| 1 | This fortune brought to you by: |
| 2 | $FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o,v 1.6.2.3 2002/08/09 20:40:27 fanf Exp $ |
| 3 | $DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o,v 1.2 2003/06/17 04:25:23 dillon Exp $ |
| 4 | % |
| 5 | PLAYGIRL, Inc. |
| 6 | Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 |
| 7 | Dear Sir: |
| 8 | Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to |
| 9 | inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On |
| 10 | a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women |
| 11 | ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the |
| 12 | age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing |
| 13 | long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman |
| 14 | ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate |
| 15 | in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call |
| 16 | us. |
| 17 | Sympathetically, |
| 18 | Amanda L. Smith |
| 19 | |
| 20 | p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you |
| 21 | wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? |
| 22 | % |
| 23 | MOUNTIES: |
| 24 | I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK, |
| 25 | I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works |
| 26 | all day. |
| 27 | |
| 28 | I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, |
| 29 | I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory. |
| 30 | On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping, |
| 31 | And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea. |
| 32 | |
| 33 | I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, |
| 34 | I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers. |
| 35 | I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing, |
| 36 | And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars. |
| 37 | |
| 38 | I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels, |
| 39 | Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra? |
| 40 | I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude... |
| 41 | Just like my dear Pappa. |
| 42 | % |
| 43 | FROM THE DESK OF |
| 44 | Snow White |
| 45 | |
| 46 | Dear Snow White: |
| 47 | |
| 48 | Thanks for last night. |
| 49 | |
| 50 | Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful |
| 51 | % |
| 52 | LEPROSY |
| 53 | Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me. |
| 54 | I'm not half the man I used to be. |
| 55 | Oh, how did I get leprosy? |
| 56 | |
| 57 | Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss. |
| 58 | Now it even hurts to take a piss. |
| 59 | Oh why did I get syphilis? |
| 60 | |
| 61 | Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say. |
| 62 | I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday .... |
| 63 | -- To the tune of "Yesterday" |
| 64 | % |
| 65 | THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF |
| 66 | |
| 67 | An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth |
| 68 | Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all |
| 69 | who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. |
| 70 | In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following |
| 71 | beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma: |
| 72 | |
| 73 | --That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from |
| 74 | which UFOs come. |
| 75 | --That pi equals precisely 3.000. |
| 76 | --That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully |
| 77 | squared the circle. |
| 78 | --That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. |
| 79 | |
| 80 | Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied, |
| 81 | including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood |
| 82 | special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal |
| 83 | Bull. |
| 84 | % |
| 85 | The Snack |
| 86 | Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby. |
| 87 | |
| 88 | What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey. |
| 89 | |
| 90 | Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't |
| 91 | recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates |
| 92 | caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have |
| 93 | I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer? |
| 94 | |
| 95 | But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy. |
| 96 | And am I not the master of my own? |
| 97 | |
| 98 | Nothing to eat? |
| 99 | What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you |
| 100 | just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed |
| 101 | Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner. |
| 102 | |
| 103 | Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles. |
| 104 | -- L.L. Zeiger |
| 105 | % |
| 106 | ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even |
| 107 | worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the |
| 108 | 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was |
| 109 | considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever |
| 110 | showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would |
| 111 | have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect |
| 112 | was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such |
| 113 | as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. |
| 114 | -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" |
| 115 | % |
| 116 | A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks |
| 117 | over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?" |
| 118 | "No." |
| 119 | So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. |
| 120 | % |
| 121 | A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife |
| 122 | of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he |
| 123 | drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she |
| 124 | probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover." |
| 125 | When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He |
| 126 | says, "Hello. Is my wife there?" |
| 127 | "Yes, sir", the maid whispers. |
| 128 | "Is she with her lover?" |
| 129 | The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say |
| 130 | that I feel terrible about how she treats you." |
| 131 | The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you |
| 132 | say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check |
| 133 | to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating |
| 134 | two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to |
| 135 | the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you." |
| 136 | The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps, |
| 137 | silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back |
| 138 | to the phone and says "It's done." |
| 139 | The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?" |
| 140 | "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies. |
| 141 | "Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?" |
| 142 | % |
| 143 | A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians. |
| 144 | This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use |
| 145 | them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the |
| 146 | following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that |
| 147 | he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate |
| 148 | the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to |
| 149 | see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the |
| 150 | Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear. |
| 151 | At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later, |
| 152 | he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town. |
| 153 | Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy |
| 154 | his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is |
| 155 | brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends |
| 156 | down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it |
| 157 | right this time -- go into town and get the posse!" |
| 158 | % |
| 159 | A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a |
| 160 | buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and |
| 161 | the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the |
| 162 | boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks |
| 163 | the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, |
| 164 | the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if |
| 165 | they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. |
| 166 | Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the |
| 167 | farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of |
| 168 | frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling |
| 169 | in the mud. |
| 170 | Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I |
| 171 | don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check |
| 172 | today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. |
| 173 | "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" |
| 174 | "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in |
| 175 | the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" |
| 176 | % |
| 177 | A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did |
| 178 | for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do |
| 179 | all day?" |
| 180 | Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." |
| 181 | "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" |
| 182 | Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a |
| 183 | mailman." |
| 184 | "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" |
| 185 | Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a |
| 186 | whorehouse." |
| 187 | The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. |
| 188 | Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father |
| 189 | answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded |
| 190 | an explanation. |
| 191 | Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do |
| 192 | you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?" |
| 193 | % |
| 194 | A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice |
| 195 | from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion. |
| 196 | "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think |
| 197 | you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let |
| 198 | him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out." |
| 199 | The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths |
| 200 | are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly |
| 201 | gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in |
| 202 | the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal |
| 203 | Pretzel hold. |
| 204 | The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down |
| 205 | on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a |
| 206 | scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and |
| 207 | pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach |
| 208 | finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out |
| 209 | of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!" |
| 210 | "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw |
| 211 | this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured |
| 212 | what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach, |
| 213 | you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!" |
| 214 | % |
| 215 | A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical |
| 216 | island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that |
| 217 | could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They |
| 218 | were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of |
| 219 | the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to |
| 220 | the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head |
| 221 | downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the |
| 222 | charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two |
| 223 | men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. |
| 224 | Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with |
| 225 | blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could |
| 226 | only blurt out, "What happened?" |
| 227 | "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the |
| 228 | ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I |
| 229 | grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left |
| 230 | hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of |
| 231 | the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down |
| 232 | to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" |
| 233 | % |
| 234 | A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops |
| 235 | in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down, |
| 236 | and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a |
| 237 | conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar |
| 238 | go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by |
| 239 | seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching. |
| 240 | 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock: |
| 241 | "Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?" |
| 242 | He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes. |
| 243 | "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and |
| 244 | hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her |
| 245 | goodbye, and runs out the front door. |
| 246 | He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the |
| 247 | doorway. |
| 248 | "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it." |
| 249 | "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went |
| 250 | to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We |
| 251 | had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..." |
| 252 | "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me! |
| 253 | You've been bowling again!" |
| 254 | % |
| 255 | A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved |
| 256 | dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his |
| 257 | brother and inquires after his pet. |
| 258 | "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. |
| 259 | The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," |
| 260 | he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way |
| 261 | of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got |
| 262 | outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a |
| 263 | corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" |
| 264 | "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." |
| 265 | "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? |
| 266 | How's Mom?" |
| 267 | His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got |
| 268 | outside one day..." |
| 269 | % |
| 270 | A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? |
| 271 | I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." |
| 272 | A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that |
| 273 | be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." |
| 274 | "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my |
| 275 | dog's stuck in its throat." |
| 276 | % |
| 277 | A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled, |
| 278 | "Hi, honey, I'm home." |
| 279 | There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note |
| 280 | on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about |
| 281 | 8. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when |
| 282 | I get home." |
| 283 | Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his |
| 284 | stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over |
| 285 | from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the |
| 286 | doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired |
| 287 | girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said. |
| 288 | He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he |
| 289 | was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in |
| 290 | the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and |
| 291 | complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!" |
| 292 | % |
| 293 | A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing |
| 294 | out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?" |
| 295 | "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!" |
| 296 | The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green |
| 297 | valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," |
| 298 | he says. |
| 299 | Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps, |
| 300 | "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!" |
| 301 | % |
| 302 | A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a |
| 303 | terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at |
| 304 | Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got |
| 305 | homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've |
| 306 | got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress |
| 307 | who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." |
| 308 | The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss |
| 309 | something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." |
| 310 | "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." |
| 311 | % |
| 312 | A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The |
| 313 | bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is. |
| 314 | "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies. |
| 315 | About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and |
| 316 | 6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?" |
| 317 | To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers |
| 318 | are lovers." |
| 319 | Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders |
| 320 | NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone |
| 321 | in your family like pussy?" |
| 322 | "Yeah. Me and my sister." |
| 323 | % |
| 324 | A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old |
| 325 | Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches |
| 326 | down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip |
| 327 | and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this |
| 328 | is eight-year-old Scotch." |
| 329 | The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch, |
| 330 | pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you -- |
| 331 | most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even |
| 332 | had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this |
| 333 | is on the house." |
| 334 | A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this |
| 335 | conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this." |
| 336 | The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which |
| 337 | the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?" |
| 338 | % |
| 339 | A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks |
| 340 | up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the |
| 341 | little Leprechaun. |
| 342 | After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, |
| 343 | struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction |
| 344 | worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp, |
| 345 | Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is |
| 346 | pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners. |
| 347 | After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and |
| 348 | walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again. |
| 349 | Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and, |
| 350 | after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him |
| 351 | in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off |
| 352 | his little dick!" |
| 353 | Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks." |
| 354 | "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?" |
| 355 | "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!" |
| 356 | % |
| 357 | A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country |
| 358 | flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a |
| 359 | large button with the letters "NAA" on it. |
| 360 | "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button. |
| 361 | "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied. |
| 362 | After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my |
| 363 | asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed' |
| 364 | men?" |
| 365 | "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better |
| 366 | hung than *anybody*." |
| 367 | "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?" |
| 368 | "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last |
| 369 | all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?" |
| 370 | "Running Bear Sheldon." |
| 371 | % |
| 372 | A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA. |
| 373 | He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some |
| 374 | gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights |
| 375 | were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure |
| 376 | what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry, |
| 377 | "Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was |
| 378 | a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his |
| 379 | ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?" |
| 380 | "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my |
| 381 | clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!" |
| 382 | "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just |
| 383 | hasn't been your day, has it?" |
| 384 | % |
| 385 | A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this |
| 386 | particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the |
| 387 | man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very |
| 388 | fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, |
| 389 | felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under |
| 390 | the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" |
| 391 | Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as |
| 392 | quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, |
| 393 | "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" |
| 394 | With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd |
| 395 | like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" |
| 396 | % |
| 397 | A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and, |
| 398 | while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife |
| 399 | was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the |
| 400 | Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family. |
| 401 | The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew |
| 402 | that he had ever eaten. |
| 403 | "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What |
| 404 | kind of meat is it?" |
| 405 | "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican. |
| 406 | "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here." |
| 407 | "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem." |
| 408 | "Rabbits don't make any noise..." |
| 409 | "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!" |
| 410 | % |
| 411 | A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother |
| 412 | asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange |
| 413 | symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. |
| 414 | The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, |
| 415 | "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." |
| 416 | The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little |
| 417 | girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She |
| 418 | turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!" |
| 419 | "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as |
| 420 | kissed a man!" |
| 421 | The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, |
| 422 | silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued |
| 423 | staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something |
| 424 | wrong out there?" |
| 425 | "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything |
| 426 | like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if |
| 427 | another one was going to show up." |
| 428 | % |
| 429 | A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon |
| 430 | two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what |
| 431 | I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". |
| 432 | As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, |
| 433 | he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." |
| 434 | % |
| 435 | A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a |
| 436 | car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe |
| 437 | and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager. |
| 438 | Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off. |
| 439 | Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was |
| 440 | decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't |
| 441 | driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!" |
| 442 | "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged |
| 443 | aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved |
| 444 | at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!" |
| 445 | "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger |
| 446 | like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?" |
| 447 | % |
| 448 | A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have |
| 449 | some good news and some bad news." |
| 450 | He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news." |
| 451 | She replied, "You're not sterile." |
| 452 | % |
| 453 | A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the |
| 454 | consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The |
| 455 | sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable |
| 456 | for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly |
| 457 | and lustful pursuits. |
| 458 | The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, |
| 459 | if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, |
| 460 | then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he |
| 461 | is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife. |
| 462 | The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, |
| 463 | a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the |
| 464 | affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair |
| 465 | is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he |
| 466 | is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with |
| 467 | his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!" |
| 468 | % |
| 469 | A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking |
| 470 | for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his |
| 471 | qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the |
| 472 | white man and said: "You leave! No job!" |
| 473 | The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but |
| 474 | that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow |
| 475 | him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief. |
| 476 | "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making |
| 477 | your dog, here, talk!" |
| 478 | "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he |
| 479 | heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me |
| 480 | good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!" |
| 481 | "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger, |
| 482 | "the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!" |
| 483 | "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he |
| 484 | heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to |
| 485 | the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty." |
| 486 | The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his |
| 487 | final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk. |
| 488 | "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!" |
| 489 | % |
| 490 | A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom |
| 491 | asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!" |
| 492 | She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after |
| 493 | work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men |
| 494 | should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things." |
| 495 | So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in: |
| 496 | "You get laid today, Billy?" |
| 497 | "Yeah, Dad." |
| 498 | "How was it?" |
| 499 | "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot." |
| 500 | "Good Boy!". |
| 501 | A month later: "You get laid today?" |
| 502 | "No, Dad." |
| 503 | "No? How come?" |
| 504 | "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore." |
| 505 | % |
| 506 | A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The |
| 507 | Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come." |
| 508 | The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for |
| 509 | miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that. |
| 510 | Replies the Indian, "Ear wet." |
| 511 | -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent |
| 512 | Life in the Universe" |
| 513 | % |
| 514 | A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were |
| 515 | to die, would you remarry?" |
| 516 | After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in |
| 517 | this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." |
| 518 | The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" |
| 519 | "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." |
| 520 | "Well, would you live in this house?" |
| 521 | "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. |
| 522 | I've always loved it here." |
| 523 | "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" |
| 524 | "No." |
| 525 | "Why not?" |
| 526 | "She's left handed." |
| 527 | % |
| 528 | A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park. |
| 529 | They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate |
| 530 | love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned |
| 531 | to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time." |
| 532 | She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off |
| 533 | my pantyhose." |
| 534 | % |
| 535 | A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob, |
| 536 | whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to |
| 537 | settle for a kiss." |
| 538 | The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?" |
| 539 | % |
| 540 | After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient |
| 541 | earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several |
| 542 | minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. |
| 543 | "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a |
| 544 | name for my baby." |
| 545 | "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds |
| 546 | of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. |
| 547 | "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first |
| 548 | name." |
| 549 | % |
| 550 | All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his |
| 551 | number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas |
| 552 | was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the |
| 553 | vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really |
| 554 | expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for |
| 555 | Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the |
| 556 | NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner |
| 557 | is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope" |
| 558 | TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn. |
| 559 | We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing. |
| 560 | Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent |
| 561 | to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding |
| 562 | their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best |
| 563 | running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker. |
| 564 | But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National |
| 565 | Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting |
| 566 | drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not |
| 567 | always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip |
| 568 | if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals. |
| 569 | -- Hunter S. Thompson |
| 570 | % |
| 571 | An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before |
| 572 | officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha |
| 573 | house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san, |
| 574 | yaki-san." |
| 575 | Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first |
| 576 | Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy." |
| 577 | When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment, |
| 578 | which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course. |
| 579 | After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made |
| 580 | a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai! |
| 581 | Bonsai!" |
| 582 | Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the |
| 583 | new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san, |
| 584 | yaki-san!" |
| 585 | The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed, |
| 586 | "What do you mean, wrong hole?" |
| 587 | % |
| 588 | An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial |
| 589 | city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish |
| 590 | arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained |
| 591 | the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the |
| 592 | testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today. |
| 593 | The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious. |
| 594 | Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was |
| 595 | served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are |
| 596 | much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." |
| 597 | "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose." |
| 598 | % |
| 599 | An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her |
| 600 | porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She |
| 601 | picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie |
| 602 | tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. |
| 603 | After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and |
| 604 | beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, |
| 605 | voluptuous woman. |
| 606 | After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich |
| 607 | for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are |
| 608 | stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. |
| 609 | The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" |
| 610 | "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my |
| 611 | faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young |
| 612 | handsome prince!" |
| 613 | And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, |
| 614 | handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. |
| 615 | As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to |
| 616 | the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me |
| 617 | fixed?" |
| 618 | % |
| 619 | An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a |
| 620 | man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?" |
| 621 | said the the soldier. |
| 622 | "My name is Mary," said the woman. |
| 623 | "And mine is Joseph," said the man. |
| 624 | "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you |
| 625 | going?" |
| 626 | "To Bethlehem." |
| 627 | "Your reason for going there?" |
| 628 | "To pay our taxes to the government." |
| 629 | "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?" |
| 630 | "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto |
| 631 | Ricans?" |
| 632 | % |
| 633 | An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the |
| 634 | remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, |
| 635 | "I have a dead pussy." |
| 636 | The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, |
| 637 | "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." |
| 638 | % |
| 639 | And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" |
| 640 | They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the |
| 641 | ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our |
| 642 | very selfhood revealed." |
| 643 | And Jesus replied, "What?" |
| 644 | % |
| 645 | "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best |
| 646 | to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the |
| 647 | posh hotel. |
| 648 | "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. |
| 649 | "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. |
| 650 | "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me |
| 651 | a postcard?" |
| 652 | % |
| 653 | Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how |
| 654 | Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only |
| 655 | an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack, |
| 656 | rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling |
| 657 | a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well, |
| 658 | all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just |
| 659 | 15 minutes a day! |
| 660 | SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate |
| 661 | sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through |
| 662 | the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal |
| 663 | muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the |
| 664 | "Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and, |
| 665 | of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or, |
| 666 | using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own! |
| 667 | SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely |
| 668 | immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely |
| 669 | textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and |
| 670 | limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries. |
| 671 | % |
| 672 | Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that |
| 673 | his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young |
| 674 | executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight |
| 675 | loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two |
| 676 | pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he |
| 677 | was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that |
| 678 | "if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he |
| 679 | finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had |
| 680 | lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that |
| 681 | was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same |
| 682 | regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running, |
| 683 | he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the |
| 684 | following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown |
| 685 | to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely |
| 686 | muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into |
| 687 | a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!" |
| 688 | % |
| 689 | Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American |
| 690 | Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to |
| 691 | the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only |
| 692 | one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me |
| 693 | have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow |
| 694 | was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, |
| 695 | "Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." |
| 696 | Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of |
| 697 | squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a |
| 698 | headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. |
| 699 | Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" |
| 700 | Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, |
| 701 | me fuck-em all." |
| 702 | Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!" |
| 703 | Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." |
| 704 | Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!" |
| 705 | Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all." |
| 706 | Ms. W: "Oh, dear!" |
| 707 | Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run |
| 708 | too fast." |
| 709 | % |
| 710 | Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, |
| 711 | Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and |
| 712 | subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this |
| 713 | sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste |
| 714 | treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." |
| 715 | Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's |
| 716 | blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. |
| 717 | Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to |
| 718 | see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. |
| 719 | "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. |
| 720 | "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" |
| 721 | % |
| 722 | Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best |
| 723 | friend asked him how it went. |
| 724 | "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second |
| 725 | night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six |
| 726 | times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the |
| 727 | last night, nothing!" |
| 728 | "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" |
| 729 | "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" |
| 730 | % |
| 731 | But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose |
| 732 | skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted |
| 733 | calf they were sucking hind teat... |
| 734 | Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they |
| 735 | called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to |
| 736 | the front of the bus." |
| 737 | But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all |
| 738 | deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove |
| 739 | yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like |
| 740 | unto a snowball in Hell." |
| 741 | -- "The Begatting of a President" |
| 742 | % |
| 743 | But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that |
| 744 | cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin |
| 745 | to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The |
| 746 | latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing |
| 747 | with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole |
| 748 | bunch of knuckles. |
| 749 | -- Harlan Ellison |
| 750 | % |
| 751 | "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with |
| 752 | your penis?" |
| 753 | "Uh, not right now." |
| 754 | "Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards." |
| 755 | -- Real Genius |
| 756 | % |
| 757 | Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one |
| 758 | particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, |
| 759 | a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, |
| 760 | said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew |
| 761 | himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up |
| 762 | your ass, you ugly cunt." |
| 763 | When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to |
| 764 | the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if |
| 765 | you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and |
| 766 | your play can go fuck yourselves." |
| 767 | At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table |
| 768 | to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And |
| 769 | if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's |
| 770 | unhesitating retort. |
| 771 | -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon |
| 772 | % |
| 773 | "Daddy?" |
| 774 | "Yes son." |
| 775 | "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?" |
| 776 | "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret |
| 777 | something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by |
| 778 | the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her, |
| 779 | `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'" |
| 780 | -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf" |
| 781 | % |
| 782 | Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule |
| 783 | |
| 784 | Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High |
| 785 | Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 |
| 786 | Sept 28 Blind Academy |
| 787 | Sept 30 World War I Veterans |
| 788 | Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 |
| 789 | Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders |
| 790 | Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir |
| 791 | Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic |
| 792 | Nov 9 Korean War Amputees |
| 793 | Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients |
| 794 | % |
| 795 | "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll |
| 796 | be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" |
| 797 | % |
| 798 | "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you. |
| 799 | We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?" |
| 800 | "But this is different," protested her husband. |
| 801 | "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden. |
| 802 | Now tell me what our problem is." |
| 803 | "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a |
| 804 | bastard child." |
| 805 | % |
| 806 | "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are |
| 807 | married?" |
| 808 | He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. |
| 809 | I've always been especially fond of married women." |
| 810 | % |
| 811 | Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted |
| 812 | to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it |
| 813 | quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already |
| 814 | had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she |
| 815 | now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming |
| 816 | in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck |
| 817 | the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door |
| 818 | she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in |
| 819 | response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my |
| 820 | ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, |
| 821 | and you... uh... don't have all the..." |
| 822 | "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" |
| 823 | % |
| 824 | "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, |
| 825 | sincerely, extremely dangerously. |
| 826 | They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. |
| 827 | They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used |
| 828 | intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. |
| 829 | They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They |
| 830 | used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the |
| 831 | bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. |
| 832 | They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. |
| 833 | They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. |
| 834 | -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" |
| 835 | % |
| 836 | During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were |
| 837 | blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face |
| 838 | country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost |
| 839 | hit my wife." |
| 840 | "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot |
| 841 | at mine, over there." |
| 842 | % |
| 843 | During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her |
| 844 | husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, |
| 845 | she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!" |
| 846 | % |
| 847 | Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a |
| 848 | blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, |
| 849 | while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved |
| 850 | to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a |
| 851 | pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father." |
| 852 | He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh, |
| 853 | stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father." |
| 854 | But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no |
| 855 | protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she |
| 856 | tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked. |
| 857 | Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the |
| 858 | tug at his sleeve. "Again?" |
| 859 | And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted |
| 860 | by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her |
| 861 | and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father." |
| 862 | % |
| 863 | Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller |
| 864 | and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better |
| 865 | than fried chicken, is it?" |
| 866 | Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said: |
| 867 | "I got to be dead honest, Roy." |
| 868 | And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him. |
| 869 | Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she |
| 870 | ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who |
| 871 | can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the |
| 872 | finest I've ever had." |
| 873 | -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough" |
| 874 | % |
| 875 | Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets, |
| 876 | those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing |
| 877 | needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport. |
| 878 | Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at |
| 879 | the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets. |
| 880 | No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The |
| 881 | ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the |
| 882 | contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers |
| 883 | should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to |
| 884 | the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better. |
| 885 | Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds. |
| 886 | The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record |
| 887 | of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is |
| 888 | not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten |
| 889 | and not care." |
| 890 | % |
| 891 | Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see |
| 892 | a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a |
| 893 | baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and |
| 894 | ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?" |
| 895 | The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, |
| 896 | which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give |
| 897 | you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?" |
| 898 | % |
| 899 | Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, |
| 900 | obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance |
| 901 | floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette |
| 902 | girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman |
| 903 | of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties |
| 904 | unimpaired?" |
| 905 | The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not |
| 906 | all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a |
| 907 | girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place |
| 908 | about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon |
| 909 | as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl." |
| 910 | "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago." |
| 911 | "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to |
| 912 | fail me." |
| 913 | % |
| 914 | Farmer Johnson was drunk again. |
| 915 | "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could |
| 916 | only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens." |
| 917 | Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if |
| 918 | only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows." |
| 919 | Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you |
| 920 | could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob." |
| 921 | % |
| 922 | "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight," |
| 923 | said the guy aggressively. |
| 924 | "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl. |
| 925 | "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in |
| 926 | town." |
| 927 | "Oh, no, you won't." |
| 928 | "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris." |
| 929 | "Oh, no, you won't." |
| 930 | "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you." |
| 931 | "Oh, no, you're not." |
| 932 | "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy. |
| 933 | "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl. |
| 934 | % |
| 935 | For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief |
| 936 | vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an |
| 937 | affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting |
| 938 | few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped |
| 939 | short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! |
| 940 | "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" |
| 941 | he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, |
| 942 | and the baby would have my name!" |
| 943 | "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, |
| 944 | we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be |
| 945 | better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." |
| 946 | % |
| 947 | Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as |
| 948 | usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular |
| 949 | evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, |
| 950 | such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." |
| 951 | One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, |
| 952 | and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four |
| 953 | fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... |
| 954 | At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded |
| 955 | in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second |
| 956 | professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others |
| 957 | nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'" |
| 958 | They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor |
| 959 | remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of |
| 960 | the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your |
| 961 | thoughts?" |
| 962 | Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" |
| 963 | % |
| 964 | Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their |
| 965 | engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who |
| 966 | was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy |
| 967 | and sarcastic?" |
| 968 | "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. |
| 969 | "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." |
| 970 | % |
| 971 | "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning |
| 972 | to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this |
| 973 | beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a |
| 974 | dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little |
| 975 | apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours |
| 976 | in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" |
| 977 | % |
| 978 | God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter |
| 979 | what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, |
| 980 | wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. |
| 981 | Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone |
| 982 | agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and |
| 983 | lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, |
| 984 | though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along |
| 985 | innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they |
| 986 | were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one. |
| 987 | -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" |
| 988 | % |
| 989 | God decided to take the devil to court and settle their |
| 990 | differences once and for all. |
| 991 | When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just |
| 992 | where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" |
| 993 | % |
| 994 | Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home |
| 995 | from the club to an irate, ranting wife. |
| 996 | "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You |
| 997 | promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost |
| 998 | nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." |
| 999 | "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised |
| 1000 | you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off |
| 1001 | right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes. Then, on |
| 1002 | the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't |
| 1003 | find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for |
| 1004 | the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... |
| 1005 | % |
| 1006 | Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. |
| 1007 | No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have |
| 1008 | been worse." |
| 1009 | To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a |
| 1010 | situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no |
| 1011 | hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, |
| 1012 | "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, |
| 1013 | found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned |
| 1014 | the gun on himself!" |
| 1015 | "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." |
| 1016 | "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly |
| 1017 | have been worse?" |
| 1018 | "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be |
| 1019 | dead right now." |
| 1020 | % |
| 1021 | Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his |
| 1022 | proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg |
| 1023 | and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself |
| 1024 | to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, |
| 1025 | nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. |
| 1026 | All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which |
| 1027 | she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. |
| 1028 | The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone |
| 1029 | in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big |
| 1030 | surprise," smiled the bride. |
| 1031 | Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his |
| 1032 | leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. |
| 1033 | "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the |
| 1034 | Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!" |
| 1035 | % |
| 1036 | "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." |
| 1037 | "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." |
| 1038 | "Do it alone?" |
| 1039 | "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." |
| 1040 | "How would that help?" |
| 1041 | "Used a whip." |
| 1042 | % |
| 1043 | "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" |
| 1044 | "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" |
| 1045 | "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." |
| 1046 | "Four hours to bury a cat!?" |
| 1047 | "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." |
| 1048 | "Oh, it's not dead then." |
| 1049 | "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're |
| 1050 | goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be |
| 1051 | on the safe side." |
| 1052 | "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento |
| 1053 | to a dead cat, do you?" |
| 1054 | -- Monty Python |
| 1055 | % |
| 1056 | "Hello, Police Department." |
| 1057 | "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually |
| 1058 | molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" |
| 1059 | "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." |
| 1060 | "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping |
| 1061 | on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. |
| 1062 | Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down. |
| 1063 | I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He |
| 1064 | held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I |
| 1065 | couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty |
| 1066 | pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an |
| 1067 | erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my |
| 1068 | throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. |
| 1069 | Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on |
| 1070 | my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to |
| 1071 | say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't |
| 1072 | know how thick... into my... Just a minute." |
| 1073 | "What's the matter, mister?" |
| 1074 | "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower." |
| 1075 | % |
| 1076 | Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled |
| 1077 | with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John |
| 1078 | Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't |
| 1079 | define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the |
| 1080 | court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to |
| 1081 | Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't |
| 1082 | it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when |
| 1083 | his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an |
| 1084 | enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a |
| 1085 | ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except |
| 1086 | that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about |
| 1087 | it because the court was going to take a nap. |
| 1088 | -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" |
| 1089 | % |
| 1090 | "How'd you get that flat?" |
| 1091 | "Ran over a bottle." |
| 1092 | "Didn't you see it?" |
| 1093 | "Damn kid had it under his coat." |
| 1094 | % |
| 1095 | "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into |
| 1096 | the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." |
| 1097 | "Who was that?" his young wife asked. |
| 1098 | "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." |
| 1099 | % |
| 1100 | "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame |
| 1101 | society. Society made me what I am today!" |
| 1102 | "That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk |
| 1103 | like me." |
| 1104 | "It still... hurts... auugghh!" |
| 1105 | "You're going to be okay..." |
| 1106 | "...gurgle..." |
| 1107 | "... maybe not." |
| 1108 | -- Repo Man |
| 1109 | % |
| 1110 | "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks," |
| 1111 | the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?" |
| 1112 | "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to |
| 1113 | take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the |
| 1114 | camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank, |
| 1115 | the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind |
| 1116 | the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks. |
| 1117 | The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed |
| 1118 | like twenty more gallons of water. |
| 1119 | The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God, |
| 1120 | man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!" |
| 1121 | The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the |
| 1122 | bricks." |
| 1123 | % |
| 1124 | "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight. |
| 1125 | "Oh, how can you tell?" |
| 1126 | "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't |
| 1127 | hear the stereo." |
| 1128 | % |
| 1129 | I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, |
| 1130 | "What'll you have, Bud"? |
| 1131 | I said," I don't know, surprise me". |
| 1132 | So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. |
| 1133 | -- Rodney Dangerfield |
| 1134 | % |
| 1135 | "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the |
| 1136 | young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. |
| 1137 | I'm on my way." |
| 1138 | "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" |
| 1139 | % |
| 1140 | In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be |
| 1141 | mud." |
| 1142 | And there was mud. |
| 1143 | And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud |
| 1144 | can see what we have done." |
| 1145 | And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was |
| 1146 | man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. |
| 1147 | "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. |
| 1148 | "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. |
| 1149 | "Certainly," said man. |
| 1150 | "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. |
| 1151 | And He went away. |
| 1152 | -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu" |
| 1153 | % |
| 1154 | In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads |
| 1155 | In the evening, floating in the soup. |
| 1156 | (chorus): |
| 1157 | Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; |
| 1158 | Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! |
| 1159 | You can ask them anything you want to. |
| 1160 | They won't answer; they can't talk. |
| 1161 | (chorus): |
| 1162 | I took a fish head out to see a movie, |
| 1163 | Didn't have to pay to get it in. |
| 1164 | (chorus): |
| 1165 | They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; |
| 1166 | They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. |
| 1167 | (chorus): |
| 1168 | Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in |
| 1169 | Italian restaurants with Oriental women. |
| 1170 | (chorus): |
| 1171 | Fishy! |
| 1172 | (chorus): |
| 1173 | -- Fish Heads |
| 1174 | % |
| 1175 | In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially |
| 1176 | announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference |
| 1177 | today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have |
| 1178 | a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together |
| 1179 | in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned |
| 1180 | around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all |
| 1181 | those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" |
| 1182 | There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's |
| 1183 | citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to |
| 1184 | these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other |
| 1185 | than a citizen bless their country?" |
| 1186 | % |
| 1187 | It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and |
| 1188 | they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed. |
| 1189 | One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with |
| 1190 | them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?" |
| 1191 | Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful |
| 1192 | thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the |
| 1193 | Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well |
| 1194 | brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt." |
| 1195 | % |
| 1196 | It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving |
| 1197 | in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented |
| 1198 | Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They |
| 1199 | said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private |
| 1200 | life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the |
| 1201 | Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the |
| 1202 | Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring. |
| 1203 | -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream" |
| 1204 | % |
| 1205 | It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the |
| 1206 | American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know, |
| 1207 | sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different |
| 1208 | ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?" |
| 1209 | "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this |
| 1210 | country there's only one." |
| 1211 | "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez |
| 1212 | that?" |
| 1213 | "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --" |
| 1214 | "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!" |
| 1215 | % |
| 1216 | "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and |
| 1217 | Jewish men?" |
| 1218 | "You really want to know?" |
| 1219 | "Yeah." |
| 1220 | "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And |
| 1221 | Catholic girls fuck like bunnies." |
| 1222 | % |
| 1223 | Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of |
| 1224 | her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit |
| 1225 | the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her |
| 1226 | way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly |
| 1227 | begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her |
| 1228 | stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. |
| 1229 | "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of |
| 1230 | the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't |
| 1231 | mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your |
| 1232 | wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." |
| 1233 | "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one |
| 1234 | can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." |
| 1235 | "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on |
| 1236 | the dining room skylight." |
| 1237 | % |
| 1238 | Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't |
| 1239 | seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating |
| 1240 | with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however, |
| 1241 | it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate |
| 1242 | again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This |
| 1243 | suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many |
| 1244 | life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis |
| 1245 | become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened: |
| 1246 | The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After |
| 1247 | some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate. |
| 1248 | The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the |
| 1249 | male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until |
| 1250 | the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the |
| 1251 | male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on |
| 1252 | Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office |
| 1253 | on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for |
| 1254 | a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies |
| 1255 | matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him. |
| 1256 | Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome |
| 1257 | has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is |
| 1258 | why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled |
| 1259 | to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it |
| 1260 | occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while. |
| 1261 | % |
| 1262 | Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the |
| 1263 | mirror, admiring her breasts. |
| 1264 | "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked. |
| 1265 | "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a |
| 1266 | twenty-five-year-old." |
| 1267 | "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old |
| 1268 | ass?" |
| 1269 | "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all." |
| 1270 | % |
| 1271 | Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. |
| 1272 | Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, |
| 1273 | without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In |
| 1274 | an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to |
| 1275 | prison. |
| 1276 | They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports |
| 1277 | in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get |
| 1278 | them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're |
| 1279 | hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced |
| 1280 | to death. |
| 1281 | The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll |
| 1282 | be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have |
| 1283 | any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in |
| 1284 | Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to |
| 1285 | Murray. |
| 1286 | "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he |
| 1287 | spits in the sergeants face. |
| 1288 | "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." |
| 1289 | -- Arthur Naiman |
| 1290 | % |
| 1291 | "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a |
| 1292 | barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!" |
| 1293 | "Not in California." |
| 1294 | % |
| 1295 | "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things |
| 1296 | a girl should not do before twenty." |
| 1297 | "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large |
| 1298 | audience, either." |
| 1299 | % |
| 1300 | Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for |
| 1301 | you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an |
| 1302 | oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many |
| 1303 | cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment. |
| 1304 | Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially |
| 1305 | the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are |
| 1306 | repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw |
| 1307 | in the others. |
| 1308 | While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture |
| 1309 | of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took |
| 1310 | it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. |
| 1311 | Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had |
| 1312 | therapy ask if people have had therapy. |
| 1313 | Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. |
| 1314 | Assume that she bought them at a flea market. |
| 1315 | -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan |
| 1316 | % |
| 1317 | Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the |
| 1318 | people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many |
| 1319 | times a job applicant has had the clap. |
| 1320 | Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written |
| 1321 | by a professional liar? |
| 1322 | If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question: |
| 1323 | did the applicant go to TCU? |
| 1324 | If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she |
| 1325 | have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall? |
| 1326 | -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" |
| 1327 | % |
| 1328 | On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum |
| 1329 | to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. |
| 1330 | There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning |
| 1331 | alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't |
| 1332 | dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is |
| 1333 | saying." |
| 1334 | The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near |
| 1335 | the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back |
| 1336 | to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is |
| 1337 | singing." |
| 1338 | "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" |
| 1339 | "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." |
| 1340 | % |
| 1341 | Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of |
| 1342 | bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the |
| 1343 | court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed |
| 1344 | that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 |
| 1345 | pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the |
| 1346 | women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band |
| 1347 | played appropriate music. |
| 1348 | Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon. |
| 1349 | He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth |
| 1350 | rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved |
| 1351 | multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music. |
| 1352 | After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the |
| 1353 | King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped |
| 1354 | his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, |
| 1355 | but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose. |
| 1356 | The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored |
| 1357 | banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen." |
| 1358 | % |
| 1359 | One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community |
| 1360 | and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and |
| 1361 | turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?" |
| 1362 | Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the |
| 1363 | one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable." |
| 1364 | The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the |
| 1365 | way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked." |
| 1366 | % |
| 1367 | One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to |
| 1368 | seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp |
| 1369 | and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone |
| 1370 | bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the |
| 1371 | flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves, |
| 1372 | soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid |
| 1373 | her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance. |
| 1374 | He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket, |
| 1375 | connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt. |
| 1376 | Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM." |
| 1377 | With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with |
| 1378 | his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly |
| 1379 | discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying |
| 1380 | various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost |
| 1381 | all of its field strength. |
| 1382 | Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her |
| 1383 | solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to |
| 1384 | excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing |
| 1385 | each others fuses. |
| 1386 | -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron" |
| 1387 | % |
| 1388 | One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while |
| 1389 | visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks |
| 1390 | up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to |
| 1391 | say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in |
| 1392 | kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...! |
| 1393 | The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs |
| 1394 | the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so, |
| 1395 | he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person. |
| 1396 | Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims, |
| 1397 | "Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?" |
| 1398 | "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He |
| 1399 | never writes..." |
| 1400 | % |
| 1401 | One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss |
| 1402 | HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he |
| 1403 | there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely |
| 1404 | made his TOOSIE ROLL. |
| 1405 | He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT |
| 1406 | which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she |
| 1407 | squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3 |
| 1408 | MUSKETEERS." |
| 1409 | -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem" |
| 1410 | % |
| 1411 | One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were |
| 1412 | sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out |
| 1413 | of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there |
| 1414 | worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars." |
| 1415 | "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an |
| 1416 | instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with |
| 1417 | the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back |
| 1418 | into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face. |
| 1419 | "Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says. |
| 1420 | "Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost |
| 1421 | dark, and they say their goodnights and part. |
| 1422 | The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes |
| 1423 | out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday, |
| 1424 | grandpa.", he remarks. |
| 1425 | "Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma." |
| 1426 | % |
| 1427 | "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the |
| 1428 | science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by |
| 1429 | some concrete example." |
| 1430 | Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated." |
| 1431 | "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through |
| 1432 | a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true." |
| 1433 | "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in |
| 1434 | the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean." |
| 1435 | "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible |
| 1436 | to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --" |
| 1437 | "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete |
| 1438 | example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of |
| 1439 | course arise from a choice of the wrong example." |
| 1440 | -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen" |
| 1441 | % |
| 1442 | Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a |
| 1443 | state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a |
| 1444 | dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter) |
| 1445 | and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and |
| 1446 | eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they |
| 1447 | shout, too): |
| 1448 | "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!" |
| 1449 | Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he |
| 1450 | was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers |
| 1451 | flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted: |
| 1452 | "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!" |
| 1453 | As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of |
| 1454 | amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck! |
| 1455 | So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck |
| 1456 | tottering to the cliffside and shouting: |
| 1457 | "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!! |
| 1458 | % |
| 1459 | People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily |
| 1460 | motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in |
| 1461 | jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are |
| 1462 | bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and |
| 1463 | then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in |
| 1464 | a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of |
| 1465 | a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking |
| 1466 | out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other |
| 1467 | side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels. |
| 1468 | Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt |
| 1469 | blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free |
| 1470 | of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has |
| 1471 | the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments |
| 1472 | are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the |
| 1473 | circuits. |
| 1474 | When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter |
| 1475 | of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics |
| 1476 | junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things |
| 1477 | that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand. |
| 1478 | -- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" |
| 1479 | % |
| 1480 | People who write position papers often find themselves in an |
| 1481 | enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the |
| 1482 | position. |
| 1483 | A good position paper will have many words in it like |
| 1484 | "superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification." |
| 1485 | You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase |
| 1486 | limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper. |
| 1487 | Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in |
| 1488 | position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert |
| 1489 | Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol. |
| 1490 | A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a |
| 1491 | semicolon. |
| 1492 | -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" |
| 1493 | % |
| 1494 | Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old |
| 1495 | has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable |
| 1496 | Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?" |
| 1497 | The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is |
| 1498 | definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho, |
| 1499 | gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." |
| 1500 | The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay |
| 1501 | Santa," she begs. |
| 1502 | He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, |
| 1503 | you know." |
| 1504 | She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing |
| 1505 | at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads. |
| 1506 | "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." |
| 1507 | Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her |
| 1508 | warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs. |
| 1509 | Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey, |
| 1510 | gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way." |
| 1511 | % |
| 1512 | Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde |
| 1513 | stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If |
| 1514 | this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she |
| 1515 | doesn't deserve to have any." |
| 1516 | |
| 1517 | James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") |
| 1518 | failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to |
| 1519 | remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a |
| 1520 | major general." |
| 1521 | |
| 1522 | (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, |
| 1523 | complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a |
| 1524 | while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." |
| 1525 | |
| 1526 | Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly |
| 1527 | pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening |
| 1528 | sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing |
| 1529 | more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand |
| 1530 | on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning |
| 1531 | out of the car. "Run for your life!" |
| 1532 | |
| 1533 | Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the |
| 1534 | Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular |
| 1535 | story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was |
| 1536 | roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the |
| 1537 | house." |
| 1538 | "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate |
| 1539 | maybe, but not in the House." |
| 1540 | |
| 1541 | % |
| 1542 | Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the |
| 1543 | still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence. |
| 1544 | Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his |
| 1545 | exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?" |
| 1546 | Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee." |
| 1547 | Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of |
| 1548 | love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a |
| 1549 | prick." |
| 1550 | "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I |
| 1551 | assure you, that's a wee-wee." |
| 1552 | % |
| 1553 | Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a |
| 1554 | certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his |
| 1555 | own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I |
| 1556 | care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young |
| 1557 | statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my |
| 1558 | dick." |
| 1559 | While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was |
| 1560 | asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers. |
| 1561 | "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a |
| 1562 | whimsical smile, "They're assholes." |
| 1563 | Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at |
| 1564 | the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of |
| 1565 | Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the |
| 1566 | upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was |
| 1567 | wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister |
| 1568 | had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion |
| 1569 | and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room |
| 1570 | stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are |
| 1571 | you staring at, homo?" |
| 1572 | -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon |
| 1573 | % |
| 1574 | "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of |
| 1575 | coffee?" |
| 1576 | "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!", |
| 1577 | answered the gentleman, rather shortly. |
| 1578 | "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny." |
| 1579 | % |
| 1580 | "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a |
| 1581 | sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. |
| 1582 | "How do you know?" the friend asked. |
| 1583 | "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where |
| 1584 | she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." |
| 1585 | "So?" |
| 1586 | "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." |
| 1587 | % |
| 1588 | The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just |
| 1589 | say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these |
| 1590 | primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, |
| 1591 | and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal |
| 1592 | saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think |
| 1593 | you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same |
| 1594 | time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of |
| 1595 | Northern Mali that you may be interested in." |
| 1596 | So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic |
| 1597 | publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest |
| 1598 | naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason |
| 1599 | naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an |
| 1600 | article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System |
| 1601 | Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But |
| 1602 | others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. |
| 1603 | Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. |
| 1604 | -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" |
| 1605 | % |
| 1606 | The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: |
| 1607 | "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle |
| 1608 | in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" |
| 1609 | "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, |
| 1610 | but not much good in a fight." |
| 1611 | % |
| 1612 | The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating |
| 1613 | a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to |
| 1614 | his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." |
| 1615 | So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, |
| 1616 | please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he |
| 1617 | sees nothing but goyim..." |
| 1618 | "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think |
| 1619 | you got problems. What about my son?" |
| 1620 | % |
| 1621 | The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough |
| 1622 | physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, |
| 1623 | "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away |
| 1624 | from women." |
| 1625 | "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's |
| 1626 | second best?" |
| 1627 | % |
| 1628 | The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had |
| 1629 | made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her |
| 1630 | footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the |
| 1631 | reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting, |
| 1632 | madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore." |
| 1633 | "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight |
| 1634 | every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it." |
| 1635 | "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut |
| 1636 | the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that." |
| 1637 | -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" |
| 1638 | % |
| 1639 | The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. |
| 1640 | As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". |
| 1641 | "What happened?" |
| 1642 | "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and |
| 1643 | -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" |
| 1644 | % |
| 1645 | The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. |
| 1646 | After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a |
| 1647 | branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his |
| 1648 | wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." |
| 1649 | The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's |
| 1650 | horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. |
| 1651 | Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. |
| 1652 | "That's two," he said. |
| 1653 | Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit |
| 1654 | crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was |
| 1655 | off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he |
| 1656 | shot the horse between the eyes. |
| 1657 | "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I |
| 1658 | married! You're a sadist, that's what!" |
| 1659 | The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. |
