1 %% $FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick,v 1.3.2.1 2002/08/09 20:40:29 fanf Exp $
2 %% $DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick,v 1.3 2007/05/13 18:33:55 swildner Exp $
3 A bad little girl in Madrid,
4 A most reprehensible kid,
6 That her cunt smelled like cheese,
7 And the worst of it was that it did!
9 A bather whose clothing was strewed
10 By breezes that left her quite nude,
12 And, unless I'm quite wrong,
13 You expected this line to be lewd.
15 A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
16 I am not I, I'm a tree."
17 But another, more sane,
18 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
19 And covered his pants leg with pee.
21 A beautiful belle of Del Norte
22 Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
23 Because during the day
24 She says: "Boys, keep away!"
25 But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
27 A beautiful lady named Psyche
28 Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
31 Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
33 A beetling young woman named Pridgets
34 Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
35 Off the end of a wharf
36 She once pushed a dwarf
37 Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
40 A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
41 Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
42 When she swiveled about
43 Even strong men cried out,
44 For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
46 A bobby of Nottingham Junction
47 Whose organ had long ceased to function
48 Deceived his good wife
49 For the rest of her life
50 With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
52 A broken-down harlot named Tupps
53 Was heard to confess in her cups:
54 "The height of my folly
55 Was fucking a collie --
56 But I got a nice price for the pups."
58 A burlesque dancer, a pip
59 Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
60 But she read science fiction
61 And died of constriction
62 Attempting a Moebius strip.
63 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
65 A busy young lady named Gloria
66 Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
69 And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
71 A cabin boy on an old clipper
72 Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
74 With fragments of glass
75 And thus circumcised his old skipper.
77 A cautious young fellow named Lodge
78 Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
79 When his date was strapped in,
81 Without even leaving his grodge.
83 A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
84 Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
85 With his date all strapped in
87 Without even leaving the garage.
88 -- "A Boy and His Dog"
90 A cautious young fellow named Tunney
91 Had a whang that was worth any money.
92 When eased in half-way,
93 The girl's sigh made him say,
94 "Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
96 A certain young man, it was noted,
97 Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
98 He said, "You may scoff,
99 But I shan't take it off;
100 Underneath I am horribly bloated."
103 A certain young person of Ghent,
104 Uncertain if lady or gent,
105 Shows his organs at large
106 For a small handling charge
107 To assist him in paying the rent.
109 A certain young sheik of Algiers
110 Said to his harem, "My dears,
111 Though you may think it odd of me,
112 I'm tired of just sodomy
113 Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
115 A chap down in Oklahoma
116 Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
117 But the sweetness of pitch
118 Couldn't put off the hitch
119 Of impotence, size and aroma.
121 A charmer from old Amarillo,
122 Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
124 That to keep men away
125 She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
127 A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
128 Had a pussy as large as a muff.
129 It had room for both hands
130 And some intimate glands,
131 And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
133 A clerical student named Pryne
134 Through pain sought to reach the divine:
135 He wore a hair shirt,
136 Quite often ate dirt,
137 And bathed every Friday in brine.
140 A clever young man named Eugene
141 Invented a jack-off machine.
142 On the twenty-third stroke
143 The fuckin' thing broke
144 And beat both his balls to a creame.
146 A cocksucking steno named Beeman
147 Remarked as she swallowed my semen:
148 "On my minuscule salary
149 I must watch every calorie,
150 So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
152 A computer called Illiac4
153 Had a rather tough bug in its core.
154 It chewed up its cards
155 And spewed yards and yards
156 Of illegible tape on the floor.
158 A computer, to print out a fact,
159 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
160 But this output can be
162 If the input was short of exact.
165 A contortionist hailing from Lynch
166 Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
167 A foot cost a quid --
169 Stretch it to three in a pinch.
171 A corpulent maiden named Kroll
172 Had a notion exceedingly droll:
173 At a masquerade ball,
174 Dressed in nothing at all,
175 She backed in as a Parker House roll.
177 A couple was fishing near Clombe
178 When the maid began looking quite glum,
179 And said, "Bother the fish!
181 Which they did -- which was why they had come.
183 A cowhand way out in Seattle
184 Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
185 He said, "No, I can't fuck
187 But golly! it just fits the cattle."
189 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
190 And had an affair with a Saracen.
191 She was not oversexed,
193 She just wanted to make a comparison.
195 A CS student named Lin
196 Had a prick the size of a pin
197 It was no good for girls
198 But just great for squirrels
199 Who squealed with delight with it in.
201 A cute little twerp from Samoa
202 Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
203 It was good for keyholes
204 And debutantes' peeholes
205 But not worth a damn on a whoa.
207 A daredevil skater named Lowe,
208 Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
209 But is proudest of doing,
210 Some incredible screwing,
211 Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
213 A deep-throated virgin named Netty
214 Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
215 She said, "It tastes nice,
216 Much better than rice,
217 Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
219 A delighted, incredulous bride
220 Remarked to her groom at her side:
223 Our anatomies would coincide."
225 A dentist, young doctor Malone,
226 Got a charming girl patient alone,
227 And, in his depravity,
228 Filled the wrong cavity.
229 God, how his practice has grown.
231 A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
232 With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
233 Let his third-story front,
234 To a willing young cunt,
235 Who supplied him a new lease on life!
237 A desperate spinster from Clare
238 Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
239 And prayed to her God
240 For a romp on the sod--
241 'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
243 A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
244 Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
246 He stripped off his pants,
247 But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
249 A doctoral student from Buckingham
250 Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
251 But a dropout from paree
252 Taught him Gamahuchee
253 So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
255 A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
256 Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
259 And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
261 A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
262 Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
263 They found her vagina,
265 And part of her ass in Brazil.
267 A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
268 Whose overworked sex is all callous,
269 Wore the foreskin away
270 On uncircumcised Ray,
271 Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
273 A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
274 Wished to foster an aura of menace.
275 To make people afraid
276 He wore gloves of grey suede
277 And white footgear intended for tennis.
278 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
280 A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
281 Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
282 Had achieved some reknown
283 For her tone going down--
284 There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
286 A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
287 Thought it very, very foolish to place
288 Her hand on your cock
289 When it turned hard as rock,
290 For fear it would explode in your face.
292 A farmer I know named O'Doole
293 Had a long and incredible tool.
294 He can use it to plow,
296 Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
298 A fellatrix's healthful condition
299 Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
301 (I suggest that you try it)
302 Was only her clients' emission.
304 A fellow whose surname was Hunt
305 Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
307 Could be turned inside out,
308 Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
310 A fisherman off of Cape Cod
311 Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
312 But the high-minded fish
314 And nimbly swam off with his rod.
316 A foolish geologist from Kissen
317 Just didn't know what he was missin',
319 And neglecting his cock,
320 And using it merely for pissin'.
322 A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
323 Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
324 When he popped her cherry,
325 She made things hairy
326 By bleeding all over his face.
328 A frustrated lady named Alice
329 Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
330 They found her vagina
332 And bits of her tits were in Dallas.
334 A gay young prince from Morocco
335 Made love in a manner rococco.
338 And flavored his semen with cocoa.
340 A geneticist living in Delft
341 Scientifically played with himself,
344 And filed him away on a shelf.
346 A gentleman, otherwise meek,
347 Detested with passion the leek;
349 He dealt such a clout
350 To the maid, she was down for a week.
353 A german composer named Bruckner
354 Remarked to a lady while fuckener:
355 "Less lento, my dear,
356 With your cute little rear;
357 I like a hot presto when muckener!"
359 A gift was delivered to Laura
360 From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
361 Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
362 It was peeled, like a grape,
363 And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
366 A gifted young fellow from Sparta
367 Was widely renowned as a farta'.
368 He could fart anything
369 From "Of Thee I Sing,"
370 To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
372 A girl camper once had an affair
373 With a fellow all covered with hair.
374 When she gave him his hat
376 She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
378 A girl of the Enterprise crew
379 Refused every offer to screw.
380 But a Vulcan named Spock
381 Crawled under her smock,
382 And now she is eating for two.
384 A girl of uncertain nativity
385 Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
386 While she sat on the lap
388 She could sense Fifth Column activity.
390 A graduate student named Zac
391 Was said to be great in the sack.
394 And two gave them epileptic attacks.
396 A greedy young lady from Sidney
397 Liked it in up to her kidney,
398 Till a man from Quebec
399 Shoved it up to her neck--
400 He really diddled her, didn' he?
402 A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
403 Once swallowed a package of seeds.
405 Was covered with grass
406 And his balls were grown over with weeds.
408 A guest in a household quite charmless
409 Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
410 "If you're caught unawares
411 At the head of the stairs,
412 Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
415 A habit depraved and unsavory
416 Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
417 Midst screeches and howls
418 He deflowered young owls
419 Which he kept in an underground aviary
421 A habit obscene and bizarre,
422 Has taken a-hold of papa.
423 He brings home young camels
424 And other odd mammals,
425 And gives them a go at mama.
427 A habit obscene and unsavory,
428 Holds a CS professor in slavery.
430 He deflowers young owls,
431 That he keeps in an underground aviary.
433 A hacker who screwed a mag tape
434 Was caught and convicted of rape.
436 From which, to his woe
437 He couldn't get out with ESC.
439 A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
440 Made love to the drive of his disk.
441 The thing circumsized him,
442 Which rather surprised him.
443 He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
445 A handsome young rodent named Gratian
446 As a lifeguard became a sensation.
447 All the lady mice waved
448 And screamed to be saved
449 By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
451 A happy old hooker named Grace
452 Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
453 It was hard for beginners
454 To tell who were winners:
455 There were cunt hairs all over the place.
457 A hardware debugger named Court
458 Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
461 So the port's driver cut it off short.
463 A haughty young wench of Del Norte
464 Would fuck only men over forty.
465 Said she, "It's too quick
466 With a young fellow's prick;
467 I like it to last, and be warty."
469 A headstrong young woman in Ealing
470 Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
471 When quizzed why she did,
472 She replied, "To be rid
473 Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
476 A hearty young fellow named Yost
477 Once had an affair with a ghost.
478 At the height of the spasm
480 Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost."
482 A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
483 Would say, when the fellows got hairy:
484 "Keep your prick in your pants
485 Till the end of this dance--"
486 Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
488 A highly aesthetic young Jew
489 Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
490 The end of his dillie
491 Was shaped like a lilly,
492 And his balls were too utterly two!
494 A highway patrol buff named Claire,
495 Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
496 And her parts grew so hot,
497 There was steam on her twat,
498 So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
500 A horny young fellow named Reg,
501 Was jerking off under a hedge.
502 The gardener drew near
503 With a huge pruning shear,
504 And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
506 A huge-organed female in Dallas,
507 Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
510 No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
512 A joker who haunts Monticello
513 Is really a terrible fellow.
514 In the midst of caresses
515 He fills ladies dresses
516 With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
518 A lacklustre lady of Brougham
519 Weaveth all night at her loom.
521 When her lord and his wench
522 Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
524 A lad, at his first copulation,
525 Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
527 Throughout the duration,
528 I guess I'll give up masturbation."
530 A lad from far-off Transvaal
531 Was lustful, but tactful withal.
532 He'd say, just for luck,
533 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
534 But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
536 A lad of the brainier kind
537 Had erogenous zones in his mind.
538 He got his sensations,
539 By solving equations,
540 (Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
542 A lady born under a curse
543 Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
544 From the back she would wail
545 Through a thickness of veil:
546 "Things do not get better, but worse."
549 A lady both callous and brash
550 Met a man with a vast black moustache;
551 She cried, "Shave it, O do!
552 And I'll put it with glue
553 On my hat as a sort of panache."
556 A lady from Kalamazoo
557 Once found she had nothing to do,
558 So she sat on the stairs
559 And she counted her hairs:
562 A lady from Old Little Rock
563 In fidelity took little stock,
565 In the streets of Japan
566 For a boy with a prehensile cock.
568 A lady removing her scanties,
569 Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
570 Said her beau, "Have no fear,
571 For the reason is clear:
572 You simply have amps in your panties.
574 A lady stockholder quite hetera
575 Decided her fortune to bettera:
576 On the floor, quite unclad,
578 Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
580 A lady was seized with intent
581 To revise her existence misspent.
582 So she climbed up the dome
583 Of St. Peter's in Rome,
584 Where she stayed through the following Lent.
587 A lady while dining at Crewe
588 Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
589 Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
590 And don't wave it about,
591 Or the others will all want one too."
593 A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
594 Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
595 "I don't mind my shins
596 Being stuck full of pins,
597 But I fear I am coming unsexed."
600 A lady with features cherubic
601 Was famed for her area pubic.
602 When they asked her its size
603 She replied in surprise,
604 "Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
606 A lass at the foot of her class
607 Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
608 She replied, "With no fuss
609 You can get a B-plus,
610 By letting the prof pat your ass."
612 A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
613 After fucking his favorite female,
614 Mixed Drambuie and scotch
615 With the cream in her crotch
616 For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
618 A licentious old justice of Salem
619 Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
620 But instead of a fine
621 He would stand them in line,
622 With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
624 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
625 Into space that is quite economical.
626 But the good ones I've seen
628 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
630 A linguist thought it a farce
631 That memory space was so sparse.
632 One day they increased it.
633 Said he as he seized it:
634 "At last! Enough core for the parse".
636 A lonely young lad of Eton
637 Used always to sleep with the heat on,
638 Till he ran into a lass
639 Who showed him her ass --
640 Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
642 A lovely young diver named Nancy,
643 Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
645 Watched her Derriere,
646 And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
648 A lovely young maid from St. Jude
649 Once rode through the streets in the nude.
650 The police cried, "Whatam--
652 And slapped it as hard as they could.
654 A lusty young maid from Seattle
655 Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
656 Till she found a bull
657 Who filled her so full
658 It made both her ovaries rattle.
660 A lusty young woodsman of Maine
661 For years with no woman had lain,
662 But he found sublimation
664 In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
666 A madam who ran a bordello
667 Put come in her pineapple jello,
668 For the rich, sexy taste
669 And not wanting to waste
670 That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
672 A maestro directing in Rome
673 Had a quaint way of driving it home.
675 Had to keep her tail timed
676 To the beat of his old metronome.
678 A maiden who lived in Virginny
679 Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
680 The horsey set rushed her,
681 But success finally crushed her
682 For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
684 A maiden who travelled in France
685 Once got on a train, just by chance.
686 The engineer fucked her,
687 The conductor sucked her,
688 And the fireman came in his pants.
690 A maiden who wrote of big cities
691 Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
692 Sold her stuff at the shop
694 Who played with her soft little titties.
696 A man was once heard to boast,
697 That he received a parcel by post,
698 It contained, so we heard,
700 And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
702 A marine being sent to Hong Kong
703 Got a doctor to alter his dong.
704 He sailed off with a tool
705 Flat and thin as a rule -
706 When he got there he found he was wrong.
708 A mathematician named Hall
709 Had a hexahedronical ball,
710 And the square of its weight
711 Times his pecker's, plus eight,
712 Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
714 A mathematician named Hall
715 Has a hexahedronical ball,
716 And the cube of its weight
717 Times his pecker's, plus eight
718 Is his phone number -- give him a call...
720 A mathematician named Klein
721 Thought the Moebius band was divine.
722 Said he, "If you glue
724 You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
726 A middle-aged codger named Bruin
727 Found his love life completely in ruin,
728 For he flirted with flirts
729 Wearing pants and no skirts,
730 And he never got in for no screwin'.
732 A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
733 Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
734 She had nowhere to turn,
735 So she diddled a churn,
736 And managed to come with the butter.
738 A mortician who practised in Fife
739 Made love to the corpse of his wife.
740 "How could I know, Judge?
