1 This fortune brought to you by:
2 The DragonFly BSD Project
5 I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
6 I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works
9 I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
10 I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory.
11 On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping,
12 And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea.
14 I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
15 I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers.
16 I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing,
17 And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars.
19 I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
20 Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra?
21 I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude...
22 Just like my dear Pappa.
29 Thanks for last night.
31 Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
34 Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
35 I'm not half the man I used to be.
36 Oh, how did I get leprosy?
38 Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss.
39 Now it even hurts to take a piss.
40 Oh why did I get syphilis?
42 Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
43 I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ...
44 -- To the tune of "Yesterday"
46 My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
47 Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
48 Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
49 Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
50 These are a few of my favorite drugs.
52 Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
53 Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
54 Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
55 These are a few of my favorite drugs.
57 Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
58 Users of heroin, often called junkies
59 Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
60 Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
65 I simply take more of my favorite drugs
66 And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
68 NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
69 "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
70 short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
71 promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
74 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
76 An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth
77 Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all
78 who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.
79 In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following
80 beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma:
82 --That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from
84 --That pi equals precisely 3.000.
85 --That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully
87 --That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
89 Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
90 including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood
91 special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal
95 Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
97 What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
99 Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't
100 recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates
101 caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have
102 I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
104 But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
105 And am I not the master of my own?
108 What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
109 just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed
110 Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
112 Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles.
115 ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
116 those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
117 and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
118 Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
119 they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
120 people go to the front of the bus."
121 But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
122 deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
123 yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
124 unto a snowball in Hell."
125 -- "The Begatting of a President"
127 A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks
128 over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
130 So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
132 A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
133 of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
134 drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she
135 probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
136 When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He
137 says, "Hello. Is my wife there?"
138 "Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
139 "Is she with her lover?"
140 The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
141 that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
142 The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you
143 say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check
144 to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
145 two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
146 the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
147 The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
148 silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back
149 to the phone and says "It's done."
150 The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
151 "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
152 "Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?"
154 A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
155 This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
156 them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
157 following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
158 he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
159 the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
160 see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the
161 Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
162 At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
163 he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
164 Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
165 his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
166 brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
167 down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
168 right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
170 A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
171 for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do
173 Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
174 "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
175 Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
177 "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
178 Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
180 The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
181 Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
182 answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
184 Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do
185 you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
187 A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
188 from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
189 "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think
190 you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
191 him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out."
192 The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
193 are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly
194 gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
195 the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
197 The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
198 on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a
199 scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
200 pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
201 finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out
202 of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!"
203 "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
204 this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured
205 what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach,
206 you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
208 A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
209 in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
210 and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a
211 conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar
212 go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by
213 seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
214 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
215 "Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?"
216 He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
217 "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and
218 hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
219 goodbye, and runs out the front door.
220 He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
222 "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
223 "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went
224 to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We
225 had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
226 "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me!
227 You've been bowling again!"
229 A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
230 "Hi, honey, I'm home."
231 There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note
232 on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
233 8. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
235 Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his
236 stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
237 from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
238 doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
239 girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said.
240 He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
241 was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
242 the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
243 complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!"
245 A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing
246 out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
247 "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!"
248 The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green
249 valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad,"
251 Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps,
252 "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
254 A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
255 bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
256 "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
257 About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
258 6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
259 To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
261 Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
262 NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
263 in your family like pussy?"
264 "Yeah. Me and my sister."
266 A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
267 Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
268 down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip
269 and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
270 is eight-year-old Scotch."
271 The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
272 pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
273 most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
274 had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this
276 A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
277 conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
278 The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which
279 the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
281 A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
282 up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
284 After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
285 struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
286 worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
287 Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is
288 pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
289 After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
290 walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
291 Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
292 after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
293 in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
295 Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
296 "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
297 "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
299 A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
300 flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
301 large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
302 "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
303 "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
304 After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
305 asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
307 "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better
308 hung than *anybody*."
309 "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
310 "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last
311 all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
312 "Running Bear Sheldon."
314 A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
315 He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
316 gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
317 were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
318 what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
319 "Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
320 a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
321 ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
322 "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
323 clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
324 "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
325 hasn't been your day, has it?"
327 A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
328 particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
329 man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
330 fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
331 felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
332 the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
333 Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
334 quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
335 "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
336 With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
337 like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
339 A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
340 while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
341 was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
342 Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
343 The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
344 that he had ever eaten.
345 "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What
347 "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
348 "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
349 "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
350 "Rabbits don't make any noise..."
351 "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
353 A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
354 asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
355 symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
356 The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
357 "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
358 The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little
359 girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She
360 turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
361 "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
363 The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
364 silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
365 staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
367 "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
368 like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
369 another one was going to show up."
371 A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
372 car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
373 and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
374 Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
375 Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was
376 decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
377 driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
378 "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
379 aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
380 at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
381 "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
382 like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
384 A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
385 some good news and some bad news."
386 He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
387 She replied, "You're not sterile."
389 A sociologist, a psychologist, and an engineer were discussing the
390 consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The
391 sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
392 for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
393 and lustful pursuits.
394 The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
395 if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
396 then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
397 is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
398 The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
399 a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the
400 affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair
401 is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
402 is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
403 his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
405 A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
406 for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
407 qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
408 white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
409 The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
410 that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
411 him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
412 "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
413 your dog, here, talk!"
414 "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
415 heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
416 good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
417 "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
418 "the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
419 "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
420 heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
421 the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
422 The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
423 final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
424 "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
426 A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
427 asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!"
428 She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
429 work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
430 should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things."
431 So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
432 "You get laid today, Billy?"
435 "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
437 A month later: "You get laid today?"
440 "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
442 A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The
443 Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
444 The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
445 miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
446 Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
447 -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
448 Life in the Universe"
450 A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
451 They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
452 love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
453 to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
454 She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
457 A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
458 whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
460 The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
462 All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
463 number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
464 was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
465 vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really
466 expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
467 Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
468 NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
469 is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
470 TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
471 We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
472 Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
473 to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
474 their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
475 running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
476 But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National
477 Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
478 drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
479 always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip
480 if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
481 -- Hunter S. Thompson
483 An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before
484 officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
485 house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
487 Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
488 Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy."
489 When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
490 which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
491 After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
492 a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
494 Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
495 new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
497 The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
498 "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
500 An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
501 city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
502 arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
503 the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
504 testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
505 The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
506 Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
507 served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
508 much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
509 "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
511 An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
512 man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
514 "My name is Mary," said the woman.
515 "And mine is Joseph," said the man.
516 "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
519 "Your reason for going there?"
520 "To pay our taxes to the government."
521 "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
522 "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
525 An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
526 remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
527 "I have a dead pussy."
528 The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
529 "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
531 And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
532 They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
533 ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
534 very selfhood revealed."
535 And Jesus replied, "What?"
537 Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how
538 Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
539 an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
540 rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling
541 a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well,
542 all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
544 SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
545 sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
546 the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
547 muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
548 "Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
549 of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
550 using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
551 SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
552 immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
553 textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
554 limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
556 Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
557 his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
558 executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight
559 loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
560 pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and an almost non-existent lunch, he
561 was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
562 "if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he
563 finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
564 lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
565 was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same
566 regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
567 he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the
568 following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown
569 to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by an extremely
570 muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
571 a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!"
573 Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
574 Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
575 the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only
576 one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
577 have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
578 was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied,
579 "Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
580 Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
581 squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
582 headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
583 Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
584 Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
586 Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
587 Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
588 Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
589 Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
591 Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
594 Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
595 Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
596 subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
597 sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
598 treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
599 Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
600 blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
601 Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
602 see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
603 "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
604 "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
606 Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
607 friend asked him how it went.
608 "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
609 night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
610 times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
611 last night, nothing!"
612 "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
613 "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
615 "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
618 "Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards."
621 Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
622 particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
623 a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
624 said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
625 himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
626 your ass, you ugly cunt."
627 When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
628 the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
629 you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
630 your play can go fuck yourselves."
631 At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
632 to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And
633 if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
635 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
639 "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
640 "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
641 something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by
642 the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
643 `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
644 -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
646 "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
647 We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
648 "But this is different," protested her husband.
649 "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
650 Now tell me what our problem is."
651 "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
654 Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
655 to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it
656 quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
657 had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
658 now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
659 in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
660 the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
661 she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
662 response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
663 ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
664 and you... uh... don't have all the..."
665 "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
667 During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
668 husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
669 she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
671 Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
672 blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
673 while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
674 to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
675 pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
676 He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
677 stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
678 But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
679 protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
680 tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
681 Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
682 tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
683 And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
684 by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
685 and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
687 Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
688 and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better
689 than fried chicken, is it?"
690 Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
691 "I got to be dead honest, Roy."
692 And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
693 Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
694 ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
695 can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
696 finest I've ever had."
697 -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
699 Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets,
700 those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
701 needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport.
702 Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitor's trousers at
703 the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
704 No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The
705 ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the
706 contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers
707 should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
708 the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
709 Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
710 The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
711 of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
712 not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
715 Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
716 a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
717 baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
718 ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
719 The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
720 which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
721 you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
723 Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
724 obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
725 floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette
726 girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
727 of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
729 The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
730 all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
731 girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
732 about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
733 as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
734 "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
735 "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
738 Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
739 "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
740 only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
741 Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if
742 only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
743 Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
744 could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
746 "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
747 said the guy aggressively.
748 "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
749 "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
752 "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
754 "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
755 "Oh, no, you're not."
756 "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
757 "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
759 For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
760 vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an
761 affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting
762 few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
763 short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
764 "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
765 he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
766 and the baby would have my name!"
767 "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
768 we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
769 better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
771 "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
772 matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
773 pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
775 "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
776 agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
777 lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
778 though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
779 innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
780 were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
781 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
783 Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
784 proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
785 and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself
786 to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
787 nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
788 All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
789 she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
790 The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
791 in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
792 surprise," smiled the bride.
793 Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
794 leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
795 "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
796 Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
798 "Hello, Police Department."
799 "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
800 molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
801 "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
802 "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
803 on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
804 Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
805 I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
806 held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
807 couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
808 pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
809 erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
810 throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
811 Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
812 my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
813 say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
814 know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
815 "What's the matter, mister?"
816 "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
818 "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame
819 society. Society made me what I am today!"
820 "That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk
822 "It still... hurts... auugghh!"
823 "You're going to be okay..."
828 "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
829 the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
830 "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
831 take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
832 camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
833 the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
834 the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
835 The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
836 like twenty more gallons of water.
837 The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
838 man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
839 The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
842 "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
843 "Oh, how can you tell?"
844 "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
847 In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
848 without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
849 they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
852 And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
853 "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
854 the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
855 container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
856 before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
857 the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
858 and none may abide by its strength."
860 And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
861 Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
862 it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
863 the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
864 growth of the Laboratories."
866 And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
869 It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
870 they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
871 One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
872 them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
873 Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
874 thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
875 Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
876 brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
878 It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving
879 in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
880 Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They
881 said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private
882 life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the
883 Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the
884 Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
885 -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
887 It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
888 American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
889 sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
890 ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
891 "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this
892 country there's only one."
893 "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez
895 "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
896 "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!"
898 "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
900 "You really want to know?"
902 "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And
903 Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
905 Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
906 seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
907 with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however,
908 it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
909 again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This
910 suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
911 life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis
912 become stuck in such an awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened:
913 The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After
914 some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
915 The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
916 male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until
917 the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the
918 male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
919 Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
920 on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
921 a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies
922 matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
923 Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
924 has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is
925 why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
926 to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
927 occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
929 Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
930 mirror, admiring her breasts.
931 "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
932 "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
933 twenty-five-year-old."
934 "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
936 "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
938 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
939 Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day,
940 without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In
941 an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
943 They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
944 in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
945 them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're
946 hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
948 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
949 be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
950 any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
951 Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
953 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
954 spits in the sergeants face.
955 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
958 "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
959 barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
962 Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
963 people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
964 times a job applicant has had the clap.
965 Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
966 by a professional liar?
967 If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
968 did the applicant go to TCU?
969 If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
970 have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
971 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
973 Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
974 bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the
975 court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed
976 that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
977 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the
978 women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
979 played appropriate music.
980 Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
981 He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
982 rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
983 multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
984 After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
985 King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
986 his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
987 but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
988 The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
989 banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
991 One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
992 and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and
993 turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
994 Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
995 one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
996 The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
997 way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
999 One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
1000 seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp
1001 and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
1002 bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
1003 flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves,
1004 soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid
1005 her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
1006 He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
1007 connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
1008 Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM."
1009 With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
1010 his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
1011 discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying
1012 various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
1013 all of its field strength.
1014 Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids.
1015 With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field,
1016 so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.
1017 -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
1019 One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
1020 visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
1021 up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
1022 say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
1023 kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
1024 The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
1025 the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so,
1026 he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
1027 Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
1028 "Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?"
1029 "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He
1032 One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
1033 HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
1034 there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
1035 made his TOOTSIE ROLL.
1036 He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
1037 which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
1038 squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
1040 -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
1042 One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
1043 sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
1044 of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
1045 worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
1046 "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an
1047 instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
1048 the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back
1049 into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
1050 "Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
1051 "Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost
1052 dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
1053 The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
1054 out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday,
1055 grandpa.", he remarks.
1056 "Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma."
1058 "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
1059 science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
1060 some concrete example."
1061 Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
1062 "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
1063 a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true."
1064 "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
1065 the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
1066 "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
1067 to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
1068 "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
1069 example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
1070 course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
1071 -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
1073 Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
1074 state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
1075 dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
1076 and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and
1077 eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
1079 "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!"
1080 Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
1081 was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
1082 flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
1083 "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!"
1084 As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
1085 amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
1086 So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
1087 tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
1088 "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
1091 Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
1092 Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
1094 People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
1095 motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in
1096 jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
1097 bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
1098 then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
1099 a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of
1100 a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
1101 out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
1102 side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
1103 Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt
1104 blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
1105 of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has
1106 the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
1107 are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the
1109 When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
1110 of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
1111 junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
1112 that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
1113 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
1115 People who write position papers often find themselves in an
1116 enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
1118 A good position paper will have many words in it like
1119 "superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
1120 You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
1121 limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
1122 Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
1123 position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert
1124 Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
1125 A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
1127 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
1129 Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
1130 has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
1131 Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
1132 The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is
1133 definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
1134 gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
1135 The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay
1137 He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
1139 She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
1140 at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
1141 "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
1142 Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
1143 warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
1144 Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
1145 gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
1147 Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
1148 stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If
1149 this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
1150 doesn't deserve to have any."
1152 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
1153 failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
1154 remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
1157 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
1158 complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a
1159 while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."
1161 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
1162 pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
1163 sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
1164 more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
1165 on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
1166 out of the car. "Run for your life!"
1168 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
1169 Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
1170 story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
1171 roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
1173 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
1174 maybe, but not in the House."
1177 Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
1178 still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
1179 Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
1180 exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
1181 Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
1182 Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
1183 love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
1185 "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I
1186 assure you, that's a wee-wee."
1188 Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
1189 certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
1190 own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
1191 care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young
1192 statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, then wryly commented, "Suck my
1194 While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
1195 asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
1196 "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
1197 whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
1198 Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
1199 the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
1200 Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
1201 upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was
1202 wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
1203 had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
1204 and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
1205 stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
1206 you staring at, homo?"
1207 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
1209 "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
1211 "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
1212 answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
1213 "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
1215 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't
1216 just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
1217 primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
1218 and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
1219 saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
1220 you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
1221 time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
1222 Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
1223 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
1224 publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
1225 naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
1226 naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
1227 article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
1228 Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
1229 others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
1230 Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
1231 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
1233 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
1234 claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
1235 his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
1237 "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
1238 not much good in a fight."
1240 The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
1241 made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
1242 footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
1243 reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
1244 madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
1245 "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gwynn, "at this rate you must fight
1246 every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
1247 "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
1248 the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
1249 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
1251 The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
1253 My back aches, my pussy is sore;
1254 I simply can't fuck any more;
1255 I'm covered with sweat,
1256 And you haven't come yet,
1257 And my God, it's a quarter to four!
1259 The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
1260 dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he
1261 pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
1262 replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
1263 "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
1264 "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it."
1266 The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A
1267 waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?"
1268 "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
1269 As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
1270 wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter
1271 returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
1272 two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
1273 a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
1274 from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything
1275 with our hands," he explained.
1276 The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even
1277 have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this
1278 little piece of string attached to my apron?"
1279 "Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
1280 The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
1281 "Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
1282 comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
1283 piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary."
1284 "But how do you put it back?"
1285 "Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
1288 The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
1289 the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
1290 the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to
1291 us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you."
1292 In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
1293 Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel
1294 on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished
1295 his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
1296 leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring
1297 negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
1298 farewell is consummated between the sheets.
1299 As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
1300 pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished
1301 look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
1302 we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'"
1303 She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
1305 The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
1306 way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she
1307 jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
1308 tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
1309 jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
1310 Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
1311 candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three
1312 wildest girls I know.
1314 The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
1315 Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have
1316 stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the
1317 way when they try to be serious."
1318 "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
1319 into the ether and the cocaine."
1320 "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
1321 in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just
1322 chew it up like baseball gum."
1323 I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with
1324 the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then
1325 screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
1326 across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from
1327 the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just
1329 -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
1331 THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
1333 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is
1334 loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty
1335 and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and
1336 phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
1338 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
1339 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
1340 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money.
1341 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic.
1342 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat.
1343 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin.
1344 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..."
1345 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
1346 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
1347 10. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
1348 -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
1351 The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
1352 wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too
1353 romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
1354 So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
1355 castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
1356 factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was
1357 almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
1358 After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
1359 trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually
1360 ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
1361 on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
1362 "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
1363 "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
1364 people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
1366 The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went
1367 for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
1368 "What would you like to do next?" he asked.
1369 "I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight
1370 guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some
1371 popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
1372 "I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
1373 I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
1374 using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
1375 The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
1376 wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
1377 "Wousy," said the girl.
1381 How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
1382 Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
1384 Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
1385 Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
1387 Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
1388 Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
1390 Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
1391 Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
1393 How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
1394 Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
1397 There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go
1398 and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
1399 from sex for thirty days.
1400 Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks
1401 the first couple if they passed the test.
1402 "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
1403 "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
1404 the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
1405 "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
1406 until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
1407 I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't
1408 stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
1409 to her right there."
1410 "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into
1411 the Church after something like that."
1412 "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
1413 into Safeway anymore either."
1415 There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
1416 a bar having a few drinks together.
1417 The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
1418 drive your wife wild in bed?"
1419 "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
1420 garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over
1421 her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
1422 her wild with desire."
1423 "Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love
1424 I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
1425 Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
1426 "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
1427 out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives
1430 These two project managers were walking through a residential area
1431 one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
1432 cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager
1433 nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
1434 -- I wish I could do that!"
1435 Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
1436 it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
1438 This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
1439 the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four
1440 months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
1441 He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls
1442 up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special
1443 surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just
1444 come on over to the clinic."
1445 "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too
1446 embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
1447 "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up
1448 all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
1449 on a top hat, and come on over."
1450 The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
1451 reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
1452 dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the
1453 nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
1454 "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
1456 This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
1457 with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
1458 dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
1459 "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
1460 Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
1461 the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
1462 requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
1463 "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
1464 guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
1466 "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a
1467 *thing* 'til my nails dry!"
1469 This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
1470 good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
1471 sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
1472 "I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
1474 So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
1475 He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and
1476 the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
1477 away feeling wonderful.
1478 Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
1479 sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the
1480 end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
1481 "I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
1482 The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
1483 her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!"
1485 Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
1486 The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
1487 selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge
1488 asked, pointing at the first girl.
1489 "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
1490 "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second
1491 girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
1492 "Your honor, I'm an actress."
1493 "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about
1495 "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's
1496 the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
1498 "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
1499 Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein,
1500 arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do
1502 "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."
1504 Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
1505 ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
1506 shum money from my wife."
1507 The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
1508 and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
1509 This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
1511 "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
1513 "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
1514 Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
1515 Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
1516 enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
1517 "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
1518 he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
1519 "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
1521 Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
1522 car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
1523 "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
1525 The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
1526 he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
1527 The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
1529 "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
1531 After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
1532 didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
1533 The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
1534 exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
1535 just before I came back to the States!"
1536 "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
1537 "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
1539 Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
1540 were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
1541 side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
1542 driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
1543 Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
1544 deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
1545 "Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
1546 "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
1547 to be able to settle out of court."
1549 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
1550 how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
1551 you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
1552 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
1553 their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
1554 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
1555 His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
1556 room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
1557 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
1558 it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
1560 Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
1561 their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
1562 has cut me down to just once a week."
1563 "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
1564 two guys she's cut off altogether.
1566 Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
1567 the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
1568 mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
1569 noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
1570 hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
1571 the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
1572 lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
1573 come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
1574 asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
1575 the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
1576 said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
1578 The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
1579 They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
1581 He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
1582 partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
1583 three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
1585 Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
1586 and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
1587 roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
1589 Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
1592 We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
1593 drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
1594 lightheaded; maybe you should drive ..." And suddenly there was a terrible
1595 roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
1596 swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
1597 hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was
1598 screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
1599 Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and
1600 was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the
1601 hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
1602 eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind,"
1603 I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
1604 Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the
1605 bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
1606 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
1607 A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
1609 Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
1610 She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
1611 "Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to
1612 say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was
1613 reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
1614 justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
1615 ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
1616 That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
1617 explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and
1618 suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace,
1619 the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
1620 Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip!
1621 How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
1623 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
1624 didn't believe in God."
1625 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
1626 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
1627 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
1628 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
1630 When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
1631 operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
1632 would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
1633 thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
1634 patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
1636 While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
1637 out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to
1638 France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
1639 proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you
1640 aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
1641 and food. All it will cost you is a little love."
1642 The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
1643 board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
1644 tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
1645 and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
1646 into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
1647 evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
1648 waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
1649 an explanation. She told him the whole story.
1650 "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
1651 admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair
1652 to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
1654 "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there
1657 You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
1658 elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
1659 up in the bar last night?"
1660 "Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
1661 "Did I bring you home?"
1663 "Did we, uh, fool around?"
1665 "Lord, I must have been tight!"
1668 The Split-Atom Blues
1670 Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
1671 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
1672 But if you split those atoms fine,
1673 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
1675 Gimme zits, take my dough,
1676 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
1677 Call the devil and sell my soul,
1678 But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
1679 -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
1681 ... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured
1682 we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
1683 inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion
1684 as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the
1685 naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we
1686 might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do
1687 us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their
1688 protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
1689 that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in
1690 God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect
1691 for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
1692 virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are
1693 frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
1694 because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity
1695 is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
1696 is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
1697 obscure such reality.
1700 ... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
1701 and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
1703 ... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
1704 be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the
1705 benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter
1706 is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
1707 him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
1711 ... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side,
1712 you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
1713 fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
1714 stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they
1715 had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
1716 publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
1717 Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
1718 primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
1719 back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
1721 -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
1723 ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
1724 is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
1725 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
1726 considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
1727 showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts
1728 would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
1729 overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
1730 nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
1731 Through Swimsuits Issue.
1732 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
1734 ... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
1735 out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
1736 -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
1738 ... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
1739 beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
1740 quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
1741 wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
1742 the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
1743 had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
1745 I gan noo wha ma organs gan
1746 When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
1747 So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat
1748 Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure
1749 And iver her purse was wet.
1750 But old Sir Oswald allus stank
1751 Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
1752 And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out
1753 Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see
1754 What I have done without.
1755 But ere ye come to draw ma heart
1756 Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
1757 But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me
1758 And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
1760 -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
1762 1. The sport of choice for the low skill level employees is: BASKETBALL.
1763 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING.
1764 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.
1765 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.
1766 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.
1767 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF.
1769 AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
1772 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1774 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
1775 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
1776 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
1777 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
1778 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
1779 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
1780 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
1781 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
1782 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
1783 10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
1785 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1787 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
1788 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
1790 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
1791 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
1792 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
1794 6. A beer helps with the housework.
1795 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
1796 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
1797 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
1798 10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
1800 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1802 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
1803 2. A beer wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
1804 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
1805 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
1806 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
1807 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
1808 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
1809 8. A beer doesn't snore.
1810 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
1811 10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
1813 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1815 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
1816 aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
1817 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
1818 3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
1819 4. Beer tastes good.
1820 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
1821 Hits" as much as you do.
1822 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
1823 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
1824 8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
1825 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
1826 cents less expensive.
1827 10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
1830 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1832 1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
1833 2. Beer stains wash out.
1834 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
1835 4. Beer never makes you wait.
1836 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
1837 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
1838 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
1839 8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
1840 9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
1841 10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
1843 15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1845 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
1846 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
1847 3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
1848 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
1849 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
1850 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
1851 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
1852 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
1853 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
1854 10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
1855 11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
1856 12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
1857 13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
1858 14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
1859 15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
1861 18th Rule of Friendship:
1862 A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
1863 to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
1865 -- Esquire, May 1977
1867 20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
1868 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
1869 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
1870 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
1871 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
1872 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
1873 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
1874 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
1875 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
1876 9. A beer won't steal the covers.
1877 10. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
1878 11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
1879 12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
1880 13. A beer tastes good.
1881 14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
1882 15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
1883 16. You don't have to let a beer win.
1884 17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
1885 18. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips".
1886 19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
1887 20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
1889 667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
1892 Do me now and I'll owe you one.
1894 6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
1896 69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
1899 69 with two fingers up your ass.
1902 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
1903 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
1906 7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
1907 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
1908 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
1910 8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1912 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
1913 2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
1914 3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
1915 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
1916 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
1917 "just for the articles".
1918 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
1919 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
1921 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
1924 A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
1926 "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
1927 "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
1928 "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
1929 downed his drink and left disgustedly.
1930 A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
1931 He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
1933 "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
1934 Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
1935 thing," and turned on his heel and left.
1936 Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
1937 his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
1938 bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
1939 'round here would know?"
1940 "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
1942 "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see,
1943 George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
1945 A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
1946 patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
1947 women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
1949 The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
1950 bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him,
1951 blanched and ran out of the bar.
1952 The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
1953 all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
1954 The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
1955 you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
1957 A bad little girl in Madrid,
1958 A most reprehensible kid,
1959 Told her Tante Louise
1960 That her cunt smelled like cheese,
1961 And the worst of it was that it did!
1963 A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
1964 "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
1965 "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
1966 "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
1967 "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
1969 A bather whose clothing was strewed
1970 By breezes that left her quite nude,
1971 Saw a man come along
1972 And, unless I'm quite wrong,
1973 You expected this line to be lewd.
1975 A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
1976 six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
1977 sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
1978 another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise
1979 at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
1980 this barren bit of land.
1981 "Almost twenty years," he answered.
1982 "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"
1983 "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
1985 "And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
1986 "What's that?" He looked puzzled.
1987 Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
1988 beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked
1989 how he had enjoyed it.
1990 "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
1992 A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
1993 I am not I, I'm a tree."
1994 But another, more sane,
1995 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
1996 And covered his pants leg with pee.
1998 A beautiful belle of Del Norte
1999 Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
2000 Because during the day
2001 She says: "Boys, keep away!"
2002 But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
2004 A beautiful lady named Psyche
2005 Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
2008 Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
2010 A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
2011 purgatory for the purse.
2013 A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
2014 one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right
2015 away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
2016 thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
2017 "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
2019 "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
2020 "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
2021 "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
2023 "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to
2024 having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
2026 "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
2028 A beetling young woman named Pridgets
2029 Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
2030 Off the end of a wharf
2031 She once pushed a dwarf
2032 Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
2035 A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he
2036 would send his wife a telegram saying,
2037 "Can't come home yet. Still buying."
2038 His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
2039 She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
2040 rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
2042 "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
2044 A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
2045 Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
2046 When she swiveled about
2047 Even strong men cried out,
2048 For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
2050 A bisexual chap name of Lunt
2051 Taught himself an unusual stunt.
2052 He could peel back his spout
2053 Turn the skin inside out
2054 Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
2056 A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
2058 A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
2059 into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
2060 forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
2061 "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
2062 apologized the rabbit.
2063 "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
2065 "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
2066 you think you could help me find out?"
2067 "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the
2068 rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
2069 and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
2070 "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
2071 "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you
2072 suppose you could try and tell me?"
2073 The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold
2074 and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
2075 no balls. You must be an attorney!"
2077 A bobby of Nottingham Junction
2078 Whose organ had long ceased to function
2079 Deceived his good wife
2080 For the rest of her life
2081 With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
2083 A broken-down harlot named Tupps
2084 Was heard to confess in her cups:
2085 "The height of my folly
2086 Was diddling a collie-
2087 But I got a nice price for the pups."
2089 A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
2092 A burlesque dancer, a pip
2093 Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
2094 But she read science fiction
2095 And died of constriction
2096 Attempting a Moebius strip.
2097 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
2099 A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
2100 Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
2101 and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after
2102 a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few
2103 minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
2104 masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked.
2105 "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
2107 A busy young lady named Gloria
2108 Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
2109 And then by six men,
2111 And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
2113 A cabin boy on an old clipper
2114 Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
2115 He plugged up his ass
2116 With fragments of glass
2117 And thus circumcised his old skipper.
2119 A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
2120 fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
2121 the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
2122 The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
2123 to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed
2124 himself in an accentuated manner.
2125 "Hey," said the Catholic, "Why did you cross yourself, you're not
2127 "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
2128 "spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen."
2130 A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
2131 Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
2132 With his date all strapped in
2134 Without even leaving the garage.
2135 -- "A Boy and His Dog"
2137 A cautious young fellow named Tunney
2138 Had a whang that was worth any money.
2139 When eased in half-way,
2140 The girl's sigh made him say,
2141 "Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
2143 A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
2144 by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could
2145 get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea
2146 worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
2147 whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical
2148 laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing
2149 happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
2150 laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now,
2151 a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
2152 house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
2153 horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The
2154 bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
2155 the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and
2156 said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
2157 "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
2158 "How did you make him cry tonight?"
2161 A certain young man, it was noted,
2162 Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
2163 He said, "You may scoff,
2164 But I shan't take it off;
2165 Underneath I am horribly bloated."
2168 A certain young person of Ghent,
2169 Uncertain if lady or gent,
2170 Shows his organs at large
2171 For a small handling charge
2172 To assist him in paying the rent.
2174 A certain young sheik of Algiers
2175 Said to his harem, "My dears,
2176 Though you may think it odd of me,
2177 I'm tired of just sodomy
2178 Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
2180 A chap down in Oklahoma
2181 Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
2182 But the sweetness of pitch
2183 Couldn't put off the hitch
2184 Of impotence, size and aroma.
2186 A charmer from old Amarillo,
2187 Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
2189 That to keep men away
2190 She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
2192 A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
2193 Had a pussy as large as a muff.
2194 It had room for both hands
2195 And some intimate glands,
2196 And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
2198 A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
2200 A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
2201 Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
2204 A clergical student named Simms
2205 Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
2207 Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
2208 All the others get Anglican hymns.
2210 A clerical student named Pryne
2211 Through pain sought to reach the divine:
2212 He wore a hair shirt,
2213 Quite often ate dirt,
2214 And bathed every Friday in brine.
2217 A clever young man named Eugene
2218 Invented a jack-off machine.
2219 On the twenty-third stroke
2220 The fuckin' thing broke
2221 And beat both his balls to a creame.
2223 A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
2224 most men know it's there, but few really care.
