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43920920 | 1 | %% $FreeBSD: head/usr.bin/fortune/datfiles/zippy 205995 2010-03-31 18:21:25Z uqs $ |
57d6ec24 | 2 | % |
3 | Talking Pinhead Blues: | |
4 | Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel | |
5 | TWENTY-SIX!! | |
6 | ||
7 | Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been | |
8 | DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff) | |
9 | ||
10 | My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG | |
11 | won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf) | |
12 | ||
13 | So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!! | |
14 | (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh) | |
15 | % | |
16 | ... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... | |
17 | % | |
18 | ... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE. | |
19 | % | |
20 | ... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. | |
21 | LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE! | |
22 | % | |
23 | ... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN. | |
24 | % | |
25 | ... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ... | |
26 | % | |
27 | -- I have seen the FUN -- | |
28 | % | |
29 | -- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away | |
30 | now. I fed the cat. | |
31 | % | |
32 | ... I see TOILET SEATS ... | |
33 | % | |
34 | ... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common | |
35 | MISAPPREHENSIONS ... | |
36 | % | |
37 | ... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!! | |
38 | % | |
39 | ... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within | |
40 | SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!! | |
41 | % | |
42 | ... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im | |
43 | antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche | |
44 | PIZZA ... | |
45 | % | |
46 | ... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate | |
47 | man!! | |
48 | % | |
49 | ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM | |
50 | of a KOSHER DELI -- | |
51 | % | |
52 | ... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling | |
53 | Alley!! | |
54 | % | |
55 | ... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!! | |
56 | % | |
57 | ... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last | |
58 | Tuesday? | |
59 | % | |
60 | ... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued | |
61 | OYSTER! Yum! | |
62 | % | |
63 | ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! | |
64 | % | |
65 | ... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!! | |
66 | % | |
984263bc MD |
67 | A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!! |
68 | % | |
69 | A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit! | |
70 | % | |
71 | A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume.. | |
72 | % | |
73 | A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled | |
74 | with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight?? | |
75 | % | |
76 | Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!! | |
77 | % | |
78 | All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled | |
79 | by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... | |
80 | % | |
81 | All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow | |
82 | a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know | |
83 | WHY!! | |
84 | % | |
85 | All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat! | |
86 | % | |
87 | All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds! | |
88 | % | |
89 | All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT! | |
90 | % | |
91 | Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!! | |
92 | % | |
93 | Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN? | |
94 | % | |
95 | Am I elected yet? | |
96 | % | |
97 | Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet? | |
98 | % | |
99 | Am I SHOPLIFTING? | |
100 | % | |
101 | America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into | |
102 | your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind ... | |
103 | % | |
104 | An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!! | |
105 | % | |
106 | An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS?? | |
107 | % | |
108 | An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES! | |
109 | % | |
110 | And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!! | |
111 | % | |
112 | ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO | |
113 | MONTALBAN'S HAIR! | |
114 | % | |
115 | Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER? | |
116 | % | |
117 | Are we live or on tape? | |
118 | % | |
119 | Are we on STRIKE yet? | |
120 | % | |
121 | Are we THERE yet? | |
122 | % | |
123 | Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!! | |
124 | % | |
125 | Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut?? | |
126 | % | |
127 | Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!! | |
128 | % | |
129 | Are you still an ALCOHOLIC? | |
130 | % | |
131 | As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection! | |
132 | % | |
133 | Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY? | |
134 | % | |
135 | BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!! | |
136 | % | |
137 | Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away! | |
138 | But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!! | |
139 | % | |
140 | BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY | |
141 | WAY" I've ever heard!! | |
142 | % | |
143 | Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST. | |
144 | % | |
145 | BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ... | |
146 | % | |
147 | BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI- | |
148 | % | |
984263bc MD |
149 | Bo Derek ruined my life! |
150 | % | |
151 | Boy, am I glad it's only 1971... | |
152 | % | |
153 | Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!! | |
154 | % | |
155 | But they went to MARS around 1953!! | |
156 | % | |
157 | But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade? | |
158 | % | |
43920920 | 159 | Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target |
160 | Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. | |
161 | % | |
984263bc MD |
162 | Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead? |
163 | % | |
164 | Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE? | |
165 | % | |
166 | Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger! | |
167 | % | |
168 | CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH! | |
169 | % | |
170 | Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!! | |
171 | % | |
172 | Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!! | |
173 | % | |