741 She was cold, did not budge--
742 Just the same as she'd acted in life."
744 A nasty old drunk in Carmel
745 Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
746 He says, "Some don't favor
748 But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
750 A nervous young fellow named Fred
751 Took a charming young widow to bed.
752 When he'd diddled a while
753 She remarked with a smile,
754 "You've got it all in but the head."
756 A new dramatist of the absurd
757 Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
758 I learn from my spies
760 An unprintable three-letter word.
762 A newlywed couple from Goshen
763 Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
765 They got laid eighty ways --
766 Imagine such fucking devotion!
768 A newly-wed man of Peru
769 Found himself in a terrible stew:
771 Much deader than dead,
772 And so he had no one to screw.
774 A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
775 In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
776 Reads the sign o'er the head
777 Of her well-rumpled bed
778 "The customer always comes first."
780 A novice was told by the Abbot:
781 "Consider the goat and the rabbit.
782 While they roll in the hay
783 You just stay home and pray.
784 You've got to get out of that habit."
786 A nudist resort at Benares
787 Took a midget in all unawares.
788 But he made members weep
789 For he just couldn't keep
790 His nose out of private affairs.
792 A nurse motivated by spite
793 Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
794 She launched it with ease
795 On the afternoon breeze,
796 And watched till it flew out of sight.
799 A pansy who lived in Khartoum
800 Took a lesbian up to his room.
801 They argued all night
802 Over who had the right
803 To do what, with which, and to whom.
805 A passionate red-haired girl
806 When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
807 And her twat would get wet,
808 And would wiggle and fret,
809 And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
811 A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
812 Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
814 She would squat in his yard
815 And longingly pee in the sneaux.
817 A petulant man once said, "Pish,
818 Your cunt is as big as a dish."
819 She replied, "Why, you fool,
820 With your limp little tool,
821 It's like driving a pin with a fish."
823 A physical fellow named Fisk
824 Could screw at a rate very brisk.
825 So fast was his action
826 The Fitzgerald contraction
827 Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
829 A pious old woman named Tweak
830 Had taught her vagina to speak.
831 It was frequently liable
832 To quote from the Bible,
833 But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
835 A pious young lady named Finnegan
836 Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
838 Make it last through the night,
839 For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
841 A pious young lady of Chichester
842 Made all of the saints in their niches stir
843 And each morning at matin
844 Her breast in pink satin
845 Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
847 A playful young chemist named Byrd
848 Had an urge that could not be deferred.
851 And plastered the walls with his turd.
853 A plumber whose name was John Brink
854 Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
855 Her resistance was stout,
856 And John Brink petered out,
857 With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
859 A potter who lived in Bombay
860 Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
861 But the heat of his prick
862 Kilned the damn thing to brick
863 And chafed all his foreskin away.
865 A pretty wife living in Tours
866 Demanded her daily amour.
867 But the husband said, "No!
868 It's to much. Let it go!
869 My backsides are dragging the floor."
871 A pretty young boy known as Kevin
872 Was raped in a pasture by seven
874 (Oh, those Anglican priests)
875 And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
877 A pretty young lady named Vogel
878 Once sat herself down on a molehill.
880 Nosed into her hole --
881 Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
883 A pretty young maiden from France
884 Decided she'd "just take a chance."
887 And now all her sisters are aunts.
889 A princess who lived near a bog
890 Met a prince in the form of a frog.
891 Now she and her prince
892 Are the parents of quints,
893 Four boys and one fine polliwog.
895 A princess who reigned in Baroda
896 Made her home on a purple pagoda.
897 She festooned the walls
898 Of her halls with the balls
899 And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
901 A programmer down in Moline
902 Said, I'm the match for any machine.
903 My secret's aversion,
904 To loops and recursion,
905 Just acres of in-line routine.
908 A progressive professor named Winners
909 Held classes each evening for sinners.
910 They were graded and spaced
911 So the vile and debased
912 Would not be held back by beginners.
914 A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
915 Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
916 She cried, "I suppose
917 There's no time for my clothes,
918 But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"
920 A rapturous young fellatrix
921 One day was at work on five pricks.
923 She whipped out her glass eye:
924 "Tell the boys I can now take on six."
926 A reckless young lady of France
927 Had no qualms about taking a chance,
928 But she thought it was crude
929 To get screwed in the nude,
930 So she always went home with damp pants.
932 A remarkable race are the Persians;
933 They have such peculiar diversions.
934 They make love the whole day
936 And save up the nights for perversions.
938 A remarkable race are the Persians,
939 They have such peculiar diversions.
940 They screw the whole day
942 And save up the nights for perversions.
944 A responsive young girl from the East
945 In bed was an able artiste.
946 She had learned two positions
947 From family physicians,
948 And ten more from the old parish priest.
950 A romantic attraction has clung
951 To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
952 "'Tis the Scourge from the East,
953 That lascivious beast
954 Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
956 A sailor who slept in the sun,
957 Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
958 He remarked with a smile,
959 "Good grief, a sun-dial!
960 And now it's a quarter-past one."
962 A savvy young hooker named Gail
963 Got busted and lodged in the jail.
964 But the jailer got hot,
965 To be lodged in her twat,
966 And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
968 A scandal involving an oyster
969 Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
970 She preferred it, in bed,
971 To the count (so she said)
972 'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
974 A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
975 Resounded for miles upon miles.
976 Said the friar, "Good gracious,
977 The brother Ignatious
978 Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
980 A seafaring hacker named Slatey
981 Went to bed with a VAX/780.
982 The thing's learned to swear
984 And refers to its users as "matey".
986 A sex-loving coed named Bree
987 Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
988 The joystick, she found,
989 Had been fooling around
990 With a neighboring student's PC.
992 A silly young man from Hong Kong
993 Had hands that were skinny and long.
994 He ate rice with his fingers--
995 The taste of it lingers,
996 But now all his fingers are gone.
998 A slick talking pirate named Bruce
999 To steal code, had a plan to seduce
1001 Now Bruce wears a truss
1002 And was jailed for computer abuse.
1004 A software technician from Digital
1005 Had hardware extremely prodigical.
1006 It's rumoured, I hear,
1007 That when he was near
1008 He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
1010 A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
1011 Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
1012 She started to pout,
1013 Because it fell out,
1014 But the mission was saved by re-entry.
1016 A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
1017 His moment of sexual truth.
1018 He'd expected to fall
1019 On a womb's spongy wall
1020 But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
1022 A spinster in Kalamazoo
1023 Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
1024 She was seized by the nape,
1025 And fucked by an ape,
1026 And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
1028 And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
1029 But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
1031 Half as stiff and as thick
1032 As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
1034 A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
1035 Used to toss off each night while in bed.
1036 Said his mother, "Dear lad,
1037 That's exceedingly bad--
1038 Jump in here with your mama instead."
1040 A starship commander named Kirk
1041 Emerged from his cabin berserk.
1042 He grabbed a girl yeoman
1043 Beneath the abdomen,
1044 And gave her a physical jerk.
1046 A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
1047 Was having a captive, a person
1049 Though she had the curse,
1050 And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
1052 A structured programmer named Drew
1053 Was intensely turned on by "goto".
1054 When he saw it in code
1055 He'd shoot off his load.
1056 It's a good thing his shop used so few.
1058 A studious professor named Nestor
1059 Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
1060 But she drained out his balls
1061 And skipped up the walls,
1062 Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
1064 A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
1065 Went down on her beau in the garden.
1066 He said, "Good lord, Tess,
1067 Don't swallow that mess!"
1068 And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
1070 A systems programmer named Sprotic
1071 Found his software intensely erotic.
1074 It's possible that he's psychotic.
1076 A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
1077 Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
1078 While the man detumesced
1079 She still spent on with zest,
1080 Her rapture sheer anachronism.
1082 A talented girl from Detroit
1083 Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
1084 She could squeeze her vagina
1085 To a pin-point or finer
1086 Or open it out like a quoit.
1088 A team playing baseball in Dallas
1089 Called the umpire blind out of malice.
1090 While this worthy had fits
1091 The team made eight hits
1092 And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
1094 A teenage protester named Lil
1095 Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill
1096 First they bugged our martinis,
1097 Our bras and bikinis,
1098 And now they are bugging the pill."
1100 A thrice-married gal from L.A.
1101 Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
1102 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
1103 The voyeur only gawked at it,
1104 And my most recent man's a gourmet."
1106 A tidy young lady of Streator
1107 Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
1108 She always would say,
1109 "I prefer it this way.
1110 I think it is very much neater."
1112 A timid young woman named Jane
1113 Found parties a terrible strain;
1114 With movements uncertain
1115 She'd hide in a curtain
1116 And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
1119 A tired young trollop of Nome
1120 Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
1121 Eight miners came screwing,
1122 But she said, "Nothing doing;
1123 One of you has to go home!"
1125 A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
1126 Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
1127 The result of this fuck
1128 Was a three titted duck,
1129 A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
1131 A tutor who tooted a flute
1132 Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
1133 Said the two to the tutor:
1134 "Is it harder to toot or
1135 To tutor two tutors to toot"
1137 A vengeful technician named Schmitz
1138 Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
1139 He covered the platter
1140 With bats' fecal matter.
1141 Now it's seek time is really the pits.
1143 A very intelligent turtle
1144 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
1145 The system, you see,
1146 Ran as slow as did he,
1147 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
1149 A very odd pair are the Pitts:
1150 His balls are as large as her tits,
1151 Her tits are as large
1152 As an invasion barge--
1153 Neither knows how the other cohabits.
1155 A wanton young lady from Wimley
1156 Reproached for not acting quite primly
1157 Said, "Heavens above!
1158 I know sex isn't love,
1159 But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
1161 A water pipe suited Miss Hunt;
1162 She used it for many a bunt.
1163 But the unlucky wench
1164 Got it caught in her trench ---
1165 It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
1166 To get the thing out of her cunt.
1168 A weary old lecher named Blott
1169 Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
1170 Too lazy to rape her,
1171 He made darts out of paper,
1172 Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
1174 A whimsical fellow named Bloch
1175 Could beat the base drum with his cock.
1176 With a special erection
1177 He could play a selection
1178 From Johann Sebastian Bach.
1180 A wicked stone cutter named Cary
1181 Drilled holes in divine statuary.
1182 With eyes full of malice
1183 He pulled out his phallus,
1184 And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
1186 A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
1187 Had a hole as big as a basket.
1189 In it now, you could hide,
1190 And include with your luggage your mascot.
1192 A widow whose singular vice
1193 Was to keep her late husband on ice
1194 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
1195 I'll never defrost him!
1196 Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
1198 A wonderful bird is the pelican.
1199 His mouth can hold more than his belican.
1200 He can take in his beak
1201 Enough food for a week.
1202 And I'm darned if I know how the helican.
1204 A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
1205 Renowned for the length of their peenies.
1206 The hair on their balls
1207 Sweeps the floors of their halls,
1208 But they don't look at women, the meanies.
1210 A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
1211 Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
1212 But when everything's cleared,
1213 He gives way to the weird,
1214 As he lovingly busses each table.
1216 A worn-out young husband named Lehr
1217 Heard daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
1218 "Slip on a sheath, quick,
1219 Then slip your big dick
1220 Between these lips covered with hair."
1222 A worried young man from Stamboul
1223 Discovered red spots on his tool.
1224 Said the doctor, a cynic,
1225 "Get out of my clinic
1226 Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
1228 A young bride and groom of Australia
1229 Remarked as they joined genitalia:
1230 "Though the system seems odd,
1231 We are thankful that God
1232 Developed the genus Mammalia."
1234 A young fellow discovered through Freud
1235 That although of penis devoid,
1236 He could practice coitus
1238 And his parents were quite overjoyed.
1240 A young Juliet of St. Louis
1241 On a balcony stood acting screwy.
1243 But he wasn't well timed,
1244 And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
1246 A young lad named Lester McGraw
1247 Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
1248 As he watched him stick her
1249 He said, with a snicker,
1250 "You do it much faster than Paw."
1252 A young lady sat by the sea,
1253 Just as proper as proper could be.
1254 A young fellow goosed her,
1255 And roughly seduced her,
1256 So she thanked him and went home to tea.
1258 A young lady who lived by the Usk
1259 Subsisted each day on a rusk;
1260 She ate the first bite
1261 Before it was light,
1262 And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
1265 A young lass got married at Chester;
1266 Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
1267 Said she, "You're in luck --
1268 'E's a stunning good fuck,
1269 For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."
1271 A young maiden from France was no prude,
1272 She decided to dive in the nude,
1273 But her buddy, behind,
1274 Went out of his mind,
1275 When he noticed where she was tattooed.
1277 A young man by a girl was desired
1278 To give her the thrills she required,
1279 But he died of old age
1280 Ere his cock could assuage
1281 The volcanic desire it inspired.
1283 A young man from the banks of the Po
1284 Found his cock had elongated so,
1287 But only his neighbors who'd know.
1289 A young man grew increasingly peaky
1290 In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
1291 The ferns curled up brown,
1292 The ceilings flaked down,
1293 And all of the faucets were leaky.
1296 A young man maintained that his trigger
1297 Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
1298 But this long and thick pud
1299 Was so heavy it could
1300 Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
1302 A young man of acumen and daring,
1303 Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
1304 Was left quite alone
1305 When it soon became known
1306 That their use at his board was unsparing.
1309 A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
1310 While bent over plucking a dingle
1311 Had the whole of Eisteddfod
1312 Taking turns at his pod
1313 While they sang some impossible jingle.
1315 A young man with passions quite gingery
1316 Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
1317 He slapped her behind
1318 And made up his mind
1319 To add incest to insult and injury.
1321 A young polo-player of Berkeley
1322 Made love to his sweetheart berserkly.
1323 In the midst of each chukker
1324 He would break off and fuck her
1325 Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
1327 A young systems programmer of Sprotic
1328 Found his software intensely erotic.
1331 It's possible that he's a psychotic.
1333 A young violinist from Rio
1334 Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
1335 As she took down her panties
1336 She said, "No andantes;
1337 I want this allegro con brio!"
1339 A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
1340 Preferred frigging to going to mass.
1341 Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
1343 For I cannot live up to your ass."
1345 A young woman got married at Chester,
1346 Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
1347 Says she, "You're in luck,
1348 He's a stunning good fuck,
1349 For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
1351 According to experts, the oyster
1352 In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
1355 Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
1357 Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
1358 Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
1359 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
1360 When he parted her thighs;
1361 "Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
1363 All the female apes ran from King Kong
1364 For his dong was unspeakably long.
1365 But a friendly giraffe
1366 Quaffed his yard and a half,
1367 And ecstatically burst into song.
1369 An aesthete from South Carolina
1370 Had a cock that tickled like China,
1371 But while shooting his load
1372 It cracked like old Spode,
1373 So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
1375 An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
1376 Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
1377 She will use her bare fist
1378 If the fellows insist
1379 But she really prefers to wear gloves.
1381 An AI researcher named Bluth
1382 Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
1384 Which he taught certain tricks
1385 Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
1387 An amazon giantess named Dunne
1388 Let a midget screw her for fun.
1389 But the poor little runt
1390 Was engulfed in her cunt
1391 And re-born as the twin of his son.
1393 An ambitious lady named Harriet
1394 Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
1395 By seventeen sailors
1396 A monk and three tailors,
1397 Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
1399 An anonymous woman we knew
1400 Was dozing one day in her pew;
1401 When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
1402 She said, "Count me in
1403 As soon as the service is through."
1405 An architect fellow named Yoric
1406 Could, when feeling euphoric,
1407 Display for selection
1408 Three kinds of erection-
1409 Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
1411 An ardent young man named Magruder
1412 Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
1413 She thought it quite lewd
1414 To be wooed in the nude,
1415 But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
1417 An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
1418 Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
1420 And sheep are divine
1421 But llamas are numero uno."
1423 An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
1424 Had a fetish involving the net.
1425 As he fondled his IMP
1426 His cock went from limp
1427 To as hard as concrete which has set.
1429 An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
1430 Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
1431 She was finally the prize
1432 Of a man twice her size
1433 And all she recalls is the ache.
1435 An artist who lived in Australia
1436 Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
1437 The drawing was fine,
1438 The colour - divine,
1439 The scent - ah, that was a failia.
1441 An eager young hacker named Gus
1442 Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
1443 The hardware went bad,
1444 But not the young lad
1445 (Except for the toupee and truss).
