
28471 In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
28472 pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
28473 either flying or waiting to board a plane.
28475 In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
28476 to take every advantage of the enemy.
28478 In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
28479 the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
28480 have obtained from books of travel.
28483 In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
28484 in matters of taste, swim with the current.
28485 -- Thomas Jefferson
28487 In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
28490 In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
28491 It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
28493 In most instances, all an argument
28494 proves is that two people are present.
28496 In my end is my beginning.
28497 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
28499 In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
28500 your left leg, it's modern architecture.
28501 -- Nancy Banks Smith
28503 IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
28504 becoming pure energy.
28505 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
28507 In Nature there are neither rewards nor
28508 punishments, there are consequences.
28511 In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
28512 to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
28513 speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
28515 In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
28516 a practice which is still continued.
28519 In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
28521 In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
28522 you're what's left.
28524 In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
28526 In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
28527 It is not always an easy sacrifice.
28529 In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
28531 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
28533 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
28534 is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
28535 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28537 In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme
28538 Court decision and violent revolution.
28539 -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006)
28541 In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
28543 In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
28544 a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
28545 -- John Diefenbaker
28547 In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
28548 and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
28550 In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
28551 of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
28554 In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
28555 happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
28558 In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
28559 want the other person.
28560 -- Margaret Anderson
28562 In reply to a message by Scott Long:
28564 > Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming.
28566 Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in
28567 your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some
28568 computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY
28569 DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring
28570 their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6,
28571 whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc.
28573 It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD
28574 merger be that far off?
28575 -- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006)
28577 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
28578 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
28579 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
28580 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
28581 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
28583 In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
28586 In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really
28587 good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change
28588 their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
28589 do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
28590 human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
28591 recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
28592 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
28594 In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
28595 is over six feet in length.
28597 In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
28598 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
28600 In short, _
\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _
\bN is not Richardian.
28602 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
28604 In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
28607 In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
28610 In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
28613 [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
28614 could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
28615 that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
28617 And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
28618 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
28619 didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
28620 point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
28621 we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ...
28623 So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
28624 Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
28625 ___
\b\b\bsee the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
28627 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
28629 In the age of the internet attaching a famous name to your personal
28630 opinion to give more weight to it is a very valid strategy.
28631 -- Benjamin Franklin
28633 In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
28634 And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
28636 In the beginning was the word.
28637 But by the time the second word was added to it,
28639 For with it came syntax ...
28642 In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
28643 Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
28644 which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
28645 intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
28646 14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
28647 fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
28648 discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
28649 to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
28650 memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
28652 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
28653 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
28654 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
28657 Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
28658 could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
28660 In the days of old,
28661 When Knights were bold,
28662 And women were too cautious;
28663 Oh, those gallant days,
28664 When women were women,
28665 And men were really obnoxious.
28667 In the dimestores and bus stations
28668 People talk of situations
28669 Read books repeat quotations
28670 Draw conclusions on the wall.
28673 In the early morning queue,
28674 With a listing in my hand.
28675 With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
28676 Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
28677 I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
28678 How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
28679 In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
28680 With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
28681 Hey, there it goes my friend,
28682 I've moved up one at last.
28683 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
28684 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
28686 In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
28689 In the first place, God made idiots;
28690 this was for practice; then he made school boards.
28693 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
28694 the proper order then why can't he?
28696 In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
28697 You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
28699 In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
28702 In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
28703 woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
28706 In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
28708 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
28710 In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
28713 In the long run we are all dead.
28714 -- John Maynard Keynes
28716 In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
28717 a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
28718 the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
28720 Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
28721 A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
28723 In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
28724 noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
28725 the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
28726 conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
28727 jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
28728 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
28731 In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
28733 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
28735 In the next world, you're on your own.
28737 In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
28738 wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
28739 everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
28741 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
28742 a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
28744 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
28745 the sound of those drums."
28746 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
28747 NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
28749 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
28750 a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
28751 to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
28752 forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you
28753 stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
28754 punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
28755 enough to punch you.
28756 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
28758 In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
28759 struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
28760 and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
28761 crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
28762 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
28765 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
28766 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the
28767 Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million
28768 three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years
28769 from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
28770 ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
28771 wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
28775 In the Spring, I have counted 136
28776 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
28777 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
28779 In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
28781 In the time of peace and harmony
28782 Be a kind-hearted friend.
28783 In the time of conflict with enemies
28784 Be a falcon of advance and attack.
28785 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
28787 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
28788 out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
28791 In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
28793 In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
28794 In practice, there is.
28796 In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
28801 Your head grows bald
28805 In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
28806 -- Benjamin Franklin
28808 In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
28809 thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
28812 In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
28813 So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
28815 In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
28816 not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
28819 In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
28821 In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
28823 -- Winston Churchill
28825 In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
28826 employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
28827 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
28829 In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
28830 the supervision of a licensed engineer.
28832 In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
28833 A stately pleasure dome decree,
28834 Where /bin, the sacred river ran
28835 Through Test Suites measureless to Man
28836 Down to a sunless C.
28838 In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
28841 In war, truth is the first casualty.
28844 In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
28845 along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
28847 In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
28849 In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
28852 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
28853 But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
28855 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
28856 A stately pleasure dome decree:
28857 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
28858 Through caverns measureless to man
28859 Down to a sunless sea.
28860 So twice five miles of fertile ground
28861 With walls and towers were girdled round:
28862 And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
28863 Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
28864 And here were forest ancient as the hills,
28865 Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
28866 -- Samuel T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
28868 In youth, it was a way I had
28869 To do my best to please,
28870 And change, with every passing lad,
28871 To suit his theories.
28873 But now I know the things I know,
28874 And do the things I do;
28875 And if you do not like me so,
28876 To hell, my love, with you!
28877 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
28880 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
28881 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
28882 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
28883 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
28888 Increased knowledge will help you now.
28889 Have mate's phone bugged.
28892 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
28893 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28895 Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
28897 Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
28898 `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
28899 with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
28903 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
28904 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
28906 Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
28907 basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
28908 is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
28911 Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
28913 Individualists unite!
28915 Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
28916 advance; insufferable in victory.
28917 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
28920 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
28921 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
28922 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28925 In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
28926 in Constantinople, one who does.
28927 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28929 Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
28931 Information Center, n.:
28932 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
28933 to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
28935 Information is the inverse of entropy.
28937 Information Processing:
28938 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
28939 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
28941 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28943 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
28944 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
28945 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
28946 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
28947 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
28949 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
28950 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
28951 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
28955 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28957 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
28958 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
28961 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
28962 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
28965 On a Bucharest elevator:
28967 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
28968 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
28972 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28974 Various signs in Poland:
28976 Right turn toward immediate outside.
28978 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
28980 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
28982 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
28984 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
28985 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
28988 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
28991 A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
28992 and then complains of indigestion.
28994 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
28995 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
28998 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
28999 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and
29000 promote intellectual crime.
29001 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29003 Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
29005 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
29010 Innovation is hard to schedule.
29016 Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
29017 token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
29020 Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
29022 Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
29023 the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
29026 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
29029 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
29030 the person who told it to you.
29032 Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
29034 Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
29036 Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
29039 Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
29041 Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
29042 they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
29043 anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
29044 years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
29045 -- The Best of Will Rogers
29047 Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
29050 Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated,
29051 it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches.
29052 It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter
29053 how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can
29054 hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control...
29057 Integrity has no need for rules.
29059 Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
29062 Intellect annuls Fate.
29063 So far as a man thinks, he is free.
29064 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
29066 Interchangeable parts won't.
29069 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
29070 burned out employees must feign.
29072 Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
29073 street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
29074 invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
29075 and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
29078 Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
29079 best at, that's what I say.
29083 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
29084 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
29085 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
29086 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29088 Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
29091 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
29093 Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
29098 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
29100 Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
29102 Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
29104 Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
29105 it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
29109 It's off to disk I go,
29110 A bit or byte to read or write,
29113 IOT trap -- core dumped
29115 IOT trap -- mos dumped
29117 Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
29120 Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
29121 they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
29122 little paper envelopes.
29124 Iron Law of Distribution:
29125 Them that has, gets.
29128 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
29129 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
29131 Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
29132 -- Douglas Hofstadter
29134 Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
29136 Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
29138 Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
29140 Is death legally binding?
29142 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
29143 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
29146 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
29149 Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
29151 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
29152 of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
29153 and such as are out wish to get in?
29154 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
29156 Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
29157 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
29159 Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
29162 Is that really YOU that is reading this?
29164 Is there life before breakfast?
29166 Is this really happening?
29168 Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
29170 Isn't air travel wonderful?
29171 Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
29173 Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
29174 person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
29175 -- Adlai E. Stevenson, to reporters
29177 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
29178 listen to weather forecasts and economists?
29179 -- Kelvin Throop III
29181 Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
29182 avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
29183 would make them better prospects?
29185 Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
29189 Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
29190 tellers take economists seriously?
29193 A solution in search of a problem!
29195 Issawi's Laws of Progress:
29196 The Course of Progress:
29197 Most things get steadily worse.
29198 The Path of Progress:
29199 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
29201 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
29202 as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
29203 had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
29204 "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
29205 Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
29206 came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
29207 this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
29208 Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
29209 To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
29210 your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
29211 "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
29213 It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
29214 most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
29217 It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
29218 Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
29219 It lies behind starts and under hills,
29220 And empty holes it fills.
29221 It comes first and follows after,
29222 Ends life, kills laughter.
29224 "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
29225 any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
29226 horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
29227 existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
29228 that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
29229 thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
29230 horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
29231 horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
29232 Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
29233 have wings by not being Walter's horse.
29235 I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
29236 then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
29237 for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
29238 necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
29239 better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
29240 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
29242 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
29243 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29245 It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
29246 interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
29247 for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
29248 invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
29249 was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
29250 hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
29252 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
29254 It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
29256 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
29257 pick up something from the floor while you get up.
29259 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
29260 done and what you're going to do.
29262 It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
29264 It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
29265 next morning it was someone else.
29268 It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
29269 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
29270 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
29271 than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
29272 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
29274 It gets late early out there.
29277 It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
29278 or both feet firmly planted in the air.
29280 It hangs down from the chandelier
29281 Nobody knows quite what it does
29282 Its color is odd and its shape is weird
29283 It emits a high-sounding buzz
29285 It grows a couple of feet each day
29286 and wriggles with sort of a twitch
29287 Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
29288 a visiting uncle who's rich!
29289 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
29291 It happened long ago
29292 In the new magic land
29293 The Indians and the buffalo
29294 Existed hand in hand
29295 The Indians needed food
29296 They need skins for a roof
29297 The only took what they needed
29298 And the buffalo ran loose
29299 But then came the white man
29300 With his thick and empty head
29301 He couldn't see past his billfold
29302 He wanted all the buffalo dead
29303 It was sad, oh so sad.
29304 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
29306 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
29307 came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
29308 applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
29309 think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
29310 wits, who believe that it is a joke.
29311 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
29313 It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
29314 most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
29315 it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
29318 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
29319 thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
29320 drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
29321 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29323 It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
29324 that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____
\b\b\b\bonly* by amusing oneself that
29326 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
29328 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
29329 been searching for evidence which could support this.
29330 -- Bertrand Russell
29332 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
29333 and getting people under the influence.
29336 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
29338 It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
29339 or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
29340 achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
29341 good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
29342 notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
29343 infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
29344 folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
29345 their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
29346 appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
29347 and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
29348 competence will be quite enough.
29349 -- The Underground Grammarian
29351 It has long been an axiom of mine that the
29352 little things are infinitely the most important.
29353 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
29355 It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
29356 manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
29357 baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
29358 is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
29360 It has long been known that one horse can run faster
29361 than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
29364 It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
29365 indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
29366 is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
29370 It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
29371 to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
29372 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
29374 It is a lesson which all history teaches
29375 wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
29376 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
29378 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
29380 It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
29383 It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
29384 my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
29387 It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
29388 it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
29389 organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
29390 manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
29391 I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
29392 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
29393 could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
29394 three more than the schedule allowed.
29395 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
29396 could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
29397 it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
29398 Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
29399 their thumbs for ten months.
29400 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
29401 program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
29402 but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
29403 it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
29404 integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
29405 estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
29406 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
29408 It is a wise father that knows his own child.
29409 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
29411 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
29412 What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
29413 thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
29416 It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
29419 It is all right to hold a conversation,
29420 but you should let go of it now and then.
29423 It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
29424 you are an exceptionally good liar.
29425 -- Jerome K. Jerome
29427 It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
29429 It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
29430 pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
29431 sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
29434 It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
29435 they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
29436 that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
29437 much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
29438 had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
29439 conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
29440 intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
29442 Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
29443 destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
29444 alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
29446 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
29448 It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
29449 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
29451 It is bad luck to be superstitious.
29452 -- Andrew W. Mathis
29454 [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
29457 It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
29461 It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
29462 One in a million, perhaps.
29464 It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
29466 It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
29468 It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
29470 It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
29472 It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
29474 It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
29476 It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
29478 It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
29480 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
29482 It is better to live rich than to die rich.
29485 It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
29487 It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
29489 It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
29490 and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
29492 It is better to wear out than to rust out.
29494 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
29495 benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
29499 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
29500 admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
29501 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
29503 It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
29504 is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
29507 It is convenient that there be gods, and,
29508 as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
29509 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
29511 It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
29515 It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary
29516 depends upon his not understanding it.
29519 It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
29521 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
29522 incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
29523 twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
29526 It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
29528 It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
29530 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
29532 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
29533 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community
29534 a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to
29535 treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the
29536 focus of attention, the harder the task.
29537 -- Sydney J. Harris
29539 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
29541 It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
29544 It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
29545 -- George Santayana
29547 It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
29548 -- Leonardo da Vinci
29550 It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
29552 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
29554 It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
29557 It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
29558 of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
29559 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
29561 It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
29562 holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
29563 is there, but speed him when he wishes.
29564 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
29566 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
29567 referring to scheduling.]
29569 It is exactly because a man cannot do a
29570 thing that he is a proper judge of it.
29573 It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
29574 is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
29575 last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
29577 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
29579 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
29581 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
29585 It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
29588 to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
29590 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
29591 innovative maneuvers.
29593 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
29594 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
29595 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
29597 It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
29598 -- Robert Storm Petersen
29600 It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
29601 love does not lie in the ear.
29604 It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
29605 Boulevard at one time.
29607 It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
29609 It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
29610 the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
29611 case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
29612 crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
29613 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
29615 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
29617 It is impossible to defend perfectly
29618 against the attack of those who want to die.
29620 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
29621 unless one has plenty of work to do.
29622 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
29624 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
29628 It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
29631 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
29632 desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
29636 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
29638 It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
29639 but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
29642 It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
29643 God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
29644 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
29646 It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
29647 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
29648 they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
29649 like a happy married life.
29652 It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
29653 offense consists in doubting it.
29654 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
29656 It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
29657 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29659 It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
29662 It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
29664 It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
29665 privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
29666 corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
29667 -- George Bernard Shaw
29669 It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
29672 It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
29674 It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
29675 that makes life blessed.
29676 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
29678 It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
29679 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
29680 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
29682 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
29684 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
29686 It is not enough to have a good mind.
29687 The main thing is to use it well.
29690 It is not enough to have great qualities,
29691 we should also have the management of them.
29692 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
29694 It is not every question that deserves an answer.
29697 It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
29698 inscrutable workings of Providence.
29699 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
29701 It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
29702 and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
29705 It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
29706 dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
29707 she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
29708 does not want you to call attention to this by saying, "If you wanted a
29709 dessert, why didn't you order one?" You must understand, she has the
29710 dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
29711 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
29713 It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
29714 that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
29715 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
29717 It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
29718 the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
29719 man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
29720 blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
29721 knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
29722 worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
29723 he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
29727 It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
29728 damn thing over and over.
29729 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
29731 It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
29732 the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
29733 wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
29734 kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
29735 big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
29736 and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
29737 kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
29738 sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
29739 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
29741 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
29742 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
29744 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
29746 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
29747 to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
29751 It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
29752 -- Grace Murray Hopper
29754 It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
29755 virginity could be a virtue.
29758 It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
29761 It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
29762 at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
29763 is the only thing that makes the result come true.
29766 It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
29769 It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
29770 to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
29773 It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
29774 what is essential is invisible to the eye.
29775 -- The Fox, "The Little Prince"
29777 It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK]
29778 unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the
29782 It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
29783 anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
29784 a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
29785 way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
29786 should be used in its proper place.
29787 -- Christopher Strachey
29789 It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
29790 -- Maimie Van Doren
29792 It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
29793 have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
29794 mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
29795 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
29797 It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
29798 rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
29799 kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
29800 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
29802 It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
29803 his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
29804 worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
29805 day like any other day, only shorter.
29806 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
29808 It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
29809 sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
29810 in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
29811 too, shall pass away."
29814 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
29815 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
29818 It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
29819 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
29821 It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
29822 devil when he is the only explanation of it.
29823 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
29825 It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
29826 yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
29828 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
29829 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
29830 to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
29831 which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
29832 highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
29833 worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
29834 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
29836 It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
29837 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29839 It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
29840 crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
29841 until the other has gone.
29843 It is the business of little minds to shrink.
29846 It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
29849 It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
29850 set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
29853 It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
29854 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
29856 It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
29859 It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
29861 It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
29862 lives, works and has his being.
29865 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
29866 five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But
29867 it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
29869 It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
29871 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
29873 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
29874 It produces a false impression.
29877 It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
29878 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29880 It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
29883 It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
29884 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29886 It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
29888 It isn't easy being green.
29891 It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
29892 small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
29895 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
29899 It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
29900 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
29902 It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
29903 to Grandmother's condo.
29905 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
29906 probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
29907 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
29909 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
29911 It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
29912 Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
29913 -- Princess Leia Organa
29915 IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
29916 a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
29917 that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
29919 Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
29920 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
29922 It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
29923 to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
29924 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
29926 It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
29930 It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
29931 good either if you speak when your head is empty.
29933 It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
29934 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
29937 It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
29940 It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
29942 It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
29943 doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
29944 a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
29945 by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
29946 in those who would gain by the new ones.
29947 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
29949 It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
29950 that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
29951 starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
29954 It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
29956 It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
29958 It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
29959 one's life and then come round.
29960 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
29962 It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
29964 It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
29965 they'll come out for it.
29966 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood
29969 It runs like _
\bx, where _
\bx is something unsavory.
29970 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
29972 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
29973 slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
29975 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
29977 It seems a little silly now, but this country
29978 was founded as a protest against taxation.
29980 It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
29981 be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
29982 unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
29983 artificial lubrication or foreplay.
29984 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
29985 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
29987 It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
29990 It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
29993 It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
29994 language named "research student".
29996 It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
29998 It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
29999 to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
30000 and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
30001 airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
30002 average wife is like that.
30003 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
30005 It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
30007 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
30009 It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional.
30010 -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia
30012 It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
30014 It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
30016 It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
30019 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
30021 It takes less time to do a thing right
30022 than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
30023 -- H. W. Longfellow
30025 It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
30027 It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
30028 may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
30029 military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
30030 the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
30031 a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
30032 officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
30033 Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
30034 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
30036 It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
30037 but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
30040 It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
30041 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
30042 some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
30043 sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
30044 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
30045 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
30047 It used to be the fun was in
30048 The capture and kill.
30049 In another place and time
30050 I did it all for thrills.
30053 It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
30056 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
30058 It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
30060 It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
30061 since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
30062 laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
30063 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
30065 It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
30066 never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
30067 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
30069 It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
30072 It was all so different before everything changed.
30074 It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
30075 when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
30076 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
30078 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a
30079 breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
30083 It was one time too many
30085 It was all too much for me and you
30086 There was one way to go
30087 Nothing more we could do
30092 It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
30094 It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
30096 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
30098 It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
30099 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
30100 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
30101 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
30102 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
30103 novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
30104 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
30108 It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
30109 road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
30110 and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
30111 from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
30112 The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
30113 to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
30114 man appeared out of an upstairs window.
30115 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
30116 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
30117 would let me stay here for the night."
30118 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
30121 It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
30122 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
30123 -- Hunter S. Thompson
30125 It was wonderful to find America, but it
30126 would have been more wonderful to miss it.
30129 It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
30132 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
30133 It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
30135 It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
30136 the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
30138 It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
30139 nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
30143 It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
30144 warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
30145 two things still safe to eat.
30148 It would be nice to be sure of anything
30149 the way some people are of everything.
30151 It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
30154 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
30155 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
30156 are often slanted to the left.
30158 It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
30160 It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
30163 It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
30166 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
30168 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
30170 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
30173 It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
30176 It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
30178 It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
30179 breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
30181 It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
30183 It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
30184 when you lose yours.
30187 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
30190 It's a very *__
\b\bUN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
30191 -- Churchy La Femme
30193 It's all in the mind, ya know.
30195 It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
30198 It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
30199 any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
30200 never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
30201 out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
30202 What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
30203 flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
30204 half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
30205 then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
30206 have thought it up, I wonder?
30209 It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
30211 It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
30213 It's amazing how many people you could be friends
30214 with if only they'd make the first approach.
30216 It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
30218 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
30220 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
30223 It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
30224 but why do the rats always have to win?
30226 It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
30229 It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
30232 It's better to burn out than to fade away.
30234 It's business doing pleasure with you.
30236 It's clever, but is it art?
30238 It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
30240 "It's easier said than done."
30242 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
30243 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
30244 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
30247 It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
30250 It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
30253 It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
30256 It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
30257 it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
30259 It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
30261 It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
30264 Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
30265 in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
30266 the ignorance of the community.
30269 It's faster horses,
30273 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
30275 It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
30276 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
30278 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
30279 first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
30283 It's gonna be alright,
30284 It's almost midnight,
30285 And I've got two more bottles of wine.
30287 It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
30288 even if most of them are bad.
30290 It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
30291 If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
30293 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
30295 It's hard to drive at the limit, but
30296 it's harder to know where the limits are.
30299 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
30302 It's hard to keep your shirt on when
30303 you're getting something off your chest.
30305 It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
30306 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
30308 It's hard to think of you as the end
30309 result of millions of years of evolution.
30311 It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
30313 It's important that people know what you stand for.
30314 It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
30316 It's interesting to think that many quite
30317 distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
30319 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
30320 If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
30321 our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
30322 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
30324 It's just a jump to the left
30325 And then a step to the right.
30326 Put your hands on your hips
30327 You bring your knees in tight.
30328 But it's the pelvic thrust
30329 That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane!
30331 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
30333 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
30335 It's just apartment house rules,
30336 So all you 'partment house fools
30337 Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
30338 One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
30339 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
30341 It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
30344 It's later than you think.
30346 It's later than you think, the joint
30347 Russian-American space mission has already begun.
30349 It's like deja vu all over again.
30356 and even the teddy bears
30359 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
30362 It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
30365 It's multiple choice time...
30369 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
30370 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
30373 Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
30374 It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
30377 It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
30379 It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
30380 a sickness you like.
30383 It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
30384 to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
30387 It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
30389 It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
30392 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
30395 It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
30396 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
30398 It's not easy being green.
30401 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
30404 It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
30407 It's not just a computer -- it's your ass.
30410 It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
30411 what you're taking for it...
30413 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
30415 It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
30419 It's not that I'm afraid to die.
30420 I just don't want to be there when it happens.
30423 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
30425 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
30428 It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
30431 It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
30434 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
30436 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
30438 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
30439 English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
30440 other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
30441 -- Sydney J. Harris
30443 It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
30444 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
30447 It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
30448 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
30449 elected governor of California.
30451 [Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
30452 for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
30454 It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
30455 as a warning to others.
30457 It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
30458 poverty and wealth have both failed.
30461 It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
30463 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
30465 It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
30466 society will take full responsibility for you.
30468 It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
30469 using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
30470 only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
30471 difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
30474 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
30476 It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
30477 have been all over it.
30478 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine
30480 It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
30481 just to see if it's real,
30482 Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
30483 But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
30484 So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
30485 Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
30486 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
30488 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
30490 It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
30492 It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
30493 -- Tallulah Bankhead
30495 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
30496 the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
30497 -- Franklin P. Jones
30499 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
30500 boy gets another beer.
30503 It's the thought, if any, that counts!
30505 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
30506 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
30508 It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
30509 venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
30510 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy
30512 It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
30513 know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
30515 IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
30516 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
30517 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
30518 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
30519 inevitably unsuccessful.
30520 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
30521 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
30522 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
30523 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
30524 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
30525 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
30526 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
30527 VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
30528 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
30529 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
30530 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
30531 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
30532 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
30533 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
30534 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
30536 I've already told you more than I know.
30538 I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
30540 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
30541 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
30543 I've always made it a solemn practice to never
30544 drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
30547 I've been in more laps than a napkin.
30552 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
30555 I've been on this lonely road so long,
30556 Does anybody know where it goes,
30557 I remember last time the signs pointed home,
30559 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
30563 I've built a better model than the one at Data General
30564 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
30565 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
30566 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
30567 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
30568 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
30569 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
30570 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
30572 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
30573 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
30574 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
30575 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
30577 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
30578 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
30579 by Gilbert & Sullivan)
30581 I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
30583 I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
30584 It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
30585 -- Dennie van Tassel
30587 I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
30588 this little hole in the bottom ...
30591 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
30593 I've got a very bad feeling about this.
30596 I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
30599 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
30602 I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
30605 I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
30608 I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
30609 be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
30611 Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
30613 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
30616 I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
30619 I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
30622 I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
30626 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
30629 I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
30631 I've only got 12 cards.
30633 I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer.
30634 -- Senator Claghorn
30636 I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
30637 like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
30638 indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
30639 devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
30640 I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
30641 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
30643 I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
30644 And from that full meridian of my glory
30645 I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
30646 Like a bright exhalation in the evening
30647 And no man see me more.
30648 -- William Shakespeare
30650 I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
30651 me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
30652 -- Tallulah Bankhead
30654 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
30655 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
30656 legislature is in session.
30660 shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
30661 ones; the meek the girls(the
30662 proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
30663 all except the cold ones; the slim
30664 ones plump tiny tall)
30669 warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
30671 moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
30672 all except ones; the mean
30673 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
30675 except the green ones
30678 James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
30679 indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
30682 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
30683 West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
30684 "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
30686 Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
30687 east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
30688 Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
30689 because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
30690 by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
30691 grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
30692 television?" and "Good night".
30693 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
30697 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
30698 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
30699 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
30700 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
30701 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
30703 Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
30708 Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
30709 You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
30711 Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
30712 you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
30715 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
30716 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
30717 each other so that everybody is cramped.
30719 Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
30720 I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
30721 days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
30723 Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
30724 Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
30725 to you. You gonna pay it?
30728 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
30729 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
30732 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
30734 Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his Frisbee.
30737 Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
30738 Her voice was little more than a whisper.
30739 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
30740 before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
30741 I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
30742 forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
30743 your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
30744 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
30745 whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
30747 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
30750 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
30752 John Dame May Oscar
30753 Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
30754 But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
30755 Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
30758 JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
30760 (George and Ringo miffed.)
30762 John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
30763 Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
30764 Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
30765 Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
30766 The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
30767 Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
30768 And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
30769 Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
30770 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
30772 Johnny Carson's Definition:
30773 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
30774 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
30775 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
30777 Johnson's First Law:
30778 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
30779 most inconvenient possible time.
30782 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
30784 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
30785 Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
30787 Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
30788 exciting people, and kill them.
30790 Join the march to save individuality!
30792 Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
30793 meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
30796 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
30797 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
30798 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
30799 importance of their original contribution.
30802 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
30805 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
30808 Joshu: What is the true Way?
30809 Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
30811 N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
30812 J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
30813 N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
30814 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
30815 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
30816 yourself as wide as the sky.
30818 Journalism is literature in a hurry.
30821 Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
30823 Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
30824 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
30825 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
30827 Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
30828 reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
30829 someone else's cash.
30830 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
30832 Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
30835 1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
30836 2: It's cheaper than going to France.
30837 3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
30839 5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
30840 6: It matches my eyes.
30841 7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
30842 8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
30843 9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
30844 10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
30845 11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
30846 12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
30848 Just a song before I go, Going through security
30849 To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
30850 Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
30851 It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
30852 When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
30853 We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
30854 And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
30855 I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
30856 She helped me with my suitcase,
30857 She stands before my eyes,
30858 Driving me to the airport
30859 And to the friendly skies.
30860 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
30862 Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
30863 (and nobody cares about it).
30864 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
30866 Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
30867 remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
30869 -- George Bernard Shaw
30871 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
30872 solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires
30873 one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
30874 winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
30875 because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise
30876 mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
30877 motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
30879 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
30881 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
30884 Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
30886 Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
30890 Just because the message may never be
30891 received does not mean it is not worth sending.
30893 Just because they are called "forbidden" transitions does not mean that they
30894 are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
30896 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture
30898 Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
30901 Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
30904 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
30906 Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
30907 and think to yourself, "There's no place like home."
30908 -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz"
30910 Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
30912 Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
30913 get a prompt, type like hell.
30915 Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
30916 who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
30917 about his or her love affairs.
30920 Just machines to make big decisions,
30921 Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
30922 We'll be clean when their work is done,
30923 We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
30924 What a beautiful world this will be,
30925 What a glorious time to be free.
30926 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
30928 Just once, I wish we would encounter
30929 an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
30930 -- The Brigadier, "Doctor Who"
30932 Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
30933 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?
30934 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
30936 Just remember, it all started with a mouse.
30939 Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
30940 twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
30942 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
30943 As he landed his crew with care;
30944 Supporting each man on the top of the tide
30945 By a finger entwined in his hair.
30947 `Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
30948 That alone should encourage the crew.
30949 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
30950 What I tell you three times is true.'
30951 -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark"
30953 Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
30954 a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
30957 Just to have it is enough.
30959 Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
30960 of all the others, and then do what's best.
30961 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
30963 Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
30965 Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
30968 Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
30969 Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
30970 I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
30971 Just can't remember who to send it to...
30973 Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
30974 I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
30975 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
30976 But I always thought that I'd see you again.
30977 Thought I'd see you one more time again.
30978 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
30980 Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
30981 -- Michael J. Wagner
30983 Justice is incidental to law and order.
30987 A decision in your favor.
30989 K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
30990 Cobol's wordy and confining;
30991 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
30992 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
30993 -- The Roguelet's ABC
30996 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
30997 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
30999 Kamikazes do it once.
31002 Where the men are men and so are the women!
31004 Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
31007 Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
31009 For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
31010 package of snack food.
31012 Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
31014 For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
31017 Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
31018 Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
31020 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
31023 Men and nations will act rationally when all other
31024 possibilities have been exhausted.
31026 History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
31027 exhausted all other alternatives.
31030 Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
31031 Population density is inversely proportional
31032 to the square of the distance from the keg.
31035 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
31036 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
31038 Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
31041 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
31043 Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
31044 With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
31045 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
31046 The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
31047 Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
31048 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
31050 Keep cool, but don't freeze.
31051 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
31053 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
31055 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
31057 Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
31058 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
31059 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
31060 force is technically termed "car suck").
31061 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
31063 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
31064 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
31065 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
31066 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
31067 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
31068 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
31069 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
31070 in the head and knock you silly.
31072 Keep it short for pithy sake.
31074 Keep on keepin' on.
31076 Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
31077 small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
31080 Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
31083 Keep the phase, baby.
31085 Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
31087 Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
31088 you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
31089 at the end of six months.
31092 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
31094 Keep your Eye on the Ball,
31095 Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
31096 Your Nose to the Grindstone,
31097 Your Feet on the Ground,
31098 Your Head on your Shoulders.
31099 Now... try to get something DONE!
31101 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
31102 -- Benjamin Franklin
31104 Keep your laws off my body!
31106 Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
31107 Open it and you remove all doubt.
31109 Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
31110 automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
31111 numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
31112 driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
31113 dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
31116 Kennedy's Market Theorem:
31117 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
31118 you've got to go broke.
31121 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
31124 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
31125 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
31126 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
31129 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
31130 traditions of sorcery and black art.
31132 Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
31133 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
31134 and parking for the faculty.
31136 Kettering's Observation:
31137 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
31139 Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
31141 Kids have *_____
\b\b\b\b\bnever* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
31142 travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
31143 original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
31144 teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
31145 grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
31146 teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
31147 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
31149 Kill a commy for your mommy.
31151 Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
31153 Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
31158 Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
31163 Killing turkeys causes winter.
31167 Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
31168 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
31171 An affliction of the blood.
31173 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
31176 Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
31177 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
31179 Kington's Law of Perforation:
31180 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
31181 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
31184 Kinkler's First Law:
31185 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
31187 Kinkler's Second Law:
31188 All the easy problems have been solved.
31190 Kirk to Enterprise...
31192 Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
31194 Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
31195 any of its streets.
31197 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
31199 Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
31200 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
31202 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
31204 Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
31206 Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
31208 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
31210 Kissing don't last, cookery do.
31213 Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
31214 sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
31215 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
31217 Kitchen activity is highlighted.
31218 Butter up a friend.
31220 Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
31221 -- Winston Churchill
31223 Klatu barada nikto.
31225 Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
31227 Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within.
31231 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31233 Kliban's First Law of Dining:
31234 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
31236 Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
31237 100% Damage to life support!!!!
31240 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
31242 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
31245 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
31246 causes of statistics.
31248 Knights are hardly worth it.
31249 I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
31255 Sam and Janet Evening...
31257 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
31260 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
31261 Stay on the Happy side of life!
31262 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
31263 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
31264 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
31266 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
31267 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
31268 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
31269 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
31270 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
31271 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
31272 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
31273 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
31274 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
31275 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
31277 Knocked, you weren't in.
31280 Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
31288 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
31290 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
31294 Things you believe.
31296 Knowledge is power.
31299 Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
31300 -- Aleister Crowley
31302 Knowledge without common sense is folly.
31304 Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
31305 Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
31306 Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
31307 Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
31308 Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
31311 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
31313 Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
31314 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
31315 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
31318 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
31319 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
31320 From mud slides to brush fires.
31323 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
31324 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31326 Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
31328 Lack of money is the root of all evil.
31329 -- George Bernard Shaw
31334 3. Never volunteer for anything.
31336 Lactomangulation, n.:
31337 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
31338 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
31339 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
31341 La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
31343 Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
31344 Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
31345 I come before you to stand behind you
31346 To tell you of something I know nothing about.
31347 Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
31348 There will be a convention held in the
31349 Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
31350 Admission is free, pay at the door,
31351 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
31352 It was a summer's day in winter,
31353 And the snow was raining fast,
31354 As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
31355 Stood sitting in the grass.
31356 Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
31357 Two dead men got up to fight.
31358 Three blind men to see fair play,
31359 Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
31360 Back to back, they faced each other,
31361 Drew their swords and shot each other.
31362 A deaf policeman heard the noise,
31363 Came and arrested those two dead boys.
31365 Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
31366 boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
31367 the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
31368 under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
31369 to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
31371 -- Billie Jean King
31373 Lady, lady, should you meet
31374 One whose ways are all discreet,
31375 One who murmurs that his wife
31376 Is the lodestar of his life,
31377 One who keeps assuring you
31378 That he never was untrue,
31379 Never loved another one...
31380 Lady, lady, better run!
31381 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
31383 Lady Luck brings added income today.
31384 Lady friend takes it away tonight.
31387 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
31389 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
31391 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
31392 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
31393 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
31395 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
31396 luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
31397 helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
31398 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
31399 white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
31400 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
31401 her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
31402 you would pin this on your white meat."
31405 Look to your stern!
31406 Your house is on fire,
31407 Your children will burn!
31408 So jump ye and sing, for
31409 The very first time
31410 The four lines above
31411 Have been put into rhyme.
31414 Laetrile is the pits.
31416 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
31417 each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
31419 Lake Erie died for your sins.
31421 ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
31423 Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
31424 duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
31425 table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
31426 manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
31427 of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
31429 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
31432 (1) Everything depends.
31433 (2) Nothing is always.
31434 (3) Everything is sometimes.
31436 Language is a virus from another planet.
31437 -- William Burroughs
31439 Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
31440 Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
31441 Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
31445 Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
31446 [Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
31447 honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
31448 he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
31449 -- Richard M. Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
31451 Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
31452 performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
31455 Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
31456 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
31457 times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
31458 twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
31459 driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
31460 Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
31461 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
31462 reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
31463 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
31466 All laws are basically false.
31471 Last guys don't finish nice.
31472 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
31474 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
31475 the pillow was gone.
31478 Last night I met upon the stair
31479 A little man who wasn't there.
31480 He wasn't there again today.
31481 Gee how I wish he'd go away!
31483 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
31484 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
31487 Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
31488 I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
31490 Last week's pet, this week's special.
31492 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
31493 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
31494 I don't remember what it was.
31497 Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
31499 Latin is a language,
31501 First it killed the Romans,
31502 And now it's killing me.
31504 Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
31506 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
31508 Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
31510 Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
31512 Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
31514 Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
31516 Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
31520 No child throws up in the bathroom.
31522 Lavish spending can be disastrous.
31523 Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
31525 Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
31526 force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
31527 -- Richard M. Nixon
31529 Law of Communications:
31530 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
31531 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of
31535 Experiments should be reproducible.
31536 They should all fail the same way.
31538 Law of Probable Dispersal:
31539 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
31541 Law of Selective Gravity:
31542 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
31544 Jenning's Corollary:
31545 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
31546 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
31549 He who hesitates is lunch.
31552 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
31554 Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
31555 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
31557 Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
31559 Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
31561 Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
31562 -- Otto von Bismarck
31564 Laws of Computer Programming:
31565 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
31566 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
31567 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
31568 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
31569 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
31570 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
31571 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
31572 the programmer who must maintain it.
31574 Laws of Serendipity:
31576 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
31578 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
31579 be engaged in making an inferior one.
31582 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
31586 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
31587 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
31588 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
31590 Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
31593 Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
31594 -- William Shakespeare
31596 Layers are for cakes, not for software.
31599 Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
31600 The reason, you will see, no doubt,
31601 Is to keep the lightning out.
31602 But what these unobservant birds
31603 Have failed to notice is that herds
31604 Of bears may come with buns
31605 And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
31607 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
31608 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
31609 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
31612 Marrying a pregnant woman.
31614 Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
31615 is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
31616 smaller -- and there are many more of them.
31617 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
31619 Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
31621 Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
31623 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
31625 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
31628 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
31629 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
31630 quicker you can do it.
31632 Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
31633 everything else follows in the same way.
31636 Learning without thought is labor lost;
31637 thought without learning is perilous.
31640 Leave no stone unturned.
31644 Mother said there would be days like this,
31645 but she never said that there'd be so many!
31647 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
31649 Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
31652 Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
31653 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
31654 unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
31655 drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
31659 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
31660 hold the hammer with both hands.
31662 Lemma: All horses are the same color.
31663 Proof (by induction):
31664 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
31665 horses in that set are the same color.
31666 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
31667 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
31668 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
31669 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
31670 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
31671 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
31672 horses are the same color.
31673 Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
31674 Proof (by intimidation):
31675 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
31676 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
31677 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
31678 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
31679 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
31680 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
31681 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
31682 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
31684 Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
31686 Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
31688 Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
31690 LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
31691 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
31692 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
31693 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
31695 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31696 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
31697 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike
31698 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people
31701 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31702 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
31703 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
31704 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of
31705 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
31706 a sick sense of humor.
31709 I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
31711 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
31714 Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
31716 Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
31717 -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
31719 Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
31720 number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
31724 Let me not to the marriage of true minds
31725 Admit impediments. Love is not love
31726 Which alters when it alteration finds,
31727 Or bends with the remover to remove.
31728 O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
31729 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
31730 It is the star to every wandering bark,
31731 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
31732 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
31733 Within his bending sickle's compass come;
31734 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
31735 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
31736 If this be error and upon me proved,
31737 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
31738 -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI
31740 Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
31742 Let me take you a button-hole lower.
31743 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
31745 Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
31746 George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
31747 wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
31748 of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
31749 praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
31750 Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
31751 in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
31752 for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
31756 Let my own body be exhausted,
31757 But not the wealth of my state.
31758 Let my mortal body vanish,
31759 But not the power of my state.
31760 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
31762 Let no guilty man escape.
31765 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
31767 Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
31768 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
31770 Let sleeping dogs lie.
31773 Let the machine do the dirty work.
31774 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style"
31776 Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
31779 Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
31780 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
31782 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
31783 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
31786 Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
31787 -- Benjamin Franklin
31789 Let us go then you and I
31790 while the night is laid out against the sky
31791 like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
31793 Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?
31796 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
31797 The muttering retreats
31798 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
31799 And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
31800 Streets that follow like a tedious argument
31801 Of insidious intent
31802 To lead you to an overwhelming question...
31803 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
31804 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
31808 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
31812 Let us never negotiate out of fear,
31813 but let us never fear to negotiate.
31816 Let us not look back in anger or forward
31817 in fear, but around us in awareness.
31820 Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
31822 Let us treat men and women well;
31823 Treat them as if they were real;
31825 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
31827 Let your conscience be your guide.
31831 [The state, that's me.]
31834 Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
31836 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
31837 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
31838 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the
31839 end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the
31840 qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and
31841 bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind
31843 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
31845 Let's love each other slowly,
31846 reaching for a plane,
31847 of exquisite pleasure,
31851 Let's not complicate our relationship
31852 by trying to communicate with each other.
31854 Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
31856 Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
31859 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
31860 your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
31861 Mental Anguish. You would sue:
31863 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
31864 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
31865 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
31868 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
31869 cretin like yourself.
31871 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
31872 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
31873 a large cash settlement anyway.
31876 Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
31877 overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
31878 dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
31879 tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
31880 spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
31881 money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
31882 probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
31883 It's not his money.
31884 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
31886 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
31890 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
31891 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
31892 public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
31893 in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
31894 will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
31895 agricultural industry.
31898 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
31902 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
31903 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
31905 Leveraging always beats prototyping.
31907 Lewis's Law of Travel:
31908 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
31911 L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
31915 A lawyer with a roving commission.
31916 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31918 Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
31922 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
31924 Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
31925 trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
31926 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
31928 Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
31929 -- The Best of Will Rogers
31931 Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
31932 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
31934 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
31935 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
31936 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and
31937 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
31939 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
31940 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
31941 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
31942 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
31943 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
31946 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
31947 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
31948 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
31949 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
31953 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
31954 discovered to date.
31957 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
31959 Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
31963 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
31966 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
31969 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
31971 Life -- Love It or Leave It.
31973 Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
31974 -- Miss November, 1966
31976 Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
31979 Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
31981 Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
31982 It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
31984 Life exists for no known purpose.
31986 Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
31987 being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
31988 thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
31989 system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
31992 Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
31993 environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
31994 round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
31996 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
31997 out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
32000 Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
32001 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
32003 Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
32004 important than something else. If what already is, is more important
32005 than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
32006 isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
32009 Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
32011 Life is a glorious cycle of song,
32012 A medley of extemporania;
32013 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
32014 And I am Marie of Roumania.
32015 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
32017 Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
32020 Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
32022 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
32024 -- Charles Baudelaire
32026 Life is a series of rude awakenings.
32029 Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
32030 humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
32033 Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
32035 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
32037 Life is an exciting business, and most
32038 exciting when it is lived for others.
32040 Life is both difficult and time consuming.
32042 Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
32044 Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
32046 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
32047 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
32049 Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
32051 Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
32053 Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
32055 Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
32058 Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
32059 eat it nevertheless.
32062 Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.
32064 Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
32066 Life is like a sewer.
32067 What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
32070 Life is like a simile.
32072 Life is like a tin of sardines.
32073 We're, all of us, looking for the key.
32074 -- Beyond the Fringe
32076 Life is like an analogy.
32078 Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
32079 you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
32081 Life is like an onion: you peel it off
32082 one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
32085 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
32086 layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
32089 Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
32090 going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
32091 being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
32093 Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
32094 the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
32096 Life is not for everyone.
32098 Life is one long struggle in the dark.
32099 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
32101 Life is the childhood of our immortality.
32102 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
32104 Life is the living you do,
32105 Death is the living you don't do.
32108 Life is the urge to ecstasy.
32110 Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
32112 Life is too important to take seriously.
32115 Life is too short to be taken seriously.
32118 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
32121 Life is wasted on the living.
32122 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe"
32124 Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
32125 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
32127 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
32130 Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
32132 Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
32134 Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
32135 it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
32137 Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
32138 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
32139 -- Dag Hammarskjold
32141 Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
32142 of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
32143 rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
32144 and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
32146 Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
32147 certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
32148 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
32149 afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
32150 absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
32151 embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
32153 Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
32156 Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility.
32157 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
32159 Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
32162 Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
32163 weren't for other people.
32166 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
32169 Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
32170 -- George Bernard Shaw
32172 Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
32174 Lift every voice and sing
32175 Till earth and heaven ring,
32176 Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
32177 Let our rejoicing rise
32178 High as the listening skies,
32179 Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
32181 Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
32182 Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
32183 Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
32184 Let us march on till victory is won.
32185 -- James Weldon Johnson
32187 Lighten up, while you still can,
32188 Don't even try to understand,
32189 Just find a place to make your stand,
32191 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
32194 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
32195 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
32198 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
32200 Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
32201 the difference between one young woman and another.
32202 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
32204 Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
32205 shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
32206 as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
32207 bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
32208 she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
32209 man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
32210 right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
32211 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
32213 The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
32214 see her little dog Pritzi again.
32215 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
32217 It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
32218 tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
32219 was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
32220 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
32222 Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
32223 named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
32224 night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
32225 worst possible novel.
32227 Like corn in a field I cut you down,
32228 I threw the last punch way too hard,
32229 After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
32230 To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
32231 And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
32232 I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
32233 And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
32234 And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
32235 I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
32236 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
32237 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
32238 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
32239 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
32240 You know I can't think straight no more
32241 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
32242 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
32243 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
32245 Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
32246 weren't so damned great!
32247 -- Armistead Maupin
32249 Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
32250 if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
32251 now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
32252 like the Rolling Stones?
32253 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
32254 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
32256 Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
32257 It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
32258 over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
32259 His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
32260 other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
32264 Like punning, programming is a play on words.
32266 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
32267 sense from things she found in gift shops.
32268 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
32270 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
32271 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
32274 Like the time I ran away...
32275 And turned around and you were standing close to me.
32276 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
32278 Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
32280 Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
32281 creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
32282 essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
32283 the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
32284 rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
32285 -- Senior Year Quote
32287 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
32288 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
32290 Q -- Is there life after death?
32291 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
32292 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
32293 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
32294 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
32295 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
32296 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
32297 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
32298 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
32299 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
32302 Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
32303 wins few friends, Germans excepted.
32304 -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
32306 Limericks are art forms complex,
32307 Their topics run chiefly to sex.
32308 They usually have virgins,
32309 And masculine urgin's,
32310 And other erotic effects.
32312 Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
32313 Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
32315 Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
32316 Kennedy in November 1960.
32318 Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
32320 Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
32323 Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
32324 Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
32326 Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
32327 Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
32329 The first Johnson was born in 1808.
32330 The second Johnson was born in 1908.
32332 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", Nov. 26, 2001
32334 Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
32336 "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
32337 Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
32339 Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
32340 in it he found that the damned things diverged.
32343 Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
32344 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
32345 Snoopy: That's nice to know.
32346 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
32348 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe
32349 we should think only about today.
32351 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
32355 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
32357 Lions in the street and roaming,
32358 Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
32359 A beast caged in the heart of the city.
32360 The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
32362 Went down south across the border,
32363 Left the chaos and disorder
32364 Back there, over his shoulder.
32365 One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
32366 A strange creature groaning beside him.
32367 Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
32368 Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
32369 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
32372 To call a spade a thpade.
32374 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
32375 Lisp Machine is Fun.
32376 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
32380 Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
32382 Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
32383 the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
32384 but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
32385 right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
32386 But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
32387 bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
32388 This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
32389 their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
32390 that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
32391 just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
32392 a panacea so alleged.
32393 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the
32394 government been lacking in courage and boldness in
32395 facing up to the recession?"
32397 Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
32398 is the other way round.
32399 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
32402 -- Ronald Macdonald
32405 Thy summer's play If thought is life
32406 My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
32407 Has brush'd away. And the want
32408 Of thought is death,
32410 A fly like thee? Then am I
32411 Or art not thou A happy fly
32412 A man like me? If I live
32417 Till some blind hand
32418 Shall brush my wing.
32419 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
32421 Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
32424 Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
32425 sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
32427 Little Known Facts, #23:
32428 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
32429 the BMW repair garage?
32431 Little Mary on the ice,
32432 Went out to have a frisk,
32433 Now wasn't little Mary nice,
32436 Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
32437 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
32439 Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
32442 Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
32444 Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
32446 Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
32447 published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
32448 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
32450 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
32453 Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
32454 you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
32455 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
32457 Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
32458 What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
32460 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
32461 What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
32463 Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
32466 Living in New York City gives people real incentives
32467 to want things that nobody else wants.
32470 Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
32471 like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
32473 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
32477 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
32479 Lizzie Borden took an axe,
32480 And plunged it deep into the VAX;
32481 Don't you envy people who
32482 Do all the things ___
\b\b\bYOU want to do?
32484 Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
32485 -- Henry David Thoreau
32487 Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
32488 interest rates, we don't need it."
32491 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
32492 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
32493 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
32494 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
32495 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
32496 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
32497 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
32498 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
32499 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
32500 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
32501 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
32502 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
32503 you and your friends will be, too.
32504 -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances
32505 and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies
32507 Lockwood's Long Shot:
32508 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
32509 one in a million, but once would be enough.
32511 Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
32514 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____
\b\b\b\b\bawful*.
32516 Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
32518 Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
32520 Logicians have but ill defined
32521 As rational the human kind.
32522 Logic, they say, belongs to man,
32523 But let them prove it if they can.
32524 -- Oliver Goldsmith
32528 LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
32531 The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
32532 turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
32533 graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
32534 side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
32535 your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
32536 interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
32537 lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
32538 Bulletin Board System).
32540 LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
32541 from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
32542 -- '80 Microcomputing
32544 Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
32546 Lonely is a man without love.
32547 -- Engelbert Humperdinck
32549 Lonely men seek companionship.
32550 Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
32557 Like to meet new and interesting people?
32559 JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
32561 Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
32562 be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
32563 The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
32564 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
32566 Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
32568 Long life is in store for you.
32570 Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
32571 long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
32572 pain and his aloneness without regret?