| 1660 | % |
| 1661 | The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well- |
| 1662 | dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he |
| 1663 | pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he |
| 1664 | replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor." |
| 1665 | "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge. |
| 1666 | "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it." |
| 1667 | % |
| 1668 | The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A |
| 1669 | waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?" |
| 1670 | "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered. |
| 1671 | As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he |
| 1672 | wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter |
| 1673 | returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal |
| 1674 | two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced |
| 1675 | a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat |
| 1676 | from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything |
| 1677 | with our hands," he explained. |
| 1678 | The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even |
| 1679 | have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this |
| 1680 | little piece of string attached to my apron?" |
| 1681 | "Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one." |
| 1682 | The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs. |
| 1683 | "Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string |
| 1684 | comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that |
| 1685 | piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary." |
| 1686 | "But how do you put it back?" |
| 1687 | "Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but |
| 1688 | I use the tongs." |
| 1689 | % |
| 1690 | The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of |
| 1691 | the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at |
| 1692 | the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to |
| 1693 | us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you." |
| 1694 | In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where |
| 1695 | Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel |
| 1696 | on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished |
| 1697 | his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from |
| 1698 | leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring |
| 1699 | negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate |
| 1700 | farewell is consummated between the sheets. |
| 1701 | As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand, |
| 1702 | pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished |
| 1703 | look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that |
| 1704 | we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'" |
| 1705 | She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea." |
| 1706 | % |
| 1707 | The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the |
| 1708 | way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she |
| 1709 | jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the |
| 1710 | tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was |
| 1711 | jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier! |
| 1712 | Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating |
| 1713 | candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three |
| 1714 | wildest girls I know. |
| 1715 | % |
| 1716 | The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian |
| 1717 | period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden |
| 1718 | frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline, |
| 1719 | as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator |
| 1720 | sport. |
| 1721 | The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for |
| 1722 | castrating pigs during Sunday service. |
| 1723 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
| 1724 | % |
| 1725 | The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John |
| 1726 | Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have |
| 1727 | stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the |
| 1728 | way when they try to be serious." |
| 1729 | "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get |
| 1730 | into the ether and the cocaine." |
| 1731 | "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug |
| 1732 | in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just |
| 1733 | chew it up like baseball gum." |
| 1734 | I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with |
| 1735 | the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then |
| 1736 | screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out |
| 1737 | across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from |
| 1738 | the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just |
| 1739 | did to us?" |
| 1740 | -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971 |
| 1741 | % |
| 1742 | THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION |
| 1743 | |
| 1744 | 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is |
| 1745 | loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty |
| 1746 | and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and |
| 1747 | phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or |
| 1748 | "Bullsheyet". |
| 1749 | 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little |
| 1750 | 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place. |
| 1751 | 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money. |
| 1752 | 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic. |
| 1753 | 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat. |
| 1754 | 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin. |
| 1755 | 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..." |
| 1756 | 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like. |
| 1757 | 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl. |
| 1758 | 10. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive. |
| 1759 | -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son |
| 1760 | of a Gun". |
| 1761 | % |
| 1762 | The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did |
| 1763 | wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too |
| 1764 | romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. |
| 1765 | So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be |
| 1766 | castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue |
| 1767 | factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was |
| 1768 | almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. |
| 1769 | After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time |
| 1770 | trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually |
| 1771 | ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look |
| 1772 | on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates. |
| 1773 | "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" |
| 1774 | "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand |
| 1775 | people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?" |
| 1776 | % |
| 1777 | The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went |
| 1778 | for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. |
| 1779 | "What would you like to do next?" he asked. |
| 1780 | "I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight |
| 1781 | guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some |
| 1782 | popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. |
| 1783 | "I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly. |
| 1784 | I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and |
| 1785 | using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. |
| 1786 | The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's |
| 1787 | wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" |
| 1788 | "Wousy," said the girl. |
| 1789 | % |
| 1790 | There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go |
| 1791 | and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain |
| 1792 | from sex for thirty days. |
| 1793 | Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks |
| 1794 | the first couple if they passed the test. |
| 1795 | "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month. |
| 1796 | "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter |
| 1797 | the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did. |
| 1798 | "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine |
| 1799 | until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and |
| 1800 | I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't |
| 1801 | stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it |
| 1802 | to her right there." |
| 1803 | "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into |
| 1804 | the Church after something like that." |
| 1805 | "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us |
| 1806 | into Safeway anymore either." |
| 1807 | % |
| 1808 | There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in |
| 1809 | a bar having a few drinks together. |
| 1810 | The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to |
| 1811 | drive your wife wild in bed?" |
| 1812 | "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the |
| 1813 | garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over |
| 1814 | her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives |
| 1815 | her wild with desire." |
| 1816 | "Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love |
| 1817 | I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!" |
| 1818 | Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does. |
| 1819 | "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump |
| 1820 | out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives |
| 1821 | her wild." |
| 1822 | % |
| 1823 | These two project managers were walking through a residential area |
| 1824 | one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its |
| 1825 | cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager |
| 1826 | nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun |
| 1827 | -- I wish I could do that!" |
| 1828 | Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried |
| 1829 | it once, and the damn dog bit me!" |
| 1830 | % |
| 1831 | "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their |
| 1832 | parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone |
| 1833 | being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" |
| 1834 | The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind |
| 1835 | Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the |
| 1836 | whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: |
| 1837 | "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information |
| 1838 | about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the |
| 1839 | country. We're completely computerized. |
| 1840 | "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false |
| 1841 | leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his |
| 1842 | real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the |
| 1843 | country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They |
| 1844 | look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... |
| 1845 | yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. |
| 1846 | I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' |
| 1847 | "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. |
| 1848 | He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. |
| 1849 | "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year |
| 1850 | we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if |
| 1851 | your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" |
| 1852 | -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 |
| 1853 | % |
| 1854 | This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks |
| 1855 | the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four |
| 1856 | months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. |
| 1857 | He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls |
| 1858 | up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special |
| 1859 | surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just |
| 1860 | come on over to the clinic." |
| 1861 | "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too |
| 1862 | embarrassed to be seen in public like this." |
| 1863 | "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up |
| 1864 | all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put |
| 1865 | on a top hat, and come on over." |
| 1866 | The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he |
| 1867 | reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk, |
| 1868 | dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the |
| 1869 | nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?" |
| 1870 | "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?" |
| 1871 | % |
| 1872 | This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters |
| 1873 | with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands |
| 1874 | dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him. |
| 1875 | "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks. |
| 1876 | Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim, |
| 1877 | the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next |
| 1878 | requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position. |
| 1879 | "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the |
| 1880 | guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of |
| 1881 | being so helpless. |
| 1882 | "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a |
| 1883 | *thing* 'til my nails dry!" |
| 1884 | % |
| 1885 | This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling |
| 1886 | good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair, |
| 1887 | sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?" |
| 1888 | "I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed... |
| 1889 | <sniffle>" |
| 1890 | So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady. |
| 1891 | He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and |
| 1892 | the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders |
| 1893 | away feeling wonderful. |
| 1894 | Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and |
| 1895 | sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the |
| 1896 | end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?" |
| 1897 | "I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..." |
| 1898 | The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings |
| 1899 | her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!" |
| 1900 | % |
| 1901 | Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge. |
| 1902 | The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for |
| 1903 | selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge |
| 1904 | asked, pointing at the first girl. |
| 1905 | "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied. |
| 1906 | "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second |
| 1907 | girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked. |
| 1908 | "Your honor, I'm an actress." |
| 1909 | "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about |
| 1910 | you?" he demanded. |
| 1911 | "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's |
| 1912 | the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been |
| 1913 | laid off." |
| 1914 | "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence. |
| 1915 | Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein, |
| 1916 | arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do |
| 1917 | for a living?" |
| 1918 | "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..." |
| 1919 | % |
| 1920 | Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally |
| 1921 | ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow |
| 1922 | shum money from my wife." |
| 1923 | The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, |
| 1924 | and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man. |
| 1925 | This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to |
| 1926 | affect the husband. |
| 1927 | "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he |
| 1928 | asked. |
| 1929 | "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for |
| 1930 | Pete's sake, turn off those lights." |
| 1931 | Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's |
| 1932 | enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?" |
| 1933 | "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle |
| 1934 | he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?" |
| 1935 | "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint." |
| 1936 | % |
| 1937 | Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club |
| 1938 | car of a train headed east out of Chicago. |
| 1939 | "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to |
| 1940 | London?" |
| 1941 | The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," |
| 1942 | he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town." |
| 1943 | The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did |
| 1944 | he say, Reggie?" |
| 1945 | "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman |
| 1946 | replied. |
| 1947 | After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You |
| 1948 | didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?" |
| 1949 | The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he |
| 1950 | exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months |
| 1951 | just before I came back to the States!" |
| 1952 | "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know. |
| 1953 | "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded. |
| 1954 | % |
| 1955 | Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they |
| 1956 | were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the |
| 1957 | side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck |
| 1958 | driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked. |
| 1959 | Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to |
| 1960 | deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, |
| 1961 | "Ah, why doncha suck my cock." |
| 1962 | "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going |
| 1963 | to be able to settle out of court." |
| 1964 | % |
| 1965 | Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how |
| 1966 | to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say |
| 1967 | `ass' and I'll say `hell'". |
| 1968 | All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their |
| 1969 | mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. |
| 1970 | "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." |
| 1971 | His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, |
| 1972 | and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" |
| 1973 | "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass |
| 1974 | it ain't gonna be Cheerios." |
| 1975 | % |
| 1976 | Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about |
| 1977 | their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife |
| 1978 | has cut me down to just once a week." |
| 1979 | "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know |
| 1980 | two guys she's cut off altogether. |
| 1981 | % |
| 1982 | Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering |
| 1983 | the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the |
| 1984 | mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he |
| 1985 | noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, |
| 1986 | hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and |
| 1987 | the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're |
| 1988 | lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he |
| 1989 | come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner |
| 1990 | asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally |
| 1991 | the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he |
| 1992 | said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at |
| 1993 | this ungodly hour?" |
| 1994 | The man said, "Come into the embalming room." |
| 1995 | They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now |
| 1996 | watch." |
| 1997 | He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The |
| 1998 | partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at |
| 1999 | three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"? |
| 2000 | % |
| 2001 | Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other |
| 2002 | and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen |
| 2003 | roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for |
| 2004 | three days." |
| 2005 | Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?" |
| 2006 | |
| 2007 | % |
| 2008 | We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the |
| 2009 | drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit |
| 2010 | lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible |
| 2011 | roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all |
| 2012 | swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a |
| 2013 | hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was |
| 2014 | screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?" |
| 2015 | Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and |
| 2016 | was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the |
| 2017 | hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his |
| 2018 | eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind," |
| 2019 | I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great |
| 2020 | Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the |
| 2021 | bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough. |
| 2022 | -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: |
| 2023 | A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream" |
| 2024 | % |
| 2025 | Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt |
| 2026 | great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt |
| 2027 | so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS |
| 2028 | THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" |
| 2029 | And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no |
| 2030 | one is mightier than you." |
| 2031 | A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: |
| 2032 | "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" |
| 2033 | The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to |
| 2034 | stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." |
| 2035 | The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was |
| 2036 | quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS |
| 2037 | THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" |
| 2038 | Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams |
| 2039 | him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of |
| 2040 | orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. |
| 2041 | The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man, |
| 2042 | you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!" |
| 2043 | % |
| 2044 | Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner. |
| 2045 | She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said, |
| 2046 | "Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to |
| 2047 | say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was |
| 2048 | reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly |
| 2049 | justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here |
| 2050 | ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham." |
| 2051 | That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and |
| 2052 | explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and |
| 2053 | suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace, |
| 2054 | the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham." |
| 2055 | Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip! |
| 2056 | How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?" |
| 2057 | % |
| 2058 | When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her |
| 2059 | operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long |
| 2060 | it would be before she could resume her sex life. |
| 2061 | "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. |
| 2062 | "You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" |
| 2063 | % |
| 2064 | When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact |
| 2065 | that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your |
| 2066 | hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing |
| 2067 | to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy |
| 2068 | but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty |
| 2069 | seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost |
| 2070 | invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, |
| 2071 | sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? |
| 2072 | Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. |
| 2073 | It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of |
| 2074 | Rumania. |
| 2075 | -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" |
| 2076 | % |
| 2077 | While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of |
| 2078 | the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, |
| 2079 | three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. |
| 2080 | "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" |
| 2081 | "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" |
| 2082 | "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and |
| 2083 | then. We're trying to catch her." |
| 2084 | "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you |
| 2085 | carrying a bucket of sand?" |
| 2086 | "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." |
| 2087 | % |
| 2088 | While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself |
| 2089 | out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to |
| 2090 | France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting |
| 2091 | proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you |
| 2092 | aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets |
| 2093 | and food. All it will cost you is a little love." |
| 2094 | The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on |
| 2095 | board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large |
| 2096 | tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway |
| 2097 | and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned |
| 2098 | into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one |
| 2099 | evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he |
| 2100 | waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding |
| 2101 | an explanation. She told him the whole story. |
| 2102 | "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I |
| 2103 | admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair |
| 2104 | to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry." |
| 2105 | % |
| 2106 | "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last |
| 2107 | night?" demanded the irate mother. |
| 2108 | "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." |
| 2109 | "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the |
| 2110 | movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." |
| 2111 | "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. |
| 2112 | "We did." |
| 2113 | % |
| 2114 | With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend |
| 2115 | Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, |
| 2116 | buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. |
| 2117 | "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. |
| 2118 | "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." |
| 2119 | "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue |
| 2120 | and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, |
| 2121 | "Okay. It's your wife." |
| 2122 | "My wife!!" |
| 2123 | "Yeah." |
| 2124 | "What about her?" |
| 2125 | Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around |
| 2126 | his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." |
| 2127 | % |
| 2128 | "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there |
| 2129 | be anything else?" |
| 2130 | % |
| 2131 | You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an |
| 2132 | elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you |
| 2133 | up in the bar last night?" |
| 2134 | "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. |
| 2135 | "Did I bring you home?" |
| 2136 | "Uh-huh." |
| 2137 | "Did we, uh, fool around?" |
| 2138 | "Uh-huh." |
| 2139 | "Lord, I must have been tight!" |
| 2140 | "Not any more." |
| 2141 | % |
| 2142 | ... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured |
| 2143 | we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful |
| 2144 | inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion |
| 2145 | as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the |
| 2146 | naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we |
| 2147 | might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do |
| 2148 | us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their |
| 2149 | protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear |
| 2150 | that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in |
| 2151 | God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect |
| 2152 | for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most |
| 2153 | virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are |
| 2154 | frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus |
| 2155 | because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity |
| 2156 | is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar |
| 2157 | is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to |
| 2158 | obscure such reality. |
| 2159 | -- Steve Allen |
| 2160 | % |
| 2161 | ... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed |
| 2162 | beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and |
| 2163 | quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's |
| 2164 | wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at |
| 2165 | the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald |
| 2166 | had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all |
| 2167 | concerned... |
| 2168 | I gan noo wha ma organs gan |
| 2169 | When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur |
| 2170 | So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat |
| 2171 | Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure |
| 2172 | And iver her purse was wet. |
| 2173 | But old Sir Oswald allus stank |
| 2174 | Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree |
| 2175 | And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out |
| 2176 | Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see |
| 2177 | What I have done without. |
| 2178 | But ere ye come to draw ma heart |
| 2179 | Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry |
| 2180 | But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me |
| 2181 | And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die |
| 2182 | Afore I have a pee. |
| 2183 | -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry" |
| 2184 | % |
| 2185 | 1. The sport of choice for the low skill level employees is: BASKETBALL. |
| 2186 | 2. The sport of choice for maintainence level employees is: BOWLING. |
| 2187 | 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL. |
| 2188 | 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL. |
| 2189 | 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS. |
| 2190 | 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF. |
| 2191 | |
| 2192 | AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller |
| 2193 | your balls. |
| 2194 | % |
| 2195 | 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: |
| 2196 | |
| 2197 | 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up. |
| 2198 | 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds. |
| 2199 | 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. |
| 2200 | 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry. |
| 2201 | 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor. |
| 2202 | 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits. |
| 2203 | 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. |
| 2204 | 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman. |
| 2205 | 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either. |
| 2206 | 10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. |
| 2207 | % |
| 2208 | 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: |
| 2209 | |
| 2210 | 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. |
| 2211 | 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' |
| 2212 | quarterback. |
| 2213 | 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. |
| 2214 | 4. You don't have to let a beer win. |
| 2215 | 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to |
| 2216 | sleep with it beer, too. |
| 2217 | 6. A beer helps with the housework. |
| 2218 | 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. |
| 2219 | 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. |
| 2220 | 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children. |
| 2221 | 10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. |
| 2222 | % |
| 2223 | 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: |
| 2224 | |
| 2225 | 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. |
| 2226 | 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' |
| 2227 | quarterback. |
| 2228 | 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. |
| 2229 | 4. You don't have to let a beer win. |
| 2230 | 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to |
| 2231 | sleep with it, too. |
| 2232 | 6. A beer helps with the housework. |
| 2233 | 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. |
| 2234 | 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. |
| 2235 | 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children. |
| 2236 | 10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. |
| 2237 | % |
| 2238 | 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: |
| 2239 | |
| 2240 | 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant. |
| 2241 | 2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car. |
| 2242 | 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you. |
| 2243 | 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. |
| 2244 | 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine. |
| 2245 | 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. |
| 2246 | 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel. |
| 2247 | 8. A beer doesn't snore. |
| 2248 | 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. |
| 2249 | 10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. |
| 2250 | % |
| 2251 | 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: |
| 2252 | |
| 2253 | 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified |
| 2254 | aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. |
| 2255 | 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission. |
| 2256 | 3. A beer never fishes for compliments. |
| 2257 | 4. Beer tastes good. |
| 2258 | 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest |
| 2259 | Hits" as much as you do. |
| 2260 | 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. |
| 2261 | 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store. |
| 2262 | 8. Beer never asks you to change the station. |
| 2263 | 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty |
| 2264 | cents less expensive. |
| 2265 | 10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste |
| 2266 | like grass. |
| 2267 | % |
| 2268 | 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: |
| 2269 | |
| 2270 | 1. You can enjoy a beer all month. |
| 2271 | 2. Beer stains wash out. |
| 2272 | 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. |
| 2273 | 4. Beer never makes you wait. |
| 2274 | 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. |
| 2275 | 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family". |
| 2276 | 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. |
| 2277 | 8. Beer doesn't demand equality. |
| 2278 | 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. |
| 2279 | 10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. |
| 2280 | % |
| 2281 | 15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: |
| 2282 | |
| 2283 | 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. |
| 2284 | 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common. |
| 2285 | 3. A beer won't steal all the covers. |
| 2286 | 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer. |
| 2287 | 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car. |
| 2288 | 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo". |
| 2289 | 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. |
| 2290 | 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky. |
| 2291 | 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. |
| 2292 | 10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. |
| 2293 | 11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer. |
| 2294 | 12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you. |
| 2295 | 13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series. |
| 2296 | 14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer. |
| 2297 | 15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar". |
| 2298 | % |
| 2299 | 18th Rule of Friendship: |
| 2300 | A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof |
| 2301 | to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you |
| 2302 | ever saw. |
| 2303 | -- Esquire, May 1977 |
| 2304 | % |
| 2305 | 20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN |
| 2306 | 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up. |
| 2307 | 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. |
| 2308 | 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. |
| 2309 | 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. |
| 2310 | 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. |
| 2311 | 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. |
| 2312 | 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. |
| 2313 | 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. |
| 2314 | 9. A beer won't steal the covers. |
| 2315 | 10. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo". |
| 2316 | 11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. |
| 2317 | 12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you. |
| 2318 | 13. A beer tastes good. |
| 2319 | 14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. |
| 2320 | 15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback. |
| 2321 | 16. You don't have to let a beer win. |
| 2322 | 17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. |
| 2323 | 18. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips". |
| 2324 | 19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. |
| 2325 | 20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. |
| 2326 | % |
| 2327 | 667 -- The neighbor of the beast. |
| 2328 | % |
| 2329 | 68: |
| 2330 | Do me now and I'll owe you one. |
| 2331 | % |
| 2332 | 6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction. |
| 2333 | % |
| 2334 | 69 + 69 = dinner for 4. |
| 2335 | % |
| 2336 | 71: |
| 2337 | 69 with two fingers up your ass. |
| 2338 | -- George Carlin |
| 2339 | % |
| 2340 | 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) |
| 2341 | The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National |
| 2342 | Redwood Forest. |
| 2343 | |
| 2344 | 7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) |
| 2345 | The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the |
| 2346 | Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. |
| 2347 | % |
| 2348 | 8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: |
| 2349 | |
| 2350 | 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. |
| 2351 | 2. A beer doesn't care when you come. |
| 2352 | 3. Beer doesn't have a mother. |
| 2353 | 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space. |
| 2354 | 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy |
| 2355 | "just for the articles". |
| 2356 | 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. |
| 2357 | 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone |
| 2358 | else's beer. |
| 2359 | 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't |
| 2360 | make you ill. |
| 2361 | % |
| 2362 | A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for |
| 2363 | more than a year. |
| 2364 | "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?" |
| 2365 | "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room." |
| 2366 | "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He |
| 2367 | downed his drink and left disgustedly. |
| 2368 | A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again. |
| 2369 | He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through |
| 2370 | this part of town?" |
| 2371 | "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room." |
| 2372 | Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of |
| 2373 | thing," and turned on his heel and left. |
| 2374 | Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on |
| 2375 | his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the |
| 2376 | bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people |
| 2377 | 'round here would know?" |
| 2378 | "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess." |
| 2379 | "Seven!?" |
| 2380 | "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see, |
| 2381 | George don't go for that kind of thing neither." |
| 2382 | % |
| 2383 | A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a |
| 2384 | patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern |
| 2385 | women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out |
| 2386 | of the bar. |
| 2387 | The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm |
| 2388 | bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him, |
| 2389 | blanched and ran out of the bar. |
| 2390 | The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written |
| 2391 | all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister." |
| 2392 | The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame |
| 2393 | you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours." |
| 2394 | % |
| 2395 | A bad little girl in Madrid, |
| 2396 | A most reprehensible kid, |
| 2397 | Told her Tante Louise |
| 2398 | That her cunt smelled like cheese, |
| 2399 | And the worst of it was that it did! |
| 2400 | % |
| 2401 | A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself. |
| 2402 | "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired. |
| 2403 | "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!" |
| 2404 | "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked. |
| 2405 | "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody." |
| 2406 | % |
| 2407 | A bather whose clothing was strewed |
| 2408 | By breezes that left her quite nude, |
| 2409 | Saw a man come along |
| 2410 | And, unless I am wrong, |
| 2411 | You expected this line to be lewd. |
| 2412 | % |
| 2413 | A bather whose clothing was strewed |
| 2414 | By breezes that left her quite nude, |
| 2415 | Saw a man come along |
| 2416 | And, unless I'm quite wrong, |
| 2417 | You expected this line to be lewd. |
| 2418 | % |
| 2419 | A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of |
| 2420 | six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully |
| 2421 | sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from |
| 2422 | another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise |
| 2423 | at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on |
| 2424 | this barren bit of land. |
| 2425 | "Almost twenty years," he answered. |
| 2426 | "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?" |
| 2427 | "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he |
| 2428 | replied. |
| 2429 | "And what do you do for sex?" she asked. |
| 2430 | "What's that?" He looked puzzled. |
| 2431 | Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand |
| 2432 | beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked |
| 2433 | how he had enjoyed it. |
| 2434 | "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!" |
| 2435 | % |
| 2436 | A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? |
| 2437 | I am not I, I'm a tree." |
| 2438 | But another, more sane, |
| 2439 | Shouted, "I'm a great dane " |
| 2440 | And covered his pants leg with pee. |
| 2441 | % |
| 2442 | A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? |
| 2443 | I am not I, I'm a tree." |
| 2444 | But another, more sane, |
| 2445 | Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" |
| 2446 | And covered his pants leg with pee. |
| 2447 | % |
| 2448 | A beautiful belle of Del Norte |
| 2449 | Is reckoned disdainful and haughty |
| 2450 | Because during the day |
| 2451 | She says: "Boys, keep away!" |
| 2452 | But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. |
| 2453 | % |
| 2454 | A beautiful lady named Psyche |
| 2455 | Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. |
| 2456 | One thing about Ike |
| 2457 | The lady can't like |
| 2458 | Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. |
| 2459 | % |
| 2460 | A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and |
| 2461 | purgatory for the purse. |
| 2462 | % |
| 2463 | A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes |
| 2464 | one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right |
| 2465 | away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her |
| 2466 | thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" |
| 2467 | "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological |
| 2468 | abnormalities." |
| 2469 | "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. |
| 2470 | "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says. |
| 2471 | "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast |
| 2472 | cancer." |
| 2473 | "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to |
| 2474 | having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing |
| 2475 | now?" |
| 2476 | "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." |
| 2477 | % |
| 2478 | A beetling young woman named Pridgets |
| 2479 | Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; |
| 2480 | Off the end of a wharf |
| 2481 | She once pushed a dwarf |
| 2482 | Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. |
| 2483 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 2484 | % |
| 2485 | A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he |
| 2486 | would send his wife a telegram saying, |
| 2487 | "Can't come home yet. Still buying." |
| 2488 | His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business. |
| 2489 | She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month |
| 2490 | rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams, |
| 2491 | she wired him, |
| 2492 | "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying." |
| 2493 | % |
| 2494 | A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression |
| 2495 | Sold cigars at a key-club concession. |
| 2496 | When she swiveled about |
| 2497 | Even strong men cried out, |
| 2498 | For her costume did not keep her flesh in. |
| 2499 | % |
| 2500 | A bisexual chap name of Lunt |
| 2501 | Taught himself an unusual stunt. |
| 2502 | He could peel back his spout |
| 2503 | Turn the skin inside out |
| 2504 | Like a glove, to be used as a cunt! |
| 2505 | % |
| 2506 | A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow. |
| 2507 | % |
| 2508 | A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing |
| 2509 | into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same |
| 2510 | forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing. |
| 2511 | "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally," |
| 2512 | apologized the rabbit. |
| 2513 | "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same |
| 2514 | problem!" |
| 2515 | "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do |
| 2516 | you think you could help me find out?" |
| 2517 | "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the |
| 2518 | rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail |
| 2519 | and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!" |
| 2520 | "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!" |
| 2521 | "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you |
| 2522 | suppose you could try and tell me?" |
| 2523 | The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold |
| 2524 | and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have |
| 2525 | no balls. You must be an attorney!" |
| 2526 | % |
| 2527 | A bobby of Nottingham Junction |
| 2528 | Whose organ had long ceased to function |
| 2529 | Deceived his good wife |
| 2530 | For the rest of her life |
| 2531 | With the aid of his constable's truncheon. |
| 2532 | % |
| 2533 | A broken-down harlot named Tupps |
| 2534 | Was heard to confess in her cups: |
| 2535 | "The height of my folly |
| 2536 | Was diddling a collie- |
| 2537 | But I got a nice price for the pups." |
| 2538 | % |
| 2539 | A broken-down harlot named Tupps |
| 2540 | Was heard to confess in her cups: |
| 2541 | "The height of my folly |
| 2542 | Was fucking a collie -- |
| 2543 | But I got a nice price for the pups." |
| 2544 | % |
| 2545 | A burlesque dancer, a pip |
| 2546 | Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; |
| 2547 | But she read science fiction |
| 2548 | And died of constriction |
| 2549 | Attempting a Moebius strip. |
| 2550 | -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" |
| 2551 | % |
| 2552 | A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar. |
| 2553 | Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute |
| 2554 | and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after |
| 2555 | a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few |
| 2556 | minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him |
| 2557 | masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked. |
| 2558 | "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!" |
| 2559 | % |
| 2560 | A busy young lady named Gloria |
| 2561 | Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier |
| 2562 | And then by six men, |
| 2563 | Sir Gerald again, |
| 2564 | And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. |
| 2565 | % |
| 2566 | A cabin boy on an old clipper |
| 2567 | Grew steadily flipper and flipper. |
| 2568 | He plugged up his ass |
| 2569 | With fragments of glass |
| 2570 | And thus circumcised his old skipper. |
| 2571 | % |
| 2572 | A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick |
| 2573 | fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off |
| 2574 | the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car. |
| 2575 | The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate |
| 2576 | to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed |
| 2577 | himself in an accentuated manner. |
| 2578 | "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not |
| 2579 | Catholic!" |
| 2580 | "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again, |
| 2581 | "spectacles, testicals, wallet, pen." |
| 2582 | % |
| 2583 | A cautious young fellow named Lodge |
| 2584 | Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. |
| 2585 | When his date was strapped in, |
| 2586 | He committed a sin, |
| 2587 | Without even leaving his grodge. |
| 2588 | % |
| 2589 | A cautious young fellow named Lodge, |
| 2590 | Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. |
| 2591 | With his date all strapped in |
| 2592 | He committed a sin |
| 2593 | Without even leaving the garage. |
| 2594 | -- "A Boy and His Dog" |
| 2595 | % |
| 2596 | A cautious young fellow named Tunney |
| 2597 | Had a whang that was worth any money. |
| 2598 | When eased in half-way, |
| 2599 | The girl's sigh made him say, |
| 2600 | "Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." |
| 2601 | % |
| 2602 | A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar |
| 2603 | by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could |
| 2604 | get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea |
| 2605 | worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and |
| 2606 | whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical |
| 2607 | laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing |
| 2608 | happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out |
| 2609 | laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now, |
| 2610 | a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the |
| 2611 | house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the |
| 2612 | horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The |
| 2613 | bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse, |
| 2614 | the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and |
| 2615 | said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?" |
| 2616 | "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man. |
| 2617 | "How did you make him cry tonight?" |
| 2618 | "I proved it." |
| 2619 | % |
| 2620 | A certain young man, it was noted, |
| 2621 | Went about in the heat thickly-coated; |
| 2622 | He said, "You may scoff, |
| 2623 | But I shan't take it off; |
| 2624 | Underneath I am horribly bloated." |
| 2625 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 2626 | % |
| 2627 | A certain young person of Ghent, |
| 2628 | Uncertain if lady or gent, |
| 2629 | Shows his organs at large |
| 2630 | For a small handling charge |
| 2631 | To assist him in paying the rent. |
| 2632 | % |
| 2633 | A certain young sheik of Algiers |
| 2634 | Said to his harem, "My dears, |
| 2635 | Though you may think it odd of me, |
| 2636 | I'm tired of just sodomy |
| 2637 | Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) |
| 2638 | % |
| 2639 | A chap down in Oklahoma |
| 2640 | Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, |
| 2641 | But the sweetness of pitch |
| 2642 | Couldn't put off the hitch |
| 2643 | Of impotence, size and aroma. |
| 2644 | % |
| 2645 | A charmer from old Amarillo, |
| 2646 | Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, |
| 2647 | Decided one day |
| 2648 | That to keep men away |
| 2649 | She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. |
| 2650 | % |
| 2651 | A chippy who worked in Black Bluff |
| 2652 | Had a pussy as large as a muff. |
| 2653 | It had room for both hands |
| 2654 | And some intimate glands, |
| 2655 | And was soft as a little duck's fluff. |
| 2656 | % |
| 2657 | A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party. |
| 2658 | % |
| 2659 | A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on |
| 2660 | Saturday and is going to do on Monday. |
| 2661 | -- Thomas Ybarra |
| 2662 | % |
| 2663 | A clergical student named Simms |
| 2664 | Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: |
| 2665 | A nice piece of ass |
| 2666 | Gets the B-Minor Mass ... |
| 2667 | All the others get Anglican hymns. |
| 2668 | % |
| 2669 | A clerical student named Pryne |
| 2670 | Through pain sought to reach the divine: |
| 2671 | He wore a hair shirt, |
| 2672 | Quite often ate dirt, |
| 2673 | And bathed every Friday in brine. |
| 2674 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 2675 | % |
| 2676 | A clever young man named Eugene |
| 2677 | Invented a jack-off machine. |
| 2678 | On the twenty-third stroke |
| 2679 | The fuckin' thing broke |
| 2680 | And beat both his balls to a creame. |
| 2681 | % |
| 2682 | A clever young man named Eugene |
| 2683 | Invented a jack-off machine. |
| 2684 | On the twenty-third stroke |
| 2685 | The goddam thing broke |
| 2686 | And beat both his balls to a creame. |
| 2687 | % |
| 2688 | A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica; |
| 2689 | most men know it's there, but few really care. |
| 2690 | % |
| 2691 | A cocksucking steno named Beeman |
| 2692 | Remarked as she swallowed my semen : |
| 2693 | "On my minuscule salary |
| 2694 | I must watch every calorie, |
| 2695 | So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" |
| 2696 | % |
| 2697 | A computer called Illiac4 |
| 2698 | Had a rather tough bug in its core. |
| 2699 | It chewed up its cards |
| 2700 | And spewed yards and yards |
| 2701 | Of illegible tape on the floor. |
| 2702 | % |
| 2703 | A computer, to print out a fact, |
| 2704 | Will divide, multiply, and subtract. |
| 2705 | But this output can be |
| 2706 | No more than debris, |
| 2707 | If the input was short of exact. |
| 2708 | -- Gigo |
| 2709 | % |
| 2710 | A contortionist hailing from Lynch |
| 2711 | Used to rent out his tool by the inch. |
| 2712 | A foot cost a quid -- |
| 2713 | He could and he did |
| 2714 | Stretch it to three in a pinch. |
| 2715 | % |
| 2716 | A corpulent maiden named Kroll |
| 2717 | Had a notion exceedingly droll: |
| 2718 | At a masquerade ball, |
| 2719 | Dressed in nothing at all, |
| 2720 | She backed in as a Parker House roll. |
| 2721 | % |
| 2722 | A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good. |
| 2723 | |
| 2724 | [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.] |
| 2725 | % |
| 2726 | A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by |
| 2727 | chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left |
| 2728 | to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, |
| 2729 | "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" |
| 2730 | "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. |
| 2731 | "No, not that." |
| 2732 | "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." |
| 2733 | "No, Mom. Down underneath." |
| 2734 | His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." |
| 2735 | Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get |
| 2736 | a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question. |
| 2737 | "That's the elephant's trunk, son." |
| 2738 | "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the |
| 2739 | other end." |
| 2740 | "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." |
| 2741 | "No. Down there." |
| 2742 | The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's |
| 2743 | penis." |
| 2744 | "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" |
| 2745 | The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled* |
| 2746 | that woman." |
| 2747 | % |
| 2748 | A couple was fishing near Clombe |
| 2749 | When the maid began looking quite glum, |
| 2750 | And said, "Bother the fish! |
| 2751 | I'd rather coish!" |
| 2752 | Which they did -- which was why they had come. |
| 2753 | % |
| 2754 | A cowhand way out in Seattle |
| 2755 | Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. |
| 2756 | He said, "No, I can't fuck |
| 2757 | A lamb or a duck, |
| 2758 | But golly! it just fits the cattle." |
| 2759 | % |
| 2760 | A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison |
| 2761 | And had an affair with a Saracen. |
| 2762 | She was not oversexed, |
| 2763 | Or jealous or vexed, |
| 2764 | She just wanted to make a comparison. |
| 2765 | % |
| 2766 | A CS student named Lin |
| 2767 | Had a prick the size of a pin |
| 2768 | It was no good for girls |
| 2769 | But just great for squirrels |
| 2770 | Who squealed with delight with it in. |
| 2771 | % |
| 2772 | A cute little twerp from Samoa |
| 2773 | Had a cock of one inch and no moa. |
| 2774 | It was good for keyholes |
| 2775 | And debutantes' peeholes |
| 2776 | But not worth a damn on a whoa. |
| 2777 | % |
| 2778 | A daredevil skater named Lowe, |
| 2779 | Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, |
| 2780 | But is proudest of doing, |
| 2781 | Some incredible screwing, |
| 2782 | Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! |
| 2783 | % |
| 2784 | A deep-throated virgin named Netty |
| 2785 | Was sucking a cock on the jetty. |
| 2786 | She said, "It tastes nice, |
| 2787 | Much better than rice, |
| 2788 | Though not quite as good as spaghetti." |
| 2789 | % |
| 2790 | A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine. |
| 2791 | -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" |
| 2792 | % |
| 2793 | A delighted, incredulous bride |
| 2794 | Remarked to her groom at her side : |
| 2795 | "I never could quite |
| 2796 | Believe till tonight |
| 2797 | Our anatomies would coincide." |
| 2798 | % |
| 2799 | A dentist, young doctor Malone, |
| 2800 | Got a charming girl patient alone, |
| 2801 | And, in his depravity, |
| 2802 | Filled the wrong cavity. |
| 2803 | God, how his practice has grown. |
| 2804 | % |
| 2805 | A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, |
| 2806 | With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, |
| 2807 | Let his third-story front, |
| 2808 | To a willing young cunt, |
| 2809 | Who supplied him a new lease on life! |
| 2810 | % |
| 2811 | A desperate spinster from Clare |
| 2812 | Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, |
| 2813 | And prayed to her God |
| 2814 | For a romp on the sod-- |
| 2815 | 'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. |
| 2816 | % |
| 2817 | A distinguished professor from Swarthmore |
| 2818 | Got along with a sexy young sophomore. |
| 2819 | As quick as a glance |
| 2820 | He stripped off his pants, |
| 2821 | But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. |
| 2822 | % |
| 2823 | A doctoral student from Buckingham |
| 2824 | Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. |
| 2825 | But a dropout from paree |
| 2826 | Taught him Gamahuchee |
| 2827 | - so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. |
| 2828 | % |
| 2829 | A doctoral student from Buckingham |
| 2830 | Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. |
| 2831 | But a dropout from paree |
| 2832 | Taught him Gamahuchee |
| 2833 | So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. |
| 2834 | % |
| 2835 | A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, |
| 2836 | Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. |
| 2837 | She blew her vagina |
| 2838 | To South Carolina, |
| 2839 | And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. |
| 2840 | |
| 2841 | A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, |
| 2842 | Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. |
| 2843 | They found her vagina, |
| 2844 | In South Carolina, |
| 2845 | And part of her ass in Brazil. |
| 2846 | % |
| 2847 | A dolly in Dallas named Alice, |
| 2848 | Whose overworked sex is all callous, |
| 2849 | Wore the foreskin away |
| 2850 | On uncircumcised Ray, |
| 2851 | Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. |
| 2852 | % |
| 2853 | A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis |
| 2854 | Wished to foster an aura of menace; |
| 2855 | To make people afraid |
| 2856 | He wore gloves of grey suede |
| 2857 | And white footgear intended for tennis. |
| 2858 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 2859 | % |
| 2860 | A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis |
| 2861 | Wished to foster an aura of menace. |
| 2862 | To make people afraid |
| 2863 | He wore gloves of grey suede |
| 2864 | And white footgear intended for tennis. |
| 2865 | -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" |
| 2866 | % |
| 2867 | A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place, |
| 2868 | watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The |
| 2869 | guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few |
| 2870 | moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't |
| 2871 | hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat |
| 2872 | shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and |
| 2873 | they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed |
| 2874 | the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they |
| 2875 | passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was. |
| 2876 | "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass |
| 2877 | with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she |
| 2878 | sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'" |
| 2879 | The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman |
| 2880 | at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention, |
| 2881 | he smiles and says "Fuck me!" |
| 2882 | "What?!?!?" she screams. |
| 2883 | "Raining like hell, isn't it?" |
| 2884 | % |
| 2885 | A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. |
| 2886 | % |
| 2887 | A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, |
| 2888 | rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked |
| 2889 | down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying |
| 2890 | on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police |
| 2891 | station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, |
| 2892 | drowned in the lake!" |
| 2893 | "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal |
| 2894 | more chain than he can swim with?" |
| 2895 | % |
| 2896 | A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. |
| 2897 | A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. |
| 2898 | % |
| 2899 | A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him, |
| 2900 | "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you." |
| 2901 | The trouble is, the note wasn't signed. |
| 2902 | % |
| 2903 | A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is |
| 2904 | coming again soon. Bend over. |
| 2905 | % |
| 2906 | A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how |
| 2907 | hard it was to get any sleep. |
| 2908 | "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a |
| 2909 | drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled. |
| 2910 | "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?" |
| 2911 | "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out." |
| 2912 | % |
| 2913 | A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. |
| 2914 | That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, |
| 2915 | and that's how we'll do it now. |
| 2916 | -- Dick Hamlet |
| 2917 | % |
| 2918 | A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works. |
| 2919 | -- Bobby Knight |
| 2920 | % |
| 2921 | A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- |
| 2922 | it merely keeps her from enjoying it. |
| 2923 | % |
| 2924 | A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English |
| 2925 | professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation |
| 2926 | and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the |
| 2927 | night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and |
| 2928 | asks, "Were you blue while I was away?" |
| 2929 | "Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown." |
| 2930 | % |
| 2931 | A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that |
| 2932 | the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war |
| 2933 | with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and |
| 2934 | speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with |
| 2935 | a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down. |
| 2936 | "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held |
| 2937 | territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above." |
| 2938 | At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit. |
| 2939 | "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we |
| 2940 | fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more |
| 2941 | fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle". |
| 2942 | At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing |
| 2943 | openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain |
| 2944 | to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the |
| 2945 | German Air Force. |
| 2946 | He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts". |
| 2947 | % |
| 2948 | A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which |
| 2949 | they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory, |
| 2950 | however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see |
| 2951 | what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the |
| 2952 | scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape." |
| 2953 | Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he |
| 2954 | would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions. |
| 2955 | "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children |
| 2956 | must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments." |
| 2957 | % |
| 2958 | A guest in a household quite charmless |
| 2959 | Was informed its eccentric was harmless: |
| 2960 | "If you're caught unawares |
| 2961 | At the head of the stairs, |
| 2962 | Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." |
| 2963 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 2964 | % |
| 2965 | A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest |
| 2966 | girl there. |
| 2967 | "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie." |
| 2968 | "What's so special about this frog?" she asks. |
| 2969 | He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that, |
| 2970 | "This frog can eat pussy." |
| 2971 | The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her |
| 2972 | a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much |
| 2973 | discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action. |
| 2974 | She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and |
| 2975 | says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his |
| 2976 | owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker. |
| 2977 | "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" |
| 2978 | "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!" |
| 2979 | By now, the girl is laughing openly. |
| 2980 | "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm |
| 2981 | only going to show you one more time." |
| 2982 | % |
| 2983 | A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it |
| 2984 | into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar |
| 2985 | and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so |
| 2986 | curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing. |
| 2987 | Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman." |
| 2988 | % |
| 2989 | A habit depraved and unsavory |
| 2990 | Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery |
| 2991 | Midst screeches and howls |
| 2992 | He deflowered young owls |
| 2993 | Which he kept in an underground aviary |
| 2994 | % |
| 2995 | A habit obscene and bizarre, |
| 2996 | Has taken a-hold of papa. |
| 2997 | He brings home young camels |
| 2998 | And other odd mammals, |
| 2999 | And gives them a go at mama. |
| 3000 | % |
| 3001 | A habit obscene and unsavory, |
| 3002 | Holds a CS professor in slavery. |
| 3003 | With maniacal howls, |
| 3004 | He deflowers young owls, |
| 3005 | That he keeps in an underground aviary. |
| 3006 | % |
| 3007 | A hacker who screwed a mag tape |
| 3008 | Was caught and convicted of rape. |
| 3009 | To jail he did go, |
| 3010 | From which, to his woe |
| 3011 | He couldn't get out with ESC. |
| 3012 | % |
| 3013 | A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk |
| 3014 | Made love to the drive of his disk. |
| 3015 | The thing circumsized him, |
| 3016 | Which rather surprised him. |
| 3017 | He wasn't aware of *that* risk. |
| 3018 | % |
| 3019 | A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush. |
| 3020 | % |
| 3021 | A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird. |
| 3022 | % |
| 3023 | A hard man is good to find. |
| 3024 | % |
| 3025 | A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of |
| 3026 | the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his |
| 3027 | right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with |
| 3028 | that?" |
| 3029 | When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey, |
| 3030 | downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're |
| 3031 | all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?" |
| 3032 | Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man |
| 3033 | on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!" |
| 3034 | the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?" |
| 3035 | "No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong |
| 3036 | end of the bar." |
| 3037 | % |
| 3038 | A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave |
| 3039 | the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you |
| 3040 | told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned |
| 3041 | home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some |
| 3042 | of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But |
| 3043 | soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening, |
| 3044 | the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me." |
| 3045 | Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great |
| 3046 | thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven, |
| 3047 | but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it, |
| 3048 | Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop! |
| 3049 | Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing |
| 3050 | worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams. |
| 3051 | "Saunders, help me please!" |
| 3052 | "But what is it, Madame?" |
| 3053 | "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!" |
| 3054 | "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!" |
| 3055 | % |
| 3056 | A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When |
| 3057 | she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, |
| 3058 | "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." |
| 3059 | The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?" |
| 3060 | % |
| 3061 | A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in |
| 3062 | the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days |
| 3063 | and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state |
| 3064 | line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How |
| 3065 | do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. |
| 3066 | The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, |
| 3067 | there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of |
| 3068 | 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and |
| 3069 | third, make love to an Eskimo woman." |
| 3070 | "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of |
| 3071 | this here corn liquor?" |
| 3072 | "Got one right here," replied the guard. |
| 3073 | The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. |
| 3074 | "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" |
| 3075 | "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout |
| 3076 | a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." |
| 3077 | The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned |
| 3078 | with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was |
| 3079 | smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you |
| 3080 | want killed?" |
| 3081 | % |
| 3082 | A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I |
| 3083 | can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned |
| 3084 | over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out |
| 3085 | and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered, |
| 3086 | "Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!" |
| 3087 | % |
| 3088 | A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul. |
| 3089 | -- Norman Mailer |
| 3090 | % |
| 3091 | A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand- |
| 3092 | father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit |
| 3093 | used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?" |
| 3094 | "Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before |
| 3095 | your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from |
| 3096 | behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get |
| 3097 | down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop |
| 3098 | some manure from the ground and eat it!" |
| 3099 | "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit. |
| 3100 | And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up -- |
| 3101 | I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now |
| 3102 | it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit. |
| 3103 | "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why, |
| 3104 | we had *lunch* together!" |
| 3105 | % |
| 3106 | A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge |
| 3107 | Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass. |
| 3108 | "From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd |
| 3109 | backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match, |
| 3110 | thet one wuz!" |
| 3111 | "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use |
| 3112 | the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead." |
| 3113 | Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?" |
| 3114 | His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're |
| 3115 | probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue." |
| 3116 | "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he |
| 3117 | was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago |
| 3118 | Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..." |
| 3119 | "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago |
| 3120 | Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?" |
| 3121 | "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably |
| 3122 | not aware of!" |
| 3123 | % |
| 3124 | A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. |
| 3125 | -- Thomas Hardy |
| 3126 | % |
| 3127 | A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. |
| 3128 | -- Carrie Snow |
| 3129 | % |
| 3130 | A man always needs to remember one thing about |
| 3131 | a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. |
| 3132 | % |
| 3133 | A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the |
| 3134 | husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their |
| 3135 | wedding night, the wife says to her husband: |
| 3136 | |
| 3137 | "Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin." |
| 3138 | Naturally, the husband is surprised. |
| 3139 | "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a |
| 3140 | virgin?" |
| 3141 | "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a |
| 3142 | computer programmer." |
| 3143 | "What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be |
| 3144 | a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?" |
| 3145 | "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and |
| 3146 | tell me how great it was going to be." |
| 3147 | % |
| 3148 | A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, |
| 3149 | who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the |
| 3150 | lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, |
| 3151 | you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see |
| 3152 | her again. Okay?" |
| 3153 | "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point |
| 3154 | on the side to make it interesting?" |
| 3155 | % |
| 3156 | A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen |
| 3157 | or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. |
| 3158 | -- Joan Rivers |
| 3159 | % |
| 3160 | A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting |
| 3161 | next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* |
| 3162 | Polish." |
| 3163 | He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." |
| 3164 | Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. |
| 3165 | "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl |
| 3166 | with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with |
| 3167 | the joke. |
| 3168 | "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" |
| 3169 | "Nah," says the man. |
| 3170 | "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish |
| 3171 | man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" |
| 3172 | "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it |
| 3173 | five times." |
| 3174 | % |
| 3175 | A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up |
| 3176 | from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously |
| 3177 | around his bed. |
| 3178 | "What happened?" he asks worriedly. |
| 3179 | "Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error, |
| 3180 | and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we |
| 3181 | performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina |
| 3182 | has been crafted into place." |
| 3183 | "WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to |
| 3184 | tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience |
| 3185 | another erection!" |
| 3186 | "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of |
| 3187 | course, have to be someone else's." |
| 3188 | % |
| 3189 | A man is as old as the woman he feels. |
| 3190 | -- Groucho Marx |
| 3191 | % |
| 3192 | A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he |
| 3193 | sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his |
| 3194 | car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car. |
| 3195 | "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off." |
| 3196 | "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly. |
| 3197 | "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker. |
| 3198 | So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right, |
| 3199 | I did what you wanted, can I go now?" |
| 3200 | "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again." |
| 3201 | "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it." |
| 3202 | "Do it again." |
| 3203 | It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again. |
| 3204 | Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave. |
| 3205 | "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more |
| 3206 | time." |
| 3207 | The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him |
| 3208 | twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time. |
| 3209 | "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?" |
| 3210 | "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter; |
| 3211 | I want you to drive her into Salerno." |
| 3212 | % |
| 3213 | A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman |
| 3214 | for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well |
| 3215 | until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at |
| 3216 | which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later, |
| 3217 | a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it, |
| 3218 | takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her. |
| 3219 | "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely |
| 3220 | anything to show my gratitude." |
| 3221 | "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope |
| 3222 | that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash |
| 3223 | and take that damn dog for a walk!" |
| 3224 | % |
| 3225 | A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole- |
| 3226 | in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears. |
| 3227 | "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What |
| 3228 | is your heart's desire?" |
| 3229 | "Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis." |
| 3230 | "Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears. |
| 3231 | As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can |
| 3232 | feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable. |
| 3233 | By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to |
| 3234 | his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he |
| 3235 | grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later, |
| 3236 | he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears. |
| 3237 | "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What |
| 3238 | is your heart's desire?" |
| 3239 | "Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make |
| 3240 | my legs longer?" |
| 3241 | % |
| 3242 | A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick" |
| 3243 | contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000. |
| 3244 | "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing |
| 3245 | out in public!" |
| 3246 | "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money." |
| 3247 | "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you |
| 3248 | showing that thing to everybody." |
| 3249 | And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening |
| 3250 | when he hands her $1000. |
| 3251 | "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want |
| 3252 | you to?" she asks. |
| 3253 | "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use |
| 3254 | the money." |
| 3255 | "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, |
| 3256 | tears welling up in her eyes. |
| 3257 | "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win." |
| 3258 | % |
| 3259 | A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the |
| 3260 | longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, |
| 3261 | followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred |
| 3262 | other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity |
| 3263 | no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. |
| 3264 | "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, |
| 3265 | but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is |
| 3266 | the funeral for?" |
| 3267 | "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- |
| 3268 | in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman |
| 3269 | attacked and killed her." |
| 3270 | "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you |
| 3271 | don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" |
| 3272 | "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." |
| 3273 | % |
| 3274 | A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and |
| 3275 | antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not |
| 3276 | from around here, are you?" |
| 3277 | "No," replies the man with the antennae. |
| 3278 | "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, |
| 3279 | either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" |
| 3280 | "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." |
| 3281 | "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got |
| 3282 | there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." |
| 3283 | "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." |
| 3284 | "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that |
| 3285 | big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all |
| 3286 | Martians have that?" |
| 3287 | "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." |
| 3288 | % |
| 3289 | A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be |
| 3290 | bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. |
| 3291 | -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" |
| 3292 | % |
| 3293 | A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. |
| 3294 | % |
| 3295 | A man never minds being in the doghouse |
| 3296 | as long as he can get his tail outside. |
| 3297 | % |
| 3298 | A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him |
| 3299 | three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed |
| 3300 | them one after another. |
| 3301 | "Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath. |
| 3302 | "Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job." |
| 3303 | "Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me." |
| 3304 | "No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get |
| 3305 | the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will." |
| 3306 | % |
| 3307 | A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't |
| 3308 | help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on |
| 3309 | the train platform. |
| 3310 | "Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger. |
| 3311 | "Glad to do it," said the other man. |
| 3312 | "Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful." |
| 3313 | "It was a pleasure," said the man. |
| 3314 | "And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger, |
| 3315 | "she was a truly great lay." |
| 3316 | The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned |
| 3317 | to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you |
| 3318 | to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?" |
| 3319 | "Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But |
| 3320 | Sam is a helluva nice guy." |
| 3321 | % |
| 3322 | A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got |
| 3323 | some good news and some bad news." |
| 3324 | "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies. |
| 3325 | "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches |
| 3326 | longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says. |
| 3327 | "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?" |
| 3328 | "Malignant." |
| 3329 | % |
| 3330 | A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a |
| 3331 | water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th |
| 3332 | person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts: |
| 3333 | First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone |
| 3334 | ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can |
| 3335 | be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man |
| 3336 | thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood |
| 3337 | shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and |
| 3338 | went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world, |
| 3339 | and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever |
| 3340 | he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog, |
| 3341 | and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up, |
| 3342 | and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I |
| 3343 | was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is |
| 3344 | outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department |
| 3345 | at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex |
| 3346 | last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight |
| 3347 | or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very |
| 3348 | satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad |
| 3349 | for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota." |
| 3350 | % |
| 3351 | A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he |
| 3352 | says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to |
| 3353 | me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt." |
| 3354 | "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies. |
| 3355 | "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, |
| 3356 | and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust |
| 3357 | her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt." |
| 3358 | The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report. |
| 3359 | "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening |
| 3360 | after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man |
| 3361 | got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. |
| 3362 | After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he |
| 3363 | took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went |
| 3364 | out." |
| 3365 | "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide. |
| 3366 | "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see." |
| 3367 | "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always* |
| 3368 | that doubt!" |
| 3369 | % |
| 3370 | A man who likes to lie in bed can usually |
| 3371 | find a girl willing to listen to him. |
| 3372 | % |
| 3373 | A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender |
| 3374 | shoved the foaming glass in front of him. |
| 3375 | "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold |
| 3376 | the glass for me? |
| 3377 | "Sure," said the bartender. |
| 3378 | "If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket, |
| 3379 | you'll find the money for the beer." |
| 3380 | The bartender got the money and rang up the bill. |
| 3381 | "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. |
| 3382 | Where is the men's room?" |
| 3383 | "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk |
| 3384 | two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner." |
| 3385 | % |
| 3386 | A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. |
| 3387 | % |
| 3388 | A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. |
| 3389 | % |
| 3390 | A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment |
| 3391 | for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son |
| 3392 | wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best |
| 3393 | old age home that money can buy. |
| 3394 | On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts |
| 3395 | to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently |
| 3396 | straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he |
| 3397 | finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs |
| 3398 | over and gently pushes him upright again. |
| 3399 | The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's |
| 3400 | being treated. |
| 3401 | "It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like |
| 3402 | it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable, |
| 3403 | there's just one little problem." |
| 3404 | "What's that, Dad?" |
| 3405 | "They won't let you fart." |
| 3406 | % |
| 3407 | A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger. |
| 3408 | % |
| 3409 | A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good |
| 3410 | many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and |
| 3411 | the police. |
| 3412 | -- Mr. Dooley |
| 3413 | % |
| 3414 | A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down, |
| 3415 | swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked |
| 3416 | his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole. |
| 3417 | "Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?" |
| 3418 | "Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle. |
| 3419 | The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?" |
| 3420 | % |
| 3421 | A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of |
| 3422 | Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it |
| 3423 | anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve |
| 3424 | the pressure. |
| 3425 | "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the |
| 3426 | foreman. "The other men swear by it." |
| 3427 | The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of |
| 3428 | his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it |
| 3429 | every day!" |
| 3430 | "Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the |
| 3431 | other men replied. |
| 3432 | "Why not then?" |
| 3433 | "That's your day in the barrel." |
| 3434 | % |
| 3435 | A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he |
| 3436 | on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges |
| 3437 | over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. |