1447 An eager young hacker named Gus
1448 Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
1449 The hardware went bad,
1450 But not the young lad
1451 He didn't expect all that fuss!
1453 An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
1454 Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
1455 Used on Saturday nights
1456 To turn down the lights,
1457 And chase them around with a bludgeon.
1460 An envious girl named McMeanus
1461 Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
1462 It was small consolation
1463 That the rest of the nation
1464 Of women were with her in weeness.
1466 An exotic young lady named Suki
1467 Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
1468 When asked for a fuck
1469 She said, "Solly, no luck--
1470 See here: looky looky, no nuki "
1472 An impish young fellow named James
1473 Had a passion for idiot games.
1475 Of his lady's affair
1476 And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
1478 An impotent Scot named MacDougall
1479 Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
1480 He was gathering semen
1482 By screwing his wife through a bugle.
1484 An incautious young woman named Venn
1485 Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
1486 She vanished one day,
1487 But the following May
1488 Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
1491 An indefatigable woman named Bavel
1492 Had often occasion to travel;
1493 On the way she would sit
1495 And on the way back she'd unravel.
1498 An ingenious young man in South Bend
1499 Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
1500 But the friend shortly found
1501 Its construction unsound,
1502 It was simply a bother -- no end.
1504 An innocent maiden named Herridge
1505 Was cruelly tricked into marriage;
1506 When she later found out
1507 What her spouse was about,
1508 She threw herself under a carriage.
1511 An inquisitive virgin named Dora
1512 Asked the man who started to bore 'er:
1513 "Do you mean birds and bees
1514 Go through antics like these,
1515 To supply us our fauna and flora?"
1517 An irate young lady named Booker
1518 Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
1519 If you want it queer ways,
1520 Go to whores for your lays!"
1521 So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
1524 To his wife remained steadfastly true.
1525 This was not from compunction,
1526 But due to dysfunction
1527 Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
1529 An old couple just at Shrovetide
1530 Were having a piece -- when he died.
1532 Sat tight on his peak,
1533 And bounced up and down as she cried.
1535 An old electronic designer
1536 Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
1537 He couldn't carry them out
1538 For his prick was too stout,
1539 And too small was the minor's vagina.
1541 An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
1542 Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
1543 But he was not removed
1544 Till one day it was proved
1545 That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
1548 An old maid who had a pet ape
1549 Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
1550 His red, hairy phallus
1551 So filled her with malice
1552 That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
1554 An old man at the Folies Bergere
1555 Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
1556 It snipped off a twat-curl
1557 From each new chorus girl,
1558 And he had a wig made of the hair.
1560 An organist playing in York
1561 Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
1562 And between obbligatos
1563 He'd munch at tomatoes,
1564 To keep up his strength while at work.
1566 An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
1567 Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
1568 Her climatic fame spread
1569 With an ad blitz that said:
1570 Coming soon at a theater near you!
1572 An uptight young lady named Breerley
1573 Who valued her morals too dearly
1575 Only once every year,
1576 And she strained her vagina severely.
1578 And earnest young woman in Thrace
1579 Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
1580 So he gave her a thwack,
1581 And did on her back,
1582 What he couldn't have done face to face.
1584 And then there's the story that's fraught
1585 With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
1586 When a chap took a crap
1587 In the woods, and a trap
1588 Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
1590 As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
1591 Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
1592 Since he thinks it's effete
1593 To be beating his meat,
1594 What he's into is licking his chops.
1596 As he came in his chubby choirboy,
1597 Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
1599 And possible heavens,
1600 Existence will merely annoy."
1602 As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
1603 Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
1604 I could not bear the loss,
1605 For with scarlet silk floss
1606 My mama has embroidered their clocks."
1609 As tourists inspected the apse
1610 An ominous series of raps
1611 Came from under the altar,
1612 Which caused some to falter
1613 And others to shriek and collapse.
1616 Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
1617 "Do I sin if I do what I want, if
1619 In the eastertide sun?"
1620 His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
1622 At a contest for farting in Butte
1623 One lady's exertion was cute:
1626 And three judges were felled by the brute.
1628 At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
1629 Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
1630 Letting all comers press
1631 Through the skirt of her dress
1632 And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
1634 At the end of all civilization
1635 Is the planet Terminus's location.
1636 There's a girl there whose feat,
1637 Without stone or concrete,
1638 Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
1640 At the moment Japan declared war
1641 A sailor was fucking a whore.
1642 He said, "After this poke
1643 `Long and hard' ain't no joke;
1644 This means months 'til I get back ashore."
1646 At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
1647 Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
1648 It beats all night long
1650 As it staggers about in the creepers.
1653 At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
1654 Though of love we are never penurious.
1655 Thanks to vulcanized aids,
1656 Though we may die old maids,
1657 At least we shall never die curious.
1659 At whist drives and strawberry teas
1660 Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
1661 But when she was alone
1662 She'd drink eau de cologne,
1663 And weep from a sense of unease.
1666 Augustus, for splashing his soup,
1667 Was put for the night on the stoop;
1668 In the morning he'd not
1670 And next day he was dead of the croup.
1673 Back in the days of old Adam
1674 The grass served as mattress for madam,
1675 And they spent the whole day
1676 On the sex that today
1677 They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
1679 Each Friday his engines abort,
1680 But Scotty is never caught short.
1681 He fills his machines
1682 With space-navy beans,
1683 And farts the ship back into port.
1685 Each night Father fills me with dread
1686 When he sits on the foot of my bed;
1687 I'd not mind that he speaks
1688 In gibbers and squeaks,
1689 But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
1692 From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
1693 Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
1694 Said the rector, "My gracious,
1696 Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
1698 From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
1699 There is really abominable news;
1700 They've discovered a head
1701 In the box for the bread,
1702 But nobody seems to know whose.
1705 From the bathing machine came a din
1706 As of jollification within;
1707 It was heard far and wide,
1708 And the incoming tide
1709 Had a definite flavour of gin.
1712 "Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
1713 Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
1714 "Since dating Miss Baugh,
1715 My whole tongue has been raw--
1716 It must have been something I ate."
1718 In the case of a lady named Frost,
1719 Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
1720 It's the best part of valor
1721 To bugger the gal, or
1722 You're apt to fall in and get lost.
1724 In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
1725 Complacently stroking his madam,
1726 And loud was his mirth
1727 For on all of the earth
1728 There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
1730 In the little French town of Le'Beau,
1731 Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
1732 At a masquerade ball,
1733 Clad in nothing at all,
1734 She backed in as a Parker house roll.
1736 It always delights me at Hank's
1737 To walk up the old river banks.
1738 One time in the grass
1739 I stepped on an ass,
1740 And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
1742 It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
1743 Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
1744 They sat in her Bentley,
1745 She fondled him gently,
1746 And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
1748 The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
1749 No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
1750 Where ten thousand virgins
1751 Succumbed to his urgin's
1752 There now stands the great State of Utah.
1754 The latest reports from Good Hope
1755 State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
1756 And fuck high, wide, and free,
1757 From the top of one tree
1758 To the top of the next -- what a scope!
1760 The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
1761 Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
1762 Once Congress in session,
1763 Declared its suppression,
1764 But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
1766 The limerick is furtive and mean;
1767 You must keep her in close quarantine,
1768 Or she sneaks to the slums
1769 And promptly becomes
1770 Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
1773 The old archeologist, Throstle,
1774 Discovered a marvelous fossil.
1775 He knew from its bend
1776 And the knot on the end,
1777 T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
1779 There a young man from the Coast
1780 Who had an affair with a ghost.
1781 At the height of orgasm
1782 Said the pallid phantasm,
1783 "I think I can feel it -- almost!"
1785 There once was a bishop from Birmingham
1786 Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
1787 As they knelt on the hassock
1788 He lifted his cassock
1789 And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
1791 There once was a boy named Carruthers
1792 Who was busily fucking his mother
1793 "I know it's a sin,"
1794 He said, shoving it in,
1795 "But it's better than blowing my brother."
1797 There once was a chick named Longet,
1798 Who went out to Aspen to play.
1799 Along came a Spyder,
1800 Who sat down beside her
1801 And she blew the poor bastard away.
1803 There once was a clergyman's daughter
1804 Who detested the pony he bought her,
1805 Till she found that its dong
1806 Was as hard and as long
1807 As the prayers her father had taught her.
1809 She married a fellow named Tony
1810 Who soon found her fucking the pony.
1811 Said he, "What's it got,
1812 My dear, that I've not?"
1813 Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
1815 There once was a couple named Kelley,
1816 Who lived their life belly to belly.
1817 Because in their haste
1818 They used library paste,
1819 Instead of petroleum jelly.
1821 There once was a dentist named Stone
1822 Who saw all his patients alone.
1823 In a fit of depravity
1824 He filled the wrong cavity,
1825 And my, how his practice has grown!
1827 There once was a Duchess of Beever
1828 Who slept with her golden retriever.
1829 Said the potted old Duke:
1830 "Such tricks make me puke!
1831 Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
1833 There once was a Duchess of Bruges
1834 Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
1835 Said the king to this dame
1836 As he thunderously came:
1837 "Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
1839 There once was a fag of Khartoum
1840 Who spent the night in a Lesbian's room.
1841 They argued all night,
1842 Over who had the right,
1843 To do what, and with which, and to whom.
1845 There once was a fairy named Avers
1846 Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
1847 Though buggers all claimed
1848 That their asses were maimed,
1849 Sixty-niners all cheered the new flavors.
1851 There once was a fellow named Bob
1852 Who in sexual ways was a snob.
1853 One day he was swimmin'
1854 With twelve naked women
1855 And deserted them all for a gob.
1857 There once was a fellow named Brewster
1858 Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
1859 "It used to be grand
1861 You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
1863 There once was a fellow named Howard,
1864 Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
1865 While grabbing some ass,
1866 He reached critical mass,
1867 But think of the girl he deflowered!
1869 There once was a fellow named Potts
1870 Who was prone to having the trots
1871 But his humble abode
1872 Was without a commode
1873 So his carpet was covered with spots.
1875 There once was a fellow named Siegel
1876 Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
1877 But the mettlesome bitch
1878 Turned and said with a twitch,
1879 "It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
1881 There once was a fellow named Sweeney
1882 Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
1885 And slipped his amour a martini.
1887 There once was a fencer named Fisk,
1888 Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
1889 So fast was his action,
1890 The Fitzgerald contraction,
1891 Foreshortened his foil to a disk.
1893 There once was a fiesty young terrier
1894 Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
1895 He'd yip and he'd yap,
1896 Then leap up and snap;
1897 And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
1899 There once was a floozie named Annie
1900 Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
1902 Fifty cents for a suck,
1903 And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
1905 There once was a freshman named Lin,
1906 Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
1908 From a bible belt home,
1909 Said "This won't be much of a sin."
1911 There once was a gangster named Brown
1912 - the sneakiest bastard in town.
1913 He was caught by G-men
1915 Where the cops would slip and fall down.
1917 There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
1918 Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
1919 Sheep are just fine,
1921 But iguanas are Numero Uno."
1923 There once was a gay young Parisian
1924 Who screwed an appendix incision,
1925 And the girl of his choice
1926 Could hardly rejoice
1927 At the horrible lack of precision.
1929 There once was a girl from Cornell
1930 Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
1931 When you touched them they shrunk,
1932 Except when she was drunk,
1933 And then they got bigger than hell.
1935 There once was a girl from Decatur,
1936 Who got laid by a big alligator.
1938 The result of that screw,
1939 'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
1941 There once was a girl from Madras
1942 Who had such a beautiful ass -
1943 It was not round and pink
1944 (As you bastards think)
1945 But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
1947 There once was a girl from Spokane,
1948 Went to bed with a one-legged man.
1949 She said, "I know you--
1950 You've really got two!
1951 Why didn't you say so when we began?"
1953 There once was a girl named Irene
1954 Who lived on distilled kerosene
1955 But she started absorbin'
1957 And since then has never benzene.
1959 There once was a girl named Louise
1960 Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
1961 The crabs in her twat
1962 Tied the hairs in a knot
1963 And constructed a flying trapeze
1965 There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
1966 Who was diddled amazingly often.
1967 She was rogered by scores
1968 Who'd been turned down by whores,
1969 And was finally screwed in her coffin.
1971 There once was a girl named Priscilla
1972 Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
1973 The taste was so fine
1974 Man and beast stood in line
1975 (Including a stud armadilla).
1977 There once was a girl so lovely,
1978 Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
1979 She strapped on her tanks,
1980 And started her pranks,
1981 But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
1983 There once was a golfer named Leer,
1984 Who got put in the clink for a year,
1985 For an action obscene,
1986 On the very first green.
1987 Where the sign said "Enter course here."
1989 There once was a gouty old colonel
1990 Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
1991 And he cried in his tiffin
1992 For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
1993 And the size of the thing was infernal.
1995 There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
1996 Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
1997 But when I meet boys,
1999 Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
2001 There once was a hacker named Ken
2002 Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
2003 So he built him some chicks,
2005 And hasn't been heard from since then.
2007 There once was a handsome young seaman
2008 Who with ladies was really a demon.
2011 He could certainly dish out the semen.
2013 There once was a horny old bitch
2014 With a motorized self-frigger which
2015 She would use with delight
2016 All day long and all night -
2017 Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
2019 There once was a horse named Lily
2020 Whose dingus was really a dilly.
2021 It was vaginoid duply,
2022 And labial quadruply --
2023 In fact, he was really a filly.
2025 There once was a husky young Viking
2026 Whose sexual prowess was striking.
2027 Every time he got hot
2028 He would scour the twat
2029 Of some girl that might be to his liking.
2031 There once was a jolly old bloke
2032 Who picked up a girl for a poke.
2033 He took down her pants,
2034 Fucked her into a trance,
2035 And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
2037 There once was a kiddie named Carr
2038 Caught a man on top of his mar.
2039 As he saw him stick 'er,
2040 He said with a snicker,
2041 "You do it much faster than par."
