1 %% $FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy,v 1.2.2.1 2002/08/09 20:40:29 fanf Exp $
2 %% $DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy,v 1.2 2003/06/17 04:25:24 dillon Exp $
3 A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
5 A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
7 A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
9 A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled
10 with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
12 Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
14 All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
15 by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
17 All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow
18 a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know
21 All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
23 All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
25 All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
27 Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
29 Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
33 Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
37 America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into
38 your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind ...
40 An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
42 An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
44 An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
46 And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
48 ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO
51 Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
53 Are we live or on tape?
59 Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
61 Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
63 Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
65 Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
67 As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
69 Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
71 BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
73 Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
74 But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!!
76 BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY
77 WAY" I've ever heard!!
79 Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
81 BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
83 BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
85 ... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
87 Bo Derek ruined my life!
89 Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
91 Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
93 But they went to MARS around 1953!!
95 But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
97 Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
99 Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
101 Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!
103 CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
105 Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
107 Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
109 Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL
110 NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn
111 LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!
113 CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
114 DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
116 Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds
117 TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ...
119 Could I have a drug overdose?
121 Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in
124 Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
126 Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
130 Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
132 Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
134 DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
136 Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
138 Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
139 straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the
142 Do I have a lifestyle yet?
144 Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
146 Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
148 Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"?
150 Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days?
152 Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
154 does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
156 DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!!
157 Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
159 Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
163 Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ...
164 FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK
165 STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ... Are there any QUESTIONS??
167 Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
169 Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
171 Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!!
173 Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
175 Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a
178 Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...
180 Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of
183 FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
185 Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty
188 First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... So
189 just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
191 FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
193 for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
195 Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
198 FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ...
200 FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
202 Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my
203 satellite dish PAYMENTS!
205 Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
207 Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
209 Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
211 GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my
214 HAIR TONICS, please!!
216 Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
218 Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for
221 Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??
223 Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ... Now, it's
224 time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
226 ... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
228 He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him --
230 He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me
231 like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to
232 PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING
233 MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO!
235 HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
237 HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
239 Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
241 Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan
244 Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES
245 being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
247 Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No
250 Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I
253 Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample
256 Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
258 Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
261 Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment?
263 Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!
265 Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
267 Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
268 drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
270 Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a
273 Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
276 Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET
277 FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ...
279 Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL
282 Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ...
284 HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
288 How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th'
289 MOUSTACHE ... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY,
290 HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce
293 How many returned bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL
294 SHARPENERS right NOW??
296 How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
298 How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
300 hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
302 HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
304 HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ...
306 I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
308 I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.
310 I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
312 I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
314 I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
316 I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
320 I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
322 I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!
324 I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
326 I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB
327 GUCCIONE has these problems!
329 I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
330 LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...
334 I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO!
336 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE ... I think it's all
337 just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell
340 ... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
341 LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
343 I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in
346 ... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
348 I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
350 I feel ... JUGULAR ...
352 I feel better about world problems now!
354 I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
356 I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSHCHEV ...
358 I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
360 I feel partially hydrogenated!
362 I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the
363 "WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ... They look NICE
366 I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...
368 I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
370 I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
372 I had pancake makeup for brunch!
374 I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
376 I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.
378 I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
380 I have accepted Provolone into my life!
382 I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
384 ... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
386 -- I have seen the FUN --
388 I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ...
390 I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the
393 I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
395 I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because
396 my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!!
398 I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
399 every day from Oral Roberts!!
401 I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...
403 I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to
406 I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...
408 I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life
411 I invented skydiving in 1989!
413 I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
415 I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
417 I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he
420 I just had a NOSE JOB!!
422 I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
424 I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch
425 with my LEISURE SUIT!!
427 I just remembered something about a TOAD!
429 I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW
434 I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
436 I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
438 I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
440 I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
442 I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS
444 I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
446 -- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away
449 I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in
452 I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio
455 I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
457 I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
459 I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL
462 I represent a sardine!!
464 I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
466 ... I see TOILET SEATS ...