| 3438 | As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet |
| 3439 | from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. |
| 3440 | "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' |
| 3441 | you now: Save me, Lord, save me." |
| 3442 | Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." |
| 3443 | "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" |
| 3444 | "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." |
| 3445 | "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." |
| 3446 | "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." |
| 3447 | Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls |
| 3448 | to his death. |
| 3449 | "DUMB YANKEE." |
| 3450 | % |
| 3451 | A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered |
| 3452 | by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned |
| 3453 | out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained |
| 3454 | that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused |
| 3455 | himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped |
| 3456 | the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" |
| 3457 | "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the |
| 3458 | onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" |
| 3459 | "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a |
| 3460 | gallon or two." |
| 3461 | % |
| 3462 | A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. |
| 3463 | -- Phyllis Schlafly |
| 3464 | % |
| 3465 | A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check |
| 3466 | out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk |
| 3467 | Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few |
| 3468 | minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form |
| 3469 | and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between |
| 3470 | them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend |
| 3471 | the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her |
| 3472 | partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the |
| 3473 | morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous |
| 3474 | night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even |
| 3475 | bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room, |
| 3476 | where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks |
| 3477 | deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell |
| 3478 | you -- I'm Thor!". |
| 3479 | The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel |
| 3480 | like grated cheeth!" |
| 3481 | % |
| 3482 | A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing |
| 3483 | sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always |
| 3484 | married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, |
| 3485 | to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking |
| 3486 | risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: |
| 3487 | to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, |
| 3488 | thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy |
| 3489 | that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing |
| 3490 | children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised |
| 3491 | by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. |
| 3492 | -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", |
| 3493 | attempting to explain the lack of female interest in |
| 3494 | pornography. |
| 3495 | % |
| 3496 | A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing |
| 3497 | sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always |
| 3498 | married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, |
| 3499 | to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking |
| 3500 | risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: |
| 3501 | to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, |
| 3502 | thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy |
| 3503 | that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing |
| 3504 | children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised |
| 3505 | by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. |
| 3506 | -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", |
| 3507 | attempting to explain the lack of female interest in |
| 3508 | pornography. |
| 3509 | % |
| 3510 | A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't |
| 3511 | going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after |
| 3512 | two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!" |
| 3513 | His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says |
| 3514 | nothing. |
| 3515 | On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after |
| 3516 | the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!" |
| 3517 | This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting |
| 3518 | more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again |
| 3519 | misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the |
| 3520 | club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife |
| 3521 | whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!" |
| 3522 | Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the |
| 3523 | daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't |
| 3524 | you?" |
| 3525 | "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger." |
| 3526 | % |
| 3527 | A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. |
| 3528 | % |
| 3529 | A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time |
| 3530 | talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade |
| 3531 | was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to |
| 3532 | their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of |
| 3533 | the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and |
| 3534 | said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?" |
| 3535 | % |
| 3536 | A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is |
| 3537 | true to the very end of the end of a friend. |
| 3538 | % |
| 3539 | A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, |
| 3540 | who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never |
| 3541 | speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of |
| 3542 | unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! |
| 3543 | -- Thackeray |
| 3544 | % |
| 3545 | A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his |
| 3546 | trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in |
| 3547 | mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited |
| 3548 | results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented |
| 3549 | octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door |
| 3550 | the next morning, he asked the octopus, |
| 3551 | "Have you learned to play that thing yet?" |
| 3552 | "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all |
| 3553 | night!" |
| 3554 | % |
| 3555 | A person who has both feet planted firmly |
| 3556 | in the air can be safely called a liberal. |
| 3557 | % |
| 3558 | A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed |
| 3559 | against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his |
| 3560 | hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that |
| 3561 | the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case |
| 3562 | of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man. |
| 3563 | "What happened to your car?" |
| 3564 | "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards |
| 3565 | stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on |
| 3566 | the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; |
| 3567 | right on my key!" |
| 3568 | "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come |
| 3569 | down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing |
| 3570 | yourself!" |
| 3571 | "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!" |
| 3572 | % |
| 3573 | A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. |
| 3574 | % |
| 3575 | A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice. |
| 3576 | % |
| 3577 | A programmer down in Moline |
| 3578 | Said, I'm the match for any machine. |
| 3579 | My secret's aversion, |
| 3580 | To loops and recursion, |
| 3581 | Just acres of in-line routine. |
| 3582 | -- W.J. Wilson |
| 3583 | % |
| 3584 | A progressive professor named Winners |
| 3585 | Held classes each evening for sinners. |
| 3586 | They were graded and spaced |
| 3587 | So the vile and debased |
| 3588 | Would not be held back by beginners. |
| 3589 | % |
| 3590 | A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans |
| 3591 | over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" |
| 3592 | The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a |
| 3593 | Bishop." |
| 3594 | "Well, could you get any higher than that?" |
| 3595 | "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I |
| 3596 | might be made an Archbishop." |
| 3597 | "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" |
| 3598 | "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." |
| 3599 | "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" |
| 3600 | Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could |
| 3601 | be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." |
| 3602 | "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go |
| 3603 | up from being the Pope?" |
| 3604 | "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" |
| 3605 | The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." |
| 3606 | % |
| 3607 | A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, |
| 3608 | commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. |
| 3609 | The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it |
| 3610 | the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of |
| 3611 | field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living |
| 3612 | room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling |
| 3613 | beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." |
| 3614 | Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer |
| 3615 | looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too |
| 3616 | obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." |
| 3617 | % |
| 3618 | A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone |
| 3619 | and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided |
| 3620 | to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she |
| 3621 | could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent |
| 3622 | idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room, |
| 3623 | and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say |
| 3624 | 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" |
| 3625 | At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit." |
| 3626 | Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes |
| 3627 | in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on |
| 3628 | its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" |
| 3629 | "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot. |
| 3630 | Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes |
| 3631 | in the freezer," and slammed the door on him. |
| 3632 | Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a |
| 3633 | big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God, |
| 3634 | you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!" |
| 3635 | % |
| 3636 | A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From |
| 3637 | his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, |
| 3638 | sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much |
| 3639 | to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four |
| 3640 | pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the |
| 3641 | condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders |
| 3642 | for a moment, then says, "I'll be back." |
| 3643 | Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and |
| 3644 | says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!" |
| 3645 | % |
| 3646 | A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair. |
| 3647 | One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share. |
| 3648 | He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet. |
| 3649 | So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. |
| 3650 | |
| 3651 | Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by. |
| 3652 | One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye. |
| 3653 | "See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?" |
| 3654 | "I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?" |
| 3655 | |
| 3656 | They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free. |
| 3657 | They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see. |
| 3658 | And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt, |
| 3659 | Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth. |
| 3660 | |
| 3661 | They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone." |
| 3662 | "Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along." |
| 3663 | As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow, |
| 3664 | Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show. |
| 3665 | |
| 3666 | The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees. |
| 3667 | Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's. |
| 3668 | Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes, |
| 3669 | "Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize." |
| 3670 | -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman" |
| 3671 | % |
| 3672 | A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy, |
| 3673 | all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say, |
| 3674 | Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff. |
| 3675 | "A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the |
| 3676 | cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy. |
| 3677 | "Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were |
| 3678 | all of 'em dead?" |
| 3679 | Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but |
| 3680 | you know how them Mex'cans lie." |
| 3681 | % |
| 3682 | A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex |
| 3683 | act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and |
| 3684 | styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity |
| 3685 | for fun at the lad's expense. |
| 3686 | "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand. |
| 3687 | The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in |
| 3688 | her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and |
| 3689 | a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a |
| 3690 | tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now |
| 3691 | give him the proper size. |
| 3692 | "I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a |
| 3693 | half interest in the store." |
| 3694 | % |
| 3695 | A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It |
| 3696 | happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball |
| 3697 | greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the |
| 3698 | third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap. |
| 3699 | The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he |
| 3700 | swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double. |
| 3701 | The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey! |
| 3702 | Runna Mickey!" |
| 3703 | The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him |
| 3704 | carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner. |
| 3705 | "Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins |
| 3706 | to walk to first base. |
| 3707 | The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!" |
| 3708 | "No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks." |
| 3709 | And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud |
| 3710 | Joe. Walka proud." |
| 3711 | % |
| 3712 | A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the |
| 3713 | animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby |
| 3714 | attendant. |
| 3715 | "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper |
| 3716 | pricks than those raised in Africa?" |
| 3717 | The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered, |
| 3718 | "the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are |
| 3719 | about the same." |
| 3720 | % |
| 3721 | A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at |
| 3722 | the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he |
| 3723 | hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town. |
| 3724 | The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!" |
| 3725 | "No women? What do the men do for... er..." |
| 3726 | "Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the |
| 3727 | answer, right there." |
| 3728 | Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his |
| 3729 | drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he |
| 3730 | wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs |
| 3731 | to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was |
| 3732 | game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose |
| 3733 | a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went |
| 3734 | quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him. |
| 3735 | "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!" |
| 3736 | "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep. |
| 3737 | % |
| 3738 | A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. |
| 3739 | % |
| 3740 | A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go |
| 3741 | for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under |
| 3742 | a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and |
| 3743 | with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing |
| 3744 | uncontrollably she asked her seducer, |
| 3745 | "How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?" |
| 3746 | "Twice?" asked the young man, confused. |
| 3747 | "Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye. |
| 3748 | "You're going to do it again, aren't you?" |
| 3749 | % |
| 3750 | A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the |
| 3751 | greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple." |
| 3752 | Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand. |
| 3753 | "Yes, Tony?" |
| 3754 | "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony. |
| 3755 | "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man, |
| 3756 | but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived." |
| 3757 | From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand. |
| 3758 | "Yes, Bernie?" |
| 3759 | "Jesus Christ", says Bernie. |
| 3760 | "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is |
| 3761 | your apple." |
| 3762 | When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize, |
| 3763 | the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised |
| 3764 | that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived." |
| 3765 | "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge, |
| 3766 | but business is business." |
| 3767 | % |
| 3768 | A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa. |
| 3769 | % |
| 3770 | A trapper named Francois Lefebrve |
| 3771 | Once captured and buggered a beabrve. |
| 3772 | The result of this fuck |
| 3773 | Was a three titted duck, |
| 3774 | A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. |
| 3775 | % |
| 3776 | A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the |
| 3777 | century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very |
| 3778 | rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry |
| 3779 | and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had |
| 3780 | never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police. |
| 3781 | |
| 3782 | Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden! |
| 3783 | Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what |
| 3784 | does it look like?" |
| 3785 | LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my |
| 3786 | vegetables with its tail!" |
| 3787 | Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?" |
| 3788 | LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!" |
| 3789 | % |
| 3790 | A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. |
| 3791 | % |
| 3792 | A virgin is chaste. |
| 3793 | % |
| 3794 | A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked. |
| 3795 | % |
| 3796 | A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty |
| 3797 | comes most easily to those who have no taste for it. |
| 3798 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 3799 | % |
| 3800 | A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. |
| 3801 | -- Addison |
| 3802 | % |
| 3803 | A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there |
| 3804 | *for the rest of your life*. |
| 3805 | -- Jim Samuels |
| 3806 | % |
| 3807 | A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed |
| 3808 | this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an |
| 3809 | unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!" |
| 3810 | -- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why |
| 3811 | masturbation is "by no means harmless" |
| 3812 | % |
| 3813 | A woman can never be too rich or too thin. |
| 3814 | % |
| 3815 | A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. |
| 3816 | -- Scott |
| 3817 | % |
| 3818 | A woman forgives the audacity of which |
| 3819 | her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. |
| 3820 | -- LeSage |
| 3821 | % |
| 3822 | A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high |
| 3823 | dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried |
| 3824 | about some of the side effects she was experiencing. |
| 3825 | "Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot |
| 3826 | with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too |
| 3827 | much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!" |
| 3828 | The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal |
| 3829 | side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" |
| 3830 | "On my balls." |
| 3831 | % |
| 3832 | A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be |
| 3833 | thankful for a good one. |
| 3834 | -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings |
| 3835 | % |
| 3836 | A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into |
| 3837 | the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?" |
| 3838 | The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask |
| 3839 | people personal questions." |
| 3840 | The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" |
| 3841 | The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going |
| 3842 | to tell you." |
| 3843 | Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the |
| 3844 | car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in |
| 3845 | the car and watch my purse." |
| 3846 | After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's |
| 3847 | license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When |
| 3848 | her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments: |
| 3849 | "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32." |
| 3850 | "That's right! How did you know?" |
| 3851 | "And you weigh 119 pounds." |
| 3852 | "Did you look in my purse?" |
| 3853 | "And I know why you and Daddy divorced." |
| 3854 | "You *do*?" |
| 3855 | "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!" |
| 3856 | % |
| 3857 | A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers. |
| 3858 | -- Blind Lemon Pledge |
| 3859 | % |
| 3860 | A woman is like your shadow; follow her, |
| 3861 | she flies; fly from her, she follows. |
| 3862 | -- Chamfort |
| 3863 | % |
| 3864 | A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive |
| 3865 | little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid. |
| 3866 | -- Adolf Hitler |
| 3867 | % |
| 3868 | A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. |
| 3869 | It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure. |
| 3870 | -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel" |
| 3871 | % |
| 3872 | A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times |
| 3873 | over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of |
| 3874 | pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. |
| 3875 | -- Stendhal |
| 3876 | % |
| 3877 | A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments. |
| 3878 | -- Herodotus |
| 3879 | % |
| 3880 | A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social |
| 3881 | pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate |
| 3882 | woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without |
| 3883 | love, without virtue, without sex. |
| 3884 | -- Balzac |
| 3885 | % |
| 3886 | A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot. |
| 3887 | -- Pancho Villa |
| 3888 | % |
| 3889 | A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. |
| 3890 | -- Gloria Steinem |
| 3891 | % |
| 3892 | A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. |
| 3893 | Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. |
| 3894 | % |
| 3895 | A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long |
| 3896 | as he can. |
| 3897 | -- Moms Mabley |
| 3898 | % |
| 3899 | A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have |
| 3900 | sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite |
| 3901 | off his penis. |
| 3902 | The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather |
| 3903 | uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he |
| 3904 | tell her why he won't make love to her. |
| 3905 | "Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there." |
| 3906 | "What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling, |
| 3907 | come here and look for yourself." |
| 3908 | The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly. |
| 3909 | "There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?" |
| 3910 | "Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible* |
| 3911 | condition." |
| 3912 | % |
| 3913 | A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade... |
| 3914 | She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, |
| 3915 | three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend. |
| 3916 | % |
| 3917 | A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve |
| 3918 | himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis |
| 3919 | he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member |
| 3920 | of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him |
| 3921 | if he is indeed a real leprechaun. |
| 3922 | The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can |
| 3923 | grant you three wishes." |
| 3924 | "Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?" |
| 3925 | "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the |
| 3926 | ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes |
| 3927 | if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken |
| 3928 | aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After |
| 3929 | the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away. |
| 3930 | The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" |
| 3931 | Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?" |
| 3932 | "25." |
| 3933 | "Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?" |
| 3934 | % |
| 3935 | A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her |
| 3936 | daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from |
| 3937 | a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought |
| 3938 | out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl |
| 3939 | who uses bad words?" |
| 3940 | "Who told you?" |
| 3941 | "A little bird," answered the mother. |
| 3942 | "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been |
| 3943 | feeding the little bastards, too!" |
| 3944 | % |
| 3945 | A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition |
| 3946 | as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage, |
| 3947 | like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would |
| 3948 | be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a |
| 3949 | carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who |
| 3950 | worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally, |
| 3951 | the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately. |
| 3952 | A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each |
| 3953 | received a telegram from their sister. It read: |
| 3954 | |
| 3955 | I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused |
| 3956 | when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm |
| 3957 | going to kill whoever put the novicaine into the KY jelly... |
| 3958 | % |
| 3959 | A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive. |
| 3960 | % |
| 3961 | Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, |
| 3962 | The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, |
| 3963 | Her figurehead They filled his ass, |
| 3964 | A whore in bed, With broken glass, |
| 3965 | Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper. |
| 3966 | |
| 3967 | The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel, |
| 3968 | And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able, |
| 3969 | Once round the deck, They nailed her tits, |
| 3970 | Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits, |
| 3971 | And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table. |
| 3972 | |
| 3973 | The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy, |
| 3974 | And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy, |
| 3975 | When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock, |
| 3976 | And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock, |
| 3977 | Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! |
| 3978 | % |
| 3979 | AC/DC is a rock band. |
| 3980 | -- Bisexuality, 101 |
| 3981 | % |
| 3982 | Achilles' Biological Findings: |
| 3983 | (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. |
| 3984 | If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. |
| 3985 | (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first |
| 3986 | -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. |
| 3987 | % |
| 3988 | Adam's Law: |
| 3989 | (1) Women don't know what they want; |
| 3990 | they don't like what they have got. |
| 3991 | (2) Men know very well what they want; |
| 3992 | having got it, they begin to lose interest. |
| 3993 | % |
| 3994 | Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, |
| 3995 | and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it... |
| 3996 | % |
| 3997 | Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages -- |
| 3998 | such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches. |
| 3999 | % |
| 4000 | ADULTERY: |
| 4001 | Putting yourself in someone else's position. |
| 4002 | % |
| 4003 | Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on. |
| 4004 | -- Mary Wells, advertising executive |
| 4005 | % |
| 4006 | After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple |
| 4007 | are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really |
| 4008 | starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically |
| 4009 | rummaging through a dresser drawer. |
| 4010 | "What are you doing?" she asks. |
| 4011 | "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber." |
| 4012 | % |
| 4013 | After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little |
| 4014 | bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making |
| 4015 | love to men?" |
| 4016 | "That's MY business," she snapped. |
| 4017 | "Ah," he said. "A professional." |
| 4018 | % |
| 4019 | After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond, |
| 4020 | attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted |
| 4021 | for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling |
| 4022 | and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they |
| 4023 | were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established |
| 4024 | a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The |
| 4025 | girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good. |
| 4026 | "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could |
| 4027 | be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes. |
| 4028 | "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl |
| 4029 | like you doing in a hotel like this?" |
| 4030 | "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips." |
| 4031 | % |
| 4032 | After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? |
| 4033 | % |
| 4034 | After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested |
| 4035 | in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan |
| 4036 | hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints |
| 4037 | and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully |
| 4038 | to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to |
| 4039 | become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had |
| 4040 | needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally, |
| 4041 | the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a |
| 4042 | little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the |
| 4043 | time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And, |
| 4044 | remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your |
| 4045 | wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the |
| 4046 | counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max. |
| 4047 | "So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?" |
| 4048 | % |
| 4049 | After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded |
| 4050 | bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on |
| 4051 | his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked |
| 4052 | on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have |
| 4053 | you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!" |
| 4054 | % |
| 4055 | After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening, |
| 4056 | the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted |
| 4057 | indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'." |
| 4058 | "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some |
| 4059 | progress." |
| 4060 | % |
| 4061 | After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously |
| 4062 | embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him. |
| 4063 | "N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist." |
| 4064 | "I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully. |
| 4065 | "Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave. |
| 4066 | "Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this |
| 4067 | drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will |
| 4068 | embarrass us. |
| 4069 | "Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that |
| 4070 | nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to |
| 4071 | make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?" |
| 4072 | "Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my |
| 4073 | sister." |
| 4074 | A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said, |
| 4075 | "is room and board and a half-interest in the business." |
| 4076 | % |
| 4077 | After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying |
| 4078 | to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent. |
| 4079 | "You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other |
| 4080 | to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine." |
| 4081 | "So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to |
| 4082 | find one at three in the morning?" |
| 4083 | % |
| 4084 | After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that |
| 4085 | brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." |
| 4086 | -- Ronnie Shakes |
| 4087 | % |
| 4088 | After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. |
| 4089 | -- Joan Rivers |
| 4090 | % |
| 4091 | Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over. |
| 4092 | % |
| 4093 | AI hackers do it robotically. |
| 4094 | % |
| 4095 | AI hackers do it with robots. |
| 4096 | % |
| 4097 | Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job. |
| 4098 | -- Bobcat Goldthwait |
| 4099 | % |
| 4100 | Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor. |
| 4101 | |
| 4102 | Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"? |
| 4103 | A: Antler marks on their hips. |
| 4104 | % |
| 4105 | Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, |
| 4106 | the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off. |
| 4107 | -- Raymond Chandler |
| 4108 | % |
| 4109 | Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name. |
| 4110 | % |
| 4111 | Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his |
| 4112 | daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly. |
| 4113 | "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex. |
| 4114 | "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose. |
| 4115 | "That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?" |
| 4116 | "Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God; |
| 4117 | so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was |
| 4118 | screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her |
| 4119 | down." |
| 4120 | % |
| 4121 | "Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains |
| 4122 | the popularity of this field of study in computer science. |
| 4123 | % |
| 4124 | alimony, n: |
| 4125 | Having an ex you can bank on. |
| 4126 | % |
| 4127 | All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, |
| 4128 | a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift. |
| 4129 | % |
| 4130 | All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell |
| 4131 | them apart. |
| 4132 | % |
| 4133 | All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet. |
| 4134 | % |
| 4135 | All I want is a girl made of wood, |
| 4136 | With fine-grained hair and carven knee. |
| 4137 | She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke, |
| 4138 | Oh, wooden tit be loverly? |
| 4139 | -- Pinocchio |
| 4140 | % |
| 4141 | All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a |
| 4142 | penis or a vagina. |
| 4143 | -- Florynce Kennedy |
| 4144 | |
| 4145 | There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis |
| 4146 | or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. |
| 4147 | -- Gloria Steinem |
| 4148 | % |
| 4149 | All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most |
| 4150 | injurious things against him, but we never hear his side. |
| 4151 | -- Mark Twain |
| 4152 | % |
| 4153 | All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance, |
| 4154 | And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake, |
| 4155 | And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie, |
| 4156 | And the lie they tell, is enough to go to |
| 4157 | Hello, operator, give me number nine, |
| 4158 | If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the |
| 4159 | Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass, |
| 4160 | If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the |
| 4161 | Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies, |
| 4162 | This is what Lulu told me, just before she died. |
| 4163 | She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim, |
| 4164 | She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim. |
| 4165 | He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top, |
| 4166 | Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot. |
| 4167 | -- Princess |
| 4168 | % |
| 4169 | All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons, |
| 4170 | All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings, |
| 4171 | All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom, |
| 4172 | The Lord God made the lot; He made their horrid wings. |
| 4173 | |
| 4174 | All things sick and cancerous, Each nasty little hornet, |
| 4175 | All evil great and small, Each beastly little squid. |
| 4176 | All things foul and dangerous, Who made the spikey urchin? |
| 4177 | The Lord God made them all. Who made the sharks? He did. |
| 4178 | |
| 4179 | All things scabbed and ulcerous, |
| 4180 | All pox both great and small. |
| 4181 | Putrid, foul and gangrenous, |
| 4182 | The Lord God made them all. |
| 4183 | -- Monty Python |
| 4184 | % |
| 4185 | All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar |
| 4186 | crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying |
| 4187 | part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago |
| 4188 | there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more |
| 4189 | important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make |
| 4190 | president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody |
| 4191 | believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs |
| 4192 | the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for |
| 4193 | a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not |
| 4194 | going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his |
| 4195 | home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white |
| 4196 | collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest. |
| 4197 | -- J. Feiffer |
| 4198 | % |
| 4199 | All work and no pay makes a housewife. |
| 4200 | % |
| 4201 | Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every |
| 4202 | subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted |
| 4203 | to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning |
| 4204 | must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the |
| 4205 | essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is |
| 4206 | sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point |
| 4207 | of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed, |
| 4208 | not generall known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested |
| 4209 | in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion |
| 4210 | is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists, |
| 4211 | there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion |
| 4212 | in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method |
| 4213 | of free inquiry has made its way. The "religious" would be the last to be |
| 4214 | willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught |
| 4215 | in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely |
| 4216 | a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must |
| 4217 | protest against its being taught in any other spirit. |
| 4218 | -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 |
| 4219 | % |
| 4220 | Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most |
| 4221 | of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously |
| 4222 | appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his |
| 4223 | proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his |
| 4224 | superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely |
| 4225 | inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the |
| 4226 | responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a |
| 4227 | natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to |
| 4228 | the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him |
| 4229 | on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative |
| 4230 | anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight |
| 4231 | to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing |
| 4232 | up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next |
| 4233 | week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's |
| 4234 | your last sermon!" |
| 4235 | |
| 4236 | The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of |
| 4237 | Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by |
| 4238 | Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale. |
| 4239 | You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one |
| 4240 | among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at |
| 4241 | Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted, |
| 4242 | and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long |
| 4243 | and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't |
| 4244 | main may!'" |
| 4245 | % |
| 4246 | Always talk to your wife while you're |
| 4247 | making love... if there's a phone handy. |
| 4248 | % |
| 4249 | ambition, n: |
| 4250 | An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind. |
| 4251 | % |
| 4252 | America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman |
| 4253 | with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing |
| 4254 | anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable. |
| 4255 | -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign |
| 4256 | Trail" |
| 4257 | % |
| 4258 | America cannot be sold a can of beer without |
| 4259 | being offered a piece of pussy along with it. |
| 4260 | -- Julius Lester |
| 4261 | % |
| 4262 | America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel. |
| 4263 | -- Allen Ginsberg |
| 4264 | % |
| 4265 | American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise |
| 4266 | is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently, |
| 4267 | any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations |
| 4268 | in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners. She is not required to know how |
| 4269 | to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her |
| 4270 | husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him |
| 4271 | help, she's bound to cause trouble. Therefore, you'd think that colleges |
| 4272 | which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young |
| 4273 | men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this |
| 4274 | continent would teach the girls to read maps. None do. They teach a hundred |
| 4275 | other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the |
| 4276 | greatest friction. |
| 4277 | -- James Michener, "Space" |
| 4278 | % |
| 4279 | America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing. |
| 4280 | -- Lyndon B. Johnson |
| 4281 | % |
| 4282 | An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches. |
| 4283 | % |
| 4284 | An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about |
| 4285 | the happiness of life. |
| 4286 | "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful |
| 4287 | dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night |
| 4288 | Football," the American said. |
| 4289 | "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing |
| 4290 | a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a |
| 4291 | romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life." |
| 4292 | "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you |
| 4293 | two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping |
| 4294 | soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front |
| 4295 | door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Quaking |
| 4296 | with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret |
| 4297 | policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van |
| 4298 | Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are |
| 4299 | being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and |
| 4300 | shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh |
| 4301 | lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends. |
| 4302 | % |
| 4303 | An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an |
| 4304 | exclusive men's club. Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the |
| 4305 | only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation. "Care |
| 4306 | for a cigar?" he asked. |
| 4307 | "No, thank you," the Englishman replied. "I tried smoking once and |
| 4308 | didn't like it." |
| 4309 | "Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the |
| 4310 | businessman asked. |
| 4311 | "No, thank you. I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me." |
| 4312 | "Well, how about a game of billiards?" |
| 4313 | "Sorry. I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it." |
| 4314 | As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my |
| 4315 | son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you." |
| 4316 | "Your son? An only child, I presume." |
| 4317 | % |
| 4318 | An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife |
| 4319 | dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the |
| 4320 | visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All |
| 4321 | arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black |
| 4322 | hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a |
| 4323 | "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late. |
| 4324 | First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, |
| 4325 | ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?" |
| 4326 | The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our |
| 4327 | friend directions. The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy |
| 4328 | and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our |
| 4329 | hero. He speaks first: |
| 4330 | "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir." |
| 4331 | "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des |
| 4332 | capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un |
| 4333 | capeau noir?" |
| 4334 | "Ma femme est morte." |
| 4335 | "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!" |
| 4336 | % |
| 4337 | An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place |
| 4338 | is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception |
| 4339 | of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman. He very politely asks her |
| 4340 | if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he |
| 4341 | got a quick bite to eat. |
| 4342 | "I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies. "Little |
| 4343 | Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!" |
| 4344 | Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of |
| 4345 | an open window and takes the seat. |
| 4346 | An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the |
| 4347 | American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand |
| 4348 | you Americans. You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the |
| 4349 | street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!" |
| 4350 | % |
| 4351 | An angst-ridden amorist, Fred, |
| 4352 | Saw sartorial changes ahead. |
| 4353 | His mind kept on ringing |
| 4354 | With fishy girls singing; |
| 4355 | Soft fruit also filled him with dread. |
| 4356 | -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" |
| 4357 | % |
| 4358 | An Army travels on her stomach. |
| 4359 | % |
| 4360 | An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized |
| 4361 | logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have |
| 4362 | been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization. |
| 4363 | -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia |
| 4364 | % |
| 4365 | An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's |
| 4366 | chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the |
| 4367 | Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone |
| 4368 | who has seen the Managing Director face on). |
| 4369 | -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout" |
| 4370 | % |
| 4371 | And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God |
| 4372 | upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of |
| 4373 | criminal at the bar of justice. |
| 4374 | -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer |
| 4375 | % |
| 4376 | ...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and |
| 4377 | the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody |
| 4378 | talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder... |
| 4379 | % |
| 4380 | And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side, |
| 4381 | he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap. He peered avidly at |
| 4382 | me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose. "Oh, |
| 4383 | the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to |
| 4384 | suck her." Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth, |
| 4385 | not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even |
| 4386 | lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the |
| 4387 | other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which |
| 4388 | redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for |
| 4389 | no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether |
| 4390 | because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was |
| 4391 | nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous |
| 4392 | lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy, |
| 4393 | and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes |
| 4394 | were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this |
| 4395 | old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most respectable |
| 4396 | and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything |
| 4397 | lewd in it at all. |
| 4398 | -- Marquis de Sade |
| 4399 | % |
| 4400 | And let me the canakin clink, clink; |
| 4401 | and let me the canakin clink. |
| 4402 | A soldier's a man; |
| 4403 | O, man's life's but a span, |
| 4404 | Why then, let a soldier drink. |
| 4405 | % |
| 4406 | And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax. |
| 4407 | ... a brief pause, and then Bing! |
| 4408 | % |
| 4409 | And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served |
| 4410 | as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth. |
| 4411 | And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left |
| 4412 | open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?" |
| 4413 | % |
| 4414 | And prively he caughte hire by the queynte, |
| 4415 | And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones. |
| 4416 | --Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale |
| 4417 | % |
| 4418 | And so it goes. It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become |
| 4419 | victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the |
| 4420 | freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped |
| 4421 | off the end of his tail between wheel and rail. The little dog yelped, and |
| 4422 | he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through |
| 4423 | his little brown neck. The moral is, of course, never lose your head over |
| 4424 | a piece of tail. |
| 4425 | -- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse" |
| 4426 | % |
| 4427 | And the northern lights commenced to glow. |
| 4428 | And she said, with a tear in her eye, |
| 4429 | "Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow." |
| 4430 | -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper" |
| 4431 | % |
| 4432 | And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought |
| 4433 | he was melting... |
| 4434 | % |
| 4435 | "And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came |
| 4436 | upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her |
| 4437 | companion. |
| 4438 | "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!" |
| 4439 | % |
| 4440 | Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out |
| 4441 | photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the |
| 4442 | greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece. |
| 4443 | "My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to |
| 4444 | record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought |
| 4445 | upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but |
| 4446 | between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are |
| 4447 | family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little |
| 4448 | signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid, |
| 4449 | than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control |
| 4450 | of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously |
| 4451 | drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear. |
| 4452 | Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking |
| 4453 | "young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a |
| 4454 | couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle |
| 4455 | a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say. |
| 4456 | "Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the |
| 4457 | husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is |
| 4458 | being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir |
| 4459 | singer." |
| 4460 | -- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas" |
| 4461 | % |
| 4462 | Another nun joke!!! |
| 4463 | You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly |
| 4464 | this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat, |
| 4465 | exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right |
| 4466 | there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it. |
| 4467 | % |
| 4468 | Another stupid gay joke!!! |
| 4469 | You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry |
| 4470 | daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't |
| 4471 | serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come |
| 4472 | in and kick your ass?" |
| 4473 | The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo |
| 4474 | thurstay...." |
| 4475 | Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer |
| 4476 | on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon |
| 4477 | as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the |
| 4478 | bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could |
| 4479 | lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!" |
| 4480 | From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!" |
| 4481 | % |
| 4482 | anxiety, n: |
| 4483 | The first time you can't do it a second time. |
| 4484 | |
| 4485 | panic, n: |
| 4486 | The second time you can't do it the first time. |
| 4487 | % |
| 4488 | Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through |
| 4489 | his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high. |
| 4490 | % |
| 4491 | Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her. |
| 4492 | % |
| 4493 | Anything more than three shakes is for fun. |
| 4494 | % |
| 4495 | APL hackers take all they want. |
| 4496 | % |
| 4497 | Apple owners do it with mice! |
| 4498 | % |
| 4499 | APPOINTMENT BOOK: |
| 4500 | The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired |
| 4501 | invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is |
| 4502 | December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell |
| 4503 | it was you did during the past year. |
| 4504 | % |
| 4505 | Are there those in the land of the brave |
| 4506 | Who can tell me how I should behave |
| 4507 | When I am disgraced |
| 4508 | Because I erased |
| 4509 | A file I intended to save? |
| 4510 | % |
| 4511 | ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19) |
| 4512 | Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those |
| 4513 | who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters, |
| 4514 | and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius |
| 4515 | natives; probably a fistfight with one of each. |
| 4516 | % |
| 4517 | Arkansas: |
| 4518 | Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared. |
| 4519 | % |
| 4520 | As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; |
| 4521 | and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to |
| 4522 | be childless. |
| 4523 | |
| 4524 | The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, |
| 4525 | doubtless, a separation. |
| 4526 | -- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763 |
| 4527 | % |
| 4528 | As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that |
| 4529 | sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it |
| 4530 | was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed. |
| 4531 | % |
| 4532 | As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me. |
| 4533 | % |
| 4534 | As my dear autie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex |
| 4535 | makes the ride fun." |
| 4536 | % |
| 4537 | As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier |
| 4538 | than the average asshole on the street. |
| 4539 | -- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" |
| 4540 | % |
| 4541 | As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices |
| 4542 | within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by |
| 4543 | sex." |
| 4544 | One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we |
| 4545 | know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however, |
| 4546 | have two alcoholics." |
| 4547 | % |
| 4548 | As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept |
| 4549 | saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with |
| 4550 | one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, |
| 4551 | you're a veterinarian." |
| 4552 | % |
| 4553 | As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will |
| 4554 | have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest |
| 4555 | issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just |
| 4556 | simply marvelous." |
| 4557 | % |
| 4558 | As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS |
| 4559 | VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune |
| 4560 | offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland |
| 4561 | Driver's Handbook: |
| 4562 | If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite |
| 4563 | choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the |
| 4564 | heavens, do not panic. If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as |
| 4565 | soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the |
| 4566 | end of the world. If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do |
| 4567 | this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle |
| 4568 | not become a hazard to others. Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of |
| 4569 | automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals. You may experience a |
| 4570 | feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving. To |
| 4571 | ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder |
| 4572 | as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms: |
| 4573 | -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness. |
| 4574 | -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members. |
| 4575 | -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of |
| 4576 | white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers, |
| 4577 | who wear dark blue and safety orange.) |
| 4578 | Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in |
| 4579 | your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive |
| 4580 | you to a hospital at once. If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult |
| 4581 | the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations. |
| 4582 | % |
| 4583 | As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two |
| 4584 | figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew |
| 4585 | his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, |
| 4586 | oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three |
| 4587 | inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You |
| 4588 | could have been killed!" |
| 4589 | The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was |
| 4590 | coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with |
| 4591 | brakes." |
| 4592 | % |
| 4593 | As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch." |
| 4594 | % |
| 4595 | Ask your boss to reconsider -- |
| 4596 | It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer. |
| 4597 | % |
| 4598 | Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old |
| 4599 | woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it, |
| 4600 | she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds." |
| 4601 | -- David Letterman |
| 4602 | % |
| 4603 | ASS: |
| 4604 | The masculine of "lass". |
| 4605 | % |
| 4606 | Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free! |
| 4607 | % |
| 4608 | Assassins do it from behind. |
| 4609 | % |
| 4610 | At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that |
| 4611 | it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over |
| 4612 | the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's |
| 4613 | NOT my rectum!" |
| 4614 | "Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!" |
| 4615 | Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the |
| 4616 | room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands. |
| 4617 | "I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies. |
| 4618 | "Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel |
| 4619 | off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have |
| 4620 | numbers on it!" |
| 4621 | % |
| 4622 | At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced. |
| 4623 | The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists. First things first: it went |
| 4624 | to the institute of Marxism-Leninism. |
| 4625 | |
| 4626 | "IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the |
| 4627 | theologians. |
| 4628 | "YES," replied the computer. "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY |
| 4629 | SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY." |
| 4630 | % |
| 4631 | At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the |
| 4632 | decent men in public life. |
| 4633 | -- Renata Adler |
| 4634 | % |
| 4635 | Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times. |
| 4636 | % |
| 4637 | Australia's a lovely land |
| 4638 | It's full of bonza blokes, |
| 4639 | Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer |
| 4640 | Except in Pommie jokes. |
| 4641 | |
| 4642 | Australians are lovely chaps |
| 4643 | They're God's own chosen race. |
| 4644 | If they ever see a fairy Pom |
| 4645 | They'll smash him in the face. |
| 4646 | |
| 4647 | Australians like dressing up |
| 4648 | In skirts and having fun |
| 4649 | And that's all we were doing |
| 4650 | When the Vice Squad came along. |
| 4651 | -- Monty Python |
| 4652 | % |
| 4653 | A-Z affectionately, |
| 4654 | 1 to 10 alphabetically, |
| 4655 | from here to eternity without in betweens, |
| 4656 | still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world, |
| 4657 | sales talk from sales assistants |
| 4658 | when all i want to do is lower your resistance, |
| 4659 | no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums, |
| 4660 | love's on arrival, |
| 4661 | she comes when she comes, |
| 4662 | right on the target but wide of the mark... |
| 4663 | % |
| 4664 | B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14 |
| 4665 | % |
| 4666 | Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect. |
| 4667 | -- Nicolas Chamfort |
| 4668 | % |
| 4669 | Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was |
| 4670 | popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- |
| 4671 | blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from |
| 4672 | back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker |
| 4673 | kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll |
| 4674 | give you $10 for a blow job." |
| 4675 | The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and |
| 4676 | killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank |
| 4677 | you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" |
| 4678 | Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! |
| 4679 | No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!" |
| 4680 | % |
| 4681 | Balls Law: |
| 4682 | The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat |
| 4683 | of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant. |
| 4684 | % |
| 4685 | BALTIMORE: |
| 4686 | Where the women wear turtleneck |
| 4687 | sweaters to hide their flea collars. |
| 4688 | % |
| 4689 | Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). |
| 4690 | % |
| 4691 | Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. |
| 4692 | Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. |
| 4693 | Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, |
| 4694 | Unless you get a good percentage of her price. |
| 4695 | -- Tom Lehrer |
| 4696 | % |
| 4697 | BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!! |
| 4698 | % |
| 4699 | Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks! |
| 4700 | % |
| 4701 | Beauty, n: |
| 4702 | The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. |
| 4703 | -- Ambrose Bierce |
| 4704 | % |
| 4705 | Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another. |
| 4706 | % |
| 4707 | Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or |
| 4708 | repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is |
| 4709 | more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we |
| 4710 | get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging |
| 4711 | bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we |
| 4712 | love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor |
| 4713 | too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community |
| 4714 | care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're |
| 4715 | aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and |
| 4716 | if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're |
| 4717 | unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but |
| 4718 | men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're |
| 4719 | made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons |
| 4720 | we are part of the women's liberation movement. |
| 4721 | % |
| 4722 | Bedfellows make strange politicians. |
| 4723 | % |
| 4724 | beef stroganoff, n: |
| 4725 | A bull masturbating. |
| 4726 | % |
| 4727 | "Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to |
| 4728 | confess some affairs that I've had in the past." |
| 4729 | "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man |
| 4730 | replied. |
| 4731 | "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago." |
| 4732 | % |
| 4733 | Beifeld's Principle: |
| 4734 | The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive |
| 4735 | young female increases by pyramidical progression when he |
| 4736 | is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a |
| 4737 | better-looking and richer male friend. |
| 4738 | -- R. Beifeld |
| 4739 | % |
| 4740 | Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. |
| 4741 | To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football. |
| 4742 | -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" |
| 4743 | % |
| 4744 | Bend over and take it like a man! |
| 4745 | % |
| 4746 | Beneath this stone a virgin lies, |
| 4747 | For her life held no terrors. |
| 4748 | A virgin born, a virgin died: |
| 4749 | No hits, no runs, no errors. |
| 4750 | % |
| 4751 | Beneath this stone lies Murphy, |
| 4752 | They buried him today, |
| 4753 | He lived the life of Riley, |
| 4754 | While Riley was away. |
| 4755 | % |
| 4756 | Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut? |
| 4757 | Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation. |
| 4758 | Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut. |
| 4759 | It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something. |
| 4760 | % |
| 4761 | Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda. |
| 4762 | % |
| 4763 | BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: |
| 4764 | The single girl's motto. |
| 4765 | % |
| 4766 | Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. |
| 4767 | -- Mae West |
| 4768 | % |
| 4769 | Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose. |
| 4770 | % |
| 4771 | Bi now, gay later! |
| 4772 | % |
| 4773 | Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva |
| 4774 | generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic |
| 4775 | prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands, |
| 4776 | and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time |
| 4777 | you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail |
| 4778 | isn't sharp. In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously |
| 4779 | remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm |
| 4780 | with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact-- |
| 4781 | A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but |
| 4782 | can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes. The toes are definitely |
| 4783 | erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating |
| 4784 | results. |
| 4785 | -- The Joy of Sex |
| 4786 | [Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.] |
| 4787 | % |
| 4788 | Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they |
| 4789 | discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women |
| 4790 | can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she |
| 4791 | don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!" |
| 4792 | % |
| 4793 | Birth, copulation and death. |
| 4794 | That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks; |
| 4795 | Birth, copulation and death. |
| 4796 | -- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes" |
| 4797 | % |
| 4798 | Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. |
| 4799 | -- Woody Allen |
| 4800 | % |
| 4801 | Bitch, bitch, bitch -- |
| 4802 | That's all I ever hear, |
| 4803 | Ever since the dog ate the baby, |
| 4804 | "Get rida the dog, get rida the dog." |
| 4805 | % |
| 4806 | Blow it out your ass! |
| 4807 | % |
| 4808 | Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain |
| 4809 | sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St. |
| 4810 | Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk |
| 4811 | driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them. |
| 4812 | % |
| 4813 | BOHICA: |
| 4814 | Bend over, here it comes again. |
| 4815 | % |
| 4816 | Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up |
| 4817 | your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's |
| 4818 | one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting |
| 4819 | but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual |
| 4820 | feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression -- |
| 4821 | something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more |
| 4822 | because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a |
| 4823 | mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive |
| 4824 | self to try it. |
| 4825 | -- The Joy of Sex |
| 4826 | % |
| 4827 | Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous |
| 4828 | Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years. |
| 4829 | % |
| 4830 | Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot. |
| 4831 | % |
| 4832 | Breakfast sometime? |
| 4833 | Sure. |
| 4834 | Shall I call you or just nudge you? |
| 4835 | % |
| 4836 | Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh |
| 4837 | Held venal traffic with a gnu. |
| 4838 | Mistaking fore for aft one morn |
| 4839 | Impaled herself upon its horn. |
| 4840 | |
| 4841 | Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun |
| 4842 | our furred and feathered friends. |
| 4843 | % |
| 4844 | Brigands will demand your money or |
| 4845 | your life, but a woman will demand both. |
| 4846 | -- Samuel Butler |
| 4847 | % |
| 4848 | Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting. |
| 4849 | % |
| 4850 | Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each... |
| 4851 | [reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing |
| 4852 | -- NY Times |
| 4853 | % |
| 4854 | Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past |
| 4855 | week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science |
| 4856 | students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined, |
| 4857 | with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of |
| 4858 | the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected |
| 4859 | to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Prelimary estimates during field testing |
| 4860 | revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting |
| 4861 | the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to |
| 4862 | campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on |
| 4863 | Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in |
| 4864 | addition to the usual humiliation. |
| 4865 | % |
| 4866 | brunette bush, n: |
| 4867 | The dark side of the moon. |
| 4868 | % |
| 4869 | bug, n: |
| 4870 | A son of a glitch. |
| 4871 | % |
| 4872 | Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee |
| 4873 | Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. |
| 4874 | The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about |
| 4875 | cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with |
| 4876 | tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped. |
| 4877 | -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" |
| 4878 | % |
| 4879 | "But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?" |
| 4880 | -- Anonymous med school student. |
| 4881 | % |
| 4882 | But they'll never mechanize me -- not me! |
| 4883 | Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot. |
| 4884 | -- S.I. Hayakawa |
| 4885 | % |
| 4886 | But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. |
| 4887 | -- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson |
| 4888 | % |
| 4889 | Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses. |
| 4890 | -- Lord Beaverbrook |
| 4891 | % |
| 4892 | By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you |
| 4893 | get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. |
| 4894 | -- Socrates |
| 4895 | % |
| 4896 | CAD: |
| 4897 | A man who doesn't tell his wife |
| 4898 | that he's sterile until she's pregnant. |
| 4899 | % |
| 4900 | CALIFORNIA: |
| 4901 | From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or |
| 4902 | Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or |
| 4903 | "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." |
| 4904 | -- Ed Moran, Covina, California |
| 4905 | % |
| 4906 | Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus... |
| 4907 | % |
| 4908 | callgirl, n: |
| 4909 | A negotiable blond. |
| 4910 | % |
| 4911 | Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. |
| 4912 | -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth |
| 4913 | % |
| 4914 | Camille's Axiom: |
| 4915 | If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did |
| 4916 | I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching. |
| 4917 | % |
| 4918 | Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women. |
| 4919 | -- From the movie "Outrageous" |
| 4920 | % |
| 4921 | CANCER (June 21 - July 22) |
| 4922 | You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. |
| 4923 | They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. |
| 4924 | That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare |
| 4925 | recipients are Cancer people. |
| 4926 | % |
| 4927 | Candy |
| 4928 | Is dandy |
| 4929 | But liquor |
| 4930 | Is quicker. |
| 4931 | -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" |
| 4932 | |
| 4933 | Fortune updates the great quotes: #53. |
| 4934 | Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker, |
| 4935 | and sex won't rot your teeth. |
| 4936 | % |
| 4937 | Captain Hook died of jock itch. |
| 4938 | % |
| 4939 | "Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty," |
| 4940 | the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his |
| 4941 | client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is |
| 4942 | a hole in the ground." |
| 4943 | % |
| 4944 | Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when |
| 4945 | Communion is served there is also a salad bar. |
| 4946 | -- Bill Marr |
| 4947 | % |
| 4948 | Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin, |
| 4949 | Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll: |
| 4950 | Sans bras et tout noir, Without arms and all black, |
| 4951 | Il etait affreux voir; It was horrible sight; |
| 4952 | En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end. |
| 4953 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 4954 | % |
| 4955 | Chaste makes waste. |
| 4956 | % |
| 4957 | Chastity: |
| 4958 | The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. |
| 4959 | -- Aldous Huxley |
| 4960 | % |
| 4961 | CHASTITY BELT: |
| 4962 | An anti-trust suit. |
| 4963 | |
| 4964 | (And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.) |
| 4965 | % |
| 4966 | Chastity is its own punishment. |
| 4967 | % |
| 4968 | Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget |
| 4969 | bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block. |
| 4970 | I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side. |
| 4971 | It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded, |
| 4972 | middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a |
| 4973 | beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head |
| 4974 | to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to |
| 4975 | a wedding?" |
| 4976 | He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh... |
| 4977 | yeah." |
| 4978 | He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You |
| 4979 | know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows." |
| 4980 | % |
| 4981 | Chipmunks roasting on an open fire |
| 4982 | Jack Frost ripping up your nose |
| 4983 | Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire |
| 4984 | And folks dressed up like buffaloes |
| 4985 | Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow |
| 4986 | Helps to make the season right |
| 4987 | Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out |
| 4988 | Will find it hard to see tonight |
| 4989 | They know that Santa's on his way |
| 4990 | He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh |
| 4991 | And every mother's child is sure to spy |
| 4992 | To see if reindeer really scream when they die |
| 4993 | And so I'm offering this simple phrase |
| 4994 | To kids from one to ninety two |
| 4995 | Although it's been said many times, many ways |
| 4996 | Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! |
| 4997 | % |
| 4998 | Chorus: |
| 4999 | I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war, |
| 5000 | I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground, |
| 5001 | And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady. |
| 5002 | I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole, |
| 5003 | I don't want me pecker blown away, |
| 5004 | I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England, |
| 5005 | And fornicate me bloody life away!! |
| 5006 | |
| 5007 | Monday I touched her on the ankle, |
| 5008 | Tuesday I touched her on the knee, |
| 5009 | And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress, |
| 5010 | And Thursday I saw you know what, |
| 5011 | Friday I put me 'and upon it, |
| 5012 | Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak] |
| 5013 | And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er, |
| 5014 | And now she pays me forty quid a week! |
| 5015 | Oh, blimey... |
| 5016 | |
| 5017 | [chorus] |
| 5018 | % |
| 5019 | CHRIST: |
| 5020 | A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. |
| 5021 | % |
| 5022 | Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not |
| 5023 | committing them? |
| 5024 | -- Jules Feiffer |
| 5025 | % |
| 5026 | CHRISTIAN: |
| 5027 | One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired |
| 5028 | book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. |
| 5029 | -- Ambrose Bierce |
| 5030 | % |
| 5031 | CHRISTIAN: |
| 5032 | One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far |
| 5033 | as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. |
| 5034 | % |
| 5035 | Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in |
| 5036 | a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God. |
| 5037 | In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents. |
| 5038 | % |
| 5039 | CHRISTMAS: |
| 5040 | A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry |
| 5041 | salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best |
| 5042 | response time of the entire year. |
| 5043 | % |
| 5044 | CHRISTMAS: |
| 5045 | A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most |
| 5046 | deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our |
| 5047 | choice. |
| 5048 | % |
| 5049 | Christmas comes but once a year, |
| 5050 | A time for love and laughter; |
| 5051 | You can come much more than that, |
| 5052 | But you have to clean up after. |
| 5053 | % |
| 5054 | Cinderella 10: |
| 5055 | A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and |
| 5056 | then turns into a pizza and a six-pack. |
| 5057 | % |
| 5058 | Clark Kent is a transvestite. |
| 5059 | % |
| 5060 | Clarke's Third Law: |
| 5061 | Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from |
| 5062 | magic. |
| 5063 | |
| 5064 | G's Third Law: |
| 5065 | In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe |
| 5066 | is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. |
| 5067 | |
| 5068 | H's Dictum: |
| 5069 | There is no magic ... |
| 5070 | % |
| 5071 | Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, |
| 5072 | and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary. |
| 5073 | -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" |
| 5074 | % |
| 5075 | Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead. |
| 5076 | % |
| 5077 | clitoris, n: |
| 5078 | A haired trigger. |
| 5079 | % |
| 5080 | CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) |
| 5081 | |
| 5082 | Oh, give me a clone |
| 5083 | Of my own flesh and bone |
| 5084 | With the Y chromosome changed to X. |
| 5085 | And when she is grown, |
| 5086 | My very own clone, |
| 5087 | We'll be of the opposite sex. |
| 5088 | Chorus: |
| 5089 | Clone, clone of my own, |
| 5090 | With the Y chromosome changed to X. |
| 5091 | And when we're alone, |
| 5092 | Since her mind is my own, |
| 5093 | She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. |
| 5094 | -- Randall Garrett |
| 5095 | % |
| 5096 | Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!! |
| 5097 | % |
| 5098 | COCAINE: |
| 5099 | The thinking man's Dristan. |
| 5100 | % |
| 5101 | Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. |
| 5102 | % |
| 5103 | Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. |
| 5104 | % |
| 5105 | Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. |
| 5106 | -- Tallulah Bankhead |
| 5107 | % |
| 5108 | Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today. |
| 5109 | % |
| 5110 | Cocaine's a joke! |
| 5111 | (Who's got the next line?) |
| 5112 | % |
| 5113 | cock-sucker, n: |
| 5114 | Someone who got caught doing what you got away with. |
| 5115 | % |
| 5116 | Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. |
| 5117 | What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds? |
| 5118 | -- Orben's Current Comedy |
| 5119 | % |
| 5120 | Coito ergo sum |
| 5121 | % |
| 5122 | coitus interruptus, n: |
| 5123 | A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) |
| 5124 | "I want to have your child." |
| 5125 | % |
| 5126 | Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together. Live as |
| 5127 | ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to |
| 5128 | endure marriage. But she? |
| 5129 | -- Franz Kafka |
| 5130 | % |
| 5131 | Coitus upon a cadaver |
| 5132 | Is the ultimate way you can have 'er. |
| 5133 | Her inanimate state |
| 5134 | Means a man needn't wait, |
| 5135 | And eliminates all the palaver. |
| 5136 | % |
| 5137 | COLD: |
| 5138 | When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. |
| 5139 | % |
| 5140 | cold, adj: |
| 5141 | When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant. |
| 5142 | % |
| 5143 | College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, |
| 5144 | and nine months later you wish you'd never come. |
| 5145 | % |
| 5146 | Come along and sing a song and join our family. |
| 5147 | B & D |
| 5148 | S & M |
| 5149 | Post to A.S.B.! |
| 5150 | Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT. |
| 5151 | B & D |
| 5152 | S & M |
| 5153 | Post to A.S.B.! |
| 5154 | A.S.B.! |
| 5155 | (A.S.B.!) |
| 5156 | A.S.B.! |
| 5157 | (A.S.B.!) |
| 5158 | Come on now, let's try another tie! |
| 5159 | (Tie! Tie! Tie!) |
| 5160 | All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC. |
| 5161 | B & D |
| 5162 | S & M |
| 5163 | Post on A.S.B.! |
| 5164 | -- To the Mickey Mouse March |
| 5165 | % |
| 5166 | Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait! |
| 5167 | Catholic girls start much too late, |
| 5168 | Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate, |
| 5169 | I might as well be the one. |
| 5170 | Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray, |
| 5171 | Built you a temple and locked you away, |
| 5172 | Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid, |
| 5173 | The things that you might have done. |
| 5174 | So come on, Virginia, show me a sign, |
| 5175 | Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line, |
| 5176 | That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind, |
| 5177 | Never lets in the sun. |
| 5178 | Darling, only the good die young! |
| 5179 | -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" |
| 5180 | % |
| 5181 | Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night. |
| 5182 | -- Mae West |
| 5183 | % |
| 5184 | COMMENT: |
| 5185 | A superfluous element of a source program included so the |
| 5186 | programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing |
| 5187 | six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according |
| 5188 | to those who think they aren't. |
| 5189 | % |
| 5190 | Communists do it without class. |
| 5191 | % |
| 5192 | Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion. |
| 5193 | % |
| 5194 | computerfirm nymphomaniac, n: |
| 5195 | Hot Apple pie. |
| 5196 | % |
| 5197 | Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. |
| 5198 | |
| 5199 | [Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.] |
| 5200 | % |
| 5201 | Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms. |
| 5202 | -- Robin Williams |
| 5203 | % |
| 5204 | Confucius say: |
| 5205 | man who lay girl on hill, not on level. |
| 5206 | man who pull out too fast leave rubber. |
| 5207 | man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. |
| 5208 | modern house without toilet uncanny. |
| 5209 | man with athletic finger make broad jump |
| 5210 | woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before |
| 5211 | they shoot. |
| 5212 | man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling. |
| 5213 | woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit. |
| 5214 | child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission |
| 5215 | turn out to be shiftless bastard. |
| 5216 | a smart man knows on which side his broad is better. |
| 5217 | man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch! |
| 5218 | % |
| 5219 | Confucius say: |
| 5220 | man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead. |
| 5221 | man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs. |
| 5222 | man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy. |
| 5223 | boy who play with himself pulls boner. |
| 5224 | woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary. |
| 5225 | man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down. |
| 5226 | man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet. |
| 5227 | man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day. |
| 5228 | man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car, |
| 5229 | get exhausted. |
| 5230 | % |
| 5231 | Confucius say: |
| 5232 | woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house. |
| 5233 | woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring |
| 5234 | next spring. |
| 5235 | man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face. |
| 5236 | passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly. |
| 5237 | man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag. |
| 5238 | man who suck nipples make clean breast of things. |
| 5239 | woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine. |
| 5240 | woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone. |
| 5241 | Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best. |
| 5242 | squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts. |
| 5243 | epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one. |
| 5244 | seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak. |
| 5245 | % |
| 5246 | Confucius say: |
| 5247 | woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town. |
| 5248 | fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs. |
| 5249 | woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up. |
| 5250 | man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement. |
| 5251 | man who make love on ground have piece on Earth. |
| 5252 | man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key. |
| 5253 | man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night. |
| 5254 | man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied. |
| 5255 | man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life. |
| 5256 | man who streak unsuited for work. |
| 5257 | woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss. |
| 5258 | man who beat off in car have hot rod. |
| 5259 | % |
| 5260 | CONFUSION: |
| 5261 | One woman plus one left turn. |
| 5262 | EXCITEMENT: |
| 5263 | Two women plus one secret. |
| 5264 | BEDLAM: |
| 5265 | Three women plus one bargain. |
| 5266 | CHAOS: |
| 5267 | Four women plus one luncheon check. |
| 5268 | % |
| 5269 | confusion, n: |
| 5270 | Father's Day in San Francisco. |
| 5271 | % |
| 5272 | CONSULTANT: |
| 5273 | Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date. |
| 5274 | % |
| 5275 | continental breakfast, n: |
| 5276 | A roll in bed with some honey. |
| 5277 | % |
| 5278 | Coors, n: |
| 5279 | Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water. |
| 5280 | % |
| 5281 | Copa-ulation: |
| 5282 | (to the tune of Copacabana) |
| 5283 | |
| 5284 | Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair, |
| 5285 | She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go, |
| 5286 | And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar, |
| 5287 | And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come, |
| 5288 | His favorite drink is cream in coffee, |
| 5289 | Won't you order one? |
| 5290 | |
| 5291 | At the Copa, Copa-ulation ... |
| 5292 | |
| 5293 | Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl, |
| 5294 | But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow, |
| 5295 | Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown, |
| 5296 | She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind, |
| 5297 | But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings, |
| 5298 | But a real good time ... |
| 5299 | % |
| 5300 | Couples in motion have moments. |
| 5301 | % |
| 5302 | courage, n: |
| 5303 | Two cannibals having oral sex. |
| 5304 | % |
| 5305 | Cover your stump before you hump. |
| 5306 | Before you attack her, wrap your wacker. |
| 5307 | Don't be silly... protect your Willie. |
| 5308 | Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. |