32573 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
32575 Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
32577 Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
32579 Look at it this way:
32580 Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
32581 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
32582 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32584 Look at it this way:
32585 Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
32586 forget $26,000 of college education.
32587 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32589 Look before you leap.
32595 Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a
32597 Look up and not down, look forward and not back, look out and not in,
32599 -- Edward Everett Hale, "Lowell Institute Lectures" (1869)
32601 Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
32602 to pay income taxes, too?
32603 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
32605 Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
32606 con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
32610 Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
32611 -- Stephen Sondheim
32613 Loose bits sink chips.
32615 Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
32616 -- Charles D'Hericault
32618 Lord, what fools these mortals be!
32619 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
32621 Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying
32624 Lost: gray and white female cat.
32625 Answers to electric can opener.
32627 Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
32629 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
32631 Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
32634 Lots of girls can be had for a song.
32635 Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
32637 Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
32640 Louie Louie, me gotta go
32641 Louie Louie, me gotta go
32643 Fine little girl she waits for me
32644 Me catch the ship for cross the sea
32645 Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
32646 Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
32647 (chorus) On the ship I dream she there
32648 I smell the rose in her hair
32649 Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
32650 It won't be long, me see my love
32651 I take her in my arms and then
32652 Me tell her I never leave again
32653 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
32656 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
32659 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
32662 When, if asked to choose between your lover
32663 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
32666 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
32669 When you don't want someone too close--
32670 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
32673 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
32675 Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
32677 Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
32679 Love America - or give it back.
32681 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
32683 Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
32684 world has ever seen.
32686 Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
32689 Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
32690 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
32692 Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
32693 Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
32694 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
32696 Love is a grave mental disease.
32699 Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
32702 Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
32703 over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
32704 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
32706 Love is a word that is constantly heard,
32707 Hate is a word that is not.
32708 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
32709 Love, I have read, is hot.
32710 But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
32711 And Love but a drug on the mart.
32712 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
32713 But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
32716 Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
32717 go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
32718 arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
32720 Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
32721 with the ideal never goes unpunished.
32722 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
32724 Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
32727 Love is being stupid together.
32730 Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
32731 around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
32732 Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
32734 Love is in the offing.
32735 -- The Homicidal Maniac
32737 Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
32739 Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
32740 pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
32741 grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
32745 Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
32746 -- Jerome K. Jerome
32748 Love is never asking why?
32750 Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
32752 Love is sentimental measles.
32754 Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
32756 Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
32757 raises some pretty good questions.
32760 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
32763 Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
32764 pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
32765 -- Charles Baudelaire
32767 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
32770 Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
32771 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
32773 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
32776 Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
32778 Love is what you've been through with somebody.
32781 Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
32783 Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
32784 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
32786 Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
32789 Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
32790 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
32792 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
32794 Love means never having to say you're sorry.
32795 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
32797 That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
32798 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
32800 Love means nothing to a tennis player.
32802 Love tells us many things that are not so.
32803 -- Krainian proverb
32805 Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
32807 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
32810 Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
32812 Love to eat them mousies,
32813 Mousies I love to eat.
32814 Bite they little heads off,
32815 Nibble at they tiny feet.
32818 Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
32819 seized this one for the fair form
32820 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
32821 Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
32822 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
32823 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
32824 Love brought us to one death.
32825 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
32827 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
32830 Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
32831 -- Benjamin Franklin
32834 If it jams -- force it.
32835 If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
32837 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
32839 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
32840 There's always one more bug.
32842 Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
32843 British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
32844 Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
32845 nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
32846 don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
32847 beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
32849 Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
32852 Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
32856 When you have a wife and a cigarette
32857 lighter -- both of which work.
32859 Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
32861 Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
32862 Can't you be serious for once?
32863 Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
32864 of the more important things in life!
32868 Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
32869 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
32871 Lunatic Asylum, n.:
32872 The place where optimism most flourishes.
32874 Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
32877 Lysistrata had a good idea.
32879 Ma Bell is a mean mother!
32881 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
32883 Machine-Independent, adj.:
32884 Does not run on any existing machine.
32886 Machine-independent program:
32887 A program that will not run on any machine.
32889 Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
32890 and play games -- but not with pleasure.
32893 Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
32896 Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
32900 Jogging home from your vasectomy.
32902 Macho does not prove mucho.
32906 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
32907 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32909 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
32910 first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
32914 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
32916 Madness takes its toll.
32919 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
32920 Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
32921 subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
32922 rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
32923 reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
32924 operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
32925 MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
32926 variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
32927 security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
32928 more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
32929 imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
32930 options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
32931 Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
32932 powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
32933 entire nodal aggravations.
32934 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
32936 Magary's Principle:
32937 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
32938 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
32939 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
32941 Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
32943 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
32945 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
32947 The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
32948 of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
32949 with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
32951 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32954 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
32956 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
32959 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
32960 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
32961 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32964 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
32967 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
32968 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
32969 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
32970 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
32971 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
32972 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
32973 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
32974 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
32977 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
32978 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
32979 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
32980 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32983 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
32984 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
32987 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
32988 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
32989 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
32990 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
32993 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
32995 Maintainer's Motto:
32996 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
32998 Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
32999 Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
33000 Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
33003 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
33005 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
33007 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
33009 Secondary Conclusion:
33010 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
33011 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
33013 Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
33016 Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
33018 Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
33019 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33021 Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
33025 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
33027 Make a wish, it might come true.
33029 Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
33031 Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
33033 Make it right before you make it faster.
33035 Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
33036 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
33038 Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
33040 Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
33042 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
33043 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It
33044 has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
33045 the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
33046 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
33049 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
33052 The reason surgeons wear masks.
33054 Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
33057 Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
33059 Man 1: ______
\b\b\b\b\b\bTIMING!
33061 Man and wife make one fool.
33063 Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
33064 -- Wernher von Braun
33066 Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
33067 he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
33068 all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
33069 time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
33070 far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
33071 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
33073 Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
33076 Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
33078 Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
33081 Man is a military animal,
33082 Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
33085 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
33086 upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
33089 Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
33090 no dog exchanges bones with another.
33093 Man is by nature a political animal.
33096 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
33097 only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
33098 -- Wernher von Braun
33100 Man is the measure of all things.
33103 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
33106 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
33107 victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
33108 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
33110 Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
33111 for he is the only animal that is struck with the
33112 difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
33115 Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
33116 -- Arthur R. Miller
33119 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
33120 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
33121 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which,
33122 however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
33123 habitable earth and Canada.
33124 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33126 Man proposes, God disposes.
33129 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
33133 Man who arrives at party two hours late
33134 will find he has been beaten to the punch.
33136 Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
33138 Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
33140 Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky.
33142 Man will never fly.
33143 Space travel is merely a dream.
33144 All aspirin is alike.
33146 Management: How many feet do mice have?
33147 Reply: Mice have four feet.
33149 R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
33150 M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
33151 R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
33152 M: What? Feet with no legs?
33153 R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
33154 M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
33155 R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
33156 M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
33157 R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
33158 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
33159 is not equipped with a foot.
33160 M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
33161 R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
33162 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
33163 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
33164 M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
33165 R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
33166 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
33167 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
33168 ornamental in nature.
33169 M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
33170 R: Mice have four feet.
33173 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
33176 A man known for giving great meeting.
33178 Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
33179 Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
33180 don't think, right?"
33184 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
33186 Manic-depressive, n.:
33187 Easy glum, easy glow.
33189 Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
33192 Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
33193 dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
33194 man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
33195 air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
33198 What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
33199 mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
33200 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
33203 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
33206 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
33208 Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
33210 Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
33211 conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
33212 -- Sydney J. Harris
33215 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a
33216 given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The
33217 information you need is in the others.
33220 Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
33223 Many a family tree needs trimming.
33225 Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
33226 is not so. It is so. It is not so.
33227 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
33229 Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
33230 get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
33231 -- Finley Peter Dunne
33233 Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
33234 can easily support two or more.
33236 Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
33237 except when he can't understand his own meaning.
33238 -- George D. Prentice
33240 Many are called, few are chosen.
33241 Fewer still get to do the choosing.
33243 Many are called, few volunteer.
33245 Many are cold, but few are frozen.
33247 Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
33249 Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
33250 certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
33251 devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
33252 their data processing systems.
33253 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
33255 Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
33256 weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
33257 weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
33258 but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
33259 he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
33260 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
33262 Many hands make light work.
33265 Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
33267 Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
33268 the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
33269 fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
33270 Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
33271 read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
33272 by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
33273 are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
33274 successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
33275 should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
33276 while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
33277 -- Francis Galton, 1909
33279 Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
33280 tricks on me and treating me badly.
33281 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
33283 Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
33284 life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
33285 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
33287 Many pages make a thick book.
33289 Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
33292 Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
33293 which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
33295 Many people are secretly interested in life.
33297 Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
33299 Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
33301 Many people feel that if you won't let
33302 them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
33304 Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
33305 recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
33307 Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
33309 Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
33310 -- Bertrand Russell
33312 Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
33314 Many receive advice, few profit by it.
33317 Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon,
33318 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
33319 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
33320 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
33323 Margaret, are you grieving
33324 Over Goldengrove unleaving?
33325 Leaves, like the things of man,
33326 You, with your fresh thoughts
33328 Ah! as the heart grows older
33329 It will come to such sights colder
33330 By and by, nor spare a sigh
33331 Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
33332 And yet you will weep and know why.
33333 Now no matter, child, the name
33334 Sorrow's springs are the same:
33335 It is the blight man was born for,
33336 It is Margaret you mourn for.
33337 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins
33341 Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
33342 Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
33344 Peach blossom: I am your captive
33345 Petunia: Your presence soothes me
33347 Rose, any color: Love
33348 Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
33349 Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
33350 Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
33351 Rose, white: I am worthy of you
33352 Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
33353 Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
33354 Rosemary: Remembrance
33355 Sunflower: Haughtiness
33356 Tulip, red: Declaration of love
33357 Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
33358 Violet, blue: Faithfulness
33359 Violet, white: Modesty
33360 Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
33361 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
33363 Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
33365 Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
33366 who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
33367 it in order to protect themselves.
33370 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
33371 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
33372 simple yes or no answer.
33375 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
33376 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
33377 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
33382 Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
33383 insincerity possible between two human beings.
33386 Marriage causes dating problems.
33388 Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
33391 Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
33393 Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
33394 not ready for an institution yet.
33397 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
33398 surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
33401 Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
33403 Marriage is a three ring circus:
33404 engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
33407 Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
33408 to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
33410 Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
33411 exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
33413 -- George Jean Nathan
33415 Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
33417 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
33418 chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
33420 Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
33423 Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the
33424 burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place.
33427 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
33430 Marriage is the process of finding out what
33431 kind of man your wife would have preferred.
33433 Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
33438 Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
33441 Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
33443 MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
33444 connected by a thin strand.
33446 Come on, Marta, grow up.
33447 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
33449 MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
33450 of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
33451 territory from invasion by another group."
33453 "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
33454 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
33456 Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
33457 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
33458 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
33460 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
33461 -- George Bernard Shaw
33463 Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
33464 What a finely tuned response to the situation!
33466 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
33467 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
33468 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
33469 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
33470 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
33471 named a drink Fred?"
33473 Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
33474 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
33476 Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
33477 And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
33478 It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
33479 It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
33480 She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
33481 And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
33482 It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
33483 The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
33484 The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
33485 Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
33486 Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
33487 So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
33491 You can always find what you're not looking for.
33493 Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
33494 the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
33496 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
33499 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
33500 you treat everything like a nail.
33502 Mason's First Law of Synergism:
33503 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
33505 Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
33507 Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The
33508 price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute.
33511 Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
33512 -- Christopher Hampton
33514 Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
33517 Mater artium necessitas.
33518 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
33520 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
33523 MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
33524 Please, don't drink and derive.
33531 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
33535 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
33537 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
33538 translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
33539 entirely different.
33540 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
33542 Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
33543 described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
33545 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
33548 Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
33551 Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
33552 to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
33555 Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
33556 one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
33559 Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
33560 a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
33561 part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
33562 yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
33563 greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
33564 of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
33565 to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
33566 -- Bertrand Russell
33568 Matrimony is the root of all evil.
33570 Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
33572 Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
33573 nor can it be returned without a receipt.
33575 Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
33577 [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
33578 where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
33579 more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
33580 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
33582 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
33586 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
33588 May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
33589 versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
33591 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
33593 May all your Emus lay soft boiled eggs, and may all your
33594 Kangaroos be born with iPods already fitted.
33595 -- Aussie New Years wish, found on hasselbladinfo.com
33597 May all your PUSHes be POPped.
33599 May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
33601 May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
33603 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
33605 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
33607 May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
33608 God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
33609 he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
33611 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
33613 May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
33615 May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
33617 May you have warm words on a cold evening,
33618 a full moon on a dark night,
33619 and a smooth road all the way to your door.
33621 May you live in uninteresting times.
33624 May your camel be as swift as the wind.
33626 May your SO always know when you need a hug.
33628 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
33631 Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
33632 lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
33635 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
33638 Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
33639 earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
33642 Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes.
33644 Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
33645 other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
33646 had to seek professional help.
33648 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
33652 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
33653 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
33655 McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
33657 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
33658 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
33659 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
33662 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
33663 everyone you know, only more so.
33666 Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
33667 just like everyone else.
33669 Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
33670 Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
33671 [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
33672 AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
33673 [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
33674 Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
33675 Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
33676 Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
33677 Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
33678 Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
33679 Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
33680 Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
33681 "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
33682 Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
33683 Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
33684 Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
33685 Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
33686 Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
33688 Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
33689 has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
33690 moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
33691 magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
33692 have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
33693 get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
33694 of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful
33695 oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
33696 hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
33697 venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
33698 bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
33699 aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
33700 arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
33701 of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
33704 Measure twice, cut once.
33706 Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
33709 Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
33711 Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
33714 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
33715 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
33718 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
33720 Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
33721 corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
33722 in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
33726 An interoffice communication too often written more for
33727 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
33730 MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
33731 remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
33734 I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
33735 smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
33736 played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
33737 some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
33739 I guess some things never leave you.
33740 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
33742 Memory fault -- brain fried
33744 Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
33746 Memory fault - where am I?
33748 Memory should be the starting point of the present.
33750 Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
33753 Men are superior to women.
33756 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
33759 Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
33760 They're attracted by what I don't mind...
33763 Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
33766 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
33767 thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
33770 Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
33771 rights as women have of their wrongs.
33774 Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
33776 Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
33778 Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
33779 from religious conviction.
33780 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens'
\bees", 1670
33782 Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
33785 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
33786 pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
33787 -- Winston Churchill
33789 Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
33790 -- Leonardo da Vinci
33792 Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
33794 Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
33795 at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
33797 Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
33798 pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
33799 and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
33800 inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
33801 sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
33802 and acts that are contrary to habit...
33803 -- Hippocrates, "The Sacred Disease"
33805 Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
33808 Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
33810 Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
33812 Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
33813 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
33815 Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
33816 and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
33819 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
33820 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
33821 Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
33822 had split before. Thus was the Empire forged.
33823 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
33825 Men who cherish for women the highest
33826 respect are seldom popular with them.
33829 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
33830 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
33832 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
33833 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
33834 cork makes when it is popped.
33836 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
33837 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
33839 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
33840 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
33841 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
33842 can ever hope to acquire it.
33844 Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin.
33846 Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
33847 corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
33848 favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
33851 Mental things which have not gone in through the
33852 senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
33856 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
33859 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
33862 MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
33864 Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
33866 Message will arrive in the mail.
33867 Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
33870 One who doubts the established fact that it is
33871 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
33873 Metermaids eat their young.
33875 methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
33876 ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
33877 phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
33878 taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
33879 glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
33880 nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
33881 minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
33882 cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
33883 leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
33884 cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
33885 lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
33886 sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
33887 cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
33888 nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
33889 nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
33890 partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
33891 glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
33892 valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
33893 cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
33894 nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
33895 rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
33896 glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
33897 sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
33898 lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
33899 glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
33900 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
33901 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
33902 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
33905 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
33911 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
33913 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
33915 Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
33916 watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks.
33918 Microwaves frizz your heir.
33920 Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
33922 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
33923 out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
33924 -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942)
33926 Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
33927 Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
33929 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
33932 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
33934 Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
33936 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
33939 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
33943 Lose a few, lose a few.
33946 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
33948 Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
33949 themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
33952 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
33953 politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum
33954 and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they
33955 are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
33956 rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all
33957 the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
33958 Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert
33959 Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
33960 Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
33962 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
33964 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
33965 is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined,
33966 myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
33967 the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
33968 unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You
33969 will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
33970 dead as a door-nail.
33972 Mind your own business, Spock.
33973 I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
33975 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
33978 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
33982 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
33983 mosquito supplier to the free world.
33984 come fall in love with a loon.
33985 where visitors turn blue with envy.
33986 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
33987 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
33988 where the elite meet sleet.
33989 glove it or leave it.
33990 many are cold, but few are frozen.
33991 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
33992 land of 10,000 Petersons.
33994 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
33996 Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
33997 pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
34000 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
34002 Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
34005 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
34007 Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
34011 The kind of fortune that never misses.
34012 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34014 Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
34017 A title with which we brand unmarried
34018 women to indicate that they are in the market.
34019 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34022 A person who depends on accidental features or
34023 implementation errors and so now has a vested
34024 interest in keeping things from being fixed.
34025 -- Chip Morningstar
34027 Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
34029 Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
34032 The Georgia Tech of the North
34034 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
34035 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
34036 held to discuss it.
34038 Mittsquinter, adj.:
34039 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball,
34040 as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
34041 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
34043 Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
34044 it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
34048 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
34049 With five empty seats.
34052 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
34053 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
34055 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
34057 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
34058 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
34059 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
34060 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
34063 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
34064 RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
34065 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
34066 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
34067 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
34068 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
34069 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
34070 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
34071 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
34073 Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
34077 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
34078 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
34080 Moderation in all things.
34081 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
34083 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
34086 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
34087 themselves that they have a better idea.
34090 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
34092 Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
34093 function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
34094 other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
34095 brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
34096 Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
34097 conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
34098 is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
34099 assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
34100 Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
34101 logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
34102 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior:
34103 A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949
34106 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
34108 Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
34111 Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
34112 not to be aware of it.
34115 Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
34116 Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
34118 Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
34120 Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
34121 Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
34123 Moebius always does it on the same side.
34125 Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
34127 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
34128 how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
34129 The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
34131 Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
34132 in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
34133 hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
34134 the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
34135 but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
34136 So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
34137 over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
34138 the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
34139 the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
34140 awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
34141 woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
34142 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
34145 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
34146 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
34147 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
34148 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
34149 the atom in that it is an ion...
34150 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34152 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
34153 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
34154 it wasn't worth doing.
34157 What you give a person when they are going away.
34159 Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
34162 When they finally do have to take you to the
34163 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
34165 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
34168 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
34169 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34172 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
34173 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34175 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
34177 -- The Best of Will Rogers
34179 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
34183 but is excellent kindling.
34185 To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
34186 Is a keen observer of life,
34187 The word intellectual suggests right away
34188 A man who's untrue to his wife.
34189 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
34191 Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
34192 awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
34195 Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
34196 -- Christopher Marlowe
34198 Money doesn't talk, it swears.
34201 Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
34204 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
34206 Money is its own reward.
34208 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
34210 Money is the root of all wealth.
34212 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
34215 Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
34216 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
34218 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
34220 Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
34221 puts you in a great bargaining position.
34223 Money will say more in one moment than
34224 the most eloquent lover can in years.
34226 Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
34229 Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
34233 Marriage to one woman at a time.
34236 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
34239 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
34241 Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
34242 in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
34243 of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
34244 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
34247 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
34248 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
34251 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
34252 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
34255 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
34257 More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
34260 More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without
34261 necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including
34265 More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
34268 More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
34270 More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
34272 MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
34273 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
34274 night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
34275 waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
34276 the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
34277 broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
34278 the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
34279 At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
34280 full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
34282 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
34283 leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
34284 Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
34285 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
34287 Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
34288 religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
34289 One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
34290 man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
34292 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
34293 nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
34294 I just want to win one little lottery."
34295 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
34296 least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
34299 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
34301 Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
34302 wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
34303 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
34305 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
34306 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
34310 The state bird of New Jersey.
34312 Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
34314 Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
34315 because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
34316 and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
34317 eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
34318 and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
34319 female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
34320 dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
34321 by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
34322 truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
34323 them that it doesn't make any difference.
34324 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
34327 Most folks they like the daytime,
34328 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
34329 They're up in the morning,
34330 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
34331 But when the sun goes down,
34332 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
34334 Now there are two sides to this great big world,
34335 and one of them is always night.
34336 If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
34337 I guess you're gonna be all right.
34338 Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
34339 My eyes just can't stand the light.
34341 'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
34344 Most general statements are false, including this one.
34347 Most of our lives are about proving something,
34348 either to ourselves or to someone else.
34350 Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
34351 difficulties before we get to them.
34354 ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
34355 useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
34356 hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
34357 and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
34358 lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
34359 which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
34360 speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
34361 of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
34362 has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
34363 -- Alix Kates Shulman
34365 Most of your faults are not your fault.
34367 Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
34369 Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
34370 they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
34371 to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
34375 Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
34377 Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
34381 Most people deserve each other.
34384 Most people don't need a great deal of love
34385 nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
34387 Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
34390 Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
34392 Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
34393 only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
34394 quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
34395 -- W. Somerset Maugham
34397 Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
34399 Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
34400 a good reason, and the real reason.
34402 Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
34403 at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
34406 Most people need some of their problems
34407 to help take their mind off some of the others.
34409 Most people prefer certainty to truth.
34411 Most people want either less corruption
34412 or more of a chance to participate in it.
34414 Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
34415 if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
34417 Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
34420 Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
34422 Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
34424 Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
34425 can't talk for people who can't read.
34428 Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
34430 Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
34436 Mother Earth is not flat!
34438 Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
34441 Mother is the invention of necessity.
34443 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
34446 Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
34448 Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
34449 don't want them to become politicians in the process.
34452 Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
34453 Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
34454 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
34456 Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
34458 MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
34460 Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
34464 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
34465 population is growing.
34467 Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
34468 the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
34469 shirts but they're going back.
34471 Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
34472 you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
34474 Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
34475 renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
34476 at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
34478 Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
34479 Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
34482 Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
34483 When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
34484 wrong, "Up to a point."
34485 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
34486 Yokohama isn't it?"
34487 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
34488 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
34489 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
34490 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
34492 MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
34495 Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
34496 consultants, and at some point you time them out.
34499 Much of the excitement we get out of our work
34500 is that we don't really know what we are doing.
34501 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
34503 Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
34504 He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
34505 "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
34507 But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
34508 First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
34509 "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
34510 But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
34511 "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
34513 Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
34514 But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
34515 His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
34516 And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
34517 His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
34518 And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
34519 and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
34520 None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
34522 Multics is security spelled sideways.
34524 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams)
34525 "365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old
34526 Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
34527 pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
34528 in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
34529 in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
34530 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic
34531 computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
34533 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
34536 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
34538 Mummy dust to make me old;
34539 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
34540 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
34541 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
34542 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
34543 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
34544 Now begin thy magic spell!
34545 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
34548 -- Miguel de Cervantes
34550 Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
34551 -- Xaviera Hollander
34553 [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
34555 Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
34556 talk about after dinner.
34557 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
34559 Murphy was an optimist.
34561 Murphy's Discovery:
34562 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
34563 women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
34564 will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
34567 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
34569 Murphy's Law of Research:
34570 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
34572 Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
34573 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
34576 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
34577 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
34578 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
34581 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
34583 Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
34586 Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
34588 Must I hold a candle to my shames?
34589 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
34592 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
34593 long it has become a science project.
34594 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
34596 My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
34597 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
34599 My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
34600 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
34601 Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
34602 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
34603 'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
34605 And you know two heads are better than one.
34607 My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
34608 threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
34609 First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
34610 frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
34611 the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
34612 forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
34613 perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
34614 the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
34615 crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
34616 symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
34617 in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
34618 really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
34620 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
34622 My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
34624 Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
34625 they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
34627 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
34628 The height of its contents to see!
34629 She lit a small match to assist her,
34630 Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
34632 My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
34633 to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
34634 only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
34635 a bulls-eye on the back.
34637 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
34638 said, "So will you."
34639 -- Rodney Dangerfield
34641 My brain is my second favorite organ.
34644 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
34645 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
34648 My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
34649 It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
34650 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
34651 It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
34652 decimal points for the sake of precision.
34653 Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
34654 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
34655 It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
34656 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
34657 It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
34659 Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
34660 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
34662 My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
34663 nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
34664 instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
34665 a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
34666 the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
34667 turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
34668 that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
34669 just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
34670 -- Hunter S. Thompson
34672 "My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack"
34673 -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs
34675 My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
34676 of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother,
34678 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
34680 My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
34682 My darling wife was always glum.
34683 I drowned her in a cask of rum,
34684 And so made sure that she would stay
34685 In better spirits night and day.
34687 My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
34688 Unless there are three other people.
34691 My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
34693 My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
34694 beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
34698 My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
34701 My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
34702 your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
34703 -- Erich Maria Remarque
34705 My father taught me three things:
34706 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
34707 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
34708 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
34710 My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
34711 missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
34714 My father was a saint, I'm not.
34717 My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
34718 and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
34719 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
34721 My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
34722 Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
34723 New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
34724 and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
34725 somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
34726 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
34727 to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
34728 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
34730 My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
34731 but they were there to meet the boat.
34733 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
34734 later I can ask him what he meant.
34737 My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
34738 but always, always, he was right.
34740 My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
34741 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
34742 back and dig her up.
34744 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
34745 as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
34746 mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
34747 I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
34748 would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
34750 My, how you've changed since I've changed.
34752 My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
34754 My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
34756 My interest is in the future because I am
34757 going to spend the rest of my life there.
34759 My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?
34762 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
34763 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
34764 The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
34765 And the skies are sunlit for him.
34766 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
34767 As the fragrance of acacia.
34768 My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
34769 And I wish he were in Asia.
34770 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
34772 My love runs by like a day in June,
34773 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
34774 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
34775 In the pathway or the morrows.
34776 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
34777 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
34778 My own dear love, he is all my heart --
34779 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
34780 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
34782 My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
34783 thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
34784 -- George Bernard Shaw
34786 My mind can never know my body, although
34787 it has become quite friendly with my legs.
34788 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
34790 My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
34793 My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
34797 My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
34798 "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
34799 For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
34800 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
34802 My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
34806 Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
34807 It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
34808 Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
34809 My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
34811 It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
34812 They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
34813 And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
34814 When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
34817 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
34819 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
34820 be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
34822 My only love sprung from my only hate!
34823 Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
34824 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
34826 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
34828 My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
34831 My own dear love, he is strong and bold
34832 And he cares not what comes after.
34833 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
34834 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
34835 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
34836 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
34837 My own dear love, he is all my world --
34838 And I wish I'd never met him.
34839 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
34841 My own feelings are perhaps best described by saying that I am
34842 perfectly aware that there is no Royal Road to Mathematics, in other
34843 words, that I have only a very small head and must live with it.
34844 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
34846 My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
34847 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
34848 reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
34849 to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
34850 we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
34851 slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
34852 from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
34853 would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
34854 -- James A. Michener
34856 My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
34858 My pen is at the bottom of a page,
34859 Which, being finished, here the story ends;
34860 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
34861 But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
34864 My philosophy is: Don't think.
34867 My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
34870 Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
34873 My rackets are run on strictly American
34874 lines, and they're going to stay that way.
34877 My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
34878 spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
34879 with our frail and feeble mind.
34882 My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
34883 hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
34884 in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
34885 character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
34886 of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
34887 Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
34888 dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
34889 to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
34890 in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
34891 -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
34892 part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
34893 right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
34894 have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
34895 exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
34898 My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
34899 reason to limit myself.
34902 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
34903 She sells C shells by the seashore.
34905 My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
34906 I do not like me anymore,
34907 I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
34908 I ponder on the narrow house
34909 I shudder at the thought of men
34910 I'm due to fall in love again.
34911 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
34913 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
34914 -- Christopher Morley
34916 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
34919 My way of joking is to tell the truth.
34920 That's the funniest joke in the world.
34923 My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
34925 Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
34926 -- Booth Tarkington
34929 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
34930 origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
34931 from the true accounts which it invents later.
34932 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34934 Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
34935 is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
34936 returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
34938 So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
34940 Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
34941 "So, how's your daughter?"
34942 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
34943 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
34944 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
34945 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
34948 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
34950 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
34953 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
34956 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
34960 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
34962 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
34964 A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
34966 Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
34967 -- The Mad Palindromist
34969 NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
34971 GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
34973 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
34975 Narcolepulacyi, n.:
34976 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
34978 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
34980 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant
34981 said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
34982 time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone
34985 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the
34986 villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time,"
34987 said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the
34988 villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The
34989 remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he
34990 said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was `Get out of
34991 my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually
34992 spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
34994 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to
34995 serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk
34996 into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?"
34997 "Never." "Then how do you know it was me?"
34999 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
35000 than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the
35003 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver
35004 pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of
35005 meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
35006 "Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
35009 National security is in your hands - guard it well.
35011 Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
35012 scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
35013 -- Mary Ellen Kelly
35015 Natural laws have no pity.
35017 Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
35018 of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
35019 drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
35020 or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
35021 can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
35022 have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
35023 for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
35027 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
35028 conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the
35029 fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
35030 is most likely to be creamed?
35033 Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
35034 -- Clare Booth Luce
35036 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
35038 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
35039 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
35041 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
35042 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
35044 Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
35046 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
35048 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
35049 cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
35052 Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
35053 tolerated until they acquire some sense.
35056 Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
35057 And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
35058 As on the land while here the ocean gains,
35059 In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
35060 Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
35061 The solid power of understanding fails;
35062 Where beams of warm imagination play,
35063 The memory's soft figures melt away.
35064 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
35066 Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
35069 Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
35070 On the Rue des Ecoles
35073 Every evening I would see him
35074 guiding the dog along
35075 the sidewalk, keeping
35076 a firm grip on the leash
35077 so that the dog wouldn't
35078 run into a passerby
35079 Sometimes the dog would stop
35080 and look up at the sky
35082 noticed me watching the dog
35083 and he said, "Oh, yes,
35085 when the moon is out,
35086 he can feel it on his face"
35089 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but
35090 if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
35093 Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
35094 have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
35097 Necessity has no law.
35100 Necessity hath no law.
35103 Necessity is a mother.
35105 "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
35106 is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
35107 -- Alfred North Whitehead
35109 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
35110 It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
35111 -- William Pitt, 1783
35113 Neckties strangle clear thinking.
35116 Needs are a function of what other people have.
35118 Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
35121 Neil Armstrong tripped.
35123 Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
35125 Nemo me impune lacessit
35126 [No one provokes me with impunity]
35127 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
35130 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
35131 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
35132 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
35135 Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com
35139 Melancholia's blue.
35143 Neurotics build castles in the sky,
35144 Psychotics live in them,
35145 And psychiatrists collect the rent.
35147 Neutrinos are into physicists.
35149 Neutrinos have bad breadth.
35152 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
35153 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
35154 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
35156 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
35159 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
35160 Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
35163 Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
35165 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
35167 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
35169 Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
35172 Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
35173 Professionals built the Titanic.
35175 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
35177 Never buy from a rich salesman.
35180 Never buy what you do not want
35181 because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
35182 -- Thomas Jefferson
35184 Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
35186 Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
35188 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
35190 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
35192 Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools
35196 Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
35198 Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
35199 with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
35200 into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
35201 window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
35203 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
35205 Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
35206 And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
35207 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
35209 Never eat more than you can lift.
35212 Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
35213 absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
35215 Never explain. Your friends do not need it
35216 and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
35219 Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
35222 Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
35224 Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
35226 Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
35228 Never give an inch!
35230 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
35231 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
35233 Never have children, only grandchildren.
35236 Never have so many understood so little about so much.
35239 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
35241 Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
35243 Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
35246 Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
35249 Never kick a man, unless he's down.
35251 Never laugh at live dragons.
35252 -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit"
35254 Never leave anything to chance;
35255 make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
35257 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
35260 Never let someone who says it cannot be done
35261 interrupt the person who is doing it.
35263 Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
35265 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
35266 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
35268 Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
35271 Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
35273 Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
35274 make it complex and wonderful.
35276 Never miss a good chance to shut up.
35278 Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear
35280 -- Former deputy defense minister of India
35282 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
35283 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
35285 Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
35287 Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
35289 Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
35291 Never promise more than you can perform.
35294 Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
35297 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
35299 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
35301 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
35302 law against it by that time.
35304 Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
35308 Never reveal your best argument.
35310 Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
35312 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
35314 Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
35316 Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
35319 Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
35321 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
35323 NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
35325 Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
35326 in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
35327 tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
35328 On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
35331 Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
35333 Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
35334 do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
35335 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
35337 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
35340 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
35342 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
35344 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
35346 Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
35349 Never trust an operating system.
35351 Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
35353 Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
35355 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
35357 -- Robert A. Heinlein
35359 (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
35361 Never try to outstubborn a cat.
35362 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
35364 Never try to teach a pig to sing.
35365 It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
35367 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
35368 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
35370 Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
35372 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
35373 -- Robert A. Heinlein
35375 Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
35376 there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
35378 Never volunteer for anything.
35381 Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
35383 -- Robert A. Heinlein
35386 Different color from previous model.
35388 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
35390 New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
35392 New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
35393 any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
35395 New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
35396 Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
35398 New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
35399 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
35402 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
35403 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
35404 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
35406 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
35407 his wife most often reminds him to act it.
35408 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
35410 New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
35412 New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
35413 whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
35416 New York-- to that tall skyline I come
35417 Flyin' in from London to your door
35418 New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
35419 Where they say you should not wander after dark.
35421 -- Simon and Garfunkel
35423 New York's got the ways and means;
35424 Just won't let you be.
35425 -- The Grateful Dead
35428 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
35429 economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
35431 Newman's Discovery:
35432 Your best dreams may not come true;
35433 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
35436 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
35437 German pole-vault champion.
35442 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
35443 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
35446 Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
35448 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
35450 Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
35452 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
35453 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
35455 Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
35456 As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
35458 Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
35461 Nice guys don't finish nice.
35463 Nice guys finish last.
35466 Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
35469 Nice guys get sick.
35471 Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
35472 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
35474 Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
35476 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
35477 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
35478 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
35480 Nihilism should commence with oneself.
35482 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
35483 correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
35484 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
35485 Americans call him by value.
35487 Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
35488 Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
35489 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
35490 Three megs for system source;
35492 One disk to rule them all,
35493 One disk to bind them,
35494 One disk to hold the files
35495 And in the darkness grind 'em.
35497 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
35498 And tapes without any tracks;
35499 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
35500 And tapes mixed up on the racks --
35501 Take hold of the tape
35502 And pull off the strip,
35503 And then you'll be sure
35504 Your tape drive will skip.
35506 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
35508 Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
35511 Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
35512 The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
35515 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
35516 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
35517 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
35519 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends
35523 Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
35524 else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
35525 the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
35526 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
35528 No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
35531 No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
35533 No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
35535 No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
35536 absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
35539 No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
35543 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
35544 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
35546 No character, however upright, is a match for
35547 constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
35548 -- Alexander Hamilton
35550 No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
35551 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
35552 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
35553 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
35555 No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
35556 camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
35557 effectively under such difficult conditions.
35558 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
35562 No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
35563 lectures which are really worth the attending.
35564 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
35566 No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
35567 on the grounds that it was human nature.
35569 No, "Eureka" is Greek for "This bath is too hot."
35570 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
35572 No evil can happen to a good man.
35575 No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
35578 No extensible language will be universal.
35581 No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
35582 no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
35585 No good deed goes unpunished.
35586 -- Clare Boothe Luce
35588 No group of professionals meets except to
35589 conspire against the public at large.
35592 No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
35593 he will not become a nuisance after three days.
35594 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
35598 No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
35599 until three software guys have signed off for it.
35600 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
35602 No, his mind is not for rent
35603 To any god or government.
35604 Always hopeful, yet discontent,
35605 He knows changes aren't permanent -
35608 No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
35610 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
35611 It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
35612 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
35614 No, I don't have a drinking problem.
35615 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
35617 No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
35618 just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
35619 and Telegraph Company.
35620 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
35623 No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
35626 No job too big; no fee too big!
35627 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"
35629 No line available at 300 baud.
35631 No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
35632 absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
35633 Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
35634 within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
35635 Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
35636 doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
35637 of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
35638 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
35643 No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
35644 interest in hair restorers.
35647 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
35649 -- Channing Pollock
35651 No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
35652 Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
35653 Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
35654 a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
35655 me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
35656 for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
35657 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
35659 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
35661 No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
35663 No man is useless who has a friend,
35664 and if we are loved we are indispensable.
35665 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
35667 No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
35670 No man's ambition has a right to stand in
35671 the way of performing a simple act of justice.
35674 No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
35675 than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
35678 No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
35679 with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
35680 But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
35684 No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
35686 No matter how much you do you never do enough.
35688 No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
35689 signs of improvement.
35690 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
35692 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will
35693 seriously cramp his style.
35695 No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
35697 No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
35698 immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
35700 No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
35702 No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
35703 the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
35705 No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
35706 th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
35709 No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
35710 unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
35713 No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
35714 all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
35715 the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
35716 republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
35717 ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
35718 every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
35719 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
35721 No one becomes depraved in a moment.
35722 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
35724 No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
35726 No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
35727 dirty little beast.
35730 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
35731 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
35733 No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
35735 No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
35737 No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
35739 No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
35740 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
35742 No one knows like a woman how to say
35743 things that are at once gentle and deep.
35746 No one knows what he can do till he tries.
35749 No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
35752 No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin!
35755 No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
35756 one who's giving it.
35759 NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
35760 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
35762 No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
35763 system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
35767 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
35768 For this isn't really the norm.
35769 But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
35770 So what? Any pork in a storm.
35772 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
35773 It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
35774 But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
35775 Cast even more perils before swine.
35777 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
35778 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
35779 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
35780 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
35782 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
35783 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
35784 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
35785 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
35786 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
35787 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
35788 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
35789 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
35791 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
35792 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
35793 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
35794 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
35797 No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
35798 them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
35799 their wish has been granted.
35800 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
35802 No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
35804 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
35807 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
35809 "No program is perfect,"
35810 They said with a shrug.
35811 "The customer's happy--
35812 What's one little bug?"
35814 But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
35815 The others went home. As year followed year.
35816 He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
35817 Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
35819 Night passed into morning. He died at the console
35820 The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
35821 With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
35822 "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
35824 Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
35825 Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
35826 "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
35827 "Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
35828 -- The Perfect Programmer
35830 No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
35831 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
35832 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
35833 occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
35834 an indication-applied occurrence.
35837 No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
35839 No rock so hard but that a little wave
35840 May beat admission in a thousand years.
35843 No self-made man ever did such a good job
35844 that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
35847 No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper.
35848 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
35849 taken over by Rupert Murdoch
35851 No skis take rocks like rental skis!
35853 No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
35854 for that purpose to keep awake all day.
35855 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
35857 No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
35859 No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
35860 Finished his old Raven,
35861 then he started his Old Crow.
35863 No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
35866 No spitting on the Bus!
35867 Thank you, The Management.
35869 No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
35870 -- Richard M. Nixon
35872 No two persons ever read the same book.
35875 No use getting too involved in life --
35876 you're only here for a limited time.
35878 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
35881 No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
35882 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
35884 No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
35885 him than he deserves.
35888 No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
35889 Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
35891 No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
35893 No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
35895 Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
35897 Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.
35898 -- Tallulah Bankhead
35900 Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
35902 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
35905 Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
35907 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
35909 Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
35910 limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
35911 if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
35912 shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
35913 that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
35914 It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
35917 Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
35919 Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
35923 Everybody hates me,
35924 I think I'll go out and eat worms.
35925 I'm gonna cut their heads off,
35926 Eat their insides out,
35927 And throw way the skins.
35928 Big, fat, juicy ones,
35929 Little, skinny, cute ones,
35930 Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
35932 Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
35933 And then it's too late.
35935 Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
35938 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
35939 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the
35940 Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
35942 Only Capone kills like that.
35943 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
35945 The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
35946 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
35948 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in
35949 order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the
35950 substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young
35954 Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
35955 your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
35957 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
35958 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
35960 Nobody wants constructive criticism.
35961 It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
35963 Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
35964 coming in late and lying about it.
35968 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
35969 merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
35973 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
35977 New Yorkerese for expensive.
35981 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35983 Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
35986 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
35988 None love the bearer of bad news.
35991 None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
35992 to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
35993 ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
35994 job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
35995 forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
35996 he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
35997 state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
35998 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
35999 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
36001 Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
36002 Negative expectations yield negative results.
36003 Positive expectations yield negative results.
36005 Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
36008 Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
36011 Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
36013 Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
36015 No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
36016 intentions. He had money as well.
36017 -- Margaret Thatcher
36019 Norbert Wiener was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Wiener was, in
36020 fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
36021 moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
36022 useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
36023 she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
36024 moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
36025 him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
36026 reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
36027 some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
36028 threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
36029 old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
36030 had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
36031 paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
36032 was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
36033 he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener
36034 and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
36035 young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
36036 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
36037 story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
36038 quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
36039 however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
36042 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
36043 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
36045 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
36046 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
36047 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
36049 Coach: How's life, Norm?
36050 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
36051 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
36053 Norm: Hey, everybody.
36054 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
36055 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
36057 How are you feeling today, Norm?
36058 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
36059 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
36061 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
36062 Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
36064 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
36066 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
36067 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
36068 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
36070 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
36072 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
36073 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
36074 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
36076 Coach: What's up, Normie?
36077 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
36078 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
36080 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
36082 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
36084 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
36086 Off-screen crowd: Norm!
36087 Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
36088 Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
36089 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
36091 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
36092 Norm: Elope with my wife.
36093 -- Cheers, The Triangle
36095 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
36096 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
36097 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
36101 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
36102 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
36103 -- Cheers, The Triangle
36105 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
36106 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
36107 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
36108 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
36110 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
36111 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
36112 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
36114 [Norm returns from the hospital.]
36116 Coach: What's up, Norm?
36117 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
36118 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
36120 Sam: What's new, Normie?
36121 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
36122 They're demanding beer.
36123 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
36125 Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
36126 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
36127 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
36129 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
36130 Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
36132 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
36134 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
36135 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, "Insert beer here."
36136 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
36138 Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
36139 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
36140 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
36141 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
36143 Normal times may possibly be over forever.
36145 Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
36146 reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
36147 although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
36149 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
36151 Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
36153 Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
36155 Not all men who drink are poets.
36156 Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
36158 Not all who own a harp are harpers.
36159 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
36161 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
36162 make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
36164 Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
36165 the capitalist mode of production.
36168 Not every question deserves an answer.
36170 Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
36172 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
36173 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
36174 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
36175 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
36176 dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
36177 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
36178 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
36179 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
36180 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
36181 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
36183 Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
36184 -- William Shakespeare
36186 Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
36187 ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
36188 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University
36190 I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
36191 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis
36193 Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
36196 Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
36197 serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
36198 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
36200 Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
36203 Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems
36204 to have been written by Bruce Evans.
36205 -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992
36207 NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
36208 All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
36209 all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
36210 features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
36211 abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
36212 attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
36213 local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
36214 invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
36215 surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
36216 electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
36217 chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
36218 premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
36219 uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
36220 and/or frogs falling from the sky.
36222 Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message
36224 Failed due to: SunOS 5.8 is installed.
36225 -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine
36227 Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
36229 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
36230 of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
36231 is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
36232 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is
36233 careful not to make any poultry jokes ...
36236 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
36237 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
36239 Nothing can be done in one trip.
36242 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
36244 Nothing endures but change.
36246 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
36248 Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
36249 proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
36252 Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
36253 -- Winston Churchill
36255 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
36256 satisfying as an income tax refund.
36259 Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
36261 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
36263 Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
36264 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
36265 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
36267 Nothing is but what is not.
36269 Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
36271 Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
36273 To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
36276 Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
36278 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
36281 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
36284 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
36285 tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
36288 Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
36290 Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
36291 She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
36292 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
36294 Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
36295 -- Michel de Montaigne
36297 Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
36298 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
36300 Nothing lasts forever.
36301 Where do I find nothing?
36303 Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
36305 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
36306 Conscience makes egotists of us all.
36309 Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
36312 Nothing motivates a man more than to
36313 see his boss put in an honest day's work.
36315 Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
36316 repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
36317 the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
36318 which can be offered to a personality.
36319 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
36321 Nothing recedes like success.
36324 Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
36325 which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
36328 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
36331 Nothing succeeds like success.
36334 Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
36335 -- Christopher Lascl
36337 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
36340 Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
36341 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
36342 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
36343 And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
36344 Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
36345 She got from trying to fight
36346 Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
36348 Well nothing that's real is ever for free
36349 And you just have to pay for it sometime.
36350 She said it before, she said it to me,
36351 I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
36352 But the same old four imaginary walls
36353 She'd built for livin' inside
36354 I said oh, you just can't mean it.
36356 Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
36357 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
36358 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
36359 And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
36360 But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
36361 The veil that covered her eyes,
36362 I said oh, you can leave it.
36363 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
36365 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
36368 Nothing will ever be attempted
36369 if all possible objections must be first overcome.
36373 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
36374 be summarily put out.
36378 -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
36380 (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
36382 Nouvelle cuisine, n.:
36383 French for "not enough food".
36385 Continental breakfast, n.:
36386 English for "not enough food".
36389 Spanish for "not enough food".
36392 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
36395 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
36396 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36398 Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
36400 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
36401 not better, just different.
36403 Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
36405 Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
36406 Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
36407 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
36409 Now I lay me back to sleep.
36410 The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
36411 If he should stop before I wake,
36412 Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
36415 Now I lay me down to sleep
36416 I pray the double lock will keep;
36417 May no brick through the window break,
36418 And, no one rob me till I awake.
36420 Now I lay me down to sleep,
36421 I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
36422 If I should die before I wake,
36423 I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
36425 Now I lay me down to study,
36426 I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
36427 And if I fail to learn this junk,
36428 I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
36429 But if I do, don't pity me at all,
36430 Just lay my bones in the study hall.
36431 Tell my teacher I've done my best,
36432 Then pile my books upon my chest.
36434 Now is the time for all good men to come to.
36437 Now is the time for drinking;
36438 now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
36439 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36441 Now it's time to say goodbye
36442 To all our company...
36443 M-I-C (see you next week!)
36444 K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
36447 Now of my threescore years and ten,
36448 Twenty will not come again,
36449 And take from seventy springs a score,
36450 It leaves me only fifty more.
36452 And since to look at things in bloom
36453 Fifty springs are little room,
36454 About the woodlands I will go
36455 To see the cherry hung with snow.
36458 Now that day wearies me,
36460 Will receive more kindly,
36461 Like a tired child, the starry night.
36463 Hands, leave off your deeds,
36464 Mind, forget all thoughts;
36466 Yearn only to sink into sleep.
36468 And my soul, unguarded,
36469 Would soar on widespread wings,
36470 To live in night's magical sphere
36471 More profoundly, more variously.
36472 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
36474 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
36475 time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
36476 to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
36477 eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
36478 the following questions:
36480 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
36481 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
36482 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
36483 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
36484 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
36485 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
36486 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
36488 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
36490 Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
36491 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
36492 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ...
36493 -- "The Begatting of a President"
36495 Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
36496 or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
36497 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ
36499 Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
36500 you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
36503 Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
36505 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
36508 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
36509 the next freeway exit.
36511 Now's the time to have some big ideas
36512 Now's the time to make some firm decisions
36513 We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
36514 Talking politics and nuclear fission
36515 We see him and he's all washed up --
36516 Moving on into the body of a beetle
36517 Getting ready for a long long crawl
36518 He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
36520 Death and Money make their point once more
36521 In the shape of Philosophical assassins
36522 Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
36523 Deadly angels for reality and passion
36524 Have the courage of the here and now
36525 Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
36526 When you think you got it paid in full
36527 You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
36528 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
36529 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
36530 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
36531 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
36532 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha"
36534 Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
36535 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
36536 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
36537 Times, June 10, 1955.
36539 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
36542 Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.
36545 Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
36546 normal routines, for children and adults alike.
36547 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
36549 Nuclear war would really set back cable.
36552 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
36554 Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
36556 Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
36558 (null cookie; hope that's ok)
36560 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
36563 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
36565 Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
36566 Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
36567 Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
36568 Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
36571 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
36572 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
36573 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
36574 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
36576 O! If I were a fish
36577 I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
36578 Yes, that's my one and only wish --
36581 For fish don't ever mish;
36582 They needn't flush after they pish!
36583 Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
36584 For all the fish!!!
36587 Where the buffalo roam,
36588 Where the deer and the antelope play,
36589 Where seldom is heard
36590 A discouraging word,
36591 'Cause what can an antelope say?
36593 O imitators, you slavish herd!
36594 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36597 To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
36598 To use it like a giant.
36599 -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
36601 O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
36602 for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
36604 O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
36605 To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
36606 Might we not smash it to bits
36607 And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
36608 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald
36612 Objects are lost only because people
36613 look where they are not rather than where they are.
36616 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
36618 O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
36619 thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
36620 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
36622 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
36625 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
36628 Observe yon plumed biped fine.
36629 To activate its captivation,
36630 Deposit on its termination,
36631 A quantity of particles saline.
36633 Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
36635 Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred.
36636 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
36637 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
36638 of the grandstands.
36640 Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
36643 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
36644 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
36647 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
36648 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
36649 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
36650 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
36651 are the principal industries of the Orient.
36652 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36655 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
36656 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
36658 Odets, where is thy sting?
36659 -- George S. Kaufman
36661 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
36663 Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
36664 to know so much and have control over nothing.
36667 Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
36668 reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
36670 -- Thomas L. Martin
36672 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
36675 Of all the words of witch's doom
36676 There's none so bad as which and whom.
36677 The man who kills both which and whom
36678 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
36681 Of all things man is the measure.
36684 Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
36687 Of course it's possible to love a human being
36688 if you don't know them too well.