468 I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"!
470 I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
472 I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
474 I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
476 ... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
479 I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while
480 reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
482 I think my career is ruined!
484 I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH
485 RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
487 ... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
489 I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
491 I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
493 I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!!
495 I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n
498 ... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
499 SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
501 I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
503 I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE
506 I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
508 I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
510 ... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
512 I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...
514 I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
516 I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY
519 I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
520 formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with
523 I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
525 I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
527 I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
529 I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
531 I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
533 I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
535 I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE
538 I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
540 I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
542 I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
544 I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
546 I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --
548 I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
550 I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
552 I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
554 I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN
557 I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
559 I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
561 I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
563 I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!
565 I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO
566 MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"!
568 I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
570 I'm definitely not in Omaha!
572 I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
573 miniature DOMED STADIUM ...
575 I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...
577 I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
579 I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
581 I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
583 I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
585 I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
587 I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
589 I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS
591 I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!
593 I'm having an emotional outburst!!
595 I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in
598 I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and
599 wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
601 I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
603 ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
606 I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
610 I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
613 I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD
614 STERLING when you really need him?
616 I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
618 I'm not available for comment..
620 I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??
622 I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO
625 I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife
626 and two children stand QUIETLY BY ...
630 I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
632 I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with
635 I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin
638 I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!
640 I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM
641 ... I'm VIBRATORY ...
643 I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated
646 I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of
649 I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER
650 WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
652 I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
656 I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR
659 I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
661 I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
663 I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
664 SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
666 I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
668 ... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im
669 antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche
672 If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for
673 MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a
674 GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
676 If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old
679 If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
681 If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
682 replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
684 If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
686 If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
688 ... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate
691 If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
693 if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
695 If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
697 If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry
700 In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental
703 In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
705 INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
707 Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
709 Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in
712 Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders?? Is the FROG
713 his GUIDELIGHT?? It is curious that a DOG runs already on the
716 Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one
719 Is it clean in other dimensions?
721 Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a
722 plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
724 Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
726 Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"?
728 Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
730 Is this TERMINAL fun?
732 Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
733 makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
737 It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
739 It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID
742 It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
744 It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!!
746 It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA
747 in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making
750 It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
752 It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
754 JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level
755 of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...
757 Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
759 Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...
761 Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be
764 Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
765 PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
767 Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machine
768 is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
770 LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
772 Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a
773 SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your
776 Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...
778 Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!
780 Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
782 Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
784 Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
786 Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
788 Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a
791 Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge
794 Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
796 LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
799 Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
801 Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a
802 cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
804 Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
806 MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
808 MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
810 Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the
811 shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a
812 TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and
813 SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE,
814 BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
815 animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! For DESSERT,
816 I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE
819 Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of
820 the INDONESIAN archipelago?
822 My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
824 My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE
825 FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
827 My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New
832 My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's
835 My haircut is totally traditional!
837 MY income is ALL disposable!
839 My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...
841 My life is a patio of fun!
843 My mind is a potato field ...
845 My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
847 My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
851 ... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
854 My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
856 My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
858 My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!
860 My vaseline is RUNNING...
862 NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!
864 NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- They
865 COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They
866 did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but
867 they were OFF-KEY ...
869 NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
871 Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
873 Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ...
876 Now I am depressed ...
878 Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST
879 BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
881 Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!
883 Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the
884 BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
886 Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World
889 Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round wives of
890 HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached
891 by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
893 Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
895 Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING
896 and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
898 Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
900 ... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
902 Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
904 Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
906 Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
908 Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
910 Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR
913 OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED
914 R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
916 OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
917 and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
918 it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S
919 the WASHING MACHINES?