174 | Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL | |
175 | NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn | |
176 | LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!! | |
177 | % | |
178 | CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about | |
179 | DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE?? | |
180 | % | |
ea4682d8 | 181 | Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds |
984263bc MD |
182 | TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ... |
183 | % | |
184 | Could I have a drug overdose? | |
185 | % | |
186 | Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in | |
187 | a MALIBU HOT TUB? | |
188 | % | |
189 | Did I do an INCORRECT THING?? | |
190 | % | |
191 | Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus??? | |
192 | % | |
193 | Did I SELL OUT yet?? | |
194 | % | |
195 | Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA? | |
196 | % | |
197 | Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy? | |
198 | % | |
199 | DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL? | |
200 | % | |
201 | Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo? | |
202 | % | |
ea4682d8 | 203 | Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahyde pipeline running |
984263bc MD |
204 | straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the |
205 | dollar! | |
206 | % | |
207 | Do I have a lifestyle yet? | |
208 | % | |
209 | Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space? | |
210 | % | |
211 | Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat?? | |
212 | % | |
213 | Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"? | |
214 | % | |
215 | Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days? | |
216 | % | |
217 | Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me? | |
218 | % | |
219 | does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS? | |
220 | % | |
221 | DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!! | |
222 | Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!! | |
223 | % | |
224 | Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!! | |
225 | % | |
226 | Don't SANFORIZE me!! | |
227 | % | |
228 | Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ... | |
229 | FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK | |
230 | STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ... Are there any QUESTIONS?? | |
231 | % | |
232 | Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!! | |
233 | % | |
234 | Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!! | |
235 | % | |
236 | Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!! | |
237 | % | |
238 | Everybody gets free BORSCHT! | |
239 | % | |
240 | Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a | |
241 | disaster Movie!! | |
242 | % | |
243 | Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ... | |
244 | % | |
245 | Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of | |
246 | OFFSET PRINTING? | |
247 | % | |
248 | FEELINGS are cascading over me!!! | |
249 | % | |
250 | Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty | |
251 | dining room. | |
252 | % | |
253 | First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... So | |
254 | just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!! | |
255 | % | |
256 | FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!! | |
257 | % | |
258 | for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!! | |
259 | % | |
260 | Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my | |
261 | gothic solarium!! | |
262 | % | |
263 | FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ... | |
264 | % | |
265 | FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!! | |
266 | % | |
267 | Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my | |
268 | satellite dish PAYMENTS! | |
269 | % | |
270 | Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ... | |
271 | % | |
272 | Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!! | |
273 | % | |
274 | Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!! | |
275 | % | |
276 | GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my | |
277 | pet LEISURE SUIT!! | |
278 | % | |
279 | HAIR TONICS, please!! | |
280 | % | |
281 | Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste! | |
282 | % | |
283 | Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for | |
284 | today! | |
285 | % | |
984263bc MD |
286 | Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ... Now, it's |
287 | time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!! | |
288 | % | |
984263bc MD |
289 | He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him -- |
290 | % | |
291 | He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me | |
292 | like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to | |
ea4682d8 | 293 | PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING |
984263bc MD |
294 | MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO! |
295 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 296 | Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I |
297 | guess ... | |
984263bc MD |
298 | % |
299 | Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan | |
300 | females!! | |
301 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 302 | Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No |
303 | thanks! | |
304 | % | |
984263bc MD |
305 | Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES |
306 | being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!! | |
307 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 308 | HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!! |
984263bc | 309 | % |
57d6ec24 | 310 | Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!! |
311 | % | |
312 | HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death! | |
984263bc MD |
313 | % |
314 | Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample | |
315 | bottles ... | |
316 | % | |
317 | Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!! | |
318 | % | |
319 | Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN | |
320 | anywhere!! | |
321 | % | |
322 | Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment? | |
323 | % | |
324 | Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!! | |
325 | % | |
326 | Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce! | |
327 | % | |
328 | Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some | |
329 | drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!! | |
330 | % | |
331 | Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a | |
332 | TROLLEY-CAR ... | |
333 | % | |
334 | Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted | |
335 | island, when ... | |
336 | % | |
337 | Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET | |
338 | FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ... | |
339 | % | |
340 | Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL | |
341 | CHLORIDE ... | |
342 | % | |
343 | Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ... | |
344 | % | |
345 | HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!! | |
346 | % | |
347 | How do I get HOME? | |
348 | % | |
349 | How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th' | |
350 | MOUSTACHE ... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, | |
351 | HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce | |
352 | to NANCY SINATRA! | |
353 | % | |
ea4682d8 | 354 | How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL |
984263bc MD |
355 | SHARPENERS right NOW?? |
356 | % | |
357 | How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS?? | |
358 | % | |
359 | How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism? | |
360 | % | |
361 | hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub. | |
362 | % | |
363 | HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!! | |
364 | % | |
365 | HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ... | |
366 | % | |
367 | I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!! | |
368 | % | |
369 | I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut. | |
370 | % | |
371 | I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927! | |
372 | % | |
373 | I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller! | |
374 | % | |
375 | I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST! | |
376 | % | |
377 | I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN? | |
378 | % | |
379 | I am NOT a nut.... | |
380 | % | |
381 | I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!! | |
382 | % | |
383 | I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!! | |
384 | % | |
385 | I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! | |
386 | % | |
387 | I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB | |
388 | GUCCIONE has these problems! | |
389 | % | |
390 | I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of | |
391 | LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ... | |
392 | % | |
393 | I demand IMPUNITY! | |
394 | % | |
395 | I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO! | |
396 | % | |
397 | I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE ... I think it's all | |
398 | just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell | |
399 | more numbers!! | |
400 | % | |
984263bc MD |
401 | I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in |
402 | my read molars ... | |
403 | % | |
984263bc MD |
404 | I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!! |
405 | % | |
406 | I feel ... JUGULAR ... | |
407 | % | |
408 | I feel better about world problems now! | |
409 | % | |
410 | I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon! | |
411 | % | |
412 | I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSHCHEV ... | |
413 | % | |
414 | I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!! | |
415 | % | |
416 | I feel partially hydrogenated! | |
417 | % | |
418 | I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the | |
419 | "WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ... They look NICE | |
420 | in the yard ... | |
421 | % | |
422 | I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ... | |
423 | % | |
424 | I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING! | |
425 | % | |
426 | I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ... | |
427 | % | |
428 | I had pancake makeup for brunch! | |
429 | % | |
430 | I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD | |
431 | % | |
432 | I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you. | |
433 | % | |
434 | I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!! | |
435 | % | |
436 | I have accepted Provolone into my life! | |
437 | % | |
438 | I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS.. | |
439 | % | |
984263bc MD |
440 | I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... |
441 | % | |
442 | I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the | |
443 | INSTRUCTIONS ... | |
444 | % | |
445 | I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!! | |
446 | % | |
447 | I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because | |
448 | my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!! | |
449 | % | |
450 | I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling | |
451 | every day from Oral Roberts!! | |
452 | % | |
453 | I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ... | |
454 | % | |
455 | I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to | |
456 | live!! | |
457 | % | |
458 | I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ... | |
459 | % | |
460 | I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life | |
461 | savings in yeast!! | |
462 | % | |
463 | I invented skydiving in 1989! | |
464 | % | |
465 | I joined scientology at a garage sale!! | |
466 | % | |
467 | I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! | |
468 | % | |
469 | I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he | |
470 | is ... | |
471 | % | |
472 | I just had a NOSE JOB!! | |
473 | % | |
474 | I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON! | |
475 | % | |
476 | I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch | |
477 | with my LEISURE SUIT!! | |
478 | % | |
479 | I just remembered something about a TOAD! | |
480 | % | |
481 | I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW | |
482 | on the SIDE? | |
483 | % | |
484 | I Know A Joke | |
485 | % | |
486 | I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!! | |
487 | % | |
984263bc MD |
488 | I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!! |
489 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 490 | I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!! |
491 | % | |
984263bc MD |
492 | I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!! |
493 | % | |
494 | I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS | |
495 | % | |
496 | I like your SNOOPY POSTER!! | |
497 | % | |
984263bc MD |
498 | I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in |
499 | 1965!! | |
500 | % | |
501 | I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio | |
502 | SLEAZEBALLS!! | |
503 | % | |
504 | I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!! | |
505 | % | |
506 | I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank! | |
507 | % | |
508 | I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL | |
509 | legislation.. | |
510 | % | |
511 | I represent a sardine!! | |
512 | % | |
513 | I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers! | |
514 | % | |