2226 A cocksucking steno named Beeman
2227 Remarked as she swallowed my semen:
2228 "On my minuscule salary
2229 I must watch every calorie,
2230 So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
2232 A computer called Illiac4
2233 Had a rather tough bug in its core.
2234 It chewed up its cards
2235 And spewed yards and yards
2236 Of illegible tape on the floor.
2238 A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
2242 A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
2244 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
2246 A contortionist hailing from Lynch
2247 Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
2248 A foot cost a quid --
2250 Stretch it to three in a pinch.
2252 A corpulent maiden named Kroll
2253 Had a notion exceedingly droll:
2254 At a masquerade ball,
2255 Dressed in nothing at all,
2256 She backed in as a Parker House roll.
2258 A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
2260 [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]
2262 A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
2263 chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left
2264 to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
2265 "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
2266 "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
2268 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
2269 "No, Mom. Down underneath."
2270 His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
2271 Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
2272 a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
2273 "That's the elephant's trunk, son."
2274 "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the
2276 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
2278 The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
2280 "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
2281 The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
2284 A couple was fishing near Clombe
2285 When the maid began looking quite glum,
2286 And said, "Bother the fish!
2288 Which they did -- which was why they had come.
2290 A cowhand way out in Seattle
2291 Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
2292 He said, "No, I can't fuck
2294 But golly! it just fits the cattle."
2296 A CS student named Lin
2297 Had a prick the size of a pin
2298 It was no good for girls
2299 But just great for squirrels
2300 Who squealed with delight with it in.
2302 A cute little twerp from Samoa
2303 Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
2304 It was good for keyholes
2305 And debutantes' peeholes
2306 But not worth a damn on a whoa.
2308 A daredevil skater named Lowe,
2309 Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
2310 But is proudest of doing,
2311 Some incredible screwing,
2312 Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
2314 A deep-throated virgin named Netty
2315 Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
2316 She said, "It tastes nice,
2317 Much better than rice,
2318 Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
2320 A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
2321 -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
2323 A delighted, incredulous bride
2324 Remarked to her groom at her side:
2325 "I never could quite
2326 Believe till tonight
2327 Our anatomies would coincide."
2329 A dentist, young doctor Malone,
2330 Got a charming girl patient alone,
2331 And, in his depravity,
2332 Filled the wrong cavity.
2333 God, how his practice has grown.
2335 A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
2336 With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
2337 Let his third-story front,
2338 To a willing young cunt,
2339 Who supplied him a new lease on life!
2341 A desperate spinster from Clare
2342 Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
2343 And prayed to her God
2344 For a romp on the sod--
2345 'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
2347 A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
2348 Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
2349 As quick as a glance
2350 He stripped off his pants,
2351 But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
2353 A doctoral student from Buckingham
2354 Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
2355 But a dropout from paree
2356 Taught him Gamahuchee
2357 - so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
2359 A doctoral student from Buckingham
2360 Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
2361 But a dropout from paree
2362 Taught him Gamahuchee
2363 So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
2365 A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
2366 Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
2369 And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
2371 A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
2372 Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
2373 They found her vagina,
2375 And part of her ass in Brazil.
2377 A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
2378 Whose overworked sex is all callous,
2379 Wore the foreskin away
2380 On uncircumcised Ray,
2381 Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
2383 A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
2384 Wished to foster an aura of menace;
2385 To make people afraid
2386 He wore gloves of grey suede
2387 And white footgear intended for tennis.
2390 A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
2391 Wished to foster an aura of menace.
2392 To make people afraid
2393 He wore gloves of grey suede
2394 And white footgear intended for tennis.
2395 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
2397 A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place,
2398 watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The
2399 guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
2400 moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
2401 hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
2402 shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
2403 they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
2404 the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they
2405 passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
2406 "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass
2407 with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she
2408 sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
2409 The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
2410 at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention,
2411 he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
2412 "What?!?!?" she screams.
2413 "Raining like hell, isn't it?"
2415 A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
2416 "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
2417 The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
2419 A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
2421 A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
2422 coming again soon. Bend over.
2424 A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
2425 hard it was to get any sleep.
2426 "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
2427 drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
2428 "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
2429 "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
2431 A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
2432 That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
2433 and that's how we'll do it now.
2436 A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
2439 A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
2440 professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
2441 and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
2442 night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
2443 asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
2444 "Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
2446 A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
2447 the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
2448 with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and
2449 speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
2450 a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
2451 "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
2452 territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 Fokkers diving on us from above."
2453 At the first mention of `Fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
2454 "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we
2455 fought, we noticed 2 more Fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
2456 Fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
2457 At this second and third mention of `Fokkers' the class was almost laughing
2458 openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
2459 to the class that a 'Fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
2461 He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these Fokkers were Messerschmidts".
2463 A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
2464 they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory,
2465 however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
2466 what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the
2467 scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
2468 Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
2469 would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
2470 "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children
2471 must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
2473 A guest in a household quite charmless
2474 Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
2475 "If you're caught unawares
2476 At the head of the stairs,
2477 Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
2480 A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
2482 "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie."
2483 "What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
2484 He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
2485 "This frog can eat pussy."
2486 The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
2487 a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much
2488 discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
2489 She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
2490 says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his
2491 owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
2492 "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
2493 "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
2494 By now, the girl is laughing openly.
2495 "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
2496 only going to show you one more time."
2498 A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
2499 into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
2500 and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so
2501 curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
2502 Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
2504 A habit depraved and unsavory
2505 Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
2506 Midst screeches and howls
2507 He deflowered young owls
2508 Which he kept in an underground aviary
2510 A habit obscene and bizarre,
2511 Has taken a-hold of papa.
2512 He brings home young camels
2513 And other odd mammals,
2514 And gives them a go at mama.
2516 A habit obscene and unsavory,
2517 Holds a CS professor in slavery.
2518 With maniacal howls,
2519 He deflowers young owls,
2520 That he keeps in an underground aviary.
2522 A hacker who screwed a mag tape
2523 Was caught and convicted of rape.
2525 From which, to his woe
2526 He couldn't get out with ESC.
2528 A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
2529 Made love to the drive of his disk.
2530 The thing circumsized him,
2531 Which rather surprised him.
2532 He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
2534 A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
2536 A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
2538 A hard man is good to find.
2540 A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
2541 the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
2542 right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with
2544 When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
2545 downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
2546 all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?"
2547 Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man
2548 on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!"
2549 the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?"
2550 "No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong
2553 A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave
2554 the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you
2555 told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned
2556 home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
2557 of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But
2558 soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening,
2559 the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
2560 Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
2561 thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
2562 but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
2563 Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
2564 Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing
2565 worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
2566 "Saunders, help me please!"
2567 "But what is it, Madame?"
2568 "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
2569 "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
2571 A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When
2572 she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted,
2573 "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
2574 The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
2576 A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I
2577 can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
2578 over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out
2579 and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered,
2580 "Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
2582 A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
2585 A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
2586 father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
2587 used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?"
2588 "Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before
2589 your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from
2590 behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get
2591 down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop
2592 some manure from the ground and eat it!"
2593 "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
2594 And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
2595 I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
2596 it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
2597 "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why,
2598 we had *lunch* together!"
2600 A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
2601 Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
2602 "From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
2603 backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
2605 "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
2606 the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
2607 Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?"
2608 His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're
2609 probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue."
2610 "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
2611 was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
2612 Stroke, an' she let out with a holler thet..."
2613 "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
2614 Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
2615 "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
2618 A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the
2619 husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their
2620 wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
2622 "Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin."
2623 Naturally, the husband is surprised.
2624 "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
2626 "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
2627 computer programmer."
2628 "What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be
2629 a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
2630 "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
2631 tell me how great it was going to be."
2633 A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up
2634 from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
2636 "What happened?" he asks worriedly.
2637 "Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
2638 and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we
2639 performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina
2640 has been crafted into place."
2641 "WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to
2642 tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience
2644 "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
2645 course, have to be someone else's."
2647 A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he
2648 sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his
2649 car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
2650 "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
2651 "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
2652 "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
2653 So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
2654 I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
2655 "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again."
2656 "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it."
2658 It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
2659 Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
2660 "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
2662 The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him
2663 twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
2664 "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
2665 "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter;
2666 I want you to drive her into Salerno."
2668 A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
2669 for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
2670 until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
2671 which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later,
2672 a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
2673 takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
2674 "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely
2675 anything to show my gratitude."
2676 "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
2677 that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
2678 and take that damn dog for a walk!"
2680 A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
2681 in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
2682 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
2683 is your heart's desire?"
2684 "Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis."
2685 "Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
2686 As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
2687 feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
2688 By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
2689 his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
2690 grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later,
2691 he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
2692 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
2693 is your heart's desire?"
2694 "Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make
2697 A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
2698 contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
2699 "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
2701 "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
2702 "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you
2703 showing that thing to everybody."
2704 And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
2705 when he hands her $1000.
2706 "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
2708 "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use
2710 "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
2711 tears welling up in her eyes.
2712 "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
2714 A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
2716 A man never minds being in the doghouse
2717 as long as he can get his tail outside.
2719 A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
2720 three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
2721 them one after another.
2722 "Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
2723 "Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
2724 "Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
2725 "No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
2726 the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
2728 A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
2729 help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
2731 "Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
2732 "Glad to do it," said the other man.
2733 "Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
2734 "It was a pleasure," said the man.
2735 "And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
2736 "she was a truly great lay."
2737 The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
2738 to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
2739 to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
2740 "Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But
2741 Sam is a helluva nice guy."
2743 A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
2744 some good news and some bad news."
2745 "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
2746 "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
2747 longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
2748 "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?"
2751 A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
2752 water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
2753 person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
2754 First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
2755 ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can
2756 be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man
2757 thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood
2758 shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
2759 went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
2760 and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
2761 he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
2762 and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
2763 and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I
2764 was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
2765 outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
2766 at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
2767 last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
2768 or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
2769 satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
2770 for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
2772 A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he
2773 says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
2774 me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt."
2775 "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
2776 "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
2777 and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust
2778 her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
2779 The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
2780 "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening
2781 after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man
2782 got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
2783 After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he
2784 took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went
2786 "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
2787 "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
2788 "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always*
2791 A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender
2792 shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
2793 "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
2795 "Sure," said the bartender.
2796 "If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
2797 you'll find the money for the beer."
2798 The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
2799 "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
2800 Where is the men's room?"
2801 "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
2802 two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
2804 A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
2805 for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son
2806 wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
2807 old age home that money can buy.
2808 On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
2809 to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently
2810 straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
2811 finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs
2812 over and gently pushes him upright again.
2813 The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
2815 "It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like
2816 it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
2817 there's just one little problem."
2819 "They won't let you fart."
2821 A mathematician named Hall
2822 Has a hexahedronical ball,
2823 And the cube of its weight
2824 Times his pecker's, plus eight
2825 Is his phone number -- give him a call.
2827 A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger.
2829 "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
2830 good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
2831 scruples and the police."
2834 A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
2835 swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked
2836 his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
2837 "Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
2838 "Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
2839 The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
2841 A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
2842 Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it
2843 anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
2845 "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
2846 foreman. "The other men swear by it."
2847 The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
2848 his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it
2850 "Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
2853 "That's your day in the barrel."
2855 A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
2856 wrong with a high sense of consistency.
2859 A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
2862 A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
2863 out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
2864 Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few
2865 minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
2866 and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between
2867 them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend
2868 the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her
2869 partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the
2870 morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous
2871 night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even
2872 bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
2873 where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks
2874 deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
2876 The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
2877 like grated cheeth!"
2879 A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
2880 sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
2881 married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
2882 to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
2883 risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
2884 to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
2885 thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
2886 that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
2887 children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
2888 by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
2889 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
2890 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
2893 A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
2894 sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
2895 married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
2896 to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
2897 risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
2898 to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
2899 thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
2900 that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
2901 children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
2902 by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
2903 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
2904 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
2907 A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
2908 going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after
2909 two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
2910 His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
2912 On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
2913 the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
2914 This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
2915 more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
2916 misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
2917 club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife
2918 whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
2919 Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
2920 daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
2922 "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
2924 A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
2926 A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
2927 talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade
2928 was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
2929 their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
2930 the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
2931 said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
2933 A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
2934 true to the very end of the end of a friend.
2936 A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
2937 trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in
2938 mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
2939 results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented
2940 octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door
2941 the next morning, he asked the octopus,
2942 "Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
2943 "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
2946 A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
2949 A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
2950 against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
2951 hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that
2952 the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
2953 of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
2954 "What happened to your car?"
2955 "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
2956 stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on
2957 the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here;
2959 "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come
2960 down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
2962 "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
2964 A pretty young lady named Vogel
2965 Once sat herself down on a molehill.
2967 Nosed into her hole --
2968 Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
2970 A pretty young maiden from France
2971 Decided she'd "just take a chance."
2974 And now all her sisters are aunts.
2976 A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
2978 A programmer down in Moline
2979 Said, I'm the match for any machine.
2980 My secret's aversion,
2981 To loops and recursion,
2982 Just acres of in-line routine.
2985 A progressive professor named Winners
2986 Held classes each evening for sinners.
2987 They were graded and spaced
2988 So the vile and debased
2989 Would not be held back by beginners.
2991 A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
2994 A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
2997 A remarkable race are the Persians;
2998 They have such peculiar diversions.
2999 They make love the whole day
3001 And save up the nights for perversions.
3003 A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
3004 and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
3005 to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
3006 could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
3007 idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
3008 and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
3009 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
3010 At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
3011 Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
3012 in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
3013 its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
3014 "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
3015 Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes
3016 in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
3017 Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
3018 big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God,
3019 you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
3021 A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
3022 his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
3023 sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much
3024 to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four
3025 pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the
3026 condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders
3027 for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
3028 Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
3029 says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
3031 A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
3032 One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
3033 He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
3034 So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
3036 Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
3037 One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
3038 "See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
3039 "I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"
3041 They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
3042 They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
3043 And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
3044 Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
3046 They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
3047 "Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
3048 As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
3049 Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
3051 The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
3052 Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees.
3053 Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
3054 "Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
3055 -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
3057 A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
3058 all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say,
3059 Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
3060 "A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
3061 cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
3062 "Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were
3064 Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
3065 you know how them Mex'cans lie."
3067 A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
3068 act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
3069 styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
3070 for fun at the lad's expense.
3071 "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
3072 The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
3073 her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
3074 a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
3075 tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
3076 give him the proper size.
3077 "I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a
3078 half interest in the store."
3080 A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It
3081 happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
3082 greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
3083 third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
3084 The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he
3085 swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
3086 The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
3088 The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him
3089 carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
3090 "Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
3091 to walk to first base.
3092 The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!"
3093 "No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks."
3094 And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
3097 A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
3098 animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
3100 "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
3101 pricks than those raised in Africa?"
3102 The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
3103 "the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
3106 A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
3107 the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
3108 hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
3109 The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!"
3110 "No women? What do the men do for... er..."
3111 "Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the
3112 answer, right there."
3113 Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
3114 drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
3115 wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs
3116 to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was
3117 game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
3118 a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
3119 quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
3120 "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!"
3121 "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
3123 A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
3124 for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under
3125 a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
3126 with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing
3127 uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
3128 "How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
3129 "Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
3130 "Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
3131 "You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
3133 A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
3134 greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
3135 Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
3137 "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
3138 "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
3139 but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
3140 From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
3142 "Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
3143 "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is
3145 When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
3146 the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
3147 that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
3148 "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
3149 but business is business."
3151 A team playing baseball in Dallas
3152 Called the umpire blind out of malice.
3153 While this worthy had fits
3154 The team made eight hits
3155 And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
3157 A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
3159 A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
3160 Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
3161 The result of this fuck
3162 Was a three titted duck,
3163 A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
3165 A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
3166 century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
3167 rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry
3168 and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had
3169 never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.
3171 Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
3172 Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what
3174 LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my
3175 vegetables with its tail!"
3176 Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?"
3177 LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
3179 A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
3183 A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
3185 A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
3186 comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
3189 A wanton young lady from Wimley
3190 Reproached for not acting quite primly
3191 Said, "Heavens above!
3192 I know sex isn't love,
3193 But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
3195 A widow who fancied a man some
3196 Was diddled three times in a hansom.
3197 When she clamored for more
3198 Her young man became sore
3199 And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
3201 A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
3202 this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
3203 unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
3204 -- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
3205 masturbation is "by no means harmless"
3207 A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
3208 dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
3209 about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
3210 "Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
3211 with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
3212 much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
3213 The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
3214 side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
3217 A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
3218 the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
3219 The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
3220 people personal questions."
3221 The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
3222 The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going
3224 Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the
3225 car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in
3226 the car and watch my purse."
3227 After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
3228 license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When
3229 her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments:
3230 "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32."
3231 "That's right! How did you know?"
3232 "And you weigh 119 pounds."
3233 "Did you look in my purse?"
3234 "And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
3236 "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
3238 "A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
3240 -- Blind Lemon Pledge
3242 A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
3243 little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
3246 A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
3247 It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
3248 -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
3250 A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
3253 A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
3254 pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
3255 woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
3256 love, without virtue, without sex.
3259 A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
3262 A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
3266 A worried young man from Stamboul
3267 Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
3268 Said the doctor, a cynic,
3269 "Get out of my clinic;
3270 Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
3272 A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
3273 sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
3275 The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather
3276 uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
3277 tell her why he won't make love to her.
3278 "Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there."
3279 "What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling,
3280 come here and look for yourself."
3281 The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
3282 "There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?"
3283 "Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible*
3286 A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
3287 She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
3288 three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
3290 A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
3291 himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
3292 he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
3293 of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
3294 if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
3295 The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
3296 grant you three wishes."
3297 "Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
3298 "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
3299 ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes
3300 if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken
3301 aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After
3302 the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
3303 The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
3304 Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
3306 "Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
3308 A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
3309 daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
3310 a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought
3311 out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl
3312 who uses bad words?"
3314 "A little bird," answered the mother.
3315 "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been
3316 feeding the little bastards, too!"
3318 A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
3319 as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage,
3320 like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
3321 be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a
3322 carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who
3323 worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally,
3324 the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
3325 A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
3326 received a telegram from their sister. It read:
3328 I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused
3329 when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm
3330 going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly...
3332 Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
3333 The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper,
3334 Her figurehead They filled his ass,
3335 A whore in bed, With broken glass,
3336 Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper.
3338 The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel,
3339 And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able,
3340 Once round the deck, They nailed her tits,
3341 Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits,
3342 And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table.
3344 The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy,
3345 And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy,
3346 When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock,
3347 And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock,
3348 Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy!
3350 Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
3352 "Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
3353 religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
3355 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
3357 AC/DC is a rock band.
3360 Achilles' Biological Findings:
3361 (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he
3362 looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
3363 (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
3364 -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the
3368 (1) Women don't know what they want;
3369 they don't like what they have got.
3370 (2) Men know very well what they want;
3371 having got it, they begin to lose interest.
3373 Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
3374 and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
3376 Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
3377 such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
3380 Putting yourself in someone else's position.
3382 Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on.
3383 -- Mary Wells, advertising executive
3385 After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
3386 are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really
3387 starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
3388 rummaging through a dresser drawer.
3389 "What are you doing?" she asks.
3390 "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
3392 After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
3393 bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
3395 "That's MY business," she snapped.
3396 "Ah," he said. "A professional."
3398 After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
3399 attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted
3400 for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling
3401 and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
3402 were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
3403 a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
3404 girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
3405 "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
3406 be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
3407 "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
3408 like you doing in a hotel like this?"
3409 "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
3411 After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
3412 in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan
3413 hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
3414 and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
3415 to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
3416 become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
3417 needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally,
3418 the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
3419 little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the
3420 time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And,
3421 remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
3422 wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
3423 counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.
3424 "So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
3426 After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
3427 bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
3428 his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
3429 on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have
3430 you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
3432 After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
3433 the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
3434 indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
3435 "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some
3438 After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
3439 embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
3440 "N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
3441 "I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
3442 "Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
3443 "Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
3444 drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will
3446 "Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that
3447 nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
3448 make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?"
3449 "Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
3451 A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said,
3452 "is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
3454 After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying
3455 to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
3456 "You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other
3457 to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
3458 "So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to
3459 find one at three in the morning?"
3461 After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
3462 brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
3465 After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
3468 Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
3470 AI hackers do it robotically.
3472 A.I. hackers do it with robots.
3474 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget
3476 Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
3477 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
3478 Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
3480 Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
3481 -- Bobcat Goldthwait
3483 Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.
3485 Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "involved"?
3486 A: Antler marks on their hips.
3488 Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
3489 the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off.
3492 Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
3494 Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
3495 daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
3496 "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
3497 "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
3498 "That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?"
3499 "Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
3500 so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
3501 screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
3504 "Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains
3505 the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
3508 Having an ex you can bank on.
3510 All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
3513 All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
3516 All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
3518 All I want is a girl made of wood,
3519 With fine-grained hair and carven knee.
3520 She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke,
3521 Oh, wooden tit be loverly?
3524 All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a
3528 There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
3529 or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
3532 All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most
3533 injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
3536 All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
3537 And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
3538 And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
3539 And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
3540 Hello, operator, give me number nine,
3541 If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
3542 Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
3543 If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
3544 Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
3545 This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
3546 She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
3547 She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
3548 He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
3549 Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
3552 All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.
3555 All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons,
3556 All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings,
3557 All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom,
3558 The Lord God made the lot; He made their horrid wings.
3560 All things sick and cancerous, Each nasty little hornet,
3561 All evil great and small, Each beastly little squid.
3562 All things foul and dangerous, Who made the spikey urchin?
3563 The Lord God made them all. Who made the sharks? He did.
3565 All things scabbed and ulcerous,
3566 All pox both great and small.
3567 Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
3568 The Lord God made them all.
3571 All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
3572 All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
3573 Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
3574 He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
3575 All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
3576 All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
3577 Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
3578 Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
3579 All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
3580 Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
3581 -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
3583 All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
3584 crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying
3585 part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago
3586 there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
3587 important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
3588 president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody
3589 believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs
3590 the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
3591 a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not
3592 going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
3593 home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white
3594 collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
3597 All work and no pay makes a housewife.
3599 Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every
3600 subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted
3601 to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning
3602 must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the
3603 essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is
3604 sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point
3605 of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed,
3606 not generally known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested
3607 in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion
3608 is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
3609 there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion
3610 in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method
3611 of free inquiry has made its way. The "religious" would be the last to be
3612 willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught
3613 in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely
3614 a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must
3615 protest against its being taught in any other spirit.
3616 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
3618 Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most
3619 of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously
3620 appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his
3621 proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his
3622 superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely
3623 inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the
3624 responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a
3625 natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to
3626 the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him
3627 on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative
3628 anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight
3629 to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing
3630 up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next
3631 week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's
3634 The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of
3635 Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by
3636 Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale.
3637 You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one
3638 among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at
3639 Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted,
3640 and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long
3641 and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't
3644 Always talk to your wife while you're
3645 making love... if there's a phone handy.
3648 An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
3650 America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
3651 with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
3652 anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
3653 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign
3656 America cannot be sold a can of beer without
3657 being offered a piece of pussy along with it.
3660 America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
3663 America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it
3664 wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
3665 -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
3667 American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
3668 is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently,
3669 any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
3670 in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners. She is not required to know how
3671 to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
3672 husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
3673 help, she's bound to cause trouble. Therefore, you'd think that colleges
3674 which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
3675 men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
3676 continent would teach the girls to read maps. None do. They teach a hundred
3677 other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
3679 -- James Michener, "Space"
3681 America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
3682 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
3684 An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
3686 An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
3687 the happiness of life.
3688 "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
3689 dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
3690 Football," the American said.
3691 "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
3692 a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a
3693 romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life."
3694 "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you
3695 two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping
3696 soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
3697 door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Quaking
3698 with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret
3699 policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
3700 Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are
3701 being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and
3702 shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
3703 lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
3705 An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
3706 exclusive men's club. Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the
3707 only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation. "Care
3708 for a cigar?" he asked.
3709 "No, thank you," the Englishman replied. "I tried smoking once and
3711 "Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the
3713 "No, thank you. I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me."
3714 "Well, how about a game of billiards?"
3715 "Sorry. I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it."
3716 As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my
3717 son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you."
3718 "Your son? An only child, I presume."
3720 An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
3721 dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the
3722 visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All
3723 arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black
3724 hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
3725 "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late.
3726 First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur,
3727 ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"
3728 The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our
3729 friend directions. The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy
3730 and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our
3731 hero. He speaks first:
3732 "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."
3733 "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des
3734 capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un
3736 "Ma femme est morte."
3737 "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!"
3739 An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place
3740 is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception
3741 of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman. He very politely asks her
3742 if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he
3743 got a quick bite to eat.
3744 "I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies. "Little
3745 Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!"
3746 Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of
3747 an open window and takes the seat.
3748 An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the
3749 American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
3750 you Americans. You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
3751 street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
3753 An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
3754 Saw sartorial changes ahead.
3755 His mind kept on ringing
3756 With fishy girls singing;
3757 Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
3758 -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
3760 An architect fellow named Yoric
3761 Could, when feeling euphoric,
3762 Display for selection
3763 Three kinds of erection --
3764 Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
3766 An Army travels on her stomach.
3768 An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
3769 eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
3770 person who will sit on its face is its mother.
3772 An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
3773 logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have
3774 been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
3775 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia
3777 An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
3778 chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
3779 Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
3780 who has seen the Managing Director face on).
3781 -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
3783 And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest
3784 unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
3785 bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
3786 provideth that they are nice and fresh."
3787 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
3789 And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God
3790 upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
3791 criminal at the bar of justice.
3792 -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
3794 ...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and
3795 the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody
3796 talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
3798 And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side,
3799 he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap. He peered avidly at
3800 me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose. "Oh,
3801 the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to
3802 suck her." Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth,
3803 not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even
3804 lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
3805 other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
3806 redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for
3807 no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
3808 because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was
3809 nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
3810 lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
3811 and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes
3812 were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
3813 old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most respectable
3814 and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
3818 And let me the canakin clink, clink;
3819 and let me the canakin clink.
3821 O, man's life's but a span,
3822 Why then, let a soldier drink.
3824 And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
3825 ... a brief pause, and then Bing!
3827 And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served
3828 as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth.
3829 And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
3830 open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
3832 And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
3833 And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones.
3834 --Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale
3836 And so it goes. It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become
3837 victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the
3838 freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped
3839 off the end of his tail between wheel and rail. The little dog yelped, and
3840 he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through
3841 his little brown neck. The moral is, of course, never lose your head over
3843 -- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse"
3845 And the northern lights commenced to glow.
3846 And she said, with a tear in her eye,
3847 "Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."
3848 -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
3850 And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
3853 "And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
3854 upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her
3856 "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!"
3858 Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
3859 photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the
3860 greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
3861 "My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to
3862 record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
3863 upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
3864 between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
3865 family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
3866 signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
3867 than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
3868 of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
3869 drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
3870 Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
3871 "young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
3872 couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
3873 a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
3874 "Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the
3875 husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
3876 being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
3878 -- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
3881 You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
3882 this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
3883 exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
3884 there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
3886 Another stupid gay joke!!!
3887 You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
3888 daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
3889 serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
3890 in and kick your ass?"
3891 The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
3893 Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
3894 on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
3895 as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
3896 bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
3897 lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
3898 From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
3901 The first time you can't do it a second time.
3904 The second time you can't do it the first time.
3906 Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
3907 his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
3909 Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
3911 "Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
3914 Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist.
3917 Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
3919 APL hackers take all they want.
3921 Apple owners do it with mice!
3924 The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
3925 invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
3926 December, 2039"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
3927 it was you did during the past year.
3929 "Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
3930 released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
3931 enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
3934 Are there those in the land of the brave
3935 Who can tell me how I should behave
3938 A file I intended to save?
3940 ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
3941 Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
3942 who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
3943 and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
3944 natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
3947 Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
3949 As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless;
3950 and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to
3953 The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is,
3954 doubtless, a separation.
3955 -- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763
3957 As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
3958 sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it
3959 was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
3961 As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
3963 As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
3964 makes the ride fun."
3966 As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
3967 than the average asshole on the street.
3968 -- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
3970 As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices
3971 within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by
3973 One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we
3974 know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however,
3975 have two alcoholics."
3977 As Rev. Spooner would say, you are a shining wit.
3979 As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept
3980 saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with
3981 one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard,
3982 you're a veterinarian."
3984 As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
3985 have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest
3986 issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just
3989 As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS
3990 VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune
3991 offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland
3993 If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite
3994 choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the
3995 heavens, do not panic. If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as
3996 soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the
3997 end of the world. If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do
3998 this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle
3999 not become a hazard to others. Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of
4000 automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals. You may experience a
4001 feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving. To
4002 ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder
4003 as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
4004 -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
4005 -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
4006 -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
4007 white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers,
4008 who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
4009 Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in
4010 your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
4011 you to a hospital at once. If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult
4012 the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations.
4014 As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
4015 figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew
4016 his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
4017 oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
4018 inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You
4019 could have been killed!"
4020 The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was
4021 coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with
4024 As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
4027 The masculine of "lass".
4029 Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
4031 Assassins do it from behind.
4033 At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
4034 it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over
4035 the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
4037 "Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
4038 Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
4039 room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
4040 "I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
4041 "Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
4042 off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
4045 At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced.
4046 The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists. First things first: it went
4047 to the institute of Marxism-Leninism.
4049 "IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the
4051 "YES," replied the computer. "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY
4052 SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."
4054 At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the
4055 decent men in public life.
4058 Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
4060 Australia's a lovely land
4061 It's full of bonza blokes,
4062 Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
4063 Except in Pommie jokes.
4065 Australians are lovely chaps
4066 They're God's own chosen race.
4067 If they ever see a fairy Pom
4068 They'll smash him in the face.
4070 Australians like dressing up
4071 In skirts and having fun
4072 And that's all we were doing
4073 When the Vice Squad came along.
4077 1 to 10 alphabetically,
4078 from here to eternity without in betweens,
4079 still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,
4080 sales talk from sales assistants
4081 when all i want to do is lower your resistance,
4082 no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,
4084 she comes when she comes,
4085 right on the target but wide of the mark...
4087 B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
4089 Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
4092 Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
4093 popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
4094 blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
4095 back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-
4096 slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
4097 "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked
4098 appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
4099 spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
4100 honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
4101 hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
4104 The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
4105 of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
4108 Where the women wear turtleneck
4109 sweaters to hide their flea collars.
4112 Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
4115 Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
4117 Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
4118 Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
4119 Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
4120 Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
4123 BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
4125 Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
4128 The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
4129 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4131 Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
4133 Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
4134 repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is
4135 more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we
4136 get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging
4137 bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we
4138 love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor
4139 too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community
4140 care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're
4141 aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and
4142 if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're
4143 unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but
4144 men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're
4145 made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons
4146 we are part of the women's liberation movement.