36689 -- Charles Bukowski
36691 Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
36692 tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
36695 Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
36696 After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
36698 Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
36700 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.
36701 And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
36703 Office Automation, n.:
36704 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
36705 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
36707 Official Project Stages:
36708 1. Uncritical Acceptance
36710 3. Dejected Disillusionment
36712 5. Search for the Guilty
36713 6. Punishment of the Innocent
36714 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
36716 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
36717 lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
36719 Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
36722 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
36724 Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
36726 Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
36729 Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
36731 Oh don't the days seem lank and long
36732 When all goes right and none goes wrong,
36733 And isn't your life extremely flat
36734 With nothing whatever to grumble at!
36736 Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
36737 They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
36738 "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
36739 Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
36741 Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
36742 I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
36743 "Now listen my son, although you're confused,
36744 Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
36746 Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
36747 What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
36748 "Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
36749 Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
36751 Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
36752 Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
36753 "Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
36754 Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
36756 Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
36757 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
36758 Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
36759 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
36760 Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
36762 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
36764 Oh, give me a home,
36765 Where the buffalo roam,
36766 And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
36768 Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
36769 Where the three-body problem is solved,
36770 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
36771 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
36772 We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high,
36773 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
36774 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
36775 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
36776 If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
36777 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
36778 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
36779 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
36780 I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
36781 And living up here is a bore.
36782 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
36783 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
36785 CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
36786 Where the space debris always collects,
36787 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
36788 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
36789 -- to Home on the Range
36791 Oh give me your pity!
36792 I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
36793 Which means that from morning And contend and defend
36794 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
36796 We confer and concur,
36797 We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
36798 And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
36799 And consider a load of reports.
36801 We compose and propose,
36802 We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
36803 And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
36804 There's terribly little gets done.
36806 We resolve and absolve;
36807 But we never dissolve,
36808 Since it's out of the question for us
36809 To bring our committee
36810 To end like this ditty,
36811 Which stops with a period, thus.
36812 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
36814 "Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
36815 dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
36816 and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
36817 you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
36818 ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
36819 wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
36820 last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
36821 buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
36822 He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
36823 and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
36824 their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
36825 another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
36826 said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
36827 know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
36828 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
36830 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
36831 I muck with indices and structs all day
36832 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
36833 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
36835 Oh, I could while away the hours,
36836 Smoking herbs and flowers,
36837 Shooting up my veins,
36838 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
36839 Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
36840 I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
36841 If I dealt in good cocaine.
36842 -- To "If I Only Had A Brain" from "The Wizard of Oz"
36844 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
36845 be irresponsible, too.
36848 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
36849 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
36850 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
36851 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
36852 You have not dreamed of --
36853 Wheeled and soared and swung
36854 High in the sunlit silence.
36856 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
36857 My eager craft through footless halls of air.
36858 Up, up along delirious, burning blue
36859 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
36860 Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
36861 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
36862 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
36863 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
36864 -- John Gillespie Magee, Jr., "High Flight"
36866 Oh I'm just a typical American boy
36867 From a typical American town.
36868 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
36869 And keeping old Castro down.
36870 And when it came my time to serve
36871 I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
36872 But when I got to my old draft board,
36873 Buddy, this is what I said:
36876 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
36877 And I always carry a purse!
36878 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
36879 And my asthma's getting worse!
36880 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
36881 And my poor old invalid aunt!
36882 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
36883 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
36884 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
36886 Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
36887 My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
36888 Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
36889 To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
36891 Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
36892 arch-enemy -- and that is life.
36893 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
36895 Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
36896 it's what you do with what you have left.
36897 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
36899 Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard.
36900 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
36902 Oh, so there you are!
36904 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
36905 He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
36906 No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
36907 He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
36908 -- The Smothers Brothers
36910 Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
36911 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
36913 Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
36914 To see oursel's as others see us!
36915 It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
36916 And foolish notion.
36917 -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796
36919 Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
36920 Born under one law, to another bound.
36921 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
36923 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
36925 Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
36926 -- William Shakespeare
36928 Oh, when I was in love with you,
36929 Then I was clean and brave,
36930 And miles around the wonder grew
36931 How well did I behave.
36933 And now the fancy passes by,
36934 And nothing will remain,
36935 And miles around they'll say that I
36936 Am quite myself again.
36939 Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
36941 Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me "Johnson"! Well, you can call me "Ray", or
36942 you can call me "Jay", or you can call me "R. J.", or you can call me "Ray
36943 J.", or you can call me "R. J. J.", or you can call me "Ray J. Johnson", or
36944 you can call me "R. J. Johnson", but ya DOESN'T have to call me "Johnson" ...
36946 Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
36947 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
36951 Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't
36952 have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail
36953 just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait
36954 until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll
36955 save precious time and electrons.
36958 OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
36961 OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
36963 Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
36964 just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
36965 executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
36966 the code over again, since I also removed the source.
36968 Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
36970 Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
36973 Old age is the harbor of all ills.
36976 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
36979 Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
36981 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
36983 Old Japanese proverb:
36984 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
36985 and those who climb it twice.
36987 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
36989 Old mail has arrived.
36991 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for being
36992 no longer in a position to give bad examples.
36993 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
36995 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
36996 To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
36997 When she got there, the cupboard was bare
36998 And so was her daughter, I guess...
37000 Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
37002 Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
37004 Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
37006 Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
37008 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
37011 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
37014 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
37016 Omnibiblious, adj.:
37017 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
37020 OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of
37021 JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
37022 as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
37023 WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
37025 On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
37027 On a clear disk you can seek forever.
37030 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
37032 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
37035 On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
37036 a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
37038 [One is always a little afraid of love, but
37039 above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
37042 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
37043 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
37044 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
37046 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
37047 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
37051 On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
37052 car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
37053 the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
37054 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
37055 you come any closer."
37056 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
37058 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
37060 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
37061 pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
37062 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
37065 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
37067 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
37069 On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
37070 same moment -- halftime.
37072 On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
37074 On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
37075 girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
37076 Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
37077 and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
37079 On the subject of C program indentation:
37081 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
37082 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
37083 -- Blair P. Houghton
37085 On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
37086 -- W. C. Fields' epitaph
37088 On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
37089 Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
37090 come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
37091 ideas that could provoke such a question.
37094 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
37095 forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
37096 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
37098 Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
37099 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37103 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37105 Once again dread deed is done.
37107 his all-knowing eye shaded
37108 to human chance and circumstance.
37109 Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
37110 but Canon's sleep is troubled.
37112 Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
37113 Impatient hands wait eagerly
37115 scant moments of time
37116 wrested from life in the full
37117 glory of Canon's power;
37118 held captive by his unblinking eye.
37120 Three golden orbs stand watch;
37121 one each to toll the day, hour, minute
37122 until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
37123 When that feared moment arrives,
37124 "Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
37125 It tolls for thee."
37126 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
37127 Valley Pawn Shop today"
37129 Once Again From the Top
37131 Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
37132 reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
37133 in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
37134 lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
37135 homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
37136 he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
37137 George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
37138 inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
37139 lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
37140 vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
37141 The Herald regrets the errors."
37142 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
37144 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
37145 each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
37148 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
37149 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah"
37150 and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
37151 passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
37152 Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
37153 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
37155 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
37156 Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
37157 Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
37158 principals or your mistress".
37160 Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
37163 Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
37164 roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
37165 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
37166 the railroad yards."
37167 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
37168 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
37169 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
37171 Once I finally figured out all of life's
37172 answers, they changed the questions.
37174 Once, I read that a man be never stronger
37175 than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
37176 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
37178 Once is happenstance,
37179 Twice is coincidence,
37180 Three times is enemy action.
37181 -- Auric Goldfinger
37183 Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
37184 sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
37186 Once Law was sitting on the bench
37187 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
37188 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
37189 Nor come before me creeping.
37190 Upon your knees if you appear,
37191 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
37193 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
37194 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
37195 "Amica curiae," she replied --
37196 "Friend of the court, so please you."
37197 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
37198 I never saw your face before!"
37199 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37201 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
37202 beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
37203 side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
37204 which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
37207 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
37210 Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
37211 And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
37212 And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
37213 He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
37214 And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
37215 He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
37216 And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
37217 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
37218 And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
37219 And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
37220 The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
37221 But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
37222 Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
37223 And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
37224 But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
37225 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
37226 When the day is done and the moon comes out,
37227 And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
37228 When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
37229 And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
37230 You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
37231 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
37233 Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
37234 a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
37235 parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
37236 to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
37237 end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
37238 page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
37239 inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
37240 was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
37241 the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
37243 Once upon a time there...
37245 Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
37246 were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
37247 to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
37248 the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
37249 just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
37250 of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
37251 sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
37252 possession. And the moral of the story is:
37254 The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
37257 Once upon this midnight incoherent,
37258 While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
37259 Over many a broken and subordinate
37260 Volume of gnarly lore,
37261 While I pestered, nearly singing,
37262 Suddenly there came a hewing,
37263 As of someone profusely skulking,
37264 Skulking at my chamber door.
37266 Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
37268 Once you've tried to change the world you find
37269 it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
37271 One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
37272 somebody's listening.
37273 -- Franklin P. Jones
37275 "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
37277 "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
37279 Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
37280 The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
37281 -- Chuq Von Rospach
37283 One Bell System - it sometimes works.
37285 One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
37287 One Bell System - it works.
37289 One big pile is better than two little piles.
37292 One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
37295 One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
37296 mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
37299 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
37300 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
37301 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
37303 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
37305 One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
37306 to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
37307 a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
37309 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
37311 One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
37312 attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
37314 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
37315 releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
37316 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
37317 resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
37318 border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
37319 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
37320 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
37321 Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
37322 and march back home."
37323 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
37324 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
37325 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
37326 to Poland three times and never invade?"
37327 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
37329 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
37330 truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
37331 "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
37332 which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
37333 guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
37334 is death by hanging."
37335 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
37336 "I don't believe you."
37337 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
37338 "But that would make it the truth!"
37339 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
37341 One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
37342 decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
37343 mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
37344 way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
37345 make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
37346 this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
37347 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
37348 success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
37349 actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
37350 there a number of details to be figured out.
37351 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
37352 looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
37353 some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
37355 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
37356 pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
37357 eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
37358 the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
37359 behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
37360 IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
37361 And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
37362 harmonic motion..."
37366 With nothing to say,
37367 Wrote a mad meta-poem
37368 That started: "One day,
37370 With nothing to say,
37371 Wrote a mad meta-poem
37372 That started: "One day,
37375 Were the words that the poet,
37377 To bring his mad poem,
37378 To some sort of close".
37379 Were the words that the poet,
37381 To bring his mad poem,
37382 To some sort of close".
37384 One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
37387 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
37390 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
37391 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
37392 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
37393 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
37394 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
37395 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
37396 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
37397 been havin' all these years."
37398 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
37399 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
37400 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
37401 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
37402 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
37403 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
37404 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
37405 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
37406 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
37408 One expresses well the love he does not feel.
37411 One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
37413 One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
37416 One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
37417 Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
37419 -- Henry Brook Adams
37421 One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
37422 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
37424 One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
37425 never have to stop and answer the phone.
37427 One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
37429 One good thing about music,
37430 Well, it helps you feel no pain.
37431 So hit me with music;
37432 Hit me with music now.
37433 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
37435 One good turn asketh another.
37438 One good turn deserves another.
37441 One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
37443 One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
37444 and end up with the atomic bomb.
37447 One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
37450 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
37451 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
37453 One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
37456 One learns to itch where one can scratch.
37459 ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
37460 ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
37462 One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
37464 One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
37465 one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
37466 produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
37467 represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
37471 One man's constant is another man's variable.
37474 One man's folly is another man's wife.
37477 One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
37478 "Supernatural" is a null word.
37480 One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
37483 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
37485 One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
37486 can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
37489 One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
37491 One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
37492 will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
37495 One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
37499 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
37501 One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
37503 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
37504 one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
37505 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
37506 simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
37507 nobody can touch him.
37508 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
37510 One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
37511 advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
37515 One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
37516 enough to give you presents they make at school.
37519 One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
37520 unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
37521 -- Joyce Carol Oates
37523 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
37524 do and always a clever thing to say.
37527 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
37528 Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
37529 to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
37530 be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
37531 to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
37532 understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
37533 renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
37534 time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
37535 puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
37536 genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
37537 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
37539 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
37540 foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
37543 One of the most striking differences between a
37544 cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
37547 One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
37548 create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bsomebody has to buy
37550 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
37552 One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
37554 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
37556 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
37557 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
37558 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
37559 fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
37560 disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
37562 One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
37563 once had a publisher shot.
37564 -- Siegfried Unseld
37566 One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
37568 One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
37569 thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
37570 the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
37571 hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
37572 laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
37573 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
37574 happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
37575 And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
37576 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
37578 One organism, one vote.
37580 One person's error is another person's data.
37582 One picture is worth 128K words.
37584 One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
37587 One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
37588 And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
37589 And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
37590 Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
37591 Go ask Alice Call Alice
37592 When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
37594 When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
37595 Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
37596 And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
37598 And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
37599 Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
37600 I think she'll know. Feed your head.
37603 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
37605 One planet is all you get.
37607 One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
37608 is that there never was a plan in the first place.
37610 One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
37611 manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
37612 they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
37613 say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
37614 study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
37615 sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
37616 strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
37617 rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
37618 be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
37619 Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
37620 Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
37621 millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
37622 support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
37623 your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
37624 of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
37625 already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
37626 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
37628 One reason why George Washington
37629 Is held in such veneration:
37630 He never blamed his problems
37631 On the former Administration.
37632 -- George O. Ludcke
37634 One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
37635 should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
37636 to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
37637 virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
37638 and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
37639 many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
37640 people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
37641 is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
37644 One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
37646 One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
37650 Doesn't fit anyone.
37652 One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
37654 One thing about the past.
37655 It's likely to last.
37658 ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
37659 my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
37660 warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
37661 cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
37663 I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
37665 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
37667 One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
37670 One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
37671 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of
37675 One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
37677 One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the
37678 speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't
37679 going to be out that long."
37682 One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
37683 One toke over the line,
37684 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37685 One toke over the line.
37686 Waitin' for the train that goes home,
37687 Hopin' that the train is on time,
37688 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37689 One toke over the line.
37691 One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
37694 One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
37696 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
37697 the stake while the votes were being counted.
37700 One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
37704 One-Shot Case Study, n.:
37705 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
37706 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
37709 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
37712 Only a fool has no doubts.
37714 Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
37715 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
37717 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
37719 Only fools are quoted.
37722 Only God can make random selections.
37724 Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
37727 Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
37728 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
37730 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
37731 essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
37734 [Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
37735 hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
37737 Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
37738 to use the editorial "we".
37740 Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
37741 smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
37743 Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
37746 Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
37747 placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
37748 and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
37749 food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
37750 unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
37751 and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
37752 modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
37753 that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
37754 postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
37755 the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
37756 May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
37757 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
37759 Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
37762 Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
37763 busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
37766 Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
37768 Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
37770 Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
37771 a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
37772 or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
37773 happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
37774 windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
37775 peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
37776 -- Sicilian police officer
37778 Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
37779 of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
37781 Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
37783 Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
37785 Onward through the fog.
37787 Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
37789 Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
37792 Opium is very cheap considering you don't
37793 feel like eating for the next six days.
37794 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
37796 Oppernockity tunes but once.
37798 Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
37799 work, so most people don't recognize them.
37801 Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
37802 talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
37803 crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
37804 them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
37806 Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
37807 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
37810 The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
37811 and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
37812 those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
37813 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
37814 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
37815 but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
37818 A bagpiper with a beeper.
37821 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
37823 A pessimist asked God for relief.
37824 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
37825 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
37826 would justify them."
37827 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
37828 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
37829 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37832 Someone who goes down to the marriage
37833 bureau to see if his license has expired.
37835 Optimization hinders evolution.
37837 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
37840 Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
37842 Order and simplification are the first steps toward
37843 mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
37847 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
37850 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
37853 O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
37854 Cleanliness is next to impossible
37858 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
37859 Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
37862 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
37863 to people you could not have possibly met.
37864 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
37867 Variables won't; constants aren't.
37869 Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
37872 The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
37873 Where most she satisfies.
37874 -- Antony and Cleopatra
37876 Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
37878 Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
37880 O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
37881 Murphy was an optimist.
37883 Ouch! That felt good!
37886 "Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
37887 system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
37889 "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
37890 any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
37891 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
37893 Our business in life is not to succeed
37894 but to continue to fail in high spirits.
37895 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
37897 Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
37898 local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash
37899 award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
37900 His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
37901 by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
37902 home-made, hand-held model.
37904 Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
37905 to the Pentagon free of charge:
37907 a. Don't kill anybody.
37908 b. Don't build things that do.
37909 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
37911 We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
37914 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
37915 they charge fifteen cents for them.
37917 Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
37918 office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
37919 were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
37920 juice. But only *_
\b_
\bhe* had a lollipop.
37922 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
37926 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
37927 means to be a programmer."
37929 Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
37930 a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
37931 national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
37932 gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
37933 exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
37934 never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real.
37935 -- General Douglas MacArthur (1957)
37937 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
37939 Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
37940 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
37942 Our little systems have their day;
37943 They have their day and cease to be;
37944 They are but broken lights of thee.
37947 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
37948 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
37949 In kernel as it is in user.
37951 Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
37952 to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
37953 rain, we were punished.
37954 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
37956 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
37957 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
37959 Our problems are so serious that the best
37960 way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
37962 Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
37963 We their sons are more worthless than they:
37964 so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
37965 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37967 Our swords shall play the orators for us.
37968 -- Christopher Marlowe
37970 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
37971 In all of the directions it can whiz;
37972 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
37973 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
37974 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
37975 How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
37976 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
37977 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
37980 Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.
37983 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
37984 -- General Omar N. Bradley
37986 Ours is a world where people don't know what they
37987 want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
37989 Out of sight is out of mind.
37992 Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
37995 Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
37997 Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
37998 it's too dark to read.
38001 Over the shoulder supervision is more a
38002 need of the manager than the programming task.
38004 Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
38005 I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
38007 Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
38008 complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
38009 rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
38010 errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
38011 design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
38012 result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
38013 problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
38015 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual
38016 Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2
38017 Concepts and Philosophies,"
38018 IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
38020 Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
38021 continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
38022 powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
38023 victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
38025 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
38027 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
38029 Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket.
38032 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
38034 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
38036 Owe no man any thing...
38039 Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
38040 concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
38041 oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
38042 much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
38043 concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
38044 takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
38045 for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
38046 oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
38047 process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
38050 However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
38051 fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
38052 sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
38053 considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
38054 symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
38056 Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
38057 the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
38058 due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
38061 Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
38062 tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
38064 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
38067 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
38068 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
38069 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
38070 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
38072 paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
38073 vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
38074 patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
38075 Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
38076 shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
38077 sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
38078 tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
38080 troopa, n: A state policeman.
38081 Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
38082 yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
38083 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
38086 Falling out of a twenty story building,
38087 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
38090 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
38093 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
38095 Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
38098 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
38099 exposing them to the critic.
38100 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38103 Never open a box you didn't close.
38105 panic: can't find /
38107 panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
38109 panic: kernel trap (ignored)
38113 2 dashes == 1 smidgen
38114 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
38115 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
38116 2 soupcons == too much paprika
38118 Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
38122 Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
38124 Paralysis through analysis.
38127 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
38129 Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
38131 Paranoia is heightened awareness.
38133 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
38135 Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
38136 Now ... just try to find out where!
38138 Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
38140 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
38141 criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
38144 Pardon me while I laugh.
38146 Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
38148 Pardo's First Postulate:
38149 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
38153 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
38155 Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
38156 didn't have much of anything to do with it.
38159 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
38161 Parkinson's Fifth Law:
38162 If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good
38163 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
38165 Parkinson's Fourth Law:
38166 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
38167 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
38169 Parsley is gharsley.
38172 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
38175 A gathering where you meet people who drink
38176 so much you can't even remember their names.
38178 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
38179 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
38181 Pascal is not a high-level language.
38184 Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
38185 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
38188 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
38189 in his grave if he knew about it.
38190 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
38193 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
38194 Please modify your programs accordingly.
38197 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
38198 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
38200 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
38205 Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
38207 Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
38208 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
38209 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
38210 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
38212 Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
38213 P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
38215 A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
38216 P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
38219 P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
38221 A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
38222 P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
38223 A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
38224 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
38225 P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
38226 A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
38227 par for the course, Charlie.
38228 -- The Firesign Theatre
38231 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
38232 under brain transplants.
38234 Patch griefs with proverbs.
38235 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
38238 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
38240 "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
38242 "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
38245 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
38246 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
38248 Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
38249 -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
38251 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
38252 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
38254 Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
38255 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
38257 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
38258 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
38259 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
38262 When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
38263 he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
38264 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
38266 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
38269 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
38272 Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
38275 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
38278 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
38282 You can't fall off the floor.
38284 Pause for storage relocation.
38286 Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
38287 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
38290 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
38291 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
38292 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
38293 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
38303 up your ides under brown-
38310 Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
38312 Peace cannot be kept by force; it
38313 can only be achieved by understanding.
38316 Peace is much more precious than a piece
38317 of land... let there be no more wars.
38318 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981)
38321 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
38322 periods of fighting.
38323 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38327 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
38328 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
38329 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
38331 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
38333 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
38334 sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a
38335 Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a
38338 Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
38339 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it.
38342 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
38343 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
38344 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38347 A car with only one working headlight.
38348 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
38350 Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
38351 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
38352 baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
38353 diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
38354 at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
38355 Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
38356 motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
38357 base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
38359 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
38360 hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
38361 Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
38363 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
38369 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
38372 "I will never understand people."
38373 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
38374 at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
38375 worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
38376 if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
38377 weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
38378 people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
38379 -- no offense intended."
38380 -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
38382 Penguin Trivia #46:
38383 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
38384 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
38389 A federally insured chain letter.
38391 People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
38392 attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
38393 suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
38394 case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
38395 only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
38396 tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
38397 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
38399 People are beginning to notice you.
38400 Try dressing before you leave the house.
38402 People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
38404 People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
38406 People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
38407 times, four time, five times...
38409 People in general do not willingly read
38410 if they have anything else to amuse them.
38413 People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
38414 -- The Best of Will Rogers
38416 People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
38417 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
38419 People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
38421 -- Otto von Bismarck
38423 People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
38424 rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
38425 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
38427 People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
38430 People respond to people who respond.
38432 People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
38436 People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
38437 have been left out on the pleasure.
38440 People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
38441 absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
38442 public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
38443 the concentration camps.
38445 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
38447 People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
38448 to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
38451 People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
38454 People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
38456 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
38457 press than people who are just funny and smart.
38458 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
38460 People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
38461 slept in a room with a single mosquito.
38463 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
38464 -- Abigail Van Buren
38466 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
38468 People who have no faults are terrible;
38469 there is no way of taking advantage of them.
38471 People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
38472 haven't what they want that they don't want it.
38475 People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
38477 People who push both buttons should get their wish.
38479 People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
38481 People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
38484 People who think they know everything
38485 greatly annoy those of us who do.
38487 People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
38488 Benjamin Franklin said it first.
38490 People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
38492 People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
38495 People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
38497 People's Action Rules:
38498 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
38499 (2) Some people who should, won't.
38500 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
38501 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
38502 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
38504 Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
38507 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
38508 [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
38510 [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
38513 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
38516 One who makes his host feel at home.
38518 Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
38519 when there is no longer anything to take away.
38520 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
38523 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
38524 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
38525 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
38527 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
38528 I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
38531 Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
38532 poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
38535 Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
38537 Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
38538 behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
38539 order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
38540 fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
38542 Perhaps the world's second-worst crime is boredom. The first is
38546 Perilous to all of us are the devices of
38547 an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
38548 -- Gandalf the Grey
38550 Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
38551 upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
38552 nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
38553 news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
38554 the `Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
38555 prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
38556 periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
38557 negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
38558 periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
38559 on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
38560 case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
38561 nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
38562 proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
38563 civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
38564 by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
38565 indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
38566 instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
38568 -- Fowler's English Usage
38570 Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
38571 a merit in political leaders.
38572 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
38574 Personifiers of the world, unite!
38575 You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38576 -- Bernadette Bosky
38578 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38580 Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
38581 persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
38582 to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
38583 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
38586 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
38587 wolf from the door.
38590 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
38594 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
38596 Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
38597 Waiter: Who told you?
38598 Pete: A little swallow.
38600 Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe:
38601 Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the
38602 liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out
38603 into suitable containers and cook until done.
38605 Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
38606 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
38607 emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
38608 identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
38609 Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
38611 Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
38613 Peter's Law of Substitution:
38614 Look after the molehills, and the
38615 mountains will look after themselves.
38617 Peter's Principle of Success:
38618 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
38621 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
38624 Peterson's Admonition:
38625 When you think you're going down for the third time --
38626 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
38629 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
38630 are filled with something sticky.
38631 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
38632 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
38633 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
38636 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
38637 the window of a vending machine too long.
38638 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38640 Phasers locked on target, Captain.
38642 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
38643 exciting Camden, New Jersey.
38645 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
38648 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
38651 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
38653 Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
38656 Phone call for chucky-pooh.
38659 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow,
38660 that will bring it back to life).
38661 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
38663 Photographing a volcano is just about
38664 the most miserable thing you can do.
38665 -- Robert B. Goodman
38666 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
38668 Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
38669 farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
38670 chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
38671 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
38673 Pick another fortune cookie.
38675 Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
38676 I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
38677 Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
38678 She left me not knowing what to do.
38680 Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
38681 Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
38682 The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
38683 Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
38685 Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
38686 I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
38687 Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
38688 With knowing I got noone left to blame.
38689 Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
38691 Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
38692 I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
38693 I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
38694 From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
38695 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
38698 If Congress must do a painful thing,
38699 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
38701 Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
38702 hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
38703 sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ...
38705 Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
38706 Not one damn thing do we solve.
38709 Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
38715 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
38716 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however,
38717 is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
38718 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38720 Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
38721 ruthless in punishing little thieves.
38724 Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
38725 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
38727 Piping down the valleys wild,
38728 Piping songs of pleasant glee,
38729 On a cloud I saw a child,
38730 And he laughing said to me:
38731 "Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
38732 So I piped with merry cheer.
38733 "Piper, pipe that song again;"
38734 So I piped: he wept to hear.
38735 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
38737 Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped
38738 the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
38739 outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
38740 -- Love and Rockets
38742 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
38743 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
38744 followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your
38745 associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack
38746 confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible
38747 things to small animals.
38749 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
38750 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
38751 American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as
38752 nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will
38753 probably get run over by a bus.
38755 PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
38756 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
38757 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
38758 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
38761 Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
38765 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
38766 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
38767 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
38768 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
38773 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
38775 Plagiarize, plagiarize,
38776 Let no man's work evade your eyes,
38777 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
38778 Don't shade your eyes,
38779 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
38780 Only be sure to call it research.
38783 Planet Claire has pink hair.
38784 All the trees are red.
38785 No one ever dies there.
38786 No one has a head....
38788 Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
38789 Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
38790 -- Green Lantern Comics
38792 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
38793 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
38794 couldn't compete successfully with poets.
38795 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
38798 PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
38799 What develops when two people get
38800 tired of making love to each other.
38802 Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
38805 Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
38807 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
38809 Please don't put a strain on our friendship
38810 by asking me to do something for you.
38812 Please don't recommend me to your friends--
38813 it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
38815 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
38817 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
38818 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
38820 Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
38821 I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
38825 Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
38827 Please ignore previous fortune.
38829 Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
38831 Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
38833 Please remain calm, it's no use both of
38834 us being hysterical at the same time.
38836 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38838 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
38839 For we are young and free.
38840 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
38841 Our home is girt by sea.
38842 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
38843 Of beauty rich and rare.
38844 In history's page, let every stage
38845 Advance Australia Fair.
38846 In joyful strains then let us sing,
38847 Advance Australia Fair.
38849 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38851 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38853 God save our Gracious Queen!
38854 Long live our Noble Queen!
38855 God save the Queen!
38856 Send her victorious,
38857 Happy and glorious,
38858 Long to reign o'er us!
38859 God save the Queen!
38861 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38863 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38866 Our home and native land
38868 In all thy sons' command
38869 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
38870 The true north strong and free
38871 From far and wide, O Canada
38872 We stand on guard for thee
38873 God keep our land glorious and free
38874 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
38875 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
38877 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38879 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38881 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
38882 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
38883 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
38884 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
38885 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
38886 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
38887 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
38888 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
38890 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38894 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
38895 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched
38896 out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
38900 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
38902 PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
38904 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
38906 Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
38907 of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
38908 an uncontainable experience.
38914 (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
38916 Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
38917 If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
38918 Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
38919 Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
38921 Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
38924 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
38926 Poisoned coffee, n.:
38927 Grounds for divorce.
38929 Poland has gun control.
38931 Police: Good evening, are you the host?
38933 Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
38934 Host: About the drugs?
38936 Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
38937 Police: No, the noise.
38938 Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
38939 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
38940 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
38942 Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
38943 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
38944 ask the host to quiet things down?
38945 Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive
38946 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
38947 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
38948 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
38949 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
38952 Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
38956 Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
38957 here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
38958 -- Alfred E. Neuman
38960 Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
38961 all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
38964 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
38965 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
38966 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared
38967 with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
38968 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38971 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
38972 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence
38973 "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
38976 Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
38977 where there is no river.
38978 -- Nikita Khrushchev
38980 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
38981 -- Arthur C. Clarke
38983 Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
38984 been, and never will be wrong.
38987 Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
38988 funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
38991 Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
38992 without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
38996 Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
38997 dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
38998 -- Winston Churchill
39000 Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
39001 systematic organisation of hatreds.
39002 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
39004 Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough
39005 to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
39007 Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
39008 between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
39009 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
39011 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
39012 realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
39015 Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
39016 week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
39017 explain why it didn't happen.
39018 -- Winston Churchill
39020 Politics, like religion, hold up the
39021 torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
39022 -- Thomas Jefferson
39024 Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
39028 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
39029 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
39030 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39032 Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
39033 The hyperactive child is never absent.
39038 Polymer physicists are into chains.
39041 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
39042 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
39045 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
39046 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The
39047 white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
39048 it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
39049 name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with
39051 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
39052 Half a pound of treacle
39053 That's the way the chimney smokes
39056 The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
39057 streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
39058 functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
39059 Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
39060 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
39062 Populus vult decipi.
39063 [The people like to be deceived.]
39065 Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
39069 Survives system reboot.
39072 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
39075 Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
39076 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39078 Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
39081 Post proelium, praemium.
39082 [After the battle, the reward.]
39084 Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
39086 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
39088 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
39089 left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
39090 populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
39091 him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
39092 line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
39094 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
39095 fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
39096 unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
39097 with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
39098 with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
39099 diets that are driving them crazy.
39101 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
39102 Except with sour cream.
39104 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
39106 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
39107 McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth
39108 to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
39109 behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
39111 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
39112 rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
39113 of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
39114 general butter-melting by all.
39116 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
39117 Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
39119 Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
39122 An unfortunate state that persists as long
39123 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
39125 Poverty begins at home.
39127 Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
39131 Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
39132 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
39134 Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
39135 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
39137 Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
39139 Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
39144 Power is the finest token of affection.
39146 Power, like a desolating pestilence,
39147 Pollutes whate'er it touches...
39148 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
39151 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
39153 Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
39156 PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
39158 Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
39159 more time for dreaming.
39162 Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
39165 Practically perfect people never permit
39166 sentiment to muddle their thinking.
39169 Practice is the best of all instructors.
39172 Practice yourself what you preach.
39173 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
39176 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
39178 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
39179 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
39181 Praise the sea; on shore remain.
39184 Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
39188 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
39189 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
39190 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39192 Predestination was doomed from the start.
39194 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
39198 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
39199 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39201 Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
39204 Preserve the old, but know the new.
39206 Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
39208 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
39210 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
39211 forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
39213 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
39214 vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
39215 -- The Washington Post
39217 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
39219 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
39220 It's on the other side.
39223 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
39225 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
39227 -- Winston Churchill
39229 [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
39230 largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
39231 -- Winston Churchill
39233 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
39234 For having it off with his Mater;
39235 Revenge Dad or not?
39236 That's the gist of the plot,
39237 And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
39238 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
39240 Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
39241 taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
39243 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
39246 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
39247 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
39248 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
39249 badly than someone else.
39251 Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
39254 Prizes are for children.
39256 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
39258 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
39260 Probable-Possible, my black hen,
39261 She lays eggs in the Relative When.
39262 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
39263 Because she's unable to postulate how.
39264 -- Frederick Winsor
39266 Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
39267 orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
39268 is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
39269 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
39273 A man who never buys.
39275 Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
39276 And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
39277 for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
39278 I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
39279 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
39281 Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
39282 encryption standard and they came up with ...
39285 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
39287 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
39288 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
39289 Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
39290 has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
39293 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
39294 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
39295 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
39296 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
39299 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
39300 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
39301 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
39303 Programmers do it bit by bit.
39305 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
39306 without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
39307 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
39309 Programming Department:
39310 Mistakes made while you wait.
39312 Programming is an unnatural act.
39314 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
39315 build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
39316 to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
39320 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
39321 invading the body and taking possession of it.
39323 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
39324 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
39326 Progress is impossible without change, and those who
39327 cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
39328 -- George Bernard Shaw
39330 Progress means replacing a theory that
39331 is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
39333 Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
39336 Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
39339 Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
39341 Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
39343 PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
39344 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
39345 level where they can't foul up operations.
39347 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
39349 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
39351 This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
39352 techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
39354 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
39356 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
39357 for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
39358 as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
39359 trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
39360 take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
39361 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
39363 Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
39364 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
39365 (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
39366 (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
39367 (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
39369 (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
39370 (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
39372 Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
39374 Gesticulation (handwaving)
39376 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
39378 Changing all the 2's to _
\bn's
39380 Lack of a counterexample, and
39381 "It stands to reason"
39383 Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
39384 but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
39387 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39389 BBW Branch Both Ways
39390 BEW Branch Either Way
39391 BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
39393 BMR Branch Multiple Registers
39395 BPO Branch on Power Off
39396 BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
39397 CDS Condense and Destroy System
39398 CLBR Clobber Register
39399 CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
39400 CM Circulate Memory
39401 CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
39402 CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
39403 CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
39405 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39407 DC Divide and Conquer
39408 DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
39409 DO Divide and Overflow
39410 EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
39411 EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
39412 EROS Erase Read Only Storage
39413 EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
39414 HCF Halt and Catch Fire
39415 IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
39416 INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
39417 PBC Print and Break Chain
39420 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39423 POPI Punch Operator Immediately
39424 PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
39425 RASC Read And Shred Card
39426 RPM Read Programmers Mind
39427 RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)
39428 RTAB Rewind Tape and Break
39430 RWOC Read Writing On Card
39431 SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write
39432 SLC Search for Lost Chord
39433 SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
39434 SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
39435 STROM Store in Read Only Memory
39436 TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
39437 WBT Water Binary Tree
39439 Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
39442 Prototype designs always work.
39446 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
39447 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
39448 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
39449 prototype is not expected to work.
39451 Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
39452 than the both put together.
39454 Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
39455 where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
39457 Prunes give you a run for your money.
39459 Pryor's Observation:
39460 How long you live has nothing to do
39461 with how long you are going to be dead.
39463 PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
39464 daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor
39465 or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
39466 junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
39467 -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
39469 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
39470 three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
39472 Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
39474 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
39476 Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
39478 Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
39482 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
39484 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
39488 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
39491 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
39492 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
39493 Biologists think they're biochemists.
39494 Biochemists think they're chemists.
39495 Chemists think they're physical chemists.
39496 Physical chemists think they're physicists.
39497 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
39498 Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
39499 Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
39500 Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
39501 Philosophers think they're gods.
39503 Psychology. Mind over matter.
39504 Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
39507 Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
39508 anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
39511 Public use of any portable music system is a
39512 virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
39515 Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
39516 a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
39519 Anything that begins well will end badly.
39520 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
39522 Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
39524 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
39525 to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
39526 to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
39527 cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
39528 fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
39529 lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
39530 the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
39531 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
39533 Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
39538 Someone who is deathly afraid that
39539 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
39541 Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
39542 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
39545 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
39546 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
39547 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
39549 Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
39551 Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
39553 Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
39554 Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
39555 Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
39556 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
39559 Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
39560 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
39562 Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET.
39565 Put another password in,
39566 Bomb it out, then try again.
39567 Try to get past logging in,
39568 We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
39570 Try his first wife's maiden name,
39571 This is more than just a game.
39572 It's real fun, but just the same,
39573 It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
39575 Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
39577 Put no trust in cryptic comments.
39579 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
39581 Put your best foot forward.
39582 Or just call in and say you're sick.
39584 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
39586 Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
39587 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
39589 Put your trust in those who are worthy.
39592 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
39593 Those who understand what they do not manage.
39594 Those who manage what they do not understand.
39596 Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
39601 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
39604 Q: Do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been
39606 A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by
39610 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
39611 A: He got re-possessed!
39613 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
39614 A: With three more bullets.
39616 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
39618 A: You have to wait 22 months.
39620 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
39622 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
39624 Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
39625 A: When his lips move.
39627 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
39628 A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
39630 Q: But how did he get back down?
39631 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
39633 Q: How did the regular expression cross the road?
39636 Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
39637 A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
39639 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
39640 A: Unique up on it!
39642 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
39645 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
39647 Q: How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
39648 A: While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
39650 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
39651 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
39653 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
39654 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some root beer...
39656 Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
39657 A: Throw him a rock.
39659 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
39660 A: With a blue-elephant gun.
39662 Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
39663 A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
39664 a blue-elephant gun.
39666 Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
39667 A: Take away his credit cards.
39669 Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
39670 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
39671 A: He changes the domain.
39673 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
39674 A: She asks them for a commitment.
39676 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
39677 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
39679 Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
39680 A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
39681 of license fee (binary only).
39683 Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39684 A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
39685 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
39687 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39688 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
39689 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
39690 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
39692 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39693 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
39694 those Californians trying to share the experience.
39696 Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39697 A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
39699 Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
39700 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
39702 Q: How long does it take?
39703 A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
39706 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
39707 A: They replace your generator.
39709 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
39710 A: One more than you can find.
39712 Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
39713 A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
39715 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
39716 A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
39718 Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
39719 A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
39721 Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
39722 A: The door won't shut.
39724 Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
39725 A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
39727 Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39728 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
39729 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
39730 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward
39731 a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
39733 Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39734 A: None. We'll fix it in software.
39736 Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
39737 A: None. The application can work around it.
39739 Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39740 A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
39742 Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39743 A: None. The user can figure it out.
39745 Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39746 A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
39748 Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
39752 Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
39753 A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
39755 Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
39756 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
39758 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
39759 A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
39760 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
39761 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
39762 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
39763 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
39765 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39766 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
39767 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
39768 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer
39769 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
39770 assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
39772 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39773 A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
39775 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39776 A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
39777 party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
39778 agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
39779 from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
39780 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
39781 the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
39782 at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
39783 the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
39784 second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
39786 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
39787 limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
39788 elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
39789 means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
39790 of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
39791 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
39792 becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
39793 have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
39794 consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
39795 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
39796 shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
39797 occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
39798 step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
39799 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
39800 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
39801 first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
39802 produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
39804 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39805 A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
39806 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
39808 Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
39809 A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
39811 Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39814 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39815 A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
39817 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39818 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
39819 to the earlier joke.
39821 Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
39823 A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
39824 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
39825 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
39826 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
39827 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
39828 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
39829 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
39830 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
39831 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
39832 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
39833 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
39834 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
39835 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
39836 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
39837 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
39838 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
39839 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
39840 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
39842 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39843 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
39844 Californians trying to share the experience.
39846 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
39848 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
39851 Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
39852 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
39853 out from under him.
39855 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
39856 A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
39857 to really want to change.
39859 Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39860 A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to
39861 self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
39863 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
39864 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
39865 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
39867 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
39868 A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
39869 with brightly colored machine tools.
39871 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
39873 Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
39876 Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39877 A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
39880 Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
39883 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
39886 Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
39887 and putting wings on an elephant is?
39888 A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
39890 Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
39891 A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
39892 bottles into the typewriter.
39894 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
39896 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
39897 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
39898 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.
39899 No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
39900 somebody else has made the correction.
39902 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
39903 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
39904 to inform the whole net right away!
39905 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
39908 Q: What did one regular expression say to the other?
39911 Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
39912 A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
39914 Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
39916 A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
39918 Q: What did the regular expression match?
39919 A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match"
39921 Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
39922 A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
39923 they go down on you.
39925 Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
39926 A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
39928 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
39929 puzzle in only 6 months?
39930 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
39932 Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
39933 A: The very best person they can possibly be.
39935 Q: What do monsters eat?
39938 Q: What do monsters drink?
39939 A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
39941 Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
39942 A: The impossible dream.
39944 Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love?
39945 A: Rule the country.
39947 Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
39948 A: The same middle name.
39950 Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
39953 Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
39954 A: To cover up the valve stem.
39956 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
39957 A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
39959 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
39960 A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
39962 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
39965 Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
39968 Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
39969 A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
39971 Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
39974 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
39975 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
39977 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
39978 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
39980 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola,
39981 eating fruit, and singing?
39982 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
39984 Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
39985 A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
39987 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
39990 Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
39991 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
39994 Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
39995 A: A Christian Science Monitor.
39997 Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
39998 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
40001 Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
40002 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
40005 Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
40009 Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
40010 A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
40012 Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
40013 A: An offer you can't understand.
40015 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
40016 A: Hot cross bunnies!
40018 Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
40019 A: Not enough sand.
40021 Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
40024 Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
40025 A: To keep her neck warm.
40027 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
40028 A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
40030 Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
40031 A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
40032 a delicious dessert.
40034 Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
40037 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
40038 A: Exploding sheep.
40040 Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
40043 Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
40046 Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
40049 Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
40050 A: A ball point carrot.
40052 Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
40055 Q: What is purple and commutes?
40056 A: A boolean grape.
40058 Q: What is purple and commutes?
40059 A: An Abelian grape.
40061 Q: What is purple and concord the world?
40062 A: Alexander the Grape.
40064 Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
40068 Q: What is the difference between a duck?
40069 A: One leg is both the same.
40071 Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
40072 A: Yogurt has culture.
40074 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
40075 A: Her bowling shoes.
40077 Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
40078 A: I think I'm drunk.
40080 Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
40081 A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
40083 Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
40084 A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
40086 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
40089 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
40090 A: A nervous wreck.
40092 Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
40093 plays like a monkey?
40096 Q: What regular expression do you often see around Christmas?
40099 Q: What's a light-year?
40100 A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
40102 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
40103 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
40105 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
40106 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
40108 Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
40111 Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
40112 A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
40113 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
40115 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
40116 A: Artificial intelligence.
40118 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
40119 A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
40121 Q: What's the capital of Canada?
40124 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
40125 lawyer in the road?
40126 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
40128 Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
40129 A: You can't get down off an elephant.
40131 Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
40132 A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
40134 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
40137 Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
40140 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
40141 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
40143 Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
40144 A: Yogurt has a living, active culture.
40146 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
40147 A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
40149 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
40150 A: The Titanic had a band.
40152 Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
40153 A: A canary with the super-user password.
40155 Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
40158 Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
40159 A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
40161 Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
40162 A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
40164 Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
40167 Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
40168 A: Because they're worth it!
40170 Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
40171 A: Because he was hungry.
40173 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
40174 A: To see what was on the other side.
40176 Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
40179 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
40180 A: She opens the car door.
40182 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
40183 A: He was giving it last rites.
40185 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
40186 A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
40188 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
40189 A: To get to the other slide.
40191 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
40192 A: To get to the other slide.
40194 Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
40195 A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means.
40197 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
40198 A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
40200 Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
40201 A: Because that was her name.
40203 Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
40204 A: Because it was on the other side.
40206 Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
40207 A: To get to the middle.
40209 Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
40210 A: To stamp out forest fires.
40212 Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
40213 A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
40215 Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
40216 A: To stamp out forest fires.
40218 Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
40219 A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
40221 Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
40222 A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
40224 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
40225 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
40227 Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
40228 A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
40229 Oh, right, *of course*!
40231 Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
40232 A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
40233 an eye on the two intellectuals.
40235 Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
40236 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
40237 A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
40239 Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
40240 A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
40242 Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
40243 A: To keep their ankles warm.
40245 Q: How do you kill a blonde?
40246 A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
40248 Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
40249 A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
40251 Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
40252 A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
40253 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
40254 visiting, they always take three.
40256 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
40257 A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
40258 gets all the credit.
40260 Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
40261 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
40262 A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
40264 Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
40265 A: It takes too long to retrain them.
40267 Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
40268 A: All the blondes have gone home!
40270 Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
40271 A: There's white-out on the screen.
40273 Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
40275 A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
40277 Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
40278 A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
40283 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
40286 "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute
40287 an emergency on my part."
40290 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
40293 "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get."
40296 "All I want is more than my fair share."
40299 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
40300 have to stop and breathe."
40301 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
40304 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
40307 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
40310 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
40314 "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
40315 too late to punish."
40318 "Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
40322 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
40325 "Her other car is a broom."
40328 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
40332 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
40335 "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
40338 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
40341 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
40344 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
40345 other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
40348 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
40351 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
40354 "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
40355 then I thought `One of us is in real trouble.'"
40356 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
40359 "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?"
40362 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
40365 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
40368 "I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
40369 ball in their court."
40370 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
40373 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
40377 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
40378 horse with one of the horns broken off."
40381 "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
40384 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
40385 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
40388 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
40391 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
40395 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
40398 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
40401 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
40404 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
40408 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
40412 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
40413 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
40416 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
40419 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
40422 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
40425 "If it's too loud, you're too old."
40428 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
40431 "If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection."
40434 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
40437 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
40440 "I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged.'"
40443 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
40445 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
40448 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
40451 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
40454 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
40457 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
40461 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
40462 hands in his own pockets."
40465 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
40468 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
40471 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
40474 "It's been Monday all week today."
40477 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
40480 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
40481 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
40484 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
40487 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
40490 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
40491 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
40494 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
40495 strike. To make less money."
40498 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
40502 "I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one."
40505 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
40509 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
40513 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
40516 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
40519 "Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
40520 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
40521 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn."
40522 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
40525 "Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch."
40528 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
40532 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
40535 "My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips."
40538 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
40541 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
40545 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
40548 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
40551 "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there."
40554 "Our parents were never our age."
40557 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
40560 "Sacred cows make great hamburgers."
40563 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
40564 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
40567 "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
40570 "She's about as smart as bait."
40573 "Silence is the only virtue he has left."
40576 "Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives."
40579 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
40582 "Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
40583 I do what I get paid to do."
40586 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
40587 neck to get the dog to play with it."
40590 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
40593 "The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
40594 the snakes have gone away."
40597 "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
40598 gerbil has more dark meat."
40601 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
40604 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
40608 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
40611 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
40614 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
40615 think he was broken!"
40618 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
40619 when I mess things up."
40622 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
40623 "baring your neck."
40626 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
40629 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
40632 "Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
40633 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great..."
40636 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
40640 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
40646 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
40647 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
40649 Quality Control, n.:
40650 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
40651 a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
40653 Quantity is no substitute for quality,
40654 but its the only one we've got.
40656 Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
40657 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
40659 Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
40662 The sound made by a well bred duck.
40664 Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
40666 Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
40667 exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
40668 devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
40669 from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
40670 Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
40671 weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
40672 reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
40675 question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
40676 -- William Shakespeare
40678 QUESTION AUTHORITY.
40682 Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
40683 they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
40686 Ask somebody something.
40689 Man Invented Alcohol,
40690 God Invented Grass.
40693 Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
40696 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
40698 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
40700 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
40702 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
40705 Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
40708 Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
40711 Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
40712 After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
40719 Qvid me anxivs svm?
40721 QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
40722 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
40723 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one
40724 thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a
40725 painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]
40726 person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
40727 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
40730 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
40733 RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
40737 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
40739 Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
40742 rain falls where clouds come
40743 sun shines where clouds go
40744 clouds just come and go
40745 -- Florian Gutzwiller
40747 Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
40749 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
40751 Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
40753 Ralph's Observation:
40754 It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
40755 realise that you are in a hurry.
40757 RAM wasn't built in a day.
40760 as in number, predictable.
40761 as in memory access, unpredictable.
40763 Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
40765 Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
40768 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
40770 Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
40771 Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
40772 Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
40773 Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
40774 Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
40775 Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
40776 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
40777 Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
40778 Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do?
40779 Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
40780 Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
40782 0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
40783 3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
40784 6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
40785 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
40786 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
40788 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
40789 saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
40790 magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
40791 bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
40792 secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
40793 when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
40794 insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
40795 before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
40796 A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
40797 engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
40798 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
40800 Ray's Rule of Precision:
40801 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
40806 And drugs cause cramp.
40807 Guns aren't lawful;
40810 You might as well live.
40811 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
40814 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
40815 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
40816 described with pictures.
40818 Reach into the thoughts of friends,
40819 And find they do not know your name.
40820 Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
40821 And watch the feathers burst the seams.
40822 Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
40823 And feel its chill upon your blood.
40824 Hold a candle to the night,
40825 And see the darkness bend the flame.
40826 Tear the mask of peace from God,
40827 And hear the roar of souls in hell.
40828 Pluck a rose in name of love,
40829 And watch the petals curl and wilt.
40830 Lean upon the western wind,
40831 And know you are alone.
40834 Reactor error - core dumped!
40836 Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
40837 Congress. But I repeat myself.
40840 Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
40842 Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
40844 Reagan can't act either.
40846 Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
40847 value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
40848 much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
40849 this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
40851 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware
40852 has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing
40853 machines are so poor at I/O.
40855 Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
40856 so long they can't afford the disk space.
40858 Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
40859 in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
40861 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
40862 `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
40863 (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
40865 Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
40866 could they read their mail?
40868 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
40869 future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
40870 will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
40872 Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
40873 programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
40874 trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
40877 Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
40878 doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
40881 Real programmers don't document; if it was
40882 hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
40884 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
40885 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
40888 Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
40890 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
40891 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
40892 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
40893 spring up in the middle of the machine room.