| 5309 | If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it. |
| 5310 | -- National Condom Week |
| 5311 | % |
| 5312 | Cox's philosophy: |
| 5313 | Life's a bitch, then you die. |
| 5314 | % |
| 5315 | coyote love, n: |
| 5316 | Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is |
| 5317 | the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles |
| 5318 | bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping |
| 5319 | on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you |
| 5320 | chew off your arm at the shoulder. |
| 5321 | |
| 5322 | coyote ugly, adj: |
| 5323 | When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for |
| 5324 | a one-armed man! |
| 5325 | |
| 5326 | See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically |
| 5327 | as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call. |
| 5328 | % |
| 5329 | "Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple |
| 5330 | and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and |
| 5331 | because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be |
| 5332 | more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our |
| 5333 | entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing |
| 5334 | honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment |
| 5335 | to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any |
| 5336 | general understanding of science as an enterprise? |
| 5337 | -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer" |
| 5338 | % |
| 5339 | crew, n: |
| 5340 | Eight big men and their cute little cox. |
| 5341 | % |
| 5342 | Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at? |
| 5343 | I know - you don't have to say that! |
| 5344 | All you guys want of me |
| 5345 | Is a poke where I pee, |
| 5346 | And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!" |
| 5347 | % |
| 5348 | Crinklaw's Observation: |
| 5349 | Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed, |
| 5350 | marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence. |
| 5351 | % |
| 5352 | Cum Hilde autem ambulabat |
| 5353 | Homo qui aedificabat. |
| 5354 | Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat. |
| 5355 | Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat. |
| 5356 | Sed virginem pine necebat. |
| 5357 | % |
| 5358 | Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness. |
| 5359 | % |
| 5360 | Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. |
| 5361 | % |
| 5362 | Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text, |
| 5363 | "what did you do during the sexual revolution?" |
| 5364 | "Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was |
| 5365 | captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes." |
| 5366 | % |
| 5367 | Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true, |
| 5368 | Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw? |
| 5369 | I really must beg your pardon, |
| 5370 | But I've got a hell of a hard-on, |
| 5371 | From beating my meat, against the seat, |
| 5372 | Of a bicycle built for two. |
| 5373 | -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book" |
| 5374 | % |
| 5375 | Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. |
| 5376 | % |
| 5377 | Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches |
| 5378 | Got on with her grooms and her wenches: |
| 5379 | She went down on the gents, |
| 5380 | And pronged the girl's vents |
| 5381 | With a clitoris reaching six inches. |
| 5382 | % |
| 5383 | Dames lie about anything -- just for practice. |
| 5384 | -- Raymond Chandler |
| 5385 | % |
| 5386 | Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? |
| 5387 | FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!! |
| 5388 | % |
| 5389 | Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car |
| 5390 | from Avis again. |
| 5391 | -- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an |
| 5392 | axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his |
| 5393 | rented car. |
| 5394 | |
| 5395 | If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on |
| 5396 | me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight. |
| 5397 | -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being |
| 5398 | arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house. |
| 5399 | |
| 5400 | At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time |
| 5401 | stand-up guy. |
| 5402 | Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client. |
| 5403 | He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong |
| 5404 | path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison |
| 5405 | sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted. |
| 5406 | Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything |
| 5407 | you wish to say?" |
| 5408 | "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've |
| 5409 | got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers, |
| 5410 | you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..." |
| 5411 | -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game" |
| 5412 | % |
| 5413 | Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention. |
| 5414 | % |
| 5415 | date; talk; touch; unzip; finger; expand; strip; head; mount; yes; yes; yes; |
| 5416 | eject; more; sleep |
| 5417 | % |
| 5418 | Dave has an aeroplane, |
| 5419 | In which he likes to frisk. |
| 5420 | Oh what a foolish boy, |
| 5421 | His silly *. |
| 5422 | % |
| 5423 | David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather. |
| 5424 | % |
| 5425 | De Hispanice puella verumque |
| 5426 | Simplex oris verborumque |
| 5427 | Tulit potens vagina |
| 5428 | Hominum agmina |
| 5429 | Iterum iterum iterumque. |
| 5430 | % |
| 5431 | Dear Abby: |
| 5432 | I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was |
| 5433 | a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my |
| 5434 | sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother |
| 5435 | is a graduate student attending Purdue University. |
| 5436 | Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison |
| 5437 | for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very |
| 5438 | much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured. |
| 5439 | My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue? |
| 5440 | |
| 5441 | Sincerely, |
| 5442 | Undecided. |
| 5443 | % |
| 5444 | Dear Abby: |
| 5445 | I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I |
| 5446 | think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember |
| 5447 | from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do? |
| 5448 | --Confused |
| 5449 | |
| 5450 | Dear Confused: |
| 5451 | If she coughs, fuck her. |
| 5452 | % |
| 5453 | Dear Ann Landers: |
| 5454 | I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois |
| 5455 | Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death |
| 5456 | in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when |
| 5457 | I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father |
| 5458 | sells narcotics. |
| 5459 | I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where |
| 5460 | she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love |
| 5461 | this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this -- dare I tell her |
| 5462 | about my brother who works for Illinois Bell? |
| 5463 | -- Confused. |
| 5464 | % |
| 5465 | Dear Ann Landers: |
| 5466 | My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims |
| 5467 | one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to |
| 5468 | know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something. |
| 5469 | -- E.J. Mayfield |
| 5470 | % |
| 5471 | Dear Lord, observe this bended knee |
| 5472 | This visage meek and humble, |
| 5473 | And hear this confidential plea |
| 5474 | Voiced in reverent mumble: |
| 5475 | Give me Shylock, give me Fagin |
| 5476 | But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! |
| 5477 | -- Ansel Adams |
| 5478 | % |
| 5479 | Dear Miss Manners: |
| 5480 | Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. |
| 5481 | |
| 5482 | Gentle Reader: |
| 5483 | Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face. |
| 5484 | If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic |
| 5485 | discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief, |
| 5486 | and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth |
| 5487 | along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route. If, |
| 5488 | however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more |
| 5489 | intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your |
| 5490 | pink tongue. |
| 5491 | % |
| 5492 | Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this |
| 5493 | telegram was sent from a wife to her husband: |
| 5494 | "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE." |
| 5495 | % |
| 5496 | Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely |
| 5497 | housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice. |
| 5498 | The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that |
| 5499 | were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make |
| 5500 | him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just |
| 5501 | put one in whatever he's drinking." |
| 5502 | Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter |
| 5503 | and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped |
| 5504 | up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family |
| 5505 | dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking |
| 5506 | they were aspirin. |
| 5507 | When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping |
| 5508 | the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight |
| 5509 | of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter. |
| 5510 | "What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried. |
| 5511 | "See that mosquito?" he replied. |
| 5512 | % |
| 5513 | Dial 911. Make a cop come. |
| 5514 | % |
| 5515 | diaphragm, n: |
| 5516 | A childproof cap. |
| 5517 | % |
| 5518 | dicker, v: |
| 5519 | What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work. |
| 5520 | % |
| 5521 | Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America? |
| 5522 | -- Ed Sanders |
| 5523 | % |
| 5524 | Did you hear about... |
| 5525 | the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked? |
| 5526 | % |
| 5527 | Did you hear about... |
| 5528 | the plastic surgeon who hung himself? |
| 5529 | % |
| 5530 | Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother |
| 5531 | her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't |
| 5532 | ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that |
| 5533 | she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next |
| 5534 | question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told |
| 5535 | him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question |
| 5536 | again. |
| 5537 | Some time later, she found him looking through her purse. Sharply |
| 5538 | asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he |
| 5539 | had found the answers to all of his questions! |
| 5540 | "Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh |
| 5541 | 125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!" |
| 5542 | % |
| 5543 | Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot? |
| 5544 | % |
| 5545 | Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? |
| 5546 | You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. |
| 5547 | % |
| 5548 | Did you hear about young Henry Lockett? |
| 5549 | He was blown down the street by a rocket. |
| 5550 | The force of the blast |
| 5551 | Blew his balls up his ass, |
| 5552 | And his pecker was found in his pocket. |
| 5553 | % |
| 5554 | Did you hear they canceled Easter this year? |
| 5555 | Found the body. |
| 5556 | % |
| 5557 | Did you know that some people your age have sex |
| 5558 | thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after? |
| 5559 | % |
| 5560 | Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? |
| 5561 | % |
| 5562 | Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? |
| 5563 | % |
| 5564 | Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same |
| 5565 | room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild! |
| 5566 | -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings |
| 5567 | % |
| 5568 | Disclaimer of the Week: |
| 5569 | Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers. |
| 5570 | % |
| 5571 | Disillusioned words like bullets bark, |
| 5572 | As human gods aim for their mark, |
| 5573 | Make everything from toy guns that spark |
| 5574 | To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark. |
| 5575 | It's easy to see without looking too far |
| 5576 | That not much is really sacred. |
| 5577 | % |
| 5578 | Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled. |
| 5579 | % |
| 5580 | DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!! |
| 5581 | UP PERISCOPE!!! |
| 5582 | |
| 5583 | (Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.) |
| 5584 | % |
| 5585 | divorce, n: |
| 5586 | A change of wife. |
| 5587 | % |
| 5588 | Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? |
| 5589 | % |
| 5590 | Do married women make the best wives? |
| 5591 | % |
| 5592 | Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first |
| 5593 | step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you. |
| 5594 | -- DeGourmont |
| 5595 | % |
| 5596 | Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men, |
| 5597 | For though the world stood up |
| 5598 | And stopped the bastard, |
| 5599 | The bitch that bore him is in heat again. |
| 5600 | -- Bertolt Brecht |
| 5601 | % |
| 5602 | Do something big -- fuck a giant. |
| 5603 | % |
| 5604 | "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. |
| 5605 | "Who else?" answered the patient. |
| 5606 | % |
| 5607 | Do you smoke after sex? |
| 5608 | Why, do you know, I've never looked! |
| 5609 | % |
| 5610 | Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. |
| 5611 | % |
| 5612 | Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, |
| 5613 | very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. |
| 5614 | -- Dick Brandon |
| 5615 | % |
| 5616 | Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him? |
| 5617 | -- `J', "The Sensuous Woman" |
| 5618 | % |
| 5619 | Does it rape elephants? |
| 5620 | -- Brent Byer |
| 5621 | % |
| 5622 | Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep. |
| 5623 | It's easy, but it's not very satisfying. |
| 5624 | % |
| 5625 | Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men |
| 5626 | are strange as hell. |
| 5627 | -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful" |
| 5628 | % |
| 5629 | Don't dip your wick in a WAC, |
| 5630 | Don't ride the breast of a WAVE, |
| 5631 | Just sit in the sand |
| 5632 | And do it by hand, |
| 5633 | And buy bonds with the money you save. |
| 5634 | % |
| 5635 | Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment. |
| 5636 | % |
| 5637 | Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the |
| 5638 | idea that I'm knocking the American system. |
| 5639 | -- Al Capone |
| 5640 | % |
| 5641 | Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love. |
| 5642 | -- Woody Allen |
| 5643 | % |
| 5644 | Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. |
| 5645 | -- Bo Diddley |
| 5646 | % |
| 5647 | Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!! |
| 5648 | % |
| 5649 | Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse. |
| 5650 | % |
| 5651 | Dope will get you through times of no money |
| 5652 | better than money will get you through times of no dope! |
| 5653 | -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" |
| 5654 | % |
| 5655 | Down by the old model T, |
| 5656 | Where she first showed it to me. |
| 5657 | It was furry and black, |
| 5658 | And she called it a crack, |
| 5659 | But it looked like a manhole to me. |
| 5660 | % |
| 5661 | Draft beer, not boys! |
| 5662 | % |
| 5663 | Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking, |
| 5664 | but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing |
| 5665 | exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that. |
| 5666 | -- Grace Slick |
| 5667 | % |
| 5668 | Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning. |
| 5669 | % |
| 5670 | Dull women have immaculate homes. |
| 5671 | % |
| 5672 | DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell |
| 5673 | Built a world-circling pussy cartel, |
| 5674 | And by planned obsolescence, |
| 5675 | So controlled detumescence, |
| 5676 | A poor man could not get a smell. |
| 5677 | % |
| 5678 | During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of |
| 5679 | Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London, |
| 5680 | Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I |
| 5681 | read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like |
| 5682 | that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher |
| 5683 | said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a |
| 5684 | well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described |
| 5685 | the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his |
| 5686 | misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to |
| 5687 | say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz |
| 5688 | nuts.'" |
| 5689 | -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon |
| 5690 | % |
| 5691 | dyke, n: |
| 5692 | A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own |
| 5693 | tampons. |
| 5694 | % |
| 5695 | Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror. |
| 5696 | % |
| 5697 | Dyslexics have more fnu. |
| 5698 | % |
| 5699 | DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE! |
| 5700 | % |
| 5701 | Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance. |
| 5702 | % |
| 5703 | Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling. |
| 5704 | % |
| 5705 | Eat shit and die a virgin! |
| 5706 | % |
| 5707 | Economists are still trying to figure out why the |
| 5708 | girls with the least principle draw the most interest. |
| 5709 | % |
| 5710 | EE's do it without shorts. |
| 5711 | % |
| 5712 | Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump. |
| 5713 | -- Chinese Proverb |
| 5714 | % |
| 5715 | Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. |
| 5716 | -- Jackie Mason |
| 5717 | % |
| 5718 | Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: |
| 5719 | 1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, |
| 5720 | and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot. |
| 5721 | 2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. |
| 5722 | 3) You won't find out later that your cucumber |
| 5723 | ...is married |
| 5724 | ...is on penicillin |
| 5725 | ...likes you -- but loves your brother! |
| 5726 | 4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. |
| 5727 | 5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. |
| 5728 | 6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". |
| 5729 | 7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. |
| 5730 | 8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. |
| 5731 | 9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. |
| 5732 | 10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. |
| 5733 | 11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. |
| 5734 | % |
| 5735 | embarrassment, n: |
| 5736 | Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap. |
| 5737 | % |
| 5738 | Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant |
| 5739 | professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast |
| 5740 | as a male schlemiel. |
| 5741 | -- Ewald Nyquist |
| 5742 | % |
| 5743 | Erogenous zone, n: |
| 5744 | The skin you touch to love. |
| 5745 | % |
| 5746 | Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz, |
| 5747 | Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz. |
| 5748 | Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, |
| 5749 | Ich hore Mann kommen." |
| 5750 | "Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." |
| 5751 | % |
| 5752 | eternity, n: |
| 5753 | The length of time between when you come and he leaves. |
| 5754 | % |
| 5755 | Ethnologists up with the Sioux |
| 5756 | Wired home for two punts, one canoe. |
| 5757 | The answer next day, |
| 5758 | Said, "Girls on the way, |
| 5759 | But what the hell's a `panoe'?" |
| 5760 | % |
| 5761 | Evangelists do it with Him watching. |
| 5762 | % |
| 5763 | Even bytes get lonely for a little bit. |
| 5764 | % |
| 5765 | Evening hours "all clear" for romance! |
| 5766 | (Tell mate you have to work late.) |
| 5767 | % |
| 5768 | Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you |
| 5769 | wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? |
| 5770 | -- George Carlin |
| 5771 | % |
| 5772 | Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up? |
| 5773 | Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for? |
| 5774 | % |
| 5775 | Every harlot was a virgin once. |
| 5776 | -- William Blake |
| 5777 | % |
| 5778 | Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start |
| 5779 | closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive |
| 5780 | like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume |
| 5781 | and at least a pint of ether. |
| 5782 | -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" |
| 5783 | % |
| 5784 | Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start |
| 5785 | closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then |
| 5786 | drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas. |
| 5787 | -- Hunter S. Thompson |
| 5788 | % |
| 5789 | Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. |
| 5790 | |
| 5791 | Please, think of the kittens. |
| 5792 | % |
| 5793 | Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you, |
| 5794 | Amen!" |
| 5795 | Bruce: "Another two! (Bottles opening.) Any questions?" |
| 5796 | Bruce: "New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?" |
| 5797 | Bruce: "Are you a Poofter?" |
| 5798 | New-Bruce: "No!" |
| 5799 | Bruce: "No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: |
| 5800 | Rule One!" |
| 5801 | Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" |
| 5802 | Bruce: "Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos |
| 5803 | in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?" |
| 5804 | Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" |
| 5805 | Bruce: "Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not |
| 5806 | drinking. Rule Five..." |
| 5807 | Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" |
| 5808 | Bruce: "Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six. Rule Seven..." |
| 5809 | Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" |
| 5810 | Bruce: "Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. This |
| 5811 | here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a |
| 5812 | bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Amen! |
| 5813 | -- Monty Python |
| 5814 | % |
| 5815 | Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work. |
| 5816 | Except for women. |
| 5817 | % |
| 5818 | Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus |
| 5819 | Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer" |
| 5820 | and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders". |
| 5821 | % |
| 5822 | Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans |
| 5823 | are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority. |
| 5824 | Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by |
| 5825 | cats. |
| 5826 | You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems. |
| 5827 | They're neat. |
| 5828 | They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something |
| 5829 | about it. |
| 5830 | They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon. |
| 5831 | They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? |
| 5832 | What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty neglible. |
| 5833 | It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to |
| 5834 | do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world. |
| 5835 | % |
| 5836 | Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. |
| 5837 | -- Ellyn Mustard |
| 5838 | % |
| 5839 | exotic dancer, n: |
| 5840 | A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time. |
| 5841 | % |
| 5842 | Exuberant Sue from Anjou |
| 5843 | Found that fucking affected her hue. |
| 5844 | She presented to sight |
| 5845 | Nipples pink, bottom white; |
| 5846 | But her asshole was purple and blue. |
| 5847 | % |
| 5848 | falsie salesman, n: |
| 5849 | Fuller bust man. |
| 5850 | % |
| 5851 | Famous last words: |
| 5852 | 1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual. |
| 5853 | 2: You and what army? |
| 5854 | 3: Don't worry, I can handle it. |
| 5855 | 4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't |
| 5856 | be a cop. |
| 5857 | 5: I don't see how they make a profit |
| 5858 | out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth. |
| 5859 | 6: We're just getting into semantics again. |
| 5860 | 7: Everything's under control. |
| 5861 | 8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me! |
| 5862 | % |
| 5863 | Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full |
| 5864 | of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, |
| 5865 | long windy ones, quick little merry cracks... |
| 5866 | -- James Joyce |
| 5867 | % |
| 5868 | Fed some caviar to my girlfriend |
| 5869 | She was a virgin tried and true |
| 5870 | Now my girlfriend needs no urgin' |
| 5871 | There ain't nothin' she won't do! |
| 5872 | Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon - |
| 5873 | Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish. |
| 5874 | Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin' |
| 5875 | That's why caviar is my dish! |
| 5876 | |
| 5877 | Fed some caviar to my Grandpa |
| 5878 | He was a man of ninety-three |
| 5879 | Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma |
| 5880 | He had chased her up a tree! |
| 5881 | (chorus) |
| 5882 | % |
| 5883 | felt tip, v: |
| 5884 | Past tense for a breast examination! |
| 5885 | % |
| 5886 | Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a |
| 5887 | flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught? |
| 5888 | -- Rita Rudner |
| 5889 | % |
| 5890 | female, n: |
| 5891 | Life support system for a pussy. |
| 5892 | % |
| 5893 | Feminism, n: |
| 5894 | A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that |
| 5895 | both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated. |
| 5896 | % |
| 5897 | Feminists just want the human race to be a tie. |
| 5898 | % |
| 5899 | Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of |
| 5900 | women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their |
| 5901 | handbags are full. |
| 5902 | -- Earl Wilson |
| 5903 | % |
| 5904 | Fie for shame, |
| 5905 | you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, |
| 5906 | libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!! |
| 5907 | % |
| 5908 | Fig Newton. |
| 5909 | % |
| 5910 | Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. |
| 5911 | % |
| 5912 | Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree, |
| 5913 | Are powerful wardens upon chastity. |
| 5914 | -- Geoffrey Chaucer |
| 5915 | % |
| 5916 | Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan. |
| 5917 | |
| 5918 | Reporter: Tarzan? Is that your first or last name? |
| 5919 | Tarzan: Tarzan first name. |
| 5920 | Reporter: Then, what's your whole name? |
| 5921 | Tarzan: Tarzan of the Apes. |
| 5922 | Reporter: And who is the woman with you? |
| 5923 | Tarzan: That Jane. |
| 5924 | Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name? |
| 5925 | Tarzan: Cunt. |
| 5926 | % |
| 5927 | First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional, |
| 5928 | Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional, |
| 5929 | Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll |
| 5930 | And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original. |
| 5931 | Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer, |
| 5932 | You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer, |
| 5933 | Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight, |
| 5934 | Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate! |
| 5935 | Doin' the Vatican Rag. |
| 5936 | |
| 5937 | So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen, |
| 5938 | Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman, |
| 5939 | Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria, |
| 5940 | And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya, |
| 5941 | Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag! |
| 5942 | -- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag" |
| 5943 | % |
| 5944 | Five-foot nine, eyes that shine |
| 5945 | He was born in Palestine |
| 5946 | Has anybody seen my Lord? |
| 5947 | |
| 5948 | He's so cool, he's so fine |
| 5949 | Eat his bread and drink his wine |
| 5950 | Has anybody seen my Lord? |
| 5951 | |
| 5952 | He's so neat, he's so cool, |
| 5953 | Walks across my swimming pool. |
| 5954 | Has anybody... |
| 5955 | % |
| 5956 | Flappity, floppity, flip |
| 5957 | The mouse on the Mobius strip; |
| 5958 | The strip revolved, |
| 5959 | The mouse dissolved |
| 5960 | In a chronodimensional skip. |
| 5961 | % |
| 5962 | Flirt, n: |
| 5963 | A girl whose favorite man is the next one. |
| 5964 | % |
| 5965 | Floating idly one day through the air, |
| 5966 | A circus performer named Blair, |
| 5967 | Tied a sizeable rock, |
| 5968 | To the end of his cock, |
| 5969 | And shattered a balcony chair. |
| 5970 | % |
| 5971 | Floppy now, hard later. |
| 5972 | % |
| 5973 | Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself |
| 5974 | to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched |
| 5975 | by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really |
| 5976 | bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole |
| 5977 | life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno |
| 5978 | gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended |
| 5979 | and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man. |
| 5980 | Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of |
| 5981 | a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final |
| 5982 | appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to, |
| 5983 | Mr. Joe Gideon!! |
| 5984 | -- All That Jazz |
| 5985 | % |
| 5986 | Fond of equestrians, Mabel |
| 5987 | Looked for true love in the stable. |
| 5988 | But she found the studs, |
| 5989 | For her were all duds, |
| 5990 | Now she's out with the leg of a table. |
| 5991 | % |
| 5992 | For a gay time, call 632-9483. Ask for Brucie. |
| 5993 | % |
| 5994 | For a good time, call 632-9484. Ask for Cathy. |
| 5995 | % |
| 5996 | For a good time, call 632-9485. Ask for Michael. |
| 5997 | % |
| 5998 | For a house-to-house salesman named Moore, |
| 5999 | Getting housewives' attention's no chore: |
| 6000 | He's endowed with a dong |
| 6001 | That is 12 inches long, |
| 6002 | So he wedges his foot in the door. |
| 6003 | % |
| 6004 | For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. |
| 6005 | -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry |
| 6006 | |
| 6007 | When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all. |
| 6008 | -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life" |
| 6009 | % |
| 6010 | For children, a woman. |
| 6011 | For pleasure, a boy. |
| 6012 | For sheer ecstasy, a melon. |
| 6013 | % |
| 6014 | For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an |
| 6015 | exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was |
| 6016 | raised! |
| 6017 | % |
| 6018 | For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral |
| 6019 | sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was |
| 6020 | simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let |
| 6021 | alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and |
| 6022 | one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was |
| 6023 | over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I, |
| 6024 | sweetheart?" |
| 6025 | He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no |
| 6026 | cocksucker!" |
| 6027 | % |
| 6028 | For the sores on his prick he used Dial. |
| 6029 | That failed; he gave Lava a trial. |
| 6030 | But the one remedy |
| 6031 | For contagious V.D. |
| 6032 | Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. |
| 6033 | % |
| 6034 | For the sores on his prick he used Dial. |
| 6035 | That failed; he gave Lava a trial. |
| 6036 | But the one remedy |
| 6037 | For contagious V.D. |
| 6038 | Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. |
| 6039 | % |
| 6040 | "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, |
| 6041 | "You have told me my bosom is snowy; |
| 6042 | You have made much fine verse on |
| 6043 | Each part of my person, |
| 6044 | Now do something -- there's a good boy!" |
| 6045 | % |
| 6046 | fornication, n: |
| 6047 | Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. |
| 6048 | % |
| 6049 | FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15 |
| 6050 | |
| 6051 | Sex: |
| 6052 | Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of |
| 6053 | foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. |
| 6054 | |
| 6055 | Maturity: |
| 6056 | Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can |
| 6057 | function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards |
| 6058 | and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school |
| 6059 | romances rarely work out. |
| 6060 | |
| 6061 | Handwriting: |
| 6062 | To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just |
| 6063 | chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their |
| 6064 | "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their |
| 6065 | "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even |
| 6066 | when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. |
| 6067 | % |
| 6068 | FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18 |
| 6069 | |
| 6070 | Sexual frequency: |
| 6071 | The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every |
| 6072 | morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to |
| 6073 | have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month. |
| 6074 | |
| 6075 | Shopping: |
| 6076 | It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men. |
| 6077 | Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he |
| 6078 | will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition. |
| 6079 | He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in |
| 6080 | color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him |
| 6081 | half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished |
| 6082 | his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to |
| 6083 | relax. |
| 6084 | % |
| 6085 | Fortune Personals: |
| 6086 | SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English. Have |
| 6087 | own moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries |
| 6088 | only. Discreet. Fortune P.O. Box 1910. |
| 6089 | % |
| 6090 | Fortune presents: |
| 6091 | USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3. |
| 6092 | |
| 6093 | Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor? |
| 6094 | Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me. |
| 6095 | Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor. |
| 6096 | Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some |
| 6097 | contraceptives. |
| 6098 | ^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too? |
| 6099 | % |
| 6100 | Fortune presents: |
| 6101 | USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4. |
| 6102 | Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels. |
| 6103 | Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish |
| 6104 | Inkvizicion. Inquisition. |
| 6105 | La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two. |
| 6106 | Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish. |
| 6107 | ^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket, |
| 6108 | vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me? |
| 6109 | % |
| 6110 | Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! |
| 6111 | |
| 6112 | Try: |
| 6113 | [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell) |
| 6114 | ^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell) |
| 6115 | "How would you rate BSD vs. System V? |
| 6116 | %blow (C shell) |
| 6117 | 'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell) |
| 6118 | got a light? (C shell) |
| 6119 | !!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell) |
| 6120 | PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell) |
| 6121 | make love |
| 6122 | make "the perfect dry martini" |
| 6123 | man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD) |
| 6124 | i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell) |
| 6125 | % |
| 6126 | FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3 |
| 6127 | |
| 6128 | You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this |
| 6129 | proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your |
| 6130 | proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into |
| 6131 | your coffee. You: |
| 6132 | |
| 6133 | (a) Tell him you take your coffee black. |
| 6134 | (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. |
| 6135 | (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his |
| 6136 | "In" basket. |
| 6137 | (d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes. |
| 6138 | % |
| 6139 | FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5 |
| 6140 | |
| 6141 | You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and |
| 6142 | tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players |
| 6143 | live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: |
| 6144 | |
| 6145 | (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't |
| 6146 | remember your name. |
| 6147 | (b) Ask what position she played. |
| 6148 | (c) Ask if she is still working the streets. |
| 6149 | (d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask |
| 6150 | if he recognizes the label. |
| 6151 | % |
| 6152 | FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6 |
| 6153 | |
| 6154 | You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be |
| 6155 | your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into |
| 6156 | the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention |
| 6157 | to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone |
| 6158 | in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as |
| 6159 | his daughter. Your next move is to: |
| 6160 | |
| 6161 | (a) Ask for her hand in marriage. |
| 6162 | (b) Pass out and hope for sympathy. |
| 6163 | (c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the |
| 6164 | daughter and get her number. |
| 6165 | (d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room. |
| 6166 | % |
| 6167 | FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7 |
| 6168 | You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January |
| 6169 | and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live |
| 6170 | there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: |
| 6171 | |
| 6172 | (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your |
| 6173 | name. |
| 6174 | (b) Ask what position she played. |
| 6175 | (c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if |
| 6176 | he recognizes the label. |
| 6177 | % |
| 6178 | FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9 |
| 6179 | |
| 6180 | You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives |
| 6181 | in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and |
| 6182 | egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. |
| 6183 | Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass |
| 6184 | bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. You: |
| 6185 | |
| 6186 | (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. |
| 6187 | (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. |
| 6188 | (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. |
| 6189 | % |
| 6190 | Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality |
| 6191 | could go either way. |
| 6192 | % |
| 6193 | Fortune's Guide to Movies: |
| 6194 | G: No girl. |
| 6195 | PG: The hero gets the girl. |
| 6196 | R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl. |
| 6197 | X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure |
| 6198 | which end it will be. |
| 6199 | XXX: Everybody gets the girl. |
| 6200 | % |
| 6201 | Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1 |
| 6202 | |
| 6203 | Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if |
| 6204 | you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack. |
| 6205 | If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch |
| 6206 | you in the face. Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent |
| 6207 | of rape and should be avoided at all cost. |
| 6208 | Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion". What do |
| 6209 | you do? Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things |
| 6210 | rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously |
| 6211 | not be rational. Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before. |
| 6212 | Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about |
| 6213 | "certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc., |
| 6214 | they are talking about *you*. It is also correct to assume that words you |
| 6215 | don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid", |
| 6216 | are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally |
| 6217 | scathing response. Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for |
| 6218 | rational discussion. (See above.) |
| 6219 | % |
| 6220 | Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3 |
| 6221 | |
| 6222 | The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical |
| 6223 | recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for |
| 6224 | 30 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the |
| 6225 | final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call |
| 6226 | the author of that memo: |
| 6227 | 1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason. |
| 6228 | 2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping |
| 6229 | cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos |
| 6230 | are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal. |
| 6231 | 3: something unpleasant. |
| 6232 | The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone |
| 6233 | has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern |
| 6234 | electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning |
| 6235 | of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of |
| 6236 | the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via |
| 6237 | a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos. |
| 6238 | % |
| 6239 | FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5 |
| 6240 | |
| 6241 | Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed. |
| 6242 | % |
| 6243 | FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8 |
| 6244 | |
| 6245 | Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table. |
| 6246 | % |
| 6247 | Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual |
| 6248 | Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game |
| 6249 | shower for the first time. His friends were surprised - "For twenty years", |
| 6250 | one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for |
| 6251 | us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?" |
| 6252 | "Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual |
| 6253 | medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally |
| 6254 | decided to have the vagina removed." |
| 6255 | The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You |
| 6256 | mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all |
| 6257 | these years?" |
| 6258 | % |
| 6259 | France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear |
| 6260 | the toilet paper. |
| 6261 | -- Billy Wilder |
| 6262 | % |
| 6263 | From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the |
| 6264 | fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The |
| 6265 | moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and |
| 6266 | whispered, |
| 6267 | "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine |
| 6268 | inches?" |
| 6269 | There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, |
| 6270 | "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times |
| 6271 | in a row!" |
| 6272 | % |
| 6273 | Fuck art; let's dance! |
| 6274 | % |
| 6275 | Fuck off and die! |
| 6276 | % |
| 6277 | Fuck you and anybody who looks like you. |
| 6278 | % |
| 6279 | Fuck'em if they can't take a joke! |
| 6280 | % |
| 6281 | Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it. |
| 6282 | It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it. |
| 6283 | It makes you sick, it makes you well, |
| 6284 | It turns your spine to fucking jell, |
| 6285 | It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it. |
| 6286 | % |
| 6287 | fuck-me-pumps, n: |
| 6288 | Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather. |
| 6289 | The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps. Shoes with |
| 6290 | heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around |
| 6291 | them properly. |
| 6292 | % |
| 6293 | fuckoff, n: |
| 6294 | The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant. |
| 6295 | % |
| 6296 | Gardeners do it in raised beds. |
| 6297 | % |
| 6298 | GARTER: |
| 6299 | An elastic band intended to keep a woman |
| 6300 | from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. |
| 6301 | % |
| 6302 | Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive |
| 6303 | Donna Rice home. |
| 6304 | % |
| 6305 | GAY: |
| 6306 | One who'd rather swish than fight. |
| 6307 | % |
| 6308 | GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) |
| 6309 | You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because |
| 6310 | you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too |
| 6311 | little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. |
| 6312 | % |
| 6313 | Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen? |
| 6314 | -- Mae West |
| 6315 | % |
| 6316 | Geometry teaches us to bisex angels. |
| 6317 | % |
| 6318 | George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to |
| 6319 | find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He |
| 6320 | leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the |
| 6321 | bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the |
| 6322 | foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw |
| 6323 | another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up |
| 6324 | at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?" |
| 6325 | % |
| 6326 | George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he |
| 6327 | also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him? |
| 6328 | Because George still had the axe in his hand. |
| 6329 | % |
| 6330 | GEORGIA: |
| 6331 | Where kinky sex means getting laid. |
| 6332 | % |
| 6333 | "Get a load of that chick!" "Dude -- you gotta ask her out." |
| 6334 | "Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!" |
| 6335 | "Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!" |
| 6336 | "The worst she can say... is 'No'!" |
| 6337 | |
| 6338 | "Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif |
| 6339 | you'd like to go out with me!" |
| 6340 | |
| 6341 | Oh my god you little Geek! |
| 6342 | Get away before I freak! You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum, |
| 6343 | I'm a babe and you are not. You asked me out; you MUST be dumb. |
| 6344 | You can't handle what I've got! Well you can beg until you're blue, |
| 6345 | I'm too hot, too hot for you.. But you're not even fit to lick my shoe. |
| 6346 | I'm too hot, too hot for you. |
| 6347 | Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh! |
| 6348 | I want a whole man, not a half. I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer |
| 6349 | You wet your pants, I'm so sure. face, |
| 6350 | Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm god's gift to the male race. |
| 6351 | I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme, |
| 6352 | But you'll only see me in you dreams. |
| 6353 | "Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you. |
| 6354 | "Well, she didn't say no..." |
| 6355 | -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No" |
| 6356 | % |
| 6357 | GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!! |
| 6358 | % |
| 6359 | Get your bytes from our backend! |
| 6360 | -- Britton Lee |
| 6361 | % |
| 6362 | Getting an education at the University of California |
| 6363 | is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. |
| 6364 | % |
| 6365 | Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel |
| 6366 | Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel. |
| 6367 | But her genital area |
| 6368 | Is so vast it'll scareya, |
| 6369 | And you venture inside at your peril. |
| 6370 | % |
| 6371 | Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle |
| 6372 | Lean closer. |
| 6373 | Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle |
| 6374 | Smile at her *knowingly*. |
| 6375 | Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle |
| 6376 | Nod sympathetically. Show you're on *her* side. |
| 6377 | Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle |
| 6378 | Touch her hand lightly. Nobody understands but we two. |
| 6379 | Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle |
| 6380 | Look sincere. |
| 6381 | |
| 6382 | "Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?" |
| 6383 | |
| 6384 | God's gift to women strikes again. |
| 6385 | -- J. Feiffer |
| 6386 | % |
| 6387 | Gimme that old bisexuality, |
| 6388 | Gimme that old bisexuality, |
| 6389 | Gimme that old bisexuality, |
| 6390 | 'Cause it's good enough for me! |
| 6391 | |
| 6392 | It was good for David Bowie, |
| 6393 | It was good for David Bowie, |
| 6394 | It was good for David Bowie, |
| 6395 | And it's good enough for me! |
| 6396 | % |
| 6397 | Girls are better looking in snowstorms. |
| 6398 | -- Archie Goodwin |
| 6399 | % |
| 6400 | Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand! |
| 6401 | % |
| 6402 | Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation |
| 6403 | that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with |
| 6404 | certain curvilinear properties. |
| 6405 | -- Ashley Montagu |
| 6406 | % |
| 6407 | Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for |
| 6408 | yourself! |
| 6409 | % |
| 6410 | Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, |
| 6411 | however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen |
| 6412 | upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you |
| 6413 | have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian. |
| 6414 | -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" |
| 6415 | % |
| 6416 | Girls who throw themselves at men, |
| 6417 | are actually taking very careful aim. |
| 6418 | % |
| 6419 | Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them. |
| 6420 | % |
| 6421 | Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. |
| 6422 | -- Mae West |
| 6423 | % |
| 6424 | Give me Librium or give me Meth. |
| 6425 | % |
| 6426 | Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! |
| 6427 | % |
| 6428 | GLEE CLUB GROUPIE: |
| 6429 | A girl into choral sex. |
| 6430 | % |
| 6431 | GNU Make will no longer go into an infinite loop when fed the horrid |
| 6432 | trash that passes for makefiles that `imake' produces (so you can |
| 6433 | compile X, despite the extreme stubbornness and irrationality of its |
| 6434 | maintainers). |
| 6435 | -- GNU Make 3.55 release notes |
| 6436 | % |
| 6437 | Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks, |
| 6438 | and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her. |
| 6439 | % |
| 6440 | God is a polytheist. |
| 6441 | % |
| 6442 | God is an atheist. |
| 6443 | % |
| 6444 | God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's. |
| 6445 | % |
| 6446 | God is not dead -- he's been busted. |
| 6447 | % |
| 6448 | God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here |
| 6449 | on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these |
| 6450 | divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No |
| 6451 | checks, please. Cash and in small bills. |
| 6452 | -- Lazarus Long |
| 6453 | % |
| 6454 | God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. |
| 6455 | % |
| 6456 | God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. |
| 6457 | % |
| 6458 | God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. |
| 6459 | % |
| 6460 | God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. |
| 6461 | % |
| 6462 | God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on |
| 6463 | where to go. |
| 6464 | "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. |
| 6465 | "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. |
| 6466 | "Well, how about Mercury?" |
| 6467 | "No, it's too hot there." |
| 6468 | "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" |
| 6469 | "No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was |
| 6470 | there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're |
| 6471 | still talking about it." |
| 6472 | % |
| 6473 | God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love |
| 6474 | Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it |
| 6475 | will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else |
| 6476 | in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply |
| 6477 | for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule |
| 6478 | over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the |
| 6479 | turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent |
| 6480 | bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to |
| 6481 | impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits, |
| 6482 | for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette |
| 6483 | without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral |
| 6484 | dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming |
| 6485 | (hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well |
| 6486 | that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than |
| 6487 | expected, and may be with us for a long time yet. |
| 6488 | % |
| 6489 | God's plan had a great beginning, |
| 6490 | But man spoiled his chances by sinning |
| 6491 | We trust that the story |
| 6492 | Will end in God's glory |
| 6493 | But at present the other side's winning. |
| 6494 | % |
| 6495 | Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello |
| 6496 | is fatal to a virgin. |
| 6497 | -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" |
| 6498 | % |
| 6499 | Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields |
| 6500 | Sold in a market down in New Orleans |
| 6501 | Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright |
| 6502 | Hear him whip the women, just around midnight |
| 6503 | |
| 6504 | Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good? |
| 6505 | Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should |
| 6506 | |
| 6507 | Drums beating cold English blood runs hot |
| 6508 | Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop |
| 6509 | House boy knows that he's doing alright |
| 6510 | You should a heard him just around midnight. |
| 6511 | ... |
| 6512 | I bet your mama was tent show queen |
| 6513 | And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen |
| 6514 | I'm no school boy but I know what I like |
| 6515 | You should have heard me just around midnight. |
| 6516 | -- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar" |
| 6517 | % |
| 6518 | Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love |
| 6519 | "fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke. |
| 6520 | It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind). |
| 6521 | Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players |
| 6522 | unsupervised, even briefly. There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in |
| 6523 | the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm from this |
| 6524 | simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror. |
| 6525 | Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be |
| 6526 | able to get loose. |
| 6527 | -- The Joy of Sex |
| 6528 | % |
| 6529 | Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. |
| 6530 | % |
| 6531 | Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! |
| 6532 | Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently... |
| 6533 | |
| 6534 | Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis, |
| 6535 | isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong. |
| 6536 | |
| 6537 | It's swell to have a Stiffy, |
| 6538 | it's divine to have a Dick, |
| 6539 | from the tinyest little Tadger, |
| 6540 | to the world's greatest Prick. |
| 6541 | |
| 6542 | So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas, |
| 6543 | Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake. |
| 6544 | |
| 6545 | Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend, |
| 6546 | your Porky or your Cock, |
| 6547 | you can wrap it up in ribbons, |
| 6548 | you can stick it in your sock! |
| 6549 | |
| 6550 | But, don't take it out in public, |
| 6551 | or they will stick you in the dock, |
| 6552 | and you won't come back. |
| 6553 | -- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python |
| 6554 | % |
| 6555 | good scout, n: |
| 6556 | Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her. |
| 6557 | % |
| 6558 | Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his |
| 6559 | window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so* |
| 6560 | good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming |
| 6561 | voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and |
| 6562 | the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but |
| 6563 | great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications. |
| 6564 | Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his |
| 6565 | bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply, |
| 6566 | "Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!" |
| 6567 | Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his |
| 6568 | day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child. |
| 6569 | Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he |
| 6570 | dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window, |
| 6571 | Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to |
| 6572 | you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you, |
| 6573 | asshole! I'm in the West now!" |
| 6574 | % |
| 6575 | Grain grows best in shit. |
| 6576 | -- U.K. LeGuin |
| 6577 | % |
| 6578 | Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. |
| 6579 | % |
| 6580 | Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. |
| 6581 | % |
| 6582 | great lover, n: |
| 6583 | A man who can breathe through his ears. |
| 6584 | % |
| 6585 | GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917 |
| 6586 | |
| 6587 | On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then |
| 6588 | Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought |
| 6589 | them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought |
| 6590 | I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from |
| 6591 | his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs |
| 6592 | in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service |
| 6593 | men stood lookout. |
| 6594 | % |
| 6595 | Gross, adj.: |
| 6596 | When your bloody mary still has the string in it. |
| 6597 | % |
| 6598 | Gross, adj.: |
| 6599 | When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and |
| 6600 | slips you some tongue. |
| 6601 | % |
| 6602 | Gynecologist, n: |
| 6603 | Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails. |
| 6604 | % |
| 6605 | HACKER: |
| 6606 | A master byter. |
| 6607 | % |
| 6608 | Hackers do it bottom-up. |
| 6609 | % |
| 6610 | Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. |
| 6611 | % |
| 6612 | Hackers do it with bugs. |
| 6613 | % |
| 6614 | Hackers do it with fewer instructions. |
| 6615 | % |
| 6616 | Hackers have kernel knowledge. |
| 6617 | % |
| 6618 | Hackers know all the right MOVs. |
| 6619 | % |
| 6620 | Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half |
| 6621 | are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing |
| 6622 | is jerking off, why do you care how big it is? |
| 6623 | -- From alt.sex |
| 6624 | % |
| 6625 | Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema? |
| 6626 | % |
| 6627 | Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust. |
| 6628 | Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. -- |
| 6629 | Babies' diapers. -- |
| 6630 | Bottom wipers. -- |
| 6631 | Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust. |
| 6632 | % |
| 6633 | Handy hint: |
| 6634 | A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute |
| 6635 | when you're out of tampons. |
| 6636 | % |
| 6637 | Hang gliders come down very slowly. |
| 6638 | % |
| 6639 | Hangover, n: |
| 6640 | The burden of proof. |
| 6641 | % |
| 6642 | HAPPINESS: |
| 6643 | Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative. |
| 6644 | % |
| 6645 | Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to |
| 6646 | mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference |
| 6647 | between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep |
| 6648 | or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses |
| 6649 | his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past. |
| 6650 | Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit. |
| 6651 | -- Tom Robbins |
| 6652 | % |
| 6653 | Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the |
| 6654 | 22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The |
| 6655 | determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement |
| 6656 | program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day, |
| 6657 | lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet. Within months, the |
| 6658 | rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him. |
| 6659 | On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck |
| 6660 | by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How |
| 6661 | could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?" |
| 6662 | "To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't |
| 6663 | recognize you." |
| 6664 | % |
| 6665 | Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished |
| 6666 | when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his |
| 6667 | boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week, |
| 6668 | off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting |
| 6669 | that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice, |
| 6670 | he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with |
| 6671 | a stretcher. |
| 6672 | "But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine." |
| 6673 | Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the |
| 6674 | enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself. |
| 6675 | "Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good, |
| 6676 | feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?" |
| 6677 | Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said, |
| 6678 | "Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either." |
| 6679 | Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!" |
| 6680 | % |
| 6681 | Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to |
| 6682 | America's problems? Why, we could solve all of our raw materials |
| 6683 | difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend. If we |
| 6684 | got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico |
| 6685 | by 10:00. Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult, |
| 6686 | but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening. Turning our |
| 6687 | attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning. |
| 6688 | General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take |
| 6689 | up Sunday afternoon. I just don't understand why Washington hasn't |
| 6690 | thought of this... |
| 6691 | % |
| 6692 | Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman |
| 6693 | President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got |
| 6694 | my period." |
| 6695 | -- Steven Moore |
| 6696 | % |
| 6697 | Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or |
| 6698 | uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But |
| 6699 | if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't |
| 6700 | laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God |
| 6701 | other parts of our bodies are dumber. |
| 6702 | % |
| 6703 | Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I |
| 6704 | mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with |
| 6705 | water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom |
| 6706 | is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians |
| 6707 | don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a |
| 6708 | damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and |
| 6709 | Shirley" week after week. |
| 6710 | -- Dave Barry |
| 6711 | % |
| 6712 | Have you heard about Magda Lupescu, |
| 6713 | Who came to Rumania's rescue? |
| 6714 | It's a wonderful thing |
| 6715 | To be under a king-- |
| 6716 | Is democracy better, I esk you? |
| 6717 | % |
| 6718 | Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum |
| 6719 | Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin? |
| 6720 | Some people say, |
| 6721 | Love finds a way, |
| 6722 | But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'. |
| 6723 | % |
| 6724 | Have you heard of the lady named Cox |
| 6725 | Who had a capacious old box? |
| 6726 | When her lover was in place |
| 6727 | She said, "Please turn your face. |
| 6728 | I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox." |
| 6729 | % |
| 6730 | Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham |
| 6731 | And the scandal that's currently concerning'em? |
| 6732 | How they lift the frock |
| 6733 | And tickle the cock |
| 6734 | Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em? |
| 6735 | % |
| 6736 | Have you seen how Sonny's burning, |
| 6737 | Like some bright erotic star, |
| 6738 | He lights up the proceedings, |
| 6739 | And raises the temperature. |
| 6740 | -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning" |
| 6741 | % |
| 6742 | Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used |
| 6743 | for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such |
| 6744 | attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous |
| 6745 | as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the |
| 6746 | Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God |
| 6747 | finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. |
| 6748 | -- R.E. Masters |
| 6749 | % |
| 6750 | Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to |
| 6751 | satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical |
| 6752 | powers. |
| 6753 | After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There. |
| 6754 | Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating |
| 6755 | the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will |
| 6756 | work only three times. Make use of them wisely." |
| 6757 | As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep," |
| 6758 | he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life. |
| 6759 | "Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away. |
| 6760 | He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi. |
| 6761 | The old man gasped as he instantly got hard. |
| 6762 | "Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted. |
| 6763 | Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside |
| 6764 | and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel. |
| 6765 | "Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes. |
| 6766 | "Beep-beep!" |
| 6767 | "Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection. |
| 6768 | "What's all this beep-beep shit?" |
| 6769 | % |
| 6770 | Having made a remark rather coarse, |
| 6771 | A young lady was seized with remorse; |
| 6772 | She fled from the room, |
| 6773 | And later, a groom |
| 6774 | Saw her rolling about in the gorse. |
| 6775 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 6776 | % |
| 6777 | He: Am I... am I your first? |
| 6778 | She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar... |
| 6779 | % |
| 6780 | He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" |
| 6781 | She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now." |
| 6782 | % |
| 6783 | He: So, what do you say to little fuck? |
| 6784 | She: I say, "get lost, little fuck." |
| 6785 | % |
| 6786 | He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot, |
| 6787 | But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot. |
| 6788 | -- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues" |
| 6789 | % |
| 6790 | He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong, |
| 6791 | muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water. |
| 6792 | But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say, |
| 6793 | a pocket camera? |
| 6794 | -- An Exciting Journey |
| 6795 | % |
| 6796 | He dove down overweighted with lead. |
| 6797 | Passed one hundred and flat lost his head. |
| 6798 | He flapped and he flailed, |
| 6799 | Spit his hose and he wailed, |
| 6800 | Swallowed water and found himself dead. |
| 6801 | % |
| 6802 | He drank with curvy Mable, |
| 6803 | The pace was fast and furious, |
| 6804 | He slid beneath the table, |
| 6805 | Not drunk but merely curious. |
| 6806 | % |
| 6807 | He grabbed me by my slender neck, |
| 6808 | I could not call or scream. |
| 6809 | He dragged me to his tiny room, |
| 6810 | Where we could not be seen. |
| 6811 | He tore away my filmy wrap, |
| 6812 | And gazed upon my form. |
| 6813 | I so cold and frightened, |
| 6814 | While he so strong and warm. |
| 6815 | He pressed me to his thirsty lips, |
| 6816 | I gave him every drop. |
| 6817 | He drained me of my very self, |
| 6818 | I could not make him stop! |
| 6819 | And that is why you see me here, |
| 6820 | An empty, broken bottle of beer... |
| 6821 | % |
| 6822 | He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre. |
| 6823 | So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything |
| 6824 | unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I |
| 6825 | do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey |
| 6826 | hen that had been trained to do blow jobs. |
| 6827 | "We've got her here, but only for the day." |
| 6828 | The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went |
| 6829 | into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his |
| 6830 | cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing |
| 6831 | but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided |
| 6832 | that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and |
| 6833 | asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?" |
| 6834 | "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group |
| 6835 | of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching |
| 6836 | a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher. |
| 6837 | "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really |
| 6838 | great!" |
| 6839 | The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here |
| 6840 | a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!" |
| 6841 | % |
| 6842 | He hated to mend, so young Ned |
| 6843 | Called in a cute neighbor instead. |
| 6844 | Her husband said, "Vi, |
| 6845 | When you stitched up his torn fly, |
| 6846 | Did you have to bite off the thread?" |
| 6847 | % |
| 6848 | He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy |
| 6849 | Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. |
| 6850 | Then his gargantuan pole in |
| 6851 | Her pink, tight, and swollen |
| 6852 | Young cunt just about drove her crazy. |
| 6853 | % |
| 6854 | He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now. |
| 6855 | % |
| 6856 | He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist. |
| 6857 | % |
| 6858 | He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat -- |
| 6859 | scared it'd get serious. |
| 6860 | % |
| 6861 | He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date." |
| 6862 | % |
| 6863 | He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth |
| 6864 | and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet. |
| 6865 | -- Fred Allen |
| 6866 | % |
| 6867 | He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- |
| 6868 | Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States. |
| 6869 | It's the only job he's qualified for! |
| 6870 | -- Michael Cain |
| 6871 | % |
| 6872 | He who farts in church must sit in his own pew. |
| 6873 | % |
| 6874 | He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, |
| 6875 | pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. |
| 6876 | % |
| 6877 | He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. |
| 6878 | % |
| 6879 | He who trains his tongue to quote the learned |
| 6880 | sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass. |
| 6881 | -- Howard Kandel |
| 6882 | % |
| 6883 | Hear about... |
| 6884 | one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you |
| 6885 | have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off? |
| 6886 | % |
| 6887 | Hear about... |
| 6888 | the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow |
| 6889 | Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book? |
| 6890 | % |
| 6891 | Hear about... |
| 6892 | the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing |
| 6893 | the bed? |
| 6894 | % |
| 6895 | Hear about... |
| 6896 | the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and |
| 6897 | started chiseling on his wife? |
| 6898 | % |
| 6899 | Hear about... |
| 6900 | the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing |
| 6901 | his whatchamacalit? |
| 6902 | % |
| 6903 | Hear about... |
| 6904 | the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and |
| 6905 | demanded a salary on next week's advance? |
| 6906 | % |
| 6907 | Hear about... |
| 6908 | the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll? |
| 6909 | Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage. |
| 6910 | % |
| 6911 | Hear about... |
| 6912 | the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to |
| 6913 | go up on him? |
| 6914 | % |
| 6915 | Hear about... |
| 6916 | the careless canary that did it for a lark? |
| 6917 | % |
| 6918 | Hear about... |
| 6919 | the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride? |
| 6920 | % |
| 6921 | Hear about... |
| 6922 | the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films? |
| 6923 | The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure |
| 6924 | which end it will be. |
| 6925 | % |
| 6926 | Hear about... |
| 6927 | the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to |
| 6928 | a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car? |
| 6929 | % |
| 6930 | Hear about... |
| 6931 | the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors? |
| 6932 | % |
| 6933 | Hear about... |
| 6934 | the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the |
| 6935 | wrong foot? |
| 6936 | % |
| 6937 | Hear about... |
| 6938 | the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia? His patients didn't |
| 6939 | get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake. |
| 6940 | % |
| 6941 | Hear about... |
| 6942 | the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed |
| 6943 | everybody in the joint? |
| 6944 | % |
| 6945 | Hear about... |
| 6946 | the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and |
| 6947 | asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling? |
| 6948 | % |
| 6949 | Hear about... |
| 6950 | the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and |
| 6951 | next morning found she was six months pregnant? |
| 6952 | % |
| 6953 | Hear about... |
| 6954 | the farmer who couldn't keep his |
| 6955 | hands off his wife so he fired them? |
| 6956 | % |
| 6957 | Hear about... |
| 6958 | the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he |
| 6959 | fired them? |
| 6960 | % |
| 6961 | Hear about... |
| 6962 | The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed |
| 6963 | her between the limbs? |
| 6964 | % |
| 6965 | Hear about... |
| 6966 | the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station? |
| 6967 | % |
| 6968 | Hear about... |
| 6969 | the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly |
| 6970 | accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book. |
| 6971 | % |
| 6972 | Hear about... |
| 6973 | the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard? |
| 6974 | % |
| 6975 | Hear about... |
| 6976 | the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down? |
| 6977 | % |
| 6978 | Hear about... |
| 6979 | the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the |
| 6980 | delinquency of a major? |
| 6981 | % |
| 6982 | Hear about... |
| 6983 | the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went |
| 6984 | to the front? |
| 6985 | % |
| 6986 | Hear about... |
| 6987 | the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex |
| 6988 | education when she heard the final exam would be oral? |
| 6989 | % |
| 6990 | Hear about... |
| 6991 | the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and |
| 6992 | then his wife didn't leave town? |
| 6993 | % |
| 6994 | Hear about... |
| 6995 | the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider |
| 6996 | marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt? |
| 6997 | % |
| 6998 | Hear about... |
| 6999 | the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local |
| 7000 | sailors? |
| 7001 | % |
| 7002 | Hear about... |
| 7003 | the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend, |
| 7004 | so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two? |
| 7005 | % |
| 7006 | Hear about... |
| 7007 | the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was |
| 7008 | such a sweet liquor? |
| 7009 | % |
| 7010 | Hear about... |
| 7011 | the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator |
| 7012 | off? |
| 7013 | % |
| 7014 | Hear about... |
| 7015 | the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip? |
| 7016 | % |
| 7017 | Hear about... |
| 7018 | the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just kind of lost |
| 7019 | his ball bearings. |
| 7020 | % |
| 7021 | Hear about... |
| 7022 | the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he |
| 7023 | lost his ball bearings? |
| 7024 | % |
| 7025 | Hear about... |
| 7026 | the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears? |
| 7027 | Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up. |
| 7028 | % |
| 7029 | Hear about... |
| 7030 | the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that |
| 7031 | he'd never be able to face his girl again? |
| 7032 | % |
| 7033 | Hear about... |
| 7034 | the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along? |
| 7035 | % |
| 7036 | Hear about... |
| 7037 | the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin? |
| 7038 | % |
| 7039 | Hear about... |
| 7040 | the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his |
| 7041 | assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe? |
| 7042 | % |
| 7043 | Hear about... |
| 7044 | the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and |
| 7045 | so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers? |
| 7046 | % |
| 7047 | Hear about... |
| 7048 | the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce? |
| 7049 | % |
| 7050 | Hear about... |
| 7051 | the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose |
| 7052 | a lot more than letters behind the files? |
| 7053 | % |
| 7054 | Hear about... |
| 7055 | the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are |
| 7056 | with young housewives who aren't adequately covered? |
| 7057 | % |
| 7058 | Hear about... |
| 7059 | the little boy that found a fifty cent |
| 7060 | piece, so he went home for some money? |
| 7061 | % |
| 7062 | Hear about... |
| 7063 | the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home |
| 7064 | for some money? |
| 7065 | % |
| 7066 | Hear about... |
| 7067 | the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent? Except on |
| 7068 | Palm Sunday, of course. |
| 7069 | % |
| 7070 | Hear about... |
| 7071 | the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New |
| 7072 | York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman? |
| 7073 | % |
| 7074 | Hear about... |
| 7075 | the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that |
| 7076 | he'd never be able to face his girl again? |
| 7077 | % |
| 7078 | Hear about... |
| 7079 | the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often |
| 7080 | that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed? |
| 7081 | % |
| 7082 | Hear about... |
| 7083 | the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk |
| 7084 | and they eat each other. |
| 7085 | % |
| 7086 | Hear about... |
| 7087 | the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap, |
| 7088 | crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang? |
| 7089 | % |
| 7090 | Hear about... |
| 7091 | the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in |
| 7092 | Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard. |
| 7093 | % |
| 7094 | Hear about... |
| 7095 | the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in |
| 7096 | single bars -- BANG AMERICARD? |
| 7097 | % |
| 7098 | Hear about... |
| 7099 | the new rule at the girls' school? |
| 7100 | Lights out by ten, candles by eleven. |
| 7101 | % |
| 7102 | Hear about... |
| 7103 | the new vitamin made from chicken blood, |
| 7104 | it makes men cocky and women lay better? |
| 7105 | % |
| 7106 | Hear about... |
| 7107 | the nurse they thought had drowned |
| 7108 | until they found her under the doc? |
| 7109 | % |
| 7110 | Hear about... |
| 7111 | the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie? |
| 7112 | % |
| 7113 | Hear about... |
| 7114 | the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle? |
| 7115 | % |
| 7116 | Hear about... |
| 7117 | the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney? |
| 7118 | % |
| 7119 | Hear about... |
| 7120 | the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into |
| 7121 | a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass? |
| 7122 | % |
| 7123 | Hear about... |
| 7124 | the real smart girl who could play post-office all night |
| 7125 | without getting any mail in her box? |
| 7126 | % |
| 7127 | Hear about... |
| 7128 | the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the |
| 7129 | men who have tried Camels have gone back to women? |
| 7130 | % |
| 7131 | Hear about... |
| 7132 | the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought |
| 7133 | someone would grab his seat? |
| 7134 | % |
| 7135 | Hear about... |
| 7136 | the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini? |
| 7137 | % |
| 7138 | Hear about... |
| 7139 | the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft. |
| 7140 | % |
| 7141 | Hear about... |
| 7142 | the swinger who labeled his little black book "Future Shack"? |
| 7143 | % |
| 7144 | Hear about... |
| 7145 | the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a |
| 7146 | wide receiver? |
| 7147 | % |
| 7148 | Hear about... |
| 7149 | the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell |
| 7150 | off the sofa? |
| 7151 | % |
| 7152 | Hear about... |
| 7153 | the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have |
| 7154 | to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted? |
| 7155 | % |
| 7156 | Hear about... |
| 7157 | the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her |
| 7158 | feel like a new man? |
| 7159 | % |
| 7160 | Hear about... |
| 7161 | the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a |
| 7162 | new man? |
| 7163 | % |
| 7164 | Hear about... |
| 7165 | the young lady attacked in San Francisco? |
| 7166 | By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair. |
| 7167 | % |
| 7168 | Hear about... |
| 7169 | the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as |
| 7170 | Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because |
| 7171 | she's a wonderful mount? |
| 7172 | % |
| 7173 | Hear about the... |
| 7174 | guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that |
| 7175 | if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent. |
| 7176 | % |
| 7177 | Hear that... |
| 7178 | bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous |
| 7179 | Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years? |
| 7180 | % |
| 7181 | Hear that... |
| 7182 | the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization |
| 7183 | in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member |
| 7184 | in good standing? |
| 7185 | % |
| 7186 | Hear that... |
| 7187 | the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your |
| 7188 | collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears? |
| 7189 | % |
| 7190 | Hear that... |
| 7191 | the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled |
| 7192 | "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"? |
| 7193 | % |
| 7194 | Hear that... |
| 7195 | there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky |
| 7196 | tastes? There's a House whip in attendance, of course? |
| 7197 | % |
| 7198 | Hear that... |
| 7199 | those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male |
| 7200 | version -- with nuts of course? |
| 7201 | % |
| 7202 | Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy. |
| 7203 | Seems he's screwing everyone but her. |
| 7204 | % |
| 7205 | He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie |
| 7206 | They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie. |
| 7207 | So he put Spanish fly |
| 7208 | In their pudding and pie |
| 7209 | And had the first tiny-tot orgy. |
| 7210 | % |
| 7211 | Heisenberg may have done it. |
| 7212 | % |
| 7213 | "Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick, |
| 7214 | "I won't suck his filthy old prick! |
| 7215 | It's not that I funk |
| 7216 | At a mouthful of spunk, |
| 7217 | But the smell of his ass makes me sick!" |
| 7218 | % |
| 7219 | "Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..." |
| 7220 | -- Zippy the Pinhead |
| 7221 | % |
| 7222 | Hello, children!! |
| 7223 | This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune. |
| 7224 | Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap |
| 7225 | and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!! |
| 7226 | |
| 7227 | One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her |
| 7228 | tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he |
| 7229 | grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and |
| 7230 | hurriedly ripping off her thin *******. |
| 7231 | |
| 7232 | Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. |
| 7233 | He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the |
| 7234 | pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* ******* |
| 7235 | of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon. |
| 7236 | |
| 7237 | Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic |
| 7238 | oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted |
| 7239 | glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ******** |
| 7240 | and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and ***** |
| 7241 | the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs. |
| 7242 | % |
| 7243 | Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body! |
| 7244 | -- Bisexuality, 101 |
| 7245 | % |
| 7246 | Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.) |
| 7247 | % |
| 7248 | HENPECKED HUSBAND: |
| 7249 | One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile. |
| 7250 | % |
| 7251 | Her brother, a bastard named Ben, |
| 7252 | Could rotate his pecker, and then |
| 7253 | He would shoot through his rear |
| 7254 | Which made him dear |
| 7255 | Of the girls, and the envy of men. |
| 7256 | % |
| 7257 | Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin, |
| 7258 | Had morals the city might soften. |
| 7259 | So she phoned and asked, "Lynn, |
| 7260 | Are you living in sin?" |
| 7261 | Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often." |
| 7262 | % |
| 7263 | Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her. |
| 7264 | % |
| 7265 | Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin', |
| 7266 | Just gave birth to another Texan. |
| 7267 | % |
| 7268 | Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue |
| 7269 | of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with |
| 7270 | the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it |
| 7271 | when he saw it. So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the |
| 7272 | suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it |
| 7273 | over. "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until |
| 7274 | one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under |
| 7275 | an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling |
| 7276 | stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was |
| 7277 | illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the |
| 7278 | court was going to take a nap. |
| 7279 | -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" |
| 7280 | % |
| 7281 | Here's a toast to Screwy Dick, |
| 7282 | The man who was born with a corkscrew prick. |
| 7283 | He spent his life in a futile hunt, |
| 7284 | To find a woman with a spiral cunt. |
| 7285 | And when he did, he dropped stone dead, |
| 7286 | 'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread! |
| 7287 | % |
| 7288 | Here's to the girl in little red shoes, |
| 7289 | She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze, |
| 7290 | She has no cherry, but that's no sin, |
| 7291 | She has the box the cherry came in. |
| 7292 | % |
| 7293 | Here's to the girl that's dressed in black, |
| 7294 | She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack |
| 7295 | She feels so fine and kisses so sweet |
| 7296 | She makes things stand that have no feet. |
| 7297 | % |
| 7298 | Here's to the girl that's sweet, |
| 7299 | Here's to the girl that's true, |
| 7300 | Here's to the girl in all our hearts... |
| 7301 | |
| 7302 | In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for |
| 7303 | the rest of the night? |
| 7304 | % |
| 7305 | Here's to the woman beautiful and divine |
| 7306 | she flowers every month bears fruit every nine |
| 7307 | she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell |
| 7308 | can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell. |
| 7309 | % |
| 7310 | Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling |
| 7311 | into her hands. |
| 7312 | -- Ambrose Bierce |
| 7313 | % |
| 7314 | HERMIT: |
| 7315 | A man who'd rather get off by himself. |
| 7316 | % |
| 7317 | HERPES: |
| 7318 | The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive. |
| 7319 | Much better. |
| 7320 | % |
| 7321 | He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch. |
| 7322 | -- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza |
| 7323 | % |
| 7324 | He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to |
| 7325 | read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact. |
| 7326 | % |
| 7327 | He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation; |
| 7328 | he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out. |
| 7329 | % |
| 7330 | Hey baby! |
| 7331 | How 'bout a brutal face fuck? |
| 7332 | % |
| 7333 | HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: |
| 7334 | A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to |
| 7335 | become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just |
| 7336 | like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality. |
| 7337 | They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents |
| 7338 | today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the |
| 7339 | male or female edition. |
| 7340 | % |
| 7341 | HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: |
| 7342 | Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right! |
| 7343 | Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques |
| 7344 | for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition. |
| 7345 | % |
| 7346 | HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: |
| 7347 | Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an |
| 7348 | oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today! |
| 7349 | % |
| 7350 | Hickory Dickory Dock, |
| 7351 | Three mice ran up a clock! |
| 7352 | The clock struck one, |
| 7353 | Right in the balls! |
| 7354 | |
| 7355 | There was an old woman, |
| 7356 | Who lived in a shoe, |
| 7357 | Who had so many children, |
| 7358 | Her uterus fell right out. |
| 7359 | % |
| 7360 | Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational |
| 7361 | Yale University Extracurricular |
| 7362 | Gave up misogyny Heterosexual |
| 7363 | Opened its door. Fun is in store. |
| 7364 | % |
| 7365 | Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch! |
| 7366 | % |
| 7367 | His shy bride admitted to Crandall |
| 7368 | That for years she'd worked off with a candle, |
| 7369 | But a cock like his dick |
| 7370 | Gave her ten times the kick, |
| 7371 | Though it stained her wee peehole to handle! |
| 7372 | % |
| 7373 | Home is where the hurt is. |
| 7374 | -- Strange de Jim |
| 7375 | % |
| 7376 | Honest, officer, had I known my health was |
| 7377 | in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one! |
| 7378 | % |
| 7379 | HONOR: |
| 7380 | Almost as good as in 'er. |
| 7381 | % |
| 7382 | horny, adj: |
| 7383 | When your cock gets hard if the wind blows. |
| 7384 | % |
| 7385 | Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done. |
| 7386 | Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another |
| 7387 | weak sister to be shored up. |
| 7388 | -- J.R. Ewing |
| 7389 | % |
| 7390 | HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN |
| 7391 | Vol. I -- Etiquette |
| 7392 | |
| 7393 | 1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then |
| 7394 | scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!" |
| 7395 | 2. Washing your partner's back is sexy. Washing your panty hose is not. |
| 7396 | 3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil |
| 7397 | it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've |
| 7398 | seen bigger wangs on hamsters!" |
| 7399 | 4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing. Don't pass anything else. |
| 7400 | 5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a |
| 7401 | toy submarine. |
| 7402 | % |
| 7403 | How can you say that the world isn't |
| 7404 | Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol? |
| 7405 | % |