4148 Bedfellows make strange politicians.
4151 A bull masturbating.
4153 "Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
4154 confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
4155 "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
4157 "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
4159 Behold the unborn fetus and
4160 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
4161 All life is sacred (save, of course,
4164 Beifeld's Principle:
4165 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
4166 young female increases by pyramidical progression when he
4167 is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a
4168 better-looking and richer male friend.
4171 Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
4172 To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
4173 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
4175 Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
4179 Bend over and take it like a man!
4181 Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
4182 For her life held no terrors.
4183 A virgin born, a virgin died:
4184 No hits, no runs, no errors.
4186 Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
4187 They buried him today,
4188 He lived the life of Riley,
4189 While Riley was away.
4191 Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut?
4192 Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
4193 Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
4194 It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
4196 Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
4198 BETTER LATE THAN NEVER:
4199 The single girl's motto.
4201 Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
4204 Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
4206 Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all
4211 Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
4212 generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic
4213 prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
4214 and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
4215 you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail
4216 isn't sharp. In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
4217 remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
4218 with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
4219 A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but
4220 can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes. The toes are definitely
4221 erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating
4224 [Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
4226 Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
4227 discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
4228 can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
4229 don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
4231 Birth, copulation and death.
4232 That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
4233 Birth, copulation and death.
4234 -- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"
4236 Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
4239 Bitch, bitch, bitch --
4240 That's all I ever hear,
4241 Ever since the dog ate the baby,
4242 "Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
4244 Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
4246 Blow it out your ass!
4249 Bend over, here it comes again.
4251 Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
4252 your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's
4253 one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
4254 but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
4255 feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
4256 something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
4257 because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
4258 mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
4262 Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
4263 Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
4265 Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
4267 Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
4271 Shall I call you or just nudge you?
4273 Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
4274 Held venal traffic with a gnu.
4275 Mistaking fore for aft one morn
4276 Impaled herself upon its horn.
4278 Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun
4279 our furred and feathered friends.
4281 Brigands will demand your money or
4282 your life, but a woman will demand both.
4285 Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
4287 Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each...
4288 [reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing
4291 Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past
4292 week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science
4293 students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
4294 with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
4295 the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
4296 to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Preliminary estimates during field testing
4297 revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
4298 the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
4299 campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
4300 Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
4301 addition to the usual humiliation.
4304 The dark side of the moon.
4309 Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
4310 Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
4311 the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
4312 nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
4313 Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
4314 the country was hopelessly trapped.
4315 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
4317 "But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?"
4318 -- Anonymous med school student.
4320 But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
4321 Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
4324 But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
4325 -- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
4327 Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses.
4330 By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
4331 get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
4335 A man who doesn't tell his wife
4336 that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
4339 From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
4340 Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
4341 "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
4342 -- Ed Moran, Covina, California
4344 California is proud to be the home of the freeway.
4347 Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
4353 If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
4354 I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
4356 "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"
4358 "Uh, not right now."
4360 "Tsk. A girl has to have some standards."
4363 Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
4364 -- From the movie "Outrageous"
4366 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
4367 You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems.
4368 They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off.
4369 That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
4370 recipients are Cancer people.
4376 -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
4378 Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.
4379 Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,
4380 and sex won't rot your teeth.
4382 Captain Hook died of jock itch.
4384 "Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
4385 the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
4386 client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
4387 a hole in the ground."
4389 Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when
4390 Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
4393 Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin,
4394 Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll:
4395 Sans bras et tout noir, Without arms and all black,
4396 Il etait affreux voir; It was horrible sight;
4397 En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end.
4400 Champagne don't make me lazy.
4401 Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
4402 Ain't nobody's business but my own.
4408 The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
4414 (And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
4416 Chastity is its own punishment.
4418 Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget
4419 bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on every neighborhood block.
4420 I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side.
4421 It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded,
4422 middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a
4423 beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head
4424 to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to
4426 He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh...
4428 He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You
4429 know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
4431 Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
4432 Jack Frost ripping up your nose
4433 Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
4434 And folks dressed up like buffaloes
4435 Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
4436 Helps to make the season right
4437 Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
4438 Will find it hard to see tonight
4439 They know that Santa's on his way
4440 He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
4441 And every mother's child is sure to spy
4442 To see if reindeer really scream when they die
4443 And so I'm offering this simple phrase
4444 To kids from one to ninety two
4445 Although it's been said many times, many ways
4446 Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
4449 I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
4450 I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
4451 And livin' off the favors of an 'igh-born lady.
4452 I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole,
4453 I don't want me pecker blown away,
4454 I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
4455 And fornicate me bloody life away!!
4457 Monday I touched her on the ankle,
4458 Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
4459 And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
4460 And Thursday I saw you know what,
4461 Friday I put me 'and upon it,
4462 Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
4463 And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
4464 And now she pays me forty quid a week!
4469 Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
4474 One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far
4475 as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
4478 One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
4479 book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
4480 follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
4483 Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in
4484 a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
4485 In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
4487 Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
4488 difficult and not tried.
4492 A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
4493 salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
4494 response time of the entire year.
4497 A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
4498 deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our
4501 Christmas comes but once a year,
4502 A time for love and laughter;
4503 You can come much more than that,
4504 But you have to clean up after.
4507 A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
4508 then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
4510 Clark Kent is a transvestite.
4513 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
4517 In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
4518 is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
4521 There is no magic...
4523 Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck,
4524 and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
4525 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
4527 Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
4528 fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
4532 Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead.
4537 CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
4540 Of my own flesh and bone
4541 With the Y chromosome changed to X.
4542 And when she is grown,
4544 We'll be of the opposite sex.
4547 Clone, clone of my own,
4548 With the Y chromosome changed to X.
4549 And when we're alone,
4550 Since her mind is my own,
4551 She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
4554 Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
4556 Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
4558 Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years.
4559 -- Tallulah Bankhead
4561 Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today.
4564 (Who's got the next line?)
4567 Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
4569 Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat.
4570 What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds?
4571 -- Orben's Current Comedy
4575 coitus interruptus, n:
4576 A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
4577 "I want to have your child."
4579 Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together. Live as
4580 ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
4581 endure marriage. But she?
4584 Coitus upon a cadaver
4585 Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
4587 Means a man needn't wait,
4588 And eliminates all the palaver.
4591 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
4594 When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
4596 College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
4597 later you wish you'd never come.
4599 Come along and sing a song and join our family.
4603 Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT.
4611 Come on now, let's try another tie!
4613 All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC.
4617 -- To the Mickey Mouse March
4619 Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait!
4620 Catholic girls start much too late,
4621 Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate,
4622 I might as well be the one.
4623 Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray,
4624 Built you a temple and locked you away,
4625 Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid,
4626 The things that you might have done.
4627 So come on, Virginia, show me a sign,
4628 Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line,
4629 That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind,
4630 Never lets in the sun.
4631 Darling, only the good die young!
4632 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
4634 Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
4638 A superfluous element of a source program included so the
4639 programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
4640 six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according
4641 to those who think they aren't.
4643 Communists do it without class.
4645 Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
4647 computerfirm nymphomaniac, n:
4650 Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
4652 Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
4654 [Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.]
4656 Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms.
4660 man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
4661 man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
4662 man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
4663 modern house without toilet uncanny.
4664 man with athletic finger make broad jump
4665 woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before
4667 man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling.
4668 woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
4669 child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
4670 turn out to be shiftless bastard.
4671 a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
4672 man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
4675 man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
4676 man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
4677 man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
4678 boy who play with himself pulls boner.
4679 woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
4680 man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
4681 man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
4682 man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
4683 man who lie under car, get tired
4684 man who stand behind car, get exhausted.
4687 woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
4688 woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
4690 man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
4691 passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
4692 man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
4693 man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
4694 woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
4695 woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
4696 Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
4697 squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
4698 epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
4699 seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
4702 woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
4703 fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
4704 woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
4705 man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
4706 man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
4707 man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
4708 man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night.
4709 man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
4710 man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life.
4711 man who streak unsuited for work.
4712 woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.
4713 man who beat off in car have hot rod.
4716 One woman plus one left turn.
4718 Two women plus one secret.
4720 Three women plus one bargain.
4722 Four women plus one luncheon check.
4725 Father's Day in San Francisco.
4728 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
4731 Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
4734 Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
4736 continental breakfast, n:
4737 A roll in bed with some honey.
4740 Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
4743 (to the tune of Copacabana)
4745 Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
4746 She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
4747 And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
4748 And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
4749 His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
4750 Won't you order one?
4752 At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...
4754 Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
4755 But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
4756 Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
4757 She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
4758 But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
4759 But a real good time ...
4761 Couples in motion have moments.
4764 Two cannibals having oral sex.
4766 Cover your stump before you hump.
4767 Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
4768 Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
4769 Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
4770 If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
4771 -- National Condom Week
4774 Life's a bitch, then you die.
4777 Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
4778 the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
4779 bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
4780 on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
4781 chew off your arm at the shoulder.
4784 When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
4787 See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically
4788 as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
4790 "Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
4791 and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
4792 because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be
4793 more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
4794 entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
4795 honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
4796 to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
4797 general understanding of science as an enterprise?
4798 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer"
4801 Eight big men and their cute little cox.
4803 Cried Miss Pratt: "What are you staring at?
4804 I know - you don't have to say that!
4805 All you guys want of me
4806 Is a poke where I pee,
4807 And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
4809 Crinklaw's Observation:
4810 Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
4811 marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
4813 Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
4814 Homo qui aedificabat.
4815 Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat.
4816 Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat.
4817 Sed virginem pine necebat.
4819 Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
4821 Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
4823 Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
4825 Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
4826 "what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
4827 "Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
4828 captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
4830 Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
4831 Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
4832 I really must beg your pardon,
4833 But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
4834 From beating my meat, against the seat,
4835 Of a bicycle built for two.
4836 -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
4838 Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
4839 Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
4840 She went down on the gents,
4841 And pronged the girl's vents
4842 With a clitoris reaching six inches.
4844 Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
4847 Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____
\b\b\b\b\bFIRST you rape, ____
\b\b\b\bTHEN you
4850 Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car
4852 -- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an
4853 axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his
4856 If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on
4857 me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
4858 -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
4859 arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
4861 At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
4863 Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
4864 He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
4865 path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
4866 sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
4867 Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
4869 "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
4870 got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
4871 you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
4872 -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
4874 Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
4876 date; talk; touch; unzip; finger; expand; strip; head; mount; yes; yes; yes;
4879 Dave has an aeroplane,
4880 In which he likes to frisk.
4881 Oh what a foolish boy,
4884 David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
4886 De Hispanice puella verumque
4887 Simplex oris verborumque
4890 Iterum iterum iterumque.
4893 I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was
4894 a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my
4895 sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother
4896 is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
4897 Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
4898 for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very
4899 much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
4900 My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?
4906 I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I
4907 think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember
4908 from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do?
4912 If she coughs, fuck her.
4915 I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois
4916 Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death
4917 in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when
4918 I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father
4920 I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where
4921 she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love
4922 this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this -- dare I tell her
4923 about my brother who works for Illinois Bell?
4927 My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims
4928 one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to
4929 know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.
4932 Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
4933 This visage meek and humble,
4934 And hear this confidential plea
4935 Voiced in reverent mumble:
4936 Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
4937 But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
4941 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
4944 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face.
4945 If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
4946 discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief,
4947 and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth
4948 along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route. If,
4949 however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more
4950 intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your
4953 "Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
4954 to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
4955 himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
4956 politically. But the designations may be good business for war
4957 veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
4958 bled it all they could consequently. And why not?"
4959 -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
4961 Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
4962 Communist politician is through, he is through.
4964 Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
4968 Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
4969 telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
4970 "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
4972 Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
4973 housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
4974 The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
4975 were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make
4976 him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
4977 put one in whatever he's drinking."
4978 Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
4979 and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped
4980 up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
4981 dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
4983 When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
4984 the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
4985 of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
4986 "What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
4987 "See that mosquito?" he replied.
4989 Dial 911. Make a cop come.
4995 What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
4997 Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
5000 Did you hear about...
5001 the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
5003 Did you hear about...
5004 the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
5006 Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother
5007 her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't
5008 ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that
5009 she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next
5010 question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told
5011 him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question
5013 Some time later, she found him looking through her purse. Sharply
5014 asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he
5015 had found the answers to all of his questions!
5016 "Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh
5017 125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!"
5019 Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot?
5021 Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
5025 Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
5026 You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
5028 Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
5029 He was blown down the street by a rocket.
5030 The force of the blast
5031 Blew his balls up his ass,
5032 And his pecker was found in his pocket.
5034 Did you hear they canceled Easter this year?
5037 Did you know that some people your age have sex
5038 thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after?
5040 Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
5042 Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
5044 Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same
5045 room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild!
5046 -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
5048 Disclaimer of the Week:
5049 Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers.
5051 Disillusioned words like bullets bark,
5052 As human gods aim for their mark,
5053 Make everything from toy guns that spark
5054 To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.
5055 It's easy to see without looking too far
5056 That not much is really sacred.
5058 Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
5060 [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
5061 two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
5063 (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
5064 confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
5065 a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
5066 of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
5067 including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
5068 cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
5069 factory puts them there.
5070 (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
5071 announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
5072 piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
5073 get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
5074 state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
5075 where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
5076 fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
5077 vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
5079 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
5081 DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!!
5084 (Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
5089 Do married women make the best wives?
5091 Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
5092 step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
5095 Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
5096 For though the world stood up
5097 And stopped the bastard,
5098 The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
5101 Do something big -- fuck a giant
5103 "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
5104 "Who else?" answered the patient.
5106 Do you smoke after sex?
5107 Why, do you know, I've never looked!
5109 Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
5111 Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him?
5112 -- `J', "The Sensuous Woman"
5114 Does it rape elephants?
5117 Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.
5118 It's easy, but it's not very satisfying.
5120 Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men
5121 are strange as hell.
5122 -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
5124 Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
5125 Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
5126 Just sit in the sand
5128 And buy bonds with the money you save.
5130 Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment.
5132 Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the
5133 idea that I'm knocking the American system.
5136 Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
5139 Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
5142 Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
5144 Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
5146 Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
5147 you through times of no dope.
5148 -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak
5149 Brothers" by Gilbert Shelton
5151 Down by the old model T,
5152 Where she first showed it to me.
5153 It was furry and black,
5154 And she called it a crack,
5155 But it looked like a manhole to me.
5157 Draft beer, not boys!
5159 Draft beer, not people
5161 Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
5162 but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
5163 exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
5166 Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
5168 Dull women have immaculate homes.
5170 DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
5171 Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
5172 And by planned obsolescence,
5173 So controlled detumescence,
5174 A poor man could not get a smell.
5176 During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
5177 Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
5178 Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I
5179 read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
5180 that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
5181 said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
5182 well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
5183 the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
5184 misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
5185 say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
5187 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
5190 A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own
5193 Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
5195 Dyslexics have more fnu.
5197 DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
5199 Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
5201 Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
5203 Eat shit and die a virgin!
5205 Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
5207 Economists are still trying to figure out why the
5208 girls with the least principle draw the most interest.
5210 EE's do it without shorts.
5212 Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.
5215 Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
5218 Eisenhower was very nice,
5219 Nixon was his only vice.
5222 Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
5223 (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
5224 sleep in the wet spot.
5225 (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
5227 (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
5228 married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
5230 (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
5231 (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
5233 (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
5235 (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
5236 (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
5237 (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
5239 (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
5240 (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
5244 Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
5246 Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
5247 professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
5252 The skin you touch to love.
5254 Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
5255 Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
5256 Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
5257 Ich hore Mann kommen."
5258 "Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
5261 The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
5263 Ethnologists up with the Sioux
5264 Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
5265 The answer next day,
5266 Said, "Girls on the way,
5267 But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
5269 Evangelists do it with Him watching.
5271 Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
5273 Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
5274 just a bit unchivalrous ...
5277 Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
5278 (Tell mate you have to work late.)
5280 Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you
5281 wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
5284 Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
5285 Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
5287 Every harlot was a virgin once.
5290 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
5291 closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive
5292 like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume
5293 and at least a pint of ether.
5294 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
5296 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
5297 closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
5298 drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
5299 -- Hunter S. Thompson
5301 Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.
5303 Please, think of the kittens.
5305 Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
5307 Bruce: "Another two! (Bottles opening.) Any questions?"
5308 Bruce: "New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?"
5309 Bruce: "Are you a Poofter?"
5311 Bruce: "No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
5313 Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
5314 Bruce: "Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos
5315 in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?"
5316 Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
5317 Bruce: "Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not
5318 drinking. Rule Five..."
5319 Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
5320 Bruce: "Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six. Rule Seven..."
5321 Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
5322 Bruce: "Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. This
5323 here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a
5324 bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Amen!
5327 Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
5330 Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
5331 Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer"
5332 and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
5334 Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans
5335 are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
5336 Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
5338 You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
5340 They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something
5342 They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon.
5343 They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
5344 What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible.
5345 It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
5346 do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world.
5348 Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
5352 A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
5354 Exuberant Sue from Anjou
5355 Found that fucking affected her hue.
5356 She presented to sight
5357 Nipples pink, bottom white;
5358 But her asshole was purple and blue.
5364 1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual.
5365 2: You and what army?
5366 3: Don't worry, I can handle it.
5367 4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
5369 5: I don't see how they make a profit
5370 out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth.
5371 6: We're just getting into semantics again.
5372 7: Everything's under control.
5373 8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me!
5375 Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full
5376 of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
5377 long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
5380 Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
5381 She was a virgin tried and true
5382 Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
5383 There ain't nothin' she won't do!
5384 Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
5385 Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
5386 Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
5387 That's why caviar is my dish!
5389 Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
5390 He was a man of ninety-three
5391 Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
5392 He had chased her up a tree!
5396 Past tense for a breast examination!
5398 Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a
5399 flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught?
5403 Life support system for a pussy.
5406 A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
5407 both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
5409 Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
5411 Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
5412 women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
5416 Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
5417 licentious, dirty bum!!
5421 Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
5423 Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree,
5424 Are powerful wardens upon chastity.
5427 Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan.
5429 Reporter: Tarzan? Is that your first or last name?
5430 Tarzan: Tarzan first name.
5431 Reporter: Then, what's your whole name?
5432 Tarzan: Tarzan of the Apes.
5433 Reporter: And who is the woman with you?
5435 Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name?
5438 First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional,
5439 Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional,
5440 Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll
5441 And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original.
5442 Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer,
5443 You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
5444 Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight,
5445 Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate!
5446 Doin' the Vatican Rag.
5448 So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen,
5449 Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman,
5450 Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria,
5451 And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya,
5452 Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
5453 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
5455 Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
5456 He was born in Palestine
5457 Has anybody seen my Lord?
5459 He's so cool, he's so fine
5460 Eat his bread and drink his wine
5461 Has anybody seen my Lord?
5463 He's so neat, he's so cool,
5464 Walks across my swimming pool.
5467 Flappity, floppity, flip
5468 The mouse on the Mobius strip;
5471 In a chronodimensional skip.
5474 A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
5476 Floating idly one day through the air,
5477 A circus performer named Blair,
5478 Tied a sizeable rock,
5479 To the end of his cock,
5480 And shattered a balcony chair.
5482 Floppy now, hard later.
5484 Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself
5485 to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
5486 by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
5487 bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
5488 life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno
5489 gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
5490 and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
5491 Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
5492 a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final
5493 appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
5497 Fond of equestrians, Mabel
5498 Looked for true love in the stable.
5499 But she found the studs,
5500 For her were all duds,
5501 Now she's out with the leg of a table.
5503 For a gay time, call 632-9483. Ask for Brucie.
5505 For a good time, call 632-9484. Ask for Cathy.
5507 For a good time, call 632-9485. Ask for Michael.
5509 For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
5510 Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
5511 He's endowed with a dong
5512 That is 12 inches long,
5513 So he wedges his foot in the door.
5515 For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
5516 -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry
5518 When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
5519 -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
5521 For children, a woman.
5522 For pleasure, a boy.
5523 For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
5525 For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
5526 exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was
5529 For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
5530 sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
5531 simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
5532 alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
5533 one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was
5534 over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
5536 He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
5539 For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
5540 That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
5543 Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
5545 "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
5546 "You have told me my bosom is snowy;
5547 You have made much fine verse on
5548 Each part of my person,
5549 Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
5551 For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
5552 version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
5553 offered by Caspar Weinberger:
5555 "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
5556 working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"
5558 -- USA Today, 24 June 1986
5561 Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
5563 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15
5566 Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
5567 foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
5570 Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
5571 function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
5572 and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
5573 romances rarely work out.
5576 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
5577 chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
5578 "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
5579 "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
5580 when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
5582 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18
5585 The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
5586 morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to
5587 have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
5590 It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
5591 Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
5592 will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
5593 He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
5594 color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him
5595 half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished
5596 his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to
5600 SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English. Have
5601 own moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries
5602 only. Discreet. Fortune P.O. Box 1910.
5605 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.
5607 Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor?
5608 Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me.
5609 Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor.
5610 Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some
5612 ^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too?
5615 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
5616 Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels.
5617 Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish
5618 Inkvizicion. Inquisition.
5619 La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two.
5620 Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
5621 ^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket,
5622 vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me?
5624 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
5627 [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell)
5628 ^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell)
5629 "How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
5631 'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell)
5632 got a light? (C shell)
5633 !!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell)
5634 PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell)
5636 make "the perfect dry martini"
5637 man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD)
5638 i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell)
5640 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3
5642 You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
5643 proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
5644 proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
5647 (a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
5648 (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
5649 (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
5651 (d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
5653 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5
5655 You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
5656 tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
5657 live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
5659 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
5661 (b) Ask what position she played.
5662 (c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
5663 (d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
5664 if he recognizes the label.
5666 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6
5668 You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
5669 your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into
5670 the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention
5671 to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone
5672 in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
5673 his daughter. Your next move is to:
5675 (a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
5676 (b) Pass out and hope for sympathy.
5677 (c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
5678 daughter and get her number.
5679 (d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
5681 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7
5682 You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
5683 and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
5684 there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
5686 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
5688 (b) Ask what position she played.
5689 (c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if
5690 he recognizes the label.
5692 Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
5693 could go either way.
5695 Fortune's Guide to Movies:
5697 PG: The hero gets the girl.
5698 R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
5699 X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
5700 which end it will be.
5701 XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
5703 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
5705 Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
5706 and you didn't scream?
5708 Q: Does that mean you consented?
5709 A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
5711 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1
5713 Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if
5714 you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack.
5715 If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch
5716 you in the face. Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent
5717 of rape and should be avoided at all cost.
5718 Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion". What do
5719 you do? Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things
5720 rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously
5721 not be rational. Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before.
5722 Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about
5723 "certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc.,
5724 they are talking about *you*. It is also correct to assume that words you
5725 don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid",
5726 are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally
5727 scathing response. Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for
5728 rational discussion. (See above.)
5730 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3
5732 The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical
5733 recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for
5734 30 odd weeks, and a memo comes across that logically tears down the
5735 final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call
5736 the author of that memo:
5737 1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason.
5738 2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping
5739 cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos
5740 are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal.
5741 3: something unpleasant.
5742 The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone
5743 has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern
5744 electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning
5745 of a memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of
5746 the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via
5747 a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos.
5749 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5
5751 Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed.
5753 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8
5755 Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table.
5757 Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual
5758 Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game
5759 shower for the first time. His friends were surprised - "For twenty years",
5760 one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for
5761 us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?"
5762 "Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual
5763 medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally
5764 decided to have the vagina removed."
5765 The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You
5766 mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all
5769 France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear
5773 From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
5774 fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The
5775 moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
5777 "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine
5779 There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
5780 "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
5783 Fuck art; let's dance!
5787 Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
5789 Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
5791 Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
5792 It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
5793 It makes you sick, it makes you well,
5794 It turns your spine to fucking jell,
5795 It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
5798 Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
5799 The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps. Shoes with
5800 heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
5804 The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
5806 Gardeners do it in raised beds.
5809 An elastic band intended to keep a woman
5810 from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
5812 Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
5816 One who'd rather swish than fight.
5818 Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
5821 Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
5823 George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
5824 find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He
5825 leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
5826 bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the
5827 foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw
5828 another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up
5829 at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
5831 George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
5832 he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't
5833 punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
5836 Where kinky sex means getting laid.
5838 "Get a load of that chick!" "Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
5839 "Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
5840 "Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!"
5841 "The worst she can say... is 'No'!"
5843 "Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif
5844 you'd like to go out with me!"
5846 Oh my god you little Geek!
5847 Get away before I freak! You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
5848 I'm a babe and you are not. You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
5849 You can't handle what I've got! Well you can beg until you're blue,
5850 I'm too hot, too hot for you.. But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
5851 I'm too hot, too hot for you.
5852 Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh!
5853 I want a whole man, not a half. I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer
5854 You wet your pants, I'm so sure. face,
5855 Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm god's gift to the male race.
5856 I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme,
5857 But you'll only see me in you dreams.
5858 "Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you.
5859 "Well, she didn't say no..."
5860 -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No"
5862 GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
5864 Get your bytes from our backend!
5867 Getting an education at the University of California is like having
5868 $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
5870 Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
5871 Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
5872 But her genital area
5873 Is so vast it'll scareya,
5874 And you venture inside at your peril.
5876 Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
5878 Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
5879 Smile at her *knowingly*.
5880 Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
5881 Nod sympathetically. Show you're on *her* side.
5882 Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
5883 Touch her hand lightly. Nobody understands but we two.
5884 Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
5887 "Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"
5889 God's gift to women strikes again.
5892 Gimme that old bisexuality,
5893 Gimme that old bisexuality,
5894 Gimme that old bisexuality,
5895 'Cause it's good enough for me!
5897 It was good for David Bowie,
5898 It was good for David Bowie,
5899 It was good for David Bowie,
5900 And it's good enough for me!
5902 Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
5905 Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand!
5907 Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation
5908 that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with
5909 certain curvilinear properties.
5912 Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for
5915 Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is,
5916 however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen
5917 upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you
5918 have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.
5919 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
5921 Girls who throw themselves at men,
5922 are actually taking very careful aim.
5924 Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
5926 Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
5929 Give me Librium or give me Meth.
5932 A girl into choral sex.
5934 GNU Make will no longer go into an infinite loop when fed the horrid
5935 trash that passes for makefiles that `imake' produces (so you can
5936 compile X, despite the extreme stubbornness and irrationality of its
5938 -- GNU Make 3.55 release notes
5940 Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
5941 and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
5943 Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
5946 God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
5950 GOD is applied POWER
5951 which is applied GOVERNMENT
5952 which is applied POLITICS
5953 which is applied ADVERTISING
5954 which is applied SOCIOLOGY
5955 which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
5956 which is applied BIOLOGY
5957 which is applied CHEMISTRY
5958 which is applied PHYSICS
5959 which is applied MATH
5960 which is applied PHILOSOPHY
5961 which is applied BULLSHIT
5963 "God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for
5964 I knew that Santa would never lie.
5966 God is big, so don't fuck with him.
5968 God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here
5969 on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these
5970 divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No
5971 checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
5974 God isn't dead -- he's been busted.
5976 God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
5978 God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
5980 God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
5982 "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
5983 "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
5984 "Well, how about Mercury?"
5985 "No, it's too hot there."
5986 "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
5987 "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
5988 there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
5989 still talking about it."
5991 God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love
5992 Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it
5993 will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else
5994 in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply
5995 for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule
5996 over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the
5997 turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent
5998 bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to
5999 impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits,
6000 for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette
6001 without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral
6002 dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming
6003 (hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well
6004 that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than
6005 expected, and may be with us for a long time yet.
6007 God's plan had a great beginning,
6008 But man spoiled his chances by sinning
6009 We trust that the story
6010 Will end in God's glory
6011 But at present the other side's winning.
6013 Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
6014 is fatal to a virgin.
6015 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
6017 Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
6018 Sold in a market down in New Orleans
6019 Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
6020 Hear him whip the women, just around midnight
6022 Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
6023 Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should
6025 Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
6026 Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
6027 House boy knows that he's doing alright
6028 You should a heard him just around midnight.
6030 I bet your mama was tent show queen
6031 And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
6032 I'm no school boy but I know what I like
6033 You should have heard me just around midnight.
6034 -- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
6036 Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love
6037 "fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke.
6038 It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind).
6039 Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players
6040 unsupervised, even briefly. There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in
6041 the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm from this
6042 simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror.
6043 Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
6047 Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
6049 Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
6050 Here's a little number I tossed up in the Caribbean recently...
6052 Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
6053 isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.
6055 It's swell to have a Stiffy,
6056 it's divine to have a Dick,
6057 from the tinyest little Tadger,
6058 to the world's greatest Prick.
6060 So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
6061 Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake.
6063 Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend,
6064 your Porky or your Cock,
6065 you can wrap it up in ribbons,
6066 you can stick it in your sock!
6068 But, don't take it out in public,
6069 or they will stick you in the dock,
6070 and you won't come back.
6071 -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
6074 Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
6076 Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his
6077 window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so*
6078 good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
6079 voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and
6080 the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but
6081 great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
6082 Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his
6083 bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply,
6084 "Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
6085 Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
6086 day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
6087 Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he
6088 dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window,
6089 Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
6090 you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
6091 asshole! I'm in the West now!"
6093 Grain grows best in shit.
6096 Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
6099 A man who can breathe through his ears.
6102 When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
6105 When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and
6106 slips you some tongue.
6109 Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
6114 Hackers do it bottom-up.
6116 Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
6118 Hackers do it with bugs.
6120 Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
6122 Hackers have kernel knowledge.
6124 Hackers know all the right MOVs.
6127 Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
6128 considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
6129 consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
6130 other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
6131 in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ...
6133 Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
6134 are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
6135 is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
6138 Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema?
6140 Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust.
6141 Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. --
6144 Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust.
6147 A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute
6148 when you're out of tampons.
6150 Hang gliders come down very slowly.
6153 The burden of proof.
6156 Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
6158 Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
6159 to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
6160 difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
6161 former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
6162 facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
6163 historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their
6167 Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
6168 22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The
6169 determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
6170 program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
6171 lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet. Within months, the
6172 rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
6173 On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
6174 by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How
6175 could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
6176 "To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
6179 Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
6180 when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
6181 boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
6182 off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
6183 that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
6184 he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
6186 "But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
6187 Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
6188 enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
6189 "Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good,
6190 feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?"
6191 Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
6192 "Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either."
6193 Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!"
6195 Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
6196 America's problems? Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
6197 difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend. If we
6198 got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
6199 by 10:00. Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
6200 but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening. Turning our
6201 attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
6202 General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
6203 up Sunday afternoon. I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
6206 Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
6207 President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got
6211 Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or
6212 uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But
6213 if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
6214 laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God
6215 other parts of our bodies are dumber.
6217 Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I
6218 mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
6219 water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
6220 is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians
6221 don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a
6222 damn about anything, which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and
6223 Shirley" week after week.
6226 Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
6227 Who came to Rumania's rescue?
6228 It's a wonderful thing
6229 To be under a king--
6230 Is democracy better, I esk you?
6232 Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
6233 Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
6236 But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
6238 Have you heard of the lady named Cox
6239 Who had a capacious old box?
6240 When her lover was in place
6241 She said, "Please turn your face.
6242 I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
6244 Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
6245 And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
6246 How they lift the frock
6248 Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
6250 Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
6251 Like some bright erotic star,
6252 He lights up the proceedings,
6253 And raises the temperature.
6254 -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
6256 Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
6257 for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
6258 attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
6259 as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
6260 Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
6261 finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
6264 Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
6265 satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical
6267 After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
6268 Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating
6269 the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will
6270 work only three times. Make use of them wisely."
6271 As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep,"
6272 he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
6273 "Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away.