2043 There once was a lady from Exeter,
2044 So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
2045 One was even so brave
2046 As to take out and wave
2047 The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
2049 There once was a lady from Kansas
2050 Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
2051 It was nine inches deep
2052 And the sides were quite steep --
2053 It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
2055 There once was a lady named Carter,
2056 Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
2057 She stripped off his pants,
2058 At his prick quickly glanced,
2059 And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
2061 There once was a lady named Clair,
2062 Who possessed a magnificent pair.
2063 Or that's what I thought,
2064 Till I saw one get caught,
2065 On a thorn and begin losing air.
2067 There once was a lady named Myrtle
2068 Who had an affair with a turtle.
2069 She had crabs, so they say,
2071 Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
2073 There once was a lawyer named Rex
2074 With minuscule organs of sex.
2075 Arraigned for exposure,
2076 He maintained with composure,
2077 "De minimis non curat lex."
2079 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.]
2081 There once was a lifeguard named Lee
2082 Who rescued a girl from the sea
2083 She asked how to pay,
2084 And he said "Try this way,
2085 Go down for the third time on me."
2087 There once was a maid from Mobile
2088 Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
2089 She only got thrills
2090 From pneumatic drills
2091 And an off-centered emery wheel.
2093 There once was a man from Bombay
2094 He would do it all night and all day
2096 You shoulda' heard him roar
2097 When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
2099 There once was a man from Calcutta
2100 Who used to beat off in the gutta
2103 And turned all his cream into butta!
2105 There once was a man from Dunoon,
2106 Who always ate soup with a fork.
2108 Either fish, foul or flesh,
2109 I otherwise finish too quick."
2111 There once was a man from Exameter
2112 Who had a prodigious diameter
2113 But it wasn't the size
2114 That brought forth the cries
2115 'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
2117 There once was a man from Madras,
2118 Whose balls were made out of brass.
2119 When they clanged together,
2120 They played "Stormy Weather",
2121 And lightning shot out of his ass.
2123 There once was a man from Nantee
2124 Who buggered an ape in a tree.
2125 The results were most horrid
2126 All ass and no forehead
2127 Three balls and a purple goatee.
2129 There once was a man from Nantucket
2130 Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
2131 His daughter, named Nan,
2132 Ran away with a man,
2133 And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
2135 The pair of them went to Manhasset,
2136 (Nan and the man with the asset.)
2137 Pa followed them there,
2138 But they left in a tear,
2139 And as for the asset, Manhasset.
2141 Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
2142 (Nan and the man with the bucket.)
2144 "You're welcome to Nan."
2145 But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
2147 There once was a man from Nantucket
2148 Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
2150 As he wiped off his chin,
2151 "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!"
2153 There once was a man from Racine,
2154 Who invented a screwing machine.
2155 Both concave and convex,
2156 It could please either sex,
2157 But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
2159 There once was a man from Sandem
2160 Who was making his girl on a tandem.
2161 At the peak of the make
2162 She jammed on the brake
2163 And scattered his semen at random.
2165 There once was a man from Sydney
2166 Who could put it up to her kidney.
2167 But the man from Quebec
2168 Put it up to her neck;
2169 He had a big one, now didn't he?
2171 There once was a man named Lodge,
2172 who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
2173 When his date was strapped in,
2175 without ever leaving the garage.
2177 There once was a man named McGruder,
2178 Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
2179 But the girl thought it crude,
2180 To be wooed in the nude,
2181 So McGru took an oar and subduder.
2183 There once was a man named McSweeny
2184 Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny.
2187 And slipped his girlfriend a martini.
2189 There once was a man named Parridge
2190 With peculiar views on marriage.
2191 He sucked off his brother,
2192 Fucked his own mother,
2193 And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
2195 There once was a man with a hernia
2196 Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
2197 When you work on my middle
2198 Be sure you don't fiddle
2199 With things that do not concern ya."
2201 There once was a member of Mensa
2202 Who was a most excellent fencer.
2203 The sword that he used
2204 Was his -- (line is refused,
2205 And has now been removed by the censor).
2207 There once was a miner named Dave,
2208 Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
2209 She was ugly as shit,
2210 And missing one tit,
2211 But think of the money he saves.
2213 There once was a monk of Camyre
2214 Who was seized with a carnal desire
2215 And the primary cause
2216 Was the abbess's drawers
2217 Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
2219 There once was a newspaper vendor,
2220 A person of dubious gender.
2221 He would charge one-and-two
2222 For permission to view
2223 His remarkable double pudenda.
2225 There once was a plumber from Leigh
2226 Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
2227 Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
2228 I think someone's coming!"
2229 Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."
2231 There once was a pretty young Mrs.
2232 Whose tearful but short story thrs.
2233 Her mind lost its grasp -
2234 Now she thinks she's an asp
2235 And just sits in the corner and hrs.
2237 There once was a queen of Bulgaria
2238 Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
2239 Till a prince from Peru
2240 Who came up for a screw
2241 Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
2243 There once was a reverend at Kings
2244 Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
2245 But his heart was on fire
2246 For a boy in the choir
2247 Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
2249 There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
2250 Who said, "They can all go to hell!
2251 What they do to my wife --
2252 Why it ruins my life;
2253 And the worst is they all do it well."
2255 There once was a sailor named Gasted,
2256 A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
2257 He could jerk himself off
2259 Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
2261 There once was a Scot named McAmeter
2262 With a tool of prodigious diameter.
2264 That caused such surprise;
2265 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
2267 There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
2268 Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
2269 Yet the girls he would dazzle,
2270 And fuck to a frazzle,
2271 And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
2273 There once was a spaceman named Spock
2274 Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
2275 A girl from Missouri
2276 Whose name was Uhura
2277 Just fainted away from the shock.
2279 There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
2280 Discovered his sex life was hapless:
2281 The more he would screw
2282 The more he'd want to,
2283 And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
2285 There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
2286 Whose gender was kept in the dark.
2287 He/she/it said with a nod,
2288 "My ancestors were odd!"
2289 Did Noah need two for the ark?
2291 There once was a whore from Regina
2292 Who had a stupendous vagina.
2293 To save herself time,
2294 She had six at a time,
2295 And another one working behind her.
2297 There once was a woman from Arden
2298 Who sucked off a man in a garden.
2299 He said, "My dear Flo,
2300 Where does all that stuff go?"
2301 And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
2303 There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
2304 Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
2305 But he lurked in the ditches
2306 And diddled the bitches
2307 Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
2309 There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
2310 And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
2311 She was ugly and smelly,
2312 With an awful pot-belly,
2313 But... well, they were caught in the rain.
2315 There once was a young girl from Natches
2316 Who chanced to be born with two snatches
2317 She often said, "Shit!
2319 For a guy with equipment that matches."
2321 There once was a young man from Boston
2322 Who drove around town in an Austin,
2323 There was room for his ass,
2324 And a gallon of gas,
2325 So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
2327 There once was a young man from France
2328 Who waited ten years for his chance;
2329 Then he muffed it...
2331 There once was a young man from Yuma
2332 Who attempted sex with a puma
2333 He gave up real quick
2334 Minus nose, toes, and prick
2335 In obvious pain and ill huma.
2337 There once was a young man from Yuma,
2338 Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
2339 Now his dry bleached bones lie,
2340 Under hot Asian skies,
2341 'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
2343 There once was a young man named Clyde
2344 Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
2345 He had a twin brother
2347 And now they're interred side by side.
2349 There once was a young man named Gene,
2350 Who invented a screwing machine.
2352 It served either sex,
2353 And it played with itself inbetween.
2355 There once was a young man named Lancelot
2356 Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
2357 For when he should pass
2359 The front of his pants would advance a lot.
2361 There once was an Arpanet freak,
2362 Who better response-time did seek.
2363 He searched coast to coast,
2364 For a reliable host,
2365 Whose logger took less than a week.
2367 There once was an old man from Esser,
2368 Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
2369 It at last grew so small,
2370 He knew nothing at all,
2371 And now he's a College Professor.
2373 There once were two brothers named Luntz
2374 Who buggered each other at once.
2375 When asked to account
2376 For this intricate mount,
2377 They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
2379 There once were two women from Birmingham.
2380 And this is the story concerning 'em.
2381 They lifted the frock
2382 And fondled the cock
2383 Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.
2385 There was a bluestocking in Florence
2386 Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
2387 Till a Spanish grandee,
2388 Got her off with his knee,
2389 And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
2391 There was a family named Doe,
2392 An ideal family to know.
2393 As father screwed mother,
2394 She said, "You're heavier than brother."
2395 And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
2397 There was a fat lady of China
2398 Who'd a really enormous vagina,
2399 And when she was dead
2400 They painted it red,
2401 And used it for docking a liner.
2403 There was a fat man from Rangoon
2404 Whose prick was much like a balloon.
2405 He tried hard to ride her
2406 And when finally inside her
2407 She thought she was pregnant too soon.
2409 There was a gay countess of Bray,
2410 And you may think it odd when I say,
2411 That in spite of high station,
2413 She always spelled cunt with a "k".
2415 There was a gay dog from Ontario
2416 Who fancied himself a Lothario.
2418 He'd snatch off his pants
2419 And make for her Mons Venerio.
2421 There was a gay parson of Norton
2422 Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
2423 To make up for this loss,
2424 He had balls like a horse,
2425 And never spent less than a quartern.
2427 There was a gay parson of Tooting
2428 Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
2429 Till he married a lass
2430 With a face like my arse,
2431 And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
2433 There was a girl from Aberystwyth
2434 Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
2435 The miller's son Jack
2436 Laid her flat on her back
2437 And united the organs they pissed with.
2439 There was a lewd fellow named Duff
2440 Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
2441 With his head in a whirl
2442 He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
2443 I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
2445 There was a man from Mich.
2446 Who used to wish and wich.
2447 That spring would come
2449 Around and go out fich.
2451 There was a pianist named Liszt
2452 Who played with one hand while he pissed,
2453 But as he grew older
2454 His technique grew bolder,
2455 And in concert jacked off with his fist.
2457 There was a poor parson from Goring,
2458 Who made a small hole in his flooring,
2459 Fur-lined it all round,
2460 Then laid on the ground,
2461 And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
2463 There was a strong man of Drumrig
2464 Who one day did seven times frig.
2465 He buggered three sailors,
2466 Four dogs and two tailors,
2467 And ended by fucking a pig.
2469 There was a teenager named Donna
2470 Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
2471 Two days out of three
2472 She would shoot LSD,
2473 And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
2475 There was a young belle of old Natchez
2476 Whose garments were always in patchez.
2478 On the state of her clothes
2479 She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
2481 There was a young blade from South Greece
2482 Whose bush did so greatly increase
2483 That before he could shack
2484 He must hunt needle in stack.
2485 'Twas as bad as being obese.
2487 There was a young bride, a Canuck,
2488 Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
2489 You say that I, maybe,
2490 Can have my first baby--
2491 Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
2493 There was a young bride of Antigua
2494 Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
2495 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
2496 Why, you've only felt my twot,
2497 My legs and my arse and my figua!"
2499 There was a young chap in Arabia
2500 Who courted a widow named Fabia.
2501 "Yes, my tongue is as long
2502 As the average man's dong,"
2503 He said, licking the lips of her labia.
2505 There was a young cook with the art
2506 Of making a delicious tart
2507 With a handful of shit,
2508 Some snot and some spit,
2509 And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
2511 There was a young curate whose brain
2512 Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
2513 He lured a small child
2514 To a copse dark and wild,
2515 Where he beat it to death with his cane.
2518 There was a young damsel named Baker
2519 Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
2520 He yelled, "My God! what
2521 Do you call this -- a twat?
2522 Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
2524 There was a young dolly named Molly
2525 Who thought that to frig was a folly.
2526 Said she, "Your pee-pee
2527 Means nothing to me,
2528 But I'll do it just to be jolly."
2530 There was a young fellow called Clyde
2531 Who fell in an outhouse and died.
2532 He had a twin brother
2534 So now they're interred side by side.
2536 There was a young fellow from Cal.,
2537 In bed with a passionate gal.
2538 He leapt from the bed,
2539 To the toilet he sped;
2540 Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
2542 There was a young fellow from Florida
2543 Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
2544 When they got into bed
2545 He cried, "God strike me dead!
2546 This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
2548 There was a young fellow from Kent
2549 Whose cock was so long that it bent
2550 To save himself trouble
2552 And instead of coming, he went.
2554 There was a young fellow from Leeds
2555 Who swallowed a package of seeds.
2556 Great tufts of grass
2557 Sprouted out of his ass
2558 And his balls were all covered with weeds.
2560 There was a young fellow from Parma
2561 Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
2562 Said the damsel demure,
2563 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
2564 But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
2566 There was a young fellow name Tucker
2567 Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
2568 Said, "Don't bow out your lips
2569 Like an elephant's hips,
2570 The boys like it best when they pucker."
2572 There was a young fellow named Ades
2573 Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
2574 But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
2575 And the knot holes in doors
2576 Were by no means exempt from his raids.
2578 There was a young fellow named Babbitt
2579 Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
2580 But a girl from Johore
2581 Could do it twice more,
2582 Which was just enough extra to crab it.
2584 There was a young fellow named Bill,
2585 Who took an atomic pill,
2587 His asshole exploded,
2588 And they found his nuts in Brazil.
2590 There was a young fellow named Blaine,
2591 And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
2592 She was ugly and smelly
2593 With an awful pot-belly,
2594 But... well, they were caught in the rain.
2596 There was a young fellow named Bliss
2597 Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
2599 His recalcitrant penis
2600 Would never do better than t
2606 There was a young fellow named Bowen
2607 Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
2608 It grew so tremendous,
2609 So long and so pendulous,
2610 'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
2612 There was a young fellow named Brewer
2613 Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
2614 Thus he, the poor soul,
2615 Could get into her hole,
2616 And still not be able to screw her!
2618 There was a young fellow named Case
2619 Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
2620 He licked his way clean
2621 Through Number thirteen,
2622 But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
2624 There was a young fellow named Charteris
2625 Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
2626 Said she, "I don't mind,
2627 And higher up you'll find
2628 The place where my fucker and farter is."
2630 There was a young fellow named Cribbs
2631 Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
2632 They were inches apart,
2633 And to suck it took art,
2634 While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
2636 There was a young fellow named dick
2637 Who had a magnificent prick.
2638 It was shaped like a prism
2639 And shot so much gism
2640 It made every cocksucker sick.
2642 There was a young fellow named Feeney
2643 Whose girl was a terrible meany.
2644 The hatch of her snatch
2645 Had a catch that would latch
2646 - She could only be screwed by Houdini.