| 7406 | How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection? |
| 7407 | % |
| 7408 | How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the |
| 7409 | government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was |
| 7410 | gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. |
| 7411 | We'll be lucky to escape with our skins! |
| 7412 | % |
| 7413 | How should they answer? |
| 7414 | -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question |
| 7415 | "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?" |
| 7416 | % |
| 7417 | How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers? |
| 7418 | Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room. |
| 7419 | % |
| 7420 | HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28 |
| 7421 | Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with |
| 7422 | Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and |
| 7423 | be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between |
| 7424 | the keys. |
| 7425 | % |
| 7426 | Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. |
| 7427 | -- John Valby |
| 7428 | % |
| 7429 | Hugh Hefner is a virgin. |
| 7430 | % |
| 7431 | Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the |
| 7432 | bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot. |
| 7433 | % |
| 7434 | Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse. |
| 7435 | % |
| 7436 | hypocrite, n: |
| 7437 | A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy. |
| 7438 | % |
| 7439 | I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this |
| 7440 | country what it once was... an arctic wilderness. |
| 7441 | -- Steve Martin |
| 7442 | % |
| 7443 | I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance. |
| 7444 | You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's |
| 7445 | going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because |
| 7446 | you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on |
| 7447 | a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system... |
| 7448 | -- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach. |
| 7449 | % |
| 7450 | I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost |
| 7451 | perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are |
| 7452 | too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it |
| 7453 | the one immortal blemish of mankind. |
| 7454 | -- Fredrich Nietzsche |
| 7455 | % |
| 7456 | I call it the "Madman Theory". I want the North Vietnamese to believe that |
| 7457 | I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war. We'll |
| 7458 | just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed |
| 7459 | about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his |
| 7460 | hand on the nuclear button." |
| 7461 | -- Richard Nixon |
| 7462 | % |
| 7463 | I came; I saw; I fucked up. |
| 7464 | % |
| 7465 | I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute |
| 7466 | dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing |
| 7467 | and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day. |
| 7468 | -- Betty MacDonald |
| 7469 | % |
| 7470 | I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the |
| 7471 | afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair. |
| 7472 | -- Gore Vidal |
| 7473 | % |
| 7474 | I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off. |
| 7475 | -- Peter Knight |
| 7476 | % |
| 7477 | I choked Linda Lovelace. |
| 7478 | % |
| 7479 | I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness, |
| 7480 | but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs |
| 7481 | and wallowing in its odor. |
| 7482 | -- Salvador Dali |
| 7483 | % |
| 7484 | I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America; |
| 7485 | here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully |
| 7486 | rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined |
| 7487 | 5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country! I came back to England (after |
| 7488 | absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty! |
| 7489 | -- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the |
| 7490 | Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley, |
| 7491 | & left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing! Being now Lord of the Manor, I |
| 7492 | began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the |
| 7493 | Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before |
| 7494 | they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of |
| 7495 | Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of |
| 7496 | Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every |
| 7497 | week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my |
| 7498 | Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE! |
| 7499 | -- William Cobbett, British journalist |
| 7500 | % |
| 7501 | I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing |
| 7502 | Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?" |
| 7503 | I replied, "Simple shagging |
| 7504 | Without any wagging |
| 7505 | Is only for screwing canoeing." |
| 7506 | % |
| 7507 | "I do love a lay every day, |
| 7508 | So whenever you're coming this way |
| 7509 | Just phone in advance |
| 7510 | And I'll jerk off my pants, |
| 7511 | And we're set for a sexy soiree!" |
| 7512 | % |
| 7513 | I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof. |
| 7514 | % |
| 7515 | I don't discriminate on the basis of sex. |
| 7516 | -- Bisexuality, 101 |
| 7517 | |
| 7518 | [An equal opportunity lover? Ed.] |
| 7519 | % |
| 7520 | I don't drink water; fish fuck in it. |
| 7521 | -- W.C. Fields |
| 7522 | % |
| 7523 | I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let |
| 7524 | them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save |
| 7525 | the plan. |
| 7526 | -- Richard Nixon |
| 7527 | % |
| 7528 | I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the |
| 7529 | money and all the pussy. |
| 7530 | -- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab" |
| 7531 | % |
| 7532 | I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter. |
| 7533 | -- The Undergraduate |
| 7534 | % |
| 7535 | I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone |
| 7536 | I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win |
| 7537 | If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In |
| 7538 | Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal |
| 7539 | My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was |
| 7540 | Breaking My Heart |
| 7541 | Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer |
| 7542 | Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You |
| 7543 | When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living |
| 7544 | With You Is the Pits |
| 7545 | I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger |
| 7546 | -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" |
| 7547 | % |
| 7548 | "I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his |
| 7549 | marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed." |
| 7550 | % |
| 7551 | I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is |
| 7552 | one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy. |
| 7553 | % |
| 7554 | I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles. |
| 7555 | It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off. |
| 7556 | -- P.J. O'Rourke |
| 7557 | % |
| 7558 | I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her |
| 7559 | just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8". |
| 7560 | I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?" |
| 7561 | And she replied, "A Stetson." |
| 7562 | % |
| 7563 | "I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant," |
| 7564 | sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the |
| 7565 | cows came home." |
| 7566 | % |
| 7567 | I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about |
| 7568 | Italians -- they're so Jewish. |
| 7569 | -- Kay Ballard |
| 7570 | % |
| 7571 | I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... |
| 7572 | boy, were they mad! |
| 7573 | -- Stephen Wright |
| 7574 | % |
| 7575 | I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve |
| 7576 | years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled |
| 7577 | "Made in Taiwan". |
| 7578 | -- The Stunt Man |
| 7579 | % |
| 7580 | I have a funny daddy |
| 7581 | Who goes in and out with me |
| 7582 | And everything that baby does |
| 7583 | Daddy's sure to see, |
| 7584 | And everything that baby says, |
| 7585 | My daddy's sure to tell. |
| 7586 | You must have read my daddy's verse. |
| 7587 | I hope he fries in Hell. |
| 7588 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 7589 | % |
| 7590 | "I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls," |
| 7591 | the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for |
| 7592 | the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that |
| 7593 | it was enough to make a blown man cry." |
| 7594 | % |
| 7595 | I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable. |
| 7596 | -- Will Rogers |
| 7597 | % |
| 7598 | I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us |
| 7599 | take our fill of love until the morning. |
| 7600 | -- Proverbs 7:17-18 |
| 7601 | % |
| 7602 | I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days, |
| 7603 | but when I tried it I kept falling off. |
| 7604 | % |
| 7605 | I knew Leo G. Carrol |
| 7606 | Was over a barrel |
| 7607 | When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"] |
| 7608 | And I really got hot |
| 7609 | When I saw Jeanette Scott |
| 7610 | Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills. |
| 7611 | |
| 7612 | Science fiction, double feature |
| 7613 | Doctor X will build a creature. |
| 7614 | See androids fighting Brad and Janet |
| 7615 | Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet |
| 7616 | Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh |
| 7617 | At the late night, double feature, picture show. |
| 7618 | -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show |
| 7619 | % |
| 7620 | I know a Polack his name is Cliff, |
| 7621 | Hey-la-de-la-de-la. |
| 7622 | He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff, |
| 7623 | Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. |
| 7624 | |
| 7625 | I know a girl, her name is Serafina, |
| 7626 | Hey-la-de-la-de-la. |
| 7627 | She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina, |
| 7628 | Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. |
| 7629 | |
| 7630 | I know a girl, her name is Cuffy, |
| 7631 | Hey-la-de-la-de-la. |
| 7632 | She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy, |
| 7633 | Hey la-de-la-de-lo. |
| 7634 | -- Doctor Dirty |
| 7635 | % |
| 7636 | I know of a fortunate Hindu |
| 7637 | Who is sought in the towns that he's been to |
| 7638 | By the ladies he knows, |
| 7639 | Who are thrilled to the toes |
| 7640 | By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do. |
| 7641 | % |
| 7642 | I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend! |
| 7643 | Go release your bowels on some lesser personage! |
| 7644 | -- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead |
| 7645 | % |
| 7646 | I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust |
| 7647 | an Englishman in the dark. |
| 7648 | -- Duncan Spaeth |
| 7649 | % |
| 7650 | I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. |
| 7651 | % |
| 7652 | I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family |
| 7653 | is to bring a New Yorker home first. |
| 7654 | % |
| 7655 | I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position. |
| 7656 | % |
| 7657 | I met a young man in Chungking |
| 7658 | Who had a very long thing -- |
| 7659 | But you'll guess my surprise |
| 7660 | When I found that its size |
| 7661 | Just measured a third-finger ring! |
| 7662 | % |
| 7663 | I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come |
| 7664 | into my neighborhood after dark. |
| 7665 | -- Dick Gregory |
| 7666 | % |
| 7667 | I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought |
| 7668 | it was hell. |
| 7669 | -- Harry S. Truman |
| 7670 | % |
| 7671 | I never had Miss Defauw, |
| 7672 | But it wouldn't have been quite so raw |
| 7673 | If she'd only said "No" |
| 7674 | When I wanted her so; |
| 7675 | But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!" |
| 7676 | % |
| 7677 | I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty. |
| 7678 | % |
| 7679 | I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. |
| 7680 | -- Lyndon Baines Johnson |
| 7681 | % |
| 7682 | I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. |
| 7683 | -- Lyndon Johnson |
| 7684 | % |
| 7685 | I once had the wife of a Dean |
| 7686 | Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'. |
| 7687 | She remarked with some gaiety, |
| 7688 | "Not bad for the laiety, |
| 7689 | Though the Bishop once managed thirteen." |
| 7690 | % |
| 7691 | I once met a lassie named Ruth |
| 7692 | In a long distance telephone booth. |
| 7693 | Now I know the perfection |
| 7694 | Of an ideal connection |
| 7695 | Even if somewhat uncouth. |
| 7696 | % |
| 7697 | I once was annoyed by a queer |
| 7698 | Who made his intentions quite clear. |
| 7699 | Said I, "I'm no prude, |
| 7700 | So don't think me rude, |
| 7701 | But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." |
| 7702 | % |
| 7703 | I only date queers. |
| 7704 | -- Bisexuality, 101 |
| 7705 | |
| 7706 | [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.] |
| 7707 | % |
| 7708 | I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless |
| 7709 | bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed |
| 7710 | as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius. |
| 7711 | -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry |
| 7712 | % |
| 7713 | I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital |
| 7714 | intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. |
| 7715 | -- J. Edgar Hoover |
| 7716 | % |
| 7717 | I shot a query into the net. |
| 7718 | I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten |
| 7719 | But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten; |
| 7720 | And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please |
| 7721 | Don't send such drivel overseas; |
| 7722 | A lawyer sent me private mail |
| 7723 | And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax: |
| 7724 | I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!"; |
| 7725 | And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile |
| 7726 | And criticized my writing style. |
| 7727 | Each day I scan each Subject line |
| 7728 | In hopes the topic will be mine; |
| 7729 | I shot a query into the net. |
| 7730 | I haven't got an answer yet... |
| 7731 | -- Ed Nather |
| 7732 | % |
| 7733 | I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around |
| 7734 | with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine. |
| 7735 | -- Barry Goldwater |
| 7736 | |
| 7737 | I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. |
| 7738 | -- Barry Goldwater |
| 7739 | % |
| 7740 | I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. |
| 7741 | -- Barry Goldwater |
| 7742 | % |
| 7743 | I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass. |
| 7744 | -- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's |
| 7745 | suggestion that all good Christians should be against |
| 7746 | Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court |
| 7747 | % |
| 7748 | I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse |
| 7749 | than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa. |
| 7750 | -- Frank Zappa |
| 7751 | % |
| 7752 | I think the Mormon prophet |
| 7753 | Was a very funny man. |
| 7754 | I wonder how his wives enjoyed |
| 7755 | His Prophet Sharing Plan. |
| 7756 | % |
| 7757 | I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom. |
| 7758 | -- Strange de Jim |
| 7759 | % |
| 7760 | I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces. What a lot we |
| 7761 | had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized |
| 7762 | dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery |
| 7763 | from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle |
| 7764 | Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were |
| 7765 | with the faeces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for |
| 7766 | them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of |
| 7767 | an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets |
| 7768 | of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near |
| 7769 | to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? |
| 7770 | What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a |
| 7771 | Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, |
| 7772 | the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties |
| 7773 | of an Untenured Professor? |
| 7774 | -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" |
| 7775 | % |
| 7776 | I want a girl that can swallow my pride. |
| 7777 | -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess" |
| 7778 | % |
| 7779 | I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking. |
| 7780 | -- Dudley Moore |
| 7781 | % |
| 7782 | I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words. |
| 7783 | % |
| 7784 | I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. |
| 7785 | I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts. |
| 7786 | -- Firesign Theatre |
| 7787 | % |
| 7788 | I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up. |
| 7789 | % |
| 7790 | I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island |
| 7791 | by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me |
| 7792 | about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with. |
| 7793 | "See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my |
| 7794 | two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!" |
| 7795 | As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that |
| 7796 | dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!" |
| 7797 | As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See |
| 7798 | that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they |
| 7799 | call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!" |
| 7800 | % |
| 7801 | "I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear |
| 7802 | grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up |
| 7803 | and stuck it in my back." |
| 7804 | "What did you do?" |
| 7805 | "What *could* I do? I married his daughter." |
| 7806 | % |
| 7807 | I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played |
| 7808 | a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one |
| 7809 | of them had V.D. |
| 7810 | -- Rodney Dangerfield |
| 7811 | % |
| 7812 | I wish I was a fascinating lady |
| 7813 | With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady |
| 7814 | I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night |
| 7815 | I'd live in a house with a little red light |
| 7816 | And once a month I'd take a small vacation |
| 7817 | And leave all the men to their imagination |
| 7818 | And once in a while I'd go all wild |
| 7819 | And have myself an illegitimate child |
| 7820 | I wish I were a fascinating lady |
| 7821 | Instead I'm the minister's child |
| 7822 | % |
| 7823 | I wish that my room had a floor; |
| 7824 | I don't so much care for a door, |
| 7825 | But this walking around |
| 7826 | Without touching the ground |
| 7827 | Is getting to be quite a bore! |
| 7828 | -- Gelett Burgess |
| 7829 | % |
| 7830 | I wish that my room had a floor; |
| 7831 | I don't so much care for a door, |
| 7832 | But this walking around |
| 7833 | Without touching the ground |
| 7834 | Is getting to be quite a bore! |
| 7835 | -- Gelett Burgess |
| 7836 | % |
| 7837 | I wonder what my wife will want tonight; |
| 7838 | Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? |
| 7839 | I wonder can she tell |
| 7840 | That I've been raising hell; |
| 7841 | Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight? |
| 7842 | |
| 7843 | My wife is just as nice as can be, |
| 7844 | I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me. |
| 7845 | For an afternoon of joy, |
| 7846 | Is hell on the old boy, |
| 7847 | I wonder what the wife will want tonight! |
| 7848 | % |
| 7849 | I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, |
| 7850 | I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. |
| 7851 | She said it was crude |
| 7852 | To be wooed in the nude-- |
| 7853 | I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her! |
| 7854 | % |
| 7855 | I would like to say, Mister Bunce, |
| 7856 | I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts. |
| 7857 | And in all my lewd life |
| 7858 | I've met none like your wife, |
| 7859 | So why leave her to me, you big dunce? |
| 7860 | % |
| 7861 | I wouldn't fuck her with your prick. |
| 7862 | % |
| 7863 | I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of |
| 7864 | having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. |
| 7865 | -- R. Geis |
| 7866 | % |
| 7867 | I'd like to give the world a hug |
| 7868 | And tell it jokes and stuff |
| 7869 | And pull its pants down to its knees |
| 7870 | And chase it through the rough |
| 7871 | |
| 7872 | Then tie it up with bonds and straps |
| 7873 | And search its purse for change |
| 7874 | Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall |
| 7875 | With our cousin who's deranged ... |
| 7876 | -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial |
| 7877 | % |
| 7878 | I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. |
| 7879 | % |
| 7880 | "I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young |
| 7881 | man as its logo." |
| 7882 | -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" |
| 7883 | % |
| 7884 | I'd rather have fingers than toes, |
| 7885 | I'd rather have ears than a nose, |
| 7886 | And a happy erection |
| 7887 | Brought just to perfection |
| 7888 | Makes me terribly sad when it goes. |
| 7889 | % |
| 7890 | I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump. |
| 7891 | % |
| 7892 | If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, |
| 7893 | does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped? |
| 7894 | % |
| 7895 | If continence causes neurosis |
| 7896 | And intercourse causes thrombosis |
| 7897 | I'd rather expire |
| 7898 | Fulfilling desire |
| 7899 | Than live in a state of psychosis. |
| 7900 | % |
| 7901 | If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies? |
| 7902 | % |
| 7903 | If God doesn't destroy San Francisco, |
| 7904 | He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah. |
| 7905 | % |
| 7906 | If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white. |
| 7907 | % |
| 7908 | If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs. |
| 7909 | -- Malcolm Bradbury |
| 7910 | % |
| 7911 | If God had wanted people to give blow |
| 7912 | jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth. |
| 7913 | % |
| 7914 | If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, |
| 7915 | would He have made it look like a taco? |
| 7916 | % |
| 7917 | If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? |
| 7918 | % |
| 7919 | If I could reach, I'd never leave the house. |
| 7920 | -- George Carlin |
| 7921 | % |
| 7922 | If I had a penis I'd wear it outside, |
| 7923 | In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride. |
| 7924 | If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper |
| 7925 | I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper. |
| 7926 | If I had a penis I'd take it to parties |
| 7927 | Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties. |
| 7928 | I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay. |
| 7929 | I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day. |
| 7930 | |
| 7931 | I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts. |
| 7932 | I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts. |
| 7933 | I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet; |
| 7934 | I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it. |
| 7935 | If I had a penis I'd run to my mother; |
| 7936 | Comb out the hair and compare it to brother. |
| 7937 | I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge... |
| 7938 | Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge. |
| 7939 | [Chorus] |
| 7940 | A penis to plunder, a penis to push |
| 7941 | 'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush. |
| 7942 | A penis to love me, a penis to share, |
| 7943 | To pick up and play with when nobody's there. |
| 7944 | -- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy" |
| 7945 | % |
| 7946 | If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it. |
| 7947 | -- Tommy Earl Bruner |
| 7948 | % |
| 7949 | If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. |
| 7950 | -- Rodney Dangerfield |
| 7951 | % |
| 7952 | If it's not one thing, it's a mother. |
| 7953 | % |
| 7954 | If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible |
| 7955 | carpenter. |
| 7956 | -- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood |
| 7957 | % |
| 7958 | If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot |
| 7959 | to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think |
| 7960 | the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* |
| 7961 | pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get |
| 7962 | lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets |
| 7963 | lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and |
| 7964 | think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive |
| 7965 | Net Mail ... |
| 7966 | -- Casey Leedom |
| 7967 | % |
| 7968 | If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon. |
| 7969 | % |
| 7970 | If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. |
| 7971 | % |
| 7972 | If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads. |
| 7973 | % |
| 7974 | If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to |
| 7975 | masturbate. |
| 7976 | -- Diogenes the Cynic |
| 7977 | % |
| 7978 | If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country. |
| 7979 | -- Mel Brooks |
| 7980 | % |
| 7981 | If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong. |
| 7982 | % |
| 7983 | If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would |
| 7984 | suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is |
| 7985 | only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them |
| 7986 | in 1966, only two went back to women. |
| 7987 | -- Mort Sahl |
| 7988 | % |
| 7989 | If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em. |
| 7990 | If they can, then fuck 'em. |
| 7991 | % |
| 7992 | If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out. |
| 7993 | If thy dick offends thee, whack it off. |
| 7994 | % |
| 7995 | If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently? |
| 7996 | % |
| 7997 | If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs. |
| 7998 | % |
| 7999 | If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite. |
| 8000 | % |
| 8001 | If you find for your verse there's no call, |
| 8002 | And you can't afford paper at all, |
| 8003 | For the true poet born, |
| 8004 | However forlorn, |
| 8005 | There is always the lavat'ry wall. |
| 8006 | % |
| 8007 | If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish. |
| 8008 | -- Lenny Bruce |
| 8009 | % |
| 8010 | If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off? |
| 8011 | % |
| 8012 | If your thesis is utterly vacuous, |
| 8013 | Employ first-order predicate calculus. |
| 8014 | With sufficient formality, |
| 8015 | The sheerest banality, |
| 8016 | Will be hailed by all as miraculous! |
| 8017 | % |
| 8018 | If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic |
| 8019 | abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues). |
| 8020 | % |
| 8021 | If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small |
| 8022 | town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're |
| 8023 | screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning, |
| 8024 | ... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the |
| 8025 | night. |
| 8026 | -- Lenny Bruce |
| 8027 | % |
| 8028 | If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written |
| 8029 | in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing |
| 8030 | friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out |
| 8031 | like one or the other of you planned. |
| 8032 | % |
| 8033 | If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens |
| 8034 | when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin? |
| 8035 | % |
| 8036 | If you're speaking of actions immoral |
| 8037 | The how about giving the laurel |
| 8038 | To doughty Queen Esther, |
| 8039 | No three men could best her -- |
| 8040 | One fore, and one aft, and one oral. |
| 8041 | % |
| 8042 | Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse |
| 8043 | D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse; |
| 8044 | Il la mene chaque soir |
| 8045 | A son caveau noir |
| 8046 | Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses. |
| 8047 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 8048 | % |
| 8049 | Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon, |
| 8050 | Qui n'avait que peu de religion. |
| 8051 | Il dit:"quant a' moi, |
| 8052 | Je deteste tous les trois, |
| 8053 | Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-" |
| 8054 | % |
| 8055 | Il y avait un plombier, Francois, |
| 8056 | Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. |
| 8057 | Dit-elle, "Arretez! |
| 8058 | J'entends quelqu'un venait." |
| 8059 | Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi." |
| 8060 | % |
| 8061 | Il y avait une madame de Lahore |
| 8062 | Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure, |
| 8063 | Mais la vagine tres forte, |
| 8064 | Toujours ouverte la porte, |
| 8065 | Encore, et encore, et encore. |
| 8066 | % |
| 8067 | "I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't |
| 8068 | doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month. |
| 8069 | "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went |
| 8070 | out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she |
| 8071 | always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat |
| 8072 | down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the |
| 8073 | side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking |
| 8074 | aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll |
| 8075 | tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was |
| 8076 | gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!" |
| 8077 | % |
| 8078 | I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year. |
| 8079 | -- Rodney Dangerfield |
| 8080 | % |
| 8081 | I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body! |
| 8082 | -- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived |
| 8083 | % |
| 8084 | I'm a lover not a dancer! |
| 8085 | I'm a lover not a dancer! |
| 8086 | Don't want to be on my feet, |
| 8087 | When I can be on my back, |
| 8088 | Don't want to be on the floor, |
| 8089 | When I can be in the sack! |
| 8090 | I'm a lover not a dancer! |
| 8091 | I'm a lover not a dancer! |
| 8092 | I'm just a little bit tired |
| 8093 | If you know what I mean, |
| 8094 | Don't want to be in a crowd |
| 8095 | When I can be in a dream! |
| 8096 | I'm a lover not a dancer! |
| 8097 | Baby! |
| 8098 | And, baby, let me prove it to you, |
| 8099 | Baby, let me prove it to you! |
| 8100 | -- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants" |
| 8101 | % |
| 8102 | I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows. |
| 8103 | -- Martin Cruz Smith |
| 8104 | % |
| 8105 | I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade. |
| 8106 | -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees |
| 8107 | in the shade. |
| 8108 | |
| 8109 | Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is |
| 8110 | dropped. |
| 8111 | -- Franklyn Ajaye |
| 8112 | % |
| 8113 | I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, |
| 8114 | it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French |
| 8115 | government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. |
| 8116 | -- Groucho Marx |
| 8117 | % |
| 8118 | I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's |
| 8119 | goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps |
| 8120 | -- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are |
| 8121 | goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. |
| 8122 | Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are |
| 8123 | very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is |
| 8124 | very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them. |
| 8125 | -- Lenny Bruce |
| 8126 | % |
| 8127 | I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways. |
| 8128 | -- J.F. Kennedy |
| 8129 | % |
| 8130 | I'm not a pheasant plucker, |
| 8131 | I'm a pheasant plucker's son. |
| 8132 | I'm just a'plucking pheasants |
| 8133 | 'Til the pheasant plucker comes. |
| 8134 | -- The Irish Rovers |
| 8135 | % |
| 8136 | "I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway." |
| 8137 | -- NPR |
| 8138 | % |
| 8139 | I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front! |
| 8140 | -- Rodney Dangerfield's wife |
| 8141 | % |
| 8142 | I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here |
| 8143 | -- Song title by Stephen Bishop. |
| 8144 | |
| 8145 | She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft |
| 8146 | -- Song title by Jerry Reed. |
| 8147 | |
| 8148 | When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care? |
| 8149 | -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard. |
| 8150 | |
| 8151 | I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling |
| 8152 | -- Unattributed song title. |
| 8153 | |
| 8154 | Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life |
| 8155 | -- Unattributed song title. |
| 8156 | % |
| 8157 | I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my |
| 8158 | girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd |
| 8159 | like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!" |
| 8160 | -- Sam Kinison |
| 8161 | % |
| 8162 | I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans.... |
| 8163 | |
| 8164 | Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby, |
| 8165 | I'm getting WARM.... |
| 8166 | |
| 8167 | I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH! |
| 8168 | ...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!! |
| 8169 | |
| 8170 | Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time, |
| 8171 | couldn't you please input a little SLOWER? |
| 8172 | % |
| 8173 | Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable. |
| 8174 | Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table. |
| 8175 | David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel, |
| 8176 | And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel. |
| 8177 | There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist. |
| 8178 | Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed! |
| 8179 | |
| 8180 | John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, |
| 8181 | On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. |
| 8182 | Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day. |
| 8183 | Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, |
| 8184 | Hobbes was fond of his dram, |
| 8185 | And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am". |
| 8186 | Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; |
| 8187 | A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed! |
| 8188 | -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song" |
| 8189 | % |
| 8190 | impotent loser, n: |
| 8191 | Someone who can't even get his hopes up. |
| 8192 | % |
| 8193 | In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide |
| 8194 | what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home. |
| 8195 | Finally they decide: |
| 8196 | "Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us |
| 8197 | bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits... |
| 8198 | Finally a telegram comes back: |
| 8199 | "NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY" |
| 8200 | % |
| 8201 | In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay |
| 8202 | chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the |
| 8203 | principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been |
| 8204 | sucked into it. |
| 8205 | % |
| 8206 | In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh |
| 8207 | Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too. |
| 8208 | His wife said, "Oh, stuff |
| 8209 | That philosophy guff |
| 8210 | Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!" |
| 8211 | % |
| 8212 | In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray; |
| 8213 | Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow |
| 8214 | with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon |
| 8215 | Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for |
| 8216 | soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind... |
| 8217 | -- Firesign Theatre |
| 8218 | % |
| 8219 | In days of old, when knights were bold, |
| 8220 | And rubbers weren't invented, |
| 8221 | They tied their socks around their cocks |
| 8222 | And babies were prevented. |
| 8223 | % |
| 8224 | In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth, |
| 8225 | Who doesn't know gin from vermouth, |
| 8226 | But this lubricant lapse |
| 8227 | Isn't noticed, perhaps |
| 8228 | Because nobody does in Duluth. |
| 8229 | % |
| 8230 | In France they piss on Main Street |
| 8231 | (In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display). |
| 8232 | -- Joni Mitchell |
| 8233 | % |
| 8234 | In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of |
| 8235 | its magazine, for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold. |
| 8236 | % |
| 8237 | In my sweet little Alice Blue gown |
| 8238 | Was the first time I ever laid down, |
| 8239 | I was both proud and shy |
| 8240 | As he opened his fly |
| 8241 | And the moment I saw it I thought I would die. |
| 8242 | |
| 8243 | Oh it hung almost down to the ground, |
| 8244 | As it went in I made not a sound, |
| 8245 | The more that he shoved it |
| 8246 | The more that I loved it, |
| 8247 | As he came on my Alice Blue gown. |
| 8248 | % |
| 8249 | In my sweet little night gown of blue, |
| 8250 | On the first night that I slept with you, |
| 8251 | I was both shy and scared |
| 8252 | As the bed was prepared, |
| 8253 | And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue. |
| 8254 | |
| 8255 | As we both watched the break of day, |
| 8256 | And in peaceful submission I lay, |
| 8257 | You said you adored it |
| 8258 | But dammit, you tore it, |
| 8259 | My sweet little night gown of blue. |
| 8260 | % |
| 8261 | In outer space, nobody can hear you fart. |
| 8262 | % |
| 8263 | In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless |
| 8264 | he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client |
| 8265 | has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated |
| 8266 | that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time |
| 8267 | ago." |
| 8268 | -- Dennis Miller, SNL News |
| 8269 | % |
| 8270 | In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. |
| 8271 | And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto |
| 8272 | their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." |
| 8273 | |
| 8274 | And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, |
| 8275 | "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." |
| 8276 | Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, |
| 8277 | "It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none |
| 8278 | may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head |
| 8279 | spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel |
| 8280 | of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength." |
| 8281 | |
| 8282 | And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical |
| 8283 | Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is |
| 8284 | very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the |
| 8285 | Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the |
| 8286 | growth of the Laboratories." |
| 8287 | |
| 8288 | And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good! |
| 8289 | % |
| 8290 | In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their |
| 8291 | beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the |
| 8292 | evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all |
| 8293 | evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning |
| 8294 | the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her |
| 8295 | bed watching him. Finally, she said softly, |
| 8296 | "Didn't you forget something?" |
| 8297 | "What did I forget?" asked the officer. |
| 8298 | "You forgot about the money," said the lady. |
| 8299 | "Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention. |
| 8300 | "A Polish officer never accepts money." |
| 8301 | % |
| 8302 | In the shade of the old apple tree |
| 8303 | Where between her fat legs I could see |
| 8304 | A little brown spot |
| 8305 | With the hair in a knot, |
| 8306 | And it certainly looked good to me. |
| 8307 | |
| 8308 | I asked as I tickled her tit |
| 8309 | If she thought that my big thing would fit. |
| 8310 | She said it would do |
| 8311 | So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree |
| 8312 | In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me. |
| 8313 | In the soft dewy grass |
| 8314 | I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass |
| 8315 | As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see. |
| 8316 | Her ass it was fine |
| 8317 | But you should have seen mine |
| 8318 | In the shade of the old apple tree. |
| 8319 | % |
| 8320 | In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're |
| 8321 | kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's |
| 8322 | kissing him on the balls. |
| 8323 | -- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster |
| 8324 | % |
| 8325 | Incest, n: |
| 8326 | Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy. |
| 8327 | % |
| 8328 | Infatuation, n: |
| 8329 | When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat. |
| 8330 | When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants. |
| 8331 | % |
| 8332 | Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe |
| 8333 | is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. |
| 8334 | % |
| 8335 | ==================== |
| 8336 | Inter-Dwarf Memo |
| 8337 | To: Dwarf-list |
| 8338 | From: Doc |
| 8339 | Re: S. White |
| 8340 | |
| 8341 | If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill |
| 8342 | her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah, |
| 8343 | surprises. |
| 8344 | % |
| 8345 | ==================== |
| 8346 | Inter-Dwarf Memo |
| 8347 | To: Dwarf-list |
| 8348 | From: Happy |
| 8349 | Re: S. White |
| 8350 | |
| 8351 | Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one |
| 8352 | more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day. |
| 8353 | % |
| 8354 | Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since |
| 8355 | the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of |
| 8356 | cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him |
| 8357 | a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it." |
| 8358 | Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him. |
| 8359 | When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came |
| 8360 | in second," Palmer replied. |
| 8361 | "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?" |
| 8362 | "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did." |
| 8363 | % |
| 8364 | It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be |
| 8365 | classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". |
| 8366 | % |
| 8367 | It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and |
| 8368 | it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight |
| 8369 | into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. |
| 8370 | -- Voltaire |
| 8371 | % |
| 8372 | It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all. |
| 8373 | % |
| 8374 | It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus. |
| 8375 | % |
| 8376 | It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the |
| 8377 | general and lust for its destruction in the particular. |
| 8378 | % |
| 8379 | It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet. |
| 8380 | % |
| 8381 | It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. |
| 8382 | Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other |
| 8383 | half are doing it. |
| 8384 | -- Winston Churchill |
| 8385 | % |
| 8386 | It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one |
| 8387 | damn thing over and over. |
| 8388 | -- Edna St. Vincent Millay |
| 8389 | % |
| 8390 | It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning. |
| 8391 | You never know who you'll meet later in the day. |
| 8392 | % |
| 8393 | It is one of the superstitions of the human mind |
| 8394 | to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. |
| 8395 | -- Voltaire |
| 8396 | % |
| 8397 | It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that |
| 8398 | could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, |
| 8399 | broad-hipped, and short-legged race. |
| 8400 | -- Schopenhauer |
| 8401 | % |
| 8402 | It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the |
| 8403 | war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by |
| 8404 | teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse |
| 8405 | to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes |
| 8406 | mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that |
| 8407 | the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which |
| 8408 | means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine |
| 8409 | of a diabetic ..." |
| 8410 | By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the |
| 8411 | registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored |
| 8412 | fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then |
| 8413 | startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his |
| 8414 | finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed |
| 8415 | his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample |
| 8416 | was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, |
| 8417 | all of us foolishly licked that finger. |
| 8418 | "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first |
| 8419 | principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. |
| 8420 | We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some |
| 8421 | anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said |
| 8422 | continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but |
| 8423 | licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps. |
| 8424 | % |
| 8425 | It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because |
| 8426 | if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still. |
| 8427 | Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female, |
| 8428 | but there's just no way for us to know it. |
| 8429 | -- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep. |
| 8430 | % |
| 8431 | It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing! |
| 8432 | % |
| 8433 | It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a |
| 8434 | very unfortunate place to have it. |
| 8435 | -- Malcolm Muggeridge |
| 8436 | % |
| 8437 | It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one |
| 8438 | sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle |
| 8439 | of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that |
| 8440 | "nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In |
| 8441 | a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in. |
| 8442 | The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention |
| 8443 | the apparent miracle. |
| 8444 | A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a |
| 8445 | moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes |
| 8446 | later came back. |
| 8447 | By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his |
| 8448 | beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian |
| 8449 | teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST |
| 8450 | AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything |
| 8451 | they could do, with God's help, he could do as well. |
| 8452 | The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to |
| 8453 | shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the |
| 8454 | lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to |
| 8455 | the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the |
| 8456 | rocks are?" |
| 8457 | % |
| 8458 | It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar. The Scot |
| 8459 | immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were |
| 8460 | on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best. The next |
| 8461 | day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar. |
| 8462 | % |
| 8463 | It seems that John gets this phone call: |
| 8464 | "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end of the line |
| 8465 | is hard and cold. |
| 8466 | "This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months |
| 8467 | ago. |
| 8468 | "Of course, Susan!", John replies. "How are you?" |
| 8469 | "Not very well. Remember how after the party you took me home and |
| 8470 | we parked? And you told me that I was a 'good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant |
| 8471 | and I'm going to kill myself tonight." |
| 8472 | John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. "Well," |
| 8473 | he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport." |
| 8474 | % |
| 8475 | It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He |
| 8476 | was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being |
| 8477 | a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for |
| 8478 | forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded |
| 8479 | from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop |
| 8480 | but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the |
| 8481 | Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena, |
| 8482 | the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between |
| 8483 | gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could |
| 8484 | even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he |
| 8485 | pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him, |
| 8486 | he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith, |
| 8487 | forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the |
| 8488 | lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him. |
| 8489 | Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled |
| 8490 | upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so |
| 8491 | the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying. |
| 8492 | "Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..." |
| 8493 | % |
| 8494 | It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes. |
| 8495 | Especially in a paternity hearing. |
| 8496 | % |
| 8497 | It takes leather balls to play rugby. |
| 8498 | (Blood makes the grass grow!) |
| 8499 | % |
| 8500 | It takes little strain and no art |
| 8501 | To bang out an echoing fart. |
| 8502 | The reaction is hearty |
| 8503 | When you fart at a party, |
| 8504 | But the sensitive persons depart. |
| 8505 | % |
| 8506 | It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home. |
| 8507 | They can kiss that shit goodbye. |
| 8508 | % |
| 8509 | It was a female that drove me to drink |
| 8510 | and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her. |
| 8511 | -- R.E. Baber |
| 8512 | % |
| 8513 | It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. |
| 8514 | They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and |
| 8515 | the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting |
| 8516 | excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse |
| 8517 | off and we'll see what he does?" |
| 8518 | At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took |
| 8519 | off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and |
| 8520 | jumping up and down. |
| 8521 | "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all |
| 8522 | your clothes and we'll see what he does." |
| 8523 | Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape |
| 8524 | really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around |
| 8525 | in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to |
| 8526 | the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. |
| 8527 | "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!" |
| 8528 | % |
| 8529 | It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the |
| 8530 | frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the |
| 8531 | bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me." |
| 8532 | "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender |
| 8533 | answered sternly. |
| 8534 | "OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments." |
| 8535 | The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman |
| 8536 | at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would |
| 8537 | you like?" |
| 8538 | "Vinegar and water." |
| 8539 | % |
| 8540 | It was April the 41st, |
| 8541 | Being a quadruple leap year. |
| 8542 | I was driving in down-town Atlantis. |
| 8543 | My Barracuda was in the shop, |
| 8544 | So I was in a rented stingray |
| 8545 | -- and it was over-heating. |
| 8546 | So, I pulled into a Shell station. |
| 8547 | They said I'd blown a seal. |
| 8548 | I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private |
| 8549 | life out of it, okay pal?" |
| 8550 | -- Wet Dreams |
| 8551 | % |
| 8552 | It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had |
| 8553 | gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag |
| 8554 | line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself. |
| 8555 | Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't |
| 8556 | they beautiful?" |
| 8557 | "Just fair," was the answer. |
| 8558 | "You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another, |
| 8559 | asked his opinion. |
| 8560 | "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited |
| 8561 | about." |
| 8562 | "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now |
| 8563 | you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?" |
| 8564 | "To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs; |
| 8565 | I'm a tit mouse myself." |
| 8566 | % |
| 8567 | It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze. |
| 8568 | "Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful |
| 8569 | dream!" |
| 8570 | Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again |
| 8571 | and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true." |
| 8572 | Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another |
| 8573 | sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your |
| 8574 | wife." |
| 8575 | "Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied, |
| 8576 | you will!" |
| 8577 | % |
| 8578 | It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on |
| 8579 | their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." |
| 8580 | "Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been |
| 8581 | married three times." |
| 8582 | "Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman, |
| 8583 | and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one |
| 8584 | of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the |
| 8585 | third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it |
| 8586 | would be up in 15 minutes. |
| 8587 | % |
| 8588 | It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday |
| 8589 | trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's |
| 8590 | knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated |
| 8591 | in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book. |
| 8592 | Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on |
| 8593 | the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap. |
| 8594 | "Tell us a story," begged Mary. |
| 8595 | "Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping |
| 8596 | her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?" |
| 8597 | "Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly. |
| 8598 | "About the time you were a hooker in Chicago." |
| 8599 | % |
| 8600 | It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up |
| 8601 | not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or |
| 8602 | written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems |
| 8603 | a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was |
| 8604 | the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found |
| 8605 | myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life -- |
| 8606 | my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing |
| 8607 | where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there |
| 8608 | was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us |
| 8609 | our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an |
| 8610 | oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I |
| 8611 | would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of |
| 8612 | her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese |
| 8613 | don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say, |
| 8614 | because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the |
| 8615 | good things in your life. |
| 8616 | -- Stephen King, "The Body" |
| 8617 | % |
| 8618 | It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman |
| 8619 | was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking |
| 8620 | upperclassman, he inquired, |
| 8621 | "Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?" |
| 8622 | "My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our |
| 8623 | sentences with a preposition." |
| 8624 | "All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library |
| 8625 | is at, asshole?" |
| 8626 | % |
| 8627 | It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a |
| 8628 | huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous. At lights-out, the inmate |
| 8629 | jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to |
| 8630 | have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?" |
| 8631 | A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess |
| 8632 | I'll be the Daddy." |
| 8633 | "OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!" |
| 8634 | % |
| 8635 | It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know |
| 8636 | what I mean. |
| 8637 | -- David Crosby |
| 8638 | % |
| 8639 | It's a bitch being butch. |
| 8640 | % |
| 8641 | It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything |
| 8642 | on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married. |
| 8643 | % |
| 8644 | It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple. |
| 8645 | I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth. |
| 8646 | -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal |
| 8647 | of older women versus younger women |
| 8648 | % |
| 8649 | "It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning |
| 8650 | in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so |
| 8651 | soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!" |
| 8652 | % |
| 8653 | It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up. |
| 8654 | -- Joan Rivers |
| 8655 | % |
| 8656 | It's better to be pissed off than pissed on. |
| 8657 | % |
| 8658 | It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying. |
| 8659 | % |
| 8660 | It's midnight. The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his |
| 8661 | 20-year-old son comes in. |
| 8662 | |
| 8663 | "Whatta you mean? You staya out alla night, you runna around widda |
| 8664 | bums. Whatta you trying to do?" |
| 8665 | "Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy. |
| 8666 | "Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that? You no work, you |
| 8667 | chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?" |
| 8668 | "Papa, *please* don't talk like that." |
| 8669 | "Don'ta talka like that? Whatta you mean? Why shouldn't I talka |
| 8670 | likka that?" |
| 8671 | "Papa, we're not Italian." |
| 8672 | % |
| 8673 | It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame. |
| 8674 | -- Sean O'Huiginn |
| 8675 | % |
| 8676 | It's not pretty being easy. |
| 8677 | % |
| 8678 | It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs. |
| 8679 | % |
| 8680 | It's so fuckin' great to be alive! |
| 8681 | % |
| 8682 | It's the sighs that count. |
| 8683 | % |
| 8684 | I've been feeling kind of jealous, |
| 8685 | Of all them well-hung fellas, |
| 8686 | Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one, |
| 8687 | Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun, |
| 8688 | I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock. |
| 8689 | If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon, |
| 8690 | They would turn on to my hardon -- |
| 8691 | If I only had a cock. |
| 8692 | Oh, I can tell you now, |
| 8693 | The number of times I'd score, |
| 8694 | I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife, |
| 8695 | I never have before, Living a little mouse-life |
| 8696 | And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long. |
| 8697 | And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry |
| 8698 | Life would be a ding-a-derry |
| 8699 | If I only had a dong! |
| 8700 | -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz |
| 8701 | % |
| 8702 | I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something |
| 8703 | on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights |
| 8704 | were more than enough. |
| 8705 | % |
| 8706 | I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year; |
| 8707 | and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me |
| 8708 | to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the |
| 8709 | gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here. |
| 8710 | The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with |
| 8711 | the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight |
| 8712 | maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing |
| 8713 | weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The |
| 8714 | four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge |
| 8715 | in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs. |
| 8716 | Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves |
| 8717 | have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled |
| 8718 | Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can. |
| 8719 | Sincerely, |
| 8720 | Santa |
| 8721 | % |
| 8722 | I've finally found the perfect girl, |
| 8723 | I couldn't ask for more, |
| 8724 | She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed, |
| 8725 | And owns a liquor store. |
| 8726 | % |
| 8727 | I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket. |
| 8728 | -- Lyndon B. Johnson |
| 8729 | |
| 8730 | Don't see 'em this big out here, do they? |
| 8731 | -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a |
| 8732 | public toilet during a tour of the Far East |
| 8733 | % |
| 8734 | Jack an Jill went up the hill. |
| 8735 | Jill went down, |
| 8736 | Jack came. |
| 8737 | % |
| 8738 | Jack and Jill went up a hill |
| 8739 | To fetch a pail of water. |
| 8740 | Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill |
| 8741 | And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her, |
| 8742 | Then went down and told the town |
| 8743 | He tumbled Jill and gaffed her. |
| 8744 | Jack to Jill thus did such ill |
| 8745 | That Jill, to pay the rotter, |
| 8746 | Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill |
| 8747 | When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter. |
| 8748 | Half the town deals Jill a frown |
| 8749 | And half greets Jack with laughter. |
| 8750 | % |
| 8751 | Jack and Jill went up the hill |
| 8752 | Each had a buck and a quarter. |
| 8753 | Jill came down with two and a half -- |
| 8754 | And you thought that they went for water. |
| 8755 | % |
| 8756 | Jack and Jill |
| 8757 | Went up the hill, |
| 8758 | Each had a buck and a quarter! |
| 8759 | Jill came down, |
| 8760 | With two and a half, |
| 8761 | You think they went for water? |
| 8762 | % |
| 8763 | Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. |
| 8764 | Jack jumped over the candle stick, |
| 8765 | And burnt his balls. |
| 8766 | % |
| 8767 | Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, |
| 8768 | Jack jumped over the candle stick. |
| 8769 | But Jack wasn't so nimble, |
| 8770 | Jack wasn't so quick, |
| 8771 | So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick! |
| 8772 | % |
| 8773 | Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet! |
| 8774 | % |
| 8775 | Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time. |
| 8776 | % |
| 8777 | Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death |
| 8778 | and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one |
| 8779 | among you who is without sin cast the first stone..." |
| 8780 | Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits |
| 8781 | Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon! |
| 8782 | I'm trying to make a point, here!" |
| 8783 | % |
| 8784 | Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork. |
| 8785 | % |
| 8786 | Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. |
| 8787 | -- Michael O'Donohugh |
| 8788 | % |
| 8789 | Jesus Never Fails |
| 8790 | |
| 8791 | (He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.) |
| 8792 | % |
| 8793 | Jesus Saves! |
| 8794 | |
| 8795 | (And Esposito scores on the rebound!) |
| 8796 | % |
| 8797 | Jesus Saves, |
| 8798 | Moses Invests, |
| 8799 | But only Buddha pays Dividends. |
| 8800 | % |
| 8801 | Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. |
| 8802 | % |
| 8803 | Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food. |
| 8804 | -- From the movie "My Favorite Year". |
| 8805 | % |
| 8806 | Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were |
| 8807 | on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink. |
| 8808 | "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the |
| 8809 | women and children aboard the lifeboats first." |
| 8810 | "Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted. |
| 8811 | "Do we have time?" Hart asked. |
| 8812 | "Do we have time?" Biden asked. |
| 8813 | "Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked. |
| 8814 | % |
| 8815 | Joan of Arc is alive and medium well. |
| 8816 | % |
| 8817 | John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing |
| 8818 | his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark: |
| 8819 | "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on |
| 8820 | the women!" |
| 8821 | % |
| 8822 | Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics: |
| 8823 | Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull |
| 8824 | over to the side of the road. |
| 8825 | % |
| 8826 | Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get |
| 8827 | a prompt, type like hell. |
| 8828 | % |
| 8829 | Just go with the flow control, roll with the |
| 8830 | crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. |
| 8831 | % |
| 8832 | Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of |
| 8833 | blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys |
| 8834 | like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky |
| 8835 | or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ |
| 8836 | came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the |
| 8837 | nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get |
| 8838 | crucified in the morning. |
| 8839 | -- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull |
| 8840 | % |
| 8841 | Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep |
| 8842 | are scared and the women are grateful. |
| 8843 | % |
| 8844 | kasha, n: |
| 8845 | Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one |
| 8846 | problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? |
| 8847 | I know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you |
| 8848 | much. |
| 8849 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
| 8850 | % |
| 8851 | Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: |
| 8852 | Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex |
| 8853 | for the students, and parking for the faculty. |
| 8854 | % |
| 8855 | King Louis gave a lesson in class, |
| 8856 | One time while enjoying a lass. |
| 8857 | When she used the word "Damn" |
| 8858 | He rebuked her: "Please ma'am, |
| 8859 | Keep a more civil tongue in my ass." |
| 8860 | % |
| 8861 | Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are |
| 8862 | sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As |
| 8863 | for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right. |
| 8864 | -- Margaret Sangor |
| 8865 | % |
| 8866 | Kitten with a whip, Teddy bear in chains, Puss in leather boots, |
| 8867 | tail, swish swish, spread on a bed; rising thigh high; |
| 8868 | take what you will, fantasy games, black rubber suits; |
| 8869 | get what you wish. deep in your head. making him cry. |
| 8870 | |
| 8871 | Squirm from the blows, Now pussy's all hot, Teddy bear sighs; |
| 8872 | writhe from the pain; from the power trip; kitty's on top; |
| 8873 | but teddy bear knows, ready or not, there's fire in her eyes, |
| 8874 | that he wants it again. next swing's from and the cat won't stop. |
| 8875 | the hip. |
| 8876 | |
| 8877 | The world explodes, Teddy's still tied; Kitten with a whip, |
| 8878 | her claws dig in; lying all alone; tail, swish swish, |
| 8879 | then kitty cat goes, even if he tried, take what you will, |
| 8880 | cause she's through he couldn't go home. get what you wish. |
| 8881 | with him. |
| 8882 | -- Kitten With A Whip |
| 8883 | % |
| 8884 | Knowledge Engineering: |
| 8885 | |
| 8886 | A combination of: |
| 8887 | |
| 8888 | Engineering, n: |
| 8889 | The application of science and mathematics by which the properties |
| 8890 | of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in |
| 8891 | structures, machines, products, systems and processes. |
| 8892 | |
| 8893 | and |
| 8894 | |
| 8895 | Knowledge, n: |
| 8896 | Sexual intercourse. |
| 8897 | |
| 8898 | See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship. |
| 8899 | % |
| 8900 | Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating |
| 8901 | fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects: dozens of |
| 8902 | species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not quantify, control, |
| 8903 | or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature individually, then |
| 8904 | threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre |
| 8905 | in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest in one of ethology's |
| 8906 | most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning, |
| 8907 | such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before |
| 8908 | flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had trained a free-flying |
| 8909 | raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several |
| 8910 | hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of |
| 8911 | meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill. By and by, Lorenz |
| 8912 | went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven saw him put his hand |
| 8913 | into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily |
| 8914 | grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled in pain. But the event |
| 8915 | left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to |
| 8916 | intention movements, that is. |
| 8917 | -- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science. |
| 8918 | % |
| 8919 | Kotex, n: |
| 8920 | Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best. |
| 8921 | % |
| 8922 | Kumquat, n: |
| 8923 | Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and |
| 8924 | somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves. |
| 8925 | Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact, |
| 8926 | an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment |
| 8927 | sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat" |
| 8928 | during orgasm. |
| 8929 | |
| 8930 | Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your |
| 8931 | partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake. |
| 8932 | % |
| 8933 | Labia majora, n: |
| 8934 | The curly gates. |
| 8935 | % |
| 8936 | Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!" |
| 8937 | Pro: "Ummm, well, where?" |
| 8938 | Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes." |
| 8939 | Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat." |
| 8940 | % |
| 8941 | lagnaf, n: |
| 8942 | Let's All Get Naked And Fuck! |
| 8943 | % |
| 8944 | Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. |
| 8945 | % |
| 8946 | "Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, |
| 8947 | "In a long-distance telephone booth, |
| 8948 | I enjoyed the perfection |
| 8949 | Of an ideal connection -- |
| 8950 | I was screwed, if you must know the truth." |
| 8951 | % |
| 8952 | Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe. |
| 8953 | % |
| 8954 | lawyer, n: |
| 8955 | Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too |
| 8956 | closely." |
| 8957 | % |
| 8958 | Lawyers do it to everyone. |
| 8959 | % |
| 8960 | Left a good broad by the river, |
| 8961 | Traveled back into town just to get some rest! |
| 8962 | Waited for 10 hours, |
| 8963 | Went back to the river, |
| 8964 | But I couldn't get her out of that mess! |
| 8965 | |
| 8966 | chorus: |
| 8967 | Poor Mary Jo Kopechne, |
| 8968 | Dead Mary Jo Kopechne, |
| 8969 | Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window! |
| 8970 | |
| 8971 | If you're gonna run for office, |
| 8972 | And you know that it's an election year. |
| 8973 | Don't go in the river, |
| 8974 | 'Specially by way of bridges, |
| 8975 | It could put an end to your political career! |
| 8976 | (chorus) |
| 8977 | -- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary" |
| 8978 | % |
| 8979 | "Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million black |
| 8980 | people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything |
| 8981 | to you?" |
| 8982 | -- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime |
| 8983 | Minister Botha of South Africa. |
| 8984 | % |
| 8985 | Les salons de la ville de Trieste |
| 8986 | Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes; |
| 8987 | Parmi les grandes chaises |
| 8988 | On cause des malaises, |
| 8989 | Des estropiements, et des pestes. |
| 8990 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 8991 | % |
| 8992 | Let a Field Service Engineer put it in. |
| 8993 | % |
| 8994 | Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been |
| 8995 | disqualified from entering. |
| 8996 | Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?" |
| 8997 | "Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered. |
| 8998 | "I never did that," Liberace replied. "Can't you check your records? |
| 8999 | They *must* be wrong!" |
| 9000 | "It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse |
| 9001 | parakeet with black trim." |
| 9002 | "Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace |
| 9003 | replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..." |
| 9004 | % |
| 9005 | LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) |
| 9006 | You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with |
| 9007 | reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for |
| 9008 | employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are |
| 9009 | prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease. |
| 9010 | % |
| 9011 | Lick-a-dee-clit! |
| 9012 | % |
| 9013 | Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute. |
| 9014 | % |
| 9015 | Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite. |
| 9016 | It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ... |
| 9017 | % |
| 9018 | Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't. |
| 9019 | -- Rodney Dangerfield |
| 9020 | % |
| 9021 | Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's |
| 9022 | in your hand, the next it's up your ass. |
| 9023 | % |
| 9024 | Life is like a penis: when it's soft you |
| 9025 | can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked. |
| 9026 | % |
| 9027 | Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread |
| 9028 | you have, the less shit you have to eat. |
| 9029 | % |
| 9030 | Life is not a cabaret. |
| 9031 | It's a fucking circus. |
| 9032 | % |
| 9033 | Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy. |
| 9034 | % |
| 9035 | Like private parts to the Gods are we, |
| 9036 | they play with us for their sport. |
| 9037 | -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2) |
| 9038 | % |
| 9039 | Limericks are art forms complex, |
| 9040 | Their topics run chiefly to sex. |
| 9041 | They usually have virgins, |
| 9042 | And masculine urgin's, |
| 9043 | And other erotic effects. |
| 9044 | % |
| 9045 | Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you, |
| 9046 | Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue. |
| 9047 | Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through, |
| 9048 | 'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you. |
| 9049 | -- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar" |
| 9050 | % |
| 9051 | Lisp hackers |
| 9052 | ... do it in CARS. |
| 9053 | ... do it with tail recursion. |
| 9054 | ... first do it in the front, then do it in the back. |
| 9055 | ... have DEFUN while doing it. |
| 9056 | ... have to be bound to do it. |
| 9057 | ... have Moby dicks. |
| 9058 | % |
| 9059 | Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... |
| 9060 | % |
| 9061 | Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper. |
| 9062 | % |
| 9063 | Little Boy Blew... he needed the money. |
| 9064 | % |
| 9065 | LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the |
| 9066 | 'little death' of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The |
| 9067 | experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner |
| 9068 | cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept |
| 9069 | with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that." |
| 9070 | By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause |
| 9071 | for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter, |
| 9072 | or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along |
| 9073 | with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their |
| 9074 | eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony |
| 9075 | to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the |
| 9076 | intensity of feeling, nor it upon them. |
| 9077 | -- The Joy of Sex |
| 9078 | % |
| 9079 | Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother |
| 9080 | told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra |
| 9081 | hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next |
| 9082 | morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard |
| 9083 | the night before. |
| 9084 | "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!" |
| 9085 | "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that |
| 9086 | your prayers have been answered." |
| 9087 | Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, |
| 9088 | "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!" |
| 9089 | "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool." |
| 9090 | % |
| 9091 | Little Johnny with a grin, |
| 9092 | Drank up all of daddy's gin, |
| 9093 | Mother said, when he was plastered, |
| 9094 | Go to bed, you little love-child. |
| 9095 | % |
| 9096 | Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the |
| 9097 | 1950's were uttered by June Cleaver. |
| 9098 | "Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?" |
| 9099 | % |
| 9100 | Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, |
| 9101 | Eating her curds and whey. |
| 9102 | Along came a spider, |
| 9103 | And bit her right in the snatch. |
| 9104 | % |
| 9105 | Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, |
| 9106 | Eating her curds and whey. |
| 9107 | Along came a spider, |
| 9108 | Who sat down beside her, |
| 9109 | And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?" |
| 9110 | % |
| 9111 | Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, |
| 9112 | Her knickers all tattered and torn. |
| 9113 | For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her, |
| 9114 | But Little Boy Blue with his horn! |
| 9115 | % |
| 9116 | Little Miss Muffet, |
| 9117 | Sat on her tuffet, |
| 9118 | Smoking some THC. |
| 9119 | Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her |
| 9120 | And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!" |
| 9121 | % |
| 9122 | Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit |
| 9123 | her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. |
| 9124 | "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you." |
| 9125 | "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, |
| 9126 | "Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?" |
| 9127 | % |
| 9128 | Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies. |
| 9129 | When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife |
| 9130 | raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his |
| 9131 | distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only |
| 9132 | stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a |
| 9133 | black hat and a red neckerchief. |
| 9134 | The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian. |
| 9135 | He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after |
| 9136 | dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but |
| 9137 | had just departed; usually after some heinous crime. |
| 9138 | One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his |
| 9139 | horse, and entered the saloon. At a table in the corner sat an ugly man, |
| 9140 | with a black hat and a red neckerchief! Slowly the cowboy stalked up to |
| 9141 | this man, his hands resting upon his guns. |
| 9142 | "Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my |
| 9143 | house and rustled my cattle?" |
| 9144 | "Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit. |
| 9145 | "You better cut that shit out!" |
| 9146 | % |
| 9147 | Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave. |
| 9148 | -- Louis B. Mayer |
| 9149 | |
| 9150 | The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral |
| 9151 | was because they wanted to make sure he was dead. |
| 9152 | -- Samuel Goldwyn |
| 9153 | % |
| 9154 | Love comes in spurts. |
| 9155 | % |
| 9156 | Love comes in spurts. |
| 9157 | --Devo, "Please Please" |
| 9158 | % |
| 9159 | Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam. |
| 9160 | -- James Thurber |
| 9161 | % |
| 9162 | Love is eating her even when she's not having her period. |
| 9163 | % |
| 9164 | Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever. |
| 9165 | % |
| 9166 | Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant |
| 9167 | twang of a bedspring. |
| 9168 | -- S.J. Perelman |
| 9169 | % |
| 9170 | Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds. |
| 9171 | -- Johnny Rotten |
| 9172 | % |
| 9173 | Love letters no longer they write us, |
| 9174 | To their homes they so seldom invite us. |
| 9175 | It grieves me to say, |
| 9176 | They have learned with dismay, |
| 9177 | We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'. |
| 9178 | % |
| 9179 | Luser, n: |
| 9180 | Someone who picks up a female |
| 9181 | hitch-hiker walking home from a date. |
| 9182 | % |
| 9183 | Ma Bell runs a baudy house. |
| 9184 | % |
| 9185 | Macho, adj: |
| 9186 | Jogging home from a vasectomy. |
| 9187 | % |
| 9188 | Male, n: |
| 9189 | Life support system for a cock. |
| 9190 | % |
| 9191 | Man in stall: |
| 9192 | Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there? |
| 9193 | Man at sink: |
| 9194 | No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in |
| 9195 | any of the other stalls either. |
| 9196 | A minute passes. |
| 9197 | Man in stall: |
| 9198 | Say, buddy? |
| 9199 | Man at sink: |
| 9200 | Yeah? |
| 9201 | Man in stall: |
| 9202 | You got change for a ten? |
| 9203 | % |
| 9204 | Man who dance in crowded ballroom |
| 9205 | dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him. |
| 9206 | % |
| 9207 | Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up. |
| 9208 | % |
| 9209 | Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent, |
| 9210 | Some say not even indecent. |
| 9211 | But if you lust, |
| 9212 | It's a must! |
| 9213 | % |
| 9214 | Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity. |
| 9215 | % |
| 9216 | Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but |
| 9217 | because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the |
| 9218 | satisfaction of his death. |
| 9219 | -- Brendan Francis |
| 9220 | % |
| 9221 | Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would |
| 9222 | not have chosen a suit by it. |
| 9223 | -- Maurice Chevalier |
| 9224 | % |
| 9225 | Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the |
| 9226 | whole girl. |
| 9227 | -- Stephen Leacock |
| 9228 | % |
| 9229 | Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with |
| 9230 | a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise. |
| 9231 | % |
| 9232 | Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God |
| 9233 | is a cruel and capricious tyrant. |
| 9234 | -- Edward Gibbon |
| 9235 | % |
| 9236 | Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. |
| 9237 | But she can never catch him at it. |
| 9238 | % |
| 9239 | Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced. |
| 9240 | % |
| 9241 | Many nice things suck. |
| 9242 | % |
| 9243 | Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff |
| 9244 | at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it. |
| 9245 | -- Billy Carter |
| 9246 | % |
| 9247 | Marlene wanted Joy to relent, |
| 9248 | She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent. |
| 9249 | If you want to get laid, |
| 9250 | Then we'll have to tribade!" |
| 9251 | (But Joy didn't know what she meant.) |
| 9252 | % |
| 9253 | Marriage has driven more than one man to sex. |
| 9254 | -- Peter De Vries |
| 9255 | % |
| 9256 | Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, |
| 9257 | you lose interest. |
| 9258 | -- Professor Irwin Corey |
| 9259 | % |
| 9260 | Mary had a little lamb, |
| 9261 | It's fleece as white as snow. |
| 9262 | It followed her to school one day, |
| 9263 | And got fucked by a big black dog. |
| 9264 | % |
| 9265 | Mary had a little lamb, |
| 9266 | She kept it in a bucket. |
| 9267 | And every time she let it out, |
| 9268 | The bulldog used to |
| 9269 | Chase it around the garden. |
| 9270 | % |
| 9271 | Mary had a little lamb, |
| 9272 | The lamb turned out to be a ram, |
| 9273 | Now Mary has a little lamb. |
| 9274 | % |
| 9275 | Mary had a little sheep, |
| 9276 | And with the sheep she went to sleep, |
| 9277 | The sheep turned out to be a ram, |
| 9278 | And Mary had a little lamb. |
| 9279 | % |
| 9280 | Mary had a little watch; |
| 9281 | She swallowed it one day. |
| 9282 | And so she took some Ex-Lax |
| 9283 | To pass the time away. |
| 9284 | |
| 9285 | But when she took the Ex-Lax |
| 9286 | The time it did not pass. |
| 9287 | So when you want to know the time, |
| 9288 | Just look up Mary's ... |
| 9289 | Uncle, he has a watch, too. |
| 9290 | % |
| 9291 | Masturbation! The amazing availability of it! |
| 9292 | -- James Joyce |
| 9293 | % |
| 9294 | masturbation, n: |
| 9295 | A self-service elevator. |
| 9296 | % |
| 9297 | masturbation, n: |
| 9298 | Coming unscrewed. |
| 9299 | % |
| 9300 | Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex. |
| 9301 | % |
| 9302 | Mathematicians |
| 9303 | ... do it in groups. |
| 9304 | ... do it in theory. |
| 9305 | ... take it to the limit. |
| 9306 | % |
| 9307 | Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part. |
| 9308 | % |
| 9309 | Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is |
| 9310 | described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play. |
| 9311 | -- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time" |
| 9312 | % |
| 9313 | May a deranged midget on a pogo stick |
| 9314 | take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt. |
| 9315 | % |
| 9316 | May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. |
| 9317 | % |
| 9318 | May all the boys you fall in love with fall in love with boys themselves. |
| 9319 | % |
| 9320 | May all the girls you fall in love with fall in love with girls themselves. |
| 9321 | % |
| 9322 | May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H. |
| 9323 | % |
| 9324 | May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! |
| 9325 | % |
| 9326 | Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low |
| 9327 | opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer! |
| 9328 | % |
| 9329 | McCoy's a seducer galore, |
| 9330 | And of virgins he has quite a score. |
| 9331 | He tells them, "My dear, |
| 9332 | You're the Final Frontier, |
| 9333 | Where man never has gone before." |
| 9334 | % |
| 9335 | McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: |
| 9336 | If an item is advertised as "under $50", |
| 9337 | you can bet your ass it's not $19.95. |
| 9338 | % |
| 9339 | McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of |
| 9340 | the passengers who were injured. |
| 9341 | "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw |
| 9342 | the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you |
| 9343 | think when you saw this happen ?" |
| 9344 | I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run |
| 9345 | a railroad." |
| 9346 | % |
| 9347 | Me father makes book on the corner, |
| 9348 | Me mother makes second hand gin, |
| 9349 | Me sister makes love for a dollar, |
| 9350 | And that's how the money rolls in! |
| 9351 | |
| 9352 | Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in! |
| 9353 | (Rolls in!) |
| 9354 | Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in! |
| 9355 | |
| 9356 | Me father sells cheap prophylactics, |
| 9357 | Me mum pokes the tips with a pin, |
| 9358 | Me sister performs the abortions, |
| 9359 | And that's how the money rolls in! |
| 9360 | |
| 9361 | Me uncle's a poor missionary, |
| 9362 | He saves fallen women from sin. |
| 9363 | He'll save you a blonde for five dollars, |
| 9364 | And that's how the money rolls in. |
| 9365 | % |
| 9366 | Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot |
| 9367 | of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people |
| 9368 | are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay |
| 9369 | for his own drinks. |
| 9370 | -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" |
| 9371 | % |
| 9372 | Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates! |
| 9373 | % |
| 9374 | Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but |
| 9375 | they jus' kept on a-comin'. Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up. |
| 9376 | And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised |
| 9377 | as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand. |
| 9378 | % |
| 9379 | Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes, |
| 9380 | Afflicted with psychotic warps. |
| 9381 | His idea of fun |
| 9382 | Is to bugger a nun, |
| 9383 | And then vomit all over the corpse. |
| 9384 | % |
| 9385 | Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on |
| 9386 | ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" |
| 9387 | |
| 9388 | (from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" |
| 9389 | |
| 9390 | Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" |
| 9391 | % |
| 9392 | Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave |
| 9393 | 'em by the curb when you're done. |
| 9394 | % |
| 9395 | Men have many faults, |
| 9396 | Women only two: |
| 9397 | Everything they say, |
| 9398 | And everything they do! |
| 9399 | % |
| 9400 | Men will fuck mud. |
| 9401 | -- Lenny Bruce |
| 9402 | % |
| 9403 | menage a trois, n: |
| 9404 | Using both hands to masturbate. |
| 9405 | % |
| 9406 | Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines |
| 9407 | also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female |
| 9408 | body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and |
| 9409 | should not be seen by the light of day. |
| 9410 | -- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different" |
| 9411 | % |
| 9412 | Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it |
| 9413 | has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very |
| 9414 | closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing |
| 9415 | the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... |
| 9416 | |
| 9417 | [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important |
| 9418 | world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the |
| 9419 | next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] |
| 9420 | |
| 9421 | ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your |
| 9422 | cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of |
| 9423 | billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more |
| 9424 | interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your |
| 9425 | skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells, |
| 9426 | who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice |
| 9427 | views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so |
| 9428 | much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below. |
| 9429 | -- Dave Barry |
| 9430 | % |
| 9431 | Meteorologist, n: |
| 9432 | A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether. |
| 9433 | % |
| 9434 | Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which |
| 9435 | the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets |
| 9436 | with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues: |
| 9437 | |
| 9438 | Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you. |
| 9439 | Mickey : Oh? |
| 9440 | Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane. |
| 9441 | Mickey : Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was |
| 9442 | fuckin' Goofy. |
| 9443 | % |
| 9444 | Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his |
| 9445 | wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. |
| 9446 | % |
| 9447 | "Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's |
| 9448 | testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!" |
| 9449 | -- Ripping Yarns |
| 9450 | % |
| 9451 | Missed the train at the railway station |
| 9452 | Oh hell, blast, and damnation! |
| 9453 | Asked a lady in there if she had the time, |
| 9454 | She said "Yes", and a strong inclination. |