6274 He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
6275 The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
6276 "Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted.
6277 Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
6278 and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
6279 "Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
6281 "Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
6282 "What's all this beep-beep shit?"
6284 Having made a remark rather coarse,
6285 A young lady was seized with remorse;
6286 She fled from the room,
6288 Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
6291 He: Am I... am I your first?
6292 She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
6294 He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
6295 She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
6297 He: So, what do you say to little fuck?
6298 She: I say, "get lost, little fuck."
6300 He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot,
6301 But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot.
6302 -- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues"
6304 He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
6305 muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
6306 But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
6308 -- An Exciting Journey
6310 He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control.
6312 He dove down overweighted with lead.
6313 Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
6314 He flapped and he flailed,
6315 Spit his hose and he wailed,
6316 Swallowed water and found himself dead.
6318 He drank with curvy Mable,
6319 The pace was fast and furious,
6320 He slid beneath the table,
6321 Not drunk but merely curious.
6323 He grabbed me by my slender neck,
6324 I could not call or scream.
6325 He dragged me to his tiny room,
6326 Where we could not be seen.
6327 He tore away my filmy wrap,
6328 And gazed upon my form.
6329 I so cold and frightened,
6330 While he so strong and warm.
6331 He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
6332 I gave him every drop.
6333 He drained me of my very self,
6334 I could not make him stop!
6335 And that is why you see me here,
6336 An empty, broken bottle of beer...
6338 He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
6339 So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
6340 unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
6341 do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey
6342 hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
6343 "We've got her here, but only for the day."
6344 The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
6345 into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
6346 cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
6347 but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided
6348 that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
6349 asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
6350 "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
6351 of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching
6352 a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher.
6353 "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really
6355 The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here
6356 a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
6358 He hated to mend, so young Ned
6359 Called in a cute neighbor instead.
6360 Her husband said, "Vi,
6361 When you stitched up his torn fly,
6362 Did you have to bite off the thread?"
6364 He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
6365 Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
6366 Then his gargantuan pole in
6367 Her pink, tight, and swollen
6368 Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
6370 He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
6372 He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
6374 He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat --
6375 scared it'd get serious.
6377 He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date."
6379 He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth
6380 and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
6383 He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
6384 _
\bH_
\bA_
\bD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
6388 He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
6390 He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
6391 damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
6393 He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
6396 He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
6397 sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
6401 one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
6402 have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
6405 the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow
6406 Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book?
6409 the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing
6413 the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing
6417 the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
6418 demanded a salary on next week's advance?
6421 the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll?
6422 Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
6425 the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
6429 the careless canary that did it for a lark?
6432 the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
6435 the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
6436 The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
6437 which end it will be.
6440 the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
6441 a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
6444 the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
6447 the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the
6451 the doctor that prescribed sex for insomnia? His patients didn't
6452 get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
6455 the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed
6456 everybody in the joint?
6459 the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and
6460 asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling?
6463 the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
6464 next morning found she was six months pregnant?
6467 the farmer who couldn't keep his
6468 hands off his wife so he fired them?
6471 the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he
6475 the fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
6476 her between the limbs?
6479 the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
6482 the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
6483 accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book.
6486 the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
6489 the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?
6492 the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the
6493 delinquency of a major?
6496 the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went
6500 the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex
6501 education when she heard the final exam would be oral?
6504 the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and
6505 then his wife didn't leave town?
6508 the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider
6509 marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?
6512 the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local
6516 the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
6517 so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
6520 the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was
6521 such a sweet liquor?
6524 the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator
6528 the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
6531 the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just kind of lost
6535 the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he
6536 lost his ball bearings?
6539 the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
6540 Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
6543 the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
6544 he'd never be able to face his girl again?
6547 the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
6550 the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?
6553 the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
6554 assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
6557 the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and
6558 so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
6561 the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
6564 the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
6565 a lot more than letters behind the files?
6568 the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
6569 with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
6572 the little boy that found a fifty cent
6573 piece, so he went home for some money?
6576 the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home
6580 the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent? Except on
6581 Palm Sunday, of course.
6584 the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
6585 York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
6588 the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
6589 he'd never be able to face his girl again?
6592 the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
6593 that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
6596 the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk
6597 and they eat each other.
6600 the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap,
6601 crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
6604 the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
6605 Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard.
6608 the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
6609 single bars -- BANG AMERICARD?
6612 the new rule at the girls' school?
6613 Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
6616 the new vitamin made from chicken blood,
6617 it makes men cocky and women lay better?
6620 the nurse they thought had drowned
6621 until they found her under the doc?
6624 the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
6627 the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
6630 the perverted Australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
6633 the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
6634 a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
6637 the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
6638 without getting any mail in her box?
6641 the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
6642 men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
6645 the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought
6646 someone would grab his seat?
6649 the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini?
6652 the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
6655 the swinger who labeled his little black book "Future Shack"?
6658 the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
6662 the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell
6666 the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have
6667 to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted?
6670 the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her
6671 feel like a new man?
6674 the young lady attacked in San Francisco?
6675 By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
6678 the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
6679 Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
6680 she's a wonderful mount?
6683 guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that
6684 if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent.
6687 bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
6688 Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years?
6691 the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization
6692 in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member
6696 the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
6697 collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?
6700 the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled
6701 "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
6704 there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky
6705 tastes? There's a House whip in attendance, of course?
6708 those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
6709 version -- with nuts of course?
6711 Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.
6712 Seems he's screwing everyone but her.
6714 He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
6715 They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
6716 So he put Spanish fly
6717 In their pudding and pie
6718 And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
6720 Heisenberg may have done it.
6722 "Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
6723 "I won't suck his filthy old prick!
6724 It's not that I funk
6725 At a mouthful of spunk,
6726 But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
6728 "Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..."
6729 -- Zippy the Pinhead
6732 This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
6733 Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
6734 and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
6736 One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
6737 tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
6738 grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
6739 hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
6741 Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
6742 He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
6743 pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
6744 of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.
6746 Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
6747 oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
6748 glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ********
6749 and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
6750 the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
6752 Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
6755 Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.)
6758 One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
6760 Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
6761 Could rotate his pecker, and then
6762 He would shoot through his rear
6764 Of the girls, and the envy of men.
6766 Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
6767 Had morals the city might soften.
6768 So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
6769 Are you living in sin?"
6770 Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
6772 Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
6776 Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
6778 Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
6779 Just gave birth to another Texan.
6781 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with
6782 the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul
6783 Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define
6784 pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
6785 court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
6786 Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
6787 it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
6788 his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
6789 enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
6790 ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
6791 that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
6792 it because the court was going to take a nap.
6793 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
6795 Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
6796 The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
6797 He spent his life in a futile hunt,
6798 To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
6799 And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
6800 'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
6802 Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
6803 King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
6805 * Governmental offices
6810 * Parts of Palm Beach
6812 and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
6813 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
6815 Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
6816 She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
6817 She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
6818 She has the box the cherry came in.
6820 Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
6821 She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
6822 She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
6823 She makes things stand that have no feet.
6825 Here's to the girl that's sweet,
6826 Here's to the girl that's true,
6827 Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
6829 In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
6830 the rest of the night?
6832 Here's to the woman beautiful and divine
6833 she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
6834 she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
6835 can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
6837 Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling
6842 A man who'd rather get off by himself.
6845 The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
6848 He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
6849 -- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
6851 He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
6852 read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
6854 He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
6855 he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
6857 He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
6858 ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
6859 stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
6860 him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
6861 He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
6862 this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
6863 Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
6864 processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
6865 longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
6867 THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
6871 How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
6873 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
6874 A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
6875 become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just
6876 like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
6877 They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents
6878 today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the
6879 male or female edition.
6881 HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
6882 Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right!
6883 Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
6884 for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
6886 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
6887 Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
6888 oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today!
6890 Hickory Dickory Dock,
6891 Three mice ran up a clock!
6892 The clock struck one,
6895 There was an old woman,
6896 Who lived in a shoe,
6897 Who had so many children,
6898 Her uterus fell right out.
6900 Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational
6901 Yale University Extracurricular
6902 Gave up misogyny Heterosexual
6903 Opened its door. Fun is in store.
6905 Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
6907 His shy bride admitted to Crandall
6908 That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
6909 But a cock like his dick
6910 Gave her ten times the kick,
6911 Though it strained her wee peehole to handle!
6913 Home is where the hurt is.
6916 Honest, officer, had I known my health was
6917 in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one!
6920 Almost as good as in 'er.
6923 When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
6925 Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done.
6926 Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another
6927 weak sister to be shored up.
6930 HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
6933 1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then
6934 scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!"
6935 2. Washing your partner's back is sexy. Washing your panty hose is not.
6936 3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil
6937 it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've
6938 seen bigger wangs on hamsters!"
6939 4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing. Don't pass anything else.
6940 5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a
6943 How can you say that the world isn't
6944 Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
6946 How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
6948 How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
6949 government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
6950 gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
6951 lucky to escape with our skins!
6953 How should they answer?
6954 -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question
6955 "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
6957 How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
6958 Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
6960 HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
6961 Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
6962 Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and
6963 be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
6966 Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
6969 Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
6971 Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the
6972 bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot.
6974 Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse.
6977 A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
6979 I am an atheist, thank God!
6981 I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
6982 once was ... an arctic wilderness.
6985 I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
6986 You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's
6987 going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
6988 you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
6989 a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
6990 -- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach.
6992 I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost
6993 perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are
6994 too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it
6995 the one immortal blemish of mankind.
6996 -- Fredrich Nietzsche
6998 I call it the "Madman Theory". I want the North Vietnamese to believe that
6999 I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war. We'll
7000 just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed
7001 about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
7002 hand on the nuclear button."
7005 I came; I saw; I fucked up.
7007 I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the
7008 afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair.
7011 I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
7014 I choked Linda Lovelace.
7016 I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
7017 but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
7018 and wallowing in its odor.
7021 I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America;
7022 here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully
7023 rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined
7024 5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country! I came back to England (after
7025 absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty!
7026 -- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the
7027 Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley,
7028 & left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing! Being now Lord of the Manor, I
7029 began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the
7030 Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before
7031 they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of
7032 Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of
7033 Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every
7034 week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
7035 Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
7036 -- William Cobbett, British journalist
7038 I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
7039 Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
7040 I replied, "Simple shagging
7042 Is only for screwing canoeing."
7044 "I do love a lay every day,
7045 So whenever you're coming this way
7046 Just phone in advance
7047 And I'll jerk off my pants,
7048 And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
7050 I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof.
7052 I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
7054 [An equal opportunity lover? Ed.]
7056 I don't drink water; fish fuck in it.
7059 I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let
7060 them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save
7064 I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the
7065 money and all the pussy.
7066 -- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
7068 I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
7069 -- The Undergraduate
7071 I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone
7072 I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
7073 If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In
7074 Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal
7075 My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
7077 Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer
7078 Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
7079 When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living
7080 With You Is the Pits
7081 I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger
7082 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
7084 "I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
7085 marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
7087 I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is
7088 one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
7090 I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles.
7091 It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.
7094 I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
7095 just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
7096 I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?"
7097 And she replied, "A Stetson."
7099 "I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant,"
7100 sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the
7103 I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about
7104 Italians -- they're so Jewish.
7107 I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
7111 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve
7112 years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled
7116 I have a funny daddy
7117 Who goes in and out with me
7118 And everything that baby does
7119 Daddy's sure to see,
7120 And everything that baby says,
7121 My daddy's sure to tell.
7122 You _
\bm_
\bu_
\bs_
\bt have read my daddy's verse.
7123 I hope he fries in Hell.
7126 "I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
7127 the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
7128 the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
7129 it was enough to make a blown man cry."
7131 I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
7134 I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us
7135 take our fill of love until the morning.
7138 I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
7139 but when I tried it I kept falling off.
7141 I knew Leo G. Carrol
7143 When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"]
7144 And I really got hot
7145 When I saw Jeanette Scott
7146 Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
7148 Science fiction, double feature
7149 Doctor X will build a creature.
7150 See androids fighting Brad and Janet
7151 Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
7153 At the late night, double feature, picture show.
7154 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
7156 I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
7158 He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
7161 I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
7163 She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
7166 I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
7168 She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
7172 I know of a fortunate Hindu
7173 Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
7174 By the ladies he knows,
7175 Who are thrilled to the toes
7176 By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
7178 I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
7179 Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
7180 -- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
7182 I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust
7183 an Englishman in the dark.
7186 I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
7188 I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family
7189 is to bring a New Yorker home first.
7191 I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
7193 I met a young man in Chungking
7194 Who had a very long thing --
7195 But you'll guess my surprise
7196 When I found that its size
7197 Just measured a third-finger ring!
7199 I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
7200 into my neighborhood after dark.
7203 I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought
7207 I never had Miss Defauw,
7208 But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
7209 If she'd only said "No"
7210 When I wanted her so;
7211 But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
7213 I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
7215 I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
7216 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
7218 I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
7221 I once had the wife of a Dean
7222 Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
7223 She remarked with some gaiety,
7224 "Not bad for the laiety,
7225 Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
7227 I once met a lassie named Ruth
7228 In a long distance telephone booth.
7229 Now I know the perfection
7230 Of an ideal connection
7231 Even if somewhat uncouth.
7233 I once was annoyed by a queer
7234 Who made his intentions quite clear.
7235 Said I, "I'm no prude,
7236 So don't think me rude,
7237 But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
7241 [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.]
7243 I own my own body, but I share.
7245 I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless
7246 bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
7247 as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
7248 -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
7250 I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
7251 Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
7252 trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
7253 go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
7254 that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
7255 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
7257 I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
7258 oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
7262 I shot a query into the net.
7263 I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten
7264 But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
7265 And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please
7266 Don't send such drivel overseas;
7267 A lawyer sent me private mail
7268 And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax:
7269 I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
7270 And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile
7271 And criticized my writing style.
7272 Each day I scan each Subject line
7273 In hopes the topic will be mine;
7274 I shot a query into the net.
7275 I haven't got an answer yet...
7278 I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around
7279 with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
7282 I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.
7283 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's
7284 suggestion that all good Christians should be against
7285 Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court
7287 I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
7288 that has ever happened, and vice versa.
7291 I think the Mormon prophet
7292 Was a very funny man.
7293 I wonder how his wives enjoyed
7294 His Prophet Sharing Plan.
7296 I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
7299 I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we
7300 had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
7301 dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
7302 from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle
7303 Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
7304 with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for
7305 them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
7306 an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
7307 of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near
7308 to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
7309 What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
7310 Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
7311 the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
7312 of an Untenured Professor?
7313 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
7315 I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
7316 -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
7318 I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
7321 I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
7323 I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
7324 I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
7327 I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up.
7329 I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island
7330 by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me
7331 about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with.
7332 "See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my
7333 two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!"
7334 As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that
7335 dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!"
7336 As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
7337 that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they
7338 call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!"
7340 "I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear
7341 grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up
7342 and stuck it in my back."
7344 "What *could* I do? I married his daughter."
7346 I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
7347 a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one
7349 -- Rodney Dangerfield
7351 I wish I was a fascinating lady
7352 With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
7353 I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
7354 I'd live in a house with a little red light
7355 And once a month I'd take a small vacation
7356 And leave all the men to their imagination
7357 And once in a while I'd go all wild
7358 And have myself an illegitimate child
7359 I wish I were a fascinating lady
7360 Instead I'm the minister's child
7362 I wish that my room had a floor;
7363 I don't so much care for a door,
7364 But this walking around
7365 Without touching the ground
7366 Is getting to be quite a bore!
7369 I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
7370 Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
7371 I wonder can she tell
7372 That I've been raising hell;
7373 Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
7375 My wife is just as nice as can be,
7376 I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
7377 For an afternoon of joy,
7378 Is hell on the old boy,
7379 I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
7381 I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
7382 I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
7383 She said it was crude
7384 To be wooed in the nude--
7385 I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
7387 I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
7388 I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
7389 And in all my lewd life
7390 I've met none like your wife,
7391 So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
7393 I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is
7394 going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
7395 your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother
7399 I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
7401 I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
7402 scares the shit out of me.
7405 I'd like to give the world a hug
7406 And tell it jokes and stuff
7407 And pull its pants down to its knees
7408 And chase it through the rough
7410 Then tie it up with bonds and straps
7411 And search its purse for change
7412 Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
7413 With our cousin who's deranged ...
7414 -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
7416 I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
7419 I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young
7421 -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
7423 I'd rather have fingers than toes,
7424 I'd rather have ears than a nose,
7425 And a happy erection
7426 Brought just to perfection
7427 Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
7429 I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
7431 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't
7432 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
7434 If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
7438 If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
7439 showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
7440 corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out.
7443 If being bi increases your chance of getting a date,
7444 does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?
7446 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
7447 James Watt's office.
7448 -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
7450 If continence causes neurosis
7451 And intercourse causes thrombosis
7454 Than live in a state of psychosis.
7456 If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
7458 If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
7459 He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
7461 If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
7463 If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
7466 If God had wanted people to give blow
7467 jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
7469 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
7472 If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy,
7473 would He have made it look like a taco?
7475 If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
7477 If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
7479 If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.
7482 If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
7483 In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
7484 If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
7485 I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
7486 If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
7487 Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
7488 I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
7489 I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.
7491 I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
7492 I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
7493 I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
7494 I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
7495 If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
7496 Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
7497 I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
7498 Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
7500 A penis to plunder, a penis to push
7501 'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
7502 A penis to love me, a penis to share,
7503 To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
7504 -- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy"
7506 If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
7507 -- Tommy Earl Bruner
7509 If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
7510 -- Rodney Dangerfield
7512 If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
7514 If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible
7516 -- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood
7518 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot
7519 to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think
7520 the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty*
7521 pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get
7522 lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets
7523 lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and
7524 think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive
7528 If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
7530 If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
7532 If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
7534 If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
7536 -- Diogenes the Cynic
7538 If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
7541 If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
7543 If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
7545 If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
7546 suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only
7547 fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
7548 only two went back to women.
7551 If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
7552 and never be our destiny.
7553 -- Ren'
\be de Visme Williamson
7555 If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
7556 If they can, then fuck 'em.
7558 If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
7559 If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
7561 If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently?
7563 If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
7566 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
7568 The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
7569 don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In
7570 addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
7571 following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
7573 -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
7575 -- That pi equals precisely 3.000.
7576 -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
7577 -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
7579 -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
7580 -- That pi equals precisely 22/7.
7582 Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
7583 studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
7584 done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject
7585 of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
7587 If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
7589 If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
7591 If you find for your verse there's no call,
7592 And you can't afford paper at all,
7593 For the true poet born,
7595 There is always the lavat'ry wall.
7597 If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
7600 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
7601 in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
7603 If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position.
7605 If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
7607 If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
7608 Employ first-order predicate calculus.
7609 With sufficient formality,
7610 The sheerest banality,
7611 Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
7613 "If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
7617 If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
7618 abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
7620 If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
7621 town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're
7622 screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
7623 ... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
7627 If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written
7628 in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing
7629 friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out
7630 like one or the other of you planned.
7632 If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
7633 when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
7635 If you're speaking of actions immoral
7636 The how about giving the laurel
7637 To doughty Queen Esther,
7638 No three men could best her --
7639 One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
7641 Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
7644 Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
7645 D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
7646 Il la mene chaque soir
7648 Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
7651 Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
7652 Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
7653 Il dit:"quant a' moi,
7654 Je deteste tous les trois,
7655 Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
7657 Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
7658 Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
7660 J'entends quelqu'un venait."
7661 Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
7663 Il y avait une madame de Lahore
7664 Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
7665 Mais la vagine tres forte,
7666 Toujours ouverte la porte,
7667 Encore, et encore, et encore.
7669 "I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
7670 doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month.
7671 "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went
7672 out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
7673 always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat
7674 down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the
7675 side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
7676 aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll
7677 tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
7678 gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
7680 I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
7681 -- Rodney Dangerfield
7683 I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body!
7684 -- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived
7686 I'm a lover not a dancer!
7687 I'm a lover not a dancer!
7688 Don't want to be on my feet,
7689 When I can be on my back,
7690 Don't want to be on the floor,
7691 When I can be in the sack!
7692 I'm a lover not a dancer!
7693 I'm a lover not a dancer!
7694 I'm just a little bit tired
7695 If you know what I mean,
7696 Don't want to be in a crowd
7697 When I can be in a dream!
7698 I'm a lover not a dancer!
7700 And, baby, let me prove it to you,
7701 Baby, let me prove it to you!
7702 -- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants"
7704 I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
7705 -- Martin Cruz Smith
7707 I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
7708 "I've just had a good war."
7711 I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
7712 -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
7715 Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is
7719 I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
7720 it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
7721 government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
7724 I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's
7725 goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps
7726 -- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are
7727 goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
7728 Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are
7729 very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is
7730 very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them.
7733 I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
7736 I'm not a pheasant plucker,
7737 I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
7738 I'm just a'plucking pheasants
7739 'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
7742 "I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway."
7745 I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
7746 -- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
7748 I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here
7749 -- Song title by Stephen Bishop.
7751 She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft
7752 -- Song title by Jerry Reed.
7754 When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
7755 -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard.
7757 I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
7758 -- Unattributed song title.
7760 Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life
7761 -- Unattributed song title.
7763 I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my
7764 girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd
7765 like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
7768 I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans ...
7770 Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
7771 I'm getting WARM ...
7773 I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
7776 Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
7777 couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
7779 Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
7780 Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
7781 David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
7782 And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
7783 There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
7784 Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
7786 John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
7787 On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
7788 Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
7789 Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
7790 Hobbes was fond of his dram,
7791 And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
7792 Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
7793 A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
7794 -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
7797 Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
7799 In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
7800 what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
7801 Finally they decide:
7802 "Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us
7803 bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
7804 Finally a telegram comes back:
7805 "NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
7807 In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
7808 chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
7809 principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
7812 In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
7813 Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
7814 His wife said, "Oh, stuff
7815 That philosophy guff
7816 Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
7818 "In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
7819 reality at any point."
7820 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
7822 In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray;
7823 Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow
7824 with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon
7825 Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for
7826 soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind...
7829 In days of old, when knights were bold,
7830 And rubbers weren't invented,
7831 They tied their socks around their cocks
7832 And babies were prevented.
7834 In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
7835 Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
7836 But this lubricant lapse
7837 Isn't noticed, perhaps
7838 Because nobody does in Duluth.
7840 In France they piss on Main Street
7841 (In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
7844 In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
7845 its magazine, for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold.
7847 In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
7848 Was the first time I ever laid down,
7849 I was both proud and shy
7850 As he opened his fly
7851 And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
7853 Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
7854 As it went in I made not a sound,
7855 The more that he shoved it
7856 The more that I loved it,
7857 As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
7859 In my sweet little night gown of blue,
7860 On the first night that I slept with you,
7861 I was both shy and scared
7862 As the bed was prepared,
7863 And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
7865 As we both watched the break of day,
7866 And in peaceful submission I lay,
7867 You said you adored it
7868 But dammit, you tore it,
7869 My sweet little night gown of blue.
7871 In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
7873 In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless
7874 he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client
7875 has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated
7876 that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time
7878 -- Dennis Miller, SNL News
7880 In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
7881 Massaging the bust of his madam,
7882 He chuckled with mirth,
7883 For he knew that on earth,
7884 There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
7886 In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
7887 beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
7888 evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all
7889 evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning
7890 the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her
7891 bed watching him. Finally, she said softly,
7892 "Didn't you forget something?"
7893 "What did I forget?" asked the officer.
7894 "You forgot about the money," said the lady.
7895 "Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention.
7896 "A Polish officer never accepts money."
7898 In the shade of the old apple tree
7899 Where between her fat legs I could see
7901 With the hair in a knot,
7902 And it certainly looked good to me.
7904 I asked as I tickled her tit
7905 If she thought that my big thing would fit.
7906 She said it would do
7907 So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree
7908 In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me.
7909 In the soft dewy grass
7910 I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass
7911 As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see.
7913 But you should have seen mine
7914 In the shade of the old apple tree.
7916 In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
7917 kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
7918 kissing him on the balls.
7919 -- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
7925 Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
7928 When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
7929 When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
7931 Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
7932 is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
7934 ====================
7940 If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
7941 her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah,
7944 ====================
7950 Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one
7951 more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day.
7953 "Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
7954 someone writes `bible thumpers?'"
7955 -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
7957 Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since
7958 the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of
7959 cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him
7960 a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it."
7961 Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him.
7962 When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came
7963 in second," Palmer replied.
7964 "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
7965 "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did."
7967 It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
7968 classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
7970 It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
7972 It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
7974 It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the
7975 general and lust for its destruction in the particular.
7977 It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
7979 It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
7980 Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
7982 -- Winston Churchill
7984 It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
7985 You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
7987 It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that
7988 could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered,
7989 broad-hipped, and short-legged race.
7992 It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
7993 war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
7994 teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse
7995 to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes
7996 mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
7997 the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
7998 means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine
8000 By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
8001 registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored
8002 fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then
8003 startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
8004 finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
8005 his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample
8006 was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
8007 all of us foolishly licked that finger.
8008 "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first
8009 principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled.
8010 We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some
8011 anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said
8012 continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but
8013 licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
8015 It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
8016 if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
8017 Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
8018 but there's just no way for us to know it.
8019 -- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
8021 It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
8023 It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
8024 very unfortunate place to have it.
8025 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
8027 "It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then
8028 god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
8031 It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one
8032 sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle
8033 of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that
8034 "nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In
8035 a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in.
8036 The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention
8037 the apparent miracle.
8038 A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a
8039 moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes
8041 By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his
8042 beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian
8043 teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST
8044 AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything
8045 they could do, with God's help, he could do as well.
8046 The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to
8047 shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the
8048 lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to
8049 the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the
8052 It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar. The Scot
8053 immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were
8054 on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best. The next
8055 day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar.
8057 It seems that John gets this phone call:
8058 "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end of the line
8060 "This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months
8062 "Of course, Susan!", John replies. "How are you?"
8063 "Not very well. Remember how after the party you took me home and
8064 we parked? And you told me that I was a 'good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant
8065 and I'm going to kill myself tonight."
8066 John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. "Well,"
8067 he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport."
8069 It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He
8070 was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being
8071 a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for
8072 forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded
8073 from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop
8074 but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the
8075 Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena,
8076 the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between
8077 gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could
8078 even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he
8079 pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him,
8080 he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith,
8081 forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the
8082 lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him.
8083 Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled
8084 upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so
8085 the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying.
8086 "Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..."
8088 It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
8089 Especially in a paternity hearing.
8091 It takes leather balls to play rugby.
8092 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
8094 It takes little strain and no art
8095 To bang out an echoing fart.
8096 The reaction is hearty
8097 When you fart at a party,
8098 But the sensitive persons depart.
8100 It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
8101 They can kiss that shit goodbye.
8103 It was a female that drove me to drink
8104 and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.
8107 "It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The
8108 Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital
8110 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
8112 It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
8113 They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
8114 the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting
8115 excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse
8116 off and we'll see what he does?"
8117 At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
8118 off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and
8119 jumping up and down.
8120 "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all
8121 your clothes and we'll see what he does."
8122 Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape
8123 really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
8124 in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to
8125 the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
8126 "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
8128 It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
8129 frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
8130 bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
8131 "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
8133 "OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
8134 The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman
8135 at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would
8137 "Vinegar and water."
8139 It was April the 41st,
8140 Being a quadruple leap year.
8141 I was driving in down-town Atlantis.
8142 My Barracuda was in the shop,
8143 So I was in a rented stingray
8144 -- and it was over-heating.
8145 So, I pulled into a Shell station.
8146 They said I'd blown a seal.
8147 I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private
8148 life out of it, okay pal?"
8151 It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
8152 gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
8153 line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
8154 Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
8156 "Just fair," was the answer.
8157 "You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
8159 "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
8161 "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now
8162 you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
8163 "To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
8164 I'm a tit mouse myself."
8166 It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
8167 "Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful
8169 Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again
8170 and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
8171 Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another
8172 sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
8174 "Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
8177 It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on
8178 their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
8179 "Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been
8180 married three times."
8181 "Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman,
8182 and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one
8183 of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the
8184 third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
8185 would be up in 15 minutes.
8187 It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
8188 trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
8189 knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
8190 in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
8191 Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on
8192 the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
8193 "Tell us a story," begged Mary.
8194 "Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
8195 her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?"
8196 "Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
8197 "About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
8199 It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up
8200 not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or
8201 written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems
8202 a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was
8203 the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found
8204 myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life --
8205 my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing
8206 where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there
8207 was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us
8208 our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an
8209 oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I
8210 would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of
8211 her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese
8212 don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say,
8213 because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the
8214 good things in your life.
8215 -- Stephen King, "The Body"
8217 It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
8218 was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking
8219 upperclassman, he inquired,
8220 "Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
8221 "My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
8222 sentences with a preposition."
8223 "All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
8226 It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a
8227 huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous. At lights-out, the inmate
8228 jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to
8229 have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
8230 A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess
8232 "OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
8234 It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know
8238 It's a bitch being butch.
8240 It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
8241 on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
8243 It's a question of Napoleon brandy versus Ripple.
8244 I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
8245 -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
8246 of older women versus younger women
8248 "It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
8249 in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
8250 soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
8252 It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
8255 It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
8257 It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
8259 It's midnight. The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his
8260 20-year-old son comes in.
8262 "Whatta you mean? You staya out alla night, you runna around widda
8263 bums. Whatta you trying to do?"
8264 "Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy.
8265 "Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that? You no work, you
8266 chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?"
8267 "Papa, *please* don't talk like that."
8268 "Don'ta talka like that? Whatta you mean? Why shouldn't I talka
8270 "Papa, we're not Italian."
8272 It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
8275 It's not pretty being easy.
8277 It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
8279 It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
8281 It's the sighs that count.
8283 I've been feeling kind of jealous,
8284 Of all them well-hung fellas,
8285 Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one,
8286 Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun,
8287 I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock.
8288 If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon,
8289 They would turn on to my hardon --
8290 If I only had a cock.
8291 Oh, I can tell you now,
8292 The number of times I'd score,
8293 I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife,
8294 I never have before, Living a little mouse-life
8295 And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long.
8296 And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry
8297 Life would be a ding-a-derry
8298 If I only had a dong!
8299 -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
8301 I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something
8302 on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights
8303 were more than enough.
8305 I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
8306 and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
8307 to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the
8308 gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
8309 The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
8310 the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
8311 maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
8312 weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The
8313 four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
8314 in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs.
8315 Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
8316 have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
8317 Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can.
8321 I've finally found the perfect girl,
8322 I couldn't ask for more,
8323 She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
8324 And owns a liquor store.
8326 I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
8327 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
8329 Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
8330 -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a
8331 public toilet during a tour of the Far East
8333 I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
8334 watch him have another.
8337 Jack an Jill went up the hill.
8341 Jack and Jill went up a hill
8342 To fetch a pail of water.
8343 Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill
8344 And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her,
8345 Then went down and told the town
8346 He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
8347 Jack to Jill thus did such ill
8348 That Jill, to pay the rotter,
8349 Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill
8350 When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter.
8351 Half the town deals Jill a frown
8352 And half greets Jack with laughter.
8354 Jack and Jill went up the hill
8355 Each had a buck and a quarter.
8356 Jill came down with two and a half --
8357 And you thought that they went for water.
8361 Each had a buck and a quarter!
8363 With two and a half,
8364 You think they went for water?
8366 Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
8367 Jack jumped over the candle stick,
8368 And burnt his balls.
8370 Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
8371 Jack jumped over the candle stick.
8372 But Jack wasn't so nimble,
8373 Jack wasn't so quick,
8374 So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
8376 Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
8378 Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
8380 Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
8381 and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
8382 among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
8383 Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits
8384 Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon!