2648 There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
2649 Was reputed an infamous lecher.
2650 When he'd take on a whore
2651 She'd need a rebore,
2652 And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
2654 There was a young fellow named Fyfe
2655 Whose marriage was ruined for life,
2656 For he had an aversion
2657 To every perversion,
2658 And only liked fucking his wife.
2660 Well, one year the poor woman struck,
2661 And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
2662 And said, "Where have you gotten us
2663 With your goddamn monotonous
2664 Fuck after fuck after fuck?
2666 "I once knew a harlot named Lou --
2667 And a versatile girl she was, too.
2668 After ten years of whoredom
2669 She perished of boredom
2670 When she married a jackass like you!"
2672 There was a young fellow named Gene
2673 Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
2674 He next picked his toes,
2675 And lastly his nose,
2676 And he never did wash in between.
2678 There was a young fellow named Gluck
2679 Who found himself shit out of luck.
2680 Though he petted and wooed,
2681 When he tried to get screwed
2682 He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
2684 There was a young fellow named Goody
2685 Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
2686 If he found himself nude
2687 With a gal in the mood
2688 The question's not woody but could he?
2690 There was a young fellow named Grant
2691 Who was made like the sensitive plant.
2692 When they asked "Do you fuck?"
2693 He replied, "No such luck.
2694 I would if I could, but I can't."
2696 There was a young fellow named Grimes
2697 Who fucked his girl seventeen times
2698 In the course of a week --
2699 And this isn't to speak
2700 Of assorted venereal crimes.
2702 There was a young fellow named Harry,
2703 Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
2704 He grabbed him a virgin,
2705 Who, without any urgin',
2706 Immediately spread like a fairy.
2708 There was a young fellow named Hatch
2709 Who was fond of the music of Bach.
2710 He said: "It's not fussy
2711 Like Brahms and Debussy;
2712 Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
2714 There was a young fellow named Kimble
2715 Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
2716 But fragile and slender,
2717 And dainty and tender,
2718 So he kept it encased in a thimble.
2720 There was a young fellow named Meek
2721 Who invented a lingual technique.
2722 It drove women frantic,
2723 And made them romantic,
2724 And wore all the hair off his cheek.
2726 There was a young fellow named Morgan
2727 Who possessed an unusual organ:
2728 The end of his dong,
2729 Which was nine inches long,
2730 Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
2732 There was a young fellow named Paul
2733 Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
2734 But the size of my prick
2735 Is God's dirtiest trick,
2736 For my girls always ask, `Is that all?'"
2738 There was a young fellow named Pell
2739 Who didn't like cunt very well.
2740 He would finger or fuck one,
2741 But never would suck one--
2742 He just couldn't get used to the smell.
2744 There was a young fellow named Price
2745 Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
2746 He had virgins and boys
2747 And mechanical toys,
2748 And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
2750 There was a young fellow named Prynne
2751 Whose prick was so short and so thin,
2752 His wife found she needed
2753 A Fuckoscope -- she did --
2754 To see if he'd gotten it in.
2756 There was a young fellow named Skinner
2757 Who took a young lady to dinner
2758 At a quarter to nine,
2759 They sat down to dine,
2760 At twenty to ten it was in her.
2761 The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
2763 There was a young fellow named Tupper
2764 Who took a young lady to supper.
2765 At a quarter to nine,
2766 They sat down to dine,
2767 And at twenty to ten it was up her.
2768 Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
2770 There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
2771 Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
2772 The hatch of her snatch,
2773 Had a catch that would latch,
2774 She could only be screwed by Houdini.
2776 There was a young fellow of Burma
2777 Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
2778 But now that he's married he's
2779 Been using cantharides
2780 And the root of their love is much firmer.
2782 There was a young fellow of Greenwich
2783 Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
2785 It was wound on a spool,
2786 And he reeled it out inich by inich.
2788 But this tale has an unhappy finich,
2789 For due to the sand in the spinach
2790 His ballocks grew rough
2791 And wrecked his wife's muff,
2792 And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
2794 There was a young fellow of Harrow
2795 Whose john was the size of a marrow.
2796 He said to his tart,
2797 "How's this for a start?
2798 My balls are outside in a barrow."
2800 There was a young fellow of Kent
2801 Whose prick was so long that it bent,
2802 So to save himself trouble
2803 He put it in double,
2804 And instead of coming he went.
2806 There was a young fellow of Mayence
2807 Who fucked his own arse in defiance
2809 And morals, dad-bust him,
2810 But of most of the known laws of science.
2812 There was a young fellow of Perth
2813 Whose balls were the finest on earth.
2814 They grew to such size
2815 That one won a prize,
2816 And goodness knows what they were worth.
2818 There was a young fellow of Strensall
2819 Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
2820 On the night of his wedding
2821 It went through the bedding,
2822 And shattered the chamber utensil.
2824 There was a young fellow of Warwick
2825 Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
2826 For he could by election
2827 Have triune erection:
2828 Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
2830 There was a young fellow whose dong
2831 Was prodigiously massive and long.
2832 On each side of his whang
2834 That attracted a curious throng.
2836 There was a young gaucho named Bruno
2837 Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
2839 And a sheep is divine,
2840 But a llama is Numero Uno."
2842 There was a young gaucho named Bruno
2843 Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
2845 And children devine,
2846 But the llama is numero uno."
2848 There was a young German named Ringer
2849 Who was screwing an opera singer.
2850 Said he with a grin,
2851 "Well, I've sure got it in!"
2852 Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
2854 There was a young girl from Annista
2855 Who dated a lecherous mister.
2856 He fondled her titty,
2857 Got one finger shitty,
2858 Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
2860 There was a young girl from Decatur
2861 Who was raped by an alligator.
2862 But no one quite knew
2863 How she relished that screw,
2864 For after he screwed her, he ate her.
2866 There was a young girl from Dundee,
2867 From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
2868 No one ate the nice fruit,
2869 To tell you the truth,
2870 Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
2872 There was a young girl from East Lynn
2873 Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
2874 Had filled up her crack
2875 With hard-setting shellac,
2876 But the boys picked it out with a pin.
2878 There was a young girl from Hong Kong
2879 Who said, "You are utterly wrong
2881 Is the largest in China
2882 Just because of your mean little dong."
2884 There was a young girl from Hong Kong
2885 Whose cervical cap was a gong.
2886 She said with a yell,
2887 As a shot rang her bell,
2888 "I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
2890 There was a young girl from Medina
2891 Who could completely control her vagina.
2892 She could twist it around
2893 Like the cunts that are found
2894 In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
2896 There was a young girl from New York
2897 Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
2899 Made the grade it is true,
2900 But it totally baffled the stork.
2902 Till along came a man who presented
2903 A tool that was strangely indented.
2904 With a dizzying twirl
2905 He punctured that girl,
2906 And thus was the cork-screw invented.
2908 There was a young girl from New York
2909 Who plugged up her quim with a cork
2911 Made the grade, it is true,
2912 But it totally baffled the stork.
2914 There was a young girl from Peru,
2915 Who had nothing whatever to do.
2916 So she sat on the stairs,
2917 And counted cunt hairs,
2918 Four thousand, three hundred and two.
2920 There was a young girl from Peru,
2921 Who noticed her lovers were few;
2922 So she walked out her door
2923 With a fig leaf, no more,
2924 And now she's in bed - with the flu.
2926 There was a young girl from Samoa
2927 Who pledged that no man would know her.
2928 One young fellow tried,
2929 But she wriggled aside,
2930 And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
2932 There was a young girl from Seattle,
2933 Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
2934 But a bull from the South
2935 Shot a wad in her mouth
2936 That made both her ovaries rattle.
2938 There was a young girl from Siam
2939 Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
2940 "To seduce me, of course,
2941 You'll have to use force,
2942 And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
2944 There was a young girl from St. Cyr
2945 Whose reflex reactions were queer.
2946 Her escort said, "Mable,
2947 Get up off the table;
2948 That money's to pay for the beer."
2950 There was a young girl from St. Paul
2951 Who went to a newspaper ball.
2952 Her dress caught on fire
2953 And burnt her entire
2954 Front page and sport section and all.
2956 There was a young girl from the Bronix
2957 Who had a vagina of onyx.
2958 She had so much `tsoris'
2960 She traded it in for a Packard.
2962 There was a young girl from the coast
2963 Who, just when she needed it most,
2964 Lost her Kotex and bled
2966 And the head and the beard of her host.
2968 There was a young girl in Berlin
2969 Who eked out a living through sin.
2970 She didn't mind fucking,
2971 But much preferred sucking,
2972 And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
2974 There was a young girl in Berlin
2975 Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
2976 Though he diddled his best,
2977 And fucked her with zest,
2978 She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
2980 There was a young girl in Dakota
2981 Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
2983 We are rationing ass,
2984 And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
2986 There was a young girl name McKnight
2987 Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
2989 With a split maidenhead--
2990 That's the last time she ever was tight.
2992 There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
2993 Who swore that no man could surprise her.
2994 But Pabst took a chance,
2995 Found a Schlitz in her pants,
2996 And now she is sadder Budweiser.
2998 There was a young girl named Heather
2999 Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
3000 She made a queer noise,
3001 Which attracted the boys,
3002 By flapping the edges together.
3004 There was a young girl named McCall
3005 Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
3006 But the size of her anus
3007 Was something quite heinous --
3008 It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
3010 There was a young girl named O'Clare
3011 Whose body was covered with hair.
3012 It was really quite fun
3013 To probe with one's gun,
3014 For her quimmy might be anywhere.
3016 There was a young girl named O'Malley
3017 Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
3018 She got roars of applause
3019 When she kicked off her drawers,
3020 But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
3022 There was a young girl named Sapphire
3023 Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
3024 She said, "It's a sin,
3025 But now that it's in,
3026 Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
3028 There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
3029 Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
3030 She tickled the balls
3031 Of the men in the halls,
3032 And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
3034 There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
3035 Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
3036 The miller's sun, Jack,
3037 Laid her flat on her back,
3038 And united the organs they pissed with.
3040 There was a young girl of Angina
3041 Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
3042 From the love-making frock
3043 (With the proper sized cock)
3044 Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
3046 There was a young girl of Asturias
3047 With a penchant for practices curious.
3048 She loved to bat rocks
3049 With her gentlemen's cocks --
3050 A practice both rude and injurious.
3052 There was a young girl of Batonger
3053 who diddled herself with a conger,
3054 When asked how it feels
3055 To be pleasured by eels
3056 She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
3058 There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
3059 Had a very capricious vagina:
3060 To the shock of the fucker
3061 "Twould suddenly pucker,
3062 And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
3064 There was a young girl of Cape Cod
3065 Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
3066 But it wasn't Jehovah
3067 That turned the girl over,
3068 'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
3069 the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
3071 There was a young girl of Cape Town
3072 Who usually fucked with a clown.
3073 He taught her the trick
3074 Of sucking his prick,
3075 And when it went up -- she went down.
3077 There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
3078 Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
3079 She was fucked at the show
3080 In the twenty-third row,
3081 And once more going home in the taxi.
3083 There was a young girl of Darjeeling
3084 Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
3085 There was never a sound
3087 Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
3089 There was a young girl of Des Moines
3090 Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
3091 Till a guy from Hoboken
3092 Went and dropped in a token,
3093 And now she rides free on the ferry.
3095 There was a young girl of Detroit
3096 Who at fucking was very adroit:
3097 She could squeeze her vagina
3098 To a pin-point, or finer,
3099 Or open it out like a quoit.
3101 And she had a friend named Durand
3102 Whose cock could contract or expand.
3103 He could diddle a midge
3104 Or the arch of a bridge --
3105 Their performance together was grand!
3107 There was a young girl of East Lynne
3108 Whose mother, to save her from sin,
3109 Had filled up her crack,
3110 To the brim with shellac,
3111 But the boys picked it out with a pin.
3113 There was a young girl of Gibraltar
3114 Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
3117 Should answer her prayers and assault her.
3119 There was a young girl of LLewellyn
3120 Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
3121 They were big it is true,
3122 But her cunt was big too,
3123 Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
3124 Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
3126 There was a young girl of Mobile,
3127 Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
3128 To give her a thrill,
3129 Took a rotary drill,
3130 Or a number nine emery wheel.
3132 There was a young girl of Moline
3133 Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
3134 She would work on a prick
3135 With every known trick,
3136 And finish by winking it clean.
3138 There was a young girl of Newcastle
3139 Whose charms were declared universal.
3140 While one man in front
3141 Wired into her cunt,
3142 Another was engaged at her arsehole.
3144 There was a young girl of Pawtucket
3145 Whose box was as big as a bucket.
3146 Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
3147 I'll have to wear boots,
3148 For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
3150 There was a young girl of Penzance
3151 Who boarded a bus in a trance.
3152 The passengers fucked her,
3153 Likewise the conductor,
3154 While the driver shot off in his pants.
3156 There was a young girl of Pitlochry
3157 Who was had by a man in a rockery.
3158 She said, "Oh! You've come
3160 This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
3162 There was a young girl of Rangoon
3163 Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
3164 "Well, it has been great fun,"
3165 She remarked when he'd done,
3166 "But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
3168 There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
3169 Whose people all thought her a virgin,
3170 Till they found her in bed
3171 With her twat very red,
3172 And the head of a kid just emergin'.
3174 There was a young girl, very sweet,
3175 Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
3176 When she sat on their lap
3177 She unbuttoned their flap,
3178 And always had plenty to eat.
3180 There was a young girl who begat
3181 Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
3182 T'was fun in the breeding
3183 But hell in the feeding
3184 When she found there's no tit for Tat.
3186 There was a young girl who begat
3187 Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
3188 It was fun in the breeding,
3189 But hell in the feeding,
3190 When she found there was no tit for Tat.
3192 There was a young harlot from Kew
3193 Who filled her vagina with glue.
3194 She said with a grin,
3195 "If they pay to get in,
3196 They'll pay to get out of it too."
3198 There was a young harlot named Schwartz
3199 Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
3200 And they tickled so nice
3201 She drew a high price
3202 From the studs at the summer resorts.
3204 Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
3205 Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
3206 For according to rumor
3207 His tool had a tumor
3208 And a fine row of warts down the middle.
3210 There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
3211 Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
3212 The knob out in front
3214 Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
3216 There was a young idler named Blood,
3217 Made a fortune performing at stud,
3218 With a fifteen-inch peter,
3219 A double-beat metre,
3220 And a load like the Biblical Flood.
3222 There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
3223 Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
3224 Perceiving his error,
3226 Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
3228 There was a young lad - name of Durcan
3229 Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
3230 His father said, "Durcan
3231 Stop jerkin' your gherkin
3232 Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
3234 There was a young lad from Nahant
3235 Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
3236 When asked, "Do you fuck?"
3237 He replied, "No such luck.
3238 I would if I could but I can't."
3240 There was a young lad from Siam,
3241 Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
3242 He loved them real small,
3243 'Cause they're funner to ball,
3244 So he went out and bought him a lamb!
3246 There was a young lad name of Durcan
3247 Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
3248 His father said, "Durcan!
3249 Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
3250 Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
3252 There was a young lad name of Ward
3253 Who strung himself up with a cord
3254 Said he, of his work
3255 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
3256 "I am leaving because I am bored."