| 9455 | % |
| 9456 | Missionary position: |
| 9457 | The missionary on top. |
| 9458 | % |
| 9459 | Mistress Mary, quite contrary, |
| 9460 | How does your garden grow? |
| 9461 | With silver bells and cockle shells, |
| 9462 | And one really fucked-up petunia. |
| 9463 | % |
| 9464 | Mistress, n: |
| 9465 | Something between a mister and a mattress. |
| 9466 | % |
| 9467 | mixed emotions: |
| 9468 | Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff... |
| 9469 | in your brand new Mercedes. |
| 9470 | % |
| 9471 | Montana: |
| 9472 | Where men are men and women are sheep. |
| 9473 | % |
| 9474 | Moody bitch in search of... |
| 9475 | kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship. |
| 9476 | % |
| 9477 | Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice, |
| 9478 | good-looking guy to dump on. |
| 9479 | % |
| 9480 | Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few |
| 9481 | blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane |
| 9482 | tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house. |
| 9483 | His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing |
| 9484 | the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind |
| 9485 | her, reached out, and squeezed her breast. |
| 9486 | "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here |
| 9487 | for breakfast tomorrow." |
| 9488 | % |
| 9489 | Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss |
| 9490 | out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel. |
| 9491 | % |
| 9492 | Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck. |
| 9493 | % |
| 9494 | Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. |
| 9495 | -- Frank Zappa |
| 9496 | % |
| 9497 | Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity |
| 9498 | to be otherwise. |
| 9499 | -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" |
| 9500 | % |
| 9501 | Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some. |
| 9502 | % |
| 9503 | Motto of the Electrical Engineer: |
| 9504 | Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: |
| 9505 | it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. |
| 9506 | % |
| 9507 | Moustache rides, 50 cents. |
| 9508 | % |
| 9509 | Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone! |
| 9510 | % |
| 9511 | Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one |
| 9512 | problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him |
| 9513 | time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him |
| 9514 | that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of |
| 9515 | his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just |
| 9516 | couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing. |
| 9517 | Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot |
| 9518 | had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just |
| 9519 | took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers. |
| 9520 | That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it |
| 9521 | started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front |
| 9522 | door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano |
| 9523 | tonight. Now, don't you dare move." |
| 9524 | Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare, |
| 9525 | and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano. |
| 9526 | Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they |
| 9527 | arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to |
| 9528 | the door. |
| 9529 | Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you |
| 9530 | chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!" |
| 9531 | % |
| 9532 | Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks; |
| 9533 | Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks. |
| 9534 | When he's under the weather |
| 9535 | They can't get together, |
| 9536 | So others get into her box. |
| 9537 | % |
| 9538 | Murphy's Discovery: |
| 9539 | Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk |
| 9540 | to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and |
| 9541 | everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine |
| 9542 | months later, you're in trouble! |
| 9543 | % |
| 9544 | Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism |
| 9545 | fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really |
| 9546 | understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after |
| 9547 | being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform, |
| 9548 | they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful |
| 9549 | things to them for their own good. This is so ME." |
| 9550 | -- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled: |
| 9551 | "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat |
| 9552 | of AIDS, book reveals" |
| 9553 | % |
| 9554 | My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer |
| 9555 | dahlias. |
| 9556 | -- William Allen White |
| 9557 | % |
| 9558 | My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. |
| 9559 | He goes around with his head stuck up his ass. |
| 9560 | % |
| 9561 | My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him |
| 9562 | in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was |
| 9563 | Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus. |
| 9564 | -- T. Bywater |
| 9565 | % |
| 9566 | My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my |
| 9567 | family, it seems, begins where yours left off. |
| 9568 | -- Alexandre Dumas |
| 9569 | % |
| 9570 | My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards. |
| 9571 | % |
| 9572 | My godda bless, never I see sucha people. |
| 9573 | -- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale |
| 9574 | % |
| 9575 | My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall |
| 9576 | and they stick. |
| 9577 | -- Johnny Bob |
| 9578 | % |
| 9579 | My jaw aches, my pussy is sore. |
| 9580 | I simply can't fuck any more; |
| 9581 | I'm covered with sweat, |
| 9582 | And you haven't come yet, |
| 9583 | And my God, it's a quarter to four! |
| 9584 | -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint |
| 9585 | % |
| 9586 | My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend. |
| 9587 | -- Rodney Dangerfield |
| 9588 | % |
| 9589 | My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife. |
| 9590 | -- Friday |
| 9591 | % |
| 9592 | My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife |
| 9593 | came home early from work and found us in bed together. |
| 9594 | -- Lenny Bruce |
| 9595 | % |
| 9596 | My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret |
| 9597 | vice, or self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without |
| 9598 | quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness, |
| 9599 | paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community? |
| 9600 | -- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine |
| 9601 | Publishing Company, 1895. Dr. Kellogg helped invent |
| 9602 | corn flakes and peanut butter. In addition to denouncing |
| 9603 | masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and |
| 9604 | that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a |
| 9605 | cannonball on the stomach. |
| 9606 | % |
| 9607 | My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I |
| 9608 | want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want |
| 9609 | to screw again as long as I live. |
| 9610 | -- Erica Jong |
| 9611 | % |
| 9612 | My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine. |
| 9613 | % |
| 9614 | My travel agent's an Oxford chap |
| 9615 | Who rolls his eyes when he speaks. |
| 9616 | I asked him about the Isle of Man |
| 9617 | For a journey of about six weeks. |
| 9618 | And this is what he said to me |
| 9619 | As he looked me right in the eye, |
| 9620 | "For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip |
| 9621 | Of Elephant Shit On Rye." |
| 9622 | |
| 9623 | A brand-new store just opened its door |
| 9624 | At the corner of 5th and Vine |
| 9625 | And I happened to be standing right outside |
| 9626 | When they turned on their neon sign. |
| 9627 | I heard a strange sound, I looked around, |
| 9628 | And that's when I almost died, |
| 9629 | They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town |
| 9630 | To get their Elephant Shit On Rye! |
| 9631 | % |
| 9632 | `My trip? It was vile. Balaclava |
| 9633 | I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. |
| 9634 | The ship was all white |
| 9635 | But it creaked in the night, |
| 9636 | And the band, they did not know la java." |
| 9637 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 9638 | % |
| 9639 | `My trip? It was vile. Balaclava |
| 9640 | I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. |
| 9641 | The ship was all white |
| 9642 | But it creaked in the night, |
| 9643 | And the band, they did not know la java." |
| 9644 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 9645 | % |
| 9646 | My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967. |
| 9647 | She's up to three packs a day. |
| 9648 | -- Rodney Dangerfield |
| 9649 | % |
| 9650 | My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating. |
| 9651 | -- Howard Stern |
| 9652 | % |
| 9653 | Naeser's Law: |
| 9654 | You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. |
| 9655 | % |
| 9656 | Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire |
| 9657 | naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly |
| 9658 | sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up. |
| 9659 | -- Lewis Carroll |
| 9660 | % |
| 9661 | Naked couple in bed, woman says to man: |
| 9662 | "When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks." |
| 9663 | % |
| 9664 | Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron... |
| 9665 | seems he's making it hard for everyone but her. |
| 9666 | % |
| 9667 | National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf. |
| 9668 | % |
| 9669 | navel, n: |
| 9670 | A place to stash your gum on the way down. |
| 9671 | % |
| 9672 | Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. |
| 9673 | Watch who you sleep with. |
| 9674 | % |
| 9675 | necrophilia, n: |
| 9676 | Dead boring. |
| 9677 | |
| 9678 | incest, n: |
| 9679 | Relatively boring. |
| 9680 | % |
| 9681 | necrophilia, n: |
| 9682 | Dropping in for a cold one. |
| 9683 | % |
| 9684 | Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? |
| 9685 | Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York. |
| 9686 | % |
| 9687 | Negotiate my ass, let's kill something! |
| 9688 | % |
| 9689 | Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane. |
| 9690 | -- Gordon Cooper |
| 9691 | % |
| 9692 | "Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?" |
| 9693 | "Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure." |
| 9694 | % |
| 9695 | Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds. |
| 9696 | % |
| 9697 | NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: |
| 9698 | "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on |
| 9699 | a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her |
| 9700 | promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of |
| 9701 | our "Big John" doll.) |
| 9702 | % |
| 9703 | New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House". |
| 9704 | % |
| 9705 | New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; |
| 9706 | it's the asshole of the universe. |
| 9707 | -- Jonathan Michael Smith |
| 9708 | % |
| 9709 | New York: |
| 9710 | Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off. |
| 9711 | % |
| 9712 | Newlywed groom: |
| 9713 | Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer. |
| 9714 | You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, |
| 9715 | and weekends. I'm sorry. |
| 9716 | Newlywed bride: |
| 9717 | I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker. |
| 9718 | Groom: |
| 9719 | Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow |
| 9720 | through... |
| 9721 | % |
| 9722 | Newsflash: |
| 9723 | Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally |
| 9724 | predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest |
| 9725 | of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world. |
| 9726 | Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from |
| 9727 | expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out |
| 9728 | to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive |
| 9729 | than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five, |
| 9730 | living in Stenton, North Dakota. |
| 9731 | % |
| 9732 | Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool. |
| 9733 | Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool. |
| 9734 | -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) |
| 9735 | % |
| 9736 | Nice computers don't go down. |
| 9737 | % |
| 9738 | Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women. |
| 9739 | % |
| 9740 | Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman: |
| 9741 | 1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat |
| 9742 | so the lid won't stay up. |
| 9743 | 2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs. |
| 9744 | 3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me." |
| 9745 | 4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun." |
| 9746 | 5: Tacos will never contest a divorce, |
| 9747 | demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything. |
| 9748 | 6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover, |
| 9749 | or speculate about your next one. |
| 9750 | 7: A taco will never make a scene because |
| 9751 | there are other tacos in the refrigerator. |
| 9752 | 8: It's easy to drop a taco. |
| 9753 | 9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest. |
| 9754 | % |
| 9755 | Ninety percent of everything is crap. |
| 9756 | -- Theodore Sturgeon |
| 9757 | % |
| 9758 | No matter how clever the hardware boys |
| 9759 | are, the software boys piss it away. |
| 9760 | % |
| 9761 | No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent". |
| 9762 | -- Greg Bear |
| 9763 | % |
| 9764 | Non Illegitemus Carborundum. |
| 9765 | [Don't let the bastards wear you down.] |
| 9766 | % |
| 9767 | Not everyone has a one-track mind. |
| 9768 | -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk |
| 9769 | % |
| 9770 | Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends. |
| 9771 | -- Woody Allen |
| 9772 | % |
| 9773 | nothing, adj: |
| 9774 | A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose. |
| 9775 | % |
| 9776 | Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient |
| 9777 | tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed |
| 9778 | Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?" What |
| 9779 | can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out |
| 9780 | of hand, you know... We killed him because he didn't want to become |
| 9781 | a doctor, that's why we killed him. |
| 9782 | -- Lenny Bruce |
| 9783 | % |
| 9784 | Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle |
| 9785 | Who said with a wink and a smile, |
| 9786 | "Sure, please stick it in, |
| 9787 | Be it thick be it thin, |
| 9788 | But if's rough I won't do as a file." |
| 9789 | % |
| 9790 | Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- |
| 9791 | bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers |
| 9792 | have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence |
| 9793 | of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, |
| 9794 | "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man, |
| 9795 | "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved |
| 9796 | by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments, |
| 9797 | you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and |
| 9798 | promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. |
| 9799 | -- D. Adams |
| 9800 | % |
| 9801 | Now what would they do if I just sailed away? |
| 9802 | Who the hell really compelled me to leave today? |
| 9803 | Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball, |
| 9804 | What would they do if I made no landfall?" |
| 9805 | -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall" |
| 9806 | % |
| 9807 | Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and |
| 9808 | occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up |
| 9809 | with this in response to one... |
| 9810 | |
| 9811 | Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing. |
| 9812 | When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was |
| 9813 | bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't |
| 9814 | meet either of my standards. But if it makes you feel more |
| 9815 | comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this |
| 9816 | morning and screwed the daylights out of me. |
| 9817 | |
| 9818 | "Just think," said |
| 9819 | |
| 9820 | Nurse Jones, |
| 9821 | "... that was four |
| 9822 | hours ago and |
| 9823 | my sperm count |
| 9824 | is probably *still* |
| 9825 | higher than yours." |
| 9826 | % |
| 9827 | Nybble me... Byte me... Unsigned long int me... |
| 9828 | % |
| 9829 | Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman. |
| 9830 | -- Joseph Pulitzer |
| 9831 | % |
| 9832 | Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but |
| 9833 | their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes |
| 9834 | because it's obscene. |
| 9835 | % |
| 9836 | Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers. |
| 9837 | % |
| 9838 | Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. |
| 9839 | % |
| 9840 | Oden the bardling averred |
| 9841 | His muse was the bum of a bird, |
| 9842 | And his Lesbian wife |
| 9843 | Would finger his fife |
| 9844 | While Fisherwood waited as third. |
| 9845 | % |
| 9846 | Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly |
| 9847 | exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London is the |
| 9848 | author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter," |
| 9849 | "A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy |
| 9850 | Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to |
| 9851 | an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save |
| 9852 | himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb: |
| 9853 | |
| 9854 | "Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate |
| 9855 | ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding |
| 9856 | -- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England, |
| 9857 | spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"... |
| 9858 | There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome, |
| 9859 | sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon." |
| 9860 | % |
| 9861 | Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex. |
| 9862 | The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes. |
| 9863 | % |
| 9864 | Of his face she thought not very much, |
| 9865 | But then, at the very first touch, |
| 9866 | Her attitude shifted -- |
| 9867 | He was terribly gifted |
| 9868 | At frigging and fucking and such. |
| 9869 | % |
| 9870 | Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch. |
| 9871 | % |
| 9872 | Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam, |
| 9873 | Where the beer and the whiskey flows free, |
| 9874 | Where never is heard, a discouraging word, |
| 9875 | And the call-girls keep callin' for me! |
| 9876 | % |
| 9877 | Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover, |
| 9878 | That got run over with my mower. |
| 9879 | One leg is missing, and one other is gone, |
| 9880 | The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn. |
| 9881 | It's no use explain'n, the one remaining, |
| 9882 | It landed by the kitchen door. |
| 9883 | Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover, |
| 9884 | that ain't gonna walk no more... |
| 9885 | -- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover. |
| 9886 | % |
| 9887 | Oh John, let's not park here. |
| 9888 | Oh John, let's not park. |
| 9889 | Oh John, let's not. |
| 9890 | Oh John, let's. |
| 9891 | Oh John. |
| 9892 | Oh. |
| 9893 | % |
| 9894 | Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent! |
| 9895 | Her cunt is so dreadfully bent, |
| 9896 | The poor wench doth stammer, |
| 9897 | "I need a sledgehammer |
| 9898 | To pound a man into my vent." |
| 9899 | % |
| 9900 | Oh pity the prince, Montezuma |
| 9901 | He tried to make love to a puma. |
| 9902 | Seems the puma, in play, |
| 9903 | Tore his testes away - |
| 9904 | - An example of animal huma. |
| 9905 | % |
| 9906 | Oh pity the prince, Montezuma |
| 9907 | He tried to make love to a puma. |
| 9908 | Seems the puma, in play, |
| 9909 | Tore his testes away -- |
| 9910 | An example of animal huma. |
| 9911 | % |
| 9912 | Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive. |
| 9913 | -- Don Herold |
| 9914 | % |
| 9915 | OLD FELLA RED CLARET |
| 9916 | Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er" |
| 9917 | |
| 9918 | An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old |
| 9919 | and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to |
| 9920 | prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the |
| 9921 | slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings. |
| 9922 | Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste |
| 9923 | buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings |
| 9924 | with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads |
| 9925 | gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. |
| 9926 | In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people |
| 9927 | who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK"). |
| 9928 | |
| 9929 | It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973 |
| 9930 | |
| 9931 | Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts. |
| 9932 | Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new. |
| 9933 | % |
| 9934 | Old King Cole was a merry old soul, |
| 9935 | A merry old soul was he. |
| 9936 | He called for his pipe, |
| 9937 | And he called for his drums, |
| 9938 | And he fiddled with his call girls three. |
| 9939 | % |
| 9940 | Old King Cole |
| 9941 | Was a merry old soul, |
| 9942 | A merry old soul was he! |
| 9943 | He called for his pipe, |
| 9944 | And he called for his bowl, |
| 9945 | And he fiddled with his call girls three! |
| 9946 | % |
| 9947 | Old McDonald had a farm, |
| 9948 | E-I-E-I-O! |
| 9949 | And on this farm he had some chicks, |
| 9950 | E-I-E-I-O! |
| 9951 | With a chick-chick here, |
| 9952 | And a chick-chick there, |
| 9953 | Here a chick, |
| 9954 | There a chick, |
| 9955 | Everywhere a chick-chick, |
| 9956 | Old McDonald lost his farm |
| 9957 | 'Cause he had too many chicks! |
| 9958 | % |
| 9959 | Old McDonald had a farm, |
| 9960 | E-I-E-I-O |
| 9961 | And on this farm he had some chicks, |
| 9962 | E-I-E-I-O |
| 9963 | With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there, |
| 9964 | Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo, |
| 9965 | Old McDonald lost his farm, |
| 9966 | 'Cause he had too many chicks. |
| 9967 | % |
| 9968 | Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup. |
| 9969 | % |
| 9970 | Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe, |
| 9971 | She had so many children, |
| 9972 | She didn't know what to do. |
| 9973 | So she moved to Atlanta. |
| 9974 | % |
| 9975 | Old Mother Hubbard, |
| 9976 | Went to the cubbard, |
| 9977 | To get her poor doggie a bone. |
| 9978 | |
| 9979 | But when she stooped over, |
| 9980 | Old Rover, he drove her. |
| 9981 | You see, he had a bone of his own. |
| 9982 | % |
| 9983 | Olmstead's Law: |
| 9984 | After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. |
| 9985 | % |
| 9986 | On a cannibal isle near Malaysia |
| 9987 | Lives a lady they call Anastasia. |
| 9988 | Not russian elite- |
| 9989 | She's eager to eat |
| 9990 | Whatever or whoever lays her. |
| 9991 | % |
| 9992 | On a ship wrecked far out at sea, |
| 9993 | The girl said, "I can't seem to pee." |
| 9994 | "Aha!" said the mate, |
| 9995 | "That settles the fate |
| 9996 | Of the captain, the pilot, and me." |
| 9997 | % |
| 9998 | On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw |
| 9999 | herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her. |
| 10000 | The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he |
| 10001 | went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find |
| 10002 | a man making love to the corpse. |
| 10003 | "Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead, |
| 10004 | that woman is dead!" |
| 10005 | "Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up. |
| 10006 | "I thought she was an American!" |
| 10007 | % |
| 10008 | On Brassieres: |
| 10009 | Russian: Uplifts the masses. |
| 10010 | Salvation Army: Raises the fallen. |
| 10011 | American: Makes mountains out of molehills. |
| 10012 | % |
| 10013 | On day a Monterey daughter |
| 10014 | Did scuba down under the water. |
| 10015 | She later turned up |
| 10016 | The mom of a pup, |
| 10017 | And they say t'was a otter that gotter. |
| 10018 | % |
| 10019 | On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into |
| 10020 | Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse |
| 10021 | on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was |
| 10022 | apprehended. |
| 10023 | Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is." |
| 10024 | Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money." |
| 10025 | Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!" |
| 10026 | Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor." |
| 10027 | At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his |
| 10028 | bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he |
| 10029 | says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits' |
| 10030 | chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell |
| 10031 | me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!" |
| 10032 | Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the |
| 10033 | money is right now, he will kill you here." |
| 10034 | Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden |
| 10035 | under the big tree at the pass!" |
| 10036 | Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..." |
| 10037 | % |
| 10038 | On the breast of a lady named Gail, |
| 10039 | Was tattooed the price of her tail. |
| 10040 | And on her behind, |
| 10041 | For the sake of the blind, |
| 10042 | Was the same information -- in Braille. |
| 10043 | % |
| 10044 | On the breasts of a harlot from Yale |
| 10045 | Was tattooed the price of her tail |
| 10046 | And on her behind, |
| 10047 | For the sake of the blind, |
| 10048 | Was the same information in Braille. |
| 10049 | % |
| 10050 | On the porch of a dude named Horatio, |
| 10051 | His girl got a yen for fellatio. |
| 10052 | As she sucked on his dingus |
| 10053 | He tried cunnilingus |
| 10054 | But the cops ran 'em off of that patio. |
| 10055 | % |
| 10056 | Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to |
| 10057 | eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me |
| 10058 | only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you |
| 10059 | better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady |
| 10060 | and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. |
| 10061 | The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna |
| 10062 | fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I |
| 10063 | wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you |
| 10064 | sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona |
| 10065 | my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go |
| 10066 | to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say |
| 10067 | you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man |
| 10068 | at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I |
| 10069 | gonna back to Italy. |
| 10070 | % |
| 10071 | Once a woman has given you her heart you |
| 10072 | can never get rid of the rest of her. |
| 10073 | -- Vanbrugh |
| 10074 | % |
| 10075 | Once a young gay from Khartoum, |
| 10076 | Took a lesbian up to his room. |
| 10077 | They argued all night |
| 10078 | Over who had the right |
| 10079 | To do what, and with which, and to whom. |
| 10080 | % |
| 10081 | Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell |
| 10082 | for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group |
| 10083 | as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first |
| 10084 | group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new |
| 10085 | group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They |
| 10086 | exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was |
| 10087 | very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I |
| 10088 | had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them. |
| 10089 | Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all. |
| 10090 | That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group |
| 10091 | and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and |
| 10092 | all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel |
| 10093 | the way I do. |
| 10094 | -- J. Feiffer |
| 10095 | % |
| 10096 | Once upon a girl there was a time... |
| 10097 | % |
| 10098 | Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his |
| 10099 | two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to |
| 10100 | observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came |
| 10101 | running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the |
| 10102 | white cow!" |
| 10103 | The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's |
| 10104 | alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is |
| 10105 | going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just |
| 10106 | say that the bull "surprised" the cow." |
| 10107 | Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little |
| 10108 | while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny |
| 10109 | came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!" |
| 10110 | The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I |
| 10111 | know, the bull surprised the brown cow." |
| 10112 | Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!" |
| 10113 | % |
| 10114 | Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and |
| 10115 | made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer |
| 10116 | wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster. |
| 10117 | "This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic |
| 10118 | and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this, |
| 10119 | bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among |
| 10120 | his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work. |
| 10121 | It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and |
| 10122 | began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this |
| 10123 | rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster, |
| 10124 | however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next |
| 10125 | morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in |
| 10126 | the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure |
| 10127 | enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer |
| 10128 | shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told |
| 10129 | you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head |
| 10130 | toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to |
| 10131 | the birds above. "I think they're coming down." |
| 10132 | % |
| 10133 | Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One |
| 10134 | fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked |
| 10135 | cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When |
| 10136 | she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who |
| 10137 | jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes |
| 10138 | down." |
| 10139 | So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no, |
| 10140 | you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!" |
| 10141 | % |
| 10142 | Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to |
| 10143 | fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, |
| 10144 | the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. |
| 10145 | After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to |
| 10146 | earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this |
| 10147 | little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure |
| 10148 | warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow |
| 10149 | began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the |
| 10150 | chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, |
| 10151 | he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. |
| 10152 | There are three morals to this story: |
| 10153 | 1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. |
| 10154 | 2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. |
| 10155 | 3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. |
| 10156 | % |
| 10157 | Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and |
| 10158 | somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around |
| 10159 | on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious |
| 10160 | enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said, |
| 10161 | "Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right |
| 10162 | time comes, I am going to be that one." |
| 10163 | A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they |
| 10164 | knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly |
| 10165 | and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others. |
| 10166 | All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with |
| 10167 | all his might. |
| 10168 | "Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!" |
| 10169 | % |
| 10170 | Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed, |
| 10171 | and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big |
| 10172 | coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" |
| 10173 | The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been |
| 10174 | sleeping in my bed!" |
| 10175 | And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!" |
| 10176 | % |
| 10177 | Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of |
| 10178 | us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the |
| 10179 | smaller prime numbers. |
| 10180 | |
| 10181 | 2: The Odd Prime -- |
| 10182 | It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. |
| 10183 | 3: The True Prime -- |
| 10184 | Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true." |
| 10185 | 31: The Arbitrary Prime -- |
| 10186 | Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in |
| 10187 | case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received |
| 10188 | the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most. |
| 10189 | However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all. |
| 10190 | 41: The Female Prime -- |
| 10191 | The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is |
| 10192 | prime for integer values from 1 to 40. |
| 10193 | 43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair. |
| 10194 | |
| 10195 | Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities |
| 10196 | are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd |
| 10197 | but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. |
| 10198 | % |
| 10199 | Once was a hooker named Gail, |
| 10200 | Busted and sent-off to jail, |
| 10201 | She liked the jailer, |
| 10202 | He wanted to nail her, |
| 10203 | So Gail made bail with her tail. |
| 10204 | % |
| 10205 | Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke, |
| 10206 | the rest of life is that much easier. |
| 10207 | % |
| 10208 | Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. |
| 10209 | % |
| 10210 | One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the |
| 10211 | boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned. |
| 10212 | Finally the office boy was brought in. |
| 10213 | "I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been |
| 10214 | playing around with my secretary?" |
| 10215 | "N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything |
| 10216 | like that, sir." |
| 10217 | "All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her." |
| 10218 | % |
| 10219 | One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped |
| 10220 | into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited |
| 10221 | to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile, |
| 10222 | he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was, |
| 10223 | the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car |
| 10224 | and approached the farmer. |
| 10225 | "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?" |
| 10226 | Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin' |
| 10227 | in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house |
| 10228 | that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. This here's |
| 10229 | mah wife's idea." |
| 10230 | % |
| 10231 | One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really |
| 10232 | a polar bear?" |
| 10233 | "Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at |
| 10234 | the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the |
| 10235 | ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're |
| 10236 | a polar bear. Why do you ask?" |
| 10237 | "Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!" |
| 10238 | % |
| 10239 | One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an |
| 10240 | anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car, |
| 10241 | he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help. |
| 10242 | Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes, |
| 10243 | threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch. |
| 10244 | The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways. |
| 10245 | Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when |
| 10246 | he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating |
| 10247 | the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole. |
| 10248 | "Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you |
| 10249 | with my car once, remember?" |
| 10250 | "Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion. "I'll just |
| 10251 | lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there |
| 10252 | in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on |
| 10253 | the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion. |
| 10254 | "Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes |
| 10255 | to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes." |
| 10256 | % |
| 10257 | One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all |
| 10258 | the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that |
| 10259 | they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special |
| 10260 | place an reported to God what he'd noticed. |
| 10261 | God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me |
| 10262 | to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I |
| 10263 | will create your mate." |
| 10264 | So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell |
| 10265 | asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his |
| 10266 | ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering |
| 10267 | the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her. |
| 10268 | Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place. |
| 10269 | "God?" |
| 10270 | "Yes, Adam, what now?" |
| 10271 | "God, what's a headache?" |
| 10272 | % |
| 10273 | One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an |
| 10274 | enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue |
| 10275 | eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable |
| 10276 | little dog. |
| 10277 | What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over, |
| 10278 | he asked, "Child, what is your name?" |
| 10279 | "Blossom," she replied. |
| 10280 | "What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your |
| 10281 | parents come to choose such a pretty name?" |
| 10282 | "Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying |
| 10283 | under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She |
| 10284 | thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my |
| 10285 | name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly. |
| 10286 | How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and |
| 10287 | walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he |
| 10288 | inquired. |
| 10289 | "Porky," was the child's reply. |
| 10290 | Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen. |
| 10291 | "Because he likes to fuck pigs." |
| 10292 | % |
| 10293 | "One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most |
| 10294 | gorgeous blond chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she |
| 10295 | said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I |
| 10296 | guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my |
| 10297 | analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the |
| 10298 | problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'... |
| 10299 | I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect |
| 10300 | stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac |
| 10301 | and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.' I said, |
| 10302 | 'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'" |
| 10303 | -- Stephen Wright |
| 10304 | % |
| 10305 | One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot |
| 10306 | tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer; |
| 10307 | to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow |
| 10308 | of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer |
| 10309 | orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time, |
| 10310 | the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take |
| 10311 | care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink |
| 10312 | all your beer and spit it in my face?" |
| 10313 | "Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie |
| 10314 | and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most |
| 10315 | beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick. |
| 10316 | % |
| 10317 | One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police |
| 10318 | officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and |
| 10319 | thacramento ith?" |
| 10320 | The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away. |
| 10321 | The large man then asked again, but still no reply. After a few more |
| 10322 | attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man |
| 10323 | walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, |
| 10324 | "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied, |
| 10325 | "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!" |
| 10326 | % |
| 10327 | One evening a guru had coitus |
| 10328 | With an actress, a whore and a poetess. |
| 10329 | When asked what position |
| 10330 | He used for coition, |
| 10331 | He answered serenely, "the loetus." |
| 10332 | % |
| 10333 | One evening a guru had coitus |
| 10334 | With an actress, a whore and a poetess. |
| 10335 | When asked what position |
| 10336 | He used for coition, |
| 10337 | He answered serenely, "the lotus." |
| 10338 | % |
| 10339 | One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need |
| 10340 | to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped |
| 10341 | his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and |
| 10342 | bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend |
| 10343 | Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to |
| 10344 | call a doctor. |
| 10345 | "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor |
| 10346 | gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of |
| 10347 | the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not |
| 10348 | much hope." |
| 10349 | Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and |
| 10350 | cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?" |
| 10351 | "George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die." |
| 10352 | % |
| 10353 | One hundred and one uses for canned peaches. |
| 10354 | One hundred and two if you plan to eat them. |
| 10355 | % |
| 10356 | One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream. |
| 10357 | % |
| 10358 | One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke |
| 10359 | and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever |
| 10360 | seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw |
| 10361 | another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of |
| 10362 | wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me |
| 10363 | like that, I was only the bridesmaid." |
| 10364 | % |
| 10365 | One night a girl had an affair |
| 10366 | With a fellow all covered with hair. |
| 10367 | His enormous red whang |
| 10368 | Gave her a wonderful bang -- |
| 10369 | She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear. |
| 10370 | % |
| 10371 | One night a girl had an affair |
| 10372 | With a fellow all covered with hair. |
| 10373 | Then she picked up his hat |
| 10374 | And realized that |
| 10375 | She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. |
| 10376 | % |
| 10377 | One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity |
| 10378 | to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. |
| 10379 | "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, |
| 10380 | put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look, |
| 10381 | Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?" |
| 10382 | "Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'" |
| 10383 | -- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish" |
| 10384 | % |
| 10385 | One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives |
| 10386 | accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable |
| 10387 | testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to |
| 10388 | all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they |
| 10389 | enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, |
| 10390 | "What trip?" |
| 10391 | % |
| 10392 | One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to |
| 10393 | compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it. |
| 10394 | % |
| 10395 | One of the most expensive things in life |
| 10396 | is a girl who is free for the evening. |
| 10397 | % |
| 10398 | One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create |
| 10399 | goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail." |
| 10400 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
| 10401 | % |
| 10402 | One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. |
| 10403 | He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the |
| 10404 | following Sunday. |
| 10405 | "9:30 okay?" |
| 10406 | "Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late." |
| 10407 | The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played |
| 10408 | left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning. |
| 10409 | George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes |
| 10410 | late. The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he |
| 10411 | played right-handed and beat them again. |
| 10412 | "You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked. |
| 10413 | "Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..." |
| 10414 | Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might |
| 10415 | be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed |
| 10416 | *or* right-handed." |
| 10417 | "Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm |
| 10418 | superstitious. If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play |
| 10419 | right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed." |
| 10420 | "What if she's lying on her back?" |
| 10421 | George said, "That's when I'm late." |
| 10422 | % |
| 10423 | One should be cherry of virgins. |
| 10424 | % |
| 10425 | One, two, three, four |
| 10426 | What are we fighting for? |
| 10427 | Don't ask me I don't give a damn. |
| 10428 | Next stop is Vietnam. |
| 10429 | Five, six, seven, eight |
| 10430 | Open up the pearly gates. |
| 10431 | Ain't no time to wonder why |
| 10432 | Whoopie! We're all going to die. |
| 10433 | -- Country Joe and the Fish |
| 10434 | % |
| 10435 | One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know |
| 10436 | his ass from a hole in the ground! |
| 10437 | % |
| 10438 | Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!! |
| 10439 | % |
| 10440 | Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later. |
| 10441 | % |
| 10442 | Operators mount anything! |
| 10443 | % |
| 10444 | Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, |
| 10445 | but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. |
| 10446 | -- Hal Hickman |
| 10447 | % |
| 10448 | OPTIMIST: |
| 10449 | A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date. |
| 10450 | % |
| 10451 | ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE: |
| 10452 | The word "No". |
| 10453 | % |
| 10454 | oral sex, n: |
| 10455 | The taste of things to come. |
| 10456 | % |
| 10457 | O'Riordan's Theorem: |
| 10458 | Brains x Beauty = Constant. |
| 10459 | |
| 10460 | Purmal's Corollary: |
| 10461 | As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, |
| 10462 | availability goes to zero. |
| 10463 | % |
| 10464 | Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you |
| 10465 | cash them in. |
| 10466 | % |
| 10467 | Ouch mosquito, silent by night, |
| 10468 | Why pierce my skin, so white? |
| 10469 | You grow plump, as a leech. |
| 10470 | Stop! I beseech (in vein). |
| 10471 | |
| 10472 | I have no choice. |
| 10473 | Why waste my voice, |
| 10474 | When only a slap will do? |
| 10475 | Ouch, I am bitten! |
| 10476 | What ho, you are smitten! |
| 10477 | Yo mosquito, fuck you. |
| 10478 | -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito" |
| 10479 | % |
| 10480 | Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really |
| 10481 | quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes. |
| 10482 | % |
| 10483 | Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the |
| 10484 | maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out |
| 10485 | in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty |
| 10486 | good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know |
| 10487 | for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging |
| 10488 | over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for |
| 10489 | three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in |
| 10490 | their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving |
| 10491 | an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without |
| 10492 | ever considering whether there were men on base. |
| 10493 | -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" |
| 10494 | % |
| 10495 | Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, |
| 10496 | Has invented a new kind of car. |
| 10497 | With a tank full of shit |
| 10498 | There's no stopping it -- |
| 10499 | For short trips, two poots take you far. |
| 10500 | % |
| 10501 | Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum |
| 10502 | possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case |
| 10503 | of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good |
| 10504 | baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for |
| 10505 | sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over |
| 10506 | from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three |
| 10507 | seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their |
| 10508 | souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an |
| 10509 | infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without |
| 10510 | ever considering whether there were men on base. |
| 10511 | -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" |
| 10512 | % |
| 10513 | Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum |
| 10514 | possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in |
| 10515 | case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a |
| 10516 | pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no |
| 10517 | way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male |
| 10518 | comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been |
| 10519 | on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust |
| 10520 | her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between |
| 10521 | catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would |
| 10522 | elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there |
| 10523 | were men on base. |
| 10524 | -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" |
| 10525 | % |
| 10526 | Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, |
| 10527 | In all of the directions it can whiz; |
| 10528 | As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, |
| 10529 | Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. |
| 10530 | So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, |
| 10531 | How amazingly unlikely is your birth; |
| 10532 | And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, |
| 10533 | 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! |
| 10534 | -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life" |
| 10535 | % |
| 10536 | Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, |
| 10537 | "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels, |
| 10538 | and I will lead you to the promised land." |
| 10539 | Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on |
| 10540 | your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land." |
| 10541 | Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising |
| 10542 | the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land. |
| 10543 | % |
| 10544 | Painters do it with even strokes. |
| 10545 | % |
| 10546 | Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously |
| 10547 | mistaken me for someone who gives a shit. |
| 10548 | % |
| 10549 | Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to |
| 10550 | bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs. |
| 10551 | % |
| 10552 | Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car. |
| 10553 | % |
| 10554 | Pee-wee Recommends: |
| 10555 | |
| 10556 | When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida, |
| 10557 | the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured: |
| 10558 | |
| 10559 | + Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream |
| 10560 | + Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah |
| 10561 | + Tiger Shark, starring Raven |
| 10562 | % |
| 10563 | penis envy, n: |
| 10564 | The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long. |
| 10565 | % |
| 10566 | People humiliating a salami! |
| 10567 | % |
| 10568 | People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement. |
| 10569 | % |
| 10570 | People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it. |
| 10571 | -- Peter Sellers |
| 10572 | % |
| 10573 | Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put |
| 10574 | on a pedestal and worship. As he grows up, of course, he will put her on |
| 10575 | a pedestal the better to view her legs. |
| 10576 | -- Barry Norman, in "The Listener" |
| 10577 | % |
| 10578 | Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer |
| 10579 | Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?" |
| 10580 | She declined and declined |
| 10581 | Till approached from behind... |
| 10582 | When her summer turned out quite a bummer! |
| 10583 | % |
| 10584 | Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love. |
| 10585 | % |
| 10586 | philadelphia flying fuck, n: |
| 10587 | Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms |
| 10588 | of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring |
| 10589 | him orally. |
| 10590 | |
| 10591 | [Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if |
| 10592 | you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597, |
| 10593 | Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.] |
| 10594 | % |
| 10595 | Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. |
| 10596 | -- Karl Marx |
| 10597 | % |
| 10598 | Physicists do it with charm. |
| 10599 | % |
| 10600 | Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when |
| 10601 | he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay. |
| 10602 | % |
| 10603 | pile driver, n: |
| 10604 | Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice. |
| 10605 | % |
| 10606 | Planned Parenthood: |
| 10607 | The emission Control Center. |
| 10608 | % |
| 10609 | Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware, |
| 10610 | He announced as he folded with flair, |
| 10611 | "I had four of a kind, |
| 10612 | But those aces combined, |
| 10613 | Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair." |
| 10614 | % |
| 10615 | PLUNDERER'S THEME |
| 10616 | (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) |
| 10617 | |
| 10618 | Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. |
| 10619 | If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. |
| 10620 | Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. |
| 10621 | Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. |
| 10622 | % |
| 10623 | pocket pool, n: |
| 10624 | Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket. |
| 10625 | For women, it's playing the slots. |
| 10626 | % |
| 10627 | polish fly, n: |
| 10628 | You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling. |
| 10629 | % |
| 10630 | Politicians do it to everyone. |
| 10631 | % |
| 10632 | Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. |
| 10633 | |
| 10634 | 'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with |
| 10635 | a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the |
| 10636 | hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long |
| 10637 | practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even |
| 10638 | as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing... Her husband will then value her |
| 10639 | above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful |
| 10640 | queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles |
| 10641 | are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert |
| 10642 | them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can |
| 10643 | induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist |
| 10644 | is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising |
| 10645 | that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has |
| 10646 | nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises. |
| 10647 | -- The Joy of Sex |
| 10648 | % |
| 10649 | Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis |
| 10650 | Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus. |
| 10651 | At her first sight of one |
| 10652 | She started to run, |
| 10653 | And last was seen sprinting through Dallas. |
| 10654 | % |
| 10655 | Posterity will ne'er survey |
| 10656 | A nobler grave than this; |
| 10657 | Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; |
| 10658 | Stop, traveler, and piss. |
| 10659 | -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh |
| 10660 | % |
| 10661 | Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex. |
| 10662 | Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing. |
| 10663 | Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex. |
| 10664 | % |
| 10665 | Pour guerir un acces de fievre |
| 10666 | Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre; |
| 10667 | Il le prit a son trou, |
| 10668 | Et fit faire un ragout |
| 10669 | Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre. |
| 10670 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 10671 | % |
| 10672 | Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis, |
| 10673 | Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home. "My wife and |
| 10674 | I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit |
| 10675 | it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy." |
| 10676 | "Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me |
| 10677 | give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn |
| 10678 | all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell |
| 10679 | your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the |
| 10680 | bottom window." |
| 10681 | "Then what do I do?" asked Brad. |
| 10682 | "Just whistle." |
| 10683 | "Whistle?" |
| 10684 | "That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear |
| 10685 | you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job." |
| 10686 | % |
| 10687 | Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all. |
| 10688 | % |
| 10689 | Pregnancy begins with a single sell. |
| 10690 | % |
| 10691 | premature ejaculation, n: |
| 10692 | A spoilspurt. |
| 10693 | % |
| 10694 | premature ejaculator, n: |
| 10695 | Troubled shooter. |
| 10696 | % |
| 10697 | Premenstrual Syndrome: |
| 10698 | Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time. |
| 10699 | % |
| 10700 | Prince Absalom lay with his sister |
| 10701 | And bundled and nibbled and kissed her, |
| 10702 | But the kid was so tight, |
| 10703 | And it was deep night -- |
| 10704 | Though he shot at the target, he missed her. |
| 10705 | % |
| 10706 | Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets. |
| 10707 | % |
| 10708 | Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to |
| 10709 | the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked |
| 10710 | in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a |
| 10711 | picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'" |
| 10712 | -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash. |
| 10713 | % |
| 10714 | Procrastinators do it tomorrow. |
| 10715 | % |
| 10716 | Programmers do it bit by bit. |
| 10717 | % |
| 10718 | Programmers do it until it goes down. |
| 10719 | % |
| 10720 | Programmers get overlaid. |
| 10721 | % |
| 10722 | PROMOTION: |
| 10723 | New title, new salary, new office, same old crap. |
| 10724 | % |
| 10725 | Prope mare erat tubulator |
| 10726 | Qui virginem ingrediebatur. |
| 10727 | Dessine ingressus |
| 10728 | Audivi progressus: |
| 10729 | Est mihi inquit tubulator. |
| 10730 | % |
| 10731 | Prostitution is the only business where you |
| 10732 | can go into the hole and still come out ahead. |
| 10733 | % |
| 10734 | Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. |
| 10735 | Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it. |
| 10736 | % |
| 10737 | Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They |
| 10738 | both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't |
| 10739 | make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks |
| 10740 | out the door. |
| 10741 | % |
| 10742 | pubic hair, n: |
| 10743 | Organic dental floss. |
| 10744 | % |
| 10745 | Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, |
| 10746 | And frolicked in the Autumn mist, |
| 10747 | And drank Manishiewitz wine. |
| 10748 | Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff, |
| 10749 | And brought him soup and Matzah balls, |
| 10750 | And other kosher stuff. |
| 10751 | |
| 10752 | Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork. |
| 10753 | Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk. |
| 10754 | Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat, |
| 10755 | That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet. |
| 10756 | % |
| 10757 | Q: Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight? |
| 10758 | A: He's the only one with a duck. |
| 10759 | |
| 10760 | Q: Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight? |
| 10761 | A: He's the only one who bets on the duck. |
| 10762 | |
| 10763 | Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight? |
| 10764 | A: The duck wins! |
| 10765 | % |
| 10766 | Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? |
| 10767 | A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell. |
| 10768 | % |
| 10769 | Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell? |
| 10770 | A: He spent the night in a warehouse. |
| 10771 | % |
| 10772 | Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm. |
| 10773 | A: Real men don't care. |
| 10774 | % |
| 10775 | Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish? |
| 10776 | A: Give her a couple of test tickles. |
| 10777 | % |
| 10778 | Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding? |
| 10779 | A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever. |
| 10780 | % |
| 10781 | Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock? |
| 10782 | A: She has a mouthful of feathers. |
| 10783 | % |
| 10784 | Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused? |
| 10785 | A: By the stiff upper lip. |
| 10786 | % |
| 10787 | Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm? |
| 10788 | A: Who cares? |
| 10789 | % |
| 10790 | Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face? |
| 10791 | A: She answered the iron. |
| 10792 | |
| 10793 | Q: How did she burn the other side of her face? |
| 10794 | A: They called back. |
| 10795 | % |
| 10796 | Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth? |
| 10797 | A: Cusinart. |
| 10798 | |
| 10799 | Q: How do you get them back out? |
| 10800 | A: Doritos. |
| 10801 | % |
| 10802 | Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you? |
| 10803 | A: Propose. |
| 10804 | % |
| 10805 | Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree? |
| 10806 | A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green. |
| 10807 | |
| 10808 | Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? |
| 10809 | A: No -- so it must work pretty well! |
| 10810 | |
| 10811 | Q: How did Tarzan die? |
| 10812 | A: Picking cherries!!! |
| 10813 | % |
| 10814 | Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes? |
| 10815 | A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. |
| 10816 | % |
| 10817 | Q: How do you know your elephant had her period? |
| 10818 | A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing. |
| 10819 | % |
| 10820 | Q: How do you make a dead baby float? |
| 10821 | A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer. |
| 10822 | % |
| 10823 | Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street? |
| 10824 | A: Kick it over to Van Ness. |
| 10825 | % |
| 10826 | Q: How do you play Religious Roulette? |
| 10827 | A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck |
| 10828 | by lightning first. |
| 10829 | % |
| 10830 | Q: How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in |
| 10831 | your backyard? |
| 10832 | A: Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing. |
| 10833 | % |
| 10834 | Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, |
| 10835 | or an airline stewardess? |
| 10836 | A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." |
| 10837 | A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over |
| 10838 | and over again until we get it right." |
| 10839 | An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and |
| 10840 | nose and breathe normally." |
| 10841 | |
| 10842 | ... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." |
| 10843 | ... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!" |
| 10844 | ... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?" |
| 10845 | ... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!" |
| 10846 | % |
| 10847 | Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay? |
| 10848 | A: When his cock tastes like shit. |
| 10849 | % |
| 10850 | Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist? |
| 10851 | A: It isn't hard. |
| 10852 | % |
| 10853 | Q: How does a mink get babies? |
| 10854 | A: The same way babies get minks. |
| 10855 | % |
| 10856 | Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American? |
| 10857 | |
| 10858 | A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of |
| 10859 | speech, but under the United States constitution they are |
| 10860 | guaranteed freedom after speech. |
| 10861 | |
| 10862 | -- being told in Poland, 1987 |
| 10863 | % |
| 10864 | Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? |
| 10865 | A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic. |
| 10866 | % |
| 10867 | Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? |
| 10868 | A: Three, but they're really only one. |
| 10869 | % |
| 10870 | Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? |
| 10871 | A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!! |
| 10872 | |
| 10873 | Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? |
| 10874 | A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!! |
| 10875 | % |
| 10876 | Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students |
| 10877 | does it take to screw in a lightbulb? |
| 10878 | A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my |
| 10879 | advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he |
| 10880 | can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the |
| 10881 | credit for answering this incredibly vital question." |
| 10882 | % |
| 10883 | Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light |
| 10884 | bulb, in San Francisco? |
| 10885 | A: Both of them. |
| 10886 | % |
| 10887 | Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? |
| 10888 | A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was |
| 10889 | without a man. |
| 10890 | % |
| 10891 | Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, |
| 10892 | what would Cheetah have been? |
| 10893 | A: A fur coat. |
| 10894 | % |
| 10895 | Q: What can you use used tampons for? |
| 10896 | A: Tea bags for vampires. |
| 10897 | % |
| 10898 | Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies? |
| 10899 | A: Play dumb until the second coming. |
| 10900 | % |
| 10901 | Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas? |
| 10902 | A: Your bicycle. |
| 10903 | % |
| 10904 | Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common? |
| 10905 | A: They both like a tight seal. |
| 10906 | % |
| 10907 | Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons? |
| 10908 | A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases |
| 10909 | of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged. |
| 10910 | |
| 10911 | Q: Why do elephants have trunks? |
| 10912 | A: Sheep don't have strings. |
| 10913 | % |
| 10914 | Q: What do two WASPs say after making love? |
| 10915 | A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again. |
| 10916 | % |
| 10917 | Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian? |
| 10918 | A: Trustworthy. |
| 10919 | % |
| 10920 | Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation? |
| 10921 | A: A transistor. |
| 10922 | % |
| 10923 | Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators? |
| 10924 | A: Toys for twats. |
| 10925 | % |
| 10926 | Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet |
| 10927 | of garden hose? |
| 10928 | A: Darling. |
| 10929 | [Often? Ed.] |
| 10930 | % |
| 10931 | Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method? |
| 10932 | A: Parents. |
| 10933 | % |
| 10934 | Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you? |
| 10935 | A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!! |
| 10936 | % |
| 10937 | Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? |
| 10938 | A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. |
| 10939 | % |
| 10940 | Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl?? |
| 10941 | A: A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood. |
| 10942 | % |
| 10943 | Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP? |
| 10944 | A: A computer that won't go down. |
| 10945 | % |
| 10946 | Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute? |
| 10947 | A: Your last blowjob. |
| 10948 | % |
| 10949 | Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? |
| 10950 | A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone! |
| 10951 | % |
| 10952 | Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? |
| 10953 | A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every |
| 10954 | once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to |
| 10955 | your eyes... |
| 10956 | % |
| 10957 | Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a |
| 10958 | moth ball in the other hand? |
| 10959 | A: One hell of a big moth! |
| 10960 | % |
| 10961 | Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? |
| 10962 | A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please! |
| 10963 | % |
| 10964 | Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit? |
| 10965 | A: Will the defendant please rise? |
| 10966 | % |
| 10967 | Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean? |
| 10968 | A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the |
| 10969 | Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take |
| 10970 | the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews. |
| 10971 | % |
| 10972 | Q: What goes |
| 10973 | Click. "Did I get it?" |
| 10974 | Click. "Did I get it?" |
| 10975 | Click. "Did I get it?" |
| 10976 | Click. "Did I get it?" |
| 10977 | A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube. |
| 10978 | % |
| 10979 | Q: What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink? |
| 10980 | A: A frog in a blender. |
| 10981 | |
| 10982 | Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it?? |
| 10983 | A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak. |
| 10984 | % |
| 10985 | Q: What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink? |
| 10986 | A: Baby in a blender. |
| 10987 | |
| 10988 | Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? |
| 10989 | A: So you can watch the expression on its little face. |
| 10990 | % |
| 10991 | Q: What is green and comes in Brownies? |
| 10992 | A: Boy Scouts. |
| 10993 | % |
| 10994 | Q: What is Smoorplay? |
| 10995 | A: What Smurfs do before they smuck! |
| 10996 | % |
| 10997 | Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women? |
| 10998 | A: Snowballs! |
| 10999 | % |
| 11000 | Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house? |
| 11001 | A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom. |
| 11002 | % |
| 11003 | Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness? |
| 11004 | A: Dating a Canadian. |
| 11005 | % |
| 11006 | Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through |
| 11007 | revolving doors? |
| 11008 | A: A nun with a javelin through her head. |
| 11009 | % |
| 11010 | Q: What's black and white and red all over? |
| 11011 | A: Half a nun. |
| 11012 | % |
| 11013 | Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb? |
| 11014 | A: A corpse. |
| 11015 | % |
| 11016 | Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? |
| 11017 | A: Chewing gum. |
| 11018 | % |
| 11019 | Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? |
| 11020 | A: Bunny farts. |
| 11021 | % |
| 11022 | Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS? |
| 11023 | A: The guy that gave it to him. |
| 11024 | % |
| 11025 | Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS? |
| 11026 | A: The guy he got it from. |
| 11027 | % |
| 11028 | Q: What's red and covered with little dents? |
| 11029 | A: Snow White's cherry. |
| 11030 | % |
| 11031 | Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe? |
| 11032 | A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! |
| 11033 | |
| 11034 | Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they |
| 11035 | are removable! |
| 11036 | |
| 11037 | Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his |
| 11038 | very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? |
| 11039 | A: Yes, up to isomorphism! |
| 11040 | |
| 11041 | Q: What is a compact city? |
| 11042 | A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted |
| 11043 | policemen! |
| 11044 | -- Peter Lax |
| 11045 | % |
| 11046 | Q: What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman |
| 11047 | pinscher humping your leg? |
| 11048 | A: You let the doberman finish. |
| 11049 | % |
| 11050 | Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? |
| 11051 | A: About four drinks. |
| 11052 | % |
| 11053 | Q: What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story? |
| 11054 | A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time". |
| 11055 | War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened". |
| 11056 | |
| 11057 | [I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the |
| 11058 | office a little late, tonight... Ed.] |
| 11059 | % |
| 11060 | Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant? |
| 11061 | A: About 10 pounds. |
| 11062 | |
| 11063 | Q: How do you make them the same? |
| 11064 | A: Force feed the elephant. |
| 11065 | % |
| 11066 | Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet? |
| 11067 | A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it. |
| 11068 | % |
| 11069 | Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend? |
| 11070 | A: The weekend never comes too soon. |
| 11071 | % |
| 11072 | Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car? |
| 11073 | A: Not everyone's been in a fast car. |
| 11074 | % |
| 11075 | Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky? |
| 11076 | A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use |
| 11077 | the whole bird... |
| 11078 | % |
| 11079 | Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon |
| 11080 | and Ronald Reagan? |
| 11081 | A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the |
| 11082 | difference. |
| 11083 | % |
| 11084 | Q: What's the difference between hard and dark? |
| 11085 | A: It stays dark all night. |
| 11086 | % |
| 11087 | Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's? |
| 11088 | A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd |
| 11089 | like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, |
| 11090 | "and some cigarettes." |
| 11091 | % |
| 11092 | Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when |
| 11093 | he hits your windshield? |
| 11094 | A: His ass. |
| 11095 | |
| 11096 | Q. What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's |
| 11097 | mind when he hits your windshield? |
| 11098 | A. Oh, SHIT!! |
| 11099 | % |
| 11100 | Q: What's white and crawls up your leg? |
| 11101 | A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice. |
| 11102 | % |
| 11103 | Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? |
| 11104 | A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook! |
| 11105 | % |
| 11106 | Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time? |
| 11107 | A: To the batpoles, Robin! |
| 11108 | % |
| 11109 | Q: Where does virgin wool come from? |
| 11110 | A: Ugly sheep. |
| 11111 | % |
| 11112 | Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads? |
| 11113 | A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time. |
| 11114 | % |
| 11115 | Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand? |
| 11116 | A: They're just pussy substitutes! |
| 11117 | % |
| 11118 | Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children? |
| 11119 | A: Because she's dead. |
| 11120 | % |
| 11121 | Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge? |
| 11122 | A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before! |
| 11123 | % |
| 11124 | Q: Why did God invent booze? |
| 11125 | A: So ugly men could get laid too. |
| 11126 | % |
| 11127 | Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date? |
| 11128 | A: She'd never been taught to say no. |
| 11129 | % |
| 11130 | Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? |
| 11131 | A: To impress Jodie Foster. |
| 11132 | % |
| 11133 | Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary |
| 11134 | Jo Kopechne drowned? |
| 11135 | A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater? |
| 11136 | % |
| 11137 | Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts? |
| 11138 | A: Because they can. |
| 11139 | % |
| 11140 | Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet? |
| 11141 | A: To stamp out forest firest. |
| 11142 | |
| 11143 | Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? |
| 11144 | A: To stamp out flaming ducks. |
| 11145 | % |
| 11146 | Q: Why do men die before their wives? |
| 11147 | A: They want to. |
| 11148 | % |
| 11149 | Q: Why do men marry women? |
| 11150 | A: You can't teach sheep to do housework. |
| 11151 | % |
| 11152 | Q: Why do mice have such small balls? |
| 11153 | A: Very few of them know how to dance! |
| 11154 | % |
| 11155 | Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? |
| 11156 | A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away. |
| 11157 | -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger |
| 11158 | % |
| 11159 | Q: Why do WASP's play golf ? |
| 11160 | A: So they can dress like pimps. |
| 11161 | % |
| 11162 | Q: Why do women have vaginas? |
| 11163 | A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack. |
| 11164 | % |
| 11165 | Q: Why do women love Pacman? |
| 11166 | A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter. |
| 11167 | % |
| 11168 | Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet? |
| 11169 | A: Because 8 inches isn't enough. |
| 11170 | % |
| 11171 | Q: Why don't blind people skydive? |
| 11172 | A: It scares the dogs! |
| 11173 | |
| 11174 | Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground? |
| 11175 | A: The leash goes slack. |
| 11176 | % |
| 11177 | Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games? |
| 11178 | A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA. |
| 11179 | % |
| 11180 | Q: Why is Poland just like the United States? |
| 11181 | |
| 11182 | A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in |
| 11183 | Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever |
| 11184 | you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. |
| 11185 | |
| 11186 | -- being told in Poland, 1987 |
| 11187 | % |
| 11188 | Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is? |
| 11189 | A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and |
| 11190 | gang-rejected her. |
| 11191 | % |
| 11192 | Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom? |
| 11193 | A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth! |
| 11194 | Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!" |
| 11195 | % |
| 11196 | Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS? |
| 11197 | |
| 11198 | A1: PMS is only a problem for some people. |
| 11199 | A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month. |
| 11200 | A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS. |
| 11201 | A4: People with PMS get sympathy. |
| 11202 | A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX. |
| 11203 | % |
| 11204 | Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? |
| 11205 | A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog. |
| 11206 | % |
| 11207 | Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? |
| 11208 | A: Age. |
| 11209 | % |
| 11210 | Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? |
| 11211 | A: The taste. |
| 11212 | % |
| 11213 | Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"? |
| 11214 | A: About three inches. |
| 11215 | % |
| 11216 | Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road? |
| 11217 | A: He couldn't help it. |
| 11218 | |
| 11219 | Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub? |
| 11220 | A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent. |
| 11221 | % |
| 11222 | Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? |
| 11223 | A: 'Cause they can! |
| 11224 | |
| 11225 | (Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...) |
| 11226 | % |
| 11227 | Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? |
| 11228 | A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice. |
| 11229 | |
| 11230 | Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse? |
| 11231 | A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!! |
| 11232 | % |
| 11233 | QOTD: |
| 11234 | "... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of |
| 11235 | Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming |
| 11236 | and throwing little pickles at you? ... Why am I the only one |
| 11237 | who has that dream?" |
| 11238 | % |
| 11239 | QOTD: |
| 11240 | "Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?" |
| 11241 | % |
| 11242 | QOTD: |
| 11243 | "Do you smell something burning or is it me?" |
| 11244 | -- Joan of Arc |
| 11245 | % |
| 11246 | QOTD: |
| 11247 | "Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits." |
| 11248 | % |
| 11249 | QOTD: |
| 11250 | "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different |
| 11251 | ticket." |
| 11252 | % |
| 11253 | QOTD: |
| 11254 | "He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes." |
| 11255 | % |
| 11256 | QOTD: |
| 11257 | "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut." |
| 11258 | % |
| 11259 | QOTD: |
| 11260 | I get girls because of who I am... a rapist. |
| 11261 | % |
| 11262 | QOTD: |
| 11263 | I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday. She had a firm |
| 11264 | grip. He's a lucky man. |
| 11265 | % |
| 11266 | QOTD: |
| 11267 | "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome." |
| 11268 | % |
| 11269 | QOTD: |
| 11270 | I own my own body, but I share. |
| 11271 | % |
| 11272 | QOTD: |
| 11273 | "I say, and without apology, hang the bitch." |
| 11274 | % |
| 11275 | QOTD: |
| 11276 | "I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every |
| 11277 | time it rained." |
| 11278 | % |
| 11279 | QOTD: |
| 11280 | "I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now." |
| 11281 | % |
| 11282 | QOTD: |
| 11283 | I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself |
| 11284 | a pair of velcro gloves. |
| 11285 | % |
| 11286 | QOTD: |
| 11287 | "I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of |
| 11288 | the guy who screwed her last." |
| 11289 | % |
| 11290 | QOTD: |
| 11291 | "I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in |
| 11292 | her shadow!" |
| 11293 | % |
| 11294 | QOTD: |
| 11295 | "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play |
| 11296 | golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!" |
| 11297 | % |
| 11298 | QOTD: |
| 11299 | It *was* wonderfully polite of me. Usually I call the kind of |
| 11300 | cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.'' |
| 11301 | -- Richard Sexton |
| 11302 | % |
| 11303 | QOTD: |
| 11304 | "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten |
| 11305 | who gets tied up." |
| 11306 | % |
| 11307 | QOTD: |
| 11308 | "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!" |
| 11309 | % |
| 11310 | QOTD: |
| 11311 | Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're |
| 11312 | going to put that thing *where*?" |
| 11313 | % |
| 11314 | QOTD: |
| 11315 | My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when |
| 11316 | you stick those little prongs into it. |
| 11317 | -- Mark-Jason Dominus |
| 11318 | % |
| 11319 | QOTD: |
| 11320 | No, honey, I've never been circumsized; it's simply wear and tear. |
| 11321 | % |
| 11322 | QOTD: |
| 11323 | "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay |
| 11324 | and lesbian has lavender skin. On that morning, I will be -- mauve." |
| 11325 | % |
| 11326 | QOTD: |
| 11327 | Sex is like everything else. To get it done right, do it yourself. |
| 11328 | % |
| 11329 | QOTD: |
| 11330 | She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain. |
| 11331 | Ouch! Ow! My paw! Ouch!! |
| 11332 | % |
| 11333 | QOTD: |
| 11334 | "She was so tough she rolled her own tampons." |
| 11335 | % |
| 11336 | QOTD: |
| 11337 | Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work |
| 11338 | and the others are more than willing to watch them. |
| 11339 | % |
| 11340 | QOTD: |
| 11341 | "The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark |
| 11342 | all night." |
| 11343 | % |
| 11344 | QOTD: |
| 11345 | "The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for |
| 11346 | a few good men!" |
| 11347 | % |
| 11348 | QOTD: |
| 11349 | "The only real difference between men and women is that men are |
| 11350 | crabby all month long." |
| 11351 | % |
| 11352 | QOTD: |
| 11353 | "Well, let's say she's friendly. Last year she was the Herpes |
| 11354 | Poster Girl." |
| 11355 | % |
| 11356 | QOTD: |
| 11357 | "What would the world be like without men? A lot of fat, |
| 11358 | happy women." |
| 11359 | % |
| 11360 | QOTD: |
| 11361 | "When she hauled ass, it took three trips." |
| 11362 | % |
| 11363 | QOTD: |
| 11364 | "Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer! Take a look at that purty young lady |
| 11365 | over thar! Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken |
| 11366 | glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!" |
| 11367 | % |
| 11368 | QOTD: |
| 11369 | "Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me. |
| 11370 | Then get the fuck out." |
| 11371 | % |
| 11372 | QOTD: |
| 11373 | "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already." |
| 11374 | % |
| 11375 | quickie, n: |
| 11376 | A moment's piece. |
| 11377 | % |
| 11378 | quickie, n: |
| 11379 | No sooner spread than done. |
| 11380 | % |
| 11381 | QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weight |
| 11382 | equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in |
| 11383 | structural engineering 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully |
| 11384 | grown sligo can carry. 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis |
| 11385 | in the region of the anus 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the |
| 11386 | symptoms of a qwert. |
| 11387 | -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. |
| 11388 | % |
| 11389 | Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy. |
| 11390 | Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!! |
| 11391 | % |
| 11392 | randel, n: |
| 11393 | A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an |
| 11394 | apology for farting at a friend. |
| 11395 | -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & |
| 11396 | Preposterous Words |
| 11397 | % |
| 11398 | Raquel Welch: 36-24-36 |
| 11399 | Bo Derek: 35-24-36 |
| 11400 | Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36 |
| 11401 | Bette Middler: 37-25-36 |
| 11402 | Marilyn Monroe: 37-24-37 |
| 11403 | Jane Russell: 39-27-38 |
| 11404 | Jayne Mansfield: 40-23-37 |
| 11405 | Sophia Loren: 37-25-36 |
| 11406 | % |
| 11407 | Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number |
| 11408 | of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her. |
| 11409 | % |
| 11410 | Reach out and fuck someone. |
| 11411 | % |
| 11412 | Readers Ask: |
| 11413 | Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun? |
| 11414 | |
| 11415 | Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is |
| 11416 | usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If |
| 11417 | a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is |
| 11418 | possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much |
| 11419 | of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First, |
| 11420 | driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill |
| 11421 | it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than |
| 11422 | puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be |
| 11423 | avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire, |
| 11424 | and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness. |
| 11425 | Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires |
| 11426 | more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver |
| 11427 | through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the |
| 11428 | sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with |
| 11429 | holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will |
| 11430 | do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the |
| 11431 | urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad |
| 11432 | (i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But |
| 11433 | you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again. |
| 11434 | % |
| 11435 | real buddy, n: |
| 11436 | Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back |
| 11437 | and give you one. |
| 11438 | % |
| 11439 | real class, adj: |
| 11440 | When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me." |
| 11441 | % |
| 11442 | Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol. |
| 11443 | % |
| 11444 | Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers |
| 11445 | Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars |
| 11446 | Reds and peyote to work out your bugs |
| 11447 | These are a few of my favorite drugs. |
| 11448 | |
| 11449 | Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout |
| 11450 | Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out |
| 11451 | Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs |
| 11452 | These are a few of my favorite drugs. |
| 11453 | |
| 11454 | Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys |
| 11455 | Users of heroin, often called junkies |
| 11456 | Methadone helps then to stop being thugs |
| 11457 | Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. |
| 11458 | |
| 11459 | On a bad trip |
| 11460 | When the cops come |
| 11461 | When I lose my head |
| 11462 | I simply take more of my favorite drugs |
| 11463 | And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! |
| 11464 | -- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things" |
| 11465 | % |
| 11466 | Reformed, n: |
| 11467 | A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays. |
| 11468 | % |
| 11469 | rejection, n: |
| 11470 | When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. |
| 11471 | % |
| 11472 | Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks. |
| 11473 | % |
| 11474 | Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. |
| 11475 | -- Frank Zappa |
| 11476 | % |
| 11477 | Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime, |
| 11478 | champagne is the best tenderizer. |
| 11479 | % |
| 11480 | Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only |
| 11481 | sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's |
| 11482 | changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow |
| 11483 | out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking |
| 11484 | pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with |
| 11485 | the other. |
| 11486 | -- Jules Feiffer |
| 11487 | % |
| 11488 | Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head. |
| 11489 | "What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender. |
| 11490 | "Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw |
| 11491 | someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best |
| 11492 | blow job in the world!' on the wall." |
| 11493 | "Ahh, hell," said the bartender. "Don't give it a second thought, |
| 11494 | we get jerks in here like anywhere else." |
| 11495 | "I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the |
| 11496 | phone number!" |
| 11497 | % |
| 11498 | Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife. |
| 11499 | Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay. |
| 11500 | % |