8385 I'm trying to make a point, here!"
8387 Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
8389 Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
8390 -- Michael O'Donohugh
8394 (He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.)
8396 "Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
8401 (And Esposito scores on the rebound!)
8403 Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
8405 Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
8406 -- From the movie "My Favorite Year".
8408 Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
8409 on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
8410 "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
8411 women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
8412 "Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
8413 "Do we have time?" Hart asked.
8414 "Do we have time?" Biden asked.
8415 "Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked.
8417 Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
8419 John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized
8423 John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing
8424 his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark:
8425 "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on
8428 Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics:
8429 Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull
8430 over to the side of the road.
8432 Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
8433 blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
8434 like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky
8435 or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ
8436 came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
8437 nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get
8438 crucified in the morning.
8439 -- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull
8441 Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep
8442 are scared and the women are grateful.
8445 Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only
8446 one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
8447 groats"? *_
\bI* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't
8448 help *___
\b\b\byou* much.
8449 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
8451 Kill a commie for Christ!
8453 King Louis gave a lesson in class,
8454 One time while enjoying a lass.
8455 When she used the word "Damn"
8456 He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
8457 Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
8459 Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
8460 sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As
8461 for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
8464 Kitten with a whip, Teddy bear in chains, Puss in leather boots,
8465 tail, swish swish, spread on a bed; rising thigh high;
8466 take what you will, fantasy games, black rubber suits;
8467 get what you wish. deep in your head. making him cry.
8469 Squirm from the blows, Now pussy's all hot, Teddy bear sighs;
8470 writhe from the pain; from the power trip; kitty's on top;
8471 but teddy bear knows, ready or not, there's fire in her eyes,
8472 that he wants it again. next swing's from and the cat won't stop.
8475 The world explodes, Teddy's still tied; Kitten with a whip,
8476 her claws dig in; lying all alone; tail, swish swish,
8477 then kitty cat goes, even if he tried, take what you will,
8478 cause she's through he couldn't go home. get what you wish.
8480 -- Kitten With A Whip
8482 Knowledge Engineering:
8487 The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
8488 of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
8489 structures, machines, products, systems and processes.
8496 See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
8498 Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating
8499 fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects: dozens of
8500 species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not quantify, control,
8501 or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature individually, then
8502 threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre
8503 in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest in one of ethology's
8504 most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning,
8505 such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before
8506 flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had trained a free-flying
8507 raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several
8508 hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of
8509 meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill. By and by, Lorenz
8510 went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven saw him put his hand
8511 into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
8512 grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled in pain. But the event
8513 left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
8514 intention movements, that is.
8515 -- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science.
8518 Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
8521 Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
8522 somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
8523 Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact,
8524 an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
8525 sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
8528 Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
8529 partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
8534 Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!"
8535 Pro: "Ummm, well, where?"
8536 Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
8537 Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat."
8540 Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
8542 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
8543 all will end as doves.
8545 Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
8547 "Last night," said a lassie named Ruth,
8548 "In a long-distance telephone booth,
8549 I enjoyed the perfection
8550 Of an ideal connection --
8551 I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
8553 Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
8556 Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
8559 Lawyers do it to everyone.
8561 Left a good broad by the river,
8562 Traveled back into town just to get some rest!
8563 Waited for 10 hours,
8564 Went back to the river,
8565 But I couldn't get her out of that mess!
8568 Poor Mary Jo Kopechne,
8569 Dead Mary Jo Kopechne,
8570 Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window!
8572 If you're gonna run for office,
8573 And you know that it's an election year.
8574 Don't go in the river,
8575 'Specially by way of bridges,
8576 It could put an end to your political career!
8578 -- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
8580 "Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million black
8581 people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything
8583 -- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime
8584 Minister Botha of South Africa.
8586 Les salons de la ville de Trieste
8587 Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
8588 Parmi les grandes chaises
8589 On cause des malaises,
8590 Des estropiements, et des pestes.
8593 Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
8595 LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
8597 So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
8599 Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been
8600 disqualified from entering.
8601 Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?"
8602 "Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered.
8603 "I never did that," Liberace replied. "Can't you check your records?
8604 They *must* be wrong!"
8605 "It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse
8606 parakeet with black trim."
8607 "Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace
8608 replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
8612 Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
8614 Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
8615 It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
8617 Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
8618 -- Rodney Dangerfield
8620 Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's
8621 in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
8623 Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
8624 hard you get fucked.
8626 Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread
8627 you have, the less shit you have to eat.
8629 Life is not a cabaret.
8630 It's a fucking circus.
8632 Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy.
8634 Like private parts to the Gods are we,
8635 they play with us for their sport.
8636 -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)
8638 Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
8639 Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
8640 Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
8641 'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
8642 -- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
8646 ... do it with tail recursion.
8647 ... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
8648 ... have DEFUN while doing it.
8649 ... have to be bound to do it.
8650 ... have Moby dicks.
8652 Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
8654 Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
8656 Little Boy Blue -- He needed the money.
8657 -- Andrew "Dice" Clay
8659 LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the
8660 'little death' of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The
8661 experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner
8662 cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept
8663 with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that."
8664 By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause
8665 for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter,
8666 or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along
8667 with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their
8668 eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony
8669 to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the
8670 intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.
8673 Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother
8674 told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra
8675 hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next
8676 morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
8678 "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
8679 "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
8680 your prayers have been answered."
8681 Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
8682 "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
8683 "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
8685 Little Johnny with a grin,
8686 Drank up all of daddy's gin,
8687 Mother said, when he was plastered,
8688 Go to bed, you little love-child.
8690 Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the
8691 1950's were uttered by June Cleaver.
8692 "Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
8694 Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
8695 Eating her curds and whey.
8696 Along came a spider,
8697 And bit her right in the snatch.
8699 Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
8700 Eating her curds and whey.
8701 Along came a spider,
8702 Who sat down beside her,
8703 And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
8704 -- Andrew "Dice" Clay
8706 Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
8707 Her knickers all tattered and torn.
8708 For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
8709 But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
8714 Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her
8715 And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!"
8717 Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
8718 her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
8719 "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
8720 "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily,
8721 "Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
8723 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
8724 fruits and nuts is flakes.
8726 Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies.
8727 When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife
8728 raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his
8729 distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
8730 stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
8731 black hat and a red neckerchief.
8732 The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian.
8733 He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
8734 dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
8735 had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
8736 One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his
8737 horse, and entered the saloon. At a table in the corner sat an ugly man,
8738 with a black hat and a red neckerchief! Slowly the cowboy stalked up to
8739 this man, his hands resting upon his guns.
8740 "Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my
8741 house and rustled my cattle?"
8742 "Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit.
8743 "You better cut that shit out!"
8745 Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
8748 The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral
8749 was because they wanted to make sure he was dead.
8752 Love comes in spurts.
8753 -- Devo, "Please Please"
8755 Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
8757 Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
8760 Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
8762 Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
8764 Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant
8765 twang of a bedspring.
8768 Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
8771 Love letters no longer they write us,
8772 To their homes they so seldom invite us.
8773 It grieves me to say,
8774 They have learned with dismay,
8775 We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
8778 Someone who picks up a female
8779 hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
8781 Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
8784 Jogging home from a vasectomy.
8787 Life support system for a cock.
8790 Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there?
8792 No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in
8793 any of the other stalls either.
8800 You got change for a ten?
8802 Man who dance in crowded ballroom
8803 dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
8805 Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
8807 Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
8808 Some say not even indecent.
8812 Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
8814 Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
8815 because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
8816 satisfaction of his death.
8819 Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would
8820 not have chosen a suit by it.
8821 -- Maurice Chevalier
8823 Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
8827 Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
8828 a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
8830 Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God
8831 is a cruel and capricious tyrant.
8834 Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
8835 But she can never catch him at it.
8837 Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
8839 Many nice things suck.
8841 Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff
8842 at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
8845 Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
8846 She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
8847 If you want to get laid,
8848 Then we'll have to tribade!"
8849 (But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
8851 Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
8854 Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out,
8856 -- Professor Irwin Corey
8858 Mary had a little lamb,
8859 It's fleece as white as snow.
8860 It followed her to school one day,
8861 And got fucked by a big black dog.
8863 Mary had a little lamb,
8864 She kept it in a bucket.
8865 And every time she let it out,
8867 Chase it around the garden.
8869 Mary had a little lamb,
8870 The lamb turned out to be a ram,
8871 Now Mary has a little lamb.
8873 Mary had a little sheep,
8874 And with the sheep she went to sleep,
8875 The sheep turned out to be a ram,
8876 And Mary had a little lamb.
8878 Mary had a little watch;
8879 She swallowed it one day.
8880 And so she took some Ex-Lax
8881 To pass the time away.
8883 But when she took the Ex-Lax
8884 The time it did not pass.
8885 So when you want to know the time,
8886 Just look up Mary's ...
8887 Uncle, he has a watch, too.
8889 Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!
8893 A self-service elevator.
8898 Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
8901 ... do it in groups.
8902 ... do it in theory.
8903 ... take it to the limit.
8905 Mathematicians do it in theory.
8907 Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
8909 Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
8910 described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play.
8911 -- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time"
8913 Mathematicians take it to the limit.
8915 May a deranged midget on a pogo stick
8916 take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
8918 May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
8920 May all the boys you fall in love with fall in love with boys themselves.
8922 May all the girls you fall in love with fall in love with girls themselves.
8924 May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
8926 May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
8928 Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
8929 opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
8931 Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
8932 nativity scene removed:
8933 "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
8934 and a virgin in the whole organization."
8936 McCoy's a seducer galore,
8937 And of virgins he has quite a score.
8938 He tells them, "My dear,
8939 You're the Final Frontier,
8940 Where man never has gone before."
8942 McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
8943 If an item is advertised as "under $50",
8944 you can bet your ass it's not $19.95.
8946 McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
8947 the passengers who were injured.
8948 "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
8949 the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you
8950 think when you saw this happen?"
8951 "I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
8954 Me father makes book on the corner,
8955 Me mother makes second hand gin,
8956 Me sister makes love for a dollar,
8957 And that's how the money rolls in!
8959 Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
8961 Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
8963 Me father sells cheap prophylactics,
8964 Me mum pokes the tips with a pin,
8965 Me sister performs the abortions,
8966 And that's how the money rolls in!
8968 Me uncle's a poor missionary,
8969 He saves fallen women from sin.
8970 He'll save you a blonde for five dollars,
8971 And that's how the money rolls in.
8973 Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot
8974 of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people
8975 are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay
8977 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
8979 Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates!
8981 Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but
8982 they jus' kept on a-comin'. Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up.
8983 And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised
8984 as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
8986 Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
8987 Afflicted with psychotic warps.
8990 And then vomit all over the corpse.
8992 Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
8993 ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
8995 (from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
8997 Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
8999 Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave
9000 'em by the curb when you're done.
9002 Men have many faults,
9004 Everything they say,
9005 And everything they do!
9011 Using both hands to masturbate.
9013 Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines
9014 also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female
9015 body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and
9016 should not be seen by the light of day.
9017 -- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different"
9019 Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it
9020 has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very
9021 closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing
9022 the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
9024 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
9025 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
9026 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
9028 ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
9029 cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
9030 billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more
9031 interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your
9032 skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells,
9033 who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice
9034 views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so
9035 much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below.
9039 A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
9041 Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
9042 the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets
9043 with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
9045 Sigmund: I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
9047 Sigmund: I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
9048 Mickey: Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was fuckin' Goofy.
9050 Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
9051 wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
9053 Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
9054 testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!
9057 Missed the train at the railway station
9058 Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
9059 Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
9060 She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
9062 Missionary Position:
9063 The missionary on top.
9065 Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
9066 How does your garden grow?
9067 With silver bells and cockle shells,
9068 And one really fucked-up petunia.
9071 Something between a mister and a mattress.
9074 Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff...
9075 in your brand new Mercedes.
9078 Where men are men and women are sheep.
9080 Moody bitch in search of...
9081 kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship.
9083 Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice,
9084 good-looking guy to dump on.
9086 Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few
9087 blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
9088 tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house.
9089 His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
9090 the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
9091 her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
9092 "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
9093 for breakfast tomorrow."
9095 "Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
9096 boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
9098 Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck.
9100 Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
9102 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
9104 Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
9106 Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
9107 Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
9108 stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
9110 Moustache rides, 50 cents.
9112 Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
9114 Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one
9115 problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him
9116 time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him
9117 that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
9118 his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
9119 couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
9120 Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
9121 had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
9122 took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
9123 That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it
9124 started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
9125 door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
9126 tonight. Now, don't you dare move."
9127 Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
9128 and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
9129 Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
9130 arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to
9132 Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
9133 chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
9135 Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
9136 Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
9137 When he's under the weather
9138 They can't get together,
9139 So others get into her box.
9141 Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasochism
9142 fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
9143 understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
9144 being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform,
9145 they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful
9146 things to them for their own good. This is so ME."
9147 -- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
9148 "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
9149 of AIDS, book reveals"
9151 My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
9153 -- William Allen White
9155 My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
9156 with his head stuck up his ass.
9158 "My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would
9159 think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying,
9160 "My mother, drunk or sober."
9163 My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him
9164 in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
9165 Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
9168 My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
9169 family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
9170 -- Alexandre Dumas, pere
9172 My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
9174 My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
9175 -- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
9177 My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
9181 My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
9182 I simply can't fuck any more;
9183 I'm covered with sweat,
9184 And you haven't come yet,
9185 And my God, it's a quarter to four!
9186 -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
9188 My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
9189 -- Rodney Dangerfield
9191 My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
9194 My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife
9195 came home early from work and found us in bed together.
9198 My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret
9199 vice, or self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without
9200 quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
9201 paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?
9202 -- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine
9203 Publishing Company, 1895. Dr. Kellogg helped invent
9204 corn flakes and peanut butter. In addition to denouncing
9205 masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and
9206 that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a
9207 cannonball on the stomach.
9209 My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I
9210 want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want
9211 to screw again as long as I live.
9214 My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
9216 My travel agent's an Oxford chap
9217 Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
9218 I asked him about the Isle of Man
9219 For a journey of about six weeks.
9220 And this is what he said to me
9221 As he looked me right in the eye,
9222 "For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
9223 Of Elephant Shit On Rye."
9225 A brand-new store just opened its door
9226 At the corner of 5th and Vine
9227 And I happened to be standing right outside
9228 When they turned on their neon sign.
9229 I heard a strange sound, I looked around,
9230 And that's when I almost died,
9231 They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
9232 To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
9234 "My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
9235 I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava.
9236 The ship was all white
9237 But it creaked in the night,
9238 And the band, they did not know la java."
9241 My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967.
9242 She's up to three packs a day.
9243 -- Rodney Dangerfield
9245 My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating.
9248 Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire
9249 naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
9250 sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
9253 Naked couple in bed, woman says to man:
9254 "When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."
9256 Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron...
9257 seems he's making it hard for everyone but her.
9259 National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
9262 A place to stash your gum on the way down.
9264 Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
9265 Watch who you sleep with.
9274 Dropping in for a cold one.
9276 Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
9277 Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
9279 Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
9281 Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
9284 "Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?"
9285 "Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
9287 Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
9289 New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
9291 New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
9292 it's the asshole of the universe.
9293 -- Jonathan Michael Smith
9296 Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
9299 Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer.
9300 You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
9301 and weekends. I'm sorry.
9303 I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker.
9305 Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow
9309 Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally
9310 predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest
9311 of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world.
9312 Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from
9313 expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out
9314 to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive
9315 than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five,
9316 living in Stenton, North Dakota.
9318 Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.
9319 Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
9320 -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
9322 Nice computers don't go down.
9324 Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
9326 Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman:
9327 1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat
9328 so the lid won't stay up.
9329 2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
9330 3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
9331 4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
9332 5: Tacos will never contest a divorce,
9333 demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
9334 6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover,
9335 or speculate about your next one.
9336 7: A taco will never make a scene because
9337 there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
9338 8: It's easy to drop a taco.
9339 9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
9341 Ninety percent of everything is crap.
9342 -- Theodore Sturgeon
9344 No matter how clever the hardware boys
9345 are, the software boys piss it away.
9347 No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".
9350 No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
9351 she will or will not be a mother.
9352 -- Margaret H. Sanger
9354 Non Illegitemus Carborundum.
9355 [Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
9357 Not everyone has a one-track mind.
9358 -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
9360 "Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
9364 A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
9366 Nothing is better than Sex.
9367 Masturbation is better than nothing.
9368 Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
9370 Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient
9371 tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed
9372 Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?" What
9373 can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out
9374 of hand, you know... We killed him because he didn't want to become
9375 a doctor, that's why we killed him.
9378 Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
9379 Who said with a wink and a smile,
9380 "Sure, please stick it in,
9381 Be it thick be it thin,
9382 But if's rough I won't do as a file."
9384 Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-
9385 bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers
9386 have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
9387 of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
9388 "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man,
9389 "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved
9390 by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments,
9391 you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
9392 promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
9395 Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
9396 Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
9397 Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
9398 What would they do if I made no landfall?"
9399 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
9401 Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
9403 Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
9404 occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up
9405 with this in response to one...
9407 Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
9408 When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was
9409 bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't
9410 meet either of my standards. But if it makes you feel more
9411 comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this
9412 morning and screwed the daylights out of me.
9423 Nybble me... Byte me... Unsigned long int me...
9425 Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.
9428 Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
9429 their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
9430 because it's obscene.
9432 Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers.
9434 Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
9437 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It
9438 is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the
9439 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
9440 they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
9441 principal industries of the Orient.
9442 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9445 A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
9446 man -- who has no gills.
9448 Oden the bardling averred
9449 His muse was the bum of a bird,
9450 And his Lesbian wife
9451 Would finger his fife
9452 While Fisherwood waited as third.
9454 Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
9455 exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London is the
9456 author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
9457 "A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy
9458 Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to
9459 an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save
9460 himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:
9462 "Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate
9463 ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding
9464 -- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
9465 spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
9466 There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
9467 sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon."
9469 Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
9470 The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
9472 Of his face she thought not very much,
9473 But then, at the very first touch,
9474 Her attitude shifted --
9475 He was terribly gifted
9476 At frigging and fucking and such.
9478 Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
9480 Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
9481 Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
9482 Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
9483 And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
9485 Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
9486 That got run over with my mower.
9487 One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
9488 The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
9489 It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
9490 It landed by the kitchen door.
9491 Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
9492 that ain't gonna walk no more...
9493 -- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover.
9495 Oh John, let's not park here.
9496 Oh John, let's not park.
9502 Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
9503 Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
9504 The poor wench doth stammer,
9505 "I need a sledgehammer
9506 To pound a man into my vent."
9508 Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
9509 He tried to make love to a puma.
9510 Seems the puma, in play,
9511 Tore his testes away -
9512 - An example of animal huma.
9514 Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
9517 OLD FELLA RED CLARET
9518 Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er"
9520 An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old
9521 and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to
9522 prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the
9523 slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings.
9524 Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste
9525 buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings
9526 with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads
9527 gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
9528 In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people
9529 who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK").
9531 It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973
9533 Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts.
9534 Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new.
9537 Was a merry old soul,
9538 A merry old soul was he!
9539 He called for his pipe,
9540 And he called for his bowl,
9541 And he fiddled with his call girls three!
9543 Old McDonald had a farm,
9545 And on this farm he had some chicks,
9547 With a chick-chick here,
9548 And a chick-chick there,
9551 Everywhere a chick-chick,
9552 Old McDonald lost his farm
9553 'Cause he had too many chicks!
9555 Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup.
9557 Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,
9558 She had so many children,
9559 She didn't know what to do.
9560 So she moved to Atlanta.
9563 Went to the cupboard,
9564 To get her poor doggie a bone.
9566 But when she stooped over,
9567 Old Rover, he drove her.
9568 You see, he had a bone of his own.
9571 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
9573 On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
9574 Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
9577 Whatever or whoever lays her.
9579 On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
9580 The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
9581 "Aha!" said the mate,
9582 "That settles the fate
9583 Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
9585 On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
9586 herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
9587 The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
9588 went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find
9589 a man making love to the corpse.
9590 "Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
9591 that woman is dead!"
9592 "Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
9593 "I thought she was an American!"
9596 Russian: Uplifts the masses.
9597 Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
9598 American: Makes mountains out of molehills.
9600 On day a Monterey daughter
9601 Did scuba down under the water.
9604 And they say t'was an otter that gotter.
9606 On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
9607 Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
9608 on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was
9610 Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is."
9611 Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money."
9612 Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!"
9613 Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor."
9614 At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his
9615 bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he
9616 says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits'
9617 chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell
9618 me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
9619 Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the
9620 money is right now, he will kill you here."
9621 Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden
9622 under the big tree at the pass!"
9623 Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..."
9625 On the breast of a lady named Gail,
9626 Was tattooed the price of her tail.
9628 For the sake of the blind,
9629 Was the same information -- in Braille.
9631 On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
9632 His girl got a yen for fellatio.
9633 As she sucked on his dingus
9634 He tried cunnilingus
9635 But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
9637 Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to
9638 eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me
9639 only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you
9640 better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady
9641 and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
9642 The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
9643 fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
9644 wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
9645 sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
9646 my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go
9647 to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
9648 you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
9649 at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
9650 gonna back to Italy.
9652 Once a woman has given you her heart you
9653 can never get rid of the rest of her.
9656 Once a young gay from Khartoum
9657 Took a lesbian up to his room.
9658 They argued all night
9659 Over who had the right
9660 To do what, and with which, and to whom.
9662 Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell
9663 for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
9664 as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first
9665 group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new
9666 group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They
9667 exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was
9668 very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I
9669 had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them.
9670 Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all.
9671 That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group
9672 and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and
9673 all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel
9677 Once upon a girl there was a time...
9679 Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
9680 two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
9681 observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came
9682 running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
9684 The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
9685 alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
9686 going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just
9687 say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
9688 Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little
9689 while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
9690 came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
9691 The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
9692 know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
9693 Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
9695 Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
9696 made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer
9697 wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
9698 "This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
9699 and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
9700 bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
9701 his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
9702 It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
9703 began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
9704 rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
9705 however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
9706 morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
9707 the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
9708 enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
9709 shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
9710 you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
9711 toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
9712 the birds above. "I think they're coming down."
9714 Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One
9715 fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
9716 cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When
9717 she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
9718 jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
9720 So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
9721 you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
9723 Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
9724 fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
9725 the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
9726 After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
9727 earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
9728 little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
9729 warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
9730 began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
9731 chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
9732 he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
9734 There are three morals to this story:
9736 (1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
9737 (2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
9738 (3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
9740 Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and
9741 somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
9742 on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious
9743 enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said,
9744 "Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
9745 time comes, I am going to be that one."
9746 A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
9747 knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly
9748 and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
9749 All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
9751 "Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"
9753 Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
9754 and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big
9755 coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
9756 The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
9757 sleeping in my bed!"
9758 And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
9760 Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
9761 us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the
9762 smaller prime numbers.
9765 It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
9766 3: The True Prime --
9767 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
9768 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
9769 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in
9770 case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received
9771 the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
9772 However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
9773 41: The Female Prime --
9774 The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
9775 prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
9776 43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.
9778 Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
9779 are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
9780 but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
9782 Once was a hooker named Gail,
9783 Busted and sent-off to jail,
9784 She liked the jailer,
9785 He wanted to nail her,
9786 So Gail made bail with her tail.
9788 Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke,
9789 the rest of life is that much easier.
9791 Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
9793 One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
9794 boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
9795 Finally the office boy was brought in.
9796 "I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been
9797 playing around with my secretary?"
9798 "N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything
9800 "All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
9802 One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped
9803 into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited
9804 to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile,
9805 he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was,
9806 the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car
9807 and approached the farmer.
9808 "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?"
9809 Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin'
9810 in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house
9811 that night, and mah neck was stiffer than an oak-wood board. This here's
9814 One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
9816 "Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at
9817 the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the
9818 ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're
9819 a polar bear. Why do you ask?"
9820 "Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
9822 One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
9823 anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car,
9824 he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
9825 Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
9826 threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
9827 The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
9828 Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
9829 he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating
9830 the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
9831 "Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you
9832 with my car once, remember?"
9833 "Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion. "I'll just
9834 lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
9835 in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
9836 the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
9837 "Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes
9838 to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
9840 One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
9841 the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that
9842 they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special
9843 place and reported to God what he'd noticed.
9844 God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
9845 to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
9846 will create your mate."
9847 So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
9848 asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
9849 ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering
9850 the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
9851 Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
9853 "Yes, Adam, what now?"
9854 "God, what's a headache?"
9856 One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
9857 enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
9858 eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
9860 What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over,
9861 he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
9862 "Blossom," she replied.
9863 "What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your
9864 parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
9865 "Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
9866 under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She
9867 thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
9868 name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
9869 How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and
9870 walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he
9872 "Porky," was the child's reply.
9873 Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
9874 "Because he likes to fuck pigs."
9876 One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
9877 gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said "Hi," and she
9878 said "Hi," and then I said "Nice day, isn't it," and she said "Yeah, I
9879 guess"... I said "What do you mean `you guess'?"... she said "I saw my
9880 analyst today and he says I have a problem."... so I asked "What's the
9881 problem?"... she replied "I can't tell you, I don't even know you."...
9882 I said "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
9883 stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
9884 and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane." I said,
9885 "Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein."
9888 One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
9889 tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer;
9890 to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
9891 of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer
9892 orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time,
9893 the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
9894 care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
9895 all your beer and spit it in my face?"
9896 "Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
9897 and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most
9898 beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
9900 One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police
9901 officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and
9903 The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away.
9904 The large man then asked again, but still no reply. After a few more
9905 attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man
9906 walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked,
9907 "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied,
9908 "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
9910 One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
9911 were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of
9912 nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
9913 Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
9914 passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
9915 "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
9916 be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As
9917 leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
9918 democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are
9919 following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
9920 there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The
9921 Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
9922 productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's
9923 hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
9924 there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
9926 One evening a guru had coitus
9927 With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
9928 When asked what position
9929 He used for coition,
9930 He answered serenely, "the lotus."
9932 One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need
9933 to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
9934 his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
9935 bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
9936 Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
9938 "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
9939 gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
9940 the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
9942 Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
9943 cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?"
9944 "George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
9946 One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
9947 One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
9949 One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
9951 One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
9952 and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
9953 seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
9954 another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of
9955 wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me
9956 like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
9958 One night a girl had an affair
9959 With a fellow all covered with hair.
9960 His enormous red whang
9961 Gave her a wonderful bang --
9962 She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear.
9964 One night a girl had an affair
9965 With a fellow all covered with hair.
9966 Then she picked up his hat
9968 She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
9970 One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
9971 to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
9972 "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,
9973 put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look,
9974 Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"
9975 "Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'"
9976 -- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish"
9978 One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
9979 accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable
9980 testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
9981 all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
9982 enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking,
9985 One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to
9986 compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
9988 One of the most expensive things in life
9989 is a girl who is free for the evening.
9991 One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create
9992 goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail."
9993 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
9995 One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
9996 He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the
9999 "Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late."
10000 The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played
10001 left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning.
10002 George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes
10003 late. The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he
10004 played right-handed and beat them again.
10005 "You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked.
10006 "Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..."
10007 Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might
10008 be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed
10009 *or* right-handed."
10010 "Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm
10011 superstitious. If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play
10012 right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed."
10013 "What if she's lying on her back?"
10014 George said, "That's when I'm late."
10016 One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
10017 there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
10018 Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded
10019 and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some
10020 cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of
10021 each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
10022 Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
10023 crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
10024 resources and our taxes.
10027 One should be cherry of virgins.
10029 One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has
10030 occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
10031 -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
10032 Life in the Universe"
10034 One, two, three, four
10035 What are we fighting for?
10036 Don't ask me I don't give a damn.
10037 Next stop is Vietnam.
10038 Five, six, seven, eight
10039 Open up the pearly gates.
10040 Ain't no time to wonder why
10041 Whoopie! We're all going to die.
10042 -- Country Joe and the Fish
10044 One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know
10045 his ass from a hole in the ground!
10047 Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!!
10049 Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later.
10051 Operators mount anything!
10053 Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
10054 look at the other guy's.
10058 A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
10060 ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE:
10064 The taste of things to come.
10066 O'Riordan's Theorem:
10067 Brains x Beauty = Constant.
10069 Purmal's Corollary:
10070 As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
10071 availability goes to zero.
10073 Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you
10076 Ouch mosquito, silent by night,
10077 Why pierce my skin, so white?
10078 You grow plump, as a leech.
10079 Stop! I beseech (in vein).
10082 Why waste my voice,
10083 When only a slap will do?
10085 What ho, you are smitten!
10086 Yo mosquito, fuck you.
10087 -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito"
10089 Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
10090 a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
10091 national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
10092 gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
10093 exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
10094 never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real.
10095 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
10097 Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really
10098 quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes.
10100 Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
10101 the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
10102 help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second
10103 basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
10104 but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
10105 near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
10106 with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
10107 still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
10108 to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
10109 probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
10110 considering whether there were men on base.
10111 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
10113 Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
10114 Has invented a new kind of car.
10115 With a tank full of shit
10116 There's no stopping it --
10117 For short trips, two poots take you far.
10119 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
10120 In all of the directions it can whiz;
10121 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
10122 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
10123 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
10124 How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
10125 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
10126 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
10127 -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
10129 Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
10130 "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
10131 and I will lead you to the promised land."
10132 Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
10133 your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
10134 Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
10135 the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
10137 Painters do it with even strokes.
10139 Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously
10140 mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
10142 Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to
10143 bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs.
10145 Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car.
10147 Pee-wee Recommends:
10149 When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida,
10150 the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured:
10152 + Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream
10153 + Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah
10154 + Tiger Shark, starring Raven
10157 The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
10159 People humiliating a salami!
10161 People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
10162 citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
10165 People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
10167 People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
10170 Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put
10171 on a pedestal and worship. As he grows up, of course, he will put her on
10172 a pedestal the better to view her legs.
10173 -- Barry Norman, in "The Listener"
10175 Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
10176 Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
10177 She declined and declined
10178 Till approached from behind...
10179 When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
10181 Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
10183 philadelphia flying fuck, n:
10184 Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
10185 of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
10188 [Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if
10189 you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
10190 Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.]
10192 Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
10195 Physicists do it with charm.
10197 Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
10198 he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he'll stay.
10201 Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
10203 Planned Parenthood:
10204 The emission Control Center.
10206 Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
10207 He announced as he folded with flair,
10208 "I had four of a kind,
10209 But those aces combined,
10210 Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair."
10213 Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
10214 For women, it's playing the slots.
10217 You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
10219 Politicians do it to everyone.
10221 Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
10223 'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
10224 a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
10225 hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long
10226 practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even
10227 as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing... Her husband will then value her
10228 above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful
10229 queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles
10230 are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert
10231 them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can
10232 induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist
10233 is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising
10234 that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has
10235 nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises.
10238 Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
10239 Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
10240 At her first sight of one
10241 She started to run,
10242 And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
10244 Posterity will ne'er survey
10245 A nobler grave than this;
10246 Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
10247 Stop, traveler, and piss.
10248 -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
10250 Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex.