3259 There was a young lad named McFee
3260 Who was stung in the balls by a bee
3261 He made oodles of money
3262 By oozing pure honey
3263 Every time he attempted to pee.
3265 There was a young lady at sea
3266 Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
3267 Said the brawny old mate,
3268 "That accounts for the state
3269 Of the cook and the captain and me."
3271 There was a young lady at sea
3272 Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
3273 "I see," said the mate,
3274 "That accounts for the state
3275 Of the captain, the purser, and me."
3277 There was a young lady called Ciss
3278 Who went to the river to piss.
3279 A young man in a punt
3280 Put his hand on her cunt;
3281 No wonder she thought it was bliss.
3283 There was a young lady from Bangor
3284 Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
3286 When she heard the mate say:
3287 "Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
3289 There was a young lady from Bright,
3290 Whose speed was much faster than light.
3291 She went out one day
3293 And returned on the previous night.
3295 There was a young lady from Bristol
3296 Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
3297 Said she, "It's all glass,
3298 And as round as my ass,"
3299 And she farted as loud as a pistol.
3301 There was a young lady from Brussels
3302 Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
3303 She could easily plex them
3304 And so interflex them
3305 As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
3307 There was a young lady from Drew
3308 Who ended her verse at line two.
3310 There was a young lady from Dumfries
3311 Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
3312 My navel's all bare,
3313 So stick it in there,
3314 Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
3316 There was a young lady from Exeter,
3317 So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
3318 One was even so brave
3319 As to take out and wave
3320 The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
3322 There was a young lady from Hyde
3323 Who ate a green apple and died.
3324 While her lover lamented
3326 And made cider inside her inside.
3328 There was a young lady from Maine
3329 Who claimed she had men on her brain.
3330 But you knew from the view,
3331 As her abdomen grew,
3332 It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
3334 There was a young lady from Munich
3335 Who had an affair with a eunuch.
3336 At the height of their passion
3337 He dealt her a ration
3338 From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
3340 There was a young lady from Norway
3341 Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
3342 She told her young man,
3344 I think I've discovered one more way"
3346 There was a young lady from Prentice
3347 Who had an affair with a dentist.
3348 To make things easier
3350 And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
3352 There was a young lady from Rheims
3353 Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
3354 A friend poked around
3355 And a fly-button found
3356 Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
3358 There was a young lady from Rio
3359 Who slept with the Fornier trio.
3360 As she dropped her panties
3361 She said, "No andantes,
3362 I want this allegro con brio!"
3364 There was a young lady from Siam
3365 Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
3366 "You may kiss me of course,
3367 But you'll have to use force.
3368 Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
3370 There was a young lady from Spain
3371 Who demurely undressed on a train.
3372 A helpful young porter
3373 Helped more than he orter,
3374 And she promptly cried "Help me again"
3376 There was a young lady from Spain
3377 Who got sick as she rode on a train;
3378 Not once, but again,
3379 And again, and again,
3380 And again, and again, and again.
3382 There was a young lady from Spain
3383 Whose face was exceedingly plain,
3384 But her cunt had a pucker
3385 That made the men fuck her,
3386 Again, and again, and again.
3388 There was a young lady from Troy
3389 Had a moustache, just like a young boy
3390 Though it tickled to kiss
3391 'Twas a source of much bliss
3392 When she used it to brush a man's toy.
3394 There was a young lady from Wheeling
3395 Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
3396 But a cynic named Boris
3397 Just touched her clitoris
3398 And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
3400 There was a young lady from Wheeling
3401 Who had a peculiar feeling.
3402 She laid on her back
3403 And tickled her crack
3404 And pissed all over the ceiling.
3406 There was a young lady from Wooster
3407 Who complained that too many men gooster.
3408 So she traded her scanties
3409 For sandpaper panties,
3410 Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
3412 There was a young lady in Reno,
3413 Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
3414 But she lay on her back,
3415 And opened her crack,
3416 So now she owns the Casino!
3418 There was a young lady named Alice
3419 Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
3420 'Twas the common belief
3421 It was done for relief,
3422 And not out of protestant malice.
3424 There was a young lady named Astor
3425 Who never let any get past her.
3426 She finally got plenty
3428 Which certainly ought to last her.
3430 There was a young lady named Banker,
3431 Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
3433 When she heard the mate say,
3434 "Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
3436 There was a young lady named Blount
3437 Who had a rectangular cunt.
3438 She learned for diversion
3439 Posterior perversion,
3440 Since no one could fit here in front.
3442 There was a young lady named Bower
3443 Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
3444 But a poet from Perth
3445 Laid her flat on the earth,
3446 And proceeded with penis to plough her.
3448 There was a young lady named Brent
3449 With a cunt of enormous extent,
3450 And so deep and so wide,
3451 The acoustics inside
3452 Were so good you could hear when you spent.
3454 There was a young lady named Bright
3455 Who could travel much faster than light.
3456 She took off one day,
3458 And returned on the previous night.
3460 There was a young lady named Brook
3461 Who never could learn how to cook.
3463 She could please any man-
3464 She knew every darn trick in the book!
3466 There was a young lady named Cager
3467 Who, as the result of a wager,
3469 The entire oboe part
3470 Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
3472 There was a young lady named Ciss
3473 Who said, "I think skating's a bliss"
3474 But she'll never restate,
3475 For a wheel off her skate
3476 .siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
3478 There was a young lady named Clair
3479 Who possessed a magnificent pair;
3480 At least so I thought
3481 Till I saw one get caught
3482 On a thorn, and begin losing air.
3484 There was a young lady named Dot
3485 Whose cunt was so terribly hot
3486 That ten bishops of Rome
3487 And the Pope's private gnome
3488 Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
3490 There was a young lady named Duff
3491 With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
3492 In his haste to get in her
3494 Lost both of his balls in the rough.
3496 There was a young lady named Etta
3497 Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
3498 Three reasons she had:
3499 To keep warm wasn't bad,
3500 But the other two reasons were betta.
3502 There was a young lady named Fleager
3503 Who was terribly, terribly eager
3505 On the tragedy stage,
3506 Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
3509 There was a young lady named Flo
3510 Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
3511 So they tried it all night,
3512 Till he got it just right...
3513 Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
3515 There was a young lady named Flynn
3516 Who thought fornication a sin,
3517 But when she was tight
3518 It seemed quite all right,
3519 So everyone filled her with gin.
3521 There was a young lady named Gilda
3522 Who went on a date with a builder.
3523 He said that he would,
3524 And he could and he should,
3525 And he did and it damn well near killed her.
3527 There was a young lady named Gloria
3528 Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
3529 And then by six men,
3531 And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
3533 There was a young lady named Gloria,
3534 Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
3535 She replied to the chap,
3536 "I'll draw you a map,
3537 Of where others have been to before ya."
3539 There was a young lady named Grace
3540 Who would not take a prick in her "place."
3541 Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
3542 She never would fuck it--
3543 She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
3545 There was a young lady named Hall,
3546 Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
3547 The dress caught on fire
3548 And burned her entire
3549 Front page, sporting section, and all.
3551 There was a young lady named Hatch
3552 Who would always come through in a scratch.
3553 If a guy wouldn't neck her,
3554 She'd grab up his pecker
3555 And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
3557 There was a young lady named Mable
3558 Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
3559 Then cry to her man,
3560 "Stuff in all you can --
3561 Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
3563 There was a young lady named Mandel
3564 Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
3566 On the main village square
3567 And frigging herself with a candle.
3569 There was a young lady named Maud,
3570 A terrible society fraud:
3571 In company, I'm told,
3572 She was distant and cold,
3573 But if you got her alone, Oh God!
3575 There was a young lady named May
3576 Who strolled in a park by the way,
3577 And she met a young man
3578 Who fucked her and ran --
3579 Now she goes to the park every day.
3581 There was a young lady named Nance
3582 Who learned about fucking in France,
3583 And when you'd insert it
3584 She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
3585 And shoved it right back in your pants.
3587 There was a young lady named Nelly
3588 Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
3589 They could tickle her twat
3590 Or be tied in a knot,
3591 And could even swat flies on her belly.
3593 There was a young lady named Ransom
3594 Who was raped three times in a hansom
3595 When she cried out for more
3596 Said a voice from the floor,
3597 "My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson
3599 There was a young lady named Ransom
3600 Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
3601 When she cried out for more
3602 A voice from the floor
3603 Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
3605 There was a young lady named Riddle
3606 Who had an untouchable middle.
3607 She had many friends
3608 Because of her ends,
3609 Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
3611 There was a young lady named Rose
3612 Who fainted whenever she chose;
3614 While playing croquet,
3615 But was quickly revived with a hose.
3618 There was a young lady named Rose
3619 With erogenous zones in her toes.
3620 She remained onanistic
3621 Till a foot-fetishistic
3622 Young man became one of her beaux.
3624 There was a young lady named Schneider
3625 Who often kept trysts with a spider.
3626 She found a strange bliss,
3627 In the hiss of her piss,
3628 As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
3630 There was a young lady named Smith
3631 Whose virtue was largely a myth.
3632 She said, "Try as I can
3634 Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
3636 There was a young lady named Twiss
3637 Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
3638 For it tickled her bum
3639 And caused her to come
3640 .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
3642 There was a young lady named Wylde
3643 Who kept herself quite undefiled
3644 By thinking of Jesus;
3645 Contagious diseases;
3646 And the bother of having a child.
3648 There was a young lady of Arden,
3649 The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
3650 Said she with a frown,
3651 "I've been sadly let down
3652 By the tool of a fool in a garden."
3654 There was a young lady of Bicester
3655 Who was nicer by far than her sister:
3656 The sister would giggle
3657 And wiggle and jiggle,
3658 But this one would come if you kissed her.
3660 There was a young lady of Brabant
3661 Who slept with an impotent savant.
3662 She admitted, "We shouldn't,
3663 But it turned out he couldn't-
3664 So you can't say we have when we haven't."
3666 There was a young lady of Bude
3667 Who walked down the street in the nude.
3668 A bobby said, "Whattum
3669 Magnificent bottom!"
3670 And slapped it as hard as he could.
3672 There was a young lady of Carmia
3673 Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
3675 She would climb in your lab,
3676 So her little base burner could warm ya.
3678 There was a young lady of Dee
3679 Who went down to the river to pee.
3681 Put his hand on her cunt,
3682 And God! how I wish it were me.
3684 There was a young lady of Dee
3685 Whose hymen was split into three.
3686 And when she was diddled
3687 The middle string fiddled:
3688 "Nearer My God To Thee."
3690 There was a young lady of Dexter
3691 Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
3692 For whenever they'd start
3693 He'd unfailingly fart
3694 With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
3696 There was a young lady of Dover
3697 Whose passion was such that it drove her
3698 To cry, when you came,
3699 "Oh dear! What a shame!
3700 Well, now we shall have to start over."
3702 There was a young lady of Ealing
3703 And her lover before her was kneeling.
3704 Said she, "Dearest Jim,
3705 Take your hands off my quim;
3706 I much prefer fucking to feeling."
3708 There was a young lady of fashion
3709 Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
3710 To her lover she said,
3711 As they climbed into bed,
3712 "Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
3714 There was a young lady of Fez
3715 Who was known to the public as "Jez."
3716 Jezebel was her name,
3717 Sucking cocks was the game
3718 She excelled at (so everyone says).
3720 There was a young lady of Gaza
3721 Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
3722 The crabs, in a lump,
3723 Made tracks to her rump--
3724 This passing parade did amaze her.
3726 There was a young lady of Gloucester,
3727 Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
3728 She wasn't much hurt,
3729 But he dirtied her skirt,
3730 So think of the anguish it cost her.
3732 There was a young lady of Gloucester
3733 Whose friends they thought they had lost her
3734 Till they found on the grass
3735 The marks of her arse,
3736 And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
3738 There was a young lady of Kent,
3739 Who admitted she knew what it meant
3740 When men asked her to dine,
3741 And plied her with wine,
3742 She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
3744 There was a young lady of Lee
3745 Who scrambled up into a tree,
3747 Her arsehole was bare,
3748 And so was her C U N T.
3750 There was a young lady of Lincoln
3751 Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
3752 So she had a prick lent her
3753 Which turned it magenta,
3754 This artful old lady of Lincoln.
3756 There was a young lady of Natchez
3757 Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
3758 And she often said, "Shit!
3759 Why, I'd give either tit
3760 For a man with equipment that matches."
3762 There was a young fellow named Locke
3763 Who was born with a two-headed cock.
3764 When he'd fondle the thing
3765 It would rise up and sing
3766 An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
3768 But whether these two ever met
3769 Has not been recorded as yet,
3770 Still, it would be diverting
3771 To see him inserting
3772 His whang while it sang a duet.
3774 There was a young lady of Norway
3775 Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
3776 She said to her beau
3777 "Just look at me Joe
3778 I think I've discovered one more way."
3780 There was a young lady of Rhyll
3781 In an omnibus was taken ill,
3782 So she called the conductor,
3783 Who got in and fucked her,
3784 Which did more good than a pill.
3786 There was a young lady of Spain
3787 Who took down her pants on a train.
3788 There was a young porter
3789 Saw more than he orter,
3790 And asked her to do it again.
3792 There was a young lady of Spain
3793 Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
3795 And again and again,
3796 And again and again and again.
3798 There was a young lady of Twickenham
3799 Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
3800 On her knees every day
3801 To God she would pray
3802 To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
3804 There was a young lady of Wheeling
3805 Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
3807 Has need of a plug" --
3808 And straightaway she started to peeling.
3810 There was a young lady of Wheeling
3811 Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
3812 But a cynic named Boris
3813 Just touched her clitoris,
3814 And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
3816 There was a young lady who said,
3817 As her bridegroom got into the bed,
3818 "I'm tired of this stunt,
3819 That they do with one's cunt,
3820 You can get up my bottom instead."
3822 There was a young lady whose cunt
3823 Could accommodate a small punt.
3824 Her mother said, "Annie,
3825 It matches your fanny,
3826 Which never was that of a runt."
3828 There was a young lady whose thighs,
3829 When spread showed a slit of such size,
3830 And so deep and so wide,
3831 You could play cards inside,
3832 Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
3834 There was a young lass from Surat.
3835 The cheeks of her ass were so fat
3836 That they had to be parted
3837 Whenever she farted,
3838 And also whenever she shat.
3840 There was a young laundress named Wrangle
3841 Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
3842 "They may tickle my chin,"
3843 She said with a grin,
3844 "But at least they keep out of the mangle."