984263bc MD |
515 | I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"! |
516 | % | |
517 | I smell a RANCID CORN DOG! | |
518 | % | |
519 | I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day! | |
520 | % | |
521 | I think I am an overnight sensation right now!! | |
522 | % | |
984263bc MD |
523 | I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while |
524 | reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!! | |
525 | % | |
526 | I think my career is ruined! | |
527 | % | |
528 | I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH | |
529 | RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!! | |
530 | % | |
984263bc MD |
531 | I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!! |
532 | % | |
533 | I want a WESSON OIL lease!! | |
534 | % | |
535 | I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!! | |
536 | % | |
537 | I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n | |
538 | secure!! | |
539 | % | |
984263bc MD |
540 | I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres. |
541 | % | |
542 | I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE | |
543 | and WHEAT THINS ... | |
544 | % | |
545 | I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! | |
546 | % | |
547 | I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!! | |
548 | % | |
984263bc MD |
549 | I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ... |
550 | % | |
551 | I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!! | |
552 | % | |
553 | I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY | |
554 | ... BACKWARDS!! | |
555 | % | |
556 | I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in | |
557 | formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with | |
558 | me -- | |
559 | % | |
560 | I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution! | |
561 | % | |
562 | I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus! | |
563 | % | |
564 | I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!! | |
565 | % | |
566 | I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog! | |
567 | % | |
568 | I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems! | |
569 | % | |
570 | I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world? | |
571 | % | |
572 | I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE | |
573 | STRANGER? | |
574 | % | |
575 | I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!! | |
576 | % | |
577 | I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight? | |
578 | % | |
579 | I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool -- | |
580 | % | |
581 | I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried! | |
582 | % | |
583 | I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE -- | |
584 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 585 | If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for |
586 | MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a | |
587 | GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!! | |
588 | % | |
589 | If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old | |
590 | houseboy ... | |
591 | % | |
592 | If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again! | |
593 | % | |
594 | If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be | |
595 | replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET! | |
596 | % | |
597 | If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT! | |
598 | % | |
599 | If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!! | |
600 | % | |
601 | If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST! | |
602 | % | |
603 | if it GLISTENS, gobble it!! | |
604 | % | |
605 | If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun! | |
606 | % | |
607 | If Robert De Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry | |
608 | Bonzo?? | |
609 | % | |
984263bc MD |
610 | I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!! |
611 | % | |
612 | I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ... | |
613 | % | |
614 | I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany | |
615 | % | |
616 | I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN | |
617 | SONTAG!! | |
618 | % | |
619 | I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex! | |
620 | % | |
621 | I'm also against BODY-SURFING!! | |
622 | % | |
623 | I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!! | |
624 | % | |
625 | I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!! | |
626 | % | |
627 | I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO | |
628 | MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"! | |
629 | % | |
630 | I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!! | |
631 | % | |
632 | I'm definitely not in Omaha! | |
633 | % | |
634 | I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this | |
635 | miniature DOMED STADIUM ... | |
636 | % | |
637 | I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late... | |
638 | % | |
639 | I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!! | |
640 | % | |
641 | I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!! | |
642 | % | |
643 | I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!! | |
644 | % | |
645 | I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!! | |
646 | % | |
647 | I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!! | |
648 | % | |
649 | I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS! | |
650 | % | |
651 | I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS | |
652 | % | |
653 | I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!! | |
654 | % | |
655 | I'm having an emotional outburst!! | |
656 | % | |
657 | I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in | |
658 | my PAJAMA POCKET?? | |
659 | % | |
660 | I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and | |
661 | wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ... | |
662 | % | |
663 | I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!! | |
664 | % | |
984263bc MD |
665 | I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS. |
666 | % | |
667 | I'm into SOFTWARE! | |
668 | % | |
669 | I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my | |
670 | PERSONAL SPACE!! | |
671 | % | |
672 | I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD | |
673 | STERLING when you really need him? | |
674 | % | |
675 | I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!! | |
676 | % | |
677 | I'm not available for comment.. | |
678 | % | |
679 | I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly?? | |
680 | % | |
681 | I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO | |
682 | MONTALBAN! | |
683 | % | |
684 | I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife | |
685 | and two children stand QUIETLY BY ... | |
686 | % | |
687 | I'm rated PG-34!! | |
688 | % | |
689 | I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!! | |
690 | % | |
691 | I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with | |
692 | MISSILES!! | |
693 | % | |
694 | I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin | |
695 | Hustle now! | |
696 | % | |
697 | I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!! | |
698 | % | |
699 | I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM | |
700 | ... I'm VIBRATORY ... | |
701 | % | |
702 | I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated | |
703 | IMAGE FORMATIONS ... | |
704 | % | |
705 | I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of | |
706 | CHICKEN ... | |
707 | % | |
708 | I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER | |
709 | WORKINGS of this POTATO!! | |
710 | % | |
711 | I'm wearing PAMPERS!! | |
712 | % | |
713 | I'm wet! I'm wild! | |
714 | % | |
715 | I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR | |
716 | REGIONS! | |
717 | % | |
718 | I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode. | |
719 | % | |
984263bc MD |
720 | In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental |
721 | Belt," for $10.99!! | |
722 | % | |
723 | In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day! | |
724 | % | |
725 | INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!! | |
726 | % | |
727 | Inside, I'm already SOBBING! | |
728 | % | |
729 | Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in | |
730 | Safeway? | |
731 | % | |
732 | Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders?? Is the FROG | |
733 | his GUIDELIGHT?? It is curious that a DOG runs already on the | |
734 | ESCALATOR ... | |
735 | % | |
736 | Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one | |
737 | wild afternoon?? | |
738 | % | |
739 | Is it clean in other dimensions? | |
740 | % | |
741 | Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a | |
742 | plate of SAUCE MORNAY? | |
743 | % | |
744 | Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN? | |
745 | % | |
746 | Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"? | |
747 | % | |
748 | Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy? | |
749 | % | |
750 | Is this TERMINAL fun? | |
751 | % | |
752 | Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also | |
753 | makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR? | |
754 | % | |
755 | Isn't this my STOP?! | |
756 | % | |
757 | It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!! | |
758 | % | |
759 | It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID | |
760 | LETTERMAN!! YOW!! | |
761 | % | |
762 | It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!? | |
763 | % | |
764 | It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!! | |
765 | % | |
766 | It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA | |
767 | in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making | |
768 | FRENCH TOAST! | |
769 | % | |
770 | It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too. | |
771 | % | |
772 | It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!! | |
773 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 774 | I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ... |
775 | % | |
776 | I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your | |
777 | SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!! | |
778 | % | |
779 | I've read SEVEN MILLION books!! | |
780 | % | |
984263bc MD |
781 | JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level |
782 | of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ... | |
783 | % | |
784 | Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! | |
785 | % | |
786 | Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ... | |
787 | % | |
788 | Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be | |
789 | carried too FAR! | |
790 | % | |
791 | Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA, | |
792 | PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!! | |
793 | % | |
794 | Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machine | |
795 | is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!! | |
796 | % | |
797 | LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??! | |
798 | % | |
799 | Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a | |
800 | SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your | |
801 | ASHTRAYS ... | |
802 | % | |
803 | Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ... | |
804 | % | |
ea4682d8 | 805 | Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!! |
984263bc MD |
806 | % |
807 | Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories! | |
808 | % | |
809 | Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!! | |
810 | % | |
811 | Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!! | |
812 | % | |
813 | Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!! | |
814 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 815 | Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich! |
816 | % | |
817 | LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of | |
818 | Seagulls" HAIRCUTS! | |
819 | % | |
984263bc MD |
820 | Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a |
821 | HIGHBALL?? ... | |
822 | % | |
823 | Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge | |
824 | card! | |
825 | % | |
984263bc MD |
826 | Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!! |
827 | % | |
828 | Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a | |
829 | cheap hotel in HONOLULU! | |
830 | % | |
831 | Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE -- | |
832 | % | |
833 | MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician! | |
834 | % | |
835 | MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! | |
836 | % | |
837 | Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the | |
838 | shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a | |
839 | TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and | |
840 | SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, | |
841 | BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded | |
842 | animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! For DESSERT, | |
843 | I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE | |
844 | WHEAT BUN!! | |
845 | % | |
846 | Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of | |
847 | the INDONESIAN archipelago? | |
848 | % | |
849 | My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!! | |
850 | % | |
851 | My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE | |
852 | FUNCTION and full kitchen!! | |
853 | % | |
854 | My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New | |