10251 Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing.
10252 Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex.
10254 Pour guerir un acces de fievre
10255 Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
10256 Il le prit a son trou,
10257 Et fit faire un ragout
10258 Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
10261 Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
10262 Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home. "My wife and
10263 I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit
10264 it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
10265 "Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me
10266 give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
10267 all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell
10268 your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
10270 "Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
10273 "That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear
10274 you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
10276 Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
10278 Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
10280 premature ejaculation, n:
10283 premature ejaculator, n:
10286 Premenstrual Syndrome:
10287 Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time.
10289 Prince Absalom lay with his sister
10290 And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
10291 But the kid was so tight,
10292 And it was deep night --
10293 Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
10295 Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
10297 Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to
10298 the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
10299 in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
10300 picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
10301 -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash.
10303 Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
10305 Programmers get overlaid.
10308 New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
10310 Prope mare erat tubulator
10311 Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
10314 Est mihi inquit tubulator.
10316 Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
10317 still come out ahead.
10319 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
10320 Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it.
10322 Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They
10323 both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't
10324 make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks
10328 Organic dental floss.
10330 Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
10331 And frolicked in the Autumn mist,
10332 And drank Manishiewitz wine.
10333 Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
10334 And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
10335 And other kosher stuff.
10337 Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
10338 Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
10339 Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
10340 That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
10342 Q: Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
10343 A: He's the only one with a duck.
10345 Q: Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
10346 A: He's the only one who bets on the duck.
10348 Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
10351 Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
10352 A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
10354 Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
10355 A: He spent the night in a warehouse.
10357 Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm.
10358 A: Real men don't care.
10360 Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
10361 A: Give her a couple of test tickles.
10363 Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
10364 A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
10366 Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
10367 A: She has a mouthful of feathers.
10369 Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
10370 A: By the stiff upper lip.
10372 Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
10375 Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
10376 A: She answered the iron.
10378 Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
10379 A: They called back.
10381 Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
10384 Q: How do you get them back out?
10387 Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
10390 Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
10391 A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green.
10393 Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
10394 A: No -- so it must work pretty well!
10396 Q: How did Tarzan die?
10397 A: Picking cherries!!!
10399 Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?
10400 A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
10402 Q: How do you know your elephant had her period?
10403 A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
10405 Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
10406 A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
10408 Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street?
10409 A: Kick it over to Van Ness.
10411 Q: How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in
10413 A: Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing.
10415 Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
10416 or an airline stewardess?
10417 A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
10418 A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over
10419 and over again until we get it right."
10420 An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and
10421 nose and breathe normally."
10423 ... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
10424 ... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!"
10425 ... and WASPs say "Do you have that in a bigger size?"
10426 ... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!"
10428 Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
10429 A: When his cock tastes like shit.
10431 Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
10434 Q: How does a mink get babies?
10435 A: The same way babies get minks.
10437 Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
10438 A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
10439 speech, but under the United States constitution they are
10440 guaranteed freedom after speech.
10441 -- being told in Poland, 1987
10443 Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
10444 A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
10446 Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
10447 A: Three, but they're really only one.
10449 Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10450 A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
10452 Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
10453 A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!
10455 Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
10456 does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10457 A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
10458 advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
10459 can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the
10460 credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
10462 Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10463 A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was
10466 Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess,
10467 what would Cheetah have been?
10470 Q: What can you use used tampons for?
10471 A: Tea bags for vampires.
10473 Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
10474 A: Play dumb until the second coming.
10476 Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas?
10479 Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
10480 A: They both like a tight seal.
10482 Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons?
10483 A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases
10484 of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.
10486 Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
10487 A: Sheep don't have strings.
10489 Q: What do two WASPs say after making love?
10490 A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again.
10492 Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian?
10495 Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
10498 Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
10501 Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet
10506 Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
10509 Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
10510 A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
10512 Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
10513 A: A computer that won't go down.
10515 Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?
10516 A: Your last blowjob.
10518 Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
10519 A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
10521 Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
10522 A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
10523 once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
10526 Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a
10527 moth ball in the other hand?
10528 A: One hell of a big moth!
10530 Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
10531 A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
10533 Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
10534 A: Will the defendant please rise?
10536 Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
10537 A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
10538 Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take
10539 the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
10542 Click. "Did I get it?"
10543 Click. "Did I get it?"
10544 Click. "Did I get it?"
10545 Click. "Did I get it?"
10546 A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
10548 Q: What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink?
10549 A: A frog in a blender.
10551 Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
10552 A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak.
10554 Q: What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink?
10555 A: Baby in a blender.
10557 Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
10558 A: So you can watch the expression on its little face.
10560 Q: What is green and comes in Brownies?
10563 Q: What is Smoorplay?
10564 A: What Smurfs do before they smuck!
10566 Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
10569 Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
10570 A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
10572 Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
10573 A: Dating a Canadian.
10575 Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
10577 A: A nun with a javelin through her head.
10579 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
10582 Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb?
10585 Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
10588 Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
10591 Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
10592 A: The guy that gave it to him.
10594 Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS?
10595 A: The guy he got it from.
10597 Q: What's red and covered with little dents?
10598 A: Snow White's cherry.
10600 Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
10601 A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
10603 Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
10606 Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
10607 very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
10608 A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
10610 Q: What is a compact city?
10611 A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
10615 Q: What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman
10616 pinscher humping your leg?
10617 A: You let the doberman finish.
10619 Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
10620 A: About four drinks.
10622 Q: What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story?
10623 A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
10624 War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened".
10626 [I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
10627 office a little late, tonight... Ed.]
10629 Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
10630 A: About 10 pounds.
10632 Q: How do you make them the same?
10633 A: Force feed the elephant.
10635 Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
10636 A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
10638 Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
10639 A: The weekend never comes too soon.
10641 Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
10642 A: Not everyone's been in a fast car.
10644 Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
10645 A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use
10648 Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon
10650 A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
10653 Q: What's the difference between hard and dark?
10654 A: It stays dark all night.
10656 Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
10657 A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
10658 like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
10659 "and some cigarettes."
10661 Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
10662 he hits your windshield?
10665 Q: What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
10666 mind when he hits your windshield?
10669 Q: What's white and crawls up your leg?
10670 A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
10672 Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
10673 A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
10675 Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
10676 A: To the batpoles, Robin!
10678 Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
10679 A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
10681 Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
10682 A: They're just pussy substitutes!
10684 Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
10685 A: Because she's dead.
10687 Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
10688 A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
10690 Q: Why did God invent booze?
10691 A: So ugly men could get laid too.
10693 Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
10694 A: She'd never been taught to say no.
10696 Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
10697 A: To impress Jodie Foster.
10699 Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
10700 Jo Kopechne drowned?
10701 A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
10703 Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts?
10704 A: Because they can.
10706 Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
10707 A: To stamp out forest fires.
10709 Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
10710 A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
10712 Q: Why do men die before their wives?
10715 Q: Why do men marry women?
10716 A: You can't teach sheep to do housework.
10718 Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
10719 A: Very few of them know how to dance!
10721 Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
10722 A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
10723 -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger
10725 Q: Why do WASPs play golf?
10726 A: So they can dress like pimps.
10728 Q: Why do women have vaginas?
10729 A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
10731 Q: Why do women love Pacman?
10732 A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
10734 Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
10735 A: Because 8 inches isn't enough.
10737 Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
10738 A: It scares the dogs!
10740 Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground?
10741 A: The leash goes slack.
10743 Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
10744 A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
10746 Q: Why is Poland just like the United States?
10747 A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
10748 Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
10749 you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
10750 -- being told in Poland, 1987
10752 Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is?
10753 A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and
10756 Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
10757 A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
10758 Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!"
10760 Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
10762 A1: PMS is only a problem for some people.
10763 A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
10764 A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
10765 A4: People with PMS get sympathy.
10766 A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
10768 Q: How do you play religious roulette?
10769 A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
10770 by lightning first.
10772 Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your
10774 A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
10776 Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
10777 or an airline stewardess?
10778 A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says:
10779 "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
10780 right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your
10781 mouth and nose, and breath normally."
10783 Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
10784 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
10787 Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
10788 A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
10790 Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
10791 A: As much as he wants.
10793 Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
10797 Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
10798 A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
10800 Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
10801 A: A rebel without a clue.
10803 Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?
10804 A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
10806 Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
10807 A: A cheese grater.
10809 Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
10810 A: Two hours of begging.
10812 Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
10813 A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
10815 Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
10818 Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
10819 A: So she can moan with the other!
10821 Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
10822 A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
10824 Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
10827 Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
10830 Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
10831 A: About three inches.
10833 Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
10834 A: He couldn't help it.
10836 Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
10837 A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
10839 Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
10840 A: 'Cause they can!
10842 (Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...)
10844 Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
10845 A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
10847 Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
10848 A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!!
10851 "... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
10852 Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
10853 and throwing little pickles at you? ... Why am I the only one
10854 who has that dream?"
10857 "Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"
10860 "Do you smell something burning or is it me?"
10864 "Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."
10867 "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different
10871 "He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."
10874 "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut."
10877 I get girls because of who I am... a rapist.
10880 I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday. She had a firm
10881 grip. He's a lucky man.
10884 "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
10887 I own my own body, but I share.
10890 "I say, and without apology, hang the bitch."
10893 "I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every
10897 "I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."
10900 I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
10901 a pair of velcro gloves.
10904 "I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of
10905 the guy who screwed her last."
10908 "I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in
10912 It *was* wonderfully polite of me. Usually I call the kind of
10913 cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.''
10917 "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten
10921 "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
10924 Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're
10925 going to put that thing *where*?"
10928 My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
10929 you stick those little prongs into it.
10930 -- Mark-Jason Dominus
10933 No, honey, I've never been circumsized; it's simply wear and tear.
10936 "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay
10937 and lesbian has lavender skin. On that morning, I will be -- mauve."
10940 Sex is like everything else. To get it done right, do it yourself.
10943 She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
10944 Ouch! Ow! My paw! Ouch!!
10947 "She was so tough she rolled her own tampons."
10950 Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work
10951 and the others are more than willing to watch them.
10954 "The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark
10958 "The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for
10962 "The only real difference between men and women is that men are
10963 crabby all month long."
10966 "Well, let's say she's friendly. Last year she was the Herpes
10970 "What would the world be like without men? A lot of fat,
10974 "When she hauled ass, it took three trips."
10977 "Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer! Take a look at that purty young lady
10978 over thar! Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken
10979 glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!"
10982 "Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me.
10983 Then get the fuck out."
10986 "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
10988 Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
10989 exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
10990 devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
10991 from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
10992 Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
10993 weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
10994 reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
10995 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
11001 No sooner spread than done.
11003 Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and an awful tight pussy.
11004 Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!!
11007 A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
11008 for farting at a friend.
11009 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
11012 Raquel Welch: 36-24-36
11014 Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36
11015 Bette Middler: 37-25-36
11016 Marilyn Monroe: 37-24-37
11017 Jane Russell: 39-27-38
11018 Jayne Mansfield: 40-23-37
11019 Sophia Loren: 37-25-36
11021 Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number
11022 of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her.
11024 Reach out and fuck someone.
11027 Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun?
11029 Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
11030 usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If
11031 a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
11032 possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much
11033 of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First,
11034 driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
11035 it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than
11036 puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be
11037 avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire,
11038 and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness.
11039 Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires
11040 more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver
11041 through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the
11042 sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with
11043 holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will
11044 do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the
11045 urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad
11046 (i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But
11047 you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again.
11049 Reagan can't _
\ba_
\bc_
\bt, either.
11052 Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back
11056 When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me."
11058 Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol.
11061 A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
11064 When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
11066 Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks.
11068 Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
11071 Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime,
11072 champagne is the best tenderizer.
11074 Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
11075 sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
11076 changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
11077 grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
11078 liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
11082 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
11083 country. The remainder is thrown out.
11085 Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
11086 Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
11088 Democrats eat the fish they catch.
11089 Republicans hang them on the wall.
11091 Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
11092 girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
11094 Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
11095 Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
11097 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
11098 The remainder is thrown out.
11100 Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
11101 That is why there are more Democrats.
11102 -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
11104 Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
11105 any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
11107 Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head.
11108 "What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender.
11109 "Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw
11110 someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best
11111 blow job in the world!' on the wall."
11112 "Ahh, hell," said the bartender. "Don't give it a second thought,
11113 we get jerks in here like anywhere else."
11114 "I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the
11117 Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.
11118 Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
11121 When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're
11122 the worst piece of ass I've ever had!". And then try to stay on
11123 for seven seconds...
11125 Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
11127 Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun,
11128 With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done.
11129 The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day,
11130 So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray.
11131 Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war,
11132 With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore.
11133 Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees,
11134 They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese.
11135 Roland the Thompson gunner...
11136 His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest,
11137 But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best.
11138 So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead,
11139 That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head.
11140 Roland the headless Thompson gunner...
11141 Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in.
11142 He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin,
11143 Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word,
11144 But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg.
11145 The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night,
11146 Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight.
11147 In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,
11148 Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.
11149 -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"
11151 Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
11153 Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.
11154 "And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
11155 "I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers,"
11158 "Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave."
11160 Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
11162 Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
11165 A sport requiring leather balls.
11167 Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered
11168 two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool.
11170 Runners do it alone.
11172 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11174 (1) The greatest threat to the human spirit is liberalism.
11176 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11178 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11180 (10) Liberalism poisons the soul.
11182 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11184 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11186 (11) Neither the United States, nor anyone else, "imposes" freedom on
11187 the people of other nations. Freedom is not an imposition.
11189 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11191 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11193 (12) Freedom is God-given.
11195 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11197 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11199 (13) To dictatorships, peace means the absence of opposition.
11201 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11203 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11205 (14) To free people, peace means the absence of threat.
11207 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11209 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11211 (15) The Peace Movement in the United States was, whether by accident or
11212 design, pro-communist.
11214 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11216 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11218 (16) The collective knowledge and wisdom of seasoned citizens is the
11219 most valuable, yet untapped, resource our young people have.
11221 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11223 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11225 (17) The greatest football team in the history of civilization was the
11226 Pittsburgh Steelers of 1975 through 1980.
11228 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11230 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11232 (18) There is no such thing as "war atrocities." War is an atrocity.
11234 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11236 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11238 (19) Regardless of the pain in our memories, nostalgia only reminds us
11239 of the good times in our past.
11241 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11243 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11245 (2) The single greatest threat to the free people of the world is posed
11246 by the heinous idea of centralized government control.
11248 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11250 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11252 (20) There is a God.
11254 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11256 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11258 (21) Abortion is wrong.
11260 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11262 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11264 (22) Morality is not defined by individual choice.
11266 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11268 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11270 (23) Evolution cannot explain creation.
11272 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11274 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11276 (24) Feminism was established so that unattractive women could have
11277 easier access to the mainstream of society.
11279 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11281 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11283 (25) Love is the only human emotion which cannot be controlled. You
11284 either do or you don't. You can't fake it. (Except women, and
11285 thank God they can.)
11287 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11289 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11291 (26) The only difference between Mikhail Gorbachev and previous Soviet
11292 leaders is that he is alive.
11294 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11296 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11298 (27) Soviet leaders were actually left-wing dictators.
11300 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11302 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11304 (28) Abraham Lincoln saved this nation.
11306 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11308 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11310 (29) The Los Angeles Raiders will never be the team they were when they
11311 called Oakland home.
11313 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11315 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11317 (3) Peace does not mean the elimination of nuclear weapons.
11319 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11321 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11323 (30) The United States will again go to war.
11325 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11327 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11329 (31) To more and more American intellectuals, a victorious United States
11330 is a sinful United States.
11332 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11334 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11336 (32) The fact that American intellectuals rue a victorious United States
11337 is frightening and ominous.
11339 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11341 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11343 (33) There will always be poor people.
11345 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11347 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11349 (34) The fact that there will always be poor people is not the fault of
11352 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11354 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11356 (35) Rather than feel guilty as some do, you should thank God for making
11359 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11361 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11363 (4) Peace does not mean the absence of war.
11365 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11367 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11369 (5) War is not obsolete.
11371 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11373 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11375 (6) Ours is a world governed by the aggressive use of force.
11377 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11379 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11381 (7) There is only one way to eliminate nuclear weapons. Use them.
11383 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11385 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11387 (8) Peace cannot be achieved merely by developing an "understanding"
11390 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11392 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11394 (9) Americans opposing America is not always sacred nor courageous ...
11395 it is sometimes dangerous.
11397 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11399 Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
11400 "The men like to spread my two legs,
11401 Then slip in between,
11402 If you know what I mean,
11403 And leave me the white of their eggs."
11405 Said a decadent wench of Bombay:
11406 "This has been a most wonderful day.
11407 Three cherry tarts,
11408 At least twenty farts,
11409 Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
11411 Said a girl who upon her divan
11412 Was attacked by a virile young man:
11413 "Such excess of passion
11414 Is quite out of fashion"
11415 And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
11418 Said a happy young man of Fort Drum:
11419 "What care I for this shortage of gum?
11421 Is a condom or two,
11422 With a goodly amount of fresh come."
11424 Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
11425 "My favorite sport is coitus."
11426 But a fullback from State
11427 Made her period late,
11428 And now she has athlete's fetus.
11430 Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
11431 When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
11432 "You must seize it, and squeeze it,
11433 And tease it, and please it,
11434 For Rome wasn't built in a day."
11436 Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
11437 Of all the girls that I've had,
11438 None gave me the thrill
11439 Of real rapture until
11440 I learned how to be a tribade."
11442 Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
11443 To a sailor just off of a barge,
11444 "We have one girl that's dead,
11445 With a hole in her head--
11446 Of course there's a slight extra charge."
11448 Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
11449 I'm simply too shy and afraid
11450 To take part in your pranks.
11451 But to show you my thanks,
11452 I'd just love to become your first aide.
11454 Said a pornographistic young poet
11455 "Although I perhaps do not show it,
11457 Is wearing quite thin,
11458 And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
11460 Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
11461 Whose virtue was largely a myth,
11462 "Try as hard as I can,
11464 That it's fun to be virtuous with."
11466 Said crew girl Angelica Bauer:
11467 "The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
11469 At night that's not so--
11470 He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
11472 Said Einstein, "I have an equation
11473 Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
11474 Let _
\bV be virginity
11475 Approaching infinity;
11476 Let _
\bP be a constant persuasion;
11478 "Let _
\bV over _
\bP be inverted
11479 With the square root of _
\bM_
\bu inserted
11480 _
\bN times into _
\bV ...
11481 The result, Q.E.D.,
11482 Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
11484 Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
11485 Is leading me straight to perdition;
11486 But I haven't the strength
11487 To go to the length
11488 Of making an act of contrition."
11491 Said President Jobcock one day:
11492 "War's better than love, I should say.
11493 Instead of a virgin,
11494 It's murder I'm urgin'--
11495 You get lots more blood that-a-way."
11497 Said sneering Mohammed el-Din:
11498 "Only infidel dogs put it in.
11499 Back home in Arabia
11500 We nibble the labia
11501 Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
11503 Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
11504 In a cunt halfway up to his ears:
11505 "This nautch is delicious,
11506 And without doubt nutritious.
11507 She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
11509 Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
11510 "Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
11511 I replied with some wit,
11512 "Do you belch when you shit?"
11513 I think that was one up for me.
11515 Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
11516 "This must be our final adieu,
11517 For the vicar is slicker,
11518 And thicker, and quicker,
11519 And two inches longer than you."
11521 Saint Peteer was once heard to boast
11522 That he'd had all the heavenly host:
11523 The Father and Son,
11524 And then - just for fun -
11525 The hole in the Holy Ghost.
11527 Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
11528 immensely profitable years in the construction business.
11529 "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
11530 constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
11531 am I known as Sam the Builder? No.
11532 And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
11533 dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
11534 Sam the Philanthropist? No sir!
11535 But suck one little cock..."
11538 A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces
11541 San Francisco is my kind of city,
11542 Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
11544 Save a forest -- eat a beaver!
11546 Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
11548 Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
11550 Save the whales. Club a seal instead.
11552 Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
11553 "I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
11554 To a muffer's delight,
11555 I'll take head on a flight,
11556 So the guy can have pie in the sky."
11558 "Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided
11559 her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
11561 Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the
11562 ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.
11565 SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
11566 If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
11567 this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
11569 Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
11571 Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing
11572 the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.
11573 "What are you here for?" he asks.
11574 "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
11575 and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it,
11576 but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
11577 "Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?"
11578 "Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
11579 to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
11580 "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathized the first dog.
11581 Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
11582 "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
11583 "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
11584 "Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!"
11585 "OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so
11586 I was feeling, you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen
11587 wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't
11588 resist it!" admitted the dog.
11589 "Oh! So you're here for the operation too!"
11590 "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
11592 Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three
11593 were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with
11594 the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
11595 again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I
11596 know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign,
11597 so they too will know that I understand Your laws."
11598 It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his
11599 plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once
11600 and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other
11601 three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days.
11602 So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am
11603 right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign."
11604 This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form
11605 one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from
11606 the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted
11607 the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not
11608 be explained by natural causes.
11609 The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when
11610 just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and
11611 a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
11612 The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips
11613 and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!"
11615 Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously
11616 pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's
11617 a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks
11618 her what that means.
11619 "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
11621 "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse."
11623 "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
11624 then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."
11625 "Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!"
11627 Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and
11628 asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job
11629 imaginable. Not horny, just homesick.
11631 Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil
11632 he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments
11633 cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and
11634 more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please
11635 believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you.
11636 Could we maybe talk?"
11637 The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up,
11638 the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man
11639 starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize,
11640 I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes
11641 there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?"
11642 Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun
11643 in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy,
11644 much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if
11645 she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again
11646 and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would
11647 have to be the "back door".
11648 As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt;
11649 panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying
11650 you on the bus yesterday.
11651 Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm
11652 actually the bus driver."
11654 Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their
11655 symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits
11656 production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of
11657 security while they're being screwed.
11659 Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.
11660 -- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855
11663 From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
11665 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
11666 The shit has hit the fan.
11669 Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.
11670 -- Grover Cleveland, 1905
11672 Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed
11673 in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen
11674 Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have
11677 Sex and drugs and UNIX.
11679 Sex and mathematics have one thing in common.
11680 You can do each while thinking about the other.
11682 Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
11685 Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment.
11687 Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
11689 Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
11696 Sex is just one damp thing after another.
11698 Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
11701 Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
11703 Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
11705 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
11707 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
11711 Sex is the poor man's opera.
11712 -- George Bernard Shaw
11714 Sex is what women have and men want.
11716 Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate.
11718 SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!!
11721 Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
11722 temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at
11723 the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue functionaries, and there's
11726 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a
11728 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
11729 The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out,
11730 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
11731 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries,
11732 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
11733 The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
11734 "Look who thinks he's nobody!"
11735 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
11737 Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
11738 Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
11739 Let your pal be your guide.
11740 And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
11741 or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
11742 'cause it digs up your hat,
11743 or has sex with your cat,
11744 sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
11745 and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
11746 Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
11747 We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
11749 She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass
11750 If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You
11751 I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave
11752 It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley
11753 If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart
11754 If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again
11755 I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave
11756 It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul
11757 My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him
11758 Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load
11759 I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You
11760 -- proposed Country-Western song titles
11762 She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had
11763 you any other way."
11765 She begged and she pleaded for more.
11766 I said, "We've already had four,
11767 And I'm sure that you've heard,
11768 Though it's somewhat absurd,
11769 That eros spelt backwards is sore."
11771 She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
11774 She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
11775 candidates for president.
11776 -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
11777 Elizabeth Gould Davis
11779 She made a thing of soft leather,
11780 And topped off the end with a feather.
11781 When she poked it inside her
11782 She took off like a glider,
11783 And gave up her lover forever.
11785 She never liked zippers, she said,
11786 Until she opened one in bed.
11788 She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
11789 And begged for a bang: goodness knows
11791 And I sizzled to scrure,
11792 But the push had gone out of my hose.
11794 She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
11796 She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
11797 When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
11798 Now she's lying in the grass,
11799 With the muffler up her ass,
11800 And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
11803 a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
11804 a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
11805 a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
11806 a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still.
11807 a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash.
11808 a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
11809 a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
11811 She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
11812 Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
11813 But she knew, just before
11814 She opened the door,
11815 This same Mr. had kr. sr.
11817 She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
11818 Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and
11819 unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
11820 and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
11821 her on the top step.
11822 "How dare you?" she demanded.
11823 "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
11824 second time I thought we'd become good friends."
11826 She wasn't what one could call pretty
11827 And other girls offered her pity,
11829 That her Wasserman test
11830 Involved half the men in the city.
11832 She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
11834 She's looking for: He's looking for: Foreplay:
11835 1957 Someone who'll go Her: Finding a place to put
11836 Mr. Nice Guy all the way her gum
11837 Him: Wondering which word would
11838 best describe her breasts
11841 1967 Someone who's got The first ten minutes
11842 Mr. Natural rolling papers and of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
11843 will go all the way
11845 1977 Someone who'll go Testing the batteries
11846 Mr. Goodbar all the way in leg
11847 warmers and a leather
11850 1987 Someone who's never Examination of the genitalia
11851 Mr. Clean gone all the way in under the magnifying glass
11852 San Francisco that Grandma used for needle-
11853 point before she passed away
11854 -- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987
11856 She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
11860 Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
11861 totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you
11862 know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE
11863 says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know?
11864 He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed
11865 with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home
11866 to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime!
11868 Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
11870 Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
11871 I'm agog with excitement today!
11872 And the reason of course,
11874 Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
11876 Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love
11877 together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms
11878 to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
11879 isn't weightbearing. See Discipline.
11882 Sighed a neat little package named Annie:
11883 "I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
11884 Plus the yen, but the men
11885 Only call now and then--
11886 Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
11888 Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
11890 Sixteen'll get you twenty.
11897 Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish.
11899 Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted?
11902 Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
11903 but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!
11905 "Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
11906 "Come on, take it out, and let's play."
11907 He pulled it on out,
11908 But she started to pout,
11909 His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
11911 So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
11912 Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
11913 Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
11914 Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
11915 And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
11916 -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
11918 So here was this fellow of Strensall
11919 Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
11921 But an interesting screw,
11922 Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
11924 So, how's your love life?
11925 Still holding your own?
11927 So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world,
11928 which one would you pick?
11930 So it's ai yi yi yi,
11931 Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky!
11932 So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
11933 And waltz me around by my willie!
11935 There once was a man from Nantucket!
11936 Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
11937 He said with a grin,
11938 As he wiped off his chin,
11939 If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
11941 So it's ai yi yi yi,
11942 Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles!
11943 So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
11944 And waltz me around by my willie!
11946 There once was a young man from Boston!
11947 Who drove around town in an Austin!
11948 There was room for his ass,
11949 And a gallon of gas,
11950 So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em!
11952 So it's ai yi yi yi,
11953 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships!
11954 So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
11955 And waltz me around by my willie!
11957 There once was a man from Racine!
11958 Who invented a screwing machine!
11959 Both concave and convex,
11960 It could please either sex,
11961 But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
11963 So it's ai yi yi yi,
11964 Your girlfriend douches with Drano!
11965 So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
11966 And waltz me around by my willie!
11968 One night a girl had an affair!
11969 With a fellow all covered with hair!
11970 His enormous red whang,
11971 Gave her a wonderful bang --
11972 She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear!
11974 So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
11975 lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation
11976 has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week
11977 and we've got no money left for food."
11978 "Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
11979 "Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
11980 You're going to have to go out and hustle."
11981 "Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?"
11982 "It's the only way," he said.
11983 Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came
11984 staggering in early the next morning.
11985 "How did you do?" asked the husband.
11986 "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
11987 "Four dollars and ten cents," he said. "Who gave you the ten cents?"
11988 "Everybody," she said.
11990 So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our
11991 standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when
11992 I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just
11993 about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's
11994 breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate
11995 shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit
11996 than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
11997 Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
12000 So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
12001 "Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two
12003 "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
12004 The salesman thought for a moment.
12005 "That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
12007 So you fucked up... you trusted us!
12010 So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive",
12011 and you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
12013 Social interaction can be fatal. Come to Irvine and live forever.
12015 Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
12016 Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
12019 Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
12022 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
12024 Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
12025 and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
12027 Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,
12028 Drank up several bottles of sherry;
12029 In the Yard around three
12030 They were shrieking with glee:
12031 "Come on out, we are burning a fairy!"
12034 Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor,
12038 Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
12039 fucked the buffalo.
12041 Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name.
12043 Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
12045 Some women are like musical glasses.
12046 To keep them in tune they must be wet.
12047 -- Samuel Coleridge
12049 Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
12052 Something better...
12054 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
12055 14 (complementary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
12057 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
12058 16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
12059 17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
12060 18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you
12062 19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
12063 20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.
12064 21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair?
12065 22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
12066 23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the
12067 coffee ... in Brazil.
12068 24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth
12070 25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
12071 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
12073 Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one." I say, "I already have
12074 a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one."
12077 Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
12080 Sooner or later, generals will own you.
12082 Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.
12088 Starkle, starkle, little twink,
12089 Who the hell you are I think
12090 I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
12091 I'm just a little slort of sheep.
12092 Tee martoonis make a guy,
12093 Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
12094 So mass the pixer and kill my fup
12095 I've all day sober to sunday up.
12097 Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
12099 Statisticians probably do it.
12101 Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
12103 Stockmayer's Theorem:
12104 If it looks easy, it's tough.
12105 If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
12107 STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN:
12111 The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's
12112 desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
12113 desperately needs it.
12116 From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
12117 organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
12119 Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
12121 Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
12124 successful cunnilingus:
12125 When you wake up the next morning with a face like a
12129 A man who can afford to raise cain.
12131 Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
12132 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
12133 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
12136 Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
12137 Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
12139 Sure banking is Biblical!
12141 How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal?
12142 Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a
12143 little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the
12144 Banks of the Jordan!
12146 Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People know that if
12147 you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
12149 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
12153 The (blew) bird of birth control.
12155 Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
12157 Take a look around you, tell me what you see,
12158 A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.
12159 If you can get close enough to look into her eyes
12160 There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides.
12161 And you're fair game,
12162 You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game,
12163 Just relax, enjoy the ride.
12164 Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool,
12165 But do it with a little class, disregard the rules.
12166 'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date.
12167 The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate.
12169 The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch.
12170 She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch.
12171 Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie,
12172 And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
12174 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
12176 Taoism: Shit Happens.
12177 Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens".
12178 Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
12179 Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
12180 Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
12181 Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it.
12182 Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
12184 Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
12185 am prepared to say "ouch!" as loud as anyone.
12189 A man who mounts animals.
12191 Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque
12192 sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
12193 it's time to spend a night in town.
12196 To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore
12197 his leather jerkin' off."
12199 tearing off a quicky:
12202 Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond!
12204 Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
12206 Television is a whore. Any man who wants her full favors can have them
12207 in five minutes with a pistol.
12208 -- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire"
12210 Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've
12211 got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
12212 If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
12214 Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked
12215 to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
12216 "My God, what happened to you?"
12217 "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
12218 on his bloodied lips.
12219 "Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But
12220 what happened? Did the customer start a fight?"
12221 "Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was
12224 Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
12225 Take two at the very most.
12226 Take three and you're under the table,
12227 Take four and you're under the host.
12233 D: none of the above.
12236 A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
12238 Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
12239 She obliges all who accost her.
12240 She welcomes the prick
12241 Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
12242 Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
12244 That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
12246 That Harvard don down at El Djim --
12247 Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
12248 With the whole harem randy,
12249 The sheik himself handy,
12250 To muss up a young camel's quim.
12252 That naughty old Sappho of Greece
12253 Said: "What I prefer to a piece
12254 Is to have my pudenda
12255 Rubbed hard by the enda
12256 The little pink nose of my niece."
12258 That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
12259 pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When
12260 he got back, he was a husky fucker.