3846 There was a young maiden from Osset
3847 Whose quim was nine inches across it.
3848 Said a young man named Tong,
3849 With tool nine inches long,
3850 "I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
3852 There was a young man from Bear Ridge
3853 Who had strange ideas about marriage.
3854 He fucked his wife's mother
3855 And sucked off her brother
3856 And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
3858 There was a young man from Bel-Aire
3859 Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
3860 But the banister broke
3861 So he doubled his stroke
3862 And finished her off in mid-air.
3864 There was a young man from Bengal
3865 Who claimed he had only one ball,
3866 But two little bitches
3867 Pulled down this man's breeches
3868 And proved he had nothing at all.
3870 There was a young man from Biloxi
3871 Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
3872 Drinking glass after glass,
3873 He would tune up his ass,
3874 Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
3876 There was a young man from Bombay
3877 Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
3878 But the heat of his prick
3879 Turned it into a brick
3880 And rubbed all his foreskin away.
3882 There was a young man from Boston
3883 Who rode around in an Austin.
3884 There was room for his ass
3885 And a gallon of gas,
3886 But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
3888 There was a young man from Calcutta
3889 Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
3890 "If her Bartholin glands
3891 Don't respond to my hands,
3892 I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
3894 There was a young man from Dallas
3895 Who had an exceptional phallus.
3896 He couldn't find room
3898 Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
3900 There was a young man from Dundee
3901 Who buggered an ape in a tree.
3902 The results were quite horrid:
3903 All ass and no forehead,
3904 Three balls and a purple goatee.
3906 There was a young man from East Lizes
3907 Whose balls were of two different sizes
3909 It was no ball at all
3910 The other was large and won prizes.
3912 There was a young man from East Wubley
3913 Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
3914 Each quadruplicate shaft
3915 Had two balls hanging aft,
3916 And the general effect was quite lovely.
3918 There was a young man from Hong Kong
3919 Who had a trifurcated prong:
3920 A small one for sucking,
3921 A large one for fucking,
3922 And a `boney' for beating a gong.
3924 There was a young man from Glengozzle
3925 Who found a remarkable fossil.
3927 And the wart on the end,
3928 'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
3930 There was a young man from Jodhpur
3931 Who found he could easily cure
3934 Served up in a sauce of manure.
3936 There was a young man from Kent
3937 Whose tool was so long that it bent.
3938 To save himself trouble
3940 And instead of coming, he went.
3942 There was a young man from Lynn
3943 Whose cock was the size of a pin.
3944 Said his girl with a laugh
3945 As she felt his staff,
3946 "This won't be much of a sin."
3948 There was a young man from Maine
3949 Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
3950 It was almost as long,
3951 So he strolled with his dong
3952 Extended in sunshine and rain.
3954 There was a young man from Nantucket
3955 Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
3956 But he looked in the glass,
3957 And saw his own ass,
3958 And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
3960 There was a young man from New Haven
3961 Who had an affair with a raven.
3963 As he wiped off his chin,
3966 There was a young man from Peru,
3967 Who took a long trip by canoe.
3968 While staring at Venus,
3969 And rubbing his penis,
3970 He wound up with a handful of goo.
3972 There was a young man from Purdue
3973 Who was only just learning to screw,
3974 But he hadn't the knack,
3975 And he got too far back --
3976 In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
3978 There was a young man from Racine
3979 Who invented a fucking machine.
3981 It served either sex,
3982 But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
3984 There was a young man from Rangoon
3985 Who used to lament 'neath the moon
3986 That he had the luck
3987 To be born of a fuck
3988 That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
3990 There was a young man from Salinas
3991 Who had an extremely long penis:
3993 When he lay on his cot
3994 It reached from Marin to Martinez.
3996 There was a young man from Seattle
3997 Whose testicles tended to rattle.
3998 He said as he fuck-ed
3999 Some stones in a bucket,
4000 "If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
4002 There was a young man from Siam
4003 Who said, "I go in with a wham,
4004 But I soon lose my starch
4005 Like the mad month of March,
4006 And the lion comes out like a lamb."
4008 There was a young man from St. Paul's
4009 Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
4010 Till he grew such a passion
4011 For feminine fashion
4012 That he knitted a snood for his balls.
4014 There was a young man from Stamboul
4015 Who boasted so torrid a tool
4016 That each female crater
4017 Explored by this satyr
4018 Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
4020 There was a young man from Tibet-
4021 And this is the strangest one yet-
4022 Whose tool was so long,
4023 So pointed and strong,
4024 He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
4026 There was a young man in Havana,
4027 Banged his girl on a player-piana.
4028 At the height of their fever
4029 Her ass hit the lever
4030 And: yes, he has no banana.
4032 There was a young man in Norway,
4033 Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
4034 But the air was so frigid
4035 It froze his cock rigid,
4036 And all he could come was frappe.
4038 There was a young man in the choir
4039 Whose penis rose higher and higher,
4040 Till it reached such a height
4041 It was quite out of sight --
4042 But of course you know I'm a liar.
4044 There was a young man, name of Fred,
4045 Who spent every Thursday in bed;
4046 He lay with his feet
4047 Outside of the sheet,
4048 And the pillows on top of his head.
4051 There was a young man, name of Saul,
4052 Who was able to bounce either ball,
4053 He could stretch them and snap them,
4054 And juggle and clap them,
4055 Which earned him the plaudits of all.
4057 There was a young man named Crockett
4058 Whose balls got caught in a socket.
4059 His wife was a bitch
4060 So she threw the switch,
4061 And Crockett went off like a rocket.
4063 There was a young man named Hughes
4064 Who swore off all kinds of booze.
4065 He said, "When I'm muddled
4066 My senses get fuddled,
4067 And I pass up too many screws."
4069 There was a young man named Knute
4070 Who had warts all over his root.
4071 He put acid on these
4072 And now when he pees,
4073 He fingers the thing like a flute.
4075 There was a young man named Laplace
4076 Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
4077 When they banged together
4078 They played "Stormy Weather"
4079 And lightning shot out of his ass.
4081 There was a young man named McNamiter
4082 With a tool of prodigious diameter.
4083 But it wasn't the size
4084 Gave the girls a surprise,
4085 But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
4087 There was a young man named Rex
4088 Who really was small for his sex.
4089 When tried for exposure
4090 The judge's disclosure
4091 Was "de minimus non curat lex."
4093 There was a young man named Zerubbabel
4094 Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
4095 When they asked if his pleasure
4096 Was only half measure,
4097 He replied, "That is highly improbable."
4099 There was a young man named Zerubbabub
4100 Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
4101 But the pride of his life
4102 Were the tits of his wife --
4103 One real, and one India-rubber bub.
4105 There was a young man of Arras
4106 Who stretched himself out on the grass,
4107 And with no little trouble,
4108 He bent himself double,
4109 And stuck his prick well up his ass.
4111 There was a young man of Australia
4112 Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
4115 And a bishop in fullest regalia.
4117 There was a young man of Belgrade
4118 Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
4119 I will suck, without charge,
4120 Any cock, if it's large.
4121 If it's small, I expect to be paid."
4123 There was a young man of Belgrade
4124 Who slept with a girl in the trade.
4125 She said to him, "Jack,
4126 Try the hole in the back;
4127 The front one is badly decayed."
4129 There was a young man of Bengal
4130 Who swore he had only one ball,
4131 But two little bitches
4132 Unbuttoned his britches,
4133 And found he had no balls at all.
4135 There was a young man of Bombay
4136 Who buggered his dad once a day.
4137 He said, "I like, rather,
4138 Fucking my father --
4139 He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
4141 There was a young man of Calcutta,
4142 Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
4145 Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
4147 There was a young man of Cape Horn
4148 Who wished he had never been born,
4149 And he wouldn't have been
4150 If his father had seen
4151 That the end of the rubber was torn.
4153 There was a young man of Coblenz
4154 Whose ballocks were simply immense:
4155 It took forty-four draymen,
4156 A priest and three laymen
4157 To carry them thither and thence.
4159 There was a young man of Darjeeling
4160 Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
4161 In the electric light socket,
4162 He'd put it and rock it--
4163 Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
4165 There was a young man of Devizes
4166 Whose balls were of different sizes.
4167 His tool when at ease,
4168 Hung down to his knees,
4169 Oh, what must it be when it rises!
4171 There was a young man of Devizes,
4172 Whose balls were of different sizes.
4174 It was nothing at all;
4175 The other took numerous prizes.
4177 There was a young man of Dumfries
4178 Who said to his girl, "If you please,
4179 It would give me great bliss
4180 If, while playing with this,
4181 You would pay some attention to these!"
4183 There was a young man of Greenwich
4184 Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
4185 So long was his tool
4186 That it wound round a spool,
4187 And he let it out inach by inach.
4189 There was a young man of high station
4190 Who was found by a pious relation
4191 Making love in a ditch
4192 To -- I won't say a bitch --
4193 But a woman of no reputation.
4195 There was a young man of Khartoum,
4196 The strength of whose balls was his doom.
4197 So strong was his shootin',
4198 The third law of Newton
4199 Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
4201 There was a young man of Khartoum
4202 Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
4203 He not only fucked her,
4204 But buggered and sucked her--
4205 And left her to pay for the room.
4207 There was a young man of Kildare
4208 Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
4209 The bannister broke,
4210 But he doubled his stroke
4211 And finished her off in mid-air.
4213 There was a young man of Kutki
4214 Who could blink himself off with one eye.
4215 For a while though, he pined,
4216 When his organ declined
4217 To function, because of a stye.
4219 There was a young man of Lahore
4220 Whose prick was one inch and no more.
4221 It was all right for key-holes
4222 And little girl's pee-holes,
4223 But not worth a damn with a whore.
4225 There was a young man of Lake Placid
4226 Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
4227 When he wanted to sport
4228 He would have to resort
4229 To injections of sulphuric acid.
4231 There was a young man of Madras
4232 Whose balls were constructed of brass.
4233 When jangled together
4234 They played "Stormy Weather",
4235 And lightning shot out of his ass.
4237 There was a young man of Missouri
4238 Who fucked with a terrible fury.
4239 Till hauled into court
4240 For his beastial sport,
4241 And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
4243 There was a young man of Natal
4244 And Sue was the name of his gal.
4245 One day, north of Aden,
4246 He got his hard rod in,
4247 And came clear up Suez Canal.
4249 There was a young man of Natal
4250 Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
4251 Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
4252 Said he, "You be buggered!
4253 I like to fuck slow and I shall."
4255 There was a young man of Ostend
4256 Who let a girl play with his end.
4257 She took hold of Rover,
4258 And felt it all over,
4259 And it did what she didn't intend.
4261 There was a young man of Ostend
4262 Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
4263 "It's no use, my duck,
4264 Interrupting our fuck,
4265 For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
4267 There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
4268 Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
4269 It was good for large whores,
4270 And for small dinosaurs,
4271 And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
4273 There was a young man of Seattle
4274 Who bested a bull in a battle.
4275 With fire and gumption
4276 He assumed the bull's function,
4277 And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
4279 There was a young man of St. John's
4280 Who wanted to bugger the swans.
4281 But the loyal hall porter
4282 Said, "Pray take my daughter!
4283 Those birds are reserved for the dons."
4285 There was a young man of Tibet
4286 -- And this is the strangest one yet --
4287 His prick was so long,
4288 And so pointed and strong,
4289 He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
4291 There was a young man of Toulouse
4292 Who had a deficient prepuce,
4293 But the foreskin he lacked
4294 He made up in his sac;
4295 The result was, his balls were too loose.
4297 There was a young man who appeared
4298 To his friends with a full growth of beard;
4299 They at once said, "Although
4300 We can't say why it's so,
4301 The effect is uncommonly weird."
4304 There was a young man who said "God,
4305 I find it exceedingly odd,
4306 That the willow oak tree
4308 When there's no one about in the Quad."
4310 "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
4311 For I'm always about in the Quad;
4312 And that's why the tree,
4314 Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
4316 There was a young man with a fiddle
4317 Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
4318 She replied, "Yes, I do,
4319 But prefer to with two --
4320 It's twice as much fun in the middle."
4322 There was a young man with a prick
4323 Which into his wife he would stick
4324 Every morning and night
4325 If it stood up all right --
4326 Not a very remarkable trick.
4328 His wife had a nice little cunt:
4329 It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
4330 And with this she would fuck him,
4331 Though sometimes she'd suck him --
4332 A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
4334 There was a young man with one foot
4335 Who had a very long root.
4338 Is a question exceedingly moot.
4340 There was a young miss from Johore
4341 Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
4343 She'd wobble her fanny,
4344 And drain your nuts dry to the core.
4346 There was a young monk from Siberia
4347 Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
4348 Till he did to a nun
4349 What shouldn't be done
4350 And made her a mother superia'.
4352 There was a young monk from Tibet
4353 And this is the damnedest one yet
4354 His cock was so long
4355 And incredibly strong
4356 That he buggered six Greeks en brochette.
4358 There was a young monk in Siberia,
4359 Whose morals were very inferior,
4361 Which he shouldn't have done,
4362 And now she's a Mother Superior.
4364 There was a young monk of Dundee
4365 Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
4366 He said, "Pax vobiscum,
4367 Now why won't the piss come?
4368 I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
4370 There was a young parson of Harwich,
4371 Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
4372 She said, "No, you young goose,
4373 Just try self-abuse.
4374 And the other we'll try after marriage."
4376 There was a young peasant named Gorse
4377 Who fell madly in love with his horse.
4378 Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
4379 That horse is a stallion --
4380 This constitutes grounds for divorce."
4382 There was a young person of Kent
4383 Who was famous wherever he went.
4384 All the way through a fuck,
4385 He would quack like a duck,
4386 And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
4388 There was a young physicist named Fisk
4389 Whose lovemaking was rather brisk.
4390 So quick was his action,
4391 The Lorentz Contraction
4392 Shortened his rod to a disc!
4394 There was a young plumber named Lee
4395 Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
4396 She said, "Stop your plumbing,
4397 There's somebody coming"
4398 Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
4400 There was a young poet named Dan,
4401 Whose poetry never would scan.
4402 When told this was so,
4403 He said, "Yes, I know,
4404 It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
4406 There was a young royal marine,
4407 Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
4408 When he reached the soprano
4410 And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
4412 There was a young sailor from Brighton,
4413 Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
4414 She replied, "'Pon my soul,
4415 You're in the wrong hole;
4416 There's plenty of room in the right one."
4418 There was a young sapphic named Anna
4419 Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
4420 Which she sucked, bit by bit,
4421 From her partner's warm slit,
4422 In the most approved lesbian manner.
4424 There was a young Scot in Madrid
4425 Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
4426 When they said, "Are you faint?"
4427 He replied, "No, I ain't,
4428 But I don't feel as good as I did."
4430 There was a young soldier from Munich
4431 Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
4432 And their chops girls would lick
4433 When they thought of his prick,
4434 But alas! he was only a eunuch.
4436 There was a young sportsman named Peel
4437 Who went for a trip on his wheel;
4438 He pedalled for days
4439 Through crepuscular haze,
4440 And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
4443 There was a young squaw of Wohunt
4444 Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
4445 It had many odd uses,
4446 Produced no papooses,
4447 And fitted both giant and runt.
4449 There was a young student from Yale
4450 Who was getting his first piece of tail.
4451 He shoved in his pole,
4452 But in the wrong hole,
4453 And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
4455 There was a young trollop at Yale,
4456 Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
4458 For the sake of the blind,
4459 A duplicate version in Braille.
4461 There was a young whore from Kaloo
4462 Who filled her vagina with glue.
4463 She said with a grin,
4464 "If they pay to get in,
4465 They can pay to get out again too!"
4467 There was a young woman called Pearl
4468 Who quite resembled a churl;
4469 When she asked a young man named Tex
4470 Whether he would like to have sex,
4471 "Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
4473 There was a young woman from Bude,
4474 Who went for a swim in the nude,
4475 But a man in a punt,
4476 Grabbed at her elbow,
4477 And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
4479 There was a young woman in Dee
4480 Who stayed with each man she did see.
4481 When it came to a test
4482 She wished to be best,
4483 And practice makes perfect, you see.
4485 There was a young woman named Alice
4486 Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
4487 She said, "I do this
4488 From a great need to piss,
4489 And not from sectarian malice."
4491 There was a young woman named Ells
4492 Who was subject to curious spells
4493 When got up very oddly,
4494 She'd cry out things ungodly
4495 by the palms in expensive hotels.