| 11501 | rodeo fuck, n: |
| 11502 | When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're |
| 11503 | the worst piece of ass I've ever had!". And then try to stay on |
| 11504 | for seven seconds... |
| 11505 | % |
| 11506 | Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals. |
| 11507 | % |
| 11508 | Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun, |
| 11509 | With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done. |
| 11510 | The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day, |
| 11511 | So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray. |
| 11512 | Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war, |
| 11513 | With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore. |
| 11514 | Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees, |
| 11515 | They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese. |
| 11516 | Roland the Thompson gunner... |
| 11517 | His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest, |
| 11518 | But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best. |
| 11519 | So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead, |
| 11520 | That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head. |
| 11521 | Roland the headless Thompson gunner... |
| 11522 | Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in. |
| 11523 | He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin, |
| 11524 | Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word, |
| 11525 | But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg. |
| 11526 | The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night, |
| 11527 | Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight. |
| 11528 | In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley, |
| 11529 | Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it. |
| 11530 | -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" |
| 11531 | % |
| 11532 | ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. |
| 11533 | MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide |
| 11534 | as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. |
| 11535 | % |
| 11536 | Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. |
| 11537 | "And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office. |
| 11538 | "I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers," |
| 11539 | replies Rosenberg. |
| 11540 | "Why the barbers?" |
| 11541 | "Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave." |
| 11542 | % |
| 11543 | Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ. |
| 11544 | % |
| 11545 | Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls. |
| 11546 | % |
| 11547 | rugby, n: |
| 11548 | A sport requiring leather balls. |
| 11549 | % |
| 11550 | Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered |
| 11551 | two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool. |
| 11552 | % |
| 11553 | Runners do it alone. |
| 11554 | % |
| 11555 | Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs, |
| 11556 | "The men like to spread my two legs, |
| 11557 | Then slip in between, |
| 11558 | If you know what I mean, |
| 11559 | And leave me the white of their eggs." |
| 11560 | % |
| 11561 | Said a decadent wench of Bombay : |
| 11562 | "This has been a most wonderful day. |
| 11563 | Three cherry tarts, |
| 11564 | At least twenty farts, |
| 11565 | Two shits, and a bloody fine lay." |
| 11566 | % |
| 11567 | Said a girl who upon her divan |
| 11568 | Was attacked by a virile young man: |
| 11569 | "Such excess of passion |
| 11570 | Is quite out of fashion" |
| 11571 | And she fractured his wrist with her fan. |
| 11572 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 11573 | % |
| 11574 | Said a happy young man of Fort Drum : |
| 11575 | "What care I for this shortage of gum? |
| 11576 | My favorite chew |
| 11577 | Is a condom or two, |
| 11578 | With a goodly amount of fresh come." |
| 11579 | % |
| 11580 | Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, |
| 11581 | "My favorite sport is coitus." |
| 11582 | But a fullback from State, |
| 11583 | Made her period late, |
| 11584 | And now she has athlete's fetus. |
| 11585 | % |
| 11586 | Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, |
| 11587 | When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, |
| 11588 | "You must seize it, and squeeze it, |
| 11589 | And tease it, and please it, |
| 11590 | For Rome wasn't built in a day." |
| 11591 | % |
| 11592 | Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad; |
| 11593 | Of all the girls that I've had, |
| 11594 | None gave me the thrill |
| 11595 | Of real rapture until |
| 11596 | I learned how to be a tribade." |
| 11597 | % |
| 11598 | Said a madam named Mamie La Farge |
| 11599 | To a sailor just off of a barge, |
| 11600 | "We have one girl that's dead, |
| 11601 | With a hole in her head-- |
| 11602 | Of course there's a slight extra charge." |
| 11603 | % |
| 11604 | Said a modest young miss to de Sade, |
| 11605 | I'm simply too shy and afraid |
| 11606 | To take part in your pranks. |
| 11607 | But to show you my thanks, |
| 11608 | I'd just love to become your first aide. |
| 11609 | % |
| 11610 | Said a pornographistic young poet |
| 11611 | "Although I perhaps do not show it, |
| 11612 | My interest in sin |
| 11613 | Is wearing quite thin, |
| 11614 | And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." |
| 11615 | % |
| 11616 | Said a swinging young chick named Lyth |
| 11617 | Whose virtue was largely a myth, |
| 11618 | "Try as hard as I can, |
| 11619 | I can't find a man |
| 11620 | That it's fun to be virtuous with!" |
| 11621 | % |
| 11622 | Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : |
| 11623 | "The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." |
| 11624 | Uhura said, "No, |
| 11625 | At night that's not so-- |
| 11626 | He doesn't withdraw for an hour." |
| 11627 | % |
| 11628 | Said Einstein, "I have an equation |
| 11629 | Which to some may seem Rabelaisian: |
| 11630 | Let V be virginity |
| 11631 | Approaching infinity; |
| 11632 | Let P be a constant persuasion; |
| 11633 | |
| 11634 | "Let V over P be inverted |
| 11635 | With the square root of Mu inserted |
| 11636 | N times into V ... |
| 11637 | The result, Q.E.D., |
| 11638 | Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. |
| 11639 | % |
| 11640 | Said Francesca, "My lack of volition |
| 11641 | Is leading me straight to perdition; |
| 11642 | But I haven't the strength |
| 11643 | To go to the length |
| 11644 | Of making an act of contrition." |
| 11645 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 11646 | % |
| 11647 | Said President Jobcock one day : |
| 11648 | "War's better than love, I should say. |
| 11649 | Instead of a virgin, |
| 11650 | It's murder I'm urgin'-- |
| 11651 | You get lots more blood that-a-way." |
| 11652 | % |
| 11653 | Said sneering Mohammed el-Din : |
| 11654 | "Only infidel dogs put it in. |
| 11655 | Back home in Arabia |
| 11656 | We nibble the labia |
| 11657 | Till the juice dribbles off of our chin." |
| 11658 | % |
| 11659 | Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers, |
| 11660 | In a cunt halfway up to his ears : |
| 11661 | "This nautch is delicious, |
| 11662 | And without doubt nutritious. |
| 11663 | She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!" |
| 11664 | % |
| 11665 | Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea, |
| 11666 | "Young man, do you fart when you pee?" |
| 11667 | I replied with some wit, |
| 11668 | "Do you belch when you shit?" |
| 11669 | I think that was one up for me. |
| 11670 | % |
| 11671 | Said the nun as the bishop withdrew, |
| 11672 | "This must be our final adieu, |
| 11673 | For the vicar is slicker, |
| 11674 | And thicker, and quicker, |
| 11675 | And two inches longer than you." |
| 11676 | % |
| 11677 | Saint Peteer was once heard to boast |
| 11678 | That he'd had all the heavenly host : |
| 11679 | The Father and Son, |
| 11680 | And then - just for fun - |
| 11681 | The hole in the Holy Ghost. |
| 11682 | % |
| 11683 | Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty |
| 11684 | immensely profitable years in the construction business. |
| 11685 | "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have |
| 11686 | constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but |
| 11687 | am I known as Sam the Builder? No. |
| 11688 | And over the years I have contributed literally millions of |
| 11689 | dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called |
| 11690 | Sam the Philanthropist? No sir! |
| 11691 | But suck one little cock..." |
| 11692 | % |
| 11693 | San Francisco: |
| 11694 | A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces |
| 11695 | there. |
| 11696 | % |
| 11697 | San Francisco is my kind of city, |
| 11698 | Where the women are strong and the men are pretty. |
| 11699 | % |
| 11700 | Save a forest - eat a beaver! |
| 11701 | % |
| 11702 | Save a mouse, eat a pussy! |
| 11703 | % |
| 11704 | Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! |
| 11705 | % |
| 11706 | Save the whales. Club a seal instead. |
| 11707 | % |
| 11708 | Says an airlining wanton named Vi: |
| 11709 | "I'm a pantyless stew when I fly. |
| 11710 | To a muffer's delight, |
| 11711 | I'll take head on a flight, |
| 11712 | So the guy can have pie in the sky." |
| 11713 | % |
| 11714 | schnuffel, n.: |
| 11715 | A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed |
| 11716 | company. |
| 11717 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| 11718 | % |
| 11719 | "Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided |
| 11720 | her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you." |
| 11721 | % |
| 11722 | Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the |
| 11723 | ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets. |
| 11724 | -- Edgar Berman |
| 11725 | % |
| 11726 | SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies. |
| 11727 | If you desire fluency in the French tongue, |
| 11728 | this cunning linguist can lick your problem. |
| 11729 | |
| 11730 | Fortune -- P.O. Box 478 |
| 11731 | % |
| 11732 | Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing |
| 11733 | the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other. |
| 11734 | "What are you here for?" he asks. |
| 11735 | "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, |
| 11736 | and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, |
| 11737 | but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand." |
| 11738 | "Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?" |
| 11739 | "Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going |
| 11740 | to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*." |
| 11741 | "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathized the first dog. |
| 11742 | Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely. |
| 11743 | "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?" |
| 11744 | "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed. |
| 11745 | "Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!" |
| 11746 | "OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so |
| 11747 | I was feeling, you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen |
| 11748 | wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't |
| 11749 | resist it!" admitted the dog. |
| 11750 | "Oh! So you're here for the operation too!" |
| 11751 | "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!" |
| 11752 | % |
| 11753 | Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three |
| 11754 | were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with |
| 11755 | the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost |
| 11756 | again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I |
| 11757 | know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign, |
| 11758 | so they too will know that I understand Your laws." |
| 11759 | It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his |
| 11760 | plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once |
| 11761 | and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other |
| 11762 | three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days. |
| 11763 | So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am |
| 11764 | right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign." |
| 11765 | This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form |
| 11766 | one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from |
| 11767 | the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted |
| 11768 | the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not |
| 11769 | be explained by natural causes. |
| 11770 | The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when |
| 11771 | just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and |
| 11772 | a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" |
| 11773 | The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips |
| 11774 | and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!" |
| 11775 | % |
| 11776 | Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously |
| 11777 | pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's |
| 11778 | a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks |
| 11779 | her what that means. |
| 11780 | "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?" |
| 11781 | "Yeah..." |
| 11782 | "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse." |
| 11783 | "Yeah..." |
| 11784 | "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and |
| 11785 | then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..." |
| 11786 | "Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!" |
| 11787 | % |
| 11788 | Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and |
| 11789 | asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job |
| 11790 | imaginable. Not horny, just homesick. |
| 11791 | % |
| 11792 | Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil |
| 11793 | he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments |
| 11794 | cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and |
| 11795 | more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please |
| 11796 | believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. |
| 11797 | Could we maybe talk?" |
| 11798 | The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up, |
| 11799 | the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man |
| 11800 | starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize, |
| 11801 | I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes |
| 11802 | there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?" |
| 11803 | Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun |
| 11804 | in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy, |
| 11805 | much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if |
| 11806 | she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again |
| 11807 | and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would |
| 11808 | have to be the "back door". |
| 11809 | As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt; |
| 11810 | panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying |
| 11811 | you on the bus yesterday. |
| 11812 | Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm |
| 11813 | actually the bus driver." |
| 11814 | % |
| 11815 | Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their |
| 11816 | symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits |
| 11817 | production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of |
| 11818 | security while they're being screwed. |
| 11819 | % |
| 11820 | Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave. |
| 11821 | -- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855 |
| 11822 | % |
| 11823 | SEMINARS: |
| 11824 | From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. |
| 11825 | % |
| 11826 | Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would |
| 11827 | notify you if the record has pornographic material or |
| 11828 | material glorifying violence?" |
| 11829 | Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." |
| 11830 | Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on |
| 11831 | the album cover is good indication that it's not for little |
| 11832 | Johnny." |
| 11833 | |
| 11834 | -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock |
| 11835 | lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 |
| 11836 | % |
| 11837 | Send lawyers, guns, and money, |
| 11838 | The shit has hit the fan. |
| 11839 | -- Warren Zevon |
| 11840 | % |
| 11841 | Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. |
| 11842 | -- Grover Cleveland, 1905 |
| 11843 | % |
| 11844 | Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed |
| 11845 | in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen |
| 11846 | Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have |
| 11847 | any." |
| 11848 | % |
| 11849 | Sex and drugs and UNIX. |
| 11850 | % |
| 11851 | Sex and mathematics have one thing in common. |
| 11852 | You can do each while thinking about the other. |
| 11853 | % |
| 11854 | Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. |
| 11855 | -- Sophia Loren |
| 11856 | % |
| 11857 | Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment. |
| 11858 | % |
| 11859 | Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher. |
| 11860 | % |
| 11861 | Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right. |
| 11862 | % |
| 11863 | Sex is great, |
| 11864 | Sex is grand, |
| 11865 | Sex around here, |
| 11866 | Is mostly by hand. |
| 11867 | % |
| 11868 | Sex is just one damp thing after another. |
| 11869 | % |
| 11870 | Sex is like a bridge game -- |
| 11871 | If you have a good hand no partner is needed. |
| 11872 | % |
| 11873 | Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste! |
| 11874 | % |
| 11875 | Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved. |
| 11876 | % |
| 11877 | Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. |
| 11878 | % |
| 11879 | Sex is the poor man's opera. |
| 11880 | -- G.B. Shaw |
| 11881 | % |
| 11882 | Sex is what women have and men want. |
| 11883 | % |
| 11884 | Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate. |
| 11885 | % |
| 11886 | SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!! |
| 11887 | details at 11! |
| 11888 | % |
| 11889 | Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the |
| 11890 | temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at |
| 11891 | the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's |
| 11892 | a joke about that: |
| 11893 | |
| 11894 | A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a |
| 11895 | service, |
| 11896 | "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" |
| 11897 | The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, |
| 11898 | "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" |
| 11899 | The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, |
| 11900 | "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" |
| 11901 | The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, |
| 11902 | "Look who thinks he's nobody!" |
| 11903 | % |
| 11904 | Share and enjoy, share and enjoy. |
| 11905 | Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side. |
| 11906 | Let your pal be your guide. |
| 11907 | And when it breaks down or starts to annoy, |
| 11908 | or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy, |
| 11909 | 'cause it digs up your hat, |
| 11910 | or has sex with your cat, |
| 11911 | sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door, |
| 11912 | and you get to the point you can't stand any more. |
| 11913 | Bring it to us, we won't give a shit. |
| 11914 | We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig". |
| 11915 | % |
| 11916 | She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass |
| 11917 | If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You |
| 11918 | I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave |
| 11919 | It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley |
| 11920 | If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart |
| 11921 | If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again |
| 11922 | I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave |
| 11923 | It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul |
| 11924 | My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him |
| 11925 | Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load |
| 11926 | I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You |
| 11927 | -- proposed Country-Western song titles |
| 11928 | % |
| 11929 | She asked me if I loved her still. |
| 11930 | "Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way." |
| 11931 | % |
| 11932 | She begged and she pleaded for more. |
| 11933 | I said, "We've already had four, |
| 11934 | And I'm sure that you've heard, |
| 11935 | Though it's somewhat absurd, |
| 11936 | That eros spelt backwards is sore." |
| 11937 | % |
| 11938 | She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed. |
| 11939 | -- Dorothy Parker |
| 11940 | % |
| 11941 | She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic |
| 11942 | candidates for president. |
| 11943 | -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", |
| 11944 | on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis |
| 11945 | % |
| 11946 | She made a thing of soft leather, |
| 11947 | And topped off the end with a feather. |
| 11948 | When she poked it inside her |
| 11949 | She took off like a glider, |
| 11950 | And gave up her lover forever. |
| 11951 | % |
| 11952 | She never liked zippers, she said, |
| 11953 | Until she opened one in bed. |
| 11954 | % |
| 11955 | She stood there and peeled off her clothes, |
| 11956 | And begged for a bang : goodness knows |
| 11957 | I am surely impure |
| 11958 | And I sizzled to scrure, |
| 11959 | But the push had gone out of my hose. |
| 11960 | % |
| 11961 | She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together. |
| 11962 | % |
| 11963 | She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety, |
| 11964 | When the chain on her motorcycle broke, |
| 11965 | Now she's lying in the grass, |
| 11966 | With the muffler up her ass, |
| 11967 | And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes. |
| 11968 | % |
| 11969 | She was only: |
| 11970 | a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine. |
| 11971 | a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations. |
| 11972 | a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box. |
| 11973 | a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still. |
| 11974 | a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash. |
| 11975 | a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm. |
| 11976 | a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash. |
| 11977 | % |
| 11978 | She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr." |
| 11979 | Not because, when she came in, he kr., |
| 11980 | But she knew, just before |
| 11981 | She opened the door, |
| 11982 | This same Mr. had kr. sr. |
| 11983 | % |
| 11984 | She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth |
| 11985 | Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and |
| 11986 | unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back |
| 11987 | and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put |
| 11988 | her on the top step. |
| 11989 | "How dare you?" she demanded. |
| 11990 | "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the |
| 11991 | second time I thought we'd become good friends." |
| 11992 | % |
| 11993 | She wasn't what one could call pretty |
| 11994 | And other girls offered her pity, |
| 11995 | So nobody guessed |
| 11996 | That her Wasserman test |
| 11997 | Involved half the men in the city. |
| 11998 | % |
| 11999 | She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down. |
| 12000 | % |
| 12001 | She's looking for: He's looking for: Foreplay: |
| 12002 | 1957 Someone who'll go Her: Finding a place to put |
| 12003 | Mr. Nice Guy all the way her gum |
| 12004 | Him: Wondering which word would |
| 12005 | best describe her breasts |
| 12006 | to the guys |
| 12007 | |
| 12008 | 1967 Someone who's got The first ten minutes |
| 12009 | Mr. Natural rolling papers and of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" |
| 12010 | will go all the way |
| 12011 | |
| 12012 | 1977 Someone who'll go Testing the batteries |
| 12013 | Mr. Goodbar all the way in leg |
| 12014 | warmers and a leather |
| 12015 | face mask |
| 12016 | |
| 12017 | 1987 Someone who's never Examination of the genitalia |
| 12018 | Mr. Clean gone all the way in under the magnifying glass |
| 12019 | San Francisco that Grandma used for needle- |
| 12020 | point before she passed away |
| 12021 | -- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987 |
| 12022 | % |
| 12023 | She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with. |
| 12024 | % |
| 12025 | Shit happens. |
| 12026 | % |
| 12027 | Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a |
| 12028 | totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you |
| 12029 | know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE |
| 12030 | says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know? |
| 12031 | He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed |
| 12032 | with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home |
| 12033 | to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime! |
| 12034 | % |
| 12035 | Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth. |
| 12036 | % |
| 12037 | Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray! |
| 12038 | I'm agog with excitement today! |
| 12039 | And the reason of course, |
| 12040 | A reliable source, |
| 12041 | Said the snow blower's heading this way!" |
| 12042 | % |
| 12043 | Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love |
| 12044 | together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms |
| 12045 | to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it |
| 12046 | isn't weightbearing. See Discipline. |
| 12047 | -- The Joy of Sex |
| 12048 | % |
| 12049 | Sighed a neat little package named Annie : |
| 12050 | "I've the tits and the twat and the fanny, |
| 12051 | Plus the yen, but the men |
| 12052 | Only call now and then-- |
| 12053 | Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?" |
| 12054 | % |
| 12055 | Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. |
| 12056 | % |
| 12057 | Sixteen'll get you twenty. |
| 12058 | % |
| 12059 | Size counts. |
| 12060 | % |
| 12061 | small, adj: |
| 12062 | Is it in yet? |
| 12063 | % |
| 12064 | Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish. |
| 12065 | % |
| 12066 | Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted? |
| 12067 | % |
| 12068 | Snow White: |
| 12069 | "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches... |
| 12070 | but not an inch-and-a-half at a time! |
| 12071 | % |
| 12072 | "Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay, |
| 12073 | "Come on, take it out, and let's play." |
| 12074 | He pulled it on out, |
| 12075 | But she started to pout, |
| 12076 | His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout. |
| 12077 | % |
| 12078 | So, good night, you moonlit ladies, |
| 12079 | Rock-a-bye sweet baby James. |
| 12080 | Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose, |
| 12081 | Won't you let me go down in my dreams? |
| 12082 | And rock-a-bye sweet baby James. |
| 12083 | -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James" |
| 12084 | % |
| 12085 | So here was this fellow of Strensall |
| 12086 | Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, |
| 12087 | Anemic, 'tis true, |
| 12088 | But an interesting screw, |
| 12089 | Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. |
| 12090 | % |
| 12091 | So, how's your love life? |
| 12092 | Still holding your own? |
| 12093 | % |
| 12094 | So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world, |
| 12095 | which one would you pick? |
| 12096 | % |
| 12097 | So it's ai yi yi yi, |
| 12098 | Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky! |
| 12099 | So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, |
| 12100 | And waltz me around by my willie! |
| 12101 | |
| 12102 | There once was a man from Nantucket! |
| 12103 | Whose cock was so long he could suck it! |
| 12104 | He said with a grin, |
| 12105 | As he wiped off his chin, |
| 12106 | If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! |
| 12107 | |
| 12108 | So it's ai yi yi yi, |
| 12109 | Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles! |
| 12110 | So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, |
| 12111 | And waltz me around by my willie! |
| 12112 | |
| 12113 | There once was a young man from Boston! |
| 12114 | Who drove around town in an Austin! |
| 12115 | There was room for his ass, |
| 12116 | And a gallon of gas, |
| 12117 | So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em! |
| 12118 | % |
| 12119 | So it's ai yi yi yi, |
| 12120 | Your sister swims out to meet troop ships! |
| 12121 | So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, |
| 12122 | And waltz me around by my willie! |
| 12123 | |
| 12124 | There once was a man from Racine! |
| 12125 | Who invented a screwing machine! |
| 12126 | Both concave and convex, |
| 12127 | It could please either sex, |
| 12128 | But, oh, what a bastard to clean! |
| 12129 | |
| 12130 | So it's ai yi yi yi, |
| 12131 | Your girlfriend douches with Drano! |
| 12132 | So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, |
| 12133 | And waltz me around by my willie! |
| 12134 | |
| 12135 | One night a girl had an affair! |
| 12136 | With a fellow all covered with hair! |
| 12137 | His enormous red whang, |
| 12138 | Gave her a wonderful bang -- |
| 12139 | She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear! |
| 12140 | % |
| 12141 | So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the |
| 12142 | lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation |
| 12143 | has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week |
| 12144 | and we've got no money left for food." |
| 12145 | "Could I do anything to help?" she asked. |
| 12146 | "Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way. |
| 12147 | You're going to have to go out and hustle." |
| 12148 | "Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?" |
| 12149 | "It's the only way," he said. |
| 12150 | Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came |
| 12151 | staggering in early the next morning. |
| 12152 | "How did you do?" asked the husband. |
| 12153 | "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents." |
| 12154 | "Four dollars and ten cents," he said . "Who gave you the ten cents?" |
| 12155 | "Everybody," she said. |
| 12156 | % |
| 12157 | So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our |
| 12158 | standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when |
| 12159 | I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just |
| 12160 | about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's |
| 12161 | breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate |
| 12162 | shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit |
| 12163 | than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's |
| 12164 | Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. |
| 12165 | -- Dave Barry |
| 12166 | % |
| 12167 | So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope. |
| 12168 | "Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two |
| 12169 | Polacks who --" |
| 12170 | "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish." |
| 12171 | The salesman thought for a moment. |
| 12172 | "That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly." |
| 12173 | % |
| 12174 | So you fucked up... you trusted us! |
| 12175 | -- Animal House |
| 12176 | % |
| 12177 | So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive", |
| 12178 | and you're still drinking ordinary scotch? |
| 12179 | % |
| 12180 | Social interaction can be fatal. Come to Irvine and live forever. |
| 12181 | % |
| 12182 | Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty, |
| 12183 | Father, why do these words sound so nasty? |
| 12184 | -- Hair |
| 12185 | % |
| 12186 | Sodomy is a pain in the ass. |
| 12187 | % |
| 12188 | SOFTWARE: |
| 12189 | Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. |
| 12190 | % |
| 12191 | Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us, |
| 12192 | and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass. |
| 12193 | % |
| 12194 | Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy, |
| 12195 | Drank up several bottles of sherry; |
| 12196 | In the Yard around three |
| 12197 | They were shrieking with glee: |
| 12198 | "Come on out, we are burning a fairy!" |
| 12199 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 12200 | % |
| 12201 | Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor, |
| 12202 | unassisted. |
| 12203 | -- Wilson Mizner |
| 12204 | % |
| 12205 | Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians |
| 12206 | fucked the buffalo. |
| 12207 | % |
| 12208 | Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name. |
| 12209 | % |
| 12210 | Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them. |
| 12211 | % |
| 12212 | Some women are like musical glasses. |
| 12213 | To keep them in tune they must be wet. |
| 12214 | -- Samuel Coleridge |
| 12215 | % |
| 12216 | Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs. |
| 12217 | -- Noel Coward |
| 12218 | % |
| 12219 | Something better... |
| 12220 | |
| 12221 | 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? |
| 12222 | 14 (complementary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to |
| 12223 | perch on. |
| 12224 | 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides? |
| 12225 | 16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone. |
| 12226 | 17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? |
| 12227 | 18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you |
| 12228 | leave. |
| 12229 | 19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. |
| 12230 | 20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He. |
| 12231 | 21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair? |
| 12232 | 22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine! |
| 12233 | 23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the |
| 12234 | coffee ... in Brazil. |
| 12235 | 24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth |
| 12236 | capped. |
| 12237 | 25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it? |
| 12238 | -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" |
| 12239 | % |
| 12240 | Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one." I say, "I already have |
| 12241 | a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one." |
| 12242 | -- George Carlin |
| 12243 | % |
| 12244 | Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck." |
| 12245 | -- Risky Business |
| 12246 | % |
| 12247 | Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water. |
| 12248 | -- Little Richard |
| 12249 | % |
| 12250 | SPINSTER: |
| 12251 | Unlusted number. |
| 12252 | % |
| 12253 | Starkle, starkle, little twink, |
| 12254 | Who the hell you are I think |
| 12255 | I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep |
| 12256 | I'm just a little slort of sheep. |
| 12257 | Tee martoonis make a guy, |
| 12258 | Feel so woozy, I don't know why. |
| 12259 | So mass the pixer and kill my fup |
| 12260 | I've all day sober to sunday up. |
| 12261 | % |
| 12262 | Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence. |
| 12263 | % |
| 12264 | Statisticians probably do it. |
| 12265 | % |
| 12266 | Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!! |
| 12267 | % |
| 12268 | Stockmayer's Theorem: |
| 12269 | If it looks easy, it's tough. |
| 12270 | If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible. |
| 12271 | % |
| 12272 | STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN: |
| 12273 | Bust truster. |
| 12274 | % |
| 12275 | stress, n: |
| 12276 | The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's |
| 12277 | desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who |
| 12278 | desperately needs it. |
| 12279 | % |
| 12280 | subpoena, n: |
| 12281 | From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ |
| 12282 | or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." |
| 12283 | % |
| 12284 | Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard. |
| 12285 | % |
| 12286 | Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice. |
| 12287 | -- James P. Hogan |
| 12288 | % |
| 12289 | successful cunnilingus: |
| 12290 | When you wake up the next morning with a face like a |
| 12291 | frosted doughnut. |
| 12292 | % |
| 12293 | SUGAR DADDY: |
| 12294 | A man who can afford to raise cain. |
| 12295 | % |
| 12296 | Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president! |
| 12297 | Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much. |
| 12298 | % |
| 12299 | Sure banking is Biblical! |
| 12300 | |
| 12301 | How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal? |
| 12302 | Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a |
| 12303 | little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the |
| 12304 | Banks of the Jordan! |
| 12305 | % |
| 12306 | Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People |
| 12307 | know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. |
| 12308 | % |
| 12309 | swallow, v: |
| 12310 | The (blew) bird of birth control. |
| 12311 | % |
| 12312 | Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface. |
| 12313 | % |
| 12314 | Take a look around you, tell me what you see, |
| 12315 | A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key. |
| 12316 | If you can get close enough to look into her eyes |
| 12317 | There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides. |
| 12318 | And you're fair game, |
| 12319 | You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game, |
| 12320 | Just relax, enjoy the ride. |
| 12321 | Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool, |
| 12322 | But do it with a little class, disregard the rules. |
| 12323 | 'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date. |
| 12324 | The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate. |
| 12325 | (chorus) |
| 12326 | The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch. |
| 12327 | She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch. |
| 12328 | Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie, |
| 12329 | And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die. |
| 12330 | (chorus) |
| 12331 | -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game" |
| 12332 | % |
| 12333 | Taoism: Shit Happens. |
| 12334 | Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens". |
| 12335 | Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. |
| 12336 | Hinduism: This shit has happened before. |
| 12337 | Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else. |
| 12338 | Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it. |
| 12339 | Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? |
| 12340 | % |
| 12341 | TAXIDERMIST: |
| 12342 | A man who mounts animals. |
| 12343 | % |
| 12344 | Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque |
| 12345 | sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you, |
| 12346 | it's time to spend a night in town. |
| 12347 | % |
| 12348 | tear leather: |
| 12349 | To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore |
| 12350 | his leather jerkin' off." |
| 12351 | % |
| 12352 | tearing off a quicky: |
| 12353 | Gunning the jump. |
| 12354 | % |
| 12355 | Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond! |
| 12356 | % |
| 12357 | Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting! |
| 12358 | % |
| 12359 | Television is a whore. Any man who wants her full favors can have them |
| 12360 | in five minutes with a pistol. |
| 12361 | -- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire" |
| 12362 | % |
| 12363 | Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've |
| 12364 | got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there. |
| 12365 | If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for |
| 12366 | life." |
| 12367 | Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked |
| 12368 | to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding. |
| 12369 | "My God, what happened to you?" |
| 12370 | "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile |
| 12371 | on his bloodied lips. |
| 12372 | "Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But |
| 12373 | what happened? Did the customer start a fight?" |
| 12374 | "Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was |
| 12375 | *pissed*." |
| 12376 | % |
| 12377 | Tequila my girl, is deceiving: |
| 12378 | Take two at the very most. |
| 12379 | Take three and you're under the table, |
| 12380 | Take four and you're under the host. |
| 12381 | % |
| 12382 | Test makers do it: |
| 12383 | A: sometimes |
| 12384 | B: always |
| 12385 | C: never |
| 12386 | D: none of the above. |
| 12387 | % |
| 12388 | TEXAN: |
| 12389 | A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma. |
| 12390 | % |
| 12391 | Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester, |
| 12392 | She obliges all who accost her. |
| 12393 | She welcomes the prick |
| 12394 | Of Tom, Harry or Dick, |
| 12395 | Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor. |
| 12396 | % |
| 12397 | That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper. |
| 12398 | % |
| 12399 | That Harvard don down at El Djim -- |
| 12400 | Oh, wasn't it nasty of him, |
| 12401 | With the whole harem randy, |
| 12402 | The sheik himself handy, |
| 12403 | To muss up a young camel's quim. |
| 12404 | % |
| 12405 | That naughty old Sappho of Greece |
| 12406 | Said: "What I prefer to a piece |
| 12407 | Is to have my pudenda |
| 12408 | Rubbed hard by the enda |
| 12409 | The little pink nose of my niece." |
| 12410 | % |
| 12411 | That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan |
| 12412 | pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When |
| 12413 | he got back, he was a husky fucker. |
| 12414 | % |
| 12415 | The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules |
| 12416 | of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours, |
| 12417 | began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at |
| 12418 | nine. Candles out at ten." |
| 12419 | % |
| 12420 | The acrobats - Tom and Louise- |
| 12421 | Do an act in the nude on their knees. |
| 12422 | They crawl down the aisle |
| 12423 | While screwing dog-style, |
| 12424 | As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees." |
| 12425 | % |
| 12426 | The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the |
| 12427 | home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening, |
| 12428 | when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in- |
| 12429 | law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly, |
| 12430 | the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my |
| 12431 | slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove |
| 12432 | my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command. |
| 12433 | Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man |
| 12434 | and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let |
| 12435 | me catch you wearing my things again." |
| 12436 | % |
| 12437 | The babe, with a cry brief and dismal, |
| 12438 | Fell into the water baptismal; |
| 12439 | Ere they'd gathered its plight, |
| 12440 | It had sunk out of sight, |
| 12441 | For the depth of the font was abysmal. |
| 12442 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 12443 | % |
| 12444 | The bedsprings next door jounce and creak : |
| 12445 | They have kept me awake for a week. |
| 12446 | Why do newlyweds |
| 12447 | Select squeaky beds |
| 12448 | To develop their fucking technique? |
| 12449 | % |
| 12450 | The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar. |
| 12451 | % |
| 12452 | The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. |
| 12453 | Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue. |
| 12454 | -- Dumas |
| 12455 | % |
| 12456 | The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that |
| 12457 | sex for money usually costs a lot less. |
| 12458 | -- Brendan Francis |
| 12459 | % |
| 12460 | The bishop of Alexandretta |
| 12461 | Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her. |
| 12462 | So he thought he'd enshrine her |
| 12463 | As the Holy Vagina |
| 12464 | In the Church of the Sacred French Letter. |
| 12465 | % |
| 12466 | The blacksmith told me before he died, |
| 12467 | And I have no reason to believe that he lied, |
| 12468 | That no matter how he tried, |
| 12469 | His wife was never satisfied! |
| 12470 | |
| 12471 | And so he built a bloody great wheel, |
| 12472 | Harnessed to a cock of steel, |
| 12473 | Two balls of brass were filled with cream, |
| 12474 | And the whole damn thing was driven by steam. |
| 12475 | |
| 12476 | Round and round went the bloody great wheel, |
| 12477 | In and out went the cock of steel, |
| 12478 | Till at last the maiden cried, |
| 12479 | "Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!" |
| 12480 | |
| 12481 | And now we come to the crucial bit -- |
| 12482 | There was no way of stopping it. |
| 12483 | And she was split from hole to hole, |
| 12484 | And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit... |
| 12485 | % |
| 12486 | The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as |
| 12487 | they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, |
| 12488 | "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have |
| 12489 | any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" |
| 12490 | "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot |
| 12491 | fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches." |
| 12492 | % |
| 12493 | The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered. |
| 12494 | -- Sidney J. Hurtubise |
| 12495 | % |
| 12496 | The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward. |
| 12497 | They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said |
| 12498 | there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity. |
| 12499 | One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said |
| 12500 | to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?" |
| 12501 | Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said, |
| 12502 | "You must mean _faux_pas_." |
| 12503 | "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass." |
| 12504 | Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French |
| 12505 | phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came |
| 12506 | for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the |
| 12507 | roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite |
| 12508 | a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together |
| 12509 | and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner |
| 12510 | table. Remember all that, Ed?" |
| 12511 | "Yeh." |
| 12512 | "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass |
| 12513 | the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy |
| 12514 | bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all |
| 12515 | over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered, |
| 12516 | 'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?" |
| 12517 | "Yeh." |
| 12518 | "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_." |
| 12519 | % |
| 12520 | The bustard's a remarkable fowl |
| 12521 | With surely no reason to growl |
| 12522 | He escapes what would be |
| 12523 | Illegitimacy |
| 12524 | By the grace of a fortunate vowel. |
| 12525 | % |
| 12526 | The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I? |
| 12527 | % |
| 12528 | The computer is the ultimate polluter: |
| 12529 | Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces. |
| 12530 | % |
| 12531 | The country girl who became a city madam |
| 12532 | has obviously gone from rags to rigids. |
| 12533 | % |
| 12534 | The cruelest of creatures' the crab |
| 12535 | With claws that can pinch you or stab, |
| 12536 | And then when you dine |
| 12537 | On crab and white wine |
| 12538 | It gets you as well with the tab. |
| 12539 | % |
| 12540 | The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that |
| 12541 | the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance. |
| 12542 | % |
| 12543 | The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball |
| 12544 | is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. |
| 12545 | % |
| 12546 | The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck". |
| 12547 | % |
| 12548 | The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men |
| 12549 | went down on the Titanic. |
| 12550 | % |
| 12551 | The difference between like and love is the |
| 12552 | same as the difference between a spit and a swallow. |
| 12553 | % |
| 12554 | The difference between this school and a cactus plant |
| 12555 | is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. |
| 12556 | % |
| 12557 | The difference between women and girls |
| 12558 | is as much as twenty years in some states. |
| 12559 | % |
| 12560 | The Dowager Duchess of Spout |
| 12561 | Collapsed at the height of a rout; |
| 12562 | She found strength to say |
| 12563 | As they bore her away: |
| 12564 | "I should never have taken the trout." |
| 12565 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 12566 | % |
| 12567 | The early worm gets the bird. |
| 12568 | % |
| 12569 | The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the |
| 12570 | text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria". |
| 12571 | % |
| 12572 | The Enterprise crew when off work |
| 12573 | Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk. |
| 12574 | Uhura the Zulu |
| 12575 | Is shcked up with Sulu, |
| 12576 | And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk. |
| 12577 | % |
| 12578 | The Enterprise girls, so one hears, |
| 12579 | Have chased Spock for several years. |
| 12580 | His look of disdain |
| 12581 | Has spared them great pain, |
| 12582 | For his prick is as sharp as his ears. |
| 12583 | % |
| 12584 | The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil |
| 12585 | out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. |
| 12586 | -- New Libertarian Notes, #19 |
| 12587 | % |
| 12588 | The fearless old bishop of Brest |
| 12589 | Put his faith in the Lord to the test. |
| 12590 | He fucked whores in the apse |
| 12591 | With chancres and claps, |
| 12592 | But first they were sprinkled and blessed. |
| 12593 | % |
| 12594 | The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley |
| 12595 | Came to light with its face in its belly; |
| 12596 | Her second was born |
| 12597 | With a hump and a horn, |
| 12598 | And her third was as shapeles as jelly. |
| 12599 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 12600 | % |
| 12601 | The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into |
| 12602 | the bedroom. |
| 12603 | -- Richard Lewis |
| 12604 | % |
| 12605 | The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick, |
| 12606 | black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the |
| 12607 | fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered |
| 12608 | a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley |
| 12609 | and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a |
| 12610 | garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass. |
| 12611 | "What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared. |
| 12612 | "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on |
| 12613 | top panted. |
| 12614 | "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!" |
| 12615 | the captain yelled. |
| 12616 | "I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied. |
| 12617 | % |
| 12618 | The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell! |
| 12619 | -- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport. |
| 12620 | -- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island. |
| 12621 | -- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island. |
| 12622 | -- You go yachting with Natalie Wood. |
| 12623 | -- You have drinks with William Holden. |
| 12624 | -- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids. |
| 12625 | % |
| 12626 | The fucking ain't worth the fighting. |
| 12627 | % |
| 12628 | The genital area of Ann |
| 12629 | Will accommodate any size man, |
| 12630 | From the wee that cause titters |
| 12631 | To the mighty twat-splitters |
| 12632 | That cause screams peasants hear in Japan. |
| 12633 | % |
| 12634 | The girls that go to see a man's etchings |
| 12635 | may not know art, but they know what they like. |
| 12636 | % |
| 12637 | The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured |
| 12638 | their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England. |
| 12639 | He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this |
| 12640 | particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the |
| 12641 | doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief. |
| 12642 | "You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before |
| 12643 | marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to |
| 12644 | woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?" |
| 12645 | The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said, |
| 12646 | "I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the |
| 12647 | phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that |
| 12648 | hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the |
| 12649 | woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep |
| 12650 | in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents." |
| 12651 | The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc," |
| 12652 | he said. "You no tell -- I no tell." |
| 12653 | % |
| 12654 | The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant. |
| 12655 | % |
| 12656 | The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it. |
| 12657 | -- Truman Capote |
| 12658 | % |
| 12659 | The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. |
| 12660 | These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the |
| 12661 | results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be |
| 12662 | kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first |
| 12663 | put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well |
| 12664 | pleases. |
| 12665 | -- Sir Josiah Stamp |
| 12666 | % |
| 12667 | The greatest lies of all time: |
| 12668 | (1) I love you. |
| 12669 | (2) This won't hurt a bit. |
| 12670 | (3) The Mercedes is paid for. |
| 12671 | (4) The check is in the mail. |
| 12672 | (5) I was just going to call you. |
| 12673 | (6) I've always worn cowboy boots. |
| 12674 | (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth. |
| 12675 | (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning. |
| 12676 | (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you. |
| 12677 | (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you. |
| 12678 | % |
| 12679 | The Grecians were famed for fine art, |
| 12680 | And buildings and stonework so smart. |
| 12681 | They distinguished with poise |
| 12682 | The men from the boys, |
| 12683 | And used crowbars to keep them apart. |
| 12684 | % |
| 12685 | The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble: |
| 12686 | |
| 12687 | -- The morning after note reads: |
| 12688 | Whiting, Barbara: |
| 12689 | I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute |
| 12690 | I wanted to byte your ear. |
| 12691 | -- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam. |
| 12692 | -- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior. |
| 12693 | -- The last straw: |
| 12694 | Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new |
| 12695 | program and shows up an hour late. |
| 12696 | |
| 12697 | You Don't...: |
| 12698 | Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy. |
| 12699 | You Do...: |
| 12700 | Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily |
| 12701 | indicate a malfunction. |
| 12702 | % |
| 12703 | The harder they come, the more important it is to have |
| 12704 | an extra-firm mattress. |
| 12705 | % |
| 12706 | The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the |
| 12707 | outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately |
| 12708 | the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions |
| 12709 | occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for |
| 12710 | mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics. |
| 12711 | -- John Hughes, National Lampoon |
| 12712 | % |
| 12713 | The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink. |
| 12714 | % |
| 12715 | The hope that springs eternal |
| 12716 | Springs right up your behind. |
| 12717 | -- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find" |
| 12718 | % |
| 12719 | The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a |
| 12720 | particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment. |
| 12721 | "Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but |
| 12722 | was it you I made love to in the library last night?" |
| 12723 | His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what |
| 12724 | time?" |
| 12725 | % |
| 12726 | The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him |
| 12727 | and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his |
| 12728 | lovemaking. |
| 12729 | "Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he |
| 12730 | was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet -- |
| 12731 | even if it's right inside the front door." |
| 12732 | At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the |
| 12733 | husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?" |
| 12734 | the consultant asked. |
| 12735 | "Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still |
| 12736 | sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went |
| 12737 | absolutely wild!" |
| 12738 | % |
| 12739 | The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a |
| 12740 | day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment, |
| 12741 | however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious,he picked up his |
| 12742 | bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what |
| 12743 | had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning. |
| 12744 | "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action," |
| 12745 | the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed. |
| 12746 | An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club. |
| 12747 | "I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph |
| 12748 | in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!" |
| 12749 | % |
| 12750 | The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No |
| 12751 | Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to |
| 12752 | pull it out at the last minute. |
| 12753 | -- Not the Nine O'Clock News |
| 12754 | % |
| 12755 | The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite |
| 12756 | two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each |
| 12757 | other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full |
| 12758 | account of the wedding night's progress. |
| 12759 | "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince |
| 12760 | entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my |
| 12761 | honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.' |
| 12762 | And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer. |
| 12763 | % |
| 12764 | The King named Oedipus Rex |
| 12765 | Who started this fuss about sex |
| 12766 | Put the world to great pains |
| 12767 | By the spots and the stains |
| 12768 | Which he made on his mother's pubex. |
| 12769 | % |
| 12770 | The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard |
| 12771 | To make her fuck hot, but got flustered, |
| 12772 | And cried, "Oh, my dear, |
| 12773 | I am coming, I fear, |
| 12774 | But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'." |
| 12775 | % |
| 12776 | The kings of Peru were the Incas, |
| 12777 | Who were known far and wide as great drincas. |
| 12778 | They worshipped the sun |
| 12779 | And had lots of fun, |
| 12780 | But the peasants all thought they were stincas. |
| 12781 | % |
| 12782 | The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population) |
| 12783 | is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small |
| 12784 | town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100 |
| 12785 | gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a |
| 12786 | majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts |
| 12787 | soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court |
| 12788 | has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our |
| 12789 | anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws |
| 12790 | has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time |
| 12791 | resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't |
| 12792 | want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and |
| 12793 | said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his |
| 12794 | wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be. |
| 12795 | Fact is, I rather like it." |
| 12796 | % |
| 12797 | The lights are on, |
| 12798 | but you're not home; |
| 12799 | Your will |
| 12800 | is not your own; |
| 12801 | Your heart sweats, |
| 12802 | Your teeth grind; |
| 12803 | Another kiss |
| 12804 | and you'll be mine... |
| 12805 | |
| 12806 | You like to think that you're immune to the stuff |
| 12807 | (Oh Yeah!) |
| 12808 | It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough; |
| 12809 | You know you're gonna have to face it, |
| 12810 | You're addicted to love!" |
| 12811 | -- Robert Palmer |
| 12812 | % |
| 12813 | The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what |
| 12814 | they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father. |
| 12815 | That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were |
| 12816 | making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you |
| 12817 | a baby brother." |
| 12818 | "Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a |
| 12819 | puppy." |
| 12820 | % |
| 12821 | The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package |
| 12822 | containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor |
| 12823 | were delivered in a welter of tears. |
| 12824 | "Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't |
| 12825 | see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed... |
| 12826 | (blubber,blubber)!" |
| 12827 | "Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice, |
| 12828 | "and would you care to have them mounted?" |
| 12829 | "Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends." |
| 12830 | % |
| 12831 | The long-peckered Bey of Algiers |
| 12832 | Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears. |
| 12833 | A demon for semen, |
| 12834 | This buffersome he-man |
| 12835 | Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears. |
| 12836 | % |
| 12837 | The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she |
| 12838 | whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you |
| 12839 | were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant |
| 12840 | exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke |
| 12841 | a certain awful recognition. |
| 12842 | -- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books" |
| 12843 | % |
| 12844 | The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She |
| 12845 | is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed. |
| 12846 | -- Norton |
| 12847 | % |
| 12848 | The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all |
| 12849 | the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated. |
| 12850 | -- Rabbi Meir Kahane |
| 12851 | % |
| 12852 | The mind is its own place, and in itself |
| 12853 | Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven. |
| 12854 | What matter where, if I be still the same, |
| 12855 | And what I should be, all but less than he |
| 12856 | Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least |
| 12857 | We shall be free; the almighty hath not built |
| 12858 | Here for his envy, will not drive us hence; |
| 12859 | Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice, |
| 12860 | To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell: |
| 12861 | Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. |
| 12862 | -- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263 |
| 12863 | % |
| 12864 | The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get. |
| 12865 | % |
| 12866 | The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog. |
| 12867 | % |
| 12868 | The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?" |
| 12869 | % |
| 12870 | The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive |
| 12871 | jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad. |
| 12872 | % |
| 12873 | The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was |
| 12874 | "Are you sure you're not a cop?" |
| 12875 | -- Larry Brown |
| 12876 | % |
| 12877 | The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is |
| 12878 | that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway. |
| 12879 | % |
| 12880 | The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their |
| 12881 | virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which |
| 12882 | you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to |
| 12883 | stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the |
| 12884 | man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into |
| 12885 | your eyes - or just by staring into space. |
| 12886 | -- Marilyn Monroe |
| 12887 | % |
| 12888 | The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two |
| 12889 | adopted children. |
| 12890 | -- Paul Ehrlich |
| 12891 | % |
| 12892 | The moving finger having writ... gestures. |
| 12893 | % |
| 12894 | The moyel who treated young Alec |
| 12895 | Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic. |
| 12896 | Presented the child |
| 12897 | His aim was so wild |
| 12898 | He rendered the poor boy biphallic. |
| 12899 | % |
| 12900 | The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on |
| 12901 | their wedding night and reprimanded him severly. |
| 12902 | "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at |
| 12903 | the dinner table." |
| 12904 | Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair |
| 12905 | and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a |
| 12906 | hint of a smile. |
| 12907 | "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." |
| 12908 | "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you |
| 12909 | be so kind as to please pass the pussy?" |
| 12910 | % |
| 12911 | The new cinematic emporium |
| 12912 | Is not just a super-sensorium, |
| 12913 | But a highly effectual |
| 12914 | Heterosexual |
| 12915 | Mutual masturbatorium. |
| 12916 | % |
| 12917 | The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could |
| 12918 | hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor |
| 12919 | replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water |
| 12920 | pitcher. The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest |
| 12921 | returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy. |
| 12922 | |
| 12923 | 1. Next time sip rather than gulp. |
| 12924 | 2. There are ten commandments, not 12. |
| 12925 | 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. |
| 12926 | 4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T". |
| 12927 | 5. The recommended grace before meals is not, |
| 12928 | "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!" |
| 12929 | 6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his |
| 12930 | Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys". |
| 12931 | 7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. |
| 12932 | 8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred |
| 12933 | to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook". |
| 12934 | 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry. |
| 12935 | 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a |
| 12936 | Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling |
| 12937 | Contest at St. Taffy's. |
| 12938 | % |
| 12939 | The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb |
| 12940 | to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately |
| 12941 | upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the |
| 12942 | barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I |
| 12943 | want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the |
| 12944 | roost with my blessings." |
| 12945 | The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only |
| 12946 | a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again |
| 12947 | took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after |
| 12948 | me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say, |
| 12949 | ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the |
| 12950 | henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me. |
| 12951 | The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed. |
| 12952 | Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart, |
| 12953 | weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to |
| 12954 | overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster |
| 12955 | maintained a formidable lead. |
| 12956 | Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the |
| 12957 | dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot. |
| 12958 | "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy |
| 12959 | from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer." |
| 12960 | % |
| 12961 | The nipples of Sarah Sarong |
| 12962 | When excited are twelve inches long |
| 12963 | This embarrassed her lover |
| 12964 | Who was pained to discover |
| 12965 | She expected no less of his dong |
| 12966 | % |
| 12967 | The notorious Duchess of Peels |
| 12968 | Saw a fisherman fishing for eels. |
| 12969 | Said she, "Would you mind? -- |
| 12970 | Shove one up my behind. |
| 12971 | I am anxious to know how it feels." |
| 12972 | % |
| 12973 | The office brown-noser named Bunky |
| 12974 | Would claim he was nobody's flunky. |
| 12975 | But when the chips were all down, |
| 12976 | His proboscis was brown, |
| 12977 | And there hung many strands which were gunky. |
| 12978 | % |
| 12979 | The old archeologist, Throstle, |
| 12980 | Discovered a marvelous fossil. |
| 12981 | He knew from its bend |
| 12982 | And the knot on the end, |
| 12983 | T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. |
| 12984 | % |
| 12985 | The once was a man from Bombay |
| 12986 | Who modeled his cunts out of clay |
| 12987 | So hot was his prick |
| 12988 | That he turned them to brick |
| 12989 | And rubbed all his foreskin away. |
| 12990 | % |
| 12991 | The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is |
| 12992 | that a doorknob warms up when you hold it. |
| 12993 | % |
| 12994 | The only difference between your girlfriend |
| 12995 | and a barracuda is the nailpolish. |
| 12996 | % |
| 12997 | The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist. |
| 12998 | -- Stendhal |
| 12999 | % |
| 13000 | The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is |
| 13001 | that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it. |
| 13002 | % |
| 13003 | The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill. |
| 13004 | -- Mike O'Dell |
| 13005 | % |
| 13006 | The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common |
| 13007 | lamp-post. |
| 13008 | -- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" |
| 13009 | % |
| 13010 | The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in |
| 13011 | bed with a dead girl or a live boy. |
| 13012 | -- Edwin Edwards, Louisian governor |
| 13013 | % |
| 13014 | The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to |
| 13015 | her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain. |
| 13016 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 13017 | % |
| 13018 | The only way you'll ever hear from |
| 13019 | me is if you're living in the same hell. |
| 13020 | -- Roy Harper |
| 13021 | % |
| 13022 | The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the |
| 13023 | catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down, |
| 13024 | guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot. |
| 13025 | The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of |
| 13026 | her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right |
| 13027 | hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at |
| 13028 | once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette |
| 13029 | to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs |
| 13030 | of the 32 strained to remain on the floor. |
| 13031 | % |
| 13032 | The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. |
| 13033 | % |
| 13034 | The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man. |
| 13035 | "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?" |
| 13036 | "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over. |
| 13037 | "What IS your name?" |
| 13038 | % |
| 13039 | The partition of Vavasour Scowles |
| 13040 | Was a sickener: they came on his bowels |
| 13041 | In a firkin; his brain |
| 13042 | Was found clogging a drain, |
| 13043 | And his toes were inside of some towels. |
| 13044 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 13045 | % |
| 13046 | The penis mightier than the sword. |
| 13047 | % |
| 13048 | the perfect worman: |
| 13049 | Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest |
| 13050 | your drink. |
| 13051 | |
| 13052 | [Pistol-grip ears? Ed.] |
| 13053 | % |
| 13054 | The pleasure is momentary, |
| 13055 | The position ridiculous, |
| 13056 | The expense damnable. |
| 13057 | -- Chesterfield, on sex |
| 13058 | % |
| 13059 | The pleasure is transitory, the cost |
| 13060 | prohibitive, and the position ridiculous. |
| 13061 | -- Disraeli, on sex |
| 13062 | % |
| 13063 | The plural of spouse is spice. |
| 13064 | -- R.A. Heinlein |
| 13065 | % |
| 13066 | The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman |
| 13067 | who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private |
| 13068 | secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had |
| 13069 | been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago. |
| 13070 | "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a |
| 13071 | twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his |
| 13072 | private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings |
| 13073 | and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the |
| 13074 | third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me |
| 13075 | into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet |
| 13076 | and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost. |
| 13077 | I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it |
| 13078 | for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten |
| 13079 | dollars. That's when he jumped out the window." |
| 13080 | % |
| 13081 | The poor little doe |
| 13082 | Crawled out of the woods, |
| 13083 | Tired, bedraggled and blue. |
| 13084 | "Look," she said, "What I did for a buck, |
| 13085 | I should have asked for two!" |
| 13086 | % |
| 13087 | The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops |
| 13088 | for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think |
| 13089 | of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?" |
| 13090 | "Aunt," replies the Cardinal. |
| 13091 | "Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?" |
| 13092 | % |
| 13093 | The prick of the engineer, Scott, |
| 13094 | Fell off from Saturnian rot. |
| 13095 | He went to the basement |
| 13096 | And made a replacement |
| 13097 | Of tungsten and plastic and snot. |
| 13098 | % |
| 13099 | The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two |
| 13100 | one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in. |
| 13101 | He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he |
| 13102 | noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and |
| 13103 | as Michael came out, he accosted his and said, |
| 13104 | "Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two |
| 13105 | singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?" |
| 13106 | Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I |
| 13107 | wanted to go downtown for a blow job." |
| 13108 | The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do |
| 13109 | that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on." |
| 13110 | When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed. |
| 13111 | Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother, |
| 13112 | you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you. |
| 13113 | What is a blow job?" |
| 13114 | Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown." |
| 13115 | % |
| 13116 | The problem with being best man at a wedding |
| 13117 | is that you never get a chance to prove it. |
| 13118 | % |
| 13119 | The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a |
| 13120 | Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state, |
| 13121 | how is Brown going to get to Washington? |
| 13122 | % |
| 13123 | The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble. |
| 13124 | -- Thomas Carlyle |
| 13125 | % |
| 13126 | The quality of a blow-job is determined by the |
| 13127 | length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass. |
| 13128 | % |
| 13129 | The randy old Bey of Algiers |
| 13130 | Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, |
| 13131 | Tried a cunt for a change, |
| 13132 | And remarked : "It felt strange ... |
| 13133 | Just think what I've missed all these years!" |
| 13134 | % |
| 13135 | The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have |
| 13136 | to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her. |
| 13137 | % |
| 13138 | The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy. |
| 13139 | % |
| 13140 | The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because |
| 13141 | they can't masturbate. |
| 13142 | % |
| 13143 | The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the |
| 13144 | rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work. |
| 13145 | % |
| 13146 | The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located. |
| 13147 | % |
| 13148 | The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher |
| 13149 | Called a girl a most elegant creature. |
| 13150 | So she laid on her back |
| 13151 | And, exposing her crack, |
| 13152 | Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" |
| 13153 | % |
| 13154 | The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher |
| 13155 | Called a hen a most elegant creature. |
| 13156 | The hen, pleased with that, |
| 13157 | Laid an egg in his hat -- |
| 13158 | And thus did the hen reward Beecher. |
| 13159 | -- Oliver Wendell Holmes |
| 13160 | % |
| 13161 | The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR. |
| 13162 | % |
| 13163 | The rich man uses vaseline, |
| 13164 | The poor man uses lard; |
| 13165 | The worker uses axle grease |
| 13166 | But gets it twice as hard. |
| 13167 | % |
| 13168 | The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was |
| 13169 | certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others. |
| 13170 | "Some moon out tonight,"he cooed. |
| 13171 | "There certainly is," she agreed. |
| 13172 | "Some really bright stars in the sky." |
| 13173 | She nodded. |
| 13174 | "Some dew on the grass." |
| 13175 | "Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort." |
| 13176 | % |
| 13177 | The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the |
| 13178 | community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald. |
| 13179 | % |
| 13180 | The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a |
| 13181 | dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said... |
| 13182 | "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!" |
| 13183 | % |
| 13184 | The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth. |
| 13185 | -- Diana Rigg |
| 13186 | % |
| 13187 | The sex life of spiders is very interesting. |
| 13188 | He fucks her. |
| 13189 | She bites his head off. |
| 13190 | -- From a Women's Lib Poster |
| 13191 | % |
| 13192 | The sex was nice, but confusing. The whole situation kept going di-polar |
| 13193 | on Sta-Hi. One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd |
| 13194 | survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely |
| 13195 | woman to be husbanded. But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind |
| 13196 | her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public |
| 13197 | toilet. Just like with any other woman for him, really. |
| 13198 | -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" |
| 13199 | % |
| 13200 | The Shah of the Empire of Persia |
| 13201 | Lay for days in a sexual merger. |
| 13202 | When the nautch asked the Shah, |
| 13203 | "Won't you ever withdraw?" |
| 13204 | He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia." |
| 13205 | % |
| 13206 | The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his |
| 13207 | doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing |
| 13208 | the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing |
| 13209 | psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he |
| 13210 | felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again, |
| 13211 | and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he |
| 13212 | inquired. |
| 13213 | The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having |
| 13214 | supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It |
| 13215 | was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the |
| 13216 | dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's |
| 13217 | just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..." |
| 13218 | % |
| 13219 | The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray |
| 13220 | At breakfast with horrid dismay, |
| 13221 | So he launched off the spoons |
| 13222 | The pits from his prunes |
| 13223 | At their heads as they neared the buffet. |
| 13224 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 13225 | % |
| 13226 | The skater, Barbara Ann Scott |
| 13227 | Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot, |
| 13228 | That when posed on her toes |
| 13229 | She elaborately shows |
| 13230 | Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat. |
| 13231 | % |
| 13232 | The spouse of a pretty young thing |
| 13233 | Came home from the wars in the spring. |
| 13234 | He was lame but he came |
| 13235 | With his dame like a flame -- |
| 13236 | A discharge is a wonderful thing. |
| 13237 | % |
| 13238 | The star of that X-rated hit |
| 13239 | Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit. |
| 13240 | This serves as a palace |
| 13241 | For each turgid phallus-- |
| 13242 | Some say that the plot is pure shit. |
| 13243 | % |
| 13244 | The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming. |
| 13245 | % |
| 13246 | The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it |
| 13247 | like that of wrestling with a fine woman. |
| 13248 | -- Lord Halifax |
| 13249 | % |
| 13250 | The Sultan was peeved with his harem, |
| 13251 | And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em. |
| 13252 | He caught a big mouse |
| 13253 | Which he loosed in the house. |
| 13254 | (Such confusion is called harem-scarem). |
| 13255 | % |
| 13256 | The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly, |
| 13257 | And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway, |
| 13258 | To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting |
| 13259 | And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day. |
| 13260 | |
| 13261 | My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully |
| 13262 | With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread, |
| 13263 | I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window |
| 13264 | Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head. |
| 13265 | -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith |
| 13266 | % |
| 13267 | "The testes are cooler outside," |
| 13268 | Said the doc to the curious bride, |
| 13269 | "For the semen must not |
| 13270 | Get too fucking hot, |
| 13271 | And the bag fans your bum on the ride." |
| 13272 | % |
| 13273 | The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman. |
| 13274 | % |
| 13275 | The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker. |
| 13276 | % |
| 13277 | The three sexual positions during pregnancy. |
| 13278 | |
| 13279 | During the first four months: Missionary style |
| 13280 | During the second four months: Doggie style |
| 13281 | And during the last month: Coyote style |
| 13282 | |
| 13283 | Coyote style? |
| 13284 | You sit by the hole and howl. |
| 13285 | % |
| 13286 | The time has come for kicking ass and taking names. |
| 13287 | % |
| 13288 | The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner |
| 13289 | threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with |
| 13290 | farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved |
| 13291 | back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers |
| 13292 | jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the |
| 13293 | blaze under control. |
| 13294 | The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they |
| 13295 | gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the |
| 13296 | driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money. |
| 13297 | "You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied, |
| 13298 | "is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!" |
| 13299 | % |
| 13300 | The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true. |
| 13301 | % |
| 13302 | The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They |
| 13303 | were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut |
| 13304 | off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms. |
| 13305 | Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion, |
| 13306 | he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly |
| 13307 | flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room. |
| 13308 | He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late, |
| 13309 | called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray." |
| 13310 | % |
| 13311 | The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took |
| 13312 | great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions. |
| 13313 | This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar. |
| 13314 | The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration, |
| 13315 | ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed, |
| 13316 | "By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!" |
| 13317 | The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted, |
| 13318 | "Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!" |
| 13319 | % |
| 13320 | The two things that you should never lend out are your car |
| 13321 | or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one. |
| 13322 | % |
| 13323 | The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really |
| 13324 | like going to church. |
| 13325 | % |
| 13326 | The Utah version of this joke goes: |
| 13327 | One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents' |
| 13328 | office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important |
| 13329 | that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?" |
| 13330 | The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is |
| 13331 | in the lobby!!" |
| 13332 | The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The |
| 13333 | prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!" |
| 13334 | The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's... |
| 13335 | black, and SHE IS PISSED!" |
| 13336 | % |
| 13337 | The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important |
| 13338 | shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared |
| 13339 | to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many |
| 13340 | customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat |
| 13341 | next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and |
| 13342 | coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled |
| 13343 | herself for a few moments and then snapped, |
| 13344 | "I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public." |
| 13345 | "So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch." |
| 13346 | % |
| 13347 | The voters have spoken, the bastards... |
| 13348 | % |
| 13349 | The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing. |
| 13350 | % |
| 13351 | The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a |
| 13352 | hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily |
| 13353 | accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually. |
| 13354 | "I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden |
| 13355 | said. |
| 13356 | "I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The |
| 13357 | youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner. |
| 13358 | "That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against |
| 13359 | nature. The bully!" |
| 13360 | "Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened." |
| 13361 | "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same |
| 13362 | evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on |
| 13363 | Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since." |
| 13364 | % |
| 13365 | The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the |
| 13366 | absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum. |
| 13367 | -- Havelock Ellis |
| 13368 | % |
| 13369 | The wife of young Richard of Limerick |
| 13370 | Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick, |
| 13371 | Still grows in diameter |
| 13372 | Each time that you ram at her; |
| 13373 | How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?" |
| 13374 | % |
| 13375 | The woman who lives on the moon |
| 13376 | Is still cherishing the balloon |
| 13377 | Of an earthling who'd come |
| 13378 | And given her some, |
| 13379 | But had dribbled away all too soon. |
| 13380 | % |
| 13381 | The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great |
| 13382 | deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time. |
| 13383 | -- Balzac |
| 13384 | % |
| 13385 | The word `spine' is, of course, an anagram of `penis'. This is true in |
| 13386 | almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have |
| 13387 | attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in |
| 13388 | silly puns about "standing erect". |
| 13389 | % |
| 13390 | The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter |
| 13391 | Is not merely reading a meter. |
| 13392 | By orders of Kirk |
| 13393 | A part of his work |
| 13394 | Is dosing the food with saltpeter. |
| 13395 | % |
| 13396 | The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. |
| 13397 | % |
| 13398 | The world is so full of a number of things, |
| 13399 | I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. |
| 13400 | I'll tell you a story-- |
| 13401 | It won't take me long-- |
| 13402 | Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song. |
| 13403 | |
| 13404 | There was an old fellow and what do you think? |
| 13405 | He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink. |
| 13406 | He whacked it, he hacked it, |
| 13407 | He ate it with glee- |
| 13408 | Was there ever a fellow so happy as he? |
| 13409 | |
| 13410 | This charming old chap had a sister as well : |
| 13411 | She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell. |
| 13412 | Her cunt was so dirty |
| 13413 | It stank like a beast, |
| 13414 | And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast. |
| 13415 | |
| 13416 | What a wonderful family! What marvelous style! |
| 13417 | I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile. |
| 13418 | Their odor and diet |
| 13419 | Won't soon be forgotten, |
| 13420 | And one day you and I may be equally rotten. |
| 13421 | % |
| 13422 | The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her |
| 13423 | first visit home since starting college. |
| 13424 | "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity |
| 13425 | last weekend." |
| 13426 | "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner |
| 13427 | or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." |
| 13428 | "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight |
| 13429 | guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore." |
| 13430 | % |
| 13431 | The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the |
| 13432 | woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in |
| 13433 | his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis. |
| 13434 | "Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?" |
| 13435 | "Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't |
| 13436 | stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber." |
| 13437 | % |
| 13438 | Then there was the girl who was engaged |
| 13439 | to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off. |
| 13440 | % |
| 13441 | Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or |
| 13442 | swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses. |
| 13443 | % |
| 13444 | Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting |
| 13445 | for his girl's honor. It seems she wanted to keep it. |
| 13446 | % |
| 13447 | Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris. |
| 13448 | After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged |
| 13449 | for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he |
| 13450 | went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on |
| 13451 | well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American |
| 13452 | dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so |
| 13453 | they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the |
| 13454 | nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous |
| 13455 | babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door. |
| 13456 | "See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got |
| 13457 | for your lousy fifty bucks." |
| 13458 | % |
| 13459 | Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a |
| 13460 | brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom. They |
| 13461 | caught him when he came back for the brick. |
| 13462 | % |
| 13463 | There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire. |
| 13464 | % |
| 13465 | There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred, |
| 13466 | there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great, |