12262 The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
12263 of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
12264 began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
12265 nine. Candles out at ten."
12267 The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
12268 Do an act in the nude on their knees.
12269 They crawl down the aisle
12270 While screwing dog-style,
12271 As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
12273 "The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
12274 at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
12277 The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
12278 home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening,
12279 when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
12280 law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly,
12281 the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my
12282 slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove
12283 my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command.
12284 Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man
12285 and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let
12286 me catch you wearing my things again."
12288 The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
12289 Fell into the water baptismal;
12290 Ere they'd gathered its plight,
12291 It had sunk out of sight,
12292 For the depth of the font was abysmal.
12295 The bedsprings next door jounce and creak:
12296 They have kept me awake for a week.
12298 Select squeaky beds
12299 To develop their fucking technique?
12301 The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
12303 The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.
12304 Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.
12307 The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that
12308 sex for money usually costs a lot less.
12311 The bishop of Alexandretta
12312 Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
12313 So he thought he'd enshrine her
12315 In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
12317 The blacksmith told me before he died,
12318 And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
12319 That no matter how he tried,
12320 His wife was never satisfied!
12322 And so he built a bloody great wheel,
12323 Harnessed to a cock of steel,
12324 Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
12325 And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.
12327 Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
12328 In and out went the cock of steel,
12329 Till at last the maiden cried,
12330 "Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"
12332 And now we come to the crucial bit --
12333 There was no way of stopping it.
12334 And she was split from hole to hole,
12335 And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
12337 The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
12338 they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
12339 "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
12340 any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
12341 "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
12342 fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
12344 The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
12345 -- Sidney J. Hurtubise
12347 The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
12348 They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
12349 there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
12350 One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
12351 to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
12352 Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
12353 "You must mean _faux_pas_."
12354 "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
12355 Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
12356 phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
12357 for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
12358 roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite
12359 a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together
12360 and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
12361 table. Remember all that, Ed?"
12363 "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
12364 the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy
12365 bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
12366 over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
12367 'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?"
12369 "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
12371 The bustard's a remarkable fowl
12372 With surely no reason to growl
12373 He escapes what would be
12375 By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
12377 The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
12379 The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
12380 from the food it produces.
12382 The country girl who became a city madam
12383 has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
12385 The cruelest of creatures' the crab
12386 With claws that can pinch you or stab,
12387 And then when you dine
12388 On crab and white wine
12389 It gets you as well with the tab.
12391 The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
12392 the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
12394 The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball
12395 is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
12397 The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
12399 The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men
12400 went down on the Titanic.
12402 The difference between like and love is the
12403 same as the difference between a spit and a swallow.
12405 The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
12406 cactus has the pricks on the outside.
12408 The difference between women and girls
12409 is as much as twenty years in some states.
12411 The Dowager Duchess of Spout
12412 Collapsed at the height of a rout;
12413 She found strength to say
12414 As they bore her away:
12415 "I should never have taken the trout."
12418 The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the
12419 text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
12421 The Enterprise crew when off work
12422 Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
12424 Is shacked up with Sulu,
12425 And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
12427 The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
12428 Have chased Spock for several years.
12429 His look of disdain
12430 Has spared them great pain,
12431 For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
12433 The fearless old bishop of Brest
12434 Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
12435 He fucked whores in the apse
12436 With chancres and claps,
12437 But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
12439 The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
12440 Came to light with its face in its belly;
12441 Her second was born
12442 With a hump and a horn,
12443 And her third was as shapeless as jelly.
12446 The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
12450 The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
12451 black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the
12452 fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered
12453 a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
12454 and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
12455 garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
12456 "What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
12457 "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
12459 "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
12460 the captain yelled.
12461 "I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied.
12463 The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell!
12464 -- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
12465 -- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
12466 -- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island.
12467 -- You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
12468 -- You have drinks with William Holden.
12469 -- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids.
12471 The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
12473 The genital area of Ann
12474 Will accommodate any size man,
12475 From the wee that cause titters
12476 To the mighty twat-splitters
12477 That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
12479 The girls that go to see a man's etchings
12480 may not know art, but they know what they like.
12482 The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured
12483 their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
12484 He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
12485 particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
12486 doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
12487 "You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
12488 marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to
12489 woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?"
12490 The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said,
12491 "I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
12492 phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that
12493 hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the
12494 woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
12495 in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
12496 The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
12497 he said. "You no tell -- I no tell."
12499 The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
12501 The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
12504 The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics.
12505 These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the
12506 results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be
12507 kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first
12508 put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well
12510 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
12512 The greatest lies of all time:
12514 (2) This won't hurt a bit.
12515 (3) The Mercedes is paid for.
12516 (4) The check is in the mail.
12517 (5) I was just going to call you.
12518 (6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
12519 (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
12520 (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
12521 (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
12522 (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
12524 The Grecians were famed for fine art,
12525 And buildings and stonework so smart.
12526 They distinguished with poise
12527 The men from the boys,
12528 And used crowbars to keep them apart.
12530 The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
12532 -- The morning after note reads:
12534 I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute
12535 I wanted to byte your ear.
12536 -- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
12537 -- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
12539 Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
12540 program and shows up an hour late.
12543 Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
12545 Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
12546 indicate a malfunction.
12548 The harder they come, the more important it is to have
12549 an extra-firm mattress.
12551 The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the
12552 outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately
12553 the beat of "Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions
12554 occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for
12555 mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics.
12556 -- John Hughes, National Lampoon
12558 The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
12560 The hope that springs eternal
12561 Springs right up your behind.
12562 -- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find"
12564 The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
12565 particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
12566 "Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
12567 was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
12568 His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what
12571 The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
12572 and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
12574 "Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
12575 was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
12576 even if it's right inside the front door."
12577 At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
12578 husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?"
12579 the consultant asked.
12580 "Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
12581 sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
12584 The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
12585 day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment,
12586 however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious, he picked up his
12587 bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
12588 had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
12589 "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
12590 the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed.
12591 An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
12592 "I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
12593 in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!"
12595 The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No
12596 Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to
12597 pull it out at the last minute.
12598 -- Not the Nine O'Clock News
12600 The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
12601 two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
12602 other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
12603 account of the wedding night's progress.
12604 "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
12605 entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
12606 honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
12607 And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
12609 The King named Oedipus Rex
12610 Who started this fuss about sex
12611 Put the world to great pains
12612 By the spots and the stains
12613 Which he made on his mother's pubex.
12615 The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
12616 To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
12617 And cried, "Oh, my dear,
12618 I am coming, I fear,
12619 But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
12621 The kings of Peru were the Incas,
12622 Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
12623 They worshipped the sun
12624 And had lots of fun,
12625 But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
12627 The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
12628 is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
12629 town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100
12630 gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
12631 majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
12632 soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
12633 has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
12634 anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws
12635 has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time
12636 resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
12637 want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
12638 said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
12639 wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
12640 Fact is, I rather like it."
12643 but you're not home;
12649 and you'll be mine...
12651 You like to think that you're immune to the stuff
12653 It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough;
12654 You know you're gonna have to face it,
12655 You're addicted to love!"
12658 The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
12659 they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
12660 That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
12661 making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
12663 "Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
12666 The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
12667 containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor
12668 were delivered in a welter of tears.
12669 "Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't
12670 see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
12671 (blubber,blubber)!"
12672 "Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
12673 "and would you care to have them mounted?"
12674 "Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends."
12676 The long-peckered Bey of Algiers
12677 Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears.
12679 This buffersome he-man
12680 Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.
12682 The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she
12683 whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you
12684 were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant
12685 exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke
12686 a certain awful recognition.
12687 -- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books"
12689 The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
12690 putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
12692 The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She
12693 is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.
12696 The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
12697 the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
12698 -- Rabbi Meir Kahane
12700 The mind is its own place, and in itself
12701 Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
12702 What matter where, if I be still the same,
12703 And what I should be, all but less than he
12704 Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
12705 We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
12706 Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
12707 Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
12708 To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
12709 Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
12710 -- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263
12712 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
12714 The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog.
12716 The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
12718 The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive
12719 jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad.
12721 The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was
12722 "Are you sure you're not a cop?"
12725 The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is
12726 that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway.
12728 The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their
12729 virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which
12730 you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to
12731 stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the
12732 man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into
12733 your eyes - or just by staring into space.
12736 The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two
12740 The moving finger having writ... gestures.
12742 The moyel who treated young Alec
12743 Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
12744 Presented the child
12745 His aim was so wild
12746 He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
12748 THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense
12749 Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
12750 jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
12751 know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set
12752 it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
12753 because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10
12754 warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
12755 your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
12756 Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
12757 Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
12758 by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
12759 Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
12760 Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
12761 We are talking about a lot of jobs.
12762 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
12765 The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
12766 their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
12767 "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
12769 Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
12770 and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a
12772 "Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
12773 "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you
12774 be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
12776 The new cinematic emporium
12777 Is not just a super-sensorium,
12778 But a highly effectual
12780 Mutual masturbatorium.
12782 The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
12783 hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor
12784 replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water
12785 pitcher. The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest
12786 returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy.
12788 1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
12789 2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
12790 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
12791 4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
12792 5. The recommended grace before meals is not,
12793 "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!"
12794 6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his
12795 Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys".
12796 7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
12797 8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred
12798 to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".
12799 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry.
12800 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a
12801 Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling
12802 Contest at St. Taffy's.
12804 The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb
12805 to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately
12806 upon arrival, he was greeted by an elderly rooster who took him behind the
12807 barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I
12808 want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the
12809 roost with my blessings."
12810 The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only
12811 a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again
12812 took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
12813 me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say,
12814 ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
12815 henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me."
12816 The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
12817 Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
12818 weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
12819 overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
12820 maintained a formidable lead.
12821 Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the
12822 dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
12823 "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy
12824 from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
12826 The nipples of Sarah Sarong
12827 When excited are twelve inches long
12828 This embarrassed her lover
12829 Who was pained to discover
12830 She expected no less of his dong
12832 The notorious Duchess of Peels
12833 Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
12834 Said she, "Would you mind? --
12835 Shove one up my behind.
12836 I am anxious to know how it feels."
12838 The office brown-noser named Bunky
12839 Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
12840 But when the chips were all down,
12841 His proboscis was brown,
12842 And there hung many strands which were gunky.
12844 The old archeologist, Throstle,
12845 Discovered a marvelous fossil.
12846 He knew from its bend
12847 And the knot on the end,
12848 T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
12850 The once was a man from Bombay
12851 Who modeled his cunts out of clay
12852 So hot was his prick
12853 That he turned them to brick
12854 And rubbed all his foreskin away.
12856 The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is
12857 that a doorknob warms up when you hold it.
12859 The only difference between your girlfriend
12860 and a barracuda is the nailpolish.
12862 The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
12865 The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is
12866 that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
12868 The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
12871 The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common
12873 -- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir"
12875 The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
12876 bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
12877 -- Edwin Edwards, Louisian governor
12879 The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to
12880 her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
12883 The only way you'll ever hear from
12884 me is if you're living in the same hell.
12887 The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the
12888 catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down,
12889 guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot.
12890 The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of
12891 her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right
12892 hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at
12893 once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette
12894 to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs
12895 of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
12897 The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
12899 The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
12900 "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?"
12901 "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
12902 "What IS your name?"
12904 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
12905 on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
12906 acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke
12907 French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
12908 the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
12909 picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
12910 ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
12911 with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After
12912 dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to
12913 several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
12914 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
12915 drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never
12916 been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
12918 The partition of Vavasour Scowles
12919 Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
12920 In a firkin; his brain
12921 Was found clogging a drain,
12922 And his toes were inside of some towels.
12925 The penis mightier than the sword.
12928 Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
12931 [Pistol-grip ears? Ed.]
12933 The pleasure is momentary,
12934 The position ridiculous,
12935 The expense damnable.
12936 -- Chesterfield, on sex
12938 The pleasure is transitory, the cost
12939 prohibitive, and the position ridiculous.
12940 -- Disraeli, on sex
12942 The plural of spouse is spice.
12945 The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman
12946 who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private
12947 secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had
12948 been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago.
12949 "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
12950 twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his
12951 private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
12952 and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the
12953 third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me
12954 into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet
12955 and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost.
12956 I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it
12957 for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten
12958 dollars. That's when he jumped out the window."
12960 The poor little doe
12961 Crawled out of the woods,
12962 Tired, bedraggled and blue.
12963 "Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
12964 I should have asked for two!"
12966 The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops
12967 for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think
12968 of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?"
12969 "Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
12970 "Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?"
12972 The prick of the engineer, Scott,
12973 Fell off from Saturnian rot.
12974 He went to the basement
12975 And made a replacement
12976 Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
12978 The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
12979 one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
12980 He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he
12981 noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and
12982 as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
12983 "Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two
12984 singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
12985 Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
12986 wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
12987 The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
12988 that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on."
12989 When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
12990 Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother,
12991 you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you.
12992 What is a blow job?"
12993 Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown."
12995 The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
12996 chance to prove it.
12998 The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
12999 Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
13000 how is Brown going to get to Washington?
13002 The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble.
13005 The quality of a blow-job is determined by the
13006 length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
13008 The randy old Bey of Algiers
13009 Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
13010 Tried a cunt for a change,
13011 And remarked: "It felt strange ...
13012 Just think what I've missed all these years!"
13014 The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
13015 in front every time you want to kiss her.
13017 The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy.
13019 The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because
13020 they can't masturbate.
13022 The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the
13023 rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work.
13025 The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
13027 The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
13028 currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very
13029 old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them
13030 are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses
13031 directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we
13032 ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they
13033 could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with
13034 the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging
13035 over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
13036 recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners
13038 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
13041 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
13042 Called a girl a most elegant creature.
13043 So she laid on her back
13044 And, exposing her crack,
13045 Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
13047 The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
13049 The rich man uses Vaseline,
13050 The poor man uses lard;
13051 The worker uses axle grease
13052 But gets it twice as hard.
13054 The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was
13055 certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
13056 "Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
13057 "There certainly is," she agreed.
13058 "Some really bright stars in the sky."
13060 "Some dew on the grass."
13061 "Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
13063 The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
13064 community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
13066 The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
13067 dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
13068 and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
13070 The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
13073 The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
13075 She bites his head off.
13076 -- From a Women's Lib Poster
13078 The sex was nice, but confusing. The whole situation kept going di-polar
13079 on Sta-Hi. One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd
13080 survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely
13081 woman to be husbanded. But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind
13082 her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
13083 toilet. Just like with any other woman for him, really.
13084 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
13086 The Shah of the Empire of Persia
13087 Lay for days in a sexual merger.
13088 When the nautch asked the Shah,
13089 "Won't you ever withdraw?"
13090 He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
13092 The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
13093 doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing
13094 the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
13095 psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
13096 felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
13097 and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he
13099 The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having
13100 supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It
13101 was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the
13102 dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
13103 just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
13105 The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
13106 At breakfast with horrid dismay,
13107 So he launched off the spoons
13108 The pits from his prunes
13109 At their heads as they neared the buffet.
13112 The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
13113 Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
13114 That when posed on her toes
13115 She elaborately shows
13116 Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
13118 The spouse of a pretty young thing
13119 Came home from the wars in the spring.
13120 He was lame but he came
13121 With his dame like a flame --
13122 A discharge is a wonderful thing.
13124 The star of that X-rated hit
13125 Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
13126 This serves as a palace
13127 For each turgid phallus--
13128 Some say that the plot is pure shit.
13130 "The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
13134 The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.
13136 The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it
13137 like that of wrestling with a fine woman.
13140 The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
13141 And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
13142 He caught a big mouse
13143 Which he loosed in the house.
13144 (Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
13146 The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly,
13147 And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway,
13148 To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting
13149 And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day.
13151 My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully
13152 With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread,
13153 I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window
13154 Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head.
13155 -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
13157 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
13158 their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
13159 the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to
13160 ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that
13161 its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do
13162 enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
13165 "The testes are cooler outside,"
13166 Said the doc to the curious bride,
13167 "For the semen must not
13168 Get too fucking hot,
13169 And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
13171 The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
13173 The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
13175 The three sexual positions during pregnancy.
13177 During the first four months: Missionary style
13178 During the second four months: Doggie style
13179 And during the last month: Coyote style
13182 You sit by the hole and howl.
13184 The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
13186 The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
13187 threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with
13188 farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved
13189 back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers
13190 jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
13191 blaze under control.
13192 The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
13193 gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
13194 driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
13195 "You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
13196 "is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
13198 The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.
13200 The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They
13201 were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
13202 off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
13203 Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
13204 he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
13205 flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
13206 He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late,
13207 called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
13209 The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
13210 great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
13211 This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
13212 The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
13213 ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
13214 "By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
13215 The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
13216 "Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
13218 The two things that you should never lend out are your car
13219 or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
13221 The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really
13222 like going to church.
13224 The United States Army:
13225 194 years of proud service,
13226 unhampered by progress.
13228 The Utah version of this joke goes:
13229 One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents'
13230 office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important
13231 that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
13232 The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
13234 The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The
13235 prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!"
13236 The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's...
13237 black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
13239 The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important
13240 shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared
13241 to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many
13242 customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat
13243 next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and
13244 coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled
13245 herself for a few moments and then snapped,
13246 "I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public."
13247 "So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch."
13249 The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing.
13251 The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a
13252 hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily
13253 accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually.
13254 "I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden
13256 "I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The
13257 youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
13258 "That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
13259 nature. The bully!"
13260 "Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
13261 "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
13262 evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
13263 Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
13265 The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the
13266 absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.
13269 The whole world is about three drinks behind.
13272 The wife of young Richard of Limerick
13273 Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
13274 Still grows in diameter
13275 Each time that you ram at her;
13276 How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
13278 The woman who lives on the moon
13279 Is still cherishing the balloon
13280 Of an earthling who'd come
13281 And given her some,
13282 But had dribbled away all too soon.
13284 The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
13285 deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
13288 The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in
13289 almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
13290 have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged
13291 down in silly puns about "standing erect".
13292 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13294 The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
13295 Is not merely reading a meter.
13298 Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
13300 The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
13302 The world is so full of a number of things,
13303 I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
13304 I'll tell you a story--
13305 It won't take me long--
13306 Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.
13308 There was an old fellow and what do you think?
13309 He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
13310 He whacked it, he hacked it,
13311 He ate it with glee-
13312 Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
13314 This charming old chap had a sister as well:
13315 She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
13316 Her cunt was so dirty
13317 It stank like a beast,
13318 And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
13320 What a wonderful family! What marvelous style!
13321 I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
13322 Their odor and diet
13323 Won't soon be forgotten,
13324 And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
13326 The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
13327 first visit home since starting college.
13328 "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
13330 "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
13331 or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
13332 "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
13333 guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
13335 The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the
13336 woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in
13337 his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis.
13338 "Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?"
13339 "Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't
13340 stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
13342 Then there was the girl who was engaged
13343 to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
13345 Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
13346 swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses.
13348 Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting
13349 for his girl's honor. It seems she wanted to keep it.
13351 Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris.
13352 After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged
13353 for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he
13354 went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on
13355 well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American
13356 dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so
13357 they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the
13358 nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous
13359 babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door.
13360 "See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got
13361 for your lousy fifty bucks."
13363 Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a
13364 brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom. They
13365 caught him when he came back for the brick.
13367 There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire.
13369 There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their
13370 contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
13371 bomb a virgin building is terrific.
13372 -- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
13374 There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred,
13375 there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great,
13376 there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted,
13377 I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate.
13379 I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted,
13380 And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good.
13381 And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed,
13382 They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood.
13384 You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs,
13385 You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground.
13386 You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for
13387 You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found.
13390 Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful,
13391 spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine.
13392 but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies,
13393 semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine.
13394 -- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
13396 There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest.
13398 There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of
13399 a bitch, you ate five of them.
13400 -- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for
13401 cannibalism in 1874.
13403 There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
13404 have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of
13405 America, with all of the military strength of America, those
13406 revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
13407 organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
13408 oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952]
13409 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
13411 There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them
13412 are having to take turns.
13415 There are some things we mustn't expose,
13416 So we hide them away in our clothes.
13417 Oh, it's shocking to stare
13418 At what's certainly there--
13419 But why this is so, heaven knows.
13421 There are three religious truths:
13422 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
13423 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
13425 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or
13426 the adult book store.
13428 There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The
13429 president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so
13430 competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little
13431 test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their
13432 desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests
13433 in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the
13434 promotion? The one with the big tits!
13436 There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
13438 There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day
13439 they notice a sapling half-way between them.
13440 One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!"
13441 "No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other.
13442 "A son of a BEECH!"
13443 "A son of a BIRCH!"
13447 The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what
13448 kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he tastes the beech and
13449 the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now, is that a son of a
13450 beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech.
13451 "You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash
13452 I've had my pecker in for a long time!"
13454 There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a
13455 woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many.
13457 There is a God, but He drinks.
13460 There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco --
13461 the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
13463 There is a young faggot named Mose
13464 Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
13465 And you'll double the joy
13466 Of this lecherous boy
13467 If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
13469 There is a young lady named Aird,
13470 Whose bottom is always kept bared.
13471 When asked why she pouts,
13472 She says "The Boy Scouts,
13473 All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
13475 There is nothing as overrated as a bad
13476 lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
13478 There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight.
13479 Boring your friends about it is the sin.
13482 There once was a couple named Kelley,
13483 Who lived their life belly to belly.
13484 Because in their haste
13485 They used Library Paste,
13486 Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
13488 There once was a feisty young terrier
13489 Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
13490 He'd yip and he'd yap,
13491 Then leap up and snap,
13492 And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
13494 There once was a freshman named Lin,
13495 Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
13496 A virgin named Joan
13497 From a bible belt home,
13498 Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
13500 There once was a hacker named Ken
13501 Who inherited truckloads of Yen
13502 So he built him some chicks
13504 And hasn't been heard from since then.
13506 There once was a lady from Exeter,
13507 So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
13508 One was even so brave
13509 As to take out and wave
13510 The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
13512 There once was a man named Eugene
13513 Who invented a screwing machine
13515 It served either sex
13516 And it played with itself in between.
13518 There once was a plumber from Leigh,
13519 Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
13520 Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
13521 I think someone's coming!"
13522 Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
13524 There once was a queen of Bulgaria
13525 Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
13526 Till a prince from Peru
13527 Who came up for a screw
13528 Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
13530 There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass
13531 And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island.
13532 Where seagulls flew over their nest.
13533 She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders.
13534 And caused her to tickle and itch.
13535 The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid.
13536 A sittin' out there on the rocks."
13537 The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses.
13538 And crowded four deep to the rail.
13539 All eager to share in this fine piece of... news.
13541 "Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers.
13542 And soon we will certainly find
13543 If mermaids are better before or be... brave
13544 My dear fellows," The captain cried out.
13545 And cursing with spleen.
13546 This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean.
13547 -- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt
13549 There once was a Scot named McAmeter
13550 With a tool of prodigious diameter.
13551 It was not the size
13552 That cause such surprise;
13553 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
13555 There was a bluestocking in Florence
13556 Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
13557 Till a Spanish grandee,
13558 Got her off with his knee,
13559 And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
13561 There was a gay countess of Bray,
13562 And you may think it odd when I say,
13563 That in spite of high station,
13564 Rank and education,
13565 She always spelled cunt with a "k".
13567 There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
13568 glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the
13569 man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it
13570 and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
13571 front page before discarding it?"
13572 The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
13573 "But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."
13574 "Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will
13575 be on the front page."
13576 -- Attributed to FDR.
13578 There was a young fellow named Bliss
13579 Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
13580 For even with Venus
13581 His recalcitrant penis
13582 Would never do better than t
13588 There was a young girl from Hong Kong
13589 Whose cervical cap was a gong.
13590 She said with a yell,
13591 As a shot rang her bell,
13592 "I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
13594 There was a young girl named Sapphire
13595 Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
13596 She said, "It's a sin,
13597 But now that it's in,
13598 Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
13600 There was a young girl of Angina
13601 Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
13602 From the love-making frock
13603 (With the proper sized cock)
13604 Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
13606 There was a young girl of Darjeeling
13607 Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
13608 There was never a sound
13610 Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
13612 There was a young lad name of Durcan
13613 Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
13614 His father said, "Durcan!
13615 Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
13616 Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'."
13618 There was a young lady from Maine
13619 Who claimed she had men on her brain.
13620 But you knew from the view,
13621 As her abdomen grew,
13622 It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
13624 There was a young lady named Clair
13625 Who possessed a magnificent pair;
13626 At least so I thought
13627 Till I saw one get caught
13628 On a thorn, and begin losing air.
13630 There was a young lady named Hall,
13631 Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
13632 The dress caught on fire
13633 And burned her entire
13634 Front page, sporting section, and all.
13636 There was a young lady named Twiss
13637 Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
13638 For it tickled her bum
13639 And caused her to come
13640 .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
13642 There was a young lady of Norway
13643 Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
13644 She said to her beau
13645 "Just look at me, Joe;
13646 I think I've discovered one more way."
13648 There was a young man from Bel-Aire
13649 Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
13650 But the banister broke,
13651 So he doubled his stroke,
13652 And finished her off in mid-air.
13654 There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the
13655 driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
13656 He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
13657 And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty
13658 discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same
13660 The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat."
13661 And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off. Now he was
13662 downright confused when another car came along. The driver was an attractive
13663 lady, and she asked the same question.
13664 He answered: "I'm a Republican."
13665 And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in."
13666 They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her
13667 skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs. Finally, he couldn't take
13668 it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out. I've only been
13669 a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!"
13671 There was a young man named Crockett
13672 Whose balls got caught in a socket.
13673 His wife was a bitch,
13674 And she threw the switch,
13675 As Crockett went off like a rocket.
13677 There was a young man of Cape Horn
13678 Who wished he had never been born,
13679 And he wouldn't have been
13680 If his father had seen
13681 That the end of the rubber was torn.
13683 There was a young man of St. John's
13684 Who wanted to bugger the swans.
13685 But the loyal hall porter
13686 Said, "Pray take my daughter!
13687 Those birds are reserved for the dons."
13689 There was a young tenor named Springer,
13690 Got his testicles caught in a wringer.
13691 He hollered in pain,
13692 As they rolled down the drain,
13693 "There goes my career as a singer!"
13695 There was a young whore from Kaloo
13696 Who filled her vagina with glue.
13697 She said with a grin,
13698 "If they pay to get in,
13699 They can pay to get out again too!"
13701 There was an old man of the port
13702 Whose prick was remarkably short.
13703 When he got into bed,
13704 The old woman said,
13705 "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
13707 There was an old pirate named Bates
13708 Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
13709 He fell on his cutlass,
13710 Which rendered him nutless
13711 And practically useless on dates.
13713 There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well,
13714 rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
13715 or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
13716 the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
13717 One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
13718 tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
13719 feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
13720 but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
13721 participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
13722 in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
13723 Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
13724 and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living
13725 room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
13726 some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
13729 There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
13730 brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
13731 follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such
13732 good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the
13733 corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the
13734 assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes
13735 and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them
13736 the following pitch.
13737 "Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand
13738 of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?"
13739 At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream
13740 in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!"
13741 The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a
13744 There was something about her I liked,
13745 but I couldn't put my finger on it.
13747 There were the Scots
13748 Who kept the Sabbath
13749 And everything else they could lay their hands on.
13750 Then there were the Welsh
13751 Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
13752 Thirdly there were the Irish
13753 Who never knew what they wanted
13754 But were willing to fight for it anyway.
13755 Lastly there were the English
13756 Who considered themselves a self-made nation
13757 Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
13759 There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me
13760 a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass?
13761 -- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends"
13763 There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
13764 treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your
13765 soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
13766 not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What
13767 limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
13768 in their own movie, let alone direct it.
13769 -- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
13771 There's a vas deferens between men and women.
13773 There's amnesia in a hangknot,
13774 And comfort in the ax,
13775 But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax.
13776 There's surcease in a gunshot,
13777 And sleep that comes from racks,
13778 But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax.
13779 You find rest on the hot squat,
13780 Or gas can give you pax,
13781 But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks.
13782 There's refuge in the church lot
13783 When you tire of facing facts,
13784 And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks.
13785 Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels,
13786 Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals --
13787 But the pleasantest place to find your end
13788 Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend.
13789 -- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road"
13791 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I
13792 really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do
13796 There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip.
13798 There's more than one way to skin a cat:
13799 Way #3 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
13800 Way #27 -- Use an electric sander.
13801 Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
13802 Way #33 -- A bicycle pump.
13804 There's more than one way to skin a cat:
13805 Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
13807 There's more than one way to skin a cat:
13808 Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
13810 There's more than one way to skin a cat:
13811 Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
13813 There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter
13814 and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
13817 There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
13820 They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
13823 They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the
13824 lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon-
13825 light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires.
13826 She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the
13827 barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her
13828 thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent
13829 she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his
13830 father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling,
13831 uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signaled her eagerness,
13832 spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and
13833 again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His
13834 mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her.
13835 "Dear God, what have I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes
13836 burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke.
13837 "Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!"
13839 This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance.
13840 Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
13841 took my Russian watch.
13842 Desk Sergeant: Come again?
13843 Czech: Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
13844 took my Russian watch.
13845 DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who
13846 would want to own a Russian watch? It was a Russian soldier who
13847 knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right?
13848 Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
13850 This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women
13851 stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
13852 looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
13853 stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
13854 desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
13855 one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
13856 decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
13857 and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
13858 steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
13859 "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
13860 From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
13861 the shit hit the fan?"
13863 This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
13864 really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
13865 him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks
13866 the patient a week later.
13867 "I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the
13868 good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
13870 This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two
13871 -- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th'
13872 other way... they stopped to talk... "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja
13873 git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight."
13874 "Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he.
13875 "Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
13876 "I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up
13877 to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all
13878 stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an'
13879 all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what?
13880 She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
13881 "Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff
13882 explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?"
13883 "Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does
13884 me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."
13886 This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:
13888 Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
13889 Teller: "Excuse me, sir?"
13890 M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
13891 T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
13892 M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
13893 T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."
13895 The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
13896 manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.
13898 Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?"
13899 M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
13900 Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
13901 that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
13902 M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
13903 open a fuckin' savings account!"
13904 Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?"
13906 This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive.
13907 "My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds
13908 himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide
13909 except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says,
13910 "Do you always jog in the nude?"
13911 "Yes ma'am!" he replies.
13912 "Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks.
13913 "Yes ma'am!" he replies.
13914 "Do you always wear a condom?"
13915 "Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains."
13917 This here's the wattle
13918 The emblem of our land
13919 You can stick it in a bottle
13920 Or you can hold it in your hand.
13923 This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He
13924 obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks
13925 and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging
13926 off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an
13927 affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging
13928 on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its
13929 tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
13930 "What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
13931 "Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
13932 "Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
13933 "Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
13935 This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
13936 actual emergency, you would have known it!
13938 This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
13940 This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
13941 "di-dah" for the filthy words:
13943 Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
13944 Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
13945 Di-dah di-dah di-dah?
13946 Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
13947 Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
13949 This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would
13950 stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night,
13951 the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be
13952 with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it
13953 off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his
13954 mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning.