4498 There was a young woman named Florence
4499 Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
4500 But they found her in bed
4501 With her cunt flaming red,
4502 And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
4504 There was a young woman named Plunnery
4505 Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
4506 Till one day unobservant,
4507 She blew up a servant,
4508 And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
4511 There was a young woman named Sutton
4512 Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
4513 "My father preferred
4514 The last sheep in the herd --
4515 This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
4517 There was a young woman of Cheadle,
4518 Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
4519 Said she, "Does it itch?"
4520 "It does, you damned bitch,
4521 And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
4523 There was a young woman of Condover
4524 Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
4525 Her pussy was juicy,
4526 Her arse soft and goosey,
4527 But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
4529 There was a young woman of Croft
4530 Who played with herself in a loft,
4531 Having reasoned that candles
4532 Could never cause scandals,
4533 Besides which they did not go soft.
4535 Said another young woman of Croft,
4536 Amusing herself in the loft,
4538 Is what I'd choose first --
4539 With bologna you know you've been boffed."
4541 There was a young woman, quite handsome,
4542 Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
4543 When she offered much gold
4544 For release, she was told
4545 That the view was worth more than the ransom.
4547 There was a young woman whose stammer
4548 Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
4549 But they were not improved
4550 When her husband was moved
4551 To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
4554 There was an old abbess quite shocked
4555 To find nuns where the candles were locked.
4556 Said the abbess, "You nuns
4557 Should behave more like guns,
4558 And never go off till you're cocked."
4560 There was an old bishop from Buckingham
4561 Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
4562 His wife with distain
4563 Could scarcely restrain
4564 That sprightly old bishop from * * *.
4566 There was an old count of Swoboda
4567 Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
4568 So, with great savoir-faire,
4569 She stood on a chair
4570 And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
4572 There was an old curate of Hestion
4573 Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion.
4574 But so small was his tool
4575 He could scarce screw a spool,
4576 And a cunt was quite out of the question.
4578 There was an old fellow named Art
4579 Who awoke with a horrible start,
4580 For down by his rump
4582 Of what should have been just a fart.
4584 There was an old fellow named Skinner
4585 Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
4586 But still, by and large,
4587 It would always discharge
4588 Once he could just get it in her.
4590 There was an old feminine blighter
4591 Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
4592 She would cream her own pool
4593 While she sucked off his tool --
4594 How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
4596 There was an old gent from Kentuck
4597 Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
4599 For fear that one day
4600 He might put it in and get stuck.
4602 There was an old girl of Kilkenny
4603 Whose usual charge was a penny.
4604 For half of that sum
4605 You could finger her bum--
4606 A source of amusement to many.
4608 There was an old harlot from Dijon
4609 Who in her old age got religion.
4610 "When I'm dead & gone,"
4611 Said she, "I'll take on
4612 The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
4614 There was an old hermit named Dave
4615 Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
4617 I'm a bit of a shit,
4618 But look at the money I save."
4620 There was an old lady of Bingly
4621 Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
4623 A bloke for my twat,
4624 But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
4626 There was an old lady of Glascow,
4627 Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
4628 At nine-thirty, about,
4629 The lights all went out,
4630 Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
4632 There was an old lady of Kewry
4633 Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
4634 The `introitus vaginae',
4635 Was unnaturally tiny,
4636 And the thought of it filled her with fury.
4638 There was an old lady who lay
4639 With her legs wide apart in the hay,
4640 Then, calling the ploughman,
4641 She said, "Do it now, man!
4642 Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
4644 There was an old maid from Cape Cod
4645 Who thought all good things came from god.
4646 But it wasn't the almighty
4647 Who lifted her nighty,
4648 It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
4650 There was an old man from Bengal
4651 Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
4653 Was to stand on his dick
4654 While he rolled around on one ball.
4656 There was an old man from Duluth
4657 Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
4658 He fucked with his nose
4659 Or his fingers and toes
4660 And he came thru a hole in his tooth.
4662 There was an old man from Fort Drum
4663 Whose son was incredibly dumb.
4664 When he urged him ahead,
4665 He went down instead,
4666 For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
4668 There was an old man of Alsace
4669 Who played the trombone with his ass.
4671 To take out the crap,
4672 But the vapors corroded the brass.
4674 There was an old man of Brienz
4675 The length of whose cock was immense:
4676 With one swerve he could plug
4677 A boy's bottom in Zug,
4678 And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
4680 There was an old man of Cajon
4681 Who never could get a good bone.
4682 With the aid of a gland
4683 It grew simply grand;
4684 Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
4686 There was an old man of Calcutta
4687 Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
4688 But all he could see
4689 Was his wife's bare knee,
4690 And the back of the bloke who was up her.
4692 There was an old man of Connaught
4693 Whose prick was remarkably short.
4694 When he got into bed,
4696 "This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
4698 There was an old man of Duddee
4699 Who came home as drunk as could be.
4700 He wound up the clock
4701 With the end of his cock,
4702 And buggered his wife with the key.
4704 There was an old man of Duluth
4705 Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
4706 He fucked with his nose
4707 And with fingers and toes,
4708 And he came through a hole in his tooth.
4710 There was an old man of Hong Kong
4711 Who never did anything wrong.
4712 He would lie on his back
4713 With his head in a sack
4714 And secretly finger his dong.
4716 There was an old man of St. Bees,
4717 Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
4718 When asked, "Does it hurt?"
4719 He replied, "No, it doesn't.
4720 I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
4723 There was an old man of Tagore
4724 Whose tool was a yard long or more,
4725 So he wore the damn thing
4727 To keep it from wiping the floor.
4729 There was an Old Man of the Mountain
4730 Who frigged himself into a fountain
4731 Fifteen times had he spent,
4732 Still he wasn't content,
4733 He simply got tired of the counting.
4735 There was an old man of the port
4736 Whose prick was remarkably short.
4737 When he got into bed,
4739 "That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
4741 There was an old man who said, "Tush!
4742 My balls always hang in the brush,
4744 Half in and half out,
4745 With a pecker as limber as mush."
4747 There was an old man with a beard
4748 Who said, "It is just what I feared!
4750 Four larks and a wren
4751 Have all built their nests in my beard!"
4753 There was an old person of Ware
4754 Who had an affair with a bear.
4755 He explained, "I don't mind,
4756 For it's gentle and kind,
4757 But I wish it had slightly less hair."
4759 There was an old pirate named Bates
4760 Who was learning to rhumba on skates
4761 He fell on his cutlass
4762 Which rendered him nutless
4763 And practically useless on dates.
4765 There was an old satyr named Mack
4766 Whose prick had a left handed tack.
4767 If the ladies he loves
4768 Don't spin when he shoves,
4769 Their cervixes frequently crack.
4771 There was an old Scot named McTavish
4772 Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
4774 Was the wrong sex of ape,
4775 And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
4777 There was an old whore from Silesia
4778 Who'd croak: "If my box doesn't please ya,
4779 For a slight extra sum
4780 You can go up my bum
4781 But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
4783 There was an old whore in the Azores
4784 Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
4785 Why the dogs in the street
4786 Wouldn't eat the green meat
4787 That hung in festoons from her drawers.
4789 There was an old woman of Ghent
4790 Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
4791 She got fucked so often
4792 At last she got rotten,
4793 And didn't she stink when she spent.
4795 There was once a mechanic named Bench
4796 Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
4797 With this vibrant device
4798 He could reach, in a trice,
4799 The innermost parts of a wench.
4801 There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
4802 Who said, "They can all go to hell!
4803 What they do to my wife--
4804 Why it ruins my life;
4805 And the worst is, they all do it well.
4807 There were three ladies of Huxham,
4808 And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
4809 And when that game grows stale
4811 And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
4813 There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
4814 And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
4815 They lifted the frock
4816 And tickled the cock
4817 Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
4819 Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
4820 He'd been to a good public school,
4821 So he took down their britches
4822 And buggered those bitches
4823 With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
4825 Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
4826 And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
4827 "The vicar is quicker
4828 And thicker and slicker,
4829 And longer and stronger than you."
4830 -- Abuses of the Clergy
4832 There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
4833 Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
4834 It's deep and it's wide,
4835 -- You can curl up inside
4836 With a nice easy chair and a book.
4838 There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
4839 Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
4840 But now--it's appallin'--
4841 My balls always fall in!
4842 I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
4844 There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
4845 Whose manners are odd and demanding.
4846 It's one of her jests
4847 To suck off her guests --
4848 She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
4850 There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
4851 Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
4852 But her cunt's got a pucker
4853 That's best not to fuck, or
4854 When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
4856 There's a rather odd couple in Herts
4857 Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
4858 Their sex is in doubt
4859 For they're never without
4860 Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
4863 There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
4864 Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
4865 In the shell Sue is great,
4866 But her boyfriend's irate,
4867 When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
4869 There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
4870 By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
4871 In her striving to please,
4872 She serves ale on her knees,
4873 So the patrons get head with their draft.
4875 There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
4876 Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
4877 The seniors go round
4878 Hanging down to the ground,
4879 And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
4881 There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
4882 Since his shocking perversions are various...
4883 He will bugger some lad
4884 With a dildo (the cad!)
4885 While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
4887 There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
4888 Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
4889 When one pireg is shot,
4890 There's that alternate twat,
4891 But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
4893 There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
4894 Who insists on a dozen a night.
4895 A fellow named Cheddar
4896 Had the brashness to wed her-
4897 His chance of survival is slight.
4899 There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
4900 Exceedingly hard to get onto,
4901 But when you get there,
4902 And have parted the hair,
4903 You can fuck her as much as you want to.
4905 They had come in the fugue to the stretto
4906 When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
4907 Slipped forward and grabbed
4908 Her tresses and stabbed
4909 Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
4912 Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
4913 Was to do what man normally does,
4914 She declared, "I'm a Soul-
4916 So he shrugged and called someone who was.
4918 Though most of the crewmen are whites,
4919 Uhura has full equal rights.
4920 Her crewmates, you see,
4922 And the way that she fills out her tights.
4924 Though the invalid Saint of Brac
4925 Lay all of his life on his back,
4926 His wife got her share,
4927 And the pilgrims now stare
4928 At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
4930 'Tis a custom in Castellamare
4931 To fuck in the back of a lorry.
4932 The chassis and springs
4933 Are like woodwinds and strings
4934 In the midst of a musical soiree.
4936 To a weepy young woman in Thrums
4937 Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
4938 Of allowing your tears
4939 To fall into my ears -
4940 I think they have rotted the drums."
4943 To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
4944 Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
4945 He constructed a bed
4946 Out of tree trunks and said,
4947 "Even adders can multiply on a log table."
4949 To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
4950 Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
4951 She replied, "Why, you fool,
4952 With your limp little tool
4953 It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
4955 To his bride said a numskull named Clarence:
4956 "I trust you will show some forbearance.
4958 I picked up from rabbits,
4959 And occasionally watching my parents."
4961 To his bride said economist Fife:
4962 "The semen you'll launch as my wife,
4963 We will salvage and freeze
4964 To resemble goat's cheese,
4965 And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
4967 To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,
4968 "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
4969 Has the east tit the least bit
4970 The best of the west tit,
4971 Or is it the faulty perspective?"
4973 To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
4974 "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
4975 Is your east tit the least bit
4976 The best of your west tit,
4977 Or is it a trick of perspective?"
4979 To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
4980 As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
4981 "Your mother's behaviour
4982 Gave pain to Our Saviour,
4983 And that's why He made you a cripple."
4986 Two anglers were fishing off Wight
4987 And his bobber was dipping all night.
4988 Murmured she, with a laugh,
4989 "It's ready to gaff,
4990 But don't break your rod which is light."
4992 A couple was fishing near Clombe
4993 When the maid began looking quite glum,
4994 And said, "Bother the fish!
4996 Which they did -- which was why they had come.
4998 As two consular clerks in Madras
4999 Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
5000 "What a marvelous pole,"
5001 Said she, "but control
5002 Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
5004 Two eager young men from Cawnpore
5005 Once buggered and fucked the same whore.
5006 But her partition split
5007 And the blood and the shit
5008 Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
5010 Two roosters in one of our pens
5011 Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
5012 As they looked at their foreskins
5013 And wished they had more skins,
5014 They discovered they'd both become hens.
5016 Under the spreading chestnut tree
5017 The village smith he sat,
5020 And catching the load in his hat.
5022 Une joile epousetta a Tours
5023 Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
5024 Mais le mari disait, "Non!
5025 De trop n'est pas bon!
5026 Mon derriere exige du secours!"
5028 Visas erat: huic geminarum
5029 Dispar modus testicularum:
5032 Jam fecerat altera clarum.
5034 We dedicate this to the cunt,
5035 The kind the broad-minded guys hunt:
5036 All hail to the twat,
5037 Willing, thrilling, and hot,
5038 That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
5040 When I was a baby, my penis
5041 Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
5043 As her nipples instead--
5044 All because of the feminine genus!
5046 When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
5047 Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
5048 "Was he modest or vain?"
5049 "Was he regal or plain?"
5050 She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
5052 When you fuck little Annie in Anza
5053 You get a great bosom bonanza:
5054 Sucking Annie's soft tits
5055 Makes her throw fifty fits,
5056 And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
5058 While his duchess lay practically dead,
5059 The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
5060 "Can it be this is all?
5061 How puny! How small!
5062 Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
5065 While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
5066 Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
5067 She explained, "They are flat,
5068 But think nothing of that --
5069 You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
5071 While out on a date in his Fiat,
5072 The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
5073 As he bent down to seek,
5074 She let out a shriek:
5075 "That's not where it's likely to be at."
5077 While spending the winter at Pau
5078 Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
5079 So the head-porter made her
5080 And the second-cook laid her;
5081 The waiters were all hanging low.
5083 While Titian was mixing rose madder,
5084 His model reclined on a ladder.
5085 Her position to Titian
5087 So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
5089 While travelling in farthest Tibet,
5090 Lord Irongate found cause to regret
5091 The buttered-up tea,
5093 And the frivolous tourists he met.
5096 Winter is here with his grouch,
5097 The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
5098 You can't take your women
5099 Canoein' or swimmin',
5100 But a lot can be done on a couch.
5102 With his penis in turgid erection,
5103 And aimed at woman's mid-section,
5104 Man looks most uncouth
5105 In that Moment of Truth,
5106 But she sheathes it with loving affection.
5108 You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
5109 But dependent on men you must be:
5111 With a rod firm and trim,
5112 To puggle your water-drains free!
5114 Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
5115 To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
5116 If you'll come to my palace,
5117 I'll finger your phallus,
5118 And then I shall blow on your flute."
5120 You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
5121 Well, here's the new story concerning 'im:
5122 He buggers the choir
5123 As they sing "Ave Maria,"
5124 And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.