40895 Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
40896 in BASIC after reaching puberty.
40898 Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
40899 freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
40902 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
40903 can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
40905 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
40907 Real programs don't eat cache.
40909 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use
40910 functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
40912 Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
40913 This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
40914 computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
40916 Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
40917 greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
40918 moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
40919 systems could be virtual at *___
\b\b\ball* levels. They would like personal
40920 computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
40921 DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
40922 Correctness Verification Aid packages.
40924 Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
40925 job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
40926 using an undocumented external procedure.
40929 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
40932 Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
40933 afraid to break your face.
40935 Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
40936 down the system for days.
40938 Real Users hate Real Programmers.
40940 Real Users know your home telephone number.
40942 Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
40943 program doesn't deliver it.
40945 Real Users never use the Help key.
40947 Real wealth can only increase.
40948 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
40950 Real World, The n.:
40951 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
40952 be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
40953 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
40954 to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
40955 tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.
40956 4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
40957 "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
40958 pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
40959 of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
40962 Reality -- what a concept!
40965 Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
40967 Reality does not exist - yet.
40969 Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
40971 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
40973 Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
40976 Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
40979 Reality is for people who lack imagination.
40981 Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
40983 Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
40986 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
40988 Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
40991 Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
40994 Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
40998 Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
41001 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
41003 Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
41004 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
41006 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
41007 being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
41008 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
41010 Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
41012 Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
41013 is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
41016 Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
41017 his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
41018 "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
41019 microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
41020 bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
41021 Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
41022 Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
41023 "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
41024 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
41026 Reception area, n.:
41027 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
41028 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
41029 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
41030 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
41033 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
41034 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
41035 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
41036 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
41038 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
41039 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
41040 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
41041 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
41042 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
41043 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
41044 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
41045 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
41046 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
41047 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
41048 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
41050 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
41053 Reclaimer, spare that tree!
41054 Take not a single bit!
41055 It used to point to me,
41056 Now I'm protecting it.
41057 It was the reader's CONS
41058 That made it, paired by dot;
41059 Now, GC, for the nonce,
41060 Thou shalt reclaim it not.
41062 Recursion is the root of computation
41063 since it trades description for time.
41065 Recursion: n. See Recursion.
41066 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
41068 Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
41069 administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
41073 Regression analysis:
41074 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
41078 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
41081 Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
41084 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
41085 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
41087 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
41088 knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
41089 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
41091 ...relaxed in the manner of a man who
41092 has no need to put up a front of any kind.
41093 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
41095 Reliable source, n.:
41096 The guy you just met.
41098 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
41101 Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
41103 Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
41106 Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
41108 Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
41109 extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
41110 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
41111 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
41113 Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
41116 Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
41118 Remember Darwin; building a better
41119 mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
41121 Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
41122 with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
41124 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
41126 Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
41129 Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
41131 Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH.
41134 Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
41135 have an established user base.
41137 Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
41141 Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
41142 *not* the U.S. Army doing it!
41143 -- "Good Morning, Vietnam"
41145 Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
41146 that you're the one holding it.
41147 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
41149 Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
41150 -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller)
41151 "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
41152 Across The Eighth Dimension"
41154 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
41157 Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
41158 you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
41159 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
41161 Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
41164 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
41165 worse in Cleveland.
41166 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
41168 Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
41170 Remember the... the... uhh.....
41173 Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
41174 In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
41175 Yea, from the table of my memory
41176 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
41177 All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
41178 That youth and observation copied there.
41179 -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
41181 Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
41183 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
41186 Remember: use logout to logout.
41188 Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
41191 Remove me from this land of slaves,
41192 Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
41193 Where every knave and fool is bought,
41194 Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
41197 Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
41198 does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
41201 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
41203 Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
41206 Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
41207 -- Indiana University football cheer
41209 Reply hazy, ask again later.
41211 Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
41212 Yogi Berra: "Closed."
41214 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
41215 Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
41218 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
41220 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
41222 REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
41224 SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
41225 the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
41226 carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
41227 I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
41228 of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
41229 do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
41230 ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
41231 need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
41232 career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
41233 that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
41235 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
41237 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
41238 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
41239 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
41241 Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
41242 Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
41244 Democrats eat the fish they catch.
41245 Republicans hang them on the wall.
41247 Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
41248 Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
41250 Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
41251 Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
41253 Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
41254 That is why there are more Democrats.
41255 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
41258 What others are not thinking about you.
41260 Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
41261 you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
41262 so you're still a valiant nerd.
41264 Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
41265 and think what nobody else has thought.
41267 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
41268 -- Wernher von Braun
41272 He didn't know where he was going.
41273 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
41274 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
41275 And he did it all on someone else's money.
41277 Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
41278 another chance later on.
41281 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
41282 a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
41283 goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
41284 is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
41285 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
41287 Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
41288 actually have a shot at it.
41290 Reunite Gondwanaland!
41292 Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
41294 Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
41296 Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
41298 Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
41300 Revenge is a meal best served cold.
41304 (1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
41305 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
41306 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
41307 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
41309 (2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
41310 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
41311 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
41312 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
41314 (3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
41315 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
41316 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
41317 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
41320 A form of government abroad.
41323 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
41324 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
41326 Revolutionary, adj.:
41330 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
41331 circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
41332 empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred,
41333 induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always
41334 for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage,
41335 material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or
41336 none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed,
41337 proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably,
41338 universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it
41339 becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
41341 Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
41342 should be happier than others.
41345 Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
41346 He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
41347 lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
41351 Riches cover a multitude of woes.
41354 Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
41355 Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
41357 Croupier (handing money to Renault):
41358 "Your winnings, sir."
41359 Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
41360 -- "Casablanca" (1942)
41362 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
41363 Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
41365 Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
41368 Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
41371 "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
41372 machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
41373 rights, which they use or do not use.
41376 Ring around the collar.
41379 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
41380 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
41381 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
41384 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
41387 University administrator.
41390 Never having to say you're sorry.
41392 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
41393 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
41394 reject the proposal.
41396 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
41398 -- Edgar Friedenberg
41400 Rome was not built in one day.
41403 Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
41405 ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
41406 MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
41407 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
41409 Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
41410 He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
41411 Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
41412 Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
41415 Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
41416 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
41424 Rotten wood cannot be carved.
41425 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
41427 Round Numbers are always false.
41430 Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
41432 Rubber bands have snappy endings!
41434 Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
41435 Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
41438 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
41439 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
41440 stay in Washington and make it there.
41442 Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
41445 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
41448 Rudin's Second Law:
41449 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
41450 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
41455 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
41456 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
41457 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
41459 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
41465 The Boss is always right.
41468 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
41470 Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
41471 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
41472 be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
41473 shall be deemed to be a cat.
41475 Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
41476 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
41477 not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
41478 sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
41479 regain their composure.
41481 Rule of Creative Research:
41482 (1) Never draw what you can copy.
41483 (2) Never copy what you can trace.
41484 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
41486 Rule of Defactualization:
41487 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
41489 Rule of Feline Frustration:
41490 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
41491 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
41493 Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
41496 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
41497 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
41499 Rule the Empire through force.
41503 (1) The boss is always right.
41504 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
41506 Rules for Academic Deans:
41508 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
41509 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
41511 Rules for driving in New York:
41512 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
41513 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
41514 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
41517 Rules for Good Grammar #4.
41518 1: Don't use no double negatives.
41519 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
41520 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
41521 4: About them sentence fragments.
41522 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
41523 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
41524 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
41525 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
41526 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
41527 10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
41528 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
41529 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
41530 13: Correct speling is essential.
41531 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
41532 15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
41533 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
41534 become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
41537 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
41538 negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
41539 and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
41540 omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
41541 unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
41542 a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
41543 Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
41544 Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
41545 us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
41546 snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
41547 told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
41548 avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
41549 phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
41550 death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
41552 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
41553 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
41554 (2) Never leave the table hungry.
41555 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
41556 (4) Enjoy your food.
41557 (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
41558 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
41559 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
41560 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
41561 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
41562 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
41563 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
41564 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
41565 can always eat it later.
41566 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
41567 (11) Avoid blue food.
41568 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
41570 Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
41574 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
41576 Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
41577 -- John Cameron Swayze
41579 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
41580 he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
41581 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
41582 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
41583 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
41586 Make three correct guesses consecutively
41587 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
41589 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
41591 RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY
41592 RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY
41594 RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY
41595 RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY
41596 RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY
41597 RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY
41598 RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY
41599 RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY
41600 RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY
41602 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
41609 Sacher's Observation:
41610 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
41612 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
41615 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
41617 Sadoequinecrophilia, n.:
41618 Beating a dead horse.
41622 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
41623 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
41625 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
41627 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
41628 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
41629 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
41630 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
41631 6. People ignore you at parties.
41632 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
41633 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
41635 SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
41637 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
41638 Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
41639 to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
41640 space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
41641 violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
41642 turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
41643 center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
41645 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
41646 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
41647 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
41648 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
41649 laugh at you a great deal.
41651 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
41652 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
41653 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
41654 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
41656 SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
41657 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
41658 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
41659 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
41661 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
41662 got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
41665 Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
41666 -- Heard on Noah's ark
41668 Sailors in ships, sail on!
41669 Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
41671 Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
41672 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
41674 Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
41675 in small amounts over a long period of time.
41678 Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
41680 Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
41681 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
41682 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
41683 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
41684 Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
41685 Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
41686 uncharted waters here.
41689 Sam: What's going on, Normie?
41690 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
41691 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
41692 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
41694 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
41695 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
41696 Found him every couple of blocks.
41697 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
41699 Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
41700 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
41701 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41703 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
41704 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
41705 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41707 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
41708 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
41709 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41711 Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
41712 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
41713 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
41714 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
41715 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
41716 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
41718 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
41719 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
41720 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
41722 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
41723 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
41724 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
41726 Sam: What do you say, Norm?
41727 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
41728 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
41730 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
41731 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
41732 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
41734 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
41735 All: Norm! (Norman.)
41736 Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
41737 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
41738 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
41740 Sam: What's new, Norm?
41741 Norm: Most of my wife.
41742 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
41745 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
41746 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
41748 Coach: What's doing, Norm?
41749 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
41750 to be the guinea pig.
41751 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
41754 Four million people, where you can't get a
41755 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
41757 San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
41758 people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
41759 they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
41760 One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
41761 -- George Halas, professional football coach
41763 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
41767 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
41769 Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
41771 Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
41774 Sank heaven for leetle curls.
41776 Santa Claus is watching!
41778 Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
41779 He must be a communist.
41780 And a beard and long hair,
41781 Must be a pacifist.
41783 What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
41786 Santa Claus wears a red suit
41789 He has long hair and a beard
41790 Must be a pacifist.
41792 And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
41794 Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
41795 He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
41797 Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
41798 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
41800 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
41802 Satellite Safety Tip #14:
41803 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
41805 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
41807 Satire is tragedy plus time.
41810 Satire is what closes in New Haven.
41812 Satire is what closes Saturday night.
41816 It works better if you plug it in.
41818 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
41819 Is like being nowhere at all,
41820 All through the day how the hours rush by,
41821 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
41822 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
41824 Satyrs have more faun.
41826 Sauron is alive in Argentina!
41828 Savage's Law of Expediency:
41829 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
41831 Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
41832 surprised at how little you have.
41835 Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
41838 Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
41840 Save energy: be apathetic.
41842 Save gas, don't eat beans.
41844 Save gas, don't use the shell.
41848 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
41850 Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
41852 Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
41854 Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
41855 Bust in business, lost your wife;
41856 No one cares a cent about you,
41857 You don't care a cent for life;
41858 Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
41859 Health is failing, wish you'd die--
41860 Why, you've still the sunshine left you
41861 And the big blue sky.
41864 Say it with flowers,
41865 Or say it with mink,
41866 But whatever you do,
41867 Don't say it with ink!
41870 Say many of cameras focused t'us,
41871 Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
41872 No justice, please, curse ye!
41873 We really want mercy:
41874 You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
41875 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
41877 Say my love is easy had,
41878 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
41879 Say I am too often sad --
41880 Still behold me at your side.
41882 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
41883 Say I woo and coddle care,
41884 Say the devil touched my tongue,
41885 Still you have my heart to wear.
41887 But say my verses do not scan,
41888 And I get me another man!
41889 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
41891 Say no, then negotiate.
41894 Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
41896 Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
41898 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
41902 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
41903 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
41904 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
41906 Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
41909 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
41910 room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
41911 white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
41912 filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
41913 shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
41914 intently watching him.
41917 I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
41919 Schapiro's Explanation:
41920 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
41921 because they use more manure.
41923 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
41925 Schlattwhapper, n.:
41926 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
41927 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
41928 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
41930 Schmidt's Observation:
41931 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
41932 than a thin person.
41935 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
41937 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
41940 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a pencil.
41941 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
41943 Science and religion are in full accord but
41944 science and faith are in complete discord.
41946 Science Fiction, Double Feature.
41947 Frank has built and lost his creature.
41948 Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
41949 The servants gone to a distant planet.
41951 At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
41952 I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
41953 To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
41954 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
41956 Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
41957 collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
41959 -- Jules Henri Poincare
41961 Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
41962 of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
41963 is not necessarily science.
41964 -- Jules Henri Poincar'
\be
41966 Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
41967 out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
41970 Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
41972 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
41974 Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
41976 Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
41977 Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
41978 Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
41979 Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
41980 How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
41981 Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
41982 To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
41983 Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
41984 Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
41985 And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
41986 To seek a shelter in some happier star?
41987 Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
41988 The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
41989 The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
41990 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
41992 Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
41993 -- William F. Buckley
41996 Scientists still know less about what attracts men
41997 than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
41998 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
41999 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
42001 Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
42002 They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
42003 was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
42004 linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
42005 started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
42006 was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
42007 struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
42008 together. "There is now", came the reply.
42010 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
42011 Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
42012 Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
42013 Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
42014 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
42015 Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
42017 Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
42019 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
42020 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will
42021 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
42022 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
42024 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
42025 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
42026 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
42027 to throw up. Knock it off.
42029 SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
42030 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
42031 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
42032 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
42033 to win. You never learn.
42036 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
42038 Scott's second Law:
42039 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
42040 to have been wrong in the first place.
42043 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
42044 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
42046 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
42047 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
42048 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
42049 Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
42050 Spock: Affirmative.
42051 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
42052 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
42054 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
42057 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's
42059 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42061 Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
42063 -- Richard M. Nixon
42065 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
42066 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
42068 Sears has everything.
42070 Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
42072 Second Law of Business Meetings:
42073 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
42074 will pick the wrong one.
42077 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
42080 Second Law of Final Exams:
42081 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
42082 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
42084 Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
42086 Secretary's Revenge:
42087 Filing almost everything under "the".
42089 Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
42090 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
42091 multiline message byte.
42092 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
42093 must be sent passive true.
42094 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
42095 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
42096 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
42097 (a) The LADS is active
42098 (b) Nor LACS is active
42100 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
42101 Programmable Instrumentation
42103 Security check:
\a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
42105 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
42106 [Who guards the Guardians?]
42108 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
42109 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
42110 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
42112 Sightlessly seeking
42113 Some savage, spectacular suicide.
42114 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
42116 See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...
42118 See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
42119 the second one should have seen it.
42121 Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
42122 was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
42123 who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
42124 himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
42125 asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
42126 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
42127 far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
42129 Seeing is believing.
42130 You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
42132 Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
42135 Seeing that death, a necessary end,
42136 Will come when it will come.
42137 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
42139 Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
42140 -- Alfred North Whitehead
42142 Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
42143 driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
42144 mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
42145 luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
42146 rocks. They all got out of the car:
42147 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
42148 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
42149 into town and have a specialist look at it."
42150 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
42151 in and see if it does it again."
42153 Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
42154 counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
42156 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
42157 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
42158 you like me to put it on your bill?"
42159 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
42161 Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
42162 to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
42163 the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
42164 During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
42165 work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
42167 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
42168 Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
42169 completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
42170 other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
42171 are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
42172 "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
42173 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
42174 like when God was working it alone!"
42176 Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
42177 and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
42179 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
42180 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
42183 "Got any bear bells?"
42185 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
42186 bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
42187 bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
42189 "Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat."
42190 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?"
42193 Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
42194 Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
42196 In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
42197 In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
42198 In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
42199 In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
42201 Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
42202 doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
42203 that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
42204 months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
42205 Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
42206 and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
42207 He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
42208 up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
42209 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
42210 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
42211 a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
42212 out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
42213 When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
42214 some new underwear.
42215 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
42216 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
42217 salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
42218 that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
42219 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
42220 you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
42222 Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
42223 Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
42225 Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
42226 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
42228 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
42229 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
42231 Self Test for Paranoia:
42232 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
42236 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
42240 SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
42242 Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
42243 notify you if the record has pornographic material or
42244 material glorifying violence?"
42245 Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
42246 Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
42247 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
42248 not for little Johnny."
42250 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
42251 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
42254 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
42256 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
42258 Send some filthy mail.
42260 Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
42261 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
42264 The state of mind of elderly persons
42265 with whom one happens to disagree.
42267 Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
42268 little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
42269 In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
42270 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
42272 Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
42274 Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
42278 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
42280 Serenity through viciousness.
42285 Serocki's Stricture:
42286 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
42288 Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
42290 Set the cart before the horse.
42293 Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
42294 swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
42295 there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
42296 retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
42297 some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
42298 fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
42299 loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
42300 guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
42301 anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
42303 Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
42304 big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
42305 reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
42306 build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
42307 like crabgrass all over the United States.
42308 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
42310 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
42311 Is all my brain and body need.
42312 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
42313 Are very good indeed.
42315 Take your silly ways,
42316 Throw them out the window,
42317 The wisdom of your ways,
42318 I've been there and I know,
42319 Lots of other ways...
42320 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
42322 Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
42324 Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
42327 Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
42329 Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
42330 if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
42333 Sex is an emotion in motion.
42336 Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
42338 -- Malcolm MacDougall
42340 Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
42341 -- Garrison Keillor
42343 Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
42344 it's still darn tasty!
42346 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
42349 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
42352 Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
42353 most amount of trouble.
42356 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
42357 repeated until infinity.
42358 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
42359 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
42362 Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
42363 it's one of the best.
42366 Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
42367 how children do not come into the world.
42370 Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
42372 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
42373 always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
42376 Shame is an improper emotion invented by
42377 pietists to oppress the human race.
42378 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
42380 Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:
42381 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
42382 temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
42383 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue
42384 functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
42385 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
42386 middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
42387 bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
42388 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
42389 am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
42391 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
42393 Shannon's Observation
42394 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
42395 that is beginning to improve.
42398 To give in, endure humiliation.
42400 Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
42401 during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
42402 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
42406 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
42409 She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
42411 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
42413 She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
42414 containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
42415 for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
42416 the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
42418 In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
42419 not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
42420 worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
42421 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
42423 She asked me, "What's your sign?"
42424 I blinked and answered "Neon,"
42425 I thought I'd blow her mind...
42427 She been married so many times
42428 she got rice marks all over her face.
42431 She blinded me with science!
42433 She can kill all your files;
42434 She can freeze with a frown.
42435 And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
42436 And she works on her code until ten after three.
42437 She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
42438 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
42440 She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
42443 She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
42445 She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
42448 She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
42451 She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
42452 years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
42453 left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
42454 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
42455 involvement in "The Avengers".
42457 She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
42460 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
42461 a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
42463 She often gave herself very good advice
42464 (though she very seldom followed it).
42465 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
42467 She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B".
42468 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
42470 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
42471 Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
42472 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
42473 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
42475 She sells cshs by the cshore.
42477 She stood on the tracks
42479 Leading me to that third rail shock
42481 She changed her mind
42483 She gave me a night
42485 What will it take until I stop
42489 There's nothing else I can do
42490 'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
42491 I don't want anyone new
42492 'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
42493 There's nothing in it for you
42494 'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
42495 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
42497 She was bred in ol' Kentucky
42498 But she's just a crumb up here
42499 She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
42500 With a cauliflower ear
42501 Someday we will be married
42502 And if vegetables become too dear
42503 I'll just cut me a slice of
42504 Her cauliflower ear!
42505 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
42507 She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
42508 good at being short.
42509 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
42511 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
42513 She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
42515 She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
42518 All trails have more uphill sections
42519 than they have downhill sections.
42521 "Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
42523 Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
42524 turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
42525 bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
42526 night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
42527 aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
42528 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
42529 bad fiction contest.
42531 Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
42532 him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
42533 of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
42536 She's genuinely bogus.
42538 She's learned to say things with her eyes
42539 that others waste time putting into words.
42541 She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
42543 She's such a kinky girl,
42544 The kind you don't take home to mother.
42545 She will never let your spirits down
42546 Once you get her off the street.
42548 She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
42551 Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
42554 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
42557 Shift to the right,
42559 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
42561 Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
42563 Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
42564 in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
42565 laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
42566 of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
42569 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
42570 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
42571 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
42573 After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
42574 it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
42575 body join her long dead brain.
42577 Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
42578 they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
42581 Short people get rained on last.
42583 Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
42586 Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
42587 Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
42590 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
42591 playing golf with his boss.
42593 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
42595 Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
42597 Showing up is 80% of life.
42600 Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
42603 Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
42604 [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
42607 Sic transit gloria Monday!
42609 Sic transit gloria mundi.
42610 [So passes away the glory of this world.]
42613 Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
42615 Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
42617 Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
42619 Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
42621 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
42622 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
42624 Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
42625 up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
42629 Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
42632 Silence is the only virtue you have left.
42634 sillema sillema nika su
42635 [translation: look it up...hint-fin]
42637 Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
42638 a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
42639 carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
42640 the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
42641 of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
42642 intersection in town. BUT!
42644 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42645 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
42647 Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
42648 She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
42649 (OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
42650 And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
42652 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42653 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
42656 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
42659 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
42661 Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
42665 The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the
42666 character of this point is therefore another method for the
42667 letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an
42670 -- by Claude E. Shannon
42672 Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
42678 Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
42680 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
42681 All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
42682 (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
42685 Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
42686 when others believe him.
42687 -- Charles DeGaulle
42689 Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
42691 Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
42692 cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
42693 this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
42695 Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
42696 having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
42697 burst out in laughter.
42700 Since I hurt my pendulum
42701 My life is all erratic.
42702 My parrot, who was cordial,
42703 Is now transmitting static.
42704 The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
42705 The cat keeps doing poo.
42706 The only thing that keeps me sane
42707 Is talking to my shoe.
42710 Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
42713 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
42717 Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
42718 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
42720 Sink or Swim with Teddy!
42722 Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
42724 Sir, it's quite possible this asteroid is not entirely stable.
42727 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
42729 -- Winston Churchill
42731 Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
42732 Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
42733 loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
42735 God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
42736 the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
42737 It'll cost you though".
42739 "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
42740 the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
42742 "An arm and a leg", said God.
42744 Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
42747 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
42748 objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
42749 gives us modern art.
42752 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
42753 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
42754 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
42755 should have gotten.
42757 skldfjkl
\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
42758 h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui
\a135 2
42759 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
42760 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
42761 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
42764 Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
42766 Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
42769 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not,
42770 when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and
42771 apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I
42772 neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a
42773 tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they
42774 were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of
42775 souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a
42776 testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from
42778 -- Frederick Douglass
42780 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
42783 Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
42785 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
42786 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
42788 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
42789 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
42790 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
42791 attracted to dark objects.
42794 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
42799 Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
42802 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
42803 it sits in the dish too long.
42804 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42806 Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
42808 Small is beautiful.
42809 -- Schumacher's Dictum
42811 Small things make base men proud.
42812 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
42814 Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
42815 teacher was in my class for five years.
42818 Smear the road with a runner!!
42820 Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
42822 Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
42824 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
42827 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
42828 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
42829 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
42830 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
42831 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
42832 filed 30 days in advance.
42834 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
42837 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
42839 Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
42840 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
42843 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
42844 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
42846 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42848 Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
42851 What you'd say if you had another chance.
42853 Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
42855 Snow and adolescence are the only problems
42856 that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
42858 Snow Day -- stay home.
42860 Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
42861 shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
42862 mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
42863 for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
42864 with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
42865 the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
42867 So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
42868 your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
42869 hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
42870 array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
42872 ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
42873 were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
42874 that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
42875 toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
42876 made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
42877 format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
42878 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
42881 So... did you ever wonder, do garbage men take showers before they
42884 So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
42885 A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
42886 they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
42887 of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
42888 only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
42889 purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
42890 strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
42891 Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
42892 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
42894 So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
42895 praise of intelligence.
42896 -- Bertrand Russell
42898 So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
42899 as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
42900 way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
42901 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
42903 So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
42904 of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
42905 friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
42906 could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
42907 use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
42908 for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
42909 the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
42910 extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
42911 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
42913 So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
42915 So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
42916 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
42918 So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
42921 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
42922 large as it needs to be?
42924 So little time, so little to do.
42927 So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
42928 to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
42930 So many beautiful women and so little time.
42933 So many men and so little time.
42935 So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
42936 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
42938 So many women, and so little time!
42940 So many women, so little nerve.
42942 So much food, and so little time!
42958 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
42981 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
42982 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public
42983 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992
42985 So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
42986 at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
42987 the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
42988 the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
42989 himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
42990 the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
42994 So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
42995 and yet it is not; it is but so so.
42996 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
42998 So... so you think you can tell
43000 Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
43001 Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
43002 From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
43003 A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
43004 Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
43006 A walk on part in a war
43007 For the lead role in a cage?
43008 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
43010 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever
43011 remember his Bible?
43013 So, you better watch out!
43014 You better not cry!
43015 You better not pout!
43016 I'm telling you why,
43017 Santa Claus is coming, to town.
43019 He knows when you've been sleeping,
43020 He know when you're awake.
43021 He knows if you've been bad or good,
43022 He has ties with the CIA.
43025 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
43026 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
43027 tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
43028 recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
43029 the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
43030 and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
43031 eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
43033 So you think that money is the root of all evil.
43034 Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
43037 So you're back... about time...
43039 Soap and education are not as sudden as a
43040 massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
43044 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
43047 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
43049 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
43051 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
43052 The government sells it.
43054 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
43056 The government shoots one cow,
43057 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
43059 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
43061 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
43064 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
43068 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
43070 Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
43071 like a staff function."
43074 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
43075 "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
43076 the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
43077 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
43079 Soldiers who wish to be a hero
43080 Are practically zero,
43081 But those who wish to be civilians,
43082 They run into the millions.
43084 Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
43087 Solutions are obvious if one only has the
43088 optical power to observe them over the horizon.
43091 Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
43092 and some few to be chewed and digested.
43094 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
43096 Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
43097 Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
43099 Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
43100 as when you find a trout in the milk.
43103 Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
43105 Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
43107 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
43109 Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
43111 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
43114 Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
43118 Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
43119 and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
43120 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
43122 Some men are discovered; others are found out.
43124 Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
43125 about sex at all... they become lawyers.
43128 Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
43129 that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
43131 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
43134 Some men feel that the only thing they owe
43135 the woman who marries them is a grudge.
43138 Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
43139 lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
43142 Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
43145 Some men who fear that they are playing
43146 second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
43148 Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
43149 The answer is: I don't know.
43150 Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
43152 Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
43153 old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
43154 I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
43155 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
43156 the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
43157 Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
43158 Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
43159 an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
43161 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
43162 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
43163 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
43164 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
43165 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
43166 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
43167 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
43168 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
43169 he received, shame and wounds."
43171 Some of the things that live the longest
43172 in peoples' memories never really happened.
43174 Some of them want to use you,
43175 Some of them want to be used by you,
43176 ...Everybody's looking for something.
43177 -- Eurythmics, "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)"
43179 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
43182 Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
43183 celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
43184 stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
43185 "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
43186 of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
43187 government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
43188 Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
43189 billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
43190 it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
43191 thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
43192 the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
43194 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
43196 Some parts of the past must be preserved,
43197 and some of the future prevented at all costs.
43199 Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
43200 transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
43201 two-dimensional ones.
43202 -- F. Frederick Skitty
43204 Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
43206 Some people cause happiness wherever
43207 they go; others, whenever they go.
43209 Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
43210 but at least you only have to climb it once.
43212 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
43213 only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
43215 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
43217 Some people have parts that are so private
43218 they themselves have no knowledge of them.
43220 Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
43223 Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.
43225 Some people manage by the book, even though they
43226 don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
43228 Some people need a good imaginary cure
43229 for their painful imaginary ailment.
43231 Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
43233 Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
43235 Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
43236 rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
43239 Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
43240 They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
43242 Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
43243 you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
43247 Some points to remember [about animals]:
43249 (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
43251 (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
43252 front of your clothes;
43253 (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
43254 you have just kicked.
43255 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
43257 Some primal termite knocked on wood.
43258 And tasted it, and found it good.
43259 And that is why your Cousin May
43260 Fell through the parlor floor today.
43263 Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
43265 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43267 Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
43269 Some say the world will end in fire,
43271 From what I've tasted of desire
43272 I hold with those who favor fire.
43273 But if it had to perish twice
43274 I think I know enough of hate
43275 To say that for destruction, ice
43278 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
43280 Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
43283 Some things have to be believed to be seen.
43285 Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
43288 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
43289 pens will multiply instead of disappear.
43291 Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
43292 Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
43293 Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
43294 When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
43296 Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
43297 Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
43298 Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
43299 That don't smell very nice --
43300 He's nobody's moggy now.
43302 Oh you who love your pussy,
43303 Be sure to keep him in.
43304 Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
43305 The truck is bound to win. On the road way
43306 And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
43307 Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
43308 If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
43309 It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
43310 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
43311 He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
43312 Just red and squashed and soggy --
43313 He's nobody's moggy now.
43314 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
43316 Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
43317 I found a pile of them over in the corner.
43319 Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
43320 typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
43322 Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
43323 probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
43324 blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
43327 Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
43330 Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
43332 Someday your prints will come.
43335 Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
43336 when I was passing through satisfaction.
43337 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
43339 Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
43341 Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
43342 City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
43343 Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
43346 Someone is speaking well of you.
43349 Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
43351 Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
43353 Someone will try to honk your nose today.
43355 Something better...
43357 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
43358 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
43359 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
43360 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
43361 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
43362 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
43364 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
43366 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
43367 mind putting that thing away.
43368 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
43369 It's what's in it that matters.
43370 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
43372 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
43373 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
43375 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
43376 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
43378 Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
43379 -- Benjamin Disraeli
43381 Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
43382 -- William Shakespeare
43384 Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
43385 and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
43388 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
43391 Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
43392 fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
43395 Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
43396 smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
43397 -- Richard M. Nixon
43399 Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
43402 Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
43403 Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
43404 Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
43405 Either light up or leave me alone.
43407 Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
43408 the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
43412 Sometimes I live in the country,
43413 And sometimes I live in town.
43414 And sometimes I have a great notion,
43415 To jump in the river and drown.
43417 Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
43420 Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
43421 Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
43422 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
43424 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
43427 Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
43430 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
43432 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
43433 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
43434 me because I am beautiful.
43435 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
43437 Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
43439 Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
43440 Other times I can hardly see.
43441 Lately it occurs to me
43442 What a long strange trip it's been.
43443 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
43445 Sometimes, too long is too long.
43448 Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
43449 like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
43450 before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
43451 forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
43454 Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
43455 to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
43458 Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
43462 Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
43464 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
43466 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
43467 woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
43470 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
43473 Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
43474 the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
43475 make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
43476 But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
43477 -- Sky Masterson's Father
43479 Song Title of the Week:
43480 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
43483 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
43484 paid may disregard this fortune).
43486 Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
43490 Sorry never means having you're say to love.
43492 Sorry, no fortune this time.
43494 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
43495 bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
43496 road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
43497 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
43499 Space is to place as eternity is to time.
43502 Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
43505 Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
43506 Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
43507 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
43508 -- Captain James T. Kirk
43511 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
43512 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43514 Spare no expense to save money on this one.
43517 Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
43518 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
43519 if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
43522 Speak roughly to your little boy,
43523 And beat him when he sneezes:
43524 He only does it to annoy
43525 Because he knows it teases.
43529 I speak severely to my boy,
43530 And beat him when he sneezes:
43531 For he can thoroughly enjoy
43532 The pepper when he pleases!
43535 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
43537 Speak roughly to your little VAX,
43538 And boot it when it crashes;
43539 It knows that one cannot relax
43540 Because the paging thrashes!
43544 I speak severely to my VAX,
43545 And boot it when it crashes;
43546 In spite of all my favorite hacks
43547 My jobs it always thrashes!
43551 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
43553 Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
43556 "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
43557 ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
43558 mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
43559 thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
43560 moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
43561 and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
43562 earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
43563 water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
43564 diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
43565 would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
43566 leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
43567 wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
43568 murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
43569 into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
43570 on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
43571 have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
43572 seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
43573 syllable is thine!"
43574 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
43576 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
43577 sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
43578 cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free
43579 the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a
43580 bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a
43581 controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
43582 passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same
43583 memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well,
43584 no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously
43585 designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
43587 Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
43589 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
43590 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
43591 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
43592 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
43593 Helpless users with projects due
43594 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
43596 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
43597 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
43599 * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
43600 * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
43603 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
43604 these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
43605 to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
43606 communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
43607 on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
43608 life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
43609 communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____
\b\b\b\b\bleast
43610 he can do is to Shut Up!
43611 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
43613 Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
43614 on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
43616 Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
43617 Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
43618 young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
43619 students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
43620 Faculty members especially welcome.
43622 Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.
43624 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
43625 motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
43626 when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
43627 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
43629 Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
43630 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
43631 number of times you have looked at it.
43633 Spelling is a lossed art.
43635 Spence's Admonition:
43636 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
43638 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
43644 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
43646 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43648 Spock: The odds of surviving another
43649 attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
43651 Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
43654 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
43655 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
43657 Spring is here, spring is here,
43658 Life is skittles and life is beer.
43661 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
43662 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43664 Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
43666 St. Patrick was a gentleman
43667 who through strategy and stealth
43668 drove all the snakes from Ireland.
43669 Here's a toasting to his health --
43670 but not too many toastings
43671 lest you lose yourself and then
43672 forget the good St. Patrick
43673 and see all those snakes again.
43675 Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
43677 Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
43679 Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
43681 Stamp out philately.
43684 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
43686 Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
43687 no means the only "certain" standard. If you mistake what is relative for
43688 something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
43691 Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
43693 Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
43694 they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
43696 "Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist
43697 drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'
\bee of bat guano; and the
43698 greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll
43699 take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!"
43702 Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
43705 Start the day with a smile.
43706 After that you can be your nasty old self again.
43708 State license plates we'd like to see:
43710 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
43712 LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
43716 FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
43718 State license plates we'd like to see:
43722 THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
43724 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
43726 WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
43730 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
43732 State license plates we'd like to see:
43734 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
43735 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
43736 EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
43738 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
43740 HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
43742 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
43743 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
43744 THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
43748 A system for expressing your political
43749 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
43751 Statistics are no substitute for judgment.
43754 Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
43756 Stay away from flying saucers today.
43758 Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
43762 Stay together, drag each other down.
43764 Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
43765 There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
43766 One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
43768 And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
43769 Though we really did try to make it,
43770 Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
43772 It used to be so easy living here with you,
43773 You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
43774 Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
43776 There'll be good times again for me and you,
43777 But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
43778 But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
43780 But it's too late baby...
43781 It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
43782 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
43784 Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
43785 long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
43786 hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
43787 its rate is a matter of discretion.
43788 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
43790 Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
43792 Steckel's Rule to Success:
43793 Good enough is never good enough.
43795 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
43796 Everybody should believe in something --
43797 I believe I'll have another drink.
43799 Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
43800 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
43803 Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
43804 Embezzlement is another matter.
43807 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
43809 Step back, unbelievers!
43810 Or the rain will never come.
43811 Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
43812 You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
43813 But I swear to you, before this day is out,
43814 you folks are gonna see some rain!
43816 Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
43817 Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
43818 so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
43819 wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
43820 very little call for those up there.
43821 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
43823 Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
43824 Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
43826 Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
43827 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
43829 Stock's Observation:
43830 You no sooner get your head above water
43831 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
43834 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
43836 Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
43837 And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
43838 in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
43839 Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
43840 way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
43841 on the credulity of human nature.
43843 Stop me, before I kill again!
43845 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
43846 Now, if they'd only take a bath...
43848 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
43850 Strange things are done to be number one
43851 In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
43852 IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
43853 Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
43854 And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
43855 But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
43856 Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
43857 By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
43858 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
43859 Would ship for Celtic gold.
43860 The movers came to crate the frame;
43861 It weighed a million ton!
43862 The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
43863 (the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
43864 "They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
43865 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
43866 "Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
43867 "It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
43868 "And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
43869 Because they couldn't deliver.
43870 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
43873 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
43876 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
43877 after those creating it have left the organization.
43879 Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
43881 Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
43882 and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
43883 the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
43884 "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
43885 implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
43886 and have a nice day.
43888 Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
43889 real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
43890 understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
43891 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
43894 Our problems are mostly behind us.
43895 What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
43898 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
43900 Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
43902 Stupidity is its own reward.
43905 90% of everything is crud.
43907 Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
43909 Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
43910 Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
43912 Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
43913 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
43916 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
43917 before it is understood.
43919 Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
43920 the streets after them.
43923 Success is a journey, not a destination.
43925 Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
43927 Success is in the minds of Fools.
43928 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
43930 Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
43932 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
43934 Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
43936 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
43938 Such a fine first dream!
43939 But they laughed at me; they said
43942 Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
43943 when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
43945 Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
43946 petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
43947 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
43949 Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
43950 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
43952 Sudden Death Dating:
43955 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
43956 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
43958 Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
43959 without his duck ...
43961 Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
43962 The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
43963 Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
43964 The Path there is, but none who travel it.
43965 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
43967 Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
43969 Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
43971 Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
43976 Sun in the night, everyone is together,
43977 Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
43978 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
43981 The Network IS the Load Average.
43983 (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
43985 To code the impossible code,
43986 To bring up a virgin machine,
43987 To pop out of endless recursion,
43988 To grok what appears on the screen,
43990 To right the unrightable bug,
43991 To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
43992 To mount the unmountable magtape,
43993 To stop the unstoppable crash!
43996 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
43997 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
43998 progressively reducing solar elevation.
44000 Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
44001 have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
44004 Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
44005 none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
44006 sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
44007 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
44009 Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
44010 Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
44012 Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
44014 -- Overheard at a supervision
44016 Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
44018 Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
44020 Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
44022 Support the American Kidney Foundation.
44023 Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
44025 Support the Girl Scouts!
44026 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
44028 Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
44030 Support your local church or synagogue.
44031 Worship at Bank of America.
44033 Support your local police force -- steal!!
44035 Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
44037 Support your right to arm bears!!
44039 Support your right to bare arms!
44040 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
44042 Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
44043 rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
44044 efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
44045 analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
44046 Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
44047 it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
44048 were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
44050 -- Christopher Evans
44052 Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
44054 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
44055 But what if he forgets?
44057 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
44058 men in national government too.
44059 -- Richard M. Nixon
44061 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
44063 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
44064 Just type in your name and social security number.
44065 Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
44071 Surprise due today. Also the rent.
44073 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
44076 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
44077 strapped on with electrical tape.
44080 The way of the tuna.
44082 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
44083 -- William Shakespeare
44086 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
44090 Swap read error. You lose your mind.
44093 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
44096 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
44098 Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
44101 Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
44102 And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
44104 Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
44105 whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
44106 the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
44108 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
44110 Swipple's Rule of Order:
44111 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
44113 Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful
44114 place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
44117 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
44118 unusually pale and clear.
44119 Problem: Glass empty.
44120 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
44122 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
44123 and the front of your shirt is wet.
44124 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
44125 wrong part of face.
44126 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
44127 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
44129 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44131 Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
44132 Fault: The Bar is closing.
44133 Action Required: Panic.
44135 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
44136 You cannot see the bathroom light.
44137 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
44138 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
44139 treat yourself to a lie-in.
44141 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44143 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
44144 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
44145 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
44148 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
44149 Fault: Improper bladder control.
44150 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
44151 to the owner about its lack of house training and
44152 demand a beer as compensation.
44154 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44156 Symptom: Floor blurred.
44157 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
44158 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
44160 Symptom: Floor moving.
44161 Fault: You are being carried out.
44162 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
44163 complain loudly that you are being kidnaped.
44165 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44167 Symptom: Floor swaying.
44168 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
44170 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
44172 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
44173 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
44174 Fault: You have fallen forward.
44175 Action Required: See above.
44177 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
44178 fluorescent light strips.
44179 Fault: You have fallen over backward.
44180 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
44181 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
44182 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
44184 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44186 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
44187 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
44189 System checkpoint complete.
44191 System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
44193 System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
44195 System going down in 5 minutes.
44197 System restarting, wait...
44199 System/3! System/3!
44200 See how it runs! See how it runs!
44201 Its monitor loses so totally!
44202 It runs all its programs in RPG!
44203 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
44206 SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
44207 Works equally poorly on all systems.
44209 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
44210 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
44211 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
44213 Systems programmer:
44214 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
44215 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
44216 are to receive from your boss.
44218 Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
44221 T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
44222 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
44223 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
44224 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
44225 -- The Roguelet's ABC
44228 Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions.
44230 Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
44233 Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
44236 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
44239 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
44242 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
44244 Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
44245 he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
44247 Take an astronaut to launch.
44249 Take care of the luxuries and the
44250 necessities will take care of themselves.
44253 Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
44254 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
44256 Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
44258 TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
44259 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
44261 Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
44263 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
44265 Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
44270 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
44271 needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
44274 Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
44275 merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
44276 have given them to you.
44278 Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
44281 Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to
44282 your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
44283 and they'll call you crazy.
44284 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
44286 Take your Senator to lunch this week.
44288 Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
44289 take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
44290 -- Booth Tarkington
44292 Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
44293 got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
44296 Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
44298 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
44301 Talkers are no good doers.
44302 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
44304 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
44307 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
44308 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
44310 Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
44311 Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
44312 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
44314 Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
44315 Tan me hide when I'm dead.
44316 So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
44317 It's hanging there on the shed.
44319 All together now...
44320 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
44321 Tie me kangaroo down.
44322 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
44323 Tie me kangaroo down.
44325 Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
44326 will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
44327 -- Benjamin Franklin
44329 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
44330 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
44331 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
44332 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.
44334 TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
44335 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
44336 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
44337 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
44339 TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
44340 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
44341 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
44342 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
44347 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
44351 Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
44354 Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
44357 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
44360 TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
44362 Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
44363 Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
44364 of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
44366 Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs.
44369 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
44370 when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
44372 Teachers have class.
44375 Having someone to blame.
44377 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
44380 In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having
44381 accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath
44382 taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of his
44383 head fell on one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The
44384 defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges
44385 holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the
44386 death of the cook, that being only an inference.
44387 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
44389 "Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
44390 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
44391 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
44392 this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
44393 being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
44394 work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
44395 itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
44396 slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
44397 difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
44398 I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
44399 a moment and then log off."
44401 Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
44402 for going backwards.
44405 Teeth for meat are in the mouth --
44406 Teeth for humans are in the soul.
44407 A strong body defeats one,
44408 A strong soul conquers many.
44409 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
44411 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
44412 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
44414 Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
44415 you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
44416 but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
44417 already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
44421 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
44422 advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
44423 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
44426 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
44427 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
44428 burden on the directory assistant.
44429 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
44431 Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
44434 Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
44437 Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
44438 -- Alfred Hitchcock
44440 Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
44444 Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
44445 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
44447 Television is now so desperately hungry for material
44448 that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
44451 Television only proves that people will look at anything --
44452 rather than each other.
44454 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
44455 believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
44456 to touch to be sure.
44458 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
44459 Is those things arms, or is they legs?
44460 I marvel at thee, Octopus;
44461 If I were thou, I'd call me us.
44464 Tell me what to think!!!
44466 Tell me why the stars do shine,
44467 Tell me why the ivy twines,
44468 Tell me why the sky's so blue,
44469 And I will tell you just why I love you.
44471 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
44472 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
44473 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
44474 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
44476 Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
44477 promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
44480 Tempt me with a spoon!
44482 Tempt not a desperate man.
44483 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
44485 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
44486 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
44487 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
44488 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
44489 seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
44490 of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
44491 word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
44492 and handed the others to Dutsky.
44493 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
44495 Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
44498 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
44499 way of telling you to stop writing.
44502 Terence, this is stupid stuff:
44503 You eat your victuals fast enough;
44504 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
44505 To see the rate you drink your beer.
44506 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
44507 It gives a chap the belly-ache.
44508 The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
44509 It sleeps well the horned head:
44510 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
44511 To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
44512 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
44513 Your friends to death before their time.
44514 Moping, melancholy mad:
44515 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
44518 Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
44519 school, and then work, work, work till we die.
44522 Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
44523 amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
44524 the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
44525 to risk offending God's grandmother.
44526 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
44528 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
44529 pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until
44530 about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is
44531 ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
44532 because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
44533 fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately
44534 credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is
44535 certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind,
44536 he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and
44537 contemptuously rejected it.
44538 -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
44539 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic
44543 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
44544 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
44545 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
44546 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
44547 the solution will turn blue-green.
44549 Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
44550 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
44552 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
44557 TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
44558 century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
44559 terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
44562 Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
44563 of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
44564 "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
44565 unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
44566 the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
44567 told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
44568 the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
44569 "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
44570 called you from here."
44572 Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
44575 Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
44577 Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
44578 one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.
44579 -- J. Finnegan, USC
44581 Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
44582 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
44584 Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
44586 That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
44587 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
44589 That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
44592 That does not compute.
44594 ...that FC loop thing sucks.
44595 So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
44596 wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
44597 -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
44599 That feeling just came over me.
44600 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
44602 That government is best which governs least.
44603 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
44605 That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
44606 that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
44607 in the same way as us.
44608 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
44616 That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
44619 That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
44621 That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
44622 sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
44623 narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
44626 That, that is not, is not.
44627 That, that is, is not that, that is not.
44628 That, that is not, is not that, that is.
44630 ...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
44631 the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
44632 hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
44633 A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
44634 liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
44635 REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
44636 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
44638 That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
44640 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
44643 That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
44644 remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
44645 write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
44648 That's always the way when you discover
44649 something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
44655 How much does it cost?
44657 I only have a dollar.
44660 That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
44661 who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
44662 thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
44663 thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
44664 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
44666 "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
44667 omnipotent, let me tell you `tabernacle' has only one l."
44668 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
44673 That's odd. That's very odd.
44674 Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
44676 That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
44679 That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
44680 -- Woody Allen, on sex
44682 That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
44683 really hate is lousy programmers.
44684 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
44686 That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
44687 returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
44690 That's what she said.
44692 That's where the money was.
44693 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
44695 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
44698 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
44701 The 357.73 Theory --
44702 Auditors always reject expense accounts
44703 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
44705 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
44707 The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
44708 Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
44709 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
44711 The Abrams' Principle:
44712 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
44714 The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
44717 The absent ones are always at fault.
44719 The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
44722 The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
44723 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
44725 The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
44728 The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
44729 hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
44730 makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
44731 undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
44732 anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
44733 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
44735 The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
44736 does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
44737 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
44739 The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
44740 -- Thomas Jefferson
44742 The Advertising Agency Song:
44744 When your client's hopping mad,
44745 Put his picture in the ad.
44746 If he still should prove refractory,
44747 Add a picture of his factory.
44749 The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
44750 he is already degraded.
44753 The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
44754 facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
44757 The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
44758 belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
44760 The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
44761 For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
44764 The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
44766 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
44768 The all-softening overpowering knell,
44769 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
44772 The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
44773 fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
44774 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
44776 The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
44777 to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
44781 The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
44782 eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
44783 -- Finley Peter Dunne
44785 The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
44786 call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
44787 opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
44790 The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
44791 pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
44793 The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
44796 The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraic patterns
44797 just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
44798 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
44800 The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
44801 of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
44802 Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
44803 even better, nobody has to play it.
44804 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
44806 The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
44807 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
44809 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
44811 The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
44814 The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
44815 with which you can threaten your enemies.
44818 The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
44819 sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
44820 -- Salvador De Madariaga
44822 The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
44823 -- Albertano of Brescia
44825 The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
44826 doctors nor lawyers.
44829 The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
44830 session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
44831 advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
44832 publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivaled alle-
44833 giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
44834 we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
44835 book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
44836 field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continu-
44837 ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
44838 very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
44839 lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
44840 courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S.,
44841 [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
44842 arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
44843 time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
44844 for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
44845 then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
44846 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
44847 And dare not stray to ideas new,
44848 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
44849 And for a living what woulds't we do?
44851 The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
44852 for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
44853 bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
44854 constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
44855 all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
44856 neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
44857 Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
44858 would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
44859 desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
44860 fire-fighting aircraft.
44862 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
44864 The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
44866 Four day work week,
44867 Two ply toilet paper!
44869 The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
44870 released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
44871 Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
44873 The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
44874 and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
44875 All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
44876 "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
44877 their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
44878 Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
44879 the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
44882 The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
44883 never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
44884 and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
44885 through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
44886 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
44888 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
44889 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
44890 and color, but also on ability.
44893 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
44896 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
44897 in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
44898 Declaration not for that, but for future use.
44901 The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
44902 Jupiter can have no satellites:
44904 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
44905 eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
44906 unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
44907 From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
44908 metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
44909 of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
44910 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
44911 therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
44912 and therefore do not exist.
44914 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
44916 The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
44917 knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
44918 -- Ladies' Home Journal
44920 The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
44921 the morning feeling just terrible.
44924 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
44926 The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
44927 a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
44929 The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
44931 The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
44932 one graveyard to another.
44933 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
44935 The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
44936 disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
44937 feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
44941 The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
44942 average man can see better than he can think.
44944 The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
44945 into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
44946 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
44948 The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
44949 carries any reward.