855 | York!! | |
856 | % | |
857 | My EARS are GONE!! | |
858 | % | |
859 | My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's | |
860 | care!!!! | |
861 | % | |
862 | My haircut is totally traditional! | |
863 | % | |
864 | MY income is ALL disposable! | |
865 | % | |
866 | My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ... | |
867 | % | |
868 | My life is a patio of fun! | |
869 | % | |
870 | My mind is a potato field ... | |
871 | % | |
872 | My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ... | |
873 | % | |
874 | My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ... | |
875 | % | |
876 | my NOSE is NUMB! | |
877 | % | |
984263bc MD |
878 | My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!! |
879 | % | |
880 | My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift! | |
881 | % | |
882 | My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!! | |
883 | % | |
884 | My vaseline is RUNNING... | |
885 | % | |
886 | NANCY!! Why is everything RED?! | |
887 | % | |
888 | NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- They | |
889 | COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They | |
890 | did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but | |
891 | they were OFF-KEY ... | |
892 | % | |
893 | NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!! | |
894 | % | |
895 | Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! | |
896 | % | |
897 | Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... | |
898 | in PAIN!!! | |
899 | % | |
900 | Now I am depressed ... | |
901 | % | |
902 | Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST | |
903 | BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER! | |
904 | % | |
905 | Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"! | |
906 | % | |
907 | Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the | |
908 | BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!! | |
909 | % | |
910 | Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World | |
911 | War II! | |
912 | % | |
913 | Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round wives of | |
914 | HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached | |
915 | by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ... | |
916 | % | |
917 | Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ... | |
918 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 919 | Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!! |
920 | % | |
984263bc MD |
921 | Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING |
922 | and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!! | |
923 | % | |
924 | Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!! | |
925 | % | |
984263bc MD |
926 | Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE -- |
927 | % | |
984263bc MD |
928 | Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY?? |
929 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 930 | Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!! |
931 | % | |
984263bc MD |
932 | Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR |
933 | DEAD CAT LOVERS" ... | |
934 | % | |
935 | OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED | |
936 | R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!! | |
937 | % | |
938 | OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O | |
939 | and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if | |
940 | it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S | |
941 | the WASHING MACHINES? | |
942 | % | |
943 | On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS | |
944 | PHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!! | |
945 | % | |
946 | On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL | |
947 | QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!! | |
948 | % | |
949 | On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a | |
950 | POINT. | |
951 | % | |
984263bc MD |
952 | Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION |
953 | statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was | |
954 | completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely | |
955 | amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we | |
956 | finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled | |
957 | snack cakes! | |
958 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 959 | Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of |
960 | DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY | |
961 | VALUES!! | |
984263bc MD |
962 | % |
963 | ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to | |
964 | the downtown PLASMA CENTER ... | |
965 | TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ... | |
966 | THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!! | |
967 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 968 | One FISHWICH coming up!! |
984263bc MD |
969 | % |
970 | Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this | |
971 | table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also | |
972 | leave a GENEROUS TIP .... | |
973 | % | |
974 | over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ... | |
975 | % | |
976 | OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND | |
977 | REPAIR!! | |
978 | % | |
979 | PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH? | |
980 | % | |
981 | Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your | |
982 | BOOTH! | |
983 | % | |
984 | PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT. | |
985 | % | |
986 | PIZZA!! | |
987 | % | |
988 | Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the | |
989 | Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES! | |
990 | % | |
991 | Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!! | |
992 | % | |
993 | Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!! | |
994 | % | |
995 | PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!! | |
996 | % | |
997 | Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! | |
998 | % | |
999 | RELATIVES!! | |
1000 | % | |
1001 | Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by | |
1002 | prescription!! | |
1003 | % | |
1004 | RHAPSODY in Glue! | |
1005 | % | |
1006 | SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS | |
1007 | ... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes, | |
1008 | starring JANE FONDA!! | |
1009 | % | |
1010 | Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA | |
1011 | 94140, USA | |
1012 | % | |
1013 | SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into | |
1014 | empty OIL DRUMS ... | |
1015 | % | |
1016 | Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley? | |
1017 | % | |
1018 | Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a | |
1019 | VASECTOMY?? | |
1020 | % | |