13955 During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
13956 prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his
13957 prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
13958 Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
13959 weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
13960 bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
13961 news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series
13962 of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month
13963 later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't
13964 be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was
13965 going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake
13966 and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing
13967 a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying
13968 dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
13970 This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
13972 This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
13973 personnel to various situations.
13975 You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
13976 in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and
13977 egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
13978 Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
13979 bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
13983 (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
13984 (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
13985 (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
13987 This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00.
13992 Thou shalt not omit adultery.
13995 Girls get minks the same way minks get minks!
13997 Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at
13998 the local brewery. One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one
13999 of the beer vats and drowned. O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen,
14000 had to break the news to his wife.
14001 They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her
14002 poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day. Choking back her
14003 tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?"
14004 "I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take
14007 Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would
14008 be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending
14009 over in their tight pants.
14010 "Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little
14011 costumes, and think of the holds."
14012 "Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be
14013 pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper
14014 right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys
14015 rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming,
14016 `Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!"
14018 Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and
14019 a bowl of Wheaties.
14022 Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools,
14023 and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and
14024 women will take a little longer.
14027 Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains,
14028 however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except
14029 for Laurie's. Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains.
14030 So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes
14031 on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come it
14032 never rains when you have your laundry out?"
14033 "Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out
14034 my husband Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's
14035 going to be a great day. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know
14036 it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!"
14037 "Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
14038 "Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*."
14040 Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
14041 better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was
14042 going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
14043 "Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
14044 alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
14045 sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid
14047 "I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and
14048 flee," said the first girl.
14049 "I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded
14051 "Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation,
14052 but I fail to see the problem."
14054 three-bag ugly, adj:
14055 That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your
14056 head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep
14059 four-bag ugly, adj:
14060 When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by.
14062 Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner.
14063 You seriously consider the job because it gives you:
14065 1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches.
14066 2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges.
14068 4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at
14069 all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia.
14071 Tim and I a hunting went
14072 We found three damsels in a tent,
14073 As they were three, and we were two,
14074 I bucked one and Timbuktu.
14075 -- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu"
14077 To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
14079 To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs.
14081 To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and
14082 then somehow get her clothes back on her. Finally, so she will allow you
14083 to leave her, you've got to annoy her.
14084 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38"
14086 Today is gonna be one helluva week!
14089 Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
14091 "Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
14095 Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang.
14096 -- An American astronaut
14099 A pretty girl in Oklahoma.
14101 Tourist to New Yorker:
14102 "Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I
14103 just go fuck myself?"
14106 Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
14108 Tri Delts; everyone else has.
14111 Two cannibals having oral sex.
14114 Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse
14117 T-shirt of the Day:
14118 Head for the Mountains
14119 -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer
14121 Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
14122 If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
14123 -- courtesy someone else
14125 T-shirt of the Day:
14132 T-shirt of the Week:
14133 I'm not excited, I'm cold!
14135 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
14136 Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
14137 All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
14138 And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
14140 "Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
14141 The looks that melt, the claws that and through
14142 catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
14143 Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
14144 The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back.
14146 He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
14147 Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
14148 sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
14149 So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
14150 And paused to smoke some pot.
14151 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
14152 Did groove and trip out at the pad:
14153 All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
14154 And the Radcliffe undergrad.
14156 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
14157 Did groove and trip out at the pad: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son!
14158 All whimsy were the slamming chicks, The looks that mell, the claws that
14159 And the Radcliffe undergrad. catch!
14160 Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun
14161 He took his venerable staff in hand: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"
14162 Long time the cool young stuff he
14163 sought -- And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
14164 So rested he among the spree The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
14165 And paused to smoke some pot. Crept past the hippies getting balled
14166 And doffed her miniskirt.
14167 One, two! One, two! And through
14168 and through "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
14169 The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Come to my arms, my horny boy!
14170 He left her bred, sans maidenhead, O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
14171 And went galumphing back. He cackled in his joy.
14173 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
14174 Did groove and trip out at the pad:
14175 All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
14176 And the Radcliffe undergrad.
14178 Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but
14179 twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.
14182 Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time.
14183 The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other
14184 side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold
14186 The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what
14187 they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and
14189 That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him
14190 looking at his new watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks.
14191 The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top. "Whatta
14192 you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!"
14193 "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day
14194 you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta
14195 you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"
14197 Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked.
14198 "Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked.
14199 "No, old man, what about him?"
14200 "Last seen in Africa, you know."
14202 "Yes. Appalling. Ran off with a gorilla. Fallen in love."
14204 "Not Chumley. Female gorilla."
14206 Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them
14207 whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed
14209 "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward
14210 the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel
14211 and went back to where his companion was waiting.
14212 "Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife
14213 and the other's my mistress!"
14214 "I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back
14215 before reaching the green.
14216 "What's wrong?" Bill asked.
14217 "Small world, isn't it?"
14219 Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island -
14221 Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she
14222 had been doing, she committed suicide.
14224 Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
14225 had been doing, they buried her.
14227 Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
14228 had been doing, they dug her back up.
14230 Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line. One
14231 boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!"
14232 "Three times!", replies his friend. "How did you do it?"
14233 "Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the
14234 alarm clock for two hours later. When it went off we made love again.
14235 Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came
14236 to work. I feel like a bull!"
14237 His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic! I'm going to have
14238 to give it a try." So, he goes home that night and makes love to his
14239 wife. Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off
14240 to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love
14241 again. Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third
14242 time. Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late
14243 for work. He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway. When
14244 he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting.
14245 "Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've
14246 never been late before. You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!"
14247 "Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes
14248 that had me worried. Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..."
14250 Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd
14251 lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could
14253 The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you
14254 ought to get to know him a little first."
14256 Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother
14257 Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse
14258 me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?"
14259 Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget
14260 nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply
14262 The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin'
14263 your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at
14264 all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head.
14265 At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand
14266 on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!"
14268 Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from
14269 church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the
14270 nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother
14271 superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her
14272 strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not
14274 To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!"
14276 Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other
14277 that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love
14279 The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old
14280 as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and
14281 make love to your wife?"
14282 The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make
14284 "You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?"
14285 "Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home.
14286 The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself
14287 pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby
14289 Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock
14290 of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want
14291 all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it
14293 "How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?"
14295 Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital
14296 were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that
14297 went along these lines:
14298 (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'"
14299 (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'"
14300 and this continued for quite sometime.
14301 Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is
14302 'womb'" and trotted off.
14303 (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows."
14304 (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus,
14305 let alone heard one fart underwater."
14307 Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking. One of them has a
14308 hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch. The other pirate has a wooden
14309 leg. Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their
14311 "One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant
14312 vessel and were boarding her. I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with
14313 a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off. So I had this hook put
14314 on. How did you lose your leg?"
14315 "From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a
14316 terrific battle off the coast of France. And how about your eye?"
14317 "Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate.
14318 "Come on," says the second pirate. "It doesn't matter after all
14319 these years, does it?"
14320 "Oh, okay," says the first pirate. "See, it's pretty embarrassing;
14321 a seagull shit in my eye."
14322 "A seagull!? I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why
14323 you would *lose* the eye..."
14324 "But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook."
14326 Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat
14327 in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor. "Do they eat dogs in America?"
14328 one asked his companion.
14330 "Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat
14332 So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat
14333 them on a nearby park bench. One man looked inside his wax paper, then over
14334 at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?"
14336 Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that
14337 cute French horn player? What ever happened to him?"
14338 "Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but,
14339 I must admit, we've had some problems."
14340 "Problems? What's wrong?"
14341 "You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he
14342 wants to shove his fist up my ass."
14344 Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily
14345 disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young
14346 men remarked to his friend,
14347 "Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being
14348 good for a man's virility?"
14349 "Yes, why?" the friend replied.
14350 "Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a
14351 dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
14353 Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass
14354 S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress;
14355 "La vie religieuse, "The religious life
14356 C'est sale et affreuse," Is dirty and horrid,"
14357 Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass.
14360 Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a
14361 bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating.
14363 "Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
14365 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
14367 Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern".
14369 Unix programmers do it with pipes.
14371 Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting
14372 on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby. Because he'd
14373 had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow
14374 man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
14375 "I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my
14376 wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
14377 "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to
14378 muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
14380 "Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
14381 "You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you
14382 love her," sympathized the executive.
14383 "No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm
14386 Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
14387 or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
14388 noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
14389 -- Hunter S. Thompson
14392 "Don't speak to the bus driver."
14394 "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."
14396 "You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."
14398 "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"
14400 "Don't answer the driver."
14402 Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
14404 AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
14405 Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
14407 FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
14408 I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down
14409 on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
14411 SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE.
14412 I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
14414 Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
14416 AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
14417 It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to
14418 travel in the trunk of your car.
14420 FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO
14421 GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN.
14422 If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
14423 appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
14426 KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY.
14427 I will tell you the names and addresses of
14428 many American spies traveling as reporters.
14430 Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
14432 MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM.
14433 It is with greatest pleasure that I sign
14434 this confession of capital crimes.
14436 MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
14437 The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
14439 TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
14440 The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
14441 I must have the recipe.
14443 ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE
14444 DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ.
14445 Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
14446 self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
14448 USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
14449 massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and
14450 a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least
14454 User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
14455 Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
14456 upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte
14457 sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
14458 be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is
14459 looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
14460 well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files
14461 permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software
14462 is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before
14463 completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day...
14464 especially if special features and options are utilized.
14467 The box a penis comes in.
14469 vaginal lubricant, n:
14472 Vandalism On The Upswing!
14473 Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the
14474 front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred
14475 dollars in damage. In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional
14476 wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility.
14478 Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope.
14481 The gift that keeps on giving.
14483 Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
14485 Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the
14486 ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection.
14487 Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really,
14488 it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open
14489 to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never.
14490 -- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire"
14493 (I saw, I conquered, I came.)
14495 Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her
14496 back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep
14497 with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put
14498 an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force.
14499 You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with
14500 less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and
14501 you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight. Why "Viennese" we don't
14502 know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure
14507 An ugly third grader.
14509 Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life,
14510 which takes but one prick to break.
14513 VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22)
14514 Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and
14515 assholes; birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People
14516 will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the
14517 paranoid neurotic that you are. Your dentures are loose.
14519 Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
14520 divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
14521 What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge
14522 in unusual sex practices?"
14523 "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little
14526 W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe...
14527 but you sure as hell can see it from there!
14529 Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi.
14531 War is menstruation envy.
14533 Was it you that did the pushin',
14534 Left the stains upon the cushion,
14535 The footprints on the dashboard upside-down?
14536 Was it you, you little pecker,
14537 That got into my Rebecca,
14538 If you did, you'd better leave this town!
14540 Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin',
14541 Left the stains upon the cushion,
14542 Footprints on the dashboard upside-down.
14543 But since I stuck your daughter,
14544 I've had trouble passin' water,
14545 So I guess we're kind of even all around!
14548 Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss.
14550 Watch out for a cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.)
14552 Watching girls go passing by
14553 It ain't the latest thing
14554 I'm just standing in a doorway
14555 I'm just trying to make some sense
14556 Out of these girls passing by A smile relieves the heart that grieves
14557 The tales they tell of men Remember what I said
14558 I'm not waiting on a lady I'm not waiting on a lady
14559 I'm just waiting on a friend I'm just waiting on a friend
14562 Don't need no booze
14563 Don't need a virgin priest Ooh, making love and breaking hearts
14564 But I need someone I can cry to It is a game for youth
14565 I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady
14566 I'm just waiting on a friend
14567 I'm just waiting on a friend
14568 -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend"
14570 "Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it."
14573 We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything
14574 we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain
14575 inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and
14576 when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's
14577 only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your
14578 Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God,
14579 he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die
14580 and stink to Heaven.
14581 -- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson
14583 We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb
14587 We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
14588 -- Pat Paulsen for President
14590 We aren't what we eat. We are what we don't shit.
14593 We boggies are a hairy folk Ever hungry, ever thirsting,
14594 Who like to eat until we choke. Never stop till belly's bursting.
14595 Loving all like friend and brother, Chewing chop and pork and muttons,
14596 And hardly ever eat each other. A merry race of boring gluttons.
14598 Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
14600 Boggies gather 'round the table, Anything edible, we've got dibs on,
14601 Eat as much as you are able. And hope we all die with our bibs on.
14602 Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up,
14603 (Don't forget your plate and spoon.) Come! And sing and play and throw-up!
14605 Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
14606 -- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem"
14608 We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
14610 We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
14611 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
14613 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
14614 -- James Watt, noted ecologist
14616 We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs
14617 with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone,
14618 and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to
14619 fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's
14620 called civilization and its discontents.
14621 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
14624 We must increase our bust!
14625 The bigger the better!
14626 The tighter the sweater!
14627 And the boys will think more of us!
14629 We sailed on the good ship Venus,
14630 My God, you should have seen us
14633 And the mast an upright penis
14635 The captain of the lugger
14636 Was known as a filthy bugger
14639 From one ship to another
14641 The first mate's name was Cooper,
14642 By god he was a trooper
14643 He jerked and jerked
14645 Himself into a stupor
14647 The cabin boy was chipper,
14648 A dandy little nipper
14649 He shoved cracked glass
14651 And circumcised the skipper
14653 The captain's wife was Charlotte,
14654 Born and bred a harlot
14655 Her thighs at night
14657 By morning they were scarlet
14659 The captain's youngest daughter
14660 Slipped into the water
14661 Her plaintive squeals
14662 Announced that eels
14663 Had found her sexual quarter
14665 The ship's dog's name was Rover,
14666 They turned the poor beast over
14667 And ground and ground
14668 That faithful hound
14669 From Tenerief to Dover
14671 "We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole
14672 country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
14675 We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed.
14678 We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
14679 Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
14680 I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
14681 And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
14684 In the church of Aphrodite,
14685 The priestess wears a see through nightie,
14686 She's a mighty righteous sightie,
14687 And she's good enough for me!
14690 CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
14691 Give me that old time religion,
14692 Give me that old time religion,
14693 'Cause it's good enough for me!
14695 Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!
14696 We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!
14697 There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass,
14698 Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.
14699 Come inside, the show's about to start,
14700 Guaranteed to blow your head apart.
14701 Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth,
14702 Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth!
14703 You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo!
14704 You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll!
14705 -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
14707 Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
14708 Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known
14709 banker in Houston, Texas. That's $5000, please, to stop
14710 us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that
14711 your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice
14712 and Tom need never know the name of your mistress. You
14713 have two days to reach us at:
14716 Behind the hot water pipes,
14717 Third stall from the end,
14718 Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO.
14720 Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
14721 This is the first of a series of revelations which could
14722 add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible
14723 criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia.
14724 So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing:
14725 1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on.
14726 2: What you were doing.
14727 3: The names of the three people involved.
14728 4: The youth organization to which they belonged.
14729 5: The shop where you bought the equipment.
14731 Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're
14732 not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself
14733 up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're
14734 always around. Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class
14735 joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap
14736 y'know. Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some
14737 provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house,
14738 y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on,
14739 mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not
14740 too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say,
14741 "Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that
14742 romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself
14743 up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little
14744 something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back
14745 records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the
14746 morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way
14747 around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way
14748 around it. I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird
14749 about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda
14750 spend a little time with myself.
14751 -- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner"
14753 Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
14754 By all of the lads in his class
14755 He said, with a yawn,
14756 "Now the novelty's gone
14757 And it's only a pain in the ass."
14759 Well, God gave me a bust. What am I supposed to do with it?
14762 Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best,
14763 Excitable boy, they all said!
14764 And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest,
14765 Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
14767 He took in the 4am show at the Clark,
14768 Excitable boy, they all said!
14769 And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark,
14770 Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
14772 He took little Susie to the junior prom,
14773 Excitable boy, they all said!
14774 And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home,
14775 Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy!)
14777 After ten long years they let him out of the home,
14778 Excitable boy, they all said!
14779 And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones,
14780 Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
14781 -- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy"
14783 Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come,
14784 I hope they comin' for me!
14785 And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good,
14786 I hope they doin' it for free!
14787 They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever!
14788 First time that I got it I was just ten years old,
14789 Got it from the kitty next door...
14790 I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure,
14791 I think I got it some more!
14792 Got a bad scratch fever...
14793 -- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever"
14795 "Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
14796 "And told my wife to try it on top.
14797 She bounced for an hour,
14798 Till she ran out of power,
14799 And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
14801 Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
14802 They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
14803 They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,
14804 I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance.
14806 Everybody, everybody's ass was bare,
14807 No bras left, just a queer over there.
14808 But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit;
14809 I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit.
14811 My baby's not a sports fan,
14812 But she plays with balls whenever she can.
14813 'Cause her favorite sport you see,
14814 Is playing tonsil hockey.
14816 Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew;
14817 Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw.
14818 Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit;
14819 Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit.
14820 -- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song"
14822 Well, I'd left home just a week before,
14823 And I'd never ever kissed a woman before,
14824 But Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
14825 And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!'
14826 Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man,
14827 But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola.
14828 La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola... Lola.
14831 Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke
14832 down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour. Hoping to
14833 find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse. When she was unable to find
14834 a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of
14835 beds, she could sleep with his daughter. The daughter proved to eighteen
14836 and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman
14837 rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware
14838 that some women like... to be with... other women. Let me be frank..."
14839 "No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly. "This time *I* want to
14842 "Well, madam," the bishop declared,
14843 While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
14844 "'Twere better, perhaps,
14845 In the crypt or the apse,
14846 Because sex in the nave must be shared."
14848 Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her
14850 -- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
14852 Eat shit and die. Strong memo to follow.
14853 -- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
14855 Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and
14856 she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked
14857 her twice and slapped her.
14859 Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
14860 my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
14861 you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
14863 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
14864 great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just
14865 felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at
14866 him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor
14867 quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier
14868 than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
14869 bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
14870 ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
14871 to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
14872 jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
14873 was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
14874 "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this
14875 elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
14876 picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
14877 orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
14878 The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
14879 "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
14882 Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly
14883 backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will
14884 experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique,
14885 though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will get around about
14886 your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners.
14887 So try to be discreet. I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but
14888 that's a matter of personal preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup,
14889 or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to
14890 distract the quail. You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb
14891 tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for
14894 Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick
14895 a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse.
14896 -- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984
14898 Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poor reptile
14899 and not very much of a bird.
14900 -- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a
14901 zoologist who has studied the archeopteryx and found it
14902 "very much like people".
14904 Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and
14905 a rabbi who lived near each other. One summer afternoon the priest went out
14906 and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone,
14908 The next day the priest went out and blessed his car. The minister
14909 hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool. The rabbi, after
14910 thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end
14913 We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk
14914 philosophy, executing both with confidence and style.
14916 WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really
14917 [Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
14918 reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the
14919 Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
14920 Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
14921 unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
14922 though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes
14923 President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
14924 they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
14926 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
14929 Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms
14930 of a chambermaid as a duchess.
14934 Overnight sensation.
14936 We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but
14937 divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night
14938 but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people realize is that the
14939 poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering
14940 "I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!"
14942 We've got things well in hand.
14943 -- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California
14945 We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
14946 various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According
14947 to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
14948 3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home.
14950 What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how
14951 she would look without them.
14954 What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
14956 What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep,
14957 I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but
14958 my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change.
14960 What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
14961 A Dan Quayle watch.
14963 What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant?
14964 "I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..."
14966 Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy...
14968 What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
14971 What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea?
14972 An incurable romantic.
14974 What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more
14976 -- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81",
14979 What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry
14982 Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
14984 What the fuck, over?
14986 What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll.
14988 What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
14989 Our Standardized Model should please even you,
14990 Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none
14991 It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
14992 Yet your state of the union penultimate large
14993 Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
14994 And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
14995 Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
14996 Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
14997 For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
14998 But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
14999 Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
15000 Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
15001 You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
15002 That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
15003 Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
15004 Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
15005 Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
15006 -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984
15008 What you mean, how old am I? About one hundred! But Viennese answer is
15009 better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows." This is an old joke.
15010 There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he
15011 did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart
15012 on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box.
15013 Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!" I hear his
15014 funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had
15015 supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs
15016 make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this, too: it is hard work
15017 and great art to make life not so serious.
15018 -- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire"
15020 Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay.
15022 What's on the floor of the old hen-house?
15024 -- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies"
15026 What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
15027 Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
15029 When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
15031 When a man grows old and his balls
15032 grow cold, So find me a seat and stand me a drink
15033 And the end of his knob turns blue; And a tale to you I'll tell
15034 When it's bent in the middle like a Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
15035 one-string fiddle, And the gentle Eskimo Nell.
15036 He can tell a tale or two.
15038 When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
15039 Go out in search of fun, And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
15040 It's usually Dick who wields the prick Are sore, depressed, and mad,
15041 And Mexican Pete the gun. 'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt
15042 So the shooting ain't so bad.
15043 There was rarely a day without a lay
15044 And usually two or three Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
15045 For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick Had been hunting in Deadman's creek.
15046 Was always like a tree. And they'd had no luck in the way of
15048 Just a moose or two and a caribou, For nigh on half a week.
15049 And a bison cow or so;
15050 And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick
15051 This fucking was mighty slow.
15052 -- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell
15054 When better women are made, computer programmers will make them.
15056 When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep,
15057 I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep. Chorus:
15058 In the mornin' the rooster crow, I am a back door man,
15059 Somethin' tells me I got to go. I am a back door man,
15060 Well, the men don't know,
15061 They take me to the doctor, But the little girls understand.
15062 shot full of holes,
15063 Nurse try to save a soul.
15064 Killed her for murder first degree,
15065 Judge what tried let the man go free.
15067 Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down,
15068 Rather be dead six feet in the ground.
15069 When you come home, you can eat pork and beans,
15070 I eats more chicken than any man's seen.
15071 -- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961
15073 When God created man, She was only testing.
15075 When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
15076 -- Charles Merrill Smith
15078 When he tried to inject his huge whanger
15079 A young man aroused his girl's anger.
15080 As they strove in the dark
15081 She was heard to remark,
15082 "What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
15084 When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to
15085 lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally
15086 honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to
15087 fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first
15088 to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax.
15089 The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking
15090 Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where
15091 the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said.
15092 "I've got to lay you or Jack off."
15093 "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache."
15095 "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
15097 -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
15099 When I need something
15101 I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy
15102 With a one-track mind Does a lot for me
15103 Smart guys are nowhere Superman
15104 They make demands With a lobotomy
15105 Give me a moron My father's out of Harvard
15106 With talented hands My brother's out of Yale
15107 I go bar-hopping Well the guy I took home last night
15108 And they say "Last call" Just got out of jail
15109 I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me
15110 For a Neanderthal Oooo, it really got me hot
15111 But the way he growled and bit me
15112 The bigger they come I hoped he had his shots
15114 In love till we're done The bigger they are
15115 Then they're out in the hall The harder they'll work
15117 For a good-looking jerk
15118 -- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"
15120 When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some
15121 kids had stolen my sandwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said,
15122 "Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard."
15125 You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two
15126 months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a
15127 vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything
15131 When in calling, plain speaking is out;
15132 When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about,
15133 You may wet, make water, or empty the glass;
15134 You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass.
15135 It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog
15136 When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog;
15137 But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
15138 It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____.
15141 When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
15142 rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
15144 When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey.
15146 When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of
15147 pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of
15148 a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that
15149 a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay."
15150 -- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes"
15152 Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell
15154 -- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI
15156 When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his
15157 selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones.
15158 "The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said.
15159 "The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty."
15160 "I'm just not sure," the woman said, then she noticed an eye-catching
15161 item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there?"
15162 "Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't
15163 sell you that one for less than a hundred."
15165 Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was
15166 going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white
15167 vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred
15168 bucks for my Thermos."
15170 When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground.
15171 -- Old Jewish saying
15173 [How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.]
15175 When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut!
15177 When they tell me to stick it where
15178 the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon.
15180 When things go wrong as they usually will,
15181 And your daily road seems all uphill,
15182 When funds are low and debts are high,
15183 When you try to smile, but can only cry --
15184 And you really feel you'd like to quit,
15185 Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit.
15187 When you and I are far apart
15188 Can sorrow break your tender heart?
15189 I love you darling, yes I do;
15190 Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you;
15191 All you are is a blossoming rose.
15192 Night is here so I must close.
15193 With care read the first word of each line.
15194 You will find a question of mine.
15195 -- Yours hopefully, The VAX.
15197 When you're lying on the bed,
15198 And the thought is in your head,
15199 But the feeling is way down between your legs,
15200 Take your problem in your hand,
15201 And beat it to the band,
15202 And try your best to keep it off the walls.
15204 Don't let your lover tell you,
15205 Don't let anybody sell you,
15206 That the joy of masturbation is a crime.
15207 For I've rid myself of fears,
15208 (I've been doing it for years)
15209 And now I have an erection all the time.
15211 Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means
15214 "Where'd she get those crow's feet? You really want to know?"
15216 "From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?"
15218 Which of the following doesn't belong?
15225 d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs,
15226 or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob.
15228 While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who
15229 was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
15230 hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, as
15231 will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform.
15232 On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower
15233 into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
15234 curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
15235 magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
15237 Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
15238 mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!"
15240 While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are
15241 scarcely sufficient to service one woman.
15244 While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
15245 Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
15246 She explained, "They are flat,
15247 But think nothing of that --
15248 You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
15250 While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore.
15252 While sitting 'neath an oak one morn
15253 In thought on this and that,
15254 A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift
15255 A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit!
15256 Why didst thou feel that my best hat
15257 "Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?"
15258 And brings joy to my heart.
15259 But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang,
15260 Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me,
15261 For thy hat I thought was my nest,
15262 I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree."
15263 His words to better mull,
15264 Then lifted up a paving block
15265 And crushed his fucking skull.
15266 -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
15268 While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it
15269 might be a good idea to write his girl. He had brought no stationery with
15270 him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and
15271 only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
15272 girl with languorous eyes.
15273 "Do you keep stationery?" he asked.
15274 "Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I
15282 "White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
15283 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
15284 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
15286 Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
15288 Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their reconciliation.
15289 Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting
15290 it out occasionally in Japan. That is, every now and then she gets a yen for
15293 Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio!
15295 Why I am an atheist:
15297 1. Atheists do not believe in higher powers.
15298 2. God is the highest power.
15299 3. Therefore, God must be an atheist.
15300 4. We should all strive to be like God.
15301 5. We should all be atheists.
15303 Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
15307 Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
15308 Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
15310 Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
15311 then she isn't good enough for you.
15313 Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl
15314 who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It
15315 would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those
15316 stupid enough to consent to such a deal.
15319 ...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something
15320 you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it.
15321 If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you
15322 lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter
15323 of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself
15324 and start raising your sails. You haven't a moment to lose.
15325 -- Edmund Carlevale
15327 Willie, looking in the mirror, Willie with the nursery shears
15328 Sucked the mercury off Cut off both the baby's ears.
15329 Thinking in his childish error To the baby so unsightly
15330 It would cure the whooping cough. Mother raised her eyebrows slightly.
15332 At the funeral his weeping mother In the family drinking well
15333 Sadly said to Mrs. Brown, Willie pushed his sister, Nell.
15334 "'Twas a chilly day for Willie She's there still because it killed her,
15335 When the mercury went down." Now, we have to buy a filter.
15337 Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
15339 With a bushel of apples, you can have
15340 a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.
15343 Something to thwow at a wabbit.
15345 Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like
15346 hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood
15347 movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this
15348 what it's all about? And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?"
15349 -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
15351 Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done.
15353 Women should be obscene and not heard.
15355 Women think of being a man as a gift. It is a duty. Even making love can
15356 be a duty. A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough.
15359 Women Unite! Make *___
\b\b\bhim* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
15361 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
15362 -- Graffito in a women's restroom
15364 Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
15366 Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit;
15367 you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.
15369 Working here is like a pregnancy.
15370 After nine months you wish you hadn't come.
15372 World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland,
15373 a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster.
15374 The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and
15375 Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful
15376 settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war
15377 postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel
15378 appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men!
15379 Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!"
15380 So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling
15381 the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the
15382 Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!" And God
15383 said, "It will be done."
15384 The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I*
15385 wish there were no more Germans!" Replies the angel, "It will be done."
15386 So the angel asks the Jew for his wish. The Jew is in a state of
15387 shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel
15388 avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew
15389 thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small
15392 Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
15393 problem down the hall?
15395 Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
15397 Writers do it between periods.
15399 "Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
15400 realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
15402 "Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
15403 the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
15404 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
15406 Yesterday is a memory,
15407 Tomorrow is a vision,
15410 You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
15411 wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
15412 (unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's
15413 age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are
15414 introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
15415 handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
15416 such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!"
15417 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
15419 You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
15420 only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively,
15421 as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?
15424 You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed.
15426 You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
15427 uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a
15430 (a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
15431 motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
15434 (b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize
15435 to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
15437 (c) Drop your napkin on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up,
15438 blow your nose on your sock.
15440 You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
15441 and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
15442 thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
15444 You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length.
15446 You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
15447 your girlfriend gets the munchies!
15449 You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!
15450 -- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon
15452 You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
15454 You can get used to living at a nudist camp.
15455 The first three days are the hardest.
15458 You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
15459 -- Frederick B. Artz
15461 You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
15462 pick your friend's nose.
15464 You can't underestimate the power of fear.
15465 -- Tricia Nixon Cox
15467 You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
15469 -- Heathcote Williams
15471 You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
15473 You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
15474 and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
15475 there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
15477 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
15480 (b) Ask what position she played.
15482 (c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
15484 You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
15485 proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
15486 proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
15487 into your coffee. You:
15489 (a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
15491 (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
15493 (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In"
15496 You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles
15497 are the biggest bastards on earth.
15500 You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
15501 to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently.
15502 -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
15504 You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women.
15505 It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with
15506 a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.
15508 You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high.
15510 You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister.
15512 You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
15514 You see that fucking fish?
15515 If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught.
15518 You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
15520 You wanna play the dozens,
15521 Well, the dozens is a game,
15522 But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame!
15525 You will always have friends
15526 Some friends will peter out.
15527 But I'll always be your friend,
15528 Peter in or peter out.
15530 You'll be a guest at a gay party.
15531 That will have important consequences for you.
15533 Young men want to be faithful and are not;
15534 old men want to be faithless and cannot.
15537 Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that...
15539 -- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there.
15540 -- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out
15542 -- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies.
15543 -- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!"
15544 -- they were the birth control poster child.
15545 -- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother.
15546 -- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to
15547 get the puppy to play with them.
15548 -- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink!
15550 Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree,
15551 shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"
15554 Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that
15555 there are more important things in life than great sex.
15560 SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
15561 "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your
15562 motto. You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV.
15563 Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act.
15564 But it's OK, Scorpio. A kick in the ass is at least one step forward.
15566 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
15567 You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.
15568 My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought of food
15569 out of your mind. Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing
15570 both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
15572 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19)
15573 Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something
15574 extremely foolish? Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies
15575 accumulating. Cheer up! All is not lost. It's better to be hated for
15576 what you are than loved for what you're not.
15578 Your spooning days are over,
15579 And your pilot light is out;
15580 When what used to be your sex appeal
15581 Is now your water spout!
15583 You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
15587 Zippity doo dah, zippity ay,
15588 I just gave my sister's cherry away!
15589 To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A.,
15590 Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.