44950 -- John Maynard Keynes
44952 The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
44953 people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
44955 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
44957 The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
44958 Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
44959 And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
44960 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
44961 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
44963 The bank sent our statement this morning,
44964 The red ink was a sight of great awe!
44965 Their figures and mine might have balanced,
44966 But my wife was too quick on the draw.
44968 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
44969 cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
44970 difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
44971 which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
44972 here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
44973 RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
44974 want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
44975 lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
44976 squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
44977 and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
44978 his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
44979 neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
44981 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
44983 The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
44984 called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
44985 writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
44986 be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
44987 immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
44988 bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
44989 Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
44990 paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
44991 would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
44992 The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
44993 emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
44994 Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
44995 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
44997 The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
44998 And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
44999 The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
45000 And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
45001 These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
45002 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
45005 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
45007 The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
45008 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
45010 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
45011 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
45014 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
45017 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
45018 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
45020 The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
45021 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
45022 Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
45023 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
45024 The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
45025 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
45026 -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
45028 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
45031 The best defense against logic is ignorance.
45033 The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
45037 The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
45040 The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
45041 However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
45042 by judging things by their price.
45044 The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
45045 what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
45046 them while they do it.
45047 -- Theodore Roosevelt
45049 The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
45051 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
45054 The best man for the job is often a woman.
45056 The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
45058 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
45060 The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
45061 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
45064 The best prophet of the future is the past.
45066 The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
45067 redoubtable John W. Campbell:
45069 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
45070 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
45071 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
45072 being read by a corpse.
45074 The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
45075 fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
45076 drifting side by side to our common doom.
45079 The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
45080 company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
45082 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
45084 The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
45086 The best things in life are for a fee.
45088 The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
45090 The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
45092 The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
45094 The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
45096 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
45098 The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
45102 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
45103 smoke is a right worth dying for.
45105 The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
45106 scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
45107 when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
45108 way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
45109 Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
45110 work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
45111 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
45113 The best you get is an even break.
45116 The better part of valor is discretion.
45117 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
45119 The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
45120 To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
45121 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
45123 The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
45124 to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
45125 It's just that they need more supervision.
45127 The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
45128 never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
45131 The Bible on letters of reference:
45133 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
45134 we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
45135 No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
45136 man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
45137 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
45139 The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
45142 The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
45143 and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like
45144 women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any
45145 more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
45148 The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
45149 themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
45150 this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
45151 hungry all the time?
45153 The bigger the theory the better.
45155 The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
45157 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
45160 The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
45161 working for someone else.
45163 The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
45166 The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
45167 and the bird is on the wing.
45170 The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
45171 because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
45172 and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
45173 Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
45174 of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
45175 containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
45176 put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
45177 of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
45179 The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
45181 The bogosity meter just pegged.
45183 The bold youth of today is very lonely.
45184 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
45186 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
45187 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
45189 The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
45190 half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
45191 pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
45192 hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
45193 for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
45194 during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
45195 but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
45196 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
45198 The boy stood on the burning deck,
45199 Eating peanuts by the peck.
45200 His father called him, but he could not go,
45201 For he loved those peanuts so.
45203 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
45204 you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
45206 The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
45207 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
45208 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and
45209 convert to the next higher units.
45211 The British are coming! The British are coming!
45213 The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
45214 and humiliating reality.
45217 The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
45218 digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
45219 of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
45220 the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
45221 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
45223 The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
45224 Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
45225 automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
45228 The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
45229 the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
45232 The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
45233 Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
45234 Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
45235 time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
45238 Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
45239 beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
45240 Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
45241 written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
45243 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
45244 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
45245 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
45246 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
45247 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
45249 The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
45252 The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
45253 flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
45255 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
45256 people, and don't come in clearly enough.
45259 The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
45260 sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
45261 time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
45262 into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
45264 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
45266 The camel has a single hump;
45268 Or else the other way around.
45269 I'm never sure. Are you?
45272 The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
45273 greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
45274 inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
45275 party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
45278 The carbonyl is polarized,
45279 The delta end is plus.
45280 The nucleophile will thus attack,
45281 The carbon nucleus.
45282 Addition makes an alcohol,
45283 Of types there are but three.
45284 It makes a bond, to correspond,
45285 From C to shining C.
45286 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
45288 The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
45289 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
45291 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
45293 The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.
45296 The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
45300 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
45301 at the steam fitters' picnic.
45303 The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
45306 The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
45309 The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
45313 The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
45316 The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
45317 specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
45318 rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
45320 The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
45322 The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
45325 The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
45326 the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
45327 military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
45328 private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
45329 and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
45330 who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
45331 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
45333 The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
45335 The closest to perfection a person ever comes
45336 is when he fills out a job application form.
45337 -- Stanley J. Randall
45339 The clothes have no emperor.
45340 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA
45342 The coast was clear.
45345 The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
45346 intellectual nakedness.
45347 -- Robert M. Hutchins
45349 The Commandments of the EE:
45351 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
45352 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
45353 embarrassing manner.
45354 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
45355 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
45356 earthly vale of tears.
45357 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
45358 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
45359 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
45361 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
45362 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
45365 The Commandments of the EE:
45367 5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
45368 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
45369 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
45370 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
45371 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
45372 6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
45373 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
45374 the fury of the engineers on his head.
45375 7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
45376 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
45377 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
45378 8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
45379 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
45380 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
45381 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
45383 The Commandments of the EE:
45385 9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
45386 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
45387 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
45388 10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
45389 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
45390 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
45391 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
45392 11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
45393 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
45394 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
45395 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
45396 innocent-seeming device.
45398 The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
45400 The computer gets faster! --Moore--
45402 The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
45403 entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
45404 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
45408 The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
45409 central power station is to the electrical industry.
45412 The Computer made me do it.
45414 The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
45417 The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
45418 defined several times by examples of what it is not.
45420 The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
45422 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
45424 The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
45425 and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
45426 language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
45428 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
45430 The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
45431 subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
45432 every bird watcher in the country.
45433 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
45435 The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
45436 than what we've got!
45438 The Consultant's Curse:
45439 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
45440 what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
45441 medicine, and is normally only required once.
45443 The control of the production of wealth
45444 is the control of human life itself.
45447 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
45448 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
45449 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
45450 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
45452 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
45454 The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
45456 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
45459 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
45461 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
45463 The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
45464 female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
45465 rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
45466 would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
45468 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
45470 The course of true anything never does run smooth.
45473 The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
45474 judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
45475 Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
45476 ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
45477 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
45480 The covers of this book are too far apart.
45481 -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book
45483 The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
45486 The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
45488 -- Credits from the PBS program "The Creation of the Universe"
45490 The Crown is full of it!
45491 -- Nate Harris, 1775
45493 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should
45494 therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could
45495 hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to
45496 declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war,
45497 then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press.
45498 Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges.
45499 -- William Ellery Channing
45501 The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
45502 words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
45505 The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
45508 The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
45509 a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
45511 The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
45512 Every class is unfit to govern.
45515 The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
45516 plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
45517 Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
45518 be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
45519 agree to ban the popular but dangerous "Simon Says" training drill at
45520 nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
45521 that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
45522 years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
45523 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
45525 The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
45526 and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
45527 -- Henry David Thoreau
45529 The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
45531 The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
45532 as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
45533 the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
45534 dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
45535 this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
45536 doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
45537 -- Thomas Jefferson
45539 The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
45541 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
45544 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
45545 us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
45546 Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
45548 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
45550 The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
45551 accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
45552 Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator.
45553 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
45555 The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
45557 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
45558 Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
45560 The degree of civilization in a society
45561 can be judged by entering its prisons.
45564 The degree of technical confidence is inversely
45565 proportional to the level of management.
45567 The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
45568 people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
45569 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
45571 The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
45572 successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
45573 and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
45574 of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
45575 second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
45576 Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
45578 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
45579 young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
45580 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
45582 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered
45583 manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
45584 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
45585 would be restructured. The crisis passed.
45586 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
45587 blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
45588 into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
45589 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
45591 The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
45594 The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
45595 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
45597 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
45599 The devil finds work for idle glands.
45602 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
45604 The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
45606 The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
45608 The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
45609 exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
45612 The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell
45613 into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him
45614 out again, it would be a calamity.
45615 -- Benjamin Disraeli
45617 The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
45618 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
45620 The difference between art and science is that science is what we
45621 understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
45622 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Discover"
45624 The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
45625 thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
45626 is thinking that they're conspiring.
45629 The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
45630 called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
45632 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
45634 The difference between legal separation and divorce is
45635 that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
45637 The difference between reality and unreality
45638 is that reality has so little to recommend it.
45641 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
45642 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
45643 -- Robert A. Heinlein
45645 The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
45646 Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
45647 rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
45648 swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
45649 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
45651 The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
45652 you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
45653 swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
45655 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
45657 The difference between the right word and the almost right word
45658 is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
45661 The difference between this place and yogurt
45662 is that yogurt has a live culture.
45664 The difference between us is not very far,
45665 cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
45667 The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
45670 The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
45672 The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
45673 the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
45674 work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
45677 The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
45679 The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
45681 The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
45682 naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
45685 The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
45686 following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
45688 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
45689 Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
45690 Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
45691 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
45692 Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
45693 Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
45694 Macaroons are ____
\b\b\b\bvery Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
45695 goyish. Lime soda is ____
\b\b\b\bvery goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
45696 Jews won't go near them ..."
45697 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
45699 The distinction between true and false appears to become
45700 increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
45703 The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
45704 a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
45706 The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
45707 the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
45708 and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
45711 The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
45712 really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
45713 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
45715 The door is the key.
45717 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show
45718 off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
45719 next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
45720 duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
45721 duck and returned it to his master.
45722 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
45723 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
45725 The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
45727 -- Honore de Balzac
45729 The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
45731 The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
45733 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
45734 and owns the worm farm.
45737 The early worm gets the late bird.
45739 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
45741 The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
45744 The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
45745 teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
45747 I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
45748 or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
45749 hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
45750 But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
45751 valuable possession to him.
45753 I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
45754 end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
45755 to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
45756 have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
45757 enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
45758 roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
45759 would tire of the spectacle eventually.
45762 The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
45763 weather forecasters.
45764 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
45766 The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
45767 *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
45770 The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
45772 "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
45773 Compute' -- I forget which."
45774 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
45776 The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
45777 to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
45778 Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With".
45779 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
45780 Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
45781 first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect
45782 that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
45783 over the post of robotics correspondent.
45784 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
45785 had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
45786 the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
45787 Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
45788 wall when the revolution came".
45790 The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
45791 -- Buckminster Fuller
45793 The end of labor is to gain leisure.
45795 The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
45797 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
45799 The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
45800 symposium to follow.
45802 The ends justify the means.
45803 -- after Matthew Prior
45805 The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
45806 of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
45807 of these atoms is talking moonshine.
45808 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
45811 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
45812 in full pursuit of the uneatable.
45813 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
45815 The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
45816 their children to speak it.
45817 -- George Bernard Shaw
45819 The English instinctively admire any man
45820 who has no talent and is modest about it.
45821 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
45823 The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
45824 purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
45825 place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
45826 before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
45827 all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
45828 result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
45829 relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
45830 Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
45832 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
45833 "What kind of family do you come from?"
45834 "A rich, Jewish family."
45836 "A German aristocrat."
45837 "Have you ever been to the West?"
45838 "I spent most of my life in England."
45839 "How did you make a living there?"
45840 "A friend supported me."
45841 "Where did you get the money from?"
45842 "He owned a textile factory."
45844 "Never heard of him."
45845 "What is your name?"
45848 [The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
45849 practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
45850 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
45851 presidential aspirant.
45853 The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
45854 for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
45855 a substitute for intelligence.
45858 The eternal feminine draws us upward.
45859 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
45861 The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
45864 The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
45865 is the most likely to be correct.
45866 -- William of Occam
45868 The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
45869 the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
45870 own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
45871 of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
45872 of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
45873 what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
45874 everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
45875 so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
45876 in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
45879 The eyes of taxes are upon you.
45881 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
45882 All the livelong day;
45883 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
45884 You cannot get away;
45885 Do not think you can escape them
45886 From night 'til early in the morn;
45887 The eyes of Texas are upon you
45888 'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
45889 -- University of Texas' school song
45891 The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
45892 utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
45893 a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
45894 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
45896 The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
45897 remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
45900 The fact that it works is immaterial.
45903 The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
45904 endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
45908 The fall of the USSR proves you wrong.
45909 -- Aryeh M. Friedman
45911 The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
45913 The farther you go, the less you know.
45914 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
45916 The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
45917 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
45919 The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
45920 outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
45921 say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
45922 so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
45923 so long as they are Tories.
45924 -- Christopher Booker
45926 The faster I go, the behinder I get.
45928 "Through the Looking-Glass,
45929 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
45931 The faster we go, the rounder we get.
45932 -- The Grateful Dead
45934 The Fastest Defeat In Chess
45935 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
45937 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
45938 Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
45939 chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
45940 of their own homes.
45941 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
45946 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
45947 either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
45948 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45950 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
45951 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
45952 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
45953 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
45955 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
45956 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
45958 The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
45959 and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
45960 suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
45961 I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
45962 dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
45963 quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
45964 and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
45965 for them to despise science fiction.
45966 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Science Fiction"
45968 The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
45969 wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
45970 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
45971 you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
45972 the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
45973 center at Notre Dame."
45974 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
45977 "The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
45978 supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
45979 anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
45980 husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
45981 and become lesbians."
45983 The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
45984 (1) write down the problem.
45985 (2) think very hard.
45986 (3) write down the answer.
45987 -- Murray Gell-Mann
45990 You have taken yourself too seriously.
45992 The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
45993 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
45995 The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons.
45997 The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
45999 The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
46000 the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
46002 The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
46004 -- John Quincy Adams
46006 All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
46007 but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
46008 to man are contained in it.
46011 ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
46012 life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
46013 guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
46016 The First Commandment for Technicians:
46017 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
46018 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
46019 untechnician-like manner.
46021 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
46024 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
46025 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
46026 tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
46027 forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
46028 fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
46029 threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
46030 suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
46031 foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
46032 one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
46033 dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
46034 drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
46035 and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
46036 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
46037 of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
46038 in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
46039 crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
46040 Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
46041 a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
46042 throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
46043 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
46045 The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
46046 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
46048 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half
46052 The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
46053 and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
46055 The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
46056 management is that success equals skill.
46059 The first requisite for immortality is death.
46062 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
46063 child, was propounded to me by my father:
46064 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
46066 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
46068 "A herring," said my father.
46069 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
46070 "So hang it there."
46071 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
46073 "But a herring isn't wet."
46074 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
46075 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
46077 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
46079 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
46081 The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
46084 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
46087 The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
46088 hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
46089 -- McCloctnik the Lucid
46091 The First Rule of Program Optimization:
46094 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
46098 The first thing I do in the morning
46099 is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
46102 The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
46103 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
46105 The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
46106 The second, a trick.
46107 Later, it's a well-established technique!
46108 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
46110 The first version always gets thrown away.
46112 The five rules of Socialism:
46115 2. If you do think, don't speak.
46116 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
46117 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
46118 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
46120 -- being told in Poland, 1987
46122 ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
46124 The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
46125 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
46127 The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
46130 The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
46131 Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
46133 As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
46134 logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
46135 appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
46136 four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
46138 Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
46139 blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
46140 parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
46143 The following statement is not true.
46144 The previous statement is true.
46146 The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
46148 1. You can't push on a string.
46149 2. Ain't no free lunches.
46150 3. Them as has, gets.
46151 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
46153 The Force is what holds everything together.
46154 It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
46155 It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
46157 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
46158 people who want some.
46159 -- Dwight MacDonald
46161 The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
46162 because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
46163 rests on mutual help.
46166 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
46167 a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
46169 The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
46170 received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities.
46172 The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
46173 objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
46175 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
46176 if the character does not have fire resistance.
46177 -- README file from the NetHack game
46179 The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
46183 [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
46184 -- W. Somerset Maugham
46186 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
46187 number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
46189 The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
46190 of both parties tactfully interferes.
46191 -- G. K. Chesterton
46193 The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
46194 but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
46195 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
46197 The future is a myth created by insurance
46198 salesmen and high school counselors.
46200 The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
46203 The future is going to be boring.
46206 The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
46208 The future lies ahead.
46210 The future not being born, my friend,
46211 we will abstain from baptizing it.
46214 The garden is in mourning;
46215 The rain falls cool among the flowers.
46216 Summer shivers quietly
46217 On its way towards its end.
46219 Golden leaf after leaf
46220 Falls from the tall acacia.
46221 Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
46222 In this dying dream of a garden.
46224 For a long while, yet, in the roses,
46225 She will linger on, yearning for peace,
46227 Close her weary eyes.
46228 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
46230 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
46232 The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
46233 people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
46234 drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
46237 The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
46239 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
46241 The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
46244 The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
46245 remember her first husband.
46247 The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
46249 The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
46252 The glances over cocktails
46253 That seemed to be so sweet
46254 Don't seem quite so amorous
46255 Over Shredded Wheat
46257 The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
46258 least until we've finished building it.
46260 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature
46261 is to build better mice.
46263 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him
46264 love and he invented marriage.
46266 The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
46270 The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
46271 He who has the gold makes the rules.
46273 The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
46274 make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
46275 have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
46276 man in the bonds of Hell.
46279 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
46283 The good (I am convinced, for one)
46284 Is but the bad one leaves undone.
46285 Once your reputation's done
46286 You can live a life of fun.
46289 The good life was so elusive
46290 It really got me down
46291 I had to regain some confidence
46292 So I got into camouflage
46294 The good time is approaching,
46295 The season is at hand.
46296 When the merry click of the two-base lick
46297 Will be heard throughout the land.
46298 The frost still lingers on the earth, and
46299 Budless are the trees.
46300 But the merry ring of the voice of spring
46301 Is borne upon the breeze.
46302 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
46305 If a string has one end, it has another.
46307 The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
46308 to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
46309 and they can't fire it.
46311 The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
46312 statistics. These are raised to the _
\bnth degree, the cube roots are
46313 extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
46314 displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
46315 case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
46316 down anything he damn well pleases.
46317 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
46319 The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
46320 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
46321 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
46323 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
46325 -- George Washington
46327 The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
46328 with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
46329 fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
46330 for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
46331 "Send Lord Combermere."
46332 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
46333 Combermere a fool."
46334 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
46335 -- G. W. E. Russell
46337 The goys have proven the following theorem...
46338 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
46341 The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
46342 who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
46343 -- Benjamin Franklin
46345 The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
46347 The grave's a fine and private place,
46348 but none, I think, do there embrace.
46351 The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
46352 -- Charles de Gaulle
46354 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
46355 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
46356 courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
46357 clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
46358 of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
46360 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
46362 The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
46363 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
46365 The Great Movie Posters:
46367 *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
46368 With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
46369 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
46371 Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
46372 GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
46373 -- The Wild Party (1929)
46375 YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
46376 DIX -- the dashing soldier!
46377 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
46378 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
46379 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
46381 SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
46382 SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
46383 -- The Night is Young (1934)
46385 The Great Movie Posters:
46387 A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
46389 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
46391 NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
46392 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
46394 LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF
46396 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
46398 The family that slays together stays together.
46399 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
46401 The Great Movie Posters:
46403 An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
46406 Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
46407 This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
46408 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
46410 WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
46413 It's not human and it's got an axe.
46416 The Great Movie Posters:
46418 Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
46419 SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
46420 ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
46421 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
46423 An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
46424 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
46426 WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
46427 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
46428 Alone, only a harmless pet...
46429 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
46430 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
46432 They're Over-Exposed
46433 But Not Under-Developed!
46434 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
46436 The Great Movie Posters:
46438 HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
46439 -- Teenagers from Outer Space (1959)
46441 Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
46442 Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
46443 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
46445 NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
46446 FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
46447 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
46449 The Great Movie Posters:
46451 HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
46452 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
46454 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
46455 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
46457 TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
46458 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
46460 They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
46461 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
46463 The Great Movie Posters:
46465 KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
46466 of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
46467 you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
46470 Do Native Women Live With Apes?
46471 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
46474 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
46475 was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
46476 she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
46477 spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
46478 was a girl in love!
46479 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
46480 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
46482 LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
46483 -- Intermezzo (1939)
46485 The Great Movie Posters:
46487 POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
46488 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
46490 She Sins in Mobile --
46491 Marries in Houston --
46492 Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
46493 Leaves Her Husband in Tucson --
46494 MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
46497 NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
46498 -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
46500 *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
46501 A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
46502 1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
46503 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
46504 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
46505 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
46507 The Great Movie Posters:
46509 SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
46510 -- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
46511 -- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
46512 -- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
46513 -- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
46514 SEE the burning of a virgin!
46515 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
46516 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
46519 The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
46520 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
46522 AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
46523 A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
46524 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
46525 give you the wim-wams!
46526 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
46528 The Great Movie Posters:
46530 SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
46531 SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
46532 SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
46533 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
46535 What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
46536 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
46538 It's always better when you come again!
46539 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
46541 You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
46544 The Great Movie Posters:
46546 SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
46547 on a roaring rampage of revenge!
46548 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
46550 WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
46552 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
46555 TOMORROW the World!
46558 The Great Movie Posters:
46560 She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
46561 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
46568 1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
46569 24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
46570 20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
46571 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
46572 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
46573 THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
46574 Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
46575 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
46576 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
46577 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
46579 The Great Movie Posters:
46581 The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
46582 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
46584 OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
46585 Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
46586 the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
46587 Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
46588 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
46589 -- Robot Monster (1953)
46591 1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
46593 -- The Egyptian (1954)
46595 The Great Movie Posters:
46597 The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
46598 horror on a screaming world!
46599 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
46601 SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
46603 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
46605 Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
46606 What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
46607 Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
46608 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
46610 The Great Movie Posters:
46612 They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
46613 SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
46614 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
46616 See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
46617 -- The French Line (1954)
46619 See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
46620 -- Hot Blood (1956)
46622 The Great Movie Posters:
46624 When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
46626 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
46628 Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
46629 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
46631 A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
46632 OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
46633 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
46635 The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
46639 The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
46640 yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
46641 feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
46644 The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
46645 At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
46646 answered themselves.
46649 The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
46650 of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
46651 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
46653 The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
46654 is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
46656 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
46659 The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
46660 before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
46661 the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
46662 their wives and daughters to his arms.
46663 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
46665 The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
46668 The Greatest Mathematical Error
46669 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
46670 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
46671 give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
46672 would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
46673 corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
46674 scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
46675 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
46676 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
46677 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
46678 the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
46680 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
46681 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46683 The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
46685 The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
46686 -- Robert A. Heinlein
46688 The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
46690 The groundhog is like most other prophets;
46691 it delivers its message and then disappears.
46693 The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead,
46694 thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature
46695 would have been useful to the chicken.
46697 -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction"
46699 The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
46702 The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
46703 success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
46705 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
46708 The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
46709 you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
46711 The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
46712 deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
46713 author's name on the title page.
46714 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831)
46716 The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
46717 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
46719 The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
46720 of functions performed by private citizens.
46721 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
46723 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
46724 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
46726 The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
46729 The heart is wiser than the intellect.
46731 ...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
46733 The heaviest object in the world is the
46734 body of the woman you have ceased to love.
46735 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
46737 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
46738 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
46740 The help people need most urgently is
46741 help in admitting that they need help.
46743 The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
46746 The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
46747 challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
46748 keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
46749 itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
46750 of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
46751 is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
46753 -- Benjamin Cardozo
46755 The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
46756 which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
46757 least 5000 years old."
46759 The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
46760 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
46762 The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
46763 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
46764 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
46765 instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
46766 eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
46768 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
46770 The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
46771 are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
46774 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
46776 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
46778 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
46779 pretext that your brother did it.
46781 The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
46784 The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
46785 to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
46788 The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
46789 she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
46792 The horror... the horror!
46794 The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
46795 lists of "Ten Best".
46798 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
46799 you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
46800 -- Sir George Jessel
46802 The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
46803 has gills through which it can see.
46806 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
46807 capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
46809 The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
46810 protein -- it rejects it.
46813 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can
46814 remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider
46815 struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in
46816 spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and
46817 wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head
46818 off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.
46819 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
46821 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
46824 The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
46825 procession but carrying a banner.
46828 The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
46831 The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
46832 that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
46835 The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
46836 if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
46839 The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
46840 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
46842 The idea is to die young as late as possible.
46845 The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
46846 tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
46847 it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
46850 The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
46851 devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
46852 where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
46853 sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
46854 consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
46855 have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
46856 repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
46857 of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
46858 devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
46859 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
46861 The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
46862 no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
46865 The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
46866 are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
46867 understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
46868 -- John Maynard Keynes
46870 The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.
46873 The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
46875 The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
46878 The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
46882 The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
46883 A program is a lot like a nose:
46884 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
46886 The important thing is not to stop questioning.
46888 The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
46890 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
46891 has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
46892 when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
46895 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
46896 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
46897 important thing to people.
46898 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
46900 The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
46901 a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
46902 -- Bertrand Russell
46904 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
46905 the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
46906 -- Winston Churchill
46908 The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
46909 there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
46910 pointer and a mark.
46911 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
46913 The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
46914 number of participants.
46917 The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
46918 the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
46919 affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
46920 style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
46921 manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
46922 constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
46923 overturning everything.
46924 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
46926 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
46927 by the number of people in the group.
46929 The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
46930 information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
46931 dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
46932 real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
46934 So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
46935 pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
46936 consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
46937 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
46939 The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
46940 treat the Arabs like postmen.
46943 The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
46944 knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
46945 Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
46946 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
46947 good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
46950 The Junior God now heads the roll
46951 In the list of heaven's peers;
46952 He sits in the House of High Control,
46953 And he regulates the spheres.
46954 Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
46955 If, even in gods divine,
46956 The best and wisest may not be those
46957 Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
46960 The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
46961 debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
46962 revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
46963 quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
46964 resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
46965 workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
46966 Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
46967 to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
46968 hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
46969 nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
46970 goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
46971 drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
46972 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
46973 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
46974 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
46975 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
46977 The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems:
46978 there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud.
46981 The Kennedy Constant:
46982 Don't get mad -- get even.
46984 The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
46987 The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
46988 an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
46989 advantage to see the truth.
46990 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
46992 The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
46994 The kind of danger people most enjoy is
46995 the kind they can watch from a safe place.
46997 The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
46999 King: "How goes the battle plan?"
47000 Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
47002 A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
47003 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
47006 A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
47007 K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"
47008 A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
47010 The knowledge that makes us cherish
47011 innocence makes innocence unattainable.
47014 The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
47015 the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
47016 world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
47017 dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
47018 per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
47019 really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
47020 drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
47021 I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
47022 And now, just look at me."
47024 The ladies men admire, I've heard,
47025 Would shudder at a wicked word.
47026 Their candle gives a single light;
47027 They'd rather stay at home at night.
47028 They do not keep awake till three,
47029 Nor read erotic poetry.
47030 They never sanction the impure,
47031 Nor recognize an overture.
47032 They shrink from powders and from paints...
47033 So far, I've had no complaints.
47036 The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
47037 Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
47038 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
47040 The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
47043 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
47044 everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
47046 The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
47048 The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
47051 The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
47055 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
47056 processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
47059 The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
47062 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
47063 to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
47066 The Law of the Letter:
47067 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
47069 The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
47070 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
47072 The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
47074 -- Henry David Thoreau
47076 The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
47077 should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
47078 weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
47082 The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
47083 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
47084 most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
47085 give a public reading of his latest poem.
47086 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
47087 Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
47088 Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
47089 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
47090 and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
47091 the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
47093 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
47094 Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
47095 lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
47096 Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
47097 on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
47098 much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
47099 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
47100 exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
47101 their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
47103 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47105 The Least Successful Animal Rescue
47106 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
47107 rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
47108 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
47109 lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
47110 tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
47111 So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
47112 later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
47113 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47115 The Least Successful Collector
47116 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
47117 was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
47118 amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
47119 works of Shakespeare.
47120 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
47121 legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
47122 remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
47123 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
47124 the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
47125 French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
47126 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47128 The Least Successful Defrosting Device
47129 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
47130 whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
47131 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
47133 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
47134 was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
47135 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
47136 muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
47137 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
47138 constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
47140 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47142 The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
47143 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
47144 Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
47145 legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
47146 enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
47148 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47150 The Least Successful Executions
47151 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
47152 The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
47153 made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
47154 snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
47155 and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
47156 punishment, he was reprieved.
47157 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
47158 tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
47159 occasion failed to get the trap door open.
47160 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
47161 Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
47162 to America and lived until 1933.
47163 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47165 The Least Successful Police Dogs
47166 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
47167 schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
47168 in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
47169 offend the criminal classes.
47170 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
47171 and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
47172 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
47173 stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
47174 raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
47176 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
47177 patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
47178 fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
47179 him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
47180 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47182 The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
47185 The less time planning, the more time programming.
47187 The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
47190 The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
47193 The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
47196 The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
47198 The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
47200 The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come
47202 The lion and the calf shall lie down
47203 together but the calf won't get much sleep.
47206 The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
47207 She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
47210 The little pieces of my life I give to you,
47211 with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
47213 The little town that time forgot,
47214 Where all the women are strong,
47215 The men are good-looking,
47216 And the children above-average.
47217 -- Prairie Home Companion
47219 The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
47220 door with a basket of kittens.
47221 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
47222 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
47223 Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
47224 girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
47225 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
47226 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
47227 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
47228 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
47230 The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
47231 for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
47232 simply making a limiting statement about himself.
47235 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
47238 The longer the title, the less important the job.
47240 The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
47241 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
47243 The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
47244 we could with both of them.
47245 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
47247 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
47248 Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
47250 The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
47254 The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
47255 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47257 The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
47258 the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
47259 her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
47260 Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
47261 steel through your last meal!"
47262 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
47264 The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
47266 The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
47267 Are of imagination all compact...
47268 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
47270 The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
47272 The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
47273 -- Benjamin Disraeli
47275 The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
47278 The major advances in civilization are processes
47279 that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
47282 The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
47283 bonds will eventually mature.
47285 The major sin is the sin of being born.
47288 The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play
47290 -- Honore de Balzac
47292 The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
47293 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
47297 The makers may make
47298 and the users may use,
47299 but the fixers must fix
47300 with but minimal clues
47302 The man she had was kind and clean
47303 And well enough for every day,
47304 But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
47305 The one that got away.
47306 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
47308 The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
47309 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
47310 Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
47312 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
47313 American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
47314 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
47315 After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
47316 -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
47317 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
47318 point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
47319 the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
47320 not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
47321 that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
47322 sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
47323 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47325 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
47326 crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
47328 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
47330 The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
47333 The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
47336 The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
47337 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
47339 The man who runs may fight again.
47342 The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
47343 Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
47344 -- Old Japanese proverb
47346 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
47347 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
47350 The man who understands one woman is
47351 qualified to understand pretty well everything.
47354 The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
47355 to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
47358 The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
47359 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
47362 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
47365 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
47367 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
47368 wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
47369 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
47371 The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
47372 while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
47375 The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
47376 and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
47377 master calls a butterfly.
47378 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
47380 The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
47381 husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
47382 are one, and that one is Marxism.
47384 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
47386 The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
47388 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
47389 soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
47390 which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
47392 The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
47395 The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
47397 The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
47398 always end up on their ends without any means.
47401 The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
47402 Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
47404 The meek don't want it.
47406 The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
47408 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
47410 The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
47411 time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
47413 The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
47416 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
47418 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
47420 The meek shall inherit the Earth.
47421 (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
47423 The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
47425 The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
47426 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
47429 [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
47430 undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
47432 -- Winston Churchill
47434 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
47435 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
47436 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
47437 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
47439 The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
47440 devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
47443 The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange
47444 System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following
47447 The operation completed successfully.
47449 For more information, see Help and Support Center at
47450 http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp.
47452 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
47454 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
47455 mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
47456 being who produces the impressions.
47457 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
47459 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might
47460 be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the
47461 law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was
47462 guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples
47463 Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking
47464 Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality
47465 of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power.
47466 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
47469 The Modelski Chain Rule:
47470 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
47471 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
47473 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
47474 bright-looking individual.
47475 3: Procure a large chain.
47476 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
47477 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
47478 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
47479 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
47481 The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
47482 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
47484 "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
47485 themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
47487 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
47489 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
47490 -- Nicol Williamson
47492 The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
47494 The moon is made of green cheese.
47497 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
47499 The Moral Majority is neither.
47501 The more control, the more that requires control.
47503 The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
47504 the odds that the competition already has the order.
47506 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
47508 The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
47509 lower the mailing cost.
47510 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
47512 The more I know men the more I like my horse.
47514 The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
47515 -- Mme De Sevigne (1626-1696)
47517 The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
47518 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
47520 The more laws and order are made prominent,
47521 the more thieves and robbers there will be.
47524 The more the merrier.
47527 The more they over-think the plumbing
47528 the easier it is to stop up the drain.
47530 The more things change, the more they remain the same.
47533 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
47535 The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
47537 The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
47540 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
47542 The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
47544 The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
47545 First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
47546 three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
47548 The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
47550 The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
47553 The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
47555 The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
47556 exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
47557 rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
47558 flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
47559 have the good fortune to find one.
47562 The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
47563 family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
47564 of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
47567 The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
47568 in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
47571 The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
47572 -- American proverb
47574 The most dangerous organization in America today is:
47577 b) The American Nazi Party
47578 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
47580 The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
47581 the country is the one on which you resell it.
47584 The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
47585 is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
47587 The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
47588 to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
47589 -- Theodore H. White
47591 The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
47593 The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
47594 not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
47595 -- Alfred De Musset
47597 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
47598 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
47601 The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
47602 ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
47603 it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
47604 woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
47605 the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
47606 bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
47607 in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
47608 starts a long, long time before the event.
47609 -- W. B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
47610 from "Congress Eate It Up"
47612 ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
47613 freshman English at a Midwestern university.
47616 The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
47617 of a deaf man to a blind woman.
47618 -- Samuel T. Coleridge
47620 The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
47622 The most important early product on the way
47623 to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
47625 The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
47626 people to approach printed matter with distrust.
47628 The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
47629 is that one of them be good at taking orders.
47632 The most important things, each person must do for himself.
47634 The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
47635 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
47637 The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
47638 conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
47639 participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
47641 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
47642 organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
47643 orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
47644 know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
47645 every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
47646 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
47647 New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
47648 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
47649 Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
47650 weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
47651 a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
47652 with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
47653 Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
47654 white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
47655 so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
47656 or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
47657 possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
47658 lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
47659 demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
47660 astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
47661 an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
47662 radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
47663 existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
47664 and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
47665 broke into regional groups to discuss `outreach.'"
47666 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
47668 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
47669 served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
47673 The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
47674 biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
47675 them were fishermen.
47678 The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
47679 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
47680 Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
47681 several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
47682 the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
47683 to commit adultery.
47684 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
47685 country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
47686 the printers L3,000.
47687 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47689 The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
47690 children for their insurance money.
47693 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
47695 The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
47696 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
47697 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
47698 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
47700 The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
47701 perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
47702 seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
47704 The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
47705 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
47707 The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
47708 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
47710 The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
47711 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
47714 The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
47715 Support your right to bare arms!
47717 The nearer to the church, the further from God.
47720 The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
47723 The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
47724 in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
47725 occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
47726 -- James "Kibo" Parry
47728 The net of law is spread so wide,
47729 No sinner from its sweep may hide.
47730 Its meshes are so fine and strong,
47731 They take in every child of wrong.
47732 O wondrous web of mystery!
47733 Big fish alone escape from thee!
47734 -- James Jeffrey Roche
47736 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
47737 I hope I don't get run over again.
47739 The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
47740 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
47743 A javelin team that elects to receive.
47745 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
47746 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
47748 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
47749 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
47752 The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
47753 Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
47754 The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
47755 and running the country ...
47756 -- Robert J. Woodhead
47758 The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
47759 to me is going to have his head knocked off.
47762 The next thing I say to you will be true.
47763 The last thing I said was false.
47765 The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
47766 -- Lucille S. Harper
47768 The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
47770 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
47772 The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
47774 The night passes quickly when you're asleep
47775 But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
47777 Breakfast at the Egg House,
47778 Like the waffle on the griddle,
47779 I'm burnt around the edges,
47780 But I'm tender in the middle.
47783 The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
47784 rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
47785 bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
47786 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
47787 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
47789 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
47791 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
47793 The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
47794 serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
47795 these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
47796 function is to serve as checks upon the state.
47799 The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
47803 The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
47804 proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
47806 The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
47809 The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
47810 increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
47812 The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
47813 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
47815 The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
47816 is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
47817 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
47820 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly
47821 analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their
47822 occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve
47823 these problems when called upon.
47825 However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to
47826 remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
47828 The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
47830 The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
47832 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
47833 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
47834 Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate
47837 The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
47839 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
47840 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
47841 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
47842 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
47844 The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
47846 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
47847 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
47848 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
47849 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
47850 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
47851 god at 8:15 the next morning.
47853 The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
47854 is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
47855 more like fourteen.
47856 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
47858 The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
47859 New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
47860 they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
47861 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
47862 taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
47864 THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
47865 to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the
47868 "Sorry," he said with a smile.
47869 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
47871 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
47873 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader
47874 catch his own breath.
47875 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
47877 The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
47881 The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
47884 The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
47887 The one L lama, he's a priest
47888 The two L llama, he's a beast
47889 And I will bet my silk pyjama
47890 There isn't any three L lllama.
47891 -- Ogden Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
47892 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
47894 The One Page Principle:
47895 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
47896 cannot be understood.
47899 The one sure way to make a lazy man look
47900 respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
47902 The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
47905 The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
47908 The only constant is change.
47910 The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
47911 right turn on a red light.
47914 The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
47915 that the car salesman knows he's lying.
47917 The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
47919 The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
47920 every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
47923 The only difference in the game of love over the last few
47924 thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
47925 -- The Indianapolis Star
47927 The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
47929 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
47931 The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
47932 The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
47933 experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
47934 thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
47935 could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
47936 swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
47937 much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
47938 oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
47939 it and are delighted.
47940 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
47942 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
47945 The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
47946 that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
47947 beyond this they have no legitimacy.
47950 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
47953 The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
47954 mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
47955 the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
47956 like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
47957 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
47959 The only people who make love all the time are liars.
47962 The only perfect science is hind-sight.
47964 The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
47966 The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
47967 "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
47968 -- Ernest Rutherford
47970 The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
47973 The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
47976 The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
47977 be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
47978 be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
47979 you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
47982 The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
47983 plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
47984 other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
47985 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
47987 The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
47989 The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
47990 for getting acquainted.
47993 The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
47994 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
47997 The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
47999 The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
48000 has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
48001 finished, and put inside boxes.
48002 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
48004 The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
48005 of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
48008 The only reward of virtue is virtue.
48009 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
48011 The only rose without thorns is friendship.
48013 The only thing better than love is milk.
48015 The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
48017 The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
48019 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
48021 The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
48022 the first one was useless.
48023 -- Nicolas Chamfort
48025 The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any
48029 The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
48032 That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
48033 the lessons that history has to teach.
48036 We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
48037 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
48039 HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
48040 nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
48041 this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
48042 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
48044 The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
48046 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
48048 I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
48050 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
48052 The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
48053 he has lost over the years.
48054 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
48056 The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
48059 The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
48063 The only way to amuse some people
48064 is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
48066 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
48069 The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
48070 drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
48073 The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
48076 The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
48077 in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
48078 -- Jean de la Bruyere
48080 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
48083 The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
48084 of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
48087 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
48090 The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
48092 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
48094 The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
48095 and the pessimist knows it.
48096 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
48098 Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
48099 almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
48100 possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
48101 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
48103 The optimum committee has no members.
48104 -- Norman Augustine
48106 The opulence of the front office door varies
48107 inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
48109 The orders come down and they march us away.
48110 There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
48111 God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
48112 But it's better than working for Xerox.
48113 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
48115 The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
48119 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
48122 The other line moves faster.
48124 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
48125 a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
48126 with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
48127 English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
48128 pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
48129 head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
48130 table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
48131 dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
48132 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
48133 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
48134 a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
48135 never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
48137 The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
48139 The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
48140 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
48142 The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
48143 she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
48144 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
48145 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
48147 The past always looks better than it was.
48148 It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
48149 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
48151 The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
48152 were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
48155 The people sensible enough to give
48156 good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
48158 The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
48159 not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
48160 waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
48161 In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
48162 person you have always wanted to be.
48165 The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
48168 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
48169 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
48173 The person who can smile when something
48174 goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
48176 The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
48178 The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
48180 The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
48182 The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
48184 The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
48185 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
48186 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
48187 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
48189 The philosopher's treatment of a question
48190 is like the treatment of an illness.
48193 The Phone Booth Rule:
48194 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
48196 The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
48197 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
48198 Let others think his heart is big,
48199 I think it stupid of the Pig.
48202 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter
48203 swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
48204 batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The
48205 center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
48206 his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
48209 The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
48212 The plural of spouse is spice.
48214 The Poems, all three hundred of them,
48215 may be summed up in one of their phrases:
48216 "Let our thoughts be correct".
48219 The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
48220 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
48221 Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
48222 verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
48223 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
48224 work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
48225 lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
48226 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
48227 rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
48228 the higher emotions.
48229 She would me "Honey" call,
48230 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
48231 But now alas! She's left me
48233 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
48234 was her prudent choice of footwear.
48235 The fives did fit her shoe.
48236 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
48237 the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
48238 Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
48239 begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
48240 "Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
48241 worst poet in England."
48242 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48244 The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
48245 and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
48248 The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
48249 trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
48250 save your sanity for later.
48252 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish
48253 to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it
48254 is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of
48255 courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own
48256 preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper
48257 social function of expressing true distaste.
48258 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to
48259 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"
48261 The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
48262 To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
48263 -- Buckminster Fuller
48265 The pollution's at that awkward stage.
48266 Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
48269 The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often.
48271 The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
48274 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
48275 prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
48277 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
48279 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
48280 Were each of them once a kiddie.
48281 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
48282 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
48285 The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
48286 brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
48287 Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
48288 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
48290 The prettiest women are almost always the most
48291 boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
48292 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
48294 The price of greatness is responsibility.
48296 The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
48297 they might force their beliefs on us.
48300 The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
48303 The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
48304 knowledge of its ugly side.
48307 The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
48308 warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
48309 changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
48311 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
48313 The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
48314 difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
48316 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
48317 constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
48318 appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
48319 statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
48320 also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
48321 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
48323 The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
48324 voters to win the next election.
48326 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
48327 represents the secondary theme:
48329 Law Enforcement Officials
48331 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
48333 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
48336 The probability of someone watching you is directly
48337 proportional to the stupidity of your action.
48339 The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
48340 stupidity of your action.
48342 The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
48343 Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
48344 using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
48345 Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
48346 etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
48347 bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
48348 of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
48350 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
48352 The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
48353 a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
48356 The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
48360 The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
48361 to sleep every few days.
48363 The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
48364 time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
48365 government because they could not keep up.
48368 The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
48369 for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
48372 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
48373 be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
48374 -- Elizabeth Taylor
48376 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
48378 The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
48381 The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
48382 particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
48383 with sloppy English.
48384 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
48386 The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
48390 The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
48392 The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
48393 -- Miguel de Cervantes
48395 The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
48396 and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
48400 The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
48401 thoughts about their neighbours.
48404 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
48405 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
48406 mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once
48407 tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
48408 the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
48409 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
48411 The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
48412 raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
48414 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
48416 The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
48419 The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
48420 because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
48421 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
48423 The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
48424 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
48427 The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
48428 "My brain is paged out to my liver"
48430 The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
48432 The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
48433 join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
48434 attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
48435 sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
48436 whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
48437 contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
48438 remain each in their own position.
48439 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
48442 The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
48443 it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
48444 that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
48446 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
48448 The questions remain the same.
48449 The answers are eternally variable.
48451 The Rabbits The Cow
48452 Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
48453 That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
48456 The race is not always to the swift, nor the
48457 battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
48460 The rain it raineth on the just
48461 And also on the unjust fella:
48462 But chiefly on the just, because
48463 The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
48466 The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
48468 The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
48469 measurement of the speed of blight.
48471 The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
48472 illiterates can read.
48475 The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
48478 The real man's Bloody Mary:
48479 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
48480 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
48482 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
48483 Throw all the other ingredients away.
48485 The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
48487 The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
48488 -- Christopher Morley
48490 The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
48491 a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
48493 The real reason psychology is hard is that
48494 psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
48496 The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
48498 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
48500 The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
48501 which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
48502 Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
48503 Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
48504 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
48506 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
48509 The reason that every major university maintains a department of
48510 mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
48513 The reason they're called wisdom teeth
48514 is that the experience makes you wise.
48516 The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
48520 The reason why worry kills more people
48521 than work is that more people worry than work.
48523 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
48524 persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
48525 progress depends on the unreasonable man.
48526 -- George Bernard Shaw
48528 The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
48529 financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
48530 a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
48531 industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
48532 nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
48533 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
48535 The relative importance of files depends on their cost
48536 in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
48539 The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
48543 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
48544 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
48545 The hen, pleased with that,
48546 Laid an egg in his hat --
48547 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
48548 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
48550 The reverse side also has a reverse side.
48551 -- Japanese proverb
48553 The revolution will not be televised.
48555 The reward for working hard is more hard work.
48557 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
48558 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
48560 The rhino is a homely beast,
48561 For human eyes he's not a feast.
48562 Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
48563 I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
48566 The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
48567 The haves get more, the have-nots die.
48569 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
48570 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
48572 The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
48573 and to his imagination for his facts.
48576 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
48578 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
48580 The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
48583 The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
48584 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
48586 The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
48587 for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
48588 infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
48589 upon the successful management of which so much remains.
48590 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
48592 The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
48593 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
48594 you have and what rights you have not got.
48595 -- J. Parnell Thomas
48597 The ripest fruit falls first.
48598 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
48600 The road to Hades is easy to travel.
48603 The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
48606 The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
48609 The road to ruin is always in good repair,
48610 and the travellers pay the expense of it.
48614 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
48615 one who is doing it.
48617 The root of all superstition is that men
48618 observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
48621 The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
48623 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
48624 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
48625 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
48626 take it too seriously.
48627 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
48629 The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
48630 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
48632 The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
48633 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
48634 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
48636 The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
48637 can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
48638 it through power, violence or weapons.
48639 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
48643 1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
48644 2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
48645 the console keyboard.
48646 3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
48647 card decks together.
48648 4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
48649 especially if you're already married.
48650 5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as Frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
48651 a stool to reach another disk pack.
48652 6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
48654 7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
48655 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
48656 8: Thou shalt not enjoy canceling a job.
48657 9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
48658 10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
48660 The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
48661 That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
48662 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
48664 The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
48665 award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
48666 gesture by the individual to himself.
48667 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
48669 The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
48671 The savior becomes the victim.
48673 The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
48675 Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
48676 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
48678 Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
48680 "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
48682 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
48683 showed that all had these things in common:
48685 (1) They all had moderate appetites.
48686 (2) They all came from middle class homes.
48687 (3) All but two of them were dead.
48689 The scum also rises.
48690 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
48692 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
48693 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
48697 The second best policy is dishonesty.
48699 The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
48700 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
48703 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
48705 The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
48707 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
48708 you've got it made.
48711 The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
48712 there is no humor in Heaven.
48715 The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
48716 beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
48719 The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
48720 respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones
48721 from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
48722 millstones are lifted.
48723 -- George Bernard Shaw
48725 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
48726 reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
48727 Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
48728 of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
48729 him are dead, he is alive.
48730 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
48731 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
48732 host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
48733 equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
48734 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
48735 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
48736 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
48738 The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
48741 The sheep died in the wool.
48743 The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
48745 The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
48746 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
48748 The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
48750 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
48753 The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
48754 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
48756 The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
48757 voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
48758 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
48760 The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
48761 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
48762 in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
48766 The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
48767 -- [just say that five times...]
48769 The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
48770 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
48772 The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
48773 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
48775 The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
48776 And surly Winter grimly flies.
48777 Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
48778 And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
48779 Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
48780 The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
48781 All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
48782 And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
48784 The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
48785 The yellow Autumn presses near;
48786 Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
48787 Till smiling Spring again appear.
48788 Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
48789 Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
48790 But never ranging, still unchanging,
48791 I adore my bonnie Bell.
48792 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
48794 The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
48795 "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
48796 while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
48797 one can see only a very few things at once.
48798 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
48800 The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
48801 rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
48804 The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
48805 tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
48806 have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
48807 its theories will hold water.
48809 The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
48810 He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
48811 The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
48812 And slowly she let him inside.
48814 He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
48815 But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
48816 And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
48817 And now will you tell me why?"
48818 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
48820 The solution of problems is the most characteristic
48821 and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
48824 The solution of this problem is trivial
48825 and is left as an exercise for the reader.
48827 The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
48828 his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
48829 sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
48830 active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
48831 exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
48832 dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
48833 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
48834 vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
48835 was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
48836 horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
48837 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
48838 The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
48839 the table as the children gathered around him.
48840 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
48841 There was total silence.
48842 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
48844 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
48845 sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
48847 The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
48848 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
48850 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
48852 The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
48853 able to correct them.
48856 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
48858 The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
48859 In town a noun might wear a gown,
48860 or further down, might dress a clown.
48861 A noun that's sound would never clown,
48862 but unsound nouns jump up and down.
48863 The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing,
48864 and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
48865 But please don't let that get you down,
48866 the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
48869 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
48870 readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
48871 some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
48872 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
48873 the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
48874 known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
48875 Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
48876 of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
48877 psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
48878 Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
48879 these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
48880 further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
48881 something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
48883 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
48885 The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
48886 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
48887 against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
48888 Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
48891 The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
48893 The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
48894 philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
48895 is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
48897 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
48899 The star of riches is shining upon you.
48901 The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
48902 written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
48903 follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
48904 of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
48905 the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
48906 in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
48907 died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
48909 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
48911 The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
48913 The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
48914 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
48916 The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its
48917 thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools.