1021 | Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK | |
1022 | hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST? | |
1023 | % | |
1024 | Sign my PETITION. | |
1025 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1026 | So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL |
1027 | INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 | |
1028 | SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!! | |
1029 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 1030 | So this is what it feels like to be potato salad |
1031 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1032 | someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN |
1033 | % | |
1034 | Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!! | |
1035 | % | |
1036 | Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB | |
1037 | CHOP!! | |
1038 | % | |
1039 | Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a | |
1040 | batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!! | |
1041 | % | |
1042 | Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it | |
1043 | to Beaver"! | |
1044 | % | |
1045 | Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why? | |
1046 | % | |
1047 | TAILFINS!! ... click ... | |
984263bc MD |
1048 | % |
1049 | TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash | |
1050 | Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?! | |
1051 | % | |
1052 | Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me to | |
1053 | Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!! | |
1054 | % | |
1055 | Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL | |
1056 | % | |
1057 | Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!! | |
1058 | % | |
1059 | The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth | |
1060 | the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!! | |
1061 | % | |
1062 | The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality -- | |
1063 | and have since BIRTH!! | |
1064 | % | |
1065 | The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my | |
1066 | SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!! | |
1067 | % | |
1068 | The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ... | |
1069 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1070 | The Korean War must have been fun. |
1071 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1072 | The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at |
1073 | dawn!!! | |
1074 | % | |
1075 | The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!! | |
1076 | % | |
1077 | The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARS | |
1078 | around 1953!! | |
1079 | % | |
1080 | The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ... | |
1081 | % | |
1082 | There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS | |
1083 | in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!! | |
1084 | % | |
1085 | There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni! | |
1086 | % | |
1087 | These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!! | |
1088 | % | |
1089 | They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen | |
1090 | appeal! | |
1091 | % | |
1092 | This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!! | |
1093 | % | |
1094 | This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!! | |
1095 | % | |
1096 | This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up | |
1097 | against someone's MARTINI!! | |
1098 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1099 | This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!! |
1100 | % | |
1101 | This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!! | |
1102 | % | |
1103 | This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE is | |
1104 | talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ... | |
1105 | % | |
1106 | Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD | |
1107 | SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!! | |
1108 | % | |
1109 | Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the | |
1110 | aesthetic modules -- | |
1111 | % | |
1112 | Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER | |
1113 | before his MAKEOVER! | |
1114 | % | |
1115 | Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ... | |
1116 | Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! | |
1117 | % | |
1118 | TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN?? | |
1119 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1120 | Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS! |
1121 | % | |
1122 | UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by | |
1123 | mistake!!! | |
1124 | % | |
1125 | UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a | |
1126 | NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha. | |
1127 | % | |
1128 | Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!! | |
1129 | % | |
1130 | UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS! | |
1131 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 1132 | Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader |
1133 | frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend? | |
1134 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1135 | Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE! |
1136 | % | |
1137 | VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! | |
1138 | % | |
1139 | Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and | |
1140 | TAX-DEFERRED! | |
1141 | % | |
1142 | Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat | |
1143 | Junction?? | |
1144 | % | |
1145 | Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!! | |
1146 | % | |
1147 | We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot | |
1148 | tub ... | |
1149 | % | |
1150 | We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR -- | |
1151 | % | |
1152 | We just joined the civil hair patrol! | |
1153 | % | |
1154 | We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. | |
1155 | 45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head! | |
1156 | % | |
1157 | Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I | |
1158 | HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ... | |
1159 | EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!! | |
1160 | % | |
1161 | Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to | |
1162 | VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! | |
1163 | % | |
1164 | Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES | |
1165 | ROOM ... | |
1166 | % | |
1167 | Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL | |
1168 | DESPAIR! | |
1169 | % | |
1170 | Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE? | |
1171 | % | |
1172 | What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!! | |