921 On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS
922 PHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
924 On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
925 QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
927 On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
930 Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
931 DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
934 Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION
935 statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was
936 completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely
937 amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we
938 finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled
941 One FISHWICH coming up!!
943 ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to
944 the downtown PLASMA CENTER ...
945 TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ...
946 THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
948 ... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last
951 Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this
952 table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also
953 leave a GENEROUS TIP ....
955 over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...
957 OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND
960 PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
962 Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your
965 PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
969 Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the
970 Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
972 Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
974 Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
976 PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!
978 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
982 Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by
987 SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS
988 ... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes,
989 starring JANE FONDA!!
991 Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA
994 SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into
997 Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
999 Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a
1002 Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
1003 hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
1007 So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
1009 So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL
1010 INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2
1011 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
1013 someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
1015 Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
1017 Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB
1020 Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a
1021 batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
1023 Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it
1026 Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
1028 TAILFINS!! ... click ...
1030 Talking Pinhead Blues:
1031 Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel
1034 Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been
1035 DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
1037 My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG
1038 won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
1040 So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!
1041 (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
1043 TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash
1044 Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
1046 Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me to
1047 Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
1049 Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
1051 Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
1053 The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
1054 the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
1056 The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
1057 and have since BIRTH!!
1059 The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my
1060 SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
1062 The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
1064 ... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
1067 The Korean War must have been fun.
1069 ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
1071 The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at
1074 The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
1076 The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARS
1079 The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...
1081 There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
1082 in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
1084 There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
1086 These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
1088 They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen
1091 This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!
1093 This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
1095 This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up
1096 against someone's MARTINI!!
1098 ... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
1100 This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
1102 This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
1104 This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE is
1105 talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...
1107 Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD
1108 SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
1110 Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the
1111 aesthetic modules --
1113 Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER
1114 before his MAKEOVER!
1116 Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ...
1117 Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
1119 TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
1121 Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
1122 frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
1124 Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
1126 UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by
1129 UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a
1130 NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.
1132 Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
1134 UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
1136 Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
1138 VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
1140 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
1143 Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat
1146 Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!
1148 We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot
1151 We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
1153 We just joined the civil hair patrol!
1155 We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
1156 45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
1158 Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I
1159 HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ...
1160 EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
1162 Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to
1163 VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
1165 Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES
1168 Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL
1171 Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
1173 What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!!
1175 What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
1177 What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...
1179 What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
1181 What PROGRAM are they watching?
1183 What UNIVERSE is this, please??
1185 What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
1187 When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or
1188 DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ...
1190 When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...
1192 When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
1194 When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING
1195 BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION
1196 and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
1198 Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
1200 Where does it go when you flush?
1202 Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
1204 Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
1206 Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!
1208 While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit
1209 priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
1211 While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... his
1212 will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"!
1214 WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
1216 WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be the
1219 Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
1221 Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know your
1224 Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
1226 Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT
1229 Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
1231 Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air?
1233 Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
1235 With YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ...
1237 World War III? No thanks!
1239 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
1242 Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!
1244 Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"!
1246 Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON
1249 You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
1251 You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'
1252 distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
1254 You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
1256 YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
1258 You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW
1261 You were s'posed to laugh!
1263 YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
1264 DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!
1266 Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
1268 Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental
1273 Yow! Am I having fun yet?
1275 Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?
1277 Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
1279 Yow! Are we laid back yet?
1281 Yow! Are we wet yet?
1283 Yow! Are you the self-frying president?
1285 Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
1287 Yow! I just went below the poverty line!
1289 Yow! I threw up on my window!
1291 Yow! I want my nose in lights!
1293 Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
1295 Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel
1298 Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
1300 Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
1302 Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??
1304 Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
1306 Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!
1308 Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --
1310 Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING
1311 BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
1313 Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!
1315 Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
1317 Yow! We're going to a new disco!
1319 YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
1321 YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
1323 YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM
1326 YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
1328 YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
1330 YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of
1331 CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
1333 YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
1335 Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...