48921 The steady state of disks is full.
48924 The story of the butterfly:
48925 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
48926 a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
48927 out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
48928 the third day, I heard a knock."
48929 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
48930 there was nothing."
48931 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
48932 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
48934 The story you are about to hear is true.
48935 Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
48937 The street preacher looked so baffled
48938 When I asked him why he dressed
48939 With forty pounds of headlines
48940 Stapled to his chest.
48941 But he cursed me when I proved to him
48942 I said, "Not even you can hide.
48943 You see, you're just like me.
48944 I hope you're satisfied."
48947 The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
48949 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
48951 The streets were dark with something more than night.
48952 -- Raymond Chandler
48954 The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
48956 The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
48957 can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
48958 existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
48959 that he has the strength to recognize -- and to live with the recognition --
48960 that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
48961 He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
48962 by the values he wills.
48963 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
48965 The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
48966 is an emerging underachiever.
48968 The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
48971 "The subspace _
\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _
\bV. And there aren't
48972 even any property taxes."
48973 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
48975 The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
48976 yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
48977 -- The Silver Surfer
48979 The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
48980 The population is, of course, growing.
48982 The sum of the Universe is zero.
48984 The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
48987 The sun was shining on the sea,
48988 Shining with all his might:
48989 He did his very best to make
48990 The billows smooth and bright --
48991 And this was very odd, because it was
48992 The middle of the night.
48994 "Through the Looking-Glass,
48995 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
48997 The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
48998 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
49000 The superfluous is very necessary.
49003 The superior man understands what is right;
49004 the inferior man understands what will sell.
49007 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
49008 way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
49009 whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
49010 side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies.
49011 Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
49015 The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
49017 The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
49020 The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
49022 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
49023 esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
49024 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
49026 The surest way to remain a winner is to
49027 win once, and then not play any more.
49029 The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
49030 Scratch a lover and find a foe!
49031 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
49033 The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
49035 The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
49037 The Tao doesn't take sides;
49038 it gives birth to both wins and losses.
49039 The Guru doesn't take sides;
49040 she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
49042 The Tao is like a stack:
49043 the data changes but not the structure.
49044 the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
49045 the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
49047 Hold on to the root.
49049 The Tao is like a glob pattern:
49050 used but never used up.
49051 It is like the extern void:
49052 filled with infinite possibilities.
49054 It is masked but always present.
49055 I don't know who built to it.
49056 It came before the first kernel.
49058 The tao that can be tar(1)ed
49059 is not the entire Tao.
49060 The path that can be specified
49061 is not the Full Path.
49063 We declare the names
49064 of all variables and functions.
49065 Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
49067 Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
49068 Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
49070 Yet magic and hierarchy
49071 arise from the same source,
49072 and this source has a null pointer.
49074 Reference the NULL within NULL,
49075 it is the gateway to all wizardry.
49077 The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
49078 artist never that he is a technician.
49079 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
49081 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
49083 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
49085 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
49086 data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
49087 shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
49088 as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
49089 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
49090 as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
49091 receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
49092 Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
49093 of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
49094 the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
49095 i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
49096 the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
49097 temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
49098 temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
49099 temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
49100 Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
49101 part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
49102 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
49103 or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
49104 then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
49105 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
49107 The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
49108 culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
49110 The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
49111 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
49112 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
49113 most untechnician-like manner.
49115 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
49116 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
49119 The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
49120 of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
49121 as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
49122 employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
49123 temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
49126 The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
49127 ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
49128 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
49130 The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
49133 The thing that takes up the least amount of time
49134 and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
49136 The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
49138 The Third Law of Photography:
49139 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
49140 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
49141 the dark leaks out.
49143 The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I
49145 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
49147 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
49151 Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
49154 Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
49155 I need a lot of sleep.
49156 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
49158 You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
49159 accurately it's called mudslinging.
49162 The Thought Police are here. They've come
49163 To put you under cardiac arrest.
49164 And as they drag you through the door
49165 They tell you that you've failed the test.
49166 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
49168 The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
49170 The three biggest software lies:
49172 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
49173 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
49174 will fix the microcode.
49175 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
49177 The three laws of thermodynamics:
49178 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
49179 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
49180 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
49182 THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
49184 1) Where's the bathroom?
49185 2) What time does the parade start?
49186 3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
49188 The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
49189 soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with
49191 -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
49193 The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
49194 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
49195 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
49197 The three rules of international air travel:
49199 (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
49200 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
49201 (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
49202 know *exactly* what you're doing.
49203 (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
49205 The thrill is here, but it won't last long
49206 You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
49208 The time for action is past!
49209 Now is the time for senseless bickering.
49211 The time is right to make new friends.
49213 The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
49214 committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
49217 The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
49218 The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
49219 Judgment Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
49220 mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
49221 men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
49222 The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
49223 the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
49224 Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
49225 them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
49226 it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
49227 choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
49231 The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
49234 The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
49236 The tree of research must from time to time
49237 be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
49240 The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
49241 but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
49244 The trouble with a kitten is that
49245 When it grows up, it's always a cat
49248 The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
49250 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
49252 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
49254 -- Franklin P. Jones
49256 The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
49257 more important to do.
49259 The trouble with computers is that they do
49260 what you tell them, not what you want.
49263 The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
49264 appreciates how difficult it was.
49266 The trouble with eating Italian food is that
49267 five or six days later you're hungry again.
49270 The trouble with heart disease is that the first
49271 symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
49274 The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
49275 -- George S. Kaufman
49277 The trouble with money is it costs too much!
49279 The trouble with opportunity is that it
49280 always comes disguised as hard work.
49281 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
49283 The trouble with some women is that they get
49284 all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
49287 The trouble with superheroes is what to do between phone booths.
49290 The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
49291 the other fellow of a dull one.
49294 The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
49297 The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
49298 who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
49299 all of the people all of the time.
49302 The trouble with you
49303 Is the trouble with me.
49305 But we still don't see.
49306 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
49308 The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
49309 height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
49310 people stumble than to be walked upon.
49313 The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
49316 The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
49319 The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
49322 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
49325 The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
49328 The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
49331 The truth you speak has no past and no future.
49332 It is, and that's all it needs to be.
49334 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
49335 Which practically conceal its sex.
49336 I think it clever of the turtle
49337 In such a fix to be so fertile.
49340 The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
49343 The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
49346 The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
49347 -- George Bernard Shaw
49349 The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
49350 two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
49351 by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
49354 The two things that can get you into trouble
49355 quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
49357 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
49358 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
49361 The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
49362 And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
49363 There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
49364 So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
49366 So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh?
49367 And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
49368 They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
49370 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
49373 The ultimate game show will be the one
49374 where somebody gets killed at the end.
49375 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
49377 The unfacts, did we have them, are too
49378 imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
49380 The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
49381 "100 percent American"...
49382 -- U.S. Army (1945)
49384 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
49385 everybody and still nobody likes him.
49388 The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
49391 The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
49393 The universe is an island,
49394 surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
49396 The universe is laughing behind your back.
49398 The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
49399 combination is locked up in the safe.
49402 Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
49405 The Universe is populated by stable things.
49408 The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
49409 It cannot be ruled by interfering.
49412 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
49415 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
49416 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said
49417 to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his
49418 decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
49420 The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
49421 and deviation standard.
49423 The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
49424 hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
49426 The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
49427 that I assume it must be evil.
49430 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
49431 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
49432 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
49433 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
49434 world put together.
49435 -- Sir Peter Medawar
49437 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
49438 is a symptom of professional immaturity.
49439 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
49441 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
49442 regarded as a criminal offence.
49443 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
49445 The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
49446 -- Benjamin Franklin
49448 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
49450 The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
49454 The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
49458 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
49459 Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
49460 to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
49461 be one of the facts that needs altering.
49462 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Face of Evil"
49464 The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
49465 -- Miguel de Cervantes
49467 The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
49468 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
49469 surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
49470 gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
49471 expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
49472 bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
49473 The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
49474 the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
49475 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49477 The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
49478 to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
49481 The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
49484 The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
49485 restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
49486 dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
49487 sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
49488 then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
49489 A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
49490 to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
49492 The voters have spoken, the bastards...
49494 The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
49495 it's just a tired feeling.
49497 The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
49499 The wages of sin are unreported.
49501 The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
49504 The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
49505 that would be clearly understood.
49508 The water was not fit to drink.
49509 To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
49510 By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
49511 -- Winston Churchill
49513 The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
49514 incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
49517 The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
49520 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
49522 The way to a man's heart is through his
49523 wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
49524 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
49526 The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
49528 The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
49530 The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
49532 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
49534 The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
49535 with a large fortune.
49537 The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
49538 My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
49539 My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
49540 Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
49541 I feel together today!
49542 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
49544 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
49546 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
49547 but the leaves are good to smoke!
49550 The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
49551 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.
49552 "Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely,
49553 "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
49554 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
49556 The white race is the cancer of history.
49559 The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
49562 The whole of life is futile unless you
49563 consider it as a sporting proposition.
49565 The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
49566 so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
49567 -- Bertrand Russell
49569 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
49572 The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
49575 The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
49576 Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
49577 It must have blown through someone's feet,
49578 Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
49581 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
49582 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
49586 The wise man seeks everything in himself;
49587 the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
49589 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
49591 The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
49592 medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
49593 she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
49594 live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
49595 throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
49596 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
49597 to get up in the morning!"
49599 The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
49600 is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
49602 The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
49603 we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
49604 and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
49605 of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
49606 We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
49607 ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
49610 The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
49611 designed for people who walk on their hands.
49612 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
49614 The world is a comedy to those who think,
49615 and a tragedy to those who feel.
49618 The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
49620 The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
49622 The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
49624 The world is full of people who have never, since
49625 childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
49628 The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
49629 it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
49632 The world is not octal despite DEC.
49634 The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
49635 It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
49636 You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
49637 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
49639 The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
49641 The world really isn't any worse.
49642 It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
49644 The world wants to be deceived.
49647 The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
49649 The world's as ugly as sin,
49650 And almost as delightful.
49651 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
49653 The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
49654 nor its great scholars great men.
49655 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
49657 The Worst American Poet
49658 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
49659 Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
49660 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
49661 of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
49663 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
49664 formula was the same:
49665 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
49666 Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife?
49667 Of their death I will relate,
49668 And also others lost their life
49669 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
49670 Where so many people died.
49671 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
49672 the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
49673 river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
49674 a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
49675 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
49676 suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
49677 forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
49678 beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
49679 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49681 THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
49683 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
49684 Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
49685 had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
49686 sheepishly left the building.
49687 A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
49688 robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
49689 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
49690 was a practical joke.
49691 Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
49692 clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
49693 trapped in the revolving doors again.
49695 The Worst Car Hire Service
49696 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
49697 as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
49698 shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
49699 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
49700 conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
49701 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
49702 he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
49703 round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
49704 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
49705 admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
49706 overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
49707 we might overlook that too."
49708 "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled
49709 into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
49711 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49713 The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
49714 -- George Bernard Shaw
49716 THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
49718 This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
49719 expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
49720 in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
49721 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49723 The worst is enemy of the bad.
49725 The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
49729 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
49730 one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
49731 remotest clue what was happening.
49732 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
49733 evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
49734 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
49735 juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
49736 speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
49737 was hearing a murder trial.
49738 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
49739 from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
49740 and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
49741 The judge ordered a retrial.
49742 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49744 The Worst Lines of Verse
49745 For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
49746 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
49747 Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
49748 these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
49749 laughter the instant they were read out.
49750 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
49751 inspired by the subject of war.
49752 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
49753 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
49754 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
49755 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
49756 By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
49757 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
49758 While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
49759 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
49760 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
49761 George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
49762 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
49763 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
49764 William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
49765 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
49766 While in this world, are liable to leak."
49767 And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
49769 "I've measured it from side to side;
49770 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
49771 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49773 The Worst Musical Trio
49774 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
49775 a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
49776 instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
49777 gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
49778 violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
49779 unhampered by great musical talent.
49780 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
49781 concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
49782 A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
49783 Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
49784 in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
49785 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
49786 "and it will be a sell out."
49787 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
49788 audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
49789 asked for someone to turn his pages.
49790 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
49791 volunteered and made his way to the stage.
49792 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
49793 music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
49794 Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
49795 the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
49796 But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
49797 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49799 The worst part of having success is trying
49800 to find someone who is happy for you.
49803 The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
49805 The Worst Prison Guards
49806 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
49807 maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
49808 near Lisbon in Portugal.
49809 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
49810 warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
49811 included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
49812 of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
49813 planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
49814 not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
49815 "covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
49816 water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
49817 The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
49818 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
49819 because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
49821 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
49822 one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
49823 eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the jail's
49824 population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
49825 Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
49826 "legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
49827 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49829 The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
49830 but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
49831 -- George Bernard Shaw
49833 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
49835 -- William Butler Yeats
49837 The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
49838 wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
49839 if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
49842 The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly.
49843 They were just the first not to crash.
49845 The yankees, son, are up north.
49846 The damnyankees are down here.
49848 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
49849 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
49852 The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
49853 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
49854 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
49856 The young lady had an unusual list,
49857 Linked in part to a structural weakness.
49858 She set no preconditions.
49860 The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
49861 to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
49862 found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
49863 He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
49864 rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
49865 golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
49866 "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
49867 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
49868 they only charge $1 a ball!"
49869 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
49872 THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
49874 Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
49875 and you'd better not refuse.
49879 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
49881 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
49882 then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
49885 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
49886 not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
49888 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
49889 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
49890 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
49891 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
49893 Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
49894 incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
49895 acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
49896 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
49898 Then here's to the City of Boston,
49899 The town of the cries and the groans.
49900 Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
49901 And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
49902 -- Franklin Pierce Adams
49904 Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
49905 I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
49909 Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
49911 Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
49912 Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
49913 when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
49914 to the "W" on the dial.
49917 He who has a Tates is lost!
49919 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
49920 it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
49923 Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
49925 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
49926 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
49928 Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
49929 Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
49930 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
49931 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
49933 Proceed by induction:
49934 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
49937 Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
49938 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
49939 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
49941 Theorem: All programs are dull.
49943 Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
49944 nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
49945 sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
49946 the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
49947 the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
49948 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
49951 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
49952 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
49953 it will look in print.
49955 Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
49956 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
49958 Theory of Selective Supervision:
49959 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
49960 the one time the boss walks through the office.
49962 There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
49963 armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
49964 shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
49965 realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
49966 body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
49967 sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
49968 He speaks with a commanding voice:
49970 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
49972 As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
49974 There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
49975 the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
49978 There are a few things that never go out of style,
49979 and a feminine woman is one of them.
49982 There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
49983 -- Winston Churchill
49985 There are bad times just around the corner,
49986 There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
49987 And it's no good whining
49988 About a silver lining
49989 For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
49992 There are few people more often in the wrong
49993 than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
49995 There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
49996 and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
49997 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
49999 There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot,
50000 jury, and ammo. Please use in that order.
50003 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
50004 and praiseworthy ...
50005 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
50007 There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
50008 the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
50009 cannot know a woman, the divorce.
50012 There are many intelligent species in
50013 the universe, and they all own cats.
50015 There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
50016 about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
50017 about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
50018 get it in the winter.
50021 There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
50022 friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
50023 avoiding a great deal of pain.
50025 There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
50028 There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
50030 There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
50032 There are more things in heaven and earth,
50033 Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
50036 There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
50038 There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
50040 There are new messages.
50042 There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
50045 There are no answers, only cross-references.
50048 There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes
50049 are chosen correctly.
50051 There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
50053 There are no games on this system.
50055 There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
50056 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
50058 There are no great men, only great challenges that
50059 ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
50060 -- Admiral William Halsey
50062 There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
50063 -- The Duke of Wellington
50065 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
50066 of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
50067 competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
50068 some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
50069 -- Richard Davisson
50071 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
50072 of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
50074 There are no winners in life, only survivors.
50076 There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
50079 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
50081 There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
50082 taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
50085 There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the
50086 truth without lying.
50089 There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
50090 in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
50091 people who find nothing odd about it.
50094 There are places I'll remember
50095 All my life though some have changed.
50096 Some forever not for better
50097 Some have gone and some remain.
50098 All these places had their moments
50099 With lovers and friends I still recall.
50100 Some are dead and some are living,
50101 In my life I've loved them all.
50103 But of all these friends and lovers,
50104 There is no one compared with you,
50105 All these memories lose their meaning
50106 When I think of love as something new.
50107 Though I know I'll never lose affection
50108 For people and things that went before,
50109 I know I'll often stop and think about them
50110 In my life I'll love you more.
50111 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
50113 There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
50114 vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
50117 There are running jobs.
50118 Why don't you go chase them?
50120 There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
50121 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
50122 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
50125 There are strange things done in the midnight sun
50126 By the men who moil for gold;
50127 The Arctic trails have their secret tales
50128 That would make your blood run cold;
50129 The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
50130 But the queerest they ever did see
50131 Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
50132 I cremated Sam McGee.
50133 -- Robert W. Service
50135 There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
50136 is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
50139 There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
50140 fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
50141 and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
50142 wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
50143 your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
50144 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
50146 There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.
50147 -- Benjamin Disraeli
50149 There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
50151 There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
50152 from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
50153 loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
50155 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
50156 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
50157 a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
50158 of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
50159 affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
50160 When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
50161 Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
50162 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
50164 There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
50165 engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
50167 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
50169 There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
50170 the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
50171 world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
50172 long winter evenings.
50175 There are three rules for writing a novel.
50176 Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
50177 -- W. Somerset Maugham
50179 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring
50180 the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many
50181 facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next
50182 fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent
50183 Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's
50184 Factor; that's engineering.
50186 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
50190 There are three things I have always loved
50191 and never understood -- art, music, and women.
50193 There are three things men can do with women:
50194 love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
50197 There are three ways to get something done:
50199 2. Hire someone to do it for you.
50200 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
50202 There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
50205 There are twenty-five people left in the world,
50206 and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
50209 There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
50210 together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
50211 struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
50212 the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
50213 room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
50214 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
50215 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
50217 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
50218 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
50219 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
50220 I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
50221 Man it is smokin'!"
50222 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
50224 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
50225 and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
50226 I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
50227 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
50229 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
50230 And one says, "This is new, and therefore better."
50231 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
50233 There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
50234 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
50236 There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
50237 the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
50238 sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
50239 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
50241 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
50242 We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
50243 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
50245 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
50246 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
50248 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
50250 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
50251 marriage and after marriage.
50253 There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
50254 make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
50255 other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
50259 There are two ways of disliking art.
50260 One is to dislike it.
50261 The other is to like it rationally.
50264 There are two ways of disliking poetry;
50265 one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
50268 There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one
50271 There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
50272 suitable application of high explosives.
50274 There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
50275 with an insurance salesman?
50278 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
50279 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
50280 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
50281 together we'll face the world.
50282 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
50284 There but for the grace of God, goes God.
50285 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps
50287 There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
50290 There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
50293 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
50296 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
50297 has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
50300 There comes a time to stop being angry.
50301 -- A Small Circle of Friends
50303 There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer
50307 There goes the good time that was had by all.
50308 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
50310 There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
50311 For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
50312 permissions for everyone, you could say
50314 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
50316 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
50317 hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
50319 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
50320 is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
50321 the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
50322 being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
50323 name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
50324 -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
50325 recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
50326 was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
50327 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
50329 There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
50330 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
50332 There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
50335 There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
50337 There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
50338 is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
50339 vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
50340 stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
50342 Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
50343 elevator with one other person from each floor?
50344 A: The elevator would be full.
50346 There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
50347 is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
50348 you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
50349 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles"
50351 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
50355 There is a fly on your nose.
50357 There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
50358 and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
50359 each other's throat.
50360 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
50362 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
50363 paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
50365 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
50367 There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
50368 his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
50369 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
50371 There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
50372 tied during the month of April.
50374 There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
50377 There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
50378 wooden toilet seats.
50380 It's called the Birch John Society.
50382 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
50383 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
50384 disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
50387 There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
50388 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
50390 There is a time in the tides of men,
50391 Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
50392 On the other hand, don't count on it.
50395 There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
50396 is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
50399 There is always more hell that needs raising.
50402 There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
50404 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
50406 There is always someone worse off than yourself.
50408 There is always something new out of Africa.
50409 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
50411 There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
50412 has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
50413 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
50415 There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
50416 "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
50419 There is brutality and there is honesty.
50420 There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
50422 There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the
50423 Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're
50424 a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s.
50427 There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
50428 having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
50429 whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
50430 gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
50431 most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
50434 There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
50435 not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
50437 There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
50438 -- Arthur C. Clarke
50440 There is in certain living souls
50441 A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
50442 So great it must be shared
50443 As company is shared by lesser beings.
50444 Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
50446 There is one lonelier than you.
50448 There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
50449 however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
50450 Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
50451 discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
50452 on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
50453 even highly probable.
50454 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
50456 There *__
\b\bis* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
50458 There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
50459 and we will conquer. Follow me.
50460 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
50462 There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
50463 man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
50464 -- G. K. Chesterton
50466 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
50467 -- Mohandas K. Gandhi
50469 There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
50472 There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
50473 always enough time to do it over.
50475 There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
50477 There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
50478 is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
50479 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
50481 There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
50482 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
50484 There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
50485 No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
50486 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
50488 There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
50489 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
50490 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
50491 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
50492 striving of the human race.
50493 -- Alfred North Whitehead
50495 There is no comfort without pain; thus
50496 we define salvation through suffering.
50499 There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
50500 -- George Santayana
50502 There is no delight the equal of dread.
50503 As long as it is somebody else's.
50506 There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
50508 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
50511 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
50512 filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
50513 as "unearned income."
50516 There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
50517 education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
50519 There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
50520 parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
50521 child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
50522 picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
50523 Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
50524 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
50526 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
50528 There is no fool to the old fool.
50531 There is no future in time travel.
50533 There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
50535 There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
50536 armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
50537 -- Ernest Hemingway
50539 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
50540 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
50542 There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
50543 the dirt doesn't get any worse.
50546 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
50547 -- George Francis Gillette
50549 There is no point in waiting.
50550 The train stopped running years ago.
50551 All the schedules, the brochures,
50552 The bright-colored posters full of lies,
50553 Promise rides to a distant country
50554 That no longer exists.
50556 There is no proverb that is not true.
50559 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
50560 tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
50561 abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
50562 war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
50564 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
50566 There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
50567 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
50568 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
50570 There is no royal road to geometry.
50573 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
50575 There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
50576 -- George Bernard Shaw
50578 There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
50579 -- General Douglas MacArthur
50581 There is no sin but ignorance.
50582 -- Christopher Marlowe
50584 There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
50585 -- George Bernard Shaw
50587 There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
50589 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
50591 There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
50593 There is no such thing as a free lunch.
50595 There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
50597 There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
50598 the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
50601 There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
50603 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
50604 Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
50605 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
50607 There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
50608 some anxiety always goes with it.
50610 There is no time like the pleasant.
50612 There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
50615 There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
50616 There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
50618 There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
50619 family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
50620 the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
50621 live as cheap as the people.
50622 -- The Best of Will Rogers
50624 There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
50625 us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
50628 There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
50629 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
50631 There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
50632 -- Winston Churchill
50634 There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
50635 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
50637 There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
50638 -- Marie Antoinette
50640 There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
50641 when you do it reluctantly.
50642 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
50644 There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
50647 "There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine,"
50648 said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just
50649 a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable
50650 question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been
50651 there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
50652 the middle of the night?'"
50654 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
50656 There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
50657 ocean level wouldn't cure.
50660 There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
50661 is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
50663 There is one difference between a tax collector and
50664 a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
50667 There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
50668 "Yes" you know he is crooked.
50671 There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
50672 that is not being talked about.
50675 There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
50678 There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
50679 -- Robert A. Heinlein
50681 There is only one way to kill capitalism --
50682 by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
50685 There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
50686 and that word is blackmail.
50689 There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
50690 it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
50693 There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
50694 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
50696 There is something in the pang of change
50697 More than the heart can bear,
50698 Unhappiness remembering happiness.
50701 There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
50703 There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
50705 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
50706 constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
50710 There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
50711 States; of course, I never heard the story before.
50713 There must be more to life than having everything.
50716 There never was a good war or a bad peace.
50717 -- Benjamin Franklin
50719 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
50720 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
50721 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
50723 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
50724 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
50725 what would your decision be, my son?"
50726 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
50727 her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head."
50728 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
50730 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
50731 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
50732 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
50734 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
50735 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
50736 what would your decision be, my son?"
50737 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
50738 her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
50739 that I had promised."
50740 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
50742 There seems no plan because it is all plan.
50745 There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
50746 -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
50748 There was a little girl
50749 Who had a little curl
50750 Right in the middle of her forehead.
50751 When she was good, she was very, very good
50752 And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
50753 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
50755 There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
50756 with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
50757 was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
50758 over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
50759 to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
50760 and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
50761 able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
50762 around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
50763 him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
50764 to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
50765 hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
50766 the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
50767 cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
50768 her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
50769 course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
50770 sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
50771 to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
50772 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
50774 There was a phone call for you.
50776 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
50777 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
50778 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
50779 started debating who should be allowed to stay.
50781 The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
50782 over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
50783 would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley
50784 said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair
50785 thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
50788 There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
50789 no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
50790 every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
50792 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
50794 There was a young man from LeDoux,
50795 Whose limericks stopped at line two.
50797 There was a young man from Verdunne.
50799 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
50800 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
50801 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
50803 There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
50804 both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
50805 talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
50809 There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
50810 their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
50811 of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
50812 couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
50813 blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
50814 on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
50815 baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
50816 were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
50817 of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
50818 The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
50819 the squaws of the other two hides.
50821 There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
50822 in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
50823 that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
50824 practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
50825 to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
50826 necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
50827 (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
50828 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
50830 There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
50831 Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
50832 you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
50834 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
50835 like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
50836 you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
50837 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
50838 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
50839 in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
50840 pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
50841 he tells the counterman.
50842 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
50843 "You must be from New York."
50844 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
50846 "Because this is a hardware store."
50848 There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
50849 the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
50850 digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
50851 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
50852 transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
50853 stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
50854 feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
50855 systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
50856 first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
50857 satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
50858 telephone business?
50860 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
50861 the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
50863 There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
50865 There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
50868 Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
50869 this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
50872 There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
50873 ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
50874 pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
50875 hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
50876 least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
50877 Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
50878 pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
50879 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
50881 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
50884 There's a lesson that I need to remember
50885 When everything is falling apart
50886 In life, just like in loving
50887 There's such a thing as trying to hard
50890 Like you don't need the money
50891 Love like you'll never get hurt
50893 Like nobody's watching
50894 It's gotta come from the heart
50895 If you want it to work.
50898 There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
50899 allows you to install Windows.
50900 -- Matthew D. Fuller
50902 There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
50904 There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
50905 and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
50906 little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
50907 A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
50908 there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
50909 The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
50910 it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
50911 said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
50912 on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
50913 his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
50914 spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
50915 quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
50916 and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
50918 There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
50919 The corporation that we represent.
50920 We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
50921 Of that man of men our sterling president
50922 The name of T. J. Watson means
50923 A courage none can stem
50924 And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
50925 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
50927 There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
50928 recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
50929 let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
50930 or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
50931 a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
50932 rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
50933 living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
50934 action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
50935 best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
50936 We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
50937 are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
50938 along -- quite gracefully.
50941 There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
50944 There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
50946 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
50948 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
50949 don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
50953 There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
50955 There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
50957 There's little in taking or giving,
50958 There's little in water or wine:
50959 This living, this living, this living,
50960 Was never a project of mine.
50961 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
50962 The gain of the one at the top,
50963 For art is a form of catharsis,
50964 And love is a permanent flop,
50965 And work is the province of cattle,
50966 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
50967 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
50968 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
50971 There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
50972 whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
50975 There's no justice in this world.
50976 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano
50977 by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after
50978 Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch
50979 Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz
50982 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
50983 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
50985 There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
50988 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
50991 There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
50993 There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
50994 what you're talking about.
50995 -- John von Neumann
50997 There's no such thing as an original sin.
51000 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
51004 There's no use being precise about something
51005 when you don't even know what you're talking about.
51006 -- John von Neumann
51008 There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
51010 There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
51012 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
51014 There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
51015 neckline to keep a man on his toes.
51017 There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man
51018 appreciate his wife.
51019 -- Clare Booth Luce
51021 There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
51023 There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
51025 There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
51026 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
51029 There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
51030 work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
51033 There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
51037 There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
51038 nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
51040 There's nothing worse for your business than
51041 extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
51044 There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
51045 reasoning with them won't aggravate.
51047 There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
51048 always see somebody who did worse.
51049 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
51051 There's one fool at least in every married couple.
51053 There's only one everything.
51055 There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
51056 what it is I'll get married again.
51059 There's small choice in rotten apples.
51060 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
51062 There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
51063 becoming an endangered synthetic.
51066 There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
51068 There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
51069 Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
51072 There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
51073 If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
51075 There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
51076 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
51078 There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
51079 -- Richard Le Gallienne
51081 These activities have their own rules and methods
51082 of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
51083 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
51085 "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
51086 "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
51087 "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
51088 out of MEGATON MAN!"
51090 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
51091 used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
51093 They also serve who only stand and wait.
51096 They also surf who only stand on waves.
51098 They are called computers simply because computation is
51099 the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
51101 They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
51102 what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
51103 life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
51104 -- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
51105 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
51107 They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
51108 when they can see nothing but sea.
51111 They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
51112 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
51114 They call them "squares" because it's the
51115 most complicated shape they can deal with.
51117 They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
51118 -- The Blues Brothers
51120 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
51121 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words,
51122 Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
51124 They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
51125 try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
51126 man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
51127 only want to count to two.
51128 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
51130 They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
51131 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
51132 question about the suffering of starving miners.
51134 They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
51136 They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
51137 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
51139 They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by
51140 Russians with Greek->German dictionaries
51141 -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation
51143 They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
51145 They make a desert and call it peace.
51146 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
51148 They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
51149 especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
51150 but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
51151 -- Richard M. Nixon
51153 They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
51154 not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
51155 learn this particular lesson.
51156 -- Richard Stallman
51158 They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
51159 system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
51160 we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
51162 I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
51163 my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
51164 then we take Berlin.
51166 I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
51167 and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station?
51168 I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
51169 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
51171 They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
51172 always spell better than they pronounce.
51175 They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
51176 safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
51177 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
51179 They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
51181 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
51182 About a month before. Their hair began to curl
51183 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
51184 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
51186 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
51187 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
51188 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
51189 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
51191 My notion was to start again
51192 Ignoring all they'd done
51193 We quickly turned it into code
51194 To see if it would run.
51196 They took some of the Van Goghs, most
51197 of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
51199 They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
51200 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
51202 They use different words for things in America.
51203 For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
51204 They say drapes and we say curtains.
51205 They say president and we say brain damaged git.
51208 They went rushing down that freeway,
51209 Messed around and got lost.
51210 They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
51211 And it was life in the fast lane.
51212 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
51214 They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
51215 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads
51217 They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
51218 The man said "We got all that we can use",
51219 So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
51220 Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
51223 They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
51224 back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
51225 of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
51229 They're basically very smelly houseplants until they get to the crawling
51230 age. You're constantly terrified that they're going to randomly die on
51231 you, but the rules for preventing that outcome are straightforward and
51233 -- Thomas Ptacek, giving advice to a new father
51235 They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
51236 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
51238 They're just jealous because they don't have three
51239 wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
51240 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
51241 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
51243 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
51245 They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
51249 Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
51250 their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
51251 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
51253 Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
51254 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
51256 Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
51258 Things are not always what they seem.
51261 Things Charles Darwin did not say:
51263 Finches, eh? Seen one, seem 'em all.
51265 Things Charles Darwin did not say:
51267 Nah, it's only a theory - I don't think it should be taught in schools.
51269 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
51271 Things past redress and now with me past care.
51272 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
51274 Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
51276 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
51279 Things worth having are worth cheating for.
51281 Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
51283 Think honk if you're a telepath.
51285 Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
51288 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
51290 Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer
51296 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
51298 Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
51299 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
51301 Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
51302 It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
51303 Have made my days and nights imperishable,
51304 Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
51305 Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
51306 Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
51307 But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
51308 Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
51310 Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
51311 when the hostess has only twelve chops.
51314 Thirty days hath Septober,
51315 April, June, and no wonder.
51316 all the rest have peanut butter
51317 except my father who wears red suspenders.
51319 Thirty white horses on a red hill,
51322 Then they stand still.
51325 This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
51326 Everye nighte and alle,
51327 Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
51328 And Christe receive thy saule.
51329 -- The Lykewake Dirge
51331 This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
51332 speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
51333 batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
51334 deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
51335 Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
51336 spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
51337 beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
51338 pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
51339 half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
51340 a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
51341 individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
51342 limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
51344 This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
51345 (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
51346 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
51348 This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
51350 This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
51351 intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which they
51352 are addressed. If you are not the intended recipient of this
51353 transmission, please delete it immediately.
51355 Obviously, I am the idiot who sent it to you by mistake. Furthermore,
51356 there is no way I can force you to delete it. Worse, by the time you
51357 have reached this disclaimer you have already read the document.
51358 Telling you to forget it would seem absurd. In any event, I have no
51359 legal right to force you to take any action upon this email anyway.
51361 This entire disclaimer is just a waste of everyone's time and
51362 bandwidth. Therefore, let us just forget the whole thing and enjoy a
51364 -- found on the dovecot mailinglist
51366 This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
51368 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
51369 need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
51370 random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
51371 up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
51372 all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
51374 This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
51376 This fortune intentionally not included.
51378 This fortune intentionally says nothing.
51380 This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
51381 invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
51383 This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
51385 This fortune is false.
51387 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
51389 This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
51391 This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
51393 This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
51395 This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
51396 We have emotional moving vans.
51399 This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
51400 bags! I just won the California lottery!"
51401 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
51402 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
51403 of the house by dinner!"
51405 This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
51406 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
51408 This is a good time to punt work.
51410 This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
51414 This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
51415 actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
51417 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
51418 Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
51420 This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
51421 because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
51422 which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
51423 "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
51424 consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
51425 rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
51426 oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
51427 Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
51428 over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
51429 innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
51430 passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
51431 amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
51432 apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
51433 and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
51434 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
51436 This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
51438 This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
51439 Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
51440 and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
51442 This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
51443 and not enough hunchbacks.
51445 This is for all ill-treated fellows
51446 Unborn and unbegot,
51447 For them to read when they're in trouble
51451 This is Jim Rockford.
51452 At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
\a
51454 This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
51456 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
51458 This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
51459 his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
51460 Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
51462 This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
51463 I don't talk to machines! [Click]
51465 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
51467 This is NOT a repeat.
51469 This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
51470 spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
51471 who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
51472 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
51474 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
51476 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
51477 contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
51478 without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
51479 contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
51480 can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
51481 for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
51482 difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
51483 and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
51484 "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
51485 you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
51486 Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
51487 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
51488 Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
51489 more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ...
51491 This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
51492 Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
51494 This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
51495 meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
51496 and come alone. I'm serious!
51498 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
51499 which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
51500 -- Arthur C. Clarke
51502 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
51503 power of computers:
51505 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct
51506 the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a
51507 minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The
51508 results are that one should eat each day:
51512 1 glass of skim milk
51513 27 heads of lettuce.
51514 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
51516 This is the ____
\b\b\b\bLAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
51518 This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
51519 -- Winston Churchill
51521 This is the story of the bee
51522 Whose sex is very hard to see
51524 You cannot tell the he from the she
51525 But she can tell, and so can he
51527 The little bee is never still
51528 She has no time to take the pill
51530 And that is why, in times like these
51531 There are so many sons of bees.
51533 This is the theory that Jack built.
51534 This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
51535 This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
51537 This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
51538 And now you know why.
51540 This is the way the world ends,
51541 This is the way the world ends,
51542 This is the way the world ends,
51543 Not with a bang but with a whimper.
51544 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
51546 This is your fortune.
51548 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
51549 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
51551 This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
51552 constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
51553 been called by others the fiddle factor..."
51554 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture
51556 This land is full of trousers!
51557 this land is full of mausers!
51558 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
51559 -- The Firesign Theatre
51561 This land is made of mountains,
51562 This land is made of mud,
51563 This land has lots of everything,
51564 For me and Elmer Fudd.
51566 This land has lots of trousers,
51567 This land has lots of mousers,
51568 And pussycats to eat them
51569 When the sun goes down.
51571 This land is my land, and only my land,
51572 I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
51573 If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
51574 This land is private property.
51575 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
51577 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
51578 you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
51581 This life is yours. Some of it was given
51582 to you; the rest, you made yourself.
51584 This login session: $13.99
51586 This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
51588 This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
51590 This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
51591 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
51593 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
51597 This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
51598 are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
51599 who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
51600 don't actually hurt.
51601 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
51602 Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
51603 hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
51604 man enough to take me on?"
51605 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
51606 Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
51607 tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
51608 a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
51609 Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
51610 "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
51611 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
51612 charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
51613 After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
51614 crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
51615 "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
51616 replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
51618 This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
51619 got to find a way off this planet.
51621 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
51622 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
51623 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
51624 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
51625 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
51626 paper that were unhappy.
51627 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
51629 This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
51630 something child-like.
51631 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
51633 This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
51634 persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
51635 assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
51636 shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
51637 condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
51638 Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
51639 indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
51640 or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
51641 penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled
51642 check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
51643 are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
51644 offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
51645 Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
51646 not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
51647 toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
51648 appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
51649 not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
51650 paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
51651 suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
51652 strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
51653 are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
51654 all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
51656 This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
51657 student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
51659 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
51660 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
51661 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
51662 which identifies errors in the original program.
51664 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
51665 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
51666 often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
51667 adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
51670 This screen intentionally left blank.
51672 This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
51673 -- Douglas Hofstadter
51675 This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
51677 This sentence no verb.
51679 This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
51681 This thing all things devours:
51682 Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
51683 Gnaws iron, bites steel;
51684 Grinds hard stones to meal;
51685 Slays king, ruins town,
51686 And beats high mountain down.
51688 This unit... must... survive.
51690 This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
51691 contents may have occurred during shipment.
51693 This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
51694 dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
51695 pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
51696 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
51698 This was the most unkindest cut of all.
51699 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
51701 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
51702 This was terrible with raisins in it.
51705 This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
51707 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
51709 This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
51710 The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
51711 could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
51712 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
51713 wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
51714 pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
51715 and was lying about twenty feet away.
51716 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
51717 "Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
51719 Those lovable Brits department:
51720 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
51722 Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
51725 Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
51727 Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
51728 are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
51729 at are called software.
51730 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
51731 Literacy for the 1990's.
51733 Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
51734 learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
51737 Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
51741 Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
51743 Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
51744 Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
51746 Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
51749 Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
51750 -- George Santayana
51752 Those who can't write, write manuals.
51754 Those who claim the dead never return
51755 to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
51757 Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
51760 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
51763 Those who do things in a noble spirit of
51764 self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
51767 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
51768 for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
51771 Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
51772 surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
51775 Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
51776 Often have a share in their misfortunes.
51777 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
51779 Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
51780 world is love. The poor know that it is money.
51783 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
51785 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
51786 will make violent revolution inevitable.
51789 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
51790 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
51791 without the roar of its many waters.
51792 -- Frederick Douglass
51794 Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
51795 Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
51796 While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
51797 PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
51798 Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung.
51800 Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
51801 Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
51802 Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
51803 Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
51804 The highest rung. In his bung.
51806 Because in life they prayed so ill
51807 And offered god such swinish swill
51808 Now they sweat in flames of hell
51809 Sweat from lack of APL
51812 Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
51814 Thou hast seen nothing yet.
51815 -- Miguel de Cervantes
51817 Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
51819 -- The Tao of Programming
51821 Though I respect that a lot
51822 I'd be fired if that were my job
51823 After killing Jason off and
51824 Countless screaming argonauts
51826 Bluebird of friendliness
51827 Like guardian angels it's
51830 Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
51831 Who watches over you
51832 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
51833 Not to put too fine a point on it
51834 Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
51835 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
51837 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
51839 Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
51841 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
51842 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
51843 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
51844 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
51845 fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
51846 more about the matter than the others.
51847 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
51849 Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
51852 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
51853 -- Benjamin Franklin
51855 Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
51856 all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
51857 "Old MacDonald had a . . ."
51859 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
51860 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
51861 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
51862 service station," said the Missourian.
51864 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
51865 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell `farm.'"
51866 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
51868 Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
51869 is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
51872 Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
51873 late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
51874 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
51876 Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
51877 Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
51878 Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
51879 One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
51880 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
51881 One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
51882 One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
51883 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
51884 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
51886 Three rules for sounding like an expert:
51887 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
51888 2. Always point out second-order effects,
51889 but never point out when they can be ignored.
51890 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
51892 Throw away documentation and manuals,
51893 and users will be a hundred times happier.
51894 Throw away privileges and quotas,
51895 and users will do the Right Thing.
51896 Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
51897 and there won't be any pirating.
51899 If these three aren't enough,
51900 just stay at your home directory
51901 and let all processes take their course.
51903 Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
51904 what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
51905 -- Bertrand Russell
51907 Thus spake the master programmer:
51908 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
51910 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51912 Thus spake the master programmer:
51913 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
51914 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51916 Thus spake the master programmer:
51917 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
51919 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51921 Thus spake the master programmer:
51922 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
51924 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51926 Thus spake the master programmer:
51927 "Time for you to leave."
51928 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51930 Thus spake the master programmer:
51931 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
51932 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51934 Thus spake the master programmer:
51935 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
51936 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
51937 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51939 Thus spake the master programmer:
51940 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
51941 hardware is useless."
51942 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51944 Thus spake the master programmer:
51945 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
51946 can't make him computer literate."
51947 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51950 Everything goes wrong at once.
51952 Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
51953 Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
51954 Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
51955 Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
51957 Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
51958 Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
51959 You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
51960 And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
51962 And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
51963 And racing around to come up behind you again
51964 The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
51965 Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
51967 Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
51969 Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
51970 Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
51971 Or half a page of scribbled lines
51972 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
51976 Quite unaccountably
51986 Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
51988 Tiger got to sleep,
51990 Man got to tell himself he understand.
51991 -- The Books of Bokonon
51993 Time and tide wait for no man.
51995 Time as he grows old teaches all things.
51998 Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
52000 Time goes, you say?
52002 Time stays, *we* go.
52005 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
52008 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
52009 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
52011 Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
52013 Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
52014 -- Henry David Thoreau
52016 Time is nature's way of making sure that
52017 everything doesn't happen at once.
52019 Space is nature's way of making sure that
52020 everything doesn't happen to you.
52022 Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
52025 Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
52027 Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
52029 Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
52031 Time to take stock.
52032 Go home with some office supplies.
52035 Love's wounds unseen.
52036 That's what someone told me;
52037 But I don't know what it means.
52038 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
52040 Time will end all my troubles,
52041 but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
52043 Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
52044 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
52047 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
52049 Timing must be perfect now.
52050 Two-timing must be better than perfect.
52053 Never fry bacon in the nude.
52055 Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
52058 Tip the world over on its side and
52059 everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
52060 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
52062 TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
52063 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
52064 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
52065 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
52066 they would ordinarily.
52067 There is no music in space.
52068 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
52069 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
52071 TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
52072 force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
52073 the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
52074 to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
52075 recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
52076 Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
52077 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
52078 never been easier."
52079 Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
52080 it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
52081 components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
52082 work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the
52083 magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
52084 much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
52085 But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
52086 Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
52087 Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
52088 Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
52089 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
52090 available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
52092 Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
52094 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
52097 'Tis the dream of each programmer,
52098 Before his life is done,
52099 To write three lines of APL,
52100 And make the damn things run.
52102 To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
52103 is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
52104 stopping at red lights are both optional.
52105 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52107 To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
52108 above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
52109 to spend a few days there.
52110 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52112 To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
52113 in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
52114 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52116 To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
52117 in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
52118 only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
52119 Swedes speak better English.
52120 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52122 To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
52123 a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
52125 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52127 To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
52128 To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
52129 oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
52132 To add insult to injury.
52135 To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
52136 to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
52137 servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
52138 -- Theodore Roosevelt
52140 To any truly impartial person, it would
52141 be obvious that I am always right.
52143 To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
52146 To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
52149 To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
52150 should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
52153 To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
52154 than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
52156 To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
52157 Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
52160 To be great is to be misunderstood.
52161 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
52163 To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
52164 Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
52165 fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
52166 It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
52167 in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
52168 weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
52169 be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
52170 a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
52172 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
52174 To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
52176 To be is to be related.
52184 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
52190 To be loved is very demoralizing.
52191 -- Katharine Hepburn
52193 To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
52194 night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
52195 battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
52196 -- E. E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
52198 To be or not to be.
52207 To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
52209 To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
52210 but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
52213 To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
52214 this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
52215 offer in response is based on information available to make no such
52218 To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
52221 To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
52222 as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
52224 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
52225 call it the target.
52227 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
52229 To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
52231 To be wise, the only thing you really need
52232 to know is when to say "I don't know."
52234 To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
52235 you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
52236 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
52238 To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
52239 To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
52240 To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
52241 To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
52242 To write those routines
52243 To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
52244 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
52245 To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
52246 To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
52247 To this glorious quest,
52248 And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
52249 That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
52251 Still strove with his last allocation
52252 To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
52253 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
52255 To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
52258 To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
52259 may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
52260 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
52262 To craunch a marmoset.
52263 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
52265 To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far
52266 more important than the ability to say yes.
52269 To criticize the incompetent is easy;
52270 it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
52272 To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
52273 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
52275 To do nothing is to be nothing.
52277 To do two things at once is to do neither.
52280 To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
52281 convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
52284 To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
52285 of four kids and one bathroom.
52288 To err is human -- but it feels divine.
52291 To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
52293 To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
52295 To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
52297 To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
52298 before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
52300 To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
52302 To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
52304 To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
52306 To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
52308 To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
52310 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
52311 -- MIT Assassination Club
52313 To err is human, to forgive unusual.
52315 To err is human, to purr feline.
52316 To err is human, two curs canine.
52317 To err is human, to moo bovine.
52319 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
52320 -- Benjamin Franklin
52323 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
52331 To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
52334 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
52335 A time to be born, and a time to die;
52336 A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
52337 A time to kill, and a time to heal;
52338 A time to break down, and a time to build up;
52339 A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
52340 A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
52341 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
52342 A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
52343 A time to gain, and a time to lose;
52344 A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
52345 A time to tear, and a time to sew;
52346 A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
52347 A time to love, and a time to hate;
52348 A time of war, and a time of peace.
52351 To fear love is to fear life, and those
52352 who fear life are already three parts dead.
52353 -- Bertrand Russell
52355 To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
52358 To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
52359 -- Benjamin Franklin
52361 To generalize is to be an idiot.
52364 To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
52366 To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
52367 To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
52369 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
52370 men, two of them absent.
52372 To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
52374 To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
52376 To have died once is enough.
52377 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
52379 To hell with the Prime Directive;
52380 Let's KILL something!
52382 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
52385 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
52388 To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
52389 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
52391 To keep your friends treat them kindly;
52392 to kill them, treat them often.
52394 To know Edina is to reject it.
52395 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
52397 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
52399 To lead people, you must follow behind.
52402 To listen to some devout people,
52403 one would imagine that God never laughs.
52406 To love is good, love being difficult.
52408 To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
52410 To make tax forms true they should
52411 read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
52413 To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
52416 TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
52417 where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
52418 circus and a clown killed my dad.
52419 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
52421 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
52423 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail
52425 To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
52426 -- 19th century toast
52428 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
52430 To restore a sense of reality, I think
52431 Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
52434 To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
52436 To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
52437 but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
52438 micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
52439 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
52441 To say you got a vote of confidence
52442 would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
52445 To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
52447 To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
52448 and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
52449 agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
52450 There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
52451 it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
52452 tone, skillful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
52453 mind over matter; quite.
52454 -- Charles Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
52456 To see you is to sympathize.
52458 To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
52459 the job will take the longest and cost the most.
52461 To stand and be still,
52462 At the Birkenhead drill,
52463 Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
52466 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
52467 of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
52468 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
52470 To stay youthful, stay useful.
52472 To teach is to learn.
52474 To teach is to learn twice.
52477 To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
52479 To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
52481 To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
52484 To Theodore Roosevelt:
52485 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
52486 The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
52487 you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
52488 must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
52489 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
52491 Sultan to the Berbers
52492 Last of the Barbary Pirates
52494 To thine own self be true.
52495 (If not that, at least make some money.)
52497 To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
52501 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
52502 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
52503 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
52504 precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel,
52505 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
52506 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
52507 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
52508 secure ecological niche.
52509 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
52511 TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
52513 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
52514 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
52515 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
52516 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
52517 to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
52518 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
52519 or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your
52520 receiving said benefit.
52521 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
52522 yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
52523 as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
52524 in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
52526 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
52528 To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
52530 To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
52531 he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
52533 To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
52534 telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
52535 computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
52536 in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
52537 lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
52539 Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
52540 suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
52541 computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
52542 one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
52543 break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
52544 incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
52545 an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
52546 pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
52547 loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
52548 and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
52549 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
52552 To use violence is to already be defeated.
52555 To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
52557 To whom the mornings are like nights,
52558 What must the midnights be!
52559 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
52561 To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
52562 strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
52563 Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
52564 and take by force a satisfying mesh.
52565 Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
52566 You are the master here, and they the slaves.
52567 Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
52568 and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
52569 A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
52570 What use are words that drive not to the heart?
52571 A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
52572 and choose more docile words to take its part.