1173 | % | |
1174 | What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY? | |
1175 | % | |
1176 | What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ... | |
1177 | % | |
1178 | What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf? | |
1179 | % | |
1180 | What PROGRAM are they watching? | |
1181 | % | |
1182 | What UNIVERSE is this, please?? | |
1183 | % | |
1184 | What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory? | |
1185 | % | |
1186 | When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or | |
1187 | DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ... | |
1188 | % | |
1189 | When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ... | |
1190 | % | |
1191 | When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING? | |
1192 | % | |
1193 | When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING | |
1194 | BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION | |
1195 | and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!! | |
1196 | % | |
1197 | Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER? | |
1198 | % | |
1199 | Where does it go when you flush? | |
1200 | % | |
1201 | Where's SANDY DUNCAN? | |
1202 | % | |
1203 | Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT?? | |
1204 | % | |
1205 | Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!! | |
1206 | % | |
1207 | While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit | |
1208 | priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! | |
1209 | % | |
1210 | While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... his | |
1211 | will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"! | |
1212 | % | |
1213 | WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?! | |
1214 | % | |
1215 | WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be the | |
1216 | NEGATIVE IONS!! | |
1217 | % | |
1218 | Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me?? | |
1219 | % | |
1220 | Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know your | |
1221 | own ZIPCODE? | |
1222 | % | |
1223 | Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex? | |
1224 | % | |
1225 | Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT | |
1226 | CENTER with you?? | |
1227 | % | |
1228 | Will it improve my CASH FLOW? | |
1229 | % | |
1230 | Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air? | |
1231 | % | |
1232 | Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease? | |
1233 | % | |
1234 | With YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ... | |
1235 | % | |
1236 | World War III? No thanks! | |
1237 | % | |
1238 | World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced | |
1239 | dress code! | |
1240 | % | |
1241 | Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it! | |
1242 | % | |
1243 | Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"! | |
1244 | % | |
1245 | Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON | |
1246 | MAIDEN concert? | |
1247 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 1248 | YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN |
1249 | DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!! | |
1250 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1251 | You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!! |
1252 | % | |
1253 | You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th' | |
1254 | distinction between FANTASY and REALITY? | |
1255 | % | |
1256 | You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA? | |
1257 | % | |
1258 | YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!! | |
1259 | % | |
1260 | You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW | |
1261 | CAREER!! | |
1262 | % | |
1263 | You were s'posed to laugh! | |
1264 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1265 | Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS -- |
1266 | % | |
1267 | Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental | |
1268 | attitudes! | |
1269 | % | |
1270 | Yow! | |
1271 | % | |
1272 | Yow! Am I having fun yet? | |
1273 | % | |
1274 | Yow! Am I in Milwaukee? | |
1275 | % | |
1276 | Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights! | |
1277 | % | |
1278 | Yow! Are we laid back yet? | |
1279 | % | |
1280 | Yow! Are we wet yet? | |
1281 | % | |
1282 | Yow! Are you the self-frying president? | |
1283 | % | |
1284 | Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?? | |
1285 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 1286 | YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! |
1287 | % | |
1288 | YOW!!! I am having fun!!! | |
1289 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1290 | Yow! I just went below the poverty line! |
1291 | % | |
1292 | Yow! I threw up on my window! | |
1293 | % | |
1294 | Yow! I want my nose in lights! | |
1295 | % | |
1296 | Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua! | |
1297 | % | |
1298 | Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel | |
1299 | mill! | |
1300 | % | |
1301 | Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce! | |
1302 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 1303 | YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!! |
1304 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1305 | Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof? |
1306 | % | |
1307 | Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it?? | |
1308 | % | |
1309 | Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank! | |
1310 | % | |
1311 | Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping! | |
1312 | % | |
1313 | Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY -- | |
1314 | % | |
1315 | Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING | |
1316 | BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL! | |
1317 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1318 | YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM |
1319 | laws!! | |
1320 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 1321 | Yow! Now we can become alcoholics! |
1322 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1323 | YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!! |
1324 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 1325 | Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!! |
1326 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1327 | YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!! |
1328 | % | |
57d6ec24 | 1329 | Yow! We're going to a new disco! |
1330 | % | |
984263bc MD |
1331 | YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of |
1332 | CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND! | |
1333 | % | |
984263bc | 1334 | Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ... |
57d6ec24 | 1335 | % |