| 13467 | there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted, |
| 13468 | I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate. |
| 13469 | |
| 13470 | I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted, |
| 13471 | And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good. |
| 13472 | And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed, |
| 13473 | They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood. |
| 13474 | |
| 13475 | You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs, |
| 13476 | You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground. |
| 13477 | You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for |
| 13478 | You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found. |
| 13479 | ...Because... |
| 13480 | |
| 13481 | Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful, |
| 13482 | spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine. |
| 13483 | but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies, |
| 13484 | semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine. |
| 13485 | -- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred" |
| 13486 | % |
| 13487 | There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest. |
| 13488 | % |
| 13489 | There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of |
| 13490 | a bitch, you ate five of them. |
| 13491 | -- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for |
| 13492 | cannibalism in 1874. |
| 13493 | % |
| 13494 | There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them |
| 13495 | are having to take turns. |
| 13496 | -- T.K. |
| 13497 | % |
| 13498 | There are some things we mustn't expose, |
| 13499 | So we hide them away in our clothes. |
| 13500 | Oh, it's shocking to stare |
| 13501 | At what's certainly there-- |
| 13502 | But why this is so, heaven knows. |
| 13503 | % |
| 13504 | There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The |
| 13505 | president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so |
| 13506 | competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little |
| 13507 | test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their |
| 13508 | desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests |
| 13509 | in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the |
| 13510 | promotion? The one with the big tits! |
| 13511 | % |
| 13512 | There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. |
| 13513 | % |
| 13514 | There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day |
| 13515 | they notice a sapling half-way between them. |
| 13516 | One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!" |
| 13517 | "No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other. |
| 13518 | "A son of a BEECH!" |
| 13519 | "A son of a BIRCH!" |
| 13520 | "Son of a beech!" |
| 13521 | "Son of a birch!" |
| 13522 | |
| 13523 | The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what |
| 13524 | kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he tastes the beech and |
| 13525 | the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now, is that a son of a |
| 13526 | beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech. |
| 13527 | "You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash |
| 13528 | I've had my pecker in for a long time!" |
| 13529 | % |
| 13530 | There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a |
| 13531 | woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many. |
| 13532 | % |
| 13533 | There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- |
| 13534 | the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does. |
| 13535 | % |
| 13536 | There is a young faggot named Mose |
| 13537 | Who insists that you fuck his long nose. |
| 13538 | And you'll double the joy |
| 13539 | Of this lecherous boy |
| 13540 | If you'll tickle his balls with your toes. |
| 13541 | % |
| 13542 | There is a young lady named Aird, |
| 13543 | Whose bottom is always kept bared. |
| 13544 | When asked why she pouts, |
| 13545 | She says "The Boy Scouts, |
| 13546 | All beg me to please Be Prepared!" |
| 13547 | % |
| 13548 | There is nothing as overrated as a bad |
| 13549 | lay, or as underrated as a great shit. |
| 13550 | % |
| 13551 | There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight. |
| 13552 | Boring your friends about it is the sin. |
| 13553 | -- Mama Liz |
| 13554 | % |
| 13555 | There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass |
| 13556 | And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island. |
| 13557 | Where seagulls flew over their nest. |
| 13558 | She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders. |
| 13559 | And caused her to tickle and itch. |
| 13560 | The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid. |
| 13561 | A sittin' out there on the rocks." |
| 13562 | The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses. |
| 13563 | And crowded four deep to the rail. |
| 13564 | All eager to share in this fine piece of... news. |
| 13565 | ... |
| 13566 | "Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers. |
| 13567 | And soon we will certainly find |
| 13568 | If mermaids are better before or be... brave |
| 13569 | My dear fellows," The captain cried out. |
| 13570 | And cursing with spleen. |
| 13571 | This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean. |
| 13572 | -- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt |
| 13573 | % |
| 13574 | There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, |
| 13575 | glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the |
| 13576 | man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it |
| 13577 | and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the |
| 13578 | front page before discarding it?" |
| 13579 | The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries." |
| 13580 | "But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper." |
| 13581 | "Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will |
| 13582 | be on the front page." |
| 13583 | -- Attributed to FDR. |
| 13584 | % |
| 13585 | There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the |
| 13586 | driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?" |
| 13587 | He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat." |
| 13588 | And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty |
| 13589 | discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same |
| 13590 | question. |
| 13591 | The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat." |
| 13592 | And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off. Now he was |
| 13593 | downright confused when another car came along. The driver was an attractive |
| 13594 | lady, and she asked the same question. |
| 13595 | He answered: "I'm a Republican." |
| 13596 | And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in." |
| 13597 | They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her |
| 13598 | skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs. Finally, he couldn't take |
| 13599 | it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out. I've only been |
| 13600 | a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!" |
| 13601 | % |
| 13602 | There was a young tenor named Springer, |
| 13603 | Got his testicles caught in a wringer. |
| 13604 | He hollered in pain, |
| 13605 | As they rolled down the drain, |
| 13606 | "There goes my career as a singer!" |
| 13607 | % |
| 13608 | There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well, |
| 13609 | rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on", |
| 13610 | or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing |
| 13611 | the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. |
| 13612 | One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry |
| 13613 | tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, |
| 13614 | feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, |
| 13615 | but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to |
| 13616 | participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not |
| 13617 | in the mood for doing any laundry tonite." |
| 13618 | Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom |
| 13619 | and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living |
| 13620 | room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing |
| 13621 | some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small |
| 13622 | load!" |
| 13623 | % |
| 13624 | There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth- |
| 13625 | brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to |
| 13626 | follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such |
| 13627 | good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the |
| 13628 | corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the |
| 13629 | assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes |
| 13630 | and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them |
| 13631 | the following pitch. |
| 13632 | "Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand |
| 13633 | of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?" |
| 13634 | At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream |
| 13635 | in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!" |
| 13636 | The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a |
| 13637 | toothbrush?" |
| 13638 | % |
| 13639 | There was something about her I liked, |
| 13640 | but I couldn't put my finger on it. |
| 13641 | % |
| 13642 | There were the Scots |
| 13643 | Who kept the Sabbath |
| 13644 | And everything else they could lay their hands on. |
| 13645 | Then there were the Welsh |
| 13646 | Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. |
| 13647 | Thirdly there were the Irish |
| 13648 | Who never knew what they wanted |
| 13649 | But were willing to fight for it anyway. |
| 13650 | Lastly there were the English |
| 13651 | Who considered themselves a self-made nation |
| 13652 | Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. |
| 13653 | % |
| 13654 | There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me |
| 13655 | a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass? |
| 13656 | -- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends" |
| 13657 | % |
| 13658 | There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and |
| 13659 | treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your |
| 13660 | soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's |
| 13661 | not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What |
| 13662 | limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star |
| 13663 | in their own movie, let alone direct it. |
| 13664 | -- Bernard Mickey Wrangle |
| 13665 | % |
| 13666 | There's a vas deferens between men and women. |
| 13667 | % |
| 13668 | There's amnesia in a hangknot, |
| 13669 | And comfort in the ax, |
| 13670 | But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax. |
| 13671 | There's surcease in a gunshot, |
| 13672 | And sleep that comes from racks, |
| 13673 | But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax. |
| 13674 | You find rest on the hot squat, |
| 13675 | Or gas can give you pax, |
| 13676 | But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks. |
| 13677 | There's refuge in the church lot |
| 13678 | When you tire of facing facts, |
| 13679 | And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks. |
| 13680 | Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels, |
| 13681 | Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals -- |
| 13682 | But the pleasantest place to find your end |
| 13683 | Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend. |
| 13684 | -- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road" |
| 13685 | % |
| 13686 | There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip. |
| 13687 | % |
| 13688 | There's more than one way to skin a cat: |
| 13689 | Way #3 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. |
| 13690 | Way #27 -- Use an electric sander. |
| 13691 | Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. |
| 13692 | Way #33 -- A bicycle pump. |
| 13693 | % |
| 13694 | There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? |
| 13695 | A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. |
| 13696 | -- Billy Joel |
| 13697 | % |
| 13698 | There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. |
| 13699 | -- David Mairowitz |
| 13700 | % |
| 13701 | They ought to make butt-flavored cat food. |
| 13702 | -- Gallagher |
| 13703 | % |
| 13704 | They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the |
| 13705 | lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon- |
| 13706 | light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires. |
| 13707 | She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the |
| 13708 | barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her |
| 13709 | thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent |
| 13710 | she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his |
| 13711 | father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling, |
| 13712 | uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signaled her eagerness, |
| 13713 | spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and |
| 13714 | again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His |
| 13715 | mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her. |
| 13716 | "Dear God, what have I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes |
| 13717 | burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke. |
| 13718 | "Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!" |
| 13719 | % |
| 13720 | This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance. |
| 13721 | Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and |
| 13722 | took my Russian watch. |
| 13723 | Desk Sergeant: Come again? |
| 13724 | Czech: Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and |
| 13725 | took my Russian watch. |
| 13726 | DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who |
| 13727 | would want to own a Russian watch? It was a Russian soldier who |
| 13728 | knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right? |
| 13729 | Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me. |
| 13730 | % |
| 13731 | This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women |
| 13732 | stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, |
| 13733 | looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a |
| 13734 | stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly |
| 13735 | desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a |
| 13736 | one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he |
| 13737 | decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, |
| 13738 | and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the |
| 13739 | steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty. |
| 13740 | "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?" |
| 13741 | From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when |
| 13742 | the shit hit the fan?" |
| 13743 | % |
| 13744 | This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are |
| 13745 | really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells |
| 13746 | him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks |
| 13747 | the patient a week later. |
| 13748 | "I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the |
| 13749 | good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass." |
| 13750 | % |
| 13751 | This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two |
| 13752 | -- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th' |
| 13753 | other way... they stopped to talk... "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja |
| 13754 | git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight." |
| 13755 | "Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he. |
| 13756 | "Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!" |
| 13757 | "I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up |
| 13758 | to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all |
| 13759 | stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an' |
| 13760 | all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what? |
| 13761 | She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!" |
| 13762 | "Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff |
| 13763 | explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?" |
| 13764 | "Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does |
| 13765 | me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in." |
| 13766 | % |
| 13767 | This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller: |
| 13768 | |
| 13769 | Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." |
| 13770 | Teller: "Excuse me, sir?" |
| 13771 | M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account." |
| 13772 | T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language." |
| 13773 | M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account." |
| 13774 | T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager." |
| 13775 | |
| 13776 | The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank |
| 13777 | manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth. |
| 13778 | |
| 13779 | Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?" |
| 13780 | M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." |
| 13781 | Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request |
| 13782 | that you not use abusive language to our tellers." |
| 13783 | M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to |
| 13784 | open a fuckin' savings account!" |
| 13785 | Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?" |
| 13786 | % |
| 13787 | This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive. |
| 13788 | "My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds |
| 13789 | himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide |
| 13790 | except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says, |
| 13791 | "Do you always jog in the nude?" |
| 13792 | "Yes ma'am!" he replies. |
| 13793 | "Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks. |
| 13794 | "Yes ma'am!" he replies. |
| 13795 | "Do you always wear a condom?" |
| 13796 | "Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains." |
| 13797 | % |
| 13798 | This here's the wattle |
| 13799 | The emblem of our land |
| 13800 | You can stick it in a bottle |
| 13801 | Or you can hold it in your hand. |
| 13802 | -- Monty Python |
| 13803 | % |
| 13804 | This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He |
| 13805 | obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks |
| 13806 | and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging |
| 13807 | off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an |
| 13808 | affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging |
| 13809 | on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its |
| 13810 | tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole. |
| 13811 | "What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed. |
| 13812 | "Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors. |
| 13813 | "Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?" |
| 13814 | "Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy. |
| 13815 | % |
| 13816 | This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. |
| 13817 | If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it! |
| 13818 | % |
| 13819 | This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. |
| 13820 | % |
| 13821 | This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. |
| 13822 | So I'll put in "di-dah" for the filthy words. |
| 13823 | |
| 13824 | Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, |
| 13825 | Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; |
| 13826 | Di-dah di-dah di-dah? |
| 13827 | Di-dah di-dah di-dah. |
| 13828 | Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. |
| 13829 | % |
| 13830 | This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would |
| 13831 | stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night, |
| 13832 | the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be |
| 13833 | with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it |
| 13834 | off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his |
| 13835 | mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning. |
| 13836 | During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's |
| 13837 | prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his |
| 13838 | prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer." |
| 13839 | Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening |
| 13840 | weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to |
| 13841 | bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the |
| 13842 | news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series |
| 13843 | of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month |
| 13844 | later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't |
| 13845 | be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was |
| 13846 | going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake |
| 13847 | and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing |
| 13848 | a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying |
| 13849 | dead on the doorstep, was the milkman. |
| 13850 | % |
| 13851 | This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore. |
| 13852 | % |
| 13853 | This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00. |
| 13854 | % |
| 13855 | THORNY: |
| 13856 | A thailor at thea. |
| 13857 | % |
| 13858 | Thou shalt not omit adultery. |
| 13859 | % |
| 13860 | Thought: |
| 13861 | Girls get minks the same way minks get minks! |
| 13862 | % |
| 13863 | Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at |
| 13864 | the local brewery. One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one |
| 13865 | of the beer vats and drowned. O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen, |
| 13866 | had to break the news to his wife. |
| 13867 | They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her |
| 13868 | poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day. Choking back her |
| 13869 | tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?" |
| 13870 | "I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take |
| 13871 | a piss." |
| 13872 | % |
| 13873 | Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would |
| 13874 | be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending |
| 13875 | over in their tight pants. |
| 13876 | "Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little |
| 13877 | costumes, and think of the holds." |
| 13878 | "Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be |
| 13879 | pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper |
| 13880 | right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys |
| 13881 | rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, |
| 13882 | `Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!" |
| 13883 | % |
| 13884 | Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and |
| 13885 | a bowl of Wheaties. |
| 13886 | -- Richard Pryor |
| 13887 | % |
| 13888 | Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools, |
| 13889 | and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and |
| 13890 | women will take a little longer. |
| 13891 | -- Spiro Agnew |
| 13892 | % |
| 13893 | Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, |
| 13894 | however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except |
| 13895 | for Laurie's. Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains. |
| 13896 | So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes |
| 13897 | on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it |
| 13898 | never rains when you have your laundry out?" |
| 13899 | "Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out |
| 13900 | my husband Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's |
| 13901 | going to be a great day. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know |
| 13902 | it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!" |
| 13903 | "Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman. |
| 13904 | "Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry." |
| 13905 | % |
| 13906 | Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the |
| 13907 | better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was |
| 13908 | going to test their ability at situation reasoning. |
| 13909 | "Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft |
| 13910 | alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several |
| 13911 | sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid |
| 13912 | the problem?" |
| 13913 | "I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and |
| 13914 | flee," said the first girl. |
| 13915 | "I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded |
| 13916 | the second woman. |
| 13917 | "Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation, |
| 13918 | but I fail to see the problem." |
| 13919 | % |
| 13920 | three-bag ugly, adj: |
| 13921 | That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your |
| 13922 | head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep |
| 13923 | it from howling. |
| 13924 | |
| 13925 | four-bag ugly, adj: |
| 13926 | When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by. |
| 13927 | % |
| 13928 | Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner. |
| 13929 | You seriously consider the job because it gives you: |
| 13930 | |
| 13931 | 1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches. |
| 13932 | 2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges. |
| 13933 | 3: Free blood. |
| 13934 | 4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at |
| 13935 | all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia. |
| 13936 | % |
| 13937 | Tim and I a hunting went |
| 13938 | We found three damsels in a tent, |
| 13939 | As they were three, and we were two, |
| 13940 | I bucked one and Timbuktu. |
| 13941 | -- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu" |
| 13942 | % |
| 13943 | 'Tis the dream of each programmer, |
| 13944 | Before his life is done, |
| 13945 | To write three lines of APL, |
| 13946 | And make the damn things run. |
| 13947 | % |
| 13948 | To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. |
| 13949 | % |
| 13950 | To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs. |
| 13951 | % |
| 13952 | To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and |
| 13953 | then somehow get her clothes back on her. Finally, so she will allow you |
| 13954 | to leave her, you've got to annoy her. |
| 13955 | -- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38" |
| 13956 | % |
| 13957 | Today is gonna be one helluva week! |
| 13958 | % |
| 13959 | Todays title: |
| 13960 | Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships |
| 13961 | % |
| 13962 | Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang. |
| 13963 | -- An American astronaut |
| 13964 | % |
| 13965 | tourist, n: |
| 13966 | A pretty girl in Oklahoma. |
| 13967 | % |
| 13968 | Tourist to New Yorker: |
| 13969 | "Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I |
| 13970 | just go fuck myself?" |
| 13971 | % |
| 13972 | transvestite, n: |
| 13973 | Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. |
| 13974 | % |
| 13975 | Tri Delts; everyone else has. |
| 13976 | % |
| 13977 | TRUST: |
| 13978 | Two cannibals having oral sex. |
| 13979 | % |
| 13980 | trust me: |
| 13981 | Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse |
| 13982 | she rode in on." |
| 13983 | % |
| 13984 | T-shirt of the Day: |
| 13985 | Head for the Mountains |
| 13986 | -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer |
| 13987 | |
| 13988 | Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background): |
| 13989 | If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch! |
| 13990 | -- courtesy someone else |
| 13991 | % |
| 13992 | T-shirt of the Day: |
| 13993 | |
| 13994 | See Dick Drink... |
| 13995 | See Dick Drive... |
| 13996 | See Dick Die. |
| 13997 | DON'T BE A DICK. |
| 13998 | % |
| 13999 | T-shirt of the Week: |
| 14000 | I'm not excited, I'm cold! |
| 14001 | % |
| 14002 | 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod |
| 14003 | Did groove and trip out at the pad: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! |
| 14004 | All whimsy were the slamming chicks, The looks that mell, the claws that |
| 14005 | And the Radcliffe undergrad. catch! |
| 14006 | Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun |
| 14007 | He took his venerable staff in hand: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" |
| 14008 | Long time the cool young stuff he |
| 14009 | sought -- And as in raffish thought he sprawled, |
| 14010 | So rested he among the spree The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, |
| 14011 | And paused to smoke some pot. Crept past the hippies getting balled |
| 14012 | And doffed her miniskirt. |
| 14013 | One, two! One, two! And through |
| 14014 | and through "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? |
| 14015 | The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Come to my arms, my horny boy! |
| 14016 | He left her bred, sans maidenhead, O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" |
| 14017 | And went galumphing back. He cackled in his joy. |
| 14018 | |
| 14019 | 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod |
| 14020 | Did groove and trip out at the pad: |
| 14021 | All whimsy were the slamming chicks, |
| 14022 | And the Radcliffe undergrad. |
| 14023 | % |
| 14024 | Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but |
| 14025 | twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building. |
| 14026 | -- Wilde |
| 14027 | % |
| 14028 | Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. |
| 14029 | The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other |
| 14030 | side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold |
| 14031 | watch. |
| 14032 | The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what |
| 14033 | they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and |
| 14034 | so they trade. |
| 14035 | That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him |
| 14036 | looking at his new watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks. |
| 14037 | The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top. "Whatta |
| 14038 | you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!" |
| 14039 | "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day |
| 14040 | you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta |
| 14041 | you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'" |
| 14042 | % |
| 14043 | Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked. |
| 14044 | "Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked. |
| 14045 | "No, old man, what about him?" |
| 14046 | "Last seen in Africa, you know." |
| 14047 | "No, I didn't." |
| 14048 | "Yes. Appalling. Ran off with a gorilla. Fallen in love." |
| 14049 | "Queer." |
| 14050 | "Not Chumley. Female gorilla." |
| 14051 | % |
| 14052 | Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them |
| 14053 | whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed |
| 14054 | like hours. |
| 14055 | "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward |
| 14056 | the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel |
| 14057 | and went back to where his companion was waiting. |
| 14058 | "Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife |
| 14059 | and the other's my mistress!" |
| 14060 | "I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back |
| 14061 | before reaching the green. |
| 14062 | "What's wrong?" Bill asked. |
| 14063 | "Small world, isn't it?" |
| 14064 | % |
| 14065 | Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island - |
| 14066 | |
| 14067 | Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she |
| 14068 | had been doing, she committed suicide. |
| 14069 | |
| 14070 | Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they |
| 14071 | had been doing, they buried her. |
| 14072 | |
| 14073 | Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they |
| 14074 | had been doing, they dug her back up. |
| 14075 | % |
| 14076 | Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line. One |
| 14077 | boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!" |
| 14078 | "Three times!", replies his friend. "How did you do it?" |
| 14079 | "Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the |
| 14080 | alarm clock for two hours later. When it went off we made love again. |
| 14081 | Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came |
| 14082 | to work. I feel like a bull!" |
| 14083 | His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic! I'm going to have |
| 14084 | to give it a try." So, he goes home that night and makes love to his |
| 14085 | wife. Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off |
| 14086 | to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love |
| 14087 | again. Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third |
| 14088 | time. Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late |
| 14089 | for work. He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway. When |
| 14090 | he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting. |
| 14091 | "Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've |
| 14092 | never been late before. You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!" |
| 14093 | "Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes |
| 14094 | that had me worried. Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..." |
| 14095 | % |
| 14096 | Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd |
| 14097 | lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could |
| 14098 | do that." |
| 14099 | The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you |
| 14100 | ought to get to know him a little first." |
| 14101 | % |
| 14102 | Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother |
| 14103 | Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse |
| 14104 | me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?" |
| 14105 | Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget |
| 14106 | nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply |
| 14107 | was no. |
| 14108 | The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin' |
| 14109 | your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at |
| 14110 | all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head. |
| 14111 | At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand |
| 14112 | on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!" |
| 14113 | % |
| 14114 | Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from |
| 14115 | church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the |
| 14116 | nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother |
| 14117 | superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her |
| 14118 | strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not |
| 14119 | what he does!" |
| 14120 | To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!" |
| 14121 | % |
| 14122 | Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other |
| 14123 | that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love |
| 14124 | with her. |
| 14125 | The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old |
| 14126 | as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and |
| 14127 | make love to your wife?" |
| 14128 | The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make |
| 14129 | love every day." |
| 14130 | "You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?" |
| 14131 | "Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home. |
| 14132 | The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself |
| 14133 | pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby |
| 14134 | bakery. |
| 14135 | Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock |
| 14136 | of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want |
| 14137 | all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it |
| 14138 | will get hard?" |
| 14139 | "How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?" |
| 14140 | % |
| 14141 | Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital |
| 14142 | were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that |
| 14143 | went along these lines: |
| 14144 | (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'" |
| 14145 | (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'" |
| 14146 | and this continued for quite sometime. |
| 14147 | Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is |
| 14148 | 'womb'" and trotted off. |
| 14149 | (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows." |
| 14150 | (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus, |
| 14151 | let alone heard one fart underwater." |
| 14152 | % |
| 14153 | Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking. One of them has a |
| 14154 | hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch. The other pirate has a wooden |
| 14155 | leg. Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their |
| 14156 | injuries. |
| 14157 | "One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant |
| 14158 | vessel and were boarding her. I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with |
| 14159 | a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off. So I had this hook put |
| 14160 | on. How did you lose your leg?" |
| 14161 | "From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a |
| 14162 | terrific battle off the coast of France. And how about your eye?" |
| 14163 | "Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate. |
| 14164 | "Come on," says the second pirate. "It doesn't matter after all |
| 14165 | these years, does it?" |
| 14166 | "Oh, okay," says the first pirate. "See, it's pretty embarrassing; |
| 14167 | a seagull shit in my eye." |
| 14168 | "A seagull!? I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why |
| 14169 | you would *lose* the eye..." |
| 14170 | "But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook." |
| 14171 | % |
| 14172 | Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat |
| 14173 | in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor. "Do they eat dogs in America?" |
| 14174 | one asked his companion. |
| 14175 | "I don't know." |
| 14176 | "Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat |
| 14177 | American foods." |
| 14178 | So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat |
| 14179 | them on a nearby park bench. One man looked inside his wax paper, then over |
| 14180 | at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?" |
| 14181 | % |
| 14182 | Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that |
| 14183 | cute French horn player? What ever happened to him?" |
| 14184 | "Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but, |
| 14185 | I must admit, we've had some problems." |
| 14186 | "Problems? What's wrong?" |
| 14187 | "You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he |
| 14188 | wants to shove his fist up my ass." |
| 14189 | % |
| 14190 | Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily |
| 14191 | disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young |
| 14192 | men remarked to his friend, |
| 14193 | "Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being |
| 14194 | good for a man's virility?" |
| 14195 | "Yes, why?" the friend replied. |
| 14196 | "Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a |
| 14197 | dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked." |
| 14198 | % |
| 14199 | Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass |
| 14200 | S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress; |
| 14201 | "La vie religieuse, "The religious life |
| 14202 | C'est sale et affreuse," Is dirty and horrid," |
| 14203 | Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass. |
| 14204 | -- Edward Gorey |
| 14205 | % |
| 14206 | Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a |
| 14207 | bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating. |
| 14208 | % |
| 14209 | Unfair animal names: |
| 14210 | |
| 14211 | -- tsetse fly -- bullhead |
| 14212 | -- booby -- duck-billed platypus |
| 14213 | -- sapsucker -- Clarence |
| 14214 | -- Gary Larson |
| 14215 | % |
| 14216 | Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern". |
| 14217 | % |
| 14218 | Unix programmers do it with pipes. |
| 14219 | % |
| 14220 | Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting |
| 14221 | on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby. Because he'd |
| 14222 | had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow |
| 14223 | man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was. |
| 14224 | "I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my |
| 14225 | wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch." |
| 14226 | "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to |
| 14227 | muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her |
| 14228 | back." |
| 14229 | "Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling. |
| 14230 | "You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you |
| 14231 | love her," sympathized the executive. |
| 14232 | "No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm |
| 14233 | thirsty again." |
| 14234 | % |
| 14235 | U.S. of A.: |
| 14236 | "Don't speak to the bus driver." |
| 14237 | Germany: |
| 14238 | "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver." |
| 14239 | England: |
| 14240 | "You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver." |
| 14241 | Scotland: |
| 14242 | "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?" |
| 14243 | Italy: |
| 14244 | "Don't answer the driver." |
| 14245 | % |
| 14246 | Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: |
| 14247 | |
| 14248 | AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN. |
| 14249 | Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. |
| 14250 | |
| 14251 | FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. |
| 14252 | I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down |
| 14253 | on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. |
| 14254 | |
| 14255 | SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE. |
| 14256 | I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. |
| 14257 | % |
| 14258 | Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: |
| 14259 | |
| 14260 | AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST. |
| 14261 | It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to |
| 14262 | travel in the trunk of your car. |
| 14263 | |
| 14264 | FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO |
| 14265 | GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN. |
| 14266 | If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital |
| 14267 | appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my |
| 14268 | country in public. |
| 14269 | |
| 14270 | KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY. |
| 14271 | I will tell you the names and addresses of |
| 14272 | many American spies traveling as reporters. |
| 14273 | % |
| 14274 | Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: |
| 14275 | |
| 14276 | MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM. |
| 14277 | It is with greatest pleasure that I sign |
| 14278 | this confession of capital crimes. |
| 14279 | |
| 14280 | MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN. |
| 14281 | The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency. |
| 14282 | |
| 14283 | TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. |
| 14284 | The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. |
| 14285 | I must have the recipe. |
| 14286 | |
| 14287 | ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE |
| 14288 | DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ. |
| 14289 | Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed |
| 14290 | self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs. |
| 14291 | % |
| 14292 | USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- |
| 14293 | massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and |
| 14294 | a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least |
| 14295 | expect it. |
| 14296 | -- Gene Spafford |
| 14297 | % |
| 14298 | User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with. |
| 14299 | Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to |
| 14300 | upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte |
| 14301 | sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should |
| 14302 | be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is |
| 14303 | looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as |
| 14304 | well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files |
| 14305 | permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software |
| 14306 | is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before |
| 14307 | completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day... |
| 14308 | especially if special features and options are utilized. |
| 14309 | % |
| 14310 | vagina, n: |
| 14311 | The box a penis comes in. |
| 14312 | % |
| 14313 | vaginal lubricant, n: |
| 14314 | A slitty slicker. |
| 14315 | % |
| 14316 | Vandalism On The Upswing! |
| 14317 | Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the |
| 14318 | front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred |
| 14319 | dollars in damage. In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional |
| 14320 | wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility. |
| 14321 | % |
| 14322 | Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope. |
| 14323 | % |
| 14324 | Vd, n: |
| 14325 | The gift that keeps on giving. |
| 14326 | % |
| 14327 | Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the |
| 14328 | ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection. |
| 14329 | Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really, |
| 14330 | it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open |
| 14331 | to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never. |
| 14332 | -- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire" |
| 14333 | % |
| 14334 | Vidi, vici, veni. |
| 14335 | (I saw, I conquered, I came.) |
| 14336 | % |
| 14337 | Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her |
| 14338 | back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep |
| 14339 | with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put |
| 14340 | an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force. |
| 14341 | You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with |
| 14342 | less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and |
| 14343 | you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight. Why "Viennese" we don't |
| 14344 | know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure |
| 14345 | for both. |
| 14346 | -- The Joy of Sex |
| 14347 | % |
| 14348 | virgin, n: |
| 14349 | An ugly third grader. |
| 14350 | % |
| 14351 | Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life, |
| 14352 | which takes but one prick to break. |
| 14353 | -- Jordan Sand |
| 14354 | % |
| 14355 | VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22) |
| 14356 | Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and |
| 14357 | assholes; birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People |
| 14358 | will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the |
| 14359 | paranoid neurotic that you are. Your dentures are loose. |
| 14360 | % |
| 14361 | Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a |
| 14362 | divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." |
| 14363 | What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge |
| 14364 | in unusual sex practices?" |
| 14365 | "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little |
| 14366 | queer." |
| 14367 | % |
| 14368 | VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? |
| 14369 | % |
| 14370 | W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe... |
| 14371 | but you sure as hell can see it from there! |
| 14372 | % |
| 14373 | Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi. |
| 14374 | % |
| 14375 | War is menstruation envy. |
| 14376 | % |
| 14377 | Was it you that did the pushin', |
| 14378 | Left the stains upon the cushion, |
| 14379 | The footprints on the dashboard upside-down? |
| 14380 | Was it you, you little pecker, |
| 14381 | That got into my Rebecca, |
| 14382 | If you did, you'd better leave this town! |
| 14383 | |
| 14384 | Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin', |
| 14385 | Left the stains upon the cushion, |
| 14386 | Footprints on the dashboard upside-down. |
| 14387 | But since I stuck your daughter, |
| 14388 | I've had trouble passin' water, |
| 14389 | So I guess we're kind of even all around! |
| 14390 | % |
| 14391 | wasp, n: |
| 14392 | Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss. |
| 14393 | % |
| 14394 | Watch out for a cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.) |
| 14395 | % |
| 14396 | Watching girls go passing by |
| 14397 | It ain't the latest thing |
| 14398 | I'm just standing in a doorway |
| 14399 | I'm just trying to make some sense |
| 14400 | Out of these girls passing by A smile relieves the heart that grieves |
| 14401 | The tales they tell of men Remember what I said |
| 14402 | I'm not waiting on a lady I'm not waiting on a lady |
| 14403 | I'm just waiting on a friend I'm just waiting on a friend |
| 14404 | ... |
| 14405 | Don't need a whore |
| 14406 | Don't need no booze |
| 14407 | Don't need a virgin priest Ooh, making love and breaking hearts |
| 14408 | But I need someone I can cry to It is a game for youth |
| 14409 | I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady |
| 14410 | I'm just waiting on a friend |
| 14411 | I'm just waiting on a friend |
| 14412 | -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend" |
| 14413 | % |
| 14414 | Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it. |
| 14415 | -- W.C. Fields |
| 14416 | % |
| 14417 | We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything |
| 14418 | we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain |
| 14419 | inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and |
| 14420 | when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's |
| 14421 | only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your |
| 14422 | Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God, |
| 14423 | he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die |
| 14424 | and stink to Heaven. |
| 14425 | -- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson |
| 14426 | % |
| 14427 | We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb |
| 14428 | your cities. |
| 14429 | -- Robin Williams |
| 14430 | % |
| 14431 | We are upping our standards ... so up yours. |
| 14432 | -- Pat Paulsen for President |
| 14433 | % |
| 14434 | We aren't what we eat. We are what we don't shit. |
| 14435 | -- Hugh Romney |
| 14436 | % |
| 14437 | We boggies are a hairy folk Ever hungry, ever thirsting, |
| 14438 | Who like to eat until we choke. Never stop till belly's bursting. |
| 14439 | Loving all like friend and brother, Chewing chop and pork and muttons, |
| 14440 | And hardly ever eat each other. A merry race of boring gluttons. |
| 14441 | |
| 14442 | Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE. |
| 14443 | |
| 14444 | Boggies gather 'round the table, Anything edible, we've got dibs on, |
| 14445 | Eat as much as you are able. And hope we all die with our bibs on. |
| 14446 | Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up, |
| 14447 | (Don't forget your plate and spoon.) Come! And sing and play and throw-up! |
| 14448 | |
| 14449 | Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE! |
| 14450 | -- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem" |
| 14451 | % |
| 14452 | We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. |
| 14453 | % |
| 14454 | We came, we saw, we kicked its ass! |
| 14455 | -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" |
| 14456 | % |
| 14457 | We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. |
| 14458 | -- James Watt, noted ecologist |
| 14459 | % |
| 14460 | We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs |
| 14461 | with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone, |
| 14462 | and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to |
| 14463 | fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's |
| 14464 | called civilization and its discontents. |
| 14465 | -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" |
| 14466 | % |
| 14467 | We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free |
| 14468 | his hands for masturbation. |
| 14469 | -- Lily Tomlin |
| 14470 | % |
| 14471 | We must! We must! |
| 14472 | We must increase our bust! |
| 14473 | The bigger the better! |
| 14474 | The tighter the sweater! |
| 14475 | And the boys will think more of us! |
| 14476 | % |
| 14477 | We sailed on the good ship Venus, |
| 14478 | My God, you should have seen us |
| 14479 | With a figurehead |
| 14480 | Of a whore in bed |
| 14481 | And the mast an upright penis |
| 14482 | |
| 14483 | The captain of the lugger |
| 14484 | Was known as a filthy bugger |
| 14485 | Declared unfit |
| 14486 | To shovel shit |
| 14487 | From one ship to another |
| 14488 | |
| 14489 | The first mate's name was Cooper, |
| 14490 | By god he was a trooper |
| 14491 | He jerked and jerked |
| 14492 | Until he worked |
| 14493 | Himself into a stupor |
| 14494 | |
| 14495 | The cabin boy was chipper, |
| 14496 | A dandy little nipper |
| 14497 | He shoved cracked glass |
| 14498 | Inside his ass |
| 14499 | And circumcised the skipper |
| 14500 | |
| 14501 | The captain's wife was Charlotte, |
| 14502 | Born and bred a harlot |
| 14503 | Her thighs at night |
| 14504 | Were lily white |
| 14505 | By morning they were scarlet |
| 14506 | |
| 14507 | The captain's youngest daughter |
| 14508 | Slipped into the water |
| 14509 | Her plaintive squeals |
| 14510 | Announced that eels |
| 14511 | Had found her sexual quarter |
| 14512 | |
| 14513 | The ship's dog's name was Rover, |
| 14514 | They turned the poor beast over |
| 14515 | And ground and ground |
| 14516 | That faithful hound |
| 14517 | From Tenerief to Dover |
| 14518 | % |
| 14519 | We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed. |
| 14520 | -- Groucho Marx |
| 14521 | % |
| 14522 | We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, |
| 14523 | Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, |
| 14524 | I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, |
| 14525 | And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! |
| 14526 | (chorus) (chorus) |
| 14527 | |
| 14528 | In the church of Aphrodite, |
| 14529 | The priestess wears a see through nightie, |
| 14530 | She's a mighty righteous sightie, |
| 14531 | And she's good enough for me! |
| 14532 | (chorus) |
| 14533 | |
| 14534 | CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, |
| 14535 | Give me that old time religion, |
| 14536 | Give me that old time religion, |
| 14537 | 'Cause it's good enough for me! |
| 14538 | % |
| 14539 | Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends! |
| 14540 | We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside! |
| 14541 | There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass, |
| 14542 | Be careful as you pass, move along, move along. |
| 14543 | Come inside, the show's about to start, |
| 14544 | Guaranteed to blow your head apart. |
| 14545 | Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth, |
| 14546 | Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth! |
| 14547 | You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo! |
| 14548 | You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll! |
| 14549 | -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) |
| 14550 | % |
| 14551 | Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!! |
| 14552 | Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known |
| 14553 | banker in Houston, Texas. That's $5000, please, to stop |
| 14554 | us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that |
| 14555 | your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice |
| 14556 | and Tom need never know the name of your mistress. You |
| 14557 | have two days to reach us at: |
| 14558 | |
| 14559 | Fortune Blackmail |
| 14560 | Behind the hot water pipes, |
| 14561 | Third stall from the end, |
| 14562 | Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO. |
| 14563 | % |
| 14564 | Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!! |
| 14565 | This is the first of a series of revelations which could |
| 14566 | add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible |
| 14567 | criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia. |
| 14568 | So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing: |
| 14569 | 1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on. |
| 14570 | 2: What you were doing. |
| 14571 | 3: The names of the three people involved. |
| 14572 | 4: The youth organization to which they belonged. |
| 14573 | 5: The shop where you bought the equipment. |
| 14574 | % |
| 14575 | Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're |
| 14576 | not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself |
| 14577 | up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're |
| 14578 | always around. Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class |
| 14579 | joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap |
| 14580 | y'know. Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some |
| 14581 | provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house, |
| 14582 | y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on, |
| 14583 | mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not |
| 14584 | too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say, |
| 14585 | "Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that |
| 14586 | romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself |
| 14587 | up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little |
| 14588 | something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back |
| 14589 | records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the |
| 14590 | morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way |
| 14591 | around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way |
| 14592 | around it. I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird |
| 14593 | about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda |
| 14594 | spend a little time with myself. |
| 14595 | -- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner" |
| 14596 | % |
| 14597 | Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse |
| 14598 | By all of the lads in his class |
| 14599 | He said, with a yawn, |
| 14600 | "Now the novelty's gone |
| 14601 | And it's only a pain in the ass." |
| 14602 | % |
| 14603 | Well, God gave me a bust. What am I supposed to do with it? |
| 14604 | -- Martha Mitchell |
| 14605 | % |
| 14606 | Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best, |
| 14607 | Excitable boy, they all said! |
| 14608 | And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest, |
| 14609 | Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) |
| 14610 | |
| 14611 | He took in the 4am show at the Clark, |
| 14612 | Excitable boy, they all said! |
| 14613 | And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark, |
| 14614 | Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) |
| 14615 | |
| 14616 | He took little Susie to the junior prom, |
| 14617 | Excitable boy, they all said! |
| 14618 | And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home, |
| 14619 | Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy!) |
| 14620 | |
| 14621 | After ten long years they let him out of the home, |
| 14622 | Excitable boy, they all said! |
| 14623 | And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones, |
| 14624 | Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) |
| 14625 | -- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy" |
| 14626 | % |
| 14627 | Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come, |
| 14628 | I hope they comin' for me! |
| 14629 | And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good, |
| 14630 | I hope they doin' it for free! |
| 14631 | They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever! |
| 14632 | First time that I got it I was just ten years old, |
| 14633 | Got it from the kitty next door... |
| 14634 | I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure, |
| 14635 | I think I got it some more! |
| 14636 | Got a bad scratch fever... |
| 14637 | -- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever" |
| 14638 | % |
| 14639 | "Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp, |
| 14640 | "And told my wife to try it on top. |
| 14641 | She bounced for an hour, |
| 14642 | Till she ran out of power, |
| 14643 | And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." |
| 14644 | % |
| 14645 | Well, I went to a party, and what did they do? |
| 14646 | They took off their socks and they took off their shoes. |
| 14647 | They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants, |
| 14648 | I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance. |
| 14649 | |
| 14650 | Everybody, everybody's ass was bare, |
| 14651 | No bras left, just a queer over there. |
| 14652 | But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit; |
| 14653 | I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit. |
| 14654 | |
| 14655 | My baby's not a sports fan, |
| 14656 | But she plays with balls whenever she can. |
| 14657 | 'Cause her favorite sport you see, |
| 14658 | Is playing tonsil hockey. |
| 14659 | [chorus] |
| 14660 | Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew; |
| 14661 | Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw. |
| 14662 | Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit; |
| 14663 | Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit. |
| 14664 | -- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song" |
| 14665 | % |
| 14666 | Well, I'd left home just a week before, |
| 14667 | And I'd never ever kissed a woman before, |
| 14668 | But Lola smiled and took me by the hand, |
| 14669 | And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!' |
| 14670 | Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man, |
| 14671 | But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola. |
| 14672 | La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola... Lola. |
| 14673 | -- The Kinks |
| 14674 | % |
| 14675 | Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke |
| 14676 | down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour. Hoping to |
| 14677 | find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse. When she was unable to find |
| 14678 | a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of |
| 14679 | beds, she could sleep with his daughter. The daughter proved to eighteen |
| 14680 | and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman |
| 14681 | rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware |
| 14682 | that some women like... to be with... other women. Let me be frank..." |
| 14683 | "No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly. "This time *I* want to |
| 14684 | be Frank!" |
| 14685 | % |
| 14686 | "Well, madam," the bishop declared, |
| 14687 | While the vicar just mumbled and stared, |
| 14688 | "'Twere better, perhaps, |
| 14689 | In the crypt or the apse, |
| 14690 | Because sex in the nave must be shared." |
| 14691 | % |
| 14692 | Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her |
| 14693 | back to the wall. |
| 14694 | -- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems |
| 14695 | |
| 14696 | Eat shit and die. Strong memo to follow. |
| 14697 | -- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems |
| 14698 | % |
| 14699 | Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and |
| 14700 | she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked |
| 14701 | her twice and slapped her. |
| 14702 | % |
| 14703 | Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had |
| 14704 | my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely |
| 14705 | you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! |
| 14706 | % |
| 14707 | Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly |
| 14708 | backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will |
| 14709 | experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique, |
| 14710 | though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will get around about |
| 14711 | your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners. |
| 14712 | So try to be discreet. I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but |
| 14713 | that's a matter of personal preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup, |
| 14714 | or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to |
| 14715 | distract the quail. You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb |
| 14716 | tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for |
| 14717 | awhile. |
| 14718 | % |
| 14719 | Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick |
| 14720 | a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse. |
| 14721 | -- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984 |
| 14722 | % |
| 14723 | Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poor reptile |
| 14724 | and not very much of a bird. |
| 14725 | -- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a |
| 14726 | zoologist who has studied the archeopteryx and found it |
| 14727 | "very much like people". |
| 14728 | % |
| 14729 | Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and |
| 14730 | a rabbi who lived near each other. One summer afternoon the priest went out |
| 14731 | and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone, |
| 14732 | did the same. |
| 14733 | The next day the priest went out and blessed his car. The minister |
| 14734 | hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool. The rabbi, after |
| 14735 | thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end |
| 14736 | of the tail pipe. |
| 14737 | % |
| 14738 | We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk |
| 14739 | philosophy, executing both with confidence and style. |
| 14740 | % |
| 14741 | Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms |
| 14742 | of a chambermaid as a duchess. |
| 14743 | -- Dr. Johnson |
| 14744 | % |
| 14745 | wet dream, n: |
| 14746 | Overnight sensation. |
| 14747 | % |
| 14748 | We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but |
| 14749 | divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night |
| 14750 | but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people realize is that the |
| 14751 | poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering |
| 14752 | "I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!" |
| 14753 | % |
| 14754 | "We've got things well in hand." |
| 14755 | -- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California. |
| 14756 | % |
| 14757 | We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the |
| 14758 | various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According |
| 14759 | to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and |
| 14760 | 3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home. |
| 14761 | % |
| 14762 | What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how |
| 14763 | she would look without them. |
| 14764 | -- Brendan Francis |
| 14765 | % |
| 14766 | What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep, |
| 14767 | I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but |
| 14768 | my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change. |
| 14769 | % |
| 14770 | What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant? |
| 14771 | "I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..." |
| 14772 | |
| 14773 | Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy... |
| 14774 | % |
| 14775 | What do hookers do on their nights off, type? |
| 14776 | -- Elayn Boosler |
| 14777 | % |
| 14778 | What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea? |
| 14779 | An incurable romantic. |
| 14780 | % |
| 14781 | What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more |
| 14782 | sex than you are. |
| 14783 | -- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81", |
| 14784 | by N. Mackwood |
| 14785 | % |
| 14786 | What the fuck, over? |
| 14787 | % |
| 14788 | What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. |
| 14789 | % |
| 14790 | What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll. |
| 14791 | % |
| 14792 | What with chromodynamics and electroweak too |
| 14793 | Our Standardized Model should please even you, |
| 14794 | Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none |
| 14795 | It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun. |
| 14796 | Yet your state of the union penultimate large |
| 14797 | Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge, |
| 14798 | And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll |
| 14799 | Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole. |
| 14800 | Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back |
| 14801 | For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track, |
| 14802 | But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude |
| 14803 | Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed. |
| 14804 | Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more, |
| 14805 | You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore, |
| 14806 | That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere |
| 14807 | Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear |
| 14808 | Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta |
| 14809 | Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later. |
| 14810 | -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984 |
| 14811 | % |
| 14812 | What you mean, how old am I? About one hundred! But Viennese answer is |
| 14813 | better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows." This is an old joke. |
| 14814 | There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he |
| 14815 | did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart |
| 14816 | on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box. |
| 14817 | Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!" I hear his |
| 14818 | funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had |
| 14819 | supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs |
| 14820 | make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this, too: it is hard work |
| 14821 | and great art to make life not so serious. |
| 14822 | -- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire" |
| 14823 | % |
| 14824 | Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay. |
| 14825 | % |
| 14826 | What's on the floor of the old hen-house? |
| 14827 | Doo-doo, doo-doo. |
| 14828 | -- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies" |
| 14829 | % |
| 14830 | What's the worst thing about being an atheist? |
| 14831 | Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm. |
| 14832 | % |
| 14833 | When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move. |
| 14834 | % |
| 14835 | When a man grows old and his balls |
| 14836 | grow cold, So find me a seat and stand me a drink |
| 14837 | And the end of his knob turns blue; And a tale to you I'll tell |
| 14838 | When it's bent in the middle like a Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete |
| 14839 | one-string fiddle, And the gentle Eskimo Nell. |
| 14840 | He can tell a tale or two. |
| 14841 | |
| 14842 | When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete |
| 14843 | Go out in search of fun, And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete |
| 14844 | It's usually Dick who wields the prick Are sore, depressed, and mad, |
| 14845 | And Mexican Pete the gun. 'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt |
| 14846 | So the shooting ain't so bad. |
| 14847 | There was rarely a day without a lay |
| 14848 | And usually two or three Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete |
| 14849 | For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick Had been hunting in Deadman's creek. |
| 14850 | Was always like a tree. And they'd had no luck in the way of |
| 14851 | a fuck |
| 14852 | Just a moose or two and a caribou, For nigh on half a week. |
| 14853 | And a bison cow or so; |
| 14854 | And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick |
| 14855 | This fucking was mighty slow. |
| 14856 | -- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell |
| 14857 | % |
| 14858 | When better women are made, computer programmers will make them. |
| 14859 | % |
| 14860 | When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep, |
| 14861 | I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep. Chorus: |
| 14862 | In the mornin' the rooster crow, I am a back door man, |
| 14863 | Somethin' tells me I got to go. I am a back door man, |
| 14864 | Well, the men don't know, |
| 14865 | They take me to the doctor, But the little girls understand. |
| 14866 | shot full of holes, |
| 14867 | Nurse try to save a soul. |
| 14868 | Killed her for murder first degree, |
| 14869 | Judge what tried let the man go free. |
| 14870 | |
| 14871 | Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down, |
| 14872 | Rather be dead six feet in the ground. |
| 14873 | When you come home, you can eat pork and beans, |
| 14874 | I eats more chicken than any man's seen. |
| 14875 | -- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961 |
| 14876 | % |
| 14877 | When he tried to inject his huge whanger |
| 14878 | A young man aroused his girl's anger. |
| 14879 | As they strove in the dark |
| 14880 | She was heard to remark, |
| 14881 | "What you need is a zeppelin hanger." |
| 14882 | % |
| 14883 | When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to |
| 14884 | lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally |
| 14885 | honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to |
| 14886 | fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first |
| 14887 | to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax. |
| 14888 | The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking |
| 14889 | Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where |
| 14890 | the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said. |
| 14891 | "I've got to lay you or Jack off." |
| 14892 | "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache." |
| 14893 | % |
| 14894 | When I need something |
| 14895 | To help me unwind |
| 14896 | I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy |
| 14897 | With a one-track mind Does a lot for me |
| 14898 | Smart guys are nowhere Superman |
| 14899 | They make demands With a lobotomy |
| 14900 | Give me a moron My father's out of Harvard |
| 14901 | With talented hands My brother's out of Yale |
| 14902 | I go bar-hopping Well the guy I took home last night |
| 14903 | And they say "Last call" Just got out of jail |
| 14904 | I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me |
| 14905 | For a Neanderthal Oooo, it really got me hot |
| 14906 | But the way he growled and bit me |
| 14907 | The bigger they come I hoped he had his shots |
| 14908 | The harder I fall |
| 14909 | In love till we're done The bigger they are |
| 14910 | Then they're out in the hall The harder they'll work |
| 14911 | I got a soft spot |
| 14912 | For a good-looking jerk |
| 14913 | -- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid" |
| 14914 | % |
| 14915 | When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some |
| 14916 | kids had stolen my sandwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said, |
| 14917 | "Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard." |
| 14918 | -- Jake LaMotta |
| 14919 | |
| 14920 | You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two |
| 14921 | months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a |
| 14922 | vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything |
| 14923 | like that. |
| 14924 | -- Jake LaMotta |
| 14925 | % |
| 14926 | When in calling, plain speaking is out; |
| 14927 | When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about, |
| 14928 | You may wet, make water, or empty the glass; |
| 14929 | You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass. |
| 14930 | It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog |
| 14931 | When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog; |
| 14932 | But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss |
| 14933 | It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____. |
| 14934 | -- Ogden Nash |
| 14935 | % |
| 14936 | When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by |
| 14937 | a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! |
| 14938 | % |
| 14939 | When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey. |
| 14940 | % |
| 14941 | When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of |
| 14942 | pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of |
| 14943 | a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that |
| 14944 | a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay." |
| 14945 | -- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes" |
| 14946 | |
| 14947 | Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell |
| 14948 | him for 29. |
| 14949 | -- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI |
| 14950 | % |
| 14951 | When the candles are out all women are fair. |
| 14952 | -- Plutarch |
| 14953 | % |
| 14954 | When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his |
| 14955 | selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones. |
| 14956 | "The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said. |
| 14957 | "The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty." |
| 14958 | "I'm just not sure," the woman said, Then she noticed an eye-catching |
| 14959 | item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there? |
| 14960 | "Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't |
| 14961 | sell you that one for less than a hundred." |
| 14962 | "I'll take it." |
| 14963 | Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was |
| 14964 | going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white |
| 14965 | vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred |
| 14966 | bucks for my Thermos." |
| 14967 | % |
| 14968 | When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground. |
| 14969 | -- Old Jewish saying |
| 14970 | |
| 14971 | [How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.] |
| 14972 | % |
| 14973 | When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut! |
| 14974 | % |
| 14975 | When they tell me to stick it where |
| 14976 | the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon. |
| 14977 | % |
| 14978 | When things go wrong as they usually will, |
| 14979 | And your daily road seems all uphill, |
| 14980 | When funds are low and debts are high, |
| 14981 | When you try to smile, but can only cry -- |
| 14982 | And you really feel you'd like to quit, |
| 14983 | Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit. |
| 14984 | % |
| 14985 | When you and I are far apart |
| 14986 | Can sorrow break your tender heart? |
| 14987 | I love you darling, yes I do; |
| 14988 | Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you; |
| 14989 | All you are is a blossoming rose. |
| 14990 | Night is here so I must close. |
| 14991 | With care read the first word of each line. |
| 14992 | You will find a question of mine. |
| 14993 | -- Yours hopefully, The VAX. |
| 14994 | % |
| 14995 | When you're lying on the bed, |
| 14996 | And the thought is in your head, |
| 14997 | But the feeling is way down between your legs, |
| 14998 | Take your problem in your hand, |
| 14999 | And beat it to the band, |
| 15000 | And try your best to keep it off the walls. |
| 15001 | |
| 15002 | Don't let your lover tell you, |
| 15003 | Don't let anybody sell you, |
| 15004 | That the joy of masturbation is a crime. |
| 15005 | For I've rid myself of fears, |
| 15006 | (I've been doing it for years) |
| 15007 | And now I have an erection all the time. |
| 15008 | % |
| 15009 | Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means |
| 15010 | up your ass. |
| 15011 | % |
| 15012 | "Where'd she get those crow's feet? You really want to know?" |
| 15013 | "Yeah." |
| 15014 | "From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?" |
| 15015 | % |
| 15016 | Which of the following doesn't belong? |
| 15017 | a. meat |
| 15018 | b. eggs |
| 15019 | c. drum |
| 15020 | d. blowjob. |
| 15021 | |
| 15022 | Answer: |
| 15023 | d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs, |
| 15024 | or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob. |
| 15025 | % |
| 15026 | While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who |
| 15027 | was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his |
| 15028 | hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, as |
| 15029 | will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform. |
| 15030 | On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower |
| 15031 | into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair |
| 15032 | curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie |
| 15033 | magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent |
| 15034 | erection. |
| 15035 | Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, |
| 15036 | mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!" |
| 15037 | % |
| 15038 | While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are |
| 15039 | scarcely sufficient to service one woman. |
| 15040 | -- Boccaccio |
| 15041 | % |
| 15042 | While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore. |
| 15043 | % |
| 15044 | While sitting 'neath an oak one morn |
| 15045 | In thought on this and that, |
| 15046 | A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift |
| 15047 | A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit! |
| 15048 | Why didst thou feel that my best hat |
| 15049 | "Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?" |
| 15050 | And brings joy to my heart. |
| 15051 | But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang, |
| 15052 | Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me, |
| 15053 | For thy hat I thought was my nest, |
| 15054 | I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree." |
| 15055 | His words to better mull, |
| 15056 | Then lifted up a paving block |
| 15057 | And crushed his fucking skull. |
| 15058 | -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird" |
| 15059 | % |
| 15060 | While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it |
| 15061 | might be a good idea to write his girl. He had brought no stationery with |
| 15062 | him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and |
| 15063 | only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm |
| 15064 | girl with languorous eyes. |
| 15065 | "Do you keep stationery?" he asked. |
| 15066 | "Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I |
| 15067 | just go wild." |
| 15068 | % |
| 15069 | Whip it, baby. |
| 15070 | Whip it right. |
| 15071 | Whip it, baby. |
| 15072 | Whip it all night! |
| 15073 | % |
| 15074 | Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? |
| 15075 | |
| 15076 | Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their reconciliation. |
| 15077 | Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting |
| 15078 | it out occasionally in Japan. That is, every now and then she gets a yen for |
| 15079 | his Wang. |
| 15080 | % |
| 15081 | Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio! |
| 15082 | % |
| 15083 | Why I am an atheist: |
| 15084 | |
| 15085 | 1. Atheists do not believe in higher powers. |
| 15086 | 2. God is the highest power. |
| 15087 | 3. Therefore, God must be an atheist. |
| 15088 | 4. We should all strive to be like God. |
| 15089 | 5. We should all be atheists. |
| 15090 | % |
| 15091 | Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? |
| 15092 | -- G. Gordon Liddy |
| 15093 | % |
| 15094 | Why is it that there are so many more |
| 15095 | horses' asses than there are horses? |
| 15096 | -- G. Gordon Liddy |
| 15097 | % |
| 15098 | Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? |
| 15099 | Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. |
| 15100 | % |
| 15101 | Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them |
| 15102 | then she isn't good enough for you. |
| 15103 | % |
| 15104 | Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl |
| 15105 | who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It |
| 15106 | would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those |
| 15107 | stupid enough to consent to such a deal. |
| 15108 | -- Edward Abbey |
| 15109 | % |
| 15110 | ...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something |
| 15111 | you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. |
| 15112 | If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you |
| 15113 | lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter |
| 15114 | of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself |
| 15115 | and start raising your sails. You haven't a moment to lose. |
| 15116 | -- Edmund Carlevale |
| 15117 | % |
| 15118 | Willie, looking in the mirror, Willie with the nursery shears |
| 15119 | Sucked the mercury off Cut off both the baby's ears. |
| 15120 | Thinking in his childish error To the baby so unsightly |
| 15121 | It would cure the whooping cough. Mother raised her eyebrows slightly. |
| 15122 | |
| 15123 | At the funeral his weeping mother In the family drinking well |
| 15124 | Sadly said to Mrs. Brown, Willie pushed his sister, Nell. |
| 15125 | "'Twas a chilly day for Willie She's there still because it killed her, |
| 15126 | When the mercury went down." Now, we have to buy a filter. |
| 15127 | % |
| 15128 | Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks. |
| 15129 | % |
| 15130 | With a bushel of apples, you can have |
| 15131 | a hell of a time with the doctor's wife. |
| 15132 | % |
| 15133 | wok, n: |
| 15134 | Something to thwow at a wabbit. |
| 15135 | % |
| 15136 | Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like |
| 15137 | hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood |
| 15138 | movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this |
| 15139 | what it's all about? And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?" |
| 15140 | -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful" |
| 15141 | % |
| 15142 | Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done. |
| 15143 | % |
| 15144 | Women should be obscene and not heard. |
| 15145 | % |
| 15146 | Women think of being a man as a gift. It is a duty. Even making love can |
| 15147 | be a duty. A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough. |
| 15148 | -- Norman Mailer |
| 15149 | % |
| 15150 | Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit; |
| 15151 | you get a warm feeling but nobody notices. |
| 15152 | % |
| 15153 | Working here is like a pregnancy. |
| 15154 | After nine months you wish you hadn't come. |
| 15155 | % |
| 15156 | World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland, |
| 15157 | a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster. |
| 15158 | The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and |
| 15159 | Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful |
| 15160 | settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war |
| 15161 | postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel |
| 15162 | appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men! |
| 15163 | Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!" |
| 15164 | So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling |
| 15165 | the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the |
| 15166 | Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!" And God |
| 15167 | said, "It will be done." |
| 15168 | The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I* |
| 15169 | wish there were no more Germans!" Replies the angel, "It will be done." |
| 15170 | So the angel asks the Jew for his wish. The Jew is in a state of |
| 15171 | shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel |
| 15172 | avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew |
| 15173 | thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small |
| 15174 | cup of coffee." |
| 15175 | % |
| 15176 | Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy? |
| 15177 | % |
| 15178 | Writers do it between periods. |
| 15179 | % |
| 15180 | "Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I |
| 15181 | realized I was just flogging a dead horse." |
| 15182 | % |
| 15183 | Yesterday is a memory, |
| 15184 | Tomorrow is a vision, |
| 15185 | Today is a bitch! |
| 15186 | % |
| 15187 | You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed. |
| 15188 | % |
| 15189 | You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel, |
| 15190 | and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking, |
| 15191 | thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch. |
| 15192 | % |
| 15193 | You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length. |
| 15194 | % |
| 15195 | You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. |
| 15196 | Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies! |
| 15197 | % |
| 15198 | "You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!" |
| 15199 | -- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon |
| 15200 | % |
| 15201 | You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide. |
| 15202 | % |
| 15203 | You can get used to living at a nudist camp. |
| 15204 | The first three days are the hardest. |
| 15205 | -- R. Dreiser |
| 15206 | % |
| 15207 | You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose; |
| 15208 | but you can't pick your friend's nose. |
| 15209 | % |
| 15210 | You come out of a woman and you spend the rest |
| 15211 | of your life trying to get back inside. |
| 15212 | -- Heathcote Williams |
| 15213 | % |
| 15214 | You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today. |
| 15215 | % |
| 15216 | You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles |
| 15217 | are the biggest bastards on earth. |
| 15218 | -- John Lennon |
| 15219 | % |
| 15220 | You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women. |
| 15221 | It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with |
| 15222 | a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head. |
| 15223 | % |
| 15224 | You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high. |
| 15225 | % |
| 15226 | You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister. |
| 15227 | % |
| 15228 | You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!! |
| 15229 | % |
| 15230 | You see that fucking fish? |
| 15231 | If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught. |
| 15232 | -- Sam Giancana |
| 15233 | % |
| 15234 | You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass. |
| 15235 | % |
| 15236 | You wanna play the dozens, |
| 15237 | Well, the dozens is a game, |
| 15238 | But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame! |
| 15239 | -- George Carlin |
| 15240 | % |
| 15241 | You will always have friends |
| 15242 | Some friends will peter out. |
| 15243 | But I'll always be your friend, |
| 15244 | Peter in or peter out. |
| 15245 | % |
| 15246 | You'll be a guest at a gay party. |
| 15247 | That will have important consequences for you. |
| 15248 | % |
| 15249 | Young men want to be faithful and are not; |
| 15250 | old men want to be faithless and cannot. |
| 15251 | -- Oscar Wilde |
| 15252 | % |
| 15253 | Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that... |
| 15254 | |
| 15255 | -- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there. |
| 15256 | -- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out |
| 15257 | with an ice pick. |
| 15258 | -- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies. |
| 15259 | -- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!" |
| 15260 | -- they were the birth control poster child. |
| 15261 | -- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother. |
| 15262 | -- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to |
| 15263 | get the puppy to play with them. |
| 15264 | -- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink! |
| 15265 | % |
| 15266 | Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, |
| 15267 | shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!" |
| 15268 | -- Johnny Carson |
| 15269 | % |
| 15270 | Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that |
| 15271 | there are more important things in life than great sex. |
| 15272 | % |
| 15273 | YOUR FOAMY FUTURE |
| 15274 | by Miss Fortune |
| 15275 | |
| 15276 | SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21) |
| 15277 | "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your |
| 15278 | motto. You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV. |
| 15279 | Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act. |
| 15280 | But it's OK, Scorpio. A kick in the ass is at least one step forward. |
| 15281 | |
| 15282 | SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) |
| 15283 | You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks. |
| 15284 | My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought of food |
| 15285 | out of your mind. Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing |
| 15286 | both hands against the table edge and pushing back. |
| 15287 | |
| 15288 | CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19) |
| 15289 | Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something |
| 15290 | extremely foolish? Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies |
| 15291 | accumulating. Cheer up! All is not lost. It's better to be hated for |
| 15292 | what you are than loved for what you're not. |
| 15293 | % |
| 15294 | Your spooning days are over, |
| 15295 | And your pilot light is out; |
| 15296 | When what used to be your sex appeal |
| 15297 | Is now your water spout! |
| 15298 | % |
| 15299 | You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings. |
| 15300 | % |
| 15301 | Yuck Foo. |
| 15302 | % |
| 15303 | Zippity doo dah, zippity ay, |
| 15304 | I just gave my sister's cherry away! |
| 15305 | To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A., |
| 15306 | Zippity doo dah, zippity ay. |
| 15307 | -- John Valby |
| 15308 | % |