52573 A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
52574 by making love directly to the brain.
52576 To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
52579 Tobacco is a filthy weed,
52580 That from the devil does proceed;
52581 It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
52582 And makes a chimney of your nose.
52586 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
52588 Today is a good day for information-gathering.
52589 Read someone else's mail file.
52591 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
52593 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
52595 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
52597 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
52599 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
52601 Today is the last day of your life so far.
52603 Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
52605 Today is what happened to yesterday.
52607 Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
52608 except in major motion pictures.
52609 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
52611 Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
52612 cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
52615 Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
52617 Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
52619 And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
52620 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
52622 Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
52623 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
52624 spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
52627 Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
52628 -- Hunter S. Thompson
52630 Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
52633 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
52634 creating endless annoyance to male users.
52635 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
52637 Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
52640 Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
52641 but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
52643 Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
52645 Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
52647 Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
52650 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
52652 Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
52653 Don't forget to leave a tip.
52655 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
52657 Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
52658 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
52660 Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
52661 driving cabs and cutting hair.
52664 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
52665 real fast and freak everybody out.
52666 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
52668 Too clever is dumb.
52671 Too cool to calypso,
52672 Too tough to tango,
52673 Too weird to watusi
52677 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
52678 the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
52679 the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
52680 the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
52681 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
52683 Too many of his [Mozart's] works sound like interoffice memos.
52686 Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
52687 They seem more afraid of life than death.
52690 Too much is just enough.
52691 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
52693 Too much is not enough.
52695 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
52698 Too much of everything is just enough.
52701 Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
52703 -- Governor Jerry Brown
52705 Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
52706 anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
52707 in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
52709 [Once is too often. Ed.]
52711 Too ripped. Gotta go.
52713 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
52715 Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
52717 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
52718 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
52719 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
52720 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
52721 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
52722 assurance people in its wake.
52723 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
52724 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
52725 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
52726 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
52727 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
52728 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
52729 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
52731 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it!
52732 Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
52734 Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
52735 earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
52736 As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
52741 Follow these simple suggestions:
52743 (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
52744 (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
52745 (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
52747 (4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead.
52748 (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
52750 (6) Stop flipping pancakes
52752 Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
52754 10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
52755 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
52756 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
52758 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
52760 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
52761 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
52762 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
52763 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
52764 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
52765 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on "noalias".
52767 Topologists are just plane folks.
52768 Pilots are just plane folks.
52769 Carpenters are just plane folks.
52770 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
52771 Musicians are just playin' folks.
52772 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
52773 Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
52777 Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
52779 TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
52780 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
52782 Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
52783 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
52785 Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
52786 get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
52789 Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
52790 personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
52793 Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
52796 TRANSACTION CANCELED - FARECARD RETURNED
52799 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
52802 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
52803 "It's there, but you can't see it"
52804 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964
52807 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
52808 "I can see it, but it's not there."
52812 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
52814 Trap full -- please empty.
52817 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
52819 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
52821 Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
52824 Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
52825 "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
52826 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
52827 to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
52828 by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
52829 for a short spell?"
52831 Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
52834 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
52835 -- Charles DeGaulle
52837 Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
52840 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
52842 Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
52844 Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
52845 next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
52846 a brand new series of three.
52848 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
52849 in eucalyptus trees.
52851 Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
52853 True happiness will be found only in true love.
52855 True leadership is the art of changing
52856 a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
52859 True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
52860 personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
52863 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
52866 Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
52867 -- Norman Augustine
52869 Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
52870 -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
52872 Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
52876 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
52879 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
52881 Trust your husband, adore your husband,
52882 and get as much as you can in your own name.
52885 Truth can wait; he's used to it.
52887 Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
52888 -- Albert Schweitzer
52890 Truth is free, but information costs.
52892 Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
52894 Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.
52896 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
52899 Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
52900 of him that brought her birth.
52903 Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
52906 Dumb and illiterate.
52907 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
52911 Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
52919 Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
52921 Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
52923 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
52925 Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
52927 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done,
52928 is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written
52929 in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and
52930 pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
52931 defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
52932 absolutely perfect future.
52935 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
52937 Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
52939 Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
52940 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
52942 Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
52944 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
52945 specification is that it should run noiselessly.
52947 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
52950 Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____
\b\b\b\byell into keyboard.
52952 Trying to get an education here is like
52953 trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
52956 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
52958 Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
52960 Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
52962 Turn on, tune in, and take over.
52965 Turn the other cheek.
52969 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
52973 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
52975 TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
52976 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
52978 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
52979 and I never even had the decency to thank her.
52982 "Twas bergen and the eirie road
52983 Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
52984 All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
52985 And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
52986 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
52987 He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
52988 Long time the folsom foe he sought
52989 Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
52990 And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
52991 Came whippany through the englewood,
52992 One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
52994 The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
52995 He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
52996 He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
52997 He caldwell in his joy.
52998 Did mahwah into patterson:
52999 All jersey were the ocean groves,
53000 And the red bank bayonne.
53003 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
53004 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
53005 All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
53006 And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
53007 Beware the Jubjub bird,
53008 He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
53009 Long time the manxome foe he sought.
53010 So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
53011 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
53012 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
53013 One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
53015 The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
53016 He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
53017 And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
53018 He chortled in his joy.
53019 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
53020 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
53021 All mimsy were the borogroves
53022 And the mome raths outgrabe.
53023 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
53025 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
53026 Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
53027 All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
53028 By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
53029 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
53030 He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
53031 Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
53032 Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
53033 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
53034 Came waffling with the truth too good,
53035 Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
53037 The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
53038 It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
53039 He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
53040 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
53041 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
53042 Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
53043 All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
53044 And mammon's wrath them bash!
53045 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
53047 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
53048 Did gyre and gimble in their cave
53049 All mimsy was the CS-VAX
53050 And Cory raths outgrabe.
53052 "Beware the software rot, my son!
53053 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
53054 Beware the broken pipe, and shun
53055 The frumious system crash!"
53057 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
53058 Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
53059 So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
53060 To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
53062 The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
53063 Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
53064 Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
53065 On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
53067 She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
53068 Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
53069 As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
53070 And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
53071 -- Midnight On The Ocean
53073 'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
53074 When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
53075 Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
53076 A satellite spotted him making his way.
53077 The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
53078 Was ready for action, and started to fire!
53079 The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
53080 Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
53081 I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
53082 When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
53083 I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
53084 St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
53085 But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
53086 A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
53087 Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
53088 Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
53089 So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
53090 The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
53091 Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
53092 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
53093 It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
53094 If the crazy contraption would work very well.
53095 So after a trillion or two had been spent
53096 The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
53097 So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
53098 There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
53100 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
53101 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
53102 throughout our place of residence,
53103 Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
53104 possessors of this potential, including that
53105 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
53106 Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
53107 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
53108 Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
53109 imminent visitation from an eccentric
53110 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
53111 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
53113 Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
53116 Twenty two thousand days.
53117 Twenty two thousand days.
53119 It's all you've got.
53120 Twenty two thousand days.
53121 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
53123 Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
53124 in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
53125 was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
53126 fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
53127 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
53128 "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
53129 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
53130 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
53131 collision course with that ship.
53132 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
53133 a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
53134 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
53135 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
53137 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
53138 course 20 degrees."
53139 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
53140 battleship, change course 20 degrees."
53141 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
53143 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
53145 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
53148 Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
53150 Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
53151 penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
53152 "Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
53153 owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
53154 up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
53155 away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
53156 the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
53159 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
53160 barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
53161 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
53162 knows when to stop."
53164 Two heads are better than one.
53167 Two heads are more numerous than one.
53169 Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
53170 performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
53171 British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
53172 Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
53173 her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
53174 a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
53175 entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
53176 and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
53177 search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
53178 incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
53179 became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
53181 Two is company, three is an orgy.
53183 Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
53185 Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
53186 canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
53187 call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
53188 end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
53189 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
53190 are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
53191 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
53193 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
53194 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
53195 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
53196 he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
53198 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man
53199 said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The
53200 second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his
53201 chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded
53202 only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the
53203 courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten.
53204 If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is
53205 dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and
53206 must pay three silver pieces."
53208 Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
53210 Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
53211 with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
53212 toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
53213 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
53214 at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
53216 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
53217 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
53219 Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
53221 Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
53223 Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
53225 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
53226 the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
53227 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
53229 Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
53230 I forget the second.
53232 Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
53233 orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
53234 and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
53235 they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
53236 toasts him, "Skoal!"
53237 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
53238 here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
53240 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
53243 Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
53246 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
53248 Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
53249 In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
53250 What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
53251 Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
53253 Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
53254 The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
53255 On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
53256 What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
53258 And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
53259 Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
53260 And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
53261 What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
53263 Could fetch it from the furnace deep
53264 And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
53265 In the well of sanguine woe?
53266 In what clay & in what mould
53267 Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
53268 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
53270 Type louder, please.
53272 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
53273 Run right up and rub its horn.
53274 Look at all those points you're losing!
53275 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
53276 -- The Roguelet's ABC
53278 Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex.
53279 (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
53280 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
53282 Udall's Fourth Law:
53283 Any change or reform you make
53284 is going to have consequences you don't like.
53286 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
53288 Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
53289 straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
53290 Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
53291 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
53293 Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
53294 Sorry for the confusion.
53295 -- Sun Microsystems
53297 Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
53298 woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
53299 leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
53300 coughing and drops dead.
53301 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
53303 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
53304 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
53305 hammer or get a splinter in it.
53307 Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
53308 just man is also in prison.
53309 -- Henry David Thoreau
53311 Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
53312 ordinance under which you can be booked.
53313 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
53315 Under deadline pressure for the next week.
53316 If you want something, it can wait.
53317 Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
53319 Under every stone lurks a politician.
53322 Under the wide and heavy VAX
53323 Dig my grave and let me relax
53324 Long have I lived, and many my hacks
53325 And I lay me down with a will.
53326 These be the words that tell the way:
53327 "Here he lies who piped 64K,
53328 Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
53329 And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
53331 Under the wide and starry sky,
53332 Dig my grave and let me lie,
53333 Glad did I live and gladly die,
53334 And laid me down with a will,
53335 And this be the verse that you grave for me,
53336 Here he lies where he longed to be,
53337 Home is the sailor home from the sea,
53338 And the hunter home from the hill.
53341 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
53342 Superiority is recessive.
53345 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
53346 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
53347 basis of your own internal model instead.
53349 Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
53350 in relation to a bigger problem.
53353 Unfair animal names:
53355 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
53356 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
53357 -- sapsucker -- Clarence
53360 UNFAIR COMPETITION:
53361 Selling cheaper than we do.
53363 Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
53364 friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
53365 throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
53366 slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
53369 Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
53373 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
53375 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the
53376 Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
53377 all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of
53378 all the patriots of every persuasion.
53380 Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
53387 Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
53388 in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
53391 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
53392 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
53393 you how to fix it, and...
53395 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
53396 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
53398 University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
53401 UNIX enhancements aren't.
53403 Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
53404 of more feet, just to be sure.
53408 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory
53410 Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
53411 hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
53412 but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
53413 People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
53414 world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
53416 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
53418 Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
53421 UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
53422 lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
53423 -- Michael Jay Tucker
53425 UNIX is many things to many people,
53426 but it's never been everything to anybody.
53428 Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
53432 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
53433 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
53434 with the workstation harem.
53436 unix soit qui mal y pense
53438 UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
53439 Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
53440 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
53442 UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
53443 would also stop you from doing clever things.
53446 Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
53448 Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
53449 between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
53450 and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
53451 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
53453 Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
53454 of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
53455 a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
53456 be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
53458 -- William Shakespeare
53460 Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
53464 If it happens, it must be possible.
53466 Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
53467 unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
53470 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out
53471 twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
53474 Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
53478 What you left out on April 15th.
53480 Up against the net, redneck mother,
53481 Mother who has raised your son so well;
53482 He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
53483 Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
53485 Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
53487 Use a pun, go to jail.
53489 Use an accordion. Go to jail.
53490 -- KFOG, San Francisco
53492 Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
53493 if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
53496 USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
53497 more labor and less oratory.
53503 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
53506 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
53507 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
53509 [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
53510 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
53512 Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging
53513 an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone
53514 living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench.
53515 -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University
53517 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
53520 Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
53521 text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
53522 goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
53523 didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
53525 I always hated those adventure games.
53528 Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
53533 Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
53534 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
53536 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
53537 opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
53541 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
53542 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
53543 life-style to recuperate.
53545 Vail's Second Axiom:
53546 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
53547 amount of work already completed.
53549 Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
53550 Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
53554 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
53557 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
53560 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
53563 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
53564 very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
53565 extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
53566 "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
53567 and sour won ton soup.
53569 Variables don't; constants aren't.
53573 Vegetables are what food eats.
53574 Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
53575 Fish are fast moving vegetables.
53576 Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
53577 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
53579 Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
53581 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
53582 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
53583 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
53586 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
53588 Verba volant, scripta manent!
53590 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
53593 Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
53594 reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
53598 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
53600 Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
53601 infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
53602 could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
53603 somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
53604 ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
53605 quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
53606 lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
53607 outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
53608 little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
53609 for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
53610 screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
53611 is presumably working on it.
53613 Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
53614 at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
53617 Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
53620 A hungry dog hunts best.
53621 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
53623 Decreased business base increases overhead.
53624 So does increased business base.
53626 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
53627 is fifth grade arithmetic.
53629 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
53630 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
53632 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
53633 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
53634 -- Norman Augustine
53636 Victory uber allies!
53639 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
53640 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
53641 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
53642 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
53643 in the 9th century.
53645 Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
53646 only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
53649 Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
53650 Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
53651 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
53654 [I came, I saw, I conquered].
53655 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
53657 Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
53659 Violence is molding.
53661 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
53664 Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
53665 there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
53666 frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
53667 weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
53668 impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
53669 shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
53673 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
53674 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
53676 Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
53679 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
53680 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
53681 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
53682 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
53683 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
53684 that old underwear you own.
53686 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
53687 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
53688 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and
53689 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus
53692 "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
53694 Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
53695 only the willingness to make it when necessary.
53698 Virtue is its own punishment.
53701 Virtue is not left to stand alone.
53702 He who practices it will have neighbors.
53705 Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
53706 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
53708 Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
53710 Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
53712 Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
53713 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
53715 Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
53716 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
53718 Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
53720 VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
53723 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
53725 VMS version 2.0 ==>
53727 Voiceless it cries,
53734 A mountain with hiccups.
53736 Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
53737 And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
53738 And to him who's scientific
53739 There is nothing that's terrific
53740 In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
53741 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
53744 It is better to have lobbed and lost
53745 than never to have lobbed at all.
53747 Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
53748 supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
53749 the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
53750 how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
53751 information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
53752 Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
53756 Vote early and vote often.
53757 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
53758 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
53760 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
53764 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
53766 VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
53768 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
53771 Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
53774 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
53775 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
53776 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
53777 (Waiter exits, returns)
53778 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
53780 Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
53781 Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
53782 Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
53783 Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
53785 Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
53786 Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
53787 Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
53788 Make our country well again, respected by the world.
53790 Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
53791 Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
53792 Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
53793 Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
53794 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
53796 Wake up and smell the coffee.
53799 Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
53800 a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
53802 Walk softly and carry a big stick.
53803 -- Theodore Roosevelt
53805 Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
53807 Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
53810 Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions
53811 -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics
53812 (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.)
53814 Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
53815 Garp: Gradual school?
53816 Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
53818 Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
53819 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
53820 -- The World According To Garp
53823 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
53824 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
53825 on a plane that left Gate 1.
53829 Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
53830 A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
53831 But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
53832 When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
53833 black gold; "Texas tea" ...
53835 Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
53836 The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!"
53837 They said, "Californy is the place ya oughta be",
53838 So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
53839 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
53841 War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
53843 War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
53844 -- Charles Edward Montague
53846 War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
53848 War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
53849 -- Desiderius Erasmus
53851 War is like love, it always finds a way.
53852 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
53854 War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
53857 War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
53859 War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
53863 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
53864 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on
53865 your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
53868 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
53869 A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
53870 user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
53871 to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
53872 to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
53873 aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
53874 entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
53875 it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
53876 things to the terminal.
53878 Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
53880 Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
53881 those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
53883 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
53885 Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
53886 Survivors will be shot again.
53889 This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
53891 A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
53892 operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
53893 machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
53894 to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
53895 only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
53896 may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
53897 and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
53899 See also: flog(1), tm(1)
53901 Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
53903 Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
53904 In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
53905 There was a time they could cry over books,
53906 But time has set its maggot on their track.
53907 Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
53908 What's never known is safest in this life.
53909 Under the skysigns they who have no arms
53910 Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
53911 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
53912 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
53914 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
53916 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
53919 [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
53920 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
53921 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
53923 Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810.
53925 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
53926 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
53928 Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
53931 Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
53933 Wasting time is an important part of living.
53935 Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
53937 Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
53940 Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
53944 You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
53947 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
53948 number and significance of any persons watching it.
53951 The single most important word in the world.
53953 We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
53954 when it's necessary to compromise.
53957 We all declare for liberty, but in using the
53958 same word we do not all mean the same thing.
53961 We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
53963 We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
53965 We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
53967 We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
53968 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
53970 We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
53971 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
53973 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which
53974 divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being
53975 correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
53978 We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
53979 before we are fit to participate in society.
53980 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
53983 We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
53985 We are all born mad. Some remain so.
53988 We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
53990 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
53993 We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
53994 -- Albert Schweitzer
53996 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
53997 -- Winston Churchill
53999 We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
54002 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
54003 -- Whole Earth Catalog
54005 We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
54006 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
54008 We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
54009 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
54011 We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
54013 -- Patrick Moynihan
54015 We are each only one drop in a great
54016 ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
54018 We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
54020 We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
54021 dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
54024 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
54025 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
54026 thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
54029 We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
54030 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
54032 We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
54033 Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
54035 We are not a clone.
54037 We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
54042 We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
54043 rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
54046 We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
54048 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
54050 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
54051 develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
54055 We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
54057 We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
54060 We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
54061 the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
54063 This is a recording.
54065 We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
54066 share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
54067 our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
54068 leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
54069 the substance that cast them.
54071 We are the people our parents warned us about.
54073 We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
54074 to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
54075 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
54077 We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
54078 The order is not insignificant.
54079 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
54081 We are what we are.
54083 We are what we pretend to be.
54084 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
54086 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
54088 We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
54091 We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
54092 technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
54093 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
54095 We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
54096 -- Sir Francis Bacon
54098 We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
54101 We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
54102 deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
54103 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
54105 We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
54106 -- Richard M. Nixon
54108 We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
54109 feet and go skating.
54110 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist
54112 We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
54113 take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
54114 forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
54115 into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
54116 beautiful Universe, Our home.
54117 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
54119 We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
54122 We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
54123 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
54125 We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
54127 We don't care how they do it in New York.
54129 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
54130 -- James Watt, noted theologian
54132 We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
54134 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
54136 We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
54137 that it wasn't a fish.
54138 -- Marshall McLuhan
54140 We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
54141 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
54143 We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
54146 We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
54147 We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
54148 No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
54149 Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
54151 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
54153 We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
54154 We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
54155 No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
54156 Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
54158 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
54160 We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
54162 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
54165 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
54166 understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
54168 We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
54169 Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
54170 visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
54174 We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
54175 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
54177 We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
54178 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
54180 We gotta get out of this place,
54181 If it's the last thing we ever do.
54184 We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
54185 hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
54186 mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
54187 our grave singing Hallelujah ...
54190 We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
54192 We have art that we do not die of the truth.
54193 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
54195 We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
54197 We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
54198 levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
54199 almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
54200 men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
54201 Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
54202 is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
54203 creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
54204 redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
54205 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
54207 We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
54210 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
54213 We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
54214 than from the machinations of the wicked.
54216 We have no scorched earth policy.
54217 We have a policy of scorched Communists.
54218 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
54220 We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
54223 We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
54226 We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
54227 back to normal, and that they already have.
54229 We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
54232 We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
54233 hands for masturbation.
54236 We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
54238 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
54239 official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
54240 Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
54241 you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
54242 said "ELECTROCUTION".
54244 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
54245 teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
54246 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
54247 couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
54248 out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
54249 stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
54250 floor, which is how the police would find you.
54252 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
54253 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
54255 We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
54257 We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
54258 star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
54260 [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
54261 were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
54262 character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
54263 after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
54264 acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
54265 letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
54266 looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
54267 that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
54268 should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
54269 source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
54270 instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
54271 publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
54272 to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
54273 was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
54274 temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
54275 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
54277 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
54278 to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
54279 Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
54280 to crave knowledge.
54283 We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
54284 of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
54285 the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
54286 know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
54287 which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
54288 about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
54289 his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
54290 hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
54291 pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
54292 by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
54293 feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
54294 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
54296 We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
54299 We love our little Johnny
54300 He's the best little boy in all the world
54301 And we wouldn't trade him for anything
54302 That's how much we love him.
54303 No, we couldn't live without him
54304 So that's why, since he died,
54305 We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
54306 He's so good, so well-behaved,
54307 Even better than before;
54308 Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
54309 Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
54310 Never miss our little Johnny,
54311 He'll never grow up and leave us
54312 That's why we love him like we do.
54315 "We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
54316 free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
54317 show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
54318 our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
54321 We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
54325 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all
54326 purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start
54327 with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the
54328 playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is
54329 best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can
54330 buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English.
54333 We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
54334 their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
54335 their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
54336 Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
54337 nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
54338 themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
54339 proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
54340 we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
54341 Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
54342 internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
54343 of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
54344 accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
54346 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
54348 We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
54349 popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
54350 under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
54351 of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
54352 filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
54353 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
54355 We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
54356 respect their good judgment.
54358 ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
54359 by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
54360 I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
54361 brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as
54362 an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
54363 functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
54364 uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
54365 of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
54366 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
54368 We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
54369 of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
54372 We must die because we have known them.
54373 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
54375 ...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
54376 we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
54377 in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
54379 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
54381 We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
54382 the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
54383 is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
54386 We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
54387 no matter how self-seeking.
54388 -- F. G. Withington
54390 We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
54391 the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
54393 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
54395 We only acknowledge small faults in order
54396 to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
54397 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
54399 We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
54400 people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
54401 For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
54402 to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
54403 fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
54404 primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
54405 ugly paneling is to begin with.
54406 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
54408 We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
54409 originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
54410 forgotten its source.
54411 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
54413 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
54414 rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
54416 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
54418 We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
54419 content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
54420 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
54422 We read to say that we have read.
54424 We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
54425 friends are trying to kill us.
54427 We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
54430 We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
54431 Only non-sense attains perfection.
54432 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
54434 We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
54435 -- Jean de la Bruyere
54437 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
54438 in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
54439 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
54440 is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
54443 We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
54444 born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
54448 We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
54449 taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
54453 We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
54454 Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
54457 We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
54460 We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
54461 remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
54462 the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
54463 the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
54464 states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
54465 These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
54466 want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
54467 they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
54468 who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
54469 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
54471 We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
54472 We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
54473 that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
54475 We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
54476 ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
54477 preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
54478 and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
54481 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
54482 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
54483 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
54484 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
54487 ------------------- -------------------------
54488 Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
54489 Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
54490 Moody Manic-depressive
54491 Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
54492 Poet Boring manic-depressive
54493 Sultry/Sensual Easy
54494 Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
54495 Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
54496 Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
54497 Very human Quasimodo's best friend
54498 Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
54499 Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
54501 Aging child Self-centered adult
54502 Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
54503 Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
54505 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
54506 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
54507 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
54508 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
54511 ------------------- -------------------------
54512 Independent thinker Crazy
54513 High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
54514 Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
54515 Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
54516 Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
54518 Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
54519 Big and beautiful Really Fat
54520 Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
54521 Svelte/Slender Anorexic
54523 Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
54524 Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
54525 Demanding Will make your life a living hell
54526 Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
54528 We totally deny the allegations, and
54529 we're trying to identify the allegators.
54531 We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
54532 There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
54533 borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
54534 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
54536 [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
54539 We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
54540 depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
54541 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
54543 We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
54544 [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
54545 behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
54546 but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
54547 next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
54548 a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
54549 The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
54550 to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
54553 We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
54554 were married for four and a half years.
54557 We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
54559 We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
54560 If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
54563 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
54564 also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
54565 French restaurant. [...]
54566 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
54567 white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
54568 boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
54569 bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
54570 rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
54571 there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
54572 "Stop the car," the girl said.
54573 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
54574 woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
54575 arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
54576 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
54578 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
54579 Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
54580 onto my granola and faced a new day.
54581 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
54584 We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
54585 tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
54589 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
54590 technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
54592 We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
54593 we will cry over things we used to laugh &
54594 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
54595 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
54596 in the end a summer with wild winds &
54597 new friends will be.
54599 We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
54600 power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
54601 planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
54602 use of this material.
54603 -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
54604 Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
54605 and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
54607 We wish you a Hare Krishna
54608 We wish you a Hare Krishna
54609 We wish you a Hare Krishna
54610 And a Sun Myung Moon!
54614 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
54616 Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
54620 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
54621 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
54623 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
54625 Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
54628 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
54629 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
54630 least interested and say nothing about the other.
54632 Weekend, where are you?
54635 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
54637 Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
54638 rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
54639 was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
54640 question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
54642 Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
54643 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
54645 Weinberg's First Law:
54646 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
54648 Weinberg's Principle:
54649 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
54650 on to the grand fallacy.
54652 Weinberg's Second Law:
54653 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
54654 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
54657 Weiner's Law of Libraries:
54658 There are no answers, only cross references.
54660 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
54661 He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
54664 Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
54676 Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
54677 The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
54678 -- Garrison Keillor
54680 Welcome to the Zoo!
54682 Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
54683 use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
54684 demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
54685 sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
54686 can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
54687 the reader! For example, the sentence
54689 Jane went to the store to buy bread
54691 should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
54692 sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
54693 cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
54694 Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
54695 of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
54696 my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
54697 Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
54698 standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
54701 If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
54703 Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
54704 that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
54705 all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
54706 James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
54707 women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
54708 *thousands* of words to say it.
54709 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
54710 Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
54711 Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
54712 what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
54713 as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
54715 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
54716 the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
54717 out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
54718 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
54720 * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
54721 nature and will kill you.
54722 * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
54725 We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
54726 night. Live, on the Death label.
54727 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
54729 Well begun is half done.
54732 "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
54733 no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
54737 We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
54739 Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
54741 Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
54742 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
54743 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
54744 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
54745 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
54746 per hour, December 7, 1941.
54748 Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
54749 Might as well have put it down the drain.
54750 Fancy giving money to the Government!
54751 Nobody will see the stuff again.
54752 Well, they've no idea what money's for --
54753 Ten to one they'll start another war.
54754 I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
54755 Fancy giving money to the Government!
54758 We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
54760 Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
54761 to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
54764 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
54765 lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
54766 governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
54767 reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
54768 contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
54769 will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
54770 most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
54771 appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
54772 morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
54773 interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
54774 guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
54775 the entire show without answering a single question ...
54776 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
54778 Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
54779 The headline screamed that I was still alive,
54780 I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
54781 I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
54782 In a little cantina that the boys had found,
54783 I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
54784 When along came a senorita,
54785 She looked so good that I had to meet her,
54786 I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
54787 When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
54788 And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
54789 Grow some funk of your own.
54790 We no like to with the gringo fight,
54791 But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
54793 Take my advice, take the next flight,
54794 And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
54795 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
54797 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
54798 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
54799 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
54800 couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
54801 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
54803 Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___
\b\b\bcan*
54805 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
54807 Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
54810 Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
54812 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
54814 Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
54816 We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
54818 WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
54819 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
54820 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
54822 Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
54823 And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
54824 Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
54825 Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
54826 But the meanest thing that he ever did,
54827 Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
54829 But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
54830 I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
54831 And kill the man that give me that awful name.
54832 It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
54833 I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
54834 Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
54835 At an old saloon on a street of mud,
54836 Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
54837 Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
54839 Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
54840 From a worn out picture that my Mother had,
54841 And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
54842 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
54844 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
54845 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
54846 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
54847 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54849 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
54850 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
54851 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
54852 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54854 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
54855 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
54856 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
54857 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54858 -- Core Dumped Blues
54860 Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
54861 bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
54862 doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
54865 We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
54867 Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
54868 And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
54869 But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
54870 And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
54872 Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
54874 Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
54877 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
54878 we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
54881 Well, we'll really have a party,
54882 but we've gotta post a guard outside.
54883 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
54885 "Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
54886 poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
54887 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
54888 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
54890 Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
54891 And we're loved everywhere we go.
54892 We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
54893 At ten thousand dollars a show.
54894 We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
54895 But the thrill we've never known,
54896 Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
54897 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54899 I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
54900 Who embroiders on my jeans.
54901 I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
54902 Drivin' my limousine.
54903 Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
54904 But our minds won't be really be blown;
54905 Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
54906 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54908 We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
54909 Who'll do anything we say.
54910 We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
54911 We got all the friends that money can buy,
54912 So we never have to be alone.
54913 And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
54914 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54915 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
54916 [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
54918 Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
54919 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you.
54922 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
54943 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
54944 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
54945 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
54947 We're all in this alone.
54950 We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
54951 people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
54952 Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual
54953 and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
54954 it's not going to do anything for you.
54955 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
54957 We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
54958 the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
54959 you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
54960 in his bowl full of jelly.
54961 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
54963 We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
54964 things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
54965 and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
54966 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
54968 We're happy little Vegemites,
54969 As bright as bright can be.
54970 We all enjoy our Vegemite
54971 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
54973 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
54974 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
54975 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
54977 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
54979 We're Knights of the Round Table
54980 We dance whene'er we're able
54981 We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
54982 With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
54983 We dine well here in Camelot But many times
54984 We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
54985 That are quite unsingable
54986 In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
54987 Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
54990 And impersonate Clark Gable
54991 It's a busy life in Camelot.
54992 I have to push the pram a lot.
54995 We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
54998 We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
54999 but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
55000 then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
55003 "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
55004 weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
55005 the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
55006 unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
55007 responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
55008 desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
55009 learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
55010 short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
55013 We're only in it for the volume.
55016 Were there no women, men might live like gods.
55019 Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
55021 Westheimer's Discovery:
55022 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
55023 couple of hours in the library.
55026 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
55028 We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
55029 of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
55030 but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
55033 We've tried each spinning space mote
55034 And reckoned its true worth:
55035 Take us back again to the homes of men
55036 On the cool, green hills of Earth.
55038 The arching sky is calling
55039 Spacemen back to their trade.
55040 All hands! Standby! Free falling!
55041 And the lights below us fade.
55042 Out ride the sons of Terra,
55043 Far drives the thundering jet,
55044 Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
55045 Out, far, and onward yet--
55047 We pray for one last landing
55048 On the globe that gave us birth;
55049 Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
55050 And the cool, green hills of Earth.
55051 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
55053 Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
55058 What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
55059 by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
55060 Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
55061 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
55063 What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
55064 understand what a misfortune it is.
55065 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
55067 What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
55068 -- WOP, "War Games"
55070 What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
55073 What an artist dies with me!
55076 What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
55080 What awful irony is this?
55081 We are as gods, but know it not.
55083 What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
55085 What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
55087 What did ya do with your burden and your cross?
55088 Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
55089 You and I know that a burden and a cross,
55090 Can only be carried on one man's back.
55091 -- Louden Wainwright III
55093 What did you bring that book I didn't want
55094 to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
55096 What did you do when the ship sank?
55097 I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
55099 What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
55100 is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
55101 that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
55102 the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
55103 live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
55104 others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
55106 What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
55109 What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
55112 What does education often do?
55113 It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
55114 -- Henry David Thoreau
55116 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
55118 What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
55119 win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
55120 In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
55121 that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
55122 simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
55123 base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
55124 a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
55125 activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
55126 the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
55127 and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
55128 words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
55129 Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
55130 conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
55131 Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
55132 and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
55133 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
55135 What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
55136 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55138 What ever happened to happily ever after?
55140 What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
55143 What foods these morsels be!
55145 What fools these morals be!
55147 What fools these mortals be.
55148 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
55150 What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
55152 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
55154 What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
55155 that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
55156 country. Nice try anyway, George.
55157 -- Disk Jockey on KSFO/KYA
55159 What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
55160 where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
55162 What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
55165 What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
55166 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
55168 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
55171 What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
55172 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
55174 What happened last night can happen again.
55176 What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
55177 involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
55181 What happens to a dream deferred?
55183 Like a raisin in the sun?
55184 Or fester like a sore --
55186 Does it stink like rotten meat?
55187 Or crust and sugar over --
55188 Like a syrupy sweet?
55193 Or does it explode?
55196 What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
55198 What has roots as nobody sees,
55199 Is taller than trees,
55201 And yet never grows?
55203 What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
55204 stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
55205 barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
55206 from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
55207 while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
55208 dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
55209 powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
55210 bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
55211 one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
55212 lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
55213 you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
55214 if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
55215 that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
55216 they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
55217 flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
55218 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
55220 What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
55221 broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
55222 is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
55223 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
55225 What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
55226 sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
55227 with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
55228 came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
55230 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
55232 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
55234 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
55235 definitely overpaid for my carpet.
55236 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
55238 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's
55239 worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
55240 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
55242 What if there had been room at the inn?
55243 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
55245 What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
55248 What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
55249 other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
55250 improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few
55251 boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:
55253 1. We may not change our thinking habits.
55254 2. We may not change our programming tools.
55255 3. We may not change our hardware.
55256 4. We may not change our tasks.
55257 5. We may not change the organizational set-up
55258 in which the work has to be done.
55260 Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
55261 improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.
55263 Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972
55265 What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
55268 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
55272 What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
55273 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
55275 What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
55276 will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
55277 weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
55278 but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
55279 our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
55280 What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
55281 all the weak: Christianity.
55282 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55284 What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
55285 enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
55287 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
55289 What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
55291 -- Charles Baudelaire
55293 What is love but a second-hand emotion?
55296 What is mind? No matter.
55297 What is matter? Never mind.
55298 -- Thomas Hewitt Key (1799-1875)
55300 What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
55303 What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
55306 What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
55307 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
55310 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
55313 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
55316 Uh, that still ain't right...
55317 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
55318 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
55319 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
55321 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
55322 computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
55323 and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
55325 "What is the Nature of God?"
55327 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
55331 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
55333 "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
55336 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
55338 What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
55339 if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
55340 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
55341 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
55343 What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
55344 of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
55345 is the first law of nature.
55348 What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
55349 to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
55350 may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
55351 simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
55352 big thumping lie that will then be believed.
55353 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
55354 British civilian morale, 1939
55356 What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
55357 which is the exact opposite.
55358 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
55360 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
55362 What I've done, of course, is total garbage.
55363 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
55365 What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
55366 goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
55369 What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
55370 is that there's nothing to compare it with.
55372 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
55373 is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
55375 What makes you think graduate school
55376 is supposed to be satisfying?
55377 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
55379 What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
55381 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
55382 is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
55384 What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
55385 A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
55388 What on earth would a man do with himself
55389 if something did not stand in his way?
55392 What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
55395 What one fool can do, another can.
55396 -- Ancient Simian proverb
55398 What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
55400 What pains others pleasures me,
55401 At home am I in Lisp or C;
55402 There i couch in ecstasy,
55403 'Til debugger's poke i flee,
55404 Into kernel memory.
55405 In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
55406 Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
55408 What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
55409 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
55411 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
55412 more than man's transparency.
55415 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
55416 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
55417 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
55418 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
55419 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
55420 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
55421 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
55424 What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
55425 of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
55426 were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
55427 impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
55428 enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
55429 till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
55430 look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
55431 the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
55432 discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
55433 their grasp before they were five years old.
55434 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
55436 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
55437 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
55439 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
55442 What segment's this, that, laid to rest
55443 On FHA0, is sleeping?
55444 What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
55445 While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
55446 Dump, dump it and type it out,
55447 The file, the highseg of login.
55448 Why lies it here, on public disk
55449 And why is it now unprotected?
55450 A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
55451 And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
55452 Dump, dump it and type it out,
55453 The file, the highseg of login.
55456 What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
55458 What soon grows old? Gratitude.
55461 What, still alive at twenty-two,
55462 A clean upstanding chap like you?
55463 Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
55464 Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
55465 Like enough, you won't be glad,
55466 When they come to hang you, lad:
55467 But bacon's not the only thing
55468 That's cured by hanging from a string.
55469 So, when the spilt ink of the night
55470 Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
55471 Lads whose job is still to do
55472 Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
55475 What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
55476 around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
55477 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
55479 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
55481 What the hell is it good for?
55482 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
55483 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
55484 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
55486 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
55488 What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
55489 -- Nikita Khruschev
55491 What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
55496 "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
55497 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
55498 "The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
55499 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
55500 "I simply can't say enough good things about him."
55502 "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
55503 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
55504 "When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
55505 a long way with his skills."
55506 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
55507 "You won't find many people like her."
55508 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
55509 "I cannot recommend him too highly."
55510 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
55511 felony in my presence.)
55516 "If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
55518 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
55519 "Her input was always critical."
55520 (She never had a good word to say.)
55521 "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
55522 (And it's nonexistent.)
55523 "This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
55524 already has so many outstanding members."
55525 (Unless you already have a moron.)
55526 "His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
55527 one unbelievable result after another."
55528 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
55529 "She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
55530 (In fact, to life in general...)
55535 "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
55536 (We certainly never succeeded.)
55537 There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
55538 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
55539 "Success will never spoil him."
55540 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
55541 "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
55542 (And such a sigh of relief.)
55543 "His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
55544 in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
55545 (And his IQ, as well.)
55546 "He should go far."
55547 (The farther the better.)
55548 "He will take full advantage of his staff."
55549 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
55551 What they say: What they mean:
55553 A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
55554 Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
55555 Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
55556 to unforeseen difficulties
55557 Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
55558 Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
55559 assured grateful for anything at all.
55560 Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
55561 Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
55562 The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
55564 The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
55565 We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
55566 approach kicking it around.
55567 A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
55569 Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
55571 Modifications are underway We're starting over.
55573 What they say: What they mean:
55575 New Different colors from previous version.
55576 All New Not compatible with previous version.
55577 Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
55578 Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
55579 Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
55580 Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
55581 Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
55582 Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
55583 Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
55584 Years of Development Finally got one to work.
55585 Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
55586 Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
55587 Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
55588 No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
55589 Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
55590 Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
55591 Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
55592 Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
55594 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
55596 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
55598 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
55600 What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
55602 What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
55605 I don't know, it keeps changing.
55607 What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
55608 but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
55609 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55611 What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
55612 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
55614 What we Are is God's give to us.
55615 What we Become is our gift to God.
55617 What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
55620 What we do not understand we do not possess.
55621 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
55623 What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
55624 nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
55625 Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
55626 launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
55627 remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
55628 process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
55629 be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
55630 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
55632 What we need is either less corruption,
55633 or more chance to participate in it.
55635 What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
55638 What we wish, that we readily believe.
55641 What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
55642 2038 does not bear thinking about.
55645 What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
55647 What would you do with a brain if you had one?
55648 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
55650 What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
55652 What you don't know won't help you much either.
55655 What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
55656 your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
55657 your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
55658 powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
55660 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
55662 What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
55663 something to occur to you.
55666 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
55667 referring to AST's.]
55669 Whatever became of eternal truth?
55671 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
55672 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
55673 as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
55674 hundred dollar bills."
55677 Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
55679 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
55681 Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
55685 Whatever happened to the good old days
55686 when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
55688 Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
55690 -- Collis P. Huntingdon
55692 Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
55693 Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
55694 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
55696 Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
55697 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
55699 Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
55700 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55702 Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!
55705 Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
55706 as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
55707 -- Charlotte Whitton
55709 Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that
55713 Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
55715 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
55717 Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
55719 What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
55722 What's all this bru-ha-ha?
55724 What's another word for "thesaurus"?
55727 What's done to children, they will do to society.
55729 What's page one, a preemptive strike?
55730 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
55734 What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
55735 with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
55736 -- The Best of Will Rogers
55738 What's the ugliest part of your body?
55739 What's the ugliest part of your body?
55740 Some say your nose,
55741 Some say your toes,
55742 But I think it's your mind.
55743 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
55745 What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
55746 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
55748 What's this stuff about people being "released on their
55749 own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
55751 When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
55755 When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
55757 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
55759 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
55760 thing," it's the money.
55763 When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
55766 When a girl can read the handwriting on
55767 the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
55769 When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
55770 inattentions of one.
55773 When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
55774 the first lion thinks the last a bore.
55775 -- George Bernard Shaw
55777 When a lot of remedies are suggested for
55778 a disease, that means it can't be cured.
55779 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
55781 When a man assumes a public trust, he
55782 should consider himself as public property.
55783 -- Thomas Jefferson
55785 When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
55788 When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
55789 it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
55792 When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
55793 But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
55794 hour. That's relativity.
55797 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
55801 When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
55802 ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
55803 with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
55804 liar who has broken his promises.
55807 When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
55809 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
55810 not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space
55811 travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
55812 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
55814 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
55815 sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
55816 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
55817 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
55819 When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
55820 first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
55823 When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
55824 When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
55827 When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
55828 yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
55830 Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
55831 out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
55832 by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
55833 to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
55834 that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
55835 looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
55836 poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
55837 him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
55838 death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
55839 story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
55840 the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of
55841 paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
55842 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
55844 When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
55845 interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
55846 honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
55849 When all else fails, EAT!!!
55851 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
55852 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
55854 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
55856 When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
55858 When all other means of communication fail, try words.
55860 When among apes, one must play the ape.
55862 When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
55865 When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
55866 tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?
55869 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
55870 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate
55872 When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
55873 the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
55874 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
55876 When asked the definition of "pi":
55878 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
55879 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
55881 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
55885 When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
55887 When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
55890 When choosing between two evils, I always
55891 like to take the one I've never tried before.
55892 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
55894 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
55895 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
55898 When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
55900 When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
55901 was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
55902 never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
55903 declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
55904 that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
55905 consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
55908 When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?
55910 When does later become never?
55912 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I
55913 think it was a Tuesday.
55915 When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
55918 When forecasting, give them a number
55919 or give them a date, but never both.
55921 When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
55924 When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
55925 why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
55928 When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
55929 inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
55930 blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
55931 screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
55932 stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
55933 himself to destruction.
55936 When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
55937 to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
55940 When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
55941 He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
55942 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
55944 when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
55946 like my grandfather.
55949 like the passengers in his car...
55951 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
55952 and a willingness to compromise.
55953 -- Weber cartoon caption
55955 When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
55956 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
55959 When I grow up, I want to be an honest
55960 lawyer so things like that can't happen.
55961 -- Richard M. Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
55963 When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
55964 shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
55965 what you like now."
55968 When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
55969 for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
55970 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
55972 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
55973 year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
55974 winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
55975 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
55977 When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
55979 When I look at the horse heads and men's faces, the immense
55980 live torrent once raised by my will and now whirling to
55981 nowhere through the red sunset desert, I often wonder where
55982 I am in this torrent.
55983 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
55985 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
55986 myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
55988 When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
55989 to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
55992 When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
55993 I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
55995 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
55997 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
55998 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
56001 When I think about myself,
56002 I almost laugh myself to death,
56003 My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
56004 A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
56005 A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
56006 I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
56007 When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
56008 I laugh until my stomach ache,
56009 When I think about myself.
56010 My folks can make me split my side,
56011 I laughed so hard I nearly died,
56012 The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
56013 They grow the fruit,
56015 I laugh until I start to crying,
56016 When I think about my folks.
56019 When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
56020 By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
56022 When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
56023 Now I'm beginning to believe it.
56026 When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
56027 I was an only child... eventually.
56030 When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
56031 take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
56035 When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
56036 all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
56037 It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
56040 When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
56041 woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
56044 When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
56045 I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
56048 When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
56050 I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
56051 picture that came with the wallet he bought.
56052 -- Rodney Dangerfield
56054 When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
56055 say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
56057 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
56058 the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
56061 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
56062 -- Rodney Dangerfield
56064 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
56065 act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A
56066 group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
56067 six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things
56068 together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ...
56069 Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
56070 responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military
56071 establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
56072 been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
56073 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
56074 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
56076 When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
56077 had to take drugs and go to concerts.
56080 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
56081 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
56082 cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
56083 go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
56086 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
56087 slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
56090 When I works, I works hard.
56091 When I sits, I sits easy.
56092 And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
56094 When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
56095 the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
56096 the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
56097 comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
56098 he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
56099 questions like a senator.
56102 When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
56105 When in charge ponder,
56106 When in doubt mumble,
56107 When in trouble delegate.
56109 When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
56110 to apologize than to get permission.
56111 -- Grace Murray Hopper
56113 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
56115 When in doubt, follow your heart.
56117 When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
56118 -- Raymond Chandler
56120 When in doubt, lead trump.
56122 When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
56125 When in doubt, tell the truth.
56128 When in doubt, use brute force.
56131 When in panic, fear and doubt,
56132 Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
56134 When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
56137 When in this world the headlines read
56138 Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
56139 Who rob and steal from those who need
56140 The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
56141 Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
56142 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
56143 Fighting all who rob or plunder
56144 Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
56148 When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
56150 When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
56151 half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
56153 When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
56155 When it is not necessary to make a decision,
56156 it is necessary not to make a decision.
56158 When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
56159 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
56161 When license fees are too high,
56162 users do things by hand.
56163 When the management is too intrusive,
56164 users lose their spirit.
56166 Hack for the user's benefit.
56167 Trust them; leave them alone.
56169 When love is gone, there's always justice.
56170 And when justice is gone, there's always force.
56171 And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
56175 When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
56176 will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
56178 When Marriage is Outlawed,
56179 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
56181 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
56184 When my brain begins to reel from my
56185 literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
56188 When my fist clenches crack it open,
56189 Before I use it and lose my cool.
56190 When I smile tell me some bad news,
56191 Before I laugh and act like a fool.
56193 And if I swallow anything evil,
56194 Put you finger down my throat.
56195 And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
56196 Keep me warm let me wear your coat
56198 No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
56201 No one knows what its like to be hated,
56203 To telling only lies.
56204 -- The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes"
56206 When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
56207 at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
56208 think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
56209 wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
56210 become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
56211 Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
56212 was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
56213 women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
56214 a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
56215 most unlikely of situations.
56216 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
56218 When neither their poverty nor their honor is
56219 touched, the majority of men live content.
56220 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
56222 When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
56224 When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
56227 When one knows women one pities men,
56228 but when one studies men, one excuses women.
56231 When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
56232 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56234 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
56235 concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --
56236 and I find I mind it less and less."
56237 -- Louise Andrews Kent
56239 When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
56240 finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
56241 -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
56242 a camera for professional photographers
56244 When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
56245 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
56246 And Oxygen still had none
56247 Then Oxygen scored a single goal
56248 And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
56249 Called because of rain.
56251 When people have trouble communicating,
56252 the least they can do is to shut up.
56255 When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
56257 When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
56259 When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
56260 newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
56261 was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
56263 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
56264 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
56265 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
56266 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
56267 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
56268 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
56269 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
56270 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
56272 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
56273 for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
56274 your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
56277 When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
56278 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
56280 When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
56281 big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
56283 When some people discover the truth, they just
56284 can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
56286 When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
56287 Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
56288 Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
56289 U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
56290 They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
56291 But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
56293 For might makes right, Members of the corps
56294 And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
56295 They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
56297 All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
56298 Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
56299 We only want the world to know
56300 That we support the status quo;
56301 They love us everywhere we go,
56302 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
56303 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
56305 When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
56306 say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
56308 When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
56311 When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
56313 When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
56314 of asterisked sentences:
56316 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
56317 And costs less than $1,300.**
56319 In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
56321 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
56322 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
56323 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
56324 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
56325 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
56327 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
56328 you really want to. Or less.
56331 When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
56334 When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
56337 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
56340 When the cup is full, carry it level.
56342 When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
56343 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
56345 When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
56348 When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
56349 muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
56351 When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
56354 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
56356 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
56358 When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
56359 -- Hunter S. Thompson
56361 When the government bureau's remedies do not match
56362 your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
56364 When the Guru administers, the users
56365 are hardly aware that he exists.
56366 Next best is a sysop who is loved.
56367 Next, one who is feared.
56368 And worst, one who is despised.
56370 If you don't trust the users,
56371 you make them untrustworthy.
56373 The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
56374 When his work is done,
56375 the users say, "Amazing:
56376 we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
56378 When the leaders speak of peace
56379 The common folk know
56381 When the leaders curse war
56382 The mobilization order is already written out.
56384 Every day, to earn my daily bread
56385 I go to the market where lies are bought
56387 I take my place among the sellers.
56388 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
56390 When the lights are out, all women are fair.
56393 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
56394 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
56395 nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____
\b\b\b\bthat.
56396 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
56398 When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
56401 When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
56402 -- Richard M. Nixon
56404 When the revolution comes, count your change.
56406 When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
56407 if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
56408 he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
56410 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
56413 When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
56417 When the sun shineth, make hay.
56420 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
56421 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
56422 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
56423 were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
56424 corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
56425 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
56427 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
56428 he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
56429 seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
56430 "if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
56431 stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
56432 several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
56433 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
56435 "Samuel," he mumbled.
56436 "And where're you from, Sam?"
56439 When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
56443 When the wind is great, bow before it;
56444 when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
56446 When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
56447 is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
56448 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
56450 When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
56451 -- Honore de Balzac
56453 When things go well, expect something to
56454 explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
56456 When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
56457 insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
56458 required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
56459 exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
56460 -- George Bernard Shaw
56462 When users see one GUI as beautiful,
56463 other user interfaces become ugly.
56464 When users see some programs as winners,
56465 other programs become lossage.
56467 Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
56468 High level and assembler depend on each other.
56469 Double and float cast to each other.
56470 High-endian and low-endian define each other.
56471 While and until follow each other.
56474 programs without doing anything
56475 and teaches without saying anything.
56476 Warnings arise and he lets them come;
56477 processes are swapped and he lets them go.
56478 He has but doesn't possess,
56479 acts but doesn't expect.
56480 When his work is done, he deletes it.
56481 That is why it lasts forever.
56483 When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
56487 When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
56488 anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
56489 two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
56490 history of war have so few been led by so many.
56491 -- General James Gavin
56493 When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
56495 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
56496 except our fingertips will have been singed.
56497 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
56499 When we write programs that "learn",
56500 it turns out we do and they don't.
56502 When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
56503 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
56505 When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
56506 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
56508 -- Honore de Balzac
56510 When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
56511 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
56513 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
56514 investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand,
56515 so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
56516 swayed, directly to the goal.
56519 When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
56520 when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
56523 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
56525 When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
56527 When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
56528 something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
56529 your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
56530 the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
56531 vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
56532 eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
56533 narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
56534 will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
56535 But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
56536 from, to torture and unsettle us?
56537 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
56539 When you become used to never being alone,
56540 you may consider yourself Americanized.
56542 When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
56544 When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
56547 When you dig another out of trouble,
56548 you've got a place to bury your own.
56550 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
56552 When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
56554 When you find yourself in danger,
56555 When you're threatened by a stranger,
56556 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
56558 There is one thing you should learn,
56559 When there is no one else to turn to,
56560 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
56561 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
56563 When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
56564 And the world makes you King for a day,
56565 Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
56566 And see what that guy has to say.
56567 For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
56568 Who judgement upon you must pass.
56569 The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
56570 Is the guy staring back from the glass.
56571 He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
56572 For he's with you clear up to the end,
56573 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
56574 If the guy in the glass is your friend.
56575 You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
56576 And think you're a wonderful guy,
56577 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
56578 If you can't look him straight in the eye.
56579 You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
56580 And get pats on the back as you pass,
56581 But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
56582 If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
56583 -- "The Guy in the Glass"
56584 Copyright 1934, Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954)
56585 [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches,
56586 especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.]
56588 When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
56589 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
56592 When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
56594 When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
56597 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
56598 remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
56599 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
56601 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
56602 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
56603 answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
56604 acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
56607 When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
56608 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
56610 When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
56611 moves the ground from beneath your feet.
56612 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
56614 When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
56615 asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
56616 know the answer either.
56617 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
56619 When you live in a sick society,
56620 just about everything you do is wrong.
56622 When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
56623 -- The Wall Street Journal
56625 When you meet a master swordsman,
56626 show him your sword.
56627 When you meet a man who is not a poet,
56628 do not show him your poem.
56629 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
56631 When you overesteem great hackers,
56632 more users become cretins.
56633 When you develop encryption,
56634 more users become crackers.
56637 by emptying user's minds
56638 and increasing their quotas,
56639 by weakening their ambition
56640 and toughening their resolve.
56641 When users lack knowledge and desire,
56642 management will not try to interfere.
56644 Practice not-looping,
56645 and everything will fall into place.
56647 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
56648 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
56649 -- Otto von Bismarck
56651 When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
56652 when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
56654 When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
56655 impression you will make.
56657 When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
56659 When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
56660 When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
56662 When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
56663 They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
56664 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
56666 When your memory goes, forget it!
56668 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
56672 You're a Yup all the way
56673 From your first slice of Brie
56674 To your last Cabernet.
56677 You're not just a dreamer
56678 You're making things happen
56679 You're driving a Beamer.
56681 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
56682 Wretched, bored, dejected, only
56683 Here's the rub, my darling dear,
56684 I feel the same when you are near.
56685 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
56687 When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
56688 -- David Pryce-Jones
56690 When you're dining out and you suspect
56691 something's wrong, you're probably right.
56693 When you're down and out, lift up your
56694 voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
56696 When you're in command, command.
56699 When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
56700 you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
56701 of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
56702 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
56704 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
56706 When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
56708 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
56709 your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
56710 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
56712 WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
56713 laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
56714 to become a parrot or something.
56715 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
56717 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
56720 Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
56721 to spend their weekends with?
56724 Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
56726 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
56727 see it tried on him personally.
56730 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
56731 is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
56732 Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
56735 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
56738 Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
56739 We people on the pavement looked at him:
56740 He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
56741 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
56742 And he was always quietly arrayed,
56743 And he was always human when he talked;
56744 But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
56745 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
56746 And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
56747 And admirably schooled in every grace:
56748 In fine, we thought that he was everything
56749 To make us wish that we were in his place.
56750 So on we worked, and waited for the light,
56751 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
56752 And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
56753 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
56754 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
56756 Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
56757 you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
56759 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
56760 you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
56761 Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
56763 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
56765 Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
56769 Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
56770 weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
56771 and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
56772 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
56774 Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
56776 Where am I, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
56777 -- Mark A. Matthews, to Wes Peters, circa 1996
56779 Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
56781 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
56782 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
56783 When it's converted to energy?
56784 There is a slight loss of parity.
56785 Johnny's so long at the fair.
56787 Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
56790 Where do you go to get anorexia?
56793 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
56794 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
56795 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
56797 Where is John Carson now that we need him?
56800 Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
56801 examine the laws of heat.
56802 -- Christopher Morley
56804 Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
56805 Why did you leave me here all alone?
56806 I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
56807 You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
56809 Gloom, despair and agony on me.
56810 Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
56811 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
56812 Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
56815 Where the hell is Wall Drug?
56817 Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
56819 Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
56820 in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
56822 Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
56823 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
56825 Where there's a whip there's a way.
56827 Where there's a will, there's a relative.
56829 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
56831 Where will it all end?
56832 Probably somewhere near where it all began.
56834 Where you stand depends on where you sit.
56835 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
56837 Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
56840 Where's the man could ease a heart
56842 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
56844 ...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
56845 spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
56848 Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
56849 Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
56850 Go on, do not rest.
56851 -- An old Gujarati hymn
56853 Whether you can hear it or not
56854 The Universe is laughing behind your back
56855 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
56857 Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
56859 Which would you rather have, a bursting
56860 planet or an earthquake here and there?
56861 -- John Joseph Lynch
56863 While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
56864 admission to someone else.
56866 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
56867 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
56868 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
56869 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
56870 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
56871 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
56872 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
56875 While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
56877 While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
56878 Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
56879 began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
56880 lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
56881 define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
56882 a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
56883 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
56885 While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
56886 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
56887 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
56889 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56890 referring to hardware interrupts.]
56892 And now I see with eye serene
56893 The very pulse of the machine.
56894 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
56896 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56897 referring to software interrupts.]
56899 While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
56900 keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
56901 -- Edward Stevenson
56903 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
56906 While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
56907 correctness never does.
56909 While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
56910 held a gun to his head.
56911 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
56912 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
56913 as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
56914 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
56915 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
56916 his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
56918 While there's life, there's hope.
56919 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
56921 While walking down a crowded
56922 City street the other day,
56923 I heard a little urchin
56924 To a comrade turn and say,
56925 "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
56926 I'd be happy as a clam
56927 If only I was de feller dat
56928 Me mudder t'inks I am.
56930 "She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
56931 An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
56932 Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
56933 Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
56934 Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
56935 How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
56936 If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
56937 Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
56938 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
56940 While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
56943 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
56944 reassuring to know that it's still there.
56946 While you recently had your problems on the run,
56947 they've regrouped and are making another attack.
56949 While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
56950 safe, for you can watch both of his.
56951 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56953 Whip it, whip it good!
56956 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
56958 Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
56960 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
56963 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
56968 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
56969 ...they might want to cut it out...
56971 Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
56972 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
56976 Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
56979 Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
56980 our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
56982 Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
56985 Who does not love wine, women, and song,
56986 Remains a fool his whole life long.
56987 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
56989 Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
56992 Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
56995 Who is D. B. Cooper, and where is he now?
56999 Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
57001 Who loves me will also love my dog.
57004 Who loves not wisely but too well
57005 Will look on Helen's face in hell,
57006 But he whose love is thin and wise
57007 Will view John Knox in Paradise.
57010 Who made the world I cannot tell;
57011 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
57012 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
57013 I never soiled with such a deed.
57016 Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
57018 Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
57020 Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
57021 No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
57023 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
57024 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
57026 Who to himself is law no law doth need,
57027 offends no law, and is a king indeed.
57030 Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
57032 Who was that masked man?
57034 Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
57036 Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
57038 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
57039 become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
57041 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
57043 Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
57046 Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
57047 pure in heart can make a good soup.
57048 -- Ludwig van Beethoven
57050 Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
57052 "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
57055 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
57057 Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
57059 Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
57064 Who's scruffy-looking?
57067 Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
57068 Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
57070 Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
57073 Why are programmers non-productive?
57074 Because their time is wasted in meetings.
57076 Why are programmers rebellious?
57077 Because the management interferes too much.
57079 Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
57080 Because they are burnt out.
57082 Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
57083 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
57085 Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus"? I could
57086 have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.
57089 Why are you so hard to ignore?
57091 Why are you watching
57092 The washing machine?
57093 I love entertainment
57094 So long as it's clean.
57096 Professor Doberman:
57097 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
57098 pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
57099 improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
57100 experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
57101 must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
57102 fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
57103 receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
57104 been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
57105 meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
57106 suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
57109 Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
57112 "Why be a man when you can be a success?"
57115 Why be difficult, when, with just a
57116 little more effort, you can be impossible?
57118 Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
57121 Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
57123 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
57124 avoid responsibility with?
57126 Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
57129 Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
57130 meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
57131 doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
57134 Why do seagulls live near the sea?
57135 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
57137 Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
57138 It's quite uncanny.
57140 Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
57142 Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
57144 Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
57146 Why do we want intelligent terminals
57147 when there are so many stupid users?
57149 Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
57152 Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
57154 Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently
57155 there must be a beverage.
57156 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
57158 Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
57161 New Jersey had first choice.
57163 Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
57166 Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
57168 Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
57170 Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
57171 We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
57172 we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
57173 pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
57175 -- The Best of Will Rogers
57177 Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
57178 -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program
57180 Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
57184 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57186 I'd LOVE to, but...
57187 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
57188 -- None of my socks match.
57189 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
57190 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
57191 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
57192 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
57193 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
57194 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
57195 named Basil Metabolism.
57196 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
57197 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
57198 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
57199 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
57200 -- I feel a song coming on.
57202 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57204 I'd LOVE to, but...
57205 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
57206 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
57207 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
57208 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
57209 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
57210 -- My subconscious says no.
57211 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
57212 can't seem to put it down.
57213 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
57214 -- I have to study for my blood test.
57215 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
57216 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
57217 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
57219 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57221 I'd LOVE to, but...
57222 -- I have to floss my cat.
57223 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
57224 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
57225 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
57226 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
57227 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
57228 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
57229 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
57230 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
57231 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
57232 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
57233 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
57235 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57237 I'd LOVE to, but...
57238 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
57239 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
57240 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
57241 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
57242 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
57243 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
57244 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
57245 -- I have to bleach my hare.
57246 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
57247 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
57249 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57251 I'd LOVE to, but...
57252 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
57253 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
57254 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
57255 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
57256 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
57257 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
57258 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
57259 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
57260 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
57261 -- My crayons all melted together.
57263 Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
57265 Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
57267 Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
57268 It is because we are not the person involved.
57271 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
57274 Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
57277 Why isn't there some cheap and easy
57278 way to prove how much she means to me?
57280 Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
57281 you knowing nothing?
57282 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
57284 Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
57286 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
57288 Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
57289 not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
57290 Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
57291 do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
57292 me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
57293 I can't think why not.
57294 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
57295 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
57297 Why not go out on a limb?
57298 Isn't that where the fruit is?
57300 Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
57301 Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
57302 children open their old-fashioned presents.
57304 Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
57306 You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
57307 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
57309 Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
57310 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
57311 and I get this cretin TOP?"
57313 Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
57315 You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
57317 Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
57318 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
57320 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
57321 fresh one for a quarter of the price?
57323 Why was I born with such contemporaries?
57326 Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
57327 wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
57328 unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
57329 not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
57330 beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
57331 incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
57332 into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
57333 needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
57334 origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
57335 we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
57336 parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
57337 eternity for his faithlessness.
57338 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
57339 Fortnightly Review, 1876
57341 Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
57344 Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
57346 Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
57347 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
57348 when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
57349 direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
57352 Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
57353 -- The Tasmanian Devil
57356 Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.
57359 A pat on the back is only a few
57360 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
57362 Will Rogers never met you.
57364 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
57365 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
57367 Will your long-winded speeches never end?
57368 What ails you that you keep on arguing?
57371 Williams and Holland's Law:
57372 If enough data is collected,
57373 anything may be proven by statistical methods.
57375 Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
57376 See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
57377 Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
57378 Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
57380 Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
57381 Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
57382 Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
57383 Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
57385 William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
57386 Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
57387 Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
57388 "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." "sure is hard to raise a daughter."
57389 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
57391 Wilner's Observation:
57392 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
57394 Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
57397 Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
57399 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
57400 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
57401 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
57404 Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
57407 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
57408 it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
57410 [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
57411 hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
57412 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
57414 Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
57417 Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
57419 Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
57423 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
57425 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57427 With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
57428 try to be a fraud and a half.
57429 -- Otto von Bismarck
57431 With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
57432 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
57434 With all the fancy scientists in the world,
57435 why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
57437 With all the talent around, it's sort of
57438 amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
57439 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
57441 With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
57443 With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
57444 they make a law it's a joke.
57447 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
57448 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
57449 still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
57450 such thing as progress.
57453 With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
57454 she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
57457 With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
57459 With reasonable men I will reason;
57460 with humane men I will plead;
57461 but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
57462 -- William Lloyd Garrison
57464 With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
57465 celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
57466 party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
57467 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
57469 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
57470 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
57472 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
57473 the city and forty on the highway."
57475 With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
57476 it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
57477 close. Like catching snakes.
57480 Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
57482 Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
57483 community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
57484 keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
57485 Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
57486 we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
57487 I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
57488 them again -- and this time we'd use it.
57489 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
57490 White House's National Security Council, Washington
57491 Post, 21 March, 1982
57493 Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
57494 -- Alfred North Whitehead
57496 Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
57497 way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
57498 indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
57499 important to him than his table or his white robe.
57500 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
57502 Without fools there would be no wisdom.
57504 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
57506 Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
57508 Without love intelligence is dangerous;
57509 without intelligence love is not enough.
57512 With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
57515 Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
57516 Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
57517 The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
57518 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
57520 Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
57521 bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
57522 Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
57525 A man who knows all the ankles.
57527 Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
57528 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
57530 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
57533 Woman is generally so bad that the difference
57534 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
57538 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
57539 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
57540 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57542 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
57543 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
57544 I shall be sober in the morning.
57546 Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
57547 out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
57548 equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
57549 that he might love her.
57552 Woman would be more charming if one could
57553 fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
57556 Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
57559 Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
57560 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
57561 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
57562 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
57563 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
57564 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
57565 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
57568 Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
57569 they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
57572 Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
57573 once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
57574 marriage certificates, and defy you.
57577 Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
57578 from charity, or revenge?
57579 -- Gustave Vapereau
57581 Women are just like men, only different.
57583 Women are like elephants to me: I like to
57584 look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
57587 Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
57590 Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
57593 Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
57596 Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
57599 Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
57600 but it takes more of them to do it.
57602 Women come and go, but BSD is forever.
57605 Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
57606 categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
57609 Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
57610 as good as any other.
57611 -- Philippe De Remi
57613 Women give themselves to God when the
57614 Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
57617 Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
57618 but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
57621 Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
57622 crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
57625 Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
57626 In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
57627 original earth clinging to the roots.
57630 Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
57631 than men who reason with the head.
57634 Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
57635 but never a man who misses one.
57636 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
57638 Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
57639 us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
57642 Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
57643 them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
57644 than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
57647 Women waste men's lives and think they have
57648 indemnified them by a few gracious words.
57649 -- Honore de Balzac
57651 Women, when they are not in love, have all
57652 the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
57653 -- Honore de Balzac
57655 Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
57656 always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
57657 -- Honore de Balzac
57659 Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.
57661 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
57663 Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
57664 not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
57665 graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
57668 Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
57670 Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
57671 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
57673 Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
57674 and philosophy begins in wonder.
57675 Socrates, quoting Plato
57678 Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
57680 Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
57681 you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
57682 down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
57683 tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
57684 long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
57685 there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
57688 Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
57689 when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
57690 Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
57691 cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
57692 heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
57693 beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
57694 and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
57695 although their insurance rates went way up.
57696 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
57699 A theory is better than its explanation.
57701 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
57702 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
57703 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
57704 -- Cheers, Airport V
57706 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
57707 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
57708 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
57711 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
57712 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
57714 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
57715 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
57716 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
57718 Sam: What are you up to Norm?
57719 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
57720 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
57722 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
57723 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
57724 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
57726 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
57727 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
57728 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
57730 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
57731 swallowed the canary.
57732 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
57733 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
57735 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
57736 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
57737 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
57739 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
57740 Norm: The warranty on my liver.
57741 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
57743 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
57744 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
57745 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
57747 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
57748 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
57749 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
57751 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
57753 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
57754 Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
57755 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
57757 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
57758 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
57759 -- Cheers, The Proposal
57761 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
57762 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
57763 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
57765 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
57766 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
57767 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
57769 Sam: How's life treating you?
57770 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
57771 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
57773 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
57774 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
57776 Norm: No, for stupid questions.
57777 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
57779 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
57780 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
57781 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
57783 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
57784 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
57785 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
57787 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
57788 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
57789 Eh, make that one-thirty.
57790 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
57792 Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
57793 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
57794 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
57796 Words are the voice of the heart.
57798 Words can never express what words can never express.
57800 Words have a longer life than deeds.
57803 Words must be weighed, not counted.
57806 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
57807 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
57809 Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
57810 Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
57813 Work continues in this area.
57814 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
57816 Work expands to fill the time available.
57817 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
57819 Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
57820 the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
57822 -- Bertrand Russell
57824 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
57827 Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
57830 Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
57831 a handshake, and have fun.
57832 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
57833 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
57835 Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
57836 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
57837 any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
57838 should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
57839 and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
57842 Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
57844 Work without a vision is slavery,
57845 Vision without work is a pipe dream,
57846 But vision with work is the hope of the world.
57848 Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
57850 Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
57852 -- Christopher Plummer
57854 World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
57855 since H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
57856 thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
57857 -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
57858 together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
57859 error in the world."
57862 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
57865 Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
57866 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
57868 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
57869 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
57870 -- Steve Rubenstein
57872 Worst Month of the Year:
57873 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
57874 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
57875 get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
57876 -- Steve Rubenstein
57878 Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
57879 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
57880 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
57881 damage my videotapes?"
57883 Worst Vegetable of the Year:
57884 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
57885 -- Steve Rubenstein
57888 Yes, but not worth going to see.
57891 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
57892 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
57893 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
57894 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
57897 Would it help if I got out and pushed?
57898 -- Princess Leia Organa
57900 Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
57903 Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
57905 Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
57908 Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
57910 Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
57912 Would you like to be tried in court by people
57913 who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty?
57915 Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
57917 Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
57920 "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
57922 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
57925 Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
57927 -- "Broadcast News"
57929 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
57932 Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
57935 Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
57937 Write-protect tab, n.:
57938 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
57939 left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
57940 message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
57941 momentary inconvenience.
57944 Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
57945 witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
57946 from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
57947 Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
57948 and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
57949 make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
57950 century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
57951 Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
57952 PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
57953 holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
57954 is itself the one hope for salvation.
57955 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
57957 Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
57960 Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
57962 Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
57963 paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
57966 Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
57969 Writing software is more fun than working.
57973 "Wrong," said Renner.
57975 "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
57976 the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
57979 What You See Is What You Get.
57982 Accept any substitute.
57983 If it's broke, don't fix it.
57984 If it ain't broke, fix it.
57985 Form follows malfunction.
57986 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
57987 The trailing edge of software technology.
57988 Armageddon never looked so good.
57989 Japan's secret weapon.
57990 You'll envy the dead.
57991 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
57992 Let it get in YOUR way.
57993 The problem for your problem.
57994 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
57995 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
57996 Simplicity made complex.
57997 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
57998 Flakey and built to stay that way.
58000 One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
58004 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
58005 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
58006 Built to take on the world... and lose!
58007 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
58008 Power tools for Power Fools.
58009 Putting new limits on productivity.
58010 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
58011 Design by counterexample.
58012 A new level of software disintegration.
58013 No hardware is safe.
58015 Rationalization, not realization.
58016 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
58017 Gratuitous incompatibility.
58019 THE user interference management system.
58020 You can't argue with failure.
58021 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
58023 The environment of today... tomorrow!
58027 Something you can be ashamed of.
58028 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
58029 The first fully modular software disaster.
58030 Rome was destroyed in a day.
58031 Warn your friends about it.
58032 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
58033 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
58034 Don't wait for the movie.
58035 Never use it after a big meal.
58037 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
58038 It'll make your day.
58039 Don't get frustrated without it.
58040 Power tools for power losers.
58041 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
58042 Never had it. Never will.
58043 The software with no visible means of support.
58044 More than just a generation behind.
58046 Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
58050 The ultimate bottleneck.
58051 Flawed beyond belief.
58052 The only thing you have to fear.
58053 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
58054 On autopilot to oblivion.
58055 The joke that kills.
58056 A disgrace you can be proud of.
58057 A mistake carried out to perfection.
58058 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
58059 To err is X windows.
58060 Ignorance is our most important resource.
58061 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
58062 Built to fall apart.
58063 Nullifying centuries of progress.
58064 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
58065 The last thing you need.
58066 The de facto substandard.
58068 Elevating brain damage to an art form.
58072 We will dump no core before its time.
58073 One good crash deserves another.
58074 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
58076 It didn't even look good on paper.
58077 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
58078 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
58079 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
58080 It could happen to you.
58081 The art of incompetence.
58082 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
58083 When uselessness just isn't enough.
58084 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
58085 When you can't afford to be right.
58086 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
58088 If it works, it isn't X windows.
58091 You'd better sit down.
58092 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
58093 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
58094 Live the nightmare.
58095 Our bugs run faster.
58096 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
58097 There ARE no rules.
58098 You'll wish we were kidding.
58099 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
58100 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
58101 There's got to be a better way.
58102 The next best thing to keypunching.
58103 Leave the thrashing to us.
58104 We wrote the book on core dumps.
58105 Even your dog won't like it.
58106 More than enough rope.
58107 Garbage at your fingertips.
58109 Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
58112 Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
58114 Xerox never comes up with anything original.
58117 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
58118 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
58119 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
58120 the managers would fly off.
58122 It costs a lot to build bad products.
58124 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
58125 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
58126 intermingle the two.
58128 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
58129 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
58130 of every airplane's weight.
58132 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
58133 and two-thirds of the problems.
58134 -- Norman Augustine
58137 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
58138 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
58139 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
58142 The more one produces, the less one gets.
58144 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
58146 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
58148 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
58149 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
58150 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
58152 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
58153 unexpected should have been expected.
58155 A billion saved is a billion earned.
58156 -- Norman Augustine
58159 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
58160 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
58162 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
58163 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
58164 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
58165 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
58167 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
58169 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
58170 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
58171 as long as the official's who created it.
58173 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
58174 government workers than there are workers.
58176 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
58177 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
58178 -- Norman Augustine
58180 XML is a giant step in no direction at all.
58183 XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using
58185 -- XML guru Chris Maden
58187 X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
58188 imagination is the plot.
58191 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
58192 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
58193 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
58194 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
58196 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
58197 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
58199 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
58200 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
58201 ten degradation accomplished.
58203 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
58204 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
58206 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
58207 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
58208 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
58209 -- Norman Augustine
58212 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
58214 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
58215 not selling advice.
58217 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
58218 currently estimated.
58220 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
58221 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
58222 costly action known to man.
58224 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
58225 or a new canvas to an artist.
58226 -- Norman Augustine
58229 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
58230 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
58232 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
58234 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
58236 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
58237 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
58238 hang on about half a decade.
58240 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
58241 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
58242 -- Norman Augustine
58245 The optimum committee has no members.
58247 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
58248 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
58250 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
58252 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
58253 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
58256 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
58257 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
58258 the data authenticity.
58259 -- Norman Augustine
58262 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
58263 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
58264 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
58265 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
58267 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
58268 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
58270 The early bird gets the worm.
58271 The early worm ... gets eaten.
58273 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
58274 the year -- in either direction.
58276 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
58277 -- Norman Augustine
58279 Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
58281 Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
58282 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
58283 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
58284 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
58285 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
58286 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgments"
58288 Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
58289 rays and became a tangent ?
58291 Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
58292 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
58294 Yea from the table of my memory
58295 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
58298 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
58299 fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
58300 operators together.
58303 Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
58305 Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
58307 Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
58308 a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
58310 Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
58311 the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
58315 Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
58316 but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
58318 Year Name James Bond Book
58319 ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
58320 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
58321 1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
58322 1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
58323 1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
58324 1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
58325 1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
58326 1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
58327 1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
58328 1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
58329 1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
58330 1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
58331 1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
58332 1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
58333 1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
58334 1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
58335 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
58336 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
58337 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
58338 * -- Not a Broccoli production
58341 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
58342 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
58344 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
58346 Yes, but which self do you want to be?
58348 Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat.
58351 Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
58352 L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
58355 Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
58356 And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
58357 Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
58358 But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
58359 Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
58360 I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
58361 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
58363 Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
58365 -- George Michaelson
58367 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
58368 be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
58371 Yesterday upon the stair
58372 I met a man who wasn't there.
58373 He wasn't there again today --
58374 I think he's from the CIA.
58376 Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
58377 astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
58378 I'm not respectable.
58379 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
58381 Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
58385 Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
58386 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
58389 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
58390 hoping no one will notice.
58391 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
58393 You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
58395 You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
58396 spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
58398 You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
58400 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
58402 You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
58403 use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
58404 the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
58405 moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
58407 You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
58409 You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
58412 You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
58415 You are always busy.
58417 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
58419 You are an insult to my intelligence!
58420 I demand that you log off immediately.
58422 You are as I am with You.
58424 You are capable of planning your future.
58426 You are confused; but this is your normal state.
58428 You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
58430 You are destined to become the commandant of the
58431 fighting men of the department of transportation.
58433 You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
58435 You are fairminded, just and loving.
58437 You are false data.
58439 You are farsighted, a good planner,
58440 an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
58442 You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
58444 You are going to have a new love affair.
58455 But you're not all there.
58457 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
58459 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
58461 You are in the hall of the mountain king.
58463 You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
58465 You are loved by the multitudes.
58466 Have you been to the clinic lately?
58468 You are magnetic in your bearing.
58470 You are never given a wish without also being given the
58471 power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
58473 "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
58475 You are not a fool just because you have done
58476 something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
58478 You are not dead yet.
58479 But watch for further reports.
58481 You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
58482 forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
58483 avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
58486 You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
58487 Please set your clocks back 200 years.
58489 You are number 6! Who is number one?
58491 "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
58492 "All your papers these days look the same;
58493 Those William's would be better unread --
58494 Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
58496 "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
58497 "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
58498 But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
58499 Made it pointless to think any more."
58501 "You are old, father William," the young man said,
58502 "And your hair has become very white;
58503 And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
58504 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
58506 "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
58507 "I feared it might injure the brain;
58508 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
58509 Why, I do it again and again."
58510 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
58512 "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
58513 That your lectures bore people to death.
58514 Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
58515 Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
58517 "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
58518 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
58519 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
58520 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
58522 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
58523 For anything tougher than suet;
58524 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
58525 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
58527 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
58528 And argued each case with my wife;
58529 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
58530 Has lasted the rest of my life."
58531 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
58533 "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
58534 And there isn't one language you like;
58535 Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
58536 Have you thought about taking a hike?"
58538 "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
58539 "Every language looks equally bad;
58540 Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
58541 And don't realize that they've been had."
58543 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
58544 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
58545 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
58546 Pray what is the reason of that?"
58548 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
58549 "I kept all my limbs very supple
58550 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
58551 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
58552 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
58554 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
58555 And make errors few people could bear;
58556 You complain about everyone's English but yours --
58557 Do you really think this is quite fair?"
58559 "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
58560 "But my stature these days is so great
58561 That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
58562 And to stop me it's now far too late."
58564 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
58565 That your eye was as steady as ever;
58566 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
58567 What made you so awfully clever?"
58569 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
58570 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
58571 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
58572 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
58573 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
58575 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
58577 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
58578 Therefore you have few friends.
58580 You are sick, twisted and perverted.
58581 I like that in a person.
58583 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
58585 You are standing on my toes.
58587 You are taking yourself far too seriously.
58589 You are the only person to ever get this message.
58591 You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
58592 points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
58593 attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
58594 chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
58595 gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
58596 rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
58597 trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
58598 vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
58599 long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
58600 dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
58601 head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
58602 are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
58603 transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
58604 to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
58606 You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
58607 That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
58608 To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
58610 You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
58611 this sort of trash.
58613 You ask what a nice girl will do?
58614 She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
58615 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
58617 You attempt things that you do not even plan
58618 because of your extreme stupidity.
58622 You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
58624 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
58625 peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
58626 municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
58627 courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
58628 supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
58629 reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
58630 between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
58631 than a twenty-dollar bill.
58632 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
58634 You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
58637 You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
58639 You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
58640 incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
58641 Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
58642 to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
58643 nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
58644 they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
58645 some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
58647 The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
58648 pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
58650 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
58652 You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
58653 They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
58655 You can approach truth, but never capture it.
58656 Lies can be had 'round the corner.
58657 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
58659 You can be replaced by this computer.
58661 You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
58662 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
58664 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
58665 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
58666 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
58668 You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
58669 know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
58670 they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
58671 they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
58674 You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
58677 You can cage a swallow, can't you,
58678 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
58679 Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
58680 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
58681 A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
58682 -- The Palindromist
58684 You can create your own opportunities this week.
58685 Blackmail a senior executive.
58687 You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
58690 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
58691 Why do you find that funny?
58692 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
58694 You can do very well in speculation where
58695 land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
58697 You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
58699 You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
58700 and the budget is big enough.
58701 -- Joseph E. Levine
58703 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
58704 of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
58706 You can fool some of the people all of the time,
58707 and all of the people some of the time,
58708 but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
58710 You can fool some of the people some of the time,
58711 and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
58713 You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
58715 You can get everything in life you want,
58716 if you will help enough other people get what they want.
58718 You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
58719 can with just a kind word.
58722 You can get much further with a kind word and a
58723 gun than you can with a kind word alone.
58725 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
58727 You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
58729 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
58731 You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
58732 You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
58734 (chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
58735 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
58737 You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
58738 You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
58741 You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
58742 You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
58745 You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
58746 if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
58750 You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
58751 Don't ever count on having both at once.
58754 You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
58757 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
58759 -- Franklin P. Jones
58761 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
58763 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
58764 the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
58767 You can move the world with an idea,
58768 but you have to think of it first.
58770 You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
58772 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
58773 -- Jeannette Rankin
58775 You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
58776 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
58778 What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
58779 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
58781 You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
58782 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
58784 You can now buy more gates with less
58785 specifications than at any other time in history.
58788 You can observe a lot just by watching.
58791 You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
58793 You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
58795 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
58796 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
58797 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
58800 You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
58804 You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
58807 You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
58809 You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
58810 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454,
58811 University of Washington
58813 You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
58814 I've got to have thirty minutes!
58816 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
58818 You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
58819 But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
58822 You cannot have a science without measurement.
58825 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
58827 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
58829 You cannot see the wood for the trees.
58832 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
58835 You cannot use your friends and have them too.
58837 You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
58839 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
58841 You can't cheat an honest man, never give
58842 a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
58845 You can't cheat the phone company.
58847 You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
58849 You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
58850 -- Richard M. Nixon (1952)
58852 You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
58855 You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
58858 "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
58859 Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
58860 she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
58861 children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
58862 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
58864 You can't fall off the floor.
58866 You can't get there from here.
58868 You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
58870 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
58873 You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
58876 You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
58877 -- Booker T. Washington
58879 You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
58881 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
58883 You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
58884 only sooner than she thought you would.
58886 You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
58887 is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
58888 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
58890 You can't make a program without broken egos.
58892 You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
58894 You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
58895 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
58897 You can't push on a string.
58899 You can't run away forever,
58900 But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
58901 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
58903 You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
58907 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
58908 You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
58911 You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.
58912 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
58915 You can't take damsel here now.
58917 You can't take it with you --
58918 especially when crossing a state line.
58920 You can't teach people to be lazy --
58921 either they have it, or they don't.
58922 -- Dagwood Bumstead
58924 You climb to reach the summit, but once
58925 there, discover that all roads lead down.
58926 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
58928 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
58929 and last month in advance.
58931 You could live a better life, if you
58932 had a better mind and a better body.
58934 You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
58936 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
58938 You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
58942 You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
58944 You do not have mail.
58946 You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
58948 You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
58949 if you're not planning on coming back down.
58950 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
58952 You don't have to explain something you never said.
58955 You don't have to know how the computer
58956 works, just how to work the computer.
58958 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
58961 You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
58964 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
58966 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
58968 You enjoy the company of other people.
58970 You feel a whole lot more like you do
58971 now than you did when you used to.
58973 You fill a much-needed gap.
58975 You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
58976 The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
58977 which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
58978 tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
58979 names. Here's the complete text:
58981 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
58982 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
58983 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
58984 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
58985 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
58986 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
58987 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
58988 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
58990 The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
58991 money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
58993 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
58995 You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
58996 what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
58997 -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du go^
\but"
58999 You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
59001 You get what you pay for.
59004 You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
59005 from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
59006 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
59008 You go down to the pickup station,
59009 craving warmth and beauty;
59010 You settle for less than fascination --
59011 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
59012 And the closing lights strip off the shadows
59013 on this strange new flesh you've found --
59014 Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
59015 you hurry to the blackness
59016 and the blankets to lay down an impression
59017 and your loneliness.
59020 You got to be very careful if you don't know
59021 where you're going, because you might not get there.
59024 You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
59025 And you know it don't come easy ...
59026 I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
59027 And you know it don't come easy ...
59029 You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
59031 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
59033 You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
59036 Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
59038 You had some happiness once,
59039 but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
59041 You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
59043 You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
59045 You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
59047 You have a message from the operator.
59049 You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
59050 A pity that it's totally undeserved.
59052 You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
59054 You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
59056 You have a strong desire for a home
59057 and your family interests come first.
59059 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
59061 You have a truly strong individuality.
59063 You have a will that can be influenced
59064 by all with whom you come in contact.
59066 You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
59068 This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
59070 You are permanently confused.
59073 You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
59076 You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
59077 a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
59080 You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
59082 You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
59084 You have an unusual equipment for success.
59085 Be sure to use it properly.
59087 You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
59088 metal objects which are not fastened down.
59090 You have an unusual understanding of
59091 the problems of human relationships.
59093 You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
59094 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
59096 You have been selected for a secret mission.
59098 You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
59100 You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
59102 You have junk mail.
59104 You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
59108 You have many friends and very few living enemies.
59110 You have no real enemies.
59112 You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
59113 -- John Viscount Morley
59115 You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
59116 and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
59118 You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
59121 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
59122 You'll learn a lot today.
59124 You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
59126 You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
59127 If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
59129 "Through the Looking-Glass,
59130 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
59132 You humans are all alike.
59134 You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
59135 at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
59136 simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
59138 You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
59141 You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
59142 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
59144 You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
59147 You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
59148 you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
59149 and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
59151 You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
59154 You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
59155 you people are all going to owe me big.
59158 You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
59159 you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
59161 You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
59162 start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
59165 You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
59168 You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
59169 You're not a kid at thirty-three,
59170 You play around you lose your wife,
59171 You play too long, you lose your life.
59172 Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
59173 Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
59175 You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
59177 -- W. Somerset Maugham
59179 You know, the difference between this company and
59180 the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
59182 You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
59183 anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
59184 you can always change the channel.
59187 You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
59188 on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
59189 -- Richard M. Nixon
59191 You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
59192 and I had my hands about it.
59193 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
59195 You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
59199 You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
59200 next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
59201 him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
59202 meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
59203 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
59205 You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
59208 You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
59209 -- S. Rickly Christian
59211 You know your apartment is small...
59212 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
59213 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
59214 you have to go outside to change your mind.
59215 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
59217 You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
59218 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
59220 You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
59221 daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
59222 mother is allowed to take.
59224 You know you're in a small town when...
59225 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
59226 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
59227 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
59228 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
59229 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
59230 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
59231 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
59233 You know you're in trouble when...
59234 1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
59235 2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
59236 3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
59238 4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
59239 5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
59240 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
59241 6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
59243 You know you're in trouble when...
59244 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
59245 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
59246 2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
59247 and there aren't any.
59248 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
59249 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
59250 5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
59251 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
59253 You know you're in trouble when...
59254 (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
59256 (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
59257 (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
59258 (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
59259 (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
59260 (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
59261 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
59262 (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
59264 You know you're in trouble when...
59265 (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
59266 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
59267 (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
59268 (3) Your income tax check bounces.
59269 (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
59270 (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
59271 (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
59272 after you bought a waterbed.
59273 (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
59274 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
59277 You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
59278 when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
59279 make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
59280 chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
59282 You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
59283 friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
59285 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
59287 You learn to write as if to someone else
59288 because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
59290 You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
59292 You lived with a man who wore white belts?
59293 Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
59294 -- Remington Steele
59296 You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
59302 You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
59304 You may already be a loser.
59305 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
59307 You may be gone tomorrow, but that
59308 doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
59310 You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
59311 but you're infinitely larger than others.
59313 You may be recognized soon. Hide.
59315 You may be right, I may be crazy,
59316 But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
59319 You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
59320 is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
59323 You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
59324 That a young man married is a young man marred.
59325 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
59327 You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
59331 You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
59333 You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
59336 You may my glories and my state dispose,
59337 But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
59338 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
59340 You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
59341 you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
59343 You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
59346 You mean you didn't *know* she was off
59347 making lots of little phone companies?
59349 You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
59350 success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
59351 or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
59352 party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
59353 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
59355 You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
59356 obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
59357 an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
59358 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
59360 You might have mail.
59362 You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
59363 now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
59364 exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
59367 You must dine in our cafeteria.
59368 You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
59370 You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
59371 and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
59372 and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
59373 bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
59374 paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
59375 cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
59376 gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
59377 prosecution for perjury and fraud.
59378 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
59380 You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
59381 to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
59382 are merely deputies of that one.
59385 You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
59386 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
59388 You need more time; and you probably always will.
59390 You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
59393 You need not worry about your future.
59395 You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
59396 reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
59397 the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
59399 -- Charles A. Beard
59401 You never gain something but that you lose something.
59404 You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
59406 You never go anywhere without your soul.
59408 You never have to change anything you
59409 got up in the middle of the night to write.
59412 You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
59414 You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
59417 You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
59420 You never learned anything by doing it right.
59422 You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
59423 got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
59424 "experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
59425 with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
59426 guys were getting stoned!
59429 You now have Asian Flu.
59431 You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
59432 you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
59433 yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
59435 -- J. Wellington Wells
59437 You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
59439 You plan things that you do not even
59440 attempt because of your extreme caution.
59442 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
59444 You prefer the company of the opposite
59445 sex, but are well liked by your own.
59447 You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
59448 know how seldom they do.
59451 You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
59453 You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
59454 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
59462 Let's go be the Vice President...
59464 You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
59466 You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
59467 attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
59468 takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
59469 which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
59470 a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
59471 Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
59472 brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
59473 his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
59474 order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
59475 can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
59476 addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
59477 the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
59481 You see things; and you say "Why?"
59482 But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
59483 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
59484 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
59486 You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
59487 his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
59488 understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
59489 signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
59491 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
59493 You seek to shield those you love
59494 and you like the role of the provider.
59496 You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
59498 You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
59501 You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
59503 You should emulate your heroes, but don't carry it too far. Especially
59506 You should go home.
59508 You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
59509 incest and folk-dancing.
59510 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
59512 You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
59514 -- Ernest Rutherford
59516 You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
59517 because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
59518 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
59520 You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
59521 freedom and liberty.
59524 You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
59525 contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
59526 houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
59527 scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
59528 summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
59529 you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
59530 sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
59531 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
59533 You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
59534 another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
59535 another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
59536 such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
59537 many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
59538 If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
59539 should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
59540 for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
59541 because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
59542 chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
59544 In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
59546 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
59548 You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
59549 plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture.
59550 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
59552 You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
59553 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
59555 You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
59556 your feet in it and swish them around a little.
59559 You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
59561 You teach best what you most need to learn.
59563 You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
59565 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
59567 Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
59568 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
59569 important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
59571 Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
59572 to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
59573 make really big Zorkmids."
59575 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
59576 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
59578 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
59580 You too can wear a nose mitten.
59582 You tread upon my patience.
59583 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
59585 You two ought to be more careful--
59586 your love could drag on for years and years.
59588 You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
59589 Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
59592 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
59594 You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
59596 You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
59598 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
59600 You will be advanced socially,
59601 without any special effort on your part.
59603 You will be aided greatly by a person
59604 whom you thought to be unimportant.
59606 You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
59607 a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
59609 You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
59611 You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
59613 You will be awarded some great honor.
59615 You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
59617 You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
59619 You will be dead within a year.
59621 You will be divorced within a year.
59623 You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
59625 You will be held hostage by a radical group.
59627 You will be honored for contributing
59628 your time and skill to a worthy cause.
59630 You will be imprisoned for contributing
59631 your time and skill to a bank robbery.
59633 You will be married within a year.
59635 You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
59637 You will be misunderstood by everyone.
59639 You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
59641 You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
59643 You will be run over by a beer truck.
59645 You will be run over by a bus.
59647 You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
59649 You will be successful in love.
59651 You will be surprised by a loud noise.
59653 You will be surrounded by luxury.
59655 You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
59657 You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
59659 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
59661 You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
59663 You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
59665 You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
59667 You will contract a rare disease.
59669 You will engage in a profitable business activity.
59671 You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
59673 You will feel hungry again in another hour.
59675 You will find me drinking gin
59676 In the lowest kind of inn,
59677 Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
59678 -- G. K. Chesterton
59680 You will forget that you ever knew me.
59682 You will gain money by a fattening action.
59684 You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
59686 You will gain money by an illegal action.
59688 You will gain money by an immoral action.
59690 You will get what you deserve.
59692 You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
59694 You will have a head crash on your private pack.
59696 You will have a long and boring life.
59698 You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
59700 You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
59702 You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
59704 You will have long and healthy life.
59706 You will have many recoverable tape errors.
59708 You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
59710 You will inherit millions of dollars.
59712 You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
59714 You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
59716 You will live to see your grandchildren.
59718 You will lose an important disk file.
59720 You will lose an important tape file.
59722 You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
59723 mayonnaise salesman.
59725 You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
59727 You will never amount to much.
59728 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
59730 You will never know hunger.
59732 You will not be elected to public office this year.
59734 You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
59736 You will outgrow your usefulness.
59738 You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
59740 You will pass away very quickly.
59742 You will pay for your sins.
59743 If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
59745 You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
59747 You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
59749 You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
59751 You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
59753 You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
59755 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
59756 was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
59757 the butter upon a hot day.
59760 You will soon forget this.
59762 You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
59764 You will step on the night soil of many countries.
59766 You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
59767 but only because your brakes are defective.
59769 You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
59771 You will triumph over your enemy.
59773 You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
59775 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
59777 You will wish you hadn't.
59779 You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
59782 You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
59784 You worry too much about your job.
59785 Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
59787 "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
59788 of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
59789 Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
59790 Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
59791 give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
59792 momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
59793 yourself in this way."
59794 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
59796 You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
59798 You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
59799 be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
59800 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
59802 You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
59803 taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
59807 You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
59808 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
59810 You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
59813 What you always were,
59814 Which has nothing to do with,
59815 All to do, with her.
59818 You'll be called to a post requiring
59819 ability in handling groups of people.
59823 You'll feel devilish tonight.
59824 Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
59826 You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
59828 You'll never be the man your mother was!
59830 You'll never see all the places, or read all the
59831 books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
59833 You'll wish that you had done some of the
59834 hard things when they were easier to do.
59836 Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
59837 counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
59838 experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
59839 them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
59840 of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
59841 have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
59842 actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
59843 to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
59844 principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
59845 which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
59846 not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
59847 nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
59848 repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
59849 content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
59850 compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
59851 the defects of both.
59852 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
59854 Young men, hear an old man to whom
59855 old men hearkened when he was young.
59858 Young men think old men are fools;
59859 but old men know young men are fools.
59862 Your aim is high and to the right.
59864 Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
59866 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
59867 thing he tells you.
59869 Your best consolation is the hope that the things
59870 you failed to get weren't really worth having.
59872 Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
59874 Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
59876 Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
59878 Your business will assume vast proportions.
59880 Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
59882 Your code should be more efficient!
59884 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
59886 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
59888 Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
59891 Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
59892 ...Here's How You Can Tell
59893 Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
59894 can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
59895 listed 10 signs to watch for:
59896 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
59897 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
59898 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
59899 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
59900 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
59901 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
59902 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
59903 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
59904 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
59905 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
59906 The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
59907 all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
59908 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984
59910 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
59912 Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
59914 Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
59915 dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
59916 attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
59917 minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
59918 Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
59919 medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
59920 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
59921 seconds if we felt like it.
59922 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
59924 Your domestic life may be harmonious.
59926 Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
59928 Your fault: core dumped
59930 Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
59933 Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
59938 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
59939 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
59940 type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
59941 Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
59942 California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
59944 PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
59945 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
59946 fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
59947 bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
59948 other discover your good qualities without your help.
59953 ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
59954 Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be
59955 sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
59956 and you will live all the days of your life.
59958 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
59959 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
59960 in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
59961 brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
59962 miss two car payments.
59964 GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
59965 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
59966 common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
59967 at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
59968 Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
59974 CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
59975 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
59976 you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
59977 in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
59978 to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
59980 LEO (July 23 - August 22)
59981 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
59982 heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
59983 in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
59986 VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
59987 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
59988 affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
59989 is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
59990 career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
59991 than people who work standing up.
59993 Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
59994 meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
59995 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
59997 Your goose is cooked.
59998 (Your current chick is burned up too!)
60000 Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
60002 Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
60004 Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
60006 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
60008 Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
60010 Your love life will be... interesting.
60012 Your lover will never wish to leave you.
60014 Your lucky color has faded.
60016 Your lucky number has been disconnected.
60018 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
60019 Watch for it everywhere.
60021 Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
60022 original and the part that is original is not good.
60025 Your mind is the part of you that says,
60026 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
60027 ... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
60028 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
60029 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
60031 Your mind understands what you have been
60032 taught; your heart, what is true.
60034 Your mode of life will be changed for
60035 the better because of good news soon.
60037 Your mode of life will be changed for
60038 the better because of new developments.
60040 Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
60042 Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
60044 Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
60045 Face like ice, a little bit colder
60046 She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
60047 You learned in school"
60048 But I don't really see
60049 Why can't we go on as three?
60050 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
60052 Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
60053 may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
60055 Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
60057 Your object is to save the world,
60058 while still leading a pleasant life.
60060 Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
60061 true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
60062 mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
60063 Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
60064 are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
60066 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
60068 Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
60070 Your password is pitifully obvious.
60072 Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
60074 Your present plans will be successful.
60076 Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
60078 Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
60080 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
60081 need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
60082 picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
60083 the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
60085 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
60087 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
60089 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
60091 Your step will soil many countries.
60093 Your supervisor is thinking about you.
60095 Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
60097 Your temporary financial embarrassment will
60098 be relieved in a surprising manner.
60100 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
60102 Your wig steers the gig.
60105 Your wise men don't know how it feels
60106 To be thick as a brick.
60107 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
60109 Your worship is your furnaces
60110 which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
60111 have molten bowels; your vision is
60112 machines for making more machines.
60113 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
60115 You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
60117 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
60118 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
60120 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
60121 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
60123 When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
60124 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
60126 You're all clear now, kid.
60127 Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
60130 You're almost as happy as you think you are.
60132 You're already carrying the sphere!
60134 You're always thinking you're gonna be
60135 the one that makes 'em act different.
60136 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
60138 You're at the end of the road again.
60140 You're at Witt's End.
60142 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
60144 You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
60146 You're definitely on their list.
60147 The question to ask next is what list it is.
60149 You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
60150 -- Eldridge Cleaver
60152 You're growing out of some of your problems,
60153 but there are others that you're growing into.
60155 You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
60156 except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus.
60159 You're never too old to become younger.
60162 You're not Dave. Who are you?
60164 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
60167 You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
60169 You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
60170 only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
60172 You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
60174 You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
60176 You're working under a slight handicap.
60177 You happen to be human.
60179 Yours is not to reason why,
60181 And when you find you have to throw
60183 Remember life as was it is,
60185 Chasing sounds across the galaxy
60186 'Till silence is but a blur.
60189 Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
60191 Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
60192 courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
60193 -- Robert F. Kennedy
60195 Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
60197 Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
60198 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
60200 Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
60201 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
60203 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
60204 -- George Bernard Shaw
60206 Youth is the trustee of posterity.
60208 Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
60209 when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
60211 You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
60214 You've been Berkeley'ed!
60216 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
60218 You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
60219 and now you're telling me just to be myself?
60220 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
60222 You've decked the halls with a dozen miles' length of electric lights.
60223 Your front lawn is a gleaming testament of incandescent wonder. The neighbors
60224 wear sunglasses 24/7, and orbiting satellites have officially picked up
60225 and pinpointed your house as the brightest spot on earth.
60227 You've finally put together the Christmas wonderland of your dreams... now
60228 if only you could get a good picture of it.
60230 Photographing holiday lights is no easy task.
60231 -- from an email sent by photojojo.com
60233 You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.
60236 You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
60238 You've got to think about tomorrow!
60240 TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\byesterday* yet!
60243 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
60244 (see also Computer).
60247 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
60249 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
60253 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
60256 The result of shutting down a production line.
60258 Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
60259 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
60261 Zeus gave Leda the bird.
60264 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
60266 Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words
60267 since I first call'd my brother's father dad.
60268 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
60270 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
60271 People are always available for work in the past tense.
projects / dragonfly.git / blob